1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:03,800 [upbeat music] 2 00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:06,200 [school bell ringing] 3 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:09,520 Every morning. Off! 4 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:25,720 Sorry. Carry on. 5 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:30,880 [students chattering] 6 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:34,320 Morning, class. 7 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:37,480 [students] Morning, sir. 8 00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:39,560 I have taken the liberty of doing the form register for you. 9 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:41,880 Shh, shh. 10 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:43,360 [in Chinese] You're a pathetic excuse for a teacher. 11 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:46,400 Jing, your language is very beautiful 12 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:48,480 but means nothing to me. 13 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:50,160 Parents' evening tonight, sir. 14 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:51,480 You get to meet my mum. 15 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:53,000 Everyone says she's a MILF. 16 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:55,160 Chantelle, have you not got a class to be preparing for? 17 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:57,800 Maths. We're doing fractions. 18 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,800 Apparently 23 won't go into 15. 19 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,200 Mrs. Mollinson says it's impossible. 20 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,120 We'll see about that. 21 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:07,200 Oh, I can't believe you did that! 22 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,520 Rem Dogg, why are you late? 23 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,440 -Wheelchair. -And you, Mitchell? 24 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:12,680 Well, this thing don't push itself, does it? 25 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:15,840 Look, please, it's Monday morning. 26 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,400 I have a hangover. 27 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:21,520 Joe, can you just go and see if that first aid box 28 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:23,160 has got any Berocca in it? 29 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:24,920 Yes, Dad! 30 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:26,640 [students laughing] 31 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:27,880 Oh, my days! 32 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:30,800 He just called Mr. Wickers Dad! [laughs] 33 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,600 -What a helmet! -Shut up, Mitchell. 34 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,000 At least he knows who his dad is. 35 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,840 [students] Oohh. 36 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,400 [upbeat music] 37 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:15,400 [snoring] 38 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,240 [slams door] 39 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,440 And that is how quiet Anne Frank 40 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:28,120 and her family had to be to evade capture by the Nazis. 41 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:30,600 Mr. Wickers, I need the papers. 42 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,400 [German accent] You want to see my papers? 43 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:35,800 The mock exam papers, Mr. Wickers. 44 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,800 Anything? 45 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,240 Has anyone ever told you that you would make a wonderful SS officer? 46 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:44,400 Yes. Now shall we just do this in my office? 47 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:45,520 Yeah. 48 00:02:57,920 --> 00:02:59,920 I need to process the mock exam results 49 00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:01,880 for parents' evening tonight. 50 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:04,560 Yeah, right, good. I was hoping you'd ask about those. 51 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,000 Stop fanny farting, Mr. Wickers. 52 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,400 Just give me the results, where are they? 53 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:09,640 [clicks tongue] 54 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:12,480 -All up here. -What? 55 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,800 Seriously. Give me any student, I'll give you their results. 56 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:16,920 -Mitchell Harper. -A. 57 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:18,680 -Chantelle Parsons. -A. 58 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:21,480 -Natalya Lisovskaya. -A. 59 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,160 Natalya Lisovskaya was a double gold 60 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,160 medal-winning Soviet shot putter. 61 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,600 What they get up to in their free time 62 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:28,400 is none of my concern, Isobel. 63 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,520 [exhales] Don't call me that. 64 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,280 Izzy? Is that better? Sort of more chummy. 65 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,880 The Izzter. 66 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:36,800 [soft chuckle] 67 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,120 I suppose you think you've got balls coming in here 68 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,960 playing your silly little games. 69 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,760 Well, let me tell you something, 70 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:47,240 I've got bigger balls than you'll ever have. 71 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,920 Well, it's written in the gent's, but I assumed that was just a rumor. 72 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:51,400 It's a metaphor, Mr. Wickers. 73 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,160 Let me hit you with another one. 74 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,240 You're skating on very thin ice. 75 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:58,240 And that ice is cracking with the weight of me 76 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:01,320 and my ginormous balls. 77 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,160 Two's company, three's a crowd. 78 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,640 So, wait, now you've got three balls? 79 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:09,640 -By five or they all fail. -By five?! 80 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,280 But that's like 30 papers! 81 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,000 That's like three hours marking! 82 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,640 This is slave labor. 83 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,120 You are persecuting me. 84 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:20,000 Parents' evening is my opportunity to show you up 85 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,800 for who you really are. 86 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:25,000 By five, or you'll be running home to your daddy 87 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,800 like the pathetic little boy you are. 88 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,560 Oh, I won't be running anywhere. 89 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,800 -Really? -No. 90 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,200 Because Daddy is picking me up in the car. 91 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:39,360 [upbeat music] 92 00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:54,600 Alfie, your post in my pigeonhole again. 93 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:59,800 Morning, Rosie. What is it, another nomination for Teacher Of The Year? 94 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,640 Outstanding payment on a student loan. 95 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:02,640 [chuckles] 96 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,200 What are you like? Lovely. 97 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,800 I look terrible, but thanks. 98 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,600 I was thinking about you last night. 99 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:13,680 I was on my way to the gym for an ab-attack. 100 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,520 And I went past Cafe Rouge. 101 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,800 Reminded me of our little date. 102 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:19,320 It was a staff party. 103 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:22,720 You say potato, I say... Date. 104 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:26,120 Oh, please, Alfie, not today. 105 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:27,560 Richard broke up with me last night. 106 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,720 What? He broke up with you? 107 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,400 Why? You're perfect. 108 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,720 Oh, you know, I guess it's a relief, you know. 109 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,840 I mean, I'm a very physical person 110 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:40,560 and I think Richard was intimidated by that. 111 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:42,800 What a square! 112 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:43,160 I mean, for the last few months 113 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,320 we barely touched each other. 114 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:46,800 Now I'm going to take a break from relationships 115 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,320 and throw myself into my voluntary work. 116 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,320 No more dating men for me. 117 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:55,160 Just orphans and abused children. 118 00:05:56,880 --> 00:06:00,800 Oh, as in the charity work? 119 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,680 -Obviously. -Obviously, yeah. 120 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,280 But if I need some teary pity sex, 121 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:07,960 you'll be on my shortlist. 122 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,720 I'd clear my diary like that. 123 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:13,280 Except for Thursday. It's my dad's birthday, 124 00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:17,800 so he's taking me and a friend to go and see Cirque du Soleil. 125 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,200 Richard used to love the circus. 126 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,520 Someone put your post in my pigeonhole. 127 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:30,680 Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that trick, Mollinson. 128 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:35,400 [upbeat music] 129 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,120 Class, I've got good news and bad news. 130 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,240 -What do you want? -The bad news. 131 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,920 Well, Jing, the good news is that today's history module 132 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:46,800 is Pearl Harbor, and we all know what that means. 133 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:50,000 It's class wars! 134 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,120 Right, okay. 135 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,800 So, it's December 7th, 1941. 136 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:54,720 We're in Hawaii, a military port. 137 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,480 The first thing we're going to require is some Americans. 138 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:58,880 Andre, you're Ben Affleck. 139 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:00,120 Joe, Josh Hartnett. 140 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,320 -Rem Dogg, you're a tank. -Yes! 141 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,160 Next up, I'm going to need a nurse. 142 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:05,440 Where's my Beckinsale? 143 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:06,840 Please, sir, I'm great with cancer. 144 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:08,400 And I know all the words to Beaches. 145 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,480 All right, you can be Beckinsale. 146 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:14,120 Now, finally, we require a member 147 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:19,160 of the Japanese Imperial Air Force. 148 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:22,840 The Emperor will be proud of you, my lotus flower. 149 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:26,200 -She's Chinese, you muppet! -I know. 150 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,640 OK, positions! 151 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:30,120 It's kamikaze time. 152 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:33,440 Wait, sir, what about the bad news? 153 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,680 Um, you might, probably, almost definitely 154 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,480 are all going to fail your mock exams. 155 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:41,520 What do you mean we're going to fail? 156 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:42,720 It's complicated, all right, 157 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,800 I didn't want to bore you with it. 158 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,800 The important lesson here 159 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:50,000 is for you to look for the positives in failure. 160 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,640 Like, for example, my grandad. 161 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,440 He suffered failure. Lung failure. 162 00:07:56,440 --> 00:08:00,240 Which meant that I inherited a Volvo. 163 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,640 So remember that. 164 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:05,480 Always look for the Volvo. 165 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:09,840 So it's a quiet morning in Pearl Harbor, but not in Tokyo. 166 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,920 Alfie, we can't fail. My dad will kill me. 167 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,880 -Don't be silly. -My dad will kill you. 168 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:19,280 Well, I mean, I guess I could mark some of them. 169 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:21,960 Listen, you mug! You need to mark all of them. 170 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,200 Yeah, you don't want to see my dad when he's angry. 171 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,400 He used to train in the same gym as David Haye. 172 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,200 And Sally Gunnell. 173 00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,600 Nice kicks. 174 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,360 -Um, thank you? -Give them me. 175 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:47,800 -What? -Give... them... me. 176 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:48,800 No. 177 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,920 You couldn't even wear them, they have an orthopedic heel. 178 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,680 Shut up, Downton Abbey. 179 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:56,680 They would play havoc with your arches. 180 00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:59,960 I'm sorry, Grayson, I'm not giving you my shoes. 181 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,920 Whoop, whoop! It's the sound of the police! 182 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,120 You have been apprehended. 183 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:18,680 You have the right to remain silent, 184 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,760 although that's unlikely, as you've been arrested 185 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:25,240 by Sergeant Fraser, head of Dave's Witty Banter Unit. 186 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:28,360 Step inside, Alf, need a quick conflabamundo. 187 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:31,520 -Lord, give me strength. -Grab some plastic, homeboy. 188 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,440 Look, you're not firing me, are you? 189 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,160 If this is about those fire extinguishers, 190 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,280 I was doing a class on democracy. 191 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:38,560 I was using Mitchell to demonstrate 192 00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,560 Guantanamo Bay torture techniques. 193 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:43,320 [blows] [makes gun sounds] 194 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:44,760 Holster those pistols, young ranger, 195 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,840 let's just control-alt-Apple-Z 196 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,520 that last little outburst, shall we? 197 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:49,920 Although for the record, 198 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,920 that can definitely never happen again. 199 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:55,720 I get it. You are intimidated by my teaching methods. 200 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:59,400 Right? Yeah, but I make learning fun. 201 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:02,000 If I was a font, I'd be Comic Sans. 202 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,320 You are so Times New Roman. 203 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:05,880 Shut the funk door! 204 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,840 You know I'd be Wingdings. Crazy. 205 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:13,560 Any-shiz, some of the old school don't get you. 206 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:18,400 But I do. I'm young, I'm cool and I find your approach... 207 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,520 [gulping sound] 208 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:23,720 Ahh. 209 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,200 Refreshing. 210 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,880 However, this little man-to-man is about Rosie. 211 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,120 Miss Gulliver. 212 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,880 As Beyonce says, she's a single lady 213 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,000 and I'm going to put a ring in it. 214 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,640 What?! 215 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,520 You fancy Miss Gulliver? 216 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:42,640 I likey... I lighty. 217 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,240 Oh, what's that smell? 218 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:45,840 [sniffing] 219 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,400 Whiffy banter! 220 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:49,240 Oh, for f... 221 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,000 Look, what's this got to do with me? 222 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,880 Because, Alf, you're going to be my wingman! 223 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,400 Uh-uh, no way. 224 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,560 I need your help to get Gulliver to go on a date with me. 225 00:10:56,560 --> 00:11:00,360 I'll literally follow your every word. 226 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,600 My every word? 227 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:08,120 All right. Well, I guess I could give you some pointers. 228 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:10,280 First piece of advice... 229 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,560 Completely ignore her. 230 00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:14,480 Women love that shit. 231 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:16,880 -Really? -Yeah, it'll definitely work. 232 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,720 I can see we're going to make quite a team. 233 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,600 And, look, I'm already prepped. 234 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,240 Downloaded a chat-up app. 235 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:26,400 Let's roll the dice. 236 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:27,840 -You're ridiculous. -Yeah. 237 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,000 "Roses are red, violets are blue, 238 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,320 later tonight I'll be hanging out the back of..." 239 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:35,160 I probably won't use that one, actually. 240 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,920 Can I go now? 241 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:44,800 [upbeat music] 242 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:11,360 So, I decided, this evening, take your mind off Richard, 243 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,760 I would book us a-- 244 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:18,000 No, no, absolutely, 100 percent definitely not. 245 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,880 Sounds like a maybe. 246 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:23,800 Look, I think the reason things didn't work out with Richard 247 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,720 is cause he was so old and boring. 248 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:31,240 You know, what a lot of women prefer nowadays is a toy boy. 249 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,200 Ashton and Demi. 250 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,560 Guy Ritchie and Madonna. 251 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,760 All divorced. 252 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:41,120 Ben Ofoedu and Vanessa Feltz. 253 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:45,800 Alf, I love you. Not in that way. 254 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,880 It's just... 255 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:51,240 You are a bit immature. 256 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:52,680 "You're a bit immature." 257 00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:56,400 -Mm. -Look, I am a grown-up. 258 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,400 I do so many grown-up things. 259 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:02,200 I use coasters, I put my posters into frames. 260 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,560 I've got a bag-for-life. 261 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:08,400 Share my bag with me, Rosie. 262 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,400 Did that sound really desperate? 263 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:13,520 -A little. -Shit. 264 00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,800 Immature. 265 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,520 Hi, yeah, is that TGI Fridays? 266 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,280 Uh, yeah, I want to cancel a table booked 267 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:29,160 under the name of Wickers. 268 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:31,280 Well, obviously if I'm cancelling the table, 269 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,840 I also want to cancel the cake. 270 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,600 I can't. 271 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,320 What's the point? 272 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:45,800 Sir? 273 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:49,680 -Oh. History or something. -Oh, stop being such a pussy. 274 00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:52,480 -It's just a girl. -That's very perceptive. 275 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,840 Oh, no, what I meant to say was, 276 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:58,560 stop being such a girl, it's only pussy! 277 00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,000 Right. 278 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,120 I suppose you'll be looking for a rebound then, sir? 279 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:04,960 I feel so hurt. So upset. 280 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:08,600 It's like getting kicked in the balls with a football 281 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,280 to the power of Mufasa dying in Lion King. 282 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,360 -[slaps] -Ow! 283 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,520 -Snap out of it. -Wow! 284 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,640 You've got quite a slap. 285 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,120 Well, you learn to defend yourself 286 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,240 when you're the only kid in the playground 287 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:19,640 with a Sade ringtone. 288 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,680 He's right, you need to man up! 289 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:22,840 -[slaps] -Ow! 290 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,160 Right, okay, enough with the slapping. 291 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,800 Sorry, I just wanted to hit you. 292 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:29,440 Hang on, guys, Mr. Wickers may be a bit of a twat. 293 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,800 -Right... -But despite being a twat... 294 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:33,520 You know, don't get me wrong, he's definitely a twat. 295 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:34,920 I think we get the picture. 296 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:36,920 But if he don't mark that shit, he will get fired, 297 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,000 then we could end up with a real teacher! 298 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:42,760 We can say goodbye to class wars and hello to homework. Screw that! 299 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:44,720 Oh, God, my parents might send me 300 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,400 to one of them all girls schools 301 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:47,960 where you're not allowed electric toothbrushes 302 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:50,560 or door handles or anything. 303 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:54,120 [in Chinese] Why don't you admit how incompetent you are and quit? 304 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,400 Of course, Jing! 305 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:00,960 You guys can mark them. 306 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,320 We'll do the pass-to-the-left method! 307 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,800 Why didn't I think of that? 308 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:07,440 Hooray for Jing! 309 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:10,400 [students cheering] 310 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,280 You're a joke. 311 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,240 Yeahhhhhhh! Woo! 312 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:24,400 [upbeat music] 313 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,480 [no audible dialogue] 314 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,760 A-ha, Alfie Wickers! The Wicker Man! Wickers World! 315 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,200 What's going on here? 316 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,200 Just organizing a post-workage meetage at the pubage, 317 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,120 Duke's Arms... age. 318 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,200 We're just going to talk about the school's charity calendar. 319 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,600 I really want to make a speech tonight at parents' evening 320 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,400 and the reason I've chosen this God-awful 321 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:46,560 degenerative disease is that-- 322 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,240 I know all about Palmer's Syndrome. 323 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:49,520 [Miss Gulliver] Really? 324 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:51,560 Yep. 325 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,880 Personal experience, sadly. 326 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:55,400 Who? 327 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,120 -Joe's mum. -What, really? 328 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:03,000 Yeah. Yeah, she, she got the old... 329 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,320 [makes popping sound] PS. 330 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,800 -Caught it on holiday. -Caught it? 331 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:13,360 What I mean is, its caught up with her on holiday, obviously, 332 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:20,000 as Palmer's Syndrome isn't contagious. It's idiopathic. 333 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,960 Which strand did she contract? 334 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,440 -Both of them. -Bo-- 335 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,680 Arthropathic and neuropathic? 336 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,440 -Yeah. Yeah. -Oh, my God. 337 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:29,440 -Correct. -God, so she had all of the symptoms? 338 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:32,760 -All of them, yeah. -Which ones? 339 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:35,280 You know, the main ones... 340 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:38,440 Insomnia. 341 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:39,960 Postural instability. 342 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,440 [Miss Gulliver] Oh, that's nasty. 343 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:46,520 Um, the face thing, with the face... 344 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:47,760 Face? 345 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,280 Her fingers fell off. 346 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,280 Her fingers fell off? 347 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,000 I did not know that that was a symptom. 348 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,440 Yeah, it's not so much a symptom. 349 00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:58,800 It was, um, frostbite, she got... she got frostbite, 350 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:03,200 cause she was looking for a cure in Iceland. 351 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:06,560 That's why mums shouldn't go to Iceland! 352 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,480 Anyway, I don't want to go on about it but, you know, 353 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:14,520 I do do an awful lot for him. 354 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,840 I mean, only this morning in class... 355 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:19,280 No, I shouldn't say, it's silly. 356 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,680 -No, no, go on. -He called me Daddy. 357 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,800 Aw! 358 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,680 It's no biggie, you know. 359 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:27,520 I had no idea that Palmer's Syndrome 360 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,600 meant so much to you, Alfie. 361 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:31,160 But why don't you join us? 362 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,800 It'd be lovely to have his input, wouldn't it, Fraser? 363 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,120 Well, I think it'd be better if we were just... 364 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,800 Right, it would mean a lot. 365 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:38,640 Who cares for the carers? 366 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,600 Hey, we can all go. The more, the merrier. 367 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:43,760 -Thanks, Rosie. -That's okay! 368 00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,400 Can I just talk to that student? 369 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,240 Go get him. 370 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,360 -Alfredo, good squire? -Mmm? 371 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,840 You wouldn't be cock-blocking me, would you, wingman? 372 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:54,640 No, no. 373 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,880 Of course not, wingman. 374 00:17:56,880 --> 00:18:00,400 What I'm doing is demonstrating to her 375 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:06,240 how unsuitable I am to highlight how great you are. 376 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:09,200 -Maverick. -Mmm. 377 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,680 Thinking outside the box, Goose. 378 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:16,840 Oh, BT-dubs, love the way you rock out with your croc out. 379 00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:22,000 [upbeat music] 380 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,360 Joe, I am going to need you to go ahead 381 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:36,280 and hide in the cupboard. 382 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:37,360 OK... 383 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,120 Quick! 384 00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,600 Hey, sorry, just busy with... 385 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,360 Sorry, Alfie, I was just thinking, um, 386 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,440 about Joe's mum, um... 387 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,360 Alfie, why are the kids sat like that? 388 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,360 Oh, we're learning about South Africa. 389 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,960 Right. Um... 390 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:04,520 I was thinking, I could really use Joe's mum in the campaign. 391 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,920 Really? Is that a good idea? 392 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,800 It's a personal story, give the appeal resonance. 393 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,720 -Shock people into action! -Yeah, but-- 394 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:13,640 So can I just have a quick word with Joe? 395 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:20,400 No. You can't, cause he was ill, so he went to the doctor. 396 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,640 Let's hope he hasn't got it as well. 397 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:26,600 Oh, well, if you see him, just tell me, won't you? 398 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:27,800 -Will do. -Okay. 399 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,600 [Joe] Can I come out now? 400 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,440 What was that? 401 00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:35,920 -What was what, sorry? -That voice from the cupboard. 402 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,920 Nelson Mandela. Yeah. Robben Island. 403 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:42,440 Sorry, Mandy! 1989, one more year! 404 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,840 Crack on, you've got a book to write. 405 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,880 See you later. 406 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,360 Miss Gulliver is so buffting. 407 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,280 Yeah, she's hot, man, like proper spice! 408 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:57,920 No, she ain't! 409 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:01,800 Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Chantelle. Shakespeare. 410 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,880 [in Chinese] It's actually from the Bible, idiot. 411 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:07,600 Shakespeare, Jing, he was an English writer who wrote Romeo and Juliet 412 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,480 and The King's Speech. 413 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,920 Hey! 414 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,560 So, you know the way I'm your favorite teacher 415 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,800 in the whole world? 416 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,720 Well, I need a little favor from my favorite pupil. 417 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,640 You are always asking me to do you favors. 418 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,280 No, I'm not. Give me one. 419 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,240 Yesterday, at break, 420 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:28,480 when you made me go up to Conor Wilson 421 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:29,960 and tell him that you were Banksy. 422 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,800 Look, all I need you to do this time, very simple, 423 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,120 is to pretend that your mum has a potentially fatal, 424 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,800 degenerative disease, so that Miss Gulliver 425 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,280 goes on a date with me and subsequently, 426 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:39,520 at some point in the future, 427 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,160 hopefully becomes my girlfriend. 428 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,520 ♪ Free ♪ 429 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:46,560 Okay. 430 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,920 ♪ Free free free ♪ 431 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,920 ♪ Nelson Mandela ♪ 432 00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:59,400 ♪ Free Nelson Mandela ♪ 433 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,280 [clears throat] 434 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:07,720 Oh, Miss Pickwell. See you, uh, got the papers? 435 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,640 -Indeed. -Good. 436 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,160 So, uh, what were the results? 437 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:19,120 Oh, silly me. 438 00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:20,480 All up here. 439 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:22,400 Whose do you want to know? 440 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,800 -Um... Mitchell? -Fail. 441 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:26,600 -Remi? -Fail. 442 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,400 -Stephen? -Fail. 443 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,600 Fail, fail, fail, fail, 444 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:34,680 fail, fail, fail, fail, fail, fail. 445 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:38,920 Okay. Starting to see a bit of a pattern emerging here. 446 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:40,200 Oh, what about Chantelle? 447 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:45,000 Oh, let's see. Oh, 100 percent. 448 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,200 "Could try harder to be less of a slag." 449 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:49,920 [chuckles] Classic. 450 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,880 You didn't mark their papers, Mr. Wickers. They did. 451 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:55,640 And because of this, they all failed. 452 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,200 The trouble with you, Mr. Wickers, 453 00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:00,000 is you're all fart and no poo. 454 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:04,280 Let me tell you this, when I fart, 455 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:06,640 I follow through. 456 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:11,600 [electronic music] 457 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:20,400 So, as Chantelle's mother and... father? 458 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,840 I-I... 459 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:30,160 Sorry, um, you're not actually allowed to smoke in here, 460 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:33,400 or indeed any buildings these days. 461 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:37,400 Um, what it is, is that Chantelle 462 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,520 has, um, failed her mock exam. 463 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,320 I bet she done all right on her oral. 464 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:49,440 I teach history, we don't even do an... 465 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,240 Never mind. 466 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:54,400 Oh... 467 00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:57,800 Oh... 468 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:02,200 [rap music] 469 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:14,560 Dong. 470 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:21,400 So before we get onto Jing, serious question. 471 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:25,200 How long until all the pets we have will be robots? 472 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,640 [Miss Gulliver laughing] 473 00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:40,680 [chattering] 474 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,280 Oh... 475 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,720 Struggling, Wickers? 476 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:47,880 I always find parents' evening a lot less stressful 477 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,960 if at least one of my children has passed. 478 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,960 That's the problem with you, Pickwell. 479 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,920 It's all about results and grades. 480 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,400 -My class have other talents. -Right. 481 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,880 Stephen knows all the words to Steel Magnolias. 482 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,800 -Wow! -That's like a three-hour film. 483 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:10,120 And Mitchell Harper can hold his breath for four minutes. 484 00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,480 -Twice what I can do! -Right. 485 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:15,880 And you remember Joe, the boy you wanted to exclude? 486 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:19,480 Well, he has got a birthmark 487 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:22,560 that looks exactly like James May. 488 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:24,720 So you may not see much in my them, 489 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:27,120 but I believe in my class. 490 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:31,400 And for the record, they're not children, okay? 491 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:34,360 -They are young adults. -[Mitchell] Oh, shit! 492 00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,560 Rem Dogg's dad's got a glass eye! [laughs] 493 00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,920 What a penis! 494 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:42,840 [chuckles] 495 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:45,520 [upbeat music] 496 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:52,760 Alfie, I think this whole Miss Gulliver thing might've got out of hand. 497 00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:54,400 What happened? 498 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:55,920 Well, she was asking me all these questions 499 00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:57,120 and I just started panicking. 500 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:58,400 And then... 501 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,520 Look, look, calm down, it's going to be fine. 502 00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:03,800 -I told her my mum was dead. -Oh, shit! 503 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:05,400 Boo! 504 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:09,320 Firstly, a mahoo-ssive thank you for coming to parents' evening. 505 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:10,960 I know it can be difficult hearing 506 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:14,240 how your sprogs are a little bit slow on the uptake. 507 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:15,960 And you're thinking, "Oh, God, 508 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,200 why didn't I lay off the cider after the first scan?" 509 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:25,480 But it's important to remember 510 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,320 that there are kids out there less fortunate than your own. 511 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:30,680 So here to tell you a little bit about 512 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:34,680 our fundraising venture is the wonderful Miss Gulliver. 513 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:36,200 Big hand, please. 514 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:37,360 -[audience applauding] -Shit, we have to stop her! 515 00:25:37,360 --> 00:25:38,720 How? 516 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,280 We are all going to die. 517 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:45,720 [inhales inhaler] 518 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,880 But what if I told you, madam, 519 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:51,800 that your child wasn't going to reach the age of 30? 520 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:52,480 [inhales inhaler] 521 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:55,400 Because that's the reality of Palmer's Syndrome. 522 00:25:55,400 --> 00:26:00,600 It's a condition that affects one in six million. 523 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:06,000 So give us all your fucking money now! 524 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,720 That is the message here. 525 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:09,800 Now, if everyone wants to make their way through to the foyer, 526 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,640 there's a complimentary glass of red or white wine. 527 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,440 Let's get in before Mollinson necks it all, 528 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,160 we all know what she's been like ever since her husband left her! 529 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:23,560 Alfie, not now. So I would like to tell you a story about a brave woman 530 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:27,000 who this year lost her battle with Palmer's Syndrome. 531 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,120 A remarkable woman. 532 00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:31,800 Joe's mum. 533 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,600 Emma Poulter. 534 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,720 Hang on. Who?! 535 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,800 -Free booze! -What's going on? 536 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,920 Some people find loss very hard to take. 537 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:47,920 -Emma Poulter isn't dead. -Denial. First stage of grief. 538 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:49,400 I'm Emma Poulter. 539 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:52,400 Second stage, identity theft. 540 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,760 No, I am Emma Poulter! 541 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:57,440 [audience gasping, chattering] 542 00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:00,600 No, I am Emma Poulter! 543 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:04,440 Because in many ways we're all Emma Poulters, 544 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,200 because this disease can affect anyone. 545 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:10,800 I'm very much alive, and I haven't got Palmer's Syndrome. 546 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,640 Alfie? She... 547 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:16,400 You said that... 548 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:19,160 She's got ten massive fingers! 549 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:20,960 Right, Wickers, my office now! 550 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,800 -Come on. -Wait! Wait! 551 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:26,920 It's not his fault. I did it. 552 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:31,120 I just wanted to make Mr. Wickers happy. 553 00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:34,400 I just wanted to show off to him. 554 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,160 He's the dad I never really had. 555 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,960 -Oh, my God... -[all] Aw! 556 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,720 But I'm your dad. 557 00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:46,320 Oh, bollocks. 558 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,200 [Miss Gulliver] God, I really need a drink. 559 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:54,320 Yeah, well, let's go to the pubage. 560 00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:55,760 [Miss Gulliver] I haven't been out for a long time. 561 00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,880 [Fraser] Don't worry, I'll look after you. 562 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,200 I'm sorry, Alfie. 563 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,920 It's just all so cringe. 564 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:08,880 I failed again. 565 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:13,440 Look for the Volvo. 566 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,320 Do you... Do you want to go play Time Crisis 567 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:20,600 and shove some dog shit through Pickwell's letter box? 568 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:22,240 Yeah. 569 00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:24,560 Let's do that again. 570 00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:28,400 [upbeat music]