Fantasy by Mariah Carey
LAUGHS
All right, mate?
"All right"?
"Mate"?
Hello!
Have you forgotten a very important anniversary?
Has it already been a year since John Barrowman accidentally
liked your tweet? Wasn't an accident and no.
Bow down, bitches! The birthday queen has arrived!
Oh, God, yes! How did I forget?
Happy birthday! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Don't crease me.
I've been up since 5am getting ready.
It is a big one, after all. What? 27?
My magnesium jubilee.
Many icons die at 27.
You'll be all right, then.
Anyway, I'm celebrating as well.
Got me first pay cheque.
Yeah, I'm going to get my boy his first whip. Whip?
His pram. The PramPush 6000 with AI capability and temperature control.
Do you know the best bit about it all?
It's only 1,500 quid, hey-hey!
Have you won the lottery?
You know you're legally obliged to tell me if you have. No.
I'm just a top-notch geezer working hard at the old G-O-B.
Unsurprisingly for a man that does not know how to spell job,
I don't think you get it.
Let's have a rumble through your pigeon hole. Whoa!
I know it's your birthday but we're just friends, yeah?
Oh...
What the...?
What sort of a cheque is this? A reality check.
How am I meant to live on that?
I don't even want a pension.
I'm here for a good time, not a long one.
Err... Where are all my birthday cards? What the hell is this?
Reality check, birthday queen.
Oh...
BEATBOXING
# Inches in my zone I'm a soldier coming home
# I'm on my phone Ring-ring, I'm on road
# Nine inches
# Nine inches... #
Class K!
Now for safety reasons I do not want to cause a stampede,
so form an orderly queue - gifts on the left, cards on the right,
and, oh, cute idea, when I call out the register,
you reply with your favourite outfit or memory of me.
Sir, sir!
I'm so sorry I'm late.
# Time flies for everyone except for you
# And that's why you have
# A playing age of 14 to 19. #
Why you kissing his arse for?
Blessing, it's his birthday!
Oh!
At least Warren remembered.
Come on, presents.
Um...
Actually, sir, I still need to add a few final touches.
A home-made present?
Oh, God, might as well go and join the 27 club now!
How can you all have forgotten my birthday?
I'm sorry, sir. We were distracted by London Fashion Week.
Which was last week. You're going to need a better excuse than that.
No, he means the school trip, sir.
Hoburn ran a young enterprise competition and the winning
class got a field trip to LFW.
Now I know our class had the best idea, but Class A won!
It's a fix. Innit?
We made the most P but they had that environmentally friendly flex.
Um, hello? Our waxing salon was environmentally friendly.
The environment of Abbey Grove no longer has hairy-legged bitches!
Class A protested.
They got us penalised for not promoting "natural beauty"...
The shame. Stop! What is Class A?
They're all activists and entrepreneurs.
They don't study drama.
They don't think it's relevant during the unfolding
ecological crisis.
Even Leonardo DiCaprio's doing less acting now that he's saving
the planet. Oh, my God, sir! 27? You're officially too old for Leo.
Oh, please.
He'd have kicked me out of bed two years ago.
I've made peace with that. I'm not being funny, sir.
I admire you for trying but there are Little Britain sketches
that have aged better than you.
Do you have any idea what Abbey Grove was like ten years ago, hmm?
You're wrong because I got my ass up and walked!
I was a trailblazer!
Was! I'm sorry...
Do you lot think you're more iconic than me?
She's not talking about us.
She means Class A. They're the real trailblazers now.
Oh, please.
I'll show them trailblazing in an unfolding ecological crisis.
Do you even know what that means? Um...
Something to do with dinosaurs? You're the dinosaur, mate.
I didn't hear that. Hard when the hearing goes.
Excellent.
You can expect me later.
I'll be bringing my finest Class As.
No, there's no student called Charlie in Class A.
Oh, there is an Indigo, though, with 50,000 followers.
One post from her and your business could be firmly on the map.
Excuse me. HE CLAPS
Bravo.
They said you were as funny as a power cut in a hospital,
but this is top-bins banter.
I'll call you back.
Where is my real payslip?
Mr Harper, I am trying to organise a field trip,
and I've lost a lunch monitor.
Mr Bingham claims he accidentally spiralised his finger
due to exhaustion.
I suspected he mangled himself on purpose to get out of another
works drink with Fraser. Yeah.
We're all stressed, Bernie.
Where's my bunse?
You're right. There is a mistake. Ha! Knew it.
We've overpaid you. What? Yes, don't worry.
The extra £73 can be deducted from your next pay cheque.
Miss, my kid needs a pram. He ain't going to be able to walk
till he's, like, two months or something.
If you're going to survive on a teacher's salary,
you're going to have to get creative. What do you mean?
Well, for example I sell embroidered inspirational quotes
from Kirstie Allsopp.
Is there much demand for that? Not really.
Here, do lunch monitors get paid? Just about.
Tell payroll to transfer the cash to my account by end of play.
So this is the elite.
What am I supposed to learn from these neutral-tone tree huggers?
They're social media justice warriors.
That's why Hoburn lets them get what they want.
One tweet and the whole school's going down.
Err... Like when Kylie Jenner tweeted about Snapchat?
Now you're getting it.
Indigo on the left there was the first to use pronouns in her bio.
I was the second. Early adopter.
She never even thanked me, to my relief.
I would've hated it to look like formative allegiance.
Oh... Pfft!
Indigo's besties with Kate Moss now. They met on socials.
Kate Moss? Mm-hm. Like THE Kate Moss?
She's the new face of Indigo's campaign to ban nuts
from all public spaces. Indigo has a nut allergy.
I didn't actually hear back when I offered to get behind it,
which, again, absolutely fine.
Then there's Peace in the middle. East?
No, Peace is her name.
She rode a kayak along the Grand Union Canal.
To highlight child poverty,
and then Little Simz asked her to DJ at her birthday.
None of these words are adding up.
I don't see anything special, certainly not trailblazing.
Who the frock is that?
Their business teacher, Mx Carmine.
Imagine - a teacher at Abbey Grove with a gender-neutral identity.
That is trailblazing. Mm-hm.
Irie!
What in the non-denomination hell
is that string vest?
Sh! Jemima, I've got this.
Sit down, relax and watch me change the game.
What do you think of the Seg-desk Mark II?
I call her the Smegway.
"Tringaling rice and pea"?
Fraser, what is going on here?
It's Caribbean week at Abbey Grove, hence my rice and pea tea.
This is cultural appropriation!
For the nation! My bad. I couldn't resist.
This is serious, Mr Fraser!
We can't ignore your crimes against the Caribbean.
Silence is violence.
Jemima, I've got this!
We are detoxifying this canteen!
You, kitchen, now!
And lose the string vest!
Word. Oh...
Nothing to see here.
Just revolutionising the canteen!
Oh, cute look!
LOUD CLATTER
Paprika? Stolen from Mexico.
Cinnamon? Stolen from Sri Lanka.
Potatoes. Offensive to so many people.
That's like if colonialism was a carb.
Cauliflower? Unmyelinated broccoli.
Bin. Please, I beg you, use some flavour.
Even if it's stolen. It's nearly lunch.
Ah! It's the principle. Come on, Stephen.
People still talk about my infamous sushi surprise.
That's because the surprise was you served it off Mrs Mollinson.
You wanted something authentic for the opening night of your
one-man Madame Butterfly... Sh!
I've deleted all evidence of that play. It was a different time.
People didn't like where I put the pickled ginger.
Mollinson loved where I put the wasabi.
Oi, this fridge is full of gammon!
Bin! There can be nothing problematic in this kitchen!
Oi, oi, Marco Pierre Wanker.
Get your hand off your sausage! Meet your new lunch monitor!
Yes! No, not the plum.
You don't have to be mad to work here but if you are, don't bother
putting it on the application because we turn a blind eye
to psychiatric evaluations.
Jesus, Fraser, what is that? It's rank.
I don't know why it keeps curdling.
It's just turnips and rainwater.
Ah! Don't blame us.
They're the only Anglo-Saxon ingredients in this kitchen.
Look, I'm doing my best.
It may surprise you to learn that I've got absolutely no formal
training whatsoever.
Sir, the hotplate's on fire!
Quick, oil down the flames!
Blanket roll! A blanket will only make it warmer.
Ugh!
No, no...
I am out.
There's got to be an easier way to get this pram. Suit yourself.
But change is happening here.
Cultural appropriation is off the menu at Abbey Grove, thanks to...
..moi.
I am living for these Union Jacks.
It's giving Geri Halliwell.
This smells like arse.
You know what? We want spice!
We want spice!
We want spice! We want spice!
Oi, Blessing, I've got a business proposal for ya.
Me and you can make a killing selling scran at this school.
Isn't that what the canteen's for?
No! Never! I'm British.
That means British food of British origin.
Just season the food!
If you don't like it, I vote you leave.
Oh, my God!
This isn't Halliwell! It's giving Farage!
And this is why I no longer talk to white dinner ladies about race.
Boo! Boo!
BOOING
Great.
So not only are we not cool, but the cool kids hate us.
Well, it's not my fault Fraser's beyond help.
Exactly! This isn't our fault.
We are the product of a broken system!
Exactly, and I went to this school too and I'm just a product of
my environment!
We need to, erm, double down and, erm, detoxify Abbey Grove!
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
No, never.
To the library!
Come on, Mr Fraser.
Looks like you need a sweet cup of strong tea.
English breakfast?
So...
Tell me about this hustle.
BLOWS WHISTLE
Right! Listen up, lads and ladettes.
The food gets delivered here.
Now, it ain't on school property, so if anyone moans, they can do one.
You bring it back in through the hole in the fence...
..here.
Then you lot deliver it to the punters.
Now, this next bit is the most important bit.
- Two words. - Delivery surcharge.
Non-negotiable.
It's our turf now the canteen's been cancelled.
And the money comes straight to me and Blessing.
No skimming for yourselves, cos if you do, we will find out
and you will get detention.
I can do that.
Any questions?
Good.
Off you go.
Impressive.
I rule by fear.
MIMICS RINGING NOISE
Two katsu curries, yeah?
1989 by Aitch
Fraser has been filling our stomachs with problematic trash
and this school has been filling our minds with it, too.
Why should the library be full of crusty old white men?
Follow my lead, children, and free your minds.
Pride And Prejudice?
That's got prejudice in it and they're proud?
Get it in the bin!
Oh, I am going to give this library a colonic!
Sir, I think you actually mean you're going to decolonise it.
Same thing.
LOUD BANG Shhh!
Sir, you're so dead. Even randos are shushing you.
I will not be silenced, you old hag!
Oooh, and that's the school librarian.
Oh... Oi, sir.
This book has a guy turning people's water into wine at a party.
Spiking people's drinks? Very, very sus.
Bin!
Anything on animal cruelty?
Found a book called How To Kill A Mockingbird.
Disgusting! Bin!
Sir, do you actually know what you're doing here?
Um, yes.
Making real change, unlike Class A with, what was it,
a nut allergy campaign? I mean, please.
Right, but I was just thinking about the next steps, and are we going
to flood the library with under-represented
Black minority ethnic, female, nonbinary LGBTQIA+ authors?
Even better...
..we're going to have a bonfire.
Yes, I love bonfires!
Just here's perfect.
How's my lighting? Cute.
Hey, Indigo.
Hey.
That's what I'm saying! Man's got that good man munch.
Come... Bye, sir.
Good luck with, um... whatever this is.
Oi, sir! Where's my katsu curry?
I suppose I should have assumed the boys would bail.
Now it's up to us to do the work, girlies.
Slight patriarchal infantilisation of women there, sir.
Mmm-hmm! Now, big smiles.
It's time I make a stand for the under-represented.
I hereby free Abbey Grove of intellectual oppression!
Ah!
I'm not sure if anyone cares, sir.
Yeah, well, whatevs.
With the right hashtags it could still go viral.
Jinxy, my love? Spell patriarchal for me. Thank you, girlie.
MIMICS BIRD CALL
Here she comes! Look at her!
What the hell is going on?
Miss Hoburn! For far too long, this school's curriculum...
Where did you get these takeaways?
They're forbidden on school grounds!
Ooh, Class A. Sorry, I didn't see you there.
And don't forget, 2pm for our trip to London Fashion Week.
It's going to do me the world of good.
I mean, it will do you, you guys, the world of good.
It'll do the world some...
..some good. Um, girl with bags!
Here...
..now!
When I was headmaster I spent every day asking for forgiveness,
not permission. In retrospect that was the problem.
So you WERE headmaster.
We always thought that was some kind of urban legend.
I don't even know where to begin.
Start at the very beginning.
A public apology can go a long way.
When I was 18 I took my first sip of Red Stripe and legally
changed my name to Shaquille Barrington Rusty Lee Fraser.
It just felt right. OK. I'm just going to stop you there.
I think maybe we should avoid digging ourselves a deeper hole.
My list of crimes is endless.
I admit to moussaka Mondays, chow mein Tuesdays...
Again, maybe we could just address today's miscommunications.
You just need to speak from the heart.
Look at all that lovely money. Let's have a look.
Looks like you mans need to refund me on my food!
What you bunnying on about?
Bollocks!
What are we going to do now?
We can't get the food in through the fence.
What you looking at?
Sometimes you've got to spend money to make money.
Yes! We're going to get our Wagamama's.
I can already taste the chicken katsu!
Sir, are you sure this is going to work?
Hoburn is going to spot this in no time.
Yeah, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Anyway, she should be the first person to encourage our...
..en...entr...
..orangeneurial...enpreturn...
Entrepreneurial spirit? Exactly.
She's the one organising trips to London Fashion Week for Class A.
I told you, London Fashion Week was last week,
and you lot think I'm out of touch?
She must be taking them somewhere else.
No, it was definitely there.
Something about a sponsorship deal for the school,
new uniforms and shit. Google it.
Honestly, I had no idea trailblazing was this hard.
I mean, back in the day just being me was enough.
Giving a shit is exhausting.
No! Pretending to give a shit is exhausting!
Just give up, sir, man. Who even cares?
Nobody. That's the point!
My whole career could be thrown into irrelevance if Class A have
their way - all washed up at 26.
Aren't you 27 today?
Don't make things worse.
Yo, it's Fraser.
Class A are going to hate this.
Drag her!
BOOING Get him out!
Get him out! Get him out!
HECKLING
Guys, guys, OK. I deserve that.
But I have prepared some food for thought,
and I only ask that you find it in your hearts to digest...
..it.
I now see I took it too far.
Were the steel drums too far? Of course.
The kimonos - inappropriate, yes.
What I saw as cultural appreciation
was actually appropriation,
for until I have carried other people's burden,
who am I to carry their curry?
Who am I to pound their yam, man?
Who am I to griddle their gyoza, oza, oza, oza...?
I'm so sorry.
I love a string vest as much as the next man and slam poetry
significantly more than him.
I see now I can no longer love those things in quite the same way.
And so from this day onwards, I will only cook dishes requested
by you, the people.
Thank you.
CHEERING
Well done, sir.
Ah...
What parallel universe am I living in?
Like, what is going on here?
Err...actual growth and accountability.
Err, I'll show you actual growth and accountability.
Look, London Fashion Week WAS last week.
Hoburn has taken her class to some fast-fashion outlet store,
London Fashion Weak, W-E-A-K.
You lot dodged a bullet.
This is not happening, over my dead body.
Sir, I beg you, man!
Can't you just donate to Greenpeace or some old-people shit like that?
This is something that I'm really passionate about.
Fast fashion is really bad for the environment.
Plus, Emma Thompson backed Extinction Rebellion and her career
really started to take off.
She had won a Bafta by 27.
Get glueing!
He-he!
Nearly there, sir! I think this might be your finest moment.
Hey, focus, sir. It's so close.
Shit, the wind's taken it!
Class A, right. Just a quick heads-up.
When I said London Fashion Week, it's going to be very much
a sort of very behind the scenes-y sort of thing,
but, no, turn these frowns upside down,
because we need you looking picture perfect
so we can secure this partnership deal for the school.
Ah, you lost it, sir! Give me that!
Nah, nah, nah! I've got it coming back! Look, look, look!
All right, bring it here! Yeah, bring it back!
Come on, let's just get it, man. Come, come, come!
Hurry up!
Oh, no, that's Hoburn!
What the...?
Ugh! What is she doing? That's not right.
She's getting her toes out! How big are her feet?
Yes! Ah...
Splashback!
Indigo! Are you all right?
Oh, that's not even katsu curry. That's chicken satay.
Oh, my...
Satay! Quick, let's get you in the minibus!
What about us?
You don't have a world-famous nut allergy.
Do you have one of those little stabby pens?
Well, waste not, want not.
What the hell, man?
ENGINE STARTS Everyone out of my way!
HORN BEEPS
Get out of the way, you blithering idiot!
Ha! London Fashion Week! Nice try.
LFW is a fast-fashion outlet store spewing out cheap
and unenvironmental trash!
Just move!
No, never! This trip is unethical!
Oh! I need to take this child to hospital!
Huh? I need to take Indigo to hospital
and her life is of significantly more value than yours.
HORN BEEPS
Come on, sir! Get up!
I'll give you to the count of three. One...
Come on, sir, get up!
Help! Cut me out!
Two... Why, oh, why did they choose the pizza cutter?
Fraser! Come on, quick!
Three!
Agh!
ENGINE REVS
Jesus!
Whoa!
What are you wearing, sir?
Come in, sir.
Look...
I need to say something first.
I was terrified about getting old
and I know it's not about how we look...
Please just shut up and go inside.
Surprise!
You guys!
Obviously, sir, you're bear annoying and you've never taken the register
or taught us anything from the GCSE syllabus
and you tend to offend us all daily,
and I know way more about musical theatre
than I would've ever wanted. But...
But, obviously, we love you just the way you are, innit?
And I love you guys, too.
Class As will come and go, but Class K has no competition.
Oh, I love you guys!
EXCITED CHATTER
Let's get the tunes on!
Woo!
Wagwan, face-ache?
What was I thinking? I spent all my pram money on a drone.
I'm going to be a shit dad.
You'll be all right. I do think you're going to be a good dad.
I've had a sick time hanging out with you. Yeah?
Yeah! I wouldn't have continued to make a loss
if I wasn't having a laugh.
Plus, I've managed to pull a few strings.
Oh, my God, Blessing, where did you get this?
Come on, sir! You've raised me better than to reveal my hustle.
I'm proud of you! Love it!
It's even got a beer holder!
I think that's for the bottle, sir.
Oh.
# I already feel like doing it again, honey
# Cos once you know, then you know
# And you don't wanna go
# Back to wherever it is that you come from, yeah
# I just want to stay high with you. #
Sir, sir! Hmm? What?
Indigo just told me that LFW is just a rebranded sweatshop in
Milton Keynes!
See! I knew it.
See, there's one thing I know - it's fashion,
and drama.
And fashion drama.
I guess that's three things.
Sir, they can't believe you did what you did.
You stood up to Hoburn.
Now, that's trailblazing.
Oh...! Also...
Indigo just followed me on Instagram! Aaah!
Ooh, no, no, play it cool, play it cool.
Whatever, like, durr...
Hey, Stranger Tings!
The people have spoken and I have listened.
Back by popular demand, and now that fun is back on the menu,
I present
my meat pinata.
Yes!
Bagsy the tail!
That's not a tail.
Once you're finished with this,
I'll bring in Mollinson with the smorgasbord.
I've hidden a pickled gherkin for one lucky diner.
MUSIC STARTS
Cut the music.
Today has been a roller-coaster.
I got so caught up in trying to be relevant that I forgot what was
relevant to me -
my colleagues and my students,
who are more like family.
I also realised that I'm perfect just the way I am...
..and I don't need to change.
Go on, Stephen!
And on that note, Mr Carmichael,
let me present to you your birthday present.
Ooh!
Wait one second.
ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS
OK...
So far it's giving funeral, but we move.
Well, I'm glad you like it.
I found some old videotapes in a box.
They were buried, actually, in the back of the school archives.
STEPHEN SPLUTTERS
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, my God!
It's Madame Butterfly!