1
00:00:10,505 --> 00:00:13,105
Do I look all right?
Of course you do. You look gorgeous.
2
00:00:13,105 --> 00:00:15,665
Please! Will you just look at me
and tell me I'm all right!
3
00:00:15,665 --> 00:00:18,025
I'm nervous, and I'm trying
to make a good impression.
4
00:00:18,025 --> 00:00:20,345
Don't worry,
you are a definite improvement
5
00:00:20,345 --> 00:00:22,345
on the other women
I've brought home.
6
00:00:22,345 --> 00:00:25,705
You've got your own teeth,
no tattoos, and matching shoes.
7
00:00:27,905 --> 00:00:30,425
I've never been to Newcastle before.
8
00:00:30,425 --> 00:00:34,665
Whoa. We're not in Newcastle,
we're in Hebburn.
9
00:00:34,665 --> 00:00:37,785
Hebburn, where dreams come to die.
10
00:00:37,785 --> 00:00:40,465
I can't see anything wrong
with this place.
11
00:00:40,809 --> 00:00:42,889
All right, watch this.
12
00:00:44,049 --> 00:00:47,129
All right, Big Keith?
Formal wear this evening, is it?
13
00:00:47,528 --> 00:00:48,968
Me shirt's in the wash, man.
14
00:00:50,328 --> 00:00:54,368
See that?
Not "me good shirt", "me shirt".
15
00:00:56,088 --> 00:00:59,128
Do you think your mum and dad
will be OK about it?
16
00:00:59,128 --> 00:01:02,128
Yeah, I reckon they'll be fine.
"Hi, Mam, this is me girlfriend.
17
00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:03,888
"Well, she's not
really me girlfriend,
18
00:01:03,888 --> 00:01:06,528
"we got drunk on holiday in Vegas
and now we're married.
19
00:01:06,528 --> 00:01:09,368
"Pass the sprouts. Oh, you can't,
you're having a fatal seizure."
20
00:01:11,328 --> 00:01:12,968
Maybe we shouldn't tell them.
21
00:01:12,968 --> 00:01:16,208
Look, we're telling them.
We are married.
22
00:01:16,208 --> 00:01:19,728
You are my wife. And I could
not be prouder of that fact.
23
00:01:21,008 --> 00:01:23,568
For God's sake, will you take
your bloody wedding ring off?
24
00:01:25,337 --> 00:01:50,469
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
25
00:01:52,688 --> 00:01:55,008
Hutchy, man, put it back!
26
00:01:55,791 --> 00:01:57,791
Jack, are you back?
27
00:01:57,791 --> 00:01:59,431
It would appear so.
28
00:01:59,431 --> 00:02:02,351
Tell your dad not to worry,
I'll get his hanging basket back.
29
00:02:02,351 --> 00:02:04,511
Hiya. Is this your lass? Aye.
30
00:02:04,589 --> 00:02:05,169
Wazzock!
31
00:02:05,245 --> 00:02:08,765
Hutchy, come back here, you little
sod. Welcome to Hebburn, pet.
32
00:02:08,765 --> 00:02:12,765
OK, now remember, show no fear.
33
00:02:12,765 --> 00:02:14,645
They can smell fear.
34
00:02:19,725 --> 00:02:21,645
Hello?
35
00:02:25,885 --> 00:02:27,245
Hiya.
36
00:02:27,245 --> 00:02:28,685
Hello.
37
00:02:28,685 --> 00:02:31,525
All right, you lot,
calm down, calm down.
38
00:02:33,285 --> 00:02:36,165
All right, everyone, enough, please!
39
00:02:36,165 --> 00:02:39,085
Everyone, this is Sarah.
Sarah, this is me mam.
40
00:02:39,085 --> 00:02:41,445
Welcome, pet. Hello. You're real.
41
00:02:41,445 --> 00:02:47,285
We thought he was making you up!
Aren't you gorgeous?
42
00:02:48,645 --> 00:02:51,525
We've got the whole weekend
planned for you. Oh, great.
43
00:02:51,525 --> 00:02:53,005
Sarah, this is me gran, Dot.
44
00:02:53,005 --> 00:02:54,965
Pleased to meet you.
45
00:02:54,965 --> 00:02:56,685
I'll best get a good look
at you now, pet,
46
00:02:56,685 --> 00:02:58,885
because the next time I see you,
I could be a corpse.
47
00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:02,151
Gran, don't start.
48
00:03:02,151 --> 00:03:06,751
Eileen on our block,
she saw her grandson at his wedding
49
00:03:06,751 --> 00:03:11,631
and the next time he saw her, there
she was, waiting for him, dead.
50
00:03:11,631 --> 00:03:13,431
She died at the wedding.
51
00:03:13,431 --> 00:03:16,271
Oh, I'd love to die at a wedding.
52
00:03:16,271 --> 00:03:19,511
It'd be nice, wouldn't it,
to die at a wedding?
53
00:03:19,511 --> 00:03:21,471
Everybody dressed up posh.
54
00:03:21,471 --> 00:03:24,751
Dot, could we talk about something
which doesn't involve you
55
00:03:24,751 --> 00:03:26,751
or any of your friends dying? Oh.
56
00:03:26,751 --> 00:03:29,871
I'm Vicki. His sister.
57
00:03:29,871 --> 00:03:32,311
You're not as busty
as he usually goes for.
58
00:03:32,311 --> 00:03:34,391
Still working for
the Diplomatic Service?
59
00:03:34,391 --> 00:03:36,591
He thinks we're too common for him
these days.
60
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:37,791
But we're not, Sarah.
61
00:03:37,791 --> 00:03:40,631
We can be as classy as any of
your posh new friends in Manchester.
62
00:03:40,631 --> 00:03:42,471
Hiya, Denise.
63
00:03:42,471 --> 00:03:45,951
Well, just whack some yoghurt on it,
pet.
64
00:03:45,951 --> 00:03:49,311
No, plain. Not black cherry, man.
65
00:03:49,311 --> 00:03:52,231
Well, if black cherry is his
preference, just go with that, then.
66
00:03:52,231 --> 00:03:54,151
Where are me manners?
67
00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:56,831
I haven't offered you a cup
of tea yet. Cup of tea, Sarah?
68
00:03:56,831 --> 00:03:58,071
Lovely, thanks.
69
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:01,791
And for you, our Jack, your
favourite, double bacon sandwich.
70
00:04:01,791 --> 00:04:03,791
Bacon sandwich, Sarah, pet?
71
00:04:03,791 --> 00:04:06,311
Um... I don't really eat bacon.
72
00:04:06,311 --> 00:04:08,231
You're not a vegetarian, are you?
73
00:04:08,231 --> 00:04:11,111
No, no. Oh, thank God for that.
I can't have them in the house.
74
00:04:11,111 --> 00:04:13,111
What sort of person
eats a bean-burger
75
00:04:13,111 --> 00:04:17,111
and expects to be taken seriously?
It's just that I'm Jewish.
76
00:04:18,311 --> 00:04:20,391
Oh! Jewish?
77
00:04:22,311 --> 00:04:24,271
That's wonderful!
78
00:04:28,391 --> 00:04:31,111
I'll just need a quick word
with your dad.
79
00:04:36,751 --> 00:04:38,711
Is that them? Is me boy here?
80
00:04:38,711 --> 00:04:42,511
Yes, look, you. That, out.
81
00:04:42,511 --> 00:04:45,191
What's wrong, woman? Jewish.
You what?
82
00:04:45,191 --> 00:04:49,791
Sarah's Jewish, for Christ's sake.
Oh, for Christ's sake. She's
not vegetarian as well, is she?
83
00:04:49,791 --> 00:04:52,751
No, we're clear. She can stay.
Now, get that bin over here.
84
00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,631
Bin? What for?
85
00:04:54,631 --> 00:04:57,551
We're not oppressing her
with forbidden smells.
86
00:04:57,551 --> 00:05:00,551
Not on her first visit, anyway.
87
00:05:00,551 --> 00:05:02,951
Her people have been through enough.
88
00:05:02,951 --> 00:05:05,271
What a waste!
89
00:05:05,271 --> 00:05:08,271
I could have at least have
had that under the extractor fan.
90
00:05:08,271 --> 00:05:10,351
That pig's died for nowt now.
91
00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:13,231
Eee, that poor lass.
What will she think of us?
92
00:05:13,231 --> 00:05:15,351
Pauline, will you calm down
and stop fussing?
93
00:05:15,351 --> 00:05:18,591
You've got to let people like you
for you. I like you for you.
94
00:05:18,591 --> 00:05:21,311
What you like's not important, Joe.
95
00:05:21,311 --> 00:05:23,551
What have I told you?
Stop sparing my feelings.
96
00:05:23,551 --> 00:05:28,271
Look, here, bread buns, apple corer.
97
00:05:28,271 --> 00:05:30,351
Why, what am I doing?
98
00:05:30,351 --> 00:05:34,271
You're making bagels, Joe, bagels.
99
00:05:35,751 --> 00:05:37,511
Y'after?
100
00:05:37,511 --> 00:05:39,711
Got ye them DVDs. Nice one.
101
00:05:39,711 --> 00:05:41,391
Did you get X-Men First Class?
102
00:05:41,391 --> 00:05:44,311
Aye, but it's got Arabic words
going across the bottom.
103
00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:46,951
Fine, I'll put gaffer tape
on the telly.
104
00:05:46,951 --> 00:05:50,751
And give us this hanging basket back.
Right, we said 20, didn't we?
105
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:54,151
You might have done. I said 25.
106
00:05:55,711 --> 00:05:56,751
Right.
107
00:06:00,551 --> 00:06:01,911
I'll see yer later.
108
00:06:01,911 --> 00:06:03,711
Tosser!
109
00:06:07,751 --> 00:06:11,111
I've never met anybody
who's fully Jewish before.
110
00:06:11,111 --> 00:06:14,551
I went out with this lad
who had his hoodie down,
if you know what I mean,
111
00:06:14,551 --> 00:06:17,231
but I don't think that makes
him proper kosher, does it?
112
00:06:17,231 --> 00:06:19,431
Erm...no.
113
00:06:19,431 --> 00:06:22,511
We had a Jew in the war!
He lodged with us.
114
00:06:22,511 --> 00:06:27,671
Oh, lovely fella, he was.
Very smooth, not a hair on him.
115
00:06:27,671 --> 00:06:28,991
Oh, Gran, that's enough.
116
00:06:28,991 --> 00:06:34,751
I'll just shut up, then. I'll just
sit here being ignored as usual.
117
00:06:34,751 --> 00:06:38,351
Then back to wait
to die in the cell block.
118
00:06:38,351 --> 00:06:40,711
It's sheltered accommodation, Gran.
119
00:06:40,711 --> 00:06:43,911
It's bloody Death Row,
that's what it is.
120
00:06:43,911 --> 00:06:45,671
And no-one ever comes to visit.
121
00:06:45,671 --> 00:06:47,991
Margaret next door to me,
122
00:06:47,991 --> 00:06:50,271
she's forgotten what
her own kids look like.
123
00:06:50,271 --> 00:06:51,951
She's got Alzheimer's!
124
00:06:51,951 --> 00:06:53,631
At least she's got something.
125
00:06:54,671 --> 00:06:56,791
Ah, lovely, sandwiches.
126
00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:59,951
Bagels! We're having bagels.
127
00:06:59,951 --> 00:07:04,871
Aren't these just buns
with the middles cut out?
128
00:07:04,871 --> 00:07:07,471
Bagels, Vicki, we're having bagels.
129
00:07:08,551 --> 00:07:12,031
Hello, flower, I'm Joe,
Jack's dad and chief bagel-cutter.
130
00:07:12,031 --> 00:07:13,591
Hello. All right, son?
131
00:07:15,231 --> 00:07:18,631
So how long you been with our Jack?
132
00:07:18,631 --> 00:07:21,311
Oh, nearly a year now, isn't it,
Jack? Yeah.
133
00:07:21,311 --> 00:07:22,631
Ooh!
134
00:07:22,631 --> 00:07:27,471
A year! So youse have done the
I love yous, then, haven't you?
135
00:07:27,471 --> 00:07:29,911
Yeah, we ticked that box
a while ago, thanks.
136
00:07:29,911 --> 00:07:32,711
How was your drive up, son?
It was all right. A1 was chocka.
137
00:07:32,711 --> 00:07:35,311
But once we got past Scotch Corner,
it was all right,
138
00:07:35,311 --> 00:07:38,551
but there's still roadworks on that
bypass. Hey, mind your manguage!
139
00:07:38,551 --> 00:07:40,511
Manguage? What's manguage?
140
00:07:40,511 --> 00:07:43,791
When Geordie blokes are
in danger of having to talk
141
00:07:43,791 --> 00:07:46,591
about their feelings,
they start speaking manguage.
142
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:50,831
Eeeh. I've got mad period pains.
143
00:07:50,831 --> 00:07:56,071
Mind you, the Tyne Bridge has been
at one lane for about six months.
Six months, aye?
144
00:07:56,071 --> 00:07:58,191
Shall we adjourn to the lounge?
145
00:07:58,191 --> 00:08:00,151
Oh, we haven't adjourned for ages,
have we?
146
00:08:00,151 --> 00:08:02,431
Oooh, a journey.
Are we going on a journey?
147
00:08:02,431 --> 00:08:05,991
We're going into the good room
with our bagels.
148
00:08:05,991 --> 00:08:07,351
Bagels?
149
00:08:07,351 --> 00:08:09,471
Jewish bread, Dot.
We got some in for Sarah.
150
00:08:09,471 --> 00:08:12,751
Oh, I love sitting in the lounge.
151
00:08:12,751 --> 00:08:16,111
We only use it on special occasions.
152
00:08:16,111 --> 00:08:18,871
We haven't been in there
since the X Factor final.
153
00:08:18,871 --> 00:08:22,671
Although we never go in there
when I bring a new boyfriend home.
154
00:08:22,671 --> 00:08:24,791
We don't want to wear
the carpet out.
155
00:08:24,791 --> 00:08:27,311
Dad!
156
00:08:28,631 --> 00:08:32,191
Now, Sarah, here's a coaster.
We got these from the Vatican,
157
00:08:32,191 --> 00:08:34,671
but you'll be all right with that,
won't you?
158
00:08:34,671 --> 00:08:38,591
I mean, you probably get points
for putting a cup of tea
on the Pope's face.
159
00:08:38,591 --> 00:08:41,391
Erm...thanks.
160
00:08:41,391 --> 00:08:44,351
And what do you do?
Are you a journalist like our Jack
161
00:08:44,351 --> 00:08:45,911
or do you have a proper job?
162
00:08:45,911 --> 00:08:48,991
I'm doing my PhD in psychology
at the minute.
163
00:08:48,991 --> 00:08:52,151
Psychology, the study of psychos.
164
00:08:52,151 --> 00:08:56,151
A PhD? You'll be going out
with a doctor soon, our Jack!
165
00:08:56,151 --> 00:08:59,431
She's a doctor? Get over here, pet.
166
00:08:59,431 --> 00:09:04,631
I've got some unknown seepage
and they cannot tell us what it is.
167
00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:08,071
And are your mam
and dad psychologists too, pet?
168
00:09:08,071 --> 00:09:10,351
They own a shoe shop in York.
169
00:09:10,351 --> 00:09:12,471
Shoes? York?
170
00:09:12,471 --> 00:09:14,511
I love shoes, I love York.
171
00:09:14,511 --> 00:09:17,871
York. So down south, then?
Very cosmopolitan.
172
00:09:17,871 --> 00:09:19,911
And do they live above the shop?
173
00:09:19,911 --> 00:09:22,391
All right, youse lot,
stop giving her the three degrees
174
00:09:22,391 --> 00:09:24,271
and let's get down to it.
175
00:09:24,271 --> 00:09:28,871
Now, we asked youse up here
because we've got some news
176
00:09:28,871 --> 00:09:32,831
and we wanted us all here together,
because it affects all of us.
177
00:09:32,831 --> 00:09:35,271
Oh! Are we getting a sunbed?
178
00:09:35,271 --> 00:09:37,231
Your dad's retiring.
179
00:09:37,231 --> 00:09:39,871
Can we still get a sunbed?
180
00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:43,351
Retirement?
That's what killed my Stan. Mam!
181
00:09:43,351 --> 00:09:45,751
I'm sorry to hear that.
182
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:47,991
It's all right, pet,
he was a bastard.
183
00:09:47,991 --> 00:09:50,351
Does that mean I can get
a lift to work every day?
184
00:09:50,351 --> 00:09:51,631
Ooh, selfless as ever.
185
00:09:51,631 --> 00:09:54,071
Now, stop it, youse two!
This is important!
186
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:57,751
Your dad is giving up the Merchant
Navy and he's coming home for good.
187
00:09:57,751 --> 00:09:59,951
Wow. So why the early retirement?
188
00:09:59,951 --> 00:10:02,791
There comes a time in a man's life
189
00:10:02,791 --> 00:10:06,231
when he has to take
a long, hard look...
190
00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:09,471
At his test results.
Your dad's heart's knackered.
191
00:10:09,471 --> 00:10:11,031
He needs a bypass.
192
00:10:12,711 --> 00:10:14,031
Are you going to die, Dad?
193
00:10:14,031 --> 00:10:17,351
No, of course he's not.
You're not, are you?
194
00:10:17,351 --> 00:10:20,431
I'm not going to die.
I just have to take it easy.
195
00:10:20,431 --> 00:10:23,031
Or as easy as your mam
will let us take it.
196
00:10:23,031 --> 00:10:25,551
Cos if you die, I've got nowt
to wear to a funeral.
197
00:10:25,551 --> 00:10:29,191
And I'll be dead sad at the time
so can I have a new black dress now?
198
00:10:29,191 --> 00:10:30,711
Not now, Vicki! This is important!
199
00:10:30,711 --> 00:10:32,991
Your poor dad can't even run up
stairs any more.
200
00:10:32,991 --> 00:10:35,191
He comes to bed huffing
and puffing these days.
201
00:10:35,191 --> 00:10:37,391
Doesn't stop for an hour
before he can sleep.
202
00:10:37,391 --> 00:10:40,751
Ohhh, is that what it is?
203
00:10:40,751 --> 00:10:42,591
Thank God for that.
204
00:10:42,591 --> 00:10:46,671
The walls are thin in this house.
Remember that, Jack.
205
00:10:46,671 --> 00:10:47,991
Eh?
206
00:10:47,991 --> 00:10:49,671
The walls are thin.
207
00:10:49,671 --> 00:10:53,711
Remember that time when he brought
that asthmatic girl back?
208
00:10:53,711 --> 00:10:55,591
I thought he was strangling her.
209
00:10:55,591 --> 00:10:58,151
You know, in a sexy way?
210
00:10:59,751 --> 00:11:01,951
Oh, no. We wouldn't.
I mean, we don't!
211
00:11:01,951 --> 00:11:05,111
Well, we do.
Well, not the strangling thing...
212
00:11:05,111 --> 00:11:08,231
Anyway, not here.
213
00:11:16,031 --> 00:11:17,911
It's Denise. I know.
214
00:11:27,831 --> 00:11:29,951
All right, Denise? What y'after?
215
00:11:29,951 --> 00:11:31,911
Talk to it! Talk to it! Talk to it!
216
00:11:33,751 --> 00:11:34,991
Jack's back.
217
00:11:34,991 --> 00:11:39,751
Where? Does he still have dreamy
eyes and hair that makes you quiver
218
00:11:39,751 --> 00:11:42,151
and when he spoke,
did he get furious hips?
219
00:11:42,151 --> 00:11:46,671
Your dad coming home for good will
mean we'll have to tighten our belts
and make it work as a family.
220
00:11:46,671 --> 00:11:50,271
I'm not paying rent.
I'll get pregnant and get a council
flat, but I'm not paying rent.
221
00:11:50,271 --> 00:11:52,711
No-one's paying rent!
Will you listen to your mother?
222
00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:55,711
We can't afford to keep your gran
in the retirement village.
223
00:11:55,711 --> 00:11:57,151
Village of the Damned.
224
00:11:57,151 --> 00:11:59,951
She's going to move in here with us.
225
00:11:59,951 --> 00:12:03,991
She's not sharing my room! Not
with her snoring and the seepage.
226
00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:06,711
Oh, no, Jack's going to come up over
the next few weekends
227
00:12:06,711 --> 00:12:09,911
and convert the other sitting room
into a bedroom for her.
228
00:12:09,911 --> 00:12:12,231
Am I?
I didn't spot that in me diary.
229
00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:15,031
Look, Dad, I'd love to help,
but, you know,
230
00:12:15,031 --> 00:12:16,551
I've got me book on the weekends...
231
00:12:16,551 --> 00:12:18,431
Jack, you can read your book anytime.
232
00:12:21,631 --> 00:12:23,631
Son, I need you to do this.
233
00:12:28,031 --> 00:12:30,351
Yeah, OK, then. Yeah.
234
00:12:34,391 --> 00:12:37,671
It was definitely Jack,
and he had a new lass with him.
235
00:12:37,671 --> 00:12:40,671
I'm not interested in Jack.
I'm interested in his sister.
236
00:12:40,671 --> 00:12:43,351
Was Vicki there?
Did she say anything?
237
00:12:43,351 --> 00:12:45,231
Still not talking to you?
238
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:49,391
No. The occasional blank text,
but apart from that, nothing.
239
00:12:49,391 --> 00:12:53,551
See, the thing
I've come to accept about women is
240
00:12:53,551 --> 00:12:56,871
they're very keen on you
not shagging other women.
241
00:12:56,871 --> 00:12:59,151
I know, I know.
I'm a slave to me loins.
242
00:12:59,151 --> 00:13:02,991
I got carried away with the
rock and roll lifestyle, the buzz,
243
00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:05,071
the glamour. Glamour?
244
00:13:05,071 --> 00:13:06,991
You're a pub singer. In this pub.
245
00:13:06,991 --> 00:13:09,671
Sure, this may just be a pub to you,
246
00:13:09,671 --> 00:13:14,631
but when I climb onto that stage
and open up my lungs...
247
00:13:14,631 --> 00:13:16,471
something magical happens.
248
00:13:16,471 --> 00:13:17,791
Aye, everyone disappears.
249
00:13:17,791 --> 00:13:20,831
Hey, this gig is
just a springboard for me.
250
00:13:20,831 --> 00:13:24,591
OK, I may have messed up
on the cruise ships,
251
00:13:24,591 --> 00:13:27,031
but I'll be leaving Hebburn
soon enough.
252
00:13:27,031 --> 00:13:29,031
Look at Jack, he got out.
253
00:13:29,031 --> 00:13:32,231
And now he's back. And he doesn't
look too happy about it.
254
00:13:32,231 --> 00:13:33,831
If you want to fix things
with Vicki,
255
00:13:33,831 --> 00:13:37,751
perhaps I could interest you in the
ultimate romantic DVD double bill.
256
00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:42,471
How's about...Love Actually
and...Ross Kemp On Gangs?
257
00:13:51,711 --> 00:13:53,711
What's wrong?
258
00:13:53,711 --> 00:13:56,431
You said they never go out. I didn't
bring any going out clothes.
259
00:13:56,431 --> 00:13:58,351
It's just Hebburn.
It's hardly Hollyoaks.
260
00:13:58,351 --> 00:14:01,751
I've been to weddings
where I was the only one
not wearing a tracksuit.
261
00:14:01,751 --> 00:14:06,391
It might mean nothing to you,
but I'm trying to make a good
impression. They already love you.
262
00:14:06,391 --> 00:14:08,671
Look, I thought we just
had a kitchen downstairs,
263
00:14:08,671 --> 00:14:12,871
turns out we've got the
North East's premier bagel factory.
264
00:14:12,871 --> 00:14:16,951
Now every time we come up, our
Vicki can show you round Hebburn.
265
00:14:16,951 --> 00:14:19,111
Hmm. That sounds like
it'll be an education.
266
00:14:19,111 --> 00:14:22,431
I told you what she was like, didn't
I? She's just a loveable slapper.
267
00:14:22,431 --> 00:14:24,511
Would you like me to be
a loveable slapper?
268
00:14:24,511 --> 00:14:27,631
I'm afraid not, my lady,
for I am a married man.
269
00:14:27,631 --> 00:14:30,431
When are we going to tell them
we're married?
270
00:14:30,431 --> 00:14:32,551
I'll sound me mam out at the pub.
271
00:14:32,551 --> 00:14:36,151
I'll tell her I'm thinking
of popping the question
or some old shite.
272
00:14:36,151 --> 00:14:38,351
Some old shite?
Why thank you, Mr Darcy!
273
00:14:38,351 --> 00:14:40,191
Is that what proposing to me was?
274
00:14:42,071 --> 00:14:46,031
Come on, youse two. The loveable
slapper wants to leave now.
275
00:14:47,071 --> 00:14:50,951
Thin walls, Jack! Thin walls!
276
00:14:57,191 --> 00:15:00,871
♪ So release me
277
00:15:00,871 --> 00:15:05,311
♪ And let me love again. ♪
278
00:15:16,951 --> 00:15:19,391
Thank you, thank you.
279
00:15:19,391 --> 00:15:22,431
Well, I'm just going
to take a quick break, folks.
280
00:15:22,431 --> 00:15:26,831
So you fill your glasses,
and I, Gervaise, will be back
281
00:15:26,831 --> 00:15:30,111
to fill your hearts
with the gift of song.
282
00:15:33,111 --> 00:15:36,551
I'll actually be crooning you
some of my favourite songs
283
00:15:36,551 --> 00:15:40,551
from one of my favourite films.
Can you guess what it is?
284
00:15:40,551 --> 00:15:42,991
The Passion of the Christ!
Deep Throat!
285
00:15:42,991 --> 00:15:44,031
Manon des Sources?
286
00:15:44,031 --> 00:15:46,031
All good guesses, but no.
287
00:15:46,031 --> 00:15:49,071
The Artist? You'll kick yourself
when you hear it.
288
00:15:49,071 --> 00:15:51,311
I'll kick you when I hear it.
289
00:15:53,351 --> 00:15:57,511
Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters II!
Hello, ladies.
290
00:15:57,511 --> 00:15:59,791
A few rowdy lads in tonight. Uh-huh.
291
00:16:01,231 --> 00:16:02,711
Oh, God.
292
00:16:03,951 --> 00:16:07,511
Welcome to my palace of song.
293
00:16:07,511 --> 00:16:09,991
What would you have the emperor sing?
294
00:16:09,991 --> 00:16:13,671
Do you know the one that goes, "I
was going out with this lush lass,
295
00:16:13,671 --> 00:16:15,151
"then I went away on a cruise ship
296
00:16:15,151 --> 00:16:17,191
"and shagged a cocktail waitress
in the stern,
297
00:16:17,191 --> 00:16:19,031
"thinking the lush lass
wouldn't find out
298
00:16:19,031 --> 00:16:23,031
"but it turns out the slut
was the lush lass' cousin's
best friend's niece?"
299
00:16:23,031 --> 00:16:25,151
Do you know that one? I...
300
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:28,991
No! I didn't think so.
Vicki, I... Face!
301
00:16:34,071 --> 00:16:36,031
Vicki, wait!
302
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:41,911
Eee! Pauline Pearson!
I haven't seen you for ages pet!
303
00:16:41,911 --> 00:16:45,431
Hiya, Siobhan, flower. We're
out celebrating. Joe's retiring.
304
00:16:45,431 --> 00:16:47,751
His heart's knackered. Aw, smashing.
305
00:16:47,751 --> 00:16:49,431
How's your mam, Siobhan?
306
00:16:49,431 --> 00:16:51,551
They reckon the HRT is helping.
307
00:16:51,551 --> 00:16:53,431
But some days, to be honest,
308
00:16:53,431 --> 00:16:55,791
she looks like a sweaty Ross Kemp
with a perm.
309
00:16:55,791 --> 00:16:59,431
Hiya, Siobhan. Hiya, Joe.
I hear your heart's knackered.
310
00:16:59,431 --> 00:17:02,631
Yeah. Where's Sarah and our Jack?
311
00:17:02,631 --> 00:17:04,631
He's keeping her company
while she has a tab.
312
00:17:04,631 --> 00:17:06,671
Oh, I didn't know she smoked.
313
00:17:06,671 --> 00:17:10,511
You don't smoke. I know, I know.
I just wanted a moment alone.
314
00:17:10,511 --> 00:17:12,071
Aw. Are they doing your head in?
315
00:17:12,071 --> 00:17:14,471
I know Mam's driving can be
a bit...chilling.
316
00:17:14,471 --> 00:17:16,271
It was like an Alton Towers ride.
317
00:17:16,271 --> 00:17:18,551
The people carrier is
a prized possession, though.
318
00:17:18,551 --> 00:17:20,951
It's easily overtaken
the hostess trolley.
319
00:17:20,951 --> 00:17:24,031
Right, then, let's commence
operation We Might Be Thinking Of
320
00:17:24,031 --> 00:17:26,751
Getting Married, Even Though
We're Actually Already Married.
321
00:17:26,751 --> 00:17:28,431
Let's go.
322
00:17:35,511 --> 00:17:38,551
What you want to drink, Sarah?
Oh, pinot grigio, please.
323
00:17:38,551 --> 00:17:40,711
Huh! We don't do cocktails, flower.
324
00:17:40,711 --> 00:17:44,151
Oh. Wine? No bother.
We've got red and white.
325
00:17:44,151 --> 00:17:46,951
Or I could do you a half and half.
You know, rosy.
326
00:17:46,951 --> 00:17:49,551
White, please. Pint for you, Jack?
327
00:17:49,551 --> 00:17:51,831
Jack just drinks wine too,
don't you?
328
00:17:51,831 --> 00:17:54,311
Oh, does he now?
329
00:17:54,311 --> 00:17:59,111
And would his lordship like some
posh crisps with the sea salt and...
330
00:17:59,111 --> 00:18:00,711
lamb pepper.
331
00:18:00,711 --> 00:18:03,071
I'll just have a pint, cheers, Dad.
332
00:18:03,071 --> 00:18:04,671
Pint of wine it is.
333
00:18:04,671 --> 00:18:06,311
No, just lager, Siobhan.
334
00:18:06,311 --> 00:18:07,951
Hiya, Denise.
335
00:18:07,951 --> 00:18:10,951
Hiya, Vick. Hiya, Jack.
336
00:18:10,951 --> 00:18:12,911
Hello, Denise.
337
00:18:12,911 --> 00:18:15,231
Denise, you look proper lush.
338
00:18:15,231 --> 00:18:19,431
Denise, this is Sarah,
Jack's new lass.
339
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:22,351
Hello. She's Jewish, Denise.
340
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,671
Is that what you're into these days?
341
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:27,871
Sarah, this is Denise
that was on the phone before.
342
00:18:27,871 --> 00:18:29,951
So how's the patient?
343
00:18:29,951 --> 00:18:33,871
Sorted now, thanks, pet.
I just chucked a Yakult on it.
344
00:18:33,871 --> 00:18:35,911
Do you still like Yakult, Jack?
345
00:18:35,911 --> 00:18:39,031
No, I got put off it.
346
00:18:39,031 --> 00:18:40,111
Shame.
347
00:18:41,671 --> 00:18:42,871
Sees youse later.
348
00:18:45,991 --> 00:18:49,551
Is that er... Is that
Sheila Fairclough over there?
349
00:18:49,551 --> 00:18:51,151
Aye, she must've nodded off again.
350
00:18:51,151 --> 00:18:55,871
You look at her now,
you'd never think she was
Miss Hebburn 1979, 1980 and 1982.
351
00:18:55,871 --> 00:18:59,351
What happened in '81?
Risley Remand Centre.
352
00:18:59,351 --> 00:19:02,631
Fighting at the semi-finals.
Town crier lost an eye.
353
00:19:02,631 --> 00:19:05,391
Shouldn't someone take her home?
354
00:19:05,391 --> 00:19:08,151
We tried that once, she marched
back in in her slippers and said
355
00:19:08,151 --> 00:19:11,191
if we did it again, she'd
individually glass each one of us.
356
00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:14,671
You know, in that lovely sing-songy
voice of hers.
357
00:19:14,671 --> 00:19:18,071
I told you he was back
and I told you he had a new lass.
358
00:19:18,071 --> 00:19:19,951
All right, Ramsey, Big Keith?
359
00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:23,231
I'm just back for the weekend, like,
not stopping.
360
00:19:23,231 --> 00:19:26,751
Away, then, introductions
to your old crew. Hi, I'm Sarah.
361
00:19:26,751 --> 00:19:30,071
All right, pet? Hello.
She's Jewish, Ramsey.
362
00:19:30,071 --> 00:19:33,551
Why, aye, I've never met
anyone from overseas before.
363
00:19:33,551 --> 00:19:36,951
Welcome to the country, flower.
You want to be careful with him.
364
00:19:36,951 --> 00:19:39,231
When he lived here,
he was like a rat up a drainpipe.
365
00:19:39,231 --> 00:19:42,071
Reckon he had his own seat
at the clap clinic and everything!
366
00:19:42,071 --> 00:19:45,071
Mind, you probably
want your own seat there, don't you?
367
00:19:45,071 --> 00:19:48,311
Or, "Hello, nice to meet you,"
would have just been fine.
368
00:19:48,311 --> 00:19:51,031
Yeah. What am I like? Face.
369
00:19:51,031 --> 00:19:54,111
Nice to see you, son. Cheers, Dad.
370
00:19:56,391 --> 00:20:00,591
At a christening!
I'd happily die at a christening.
371
00:20:00,591 --> 00:20:04,031
I imagine Jesus would like
that as well - one in, one out.
HE CHUCKLES
372
00:20:04,031 --> 00:20:08,111
Eee, can somebody get me
the key to the disabled lavvy?
373
00:20:08,111 --> 00:20:11,391
I think Elvis
needs to leave the building.
374
00:20:11,391 --> 00:20:13,071
I'll get it.
375
00:20:13,071 --> 00:20:16,791
Well, I'm going to the able toilets.
Come on, Sarah.
376
00:20:16,791 --> 00:20:20,191
What? Come with us - then we
can have a proper girly gossip.
377
00:20:20,191 --> 00:20:21,951
Oh, erm...
378
00:20:23,511 --> 00:20:25,031
I'll give you a push.
379
00:20:25,031 --> 00:20:27,191
Eee, that Sarah is wonderful,
our Jack.
380
00:20:27,191 --> 00:20:28,391
I know. She is.
381
00:20:28,391 --> 00:20:31,711
And a degree too! You can tell right
away she's cleverer than you.
382
00:20:31,711 --> 00:20:34,951
OK. Good. I tell you, she's not like
every single one of your other ones.
383
00:20:34,951 --> 00:20:38,431
Mam, don't start. Well,
that last one was a bloody mess.
384
00:20:38,431 --> 00:20:40,111
Hitting a policeman.
385
00:20:40,111 --> 00:20:42,671
I know she said she thought
he was a stripogram,
386
00:20:42,671 --> 00:20:45,271
but what sort of a stripogram
comes in full riot gear?
387
00:20:52,831 --> 00:20:55,671
Oh! Would you like me
to just step out?
388
00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:58,711
Oh, no.
How can we gossip like lasses then?
389
00:20:58,711 --> 00:21:00,591
Busy!
390
00:21:00,591 --> 00:21:04,031
It's Denise, man! It's the
wild card round, what you having?
391
00:21:04,031 --> 00:21:07,511
Breezer. Get us a cranberry, though,
I've got a touch of the 'titis.
392
00:21:07,511 --> 00:21:10,711
Mind, that Sarah seems a bit
up her own arse, doesn't she?
393
00:21:10,711 --> 00:21:15,391
Er, no, I think you've just
got to get to know her, pet.
394
00:21:15,391 --> 00:21:18,231
Well, if she mucks it up with Jack,
I'll be in there quicker than
395
00:21:18,231 --> 00:21:20,751
Gazza on a free bar.
396
00:21:23,391 --> 00:21:27,431
You're much nicer than some of
the other lasses he's brought home.
397
00:21:27,431 --> 00:21:29,591
He's had some right horrors.
398
00:21:29,591 --> 00:21:33,231
Oh, we've no secrets.
He's told me all about his exes.
399
00:21:33,231 --> 00:21:36,631
He fair old broke Denise's heart,
good and proper. Denise?
400
00:21:36,631 --> 00:21:38,191
She couldn't box for weeks.
401
00:21:39,191 --> 00:21:41,431
Right. Right.
402
00:21:43,231 --> 00:21:47,031
You're probably wondering if I heard
through the wall that you're married?
403
00:21:47,031 --> 00:21:49,151
Not now you've just
clarified matters.
404
00:21:49,151 --> 00:21:52,471
Well, don't worry.
I'll not tell no-one.
405
00:21:52,471 --> 00:21:54,431
You won't tell anyone.
406
00:21:54,431 --> 00:21:58,431
I'll keep
your little, terrible secret.
407
00:21:58,431 --> 00:21:59,991
Really?
408
00:21:59,991 --> 00:22:04,831
Aye. Cos I like you.
You're all right.
409
00:22:04,831 --> 00:22:06,991
Welcome to the family, pet.
410
00:22:12,791 --> 00:22:16,511
Mam, listen, about Sarah...
I really love her.
411
00:22:16,511 --> 00:22:18,631
It's pretty serious, you know.
412
00:22:18,631 --> 00:22:21,271
I might even be thinking
about taking the next step.
413
00:22:31,311 --> 00:22:34,951
All right. Just... OK?
That's fantastic!
414
00:22:34,951 --> 00:22:38,271
OK. OK. I already knew your secret,
you know.
415
00:22:38,271 --> 00:22:39,631
What? What do you mean?
416
00:22:39,631 --> 00:22:42,271
A mam knows, Jack. Oh.
417
00:22:42,271 --> 00:22:45,711
I just had a feeling
when I saw youse together. I just...
418
00:22:45,711 --> 00:22:47,991
Oh, I just had the vibes, our Jack.
419
00:22:47,991 --> 00:22:50,551
You're going
to be very happy together.
420
00:22:50,551 --> 00:22:53,591
You've known her
for two and a half hours,
how can you know what she's like?
421
00:22:53,591 --> 00:22:58,471
A mam knows. Unless there's
something you're not telling us?
422
00:22:58,471 --> 00:23:01,551
No, course not. I knew that, pet.
423
00:23:01,551 --> 00:23:04,631
I knew there wasn't something
you weren't telling us.
424
00:23:04,631 --> 00:23:05,831
Course not.
425
00:23:05,831 --> 00:23:09,191
Unless there's something else
you're not telling us. No.
426
00:23:09,191 --> 00:23:11,871
I knew that too.
427
00:23:17,551 --> 00:23:18,831
All right, Joe?
428
00:23:18,831 --> 00:23:20,871
Gervaise.
429
00:23:20,871 --> 00:23:24,991
I hope you don't mind me saying this,
Joe,
430
00:23:24,991 --> 00:23:27,271
but when me
and your Vicki were together,
431
00:23:27,271 --> 00:23:29,871
I thought I'd found
me proper soulmate, like.
432
00:23:29,871 --> 00:23:33,551
Shame you shagged that
cocktail waitress, then, isn't it?
433
00:23:33,551 --> 00:23:36,631
Mistakes were made.
434
00:23:36,631 --> 00:23:39,551
But I want Vicki to know
she still means the world to me.
435
00:23:39,551 --> 00:23:41,111
What can I do?
436
00:23:41,111 --> 00:23:44,191
Well, she was always
a fan of your singing.
437
00:23:44,191 --> 00:23:49,031
In fact, she told me
she'd much rather listen to you sing
than have to listen to you talk.
438
00:23:49,031 --> 00:23:51,391
Hey, great idea!
439
00:23:51,391 --> 00:23:54,911
I could sing our song. That's
bound to tug on her heartstrings.
440
00:23:54,911 --> 00:23:57,591
You can't get more romantic
than the Cutting Crew.
441
00:24:00,471 --> 00:24:03,391
Right, I've freed the slaves.
442
00:24:16,471 --> 00:24:19,831
What happened in the toilet?
Is she going to say anything
about our secret?
443
00:24:19,831 --> 00:24:22,191
No. We're fine.
We've made a contract.
444
00:24:22,191 --> 00:24:26,911
And a contract made
between two women in a toilet
cubicle cannot be broken.
445
00:24:26,911 --> 00:24:30,351
I told me mam
I'm thinking of popping the question
in your direction.
446
00:24:30,351 --> 00:24:32,591
And she was thrilled.
She thinks you're great.
447
00:24:32,591 --> 00:24:35,831
Really?
Course she does. Why wouldn't she?
448
00:24:35,831 --> 00:24:38,111
Right, I reckon it's time
for a round of shots.
449
00:24:38,111 --> 00:24:40,991
Oh, no, thank you,
I've already had three wines.
450
00:24:40,991 --> 00:24:43,031
I don't want to get too drunk.
451
00:24:43,031 --> 00:24:45,311
Here we go.
452
00:24:45,311 --> 00:24:49,351
Drunk is all relative.
Why don't we call them a nightcap?
453
00:24:49,351 --> 00:24:52,591
Cos you can't get drunk off
a nightcap, can you?
454
00:24:56,311 --> 00:24:57,711
You're right. Why not?
455
00:24:57,711 --> 00:24:59,591
Masterful.
456
00:25:05,231 --> 00:25:09,191
Ah, that's better. Or is it worse?
It's hard to tell.
457
00:25:09,191 --> 00:25:11,431
Sit here, our Sarah, next to me.
458
00:25:11,431 --> 00:25:13,151
Oh! It's "our Sarah" now, is it?
459
00:25:13,151 --> 00:25:15,271
Well, it might be soon. Mam!
460
00:25:15,271 --> 00:25:19,031
If you and Jack get married, will
we have to have a Jewish caterer?
461
00:25:19,031 --> 00:25:20,471
No, of course not.
462
00:25:20,471 --> 00:25:23,871
Is there a special sort of hat
you'd need me to wear?
463
00:25:23,871 --> 00:25:25,271
No, no.
464
00:25:25,271 --> 00:25:29,071
And would Jack
have to convert to your side?
465
00:25:29,071 --> 00:25:34,231
Well, that's not compulsory. And I
don't really see Judaism as a side.
466
00:25:34,231 --> 00:25:37,951
Would we? Cos I'm fine
with not working on a Saturday,
467
00:25:37,951 --> 00:25:41,431
but I'm not sure Joe's heart
could take him being circumvented.
468
00:25:44,391 --> 00:25:47,951
What? I was so worried
that I'd embarrass myself.
469
00:25:47,951 --> 00:25:49,951
But you're all just lovely.
470
00:25:49,951 --> 00:25:52,511
Ooh, we should take
a picture of everyone!
471
00:25:52,511 --> 00:25:54,951
Oh, yes, a picture of all of us.
472
00:25:54,951 --> 00:25:59,511
Ramsey, take a picture of us,
will you, flower?
473
00:25:59,511 --> 00:26:02,511
Here you are. I think you should
hurry up, I don't feel very good.
474
00:26:02,511 --> 00:26:06,351
Ah!
That'll be the shots sloshing
around and doing their magic.
475
00:26:06,351 --> 00:26:08,031
This is a fancy bit of kit, like.
476
00:26:08,031 --> 00:26:10,071
Aye, just take a picture,
not the whole phone.
477
00:26:10,071 --> 00:26:11,591
Jack, don't be so rude.
478
00:26:11,591 --> 00:26:13,991
Your mum's right, Jack,
these are good people.
479
00:26:13,991 --> 00:26:15,711
They take care of their own.
480
00:26:15,711 --> 00:26:17,711
Sheila's dead!
481
00:26:17,711 --> 00:26:19,391
Right, dead body.
482
00:26:19,391 --> 00:26:22,471
We've got seven minutes
before the police get here.
483
00:26:22,471 --> 00:26:25,271
If we're quick, we can
get another round in. Denise!
484
00:26:25,271 --> 00:26:26,671
I'm already there!
485
00:26:31,751 --> 00:26:34,911
Ahh! Everybody!
486
00:26:34,911 --> 00:26:37,511
Poor Sheila is lying there dead.
487
00:26:37,511 --> 00:26:40,271
Do you not think
she deserves a bit of dignity?
488
00:26:40,271 --> 00:26:43,791
Man, just cordon her off.
It's what she would have wanted.
489
00:26:43,791 --> 00:26:47,711
No. First thing we should
do is get her affairs in order.
490
00:26:47,711 --> 00:26:50,511
Cos she did get Bigfoot
And The Hendersons off me at teatime
491
00:26:50,511 --> 00:26:52,071
but she hadn't paid us for it yet.
492
00:26:52,071 --> 00:26:55,351
So I'll just get the money from her
purse now, save any hassle later.
493
00:26:55,351 --> 00:27:00,351
Ramsey, you will not!
A woman's purse is sacred!
494
00:27:00,351 --> 00:27:02,671
Here, Sarah,
you look after it for her.
495
00:27:02,671 --> 00:27:06,191
Big Keith, Joe,
get her out the back, will you?
496
00:27:06,191 --> 00:27:08,311
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
497
00:27:08,311 --> 00:27:10,511
Partying around
this poor departed woman,
498
00:27:10,511 --> 00:27:12,631
going through her things
like jackals.
499
00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:15,631
It's the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen.
500
00:27:17,551 --> 00:27:22,311
To be fair, that's probably worse,
like - being sick
in a dead woman's handbag.
501
00:27:22,311 --> 00:27:25,391
Doesn't Sarah look nice
in a wedding dress?
502
00:27:25,391 --> 00:27:26,991
What?
503
00:27:26,991 --> 00:27:29,431
Look! It's in that Las Vegas!
504
00:27:29,431 --> 00:27:32,511
Jack is dressed as Elvis,
but it's definitely him!
505
00:27:35,351 --> 00:27:36,831
Are youse two married?
506
00:27:36,831 --> 00:27:39,031
Yes. Sorry. We wanted...
507
00:27:41,591 --> 00:27:43,111
Jack?
508
00:27:43,111 --> 00:27:46,271
Mam, I'm sorry.
We were waiting for the right time.
509
00:27:46,271 --> 00:27:49,631
You kept this...from your mam?
510
00:27:51,511 --> 00:27:54,391
Me only son got married.
511
00:27:54,391 --> 00:27:58,631
Dressed as Elvis.
And this is how I find out?
512
00:27:58,631 --> 00:28:02,031
In the middle of the pub
in front...of everyone,
513
00:28:02,031 --> 00:28:07,511
including dead Sheila? I can't
think of anything less appropriate.
514
00:28:07,511 --> 00:28:10,391
This is specially for you, Vicki.
515
00:28:16,751 --> 00:28:18,311
Away, man, not now!
516
00:28:21,193 --> 00:28:50,320
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