Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,
it's "The Eric Andre Show"!
[ Screaming ]
[ Jazz music plays ]
[ Screaming continues ]
[ Audience gasps ]
[ Screaming continues ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Screaming continues ]
♪ Whoa ♪
[ Rock music plays ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Screams ]
[ Jazz music plays ] [ Screaming ]
[ Whip cracking ]
♪♪
[ Panting ]
Okay. [ Clears throat ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thought I'd try something a little bit different today,
actually.
Man: What the [bleep] is this shit?
Get the [bleep] off the stage, man!
Ah! What the [bleep], man?
I told you about that shit, man.
Bring it on! [ Grunts ]
[ Audience gasping, booing ]
I'm sorry, but the guy [bleep] came at me, okay?
Right? What do you think, folks?
[ Booing continues ]
[Bleep]! What the [bleep]? [ Speaking indistinctly ]
[ Booing continues ]
Oh, God.
Can you help me real quick?
When the train comes, right when the doors open,
sail him down the stairs so he goes onto the train.
The doors will close, and then he's off to whatever.
It doesn't matter to me.
If you want to spray-paint the security cameras,
you can hit them with the spray paint and --
Shh. -He took my clothes...
Andre: If anything goes wrong, I got this.
It's like the Torah part two, but now it's for kids.
[ Kids singing Hebrew ]
We're gonna sail him down on the train,
and then he's de Blasio's problem.
You know what I mean? He took my clothes.
He's a prisoner that I was transporting,
and he tricked me, and he took my clothes.
Shut the [bleep] up. [ Whimpers ]
Why you take his [bleep] clothes?! I didn't.
Look, I have the Bible.
I don't give a [bleep] about no [bleep] Bible.
If anything goes wrong,
God's on our side.
[ Kids singing Hebrew ]
The police is coming, so you're gonna get in trouble.
No, I'm not.
[ Kids singing Hebrew ]
Bye-bye! -[ Wilhelm scream ]
Y'all listen to conscious hip hop? What's that?
You listen to conscious hip hop? Uh...
Announcer: "Woke Rhymes" available now.
♪ Oooh ♪
♪ You ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, she's now on "Riverdale,"
she dated Mike Tyson, and she [bleep] Howard Stern,
Robin Givens. Come on!
Yeah! Stunning.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Whoo!
I like your suit. Thank you very much.
I love it! I'm sexy.
You are I am very...
-It's great. -I'm a sex symbol.
Can I get rid of these Mike Tyson questions?
Oh, that would be nice.
[ Paper shredder whirring ]
Uh, there's a lot of them. Sorry.
[ Whirring continues ]
-How is it doing that?
-I got a desk shredder. -Oh.
You are so sexy.
You are so beautiful.
You are gorgeous.
Oh, my gosh, so pretty.
[ Bell rings ]
-[ Screams ] -[ Screams ]
-[ Groaning ] -Hey, man.
Oh, my God.
[ Screams ]
[ Chuckles ] I mean, that was fantastic.
That was great, and he has a very good body.
That guy has a really nice body. That's your type of guy.
Oh. Ooh, gosh.
How does Robin Givens get it all done?
Is there a Batman Givens?
[ Laughing ]
I wish.
[ Robot whirring ]
I'm using Raid as cologne.
[ Coughing ]
I'm sure it's dangerous. [ Children laughing ]
I feel like there's, like, little kids somewhere.
[ Laughing continues ]
What is that? [ Blows ]
This desk is sticky. Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry. It's alright.
Hey, um...
[ Zipper unzips ] Oh. I-I...
[ Cheering ]
Let me Xerox my ass. [ Copier whirring ]
I used to do the same thing. Really?
I've done -- I have done that.
Who hasn't? [ Chuckling ]
Yeah. Like, se-- Oh, wow.
[ Applause ]
My. Oh. This is Joe.
Do you want some popcorn?
How did you do -- How long did that take?
[ Screaming ]
[ Chuckling ] Oh, God.
[ Stammering ] What were those? What was that?
What were they? It was, like, bugs.
Yeah, I know they were bugs.
You're not a fan of bugs?
[ Stuttering ] I'm sure they're very necessary.
They just make me a little --
[ Screams ] Oh, God.
Oh. It's time for the Ultimate Challenge! Okay.
[ Singsong voice ] It's time for the Ultimate Challenge!
You're not gonna open that box, right?
You got to do it or I'm putting the cellphone in the blender.
-Wait. Do what? He's gonna -- -Oh, my gosh.
You're watching Bone TV.
Time to show America how you bone!
Announcer: There's no place like Bone.
It's time for Bone TV.
Okay. Show us how you bone.
I'd rather not, in all honesty. 69, dude!
[ Crowd chanting ] If I was 69ing right now, I'd be gushing milk.
[ Indistinct chanting ]
You're watching Bone TV, baby!
Booyah!
Oh, shit!
Dude, last time I [bleep] my wife,
I was gushing milk, dude. Oh, shit.
[ Boings ] You're watching Bone TV.
Show us how you [bleep].
Demonstrate on this corpse. Oh, God.
Whoo! Bam!
Oh, damn, I'm falling.
[ Xylephone plays ]
How the [bleep] do you bone down, dude?
You want to put a little meat on these bones?
[ Laughs ]
We went on a date. Her prefacing the whole date
was, "Just remember, I squirt."
With a couple fingers and tongue,
I started playing with her. [Whip crack]
Hmm.
Starts shooting out the back end onto my TV.
I'm the squirt king, and you're watching...
[ Laughs ]
You've seen her in absolutely everything,
the lovely and talented actress...
Cleopatra Woman.
♪♪
Felipe Esparza, everybody!
What's up, dude? You're like --
Nice to meet you.
♪♪
Felipe: Belipe!
Andre: Whoa!
[ Cheers and applause ]
He just come up with that shit, man.
Whoo! Belipe, Belipe.
You hungry? You want some Postmates?
Oh!
How are you? What are you working on?
I want to eat that.
I demand some queer attention, honey.
♪♪
[ Low voice ] Wow.
♪♪
♪ We lock it, rock it to the stars ♪
♪ Down to the core ♪
♪ We lock it, rock it to the stars ♪
♪ Down to the core ♪
♪♪
[ Screaming ]
The [bleep] going on? What happened?
Where? Who? -Right there!
-This guy in the yellow bike?
In the bus terminal behind you.
Right here?
I got to write you up? Over there.
You're saying this woman did it?
No, wait, wait. Come here. Come here. Come here.
You okay? Did you do it?
This guy right here with the headphones?
Over there!
Andre: You said a yellow bag?
Sir, I got to write you up.
That's illegal. You can't throw trash on a cop.
I didn't throw nothing! That wasn't him!
I'll see you in Hell.
Right there with the yellow shirt!
This guy with the yellow belt?
Sir, sir, you can't do that to a police officer.
That guy, he's leaving over there.
-You did it. -Not me.
-You did it! -Me?
-You did it! -You see me?
-Yes. -No!
I got him. Sir -- -Not me!
I got to write you up.
My ego's out of control. Not me!
That's not -- I came from here.
That's you. What are you saying?
I got him.
[ Rock music plays ]
♪♪
Ladies and gentlemen, your own
from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,"
please welcome Jai Rodriguez!
[ Cheering ]
♪♪
[ Laughs ]
Well, chop of the morning to you.
[ Laughs ]
-Ohh! -Ohh!
What the hell is that? [ Laughing ] It's a desk dog!
[ Laughing ] Oh, my God. This is fancy.
Now, Ted Allen recently tweeted --
[ Screams ] Oh!
[ Groaning ]
You were in "Rent." Yep.
Can you sing that song?
♪ Rent, rent, rent ♪
♪ Rent is cool ♪
♪ Rent, rent, rent ♪
♪ Rent me a place to stay ♪
[ Both laughing ]
[ Screaming ]
Announcer: Don't touch that dial unless that's what you call your bone.
It's time for Bone TV. Oh, shit!
First I work the nips, then the coot,
then it's all [bleep] over, dude.
Dude, it's all [bleep] over, dude!
Yo, dude, show us how you bone!
Let me see how you do it, bro.
[ Indistinct chatter ]
I had sex with one of these girls.
It was crazy. Show us how she sucked your bone, dude.
Show us she -- I'm about to [bleep] this little nigga up.
Announcer: Uh-oh, boneverload.
Show me your bone face.
Oh, yeah.
-[ Groaning ] -[ Groaning ]
Do you know what happened to Shelly Miscavige?
-No clue. -Good question.
The Bone TV's Emmy-winning investigative series
to the dark art of Scientology can be yours for only 15 bones.
She was in Clearwater, Florida, and then she was at Hemet,
and then... That's...Ah. Ahh...
Announcer: Shelly?
[ Both shouting ] Bone!
-Ladies and gentlemen, Toro y toro
y toro y toro y moi!
[ Cheering ]
♪ One day I'll pick up my friend ♪
♪ He was driving his truck ♪
Pickup truck!
Yeah!
Bad boy.
[ Audience shouting ]
-[ Playing recorder ] -Ah!
Absolutely.
-I'm sorry. -It's alright.