- ♪ MTV ♪
- Previously on "All Stars"...
- Heidi, why did I hear you went to Jimbo
and told her that I'm coming for her?
- Because you did.
- That is wild to me.
I just hope you didn't plant seeds here
in people's heads that are going
to grow as the competition moves forward.
I'm not really sure where I stand in my alliance
with Jimbo.
You just never know if one of these girls
is going to be holding grudges against you.
- For this week's Maxi Challenge,
starting from scratch, you need to transform these materials
into your own signature look that screams,
"I'm a winner, baby."
- Designing challenges, they are my favorite.
- I am very sarcastic right now.
- If you do win tonight, don't forget about me.
- I won't. You know I won't.
- Listen, baby. - I told you I wouldn't.
- I know that Alexis is gonna have my back,
because last week I saved her.
- Alexis Michelle.
- Alexis, this is what we call a glow up.
This is perfection.
- Kandy Muse. - Hi.
- The fit is a little off for me, Kandy.
The length is an odd length.
- LaLa Ri.
- If you're going to have one sleeve, call me dramatic,
but it should have like a flare going on,
a little something, as opposed
to a simple 3/4 length.
- Kandy Muse, LaLa Ri,
I'm sorry, my dears, but you are
the bottom two All Stars of the week.
- Alexis Michelle.
Condragulations, you're the top All Star of the week.
- Yes. - Thank you.
- It's time to present this week's
Lip Sync Assassin.
[dramatic music]
[all screaming]
[upbeat music]
Alexis Michelle, condragulations,
you're a winner, baby. - Yes.
- Thank you.
- You've won a cash tip of $10,000.
Which queen have you chosen to give the chop?
- Unfortunately, the queen I'm sending home tonight...
[dramatic music]
Is LaLa.
- LaLa Ri, you're leaving us tonight,
but the Fame Games have just begun.
Now sashay away.
- Bye.
[upbeat music]
- Ooh, baby. - Ugh.
- Top four, bitches. - Top four.
- Yes, we're the top four.
- Come on, you're blind.
- I am the top All Star of the week.
Yes, finally! Ah!
LaLa.
I feel 100% like a winner, baby.
This is wonderful foreshadowing for what's coming at the end
of this competition.
Baby, I had the time of my life.
I love you all, xoxo, LaLa Ri.
I'm stealing everything.
[laughter]
You will be sorely missed. - I miss her already.
- Right? Me too.
Each week has been difficult voting,
but this felt like the hardest one because of the two of you
and how you've both performed in this competition
and I had nothing to divide you.
- I'm happy that Kandy is staying,
but also I'm very sad to see LaLa Ri go.
Because baby, I'm in love with the LaLa Ri experience.
- LaLa Ri experience. - LaLa Ri experience.
- Now and forever.
- Ay.
- Baby, there's room for everyone now on these couches.
- I know. It's like a love seat now.
- One for me and one for my ego. [laughs]
- No, you need two for your ego.
[all scream]
Alexis, congratulations.
Your first win. - Yes!
- Miss Alexis.
- Maybe you should've waited for winning.
- In the words of Lizzo, it's about damn time,
and I feel like I'm standing on more,
you know, solid and common ground
with all of you. - And you won the lip sync.
- Yeah. - That's not luck.
- What does it feel like?
- Oh. - Aw.
- How was it? Like, you know, I blacked out.
- It was good. - You were great.
- I couldn't see. [laughter]
- But let me tell you this.
It was great to see Kandy in the bottom.
[laughter]
But I think now we need to find out if everybody
agree with your decision.
- Oh, baby, it's my first time having this box.
- It's your turn.
- Turn it up.
- How do you open this shit?
- Oh, she can't open the box either.
It's not just Kahanna.
- This is-- what the fuck is this?
- There's a small--
- Here.
- OK, here we go.
Oh!
- OK.
- One for LaLa.
- OK.
- Two for LaLa.
- Perfect.
- Three for LaLa. - Aww.
- And one for me.
So I'm going to assume that the Kandy is from LaLa.
- Yes.
- So that the other three are from myself,
Jimbo, and Jessica.
- I can't imagine a day without my Kandy.
[laughs]
- She's got a sweet tooth. - Yeah.
- Well, actually, I couldn't see the lipsticks,
and I thought I picked Kandy.
[laughter]
So this is really awkward.
- Having the competition almost ripped out of your hands
that quick was just something I'm like,
I don't want to land anywhere near that ever again
in my entire life.
No.
- And you thought that Alexis was going to save you
or to send you home? - My mind was like racing.
Fuck, she gonna pick me right now.
I'm going to go home.
I'm about to cry in front of all these people.
I was so shocked when you said LaLa.
I was like... [gasps]
Fuck. Grateful, of course.
So thank you.
- I thought you told LaLa you weren't
going to send her home.
- I didn't promise.
I just told her that I would never forget
what she did for me and I never will.
And you know, I hope and pray
that she will be a sister forever and maybe even more.
- Ooh! - Oh!
- Like I said, everything felt so balanced
between the two of you, and, you know,
when we were talking, you told me what you told me,
and you know what you told me,
and you know I know what that means.
- [gasps] - Yeah.
Alexis said she would keep me if I made her
a promise if we were ever in a position,
I would not vote for her.
- If you were to stay,
like, would we be looking out for each other?
- The reality is only one person wins this competition,
but that doesn't mean that two people that
come from the same place can't look out
for one another going forward.
- I hear you.
- Obviously to keep my ass here, I said yes.
Duh. - What's all these secrets?
[tense music]
I only made two alliances in this competition,
one with Heidi, one with Kandy.
But it seems like Kandy's making deals.
She's working the sisters.
But hey, as long as she's not working me, I'm fine.
- All right, bitches. I don't know about y'all,
but I am mentally, physically drained.
So let's get out of drag.
- [grunting]
- Can somebody help this old queen from season two?
I had to wait 13 years to be here
and now I am in the top four.
Oh, my God, this is a dream come true.
- Oh, twirl, bitch.
- I have no panty. [laughter]
I feel the crown in Jessica Wild's future.
- Nite.
- And I'm not going to slow down until I have it.
- Ew, oh. [laughs]
- It's Jessica Wild's crown.
I love it.
[dramatic music]
- Oh! Ew!
[upbeat music]
- ♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪
The winner of "RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars"
receives a one-year supply
of Anastasia Beverly Hills cosmetics,
a coveted spot in the "Drag Race" Hall of Fame,
and a cash prize of $200,000,
with extra-special guest judge Thom Filicia.
♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪
♪ May the best drag queen win ♪
♪ Best drag queen win ♪
[bombastic music]
- Top four!
[all cheering] - Top four!
- Here we are. - Yes.
- Whoo!
- I remember this feeling from season 13
and it feels so good!
We're in the top four.
That means we're at the homestretch
of the competition.
And baby, I'm feeling refreshed.
Whatever happened last week, I was in the bottom.
We don't care.
We're not bringing that negative energy into today.
Arr!
Whatever challenge RuPaul throws at us,
I am ready for it.
It is so empty in here.
- I think I'm going to like it here.
- It's like our own talk show.
- It really is. - Yeah.
- What would we call our talk show?
- The Clap.
- Oof. - [laughs]
- That's good. I just got rid of the clap,
but I'll get it back again.
[laughter]
- Hello, hello, hello. [all scream]
- Mama!
- My queens,
you know, all too often, we overlook
the greatness that is right in front of us.
Today I want to shine a light on
television pioneer Carson Kressley.
- Oh. - [laughs]
- As the star of the original "Queer Eye,"
Carson not only gave us the word "zhuzh,"
he busted down doors for LGBTQ people everywhere
and help paved the way for shows like "Drag Race."
In addition to being an Emmy award winning host,
Carson is an accomplished equestrian,
a best-selling author,
and someone I feel fortunate to call my friend.
Now the time has come to pay tribute to Carson
in the way that only my All Stars can.
I want you to read him for mothertucking filth.
- Ah!
- So for this week's Maxi Challenge,
we ain't roasting no pig.
We ain't roasting chestnuts on an open fire.
We are roasting Carson Kressley.
[laughter]
Oh, and don't forget the other judges and each other.
Because in this roast, everyone gets burned.
How much for one rib?
#AllStars8.
Later today, you'll workshop your jokes
with Michelle Visage
and the co-host of the official
RuPaul's Drag Race podcast, "Squirrel Friends."
I'm talking about Alec Mapa.
- Oh. - Yes.
- Alexis Michelle,
since you won last week's Maxi Challenge,
you get to decide the performance order for the roast.
All Stars, start your engines,
and may the best drag queen win.
- Yes. - Yes.
[applause]
- All right. - Yes.
- We're going to do a roast. I'm hungry.
- This week's Maxi Challenge is the Carson Kressley roast.
Ugh, I am so excited to be doing a roast.
I won my last roast.
Y'all, RuPaul is so old,
"Jurassic Park" brought back memories.
[laughter]
I am ready to set the stage on fire.
What the fuck is an "esquatarian"?
- What the hell's a pescatarian?
- An "esquatarian."
- OK, an equestrian
is a word for a horse lover.
- Mm.
A horse lover.
- Yeah, so he loves horses.
- An equestrian.
I don't know what that word means because I'm not rich.
You know how rich you have to be to take up a hobby
with playing with horses?
Have you ever done a roast before?
- I one time was invited to a Polish pig roast.
- [laughs] I'm gonna take that as a no.
- Jimbo.
- Yeah? - This is my first roast too.
Usually my jokes are about myself.
- Hm. - I don't like to hurt people
to make them laugh.
You know, it's going to be like, Jessica, this is not funny.
This is cruel. This is rude, you know?
- You have to find that balance.
When you're apologetic about your jokes,
we don't want to laugh at that.
- You've got to go hard. - Yeah.
- Let's see, because I want to win.
[laughs] - Yeah?
- We have a lot of work to do,
because we are roasting Carson,
the other judges, and also each other.
And I need to figure out how to roast them
without attacking them,
but also I'm going to attack them.
- I wish it were my first roast.
[laughs]
- Oh, you did it on your season.
- Yeah, it was Michelle Visage. - Yes.
You were green.
- Green and Michelle?
Wow, you know, that was a challenge.
- That was hard.
I am excited and scared.
The roast didn't go so hot for me last time.
In honor of your big night,
I wore your favorite color, girl.
[giggles] Um...
It's actually an advantage, I think,
to have made a mistake,
because it helps you learn how to press forward.
- Yeah. - So why did the elephant
have three blue shoes and one green shoe?
He forgot to lift his leg when he peed.
- [low whistle] - [chuckles]
Wait, do they pee blue?
- Yellow and blue make green.
- Oh.
- Know any good jokes?
- I'm sorry you didn't get it.
- The roast is a scary challenge.
- It sure is.
- It's almost scarier than the fucking Snatch Game actually.
- I think the difference between the Snatch Game
and this is, Snatch Game,
you are trying to stay in a character that you are not.
And that's make everything more complicated.
- Is everybody going to be themselves for the roast?
That's what I'm planning to do. - Yeah.
I think characters are fun, but being a character
and trying to make it funny,
that's double the shit on top of already
the hard shit you have to do.
- What about you, Jimbo?
- [laughs] I'm going to be a character.
- You are? - Yes.
I think I'm going to be Joan Rivers.
- Oh. - Oh.
- That's good.
- Bringing back your Snatch.
- Don't you talk about my mother like that.
- Your mother and I invented the Snatch Game, OK?
You missed your mother? Smell my goddamn fingers.
[laughs]
Joan Rivers is an iconic comedian.
She is an American treasure.
She is the perfect person to embody for a roast,
because she was not afraid to be shocking and nasty.
[as Joan] Nobody can roast like Joan.
- Do you think that the judges are going to clock you though
for always being a character and never just
like being just Jimbo?
- Jimbo is on the runway every night.
I like embodying characters when we're in a challenge,
because it's like an added layer that you can play with.
- Joan was literally one of the greatest insult comics ever.
And I know Jimbo can do Joan in Snatch Game.
But at a roast, she's got big shoes to fill.
♪ ♪
Sisters, come on over.
- ♪ Oh, Lord, here we go ♪
- Come gather around the cauldron.
Our roast order for Carson Kressley.
I will be starting us off.
Jessica is going to go second.
Miss Kandy will take number three.
- Kay. - And then Jimbo
is going to close us out.
- Whoo. - I had a great week last week.
I got to keep that momentum going.
So I really want to open this show.
I get the audience fresh, set the tone,
and make sure none of my jokes get used.
- So is any part of you doing it strategically to put me
at the end in case I choke,
it will make the choke even worse?
- My strategy in this is where I want to be.
- It turns out that I am going to be closing the show.
And it's a difficult place to be.
- Jimbo, this week is going to be interesting for you.
Because if you do really well... - Yeah.
- It'll be your fourth time winning a challenge.
But if you don't, it could be your first time in the bottom.
- Well, I don't plan to prepare a bottom presentation.
- Work.
- Yes. - Fierce.
- I refuse to fuck this up.
Because at this point in the competition,
I have never been in the bottom
and now would be a really bad time
for this good streak to end.
- So a little roast moment.
- Yeah, you just catching on?
[laughter]
- [laughs] [ding]
- [laughs]
- Oh, Jessica. [all cheering]
[speaks Spanish] - Hola.
My two favorite in one room.
- Oh, sure.
You say that to all the queens.
- No.
It's time to workshop my comedy routine
with Michelle Visage and Alec Mapa.
- You look wonderful. - Thank you.
- Alec Mapa is one of my favorite comedians ever.
He was on "RuPaul's Drag Race" season two
as a judge in the Snatch Game.
And I fell in love immediately.
- Is comedy something you do in your act?
- I think it comes natural after four shots.
[laughter]
- Do Puerto Rican Queens roast each other?
- You know, there's a line that you should not cross.
They cross every line that you aren't supposed to.
- OK. Well, then that's what this is.
- You want me to read like everything
and then you're gonna give me--
- Yeah, just give us what you got.
- OK. [sighs]
- [laughs]
- Good evening.
It's an honor for me to be at this amazing
Carson Kressley roast, because he literally
looks like a roasted chicken.
[laughter]
Behind that stiff face, there is
a big smile full of charisma.
He have a lot of uniqueness.
He proved that he have a lot of nerves and big balls
when he decided to participate in "Dancing With The Stars."
Last, but most important,
he makes us believe that he have talent.
- [laughs]
- So it's just tighten it so we don't get bored.
Charisma, bang. both: Uniqueness, bang.
- You're so sweet in your kind of natural delivery
of everything, which means you could get away with murder.
- [laughs]
- Don't be scared.
- It's hard for me. [laughs] Ay.
- Jessica's being too nice, which is death during a roast.
The whole point of a roast is to get
somebody and get them good.
That's what makes it funny.
- Cut deeper. OK?
- Yes.
- Kandy Muse. - Yay.
- Hi. - Kandy, you won your roast.
- Yes, I did.
- Does that put pressure on you?
- You know, I want to say it doesn't,
but that's a fucking lie.
It does, especially because I was in the bottom two
last week. - Right.
- So this week not only do I not want to land in the bottom
again, I also would like to win the roast again.
- Right, right, right.
- Well, we're looking forward to hearing what you got.
- I'm gonna start off with hello, everyone,
and Michelle Visage. - Mm-hmm.
- You know, Michelle, you are truly the greatest act
to come out of New Jersey
after Whitney Houston and Lauryn Hill
and Queen Latifah and Teresa Giudice.
- Teresa Giudice?
- You're putting Teresa Giudice before me, Kandy?
All right.
- The only thing that cries more than Alexis Michelle
is Ginger Minj at the buffet when the crab legs are done.
- Ooh! - [laughs]
- Make sure we hear that.
- You know, Carson, you and I have so much in common.
I love ketamine.
You're an-- how do you say that word?
Esque--
- Equestrian.
- Yeah.
- Listen to me. Breathe.
- Yes. I need to remember that.
- Yes. If we don't hear you, baby,
it ain't going to be funny.
- Sometimes I get excited, and I'm like, blah, blah, blah.
- Yeah, yeah.
I think my only note would be clarity.
- Yeah.
- And I would practice saying equestrian.
- Equestrian.
- Kandy knows how to read a bitch.
I think the only thing she needs to do is articulate.
She just needs to slow it down.
Not to change any of her Kandy Muse-isms,
but just for us to understand her better.
- I think what you need to work on is that pacing.
Enunciation.
- Enunciation. - Equestrian.
- Yeah.
- I know sometimes when I get really excited,
I can talk really fast.
See you tomorrow. - Bye.
- So I'm going to pace myself, I'm going to enunciate,
and I'm going to let time for the laugh to settle in.
Whew.
- [laughs] - Ah.
Look who's here.
- Hi.
- Hi, Alexis. - Hi.
Are you prepared? - Yes.
- We struggled a little bit.
- What are you talking about?
- Your last time. - [laughs]
- Yeah, not seeing it.
[laughter]
There's nowhere to go but up from there.
- That's a really good way to think.
- Yeah. - It is.
- All right, so hit it.
- You know, growing up I think that every little girl
wishes for nothing more in the world than a pony,
and Carson was no different.
[rattle]
How lucky you were to be born into a family of equestrians.
Those are people who ride horses.
And learn to ride you did.
But we are so glad that you're a fixture here at Drag Race
and love you and your passion for breeding horses
and for being bred by whores.
Mwah.
- Yay.
- I feel like this is a wedding toast a little bit, Alexis.
I think it was more storytelling
than it was roast.
And though we appreciate storytelling,
it has to be funny.
- There has to be a kind of attention driving it forward.
So all the setups need to be tightened up more.
- Think of editing, Alexis. - Yes.
- And roast.
- Alexis is going more of a storytelling route,
which is good if we're at a campfire.
But at this campfire, there needs to be a roast.
Put on your running shoes and get to the point.
- All right. Good luck. - Bye.
- Bye, honey. - Bye.
Yay. - Hello.
- Jimbo.
- Good afternoon.
It's nice to meet you.
- Have you ever had to do a roast before?
- No. - OK.
- How do you feel about it?
- I'm not much of a cook either,
so I haven't done a lot of roasting
in any sense of the word.
- So let's talk about what you're going to do.
Let's hear what you're going to do.
- Let's talk "aboot" what he's gonna do.
- Talk "aboot" what you're going to do.
- OK, so I wanted to channel
some of my Canada's Drag Race Snatch Game winning performance
of Joan Rivers.
- OK. Risky.
- Oh, my gosh, it's me Joan goddamn Rivers.
And who dragged me out of my fucking grave
for this shit show?
Michelle Visage.
Michelle Visage is sucking more dick
than Carson at a Richard convention.
- At a what convention?
- Richard.
As in like Richard, Dicks.
- Oh. Not clear.
- Not clear.
I thought that one was a stretch.
It was going to be-- that was a thinker.
- You can think of what to put in there for a convention.
- OK, I'll think of something else.
- Any place there's a lot of dicks.
- Oh, my goodness me.
Jessica Wild is such a slut, you've got to fuck her
with her legs crossed.
- She's got what?
- You have to fuck her with her legs crossed.
I know, that one's a little bit too close to the truth,
I think. - I don't even get it.
- Well, because like if you want to make something tighter,
you cross it.
- Is that true? - It's actually true.
- OK.
[laughter] I guess I should try that.
- OK, so is that one a hit or a miss?
- No. - You know what?
It's funny after you explain it,
but if you need to explain it, like--
- Don't be too smart for the--
- Joan was never ambiguous in her punchlines.
If that's what you're channeling,
she's going to have a more clear punchline than that.
- Blatant. - Yeah.
- OK.
Then, um...
- You are representing a national treasure.
- Yeah.
- Especially for queer people.
- Yeah.
- You've got to lay it all out here and deliver Joan.
- Yeah.
[bombastic music]
[all cheering and screaming]
- Let's do this.
Let's roasty roast roast each other.
- Ooh, I'm going to fucking roast you, bitch.
- Ah! - Girls, girls, girls.
- Today we're getting ready for our roast of Carson Kressley
and I am feeling a bit nervous, because I didn't
really receive a lot of positive feedback
in my coaching session.
Do you think Joan Rivers would wear this?
- It's definitely Jimbo does Joan.
- I'm just wondering if my tits are going to be too big.
Playing an iconic comedian comes with
really high expectations like, you know,
don't sully her legacy or don't disappoint America.
If I can't deliver jokes
that are even half as good as Joan's,
I could be landing into the bottom for the first time.
Yikes.
Yikes, yikes, yikes.
- With all of my jokes, I had to like
trim a lot of my shit out.
Like, I had stories.
I had to cut all the stories.
Just had to like trim all the fat
to get to the landing sooner.
- After my workshop with Michelle and Alec,
it's clear that some of my storytelling
needs to come out entirely, which I get.
So I made my set as punchy as I could
and I'm just going to trust
in my hostess with the mostest vibes.
And hopefully I'll surprise everybody.
- Girl, even if I won the first time, that don't mean shit.
I'm still nervous. - Yeah.
Even when we are excited about our challenge, it's difficult.
- That's very true.
- Fucking lying bitch. - What?
- Y'all, Jimbo likes to pretend
she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing.
She's a liar.
- Did you guys know Kandy was such a bitch
before you started to work with her...
- Yeah. - Or did you find out here?
- [laughs] What the hell?
- We knew. - Her reputation precedes her.
- Jimbo's ready to roast all of us.
- Yeah, she got fo-- - She says, fuck Carson.
It's you hos we're coming after.
- Has anybody seen my daughter?
Her name is Debbie and she's nude.
[all screaming]
Oh, my God.
Drag queens?
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
It's Katya.
The icon, the legend.
What is going on?
- Hi gorge.
Mwah, mwah.
- I was like, they're not going to even know who I am.
- How are you? - Jessica Wild.
- I hope this bitch is not here to compete.
Look at that outfit. No.
[laughs]
- Are you joining the competition?
- Yes, I'm the fifth contestant.
- Shut up.
- We knew there was going to be a top five.
- We knew that. - Well, with this dog show,
you need a little bit of glamour.
As you all know, I am a professional
working comedian making people laugh.
- What is your advice for us?
- First I have to ask you some questions.
- OK.
- Would you guys fuck anybody in the competition?
- [screams]
- Yes. - Ask Alexis that.
- Have you?
- No, but I would. - Who?
- I really had it for LaLa when she was here.
- LaLa Ri? - Yeah, but honestly,
like, I never thought that I would feel this way,
but I'm, like, taking quite a shine to our Kandy over there.
- Oh, my God.
- Now Kandy, how does that make you feel?
- You know, in a competition where you have no porn
and your imagination runs wild, I'm fine with that.
- Kandy is radiant and special.
And now that we made an agreement
to look out for each other, I feel even closer to her.
She just takes my breath away.
I think she is beautiful.
- [whispers] Do you get along with them?
- [whispers] No.
They're a bunch of dirty whores.
- Well, the dirty's fine, but the whoring is just too much.
- Yeah. It's too close to home.
- I thought Katya was here to give us some
sage words of advice, but she's being
a little Nancy Drew, interrogating us all.
- Now, what's the drama been?
Who do you think has the biggest penis here?
What's the real tea?
Kandy, I think you should fight someone.
- [laughs]
- Shady little bitch. [chuckles]
- In a roast, typically you go--
you cross the line. - Yeah.
- Some of us it's our first roast.
- I would encourage you all please
to try to make each other cry.
I love it when people just try to get nasty.
It's a roast.
It's not a sauté.
- Yeah.
- I don't consider myself a classic joke teller.
I just know one joke.
And I told this joke to like a crowd
of I think, like, 1,000 people once and nobody laughed.
And I laughed so hard because nobody laughed.
What did the gay necrophiliac say about his ex-lover?
- What?
- Ugh, that rotten asshole split on me again.
[laughter]
- How could nobody laugh? - See? I don't know.
I mean... - Tough crowd.
- Yeah, yeah.
- OK, ladies, remember, drag is all about being fierce,
having fun, and if you fail, you're a loser.
[laughter]
- Thanks, Katya.
- No pressure, no pressure,
but you'll be dragged online for the rest of your lives
if you do anything wrong.
[quirky music]
- Oy. Oh.
- Oh?
Security.
- Just slithering her way out.
- You know, I think that Katya came into this workroom
with the goal of telling us some advice.
I don't know how much advice she actually gave us.
- That's the most fashionable cockroach I've ever seen.
[RuPaul's "Cover Girl"]
♪ ♪
- [laughs]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Cover girl, put the bass in your walk ♪
♪ Head to toe, let your whole body talk ♪
♪ Cover girl ♪
- Yes, honey.
- Welcome to the main stage of "RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars."
Michelle Visage,
when's the last time you were spit roasted?
- Hm. Picture it.
Sicily, 1989.
I'm backstage with Milli Vanilli
and, well, you know the rest.
- [laughs]
Our man of the hour,
style superstar Carson Kressley.
Carson, have you ever been roasted?
- Well, if you mean spit roasted, yes.
And if you mean made fun of in public, also a yes.
- [laughs] - Aww.
- Poor me. - Mm.
- Well, you ain't seen nothing yet.
This week we challenged our queens to roast
the one and only Carson Kressley.
All Stars, start your engines,
and may the best drag queen win.
[laughs] [ding]
- [laughs]
[upbeat music]
Carson Kressley, this is your big gay life.
[laughter]
Coming to the stage first, Alexis Michelle.
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- Hello and welcome to the roast of Carson Kressley.
I'm thrilled to be here tonight in this fantastic top four.
[applause]
Jimbo, you are so amazing.
And those tits? [laughs]
The only thing bigger than those tits are your ears.
And the only thing bigger than those is Kandy's ego.
[laughter]
No, but Kandy, you should probably stay here
at Drag Race forever 'cause you have a face
that only our mom, RuPaul, could love.
[laughter]
Jessica, I love you so much,
but you know what would be the biggest escandalo?
If you won this competition.
[laughter]
Michelle Visage, ravishing as always.
- Thank you.
- The beard cover's working great.
- Thank you.
- Our guest of honor, Carson Kressley.
- Yeah. [applause]
- Please, sit down, sit down.
- Now, Carson is from Pennsylvania,
where people travel across state lines
to buy illegal fireworks.
And yet, Carson, you are still
the biggest flamer to leave the state.
[laughter]
Carson, you first entered our hearts on "Queer Eye."
Then you hosted "How to Look Good Naked," which you don't.
[laughter]
Then you hosted "Wrap Battle."
[chuckles] Girl, these credits.
You know, you don't have to say yes to everything.
[laughter]
You're also an accomplished author
with titles like
"Does This Book Make My Butt Look Big?"
Honey, nothing could make that flat ass look big.
Thank you, everybody.
You've been an amazing audience.
[cheers and applause]
And let me welcome to the stage our next roaster,
Jessica Wild.
[applause]
- Hello, beautiful people.
[applause]
And Michelle Visage.
[laughter]
It's an honor for me to be here
at this amazing Carson Kressley roast,
because he already looked like a roast chicken.
[laughter]
I want to start with a thank you.
Thank you, RuPaul, for open the doors
to gentlemens like this... [laughter]
To follow their dreams.
Can I get an amen up in here?
all: Amen.
- Hallelujah!
- [laughs]
- But now Carson Kressley.
Carson is a multifaceted artist.
Or that's what he think he is.
Carson is a television host,
actor, writer, producer.
And this is the funniest one.
A dancer.
- [cackles]
- He is also in love with horses.
And I am not talking about your face, Alexis Michelle.
- Ooh! - [laughs]
- The name of his bunny, it was Sparky.
I think Carson's drag name should be Sparky's Visage.
- Yes. - Oh.
- In honor of his two favorite animals.
[laughter]
I don't know what the hell is Carson doing here as a judge,
because he should be here as a contestant.
Behind that stiff face, he's full of charisma.
He have uniqueness because no one wants to look like him.
He had the nerves to participate
in "Dancing With The Stars."
And last, he have the talent to make us
believe that he have talent.
- [cackling]
[laughter]
- Love you so much, Carson.
I never watched any of your stuff,
but as soon as I get out of here, I'm still not watching.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Thank you so much.
[cheers and applause]
Now the bulldog with extra blood,
Miss Kandy Muse.
♪ ♪
- Thank you, Jessica.
We understood every single word you said.
[laughter]
From up north, we have Miss Jimbo.
Jimbo's breastplate is so big that when she turns
to the side, bitch, she creates a capital P.
All titties, no ass, bitch.
No ass.
[laughter]
I will say, though, Jimbo, your drag does look very expensive.
But by the looks of those lip syncs,
clearly money can't buy you talent.
- Ooh. - Ooh.
- Ooh, it's a roast, bitch. It's a roast.
[laughter]
And of course, we have the Broadway diva,
Miss Alexis Michelle.
The only thing that cries more than Alexis Michelle
is Ginger Minj at the buffet
when the crab legs are finished.
- Oh. - [laughs]
- Now of course, our "amazing" panel of judges.
Michelle Visage.
- Yes.
- She is so talented, I hope that one day
I get to recognize one of her many hit songs.
[laughter]
- Speaking of hit song, hey, RuPaul.
Mother Ru, do I love you.
You know, she is like your grandfather
that you know is going to die real soon.
But the bitch is a great actress.
I will tell you that.
She is such a good actor that she can sit up here weekly
and still find something nice to say about Alexis Michelle.
- Oh. [laughter]
Now on to the queen of the night, Miss Carson Kressley.
- Yes. [cheers and applause]
Carson, you know, you and I have a lot more in common
than you think.
I love ketamine.
You're an equestrian.
[laughter]
Now, I must ask the room a question
and you have to answer me honestly, OK?
- OK.
- How many of you in here knew that Carson was an author?
No, bitch, neither did I. That's the thing.
I don't know either. I didn't know either.
That's been my roast.
If you loved it, thank you.
If you didn't, kiss my motherfucking ass, bitch.
- There you have it. - All right.
Now give it up for Miss Jimbo!
[cheers and applause]
[dramatic music]
- Uh-oh.
Get ready, because Joan Rivers is coming to the main stage
to roast everybody and I'm just hoping
that I don't get burned.
- [laughs] [ding]
- [laughs]
Welcome back to Carson Kressley's big gay life.
[upbeat music]
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you, thank you, thank you so, so much
for all being here tonight.
Oh, my God, I didn't realize I was coming back from the dead
to go right to the zoo.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, Kandy Muse, thank you, thank you.
Living proof that Hooked on Phonics
does not work for everybody.
Oh, my God, she's trying though.
You know, Kandy Muse is such a bitch,
you have to let her smell your goddamn hand
before you get too close.
- [cackles] - Oh, she is.
She is. She is.
Oh, but speaking of hairy, hairy beasts,
let's hear it for Miss Jessica Wild, everybody.
[applause]
Jessica Wild's pussy is so hairy,
every time she shaves it, PETA gets a complaint.
I'm telling you, it's true.
And not only that, she is so full of shit,
she makes RuPaul's diaper jealous.
[laughter] She does.
She is more full of shit
than Alexis Michelle's mouth at Folsom Days.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
But seriously though, I'm no gynecologist,
but I know a twat when I see one.
Hello, Michelle Visage.
Oh, my goodness.
You know, Michelle, you remind me of my favorite director,
John Waters.
You both have a little mustache, a big dick,
and you're friends with a nasty drag queen.
[laughter]
And speaking of whores, hello, hello, hello RuPaul.
Oh, my God, my dear old friend.
RuPaul is so old, you know why that desk is so big?
It's to hide a catheter
and the little scooter she rides in on.
This bitch is old. - [laughing]
- Now for the woman of the evening.
Everybody, let's hear it for Ellen DeGeneres, everybody.
Oh, Ellen.
Oh, my God.
You look horrible, Ellen.
You look like you've been sucking on the end
of a vacuum cleaner.
What is wrong with that face?
I'm just joking. I'm joking, of course.
We're here to honor Tilda Swinton, everybody.
Grow up, grow up, grow up.
But seriously though, Carson loves horses.
His first pony was a little pony named Sparky.
And you know, they had so much in common.
They both have a fucking horse face.
Look at you.
Carson enters the room teeth first.
[groaning]
And I should know.
My daughter Melissa has a horse face just like you.
When my daughter Melissa was bad,
I didn't threaten her with boarding school.
I threatened her with the goddamn glue factory.
And that's where you're headed when RuPaul is done with you.
[laughter]
I want to thank everybody so much.
This has been the roast of the crypt keeper, everybody.
I'm headed back to my crypt now.
Thank you all so very much
and good night, good night everybody.
[cheers and applause] Oh, thank you.
Oh, grow up. Oh, come on.
Oh, shut up.
Oh, thank you.
- But wait.
Carson, there's one more queen...
- Oh. - That wants to say hello.
From "Secret Celebrity Drag Race,"
it's your number one fan, Jackie Would.
- Oh, my God.
[cheers and applause]
- Hello darlings, hello darlings.
- Gorgeous. - There she is.
- I know what you're thinking.
Who is this vision in floral?
Well, yes, underneath all of this glamour and this artistry
is an interior designer named Thom Filicia.
Yes, Carson Kressley's cohost on "Queer Eye."
I want to start by saying I am not
going to piss all over you, Carson.
I'm going to leave that to the hookers in Palm Springs.
[laughter]
And Carson, when we were first filming the original
"Queer Eye," he came out the night before our first episode
and he was really nervous about it.
He was like, I'm going to come out to my parents.
I was like, that's like ice coming out as cold
or grass coming out as green
or Michelle Visage coming out as a cheap slut.
These are things we know, people.
These are things we know.
As you know, Carson competed on "Dancing With the Stars."
Though I do think the words "dancing" and "stars"
were used very loosely.
Very loosely.
And when we were on "Queer Eye," our theme song was
"All Things Just Keep Getting Better."
And when I look at your career, Carson, I just think, do they?
[laughter]
I'd just like to say thank you, good night,
and we love you, Carson. - Aww.
- Muah. We love you.
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
[dramatic music]
- ♪ Nobody here ever seen her before ♪
- Category is snow bunny.
Up first, Alexis Michelle.
- ♪ Who is she ♪
- Ladies and gentleman, anti-freeze.
- My snow bunny is a girl who's away for the weekend.
Definitely isn't going to put on a pair of skis.
But she loves the hot tub.
- She's vacationing in the Swish Alps.
- She's packing, as they say.
- I'm serving cutesy girl with a touch of prostitute.
So you know, on brand.
And I've got all the panties I need in this bag.
- Is that a ball in your train,
or are you just happy to see us?
- Cindy Lou, who is she?
- Snowbody knows, Ru.
- [laughs]
Jessica Wild.
Oh, she's giving me nookie of the North.
- I'm ready to hit the slopes in my beautiful blue coat.
This winter is so cold,
no matter that I'm hot inside.
- Doctor She-vago.
- She put the ho in Tahoe.
- Soy muy caliente,
but I'm ready to cuddle up beside the fire.
- I like the goggles, but I'd like to see the poles too.
- [laughs]
- Honey, it's all downhill from here.
[laughter]
- What a flake.
- Kandy Muse.
- Baby, it's snow bunny time.
I am giving you a three piece covered in crystal moment.
- Hi...pothermia.
[laughter]
- Bitch, I'm ice style.
These diamonds are keeping me frozen, bitch.
Bling bling. [laughs]
- Oh, that's what I call a ski bum.
- ♪ Who is she ♪
- Now this is why the polar caps are melting.
- Ooh!
- Oh, my gosh, look at that ass-pen.
- Where has that ass-been?
- You know how she keeps her wig on?
- How? - Igloo.
[laughter]
Up next, Jimbo.
- I am wearing a stripped cock feather extravaganza.
I am tucked and plucked and feeling fabulous.
- It's Joey Featherton.
- [laughs]
- It's like a down jacket in reverse.
- You know, I'm from Canada, and we love our snow.
So I am repping for all the snowballs
that get tossed around.
Who doesn't like a good, heavy set of snowballs?
- Go tell it on her mountains.
- You know, I always say chicken doesn't freeze well.
- Well, she clearly doesn't give a flock.
[laughter]
- ♪ Who is she ♪
♪ Who is she ♪
[laughs] [ding]
- [laughs]
Welcome, queens,
and say hello to our extra special guest judge,
Thom Filicia. - Hi.
- AKA, Jackie Would.
- Thom, if you ever end up in New York City...
[laughter]
Call me.
- Now it's time for the judges' critiques.
Starting with Alexis Michelle.
- Alexis, I think going first is very difficult.
It can sometimes hurt somebody because
you do have to warm up the audience.
You had some great jokes.
You were just mean enough for a roast.
- Kandy, you should probably stay here at Drag Race forever,
because you have a face
that only our mom, RuPaul, could love.
- It was still fun and light,
but I think it also maybe needed
more of a point of view to come out there with guns blazing.
- You got laughs. You were funny.
But the laughs were minimal as it went on comparatively.
And all we can do really is compare at this point.
- You were fantastic.
Just you didn't have as many laughs as the other girls.
- But throughout this competition,
the changes that you've made to get better and stronger
have been very, very apparent.
This look tonight, this is beautiful.
This is a different hair. You've never done this before.
It's just so refreshing to see you exploring.
- And I love any girl who has the optimism
of traveling with overnight bags because that's just saying
I'm pretty sure I'm going to hook up.
- [laughs]
- Up next, Jessica Wild.
- Hi.
- Now, that is how you do a roast.
You walk on the stage with confidence
and lean into all of your own natural personality.
- I think Carson's drag name should be Sparky's Visage.
- Yes.
- In honor of his two favorite animals.
- You just were zinging them left and right.
And when you made fun of us,
it went over really, really well.
- This look I love.
I love the glamour of it.
It's almost like a 1940s movie wardrobe
that someone would waltz into the chalet in.
- And what I love about the look
is that you have this kind of glamorous cape.
But really underneath is a ski onesie
that you could actually pull off on the slopes.
Really, really just top notch.
- You know, it's been so exciting to watch you
evolve over all these years.
The looks that you've given, the confidence you have,
and you're so funny, but you're never the butt of the joke.
You are in charge of the joke.
You should be very proud of yourself.
- Thank you.
- Up next, Kandy Muse.
- What is the tea, honeybee?
- [laughs]
- I gave you one note and the note was
enunciate and slow it down.
I thought you did a good job,
a better job with the enunciation.
Now, you weren't letting the room breathe.
So what was happening is as people were laughing
and you carried on, we couldn't hear setups to other things.
So I kind of felt you going, OK, if they didn't laugh,
you were on to the next one, which you should be.
But I saw you spinning a little bit.
- You literally command a room and an audience.
- Jimbo, your drag does look very expensive.
But by the looks of those lip syncs,
clearly money can't buy you talent.
- Ooh. - And if a joke didn't work...
- Ooh, it's a roast, bitch. It's a roast.
- You told them you were the boss of this room.
- Tonight, this is so you, Kandy.
What I love the most is you're going,
bitch, I'm going to wear a moon boot
and you stoned the hell out of it.
I mean, I love it.
- You're like this naughty baby doll goes to Telluride.
It's sort of like don't come a-knocking
when this gondola starts rocking.
- I love that bikini that's connected
to your cummerbund style corset.
It's like a little drawbridge.
You just unhook it, let down the drawbridge,
and the party starts.
[laughter]
- Up next, Jimbo.
- Hey. - Hi.
- So Jimbo, you rolled the dice and took a big risk
by doing a set as one of the greatest comics
to ever walk the face of the Earth.
- The moment you walked out I thought, oh, no,
she is not doing a roast as Joan Rivers.
But you embodied her spirit.
- It was a huge, huge payoff.
- Yes.
- We almost felt like we had her back for a minute.
- Thank you.
- The point you were on stage, I was backstage.
And I'm thinking that Joan Rivers
is actually in the studio.
I could not believe what I was hearing.
- [as Joan] Can we talk? - [as Joan] Yes, let's talk.
- This I love. This is like a snow squall.
Because when you're on the runway,
it's moving like a quick snowstorm.
You have that Hunger Games fantastical hair
with stones in it.
It's cool, it's modern, it's fantastic drag.
- Thank you.
- This outfit, beyond gorgeous.
And you were so funny.
The Joan Rivers legacy lives on through you
and through all of us through our laughter.
Tonight's roast was an honor to watch.
You were so funny.
- Thank you.
[as Joan] Thank you so much, I should say.
- Well, thank you, ladies. I think we've heard enough.
We've reached that point in the competition
where you're either the top All Star of the week
or you are in the bottom.
[tense music]
- [speaks Spanish]
- Ladies, based on the judges' critiques,
I've made some decisions.
♪ ♪
Jimbo, condragulations.
You're the top All Star of the week.
- Oh, my goodness gracious.
I'm so, so grateful.
[laughter]
- You've won a cash prize of $5,000.
- Thank you.
- Alexis,
Jessica,
Kandy.
I'm sorry, my dears,
but you are the bottom All Stars of the week.
Thank you, All Stars.
Delicious House Of Love canned cocktails and mocktails
are chilled and waiting for you in the Werk Room.
Everybody say love.
all: Love.
- You may leave the stage.
- So there's one top and three bottoms,
which ordinarily would be a good time, but not on tonight.
This is tough.
- I know I'm in the bottom three,
but I had a good critiques
and I hope these bitches doesn't pick my lipstick,
because I don't deserve it.
But I know anything can happen.
- I'm in the bottom three and, baby, it's a scary feeling.
At this point, I hope I can count on
my alliance with Jimbo
and my strategy with the group will save me.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Baby, this one is not easy
because both of these girls,
they are sickening and they deserve
to be in the top three.
So I'm going to make my decision
based on the judges' critiques.
You are the best. Te amo.
- Kandy and I had a discussion last week
and made an agreement to look out for each other.
This one hurts the most.
I hope I can count on Kandy to stay good on our agreement.
I told her I'm a woman of my word
and I hope she will be one of hers too.
- Look, I made a pact with Alexis to keep my ass here.
But bitch, some of the choices she's made in this game
make me feel like I can't trust you.
So right now my vote is solely based on
how well are you doing in the competition.
♪ ♪
[smooches]
♪ ♪
- Oh, look, it's a box with my name on it.
Maybe it's a new puppy.
[laughs] Oh, wow.
Hm.
What should I do?
Why don't I just pick them all?
[laughs]
That would be fun.
All right, Jimbo, stop playing around.
This is serious.
I've had an alliance with Kandy this whole time
and now is the time to save her.
But sometimes I think Kandy is here for Kandy, period.
And I wonder if role was reversed,
would you look out for me?
♪ ♪
- [laughs] [ding]
- [laughs]
Welcome back.
Jimbo, you've never looked more beautiful.
- Oh, wow.
I've been waiting for a while to hear you say that.
[laughter]
- Are you ready to meet your opponent?
- Yeah?
- [laughs]
- It's time to present
this week's Lip Sync Assassin.
[dramatic music]
- Oh.
- Girl, is that Violet Chachki?
- Oh, Christ.
- [echoing] Ruveal yourself.
♪ ♪
- It's a giant.
[laughter]
- Come on, leopard print.
- It's the corpse of the hound, baby.
[all cackling and cheering]
- It's Shea Couleé!
- Lip Sync Assassin.
Silky is a real Lip Sync Assassin.
She killed on "All Stars" season six.
So I'm pretty sure Jimbo is like, fuck.
- Welcome back, Silky Nutmeg Ganache.
- Thank you for having me, Mama Ru.
- Are you ready to slay?
- You want me to go light or easy, baby?
- Would you mind going quite light on me?
I've had quite a tough time here winning these.
- It's just about to get tougher.
- Ooh. - Ooh.
- Two queens stand before me.
Ladies, Silky holds the lipstick
of the queen that the group has voted to send home.
If Silky wins, the queen on her lipstick gets the chop.
Jimbo, this is your chance to impress me, win $10,000.
- Oh, wow.
- And earn the power
to give one of the bottom queens the chop.
♪ ♪
The time has come for you to lip sync for...
[whispering, echoing] Your legacy.
♪ ♪
Good luck,
and don't fuck it up.
- ♪ Freak-a-zoids, robots ♪
♪ Please report to the dance floor ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Z-O-I-D-S ♪
♪ Freak-a-zoid ♪
♪ Z-O-I-D-S ♪
♪ Rock baby ♪
♪ I'll be your freak-a-zoid ♪
♪ Come on and wind me up ♪
♪ No tears, babe ♪
♪ I'll be your freak-a-zoid ♪
♪ Come on and wind me up ♪
- [laughs]
Oh.
- ♪ Shake your body like you just don't care ♪
♪ I said I'll be your freak-a-zoid if you dare ♪
♪ I said shake your body like you just don't care ♪
♪ I said I'll be your freak-a-zoid if you dare ♪
♪ Baby come here ♪
♪ Let me satisfy you ♪
♪ I know just what you need ♪
♪ I never get tired ♪
- Ah! - ♪ I'm rechargeable ♪
♪ My senses are ready to please, you see ♪
[all shouting] ♪ I'll be your freak-a-zoid ♪
♪ Come on and wind me up ♪
- Oh, you hungry, mama?
[laughs]
- ♪ I'll be your freak-a-zoid ♪
♪ Come on and wind me up ♪
♪ ♪
[vocalizing, stuttering]
♪ ♪
- Yes, Jimbo!
- ♪ I'll be your freak-a-zoid ♪
♪ Come on and wind me up ♪
♪ No tears, babe ♪
♪ I'll be your freak-a-zoid ♪
♪ Come on and wind me up ♪
♪ ♪
- Jimbo!
[cheers and applause]
- Brava.
- Oh, bravo, bravo.
[laughter]
- I've made my decision.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Jimbo. - What?
- Condragulations, you're a winner, baby.
[cheers and applause]
- Yoo-hoo!
Yes, finally.
- You have finally won a cash tip of $10,000.
- Yes.
- That's going to be so much bologna.
- Silky Nutmeg Ganache,
your pussy remains an eternal flame.
[laughter] - Thank you.
- Please step to the back of the stage.
- Bitch, this is going down in history.
I lost to Jimbo.
[laughter]
- Now will the bottom queens please step forward?
♪ ♪
Jessica, Alexis, Kandy.
Whoever gets the chop tonight
will be immediately entered into the online Fame Games.
Jimbo. - Yeah.
- With great power comes great responsibility.
Which queen have you chosen to get the chop?
- This decision was very difficult
because I love this person.
But I had to go on what the judges said
and the track record.
So the sister I'm sending home is...
♪ ♪
Alexis.
[soft music]
♪ ♪
- As it is written, so it shall be done.
Alexis Michelle,
you are and will always be an All Star.
You're leaving us tonight,
but the Fame Games have just begun.
Now sashay away.
- Thank you for letting me be a part of your family.
♪ ♪
Being eliminated, it feels like a gut punch.
When you've been giving something your all
and it gets ripped away, it's shocking.
But I feel so proud,
because as far as the competition goes,
I left it all on the floor.
I used every muscle and talent that I have
and I did what I came here to do,
except snatch the crown.
- I'm just so sorry.
- But now it's time to set my sights
on the Queen of the Fame Games.
I've got my panties and I'm taking them with me.
[laughs]
[applause] - Love you, Alexis.
- Condragulations, All Stars.
And remember, if you can't love yourself,
how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?
Can I get an amen up in here?
all: Amen.
- All right, now let the music play.
- ♪ A little bit of love ♪
♪ Goes a long, long way ♪
♪ Lifting you up to a brighter day ♪
♪ A little bit of love ♪
♪ Goes a long, long way ♪
♪ Turn it around when you up and say ♪
♪ Everybody say love ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh ♪
♪ Love, can you feel the love ♪
- Next time on "All Stars"...
- I remember that Alexis last week,
she told LaLa she was going to save her and didn't.
I'm not going to forget that.
- For this week's Maxi Challenge,
you need to transform our lesbian sisters
into fabulous drag queens.
- [squeals] - Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Do you like it?
- Um... [laughs]
I'm not feeling the clown fantasy looks.
- You are kitty cat.
So be like... [moaning]
Meow, sexy.
My poor kitty.
My pussy is scared.
- [echoing] Ruveal yourself.
[dramatic music]
[laughs]
[RuPaul's "A Little Bit of Love"]
- ♪ A little bit of love goes a long, long way ♪
♪ Lifting you up to a brighter day ♪
♪ A little bit of love goes a long, long way ♪
♪ Turn it around when you up and say ♪
♪ Everybody say love ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Can you feel the love? ♪