1
00:00:01,720 --> 00:00:04,200
Come on, Alfie,
or we're gonna get caught.
2
00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:06,320
Actually, if I get caught,
3
00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:08,120
does that mean I don't have
to go on a French exchange?
4
00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:10,320
Just shut up and
keep guard, all right?
5
00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:14,960
I can't hurry art,
and this is my Sistine Chapel.
6
00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:18,240
Why are you doing this?
7
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:21,000
Uh, revenge.
You've seen the gents'.
8
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,520
The slander all over the walls,
9
00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,800
that has got Pickwell's
name written all over it.
10
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,600
It's got your name
written all over it.
11
00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:29,400
She is the only
person in this school
12
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:31,840
that hates me enough to
write these mean things.
13
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:33,240
What, about your weird feet?
14
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:37,240
They're not weird.
They're just... flat...
15
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:40,000
and slightly webbed.
16
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:41,560
Is that why you have to
wear the special shoes?
17
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:44,520
You lot are just jealous
because I'm evolving quicker.
18
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,640
When the ice caps melt,
I will be swimming to safety
19
00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:49,760
like Kevin Costner
in Waterworld.
20
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:53,560
-What's Waterworld?
-What's Waterworld?
21
00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:57,760
You haven't seen Waterworld?
Oh, Jesus.
22
00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,400
Give me that, you little tart.
23
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,280
Right, off you go.
24
00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:03,440
Leave.
25
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:04,640
[Joe] She's coming!
26
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:05,960
Shit, hide.
27
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,280
-There's no way out!
-The ventilation shaft.
28
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,720
-How?
-Haven't you seen Die Hard?
29
00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,960
-It's an 18.
-What?
30
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,640
First Waterworld, now this.
31
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,960
What do they teach you people?
32
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:27,880
I told you she had a wang.
33
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,800
[thud]
34
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:34,600
Everything all right in there?
35
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,680
-Do a noise.
-Like what?
36
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,720
A girl having a crap.
37
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,400
[grunting]
38
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:46,720
[high-pitched grunting]
39
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:48,360
[imitates plopping sound]
40
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,400
Pathetic.
41
00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:00,200
[upbeat music]
42
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,320
Yippie-ki-yay, motherf...
43
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:31,400
Oh, you wouldn't get it.
44
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,360
[laughing]
Here's Dick and Dick...
45
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:35,720
Well, that's a sheer compliment,
46
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,120
because they won two
children's BAFTAs.
47
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:39,240
What's this?
48
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,680
Taking a photo of
you two butt nuggets
49
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:41,920
leaving the ladies'.
50
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,480
I'm twit-picking that shit.
51
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,560
-Don't be a dick.
-Chill out, Flippers.
52
00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:47,640
Someone's been reading
Pickwell's graffiti, I see.
53
00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:49,440
That's my graffiti, innit?
54
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,600
Covering for her.
I'm surprised.
55
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,880
You're many things, Grayson,
56
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,560
but I didn't think
you could be bought.
57
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:56,560
-Oh, shut up, Jumper.
-"Jumper"?
58
00:02:56,560 --> 00:03:00,280
Yeah, you're wearing a jumper,
and jumpers are bent, mate.
59
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:04,400
This is not bent.
This is Dries van Noten.
60
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:08,120
Marvin from JLS rocked one of
these bad boys on The One Show.
61
00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:09,520
[laughing]
62
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,680
Look, just delete the photo.
63
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,600
Shut up, Chicken Dipper.
64
00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:16,240
-Please.
-And what if I don't?
65
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:21,000
Then I will tell on you
66
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,360
to a more senior
member of the staff.
67
00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:25,600
[laughing]
68
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,840
You is brass, bro.
69
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,000
Oh, thank you.
70
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:34,320
Tell you what, I'll delete
the photo if you do me a favor.
71
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,440
OK, but I'm not
getting involved
72
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,200
in any of your gang nonsense.
73
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,800
I've seen Kidulthood, I'm not
killing anyone with a bat.
74
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:48,200
[upbeat pop music]
75
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:55,160
-Change.
-But it was my money.
76
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,440
And the rest.
77
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:03,560
Prick.
78
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:09,760
That went well.
79
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:11,880
[speaking French]
80
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,600
[mumbling]
81
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:16,800
Brie?
82
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,240
Um, look,
about the French exchange,
83
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:20,880
uh, please don't send Joe.
84
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,720
He really doesn't wanna go.
He hates France.
85
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,720
I was thinking maybe you
could send a Francophile.
86
00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:28,600
Why would we send
a PE teacher?
87
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:32,200
No, someone who loves France.
88
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:35,400
Skin?
89
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:36,240
Hanging!
90
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:37,880
Why are there all
these parents here?
91
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,200
What's with all the questions?
92
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,640
Am I on Mastermind?
93
00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:44,800
If I am, chosen specialist
subject, classical banter,
94
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,800
6th of the 9th
‘73 to present day.
95
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,680
-What's going on?
-I've started, I'll finish.
96
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,400
The MILF brigade are
in a bit of a tizz
97
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,720
about the impending "arrivay"
of the French exchange.
98
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:58,360
After last year's little
debacle, this year,
99
00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:01,200
the parents don't want
their kids getting pregnant.
100
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,600
Frigid!
101
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,320
So to quash any
menopausal mayhem,
102
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,640
you have done the assembly
on PSHE, haven't you?
103
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:09,880
Yeah.
104
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,480
Well, I mean, I haven't.
105
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:12,800
I let Steven do it
'cause, you know,
106
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,760
-he's into drama and stuff.
-Oh, yeah.
107
00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:18,760
Uh, he's doing a presentation
on gender equality.
108
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:19,960
[chuckles]
109
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,440
Ready?
110
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,440
I've double dropped.
111
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:31,520
[pop music plays]
112
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:41,800
[applause and cheering]
113
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,680
Not a fan of R&B.
114
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:24,000
[upbeat rap]
115
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,160
-Right, those aren't
normally allowed.
-It's shocking.
116
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,560
I'll have her out
of those in no time.
117
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,600
OK, that didn't come out right.
118
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,680
[woman in background indistinct]
119
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,600
-What?
-Fraser is so out of his depth.
120
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,440
We were talking
about teen sexuality,
121
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,320
and I was telling him
about my experiences
122
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:49,480
at a young age with other girls,
123
00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:55,240
and he just made this
grunt noise and tensed up
124
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,440
and he ran to the toilet.
125
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:58,680
Sad, really.
126
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:01,960
Yeah, 'cause I'm,
like, so cool with that.
127
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,960
You know... You...
128
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,760
...other girls, making out.
129
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,480
[chuckling]
130
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,600
'Cause what I mean is,
like, we've all done that.
131
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,160
We've all been there.
132
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:18,760
Like, I had a thing
when I was, like, 13.
133
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,520
I was having a sleepover
134
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:27,000
and I was top and tailing
with Atticus Hoye,
and I was at half-mast.
135
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,680
Maybe even two-thirds.
136
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,280
No, but, you see,
I think my point is,
137
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,160
I think Fraser might have
a more personal problem.
138
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,720
Ah, lives in Darby now,
old Atticus.
139
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,480
Added me on Facebook
the other day.
140
00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:46,400
Let's just say I would not
get a semi anymore.
141
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,360
-Should you go and help Fraser?
-Yup.
142
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,000
This is going
straight onto Mumsnet.
143
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,480
Sod, Mumsnet.
144
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,840
OK, last year, Jean-Claude
caused a bit of a stir.
145
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,440
-Disgusting beast.
-Chill, Winston.
146
00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,480
You've let this place
become a den of iniquity.
147
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:01,440
Look at this.
Don't you think girls
have enough pressure
148
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,800
without this kind of thing?
149
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:04,560
Oh, we don't discriminate.
150
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,960
We love the Dove
adverty ones enter.
151
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,400
-Fat Alice did it last year.
-That is outrageous.
152
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,640
Exactly, that's why I voted
her off in the first round.
153
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:15,440
-"Fat Alice" is my daughter.
-Hasn't she got nice eyes?
154
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:19,240
A lovely girl.
Bubbly Alice.
155
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,880
And it's gonna be worse when
the exchange students arrive.
156
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:25,440
I don't want some predator
in a beret groping my daughter.
157
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,760
Mrs. Lithgow, if it's
any consolation, I think
158
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:31,800
Twinkly-Eyed Alice will be
very low down on their list.
159
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,680
Nope, that appears
to have made it worse.
160
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,840
Look, you're all
squabbling over
161
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:42,720
what is the most beautiful
part in bringing up a child.
162
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:45,240
We have to work together
to help our kids
163
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,560
embrace the changes that are
164
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,400
going on inside their bodies.
165
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,760
-[coughing] Bullshit.
-Finally, some sense.
166
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,240
I think it's really important
that we make a stand--
167
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:55,680
Yoo, my turn.
168
00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:59,440
Um, just wanted to throw
this one out there.
169
00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:04,800
If any of the staff or, indeed,
mums, are under the age of 40,
170
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:06,840
unless they're proper fit,
171
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:14,200
want to come and draw on my
wealth of sexual knowledge,
172
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,400
you know where my door is.
173
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,800
How can I trust this
moron with teaching
174
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:21,360
my children something as
important as sex education?
175
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,640
I can assure you,
we are more than qualified
to deal with this.
176
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:27,320
Perhaps some of the parents
might like to sit in on a class.
177
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:30,920
Mr. Wickers, you'd be happy
with that, wouldn't you?
178
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:34,360
-Um...
-Alfie?
179
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,360
Yeah, yeah, sure,
fine, yeah, cool.
180
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,880
Share the knowledge.
Feel the force.
181
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:44,560
I'm like a sex Yoda.
182
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:47,960
[Yoda voice]
Many times done it I have.
183
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,160
[laughing]
Top-notch Jedi banter.
184
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,240
Well, that's settled, then.
185
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:56,160
What say you meet us
all back here at 2:30,
186
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,880
and I can promise by the time
187
00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:59,960
that minibus
arrives from France,
188
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,360
all your little Casanovas
189
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,200
will know their pinks
from their browns, OK?
190
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:10,440
[upbeat rock music]
191
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:16,520
You need to be aware of
all the major sexual organs.
192
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:18,720
Yeah.
193
00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:21,160
Labia. Vulva.
194
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,680
Vagina.
195
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:29,800
So we're all good
talking about the...
196
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:30,800
Anus.
197
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,320
I thought we could
watch a home video
198
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:36,520
my husband and I made
on our honeymoon.
199
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,760
It's on the Internet somewhere.
200
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,840
Acts 15:20.
201
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:43,800
"And Moses did write to them,
202
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:47,200
telling them to abstain
from sexual immorality
203
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:50,400
and from the meat of
strangled animals."
204
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,640
That's funny, miss.
Bet you'd like to strangle
the meat of your animal.
205
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,560
Shut up, Grayson.
206
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:58,320
[Mrs. Mollinson]
And in he goes, back and forth,
back and forth.
207
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,320
[man mumbling]
208
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:07,160
Sex was invented
by the Romans.
209
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:11,600
Pornography will give
you a totally distorted
impression of the female body.
210
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,880
Those aren't real women.
211
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,760
This is.
212
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,360
It's... a fanny.
213
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:25,560
I give up,
I don't know how to do it.
214
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:26,800
[Mitchell] Well, sir,
what about you just draw
215
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,280
a frog's dick on the board
216
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:30,160
so Joe knows what he's gonna be
sucking on next week?
217
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,600
You're an idiot.
218
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:35,680
Look, Joe, you never know,
you might enjoy it.
219
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:37,800
I'd rather shit
in my hand and clap.
220
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,600
Sir, why is it only me
that has to go
221
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,160
to a French farm to stay
with a bunch of freaks?
222
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,200
Not all farmers are freaks.
223
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:48,240
Alex James. He's in Blur.
224
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,680
But they sent me some
cheese through the post.
225
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:53,120
There you are, that's lovely.
226
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,920
Probably made from the
farmer's wife's tit milk.
227
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:57,640
-Don't be stupid.
-They do that,
I read it in Nuts.
228
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,240
-What?
-Yeah, and you're gonna
have to wank off a cow.
229
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,480
Why on earth would
he have to do that?
230
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,520
To get milk, you pagan.
231
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,320
You genuinely think that's
where milk comes from?
232
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,400
Look, France isn't that bad.
233
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,800
They've got loads of cool stuff.
234
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:16,680
Like skiing and... Poirot.
235
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,520
[in Chinese]
He's Belgian, you moron.
236
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,560
Poirot, Jing, he was
a fictional detective
237
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:23,800
created by
Agatha Christie, you know,
238
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,800
Murder on the Orient Express.
239
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,280
Don't worry,
they murder an American.
240
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,160
Not one of yours.
241
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,920
I can't believe you've
actually read a book.
242
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,440
Book?
243
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,720
I watched the TV shows.
244
00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:41,960
OK, let's do this, and remember,
it's all anonymous,
245
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,840
so you have nothing
to worry about.
246
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,000
"Should I stop strangling
when their lips go blue?"
247
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,480
Right, I'm not even
going to dignify that
with a response, Mitchell.
248
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,920
Sir!
249
00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:57,760
"Will any of the French
exchange boys be on Grindr?"
250
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:01,280
-Steven, I have no idea.
-Lucky dip, then.
251
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,760
Is it too much to ask
to have a serious one?
252
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,240
"He's 23, I'm 15.
253
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:08,440
"What will it feel like?"
254
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,960
Illegal, Chantelle.
255
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:17,120
[upbeat pop music]
256
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:22,800
Oh.
257
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,240
I have just had...
258
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,720
the most amazing...
259
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,240
sex ed class.
260
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:34,320
It was so honest.
261
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,680
We had this big discussion
about losing your virginity,
262
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:40,320
and Jason Stevens admitted
he was still a virgin.
263
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,320
[laughing]
264
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,600
-That's good.
-It wasn't a joke, Alfie.
265
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,800
It was heartfelt and moving.
266
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,960
-What was that book?
-Ah, just--
267
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,160
Oh, I know this one, it's
very helpful with the basics.
268
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,000
Yeah, I mean,
I didn't really need it.
269
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,600
It was just, in class earlier,
270
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,400
I sort of messed up
a diagram of a penis.
271
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,840
I mean, my one of
the woman's, um...
272
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,160
Vagina?
273
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:05,400
Yeah, vajuja,
I mean that was good
274
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,400
'cause I've obviously
seen many of them
275
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,280
in my time,
so I got all the bits right
276
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:16,520
and the tubes
and the eggs...
277
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:20,760
and um... the... lid.
278
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,200
The lid?
Do you mean the labia?
279
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:26,880
Yes.
Yeah, the lab, la, labia.
280
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:28,600
-Labia, yeah.
-That's what it's called.
281
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:31,200
Well, look, if you're
teaching the phallus,
282
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,120
then it's very important
you know your own.
283
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,960
How can you expect your class
to understand their bodies
284
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,240
if you don't understand yours?
285
00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:40,840
You don't need this.
Just study your own.
286
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:42,320
Get to know it.
287
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:46,200
What, I mean,
shall I trace it?
288
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,000
Examine it.
Don't be afraid of it.
289
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,360
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
290
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,360
I don't need this,
this shitty book.
291
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,840
There's all my answers.
292
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,280
Yeah, darn this shitty book.
293
00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,280
[yelling]
294
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:00,400
Oh, you hit someone, Alfie.
295
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,880
Oh!
296
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,600
Fraser, what are you...
What are you doing?
297
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,840
Oh, just, uh,
just Peter crouching.
298
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,520
You know, squat thrusts.
299
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,520
Oh... Just a standard
library gym sesh,
300
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,280
working on the old bibliopecs.
301
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,240
How are the old pump
and grind classes going?
302
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:16,920
Yeah, yeah, I was
just telling Alfie.
303
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:20,800
I mean, this is the stuff
that reminds me why I teach.
304
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:21,400
Don't you think it's amazing
305
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,760
that we can inspire
such honesty sexually?
306
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,880
Here's that book
you asked for.
307
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:30,240
Ooh, no, that's not for me.
308
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:34,400
It is, you specifically
made me buy it from Amazon.
309
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:38,640
Oh, fine. Very chatty
for a librarian, aren't you?
310
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,160
It's for my class.
311
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:47,880
So I'll go
and read it to them now.
312
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,560
Now? Classes don't start
for half an hour.
313
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:53,680
Oh, whoops.
Jumped the gun again.
314
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,560
Not "again."
315
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,520
[dance music]
316
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,560
OK, I need to
inspire some honesty,
317
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,320
so I'm gonna need one of
you to lie about being gay.
318
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,800
Thought it'd make my
sex ed class look so pro.
319
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,800
You know, you come out
then I'll counsel you,
320
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:14,960
like the bald guy they
bring out on Jeremy Kyle.
321
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,600
I'll go gay, sir,
but only if you watch.
322
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,760
And from now on, comments
like that will be banned.
323
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,800
Sir, after a good
deal of soul searching
324
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,640
and a powerful journey
of self-discovery,
325
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:28,800
I've come to the
conclusion that I am gay.
326
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:29,680
Ah, that's lovely, Steven,
327
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:32,560
but what we need
here is a surprise.
328
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,400
Joe.
329
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:36,400
No.
330
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:37,960
-No, no, no, no, no.
-Look--
331
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,320
Now, don't overreact.
332
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:40,840
[inhales]
No.
333
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,320
Just calm down.
334
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:43,600
No, I'm not doing it.
335
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,320
Please, all I'm
asking you to do
336
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:46,760
is be gay for a day.
337
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,440
You just stand up in the
middle of the class and say,
338
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,400
"Mr. Wickers,
I'm out and proud."
339
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:52,280
Alfie, please don't do this.
340
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,280
Look, we all
go through phases.
341
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:58,120
This one time,
me and Atticus Hoye
were apple-bobbing
342
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,120
at Patrick Marsh's barn dance,
343
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:04,400
and let's just say
our hands did not remain
behind our backs.
344
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,560
I really, really
don't wanna do this.
345
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,400
Please.
346
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:12,320
I know, I'll get you
out of going to France.
347
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,200
You promise?
348
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,440
Have I ever let you down?
349
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:21,520
[in Chinese] Even for you,
this is really irresponsible.
350
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:22,760
Oh, that's very sweet of you
351
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,400
to offer to come
out as well, Ying,
352
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:25,880
but, as they say in China,
353
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,560
one child will do.
354
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:28,960
[groans]
355
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,680
That sounds like
the French exchange.
356
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,120
Oh, they're gonna be fit!
357
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,120
[speaking indistinct]
358
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,680
Where're this lot
from in France anyway?
359
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:39,920
From the town of Hoogeveen.
360
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,480
Hoogeveen?
That sounds German.
361
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,320
Are you sure it's
in France, Fraser?
362
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,360
Yes, from the French
province of Drenthe.
363
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,880
Um...
Hoogeveen is in Holland.
364
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:55,800
For God's sakes, man,
you teach geography.
365
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,840
I don't know, I mean,
who's ever been to Holland?
366
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,160
I used to work in Amsterdam.
367
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,200
Well, they're Dutch.
It's fine.
368
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:06,560
They're not obsessed with sex.
369
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:11,240
I mean, look, no one's
gonna be hopping on that.
370
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:18,400
[sensual rock music]
371
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,480
Oh, my God.
372
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:31,640
Get that boy to
the wheelie bins now!
373
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:34,760
Shut up, you slag, he's well
bent. Isn't he, Steven?
374
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,160
Well, if he isn't,
I'll bend him.
375
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,280
Oh, waffles.
376
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,840
Shoot in the hole.
Into me.
377
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,280
[grunts]
378
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:53,560
Whoa, you just denied this
quarterback a three-pointer.
379
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,560
Fraser, Joe can't
go to Hoogeveen.
380
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,520
New balls, please.
381
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,880
Email from Mr. Smith
382
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,880
asking me to stop
referring to him
383
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:05,400
as a "brother from
another mother."
384
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:09,480
He shoots and,
whoo, a touchdown.
385
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:13,000
Fraser, did you listen to me?
Joe can't go.
386
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,200
-Why?
-[exhales] Look.
387
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,120
He has been having
some words with me
388
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:23,840
in private about a couple
of issues that he's having
389
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:27,840
regarding his sexuality.
390
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:29,640
Why would that mean
he can't go to Holland?
391
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:33,200
Fraser, Holland.
392
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:37,840
A young chap like that,
vulnerable, unsure of himself,
393
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:41,640
wandering around the Red
Light District of Amsterdam,
394
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,240
high on marijuana?
395
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:46,000
They'd pass his bottom
round like a joint.
396
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,680
Ooh, formal warning
from the governess
397
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:52,760
regarding my conduct
towards a black parent.
398
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:54,840
♪ Do do do do ♪
399
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,760
♪ Do do do do ♪
400
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,360
♪ Do do do do ♪
401
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,400
♪ Do do do do ♪
402
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,600
[grunting]
403
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,640
Home run!
404
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,680
[imitating trumpet]
405
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:07,960
Actually, can you just
pick that one out?
406
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:12,480
I should probably give it a read
before the hearing.
407
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,240
So are we agreed?
408
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:17,640
Joe's not going.
409
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,800
[sighs]
Well, if he's having issues,
410
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,440
we can't send him abroad.
411
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,800
I'll just ring around
for another pupil.
412
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,560
Oh... before you do that,
413
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,320
one of Miss Pickwell's class
414
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,160
has expressed a real
415
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,560
affinity with the culture.
416
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,280
Get in the locker!
417
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,640
Hello, Francis.
418
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:43,400
Well, if it ain't
Dries van Noten.
419
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:47,000
Ooh, speaking a little Dutch.
That'll come in handy.
420
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,960
You been sniffing Pritt Stick
again, you dick rash?
421
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:54,320
No, because I found out
that it's solvent free.
422
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,520
Fraser has just been on
the phone to your parents.
423
00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,960
Turns out there was
a last-minute dropout
424
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,400
on the Dutch exchange,
425
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:05,560
and we all decided
that you could go instead.
426
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,320
You're gonna love it on
the farm in Hoogeveen.
427
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:12,000
The 5:00am start,
the smell of manure,
428
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:16,440
the vigorous milking,
and that's just Mrs. Vorhoeven.
429
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:22,840
As they say in Holland,
"auf weidersehn."
430
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:26,720
[sensual rock music]
431
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,680
Welcome,
Wilkommen. Bienvenue.
432
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,800
-Don't block the camera.
-Camera, are you filming this?
433
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,400
Yeah, I'm streaming
it on Mumsnet.
434
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:43,600
Thank you very much for that.
435
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,360
Now, I'm glad you
could all make it
436
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:47,440
to one of our live sex shows.
437
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,840
Sorry, live classes on sex.
438
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,560
Sex ed class.
439
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,000
It's not a live sex show.
440
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,680
Now, I know you're all
a little bit worried
441
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,800
about your kids mingling
with the French students
442
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,880
and their dubious
sexual outlook.
443
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,000
Fear not, because luckily,
444
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,440
ah, our students are,
in fact, Dutch.
445
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,680
So, enough tickle,
a bit more tackle,
446
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:17,560
funk you very much.
447
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,440
Settle down,
brothers and sisters.
448
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:23,760
It's time to share.
449
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:27,800
Where have I been?
Good question.
450
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:32,240
Well, I've been sat in a room
getting to know my penis.
451
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:39,240
And you know what?
452
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:43,440
He's a pretty great guy,
'cause Miss G.'s right.
453
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:47,000
How can you lot
understand your penises
454
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,520
if you don't get to
know my penis first?
455
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,360
That's out of context.
456
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:57,440
You don't need books
or libraries.
457
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:02,800
All of the answers are in here,
the pant library.
458
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:06,000
So... next chapter.
459
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,800
Sex.
460
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:13,320
I thought you guys
should share.
461
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:19,800
Is there anything anyone wants
to share with the group?
462
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:20,600
Joe, maybe?
463
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,720
Something that you
might like to tell us,
464
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,200
some honesty that
I have inspired?
465
00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,560
Nope.
466
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:30,440
For me, it's all about
making everyone happy.
467
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,200
It's just our bodies,
guys, let's have fun.
468
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:35,840
Wait, I'm sorry,
we're not talking about
"fun" and "happiness,"
469
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,200
Hoogeveen.
470
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,400
We're talking about sex, yeah?
471
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:41,120
But if you're not mature enough
472
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:42,840
to share with the
group, that's fine.
473
00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:44,760
Hey, I'm mature enough.
You want me to share?
474
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:46,760
OK, well, I like to
strum the clitoris.
475
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,680
-Oh...
-Don't say that!
476
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,240
-What's the clitoris?
-Oh, it's--
477
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:51,440
It's nothing, it's nothing.
478
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,200
It doesn't even exist,
it's a myth.
479
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,720
Wait, you're saying
the clitoris is a myth?
480
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:56,120
What is a glittorish?
481
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:57,920
-Chantelle'll show you.
-Yeah, all right.
482
00:23:57,920 --> 00:23:59,440
No, Chantelle, please
keep your clothes on.
483
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,640
Hey, brother, why don't
you share your experiences?
484
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:05,320
Um, does anyone
wanna help me out? Joe?
485
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,280
-What is a glittorish?
-And what's a MILF?
486
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,400
-Right, not helping.
-Your mum's a MILF.
487
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:11,600
-She is not.
-A MILF, my friend, I believe,
488
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,520
-is a mother I'd like to--
-Fondle, fondle.
489
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,800
A mother I would like to fondle.
490
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,360
Joe, are you sure there's
nothing you wanna tell us?
491
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:18,600
-No.
-[sniffing]
492
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,160
What's that I can smell?
Is it cheese?
493
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,240
It's almost like
we're on a farm.
494
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,400
-I'm gay.
-Sorry, I didn't hear it.
495
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:29,800
You'll have to be a
little bit louder.
496
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:30,440
I'm gay.
497
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:33,360
-Gay! Yup, how honest.
-[laughing]
498
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:37,120
-Well done, Joe.
-That's great, man.
499
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:39,400
Mitchell, you owe us a fiver.
I told you he was gay.
500
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:40,800
I'm not actually gay.
501
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,320
No, no,
he definitely is a gay.
502
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:45,400
Well, are you gay or not?
503
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,800
Alfie made me be gay for him.
504
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,320
-Uh, right, I didn't.
-No, you did.
505
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:53,200
You said if I didn't
go gay for you
506
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:54,880
you'd send me to Holland
to live on a farm.
507
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,880
He's making this sound a lot
worse than it actually was.
508
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:58,440
Yeah, look, Grayson
sent me a photo
509
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:00,120
of them coming out of the
ladies' toilet together.
510
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:02,720
-[laughter]
-Shit! I bought him cider!
511
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:04,720
-That's not good.
-Mumsnet has just crashed.
512
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:06,400
-That is good.
-If you like sex so much,
513
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:07,680
what's your favorite position?
514
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,240
-All of them.
-Shall we change the subject?
515
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,960
-What foreplay do you do?
-All of the main ones.
516
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:13,760
-When was the last time
you had sex?
-On... on holiday.
517
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:15,000
Who was she?
518
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:16,160
It was a long time ago,
I can't remember.
519
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:17,680
-Please--
-What was her name, sir?
520
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,400
-She didn't have one.
-Did she have boobs, sir?
521
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:20,520
I don't know.
522
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:21,600
Was it a man?
What was his name?
523
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:23,320
[all talking at once]
524
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:24,520
Is it on YouPorn?
525
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:25,840
-Um...
-[all talking over each other]
526
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:28,280
[Alfie] Stop asking
so many questions!
527
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:29,560
Come on, man,
share with the group.
528
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:32,360
Leave me alone, Hoogeveen.
529
00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:34,560
I haven't.
530
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:36,640
[muffled chuckles]
531
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,120
All right?
532
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:42,000
I haven't ever
slept with anyone.
533
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,200
I had a girlfriend
for a long time.
534
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,400
She wanted to save herself.
535
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:51,520
It just didn't happen.
536
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,160
What is a glittorish?
537
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,000
I don't know what
kind of weird, sick,
538
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,480
pedophile kind of
teachers you employ here,
539
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:03,840
but they are not right here.
540
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:05,240
They're not right with children.
541
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:07,160
OK, Mrs. Lithgow, chill
your boobs, chill your hips,
542
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,960
chill your lips,
chill your... just chill.
Just chill.
543
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,640
To be honest, I think we
got off on the wrong foot.
544
00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:14,400
Alice, have you
ever seen her dance?
545
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:16,240
She is like two Wayne Sleeps.
546
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:17,680
I don't mean in size.
547
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:19,280
She's a very, very dainty girl.
548
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:22,440
Alice has an inherited
glandular disorder,
549
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:24,320
not "fat" as you called her.
550
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,760
That's "phat" with a P-H.
551
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:28,640
-Alfie.
-What?
552
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:30,320
About the class. Um...
553
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,920
Look, I don't wanna
talk about it, all right?
554
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,480
Well, I just wanted to
say that I was really,
555
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,120
really impressed.
556
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:38,680
You did exactly what I said.
557
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,920
You helped them understand
it's OK not to rush things
558
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,120
by being honest about yourself.
559
00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:48,760
-Really?
-Yes, Alfie, really.
560
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:51,880
See you tomorrow.
561
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,880
-Now, Alfbug.
-Why are you calling me that?
562
00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,240
Subo, Never Been Kissed.
563
00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:58,640
Never call me that again.
564
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,800
So Mumsnet's back online,
and it is not good.
565
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,200
There is what can
only be described
566
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,560
as an angry hate mob
demanding I sack you,
567
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,240
but luckily I've hit
on a way of you taking
568
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:08,920
a brief sabbatical.
569
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:10,280
You know what they say,
570
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:14,160
out of sight, out of murderous,
angry minds.
571
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,400
Right?
572
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:22,720
Did you know Hoogeveen has one
of Holland's oldest peat farms?
573
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:24,840
What?
574
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:29,680
[chuckling]
575
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,520
-Virgins say what?
-What?
576
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:36,640
[laughing]
577
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:44,320
[Grayson] This is
going to be the longest
578
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:47,320
coach journey of your life.
579
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:50,360
[laughing]