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00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,280
Good morning. Now, it's How To Start
Your Day The Stephen Carmichael Way.

2
00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:08,360
Hey y'all. Now that my undereye has
been hydrated, we're going to step

3
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:11,080
into the bathroom for a little bit
of a spritz.

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00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:12,640
Follow me!

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Aaah! Oh, my God!

6
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:18,080
Mate, have you got any
rough loo roll?

7
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This crushed velvet won't
cut the mustard!

8
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That was a live stream!

9
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Yeah, and so's this! Oh!

10
00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:24,800
That Nutella punched through me
like Tyson Fury.

11
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What Nutella?
The one in the fridge.

12
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That was my coffee
and cacao Peruvian face mask!

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Oh, you're joking.
I put it on me toast.

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Am I going to die?

15
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Well, you drink, you smoke and
you eat Rustlers for breakfast,

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so it's a yes from me.

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Is there any wonder your girlfriend
kicked you out?

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Newsflash - women can be
unreasonable.

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Er, newsflash, she went on a hen,

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and you turned your basement
into a betting shop?

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It was a casino.
I was wearing a bow tie.

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Eww!

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Oh, listen, I don't mind if you stay
here until she takes you back,

24
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but you have to do a wash!

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It's like Sports Direct's
crawled in here to die.

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Listen, I don't...

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HE COUGHS

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Look, I don't think Katie's
going to take me back.

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She's dropping the rest of my stuff
off to Abbey Grove this afternoon,

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so I guess I've got to make the best
of a bad situation.

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Well, I say this with love, but, um,

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you can't stay here forever.

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You won't be saying that
when you see my foosball table,

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or my gaming chairs,
oh, and my three-piece suite.

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Got my boxing bag.

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I've got a ton of stolen
pint glasses.

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Oh, and I've got me lathe and all me
tools to do the renovations.

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Renovations? Yeah, well, I think
I'm going to have to knock a wall

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through in your closet to make
space for the nursery,

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cos obviously I'm going to have the
kid on the weekend, ain't I?

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Oh, my God...

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I feel faint!

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There should be water in the drinks
holders.

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I think I selected no conversation
this morning...

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Mum. Maybe you should take a leaf
out of Mitchell's book.

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Cos he's thinking about other people
rather than himself.

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Mum, I saw him picking his nose with
a butter knife this morning.

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Eww! You're a child!

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Well, at least my mum ain't still
driving her kids to school.

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Yeah. She'd need a Megabus for all
of her children.

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Ironically, where most of them
were conceived.

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Excuse me - I was conceived in a
Wetherspoon's bog.

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1995 Coca-Cola Cup Final.

54
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Me mum got a bit excited
when Jamie Redknapp bent over

55
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:04,880
to take a free kick.

56
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Yeah, my dad took his opportunity.
Oh...

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Jamie Redknapp - he has aged
like a fine wine!

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Mum... Jamie Redknapp's such
a basic white woman crush.

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Just drive.

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Oh, how's the nursing, Miss C?

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I mean, fairly quiet.

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There were only the eight deaths
on A&E last night.

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Oh, Mum.

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After that sort of major trauma,
you need some retail therapy.

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That's so thoughtful.

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Oh, I know. I thought you could
restock my fridge. Ugh...

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Look, well, I'd do it myself
but we're marking up

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mock exams this week.

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The mocks? I thought that was
last week. Um...

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I saw you just now with Blessing.

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What piece of stolen trash was that?

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A DVD of every time you forgot
your lines in school plays, ha-ha!

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Now, be good and listen to the
teachers.

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Er, Mum, we ARE the teachers.

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Yeah, but, you know,

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proper teachers.

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See you later, Miss C.

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Seriously, mate, the fact that
I'm going to be living with you

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00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,080
is the only thing getting me
through this. Cheers.

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# I invested in you like crypto

81
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# But I think it's time to trade

82
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,200
# I want to throw your stuff
out the window

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# So I'mma wait until it rains

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# And don't you try come over, cos

85
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# You'll find out the locks
have changed

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# I don't want your flowers
or apologies

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# It don't even matter
if you're on your knees...#

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Yo, I heard some proper drama
on the bus this morning.

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I was about to put it on my Insta
but then I was like, hold on,

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00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,640
nah, wait, Warren can print it
in his paper.

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Sure, let me have a look.

92
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Why you care about Warren's
dry newspaper?

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Um, the Abbey Grove Guardian
isn't dry.

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To be fair,
it's deader than Inchez's fade.

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Suck your mum! My lid is so fresh!

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Your lid's so dead,
it had a candlelit vigil.

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THEY LAUGH

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00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,960
Er, Warren. You've crossed
everything out!

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00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,280
I can't publish an article alleging
that Melody Pym has three hands.

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00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:32,840
Stacey Barron found two pairs
of gloves in her locker,

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but one was missing.
I'm giving you facts, bruv!

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Whoa!

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There's the truth, the truth-truth,

104
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then the truth like Kylie Jenner
self-made billionaire type of truth.

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Do you know what I mean? No.
Please, Warren!

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I just found out that Wordle doesn't
count as English coursework!

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You've got to publish something by
Monday, or else I'mma fail.

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I have to maintain my editorial
standards or I could fail.

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Standards! You posted Jinx's article

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on the resurgence of pubic hair!

111
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It was long and knotty but,

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boy, did I help her to prune it
back.

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Let's make a bet.

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I bet you by the end of today,
I can write a story that makes

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00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,520
everyone want to read your paper.

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OK, if it passes a basic fact check
and if you win, then...

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I become editor.
COLLECTIVE GASPS

118
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,360
And if I win, then I gain sole
custody of your Instagram page

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for one weekend...

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..in which I will post my unfiltered
hot takes on trains,

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the bassoon and the scandalous
amount of mould

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at the chess club.

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Eww.

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Deal.

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Mitchell has to go - out of my flat,
out of my life, for good!

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Ooh, we can start a petition
to have Mitchell moved out,

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although my change.org has been
shadow bound for too much activity.

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Ah, ah, ah.
We don't have time for that.

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His girlfriend's coming this
afternoon to end it with him!

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His missus ain't never going to
take him back.

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He's like if the Lidl central aisle
made human beings.

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At least he's happy. You know, it's
what's on the inside that counts.

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Er... Bullshit!

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Have I taught you nothing?!

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It doesn't matter what's on the
inside if the outside looks great.

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00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,320
Well, can't you give him a glow-up,
sir? Ah...

137
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I wouldn't know where to start.

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It's his hair, his dress sense,
his clothes, what he eats...

139
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It's more than a one-man job.

140
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It's a five-man job.

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Sir, we need to Fab Five him!

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Yes!

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It'd be like if Queer Eye Fab Fived
a bootcut Danny Dyer.

144
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Five what now?

145
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,200
Five queens changing
the lives of ordinary people.

146
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They're dirty, they're grubby
and they need help.

147
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,200
That could work.

148
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,800
Let's hope so because face masks
are very expensive.

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00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,160
Go!

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BALLOONS POP

151
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,680
INDISTINCT CHEERS

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WebMD says that no-one gets
policeman's ear

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before the age of 50.

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Old bones, I suppose.

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Well, I guess you'd better sit
this one out, chief.

156
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Give us that here.

157
00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,720
Tyler, you're up!

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BALLOONS CONTINUE POPPING

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Stick that on.

160
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,480
Sir, I led a protest at my local
McDonald's against the appropriation

161
00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:10,080
of indigenous Scottish names and now
I have shooting pains in my arm.

162
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I'm scared it's placard elbow.

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Jesus. You're like if Jameela
Jamil's Twitter come to life.

164
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Oh, thank you.

165
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:17,680
Good luck! No, sir... Um...

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00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:19,520
Harrison! Stick that in your locker,
son!

167
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Yes, sir!

168
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Oh!

169
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,520
Mitchell!

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00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,240
WHISTLE
Hold it there!

171
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Hope I'm not interrupting
anything important.

172
00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:32,560
Of course not, it's PE.

173
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,840
Here, got us an 'ouse-warming
present. Ooh!

174
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:37,320
It's a PS5. I got it from this bloke
down the docks.

175
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,240
I think it fell off the back of a...

176
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:40,920
..boat. OK, cute.

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Well, um, you can keep
whatever a PS5 is.

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We are going to Fab Five you
so you can win your girl back.

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00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:49,960
You don't need to grow up,
you need to glow up.

180
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,600
You should totally do it, sir.

181
00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,360
She'll take you back for sure.
Mm-hm.

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00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:56,160
I'm glad we kept my private life
between us and the entire school.

183
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,880
Um, I told them
because we care about you!

184
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We want to help you...

185
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..change.

186
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:06,480
Fine. I'll do it.

187
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:08,120
Yeah!

188
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,360
Come on! Yeah!

189
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:14,560
Tight Nooki
by Stefflon Don ft. Jeremih

190
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:24,560
This glow-up is about upgrading your
lifestyle from flab to fab,

191
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,640
from the estate to great.

192
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,120
From bellend to legend.
Oi-oi!

193
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:30,680
Ha-ha! Too much.

194
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,240
We'll be judging your wardrobe,
your skincare regime

195
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:35,560
and your sense of self-worth.

196
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:37,760
But our first expert refused to
let us use his kitchen

197
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,840
unless we agreed to involve him.

198
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:43,320
He's giving less midtown chic
and more midlife crisis.

199
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,520
It's Fraser!
THEY WHOOP

200
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:52,160
You know, people say cooking is all
souffles, flambees and pasa dobles.

201
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:53,760
That's a load of Buble.

202
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,440
I've got recipes to suit all
levels of expertise,

203
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,080
from the gourmand, to the gormless.

204
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:01,080
Well, good, cos this whole break-up
happened over a meal I cooked her.

205
00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:02,560
I'm all orecchiette.

206
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,560
I done her chicken the way
she likes her steak.

207
00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:06,880
Oh what, with curly fries?
Nah, medium rare.

208
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:10,000
She got sick as a dog and she did
not like me calling her Chunderella.

209
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,600
Trust kind of broke down after that.

210
00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:13,680
Does your much-better half
like to travel?

211
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:16,520
Oh, yeah, yeah. She's been
to Lanzarote and Ibiza.

212
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:18,640
One day, I'd love to take her
to Spain.

213
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,880
How about some pan-Asian cuisine?

214
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:24,560
Step one - hit the ignition.

215
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,880
Step two...

216
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,720
Did I mention this is
a Brooklyn Beckham recipe?

217
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:44,920
Work.

218
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,360
Now let's upgrade this from home
cooked meal to restaurant quality.

219
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:51,920
That does work a lot better
with salt.

220
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,240
Don't worry,
Mum's doing delicates tonight.

221
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,920
Sir, you might have to buy her
dinner in a restaurant.

222
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,160
Oooh! I can take her for
surf and turf down me local.

223
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,360
Steak and lobster?
Bacon fries and scampi fries.

224
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,360
Ah, I've got chilli in my eye!

225
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,960
Oh, I bet Pavel and Edna
are going to love this.

226
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,000
This will end up on
the blooper reel.

227
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,560
Ow, ah!

228
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:11,200
A medic, I need a medic!

229
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:12,840
Ow! What was that?!

230
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:15,240
Aah! Somebody get the school nurse!

231
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,600
Please? Ah...

232
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,640
Fine. I'll go.

233
00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:25,960
Yucky Blucky Fruitcake
by Doechii

234
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,040
OK. Quickly bring them in.

235
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,760
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

236
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,320
So, I'll be the gorge Tan France,

237
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,960
and you will all be clothes rails.

238
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,520
Ah!

239
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,160
What do you think?

240
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,520
I... I look... I look like...

241
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:57,840
..you.

242
00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:00,400
I mean, no offence, but it does make
me look a little bit like...

243
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,720
Ah! Tread carefully, hon.

244
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:06,840
Like a fella that might put a little
bit of mint on his peas.

245
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:09,080
Who do you want to look like?

246
00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:11,200
Well, the missus loves Paul Pogba.

247
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,080
I could do you Paul Potts.

248
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,520
Ooh, I like the shirt
Warren's wearing.

249
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,840
That's the school uniform!

250
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,400
Let me work my magic.
I'll be back.

251
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,760
I'm going to write about this
in the paper.

252
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,160
This is abuse!
These clothes are so claps!

253
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,440
They're burning my skin!

254
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,080
Can't wait to fact-check this.

255
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,640
Oi! I was just outside
Hoburn's office

256
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,960
and I saw her taking in
all these boxes.

257
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,920
They all had this sign on them.

258
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:41,560
The Illuminati! Ah!
I'm too bored by this to even die.

259
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,720
Sis! Do you not know Beyonce
and Jay-Z are in the Illuminati?

260
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,320
It's a secret society.

261
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,680
Wait, are you trying to say
that Hoburn hangs with celebs?

262
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:51,880
I'm confused. There could be
anything in them boxes.

263
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:56,120
Hoburn is really some low-level
lizard posing as a headmistress

264
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,200
until they collapse a skyscraper
or something!

265
00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:59,480
Can I quote you on that?

266
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:01,120
Ooh, do you want to be
my Deep Throat?

267
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,120
Not if I get there first.
Also gross, Warren!

268
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,800
You claim to be a journalist, yet
you've never heard of Watergate.

269
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:09,000
It's on the Northern Line,
I ain't dumb.

270
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,720
And you're going down harder
than the GC on ice skates!

271
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:13,880
Ooh! Found 'em!

272
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:16,400
Oh, I knew I had them somewhere!

273
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,080
What are you doing?!

274
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,600
What? No, I like it. I just thought
it would be a bit more me

275
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:22,480
without the whatsits, the tagnuts.

276
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:25,000
We don't want you -
you are the problem!

277
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,560
You dress like you're defending
a statue of Winston Churchill!

278
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,760
OK...

279
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:33,640
Come on. Hair and make-up.

280
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,640
What do you want us
to do with these?

281
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,640
Oh, um, take them to the
dry cleaner's.

282
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,080
Seriously? No.

283
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:40,280
He was in earshot.

284
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:42,360
Everything he's worn - burn.

285
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:03,320
And when we're finished
with the toilet, we...?

286
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:04,920
We...

287
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,640
Ff... Ffffff...

288
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,480
- Flush! ..lush!
- Flush!

289
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,120
Flush, I said flush! You flush!
Sir, I'd quit while you're ahead.

290
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:13,840
Jinx, I thought you was going to
pimp my gym

291
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,040
and do some interior design.
Sick.

292
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:19,040
You could do a date in there
like Drake in Dodger Stadium!

293
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,040
Yes!

294
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,280
On our budget, we're putting down
some mousetraps!

295
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:24,520
KNOCK AT DOOR

296
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,120
This is a random drugs test! Shit!

297
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,560
I'm going to give you five seconds
to finish dropping trou,

298
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,080
then I'm coming in.

299
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:33,000
Five Mississippi,
four Mississippi,

300
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,280
three Mississippi,
two Mississippi,

301
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:37,880
one...!

302
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,440
Harper.

303
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,200
What is that jacket?

304
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,400
Er, I'm undercover, Miss.

305
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,000
Yeah, I heard some kids were selling
doobies in the toilets

306
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,280
so I disguised myself

307
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:51,840
as a...kinky hippy.

308
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:55,760
What's this I hear about you
and Carmichael living together?

309
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,960
I mean, if it's a Phillip Schofield
situation, then I am legally obliged

310
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,600
to say that I support you.

311
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,240
Oh, no, it's nothing like that,
Miss.

312
00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,240
And even if it was,
I have got standards.

313
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:06,480
Yes, yes.

314
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,160
Well, absolutely, the engorged ego,
the endless histrionics.

315
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:10,960
Don't you wish he had a mute button?

316
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,600
- She will get...
- Sh!

317
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,200
Yeah, but, I mean, even if he did,

318
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:17,120
I reckon we'd still be able
to hear him. Hmm.

319
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:21,960
So you're no longer living with
your common-law trouble and strife?

320
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,000
No. No, no, no.
Me missus kicked me out.

321
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,320
Ah, yes.

322
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:29,200
I mean, some women just can't handle
a live grenade, can they?

323
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,800
While others just want to...
pull out the pin with their teeth

324
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,640
and throw themselves on top of it.

325
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,440
She's gone.

326
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:48,680
Cheeky slag.

327
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,440
Oi, I think she was chirpsing Sir.

328
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,640
Don't be a tit.
Right, come on, you lot!

329
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,560
Me missus will be
here in a couple of hours!

330
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:58,200
OK - up next, we're going to break
you down and build you back up.

331
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,400
It's Karamo time!
Yeah!

332
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:04,120
Karamo is a man,
not a fighting style.

333
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,040
Oh.

334
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,920
Need a shower.

335
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:39,640
This is Warren Griffiths, reporting
for the Abbey Grove Guardian.

336
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:43,800
I have penetrated into Miss
Hoburn's inner sanctum.

337
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:47,840
That sounded less sexual in my head
but I think it's the nerves...

338
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,040
Yah! Warren!

339
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:51,720
HE GASPS

340
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,920
Usma, you look just like
Miss Hoburn!

341
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,480
That is an exceptional costume!

342
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,080
Thanks!

343
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,840
Were you hiding in the mailbox?

344
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,440
Yeah.
I was sweating profusely.

345
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,320
Most of those letters will be
illegible now.

346
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:05,360
Well, you beat me to it.

347
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,440
You was right.
I'm no good at this.

348
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,640
Do you swear you won't post any
photos of your nipples on my Insta?

349
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:15,840
Wait... We're both here now so maybe
we could just work on this together?

350
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,880
Seriously? I'm so up for it!

351
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,760
I'm ready to hack some phones
and rip up some binbags!

352
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,040
Or we could just open up
these boxes?

353
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,680
Visualise your father.

354
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:34,200
Hold him...

355
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,000
..and fire!

356
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:42,560
Di-i-i-i-ie!
PUPILS SCREAM

357
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:45,320
Wow.

358
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:46,720
Impressive.

359
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:49,840
Impressive? I think you're being
a little bit kind to yourself.

360
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,360
Isn't that the whole point?

361
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,760
Where's the rage?
What'd you mean? I love my dad.

362
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,920
Oh... I give up!
You're impossible to reach!

363
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:57,720
You want to try digging
a little bit deeper!

364
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,560
What? Are you saying I'm not
taking this seriously?

365
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,720
When you're the one drawing up
little schemes with Blessing?

366
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,560
It's not like that, all right?
I'm sorry.

367
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,120
But change takes patience,
humility,

368
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:09,320
and the willingness to sit
and listen, hmm?

369
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,440
And I don't possess any
of those things.

370
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,560
Right, what else does this
Karamo geezer do?

371
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:17,320
Um, trust exercises,
like escape rooms,

372
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:19,520
abseiling, archery...

373
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,880
Sir, sir! Hoburn writes
50 Shades shit, man!

374
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,320
Hoburn writes smut! Smut!
And it's all about you, Sir!

375
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,640
You what? The Illuminati triangle
was upside down.

376
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,800
It's not the Illuminati. It's...

377
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,000
..it's a lady's, um...

378
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,280
..promise.
You can say vagina, Warren.

379
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:40,280
Ohhh! Miss writes kinky novels
under the name...

380
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:42,400
Scarlett McCrimson!

381
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,040
My mum reads those!

382
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,880
She ain't flicking pages, bro!

383
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:46,920
THEY SNICKER

384
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,560
"His pert mouth hung open.

385
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:55,120
"His hand pulled idly at the beast
sleeping in his tracksuit bottoms.

386
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:59,200
"Staying by, oh, so many brutish
couplings,

387
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:02,040
"on the lip of the Billericay
swamp..."

388
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,800
Mm-mm...

389
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:07,000
"When he asked for a job,
I knew it was wrong,

390
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,760
"but I gave him one anyway!"

391
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,000
Stuff of nightmares.

392
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,640
That could be about anyone.

393
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,960
The guy's called Hitchell Marper.
There you go, see?

394
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,760
It's about this geezer called
Hitchell.

395
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,080
Oh, shit!

396
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,320
Miss Hoburn's fetishising you, Sir!

397
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,160
I find that heart-breaking!

398
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,720
She clearly doesn't value herself.

399
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,400
Don't give up on me now, mate,
please!

400
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,760
There ain't no more fish in the sea.

401
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,000
It's just a great white shark
who's hungry for me blood!

402
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,680
Sir, I think this is a Kylie Jenner
self-made billionaire moment.

403
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:38,440
Mm-hm. It's time to print
the legend, not the truth.

404
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:43,000
Warren, you odd little man.

405
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,360
We need to create our own Hitchell
Marper to seduce your missus,

406
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:49,840
then you can change, or not,
on your own time.

407
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:51,400
That's appalling life advice.

408
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:55,000
Sir, are you seriously prepared to
con the mother of your child?

409
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,520
Does Paddington have a furry arse?

410
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:06,520
We open on Mitchell sat at his desk,
reading.

411
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,160
His boo enters.

412
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,440
He stands,
his voice trembling with emotion.

413
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:12,960
"Don't go, babes.

414
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,400
"I loves you, Keeley."
Kayleigh.

415
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:20,000
Kayleigh simply stubs out her
cigarette,

416
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:23,240
lights up another one
and shakes her head.

417
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:26,040
She don't even smoke!
Sh! Sit down!

418
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:30,440
Then Warren enters on crutches!
It's polio!

419
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,760
Er, sir, as an athlete's foot
survivor,

420
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,920
I don't want to minimise any
kind of podiatry trauma.

421
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:39,360
Oh, please! Audiences love pitying
old timely diseases,

422
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:41,880
but we don't have
time for a leprosy arc.

423
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:44,640
Warren will say that he's been
teased about his polio.

424
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,960
And then Mr Mitchell can tell
Warren that he's beautiful

425
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,200
just the way he is.
And Kelly will love it!

426
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,880
Up next, Usma with a fake
pregnancy bump!

427
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,640
She'll say she's worried she's going
to be rejected by her family.

428
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,280
And Mr Harper tells me you're
all my chosen family

429
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:58,960
who love and accept me.

430
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,440
What would my character have
in his pocket?

431
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:03,000
A pet mouse.

432
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,880
Oooh!
And a hot pie.

433
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,200
You don't need to go that far, mate!
You can just pretend.

434
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,800
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

435
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,960
Next up, Jinx, tourniquet,
get it round your arm!

436
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,040
You're a junkie kid with a twist!
You love to tap!

437
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:16,720
Woo!

438
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,280
Uh-uh.

439
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,320
Yeah!
No! This is too much!

440
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,880
Er, this is improv, Mitchell!
Don't say no!

441
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,440
Say "yes, and..." Right, she's going
to be here in half an hour.

442
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,280
I do not need hot pies
and save the last smackheads.

443
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,040
You don't know what you need.

444
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,880
Yes, I do. You don't even know her.

445
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,440
You can't even remember her name!
Look, I can handle this.

446
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,080
Er, don't you dare!

447
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:43,600
If you try to win her back, you're
going to screw this up for me.

448
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,280
For you?! This is my life!

449
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,280
It's my flat!
Oh.

450
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:49,080
So that's what this is all about.

451
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,160
The little prince wants
his castle back.

452
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,880
You don't care about me.

453
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,280
You just want me gone.

454
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:57,120
I thought we were mates.

455
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,040
Blessing, go after him, stall him.

456
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,320
Buy me some time and don't let him
do anything stupid.

457
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,920
What are you going do, Sir?

458
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,600
The show must go on.

459
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:15,120
Cardboard Box
by FLO

460
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,480
Nice.
Classy is my middle name.

461
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:27,760
Your middle name's Carlsberg. Yeah,
that's only cos my dad lost a bet.

462
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,680
My little sister Stella got
away with it,

463
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,600
unlike my poor brother, Boddington.

464
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:35,000
Right, you go and keep a lookout
and let me know when you see her.

465
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,720
Oh, silly me.

466
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,280
She's here! Right,
go and make yourself scarce,

467
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:53,960
cos whatever way this goes down,
it's going to get inappropriate.

468
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,880
Good luck, Sir. Cheers.

469
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:58,400
Afraid To Feel
by LF System

470
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:02,720
OK, starters - everybody out!
Come on, now!

471
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,080
You two stay there!
Come on, quick! Hurry up!

472
00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:07,720
Sir!

473
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:09,560
What are you doing? Er...

474
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:12,400
I'm going to be on prompt in case
anybody forgets their lines!

475
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:13,920
Duh!

476
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,400
Bloody heck!

477
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:17,920
Ugh...

478
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:22,560
Can't lie.

479
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:25,040
This don't look
like Dodger Stadium, fam!

480
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:26,640
CHAIR SCRAPES

481
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:33,840
Well, this is me.

482
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,560
My gym.

483
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:36,960
My kingdom.

484
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,880
Can I interest you
in a refreshing...

485
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,280
..can of lager?

486
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,480
I'm driving!

487
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,760
Oh, yeah, of course, sorry.

488
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:49,360
Can you smell mayonnaise?

489
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:51,320
That might be my new face cream.

490
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:52,800
That's the new me.

491
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,080
I've been broadening my mind
and shit. Yeah?

492
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:58,360
Mm. I've been thinking about how we
can rebuild trust.

493
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:01,360
Well, I'm glad you're being mature
for once.

494
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:03,640
What you thinking, therapy?
Escape room.

495
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,360
Oh, my God! What are you doing?

496
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:10,080
HE CHOKES

497
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:13,480
What you doing?
I'm doing Karamo.

498
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,600
Right, we're locked in here,
and me and you,

499
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,440
we have to find out how to
get out together.

500
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:19,720
I left the baby
sleeping in the car, you idiot!

501
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:21,960
Oh, shit...

502
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,760
Oh, no...

503
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:26,520
Uh! How am I going to get this key
outta me?

504
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:28,680
Ooh, I could cook us some more of
that chicken.

505
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:31,000
I think that's too soon, don't you?
Yeah, you're right.

506
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,640
Bit raw.
I'm sorry, I didn't...

507
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,040
Right...

508
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:36,560
All right, I'll pick the lock.

509
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:37,840
That is why I love you.

510
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:40,840
Yes, but I don't want to be doing
this shit any more!

511
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,320
Are you coming or what?

512
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,280
No, go on. You crack on.
I'll be there in a sec.

513
00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,480
You are joking?

514
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,200
Unbelievable.

515
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,080
Wait, Kayleigh! I'm sorry!

516
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,640
COUGHING

517
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:00,520
Warren?

518
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,560
What you doing?
Who's Warren?

519
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:04,080
I'm wee Sol.

520
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,480
I'm the vicar's bastard
with my kinky legs.

521
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,120
My father sent me down with
a wicker basket on the river!

522
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:12,000
Oh, the trauma! I still have
nightmares of the river!

523
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,840
The swish and the swoosh!
The swish and the swoosh!

524
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:16,720
Um, sir?

525
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,040
What do I do about this?

526
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,200
Get rid of it? Abort! Abort!

527
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,560
Ooh, I'd sell me soul for a hot pie.

528
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:25,400
Warren, go away!

529
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,920
Mitchell, no!

530
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:29,080
Yes! Shut up and get back
in the closet!

531
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,680
You all right, babe?

532
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,800
Been there long?
Let's see.

533
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,760
I saw you kick the crutches
out from under him.

534
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:40,760
I heard you tell that poor girl
to abort her baby,

535
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,200
and since when have you been
a massive homophobe?

536
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:45,040
Look, it's not like that.

537
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:46,760
LOCKER CLATTERS

538
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,960
Can I have some money for drugs
please, Sir?

539
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,960
I'll dance for you.
Oh...

540
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:55,280
Listen, don't run after me, yeah?
We're done.

541
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:56,920
No, babe, babe!

542
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:01,560
Shit!

543
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:04,360
Headie One, by Princess Cuts
Ft. Young T & Bugsey

544
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:09,800
CAR LOCK SYSTEM BEEPS

545
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,760
Hey, Kayleigh!

546
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,560
This was all my fault.

547
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,720
I stuck Warren on crutches and
I put a baby in Usma.

548
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:18,440
Ooh, not like that, eww.
Eww...

549
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:20,080
Stephen, just stop!

550
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:21,680
This is all my fault.

551
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:23,760
It always is.
You should take him back.

552
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:28,040
Can't lie,
Mitchell Harper's a good guy.

553
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:32,120
Yeah. Today Sir gave me loads of
vintage sportswear, for no reason.

554
00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:33,800
It don't fit no more.

555
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,160
Put on a bit of weight since
I was 16. I mean, who hasn't?

556
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:39,680
I haven't. Mr Harper lets me
skip PE without a doctor's note.

557
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,440
And he got me this sick fake ID.

558
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:42,640
Well, I...

559
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,880
He makes me breakfast every day.
Right, come on, you lot.

560
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,120
Ain't you got somewhere to be?
Nah, I want to tell them.

561
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:49,040
My mum's holding down two jobs

562
00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,360
and there's still not always
food in the fridge.

563
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:54,200
Sir saw what was going on but
he didn't make a big deal out of it.

564
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,240
He just started bringing me
breakfast every day.

565
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:57,880
I had no idea you were doing that.

566
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:00,120
I only get her breakfast because
she's a right crack-on

567
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:02,040
when she's hungry. Stop!

568
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,080
Listen to what they're saying!

569
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,640
You've got this fixed idea
of who you are -

570
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:08,200
Mitchell Harper,

571
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:09,320
melt.

572
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,120
You even freaked out when I said I
wanted to work on our relationship.

573
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:14,480
Cos you just... You always write
yourself off

574
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:17,720
when you're a good guy, OK?
And you're a good dad,

575
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,960
and...you're a good...teacher.

576
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,920
And you're kind,

577
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:29,560
and that is what I love about you.

578
00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:35,120
Go on, then!

579
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:36,800
Hey, hey!

580
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:39,080
I love you too!

581
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,720
Wow!

582
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,200
I did all of this!

583
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:43,520
I have a gift!

584
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:45,520
Come on, you lot! Get in here!

585
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,800
And you're welcome round my place
as long as you like.

586
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,160
Any time. Oh, cheers, mate.

587
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:55,400
EXPLOSION

588
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:56,880
Oh, shit...
FIRE ALARM BLARES

589
00:26:56,880 --> 00:27:00,000
..must have burnt the Pot Noodle!
Mitchell!

590
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,560
Mr Harper,
give me one good reason

591
00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:05,560
why I shouldn't make your life
very difficult.

592
00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:08,640
Cos we know who you are,
Scarlett McCrimson.

593
00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:10,360
Yeah, busted!

594
00:27:10,360 --> 00:27:11,880
You fancy Sir, innit?

595
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,320
Mr Harper? Me?
Oh, no, no, no.

596
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:15,920
Why not? What's wrong with him?

597
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,920
Oh, nothing. No, a sizeable
demographic pay good money

598
00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:22,960
to read about rough-hewn working
men, Giuseppe Publico.

599
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:24,680
I simply saw a gap in the market.

600
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,560
So you was just pimping him out
in book form

601
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:29,760
for like Inchez's mum?

602
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,120
Oi!

603
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:33,080
And what were you going to
do when I found out?

604
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:34,800
Honestly, I assumed

605
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:36,440
you couldn't read.

606
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:38,080
So how about this?

607
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,280
We won't publish our story in
the school newspaper...

608
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:41,720
Or press charges.

609
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,400
And you walk away!

610
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:52,040
Go on! Walk away!

611
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:53,280
Bye-bye!

612
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:55,040
Period! Ha-ha!

613
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:56,520
Oh, my God.

614
00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:58,440
That was amazing.

615
00:27:58,440 --> 00:27:59,800
SHE CHUCKLES

616
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:01,880
Shame about the coursework,
though, innit?

617
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:03,480
Hey, wait, no.

618
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:05,240
We're pulling an all-nighter.

619
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:07,040
We'll come up with something
for the paper.

620
00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:09,560
I've got a Thermos of hot Bovril
with your name on it.

621
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:10,960
Let's do it!

622
00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:14,640
Yoo-hoo! Hello, darling.

623
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:16,480
I hope you're peckish.

624
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:19,280
Oh, not tonight, Mum.
It's all taken care of.

625
00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:20,840
My treat.
DOORBELL RINGS

626
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:23,160
Hope you're hungry!

627
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:24,960
Oh... Oi-oi!

628
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:26,440
Hi!

629
00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:29,240
Look, our boiler's broke and
you did say we could stay any time.

630
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:31,720
All right if we crash for a week?
His nappy needs changing.

631
00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:33,440
BABY WAILS