(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ Yip bi di dit bip bi-ee-i-di-dit Wander Over Yonder! ♪
♪ Wander! Wander! Over! Over! ♪
♪ Yonder! Yonder! Wander! Yonder! ♪
♪ Yip bi di dit bip bi-ee-i-di-dit Wander Over Yonder! ♪
Hater!
♪ Yip bi di dit bip bi-ee-i-di-dit Wander Over Yonder! ♪
♪ Wander! Wander! Over! Over! ♪
♪ Yonder! Yonder! Wander! Wander! ♪
♪ Yip bi di dit bip bi-ee-i-di-dit Wander Over Yonder! ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do-do ♪
(LASERS FIRING)
PEEPERS: Oh, no! If the Black Cube gets the Ring of Invincibility,
he'll be unstoppable!
(CLANGS)
(CLANGING AGGRESSIVELY)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES AND STOPS)
-(KNOCKING) -MAN: Cube! Hey, Cube!
I know you're in there!
Where's my rent, Blockhead?
-(DISTORTED SOUNDS) -Oh, no!
You ain't pulling that soul-sucking, Latin mumbo jumbo again!
E pluribus you owe me money, Cube!
You got 24 hours
or you're out on your hexahedronic heinie!
Got it?
MAN: (SCOFFS) That's what I get for renting to a has-been villain!
♪ I'm just a little black cube of darkness ♪
♪ A little black cube of darkness ♪
♪ Black cube of darkness ♪
♪ A little black cube ♪
♪ My edges are sharp ♪
♪ My corners are pointy ♪
♪ My complexion's opaque ♪
♪ Just looking, yeah looking, for a place to fit in ♪
♪ But I'm never ♪
♪ The right shape ♪
(PHONE RINGS)
STACY (ON PHONE): Hi, Cube.
Uh, it's Stacy. Listen,
we have to break up.
I mean, I'm a nice girl,
you're a concentrated block of pure evil.
It's just not a good fit.
-Bye! -(PHONE CLICKS)
(DIAL TONE)
♪ I'm just a little black cube of darkness ♪
♪ A little black cube of darkness ♪
♪ A little black cube ♪
-(SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL) -(CHANTING IN FRUSTRATION)
WANDER (CHEERFULLY): Good morning!
Need a hand?
(ENGINE REVS)
(ANGRY DISTORTED CHANTING)
Wander! That is the Black Cube of Darkness!
We gotta get out of here before he sucks out our souls!
Aw, Syl! It never hurts to help!
Do you know how often you say that immediately before we actually get hurt?
(ANGRY DISTORTED CHANTING)
WANDER: Whoah, whoah!
Hey there, friend! Yeah, you!
Having a rough day?
Been there! But, take it from me,
a bad attitude only makes it rougher!
Learn to let go of anger and you won't have to suffer!
It's a beautiful day!
Listen to the birds sing, look at the sunshine!
Let them be your guide, and you'll be feeling fine!
(ANGELIC CHOIR PLAYS)
That's the spirit!
♪ Taking a positive attitude now ♪
♪ Won't let things drag me down ♪
♪ Folks start to panic, I won't get all manic ♪
♪ ‘Cause I'm floating off the ground ♪
♪ My contours are sleek ♪
♪ My surface is shiny ♪
♪ Nothing gets in my way ♪
♪ My upbeat composure's gonna help me find closure ♪
♪ What a wonderful day! ♪
♪ I'm a little black cube of sunshine ♪
♪ Black cube of sunshine ♪
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
♪ A little black cube, he's a little black cube ♪
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(WHISTLING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(HORNS HONKING)
TEEN 1: Look at this joker!
He's all like, (MOCKING) "Oh, good day to you, sir.
"I am a shape!"
(ALL LAUGH)
What a square!
It's funny because he's different from us!
OLD LADY: Oh, my stars and garters!
Oh! Why thank you so much!
What a polite, young... (SCREAMS)
OLD LADY: It's the villainous Black Cube of Darkness!
He's come to steal my soul!
-(TEENS LAUGHING) -OLD LADY: Help! Police, help!
COOK: Well, well, well!
Look who finally decided to show up for his shift!
You're lucky I need you on the register,
or I'd kick you out on your parallela-piping posterior!
(SHOUTING) Now, get out there!
WANDER: What a co-winky dink!
-Hello again! -Uh, yeah. Hi.
I trust you enjoyed your brisk morning walk?
I can't believe you work here!
You are so lucky!
What a noble profession!
Feeding the hungry,
brightening up people's day!
I would like a triple-pickle pie,
and the honor of providing you with the gratuity
for all of your fine work!
(CLEARS THROAT)
(WHISTLING)
''What a co-winky dink!"
If it is isn't our old friend!
(DISTORTED CHANTING)
(TEENS LAUGH)
Let's see.
I'll take a quadruple splatty melt, no cheese, no pickles,
extra cheese, seven pickles, ketchup, classic, no sesame seed on the top bun...
(CONTINUES ORDERING)
(MACHINE BEEPING RAPIDLY)
...and a diet Thunder Blazz.
Now my associate will have...
(DISTORTED CHANTING)
(LAUGHING)
(ALARM BEEPING)
You know you're fired, right?
♪ Acting all chummy, try to help out somebody ♪
♪ But they freak out ♪
♪ Then I freak out ♪
♪ Try to make conversation, but before I am able ♪
♪ Well, I freak out ♪
♪ Then they freak out ♪
♪ Black cube of darkness ♪
♪ Little black cube of darkness ♪
♪ Black cube of darkness ♪
♪ Little black cube ♪
(MOCKINGLY) "Oh! Look at me!
"I'm having a sad moment of soul searching!"
Must've lost his edge!
Cubes have edges! Ha ha!
(ANGRY DISTORTED CHANTING)
(MOCKING) Ooh! I'm so scared!
Look! I'm shaking too! Ooh!
TEEN 1: What a loser! Ha ha!
(GASPING)
Help me! Somebody...
He spent so much time working on sick burns
that he never learned to swim!
What are we gonna do?
Ew! Get your cube off of me, you cube!
I don't want your (SPUTTERING) help!
(TEEN 1 GASPING)
(DISTORTED CHANTING)
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS)
(SPUTTERING AND COUGHING)
What happened?
-Oh, my grop! -He totally sucked out your soul!
-(MOB APPROACHES) -That was your plan the whole time,
wasn't it?
In fact, I think maybe you pushed me off that bridge!
♪ Take a deep breath now ♪
♪ Don't do anything crazy ♪
♪ Just don't freak out ♪
♪ No, don't freak out ♪
♪ It's a misunderstanding ♪
♪ Sure that they'll understand it ♪
♪ Unless they don't understand it ♪
♪ Never do understand it ♪
♪ But don't freak out ♪
♪ Don't freak out ♪
-(MUSIC INTENSIFIES) -♪ Freak out ♪
We gotta help him, Syl!
Wander, no! Wait!
WANDER: Black Cube!
Please! Don't freak out!
(SHOUTING) Wander!
This is all your fault!
He was only trying to help you!
How could you do this to him?
You should all be ashamed of yourselves!
This guy saved that kid's life!
All he wanted was to be a good guy for once!
SYLVIA: But you're all so focused on the bad stuff
that you never look for the good stuff inside him!
I mean, heck!
After what you all put him through,
I don't blame him for freaking out!
Haven't any of you ever had a lousy day?
My twin brother forgot to call me on my birthday.
My twin brother forgot to call me on my birthday!
(SOBBING)
I didn't make the soccer team.
I did make the soccer team, but I hate soccer!
I'm suffering from a distinct case of ennui.
Also, I use words I don't understand to sound important.
And my best friend and I are on the run from a series of evil villains
but that doesn't mean we go out and ruin someone else's day.
Sometimes, the only solution
is to tell someone,
"I'm sorry you had a bad day."
WANDER (SINGING): We're all just little black
EVERYONE (SINGING): cubes of darkness!
♪ Little black cubes of darkness ♪
♪ Little black cubes! ♪
ANDY: Sector G, hall one,
all clear.
Sector G, hall two,
all clear.
Sector G, hall three.
Oh! Hi!
Oh, I didn't see you there.
Hey, you know, you're not really allowed in here.
Top secret security stuff.
(LAUGHS)
But, if you've ever wondered about
what keeps Lord Hater's galactic domination machine running,
well, then, you're in for a real treat, because it's time for...
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
This is Eye On the Skull Ship!
I'm Andy, your humble host,
and I'd like to welcome you to a very special episode.
ANDY: We all know that life on the Skull Ship can be tedious at times,
(TIRED TONE) one routine work day seamlessly blending into the next.
But today is going to be different.
Today, I'm proud to bring you...
(DRUM ROLL)
A one-on-one with Lord Hater!
(LAUGHS)
That's right.
I put in a formal request to interview our esteemed leader and...
-(ALARM GOES OFF) -Oh, my gracious!
Maybe that's Hater now. Okay.
Hello, you're live on Eye On the Skull Ship with Andy,
chief security monitor...
I know who you are, Andy!
This is Commander Peepers.
Once again, your request to interview Lord Hater has been rejected
on grounds that it's not your job to make this stupid show!
Well, (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) it's not my job, per se.
But you know, I think it's my duty to help enlighten...
-Just keep an eye on your sector. -Yes, sir! Always do.
No, you don't!
Well, slight change of plans.
Looks like we won't be talking to Lord Hater.
But fret not, dear viewers.
I know you're dying to see him, and I won't give up until I give
(CONFUSED) you...
what you want!
In the meantime, I bet you're wondering...
(ANNOUNCING) What's for lunch?
(SIGHS) That's right. It's the 453rd time we find out exactly
what the Watchdogs are eating for lunch.
Excuse me, fellow Watchdog.
What refreshing and replenishing meal
has been graciously given to you by our generous leader
Lord Hater?
Oh, wow. Uh, hi.
Um, apparently, I have never been on live television before,
and apparently, I'm having enchiladas.
Apparently.
Fascinating!
-And what delicious... -(SCREAMING) Enchiladas!
(LOUD CHEERING)
WATCHDOG: Enchiladas!
Chef, tell us, enchiladas.
Was this meal specifically chosen by Lord Hater's decree?
Uh... no.
Taco Tuesday was yesterday,
so there was leftovers,
and I decided to make, uh,
enchiladas.
Hmm, interesting.
So does Lord Hater like enchiladas?
I don't know.
All I know is, I didn't want the stuff to go to waste,
so I reused it today.
Hm, yes. But Lord Hater see...
The thing with...
The thing with ground beef is,
you gotta...
Self-defense,
where the Watchdogs closest to Hater, his elite ground troops,
learn the fine art of conquering.
And if we're lucky,
Lord Hater might make a surprise pop-in to inspect the troops.
To be the best takes months of intense training in areas like
Advanced Sylvia Defense,
and, of course, Wander Avoidance Tactics.
TRAINER: I know he wants to be your friend.
I know he wants to play carnival games.
I know he knows all your names,
and birthdays,
and how you like to spend a rainy Sunday with a crossword and a cup of chamomile.
I mean, he is really not such a bad guy.
No!
Wander is pure, unadulterated love!
I'm sure our resident drill instructor has a host of exciting Hater stories
to share with us.
-You're darn right I do! One time... -PEEPERS: Andy!
Why aren't you at your post?
ANDY: Uh, gotta go! Tune in next time!
(SOFTLY) We are live from Level H8,
Hater's private floor.
Only Watchdogs in Hater's inner circle are allowed on this level.
I hope to speak with someone close to the big man himself.
Though it's risky, it's worth it,
because this is the story every Watchdog is waiting for.
I wonder who we'll...
-(DOOR SLAMS) -(WATCHDOG SCREAMING)
Oh, my gosh!
That was Captain Tim,
Lord Hater's personal pet.
This is a sure-fire exclusive!
We're here with Lord Hater's personal pet, and dog walker.
Wow. What I wouldn't give to work so closely with our great leader.
Be my guest!
(SCREAMING IN PAIN)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYS)
Welcome again to
Eye On the Skull Ship.
Thanks to some of the guys in the infirmary,
I was able to secure an exclusive place at one of Hater's rallies!
Woo... Ow, ow!
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
(HATER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Fear not, viewers.
Though I can barely see, or hear our esteemed leader,
I assure you, I will get at least
some of the Hater coverage you demanded.
(LORD HATER CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
He's talking about his hated rival, Lord Dominator.
Boo!
And now he's saying he'll
conquer
her heart?
That can't be right.
(PEEPERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Well, Peepers seems to be getting very upset about this.
Hater's pulling out what appears to be some kind of...
ANDY (EXCITED): It's the T-shirt cannon!
(CLAMORING)
(WATCHDOG GROANS)
(LOW PITCHED SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
"I Heart Dominator"?
(PEEPERS GROWLING ANGRILY)
Oh, boy.
Hello, all. After a serious close call with Commander Peepers,
your humble host
has decided to do the show entirely from the safety of his security office,
so he won't
get fired.
But! You won't believe who stopped by for a little chat with us.
The one and only
Lord Hater!
(IN LORD HATER'S VOICE) Hi, Andy. It sure is an honor to be here.
Huge fan of the show.
Really? Oh, well, sir, that really means the world to me.
And each and every one of you Watchdogs
mean the world to me, Andy.
In fact, I'd like to thank all the Watchdogs for their tireless service.
They're truly the backbone of the Skull Ship, and...
Oh. Who am I kidding?
(SIGHS) I'm sorry, everyone. I was a fool to think I could give you a good show.
I'll never get a Lord Hater interview.
Hey, uh...
my printer stopped working.
It says I need toner.
Are you Toner?
(NERVOUSLY) I, uh...
You TV here?
(FUMBLING) Yes, sir.
Unless, that would get me in trouble. In which case, no.
How many people watch your show?
Oh, it goes out all over.
All over, huh?
Dear viewers, it is with the deepest pride that I present to you
the man, the myth, the leader I'm honored to serve.
The greatest in the galaxy,
Lord Hater.
Lord Hater, how are you?
Good to be here, Toner.
Listen up, and listen good!
All you poser villains out there better recognize
who the G-est in the G is!
It's Lord Hater, number one superstar!
You want a piece of me, Emperor Dork-some?
Got beef, Sandwich? Then bring it on, losers!
I will lightning you so hard,
that you'll be all, like,
-Sir, excuse me. -"Oh, no, lightning! Help me!"
How dare you interrupt my righteous rant
to the galaxy?
I'm sorry, sir. It's just that, (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) you see,
when I said the show went out all over,
I meant all over the Skull Ship. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Not the galaxy.
Wait. So who actually watches this?
Well, I don't have the exact figures handy...
It certainly has the potential to be viewed by,
you know, anyone on the ship, so,
mostly Watchdogs, I think.
Watchdogs?
You make a show for Watchdogs?
That's the stupidest, lamest thing ever!
I mean, really?
This show is stupid! You're stupid.
You should both be cancelled. Hater out!
(YELLS)
(SAD INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)
ANDY (SADLY): Sector G, hall one,
all clear.
Sector G, hall two,
all clear.
Sector G, hall three,
all clear.
Commander Peepers. I promise I stopped doing my stupid show.
Nothing is going on.
I know, that's the problem!
(WATCHDOGS CHANTING) Andy fan, best show!
The Watchdogs are rioting!
Apparently, they wanna watch your weird little show about them.
They claim your interviews made them feel special. Bleh!
Wow! You mean,
I didn't need a Hater interview?
I was making the show the Watchdogs wanted all along?
A show that made them feel special? Wow.
I mean that...
That makes me feel special...
Just make your stupid show!
WATCHDOGS: Enchiladas!
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Welcome to Eye On the Skull Ship,
the only show for Watchdogs,
about Watchdogs,
by a Watchdog for Watchdogs.
I am your humble host, Andy the Watchdog,
and today, I am here with Giuseppe,
the ship's tailor.
So, what's your secret?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) You see, Watchdogs have the very big heads,
and the very skinny necks.
So it's all about the stretchy shirts.
Then it's about the beanies, and the booties, and the glovies.
If the Watchdogs no look good, Giuseppe no look good.
Fascinating.
Bleh! Why would anyone watch this?
I don't know, sir. I just don't know.