PREVIOUSLY ON 21 JUMP STREET
You're a fucking nerd.
Boy, you lucky you even graduating.
- Fuck! - Oh!
You're good at this, huh? Yeah.
You're really good at this. Yeah.
Hey, you want to be friends?
Yours isn't loaded, right?
Just touch it. I'm scared.
Just touch it.
Seriously. All right, all right, all right.
You took a bullet for me, man.
You shot me in the dick!
Boom, motherfuckers!
You two sons of bitches are going to college!
Yin is characterized as slow, soft, passive
and is associated with water and femininity.
While, Yang, by contrast, is fast and solid and...
Man, this is BS.
I thought we were going to actual college, not online college.
Listening for coded messages in lectures.
What are you talking about?
Look around.
This is our city.
What do we want to be in college for?
You're right.
Partners for life.
At Metro city port, the tide comes in at 10:30 A.M.
Then it will return to the sea.
Metro port. One hour.
Let's do this.
Surprise. There's two more arms.
- Shit! That's the ghost. - The ghost?
Joste nillsen,
biggest trafficker of illegal goods in Metro city.
He teamed up with a Mexican cartel
and they're running all this shit through the port.
What the hell are we supposed to be buying?
I don't know.
What are you doing? Huh?
I got a new identity that's gonna be killer.
I'll be throwing it to you to make it legit.
Okay.
I'm gonna need you to improvise. Okay?
I don't want to improvise.
I'm gonna need you to improvise.
I suck at improvising. I don't want to do it.
I need absolute silence while I fall into character.
Can you give me a head start on...
I need absolute... I need absolute silence.
Can you please... Absolute silence.
Are you fucking serious right now?
All right. I hate people who are late.
We're trying to see that product.
Shit!
Yo, sleepy! What's up, homie?
You know my cousin, sad boy.
I think you got the wrong guy, homes.
Oh, that's bullshit, man! You sleepy!
Everyone say in the barrio,
sleepy, he like the Mexican Wolverine and shit.
Hey, my partner here, he want to see the product.
Why ain't he talking?
My name is Jeff.
That's jeffe, man.
Tell 'em about mousie's quinceanera, man.
Tell 'em about that crazy adventure you guys had.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, man, when you were telling the story last night,
you had so much detail!
The detail was so rich! It was rich detail!
Go into incredibly descriptive details
of the story, so we all know.
Oh, yes.
It was Dora and Diego
and swiper.
Swiper?
Who was that you choked out, man?
He had it coming! Who was that?
Boots.
No, man, that wasn't boots! Boots isn't a real name!
You got to tell them the real story, man.
Start over from the top.
That's a made-up name.
I can't believe the punks I have to deal with these days.
It really makes me miss the '90s,
when we had professionals around.
You want to check out the goods?
Check it out.
And shut up. Right?
Where'd you find this gringo, man?
At the fucking Mumford & sons concert and shit?
What is it? Guns? Drugs?
No! No!
Dude! It's gross!
It's inking in my mouth!
I'll get it off.
Its tentacle is eating me!
It's so strong! It's really on there, man.
It's biting my face!
Shit!
Black market exotic animals, just like we expected to be in there.
The accents are gone, huh?
Take them out, guys. They're cops.
What was that? I don't know! I think we're moving.
We're definitely moving!
There's fucking birds and shit in here!
There's actual shit!
What the fuck?
There's a fucking dragon in here!
Shit!
What was that?
Dude, that was our car.
We shared so much in that car!
I'm going to shoot them in the face for that! That was our fucking car!
What are you doing?
Don't teen wolf on the truck!
Don't leave me here alone!
Then get up here!
I can't do that!
Then fucking climb around. Come on, climb around.
Let's go. Come on, buddy. You got it.
This is so scary!
Shoot him!
Don't leave me out here!
I'm all out. You stupid moron!
That's it. Come on.
Fucking get up here. Come on. Fuck!
All right, you good? Yeah!
All you got to do is walk now, okay? Okay.
Shit!
What the fuck are you doing? Get up here!
I can't!
All right, fine, I guess I'll just drag you.
I'm gonna die!
You're not gonna die. Just get the fuck up here!
Pull yourself up here.
Use your core!
You got it, you got it. Come on, come on. Yeah!
All right. Think you can stand on your own now?
Yes!
I think we lost them.
Shit!
He's the fucking Terminator!
That's fucking dangerous!
You are under arrest!
Pull the truck over!
I said pull the fucking truck over right fucking now!
You owe me a car,
and it'd better be a fucking Lamborghini, you bitch!
I did it!
You have the right to remain silent.
Oh, shit!
Holy Moses!
Shit.
What happened?
I think they got away.
Is that a hickey?
Oh. This was actually an octopus-related incident.
I'd opened a crate and the octopus had leapt onto my face.
Apparently, they have many, many arms.
They have eight tentacles.
Yes, and...
Look, ladies,
nobody gave a shit about the jump street reboot when you first came on.
Anyone with half a brain, myself included,
thought it was destined to fail spectacularly.
But you got lucky.
So now this department has invested
a lot of money to make sure jump street keeps going.
We've doubled their budget.
As if spending twice the money guaranteed twice the profit.
Like that's going to work.
Yeah. Well, the commissioner's convinced this debacle happened
because you weren't doing the same undercover student thing
you did the first time.
She doesn't get that it's always worse
the second time around.
You settle into worn-out roles.
One gets possessive, the other runs away.
You begin a slow, painful unraveling,
as all the good things that came before
begin to be crushed by the trash compactor of sadness.
That doesn't sound like us. I mean...
I'm getting a divorce.
We don't want to do the same thing.
We want to burst through our ceiling.
And you're gonna find another ceiling
and you got to bust through that one,
and you just got to keep hammering ceilings.
Okay, okay, okay.
What if we actually went into the secret service
and, like, tried to protect the white house?
I think... I don't think that would work.
I'm going to ask you to stop talking.
I thought it was a pretty good idea.
Do the same thing as last time, everyone's happy.
I can't believe the Koreans bought their church back.
Yeah. Good thing there was an even bigger
abandoned church directly across the street.
Yeah. That's convenient. Yes, it is convenient.
Next year, we'll probably just be right back across the street.
Just next door.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
We're not ahead of ourselves.
We're right next to each other.
This is awesome. Like, way more expensive for no reason.
Look at dickson's office.
Looks like a giant cube of ice.
How you bitches like jump street now?
Hey!
Y'all see this shit?
22 jump street is the lick.
And I got a big-ass raise
to babysit you two fuckers again.
Designed it myself. We got an espresso bar.
I'm thinking about a shark tank over there.
Ooh, I like sharks.
Fuck a 21 jump street, and fuck a Korean Jesus.
Whoa! Cap, come on, Korean Jesus is right there.
That's Vietnamese Jesus.
See, this a Vietnamese church.
You racist, sacrilegious sack of shit.
Look at that. Vietnamese Jesus just dripping swagoo.
And we got some new dumb-ass interns.
Hey, hey! Look alive! Huh?
Boys. Yo, jenko.
Hey, Schmidt!
Don't do that.
So, they want the same shit, so here we go.
Same identities.
Same assignment.
We're going back to high school?
Your ass look like you about 50.
You're going to MC state.
We're going to college for real?
Somebody's out there, they're cooking up a new drug.
It's Adderall mixed with ecstasy mixed with God knows what else.
Wipey?
No, you dumb motherfucker. Whyphy.
Stands for work hard? Yes. Play hard? Yes.
Now, these kids take this shit,
and they get laser-focused for about four hours of studying,
and then they party like it's goddamn 1999.
Who's this?
That's Cynthia Watson.
She was a student at MC state.
She took some whyphy,
got locked out of her dorm,
ended up falling off the roof.
And now she's dead.
That's her buying drugs on campus.
And that's the dealer.
Find him and we find the supplier.
Sir, can I just say,
it is so refreshing to have a case with a black victim.
I mean, we care so much more because she's black.
I think what he's really trying to say
is that we care equally.
It's a tie, really, how much we care.
Uh... no, we're not. If it was a white person, I wouldn't even care.
One less cracker-ass cracker to worry about.
Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up?
Infiltrate the dealer, find the supplier.
You all right?
Yeah.
It's just...
I'm the first person in my family to pretend to go to college.
Best part is we get to do it together.
What's up, college?
What's up, bro? We're 322.
Fuck high school, right?
Fuck high school.
Oh, so tight!
Oh, this is so baller!
Beds... oh, shit.
Oh, dope. That looks like cum.
That's cum. Okay. All right.
Already got cum on the mattress, dawg.
Welcome to college. Fuck, yeah.
Hilarious shirt that signals we drink alcohol.
Some bacon machine that my mom got me.
I do not understand how it works.
It's true.
Super high-tech police gear.
Carte Blanche with the budget, motherfucker.
I'm going to veto that poster.
It's a touch childish.
Okay. What do lambos have to do with touching children?
Lambos are lame.
I get one choice. I get one thing that I'm not...
We have to agree. You know what I mean?
What up, fellas? We're your across-the-hall neighbors.
Oh, hey, there's two of you. You're twins.
What's up, man?
We're the yangs, man. Kenny Yang. What's up?
Keith Yang.
What's going on? What's going on?
Did you say the yangs?
Yeah, dad's Chinese, man.
Our mom's not Chinese. She's black.
Oh. She's like real black.
Like Wesley snipes black. Exactly.
We're brothers, too.
No. He's not kidding. He's serious.
Oh, really?
What? Like, one of y'all older?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, 'cause you got crow's feet under your eyes, man.
You specifically.
We're actually just normal college age.
I mean, even if you're a little older, that's cool, man,
because, you know, girls here love older dudes.
That's true.
Plus, there's mad fuckable girls here.
Mad fuckable. Especially during spring break.
I love spring break. But I do have to say,
I've fucked a thousand girls by now
and I don't know, at the end of the day,
you just kind of want something
that's just a little deeper really.
Yeah, balls deeper. Jinx. Buy me a coke.
Oh, snap, we're still saying the same thing. This is amazing!
Carrots. Pumpernickels. Glow sticks. Twins!
That's dope, dude. That's so sick.
That's crazy. We have that brother connection, too.
You ready? Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
Pirates! Baby feet! Paper clips! Bananas!
Sun! Anger! I don't know! Words!
Quicksand! Shoes!
Boom!
That's hip-hop, man. Awesome.
That's great.
It's gonna be super fun.
All right? Same as last time.
Dude, if it's like last time,
you're gonna have an awesome time, and it's gonna suck for me.
No. You're gonna have an awesome time, too,
because I'm gonna make sure of it.
You took a bullet for me.
That's right, I did, and it sucked, but I'd do it again.
No way. It's my turn. I owe you a life debt.
Co-ed bathrooms.
What? Oh, shit.
I'm not gonna take a shit
the entire time I'm here.
I know.
Hey. How you doing?
Hey.
What's up? 'Sup?
Just exhausted from inventing Facebook
or whatever website people our age use.
They still have books?
I thought they just put the books inside the computers.
Yeah, I guess the kids just use the stacks to hide and have sex.
So we'll go to all Cynthia's classes and activities,
ask around about the drug
and find out who the dealer is.
Yeah, it's just like last time.
Exactly like last time.
Dude, in human sexuality,
do you get to fuck
or do you just get to watch people fuck?
Neither.
What the fuck am I taking it for, then?
Now, obviously, we've all heard this statement before,
I've got a first impression for you.
Oh, y'all like psychology?
Tracy Morgan.
Nobody?
Work hard, play hard, am I right?
You looking for some whyphy?
Yeah, man, that'd be sick.
Go to the police station,
walk in and ask your captain to see the evidence room
'cause you're a fucking narc.
I think you're mistaken.
You're literally wearing your badge.
Did you really just check to see
if you were wearing your badge?
This guy's a fucking cop.
I didn't look down.
Wait, Professor Jacobs, doesn't history happen a long time ago?
Well, history happens...
This class is such a gut.
Hey, you guys play football?
No, this is actually my laptop.
Yeah, I'm taking notes right now.
I'm kidding. It's a football.
Mr. mcquaid?
Covalent bonds.
What has been the result of the war on drugs?
Why would you ask me? I'm not a cop.
Because this is a college seminar,
and that's how college seminars work.
Professor gets into a lively conversation with the student.
Friction creates fire, and that leads to lessons learned.
Well, it's definitely harder to get drugs.
I can personally tell you that.
The average price of cocaine
has dropped 70% in the last 30 years.
Then your dealer's probably selling you some pretty stepped-on shit.
Mr. mcquaid, college is a wonderful place.
This is where you get to decide who you actually are,
instead of the person that you're clearly pretending to be right now,
which everyone sees through, by the way.
You got to decide, do I just keep doing the same thing,
or am I gonna choose a different path
and question my convictions?
I don't have any prior convictions.
Why are you saying this stuff?
That's exactly the answer I wanted, Mr. mcquaid!
I want you to question what I'm saying.
This is the basis of this whole course,
and that's the beauty of college.
You can say whatever you want.
You can be whatever you want.
I mean, I have tenure. I can really say whatever I want.
George Washington was a black lesbian.
The Eiffel tower is made of dildos.
They can't fire me. I'm indestructible.
I'm sleeping with two of my students.
Her and her. I actually am.
Now, just like you did before,
I want you right now to say whatever you want.
Say whatever you want.
Fieto.
Fieto, not a word, but I'm gonna accept it.
You can do whatever you want with your life, Mr. mcquaid.
The only way you can fail this class
is by not becoming who you truly are.
Please respond to my text.
Okay, we got time for just one more improve game.
For this one, we need a ton of different suggestions.
So, we just need you guys to fill in the blank
in a sentence that we're gonna set up.
So it'll go like this. Oh, I'm so hungry, I wish I had a...
Tampon! Okay, but we want...
We want it to be actual food
so that it, like, makes sense with the game.
It's more fun that way. So, uh, let's try it one more time.
Oh, I've got to get home so I can feed my...
Boner!
You know what? Let's just play the game, okay?
All right, so what would you...
Hey, that girl's in my psych class.
Damn, she's hot. Go talk to her.
You come talk to her with me.
Stop being a pussy and go talk to her. Go.
All right, all right.
Coming to the stage, we got...
J. Bohnes, aka...
Hey. Hi.
I think we're in the same psych class.
Oh, yeah. Hi.
Yeah.
Pills! Pills! Bills! Pills!
Bills! A sign of the times that rhymes
Amanda Bynes
drop that raggedy Andy circus
circle jerkus...
You guys are the improve guys, right? Yeah.
That's cool.
You're the guy with the terrible suggestions.
Yeah, yeah. You're welcome, man. Yeah.
Thanks, guys. Um, lady J is gonna be up next for you.
Cynthia, that girl who died,
she used to come here all the time, right?
Mmm.
This piece is called areolas.
Did you know her?
Yeah, she lived across the hall from me.
Yeah? So why do you care so much?
I'm... I'm writing a...
Greedy man hands!
...a slam poem in her honor.
Early stages, very early stages.
Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.
Wouldn't it be better
just to, like, plan the stuff out ahead of time,
and then not say it in front of people and embarrass yourself?
That's a thing that people do. That's stand-up comedy.
That's probably what you should do,
because that stuff's funny.
My brown nipple will produce white milk during lactation...
What do you think of this?
I actually think it's really powerful.
That's cool that you said that,
'cause I actually thought it was really powerful, too,
when the one girl was talking about her nips and shit.
Okay, does anybody have anything they want to share?
Let's see what you got.
Any more poets in the audience?
I... I mean, do you really do poetry?
I do, and I will.
I got somebody. What?
Okay, we got somebody. All right, give it up, guys.
Yeah! Okay.
Just go up there. All right, okay.
Okay. No pressure.
You'll see, it's good. Yeah!
Um...
This is a work in progress.
So, uh...
Slam poetry!
Yelling!
Angry!
Waving my hands a lot!
Specific point of view on things
Cynthia!
Cynthia
Jesus died for our sin-thee-uhs
Jesus cried
runaway bride
Julia Roberts!
Julia rob
hurts
Cynthia!
Cynthia
you're dead you are dead
You're dead
that's for Cynthia, who's dead.
Whoo!
I don't have a single lead.
I do. I hear you can get whyphy on campus anywhere 24/7.
Do you think they mean whyphy the drug
or WI-Fi like the Internet?
What...
Fuck you, brain.
How did we find the dealers so easy the first time?
Well, his number was literally on a sticker.
Well, let's go find this guy's sticker.
I don't think this guy does stickers.
Well, we need help. We need to consult an expert.
Yo, dude, you shot him in the dick, dude.
I got him in the dick. Yep.
Shot him in the dick.
If it isn't Turner and hooch, in the flesh.
Holy shit, you are looking fit.
Hey, you should get some tips from this guy.
He's looking good. Look at those pectoral muscles.
That's the kind of definition I want out of you, man.
What's up, Eric? Hey.
Mr. Walters, we should, um...
Or I should apologize for, uh...
For shooting my penis off?
Yeah. Yeah.
Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally.
You know they gave me a vagina?
It's awesome. You guys want to see it?
No, no, no, no! No, no, no.
That's fine. All right. Eric's seen it.
Eric's been all up in that shit. Isn't that right, Eric?
You guys got to get me the fuck out of here.
Hey, guess what.
I'm Eric's bitch.
No, you're not.
Yes! I am!
I'm your bitch.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, honey.
I didn't mean that. You know that, right?
I am such a bitch when aunt Flo shows up.
It bleeds so much, it's crazy.
It's like the elevator doors opening in the shining.
Your vagina doesn't fucking work, man.
Worked for you last night.
You are so clearly forcing Eric into this relationship.
Eric, am I forcing you into anything?
Yes. See?
Look, they sent us in undercover at a college
to find the dealer of this new synthetic,
and no one will tell us anything.
That's 'cause you guys look like fucking narcs, all right?
College kids aren't dumb like Eric.
I was supposed to go to Berkeley.
Well, they gave us a picture, so we do have that.
Well, that's your lead, motherfucker!
That's what you start with.
I know, but we can't see his face, so we don't know who it is.
We don't know who it is.
I'm Schmidt. My pants are filled with doody.
That's you.
That doesn't sound anything like me.
You sort of sound like that.
That doesn't sound anything like me.
It's not not you.
Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking right now.
That's Schmidt being a little bitch.
That's just not a good impression.
Whoa!
Nice job, super sleuths.
Did you even bother to look at the fucking picture?
Yeah. Huh?
There's a reflection right here.
Your fucking guy's got a tattoo.
Find the tattoo, find the dealer.
Fuck, man, I don't know. I do a lot of stupid tattoos to drunk kids.
Do you remember that stupid tattoo?
A bazooka?
Think I might have did it on a football player.
Guy with a red Mohawk. I don't know.
They all start to look the same to me.
I think I know exactly who he's talking about.
Fuck you!
Fuck you, you little walk-on fuck!
I can't, like, move around in these things.
God, I love walk-on day!
Fuck, yeah.
That's a weird time to be q-tipping.
You're all fucking pussies!
Dude, you don't have to do this. What?
I just don't want you to get hurt. I'm not gonna get...
Whoops.
Shit. Whoa.
Dude, I am so sorry.
It's all right, man. Don't worry about it, man.
Are you sure? All right... Yeah. Ow.
Shit. I got it.
Okay, I got it, I got it.
Ow! That's fine.
I'll get it. No, no, let me get it, let me get it.
No, I got it. Let me just get it. No, let me get it.
I got it, I got it. Let's just...
Dude, I'm sorry. I got my q-tip in your meat, bro.
No, man, I got my... I got my meat in your q-tip.
It's like a whole new type of sandwich.
Like, a meat q-tip.
Like a meat-qute.
That's funny.
Hey, you guys want some of this sandwich?
It's a meat-qute sandwich.
Me and this guy are having a meat-qute.
You're hilarious, dude. What's your name?
Brad. Wait... Brad.
Uh, yeah, yeah, it's Brad.
I'm Zook. Nice to meet you. Zook.
Nice to meet you, too, man.
Blue 20!
Set, hut!
You love walk-on day now?
Your arm all right? You want to take that sleeve off?
No, I'm good.
Dude, holy shit, bro. Great fucking catch, dude.
If you see that safety line up that deep, though, hit me quicker.
Oh, yeah, I didn't know you had wheels like that, bro.
It's funny, 'cause he's my brother. So...
Um...
Hey, uh, you know, we have this rush party at zeta.
But I thought, you know, you could come by and meet the guys.
It'd be really fun, I think.
Great. Yeah, maybe we will.
Are you guys, like, together?
Yeah. Yeah, this is my bro.
That's... Funny, dude. You're funny.
Oh.
Uh, really? Wow. Um, okay.
Yeah, man, sure. You, too, you can come, too.
We'll see what we can do.
Also, I said a bunch of stuff earlier
that you didn't acknowledge...
Great catch. Cool, yeah.
See you then. So you won't address that?
What the fuck's up with that guy?
All we have to do now is rush the frat long enough
to confirm that rooster has that bazooka tattoo.
Look, man, do you think it's cool if you come?
'Cause, I mean, he kind of really just asked me.
I just don't want to start off
on the wrong foot with this guy.
Dude, you're tripping. We do everything together.
You should lose the puka shells, though.
Things are different since you didn't go to college.
Yo, Brad! What's up, dude?
Same puka, dude.
You got the same... Puka bros.
Holy shit!
Look at him, it's, like, all the same.
Dude, you wear pants, too?
What? Bros, man. Dude.
I knew we were gonna be connected, just like that.
Yeah, why don't you guys just tie your dicks together
and get married, right, rooster?
Rooster. What's up, bro?
You look good, man.
What's up, rooster?
How you doing, man? Digging the puka.
Thanks, dude. I can't believe it's the same...
How you doing, rooster?
Rooster is getting some pop.
Why don't you go check him out?
You in the zone, bro? In the fucking zone, dude.
Hey. What's up?
What's up? I'm rooster.
Oh, yeah, no.
We've met before.
Oh, really? I don't remember that at all.
You must just have a really plain face.
Yeah. They call me ol' plain face.
They call you that?
So, do you have any body art or, like, any ink I could see?
That's a pretty random question.
Hey, anyway, it was so nice chatting with you, man.
Nice to meet you, man.
Yo, what the fuck, bro?
Yo, what the fuck are you doing, dude?
You serious right now? You...
You're being weird.
You've been weird.
It was just like, what am I hearing?
What am I hearing right now?
And the psychic told you that?
Yo. That is so crazy, dude.
Hey, dude, you want to go see the roof?
Fuck yeah, I want to see the roof, dude.
Come on, let's go, let's go. Come on.
Come on to the roof, come on to the roof. Let's go.
Come on, you can do it. Come on, come on, come on!
I miss climbing so much. Come on, let's go. Come on.
All right, uh...
One more time.
I'm just gonna go home.
I don't know parkour, so...
All right.
Hey, Maya Angelou!
Poetry, okay. I got it.
Make fun of the poetry major.
So, I guess you have no interest
in having a real job in the future.
Absolutely not. No, right?
What about you?
Um, I'm an art major.
Okay. So you definitely cannot talk any shit, 'cause...
No, I can't. I cannot.
...you're never gonna make any money.
I'm never gonna make any money,
so don't tell my parents, but...
When I talk to your parents tonight,
I will not tell them about your major.
Okay, thank you. You're welcome.
All right, art major.
What do you think about that?
Um, I would say that
it's these two beings
leaning up against each other in perfect balance.
If one were to fall, they would just lose each other.
So it's just about support.
You can't admit that it looks exactly like testicles?
That's exactly what it looks like.
So, is there someone who supports you?
No, I'm just one of those people
that really likes to spend time with myself.
Tell me about it.
I love to be alone. I am, like, the best at it.
I just love when you're sitting there in a room,
and you're just there with your thoughts,
and you're like, oh, my gosh, I'm alone.
Would anyone ever love me? Or whatever.
And, like, do I know anyone who would care
if I just ever came out of this room or not?
Or whatever and, like...
I don't know. It's just peaceful. I just like it.
Yeah.
Well, if you don't want to be alone tonight,
we are gonna go hang out at the art building,
if you want to come.
Okay, okay.
Okay. Okay.
I expected tonight would go in a way that you wouldn't expect,
but what I didn't expect was tonight would go
in the exact way that you would expect.
You know what I mean? Totally.
So you guys hang out here a lot?
Yeah. I mean, we're not into the whole frat party kind of stuff.
We like to sit around, just drink some good wine
and talk about some important stuff.
Banging bitches and getting wasted all fucking day.
Those are, like, two of my favorite things to do.
You are, like, a slightly less attractive version of...
Picasso? Picasso.
Right? I've been told that before.
You read my mind.
What?
Oh, that's Cynthia Watson's room.
Oh.
It's only 2:00. I thought it was late. Do you want to come in?
It's only 2:00? I usually go to dinner at, like, 2:00 A.M., so...
Sure, yeah, why not?
I'm gonna do it. I just got to get it at the right angle.
- Dude, stop. - Stupid fucking goalpost!
It's impossible. You can't fucking do it.
The fans used to rush the field
after every win and tear down the goalposts,
and coach hated it. And so he cemented them in.
They storm the field, and still do it,
but they just bounce around.
Fuck this goalpost, bro!
You guys might want to hold on,
'cause this shit is coming down.
Yo, what is that? The tattoo, what's that right there?
Oh. Oh, this? Mmm-hmm.
It's my old high school team. The plainview red herrings.
Look at it swim.
Shit. What?
Shit, that's a really outside-of-the-box
high school mascot.
Hold on, guys.
Hey, why don't you come to practice today?
I mean, you're obviously good enough to play on the team.
Look, I'm not supposed to be here to play football.
What?
I'm just here to do my assignments
and get out, that's it.
I mean, yeah, school's important or whatever,
but when I was throwing you those passes,
it was like I knew where you were gonna be before you went there.
You know, I had this, like, vision of me
throwing bullet tds to you, dude,
and then all these fans just started going, like...
Zook! Mcquaid! Zook! Mcquaid!
And they were chanting and chanting,
and then the goalposts came down.
Dude?
I have had that exact vision, like, my entire life.
Dude. Dude.
Bro? Bro.
Dude. Bro.
Dude.
Like, well, we fucking can, bro.
All you gotta do is join the team.
Yeah. Why not?
Yes!
Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, dude.
What's that?
My tattoo.
Yeah, fuck, look.
Look, it's me, Zook.
Got a fucking bazooka for an arm. Know what I mean?
Dude, I'm so fucking pumped
you're gonna be on this fucking team, bro.
Yep.
What's up with it?
How you doing?
Hi. Good.
How was the, um...
How was the sex for you?
It was fun for me. It was a good time.
Yeah, right.
I enjoyed it.
Yeah.
This is why I don't drink.
Oh.
Hey. How you doing?
I'm fine.
I mean, I'm not listening to you guys fornicate all night long.
Thrusting and pumping.
Okay.
I thought your hip popped out at one point.
I'm just saying, it's, like, all fun and games,
and then you wake up in bed next to a 40-year-old freshman.
I'm 19, so...
Nineteen minutes late to pinochle,
where you're meeting your old friends in the park?
Yeah, that's what I meant.
Oh, my gosh, Maya, look at him.
He's still so sharp. That's so inspiring.
Tell us about the war, any one of them.
You're, like, the loudest climaxer I've ever heard.
It was, like, the sound of, like, a 30-year-old sprinkler
finally going off for the first time.
Okay, well, so lovely talking with you.
You're a lovely person. Hmm.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, my God.
She seems nice.
She's horrible.
God.
She was Cynthia's roommate,
and I felt bad for her, so I told her I would room with her.
So...
So you probably have a bunch of stuff
that you have to do today.
Right? No.
Oh. Okay.
Look, I just want you to know
I'm not, like, a hit it and quit it type of fella.
I'm, like, a hit it,
continue to hit it both physically and emotionally kind of guy, so...
Hey, Doug, you're not gonna be weird about this, are you?
No.
I mean, you're cool with just hooking up?
Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, I'm glad you said something.
'Cause I don't even know if I like you when I'm sober.
No, I know, and it's like,
that doesn't even hurt, like, at all.
Okay, so, um...
I'm gonna... I'm gonna split. I'll text you later.
Great, that was great sex. You're good at it.
And I'll text you, three to five minutes or something?
All right.
What the fuck is this?
This is bullshit.
Are you two fucking around at school again?
Hey, we got to pay for this shit.
We need results! No, no, no.
Look, we are looking aggressively
for this very specific tattoo.
Or the tattoo could just be a dead end.
What the fuck? It's the same case!
Do the same thing.
Well, it's not exactly the same case, 'cause
one of us got laid last night.
Schmidt?
Shh.
Don't wake up my dick.
Flew in on the red-eye, hasn't gotten a wink of sleep.
Damn.
We're talking missionary.
We're talking when I'm on top and she's on her back.
She's smart, she's an art major.
She can't be that smart. She's a fucking art major.
Come on.
I will give you some daps, Schmidt.
Give me some motherfucking daps, man!
Come on, give me some.
Give me some. Come on!
My human sexuality class is blowing my mind.
Did you know I used gay slurs in high school?
Yes, directed at me.
Dude, I am so sorry for being a homophone.
Are we gonna talk about how weird you were today with Dickson?
Look, I don't think the tattoo means what you think it means.
I mean, for all we know, a lot of people could have that tattoo.
This tattoo? This absurdly specific tattoo?
Name one other person who has this.
For starters, Zook has it.
Zook has the tattoo?
What the fuck? We've been looking for this tattoo for days!
Do you understand this means Zook is the dealer?
I really want you guys to hang out.
We have hung out. He's completely ignored me.
I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to investigate your new bff.
We're gonna put cameras everywhere,
and we're gonna monitor the fuck out of what he's doing.
We can't just walk into zeta house
and just put up a bunch of fucking cameras, okay?
There's dudes there everywhere.
All right, your plan is stupid. I'm sorry.
My plan is stupid? That's interesting. What... okay.
I'm, like, basically done
fucking watching your shit all the fucking time.
Okay, yeah, exactly. I'm the fucking stupid one. Yeah.
Oh, that's really fucking stupid.
Man, it must be hard being so different.
We're exactly the same. It makes everything so much easier.
Guys, can you just give us some space?
We're really trying to figure something out,
and we need to focus, okay?
You're not gonna have trouble focusing, man.
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