Come on, Alfie, or we're gonna get caught.
Actually, if I get caught,
does that mean I don't have to go on a French exchange?
Just shut up and keep guard, all right?
I can't hurry art, and this is my Sistine Chapel.
Why are you doing this?
Uh, revenge. You've seen the gents'.
The slander all over the walls,
that has got Pickwell's name written all over it.
It's got your name written all over it.
She is the only person in this school
that hates me enough to write these mean things.
What, about your weird feet?
They're not weird. They're just... flat...
and slightly webbed.
Is that why you have to wear the special shoes?
You lot are just jealous because I'm evolving quicker.
When the ice caps melt, I will be swimming to safety
like Kevin Costner in Waterworld.
-What's Waterworld? -What's Waterworld?
You haven't seen Waterworld? Oh, Jesus.
Give me that, you little tart.
Right, off you go.
Leave.
[Joe] She's coming!
Shit, hide.
-There's no way out! -The ventilation shaft.
-How? -Haven't you seen Die Hard?
-It's an 18. -What?
First Waterworld, now this.
What do they teach you people?
I told you she had a wang.
[thud]
Everything all right in there?
-Do a noise. -Like what?
A girl having a crap.
[grunting]
[high-pitched grunting]
[imitates plopping sound]
Pathetic.
[upbeat music]
Yippie-ki-yay, motherf...
Oh, you wouldn't get it.
[laughing] Here's Dick and Dick...
Well, that's a sheer compliment,
because they won two children's BAFTAs.
What's this?
Taking a photo of you two butt nuggets
leaving the ladies'.
I'm twit-picking that shit.
-Don't be a dick. -Chill out, Flippers.
Someone's been reading Pickwell's graffiti, I see.
That's my graffiti, innit?
Covering for her. I'm surprised.
You're many things, Grayson,
but I didn't think you could be bought.
-Oh, shut up, Jumper. -"Jumper"?
Yeah, you're wearing a jumper, and jumpers are bent, mate.
This is not bent. This is Dries van Noten.
Marvin from JLS rocked one of these bad boys on The One Show.
[laughing]
Look, just delete the photo.
Shut up, Chicken Dipper.
-Please. -And what if I don't?
Then I will tell on you
to a more senior member of the staff.
[laughing]
You is brass, bro.
Oh, thank you.
Tell you what, I'll delete the photo if you do me a favor.
OK, but I'm not getting involved
in any of your gang nonsense.
I've seen Kidulthood, I'm not killing anyone with a bat.
[upbeat pop music]
-Change. -But it was my money.
And the rest.
Prick.
That went well.
[speaking French]
[mumbling]
Brie?
Um, look, about the French exchange,
uh, please don't send Joe.
He really doesn't wanna go. He hates France.
I was thinking maybe you could send a Francophile.
Why would we send a PE teacher?
No, someone who loves France.
Skin?
Hanging!
Why are there all these parents here?
What's with all the questions?
Am I on Mastermind?
If I am, chosen specialist subject, classical banter,
6th of the 9th ‘73 to present day.
-What's going on? -I've started, I'll finish.
The MILF brigade are in a bit of a tizz
about the impending "arrivay" of the French exchange.
After last year's little debacle, this year,
the parents don't want their kids getting pregnant.
Frigid!
So to quash any menopausal mayhem,
you have done the assembly on PSHE, haven't you?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I haven't.
I let Steven do it 'cause, you know,
-he's into drama and stuff. -Oh, yeah.
Uh, he's doing a presentation on gender equality.
[chuckles]
Ready?
I've double dropped.
[pop music plays]
[applause and cheering]
Not a fan of R&B.
[upbeat rap]
-Right, those aren't normally allowed. -It's shocking.
I'll have her out of those in no time.
OK, that didn't come out right.
[woman in background indistinct]
-What? -Fraser is so out of his depth.
We were talking about teen sexuality,
and I was telling him about my experiences
at a young age with other girls,
and he just made this grunt noise and tensed up
and he ran to the toilet.
Sad, really.
Yeah, 'cause I'm, like, so cool with that.
You know... You...
...other girls, making out.
[chuckling]
'Cause what I mean is, like, we've all done that.
We've all been there.
Like, I had a thing when I was, like, 13.
I was having a sleepover
and I was top and tailing with Atticus Hoye, and I was at half-mast.
Maybe even two-thirds.
No, but, you see, I think my point is,
I think Fraser might have a more personal problem.
Ah, lives in Darby now, old Atticus.
Added me on Facebook the other day.
Let's just say I would not get a semi anymore.
-Should you go and help Fraser? -Yup.
This is going straight onto Mumsnet.
Sod, Mumsnet.
OK, last year, Jean-Claude caused a bit of a stir.
-Disgusting beast. -Chill, Winston.
You've let this place become a den of iniquity.
Look at this. Don't you think girls have enough pressure
without this kind of thing?
Oh, we don't discriminate.
We love the Dove adverty ones enter.
-Fat Alice did it last year. -That is outrageous.
Exactly, that's why I voted her off in the first round.
-"Fat Alice" is my daughter. -Hasn't she got nice eyes?
A lovely girl. Bubbly Alice.
And it's gonna be worse when the exchange students arrive.
I don't want some predator in a beret groping my daughter.
Mrs. Lithgow, if it's any consolation, I think
Twinkly-Eyed Alice will be very low down on their list.
Nope, that appears to have made it worse.
Look, you're all squabbling over
what is the most beautiful part in bringing up a child.
We have to work together to help our kids
embrace the changes that are
going on inside their bodies.
-[coughing] Bullshit. -Finally, some sense.
I think it's really important that we make a stand--
Yoo, my turn.
Um, just wanted to throw this one out there.
If any of the staff or, indeed, mums, are under the age of 40,
unless they're proper fit,
want to come and draw on my wealth of sexual knowledge,
you know where my door is.
How can I trust this moron with teaching
my children something as important as sex education?
I can assure you, we are more than qualified to deal with this.
Perhaps some of the parents might like to sit in on a class.
Mr. Wickers, you'd be happy with that, wouldn't you?
-Um... -Alfie?
Yeah, yeah, sure, fine, yeah, cool.
Share the knowledge. Feel the force.
I'm like a sex Yoda.
[Yoda voice] Many times done it I have.
[laughing] Top-notch Jedi banter.
Well, that's settled, then.
What say you meet us all back here at 2:30,
and I can promise by the time
that minibus arrives from France,
all your little Casanovas
will know their pinks from their browns, OK?
[upbeat rock music]
You need to be aware of all the major sexual organs.
Yeah.
Labia. Vulva.
Vagina.
So we're all good talking about the...
Anus.
I thought we could watch a home video
my husband and I made on our honeymoon.
It's on the Internet somewhere.
Acts 15:20.
"And Moses did write to them,
telling them to abstain from sexual immorality
and from the meat of strangled animals."
That's funny, miss. Bet you'd like to strangle the meat of your animal.
Shut up, Grayson.
[Mrs. Mollinson] And in he goes, back and forth, back and forth.
[man mumbling]
Sex was invented by the Romans.
Pornography will give you a totally distorted impression of the female body.
Those aren't real women.
This is.
It's... a fanny.
I give up, I don't know how to do it.
[Mitchell] Well, sir, what about you just draw
a frog's dick on the board
so Joe knows what he's gonna be sucking on next week?
You're an idiot.
Look, Joe, you never know, you might enjoy it.
I'd rather shit in my hand and clap.
Sir, why is it only me that has to go
to a French farm to stay with a bunch of freaks?
Not all farmers are freaks.
Alex James. He's in Blur.
But they sent me some cheese through the post.
There you are, that's lovely.
Probably made from the farmer's wife's tit milk.
-Don't be stupid. -They do that, I read it in Nuts.
-What? -Yeah, and you're gonna have to wank off a cow.
Why on earth would he have to do that?
To get milk, you pagan.
You genuinely think that's where milk comes from?
Look, France isn't that bad.
They've got loads of cool stuff.
Like skiing and... Poirot.
[in Chinese] He's Belgian, you moron.
Poirot, Jing, he was a fictional detective
created by Agatha Christie, you know,
Murder on the Orient Express.
Don't worry, they murder an American.
Not one of yours.
I can't believe you've actually read a book.
Book?
I watched the TV shows.
OK, let's do this, and remember, it's all anonymous,
so you have nothing to worry about.
"Should I stop strangling when their lips go blue?"
Right, I'm not even going to dignify that with a response, Mitchell.
Sir!
"Will any of the French exchange boys be on Grindr?"
-Steven, I have no idea. -Lucky dip, then.
Is it too much to ask to have a serious one?
"He's 23, I'm 15.
"What will it feel like?"
Illegal, Chantelle.
[upbeat pop music]
Oh.
I have just had...
the most amazing...
sex ed class.
It was so honest.
We had this big discussion about losing your virginity,
and Jason Stevens admitted he was still a virgin.
[laughing]
-That's good. -It wasn't a joke, Alfie.
It was heartfelt and moving.
-What was that book? -Ah, just--
Oh, I know this one, it's very helpful with the basics.
Yeah, I mean, I didn't really need it.
It was just, in class earlier,
I sort of messed up a diagram of a penis.
I mean, my one of the woman's, um...
Vagina?
Yeah, vajuja, I mean that was good
'cause I've obviously seen many of them
in my time, so I got all the bits right
and the tubes and the eggs...
and um... the... lid.
The lid? Do you mean the labia?
Yes. Yeah, the lab, la, labia.
-Labia, yeah. -That's what it's called.
Well, look, if you're teaching the phallus,
then it's very important you know your own.
How can you expect your class to understand their bodies
if you don't understand yours?
You don't need this. Just study your own.
Get to know it.
What, I mean, shall I trace it?
Examine it. Don't be afraid of it.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
I don't need this, this shitty book.
There's all my answers.
Yeah, darn this shitty book.
[yelling]
Oh, you hit someone, Alfie.
Oh!
Fraser, what are you... What are you doing?
Oh, just, uh, just Peter crouching.
You know, squat thrusts.
Oh... Just a standard library gym sesh,
working on the old bibliopecs.
How are the old pump and grind classes going?
Yeah, yeah, I was just telling Alfie.
I mean, this is the stuff that reminds me why I teach.
Don't you think it's amazing
that we can inspire such honesty sexually?
Here's that book you asked for.
Ooh, no, that's not for me.
It is, you specifically made me buy it from Amazon.
Oh, fine. Very chatty for a librarian, aren't you?
It's for my class.
So I'll go and read it to them now.
Now? Classes don't start for half an hour.
Oh, whoops. Jumped the gun again.
Not "again."
[dance music]
OK, I need to inspire some honesty,
so I'm gonna need one of you to lie about being gay.
Thought it'd make my sex ed class look so pro.
You know, you come out then I'll counsel you,
like the bald guy they bring out on Jeremy Kyle.
I'll go gay, sir, but only if you watch.
And from now on, comments like that will be banned.
Sir, after a good deal of soul searching
and a powerful journey of self-discovery,
I've come to the conclusion that I am gay.
Ah, that's lovely, Steven,
but what we need here is a surprise.
Joe.
No.
-No, no, no, no, no. -Look--
Now, don't overreact.
[inhales] No.
Just calm down.
No, I'm not doing it.
Please, all I'm asking you to do
is be gay for a day.
You just stand up in the middle of the class and say,
"Mr. Wickers, I'm out and proud."
Alfie, please don't do this.
Look, we all go through phases.
This one time, me and Atticus Hoye were apple-bobbing
at Patrick Marsh's barn dance,
and let's just say our hands did not remain behind our backs.
I really, really don't wanna do this.
Please.
I know, I'll get you out of going to France.
You promise?
Have I ever let you down?
[in Chinese] Even for you, this is really irresponsible.
Oh, that's very sweet of you
to offer to come out as well, Ying,
but, as they say in China,
one child will do.
[groans]
That sounds like the French exchange.
Oh, they're gonna be fit!
[speaking indistinct]
Where're this lot from in France anyway?
From the town of Hoogeveen.
Hoogeveen? That sounds German.
Are you sure it's in France, Fraser?
Yes, from the French province of Drenthe.
Um... Hoogeveen is in Holland.
For God's sakes, man, you teach geography.
I don't know, I mean, who's ever been to Holland?
I used to work in Amsterdam.
Well, they're Dutch. It's fine.
They're not obsessed with sex.
I mean, look, no one's gonna be hopping on that.
[sensual rock music]
Oh, my God.
Get that boy to the wheelie bins now!
Shut up, you slag, he's well bent. Isn't he, Steven?
Well, if he isn't, I'll bend him.
Oh, waffles.
Shoot in the hole. Into me.
[grunts]
Whoa, you just denied this quarterback a three-pointer.
Fraser, Joe can't go to Hoogeveen.
New balls, please.
Email from Mr. Smith
asking me to stop referring to him
as a "brother from another mother."
He shoots and, whoo, a touchdown.
Fraser, did you listen to me? Joe can't go.
-Why? -[exhales] Look.
He has been having some words with me
in private about a couple of issues that he's having
regarding his sexuality.
Why would that mean he can't go to Holland?
Fraser, Holland.
A young chap like that, vulnerable, unsure of himself,
wandering around the Red Light District of Amsterdam,
high on marijuana?
They'd pass his bottom round like a joint.
Ooh, formal warning from the governess
regarding my conduct towards a black parent.
♪ Do do do do ♪
[grunting]
Home run!
[imitating trumpet]
Actually, can you just pick that one out?
I should probably give it a read before the hearing.
So are we agreed?
Joe's not going.
[sighs] Well, if he's having issues,
we can't send him abroad.
I'll just ring around for another pupil.
Oh... before you do that,
one of Miss Pickwell's class
has expressed a real
affinity with the culture.
Get in the locker!
Hello, Francis.
Well, if it ain't Dries van Noten.
Ooh, speaking a little Dutch. That'll come in handy.
You been sniffing Pritt Stick again, you dick rash?
No, because I found out that it's solvent free.
Fraser has just been on the phone to your parents.
Turns out there was a last-minute dropout
on the Dutch exchange,
and we all decided that you could go instead.
You're gonna love it on the farm in Hoogeveen.
The 5:00am start, the smell of manure,
the vigorous milking, and that's just Mrs. Vorhoeven.
As they say in Holland, "auf weidersehn."
[sensual rock music]
Welcome, Wilkommen. Bienvenue.
-Don't block the camera. -Camera, are you filming this?
Yeah, I'm streaming it on Mumsnet.
Thank you very much for that.
Now, I'm glad you could all make it
to one of our live sex shows.
Sorry, live classes on sex.
Sex ed class.
It's not a live sex show.
Now, I know you're all a little bit worried
about your kids mingling with the French students
and their dubious sexual outlook.
Fear not, because luckily,
ah, our students are, in fact, Dutch.
So, enough tickle, a bit more tackle,
funk you very much.
Settle down, brothers and sisters.
It's time to share.
Where have I been? Good question.
Well, I've been sat in a room getting to know my penis.
And you know what?
He's a pretty great guy, 'cause Miss G.'s right.
How can you lot understand your penises
if you don't get to know my penis first?
That's out of context.
You don't need books or libraries.
All of the answers are in here, the pant library.
So... next chapter.
Sex.
I thought you guys should share.
Is there anything anyone wants to share with the group?
Joe, maybe?
Something that you might like to tell us,
some honesty that I have inspired?
Nope.
For me, it's all about making everyone happy.
It's just our bodies, guys, let's have fun.
Wait, I'm sorry, we're not talking about "fun" and "happiness,"
Hoogeveen.
We're talking about sex, yeah?
But if you're not mature enough
to share with the group, that's fine.
Hey, I'm mature enough. You want me to share?
OK, well, I like to strum the clitoris.
-Oh... -Don't say that!
-What's the clitoris? -Oh, it's--
It's nothing, it's nothing.
It doesn't even exist, it's a myth.
Wait, you're saying the clitoris is a myth?
What is a glittorish?
-Chantelle'll show you. -Yeah, all right.
No, Chantelle, please keep your clothes on.
Hey, brother, why don't you share your experiences?
Um, does anyone wanna help me out? Joe?
-What is a glittorish? -And what's a MILF?
-Right, not helping. -Your mum's a MILF.
-She is not. -A MILF, my friend, I believe,
-is a mother I'd like to-- -Fondle, fondle.
A mother I would like to fondle.
Joe, are you sure there's nothing you wanna tell us?
-No. -[sniffing]
What's that I can smell? Is it cheese?
It's almost like we're on a farm.
-I'm gay. -Sorry, I didn't hear it.
You'll have to be a little bit louder.
I'm gay.
-Gay! Yup, how honest. -[laughing]
-Well done, Joe. -That's great, man.
Mitchell, you owe us a fiver. I told you he was gay.
I'm not actually gay.
No, no, he definitely is a gay.
Well, are you gay or not?
Alfie made me be gay for him.
-Uh, right, I didn't. -No, you did.
You said if I didn't go gay for you
you'd send me to Holland to live on a farm.
He's making this sound a lot worse than it actually was.
Yeah, look, Grayson sent me a photo
of them coming out of the ladies' toilet together.
-[laughter] -Shit! I bought him cider!
-That's not good. -Mumsnet has just crashed.
-That is good. -If you like sex so much,
what's your favorite position?
-All of them. -Shall we change the subject?
-What foreplay do you do? -All of the main ones.
-When was the last time you had sex? -On... on holiday.
Who was she?
It was a long time ago, I can't remember.
-Please-- -What was her name, sir?
-She didn't have one. -Did she have boobs, sir?
I don't know.
Was it a man? What was his name?
[all talking at once]
Is it on YouPorn?
-Um... -[all talking over each other]
[Alfie] Stop asking so many questions!
Come on, man, share with the group.
Leave me alone, Hoogeveen.
I haven't.
[muffled chuckles]
All right?
I haven't ever slept with anyone.
I had a girlfriend for a long time.
She wanted to save herself.
It just didn't happen.
What is a glittorish?
I don't know what kind of weird, sick,
pedophile kind of teachers you employ here,
but they are not right here.
They're not right with children.
OK, Mrs. Lithgow, chill your boobs, chill your hips,
chill your lips, chill your... just chill. Just chill.
To be honest, I think we got off on the wrong foot.
Alice, have you ever seen her dance?
She is like two Wayne Sleeps.
I don't mean in size.
She's a very, very dainty girl.
Alice has an inherited glandular disorder,
not "fat" as you called her.
That's "phat" with a P-H.
-Alfie. -What?
About the class. Um...
Look, I don't wanna talk about it, all right?
Well, I just wanted to say that I was really,
really impressed.
You did exactly what I said.
You helped them understand it's OK not to rush things
by being honest about yourself.
-Really? -Yes, Alfie, really.
See you tomorrow.
-Now, Alfbug. -Why are you calling me that?
Subo, Never Been Kissed.
Never call me that again.
So Mumsnet's back online, and it is not good.
There is what can only be described
as an angry hate mob demanding I sack you,
but luckily I've hit on a way of you taking
a brief sabbatical.
You know what they say,
out of sight, out of murderous, angry minds.
Right?
Did you know Hoogeveen has one of Holland's oldest peat farms?
What?
[chuckling]
-Virgins say what? -What?
[laughing]
[Grayson] This is going to be the longest
coach journey of your life.
[laughing]