1 00:00:01,720 --> 00:00:04,200 Come on, Alfie, or we're gonna get caught. 2 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:06,320 Actually, if I get caught, 3 00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:08,120 does that mean I don't have to go on a French exchange? 4 00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:10,320 Just shut up and keep guard, all right? 5 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:14,960 I can't hurry art, and this is my Sistine Chapel. 6 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:18,240 Why are you doing this? 7 00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:21,000 Uh, revenge. You've seen the gents'. 8 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,520 The slander all over the walls, 9 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,800 that has got Pickwell's name written all over it. 10 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,600 It's got your name written all over it. 11 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:29,400 She is the only person in this school 12 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:31,840 that hates me enough to write these mean things. 13 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:33,240 What, about your weird feet? 14 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:37,240 They're not weird. They're just... flat... 15 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:40,000 and slightly webbed. 16 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:41,560 Is that why you have to wear the special shoes? 17 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:44,520 You lot are just jealous because I'm evolving quicker. 18 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,640 When the ice caps melt, I will be swimming to safety 19 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:49,760 like Kevin Costner in Waterworld. 20 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:53,560 -What's Waterworld? -What's Waterworld? 21 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:57,760 You haven't seen Waterworld? Oh, Jesus. 22 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,400 Give me that, you little tart. 23 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,280 Right, off you go. 24 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:03,440 Leave. 25 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:04,640 [Joe] She's coming! 26 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:05,960 Shit, hide. 27 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,280 -There's no way out! -The ventilation shaft. 28 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,720 -How? -Haven't you seen Die Hard? 29 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,960 -It's an 18. -What? 30 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,640 First Waterworld, now this. 31 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,960 What do they teach you people? 32 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:27,880 I told you she had a wang. 33 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,800 [thud] 34 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:34,600 Everything all right in there? 35 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,680 -Do a noise. -Like what? 36 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,720 A girl having a crap. 37 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,400 [grunting] 38 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:46,720 [high-pitched grunting] 39 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:48,360 [imitates plopping sound] 40 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,400 Pathetic. 41 00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:00,200 [upbeat music] 42 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,320 Yippie-ki-yay, motherf... 43 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:31,400 Oh, you wouldn't get it. 44 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,360 [laughing] Here's Dick and Dick... 45 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:35,720 Well, that's a sheer compliment, 46 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,120 because they won two children's BAFTAs. 47 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:39,240 What's this? 48 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,680 Taking a photo of you two butt nuggets 49 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:41,920 leaving the ladies'. 50 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,480 I'm twit-picking that shit. 51 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,560 -Don't be a dick. -Chill out, Flippers. 52 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:47,640 Someone's been reading Pickwell's graffiti, I see. 53 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:49,440 That's my graffiti, innit? 54 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,600 Covering for her. I'm surprised. 55 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,880 You're many things, Grayson, 56 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,560 but I didn't think you could be bought. 57 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:56,560 -Oh, shut up, Jumper. -"Jumper"? 58 00:02:56,560 --> 00:03:00,280 Yeah, you're wearing a jumper, and jumpers are bent, mate. 59 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:04,400 This is not bent. This is Dries van Noten. 60 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:08,120 Marvin from JLS rocked one of these bad boys on The One Show. 61 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:09,520 [laughing] 62 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,680 Look, just delete the photo. 63 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,600 Shut up, Chicken Dipper. 64 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:16,240 -Please. -And what if I don't? 65 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:21,000 Then I will tell on you 66 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,360 to a more senior member of the staff. 67 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:25,600 [laughing] 68 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,840 You is brass, bro. 69 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,000 Oh, thank you. 70 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:34,320 Tell you what, I'll delete the photo if you do me a favor. 71 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,440 OK, but I'm not getting involved 72 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,200 in any of your gang nonsense. 73 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,800 I've seen Kidulthood, I'm not killing anyone with a bat. 74 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:48,200 [upbeat pop music] 75 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:55,160 -Change. -But it was my money. 76 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,440 And the rest. 77 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:03,560 Prick. 78 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:09,760 That went well. 79 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:11,880 [speaking French] 80 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,600 [mumbling] 81 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:16,800 Brie? 82 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,240 Um, look, about the French exchange, 83 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:20,880 uh, please don't send Joe. 84 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,720 He really doesn't wanna go. He hates France. 85 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,720 I was thinking maybe you could send a Francophile. 86 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:28,600 Why would we send a PE teacher? 87 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:32,200 No, someone who loves France. 88 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:35,400 Skin? 89 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:36,240 Hanging! 90 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:37,880 Why are there all these parents here? 91 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,200 What's with all the questions? 92 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,640 Am I on Mastermind? 93 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:44,800 If I am, chosen specialist subject, classical banter, 94 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,800 6th of the 9th ‘73 to present day. 95 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,680 -What's going on? -I've started, I'll finish. 96 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,400 The MILF brigade are in a bit of a tizz 97 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,720 about the impending "arrivay" of the French exchange. 98 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:58,360 After last year's little debacle, this year, 99 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:01,200 the parents don't want their kids getting pregnant. 100 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,600 Frigid! 101 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,320 So to quash any menopausal mayhem, 102 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,640 you have done the assembly on PSHE, haven't you? 103 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:09,880 Yeah. 104 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,480 Well, I mean, I haven't. 105 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:12,800 I let Steven do it 'cause, you know, 106 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,760 -he's into drama and stuff. -Oh, yeah. 107 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:18,760 Uh, he's doing a presentation on gender equality. 108 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:19,960 [chuckles] 109 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,440 Ready? 110 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,440 I've double dropped. 111 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:31,520 [pop music plays] 112 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:41,800 [applause and cheering] 113 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,680 Not a fan of R&B. 114 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:24,000 [upbeat rap] 115 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,160 -Right, those aren't normally allowed. -It's shocking. 116 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,560 I'll have her out of those in no time. 117 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,600 OK, that didn't come out right. 118 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,680 [woman in background indistinct] 119 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,600 -What? -Fraser is so out of his depth. 120 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,440 We were talking about teen sexuality, 121 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,320 and I was telling him about my experiences 122 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:49,480 at a young age with other girls, 123 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:55,240 and he just made this grunt noise and tensed up 124 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,440 and he ran to the toilet. 125 00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:58,680 Sad, really. 126 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:01,960 Yeah, 'cause I'm, like, so cool with that. 127 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,960 You know... You... 128 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,760 ...other girls, making out. 129 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,480 [chuckling] 130 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,600 'Cause what I mean is, like, we've all done that. 131 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,160 We've all been there. 132 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:18,760 Like, I had a thing when I was, like, 13. 133 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,520 I was having a sleepover 134 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:27,000 and I was top and tailing with Atticus Hoye, and I was at half-mast. 135 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,680 Maybe even two-thirds. 136 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,280 No, but, you see, I think my point is, 137 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,160 I think Fraser might have a more personal problem. 138 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,720 Ah, lives in Darby now, old Atticus. 139 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,480 Added me on Facebook the other day. 140 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:46,400 Let's just say I would not get a semi anymore. 141 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,360 -Should you go and help Fraser? -Yup. 142 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,000 This is going straight onto Mumsnet. 143 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,480 Sod, Mumsnet. 144 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,840 OK, last year, Jean-Claude caused a bit of a stir. 145 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,440 -Disgusting beast. -Chill, Winston. 146 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,480 You've let this place become a den of iniquity. 147 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:01,440 Look at this. Don't you think girls have enough pressure 148 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,800 without this kind of thing? 149 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:04,560 Oh, we don't discriminate. 150 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,960 We love the Dove adverty ones enter. 151 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,400 -Fat Alice did it last year. -That is outrageous. 152 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,640 Exactly, that's why I voted her off in the first round. 153 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:15,440 -"Fat Alice" is my daughter. -Hasn't she got nice eyes? 154 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:19,240 A lovely girl. Bubbly Alice. 155 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,880 And it's gonna be worse when the exchange students arrive. 156 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:25,440 I don't want some predator in a beret groping my daughter. 157 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,760 Mrs. Lithgow, if it's any consolation, I think 158 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:31,800 Twinkly-Eyed Alice will be very low down on their list. 159 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,680 Nope, that appears to have made it worse. 160 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,840 Look, you're all squabbling over 161 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:42,720 what is the most beautiful part in bringing up a child. 162 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:45,240 We have to work together to help our kids 163 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,560 embrace the changes that are 164 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,400 going on inside their bodies. 165 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,760 -[coughing] Bullshit. -Finally, some sense. 166 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,240 I think it's really important that we make a stand-- 167 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:55,680 Yoo, my turn. 168 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:59,440 Um, just wanted to throw this one out there. 169 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:04,800 If any of the staff or, indeed, mums, are under the age of 40, 170 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:06,840 unless they're proper fit, 171 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:14,200 want to come and draw on my wealth of sexual knowledge, 172 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,400 you know where my door is. 173 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,800 How can I trust this moron with teaching 174 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:21,360 my children something as important as sex education? 175 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,640 I can assure you, we are more than qualified to deal with this. 176 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:27,320 Perhaps some of the parents might like to sit in on a class. 177 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:30,920 Mr. Wickers, you'd be happy with that, wouldn't you? 178 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:34,360 -Um... -Alfie? 179 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,360 Yeah, yeah, sure, fine, yeah, cool. 180 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,880 Share the knowledge. Feel the force. 181 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:44,560 I'm like a sex Yoda. 182 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:47,960 [Yoda voice] Many times done it I have. 183 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,160 [laughing] Top-notch Jedi banter. 184 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,240 Well, that's settled, then. 185 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:56,160 What say you meet us all back here at 2:30, 186 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,880 and I can promise by the time 187 00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:59,960 that minibus arrives from France, 188 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,360 all your little Casanovas 189 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,200 will know their pinks from their browns, OK? 190 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:10,440 [upbeat rock music] 191 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:16,520 You need to be aware of all the major sexual organs. 192 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:18,720 Yeah. 193 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:21,160 Labia. Vulva. 194 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,680 Vagina. 195 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:29,800 So we're all good talking about the... 196 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:30,800 Anus. 197 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,320 I thought we could watch a home video 198 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:36,520 my husband and I made on our honeymoon. 199 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,760 It's on the Internet somewhere. 200 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,840 Acts 15:20. 201 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:43,800 "And Moses did write to them, 202 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:47,200 telling them to abstain from sexual immorality 203 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:50,400 and from the meat of strangled animals." 204 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,640 That's funny, miss. Bet you'd like to strangle the meat of your animal. 205 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,560 Shut up, Grayson. 206 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:58,320 [Mrs. Mollinson] And in he goes, back and forth, back and forth. 207 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,320 [man mumbling] 208 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:07,160 Sex was invented by the Romans. 209 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:11,600 Pornography will give you a totally distorted impression of the female body. 210 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,880 Those aren't real women. 211 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,760 This is. 212 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,360 It's... a fanny. 213 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:25,560 I give up, I don't know how to do it. 214 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:26,800 [Mitchell] Well, sir, what about you just draw 215 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,280 a frog's dick on the board 216 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:30,160 so Joe knows what he's gonna be sucking on next week? 217 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,600 You're an idiot. 218 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:35,680 Look, Joe, you never know, you might enjoy it. 219 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:37,800 I'd rather shit in my hand and clap. 220 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,600 Sir, why is it only me that has to go 221 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,160 to a French farm to stay with a bunch of freaks? 222 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,200 Not all farmers are freaks. 223 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:48,240 Alex James. He's in Blur. 224 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,680 But they sent me some cheese through the post. 225 00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:53,120 There you are, that's lovely. 226 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,920 Probably made from the farmer's wife's tit milk. 227 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:57,640 -Don't be stupid. -They do that, I read it in Nuts. 228 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,240 -What? -Yeah, and you're gonna have to wank off a cow. 229 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,480 Why on earth would he have to do that? 230 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,520 To get milk, you pagan. 231 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,320 You genuinely think that's where milk comes from? 232 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,400 Look, France isn't that bad. 233 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,800 They've got loads of cool stuff. 234 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:16,680 Like skiing and... Poirot. 235 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,520 [in Chinese] He's Belgian, you moron. 236 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,560 Poirot, Jing, he was a fictional detective 237 00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:23,800 created by Agatha Christie, you know, 238 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,800 Murder on the Orient Express. 239 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,280 Don't worry, they murder an American. 240 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,160 Not one of yours. 241 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,920 I can't believe you've actually read a book. 242 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,440 Book? 243 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,720 I watched the TV shows. 244 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:41,960 OK, let's do this, and remember, it's all anonymous, 245 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,840 so you have nothing to worry about. 246 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,000 "Should I stop strangling when their lips go blue?" 247 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,480 Right, I'm not even going to dignify that with a response, Mitchell. 248 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,920 Sir! 249 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:57,760 "Will any of the French exchange boys be on Grindr?" 250 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:01,280 -Steven, I have no idea. -Lucky dip, then. 251 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,760 Is it too much to ask to have a serious one? 252 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,240 "He's 23, I'm 15. 253 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:08,440 "What will it feel like?" 254 00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,960 Illegal, Chantelle. 255 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:17,120 [upbeat pop music] 256 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:22,800 Oh. 257 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,240 I have just had... 258 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,720 the most amazing... 259 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,240 sex ed class. 260 00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:34,320 It was so honest. 261 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,680 We had this big discussion about losing your virginity, 262 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:40,320 and Jason Stevens admitted he was still a virgin. 263 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,320 [laughing] 264 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,600 -That's good. -It wasn't a joke, Alfie. 265 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,800 It was heartfelt and moving. 266 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,960 -What was that book? -Ah, just-- 267 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,160 Oh, I know this one, it's very helpful with the basics. 268 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,000 Yeah, I mean, I didn't really need it. 269 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,600 It was just, in class earlier, 270 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,400 I sort of messed up a diagram of a penis. 271 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,840 I mean, my one of the woman's, um... 272 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,160 Vagina? 273 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:05,400 Yeah, vajuja, I mean that was good 274 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,400 'cause I've obviously seen many of them 275 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,280 in my time, so I got all the bits right 276 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:16,520 and the tubes and the eggs... 277 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:20,760 and um... the... lid. 278 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,200 The lid? Do you mean the labia? 279 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:26,880 Yes. Yeah, the lab, la, labia. 280 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:28,600 -Labia, yeah. -That's what it's called. 281 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:31,200 Well, look, if you're teaching the phallus, 282 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,120 then it's very important you know your own. 283 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,960 How can you expect your class to understand their bodies 284 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,240 if you don't understand yours? 285 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:40,840 You don't need this. Just study your own. 286 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:42,320 Get to know it. 287 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:46,200 What, I mean, shall I trace it? 288 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,000 Examine it. Don't be afraid of it. 289 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,360 Yeah. Yeah, you're right. 290 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,360 I don't need this, this shitty book. 291 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,840 There's all my answers. 292 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,280 Yeah, darn this shitty book. 293 00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,280 [yelling] 294 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:00,400 Oh, you hit someone, Alfie. 295 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,880 Oh! 296 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,600 Fraser, what are you... What are you doing? 297 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,840 Oh, just, uh, just Peter crouching. 298 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,520 You know, squat thrusts. 299 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,520 Oh... Just a standard library gym sesh, 300 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,280 working on the old bibliopecs. 301 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,240 How are the old pump and grind classes going? 302 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:16,920 Yeah, yeah, I was just telling Alfie. 303 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:20,800 I mean, this is the stuff that reminds me why I teach. 304 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:21,400 Don't you think it's amazing 305 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,760 that we can inspire such honesty sexually? 306 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,880 Here's that book you asked for. 307 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:30,240 Ooh, no, that's not for me. 308 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:34,400 It is, you specifically made me buy it from Amazon. 309 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:38,640 Oh, fine. Very chatty for a librarian, aren't you? 310 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,160 It's for my class. 311 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:47,880 So I'll go and read it to them now. 312 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,560 Now? Classes don't start for half an hour. 313 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:53,680 Oh, whoops. Jumped the gun again. 314 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,560 Not "again." 315 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,520 [dance music] 316 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,560 OK, I need to inspire some honesty, 317 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,320 so I'm gonna need one of you to lie about being gay. 318 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,800 Thought it'd make my sex ed class look so pro. 319 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,800 You know, you come out then I'll counsel you, 320 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:14,960 like the bald guy they bring out on Jeremy Kyle. 321 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,600 I'll go gay, sir, but only if you watch. 322 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,760 And from now on, comments like that will be banned. 323 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,800 Sir, after a good deal of soul searching 324 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,640 and a powerful journey of self-discovery, 325 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:28,800 I've come to the conclusion that I am gay. 326 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:29,680 Ah, that's lovely, Steven, 327 00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:32,560 but what we need here is a surprise. 328 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,400 Joe. 329 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:36,400 No. 330 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:37,960 -No, no, no, no, no. -Look-- 331 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,320 Now, don't overreact. 332 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:40,840 [inhales] No. 333 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,320 Just calm down. 334 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:43,600 No, I'm not doing it. 335 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,320 Please, all I'm asking you to do 336 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:46,760 is be gay for a day. 337 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,440 You just stand up in the middle of the class and say, 338 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,400 "Mr. Wickers, I'm out and proud." 339 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:52,280 Alfie, please don't do this. 340 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,280 Look, we all go through phases. 341 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:58,120 This one time, me and Atticus Hoye were apple-bobbing 342 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,120 at Patrick Marsh's barn dance, 343 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:04,400 and let's just say our hands did not remain behind our backs. 344 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,560 I really, really don't wanna do this. 345 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,400 Please. 346 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:12,320 I know, I'll get you out of going to France. 347 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,200 You promise? 348 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,440 Have I ever let you down? 349 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:21,520 [in Chinese] Even for you, this is really irresponsible. 350 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:22,760 Oh, that's very sweet of you 351 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,400 to offer to come out as well, Ying, 352 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:25,880 but, as they say in China, 353 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,560 one child will do. 354 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:28,960 [groans] 355 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,680 That sounds like the French exchange. 356 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,120 Oh, they're gonna be fit! 357 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,120 [speaking indistinct] 358 00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,680 Where're this lot from in France anyway? 359 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:39,920 From the town of Hoogeveen. 360 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,480 Hoogeveen? That sounds German. 361 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,320 Are you sure it's in France, Fraser? 362 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,360 Yes, from the French province of Drenthe. 363 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,880 Um... Hoogeveen is in Holland. 364 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:55,800 For God's sakes, man, you teach geography. 365 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,840 I don't know, I mean, who's ever been to Holland? 366 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,160 I used to work in Amsterdam. 367 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,200 Well, they're Dutch. It's fine. 368 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:06,560 They're not obsessed with sex. 369 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:11,240 I mean, look, no one's gonna be hopping on that. 370 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:18,400 [sensual rock music] 371 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,480 Oh, my God. 372 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:31,640 Get that boy to the wheelie bins now! 373 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,760 Shut up, you slag, he's well bent. Isn't he, Steven? 374 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,160 Well, if he isn't, I'll bend him. 375 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,280 Oh, waffles. 376 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,840 Shoot in the hole. Into me. 377 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,280 [grunts] 378 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:53,560 Whoa, you just denied this quarterback a three-pointer. 379 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,560 Fraser, Joe can't go to Hoogeveen. 380 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,520 New balls, please. 381 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,880 Email from Mr. Smith 382 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,880 asking me to stop referring to him 383 00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:05,400 as a "brother from another mother." 384 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:09,480 He shoots and, whoo, a touchdown. 385 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:13,000 Fraser, did you listen to me? Joe can't go. 386 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,200 -Why? -[exhales] Look. 387 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,120 He has been having some words with me 388 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:23,840 in private about a couple of issues that he's having 389 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:27,840 regarding his sexuality. 390 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:29,640 Why would that mean he can't go to Holland? 391 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:33,200 Fraser, Holland. 392 00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:37,840 A young chap like that, vulnerable, unsure of himself, 393 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:41,640 wandering around the Red Light District of Amsterdam, 394 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,240 high on marijuana? 395 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:46,000 They'd pass his bottom round like a joint. 396 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,680 Ooh, formal warning from the governess 397 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:52,760 regarding my conduct towards a black parent. 398 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:54,840 ♪ Do do do do ♪ 399 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,760 ♪ Do do do do ♪ 400 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,360 ♪ Do do do do ♪ 401 00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,400 ♪ Do do do do ♪ 402 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,600 [grunting] 403 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,640 Home run! 404 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,680 [imitating trumpet] 405 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:07,960 Actually, can you just pick that one out? 406 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:12,480 I should probably give it a read before the hearing. 407 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,240 So are we agreed? 408 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:17,640 Joe's not going. 409 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,800 [sighs] Well, if he's having issues, 410 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,440 we can't send him abroad. 411 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,800 I'll just ring around for another pupil. 412 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,560 Oh... before you do that, 413 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,320 one of Miss Pickwell's class 414 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,160 has expressed a real 415 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,560 affinity with the culture. 416 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,280 Get in the locker! 417 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,640 Hello, Francis. 418 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:43,400 Well, if it ain't Dries van Noten. 419 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:47,000 Ooh, speaking a little Dutch. That'll come in handy. 420 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,960 You been sniffing Pritt Stick again, you dick rash? 421 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:54,320 No, because I found out that it's solvent free. 422 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,520 Fraser has just been on the phone to your parents. 423 00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,960 Turns out there was a last-minute dropout 424 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,400 on the Dutch exchange, 425 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:05,560 and we all decided that you could go instead. 426 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,320 You're gonna love it on the farm in Hoogeveen. 427 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:12,000 The 5:00am start, the smell of manure, 428 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:16,440 the vigorous milking, and that's just Mrs. Vorhoeven. 429 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:22,840 As they say in Holland, "auf weidersehn." 430 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:26,720 [sensual rock music] 431 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,680 Welcome, Wilkommen. Bienvenue. 432 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,800 -Don't block the camera. -Camera, are you filming this? 433 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,400 Yeah, I'm streaming it on Mumsnet. 434 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:43,600 Thank you very much for that. 435 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,360 Now, I'm glad you could all make it 436 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:47,440 to one of our live sex shows. 437 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,840 Sorry, live classes on sex. 438 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,560 Sex ed class. 439 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,000 It's not a live sex show. 440 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,680 Now, I know you're all a little bit worried 441 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,800 about your kids mingling with the French students 442 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,880 and their dubious sexual outlook. 443 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,000 Fear not, because luckily, 444 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,440 ah, our students are, in fact, Dutch. 445 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,680 So, enough tickle, a bit more tackle, 446 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:17,560 funk you very much. 447 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,440 Settle down, brothers and sisters. 448 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:23,760 It's time to share. 449 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:27,800 Where have I been? Good question. 450 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:32,240 Well, I've been sat in a room getting to know my penis. 451 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:39,240 And you know what? 452 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:43,440 He's a pretty great guy, 'cause Miss G.'s right. 453 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:47,000 How can you lot understand your penises 454 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,520 if you don't get to know my penis first? 455 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,360 That's out of context. 456 00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:57,440 You don't need books or libraries. 457 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:02,800 All of the answers are in here, the pant library. 458 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:06,000 So... next chapter. 459 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,800 Sex. 460 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:13,320 I thought you guys should share. 461 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:19,800 Is there anything anyone wants to share with the group? 462 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:20,600 Joe, maybe? 463 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,720 Something that you might like to tell us, 464 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,200 some honesty that I have inspired? 465 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,560 Nope. 466 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:30,440 For me, it's all about making everyone happy. 467 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,200 It's just our bodies, guys, let's have fun. 468 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:35,840 Wait, I'm sorry, we're not talking about "fun" and "happiness," 469 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,200 Hoogeveen. 470 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,400 We're talking about sex, yeah? 471 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:41,120 But if you're not mature enough 472 00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:42,840 to share with the group, that's fine. 473 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:44,760 Hey, I'm mature enough. You want me to share? 474 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:46,760 OK, well, I like to strum the clitoris. 475 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,680 -Oh... -Don't say that! 476 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,240 -What's the clitoris? -Oh, it's-- 477 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:51,440 It's nothing, it's nothing. 478 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,200 It doesn't even exist, it's a myth. 479 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,720 Wait, you're saying the clitoris is a myth? 480 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:56,120 What is a glittorish? 481 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:57,920 -Chantelle'll show you. -Yeah, all right. 482 00:23:57,920 --> 00:23:59,440 No, Chantelle, please keep your clothes on. 483 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,640 Hey, brother, why don't you share your experiences? 484 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:05,320 Um, does anyone wanna help me out? Joe? 485 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,280 -What is a glittorish? -And what's a MILF? 486 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,400 -Right, not helping. -Your mum's a MILF. 487 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:11,600 -She is not. -A MILF, my friend, I believe, 488 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,520 -is a mother I'd like to-- -Fondle, fondle. 489 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,800 A mother I would like to fondle. 490 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,360 Joe, are you sure there's nothing you wanna tell us? 491 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:18,600 -No. -[sniffing] 492 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,160 What's that I can smell? Is it cheese? 493 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,240 It's almost like we're on a farm. 494 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,400 -I'm gay. -Sorry, I didn't hear it. 495 00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:29,800 You'll have to be a little bit louder. 496 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:30,440 I'm gay. 497 00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:33,360 -Gay! Yup, how honest. -[laughing] 498 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:37,120 -Well done, Joe. -That's great, man. 499 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:39,400 Mitchell, you owe us a fiver. I told you he was gay. 500 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:40,800 I'm not actually gay. 501 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,320 No, no, he definitely is a gay. 502 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:45,400 Well, are you gay or not? 503 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,800 Alfie made me be gay for him. 504 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,320 -Uh, right, I didn't. -No, you did. 505 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:53,200 You said if I didn't go gay for you 506 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:54,880 you'd send me to Holland to live on a farm. 507 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,880 He's making this sound a lot worse than it actually was. 508 00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:58,440 Yeah, look, Grayson sent me a photo 509 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:00,120 of them coming out of the ladies' toilet together. 510 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:02,720 -[laughter] -Shit! I bought him cider! 511 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:04,720 -That's not good. -Mumsnet has just crashed. 512 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:06,400 -That is good. -If you like sex so much, 513 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:07,680 what's your favorite position? 514 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,240 -All of them. -Shall we change the subject? 515 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,960 -What foreplay do you do? -All of the main ones. 516 00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:13,760 -When was the last time you had sex? -On... on holiday. 517 00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:15,000 Who was she? 518 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:16,160 It was a long time ago, I can't remember. 519 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:17,680 -Please-- -What was her name, sir? 520 00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,400 -She didn't have one. -Did she have boobs, sir? 521 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:20,520 I don't know. 522 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:21,600 Was it a man? What was his name? 523 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:23,320 [all talking at once] 524 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:24,520 Is it on YouPorn? 525 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:25,840 -Um... -[all talking over each other] 526 00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:28,280 [Alfie] Stop asking so many questions! 527 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:29,560 Come on, man, share with the group. 528 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:32,360 Leave me alone, Hoogeveen. 529 00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:34,560 I haven't. 530 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:36,640 [muffled chuckles] 531 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,120 All right? 532 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:42,000 I haven't ever slept with anyone. 533 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,200 I had a girlfriend for a long time. 534 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,400 She wanted to save herself. 535 00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:51,520 It just didn't happen. 536 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,160 What is a glittorish? 537 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,000 I don't know what kind of weird, sick, 538 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,480 pedophile kind of teachers you employ here, 539 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:03,840 but they are not right here. 540 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:05,240 They're not right with children. 541 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:07,160 OK, Mrs. Lithgow, chill your boobs, chill your hips, 542 00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,960 chill your lips, chill your... just chill. Just chill. 543 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,640 To be honest, I think we got off on the wrong foot. 544 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:14,400 Alice, have you ever seen her dance? 545 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:16,240 She is like two Wayne Sleeps. 546 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:17,680 I don't mean in size. 547 00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:19,280 She's a very, very dainty girl. 548 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:22,440 Alice has an inherited glandular disorder, 549 00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:24,320 not "fat" as you called her. 550 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,760 That's "phat" with a P-H. 551 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:28,640 -Alfie. -What? 552 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:30,320 About the class. Um... 553 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,920 Look, I don't wanna talk about it, all right? 554 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,480 Well, I just wanted to say that I was really, 555 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,120 really impressed. 556 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:38,680 You did exactly what I said. 557 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,920 You helped them understand it's OK not to rush things 558 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,120 by being honest about yourself. 559 00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:48,760 -Really? -Yes, Alfie, really. 560 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:51,880 See you tomorrow. 561 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,880 -Now, Alfbug. -Why are you calling me that? 562 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,240 Subo, Never Been Kissed. 563 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:58,640 Never call me that again. 564 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,800 So Mumsnet's back online, and it is not good. 565 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,200 There is what can only be described 566 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,560 as an angry hate mob demanding I sack you, 567 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,240 but luckily I've hit on a way of you taking 568 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:08,920 a brief sabbatical. 569 00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:10,280 You know what they say, 570 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:14,160 out of sight, out of murderous, angry minds. 571 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,400 Right? 572 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:22,720 Did you know Hoogeveen has one of Holland's oldest peat farms? 573 00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:24,840 What? 574 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:29,680 [chuckling] 575 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,520 -Virgins say what? -What? 576 00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:36,640 [laughing] 577 00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:44,320 [Grayson] This is going to be the longest 578 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:47,320 coach journey of your life. 579 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:50,360 [laughing]