Okay listen, guys, concentrate.
It's important that you remember all of this, all right?
Get ready, she's coming.
In three, two...
[all] O' captain, my captain.
Guys, come on.
They do this every time I try and go to the loo.
- Staff room? - It's a date.
It's a staff meeting.
[bell rings]
[chattering]
Sherman, you said you were going to help me down!
[upbeat music]
I want your clothes, your boots, and your attention please.
Whoa, Mollinson, Mollinson, it's just a line from a film.
Now, it turns out I was wrong about
the ban on religious symbols in schools.
That law applies to France only, my bad!
So, if any of the pupils want to reclaim their possessions
I've got 13 crucifixes, three skull caps,
and Samira Habsi's burka.
Mr. Habsi exploded. Not like that.
Although, to apologize for my misreading of his faith
I've sent him a bottle of wine and a hock of ham.
Um, Fraser, can I raise something?
I read this in Metro this morning.
Oh, my God, you read Metro?
I read Metro, too. That is so weird.
It says there's this video game that kids are getting obsessed with.
Tokyo Sin SS: Dead Light District.
According to this, the child plays a ninja
who hunts down and murders Nazi prostitutes.
Is it free world or platform?
Kids are copying the moves,
beating each other up in the playground, doing karate.
- Bukake? - Karate. You're so deaf.
- Ban the game, kill the virus. - I agree with Isobel.
And whilst we're at it, why don't we ban those wheelie shoes?
I smacked a boy in the back of the head yesterday
and he shot off down the corridor.
Went straight through a plate glass window.
[laughs]
I no longer agree with Isobel.
Other schools are tough on violence, look at St. Stevens.
They had a weapons amnesty.
Re to the wind, someone call Shaggy
and tell him it was me on the bathroom floor.
Oh, Jesus wept.
If we want to find out why these kids
are addicted to this game, we need to bring up a vein,
take a hit ourselves and see if we
can't help them kick the habit.
What? You're not seriously considering buying the game.
I think our budget can stretch to that.
- Oh, can it stretch to FIFA? - This is work, Alfie.
When you're at home you can play whatever you want.
My husband and I play with Wii.
- Oh, your Nintendo? - What's Nintendo?
Meeting adjourned.
Hey, so about that amnesty thing.
I was thinking maybe we should do one of them here, me and you.
What, at Abbey Grove? Do you think it's that bad, really?
Yeah. I keep you sheltered from it, but it's a jungle out there.
- Okay. Our kids have weapons. - Yeah.
- Mitchell, Joe, Remm Dog. - The boy in the wheelchair?
He's the worst, he's got like spikes
that he puts in his hub caps, like in Ben-Hur.
Well, I do think an amnesty could be a good idea.
Ooh, I know, I could get our amnesty some press.
- Press? - Yeah, I've got a contact at The Observer.
Oh, The Observer?
The Watford Observer.
I used to hook up with a Page Three girl there.
The Watford Observer doesn't have a Page Three.
Well, her article about me was on page three.
Why were you in the press?
Broke my leg playing human chess.
- So wait, you broke your leg-- - So, the amnesty.
We're going to need a venue.
- Now, I was thinking-- - Canteen?
Nando's, a little wing roulette.
Two sides, macho peas, the rice.
Maybe movie afterwards to celebrate.
I'll see if the canteen's free.
Suit yourself.
Hey, press are gonna love this, aren't they?
Little celebrity power couple
changing the world for the better.
Brangelina, Bennifer.
- Rudy? - Who's Rudy?
Richard and Judy.
I'll see you at lunch, Alfie.
Please don't book Nando's.
I won't. I couldn't.
I've tried. They don't take bookings.
Their chicken's first come, first serve, baby.
Not my class.
Okay, guys. There's something very important that I need you to do.
Ooh, thanks.
No problem, it's on the house
'cause that's what friends do, isn't it?
They buy things for each other.
You all look knackered.
Have you had another party that I wasn't invited to?
They've all been playing Tokyo Sin.
Yes, bruv, Tokyo Sin is Dench!
Hang on.
Hands up if you've got this game.
Typical, Joe. The only one on my crew with a little bit of sense.
It's just that it's an 18 and my mom won't buy it for me.
If only I had an adult friend who owed me big time.
Sir, Tokyo Sin is just a craze!
Yeah, but you don't get crazed, do you, sir?
'Cause you're older than that condom you've got in your wallet.
Sir didn't get crazes, 'cause he went to a posh boy school.
Too busy playing Quidditch with David Cameron.
Right, I didn't go to Hogwarts,
and look, for the record, we had crazes, too.
Yeah? Pogs, mm.
Now there was a craze.
Who remembers pogs?
Pogs!
Oh, you missed out. Pogs were amazing.
You had these little cardboard discs, right?
And you pile them up into a tower
and then with another cardboard disc
you chuck it at the pile of cardboard discs
and, it...
I'm going to accept that pogs has not aged well.
[sighs]
Stephen, no offense, but this game,
is it your kind of thing?
Nazis in fishnets?
It's just like Cabaret.
Chantelle, you're a girl.
Who meets guys on the online multiplayer.
Look me up, my name's Jailbait, all one word.
- And I've got webcam. - Blocked.
See, I'm the only one.
You is missing out, fam!
Anyone done blitz kick yet, the finishing move?
Ah, you kick 'em in the head, huah!
Head explodes, boosh, brains everywhere.
'Course I have, I've got bare tekkers.
Yeah, but you play it on PC, didn't ya?
That shit is old, where'd you find it?
- Your nan's vag? - At least my sister ain't lesbian.
- She ain't lesbian! - She goes to university.
- And? - Everybody knows university is for lesbos.
Do one, Gran Turismo!
Oh, you two stop flirting.
Look, when I was your age I had an N64
and that had far better games on it than Tokyo Sin. Zelda.
What'd you do in that one, sir?
Dress up like a bender and play the flute?
- It was an ocarina! - Oh, wow, an ocarina.
Bet it helped you get the ladies.
Yeah, it did actually, Mitchell.
Maybe I should lend it to your sister.
[laughing]
Look, the point is, you're all very young and impressionable.
A game like this is dangerous because
it is encouraging you to be violent.
That said, I am going to need you
to get hold of some weapons.
Bats, flick knives, chains.
Think outside the box.
And bring anything you find into lunch.
Ow...
[upbeat music]
Yes, Mr. Habsi.
I understand, shalom.
No, that's the other ones, isn't it? Mazel tov?
Hello?
Alfie, Alfred the Great, son of Aethelwulf
and Osburga of Oslac of Wessex.
I see you've been on Wikipedia again.
Look, I thought everyone was
overreacting, but they're right.
All of my class are playing that game.
That's why I've been raping my brain.
It's racking my brain.
Is the pope Hindu?
No.
How do you stop a craze?
Invent a craze to replace it.
- Do you? - Right, take a seat, Dragon.
Dragon?
Next into the den is Fraser,
who wants investment for his ingenious crazes for kids.
First up, tattoos.
Tattoos?
They're a victimless crime, and potentially educational.
The kids could get a map of the world,
the periodic table, or Picasso's Guernica.
Yeah, I suspect some of the parents might object.
- Say it, then. - Say what?
You've seen Dragon's Den.
Fraser, we're not on Dragon's Den.
I'm not moving until you say it.
[sighs]
If I say it, will this all be over quicker?
- I'm out. - Craze two, kids like animals, right?
Yeah, I guess.
Franimals.
Animals made from fruit.
Behold, Orange-a-tang
and his jungle wife, Apple-o-tamus.
[screeches like monkey]
[snorts]
Right, I'm out, and I'm also leaving.
Zebranana?
[snorts like a horse]
You need help.
[upbeat music]
- Die, Nazi bitch! - Blitz kick!
- Bullshit. - Oh, this is embarrassing.
It's turned Mollison even into more of a driveling idiot.
Eat my fist, you ho!
[buzzer rings]
Um... where's Rosie? Who are you?
I'm Ron, I'm assisting Rosie today.
Well, Ron. I think you'll find Rosie asked me to assist her.
- So you can assist off. - Look, mate, I have to be here.
A licensed weapons expert must be present.
Well, mate.
That is exactly why Rosie asked me to be present.
Because I actually own a gun.
Yeah, don't get much more expert than that, do you?
You own a gun?
Yes, I own a gun, Ron.
It's a glock. I bought it off some Albanians in the pub.
They're always selling me black market shit.
Guns, drugs, a snuff film.
Yeah, so...
What heat you packing Mr. Weapons Expert?
Standard issue pepper spray.
[snorts] Standard issue pepper spray.
What are you, an old woman?
I'm a police officer.
Right.
Good.
I'm sorry.
I... I was lying.
I don't own a gun, and the Albanians,
they sold me like one DVD once.
And I didn't even watch it all the way
through 'cause the quality was so poor.
Do you know what happens at the end of The Notebook?
So, you've met the sergeant.
Yeah, Ron, my buddy. I love the police.
Shoot first, ask questions later, right?
[laughs awkwardly]
Have you got any weapons?
Not unless you've got a very small gun in your pocket.
It's not a gun, it's my cock, Ron.
[upbeat music]
Chantelle, what are you doing? Fingernails aren't weapons.
Try telling that to Linda Beale.
No one wears Tulisa's scent on my turf.
- Milk? - I'm lactose intolerant.
This one thought it was a funny idea to spike my soy latte!
- Mitchell made me do it. - That's chemical warfare!
Yes, but it's not a weapon.
Any trace of dairy and I go from Will Smith
to Cee-Lo quicker than you can say kiss from a rose.
[buzzer rings]
What are you wearing?
Ninja mask, innit?
Make them out of old t-shirts.
Take it off!
What have you got to hand in?
Oh, here we go.
This is your science homework.
Knowledge is power, sir.
And if I become a brilliant scientist,
I could destroy whole worlds in the flick of a switch.
The only thing you could contribute to science is your body.
Now go away.
[sighs]
Macaroni and cheese?
- Get that plate away from me. - Why, Glee?
I have an allergy, that plate could kill me.
That was a mistake.
Mac attack!
[screaming]
[laughing]
My face!
[screams]
[♪ "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal]
♪ Love remained a drug ♪
♪ That's the high not the pill ♪
♪ But did you know that when it snows ♪
♪ My eyes become larger ♪
♪ The light that you shine can be seen ♪
Consider yourself blitzed.
♪ Baby I compare you to a kiss ♪
♪ From a rose on the gray ♪
♪ Now that your rose is in bloom ♪
♪ A light hits the gloom on the gray ♪
[Miss Gulliver] How dare you use typical violence
like this, it's cowardly, cowardly!
These ninja masks are totally against
school rules, so off with their heads.
What are we gonna do about the newspaper?
Oh, I was thinking we could appease them.
Give them a replacement story.
"Injured human chess boy in miracle recovery."
I was thinking we ask them back and explain we're taking steps to teach conflict resolution.
Yeah, that might be a better idea.
How do we yabba dabba do that?
I spoke to Ron. He's trained in self defense.
Ugh, not that police doofus.
We could do a demonstration for the kids.
He's such an interesting guy, Ron.
He was showing me some of his holds.
He's so strong, yet so soft at the same time.
Sounds like a toilet roll.
Preet! There's a guy at my gym who teaches self defense.
He'd be perfect, the kids would love him.
Fraser, we're not having some random guy from your gym.
Alfie's right, Ron's more qualified.
But I mean, if you say this Preet guy's a professional.
I mean, he'd probably be better than Sergeant Andrex.
Okay, Miss G, you get onto the paper.
I'll give my guy a tinkle, how does that sound yeah?
Samira, I am so sorry.
Oh, my God, please don't tell your father.
[male voice on TV] Violence is everywhere,
so how do you protect yourself?
This is Loretta, your typical, all-American woman.
She's standing outside a jazz club,
but she's about to have a run-in with some jazz lovers.
If your attacker tries to blind you,
raise your hand up to the bridge
of your nose to disable the gouge.
Well done, Loretta.
But next time, play it safe
and stick to country and western.
And where's Loretta now?
She's watching some brothers shooting hoops in the projects.
If an attacker comes from behind,
scrape down on their shin with the heel of your stiletto.
Not this time, Jermaine.
Try slam dunking the funk after that!
And remember, on November 8th, vote Republican.
So, I would ignore all of that.
Um, what you have to remember is that that video
was made in a time when people were... racist.
Then why did you show it to us?
Because, Jing, teachers live by an ancient code as old as time.
Which is?
If you're out of your depth, put on a video.
Look, what Stephen did in the canteen wasn't cool.
Well, it was. Grayson's a prick.
Agreed, but you can't lash out like that.
What if someone's giving you beef?
Turning the other cheek will always be the best policy.
What, like Neville Chamberlain did with Hitler?
Why is you only ever remember history to prove me wrong?
[speaks foreign language]
Yes, Jing, and Tiananmen Square.
Look, what is the deadliest animal on the planet?
- A tiger. - No, the human being.
We're all biologically conditioned to fight.
The deadliest weapon on the planet is the human brain.
Okay, so that Stuart Hawkins bloke,
he's the brainiest guy in the world, right?
Stephen Hawking, yeah, but--
All right, so if he's so deadly,
who'd win in a fight between him and a tiger?
- Well, the tiger, obviously. - So he's not the deadliest.
- That's not the point. - What about him versus a shark?
- The shark. - What, even on dry land?
No, I guess on dry land the shark would probably dry out.
I can't believe I'm even playing this game.
Look, there are plenty of animals
that could kill Stephen Hawking.
- Like a badger? - Yes, a badger probably would.
- How though? - I don't know!
Bite him, give him TB.
Mr. Wickers, I'm just returning Stephen.
- Did you apologize to Grayson? - Told him to swivel.
See, proof that everything can be resolved with words.
What about Israel and Palestine?
Oh, stop learning.
Mr. Wickers, can I bum a dime of your time?
Jing, take over.
- [yelling] - [grunting]
Ah, what the hell?
Cease and desist, cease and desist!
All right, all right, I ceased, please let me go.
[laughing]
- Classic! - What the hell is going on?
Absolutely classic. Alfie, this is Preet from my gym.
Hi, bro, pleasure. Preet Van Der Plessis.
[laughs]
What is this?
This is your very own personal safety guru.
I like this mouthy fella, spunky.
- Putt from the rough, yah? - What?
You take it in the karoo, you're a bill donger, a cat goofer.
[laughs]
Nah, I'm messing, bro.
No, no, I'm here to show your kids
how to bring the fire to a brawl.
He means prevent a fight.
Or maybe, paralyze a woman.
[laughs]
I told you Alf, Preet changed my life.
Yeah, teacher here man looked like a scrawny sack of shit and bones,
but I've turned him into a cobra.
[hisses]
Yeah, well, having thought about it
I think my kids will be fine.
Are they though, bro?
If I camo'd up, and broke into your class with a hunting knife,
would you take me down before I butchered a kid or two?
[laughing]
Messing bro, no, no, no.
Fraser, is this man even allowed near children?
I mean, has he got a CRB check?
Alf, I've paid for Preet's time and he's serious buns.
Would you at least consider it?
Is this one of these things where
you ask me for permission for something
that's definitely happening anyway?
- Yes. - [sighs]
Great, well, I'll unload the van.
- You've got crash mats? - Crash mats?
Yeah, I need to show them how to deal with anything.
You're a filthy, dick-licking piece of shit.
But I like you.
I really, really like you.
He always does that.
[kids chattering]
Okay, listen up you ragtag pack of cocksuckers!
Right, okay, can we just rein in the homophobia a little
- in front of the children? - Yeah, keep your plug in dick tickler.
So, personal safety.
Who wants to know how to throw a one-inch punch?
Yes, bruv!
Obviously we won't be doing that
as this class is about avoiding violent situations.
Now, all you need to win in a fight is that.
- Head butts. - Thinking.
Preet here is going to help you
identify the danger signs, aren't you, Preet?
- How to spot trouble. - Ah, racial profiling.
It used to just be blacks. Now Asians are tricky, too.
That's inappropriate.
- Should we-- - Okay, volunteers.
- Who wants to dance? - [all] Me, me!
I will do it.
[class groans]
Okay, butt stuffer.
[sighs]
Here's your kit.
I'm not getting changed.
Fine, wheels, you're up.
Okay. I'm going, I'm going.
[in-game music]
[fighting sound effects]
[woman screaming in game]
Yah, that's better, puss.
Now you're going to play with daddy.
[laughing]
Right, um, now, it's very important to remember
that we are not condoning violence.
What we are going to show you now
is absolutely the last--
[spluttering]
The choke hold!
And some real fun, choke the windpipe.
Right, pudge.
You're in the shower room and this fudge tunneller creeps in.
Think quick, what you gonna do?
Uh, turn the other cheek?
In the shower?
No, bro, he wants that.
You want to get him in his yam yams!
[squeals] My yam yams!
Please let go.
- Get up you prawn. - No.
I will.
Mitchell, remember what I said.
The mind is the strongest weapon that there is.
Wrong. Teacher here has clearly never felt a riot baton.
[groaning]
Why did you do that?
T-I-A, bro, this is Africa.
It's not, it's Hertfordshire.
Next step, stukkie, come up out of your high heels.
No, sir said to seek a peaceful solution.
And anyway, these are New Look.
Fine, we'll skip the full frontal
and move straight to the taser.
What, what, taser? No way!
[yells]
Hey, pass me the taser, bro, come on.
I'm gonna neutralize this cock knocker.
He's not be getting his tongue on my sugar.
Stephen, no, please, someone help!
But, sir, you've been telling us not to!
I was wrong! 100 percent definitely wrong!
Cease and desist!
Joe!
[taser buzzes]
[spluttering]
[laughing]
[spluttering]
[panting]
What?
He was a prick!
[upbeat music]
[yelling]
Looks like our weapons amnesty worked out after all.
Yeah, what happened though?
Well, you know, I'm a pacifist,
so when he started attacking me I set
an example to all the kids by non-violently
soaking up all of his negative energy.
Oh, wow, that's so great.
That takes real strength.
Then I tasered him.
Oh, thank God, Ron was here.
[man] So guys, can we get one of you two together, please?
- Over here, come on, chaps. - Oh, picture?
[man] Thank you very much.
[camera shutter clicks]
[♪ "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal]
[video game blares]
[woman screams in game]
[hisses]
[bell rings]
Alfie, look, I'm sorry.
No. I thought about what you said.
So have I.
And I've broken every rule in the book.
But I didn't want you being left out.
- Alfie. - Don't worry about it.
Well, no, it's not that. It's just that Tokyo Sin isn't cool anymore.
Ain't you heard, granddad?
It's all about Murderblade.
Murderblade?
That sounds even worse.
Basically you've got these little cardboard squares,
then you pile 'em up and then you throw
more little cardboard squares
at the little cardboard squares.
But...
That's just pogs!