1 00:00:01,440 --> 00:00:02,880 Okay listen, guys, concentrate. 2 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:06,120 It's important that you remember all of this, all right? 3 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:07,800 Get ready, she's coming. 4 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,440 In three, two... 5 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:14,480 [all] O' captain, my captain. 6 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:16,840 Guys, come on. 7 00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:19,400 They do this every time I try and go to the loo. 8 00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:21,800 - Staff room? - It's a date. 9 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:22,840 It's a staff meeting. 10 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,320 [bell rings] 11 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,760 [chattering] 12 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:30,760 Sherman, you said you were going to help me down! 13 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:33,640 [upbeat music] 14 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,280 I want your clothes, your boots, and your attention please. 15 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:10,280 Whoa, Mollinson, Mollinson, it's just a line from a film. 16 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,720 Now, it turns out I was wrong about 17 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,200 the ban on religious symbols in schools. 18 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,960 That law applies to France only, my bad! 19 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:22,480 So, if any of the pupils want to reclaim their possessions 20 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:25,880 I've got 13 crucifixes, three skull caps, 21 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,880 and Samira Habsi's burka. 22 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:32,360 Mr. Habsi exploded. Not like that. 23 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:35,280 Although, to apologize for my misreading of his faith 24 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:38,360 I've sent him a bottle of wine and a hock of ham. 25 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:41,360 Um, Fraser, can I raise something? 26 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,160 I read this in Metro this morning. 27 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:44,840 Oh, my God, you read Metro? 28 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:48,800 I read Metro, too. That is so weird. 29 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:52,200 It says there's this video game that kids are getting obsessed with. 30 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:56,400 Tokyo Sin SS: Dead Light District. 31 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,840 According to this, the child plays a ninja 32 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:02,520 who hunts down and murders Nazi prostitutes. 33 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:04,360 Is it free world or platform? 34 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:05,920 Kids are copying the moves, 35 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,120 beating each other up in the playground, doing karate. 36 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:12,560 - Bukake? - Karate. You're so deaf. 37 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:15,800 - Ban the game, kill the virus. - I agree with Isobel. 38 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:18,320 And whilst we're at it, why don't we ban those wheelie shoes? 39 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:19,760 I smacked a boy in the back of the head yesterday 40 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:21,280 and he shot off down the corridor. 41 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,280 Went straight through a plate glass window. 42 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:24,280 [laughs] 43 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,120 I no longer agree with Isobel. 44 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,880 Other schools are tough on violence, look at St. Stevens. 45 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,400 They had a weapons amnesty. 46 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,280 Re to the wind, someone call Shaggy 47 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,480 and tell him it was me on the bathroom floor. 48 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:36,640 Oh, Jesus wept. 49 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,280 If we want to find out why these kids 50 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:42,200 are addicted to this game, we need to bring up a vein, 51 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:43,760 take a hit ourselves and see if we 52 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,200 can't help them kick the habit. 53 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,680 What? You're not seriously considering buying the game. 54 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:50,760 I think our budget can stretch to that. 55 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,560 - Oh, can it stretch to FIFA? - This is work, Alfie. 56 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,480 When you're at home you can play whatever you want. 57 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,320 My husband and I play with Wii. 58 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:00,560 - Oh, your Nintendo? - What's Nintendo? 59 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,400 Meeting adjourned. 60 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,880 Hey, so about that amnesty thing. 61 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,200 I was thinking maybe we should do one of them here, me and you. 62 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,680 What, at Abbey Grove? Do you think it's that bad, really? 63 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:15,880 Yeah. I keep you sheltered from it, but it's a jungle out there. 64 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:19,360 - Okay. Our kids have weapons. - Yeah. 65 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:22,960 - Mitchell, Joe, Remm Dog. - The boy in the wheelchair? 66 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,320 He's the worst, he's got like spikes 67 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,880 that he puts in his hub caps, like in Ben-Hur. 68 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:31,320 Well, I do think an amnesty could be a good idea. 69 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:33,680 Ooh, I know, I could get our amnesty some press. 70 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:37,240 - Press? - Yeah, I've got a contact at The Observer. 71 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:39,120 Oh, The Observer? 72 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:41,800 The Watford Observer. 73 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:45,520 I used to hook up with a Page Three girl there. 74 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,440 The Watford Observer doesn't have a Page Three. 75 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:51,160 Well, her article about me was on page three. 76 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,680 Why were you in the press? 77 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:55,640 Broke my leg playing human chess. 78 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,120 - So wait, you broke your leg-- - So, the amnesty. 79 00:03:58,120 --> 00:03:59,600 We're going to need a venue. 80 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,120 - Now, I was thinking-- - Canteen? 81 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,120 Nando's, a little wing roulette. 82 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:07,720 Two sides, macho peas, the rice. 83 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,560 Maybe movie afterwards to celebrate. 84 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,400 I'll see if the canteen's free. 85 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,800 Suit yourself. 86 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,800 Hey, press are gonna love this, aren't they? 87 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:17,440 Little celebrity power couple 88 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,480 changing the world for the better. 89 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,880 Brangelina, Bennifer. 90 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,960 - Rudy? - Who's Rudy? 91 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,920 Richard and Judy. 92 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,120 I'll see you at lunch, Alfie. 93 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,800 Please don't book Nando's. 94 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,000 I won't. I couldn't. 95 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,160 I've tried. They don't take bookings. 96 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:41,320 Their chicken's first come, first serve, baby. 97 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,840 Not my class. 98 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,840 Okay, guys. There's something very important that I need you to do. 99 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,320 Ooh, thanks. 100 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:56,480 No problem, it's on the house 101 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:59,560 'cause that's what friends do, isn't it? 102 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,440 They buy things for each other. 103 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:07,560 You all look knackered. 104 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,880 Have you had another party that I wasn't invited to? 105 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,280 They've all been playing Tokyo Sin. 106 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:14,320 Yes, bruv, Tokyo Sin is Dench! 107 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:15,680 Hang on. 108 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,360 Hands up if you've got this game. 109 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:25,480 Typical, Joe. The only one on my crew with a little bit of sense. 110 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:28,120 It's just that it's an 18 and my mom won't buy it for me. 111 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,480 If only I had an adult friend who owed me big time. 112 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,400 Sir, Tokyo Sin is just a craze! 113 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,400 Yeah, but you don't get crazed, do you, sir? 114 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,880 'Cause you're older than that condom you've got in your wallet. 115 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,160 Sir didn't get crazes, 'cause he went to a posh boy school. 116 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,520 Too busy playing Quidditch with David Cameron. 117 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,240 Right, I didn't go to Hogwarts, 118 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:49,640 and look, for the record, we had crazes, too. 119 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:52,960 Yeah? Pogs, mm. 120 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,760 Now there was a craze. 121 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:56,960 Who remembers pogs? 122 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,600 Pogs! 123 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,520 Oh, you missed out. Pogs were amazing. 124 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,440 You had these little cardboard discs, right? 125 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:09,360 And you pile them up into a tower 126 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:10,880 and then with another cardboard disc 127 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:14,120 you chuck it at the pile of cardboard discs 128 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:16,680 and, it... 129 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:23,160 I'm going to accept that pogs has not aged well. 130 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:24,560 [sighs] 131 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,400 Stephen, no offense, but this game, 132 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,360 is it your kind of thing? 133 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,400 Nazis in fishnets? 134 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:34,400 It's just like Cabaret. 135 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:35,800 Chantelle, you're a girl. 136 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:37,960 Who meets guys on the online multiplayer. 137 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,520 Look me up, my name's Jailbait, all one word. 138 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,600 - And I've got webcam. - Blocked. 139 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,400 See, I'm the only one. 140 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,400 You is missing out, fam! 141 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:48,400 Anyone done blitz kick yet, the finishing move? 142 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,800 Ah, you kick 'em in the head, huah! 143 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,800 Head explodes, boosh, brains everywhere. 144 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:55,000 'Course I have, I've got bare tekkers. 145 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,760 Yeah, but you play it on PC, didn't ya? 146 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:58,600 That shit is old, where'd you find it? 147 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,800 - Your nan's vag? - At least my sister ain't lesbian. 148 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,560 - She ain't lesbian! - She goes to university. 149 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:05,400 - And? - Everybody knows university is for lesbos. 150 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:06,760 Do one, Gran Turismo! 151 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,200 Oh, you two stop flirting. 152 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,160 Look, when I was your age I had an N64 153 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:16,960 and that had far better games on it than Tokyo Sin. Zelda. 154 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:18,360 What'd you do in that one, sir? 155 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,480 Dress up like a bender and play the flute? 156 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:24,800 - It was an ocarina! - Oh, wow, an ocarina. 157 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:25,360 Bet it helped you get the ladies. 158 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,320 Yeah, it did actually, Mitchell. 159 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,320 Maybe I should lend it to your sister. 160 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,400 [laughing] 161 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:35,400 Look, the point is, you're all very young and impressionable. 162 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,800 A game like this is dangerous because 163 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:42,160 it is encouraging you to be violent. 164 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,560 That said, I am going to need you 165 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,720 to get hold of some weapons. 166 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:50,000 Bats, flick knives, chains. 167 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,720 Think outside the box. 168 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:55,480 And bring anything you find into lunch. 169 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:56,800 Ow... 170 00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:59,520 [upbeat music] 171 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:04,440 Yes, Mr. Habsi. 172 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,640 I understand, shalom. 173 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:09,760 No, that's the other ones, isn't it? Mazel tov? 174 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,560 Hello? 175 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,920 Alfie, Alfred the Great, son of Aethelwulf 176 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,400 and Osburga of Oslac of Wessex. 177 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,840 I see you've been on Wikipedia again. 178 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,000 Look, I thought everyone was 179 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,520 overreacting, but they're right. 180 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,120 All of my class are playing that game. 181 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:27,760 That's why I've been raping my brain. 182 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,160 It's racking my brain. 183 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,480 Is the pope Hindu? 184 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:31,920 No. 185 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,680 How do you stop a craze? 186 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:37,480 Invent a craze to replace it. 187 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:40,360 - Do you? - Right, take a seat, Dragon. 188 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:41,880 Dragon? 189 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,640 Next into the den is Fraser, 190 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,960 who wants investment for his ingenious crazes for kids. 191 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:53,320 First up, tattoos. 192 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:54,800 Tattoos? 193 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:58,120 They're a victimless crime, and potentially educational. 194 00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,720 The kids could get a map of the world, 195 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,960 the periodic table, or Picasso's Guernica. 196 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,400 Yeah, I suspect some of the parents might object. 197 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,600 - Say it, then. - Say what? 198 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,160 You've seen Dragon's Den. 199 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,400 Fraser, we're not on Dragon's Den. 200 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,480 I'm not moving until you say it. 201 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,360 [sighs] 202 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:20,520 If I say it, will this all be over quicker? 203 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:27,400 - I'm out. - Craze two, kids like animals, right? 204 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,480 Yeah, I guess. 205 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,200 Franimals. 206 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,440 Animals made from fruit. 207 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:37,000 Behold, Orange-a-tang 208 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:41,240 and his jungle wife, Apple-o-tamus. 209 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:45,240 [screeches like monkey] 210 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:50,840 [snorts] 211 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:56,800 Right, I'm out, and I'm also leaving. 212 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,640 Zebranana? 213 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:02,400 [snorts like a horse] 214 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,280 You need help. 215 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,560 [upbeat music] 216 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:13,120 - Die, Nazi bitch! - Blitz kick! 217 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:16,000 - Bullshit. - Oh, this is embarrassing. 218 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:19,240 It's turned Mollison even into more of a driveling idiot. 219 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:22,440 Eat my fist, you ho! 220 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,440 [buzzer rings] 221 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:37,440 Um... where's Rosie? Who are you? 222 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,320 I'm Ron, I'm assisting Rosie today. 223 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:43,800 Well, Ron. I think you'll find Rosie asked me to assist her. 224 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,800 - So you can assist off. - Look, mate, I have to be here. 225 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,280 A licensed weapons expert must be present. 226 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:50,800 Well, mate. 227 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:54,120 That is exactly why Rosie asked me to be present. 228 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,920 Because I actually own a gun. 229 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:01,160 Yeah, don't get much more expert than that, do you? 230 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,360 You own a gun? 231 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:06,800 Yes, I own a gun, Ron. 232 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,840 It's a glock. I bought it off some Albanians in the pub. 233 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,000 They're always selling me black market shit. 234 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:16,240 Guns, drugs, a snuff film. 235 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,640 Yeah, so... 236 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:21,640 What heat you packing Mr. Weapons Expert? 237 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,280 Standard issue pepper spray. 238 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:26,200 [snorts] Standard issue pepper spray. 239 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,640 What are you, an old woman? 240 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,840 I'm a police officer. 241 00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,560 Right. 242 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,360 Good. 243 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:36,920 I'm sorry. 244 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,800 I... I was lying. 245 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,520 I don't own a gun, and the Albanians, 246 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,720 they sold me like one DVD once. 247 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,120 And I didn't even watch it all the way 248 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,840 through 'cause the quality was so poor. 249 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,560 Do you know what happens at the end of The Notebook? 250 00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:57,840 So, you've met the sergeant. 251 00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:01,440 Yeah, Ron, my buddy. I love the police. 252 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:03,520 Shoot first, ask questions later, right? 253 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,880 [laughs awkwardly] 254 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,720 Have you got any weapons? 255 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:13,600 Not unless you've got a very small gun in your pocket. 256 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,360 It's not a gun, it's my cock, Ron. 257 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,200 [upbeat music] 258 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,800 Chantelle, what are you doing? Fingernails aren't weapons. 259 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,240 Try telling that to Linda Beale. 260 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:47,280 No one wears Tulisa's scent on my turf. 261 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,120 - Milk? - I'm lactose intolerant. 262 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,600 This one thought it was a funny idea to spike my soy latte! 263 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:56,440 - Mitchell made me do it. - That's chemical warfare! 264 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:57,840 Yes, but it's not a weapon. 265 00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,280 Any trace of dairy and I go from Will Smith 266 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,800 to Cee-Lo quicker than you can say kiss from a rose. 267 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,440 [buzzer rings] 268 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:05,640 What are you wearing? 269 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:06,640 Ninja mask, innit? 270 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,280 Make them out of old t-shirts. 271 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,400 Take it off! 272 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:11,160 What have you got to hand in? 273 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:12,720 Oh, here we go. 274 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,600 This is your science homework. 275 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,800 Knowledge is power, sir. 276 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,360 And if I become a brilliant scientist, 277 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:24,120 I could destroy whole worlds in the flick of a switch. 278 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:27,680 The only thing you could contribute to science is your body. 279 00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:29,240 Now go away. 280 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:31,160 [sighs] 281 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:40,440 Macaroni and cheese? 282 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,840 - Get that plate away from me. - Why, Glee? 283 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,400 I have an allergy, that plate could kill me. 284 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:46,920 That was a mistake. 285 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:48,400 Mac attack! 286 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,240 [screaming] 287 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:51,280 [laughing] 288 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:52,880 My face! 289 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:55,360 [screams] 290 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:58,160 [♪ "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal] 291 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,600 ♪ Love remained a drug ♪ 292 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:08,720 ♪ That's the high not the pill ♪ 293 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,680 ♪ But did you know that when it snows ♪ 294 00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:14,720 ♪ My eyes become larger ♪ 295 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,600 ♪ The light that you shine can be seen ♪ 296 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:19,920 Consider yourself blitzed. 297 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:23,440 ♪ Baby I compare you to a kiss ♪ 298 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:26,960 ♪ From a rose on the gray ♪ 299 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:30,880 ♪ Now that your rose is in bloom ♪ 300 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:35,200 ♪ A light hits the gloom on the gray ♪ 301 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:36,720 [Miss Gulliver] How dare you use typical violence 302 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:40,360 like this, it's cowardly, cowardly! 303 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,120 These ninja masks are totally against 304 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,000 school rules, so off with their heads. 305 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,560 What are we gonna do about the newspaper? 306 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,560 Oh, I was thinking we could appease them. 307 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,400 Give them a replacement story. 308 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:01,280 "Injured human chess boy in miracle recovery." 309 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:05,320 I was thinking we ask them back and explain we're taking steps to teach conflict resolution. 310 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:07,160 Yeah, that might be a better idea. 311 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:08,480 How do we yabba dabba do that? 312 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,840 I spoke to Ron. He's trained in self defense. 313 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,920 Ugh, not that police doofus. 314 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:15,400 We could do a demonstration for the kids. 315 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,520 He's such an interesting guy, Ron. 316 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,440 He was showing me some of his holds. 317 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:23,520 He's so strong, yet so soft at the same time. 318 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,240 Sounds like a toilet roll. 319 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:28,760 Preet! There's a guy at my gym who teaches self defense. 320 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:30,520 He'd be perfect, the kids would love him. 321 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,440 Fraser, we're not having some random guy from your gym. 322 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:36,920 Alfie's right, Ron's more qualified. 323 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:41,400 But I mean, if you say this Preet guy's a professional. 324 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,680 I mean, he'd probably be better than Sergeant Andrex. 325 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,280 Okay, Miss G, you get onto the paper. 326 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,640 I'll give my guy a tinkle, how does that sound yeah? 327 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:53,720 Samira, I am so sorry. 328 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,560 Oh, my God, please don't tell your father. 329 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:02,160 [male voice on TV] Violence is everywhere, 330 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,760 so how do you protect yourself? 331 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:08,400 This is Loretta, your typical, all-American woman. 332 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,440 She's standing outside a jazz club, 333 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:15,000 but she's about to have a run-in with some jazz lovers. 334 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,160 If your attacker tries to blind you, 335 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:18,560 raise your hand up to the bridge 336 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,600 of your nose to disable the gouge. 337 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:23,800 Well done, Loretta. 338 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,200 But next time, play it safe 339 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,680 and stick to country and western. 340 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:30,000 And where's Loretta now? 341 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:34,520 She's watching some brothers shooting hoops in the projects. 342 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:36,640 If an attacker comes from behind, 343 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:40,480 scrape down on their shin with the heel of your stiletto. 344 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:42,160 Not this time, Jermaine. 345 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:45,520 Try slam dunking the funk after that! 346 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:49,520 And remember, on November 8th, vote Republican. 347 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:59,520 So, I would ignore all of that. 348 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:02,800 Um, what you have to remember is that that video 349 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:09,200 was made in a time when people were... racist. 350 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,280 Then why did you show it to us? 351 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:15,800 Because, Jing, teachers live by an ancient code as old as time. 352 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:16,360 Which is? 353 00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:19,240 If you're out of your depth, put on a video. 354 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:24,280 Look, what Stephen did in the canteen wasn't cool. 355 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,600 Well, it was. Grayson's a prick. 356 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,400 Agreed, but you can't lash out like that. 357 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,160 What if someone's giving you beef? 358 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,960 Turning the other cheek will always be the best policy. 359 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,480 What, like Neville Chamberlain did with Hitler? 360 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:40,400 Why is you only ever remember history to prove me wrong? 361 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,400 [speaks foreign language] 362 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,760 Yes, Jing, and Tiananmen Square. 363 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:50,400 Look, what is the deadliest animal on the planet? 364 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,880 - A tiger. - No, the human being. 365 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:56,520 We're all biologically conditioned to fight. 366 00:17:56,520 --> 00:18:00,840 The deadliest weapon on the planet is the human brain. 367 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,120 Okay, so that Stuart Hawkins bloke, 368 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:04,920 he's the brainiest guy in the world, right? 369 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:06,440 Stephen Hawking, yeah, but-- 370 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,320 All right, so if he's so deadly, 371 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,640 who'd win in a fight between him and a tiger? 372 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:13,320 - Well, the tiger, obviously. - So he's not the deadliest. 373 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:16,800 - That's not the point. - What about him versus a shark? 374 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,200 - The shark. - What, even on dry land? 375 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,320 No, I guess on dry land the shark would probably dry out. 376 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:24,240 I can't believe I'm even playing this game. 377 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:25,720 Look, there are plenty of animals 378 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,800 that could kill Stephen Hawking. 379 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,440 - Like a badger? - Yes, a badger probably would. 380 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,600 - How though? - I don't know! 381 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:33,600 Bite him, give him TB. 382 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:36,240 Mr. Wickers, I'm just returning Stephen. 383 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,000 - Did you apologize to Grayson? - Told him to swivel. 384 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,480 See, proof that everything can be resolved with words. 385 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,320 What about Israel and Palestine? 386 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,680 Oh, stop learning. 387 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:50,560 Mr. Wickers, can I bum a dime of your time? 388 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,760 Jing, take over. 389 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,000 - [yelling] - [grunting] 390 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,200 Ah, what the hell? 391 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:02,760 Cease and desist, cease and desist! 392 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:05,640 All right, all right, I ceased, please let me go. 393 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,440 [laughing] 394 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,120 - Classic! - What the hell is going on? 395 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:12,000 Absolutely classic. Alfie, this is Preet from my gym. 396 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,160 Hi, bro, pleasure. Preet Van Der Plessis. 397 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,520 [laughs] 398 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:17,880 What is this? 399 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,560 This is your very own personal safety guru. 400 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,720 I like this mouthy fella, spunky. 401 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,320 - Putt from the rough, yah? - What? 402 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:29,360 You take it in the karoo, you're a bill donger, a cat goofer. 403 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:30,720 [laughs] 404 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,680 Nah, I'm messing, bro. 405 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,160 No, no, I'm here to show your kids 406 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,400 how to bring the fire to a brawl. 407 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:37,880 He means prevent a fight. 408 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,440 Or maybe, paralyze a woman. 409 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,200 [laughs] 410 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,520 I told you Alf, Preet changed my life. 411 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,840 Yeah, teacher here man looked like a scrawny sack of shit and bones, 412 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:50,600 but I've turned him into a cobra. 413 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,800 [hisses] 414 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:54,480 Yeah, well, having thought about it 415 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:55,760 I think my kids will be fine. 416 00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,520 Are they though, bro? 417 00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:01,160 If I camo'd up, and broke into your class with a hunting knife, 418 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:04,400 would you take me down before I butchered a kid or two? 419 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,840 [laughing] 420 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:10,800 Messing bro, no, no, no. 421 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:15,120 Fraser, is this man even allowed near children? 422 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:17,240 I mean, has he got a CRB check? 423 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,800 Alf, I've paid for Preet's time and he's serious buns. 424 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,400 Would you at least consider it? 425 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:24,720 Is this one of these things where 426 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,160 you ask me for permission for something 427 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:27,600 that's definitely happening anyway? 428 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,520 - Yes. - [sighs] 429 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:30,880 Great, well, I'll unload the van. 430 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:32,680 - You've got crash mats? - Crash mats? 431 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,640 Yeah, I need to show them how to deal with anything. 432 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,760 You're a filthy, dick-licking piece of shit. 433 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:40,600 But I like you. 434 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,840 I really, really like you. 435 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,160 He always does that. 436 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,160 [kids chattering] 437 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:07,800 Okay, listen up you ragtag pack of cocksuckers! 438 00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:10,840 Right, okay, can we just rein in the homophobia a little 439 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:13,720 - in front of the children? - Yeah, keep your plug in dick tickler. 440 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,200 So, personal safety. 441 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,240 Who wants to know how to throw a one-inch punch? 442 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:19,160 Yes, bruv! 443 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,160 Obviously we won't be doing that 444 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:25,560 as this class is about avoiding violent situations. 445 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:29,440 Now, all you need to win in a fight is that. 446 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,480 - Head butts. - Thinking. 447 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,440 Preet here is going to help you 448 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,920 identify the danger signs, aren't you, Preet? 449 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:40,400 - How to spot trouble. - Ah, racial profiling. 450 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:44,400 It used to just be blacks. Now Asians are tricky, too. 451 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,280 That's inappropriate. 452 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,120 - Should we-- - Okay, volunteers. 453 00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:52,520 - Who wants to dance? - [all] Me, me! 454 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:53,520 I will do it. 455 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:55,520 [class groans] 456 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:58,120 Okay, butt stuffer. 457 00:21:58,120 --> 00:21:59,120 [sighs] 458 00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:00,880 Here's your kit. 459 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,440 I'm not getting changed. 460 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,880 Fine, wheels, you're up. 461 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:11,400 Okay. I'm going, I'm going. 462 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:33,400 [in-game music] 463 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,400 [fighting sound effects] 464 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,320 [woman screaming in game] 465 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,000 Yah, that's better, puss. 466 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:50,640 Now you're going to play with daddy. 467 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,600 [laughing] 468 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:02,000 Right, um, now, it's very important to remember 469 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,760 that we are not condoning violence. 470 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:06,520 What we are going to show you now 471 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:07,960 is absolutely the last-- 472 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:10,800 [spluttering] 473 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:11,840 The choke hold! 474 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:15,440 And some real fun, choke the windpipe. 475 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:17,240 Right, pudge. 476 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:19,520 You're in the shower room and this fudge tunneller creeps in. 477 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:20,680 Think quick, what you gonna do? 478 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,000 Uh, turn the other cheek? 479 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,320 In the shower? 480 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,200 No, bro, he wants that. 481 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:27,760 You want to get him in his yam yams! 482 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,520 [squeals] My yam yams! 483 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,480 Please let go. 484 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:35,880 - Get up you prawn. - No. 485 00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:36,960 I will. 486 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:41,360 Mitchell, remember what I said. 487 00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:44,720 The mind is the strongest weapon that there is. 488 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:49,240 Wrong. Teacher here has clearly never felt a riot baton. 489 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:51,320 [groaning] 490 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:52,640 Why did you do that? 491 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,680 T-I-A, bro, this is Africa. 492 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:57,200 It's not, it's Hertfordshire. 493 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:59,800 Next step, stukkie, come up out of your high heels. 494 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:02,280 No, sir said to seek a peaceful solution. 495 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:03,840 And anyway, these are New Look. 496 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:05,320 Fine, we'll skip the full frontal 497 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,000 and move straight to the taser. 498 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:09,800 What, what, taser? No way! 499 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:12,800 [yells] 500 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:13,880 Hey, pass me the taser, bro, come on. 501 00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,160 I'm gonna neutralize this cock knocker. 502 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:17,640 He's not be getting his tongue on my sugar. 503 00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:19,840 Stephen, no, please, someone help! 504 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:21,360 But, sir, you've been telling us not to! 505 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,360 I was wrong! 100 percent definitely wrong! 506 00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:25,680 Cease and desist! 507 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,360 Joe! 508 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,920 [taser buzzes] 509 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:36,560 [spluttering] 510 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,440 [laughing] 511 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:41,200 [spluttering] 512 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:50,640 [panting] 513 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:55,840 What? 514 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,240 He was a prick! 515 00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:00,120 [upbeat music] 516 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,920 [yelling] 517 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,600 Looks like our weapons amnesty worked out after all. 518 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,160 Yeah, what happened though? 519 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,280 Well, you know, I'm a pacifist, 520 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:15,160 so when he started attacking me I set 521 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:17,800 an example to all the kids by non-violently 522 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,400 soaking up all of his negative energy. 523 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:23,520 Oh, wow, that's so great. 524 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:24,920 That takes real strength. 525 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:26,680 Then I tasered him. 526 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,800 Oh, thank God, Ron was here. 527 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:31,480 [man] So guys, can we get one of you two together, please? 528 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:34,800 - Over here, come on, chaps. - Oh, picture? 529 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:36,360 [man] Thank you very much. 530 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,960 [camera shutter clicks] 531 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,600 [♪ "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal] 532 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:54,120 [video game blares] 533 00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:58,360 [woman screams in game] 534 00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:10,240 [hisses] 535 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:23,520 [bell rings] 536 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,520 Alfie, look, I'm sorry. 537 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:35,240 No. I thought about what you said. 538 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:36,680 So have I. 539 00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:40,920 And I've broken every rule in the book. 540 00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,400 But I didn't want you being left out. 541 00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:47,720 - Alfie. - Don't worry about it. 542 00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:52,440 Well, no, it's not that. It's just that Tokyo Sin isn't cool anymore. 543 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:53,800 Ain't you heard, granddad? 544 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:55,440 It's all about Murderblade. 545 00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,000 Murderblade? 546 00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:58,440 That sounds even worse. 547 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:00,000 Basically you've got these little cardboard squares, 548 00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:01,320 then you pile 'em up and then you throw 549 00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:02,600 more little cardboard squares 550 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:05,120 at the little cardboard squares. 551 00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:06,760 But... 552 00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:08,760 That's just pogs!