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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[**]

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ADULT RALPH:
There it is, our house
on good old Cleveland Street.

5
00:00:42,443 --> 00:00:43,544
A few winters had passed,

6
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:45,313
and yet another
one had come

7
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,548
over Lake Michigan
in the middle of the night.

8
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:49,783
It had been years
since The Old Man's lamp

9
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:52,052
stood proudly
in our front window.

10
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:53,587
The legendary battle
of the lamp

11
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,523
that locked my parents
in mortal combat

12
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,991
would forever be etched
into my psyche.

13
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,527
This is X-5.

14
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,662
I've located the plans
for the moon base.

15
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:05,065
For my kid brother, it was all
but a distant memory.

16
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,567
I'm going in.

17
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:09,670
Randy was a fledgling
Buck Rogers fanatic,

18
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:12,906
who had his own way of braving
life's little conflicts,

19
00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:14,775
in this world or any other.

20
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:17,445
Take that,
you Neptunian swine. Pow!

21
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:21,649
[GROANS]

22
00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:23,517
Pow! Pow!

23
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,186
RALPH:
Randy, get inside, you lunkhead.

24
00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:29,290
It's freezing out.

25
00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:31,392
And there I am.

26
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,494
With that same
dumb, round face,

27
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:36,697
and the same penetrating
20-90 vision.

28
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:39,333
I had, however,
discovered the wonders

29
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,802
of a miracle elixir
called Vitalis.

30
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:50,411
Another close call.

31
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:53,347
Space is like that,
sweetheart.

32
00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:55,283
Now go get dressed
for school.

33
00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:58,586
Careful with those,
Zurg's minions are everywhere.

34
00:01:58,652 --> 00:01:59,587
Oh.

35
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,989
You just can't trust
that son of a bitch.

36
00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:03,524
Excuse me.

37
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:06,460
Keep it up, young man,
and you're gonna bite the bar.

38
00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:10,764
Oh, yes, don't test me.
I mean it.

39
00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:14,268
[GROANS]

40
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,570
I will not have that
in my house.

41
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,839
Did you hear
what your brother said?

42
00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:22,176
Where on earth do you boys
pick up language like that?

43
00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:24,212
THE OLD MAN:
Son of a bitch!

44
00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,414
[THE OLD MAN MUTTERING]

45
00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:29,450
[THUDDING AND CRASHING]

46
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:33,587
Gotcha, you bugger! Huzzah!

47
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:37,191
Oh, I knew that cry. The most
feared furnace fighter

48
00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:38,626
in northern Indiana
had once again

49
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:42,863
sampled the sweet nectar
of triumph.

50
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,932
[SIGHS]

51
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:49,637
We may now begin our day.

52
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:51,038
Ralphie.

53
00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:54,542
Aside from my sudden
and profound interest in hair,

54
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,777
things hadn't changed
that much.

55
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:59,747
The Old Man maintained
his well-deserved status

56
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,550
as the White Sox's
number one fan.

57
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,117
Morons.

58
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,053
Another utility infielder?

59
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:07,388
What about a pitcher

60
00:03:07,455 --> 00:03:09,423
who can make it
to the second inning?

61
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,659
I'm telling you, boys,
if I own that team,

62
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:13,627
things'd be
a whole lot different.

63
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,163
Yes sirree, Bob.

64
00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:19,800
Utility infielder.

65
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:23,337
My mother still hoarded bacon
fat like it was gold dust.

66
00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:26,674
Oh, that's good.

67
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,543
And my brother
still left the house

68
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:32,413
wrapped for transport
like he was a Ming vase.

69
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,082
For Pete's sake, Ma.

70
00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:36,784
I heard you sniffle.
I can't breathe.

71
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:39,853
You wanna be sick
when Santa comes?

72
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,622
Oh, how right she was.

73
00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:44,392
For in two weeks,
it would be Christmas.

74
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:46,427
Most guys my age
wouldn't admit it,

75
00:03:46,494 --> 00:03:48,128
but when it came
to Christmas,

76
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:50,831
I still felt
like a little kid.

77
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,133
[MUMBLING]

78
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,402
Son of a bitch.

79
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,136
You are pulling
my chain.

80
00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:57,671
Rita Hayworth?

81
00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:00,007
See for yourself,
it's playing at the Majestic.

82
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,009
I sat through it
three times.

83
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,344
How naked?

84
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:04,645
Thirty percent.

85
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,046
[BOTH LAUGH]

86
00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:07,615
She pulls off her gloves.

87
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:08,849
No.

88
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:12,720
And then she takes off
her necklace,

89
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:15,589
then she turns around
and she says, uh,

90
00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:17,391
"I'm not very good
with zippers,

91
00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:19,259
but maybe if I had
some help."

92
00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:24,197
[LAUGHING]

93
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,099
Holy moly.

94
00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:28,302
She's beautiful.

95
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:29,637
Eh.

96
00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:37,144
FLICK [WHISTLING]:
Is that a 6?

97
00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:38,812
Fireball Straight 8.

98
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:42,149
Overhead valves.
Two-speed Hydra-Matic.

99
00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:43,417
Yeah, so what?

100
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:45,252
There are a ton
of Buicks around.

101
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:48,656
Show some respect.
It's a Roadmaster.

102
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:52,426
Flick, Schwartz, and I were
months away from turning 16.

103
00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:54,628
The sacred moment
in each boy's life

104
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:56,864
when he crosses the Rubicon
into manhood

105
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:59,633
and receives that most
cherished of documents

106
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,269
known
as a driver's license.

107
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:05,673
Now you're just gonna give it
a little gas, then pop that--

108
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:07,475
Few rites of passage
were marked

109
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:09,610
with such fevered
anticipation.

110
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:12,045
Preparations had been ongoing
for months.

111
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:21,889
THE OLD MAN:
Hey, ease up.

112
00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:25,693
You wanna drive the 500,
Indy's right down Route 6.

113
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,395
Don't take the corner
in third.

114
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:29,229
Who's gonna pay
for a new transmission?

115
00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:30,764
[CAR CRANKING]
Ugh!

116
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,401
You're letting this joker
cut in?

117
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,302
It's dog-eat-dog out here.
Stake your claim.

118
00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:38,205
[HONKING]
Son of a bitch!

119
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:41,575
But through it all,
The Old Man remained positive

120
00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:44,211
and steadfast
in his encouragement.

121
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:45,345
Stop sign!

122
00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:46,747
[TIRES SCREECHING]

123
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,552
Stop sign.

124
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,988
Formal education
had to wait.

125
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:57,858
Being not quite 16 meant
that every discussion

126
00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:00,761
revolved around only one
of two topics.

127
00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:02,596
There were cars,
of course.

128
00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:06,634
And then, oh, yes,
and then there were them.

129
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,402
Drucilla Gootrad.

130
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:10,070
My sweet Drucilla.

131
00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:11,805
Beauty incarnate.

132
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,774
The hands-down heartthrob
of Hohman High.

133
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:16,343
I didn't stand a chance
with her.

134
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:18,111
No one did.

135
00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:21,348
Unless you were a quarterback
by the name of Todd Chapin,

136
00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:22,850
a feat which would require

137
00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:25,085
developing
strikingly chiseled features

138
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,720
and then beating
Elkhart Lutheran

139
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,356
on the final play
with a 60-yard bomb.

140
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:32,159
The rest of us,
those wretched souls

141
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,728
who couldn't throw or catch
or leap or shoot,

142
00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:36,997
would have to settle
for being with her

143
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:40,367
in our dreams.

144
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:43,471
Now then
you will share with us

145
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:46,907
the location
of the resistance fighters?

146
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:50,844
Perhaps I could help
to refresh your memory.

147
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:55,916
[LAUGHING]

148
00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:58,619
Go ahead, Fräulein.
Kick and scream.

149
00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:00,420
But your American
boyfriends

150
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:04,525
aren't going
to rescue you today.

151
00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:06,694
I ain't her boyfriend.

152
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,561
[SPITS]

153
00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:10,030
Not yet, anyway.

154
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,232
Don't try anything fancy,
soldier boy.

155
00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:13,300
Oh, yeah?

156
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:15,202
How's this?

157
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,837
Ah!

158
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:23,343
Oh, mon cheri.

159
00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:25,579
You saved me from a fate
worse than death.

160
00:07:25,646 --> 00:07:26,880
Just doing my job, ma'am.

161
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,116
Oh, Private Ralphie Parker.

162
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:32,820
You will forever have
my undying love and affection.

163
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,722
Ditto.

164
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,289
[GROANS]

165
00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:38,191
Schweinhund.

166
00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:39,960
Ugh.

167
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:47,735
ADULT RALPH:
My father picked me up
from school that afternoon.

168
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,770
The tired pistons
on his beloved Olds

169
00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:52,506
were slowly sputtering
into that good night,

170
00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:54,575
and the time had come
for a change.

171
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:57,444
Any pea-brain can go out
and buy a new car.

172
00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:59,513
But landing a good used one?

173
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,882
You gotta be
on your toes.

174
00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:10,791
That's it. Yeah.

175
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:11,959
Okay?

176
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,928
Just remember,
treat the gas like your wife

177
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,598
and treat the clutch
like your mother-in-law.

178
00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:18,732
Huh? Boom!

179
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:20,367
[THE OLD MAN LAUGHING]

180
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:23,270
The Old Man lived
for the thrill of the hunt.

181
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:26,306
And there was no one he loved
having in his sights

182
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:27,941
more than Hank Catenhauser.

183
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,778
I had been going to him
to Hank's World of Wheels

184
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,046
for as long
as I could remember.

185
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,082
Hank drove an ambulance
in World War I.

186
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:37,517
Legend had it he backed over
a land mine

187
00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:39,152
and still had
a piece of shrapnel

188
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:41,421
the size of a walnut
lodged in his brain.

189
00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:42,756
HANK:
Good to see you!

190
00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:44,291
Hank liked to tell
his customers

191
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,927
it was the part of the brain
that made deals.

192
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:49,162
I like you, Parker.
You're an Oldsmobile man.

193
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:50,698
Guilty as charged.

194
00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:52,132
Well,
it's a fine automobile.

195
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:54,802
But you can't drive
a great car till you drive

196
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,269
a great bargain.
That's true.

197
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:57,571
[LAUGHS]

198
00:08:57,638 --> 00:09:01,609
I got two words for you.
Just two: Olds 88.

199
00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:03,443
Actually, that's a word
and a number.

200
00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:05,913
[LAUGHS]
You slay me.

201
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:06,914
He's a card.

202
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:09,116
Let's take a sneak peek.
All right.

203
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:13,186
Unbeknownst to Hank, my father
and I had perfected a routine,

204
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:14,655
carefully orchestrated,

205
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,624
to augment
our bargaining power.

206
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:19,326
Push button radio,
white wall tires.

207
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,361
Automatic choke.

208
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,097
Well, why don't you
hop in the back there, sonny?

209
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:26,333
Just wanna see
if that seat's roomy enough

210
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,601
for you and your brother.

211
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:30,537
Sure thing, Dad.

212
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:31,772
Hmm.

213
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,643
So how is it back there?

214
00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:38,211
Uh, it's okay.

215
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:39,312
I mean...

216
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:42,515
A little tight.

217
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:43,817
Ah. Tight.

218
00:09:43,884 --> 00:09:45,786
He says it's tight
back there.

219
00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:48,055
These kids,
they grow like weeds.

220
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:48,756
[CHUCKLES]

221
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:50,123
It's certainly a factor.

222
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:52,559
Well, I guess I'm gonna
have to give you

223
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:55,528
a heck of a price on it,
won't I?

224
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,998
Well, how about that?

225
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:06,907
[DOOR SQUEAKING]

226
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,683
[DOOR SQUEAKING]

227
00:10:25,525 --> 00:10:27,761
Oh, there she was.

228
00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:30,230
In all her gleaming,
second-hand glory.

229
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:34,167
A 1939 Mercury
Model-Eight Convertible.

230
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:37,705
The top was frayed,
the tires were almost shot.

231
00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:39,439
As if any of this mattered.

232
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:42,175
For I was in the presence
of the greatest machine

233
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,644
ever to glide off
an assembly line.

234
00:10:44,712 --> 00:10:47,047
The apex of automobilia.

235
00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:48,949
Holy jeez.

236
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:14,074
Phase two of The Old Man's
scheme was always the same.

237
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:17,344
He'd tell Hank it was time
to go home and think it over,

238
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,980
let him sweat
for a week or two.

239
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:23,683
And then, like jaguars
circling their hapless prey,

240
00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:26,219
we'd close in for the kill.

241
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:28,321
He's over-barrel this time,
Ralphie boy.

242
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:29,522
We got him good.

243
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:31,959
Oh, you bet, Dad.
The Parker boys strike again.

244
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,894
Hey, you know what they say,

245
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,529
the acorn doesn't fall
far from the tree. Huh?

246
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:37,664
Huh?

247
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:38,999
Oh, The Old Man

248
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,401
was a veritable cliché
repository,

249
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:44,838
never hesitating to haul out
one of life's tired truisms

250
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:47,440
for our edification.

251
00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:48,776
You know what they say,

252
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,677
if you don't ask,
you don't dance.

253
00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:52,946
You know what they say,

254
00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:55,015
every dog has his day.

255
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:57,217
You know what they say,

256
00:11:57,284 --> 00:12:00,420
if anything can go wrong,
it will.

257
00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:04,491
And one that I begged
to differ with:

258
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:08,028
lightning never strikes
the same place twice.

259
00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:11,031
Fortunately, I had
the advantage of experience.

260
00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:12,800
I already knew
that planting seeds

261
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,667
into one's subconscious

262
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,104
was a delicate operation
indeed.

263
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,338
You know,

264
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,573
I heard that 31 percent
of American households

265
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,742
had second cars.

266
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:26,079
Careful. Don't tip your hand.

267
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:27,915
Not that we need one.

268
00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:29,582
I just thought
it was interesting.

269
00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:32,886
Well, we are living
in prosperous times, I guess.

270
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:35,655
Oh, yeah,
country's on a roll.

271
00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:38,225
You know what they say,
sky's the limit.

272
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:41,261
Coach caught Mikey Witlin
eating his boogers in gym.

273
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:44,397
Still, when Dad's got
a road game in bowling league,

274
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:47,067
or when Aunt Clara
and Uncle Bill are in town--

275
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:50,603
Randy, mouth closed
when you chew.

276
00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:52,539
Go on.

277
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,908
[CHUCKLES]
Nothing.

278
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:56,743
I just think it might be nice

279
00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:58,211
to have some extra wheels
around.

280
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,714
And maybe you could even get
your driver's license.

281
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,951
Oh, well done.

282
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:08,956
You know,
that is something to consider.

283
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:10,090
What's that?

284
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,125
Well,
what Ralphie just said.

285
00:13:12,192 --> 00:13:15,128
I mean, he is almost 16, right?
And we could--

286
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,831
THE OLD MAN:
Wait.

287
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,399
Wait.

288
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,268
Listen.

289
00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:24,504
No. Not now.

290
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:27,174
Anytime but now.

291
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,376
Ah!
[FURNACE GROANING]

292
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:31,378
It's a clinker!

293
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,948
Ah-ha!

294
00:13:37,050 --> 00:13:40,921
You are mine!

295
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:43,991
I guess we'll talk about it
some other time.

296
00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:49,029
As The Old Man would say,
close, but no cigar.

297
00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:52,866
[BAND PLAYING
"JINGLE BELLS"]

298
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:55,135
How I loved band practice.

299
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:58,071
For 45 minutes,
twice a week,

300
00:13:58,138 --> 00:14:00,473
Drucilla and I
could be together.

301
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:01,641
Not face-to-face,

302
00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:03,110
but still close enough

303
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,312
to smell her
lavender-scented shampoo.

304
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:06,613
[SIGHS]

305
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,422
Someday, my beauty,

306
00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,257
there'll be a veil
upon that hair.

307
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:20,293
And I'll lift it,
so our lips can meet

308
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,963
as they pronounce us
man and wife.

309
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:30,670
A little less holiday spirit,
Mr. Parker.

310
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:34,507
[ALL LAUGHING]

311
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:35,708
From the top, people.

312
00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:37,844
One, two, one, two.

313
00:14:37,911 --> 00:14:40,613
[BAND PLAYING
"JINGLE BELLS"]

314
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,883
At least there was one beauty
I had a chance of winning.

315
00:14:43,951 --> 00:14:45,418
One look
at my magnificent Merc

316
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,487
and the guys would surely
be able to fathom

317
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:48,555
my pangs of longing.

318
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,390
RALPH:
And here's the beauty part.

319
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:53,460
It's the most gorgeous ride
on the lot, and nobody cares.

320
00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:54,727
Nobody?

321
00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:56,964
No one's paying attention.
She's gathering dust.

322
00:14:57,030 --> 00:15:00,367
I can pick her up
for a song, I know it.

323
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,469
Uh, green, right?

324
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:03,803
Yes.

325
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:06,306
I'm calling her
the Emerald Express.

326
00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:14,214
Yeah, who wouldn't want
that beauty?

327
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:17,550
But, it was in the garage.
It was dirty.

328
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:18,885
Uh, guess he washed it.

329
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,320
Must have a hose
somewhere.

330
00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:22,855
Uh, maybe you can borrow it
to hang yourself.

331
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:25,292
There it was. Taunting me.

332
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:27,927
Deal of the day
could only mean one thing.

333
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,929
At any moment,
hundreds of buyers

334
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,664
would stampede
down Hohman Avenue,

335
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:35,035
begging to be the first one
to hurl a checkbook at Hank.

336
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:37,237
Pay to the order
of Ruin My Life.

337
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:38,871
Hate to break it to you,
chief,

338
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:43,010
but, uh, wanting and owning
are two different things.

339
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:47,614
I'd say he had got
a better chance with Drucilla.

340
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,382
You think it's open?
Why?

341
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,219
I wanna see what it's like
behind the wheel. Just once.

342
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,454
You kidding? The guy's inside,
you'll get in trouble.

343
00:15:54,521 --> 00:15:56,189
Hey, my dad's
like royalty here.

344
00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:57,690
He just sent us
a calendar.

345
00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:58,825
Take them.

346
00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:00,093
Come on, Schwartz,
take them.

347
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,494
Oh, fine.

348
00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:08,635
Split-bench leather seat,

349
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:13,006
Quadra-Coil suspension,
hydraulic brakes.

350
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:15,542
No. No sense
torturing myself.

351
00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:18,478
It was time
to say my goodbyes.

352
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:20,647
So long, old girl.

353
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,915
HANK:
Got something here,
just came in.

354
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,884
Ralph. Ralph.

355
00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:27,654
HANK:
Absolute mint condition.

356
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,422
Oh. Uh...

357
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:35,062
HANK:
Hal, this Merc's got your name
written all over it.

358
00:16:35,128 --> 00:16:36,496
[HANK LAUGHS]

359
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:39,466
Sweet jeepers, uh,
just took it in on the tray.

360
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:42,702
Hi, kids. How's it going?
Great, take it somewhere else.

361
00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:44,637
Cross my heart.
A grandmother from Muncie.

362
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:46,939
I guarantee she never took it
over 20.

363
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:50,477
[RALPH GRUNTS]

364
00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:53,246
Ah! Ah!

365
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:55,548
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, my God!

366
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:56,583
HAL:
Ugh! Ah!

367
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,585
Ah!

368
00:16:58,651 --> 00:17:00,987
[TIRES SCREECHING
AND HORNS HONKING]

369
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:03,656
Oh!

370
00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:05,525
Whoa! No, no!

371
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:07,294
[PANTING]

372
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:12,399
[HONKING, TIRES SCREECHING]

373
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:13,433
[SIGHS]

374
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:17,404
Ah!

375
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:22,375
[CLANGS]

376
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:26,279
[RALPH PANTING]

377
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:29,015
WOMAN:
Oh!

378
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:32,252
[WOMAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY]

379
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:37,324
My first test drive.

380
00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:40,260
How'd I do?

381
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:49,769
Oh...

382
00:17:49,836 --> 00:17:55,142
fudge!

383
00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:06,319
[CHUCKLES]

384
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:08,621
Yeah, actually it's been
a pretty good year.

385
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:11,224
Well, until the three stooges
turned up.

386
00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:13,626
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, you too.

387
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:16,929
Only because I go back
with your father

388
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,465
that I'm not bringing the cops.

389
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:21,668
I could help you close a deal
with him on that Olds.

390
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:22,902
He really wants it.

391
00:18:22,969 --> 00:18:25,638
We were just trying
to soften you up a little.

392
00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:27,840
Oh, the people you'll stab
in the back

393
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:30,076
when you're trying to save
your own skin.

394
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:31,644
What, you don't think
I know that?

395
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:33,413
"The back seat's
a little tight, Dad."

396
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,916
You two have been trying to pull
that since you could walk.

397
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:38,885
[SCHWARTZ LAUGHS]

398
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:39,986
Eighty-five bucks. Cash.

399
00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:41,087
FLICK & SCHWARTZ:
What?

400
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:42,522
That's what
a new top costs.

401
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,657
They can have it here
next week.

402
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:46,459
I can't get $85 by then.

403
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:48,895
Well, when do you think
you can get it?

404
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,363
Well, 1970 seems realistic.

405
00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:51,964
Okay, that's it,
I'm calling.

406
00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:53,166
No!

407
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:55,235
I will have it.

408
00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:56,536
All of it.

409
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:59,038
No, you won't.
You'll never get that much.

410
00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:01,308
You don't say that
in front of him.

411
00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:04,076
My friends underestimate
the depth of my resolve,

412
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,678
and my resourcefulness.

413
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:07,480
I like this kid.

414
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:13,085
Determination.
That's what gets things done.

415
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,987
So you get this done
by Christmas Eve

416
00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:17,824
or the only thing coming down
your chimney this year

417
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:20,092
will be the cops.

418
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,694
It was times like this

419
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:23,996
when you found out
who your friends were.

420
00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:25,498
The treaty that formed NATO

421
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,434
hadn't even been
thought of yet.

422
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,503
But on that day,
three young men from Indiana

423
00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:33,573
had already formulated
its founding principle:

424
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,210
An attack on one
is an attack on all.

425
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:44,951
This is X-5 to base.

426
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:49,155
I'm initiating reconnaissance
of General Kotar's evil lair.

427
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:51,358
Over and out.

428
00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:56,796
Nineteen dollars
and six cents.

429
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:57,864
Well, that's peachy.

430
00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:00,099
I put in 10, Schwartz.
How about you?

431
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:02,235
An entire roll of nickels.

432
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:03,636
That's two bucks,
Rockefeller.

433
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,071
SCHWARTZ:
What are you barking at me for?

434
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:06,606
I'm not the one
that wrecked a car.

435
00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:08,841
RALPH:
Only part of it.
And I wasn't even driving.

436
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:11,844
So what? You still owe
the guy, don't you?

437
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:18,751
What's most important, Ralph,
is that we--

438
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:19,986
We are all--

439
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:22,121
And come on in, Randy.
Oh!

440
00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:24,824
Ralphie wrecked a car?

441
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:25,825
Neat-o.

442
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:27,460
I swear,
you rat him out,

443
00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:29,662
I will show you what
you look like on the inside.

444
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,731
I swear, if you tell
Mom and Dad, I will cut--

445
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:34,967
Uh, nobody's ratting out
nobody.

446
00:20:35,034 --> 00:20:36,669
But he's right.

447
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:39,639
Someone's
gotta pay Hank.

448
00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:40,673
Oh, no.

449
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,809
Uh-uh.
I know where this is going.

450
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:44,076
You gotta tell him.

451
00:20:44,143 --> 00:20:45,645
No, I don't.
What, tell who?

452
00:20:45,712 --> 00:20:46,779
His old man.

453
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:49,115
Give me two minutes,
I want a running start.

454
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:50,116
[LAUGHS]

455
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:51,518
Forget it, Flick.

456
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,520
Last week, I dropped a bottle
of Dr. Pepper,

457
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,588
and he almost took my head off
for blowing the deposit.

458
00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:57,624
You want me to ask him
for 85 bucks?

459
00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:58,725
Why not?

460
00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:00,059
THE OLD MAN:
* Jingle bells

461
00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:01,828
Listen to him.
He's all jingly.

462
00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:05,765
* Jingle all the way

463
00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:06,599
Ha!

464
00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:08,034
Come on,
chin up, buddy.

465
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,402
We're right here
with you.

466
00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:11,538
Yeah, great.
He'll take your heads off too.

467
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,340
Uh, maybe we shouldn't
get involved.

468
00:21:13,406 --> 00:21:15,207
You know,
it's a family matter and all.

469
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:17,009
There's no choice,
Ralph.

470
00:21:17,076 --> 00:21:18,478
There's tons of choices.

471
00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:19,979
I could, uh--

472
00:21:20,046 --> 00:21:22,449
I could lay low at your house
for a couple of months.

473
00:21:22,515 --> 00:21:24,317
Or I can, uh--
I will join the Navy.

474
00:21:24,384 --> 00:21:25,752
I could join the Navy.

475
00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:29,055
Or I can-- I can change
my name and grow a beard.

476
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,957
Maybe not now, but soon.

477
00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:33,025
Or I can, uh-- I can--

478
00:21:33,092 --> 00:21:34,193
I can't feel my legs.

479
00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:36,095
Whoa.

480
00:21:36,162 --> 00:21:37,163
That's it. Easy.

481
00:21:37,229 --> 00:21:41,501
[CHAINS CLANGING]

482
00:21:41,568 --> 00:21:43,903
INMATE 1:
So long, kid.

483
00:21:43,970 --> 00:21:46,906
Are you sorry for your sins
in this life

484
00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:50,209
and do you wish
for absolution, my son?

485
00:21:50,276 --> 00:21:53,212
INMATE 2:
Dead kid walking.

486
00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:57,750
INMATE 3:
Go out like a man!

487
00:21:57,817 --> 00:21:59,819
No!

488
00:21:59,886 --> 00:22:01,287
No!

489
00:22:01,354 --> 00:22:03,222
No! No, please!

490
00:22:03,289 --> 00:22:04,924
Please, please!

491
00:22:04,991 --> 00:22:07,560
No!

492
00:22:08,528 --> 00:22:13,065
[THE OLD MAN SCATTING]

493
00:22:13,132 --> 00:22:14,601
* Over the fields we go

494
00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:16,869
* Ha, ha, ha
Laughing all the way *

495
00:22:16,936 --> 00:22:19,271
Hey, how's it going?

496
00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:21,474
Okay, I guess.

497
00:22:21,541 --> 00:22:23,175
Won't know
till we plug them in.

498
00:22:23,242 --> 00:22:24,444
If one of these bulbs
is bad,

499
00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:26,479
it makes the whole strand
worthless.

500
00:22:26,546 --> 00:22:28,415
[CHUCKLES]
Well, you know what they say,

501
00:22:28,481 --> 00:22:30,049
one bad apple, right?

502
00:22:30,116 --> 00:22:31,317
[CHUCKLES]

503
00:22:31,384 --> 00:22:32,419
Yeah, that's a good one,
Dad.

504
00:22:32,485 --> 00:22:33,820
A perennial.

505
00:22:37,924 --> 00:22:40,793
I was thinking
maybe we could sort of talk.

506
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:44,964
You can always talk to me,
Ralph, you know that.

507
00:22:45,031 --> 00:22:47,500
Good.

508
00:22:48,935 --> 00:22:50,369
Could I help you
with anything?

509
00:22:50,437 --> 00:22:52,238
Hold the ladder?
Mow the lawn?

510
00:22:52,304 --> 00:22:54,807
Uh-oh.
I know what that means.

511
00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:55,775
You do?

512
00:22:55,842 --> 00:22:56,909
Sure.

513
00:22:56,976 --> 00:22:58,911
It means you need
a little extra dough

514
00:22:58,978 --> 00:23:01,013
for Christmas, right?

515
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:02,348
Sure do.

516
00:23:02,415 --> 00:23:04,316
Well, you're lucky.

517
00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:06,018
I'm feeling extravagant
tonight.

518
00:23:06,085 --> 00:23:08,821
Yeah. Why don't you get
something nice for your mother.

519
00:23:08,888 --> 00:23:10,890
Huh?
Like perfume or a scarf.

520
00:23:10,957 --> 00:23:13,926
From you and Randy.
I'll give you a buck.

521
00:23:13,993 --> 00:23:14,994
I'll give you 2! Huh?

522
00:23:15,061 --> 00:23:16,195
[CHUCKLES]

523
00:23:16,262 --> 00:23:19,566
Thanks, Dad.
That's swell.

524
00:23:21,267 --> 00:23:23,470
Could I have 83 more?

525
00:23:26,038 --> 00:23:27,474
Why?

526
00:23:28,441 --> 00:23:29,375
What?

527
00:23:29,442 --> 00:23:33,646
[THE OLD MAN MUTTERING]

528
00:23:36,449 --> 00:23:37,717
No way.

529
00:23:37,784 --> 00:23:40,019
No way
on God's green Earth.

530
00:23:40,086 --> 00:23:42,388
But, Dad,
he wants to put me in jail.

531
00:23:42,455 --> 00:23:44,023
Please,
I will pay you back double.

532
00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:47,026
Well,
you're not gonna have to.

533
00:23:47,093 --> 00:23:49,662
Because there's no way
you're getting it from me!

534
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:58,104
I could give you the money,
but what would that teach you?

535
00:23:58,170 --> 00:23:59,171
How generous you are?

536
00:23:59,238 --> 00:24:00,873
Oh, no, no, no.

537
00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:03,009
No kid of mine
is growing up thinking

538
00:24:03,075 --> 00:24:06,345
that he can get somebody else
to buy his way out of a scrape.

539
00:24:06,412 --> 00:24:07,880
You need some money?

540
00:24:07,947 --> 00:24:10,550
You figure out a way
to come up with some.

541
00:24:10,617 --> 00:24:12,652
Hey,
you know what they say,

542
00:24:12,719 --> 00:24:16,322
you give a man a fish
and he'll eat for a day.

543
00:24:16,388 --> 00:24:18,357
Teach a man to fish,
he'll eat...

544
00:24:18,424 --> 00:24:20,960
[EXPLOSION]

545
00:24:21,027 --> 00:24:22,595
...forever.

546
00:24:23,663 --> 00:24:25,498
Well, just so you know,

547
00:24:25,565 --> 00:24:27,133
I'm pretty sure
any prison stretch

548
00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:28,300
would be minimal.

549
00:24:28,367 --> 00:24:29,836
And if you got
on a chain gang,

550
00:24:29,902 --> 00:24:33,472
you wouldn't have to sit
in a cell all day.

551
00:24:33,540 --> 00:24:35,675
Wouldn't hurt to ask.

552
00:24:39,045 --> 00:24:40,547
[**]

553
00:24:45,752 --> 00:24:48,154
Wait a second.

554
00:24:48,220 --> 00:24:49,656
It's Christmas, right?

555
00:24:49,722 --> 00:24:52,091
Higbee's will hire anybody
on Christmas.

556
00:24:52,158 --> 00:24:54,026
We'll go tomorrow.

557
00:24:54,093 --> 00:24:56,195
That's the ticket, guys.
Getting jobs.

558
00:24:56,262 --> 00:24:58,364
We'll work our butts off,
12 hours a day.

559
00:24:58,430 --> 00:25:00,567
Twelve hours a day?
I can't wait!

560
00:25:00,633 --> 00:25:04,937
Hank was right.
Determination got things done.

561
00:25:05,004 --> 00:25:07,306
I'd be the kind
of part-time holiday help

562
00:25:07,373 --> 00:25:08,440
that legends are made of.

563
00:25:08,507 --> 00:25:10,710
My fellow Americans,

564
00:25:10,777 --> 00:25:13,646
we are here today to honor
an exceptional young man.

565
00:25:14,513 --> 00:25:15,982
Ralph Parker,

566
00:25:16,048 --> 00:25:18,150
once again, you have set
the gold standard

567
00:25:18,217 --> 00:25:20,853
for your thousands
of fellow workers to follow.

568
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:23,422
Please accept this token
of your country's esteem,

569
00:25:23,489 --> 00:25:27,293
and my personal
congratulations.

570
00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:28,961
Thank you, Mr. President.

571
00:25:29,028 --> 00:25:31,263
[CROWD CHATTERING
AND APPLAUDING]

572
00:25:39,338 --> 00:25:40,840
Drucilla.

573
00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:52,318
CROWD:
Oh!

574
00:25:55,254 --> 00:25:57,023
MAN:
Bravo!

575
00:26:01,327 --> 00:26:03,763
[THE OLD MAN MUTTERING]

576
00:26:08,300 --> 00:26:09,902
[MUTTERING]

577
00:26:18,377 --> 00:26:20,647
[MUTTERING CONTINUOUS]

578
00:26:33,793 --> 00:26:36,195
[CONTINUES MUTTERING]

579
00:26:36,262 --> 00:26:37,897
Don't you dare.

580
00:26:37,964 --> 00:26:39,832
[SIGHS]

581
00:26:39,899 --> 00:26:42,034
Is everything all right,
dear?

582
00:26:49,275 --> 00:26:52,278
In the words of boxing great
Jack Dempsey,

583
00:26:52,344 --> 00:26:54,613
a champion is someone
who gets up,

584
00:26:54,681 --> 00:26:57,016
even when he can't.

585
00:27:02,655 --> 00:27:03,923
Oh, honey.

586
00:27:03,990 --> 00:27:07,159
What am I doing
looking for another car.

587
00:27:07,226 --> 00:27:09,896
When what really needs
to be tossed onto the junk heap

588
00:27:09,962 --> 00:27:13,065
is that worthless hunk of iron
in the basement!

589
00:27:19,706 --> 00:27:22,875
[FURNACE CLANGS]
[GRUNTS]

590
00:27:22,942 --> 00:27:26,645
[CLANGING]
Friggin'--

591
00:27:26,713 --> 00:27:30,683
[FURNACE CLANGS]
[MUTTERS]

592
00:27:30,750 --> 00:27:35,387
[FOOTSTEPS]

593
00:27:35,454 --> 00:27:36,856
[HEATING GUY LAUGHS]

594
00:27:36,923 --> 00:27:39,625
Yep. Thing's pretty much
on its last legs.

595
00:27:39,692 --> 00:27:41,027
Looks like it came
with the house.

596
00:27:41,093 --> 00:27:43,562
It was here when dinosaurs
roamed the Earth.

597
00:27:43,629 --> 00:27:45,031
The house came later.

598
00:27:45,097 --> 00:27:46,532
[CHUCKLES]

599
00:27:46,598 --> 00:27:47,867
So, what'd you have in mind?

600
00:27:47,934 --> 00:27:50,336
We got a sale
on the new forced-air models.

601
00:27:50,402 --> 00:27:51,470
Ooh.

602
00:27:51,537 --> 00:27:54,974
Some pretty good prices.

603
00:27:55,041 --> 00:27:58,177
All right.
I'm listening.

604
00:27:59,145 --> 00:28:00,646
Ah!

605
00:28:00,713 --> 00:28:04,083
And good day to you, sir.

606
00:28:04,150 --> 00:28:07,887
If you change your mind, sir,
we're in the book.

607
00:28:07,954 --> 00:28:09,455
Ow!

608
00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:11,690
["JOY TO THE WORLD" PLAYING]

609
00:28:20,632 --> 00:28:23,102
[THE OLD MAN MUTTERING]

610
00:28:23,169 --> 00:28:24,603
Would you forget
about the furnace?

611
00:28:24,670 --> 00:28:26,372
[THE OLD MAN GRUNTS]

612
00:28:30,642 --> 00:28:32,111
Hiya, Mrs. Parker.

613
00:28:32,178 --> 00:28:33,746
That time of year again,
huh?

614
00:28:33,813 --> 00:28:35,381
I know someone
who's pretty excited.

615
00:28:35,447 --> 00:28:36,682
[CHUCKLES]

616
00:28:36,749 --> 00:28:38,050
Been tasting it
since October, has he?

617
00:28:38,117 --> 00:28:39,118
[LAUGHS]

618
00:28:39,185 --> 00:28:40,386
Well, I saved
a special one for you,

619
00:28:40,452 --> 00:28:41,520
nice and plump.

620
00:28:41,587 --> 00:28:43,055
Hang on.

621
00:28:43,122 --> 00:28:45,858
Three-hundred ninety dollars,
for a furnace.

622
00:28:45,925 --> 00:28:47,493
What kind
of mutton-headed chump

623
00:28:47,559 --> 00:28:48,828
does he take me for?

624
00:28:48,895 --> 00:28:50,496
He seemed pretty honest
to me.

625
00:28:50,562 --> 00:28:52,398
He's a quacksalver.

626
00:28:52,464 --> 00:28:53,766
Telling me about furnaces.

627
00:28:53,833 --> 00:28:55,434
He doesn't think I know
about furnaces?

628
00:28:55,501 --> 00:28:56,568
I know about furnaces.

629
00:28:56,635 --> 00:28:57,904
You know how to swear
at them.

630
00:28:57,970 --> 00:29:00,306
Yeah, I know
how to buy them too, okay?

631
00:29:00,372 --> 00:29:02,408
Here's your Christmas turkey,
Mr. Parker.

632
00:29:02,474 --> 00:29:03,409
[LAUGHS]

633
00:29:03,475 --> 00:29:04,543
You folks enjoy now.

634
00:29:04,610 --> 00:29:05,744
Thank you.

635
00:29:05,812 --> 00:29:07,213
If I can pick up
a good used car,

636
00:29:07,279 --> 00:29:09,015
I can certainly pick up
a good used furnace,

637
00:29:09,081 --> 00:29:11,818
and you can take that
to the--

638
00:29:13,219 --> 00:29:16,088
I'm sorry, what is this?
A serial number or something?

639
00:29:16,155 --> 00:29:17,723
No, no. That's the price.

640
00:29:17,790 --> 00:29:19,758
No, that's a mistake.
Has to be.

641
00:29:19,826 --> 00:29:22,394
Uh, no, sir,
40 cents a pound.

642
00:29:22,461 --> 00:29:24,230
[SCOFFS]

643
00:29:26,565 --> 00:29:27,834
We can go now, dear.

644
00:29:27,900 --> 00:29:29,368
Oh, but-- But that's ours.
No.

645
00:29:29,435 --> 00:29:31,503
That was ours.
Now that's somebody else's.

646
00:29:31,570 --> 00:29:32,738
We're not paying for that.

647
00:29:32,805 --> 00:29:34,006
But you love turkey.

648
00:29:34,073 --> 00:29:35,407
You dream about turkey.

649
00:29:35,474 --> 00:29:39,078
Forty cents a pound?
Hell, why not 50?

650
00:29:39,145 --> 00:29:40,913
Why not a whole dollar?

651
00:29:40,980 --> 00:29:43,715
Huh? Why not
I just open up my wallet

652
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:45,617
and dump it out
on the floor?

653
00:29:45,684 --> 00:29:47,119
How about
a nice pot roast?

654
00:29:47,186 --> 00:29:48,955
Yeah? What's that gonna
set me back?

655
00:29:49,021 --> 00:29:51,490
A couple of house payments?
No, thank you.

656
00:29:51,557 --> 00:29:53,392
Sorry, George.

657
00:29:53,459 --> 00:29:55,027
Cheapskate.

658
00:29:55,094 --> 00:29:57,096
Wait-- Listen to me.

659
00:29:57,163 --> 00:29:59,665
We do this once a year.
Once.

660
00:29:59,731 --> 00:30:02,368
The drumsticks, the giblets.
Forty.

661
00:30:02,434 --> 00:30:04,103
Four, zero.

662
00:30:04,170 --> 00:30:05,704
We use it in sandwiches.

663
00:30:05,771 --> 00:30:07,673
We make turkey salad,
chili, soup.

664
00:30:07,739 --> 00:30:09,541
[GROANS]

665
00:30:09,608 --> 00:30:11,277
It never stops giving.

666
00:30:11,343 --> 00:30:14,313
Oh, honey, it's Christmas.
Let it go.

667
00:30:14,380 --> 00:30:15,447
I can't. No.

668
00:30:15,514 --> 00:30:17,783
There is no way
this family is getting suckered

669
00:30:17,850 --> 00:30:19,785
by this meat packer!

670
00:30:19,852 --> 00:30:21,453
All right, then.

671
00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:24,924
What are we supposed to eat
on Christmas Eve? Tell me that.

672
00:30:29,896 --> 00:30:31,830
Ice fishing?
Ice fishing?

673
00:30:31,898 --> 00:30:33,799
It's gonna save us
a fortune.

674
00:30:33,866 --> 00:30:35,234
Fish for Christmas.
Well, why not?

675
00:30:35,301 --> 00:30:37,669
The folks up the street
have fish every year.

676
00:30:37,736 --> 00:30:40,039
The Ragos are Italian.

677
00:30:40,106 --> 00:30:41,607
Hohman Lake is crawling
with perch.

678
00:30:41,673 --> 00:30:44,010
Christ, they're practically
gonna leap through the hole

679
00:30:44,076 --> 00:30:45,077
all on their own,

680
00:30:45,144 --> 00:30:46,745
and drive you home
to boot.

681
00:30:46,812 --> 00:30:49,181
Hey, little buddy. What do
you say, this year, we go out

682
00:30:49,248 --> 00:30:51,483
and we catch us
our Christmas dinner, huh?

683
00:30:51,550 --> 00:30:54,220
How about that
for some holiday fun?

684
00:30:55,521 --> 00:30:58,124
This couldn't possibly
end well.

685
00:30:59,658 --> 00:31:03,129
Every Christmas,
downtown Hohman was transformed

686
00:31:03,195 --> 00:31:05,031
into a sea of humanity.

687
00:31:05,097 --> 00:31:07,866
Motley hordes of blue-jowled
foundry workers

688
00:31:07,934 --> 00:31:09,501
and gray-faced
refinery men,

689
00:31:09,568 --> 00:31:12,404
trudging through wildly
pulsing department stores,

690
00:31:12,471 --> 00:31:14,873
trailed by millions
of leatherette-jacketed,

691
00:31:14,941 --> 00:31:16,275
high-topped,
mufflered kids,

692
00:31:16,342 --> 00:31:19,645
each with a gnawing hunger
to get it all.

693
00:31:19,711 --> 00:31:23,115
And there we were,
in the heart of the action.

694
00:31:25,184 --> 00:31:27,186
We landed on the beachhead

695
00:31:27,253 --> 00:31:28,787
known as
the Personnel Department.

696
00:31:28,854 --> 00:31:31,423
And there were three bowties
with our names on them.

697
00:31:31,490 --> 00:31:33,425
Now, follow me.
We were drafted.

698
00:31:33,492 --> 00:31:36,595
And consigned uniforms
without benefit of a physical.

699
00:31:36,662 --> 00:31:39,831
Fresh reinforcements
in the trenches of retaildom,

700
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:41,167
doing our part

701
00:31:41,233 --> 00:31:43,135
to grease the wheels
of commerce.

702
00:31:43,202 --> 00:31:46,272
It was an honor to serve.

703
00:31:46,338 --> 00:31:48,807
So you pull it out,
like so.

704
00:31:48,874 --> 00:31:50,109
You take the width,

705
00:31:50,176 --> 00:31:52,678
you double it, add half.

706
00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:53,779
Got it?

707
00:31:53,845 --> 00:31:54,947
Um--

708
00:31:55,014 --> 00:31:56,015
Of course you do.

709
00:31:56,082 --> 00:31:58,517
[LAUGHS]
You're a natural.

710
00:31:58,584 --> 00:31:59,918
All together now.

711
00:31:59,986 --> 00:32:01,353
Take the width,
Take the width,

712
00:32:01,420 --> 00:32:02,754
double it,
double it,

713
00:32:02,821 --> 00:32:04,290
and add half.
add half.

714
00:32:04,356 --> 00:32:05,591
HILDRED [CHUCKLES]:
Yes.

715
00:32:05,657 --> 00:32:07,359
Bingo.

716
00:32:07,426 --> 00:32:08,394
Well, good luck.

717
00:32:08,460 --> 00:32:09,595
[CHUCKLES]

718
00:32:15,734 --> 00:32:18,770
Did she leave us?

719
00:32:18,837 --> 00:32:20,506
She left us.

720
00:32:29,081 --> 00:32:31,017
MOTHER:
I thought we were
going shopping.

721
00:32:31,083 --> 00:32:33,585
Just one quick stop.

722
00:32:33,652 --> 00:32:36,222
I went through those old
newspapers out in the garage.

723
00:32:36,288 --> 00:32:38,090
Old real estate listings.

724
00:32:38,157 --> 00:32:40,959
Lot of people remodel
after they buy.

725
00:32:41,027 --> 00:32:43,629
Soup to nuts.

726
00:32:43,695 --> 00:32:45,998
Wanna know
who the future belongs to?

727
00:32:46,065 --> 00:32:48,867
People with information.

728
00:32:48,934 --> 00:32:50,302
You just missed out.

729
00:32:50,369 --> 00:32:52,204
Yeah, they hauled
the old one away last week.

730
00:32:52,271 --> 00:32:54,240
See? You hear that?
What'd I tell you?

731
00:32:54,306 --> 00:32:55,874
Ah, she was a beaut too.

732
00:32:55,941 --> 00:32:57,609
A vintage
Jackman-Henderson.

733
00:32:57,676 --> 00:33:00,446
Yeah, they put in one of those
new central systems.

734
00:33:00,512 --> 00:33:01,613
Heats and cools.

735
00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,383
Don't we have
a Jackman-Henderson?

736
00:33:04,450 --> 00:33:07,019
He can't stand ours.
He throws his tools at it.

737
00:33:07,086 --> 00:33:09,255
It's still
a reliable brand, dear.

738
00:33:09,321 --> 00:33:11,290
I just don't see
why we can't get a new one.

739
00:33:11,357 --> 00:33:13,425
You were so frustrated
yesterday.

740
00:33:13,492 --> 00:33:15,127
But he thinks
he can fix anything.

741
00:33:15,194 --> 00:33:18,730
Last year, he thought
he could fix the fuse box.

742
00:33:18,797 --> 00:33:20,732
We didn't have electricity
for three days.

743
00:33:20,799 --> 00:33:22,301
That's enough, dear.

744
00:33:22,368 --> 00:33:24,970
We had to throw out everything
in the fridge.

745
00:33:25,037 --> 00:33:27,373
If you come across another one,
maybe you can give a holler

746
00:33:27,439 --> 00:33:28,874
I'll keep you in mind, okay?

747
00:33:28,940 --> 00:33:30,008
Thanks.

748
00:33:30,076 --> 00:33:33,945
We can go now, dear.

749
00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:35,481
Did I say something wrong?

750
00:33:35,547 --> 00:33:38,450
You didn't have to tell him
every detail.

751
00:33:42,088 --> 00:33:43,522
By the way,

752
00:33:43,589 --> 00:33:45,991
you didn't have to throw
everything out.

753
00:33:46,058 --> 00:33:49,161
The condiments kept fine.

754
00:33:49,228 --> 00:33:52,564
He dragged her to two more
houses that afternoon.

755
00:33:52,631 --> 00:33:54,700
And five the next.

756
00:33:54,766 --> 00:33:56,702
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

757
00:34:01,006 --> 00:34:04,143
Please?

758
00:34:04,210 --> 00:34:06,412
Wait, Schwartz,
double it twice, right?

759
00:34:06,478 --> 00:34:09,581
No, you idiot.
Double it then add half.

760
00:34:11,583 --> 00:34:12,984
All right, next.

761
00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:15,354
[ALL SHOUTING]

762
00:34:15,421 --> 00:34:17,656
I want to know
where my tea set is.

763
00:34:17,723 --> 00:34:19,825
Uh, ma'am, please,
be patient.

764
00:34:19,891 --> 00:34:22,228
You try being patient
with a 10-week-old.

765
00:34:22,294 --> 00:34:23,429
Mommy's here, pumpkin.

766
00:34:23,495 --> 00:34:24,763
[CRYING]

767
00:34:24,830 --> 00:34:26,998
[FLICK MUMBLING]

768
00:34:27,065 --> 00:34:28,467
[GRUNTING]

769
00:34:28,534 --> 00:34:30,336
I've been waiting
for 10 minutes.

770
00:34:30,402 --> 00:34:31,603
Yes.

771
00:34:31,670 --> 00:34:33,239
SCHWARTZ:
How could she just ditch us?

772
00:34:33,305 --> 00:34:34,873
Where the heck is she?

773
00:34:34,940 --> 00:34:37,075
[CHUCKLES]
Peace on Earth.

774
00:34:39,178 --> 00:34:41,147
[COUGHING]

775
00:34:41,213 --> 00:34:43,682
[ALL SHOUTING]

776
00:34:46,252 --> 00:34:47,319
Where are my kids?

777
00:34:47,386 --> 00:34:48,754
It's the wrong package.

778
00:34:48,820 --> 00:34:51,157
Please, everyone,
we are doing our best.

779
00:34:51,223 --> 00:34:52,458
[SCREAMS]

780
00:34:52,524 --> 00:34:55,060
My baby!
Where's my baby?

781
00:34:55,127 --> 00:34:57,296
[BABY WHIMPERING]

782
00:34:57,363 --> 00:35:00,065
[BABY CRYING]

783
00:35:00,132 --> 00:35:01,133
[SIGHS]

784
00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:03,202
[THUDDING]

785
00:35:03,269 --> 00:35:04,336
[BABY CRYING]

786
00:35:04,403 --> 00:35:06,338
You wrapped her daughter?

787
00:35:06,405 --> 00:35:09,074
I put a pink bow on it.

788
00:35:09,141 --> 00:35:10,876
[BABY WHIMPERING]

789
00:35:16,515 --> 00:35:17,849
Follow me.

790
00:35:19,918 --> 00:35:21,953
Observe.

791
00:35:22,020 --> 00:35:23,155
Excuse me, miss.

792
00:35:23,222 --> 00:35:24,623
Care to sample
our new fragrance?

793
00:35:24,690 --> 00:35:26,925
Mm-hm.

794
00:35:26,992 --> 00:35:29,495
[CHUCKLES]
Mm.

795
00:35:29,561 --> 00:35:31,797
You think
you can manage that?

796
00:35:49,981 --> 00:35:52,184
Miss, would you care to sample
our new fragrance?

797
00:35:52,251 --> 00:35:53,485
Mm.

798
00:35:53,552 --> 00:35:54,953
Oh!

799
00:35:55,020 --> 00:35:56,888
[**]

800
00:36:23,215 --> 00:36:25,351
That's okay.

801
00:36:37,329 --> 00:36:39,465
[BARKING]
[SCHWARTZ SCREAMING]

802
00:36:43,969 --> 00:36:45,737
[GRUNTS]

803
00:36:45,804 --> 00:36:47,439
Whoo!

804
00:36:48,940 --> 00:36:51,042
Definitely not.

805
00:36:51,109 --> 00:36:52,678
Oh.

806
00:36:54,179 --> 00:36:55,113
Sample, ma'am?

807
00:36:55,180 --> 00:36:57,082
Yes, please. Thank you.

808
00:36:57,148 --> 00:36:58,884
One second.

809
00:36:58,950 --> 00:36:59,918
Sure.

810
00:36:59,985 --> 00:37:02,821
Jammed.

811
00:37:02,888 --> 00:37:05,791
Oh!
Oh!

812
00:37:05,857 --> 00:37:06,958
Ooh!

813
00:37:11,229 --> 00:37:12,197
[GRUNTS]

814
00:37:12,264 --> 00:37:14,333
[GRUNTS]

815
00:37:16,702 --> 00:37:18,304
Ah!

816
00:37:19,905 --> 00:37:22,240
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Here, here.

817
00:37:22,308 --> 00:37:23,542
Here we go.

818
00:37:23,609 --> 00:37:25,110
Um?

819
00:37:25,176 --> 00:37:27,313
Hmm.

820
00:37:33,919 --> 00:37:35,921
[WHIMPERING]

821
00:37:37,523 --> 00:37:40,158
SAILOR:
You better run!

822
00:37:40,225 --> 00:37:42,794
[LAUGHING]

823
00:37:42,861 --> 00:37:45,297
[CROWD LAUGHING]

824
00:37:49,601 --> 00:37:52,971
So you owe us
for the mannequin,

825
00:37:53,038 --> 00:37:55,841
a refund for that
baby's mother, of course,

826
00:37:55,907 --> 00:37:57,843
the broken stemware
upstairs.

827
00:37:57,909 --> 00:38:01,347
You really hit the jackpot
on that one.

828
00:38:01,413 --> 00:38:03,349
What you've earned
is in this column,

829
00:38:03,415 --> 00:38:05,951
what you owe
is over here.

830
00:38:08,587 --> 00:38:10,556
Well, at least
we didn't get canned.

831
00:38:10,622 --> 00:38:12,257
You're not kidding.

832
00:38:12,324 --> 00:38:13,825
Talk about a break.

833
00:38:13,892 --> 00:38:15,361
Because he felt
sorry for us.

834
00:38:15,427 --> 00:38:16,828
If you ask me,
being pitied

835
00:38:16,895 --> 00:38:19,465
is a pretty good way
to go through life.

836
00:38:19,531 --> 00:38:22,468
Hey! Parker!

837
00:38:24,202 --> 00:38:25,537
Hey, you'll get your money.

838
00:38:25,604 --> 00:38:27,639
We all got jobs,
and our first day was today.

839
00:38:27,706 --> 00:38:30,976
So far we're at minus $12.

840
00:38:33,812 --> 00:38:36,715
FLICK:
What are you blabbing
your mouth for?

841
00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:49,995
Now.

842
00:38:50,061 --> 00:38:52,598
Just stamp both copies,

843
00:38:53,799 --> 00:38:55,834
file the yellow one
in the tray,

844
00:38:55,901 --> 00:39:00,238
and send the pink one
off to shipping.

845
00:39:00,305 --> 00:39:01,973
[AIR WHIRRING]

846
00:39:03,509 --> 00:39:06,077
You think
you can handle that?

847
00:39:08,179 --> 00:39:10,649
Not inspiring confidence.

848
00:39:13,084 --> 00:39:16,388
Oh, The Old Man prepared
for ice fishing

849
00:39:16,455 --> 00:39:18,156
the same way
Attila the Hun got ready

850
00:39:18,223 --> 00:39:19,925
to plunder the Balkans.

851
00:39:19,991 --> 00:39:23,895
There would be no prisoners
on Hohman Lake this Christmas.

852
00:39:23,962 --> 00:39:25,897
[SQUAWKING]

853
00:39:32,404 --> 00:39:35,140
[THE OLD MAN GRUNTS]

854
00:39:35,206 --> 00:39:36,307
THE OLD MAN:
Ah!

855
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:39,277
Six inches,
not a whit more.

856
00:39:39,344 --> 00:39:41,780
Don't wanna tip them off
they've got company, right?

857
00:39:41,847 --> 00:39:44,783
These walleye
are crafty bastards.

858
00:39:44,850 --> 00:39:46,818
How come we're the only ones
out here?

859
00:39:46,885 --> 00:39:49,755
Well, maybe because
everybody else is a sucker

860
00:39:49,821 --> 00:39:52,991
who doesn't mind spending
40 cents a pound for a bird

861
00:39:53,058 --> 00:39:54,460
that can't even fly.

862
00:39:54,526 --> 00:39:56,862
But not us, right, pal?
Sure, Dad.

863
00:39:56,928 --> 00:39:58,063
[LAUGHS]

864
00:39:58,129 --> 00:40:02,668
All right, now let's get us
a big fish. Hmm?

865
00:40:03,368 --> 00:40:05,804
[LAUGHS]

866
00:40:09,541 --> 00:40:12,377
Can we go now?

867
00:40:12,444 --> 00:40:14,279
We just started.

868
00:40:14,345 --> 00:40:17,783
It's so cold.
It's not cold.

869
00:40:17,849 --> 00:40:19,718
It's crisp.

870
00:40:19,785 --> 00:40:22,053
Fishing is all about
patience, son.

871
00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:23,789
Buck up.

872
00:40:23,855 --> 00:40:26,324
The sun's coming out, huh?

873
00:40:26,391 --> 00:40:28,494
It'll be a great day.

874
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:30,295
[SIGHS]

875
00:40:30,361 --> 00:40:32,764
[WIND WHISTLING]

876
00:40:32,831 --> 00:40:35,033
This is why my brother Randy

877
00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:37,135
still lives
in Fort Lauderdale.

878
00:40:39,270 --> 00:40:40,472
THE OLD MAN:
I knew it.

879
00:40:40,539 --> 00:40:42,641
It's my jigging.

880
00:40:42,708 --> 00:40:44,409
Technique's all wrong.

881
00:40:44,476 --> 00:40:47,245
I've gotta move
the pole more. Right?

882
00:40:47,312 --> 00:40:48,446
Raise and drop,

883
00:40:48,514 --> 00:40:50,482
raise and drop,

884
00:40:50,549 --> 00:40:51,850
raise and drop.

885
00:40:51,917 --> 00:40:54,920
That's how you get them
to come up to the top.

886
00:40:54,986 --> 00:40:55,921
[PHONE RINGING]

887
00:40:55,987 --> 00:40:57,589
Tomorrow is the day,
little angler.

888
00:40:57,656 --> 00:40:59,758
We'll get out there
bright and early, huh?

889
00:40:59,825 --> 00:41:01,827
[PHONE RINGING]
[MOUTHING] Help me.

890
00:41:01,893 --> 00:41:04,129
THE OLD MAN:
Parker's. It's your dime.

891
00:41:04,195 --> 00:41:06,498
Why, yes.

892
00:41:06,565 --> 00:41:08,366
I am indeed.

893
00:41:08,433 --> 00:41:09,601
Let me get a pen.

894
00:41:09,668 --> 00:41:11,336
Sweetheart,
you should be honored

895
00:41:11,402 --> 00:41:12,938
your father let's you go
with him.

896
00:41:13,004 --> 00:41:14,506
Ralphie didn't get
to go fishing

897
00:41:14,573 --> 00:41:16,274
till he was well past
puberty.

898
00:41:16,341 --> 00:41:18,544
Ralphie has all the luck.

899
00:41:18,610 --> 00:41:20,779
Absolutely.

900
00:41:20,846 --> 00:41:23,414
I certainly will.
Yes, and thank you.

901
00:41:23,481 --> 00:41:24,616
[LAUGHS]

902
00:41:24,683 --> 00:41:25,884
What'd I tell you?

903
00:41:25,951 --> 00:41:27,485
That was the contractor
we met.

904
00:41:27,553 --> 00:41:28,920
I told him to call me

905
00:41:28,987 --> 00:41:30,822
if he came across
any decent furnaces.

906
00:41:30,889 --> 00:41:32,524
Well, is this decent enough
for you?

907
00:41:32,591 --> 00:41:35,594
He's got a 9-year-old
Oil-O-Matic.

908
00:41:35,661 --> 00:41:38,063
Mint condition,
a hundred and eighty bucks.

909
00:41:38,129 --> 00:41:40,031
He'll even throw in
free installation,

910
00:41:40,098 --> 00:41:41,967
and he'll bring it by
in the morning.

911
00:41:42,033 --> 00:41:44,202
Doesn't 9 years old
mean used?

912
00:41:44,269 --> 00:41:47,005
What difference does it make?
It's an Oil-O-Matic.

913
00:41:48,339 --> 00:41:51,376
The kind Gene Autry sings about
on the ads.

914
00:41:51,442 --> 00:41:53,111
* Oil-O-Matic

915
00:41:53,178 --> 00:41:54,980
* My, oh, my

916
00:41:55,046 --> 00:41:58,083
* Kiss furnace-nursing
Bye, goodbye *

917
00:41:58,149 --> 00:42:00,619
[FURNACE CLANGING
AND GROANING]

918
00:42:05,724 --> 00:42:07,225
Excuse me.

919
00:42:11,697 --> 00:42:14,800
Go ahead, live it up!

920
00:42:14,866 --> 00:42:17,368
It's your last night
on Earth!

921
00:42:17,435 --> 00:42:19,871
[MUTTERING]

922
00:42:26,678 --> 00:42:29,781
Okay, Mike.
Fire it up.

923
00:42:29,848 --> 00:42:34,152
[FURNACE CLANGING]

924
00:42:34,219 --> 00:42:36,588
[BANGING]

925
00:42:36,655 --> 00:42:39,290
[HUMMING]

926
00:42:41,526 --> 00:42:44,262
My God.

927
00:42:44,329 --> 00:42:46,665
Listen to that.

928
00:42:46,732 --> 00:42:49,467
[BOTH LAUGHING]

929
00:42:49,534 --> 00:42:52,070
Please don't make me
go back there.

930
00:42:52,137 --> 00:42:53,338
I'm begging you.

931
00:42:53,404 --> 00:42:56,842
Oh, honey, a good space cadet
follows orders.

932
00:42:56,908 --> 00:42:58,076
Play your cards right,

933
00:42:58,143 --> 00:43:00,245
he might let you
hold the pole today.

934
00:43:00,311 --> 00:43:03,548
Who cares?
He's never gonna catch a fish.

935
00:43:03,615 --> 00:43:05,684
[WHIMPERS]

936
00:43:05,751 --> 00:43:07,518
What's with him?

937
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:09,721
Oh, he's just excited.

938
00:43:09,788 --> 00:43:11,422
So have they finished?

939
00:43:11,489 --> 00:43:13,391
Listen. Huh?

940
00:43:13,458 --> 00:43:14,525
It hums.

941
00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:15,727
I don't hear anything.

942
00:43:15,794 --> 00:43:17,562
It's there. Trust me.

943
00:43:17,629 --> 00:43:21,066
You don't hear it
because you don't hear it.

944
00:43:21,132 --> 00:43:22,734
[BOTH LAUGH]

945
00:43:22,801 --> 00:43:24,803
Six months later,

946
00:43:24,870 --> 00:43:27,105
he'd have these two
in small claims court.

947
00:43:27,172 --> 00:43:28,273
But no matter,

948
00:43:28,339 --> 00:43:30,608
it was time
to savor the moment.

949
00:43:33,845 --> 00:43:36,014
You're right.
I can hear it.

950
00:43:36,081 --> 00:43:37,615
No, no, no.
Don't patronize me.

951
00:43:37,683 --> 00:43:38,817
I can.

952
00:43:38,884 --> 00:43:39,985
There's a hum.

953
00:43:40,051 --> 00:43:42,253
You're darn right there is.

954
00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:44,022
It's the hum of success.

955
00:43:44,089 --> 00:43:45,356
[LAUGHS]

956
00:43:45,423 --> 00:43:46,391
Let's roll, Randy boy.

957
00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:49,027
Time to hit the hole.

958
00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:58,203
[CRACKING]
Ah!

959
00:43:58,269 --> 00:43:59,738
What is it?
What did you do?

960
00:43:59,805 --> 00:44:01,039
My tooth.

961
00:44:01,106 --> 00:44:02,273
Ow!

962
00:44:02,340 --> 00:44:05,176
Uh-oh, you broke a filling.
My tooth.

963
00:44:05,243 --> 00:44:07,713
Honey, can you go it alone
today?

964
00:44:07,779 --> 00:44:09,715
I don't think
there's a choice, I guess.

965
00:44:09,781 --> 00:44:11,783
I'm sorry.
I'll bring you some soup later.

966
00:44:11,850 --> 00:44:14,285
But right now I need to get
Randy to Dr. Strassen.

967
00:44:14,352 --> 00:44:16,521
[WHIMPERING]
Dr. Strassen? No, no, no, no.

968
00:44:16,587 --> 00:44:18,456
[CHUCKLING]
I'm fine. I'm great.

969
00:44:18,523 --> 00:44:19,691
Let's go fishing.

970
00:44:19,758 --> 00:44:21,459
All right.
Let's go fishing.

971
00:44:21,526 --> 00:44:22,627
Come here.

972
00:44:22,694 --> 00:44:24,730
No! No, I don't wanna go.

973
00:44:24,796 --> 00:44:26,064
Dad needs me.

974
00:44:26,131 --> 00:44:27,265
I don't wanna go with you.

975
00:44:27,332 --> 00:44:29,634
It's just a rite of manhood.
No!

976
00:44:29,701 --> 00:44:31,369
No!

977
00:44:31,436 --> 00:44:33,671
No, not Dr. Strassen!

978
00:44:33,739 --> 00:44:35,406
MOTHER: Randy!
The boy wants to go fishing!

979
00:44:45,483 --> 00:44:47,886
[WHIRRING AND THUDDING]

980
00:44:52,190 --> 00:44:55,626
This is green.
We don't do green.

981
00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:56,995
Wait, what's the problem?

982
00:44:57,062 --> 00:44:58,663
Yellow tray, pink ship.

983
00:44:58,730 --> 00:45:00,866
He never said nothing
about green.

984
00:45:00,932 --> 00:45:02,367
You know what this means,
right?

985
00:45:02,433 --> 00:45:03,969
We gotta
close the store.

986
00:45:04,035 --> 00:45:06,004
Say it ain't so, Schwartzie,
not the green.

987
00:45:06,071 --> 00:45:08,807
All right, calm down.

988
00:45:08,874 --> 00:45:11,109
We'll go find out.

989
00:45:13,912 --> 00:45:15,380
[AIR WHIRRING]

990
00:45:19,284 --> 00:45:21,352
Well, you know what they say,

991
00:45:21,419 --> 00:45:23,621
those who cannot remember
the past

992
00:45:23,688 --> 00:45:25,957
are condemned to repeat it.

993
00:45:29,460 --> 00:45:31,897
[THUDDING]
[GASPS]

994
00:45:40,305 --> 00:45:42,273
Not again.

995
00:45:47,612 --> 00:45:48,746
You three,
come with me.

996
00:45:48,814 --> 00:45:50,248
Quickly.
Huh?

997
00:45:50,315 --> 00:45:53,284
There's been a bit of an
incident at the North Pole.

998
00:45:53,351 --> 00:45:54,619
We've lost the elves.

999
00:45:54,685 --> 00:45:55,787
But our tubes.

1000
00:45:55,854 --> 00:45:58,756
Nuts to your tubes.
Come on.

1001
00:46:01,626 --> 00:46:03,361
Ho, ho, ho!

1002
00:46:03,428 --> 00:46:07,232
And what do you want under
the tree Christmas morning?

1003
00:46:07,298 --> 00:46:09,500
Bobby wants
a new swing set?

1004
00:46:09,567 --> 00:46:11,002
Well, isn't that nice.

1005
00:46:11,069 --> 00:46:12,470
You know what Santa wants?

1006
00:46:12,537 --> 00:46:14,739
A wife who doesn't
hike up her skirt

1007
00:46:14,806 --> 00:46:16,441
every time a salesman
comes calling.

1008
00:46:16,507 --> 00:46:18,476
And neither of us
are getting what we want.

1009
00:46:18,543 --> 00:46:19,544
Go on, get out of here.

1010
00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:20,711
Next.

1011
00:46:20,778 --> 00:46:22,247
SANTA:
Ho, ho, ho!

1012
00:46:22,313 --> 00:46:23,614
Come on up.

1013
00:46:23,681 --> 00:46:25,650
Now, just get them
on his lap

1014
00:46:25,716 --> 00:46:27,252
and get them off.

1015
00:46:27,318 --> 00:46:28,920
What happened
to the real elves?

1016
00:46:28,987 --> 00:46:31,089
They tried to start a union.

1017
00:46:31,156 --> 00:46:32,690
Now go on,
keep that line moving.

1018
00:46:32,757 --> 00:46:35,861
Go, go, go,
go, go, go, go.

1019
00:46:39,330 --> 00:46:40,899
PAPERBOY:
Extra! Extra!

1020
00:46:40,966 --> 00:46:43,668
RANDY:
I don't wanna go!

1021
00:46:43,734 --> 00:46:45,736
No! Stop, he's evil!

1022
00:46:45,803 --> 00:46:47,372
He's a wonderful dentist.

1023
00:46:47,438 --> 00:46:49,674
Randy!
No!

1024
00:46:49,740 --> 00:46:52,043
Gunter Strassen, DDS.

1025
00:46:52,110 --> 00:46:54,679
The most feared name
in Lake County,

1026
00:46:54,745 --> 00:46:56,314
known to every kid
in Hohman

1027
00:46:56,381 --> 00:46:58,583
as the Butcher
of Berwyn Avenue.

1028
00:46:58,649 --> 00:47:01,419
Somebody help! No!
Oh, Randy!

1029
00:47:01,486 --> 00:47:04,923
The Butcher had a drill
he pedaled with his foot.

1030
00:47:04,990 --> 00:47:08,659
The Butcher had little use
for such newfangled novelties

1031
00:47:08,726 --> 00:47:09,660
as Novocain.

1032
00:47:09,727 --> 00:47:12,197
Ah.

1033
00:47:12,263 --> 00:47:15,466
[WHIRRING]

1034
00:47:15,533 --> 00:47:17,335
[RANDY SCREAMING]

1035
00:47:17,402 --> 00:47:20,038
[LAUGHING]

1036
00:47:20,105 --> 00:47:22,307
[RANDY SCREAMING]
[STRASSEN LAUGHING]

1037
00:47:27,612 --> 00:47:29,380
Ah.

1038
00:47:29,447 --> 00:47:31,182
RECEPTIONIST:
Sweet, isn't it?

1039
00:47:31,249 --> 00:47:34,685
[STRASSEN LAUGHING]
[DRILL WHIRRING]

1040
00:47:34,752 --> 00:47:36,988
Ho, ho, ho.

1041
00:47:37,055 --> 00:47:39,024
All right.
Look over there, genius.

1042
00:47:39,090 --> 00:47:41,159
That's the ticket.

1043
00:47:41,226 --> 00:47:42,860
What's your story?
What do you want?

1044
00:47:42,928 --> 00:47:44,229
Can I get a Slinky?

1045
00:47:44,295 --> 00:47:46,197
A Slinky?
Mm-hm.

1046
00:47:46,264 --> 00:47:48,633
You mean to say you waited
two hours in line

1047
00:47:48,699 --> 00:47:49,834
to ask for a bed spring?

1048
00:47:49,901 --> 00:47:51,736
That's it?

1049
00:47:51,802 --> 00:47:53,671
[CHUCKLES]
Come on, kid, dream big.

1050
00:47:53,738 --> 00:47:55,406
Next.

1051
00:47:55,473 --> 00:47:56,908
[GROANS]

1052
00:47:56,975 --> 00:48:00,145
There now.
It wasn't so bad, was it?

1053
00:48:00,211 --> 00:48:02,713
Okay, yeah,
it was a nightmare.

1054
00:48:02,780 --> 00:48:04,415
I don't know
how you did it?

1055
00:48:04,482 --> 00:48:05,416
[WHIMPERS]

1056
00:48:05,483 --> 00:48:06,684
Very brave.

1057
00:48:06,751 --> 00:48:08,453
My little soldier.

1058
00:48:08,519 --> 00:48:10,055
Oh!

1059
00:48:10,121 --> 00:48:11,756
A little further.

1060
00:48:11,822 --> 00:48:15,426
Ho, ho, ho.

1061
00:48:15,493 --> 00:48:17,595
[SANTA GRUNTS]

1062
00:48:19,197 --> 00:48:21,532
Come on, Eisenstaedt.
Do your thing.

1063
00:48:23,701 --> 00:48:26,637
All right, what can Santa
get for you, sport?

1064
00:48:32,477 --> 00:48:34,079
[SANTA SIGHS]

1065
00:48:34,145 --> 00:48:36,514
Welcome to the wax museum.

1066
00:48:36,581 --> 00:48:38,849
Come on, spill it.

1067
00:48:38,916 --> 00:48:40,318
It's okay, buddy.

1068
00:48:40,385 --> 00:48:42,420
Just tell Santa
what you want.

1069
00:48:47,158 --> 00:48:48,960
Could you bring me
a tire?

1070
00:48:49,027 --> 00:48:50,828
A tire?

1071
00:48:50,895 --> 00:48:52,530
You mean
like a bicycle tire?

1072
00:48:52,597 --> 00:48:54,732
A car tire.

1073
00:48:54,799 --> 00:48:56,167
SANTA:
A car tire?

1074
00:48:56,234 --> 00:48:58,903
What the heck are you gonna do
with a car tire?

1075
00:48:58,970 --> 00:49:01,406
That's just weird.
Get him out of here.

1076
00:49:06,311 --> 00:49:09,014
Hey, knock-knees,
come here.

1077
00:49:10,748 --> 00:49:12,150
What was that all about?

1078
00:49:12,217 --> 00:49:15,520
I just think you could go
a little easier on them,

1079
00:49:15,586 --> 00:49:16,521
that's all.

1080
00:49:16,587 --> 00:49:18,256
Excuse me.

1081
00:49:18,323 --> 00:49:20,658
I've been delighting children
for 19 years.

1082
00:49:20,725 --> 00:49:21,892
Don't you step on my turf.

1083
00:49:21,959 --> 00:49:23,294
No.

1084
00:49:23,361 --> 00:49:25,263
We should hold Santa
to a higher standard.

1085
00:49:25,330 --> 00:49:27,032
I mean, you're taking
the spirit out of it.

1086
00:49:27,098 --> 00:49:28,333
You want dispirited?

1087
00:49:28,399 --> 00:49:30,101
Come spend the day
at my house.

1088
00:49:30,168 --> 00:49:32,803
[MIMICKING WIFE]
"Get off your lard ass
and make some money."

1089
00:49:32,870 --> 00:49:36,074
Yeah, so she can spend it
on punchboards and cheap gin.

1090
00:49:36,141 --> 00:49:37,375
That's dispirited.

1091
00:49:37,442 --> 00:49:40,611
I wanna see him now!
Me too, fat stuff!

1092
00:49:40,678 --> 00:49:42,713
Come on, Ralph,
this guy's hopeless.

1093
00:49:42,780 --> 00:49:43,914
Uh, let's keep it moving.

1094
00:49:43,981 --> 00:49:45,616
Ralphie's entitled
to his opinion.

1095
00:49:45,683 --> 00:49:47,785
He has more Christmas spirit
than this bum.

1096
00:49:47,852 --> 00:49:49,220
I'm sitting right here.

1097
00:49:49,287 --> 00:49:50,455
And you shouldn't be.

1098
00:49:50,521 --> 00:49:51,956
You're a disgrace
to that uniform.

1099
00:49:52,023 --> 00:49:53,791
And you know what?

1100
00:49:53,858 --> 00:49:55,893
No more kids for you.
What?

1101
00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:58,996
Everyone,
you can all go home.

1102
00:49:59,064 --> 00:50:00,965
ALL: What?
No more Santa for you.

1103
00:50:01,032 --> 00:50:03,134
He is not worth it.

1104
00:50:03,201 --> 00:50:05,703
No Santa? What?

1105
00:50:05,770 --> 00:50:08,106
Ooh. You tell them, chief.

1106
00:50:08,173 --> 00:50:10,108
Are you crazy?
You see this line?

1107
00:50:10,175 --> 00:50:12,177
It keeps going
with the curve of the Earth.

1108
00:50:12,243 --> 00:50:15,346
Now be a good elf
and get some more kids.

1109
00:50:17,648 --> 00:50:19,584
Did you just hit me?

1110
00:50:19,650 --> 00:50:21,652
No, I pushed you.

1111
00:50:21,719 --> 00:50:22,620
There's a difference.

1112
00:50:22,687 --> 00:50:24,189
Uh, guys.

1113
00:50:24,255 --> 00:50:28,193
You mean like this
versus this?

1114
00:50:28,259 --> 00:50:31,462
[LAUGHS]
Here we go, elf fight.

1115
00:50:31,529 --> 00:50:32,763
Oh, yeah.

1116
00:50:32,830 --> 00:50:33,831
Guy-- Uh, guys, guys.

1117
00:50:33,898 --> 00:50:35,133
No, no, no, no, no.

1118
00:50:35,200 --> 00:50:38,503
SANTA:
Ah, bringing out the weapons.

1119
00:50:38,569 --> 00:50:40,271
Swing! Oh, yeah!

1120
00:50:40,338 --> 00:50:41,672
Guys, are you crazy?

1121
00:50:41,739 --> 00:50:42,707
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

1122
00:50:42,773 --> 00:50:44,809
You're gonna
get us fired, man. Ah!

1123
00:50:44,875 --> 00:50:45,910
SANTA:
Oh!

1124
00:50:45,976 --> 00:50:47,578
You see that,
boys and girls?

1125
00:50:47,645 --> 00:50:49,680
That's me and Mrs. Claus

1126
00:50:49,747 --> 00:50:52,150
every single night.

1127
00:50:52,217 --> 00:50:54,952
Time to slide down
through the chimney

1128
00:50:55,019 --> 00:50:56,887
of Mickey's Tavern
and tie one on.

1129
00:50:56,954 --> 00:50:59,724
Ho, ho, ho!
I quit!

1130
00:50:59,790 --> 00:51:01,659
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

1131
00:51:01,726 --> 00:51:02,693
That'll learn you.

1132
00:51:02,760 --> 00:51:03,728
[FLICK SCREAMING]

1133
00:51:06,797 --> 00:51:07,965
Yoo-hoo!

1134
00:51:08,032 --> 00:51:10,135
Hey there.

1135
00:51:10,201 --> 00:51:12,002
I brought you
a little something.

1136
00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:13,638
Ha!

1137
00:51:13,704 --> 00:51:14,739
[SIGHS]

1138
00:51:14,805 --> 00:51:17,208
Made you some soup.

1139
00:51:17,275 --> 00:51:19,577
Ooh. Randy needed
a new filling,

1140
00:51:19,644 --> 00:51:22,580
he's lying down for a bit.
I don't get it.

1141
00:51:22,647 --> 00:51:25,082
I'm jigging
my keister off here.

1142
00:51:25,150 --> 00:51:27,452
Here, have some of this,
it's still warm.

1143
00:51:27,518 --> 00:51:29,787
I'm raising, I'm dropping,
I'm raising, I'm dropping.

1144
00:51:29,854 --> 00:51:31,055
What the heck do they want?

1145
00:51:31,122 --> 00:51:33,924
Why don't I give it a try?

1146
00:51:33,991 --> 00:51:35,460
Well, your arm
must be aching.

1147
00:51:35,526 --> 00:51:36,627
[CHUCKLES]

1148
00:51:36,694 --> 00:51:38,196
Why not?

1149
00:51:38,263 --> 00:51:40,498
Go to town.

1150
00:51:42,400 --> 00:51:45,470
No, no, no, no.
They go for the bright ones.

1151
00:51:45,536 --> 00:51:47,838
They don't seem to go for much
of anything, actually.

1152
00:51:47,905 --> 00:51:49,340
Excuse me?

1153
00:51:49,407 --> 00:51:52,177
I'm just saying maybe you need
a prettier one.

1154
00:51:52,243 --> 00:51:54,545
[CHUCKLING]

1155
00:51:54,612 --> 00:51:56,747
They don't think like that,
dear.

1156
00:52:03,053 --> 00:52:04,389
That's it.
Now, just remember,

1157
00:52:04,455 --> 00:52:07,258
raise and drop,
raise and drop.

1158
00:52:07,325 --> 00:52:08,993
That's it.

1159
00:52:09,059 --> 00:52:10,661
Oh, this is good.

1160
00:52:15,566 --> 00:52:16,634
[REEL WHIRRING]
Oh!

1161
00:52:16,701 --> 00:52:17,768
Whoa!

1162
00:52:17,835 --> 00:52:19,036
Hey, whoa! I got it!

1163
00:52:19,103 --> 00:52:21,038
Hang on! I got it.
I'm trying.

1164
00:52:21,105 --> 00:52:23,508
Whoa! It's a monster.

1165
00:52:23,574 --> 00:52:26,311
Oh! It's prehistoric.
Get the net.

1166
00:52:26,377 --> 00:52:28,479
Get the net.
Get it. Get everything.

1167
00:52:28,546 --> 00:52:29,747
Oh!

1168
00:52:29,814 --> 00:52:32,183
Is this the net?
Yes.

1169
00:52:32,250 --> 00:52:35,119
Oh, Lord!
This thing has got to be--

1170
00:52:35,186 --> 00:52:36,621
[THE OLD MAN GRUNTS]

1171
00:52:36,687 --> 00:52:40,157
Whoa! Whoa!

1172
00:52:40,225 --> 00:52:42,460
[GRUNTS]

1173
00:52:42,527 --> 00:52:44,262
It looks like your hole
may be a little too--

1174
00:52:44,329 --> 00:52:47,398
Yeah, I know what it looks
like. Hold this.

1175
00:52:48,666 --> 00:52:49,834
Come here, you.

1176
00:52:49,900 --> 00:52:52,870
Come here. Come on!

1177
00:52:52,937 --> 00:52:56,073
[THE OLD MAN GRUNTS]

1178
00:52:56,140 --> 00:53:00,478
Come on!

1179
00:53:00,545 --> 00:53:01,812
Two days I've been out here.

1180
00:53:01,879 --> 00:53:04,549
Now give in,
you stupid, big fat--

1181
00:53:04,615 --> 00:53:07,218
[THE OLD MAN MUTTERS]
Ah!

1182
00:53:07,285 --> 00:53:08,753
Ha!

1183
00:53:20,931 --> 00:53:22,800
I'm fine.

1184
00:53:24,702 --> 00:53:27,972
Give me that.
I'm not finished.

1185
00:53:28,038 --> 00:53:29,106
[COUGHS]

1186
00:53:29,173 --> 00:53:30,308
Sorry.
I'm just trying to help.

1187
00:53:30,375 --> 00:53:31,676
[LAUGHS]

1188
00:53:31,742 --> 00:53:34,412
Haven't you done
enough of that already?

1189
00:53:34,479 --> 00:53:36,581
You know, I'm not quite sure
what you mean.

1190
00:53:36,647 --> 00:53:39,917
That means that you jinxed it!
That's what it means.

1191
00:53:39,984 --> 00:53:42,553
Means that everything was going
great till you showed up.

1192
00:53:42,620 --> 00:53:43,321
Really?

1193
00:53:43,388 --> 00:53:44,689
Well, good.

1194
00:53:44,755 --> 00:53:46,657
Because I never wanna set foot
out here again.

1195
00:53:46,724 --> 00:53:49,159
Good.
Trying to get Christmas dinner

1196
00:53:49,226 --> 00:53:51,028
through a little hole
in the ice.

1197
00:53:51,095 --> 00:53:53,364
This has to be the stupidest
thing I've ever heard of.

1198
00:53:53,431 --> 00:53:54,732
And for what?

1199
00:53:54,799 --> 00:53:57,702
So you wouldn't have to part
with another $3.

1200
00:53:57,768 --> 00:54:00,638
Oh, so now it's a crime
to wanna save a little money.

1201
00:54:00,705 --> 00:54:01,872
A little?

1202
00:54:01,939 --> 00:54:03,841
All you do is skimp.

1203
00:54:03,908 --> 00:54:06,844
You skimp on the furnace
and skimp on the turkey

1204
00:54:06,911 --> 00:54:08,613
and skimp on the car.

1205
00:54:08,679 --> 00:54:11,449
You wouldn't even help out
your own son when he needed it.

1206
00:54:11,516 --> 00:54:13,451
You talking about Ralph?

1207
00:54:13,518 --> 00:54:15,252
You ever hear
of setting an example?

1208
00:54:15,320 --> 00:54:17,288
Oh, yes,
job well done there.

1209
00:54:17,355 --> 00:54:18,689
I was being a good parent.

1210
00:54:18,756 --> 00:54:21,191
You were being a cheap
son of a bi--!

1211
00:54:21,258 --> 00:54:25,296
My mother had not uttered
an obscenity in 30 years.

1212
00:54:25,363 --> 00:54:26,997
Ever since
she was a teenager,

1213
00:54:27,064 --> 00:54:28,933
and lost her job
at Kreski's Market

1214
00:54:28,999 --> 00:54:32,169
for telling a hostile customer
to "go to heck."

1215
00:54:32,236 --> 00:54:34,171
Jig all you want.

1216
00:54:34,238 --> 00:54:35,239
I'm going caroling.

1217
00:54:35,306 --> 00:54:37,608
Fine with me.

1218
00:54:37,675 --> 00:54:39,677
And thanks
for the delicious snack!

1219
00:54:39,744 --> 00:54:41,245
Oh!

1220
00:54:41,312 --> 00:54:42,780
[**]

1221
00:54:48,353 --> 00:54:52,490
Our own employment picture
grew dimmer that evening,

1222
00:54:52,557 --> 00:54:55,993
when I lost the first,
and only, job I'd ever had.

1223
00:55:02,833 --> 00:55:06,637
* Deck the halls
With boughs of holly *

1224
00:55:06,704 --> 00:55:10,174
* Fa la la la la
La la la la *

1225
00:55:10,240 --> 00:55:13,944
By now, I knew I'd probably
never experience a Christmas

1226
00:55:14,011 --> 00:55:15,446
quite like this one.

1227
00:55:15,513 --> 00:55:17,715
And I wasn't alone.

1228
00:55:17,782 --> 00:55:20,685
My mother realized
that, in a sense, she too

1229
00:55:20,751 --> 00:55:23,253
was about to be relieved
of a job

1230
00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:24,822
that one day soon,

1231
00:55:24,889 --> 00:55:27,024
it would be time
to let go of a son.

1232
00:55:27,091 --> 00:55:29,560
* Ancient yuletide carol

1233
00:55:29,627 --> 00:55:34,765
* Fa la la la la
La la la la *

1234
00:55:36,166 --> 00:55:39,904
I would be on my own,
out in the world.

1235
00:55:39,970 --> 00:55:42,106
Into it, I would bring all
that I had learned

1236
00:55:42,172 --> 00:55:46,777
from her and The Old Man,
forging my own tentative path.

1237
00:55:51,949 --> 00:55:53,718
And coming to terms
with the fact

1238
00:55:53,784 --> 00:55:56,020
that it can be
a lonely place,

1239
00:55:56,086 --> 00:55:59,390
even during the most joyful
of seasons.

1240
00:56:16,106 --> 00:56:18,142
Mom?

1241
00:56:18,208 --> 00:56:19,343
Mom?

1242
00:56:19,410 --> 00:56:20,811
MOTHER:
Downstairs.

1243
00:56:20,878 --> 00:56:23,147
I was trying to find
our Christmas stockings.

1244
00:56:23,213 --> 00:56:25,516
So many little things
this time of year.

1245
00:56:25,583 --> 00:56:27,518
Here, I could help you.
Oh, it's okay.

1246
00:56:27,585 --> 00:56:29,019
I have to get used
to doing this

1247
00:56:29,086 --> 00:56:31,155
without you boys
sooner or later, right?

1248
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:33,223
Mom...
It's fine.

1249
00:56:33,290 --> 00:56:34,792
Go on. Shoo.

1250
00:56:36,961 --> 00:56:38,429
Hey, that's it.

1251
00:56:38,496 --> 00:56:40,565
An Oil-O-Matic.

1252
00:56:40,631 --> 00:56:41,866
BOTH [IN UNISON]:
My, oh, my.

1253
00:56:41,932 --> 00:56:44,168
[BOTH LAUGH]

1254
00:56:44,234 --> 00:56:45,603
Hey, where is Dad?

1255
00:56:45,670 --> 00:56:47,838
Oh, he's still out
on the lake.

1256
00:56:47,905 --> 00:56:51,642
Hopefully shivering
and unable to feel his toes.

1257
00:56:51,709 --> 00:56:52,777
I think
I'm gonna go out there.

1258
00:56:52,843 --> 00:56:54,912
Well, do not bring him
a blanket.

1259
00:56:54,979 --> 00:56:56,947
Apparently he doesn't
appreciate anything

1260
00:56:57,014 --> 00:56:59,784
nice people try to do
for him.

1261
00:57:02,520 --> 00:57:04,455
Ralphie?

1262
00:57:04,522 --> 00:57:06,123
That you?

1263
00:57:07,858 --> 00:57:10,528
Hey, Dad.
How you doing?

1264
00:57:10,595 --> 00:57:13,230
[CHUCKLING]

1265
00:57:13,297 --> 00:57:16,734
Come on over,
pull up a chair.

1266
00:57:16,801 --> 00:57:20,705
I thought I'd take a ride
and stretch my legs.

1267
00:57:20,771 --> 00:57:23,541
Seems like a pretty
nice night.

1268
00:57:23,608 --> 00:57:26,110
It's 10 degrees out.

1269
00:57:26,176 --> 00:57:27,945
[CHUCKLES]

1270
00:57:28,012 --> 00:57:29,914
Yeah, okay.

1271
00:57:29,980 --> 00:57:33,751
Uh, I actually
kind of wanted to talk.

1272
00:57:35,553 --> 00:57:38,623
Well, sure, let's talk.

1273
00:57:38,689 --> 00:57:40,958
How's it going at work?

1274
00:57:41,025 --> 00:57:42,092
[THE OLD MAN LAUGHS]

1275
00:57:42,159 --> 00:57:44,595
I mean, God,
it seems like only yesterday

1276
00:57:44,662 --> 00:57:46,396
I was watching your mother
change your diapers,

1277
00:57:46,463 --> 00:57:49,867
and here I am asking you,
"How's it going at work?"

1278
00:57:49,934 --> 00:57:51,368
[BOTH LAUGH]

1279
00:57:51,435 --> 00:57:53,671
Yeah. Uh, that's sort of what
I wanted to, uh--

1280
00:57:53,738 --> 00:57:55,540
Look at you, huh?

1281
00:57:55,606 --> 00:57:59,677
Getting that job downtown,
not giving in.

1282
00:57:59,744 --> 00:58:02,880
You and me, kid,
we are two of a kind.

1283
00:58:04,081 --> 00:58:05,750
A couple of stubborn
sons of bitches,

1284
00:58:05,816 --> 00:58:06,951
plain and simple.

1285
00:58:07,017 --> 00:58:08,719
[LAUGHS]

1286
00:58:08,786 --> 00:58:11,488
We're finishers.
We hang tough.

1287
00:58:13,457 --> 00:58:16,794
MacArthur.
He didn't pull out of Bataan

1288
00:58:16,861 --> 00:58:18,395
till they held a gun
to his head.

1289
00:58:18,462 --> 00:58:21,398
Dugout Doug,
they called him.

1290
00:58:21,465 --> 00:58:24,501
You know what they say,

1291
00:58:24,569 --> 00:58:28,072
sometimes it's the last key
in the bunch

1292
00:58:28,138 --> 00:58:30,140
that opens the lock.

1293
00:58:34,444 --> 00:58:36,714
To tell you the truth,

1294
00:58:36,781 --> 00:58:39,917
I'm not even sure
if I know what that one means.

1295
00:58:39,984 --> 00:58:41,385
[CHUCKLES]

1296
00:58:41,451 --> 00:58:43,087
I do.

1297
00:58:44,488 --> 00:58:46,657
I know just what that means.

1298
00:58:48,025 --> 00:58:48,993
Good.

1299
00:58:49,059 --> 00:58:51,028
[CHUCKLES]
That makes one of us.

1300
00:58:51,095 --> 00:58:52,396
Here, hold this.

1301
00:58:52,462 --> 00:58:54,765
I have got to get some soup.

1302
00:58:54,832 --> 00:58:56,767
We sat there shivering

1303
00:58:56,834 --> 00:58:58,803
and telling tall tales
to each other.

1304
00:58:58,869 --> 00:59:01,606
After I left,
he stayed three more hours

1305
00:59:01,672 --> 00:59:03,240
and never caught a thing.

1306
00:59:03,307 --> 00:59:04,575
I didn't find that out

1307
00:59:04,642 --> 00:59:06,611
until many years later,
of course,

1308
00:59:06,677 --> 00:59:10,147
and it was a secret
that I'm glad was kept.

1309
00:59:23,527 --> 00:59:25,329
[GRUNTS]

1310
00:59:27,497 --> 00:59:29,667
[GRUNTS]

1311
00:59:29,734 --> 00:59:31,669
[GROANING]

1312
00:59:57,695 --> 01:00:00,665
Sir, may I have a word
with you?

1313
01:00:00,731 --> 01:00:01,666
[*]

1314
01:00:01,732 --> 01:00:04,334
Uh, sir, please, wait.

1315
01:00:04,401 --> 01:00:05,870
Don't come any closer.

1316
01:00:05,936 --> 01:00:07,371
I want another chance.

1317
01:00:07,437 --> 01:00:09,940
I distinctly remember
telling you and your friends

1318
01:00:10,007 --> 01:00:12,042
that you would be
physically removed

1319
01:00:12,109 --> 01:00:14,211
if you ever entered
this establishment again.

1320
01:00:14,278 --> 01:00:17,081
I hardly knew those guys.
It is just me now.

1321
01:00:17,147 --> 01:00:19,483
I'll do whatever you want,
no slip-ups.

1322
01:00:19,549 --> 01:00:22,119
Please. It's Christmas.

1323
01:00:23,587 --> 01:00:25,422
Security!
No!

1324
01:00:25,489 --> 01:00:27,157
I am not going anywhere.

1325
01:00:27,224 --> 01:00:31,261
I'm a stubborn son of a bitch
just like he is.

1326
01:00:31,328 --> 01:00:34,164
Like who?

1327
01:00:34,231 --> 01:00:36,100
Never mind, um...

1328
01:00:37,601 --> 01:00:41,672
Sir, if you give me
one more shot,

1329
01:00:41,739 --> 01:00:43,307
you will not regret it.

1330
01:00:43,373 --> 01:00:45,342
[SIGHS]

1331
01:00:45,409 --> 01:00:46,911
Very well.

1332
01:00:46,977 --> 01:00:48,112
[CHUCKLES]
Oh,

1333
01:00:48,178 --> 01:00:50,347
I wish
I wasn't such a softie.

1334
01:00:50,414 --> 01:00:52,182
Thank you.

1335
01:00:52,249 --> 01:00:55,185
You don't mind
working outside, do you?

1336
01:00:55,252 --> 01:00:57,822
No. No, no, anywhere.
Not at all.

1337
01:01:11,535 --> 01:01:14,138
[BELLS TINKLING]

1338
01:01:23,680 --> 01:01:25,716
[BELL RINGING]

1339
01:01:33,323 --> 01:01:35,459
[BELLS TINKLING]

1340
01:01:35,525 --> 01:01:37,862
[BELL RINGING]

1341
01:01:39,830 --> 01:01:41,999
[BELLS TINKLING
AND RINGING LOUDLY]

1342
01:01:47,671 --> 01:01:49,439
[BELLS TINKLING]

1343
01:01:49,506 --> 01:01:52,209
[LAUGHS]

1344
01:01:52,276 --> 01:01:55,379
Ding, ding, ding.

1345
01:02:00,017 --> 01:02:02,953
Not her.
Anyone but her.

1346
01:02:03,020 --> 01:02:04,688
If she sees me
dressed like this,

1347
01:02:04,755 --> 01:02:07,324
I might as well
move to the North Pole.

1348
01:02:07,391 --> 01:02:09,459
I'll die alone
on some ice floe,

1349
01:02:09,526 --> 01:02:11,428
the world's
only virgin reindeer.

1350
01:02:11,495 --> 01:02:13,764
Please. No.

1351
01:02:13,831 --> 01:02:15,565
One glimpse of me
and I'll go

1352
01:02:15,632 --> 01:02:17,434
right from
"she doesn't know I'm alive"

1353
01:02:17,501 --> 01:02:19,603
to "stay away from me, you."

1354
01:02:19,669 --> 01:02:21,505
Oh, you again, eh?

1355
01:02:22,873 --> 01:02:24,508
Get out of here!

1356
01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:26,143
Whoa!

1357
01:02:26,210 --> 01:02:28,946
You lousy
cotton-tailed klutz.

1358
01:02:29,013 --> 01:02:30,981
I spent all day
getting that.

1359
01:02:31,048 --> 01:02:32,449
Sorry. I'll pick it up.

1360
01:02:32,516 --> 01:02:35,352
You bet your butt you will,
every dime.

1361
01:02:35,419 --> 01:02:37,087
Yes, sir.

1362
01:02:39,589 --> 01:02:40,991
I'll get it.
Hey.

1363
01:02:41,058 --> 01:02:42,793
Hey, get back here.

1364
01:02:46,530 --> 01:02:47,731
RALPH:
Sir?

1365
01:02:47,798 --> 01:02:50,100
Sir, uh, that 5, um,
it's not yours.

1366
01:02:50,167 --> 01:02:51,836
Guy on the corner's
collecting money.

1367
01:02:51,902 --> 01:02:53,203
Oh, yeah?

1368
01:02:53,270 --> 01:02:55,039
Well, you tell him
I said job well done.

1369
01:02:55,105 --> 01:02:57,674
Come on, sir. It's for charity.
Take a hike, Bambi.

1370
01:02:57,741 --> 01:02:59,609
I don't know
what you're talking about.

1371
01:02:59,676 --> 01:03:01,812
Actually, you do.

1372
01:03:06,516 --> 01:03:09,519
Well, that would make me
a liar then, wouldn't it?

1373
01:03:12,890 --> 01:03:14,791
Yes?

1374
01:03:14,859 --> 01:03:16,593
Ugh!

1375
01:03:16,660 --> 01:03:19,563
[RALPH COUGHS]

1376
01:03:19,629 --> 01:03:22,366
[RALPH GROANING]

1377
01:03:26,236 --> 01:03:28,705
[GROANS]

1378
01:03:28,772 --> 01:03:31,408
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

1379
01:03:31,475 --> 01:03:34,244
All those faces
floating over me,

1380
01:03:34,311 --> 01:03:37,347
and the only one I could see
was hers.

1381
01:03:37,414 --> 01:03:38,815
It was over.

1382
01:03:38,883 --> 01:03:40,050
Why bother getting up?

1383
01:03:40,117 --> 01:03:42,853
Why bother going back home

1384
01:03:42,920 --> 01:03:45,923
or back to school
or back to anything?

1385
01:03:49,493 --> 01:03:52,362
Why bother having dreams
at all?

1386
01:04:04,608 --> 01:04:06,877
Eighty-four dollars
and twelve cents.

1387
01:04:06,944 --> 01:04:08,645
That's it.

1388
01:04:08,712 --> 01:04:11,215
Oh, that's so close.

1389
01:04:11,281 --> 01:04:12,950
But your still
going to prison, pal.

1390
01:04:13,017 --> 01:04:16,220
Hey, uh, we can send you
some girly magazines

1391
01:04:16,286 --> 01:04:17,521
to bribe the screws with.

1392
01:04:17,587 --> 01:04:20,090
I'm not going to jail.

1393
01:04:20,157 --> 01:04:22,226
Did you ever get that 5 bucks
your sister owes you?

1394
01:04:22,292 --> 01:04:24,361
Um, no, she, uh,
used it

1395
01:04:24,428 --> 01:04:26,696
to buy a winter coat
for my grandma.

1396
01:04:26,763 --> 01:04:28,465
Well, that was stupid.

1397
01:04:28,532 --> 01:04:32,402
Yeah? You want my grandma
to freeze?

1398
01:04:32,469 --> 01:04:34,204
Did you just push me?

1399
01:04:34,271 --> 01:04:35,805
Um, no.

1400
01:04:35,872 --> 01:04:37,041
This is a push,
Nancy Drew.

1401
01:04:37,107 --> 01:04:38,442
Do it again,
I double-dog dare you.

1402
01:04:38,508 --> 01:04:39,843
Wait, I got it!

1403
01:04:39,910 --> 01:04:41,511
I'll put some of my things
in hock.

1404
01:04:41,578 --> 01:04:44,048
Look around. I got all kinds
of valuable stuff.

1405
01:04:44,114 --> 01:04:46,283
Yeah, because what pawnshop
wouldn't want

1406
01:04:46,350 --> 01:04:49,119
an old Augie Galan mitt
or an Orphan Annie decoder.

1407
01:04:49,186 --> 01:04:50,988
I just need a dollar.

1408
01:04:51,055 --> 01:04:53,057
One lousy dollar.

1409
01:04:53,123 --> 01:04:55,092
We're tapped out, pal.
All of us.

1410
01:04:55,159 --> 01:04:56,393
We've been picked clean.

1411
01:04:56,460 --> 01:04:58,495
We've lifted
every sofa cushion,

1412
01:04:58,562 --> 01:05:00,264
raided every sock drawer
we could find.

1413
01:05:00,330 --> 01:05:03,467
And every cent we got
is right there on that bed.

1414
01:05:06,536 --> 01:05:09,206
[LOOSE CHANGE TINKLING]

1415
01:05:09,273 --> 01:05:11,575
What's in the pocket,
Schwartz?

1416
01:05:11,641 --> 01:05:14,044
Nothing?

1417
01:05:14,111 --> 01:05:15,645
Schwartzie.

1418
01:05:15,712 --> 01:05:17,047
You can't have
my lucky buck.

1419
01:05:17,114 --> 01:05:18,348
Your what?

1420
01:05:18,415 --> 01:05:19,916
My lucky buck.

1421
01:05:19,984 --> 01:05:22,252
I got it from Grandpa Maury.

1422
01:05:22,319 --> 01:05:23,920
And I still remember
the look on his face

1423
01:05:23,988 --> 01:05:24,854
when he gave it to me.

1424
01:05:24,921 --> 01:05:26,023
Who cares?

1425
01:05:26,090 --> 01:05:27,657
Your best friend
is gonna do time.

1426
01:05:27,724 --> 01:05:29,126
You don't understand.

1427
01:05:29,193 --> 01:05:31,395
This buck turned everything
around for me.

1428
01:05:31,461 --> 01:05:33,630
That first time
that I held it in my hand,

1429
01:05:33,697 --> 01:05:36,600
I knew that I'd always
come out on top.

1430
01:05:36,666 --> 01:05:39,103
If I lose it,

1431
01:05:39,169 --> 01:05:42,039
my whole world
would fall apart.

1432
01:05:42,106 --> 01:05:44,508
You're right. Forget it.

1433
01:05:44,574 --> 01:05:46,310
It's not worth it.

1434
01:05:46,376 --> 01:05:50,014
Not if it means that much
to him.

1435
01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:51,915
Wait a minute.

1436
01:05:51,982 --> 01:05:53,483
I've never seen it before.

1437
01:05:53,550 --> 01:05:56,420
Uh, when exactly
did you get it?

1438
01:05:57,887 --> 01:05:59,389
The second night
of Hanukkah.

1439
01:05:59,456 --> 01:06:00,991
What year?

1440
01:06:02,526 --> 01:06:03,560
Last Tuesday?

1441
01:06:03,627 --> 01:06:05,462
I got this tie too.

1442
01:06:07,031 --> 01:06:08,798
SCHWARTZ:
Ah!

1443
01:06:08,865 --> 01:06:10,634
SCHWARTZ:
Guys, stop. Guys.

1444
01:06:10,700 --> 01:06:11,768
Guys, guys, that tickles.

1445
01:06:11,835 --> 01:06:12,969
FLICK:
Let go, Schwartz!

1446
01:06:13,037 --> 01:06:14,004
SCHWARTZ:
No! Not my lucky buck!

1447
01:06:14,071 --> 01:06:15,172
Ah!

1448
01:06:15,239 --> 01:06:16,673
FLICK:
Say uncle! Say uncle!

1449
01:06:16,740 --> 01:06:20,010
SCHWARTZ:
Ah!

1450
01:06:20,077 --> 01:06:22,179
Eighty-five!

1451
01:06:24,681 --> 01:06:27,151
Eighty-five indeed.

1452
01:06:27,217 --> 01:06:30,054
I had pulled it off,
against all odds.

1453
01:06:30,120 --> 01:06:32,522
Stop the presses,
sound the trumpets.

1454
01:06:32,589 --> 01:06:34,524
Victory was mine.

1455
01:06:34,591 --> 01:06:36,760
This time,
I had beaten the furnace.

1456
01:06:36,826 --> 01:06:39,296
I changed the tire
in four minutes flat.

1457
01:06:39,363 --> 01:06:41,498
I bowled the 271.

1458
01:06:41,565 --> 01:06:43,533
That's another way
we were the same,

1459
01:06:43,600 --> 01:06:44,634
The Old Man and I.

1460
01:06:44,701 --> 01:06:46,070
I knew how it felt

1461
01:06:46,136 --> 01:06:49,206
to sample the sweet nectar
of triumph.

1462
01:06:50,740 --> 01:06:52,442
Lesson learned all right.

1463
01:06:52,509 --> 01:06:55,279
Determination was the key.

1464
01:06:55,345 --> 01:06:58,682
No matter what,
stay the course, never falter.

1465
01:06:58,748 --> 01:07:02,652
Always keep your eyes
on the prize.

1466
01:07:02,719 --> 01:07:04,921
Really coming down,
isn't it?

1467
01:07:04,988 --> 01:07:07,357
Looks like a white Christmas
tomorrow.

1468
01:07:07,424 --> 01:07:09,893
Well, that's the way
it should be, right?

1469
01:07:09,959 --> 01:07:12,729
Yes, sir, it is.

1470
01:07:12,796 --> 01:07:14,331
Merry Christmas.

1471
01:07:19,603 --> 01:07:22,606
Being teenagers meant
that we were often capable

1472
01:07:22,672 --> 01:07:25,542
of perpetrating reckless
irrational acts.

1473
01:07:25,609 --> 01:07:27,644
Such deeds
tended to involve items

1474
01:07:27,711 --> 01:07:30,680
like raw eggs
and rolls of toilet paper.

1475
01:07:34,384 --> 01:07:36,019
There were usually simple

1476
01:07:36,086 --> 01:07:37,754
and understandable
explanations

1477
01:07:37,821 --> 01:07:40,124
for such behavior.

1478
01:07:40,190 --> 01:07:43,127
We were either young
or careless or stupid.

1479
01:07:43,193 --> 01:07:45,662
Or in my case, all three.

1480
01:07:45,729 --> 01:07:49,733
And then there were times,
every once in a blue moon,

1481
01:07:49,799 --> 01:07:52,436
when we did things
we couldn't explain at all.

1482
01:07:52,502 --> 01:07:54,638
[LAUGHING]

1483
01:07:54,704 --> 01:07:55,505
That's it.

1484
01:07:55,572 --> 01:07:59,643
[*]

1485
01:08:19,329 --> 01:08:22,599
Sorry, long day.

1486
01:08:23,700 --> 01:08:25,135
He's here.

1487
01:08:25,202 --> 01:08:27,837
MOTHER:
Oh, good let's eat.

1488
01:08:27,904 --> 01:08:29,273
Eat what?

1489
01:08:29,339 --> 01:08:31,808
What're we having?

1490
01:08:31,875 --> 01:08:33,510
Right.

1491
01:08:35,111 --> 01:08:37,447
Well, as you know,
I-- I thought

1492
01:08:37,514 --> 01:08:40,049
we would try something
a little different

1493
01:08:40,116 --> 01:08:41,885
for Christmas dinner
this year.

1494
01:08:41,951 --> 01:08:44,288
Yeah, was that a laugh riot.

1495
01:08:44,354 --> 01:08:47,357
Well, I was trying
to be frugal.

1496
01:08:47,424 --> 01:08:52,596
But as it turns out,
what I was really being was--

1497
01:08:52,662 --> 01:08:54,264
Okay, everyone,

1498
01:08:54,331 --> 01:08:57,434
look at the dinner
your father caught just for us.

1499
01:08:58,768 --> 01:09:00,370
Shazam.

1500
01:09:00,437 --> 01:09:03,240
My brother never heard
what really happened,

1501
01:09:03,307 --> 01:09:04,408
and hasn't to this day.

1502
01:09:04,474 --> 01:09:05,575
You're amazing.

1503
01:09:05,642 --> 01:09:07,344
Some acts of glaring deceit

1504
01:09:07,411 --> 01:09:09,646
are best kept hidden away
forever.

1505
01:09:09,713 --> 01:09:11,748
[PHONE RINGING]

1506
01:09:11,815 --> 01:09:13,517
Who's calling
on Christmas Eve?

1507
01:09:13,583 --> 01:09:15,752
These bill collectors
will not leave you alone.

1508
01:09:15,819 --> 01:09:17,354
[RINGING]

1509
01:09:17,421 --> 01:09:19,589
I think that's for me.

1510
01:09:21,758 --> 01:09:23,560
[PHONE RINGING]

1511
01:09:27,431 --> 01:09:29,833
Parker residence.
Ralph speaking.

1512
01:09:40,210 --> 01:09:43,713
There he is.
My test driver.

1513
01:09:43,780 --> 01:09:47,551
I was starting to think
you'd forgotten about me.

1514
01:09:47,617 --> 01:09:48,985
I know.

1515
01:09:49,052 --> 01:09:50,954
I'm very sorry, sir.

1516
01:09:51,020 --> 01:09:53,523
You don't have it,
do you?

1517
01:09:55,091 --> 01:09:56,826
No, sir.
Not all of it.

1518
01:09:56,893 --> 01:09:58,328
I should've known.

1519
01:09:58,395 --> 01:10:00,897
But I tried,
I really did.

1520
01:10:00,964 --> 01:10:02,098
And we all got jobs,

1521
01:10:02,165 --> 01:10:04,701
and I earned
most of the money, but--

1522
01:10:06,236 --> 01:10:08,572
Those people needed
the tire,

1523
01:10:08,638 --> 01:10:10,707
and I tried to get them
to order the family special,

1524
01:10:10,774 --> 01:10:12,309
but they all wanted
a la carte.

1525
01:10:12,376 --> 01:10:15,312
You know how that adds up--
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1526
01:10:15,379 --> 01:10:17,881
You are one weird kid.

1527
01:10:20,116 --> 01:10:23,019
I've heard that, sir.

1528
01:10:23,086 --> 01:10:27,324
Ninety, 91, 92,

1529
01:10:27,391 --> 01:10:30,427
93, 94.

1530
01:10:31,595 --> 01:10:33,663
Thirty-nine dollars
and ninety-four cents.

1531
01:10:33,730 --> 01:10:34,798
Is that it?

1532
01:10:34,864 --> 01:10:36,165
I'll have the rest
next month.

1533
01:10:36,232 --> 01:10:37,967
And if not,
you can break my legs.

1534
01:10:38,034 --> 01:10:39,068
Or maybe one leg.

1535
01:10:39,135 --> 01:10:41,671
Skip it. You're done.

1536
01:10:41,738 --> 01:10:42,739
I am?

1537
01:10:42,806 --> 01:10:44,408
Yeah, merry "Ho, ho,"
and all that.

1538
01:10:44,474 --> 01:10:45,942
You know?
Spirit of the season.

1539
01:10:46,009 --> 01:10:47,110
Thank you.

1540
01:10:47,176 --> 01:10:48,912
I just sold that Merc,
anyway.

1541
01:10:48,978 --> 01:10:50,213
Made out like a bandit.

1542
01:10:50,280 --> 01:10:51,781
The sucker never knew
what hit him.

1543
01:10:51,848 --> 01:10:54,618
[LAUGHING]

1544
01:10:54,684 --> 01:10:57,754
The thing is,
you never let up.

1545
01:10:57,821 --> 01:11:00,256
And what'd I tell you
about determination, huh?

1546
01:11:00,324 --> 01:11:01,925
It gets things done.

1547
01:11:01,991 --> 01:11:04,260
And it'll pay off big
for you one day, you'll see.

1548
01:11:04,328 --> 01:11:05,795
Now go on home, son.

1549
01:11:05,862 --> 01:11:07,931
And enjoy your family
tomorrow.

1550
01:11:07,997 --> 01:11:10,667
Thank you, Mr. Catenhauser.
And Merry Christmas.

1551
01:11:10,734 --> 01:11:12,336
Merry Christmas.

1552
01:11:14,604 --> 01:11:16,172
Made out like a bandit!

1553
01:11:16,239 --> 01:11:17,807
[LAUGHING]

1554
01:11:20,076 --> 01:11:21,845
My car was gone.

1555
01:11:21,911 --> 01:11:24,648
I had nothing in my pocket
but a hole.

1556
01:11:24,714 --> 01:11:26,983
And somehow,
as I walked home

1557
01:11:27,050 --> 01:11:29,519
on that bone-chilling
silent night,

1558
01:11:29,586 --> 01:11:32,021
all was right
with the world.

1559
01:11:39,262 --> 01:11:40,630
[RANDY & RALPH GIGGLING]

1560
01:11:50,374 --> 01:11:51,307
RANDY:
Yes!

1561
01:11:51,375 --> 01:11:53,009
Yes. A Martian police ship

1562
01:11:53,076 --> 01:11:55,979
form the Buck Rogers
Interplanetary Space Fleet!

1563
01:11:56,045 --> 01:11:57,647
Thank you, thank you!

1564
01:11:57,714 --> 01:11:59,516
I told you he'd like it.

1565
01:11:59,583 --> 01:12:01,718
And you wanted
to get him socks.

1566
01:12:01,785 --> 01:12:04,654
Oh, boys, boys. Let's wait.
Let's do this right.

1567
01:12:04,721 --> 01:12:07,090
Who wants to play Santa?
RANDY: Me! Me! I do! I do!

1568
01:12:07,156 --> 01:12:09,292
RALPH:
No. No. You did it last time
and you stank at it.

1569
01:12:09,359 --> 01:12:10,994
Did not!
Did too.

1570
01:12:11,060 --> 01:12:12,529
Okay, okay, boys. Stop.

1571
01:12:12,596 --> 01:12:14,197
I'll play Santa. Shoo!

1572
01:12:14,263 --> 01:12:17,066
Go. Okay. Who goes first?

1573
01:12:17,133 --> 01:12:21,471
Come on, Mom.
Uh, oh.

1574
01:12:21,538 --> 01:12:23,840
Here, honey, this for you.
Me? Oh.

1575
01:12:32,782 --> 01:12:34,350
Oh-ho!

1576
01:12:36,386 --> 01:12:37,521
Oh.

1577
01:12:37,587 --> 01:12:39,322
MOTHER:
I thought we could go back out.

1578
01:12:39,389 --> 01:12:40,790
You know what they say,

1579
01:12:40,857 --> 01:12:43,359
lightning always strikes twice
in the same place.

1580
01:12:43,427 --> 01:12:44,961
They say that, do they?

1581
01:12:45,028 --> 01:12:46,262
[CHUCKLES]

1582
01:12:46,329 --> 01:12:47,697
Thank you.

1583
01:12:47,764 --> 01:12:49,766
Let's see. Who's next?

1584
01:12:49,833 --> 01:12:52,068
[MIMICKING AIRPLANE ENGINE]

1585
01:12:53,937 --> 01:12:57,574
Ralph, this is for you
from Aunt Clara.

1586
01:12:58,842 --> 01:13:00,176
Oh, no.

1587
01:13:00,243 --> 01:13:02,011
Oh, no was right.

1588
01:13:02,078 --> 01:13:06,049
It was time for the annual
Aunt Clara humiliation fest.

1589
01:13:06,115 --> 01:13:07,451
Lord knows what sort

1590
01:13:07,517 --> 01:13:09,385
of degrading
polyester nightmare

1591
01:13:09,453 --> 01:13:11,154
was in store for me
this year.

1592
01:13:11,220 --> 01:13:12,355
Well, go on, open it.

1593
01:13:12,422 --> 01:13:15,892
She always gets you
the nicest things.

1594
01:13:15,959 --> 01:13:17,093
[GIGGLING]

1595
01:13:17,160 --> 01:13:18,962
It's not funny, Randy.

1596
01:13:19,028 --> 01:13:20,597
Yes, it is.

1597
01:13:22,999 --> 01:13:25,301
MOTHER:
Oh, it's a sailor suit.

1598
01:13:25,368 --> 01:13:27,103
Is that just
the cutest thing.

1599
01:13:27,170 --> 01:13:28,838
Good Lord.

1600
01:13:28,905 --> 01:13:30,173
[LAUGHING]

1601
01:13:30,239 --> 01:13:32,308
Sweet Jesus.

1602
01:13:32,375 --> 01:13:33,810
Forget it, Mom.

1603
01:13:33,877 --> 01:13:36,012
I am not kidding,
I will join the foreign legion.

1604
01:13:36,079 --> 01:13:38,848
He's almost 16.
Is she that deranged?

1605
01:13:38,915 --> 01:13:41,551
Oh, wait a minute.

1606
01:13:41,618 --> 01:13:43,152
This isn't for Ralphie.

1607
01:13:43,219 --> 01:13:46,690
Randy, she sent this to you!

1608
01:13:50,426 --> 01:13:52,662
[CHUCKLES]

1609
01:13:52,729 --> 01:13:54,430
RANDY:
No! No! No!

1610
01:13:54,498 --> 01:13:56,232
Sailor boy!
No! no.

1611
01:13:56,299 --> 01:13:57,867
[LAUGHING]
No. No!

1612
01:13:57,934 --> 01:13:59,969
Boys. Boys.

1613
01:14:00,036 --> 01:14:01,104
[RANDY LAUGHING]

1614
01:14:01,170 --> 01:14:03,372
RALPH:
Uh, you're gonna look so good.

1615
01:14:03,439 --> 01:14:05,041
[RANDY LAUGHING]

1616
01:14:08,912 --> 01:14:12,015
That is too adorable
for words.

1617
01:14:12,081 --> 01:14:13,817
I can think of a few.

1618
01:14:13,883 --> 01:14:14,784
[CHUCKLES]

1619
01:14:14,851 --> 01:14:16,385
Where's the camera, honey?

1620
01:14:16,452 --> 01:14:18,087
No. No!

1621
01:14:18,154 --> 01:14:19,623
Wait'll these
get around school.

1622
01:14:19,689 --> 01:14:21,190
RANDY:
Ralphie, no!

1623
01:14:21,257 --> 01:14:22,959
Big smile.

1624
01:14:40,043 --> 01:14:41,945
Ah, another one
come and gone, huh?

1625
01:14:42,011 --> 01:14:43,112
Not too shabby.

1626
01:14:43,179 --> 01:14:45,481
Nope. You guys get
everything you wanted?

1627
01:14:45,549 --> 01:14:48,117
I'd say so.

1628
01:14:48,184 --> 01:14:49,886
Pretty good haul, huh?

1629
01:14:51,154 --> 01:14:54,157
Hey, I think I just saw a rat
in the kitchen.

1630
01:14:54,223 --> 01:14:58,227
Okay,
I'll call the exterminator.

1631
01:14:58,294 --> 01:14:59,629
Are you insane?

1632
01:14:59,696 --> 01:15:02,065
Do you know what they charge
on a holiday?

1633
01:15:18,447 --> 01:15:21,150
[CHUCKLES]

1634
01:15:21,217 --> 01:15:23,152
I smell a rat, all right.

1635
01:15:34,731 --> 01:15:36,666
[CHUCKLING]

1636
01:15:41,170 --> 01:15:44,107
[GASPS]

1637
01:15:44,173 --> 01:15:46,475
Whoa.

1638
01:15:46,542 --> 01:15:48,945
This is a Martian police ship.
Oh.

1639
01:15:49,012 --> 01:15:51,781
Which holds an entire battalion
of tiger--

1640
01:15:56,820 --> 01:15:59,889
My God.
It's risen from the grave.

1641
01:15:59,956 --> 01:16:03,426
Isn't it beautiful?

1642
01:16:03,492 --> 01:16:06,195
It's beautiful.

1643
01:16:06,262 --> 01:16:11,567
This is the greatest Christmas
in history.

1644
01:16:16,505 --> 01:16:18,407
You see what Santa
gave me?

1645
01:16:18,474 --> 01:16:21,177
Yeah, I'd like to thank him
personally.

1646
01:16:21,244 --> 01:16:22,846
Look at her face.

1647
01:16:22,912 --> 01:16:24,681
Somebody take a photo.

1648
01:16:24,748 --> 01:16:27,617
Yeah, you know what,
that's a good idea.

1649
01:16:27,684 --> 01:16:30,920
Why don't we all
take a picture, huh?

1650
01:16:30,987 --> 01:16:33,156
Yeah. Everybody,
the three of you by the tree.

1651
01:16:33,222 --> 01:16:34,891
Uh, Dad.
Honey, I'm not dressed.

1652
01:16:34,958 --> 01:16:36,926
You look fine.
One for the scrapbook.

1653
01:16:36,993 --> 01:16:38,662
Line up.

1654
01:16:38,728 --> 01:16:41,030
Mom, you in the middle.
Come on, get in there.

1655
01:16:41,097 --> 01:16:44,600
That's it. Now, Ralphie,
move in a little bit.

1656
01:16:46,670 --> 01:16:49,072
A little more.

1657
01:16:49,138 --> 01:16:51,207
[CHUCKLES]

1658
01:16:51,274 --> 01:16:53,710
A little more.

1659
01:17:10,393 --> 01:17:11,394
Yes!

1660
01:17:15,464 --> 01:17:18,634
Thank you!
Thank you!

1661
01:17:20,369 --> 01:17:21,905
[CHUCKLES]

1662
01:17:21,971 --> 01:17:24,774
That's the last we'll be seeing
of him for a while.

1663
01:17:24,841 --> 01:17:28,111
But, hey, you'll always
have me to bark at.

1664
01:17:28,177 --> 01:17:30,780
No fair!
Ralphie got a car.

1665
01:17:30,847 --> 01:17:32,448
I want a real
rocket ship.

1666
01:17:32,515 --> 01:17:34,183
Well, learn from this,
Randy.

1667
01:17:34,250 --> 01:17:35,819
If you're as determined
as Ralphie,

1668
01:17:35,885 --> 01:17:38,554
maybe one day
you'll get one.

1669
01:17:38,621 --> 01:17:40,790
I guess that means no.

1670
01:17:40,857 --> 01:17:42,325
That's right.
RALPH: Polish your leather

1671
01:17:42,391 --> 01:17:44,160
and polish your interior!

1672
01:17:44,227 --> 01:17:45,228
Oh, my God!

1673
01:17:45,294 --> 01:17:47,764
This is the best Christmas
ever!

1674
01:17:47,831 --> 01:17:49,766
[LAUGHING]

1675
01:18:03,747 --> 01:18:07,116
The odometer read
132,000 miles.

1676
01:18:07,183 --> 01:18:10,053
Oil burned and valves
leaked at will.

1677
01:18:10,119 --> 01:18:13,322
There were more rattles
than an Irish nursery.

1678
01:18:13,389 --> 01:18:16,993
It was the best car
I ever owned.

1679
01:18:17,060 --> 01:18:20,529
In 43 days, I would turn 16
and be liberated.

1680
01:18:20,596 --> 01:18:24,000
No longer bound by gravity,
but free, fluid,

1681
01:18:24,067 --> 01:18:26,402
at one with the wind
and the sun.

1682
01:18:26,469 --> 01:18:29,105
Preceding
that joyous emancipation,

1683
01:18:29,172 --> 01:18:32,241
I would fail
the driver's test four times.

1684
01:18:38,782 --> 01:18:40,850
[GRUNTING]

1685
01:18:44,821 --> 01:18:46,589
[SIGHS]

1686
01:18:46,655 --> 01:18:48,391
I'll hold it.

1687
01:18:48,457 --> 01:18:49,993
You go set the brake.

1688
01:18:50,059 --> 01:18:52,195
Go!

1689
01:18:55,364 --> 01:18:57,033
[GEAR CREAKS]

1690
01:19:01,838 --> 01:19:03,372
You should really
leave the car in gear

1691
01:19:03,439 --> 01:19:04,373
when it's parked.

1692
01:19:04,440 --> 01:19:07,410
My dad says that.

1693
01:19:07,476 --> 01:19:09,112
Good advice.

1694
01:19:12,849 --> 01:19:15,819
Well, are you gonna
say anything?

1695
01:19:15,885 --> 01:19:19,755
So you just out
looking for runaway cars?

1696
01:19:19,823 --> 01:19:20,824
[LAUGHS]

1697
01:19:20,890 --> 01:19:23,126
Actually,
I came to see you.

1698
01:19:23,192 --> 01:19:25,361
I got your address
from the Flicks.

1699
01:19:25,428 --> 01:19:29,232
His mom and my mom volunteer
at the hospital.

1700
01:19:29,298 --> 01:19:32,435
Do you remember the other day,
in front of Higbee's?

1701
01:19:32,501 --> 01:19:34,137
Antlers, sleigh bells?

1702
01:19:34,203 --> 01:19:35,538
Uh, yeah.

1703
01:19:37,473 --> 01:19:38,474
Look, I can explain.

1704
01:19:38,541 --> 01:19:40,576
You don't have to.

1705
01:19:40,643 --> 01:19:42,578
I saw what you did.

1706
01:19:42,645 --> 01:19:43,779
It takes a lot of guts

1707
01:19:43,847 --> 01:19:45,714
to stand up
to a jerk like that.

1708
01:19:45,781 --> 01:19:47,917
You don't see that
very often.

1709
01:19:49,485 --> 01:19:53,089
I guess I just wanted you
to know that.

1710
01:19:56,259 --> 01:19:57,493
Here.

1711
01:19:57,560 --> 01:20:00,029
We're big on fruitcakes
at the Gootrad house.

1712
01:20:00,096 --> 01:20:01,697
Eat them,
use them as paperweight.

1713
01:20:01,764 --> 01:20:04,567
[CHUCKLES]
Up to you.

1714
01:20:04,633 --> 01:20:06,469
Thanks.

1715
01:20:09,672 --> 01:20:11,908
Should you be--?

1716
01:20:11,975 --> 01:20:14,878
I mean,
are you and, um...?

1717
01:20:16,012 --> 01:20:17,480
[LAUGHS]
You know.

1718
01:20:17,546 --> 01:20:19,582
Todd?
Yeah.

1719
01:20:19,648 --> 01:20:20,917
We talked the other day

1720
01:20:20,984 --> 01:20:22,852
and sort of decided
to go our separate ways.

1721
01:20:22,919 --> 01:20:26,755
Well, I decided.

1722
01:20:26,822 --> 01:20:28,691
Oh.

1723
01:20:28,757 --> 01:20:30,093
I didn't know that.

1724
01:20:30,159 --> 01:20:32,028
How could you?
We've been out of school.

1725
01:20:32,095 --> 01:20:34,663
And I've just been puttering
around the kitchen all week.

1726
01:20:34,730 --> 01:20:35,698
Baking paperweights.

1727
01:20:35,764 --> 01:20:37,133
[CHUCKLES]
Thousands of them.

1728
01:20:37,200 --> 01:20:39,702
You have no idea how good
it feels to be outdoors.

1729
01:20:39,768 --> 01:20:41,470
Well, I'm glad.

1730
01:20:43,072 --> 01:20:45,408
I mean, I'm--
I'm glad that you picked here

1731
01:20:45,474 --> 01:20:47,376
to be outdoors at.

1732
01:20:49,412 --> 01:20:51,915
Oh. Oh, boy,
that came out stupid.

1733
01:20:53,682 --> 01:20:56,019
No.

1734
01:20:56,085 --> 01:20:58,321
It came out great.

1735
01:21:02,892 --> 01:21:05,761
So is this your car?

1736
01:21:05,828 --> 01:21:06,695
Yeah.

1737
01:21:06,762 --> 01:21:08,364
'39 Mercury Eight.

1738
01:21:08,431 --> 01:21:11,067
DRUCILLA:
Wow, what a wonderful
Christmas present.

1739
01:21:15,972 --> 01:21:19,475
[MOUTHING]
Oh. May I take her?

1740
01:21:19,542 --> 01:21:22,278
Please? Please?

1741
01:21:22,345 --> 01:21:24,213
Once.

1742
01:21:24,280 --> 01:21:26,315
Once around the block.

1743
01:21:38,227 --> 01:21:40,229
ADULT RALPH:
When I was 9,

1744
01:21:40,296 --> 01:21:42,598
I pulled the wrapping
off the present of my dreams

1745
01:21:42,665 --> 01:21:44,367
and knew,
right then and there,

1746
01:21:44,433 --> 01:21:47,036
no Christmas
would ever be the same.

1747
01:21:47,103 --> 01:21:48,938
And none were.

1748
01:21:49,005 --> 01:21:51,274
Until today.

1749
01:21:51,340 --> 01:21:54,143
[*]

1750
01:22:05,421 --> 01:22:07,190
[*]