Must you? Just here?
... three, two, one!
Happy New Year!
I do.
It now gives me great pleasure to pronounce you...
Excuse me.
You all right?
I'm fine.
- Something lodged? - Nothing.
- Water. - What?
A glass of water, please.
- Where's the water? - I don't know.
Oh, dear.
He's getting it from the font!
Mmm.
Jesus Christ. Sorry.
- So sorry. Where were we? - "I now pronounce you."
- I now pronounce you. - Yeah.
- No, thank you. - I now pronounce you...
...husband and wife.
Look at them.
- Aren't they adorable? - Yes.
I give it a year.
And for those of you who don't know me,
and especially if we meet in the bar later,
my name is, "Danny Do-you-want-a-pint?"
Fornication...
I'll read that again.
For an occasion...
like this,
I want to make sure I keep up the traditions of being a best man.
Apparently I need to get the groom to the church on time. Tick.
I need to remember the rings. Did that. And I need to...
have sex with a bridesmaid. Wahey!
I... To be fair, I wrote these, um... before I knew they...
I would never have sex with a...
Maybe when they're older. Never say never.
And keep away from Paedo Rog! Ha-ha!
All right, Paedo? Nice to have you.
He's come a long way. Good lad.
It's great to see so many people turn up to see Josh finally tie the knot.
And about time, too.
Nat's got it all. She's brilliantly clever,
apparently really delivers in the bedroom.
Like mother like daughter, eh? He knows what I'm talking about.
And I don't know about you,
but I feel she could easily be a model, I think we'll agree,
if it wasn't for her nose.
When I first saw her beaver...
...ing away... Beavering away,
cooking Josh a meal, I knew she was a real catch.
Um, I've got no idea why her previous boyfriend cheated on her,
but, uh, I'm glad he did.
Cheers to him, wherever he may be.
Probably shagging.
But, uh, no. Um, seriously, Nat.
You're a real eight out of ten, love. I mean that sincerely.
And we're delighted you and Josh have found each other.
So, everyone, please, raise your glasses
as we say a little toast to Nat and Josh.
To Nat and Josh!
Nat is literally gonna be cringing right now.
She hates being the centre of attention.
It is impossible to imagine anyone
looking more beautiful than you do today, Nat.
And I know how much you love being the centre of attention.
That's just one of the things that makes us so different.
Because I'm a thinker, you're a doer.
I'm laissez-faire, you're anal.
Hey, you dirty sod!
On you go.
I think it's fine for a man to wear Crocs,
and you've made it abundantly clear you do not.
I know it's only been seven months,
and some of you think that we're crazy for getting married, but...
all I know is, from the first moment I saw you,
I knew that yours was the only face
and the only voice...
- that I would ever need again. - Aw!
'Cause in that moment, everything just changed.
Everything just seemed to fit so perfectly.
Wahey!
And I'm so lucky that I feel like I'm only just getting to know you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here's to us.
- Here's to us. - Cheers!
Are you happy?
The happiest.
The best two hours and 36 minutes of my life.
You know, I had this terrible fear
that you were gonna do some sort of novelty dance.
Get it on quickly, get it on quickly. I'm so sorry, Nat.
- You can't say those things. - Don't be a player hater.
Seriously, mate. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
Am I right? Put it there, mate.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Aw. That's nice.
Listen, son, you know it's not easy, don't you?
- The first year is the worst. - Okay.
- It's true. - Thank you.
If you can make it through the first year of marriage,
- you can make it through anything. - Yeah.
You know, there were times when your father was late home
- I used to fantasise he'd been killed. - Did you?
- Mmm. - That's nice.
Oh, in my mind, it was always the IRA.
Strange, strange.
But things got better because we love each other.
Tremendous, tremendous.
- Shall we go, yeah? This is weird. - Yes, it's a bit weird.
Unbelievable. Just unbelievable.
- So, that was nine months ago. - Mmm.
And I think even then we knew instinctively
something wasn't quite right.
You realised you'd married beneath yourself.
You thought you could be with someone better-looking,
better body, perhaps a professional man?
- Uh, no. - No.
No, no, I think we were both in love with the idea of being in love.
You know, and we're at that age where we're ready to find "the one".
And don't tell me, Josh, you opened that closet door,
didn't want to live that lie any more.
I picked up on it the moment you sat down.
Tricks of the trade. You know, you can tell by the shoes.
No! Oh, Christ, no, no, no, no, I'm completely straight.
Couldn't be less gay. I mean, I don't even like...
touching my own penis.
Right, so were there terrible sexual problems?
Does he have tremendously niche desires?
Did he want to touch you here?
- Uh... - Never with a pen.
Look, Nat's amazing, obviously. She's wonderful.
And I think we both really want to make this work.
But is it possible
that some people just aren't supposed to be married?
Truthfully, there's just something in our marriage
that hasn't quite...
- Clicked. ...jelled.
So? Was it like a dream?
Well, we ticked every wedding box.
Cake, sweaty uncles dancing to Queen.
People we thought were dead flying in from Canada.
It was very wedding-y, right?
It was so romantic.
It was just like a Hugh Grant film.
- It was amazing, wasn't it? - Mmm!
Did you like all the flowers? We got the most...
I'm sorry,
but can we do this at lunch?
- Right. Absolutely, Helen. - Thanks.
Ruthlessly efficient, as always.
We should not be talking about
- lace halter necks on company time. - No.
- What's the story? - While you were on your holiday,
I took the initiative
and I started gathering ideas for Guy Harrap.
He's taken over his father's industrial solvent and bleach empire.
You weren't here, but he basically wants to make solvents and bleach sexy.
Fuck off.
Is that my dirty little slut of a wife?
Hey!
What are you doing?
Uh, middle of a meeting. What's up?
Maybe I'm just missing the sexiest wife in the universe.
- Not working today? - I've got writer's block.
I can't work out whether to call my main character Ezra
- or David. - Um, David.
I was at school with an Ezra who got expelled
for punching a swan in the throat.
Who said the second novel would be tricky?
Anything else?
No, no, no. I'll see you at three.
Love...
...you.
Sorry, that was my husband.
He has writer's block.
Did I mention that he was a writer, of books?
- Only about a million times. - Yeah, Clare mentioned it,
but I've never heard of him.
Sorry, sorry.
You do realise you're not going any faster than walking, don't you?
You've got all the superficial trappings of a run
but there's people walking much faster than you.
You're just expending a lot of surplus energy.
Thank you for that analysis.
How late are we?
Well, you, my little friend, are 10 minutes early.
I told you the wrong time because I knew you'd never be on schedule.
- Right. - Mmm!
I'm just trying to work out if I find that endearing
or it makes me want to bludgeon you to death with a shovel.
- No, it's endearing. - I think it's a shovel.
- It's endearing. - Do we have a shovel?
Well, firstly, a hearty "mazoltov" for your marriage.
- I think it's "mazel tov", isn't it? - Thank you.
- Mmm? - I always thought it was "mazel tov".
I don't know, I'm not Jewish.
Oh.
But, as you know, whilst everything may seem so happy now,
of course you could be struck down at any time.
Cancer. Heart disease. Meningitis.
Hit by a truck.
Bam!
I had a client who was kicked to death by a group of disaffected youths
high on meow meow.
She'd just left the house to get potatoes.
- Just potatoes. - Shit.
And the tragedy was,
she hadn't thought to make a will.
Or a Tesco home delivery.
What?
Yeah.
She was only identifiable by her dental records.
Why, what had they done to her?
They'd made impressions of her teeth.
Still, fortunately, you two have had the presence of mind
to plan for your future.
So, have you considered what would happen
if either of you fell into a persistent...
- ... vegetatative state? - A what, sorry?
Persistent vegetatative state.
Mmm. One too many T's there. "Vegetative."
Have you considered what would happen if you fell into...
one of these guys?
Just pillow talk, really.
No, I think we did decide that we'd both like to be left to die.
Excellent, yes. We just switched off my aunt.
- I'm sorry. - Aw.
No, it's all right. It's no quality of life.
And we freed up a socket for a lava lamp.
Ah.
It's transformed the lounge.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Largely losing her, to be fair.
Now, can we go through a few of these? Just give me a yes or no.
Are we switching the life support off?
Brain dead?
- Switch it off. - Switch it off. Get it off.
Locked-in syndrome?
That's the one where you're paralysed but you can still wink.
It's all the...
It's the dribble, isn't it, that I couldn't handle.
- Constantly mopping up phlegm. - I wouldn't want that.
You wouldn't want that. That's why you're murdering your wife.
So, are you switching it off?
- Sorry, what are you doing? - Off!
- Switch it off, yeah. - Off she goes!
Night-night.
Um, brain-damaged and vegetative.
- Thank you. - Mmm.
Um, brain stem undamaged.
So you're breathing, you're swallowing, you're fine,
but you are still literally a shell of a person
with no capacity for any emotion or thought.
Much like my Susan.
My little joke.
- Off, off. - Off, yeah, off.
Get that off, off, off, off!
Well, this is slightly more depressing
- than I'd imagined. - Oh, no. Come one.
And you haven't even received my bill yet.
That's a good 'un. That is a good 'un.
An electric peppermill?
I can't believe you got an electric peppermill.
We thought we had to have at least one dinner party
to use all the crap we got bought.
At least that's a useful gift.
D'you know what I mean? I hate those gifts where someone says,
"Do you know what I've done for you?
"I've donated to charity on your behalf."
"Have you? Really?" Bollocks to that.
If I'm getting married, why should some African fella get a couple of goats?
I want a fucking smoothie maker, d'you know what I mean?
- Did you get them goats? - Four of them.
- Four goats? - Yeah.
That's a lovely gift, that, because they need goats.
African fella's pleased.
Go on, tell us about your honeymoon.
It was lovely. It was idyllic.
Morocco's beautiful.
- Amazing place, yeah. - Yeah.
It was just a bit long, really.
I was really sad when we came back.
Well, things hit a low point when we found ourselves
in the Essaouira Museum of Leather Manufacturing
discussing if we had a superpower, what would it be?
I actually really enjoyed that. I thought that was really fun.
I think if I was gonna have any superpower,
it would be the ability to speak Spanish.
That would be amazing, wouldn't it? Because you could say stuff like,
- Hola, gazpacho. - You just said it.
- You're saying it now. - Oh, wow.
Hmm.
Not strictly speaking a superpower, though, is it, really?
Otherwise everyone in Brazil would be superheroes.
Mmm, true.
They speak Portuguese in Brazil.
You cock.
- Mmm? - Keep it for the car.
Um, so... Wait, so, Josh,
- what did you choose? - Boring, really. Super-strength.
That's what I would choose, too!
I think it would be so handy to be able to open, like, jam jars.
Jam jars! That's exactly... Isn't that exactly what I said?
- That's exactly what you said. - That's exactly what I said.
- That's so funny. - That is so funny.
Are we eight years old, all of a sudden? This is what children talk about.
All right, Nat, calm down, we were only having a joke.
Yeah, joke's over.
Ooh. "Grounds for divorce dot com."
Shut up, you "bell-end dot-co-dot-uk".
To be honest, I'm not sure you could get a divorce
because I'm not even sure you're officially married.
Because they never officially split up.
- What? - What?
They never officially split up.
What are you talking about?
You never officially broke up, did you?
Yeah, actually it's, um... it's pretty funny, really,
because, um, when I left for Africa,
we sort of never formally ended it.
Never formal.
We just sort of... We left it open.
Wide open.
Then I ended up being gone for four years.
- About four years... - But what's four years, really?
I've told you this.
- Nat. Nat. - Hmm?
I've told you this.
He wasn't happy, though, I'll tell you, that time.
Honestly, we used to refer to 2008 as the sort of... as the "lost year".
- Mate. - He would just sit there in his pants.
You know, drinking and playing Grand Theft Auto, masturbating.
No!
Sometimes all three at once.
That's an impressive thing. I couldn't do that.
I could practise for ages, I wouldn't be able to do that.
Imagine that on Britain's Got Talent.
Nat, I'm really sorry about that, back there.
I just... I thought that you knew.
Oh, no, don't be silly. It was years ago.
2008, I was still using "LOL" un-ironically
and wearing ballet flats.
Look at those. You look really cute in those.
- Thanks, thanks. - Pretty.
Um...
Yeah, well, you know, it really was a long time ago
and we were both so young.
We were so different back then.
And now he's married to the coolest woman on the planet.
You're sweet.
I thought, "I've got it made, I married a doctor."
And then you realise, you're gonna wake up every day
to the same hairy ears.
The same slightly deformed fungal toenail.
And you're gonna have to listen to that weird,
ear-throat-clearing sound they make
every day until you are dead.
And the same penis.
I may, literally, never see another penis again.
Unless it's a small child's.
Or if you get sexually assaulted.
And Josh's is lovely. You know, we have an incredible sex life.
But that's not the point, you know.
I love Michael Jackson's Off the Wall album.
I wouldn't necessarily want to only listen to that for the rest of my life.
Yeah. Oh, honey, I've been there.
I mean, you'll listen to it a lot in the beginning.
You'll listen to it in all different sorts of places.
You'll listen to it in the car,
in the disabled toilet cubicle in the McDonald's in Egham,
in your unconscious granny's hospital room.
- Granny Mary? - It's what she would have wanted.
But then, you know,
you're just gonna get to the point
where you're not that bothered about listening to music at all.
You just play it on birthdays,
or when you're very, very drunk.
Or...
if someone shows you a Justin Bieber video
when you're in the office
and, you know, all you can then think about is that.
Isn't he, like, 15?
Oh, he'd know what to do.
I'd ruin Bieber.
You would. You would ruin him.
Fuck. It's the soundtrack to my marriage.
Don't get married, you. Too late for you.
Penny for them.
Your thoughts. How you doing?
Hey, Danny.
Let's get the party started.
Get comfy. Get comfy.
You know, I shouldn't really tell you this, but I was talking to Josh...
...and, um,
he said that the sex between him and Nat
is amazing.
He said that it blows everything he's had in the past out the water.
Out of the water!
- Wow. That is tremendous news. - Tremendous news for him,
- he's really pleased, yeah. - It's... Yeah.
I suppose that's not really your thing, is it? Sex and sexiness.
You're more... How would you describe yourself?
Kind of "kind," do you know what I mean? Charitable.
It's a shame, in a way, that they couldn't put...
your brain in her body. D'you know what I mean? That would be amazing.
Although what would you be left with? You'd be left with, like...
Ooh, you'd be left with her brain in your body.
Imagine that. Just rampaging around, out of control.
"What's that?
"Oh, my God, it's like Frankenstein,
"but with, like, boobs."
Villagers coming out with pitchforks and torches. "Kill it!"
- It'd be just terrifying. - It would be terrifying.
It would be horrible.
No. Joking, joking. I'd do you.
- If you wanted. You know. - Thank you.
If I had to make a top-10 of women I know that I would do,
you'd be in that list.
Number seven. All right?
- Thank you. Thanks, Danny. - Seriously.
Do you want to get a drink sometime? Maybe pop out and get a drink sometime?
Um, I... No.
- Yeah? - No.
You say no, I say yes.
So, remember to play up our ethical credentials.
Don't mention the BP campaign.
And let's emphasise the online campaign we did for Greenpeace.
Our job is to convince people
his solvents won't render the planet a barren, lifeless husk
- unfit for future generations. - Piece of piss.
How are we gonna do that, then?
Well, if he's a cheapskate like his dad,
we suggest making the typeface green and yellow
and sticking some sort of sunflower or butterfly on the logo.
It's textbook.
Depressingly, you could be right.
I expect he'll be some sort of tasteless Yank,
obsessed with how we're all so quaint,
spell "colour" with a "u",
worship Benny Hill and then say "awesome" a lot.
Yeah. And he'll probably do that Austin Powers accent.
You know the one. "Yeah, baby!"
I didn't watch that film
because it's absolutely not my cup of tea.
And then plump for whatever turns out to be the cheapest option.
That's my prediction.
- You're not eating today? - There's a lot of mercury in that.
Then why don't you get a fucking sandwich?
I am gonna get a fucking sandwich, Clare,
but I'm not gonna have one with bread in it
because I'm a coeliac. You know that.
So I was thinking about your book.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I reckon that I prefer "Ezra" to "David" as a name.
There was a David at school who, if you paid him 50 cents,
was prepared to lick anything.
- Literally anything. - Let's talk about it over dinner
because Nat's out tonight, another work thing.
I'm starving.
I mean, obviously, it's all relative.
I feel their plight.
I only had a Kinder Bueno for lunch.
Mmm, I can't tonight. I'm going out with Charlie.
What, again? That's the third time in two weeks.
You're counting?
Sorry to interrupt.
Those articles you wanted from this morning.
- Thanks. - Thank you.
So, what, am I just supposed to stay home
in the hopes you've got a free night?
No.
I just don't want to see you getting hurt, that's all.
Is that him?
Yeah.
Well, I see someone managed to find a Burger King out in Sudan.
I've just seen Guy Harrap in reception!
And I would jump on him like a bouncy castle.
Remember to take off your shoes, and no somersaults.
- I need your ring. - What?
- We really need this account. - Are you on drugs?
Come on, it's not like you're gonna jump into bed with the man.
Clare!
What's up?
- Guy Harrap. - Hello.
Who we got here?
Natasha Redfearn, Accounts Director.
- Sweet. - Hi.
Is there anything we can offer you?
Hot diggity dog, I love the way you say that.
Huh? The way she says that? "Offer"?
Off... Can you say that again?
- Oh... - "Offer" me.
Um, offer.
There it is. There it is.
- Here, give me some of that. - Oh.
- All right. Pound it. - Yes. Oh.
I got an idea. Let's sit down, let's talk some business. Huh?
Mr Harrap, we're delighted that you've come to us
to take Harraps Solvents forward
and rebrand in the fresh challenges presented by the new media climate.
Awesome. Totally awesome. Bingo, huh?
We're very pleased with some of the concepts
we've come up with for the new incarnation of Harraps.
Yeah, as long as you don't fob me off with some yellow-and-green font.
I mean, how many times have we seen that, right?
Yes, exactly. No.
Too many! Far...
What we were pla... What we were thinking is to take...
- a holistic approach... - Mmm-hmm.
...focusing on the core brand values of integrity...
Integrity.
Got it. Thank you.
...responsibility...
- that epitomise... - Mmm.
...what Harraps stands for.
Harraps. That's very good.
Well, to be honest, at Oxford, my economics professor
favoured a fully integrated four-quadrant strategy
cohesive across all media,
presenting an instantly accessible,
aesthetic, philosophical and commercial identity
consistent with an ethical contemporary market leader
whilst embracing its legacy of integrity.
Yeah, baby!
That's Austin Powers.
I love that film.
- I'm so sorry, I just... - I know.
You thought I was a tasteless Yank obsessed with how quaint you all are.
That's so quaint.
It's incredibly embarrassing.
But we have plenty of other proposals to show you.
No, I don't need to see them. These things aren't done in boardrooms.
We should get to know each other, Miss Redfearn.
A holistic approach, as you say.
Well, agreed, but, uh,
but from the outset, you should know that I've just got, um...
another account that I have to focus on for the next few days.
- It's been a pleasure. - Thanks.
- I'm so sorry again for the... - No, please.
Bye.
When we first met, I just thought Josh was exactly what I needed.
You know, I felt...
so safe, and then...
I think what she's trying to say is,
is that the everyday reality of marriage
started to overtake the fairytale,
- the fantasy, right? - Ooh, hark at you.
Somebody swallowed a copy of Eat, Pray, Love.
No, I think as... we...
I'm gonna have to take this.
Yep, fine, I'm in a session.
Can't you pick them up?
Give me two minutes.
Talk about your feelings or your father or something.
Coming up on Cash in the Attic,
a delightful silver brooch made by a celebrated war hero.
The bin's full.
- Can you take it out? - Yeah.
The One Tree Hill omnibus is about to start.
Lauren's about to tell Jake that baby Connor's not his.
Oh, Christ. Your husband is so adorable.
Yes. He really is.
So ostentatious.
Have you seen my phone?
No. When did you last have it?
Well, if I knew that, it wouldn't be lost, would it?
That's the point of something being lost.
You're always here.
Why are you always here?
Come and have a look at this video of a monkey fucking a bullfrog.
He's killed it!
He's killed it by fucking it!
Seriously, Nat. Seriously, hang on a sec.
Why do you never get the words to a song right?
Does it really matter?
What, "I've travelled the world in generic jeans"?
Really? Come on.
I was just singing. Didn't realise it was so important.
Do you really think that Annie Lennox is singing about
whether she happened to travel the world in Levis or Wranglers?
Okay. Wow.
And while we're at it, Elton John isn't singing,
"Hold me close and tie me down, sir."
Kurt Cobain isn't singing, "Here we are now in containers."
If you can't sing it right, don't sing at all. It's idiotic.
Says the man dressed as a pea.
I can't believe we're having the same fucking row!
Oh! Not listening! Not listening! Not listening!
No! Fuck you!
Oh, my God, you're such an arsehole!
Yes, you are! You are such a cock-sucking,
shit-stabbing, fucking arsehole!
I could just fucking stab you right in the eyes!
What the fuck are you looking at?
You could do with a fuck!
No, not you! Nobody wants to fuck you!
You fucking frigid arsehole!
Yeah, fuck you!
So, here we are.
The hub of the Harraps empire.
What do you think?
Hopefully, you can see why I wanted you to check this place out.
It's state-of-the-art and responsible for a turnover last year of 37 million.
If you squirted air from a large space into a slightly smaller space last year,
chances are you did it through one of these.
Every time I squirt out a little bit of air,
I'll think of you.
That sounded weird, but you know what I mean.
Yeah, sure.
There's someone I want you to meet.
Janet's been working here for, what, 42 years?
Forty-three in June. Hello.
Yep, my grandfather exploited her, my father exploited her,
now I get to exploit her.
He's a good lad, this one. He takes care of us.
You won't find anybody here with a bad word to say about him.
Except Sarah.
But she's a proper shithouse.
Really?
He just needs to settle down, start a family.
So, what do you think?
- Wife material? - Definitely.
Better than the last one.
You should see some of the...
Yeah, I could dock your wages for insubordination.
Get back to work.
Clostridium acetobutylicum doesn't acidogenically ferment itself.
It looks like you've got the Janet seal of approval.
I'm not sure I'm the marrying type.
You realise you'd be the heir to a solvents fortune.
And that's not to be sniffed at.
Literally, it could result in convulsions,
coma, severe brain damage,
and in some cases, mental retardation.
They do all seem remarkably happy here. Is it the fumes?
These people, they're like family to me.
I've grown up on this factory floor.
I spent every summer here since I was two.
If you're good to people, people will be good to you.
It's what my dad taught me. It's what I want to teach my kids.
And I want to end all wars and cure cancer.
- All right? - Yeah. What?
You really... You don't have to come tonight if you don't want to.
No, I want to be there. Your husband should support you.
You look incredible.
I warn you, you'll be bored to tears
'cause I'm gonna have to network all night.
That's the cab. Seriously.
- Last chance to bail. - No, I want to go. I love a party.
Uh, will I need a coat? Is it cold out?
Why do you always ask me that?
How should I know if you need a coat?
I've been outside today, you've been outside today.
I have precisely the same amount of meteorological information as you do.
Josh!
I wouldn't want to be stuck behind him going through airport security.
Because it's all metal.
He's so funny, your husband. You've got a good one there.
Thanks, that's sweet.
Why don't you, um, go and mingle?
There's a band upstairs.
No, I think I'm gonna stay here. But you go, mingle, enjoy yourself.
Are you staying here because you think you have a good joke about that photo?
What?
You are!
You're staying here so you can say that joke about the photo.
It's a good joke. I actually have a couple.
Wouldn't want to be behind him going through airport security.
At least, if you went out with him,
you'd always have a little place to hang your coat.
I'm Josh Moss. Nice to meet you.
- Hi. - Ooh! She's gone.
You could put your keys on there, couldn't you?
I think that's just what happens when you sleep next to an open sewer.
Had amoebic dysentery. Twice.
In Rwanda at one point,
I was actually defecating pieces of my colon.
Miss Redfearn.
Guy!
Lovely to see you. I er... I didn't realise you were here.
You know, it's actually good that I ran into you
because I was thinking about some of those community outreach...
Could we take one night off from talking shop?
Am I allowed to say you're looking incredible?
Technically, no.
That would constitute sexual harassment.
You're right. The rules and regulations on that are very strict these days.
I actually have a copy of the Sexual Discrimination Act 2007 in my hotel room
if you'd like to come back and peruse it.
Although Christmas parties don't really count.
They're an opportunity to tell the person
you've had a secret crush on all year
how you really feel about them.
Aren't they?
Are they?
Of course.
I think protocol and decorum go right out the window.
I mean, look at that guy.
That is embarrassing.
Who is he?
Leave him alone, he's just had a few.
Hang on. He's attempting the BeyoncÃ© booty shake.
Either that or he's being sodomised by the Invisible Man.
Oh, he's just had a few too many cocktails.
He's wasted.
- Having a good time. - Yeah, sure is.
Oi, oi!
Hold on. Look out, here comes twinkle toes.
He's making a beeline.
I got your back, I'll just say I'm your boyfriend.
- No, you don't have to do that. - It's fine.
This party's amazing. So much fun.
Guy Harrap. Pleased to meet you.
Oh! The solvents guy!
How are you? Nice to meet you. He's so handsome, isn't he?
Whoo!
Bollocks.
Sorry.
Come on!
Is that...
Yeah, I suppose that's what office parties are for, huh?
That's hilarious!
Free booze and a chance to make out with the boss.
Well, I'm technically self-employed,
so I'll just have to settle for a can of Budweiser and a wank.
Charming.
Can I ask the sexiest woman in the room for a dance?
Listen, I...
We're actually talking business. So, maybe later.
Shouldn't you be busting a move?
You almost have to admire him for giving it a go.
You owe me one.
How about we make our excuses?
I have a table on hold at Nobu.
No, I can't, I've a...
I should go. I think I need some fresh air.
Sure.
Hang on, I'm swapping hands.
So, you had an extra naan and two glasses of wine,
so you owe an extra four pounds.
Drew...
...you had the mango lassi, so that's an extra three pounds.
I swear, the mass graves in Mogadishu weren't as awful as this.
Do you want to bail?
Did you have the chicken jalfrezi?
I want to stay. It's fun.
No, I've said hello to everybody I need to.
It's just gonna get messy and it's no fun being a spectator.
I wouldn't like to be stood behind him at airport security.
That was my joke! He stole it!
He's taking credit for my humour. Should I say something?
Jesus, Josh!
When did you turn into such a prat?
Stay. Dance like a fucking idiot, tell your stupid jokes. I'm going home.
That hoop in his ear, he could hang his house keys on it.
God, you are so sexy.
You're so sexy.
Thanks.
Hey, that's it, honey, slide in, room for one more. Huh?
Hey, Alexandra.
You look really nice.
Different from work.
Do you two want to have a little hello kiss?
- Um, hello. - That's it.
Hi.
Mmm, that's it.
Did you guys like that dinner tonight?
Did you go for the rice or the naan?
I went for the naan.
Yeah? Mmm!
You are so naughty.
Why are you so naughty?
I don't know, Charlie, why is that?
Did your mom smoke during her pregnancy?
Oh, okay.
All right.
That's it. Yeah, I like that.
Threesome. We're going to have a threesome.
We're having a threesome.
Let's go.
- Chloe's climbing aboard. - That's it.
Here we go. Oh, yeah.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
Chloe's on top now.
The cherry on top.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Now she's on the bottom.
Chloe loves being on bottom.
Oh, yes.
Yes, squeeze my breast. That feels amazing.
Não para, Charlie.
Yeah, Charlie,
I can speak another language as well.
Me Ilamo Chloe, Charlie.
Yo tengo un hermano!
- That's it. - Okay.
Okay. Yeah, that's it.
Chloe's in the middle now.
Okay.
Oh, yes. It feels amazing, doesn't it?
Feels so good.
God, you're strong, Alexandra.
Yes.
Down here again.
Oh, yeah, put your fingers in my mouth. I love that.
Especially after Indian. It's amazing.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. No!
All right. Enough!
I am leaving!
You people, you're sick!
I actually forgot my skirt.
I'm sorry.
Okay, thanks. Thanks, everybody.
And FYI, you both still have your underwear on.
Hey, it's Chloe. I really need to speak to you.
- Hey. - Hi, it's me.
I demand you let me in. I've got coffee
and a bag of those little sweets you like
that look like mini fried eggs.
It was humiliating, degrading.
I don't even know how I got myself into that position.
I am not a threesome person.
I don't know what bits to touch when.
Listen, fuck him.
If he doesn't realise how amazing you are,
then he's an idiot.
- He doesn't deserve you. - Yeah, right.
I mean, look at me.
I'm in a rented flat
wearing a SpongeBob SquarePants dressing gown,
eating a mixture of animal fat and sugar
made to look like a fried egg.
I'm 32 years old.
Yeah, and you've spent your whole life doing things
which make everybody else look shallow, trivial and pointless.
I think it's slightly more important to be able to limit
the spread of an epidemic
than know how to conduct yourself in a threesome.
You do?
I mean, for the purposes of this conversation, sure.
Honestly, I just want someone to look after me for a change.
Well, I'll look after you.
You can't.
You've already got someone to look after.
Listen, I'm completely all right.
I promise not to end it all.
I don't even own a razor. I wax.
I think it's pretty hard to wax yourself to death.
You can leave. I'm okay.
No, it's all right.
I'm putting off my Christmas shopping.
I'm trying to figure out what to buy Nat.
What does she like?
I've no idea.
I was thinking casserole dishes, maybe.
I simply cannot let you get your new wife
- casserole dishes for Christmas. - Why?
I mean...
- Let me help you out. - A griddle pan.
- No! - A set of knives.
Enough. I'm gonna go and get changed.
Thanks, Josh.
Ah, it's all right.
Excuse me. Thank you.
- Hey. - Hello.
- You okay? - Mmm-hmm. Can I ask...
why we're meeting in your hotel?
You do know I'm not going up to your room, don't you?
Oh! No, of course not. Purely business.
No sexual tension whatsoever.
No undercurrent of erotic electricity
between two ludicrously attractive single people.
None. Absolutely not.
Good.
It's your time you're paying for.
So, we need to lock down a date for the website.
It's just there are some tiny kittens up in my room
playing adorably with a ball of wool.
- If you're interested. - Cat faeces makes you go blind.
- I'm not going to your room. - Okay. You win.
We'll work and completely ignore the palpable sizzle of sensual possibility
every time our bodies accidentally touch.
I've booked a boardroom down the hall.
Shall we?
Yeah, basically, I'm looking for something for my wife.
You know, pair of pants and a brassiere, perhaps.
Something that's long-lasting and practical.
Goodness, is that man-made fibre?
Or is it, um, natural?
Or is it a mixture of the two? Because that's often the way these days.
Helps with, um, durability and so on.
I mean, that's a lovely bit of kit. Look at that.
That's a formidable gusset. You could not break that.
- Were you looking for a panty? - Christ. Am I...
A panty.
Uh...
He has trouble with the word "panty", I think.
No, I don't. "Panty." I'm looking for a panty, mon chéri.
A portion of your finest panties, milord.
Right. Um, perhaps I should just ask you.
After all, you are standing right here.
Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm not his wife.
- No way. - I'm just helping out,
making sure he doesn't buy his actual wife vouchers.
Well, you can't actually go wrong with vouchers.
Christ, is that really the price?
I could buy half an 18-litre dehumidifier for that.
- Sir. - Yes.
We like to celebrate the erotic here.
Celebrate. "One-nil. Oy-oy! I scored a goal."
- You don't need to be ashamed. - I'm not ashamed of anything.
- Embrace it. - I'll embrace you.
I didn't mean that, I'm really sorry.
It's all right. Why don't you tell me...
- Yeah? ...what turns you on?
Uh... What turns me on?
I don't... What, really?
I, uh, I like it... I like it when she...
dresses up like a policewoman, or estate agent.
We haven't met, and she forces me to do things to her
that I would never normally do.
- Right. - Yeah.
I was thinking more along the lines of lace.
Were you?
- Satin? - Satin.
Fishnets?
Fishnets, the fish of the sea. Fish of the sea. A trawlerman.
I once saw a trawlerman.
You must know the lucky lady.
Any thoughts?
You're as useless at all this sexy stuff as I am, aren't you?
You're happy with a thermal nightie, a Stieg Larsson and a nice milky tea.
I'm just gonna go have a browse. Leave you to it.
Oh, this is nice.
They also have a wonderful restaurant.
I wouldn't think of staying anywhere else when I'm in London.
So, what is our strategy when it comes to online awareness?
So, the idea is to drive the consumer to the site through...
Oysters?
Seriously, Guy.
They must have run out of Highland shortbread.
To drive consumers to the site through a unified multiplatform...
A unified multiplatform approach, accessible with...
Yes, go on. Platforms, that was good.
Well, traditional media should not be ignored, either.
Doves? Really?
I think you're amazing, Nat.
I know it's unprofessional and cliché, but...
I'm married.
What?
I'm married. I have a husband.
How can you? Why didn't you say something?
For all this time, you didn't think to tell me?
I didn't say anything because I thought we'd get the account if...
if I flirted with you.
And then I liked flirting with you too much for any of this to stop.
Well, this wouldn't be happening if you were happy with your husband.
What am I supposed to say?
I can't leave him, he'd be destroyed. Look, I'm really sorry,
but that dove's getting awfully close to the ceiling fan.
Who is this guy? Do you have children?
- How long have you been married? - Look, that's irrelevant. He's...
He's dependable and...
...and he's kind and safe,
and I can't throw that all away for you.
I mean, you're charming and twinkly.
Look, you're a Ferrari and he's a Volvo, and right now...
I just need to be behind the wheel of a Volvo.
I need...
I need reliability
and to be able to get from A to B safe and unhurt.
Oh! God!
Dove down, dove down!
It's okay, I think it's just stunned. Can you...
- Do you want me to stop now? - Yes.
Listen, Nat. I'm not giving up.
From the minute I met you I've thought of nothing else.
Do you think I care if our logo has a drop shadow or is italicised? No.
I'm looking for excuses to see you.
Come on.
And I'm not twinkly.
I don't twinkle with anyone else.
You make me twinkly.
Ugh! God!
That's supposed to be lucky.
Look, as might be evident, I've never done this kind of thing before,
but I would regret it forever if I didn't try everything I could.
Married or not, I need to be with you, Nat.
Mind... Mind, um... Sorry.
I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Perhaps in hindsight you shouldn't have gone with the doves.
Thanks.
- You like those, sir? - Uh, yeah.
Crotchless. Interesting, lovely, yeah. Do you get much of a call for those?
- Shit. - Everything all right in there?
Yeah, I just... I think this hook is caught.
Yeah, I got it. Uh, yeah, I have to admit
I'm not very good with buttons or zips or that sort of thing.
Usually I... Holy fucking shit.
I mean, who needs a dehumidifier, right?
Sure, I get a bit of condensation on my bedroom window sometimes, but it's fine.
- Will you just close the... - Oh, yeah, sorry. Sorry.
- Um... - Look, were they always like that?
'Cause, I mean, they're unbelievable.
I just thought that I would try something unpractical.
Do you think that Nat would like something like this, or...
Nat?
Oh, of course. Yeah, she'd look really nice.
She'd look good.
Um...
Yeah, but I think maybe the...
- I don't know if it's... - What is it?
I don't know if it's caught on the tag.
I don't know what I did.
Your hair's in the way, I'm just gonna...
You know those, um,
strips that they put in pants...
if you want to try them on?
Do you think that's to prevent against gonorrhoea or chlamydia?
That's the one these days, Chlamydia. That's...
Or so I've... so I've read.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did that.
No. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
Excuse me, sir, will you be paying for that?
Christ, I expect so.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I just wanted you to know how I feel about you
- and I don't want to let you slip away. - It's very complicated.
- Chloe, that was really bad. - I know.
I mean, not the kiss or the visuals, that was lovely,
- but I'm married. - I know.
Oh, great, it's goddamn Beyoncé.
What?! Fuck!
- Beyoncé is my husband! - What?
Beyoncé is my husband!
- Beyoncé is Josh. - Him?
Yes.
Nat!
- Hello, darling! - How weird!
- What a treat. - How are you?
- Hi, Chloe. - Hi.
- Guy, right? - Yeah. Josh?
Yeah, that's right. Nice to see you.
Guy, this is Chloe. She's a wonderful, uh...
charity worker.
- Hi. - Hi.
Yeah, we were just doing some Christmas shopping.
We were just having a meeting around the corner.
- Oh, were you? - Yeah.
- Nice. - Yeah.
- Did you have fun last night? - Oh, it was awesome, awesome.
Did you manage to get lucky with the ladies?
No. Actually, the girl I had my eye on blew me off.
I ended up alone in the hotel with a mini sleeve of Pringles
watching Malaysian golf on Eurosport.
That's hilarious.
I find that incredibly difficult to believe.
Well, it's true, it's true.
What, a man as good-looking as you?
Fabulous face, amazing hair, wonderful teeth.
- A real hunk of spunk. - Thank you.
Amazing skin, that's what... Hasn't he got incredible skin?
- You do. - Thank you.
It's inspirational.
Chloe's single. Aren't you?
And she's American.
- And you're... you could... - ... ride the subway
and have a malt at the Five and Dime.
If that takes your fancy.
If you want to.
- Are you okay? - Yeah. Yeah.
Poor Chloe could probably think of nothing worse,
but maybe if we all went out together sometime,
- that could be cool. - Ooh!
You could set that up, couldn't you, Nat? Is that all right?
Yes, yes, absolutely. I will organise it. I'll organise it.
Awesome.
- Great. - Okay.
- Dinner after Christmas. - Dinner.
Yeah, sarsaparilla and hot dogs all round.
- Very nice to meet you. - You, too. You, too.
Things really hit a low point around Christmas.
His family's so weird.
- That's not nice. - They are. Come on.
I caught your mother googling, "Can cat urine be used as fertiliser?"
She's got lots of cat urine. She might as well use it.
Why the fuck has she got lots of cat urine?
Hey! Merry Christmas!
At least my family are friendly.
- Nat! - Hi, Mum. You all right?
You didn't exactly endear yourself with the charades debacle.
Here we go.
- Play. - Television.
Four words. First word.
- Unconscious. - Dead.
- Tapping. Computer. - Hanging. Vera Duck.
- Letters. - Braille.
- Red. - Impotent! Thick!
- Stupid. - Man.
- Effeminate. - Husband?
- Annoying idiot. - Father?
Disappointment. Shame. Regret.
- Profession. - Lazy.
Doctor. "Doctor," thank you.
"Doctor" is not the first thing you think of when you look at him.
- Four words. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde! - Doctor Zhivago.
Quick, quick, quick, you've got a minute!
Go, go, go!
- Second word. - Sounds like... sister.
- Nat. - Fit. Sexy.
- Young girl? - Wife. Uh, woman.
Nat, bat, sat, rat, cat, hat.
Wife. Beautiful. Uh... The splits!
- Cellist! - Cello!
- Hilary and Jackie. - Family. Family.
- What are you... - Barren.
Baron Münchhausen! Sorry, no. Um...
Um...
Vagina.
Pussy. Minge. Twat. Foo-foo.
Clunge. Uh, growler.
Quim.
Quim! Quim! Quim! Quim! Quim!
Dr Quim and his Casebooks!
- Dr Quinn Medicine Woman. - That's it.
- Get away from me. - What?
You all right, Mother?
What else rhymes with "Quinn"?
Sounds like "chin"?
Sounds like "bin".
Yeah, all right, bloody Lionel Blair.
Look, I was tired.
I'd hardly slept, I wasn't thinking straight
because your evil stepdad had put me in that bedroom.
Just to punish me.
I would argue that you got a better night's sleep
than I did at your parents' house.
- Oh, Brian! - Elaine!
Oh, Brian, you know just what I like!
- Tits or face? Tits or face? - Tits.
Wrong answer!
- Oh, Brian! Oh, my God. - Sorry, darling.
Yeah, well, your parents made it perfectly clear
what they thought of me.
- What have you got? - Fantastic!
- Digital photo frame. - Wonderful!
You just put a memory stick in and it makes a slide show.
We've got our camera on us, we'll have to try it out later.
That is fabulous. "ReKapture."
My go? Thank you. Who's this from?
Mum and Dad!
Cracking.
How to be a Successful Writer.
And, um, Stop Wasting Your Life.
- Good idea. - Unbelievable.
- My family hate him... - They hate me.
...his family get under my skin,
and, at a time when we should have felt happy and close,
I couldn't have felt more distant.
Explain again what your book's about.
Well, my hero is a young history professor called Ezra
who, with the help of a young American aid worker,
discovers this man in Borneo who claims to be Muhammad.
So it's a meditation, really, on the veracity and origins of faith.
If he ever gets round to finishing it.
Oi!
Another drink, Josh?
Oh, that'd be lovely, thank you.
Oh, that's gorgeous.
- Ice? - Uh, yes, please.
Mmm.
That's sweet.
Are you sure there's nothing I can do to help?
- No, thank you, I'm fine. - I have to help!
Oh!
Mince pie, Alec?
- No, thank you. - Are you sure?
Why are you standing like that?
Just offering Alec a mince pie.
He doesn't want a mince pie.
- You don't... You don't? - No.
Just stand up.
That's that market we went to in Taroudant.
- Let me see, darling. - Yes.
Um, it was gorgeous, they had the most incredible figs.
I'm sure nobody wants to hear about the figs.
Because it wasn't very... Look at the cat!
Fucking little cocksucker.
Give this back to me.
Give it!
Just sit down.
Goodness me.
- Is it still working? - Yes.
This is the town square. They had snake charmers and performing monkeys.
Oh! That looks so magical.
Me with a monkey.
Darling, you look so sweet.
Oh! Me trying on those slippers. They were very pretty.
They look it.
Us having cocktails.
There was a beautiful bar at the top of the hotel.
We'd go there every evening.
Us having more cocktails.
It was a junior suite.
Uh... Not terribly expensive.
Lovely view of the orchards. In fact, you can... If you just...
You can just see in the background there, the... Phwoar.
That's doggy style.
Nat's favourite. Isn't it, Nat?
Why don't I drive?
You drive like you've got a vagina.
You could do. Or I could glue myself to a deckchair
and you could kick me down a stairwell.
Both about as enjoyable. Both about as likely to happen.
Why do you do it?
Why are you still together? You hate each other.
Of course we do, but that's marriage.
I mean, you embrace the hatred.
And I married a man who wears driving gloves.
Actually helps you get purchase.
Don't say "purchase".
But how do you know that the hate won't outweigh the love?
How do you know there's not someone better out there for you?
Well, Christ, there is. Of course there is.
But marriage is about living with the imperfections, isn't it?
I mean, look at that stupid ginger face.
It's true. I'd miss her.
Look at those beautiful eyes, big warm heart.
You know, she hasn't aged a day since I met her.
And as you get to know each other more, well, you love each other more.
No, don't you try and kiss me.
- Did you forget something? - Yeah.
- We're gonna hit traffic, you know. - Yeah, you will.
Tonight should be interesting.
They could be really right for each other.
Because Chloe's so sweet, and Guy seems all right.
What do you think? What about that?
No?
Yeah.
Chloe's lovely. I don't know how you let her slip away.
What, Chloe? No!
She's too nice. She's too perfect.
A little of Chloe goes a long way.
Yeah, I mean, she can be kind of grating.
Totally. This one? Rugby?
No?
But Guy, I mean, he's quite a catch. He's just your type, really.
No, he's too slick for his own good.
Bit too American.
You're my type. I don't really go for good-looking.
Oh.
Hi. Great to see you. You're looking very sexy.
And, Nat, you look good, too.
Uh, you two pop yourselves down.
I'm gonna nip off to the little boys' room.
See if I can find myself some little boys.
Obviously not. Just gonna go for a quick wee.
Not the other.
Sorry about that.
So, is tonight not a bit weird?
Do you promise not to get insanely jealous?
Honestly.
Chloe is fantastic. You'll love her.
She's the best. The best! She's so kind. Wonderfully kind.
- Mmm. Mmm. - And pretty. She's very pretty.
Definitely, she's so pretty. Hundred percent.
Hey, Chloe, you're here.
Yeah. Look, if this is weird, I can go.
It's just that, you know, you set it up and you didn't seem to mind.
No, I don't mind, it's not weird. Why would I find it weird?
Listen, the bloke's a bit of a twat, but you might like him.
Oh, yeah! I love a twat.
Single girl, looking for a guy.
No non-twats considered.
Oh, shit. Okay, they've seen us.
Let's go do this.
Okay, final game. It's Brits one, Yanks one.
We owe this to our great nation to win this, Chloe.
- Let's do it. - Yes, sir!
Just look at us. We're all getting on like a house on fire.
I've never really understood that phrase.
Exactly why is it good
to get on like a house on fire? I mean, there might be small kids left inside.
- Think of them. - I know!
And the possibility of asphyxiation...
Or at the very least, the loss of any no-claims bonus.
It's just a metaphor.
It means something that's uncontrollable, has momentum.
Exactly. So, tell me this.
What would be the first thing you'd save in a fire? Let me guess.
- Jimmy Choos. - Your wedding ring.
Well, obviously my wedding ring.
But I've got two hands, haven't I?
She does love that ring.
The first thing I noticed about you. Wasn't it?
Sorry, Nat. Excuse me.
Fuck off.
Yeah, that's too bad.
I'd probably rescue that necklace that I got you
when we got engaged in Venice.
That's sweet. It's beautiful.
How about you, Chloe?
I'm guessing something sentimental, emotional?
Um...
- It's your shot, Guy. - Sorry?
- It's your shot, mate. - Sorry.
You wouldn't really head for the shoes, though, would you, Chloe?
Fashion's not really your thing.
Why would it be? I mean, look at her.
She'd make anything look fantastic.
- She'd make a sack look incredible. - Thanks.
Good shot.
Yeah, it's like, what's the opposite of, "You cannot polish a turd"?
She's an already polished turd.
She's a turd buffed to a high sheen.
Thanks.
Unlucky, pal.
Yeah, honestly, if the stuff burnt up,
I think I'd just view it as a chance to start over,
you know, have a new adventure. I'm not too bothered by material possessions.
All right, come down on it a bit.
Come on.
And use your arm to go back and forth with it
so you really get a nice pumping action.
Then go through the ball,
and you want to hit it on the edge there.
Ah, ah, ah! If you put the cue
between your thumb and your first finger,
you'll find it easier to get... That's it.
Now get this moving before you take the shot.
Come down a bit lower on it.
Don't take the... Come on, not that low.
That's it. Now play through the ball, and breathe.
There's no point, is there?
If we're not gonna do it properly, it's like, what's the point?
- There's no point in playing, is there? - Nice try.
Oh, I think it's my shot.
I think Chloe's right.
I mean, nice things is great, but ultimately, so what?
As long as the people you love are safe.
That's it. You got that?
Good shot, Chloe.
Did you see that?
That was... Wow!
I can't believe it. Oh!
- It'll never happen again. - Oh, it will. Be positive.
No. Once in a lifetime.
It's so sweet, what you said about that necklace.
Yeah.
- I should wear it more often. - Okay. What do you think?
- I think you're good on your own. - Oh, you touched the cue ball.
- Oh. - So...
- Really? - I mean, if you want to play proper...
No, it's fine if you want to...
- Okay. - Sorry.
- Happens all the time, don't worry. - I'm sorry.
It's two shots if...
- No, no, it's cool. You... - All right. No, no. No, go ahead.
- I don't want to be a dick about it... - No!
- Too late. - Are you sure?
- Take your two shots. - Fine.
- Well, that was fun. - Yeah.
We should do it again. What do you say, Josh?
Give you Brits a chance for revenge?
Oh, yeah, 'cause... When my elbow's a bit better,
I'll be able to give you a much better game. Probably win.
Yeah, that sounds fun.
Can I walk you to your car?
Oh, you know, I'm just gonna catch a cab,
but you can wait with me if you like.
- Be my pleasure. - Okay.
Actually, Guy, do you mind if I quickly grab you for two minutes?
Just to talk packaging before the meeting.
Is that okay?
- Sure. - Thanks. Sorry.
Well, I could help you get a cab, if you want.
And I'll wait with you.
Okay, yeah.
- I had a blast, partner. - Oh!
We are what make our nation great.
I'd like to check out that Kandinsky thing you were talking about.
That sounds very interesting.
Thank you.
Aw, that's nice. All right?
Okay, I'll see you back at the flat.
All right. All the best.
I presume we need to make a decision
on the LinkWorth tender for the branding.
What are your thoughts?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I thought you said that this...
Oh, Christ, even your underwear's amazing.
It's a little fiddly.
Just rip it off. Just rip it!
There it is!
That Guy's so dull. He's so bland.
You don't like him, do you?
Taxi!
No?
What's going on, Josh? What are we even doing?
What do you mean? Taxi!
Your light's on! Put your light...
His light was on. Why would...
You realise I love you, don't you?
I'm in love with a man who just got married
and we're both pretending that it's fine.
Tonight was so fucked-up!
Taxi!
No, no. Uh, excuse me, excuse me. No.
No, no, no, you don't do that.
That's not how decent people behave, is it?
How is society supposed to function
with people like you dragging us into a cesspit?
Mmm? We're not animals!
- Sorry, we just didn't see you. - Didn't realise it was your taxi.
- Please, take it. - Take it, you can have it.
So sorry. I'm sorry.
What am I supposed to do?
I can't just walk out of a marriage after nine months.
Why not?
Pride? Afraid of what people will say?
Figure out what you actually want to fight for, Josh.
When I went to Africa,
I convinced myself that we were too young
and somebody better would come along,
but they never did and they still haven't.
And now, every time I see you, I think,
why didn't you stop me?
Why didn't you fight?
This has to stop.
I can't see you any more.
You're married.
I can't see you any more.
- Dinner and a show, was it? - As it happens.
Yeah? Nice.
Sorry.
We need to talk.
We do, yeah.
I don't know what's happening here,
but it's been nine months
and neither of us is happy
and I don't know how to change things.
I just never imagined that marriage would be this difficult, you know?
I don't want to be Hugh and Naomi.
I don't want to constantly row over whether the bin's full or not.
I don't see what's wrong with compacting the rubbish to make more space...
- I'm not rowing about the bin again. - Neither am I.
Look, if you want to walk away, I understand.
Well, is that what you want?
That's not what I'm saying.
Because it sounds like you don't want to make it work.
Stop putting words into my mouth.
You're the one who said marriage was difficult.
Yeah, but I didn't say anything about walking away.
So, if you want to give up...
I'm not the one giving up.
Well, nor am I.
Well,
good.
That's good.
So what do we do?
So, that's why we've come here today.
We've hit our low point,
but we're committed to making our marriage succeed.
You should just cut your losses now
before your life becomes a series of squabbles
about who's meant to pick the kids up,
who put the King's Speech DVD back in the Sound of Music DVD case.
I suppose, if you really want to make it work,
you could try focusing on making it to a year.
Commit to a life with each other for the next three months.
What is it?
Is it a film?
- How many words? - Novel?
Well, you must know how many words there are.
Sounds like?
I understand you're looking to sell.
I'm from Foxtons.
Boom, boom.
So, this time last year, you'd been Mrs Moss for...
Sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty...
...an hour and eight minutes.
We made it.
One year.
We should be proud of ourselves.
Ta-da.
I thought I'd bring out the big guns for a special occasion.
- Could you help do me up? - Yeah.
I think two of these hooks are broken.
- Oh. Really? - Yeah, I think so.
- God. Um, let me fix it. - All right.
Hon, I've just remembered I've got to do something. Um...
I'll see you at the restaurant. Tell Hugh and Naomi, okay?
Sure. I'll see you there.
You know, you haven't even told me where we're going yet.
I wanted to surprise you.
Surprise!
What's going on?
I wanted to organise a little party for you.
A year is a big achievement.
Where is your stupid husband?
Did you remember your passport?
Here.
Is this human trafficking?
You're not gonna keep it and sell me to a gang of Albanians
who'll make me pleasure 25 truck drivers a day
at some port in Belgium for me to earn it back, are you?
No, no. Absolutely not.
It's a terrible situation, though.
Those women...
I can't help but think they all just started life as someone's little baby.
He's still not picking up.
He's never usually late.
God, can we start without him? I'm starving.
We've been here forever.
I can't believe he's late for our first-anniversary dinner.
I can't believe you even made it...
...to your first-anniversary dinner.
- What? - Hmm?
Mmm?
Well, one year is pretty remarkable,
given that you two are completely ill-suited for one another, isn't it?
I mean, no one thought you were gonna make it a month,
much less a year.
Really?
I didn't actually think you'd make it past the honeymoon, honestly.
I thought you'd fuck a Moroccan.
- Whoa. - I really did.
And I wouldn't have blamed you
because they're very beguiling, the Moroccans.
If you sort of like the swarthy gentleman.
- Thanks. And no, I don't. - That's not your thing?
- No. - Ooh. A bit racist?
I bet you'd do it. You'd do it with a foreign fellow, wouldn't you?
What about the Chinese fellows?
Because they've not got a great reputation as lovers.
But they must be doing something right, because there's billions of them.
You've got your Germans. Ach! Very efficient.
Like a machine, just... In and out.
"I vill annex your vagina!
"And then Poland!" No, forgive and forget.
But d'you know what? I don't know about you,
I've never met someone who's had sex with an Eskimo.
Be good, wouldn't it? Because they'd start with the noses
and then they'd, ooh, get down, you know, with the...
Do you think they do that down there? Not using the... Just... On the nose.
I bet you've had a few of them, yeah. And him.
No, good luck to you.
- Thanks. - But, I mean, you did it. One year!
- Yay! - Yay!
Don't you clap.
Go on, give that twat of a husband another call.
Don't use your phone, use mine.
Because sometimes he avoids you if he sees your name come up on the caller ID.
Oh, God. Happy anniversary!
Naomi arranged it.
Happy one year.
I need to tell you something, Nat.
I just think you're the most incredible woman.
- Aw! - How about that?
So beautiful.
And smart and bright and funny.
You're perfect.
- You're the perfect wife. - Aw, sweet.
But just not for me.
I've waited my whole life for the right girl to show up.
And it turns out that you weren't it.
I don't find the way that you crinkle your nose when you laugh adorable,
the way you flick your hair,
- it's quite frankly irritating. - Hear, hear.
I wanted to cherish everything about you,
but it just didn't happen.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is...
Natasha Moss...
will you divorce me?
Yes.
Yes. Yes! I will!
- I absolutely will! - That's so amazing!
- Do you really mean it? - Absolutely!
I've been waiting for this moment for months, hoping it would happen.
I can't believe that you asked me.
Why didn't you just say something, then?
I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I thought it would break your heart.
You've made me the happiest woman in the world.
I love you.
But you're not in love with me.
No! God, no.
Unequivocally not in love with you.
The opposite. The opposite of love. Misery.
Me, too!
I can't believe we felt the same for so long.
Well, listen, now we have the rest of our lives
not to be together.
Cheers?
Look, this is amazing, it's magical.
It's better than I could ever have imagined,
but there's somewhere else that I really need to be right now.
Oh, go! Seriously, go. Do you need money for a cab?
No, I'm all right, I'm in the car,
but it was a nightmare trying to park, so I'm basically in a...
Oh, God, stop it. Stop it. It's so boring.
- It's just, the car's in your name... - It's so boring.
- We should sort that out, actually. - It's so boring. I don't care.
- All right, but... - Honestly. Just go.
I will never have to see you again.
Ever.
Taxi!
Ta-da!
Oh, wow!
I've always wanted to go to Aachen.
No, uh, we're going to Paris.
Paris.
Ah! Okay. Joke!
- Yeah. - Yeah!
- I'm thinking two kids. - Oh!
- Guy Junior and Gaia. - Wait! Wait, stop!
- Stand back. - Oh, my God.
I can't be without you, Chloe.
I think about you every second of the day.
I need to be with you.
And I know you want to be with me as well.
What the hell are you doing?
You can't just turn up and try and steal my girlfriend away.
You're married. You're a married man.
You should get out of here, creep.
I split up with Nat.
- You split up with Nat? - You split up with Nat?
Ever since you came back into my life, I've known that I had to be with you.
When I lie in bed, I think about the way that you laugh.
I can't work because I can't stop imagining our lives together.
You're everything that I've ever wanted in a...
- Nat?! - Josh? What...
What? What?
Okay, sorry.
Nat, we spoke about this, didn't we?
- It's not gonna work out. - No, I, uh...
- Actually, I'm... - I'm not gonna change my mind.
- I don't care what you say. - I'm, uh...
- I'm not here to see you. - What are you doing?
I'm actually not here to see you.
What do you mean, you're not actually here to see me?
Him!
- Really? - And you...
- Her, yeah. - Her, of course.
You're perfect for each other.
And I always thought he was much more the kind of guy that you should go for.
Do you remember when I said to you when I was trying to...
Oh, I do remember that! I remember when you said that,
and at the time, I agreed.
And I thought in my mind,
"I think he's right, I should be with him."
That's what I wanted.
Ah! And here we are.
Here we are.
And where were you? Had you been explaining
- the bit about us... - Us breaking up, yeah.
I was just explaining to Chloe why I was in love with her.
Okay, is it just me, or is this unbelievably awkward?
Look at that.
She's got that dry sense of humour that you like.
I mean, I just don't have that.
And this guy, forget about it. Unbelievable.
Proper grade-A hunk.
I could just drink you in.
Thanks.
But this lady here, she's incredible.
And you make her eyes light up in a way that I never could.
Would you mind...
No, no, uh... please.
Would it be all right if I...
Of course.
Thank you.
- Thank you. - Oh!
- That's nice. - Sorry.
No, not you, we don't want to do that.
Never again. Come around this side.
Hi.
- This is a bit weird. - This is weird, isn't it?
- Yeah. - We'll go.
- Let's go over here. - No, we'll go.
- Who had the chicken feet? - I did.
You had the chicken feet.
- We didn't have a starter. - No, no.
And we didn't have the champagne.
We spent £45,000 on a wedding to your prick son!
You can chip in for a bit of fucking dim sum!
All right, pause, pause, pause.
I'll tell you what we'll do.
We'll make a list of pros and cons, right, of Nat.
Pros. Number one, body.
Excellent. I've seen it nude, loved it.
I beg your pardon? When have you seen it nude?
Well, when we were down in that place in Cornwall,
I sort of walked in when she was getting changed.
- What do you mean, you walked in... - "Accidentally."
- What's that? What's that? - Hey, listen, I'll tell you,
you lock your door or these peepers will come a-roving.
All right, mate? That's the way I roll.
You know that, she should know that.
What about that she's, um...
- Kind... - Boring.
...and warm.
Warm? Put the radiator on if you want warm.
And, um, good with kids.
So was Michael Jackson. Look at that marriage. It didn't last.
Yeah, but I love her.
- Love. - Well, I do.
Yeah, sounds a bit gay.
We can get back out there like the lads.
Like the old days, you know? The Terrible Two.
Do you know what I mean?
"Lock up your daughters. And your mothers."
I'm not fussy.
Every time I open my mouth when I'm around her, she's like,
"No, don't say that. You can't say that.
"You can't do that.
"Put your trousers on! Put your trousers on! We're in a restaurant!"
- Oh, shut up. - Well, she's...