[ screaming, grunts ]
[ up-tempo jazz plays ]
[ clattering ]
[ screaming ]
♪♪
[ lasers zapping ]
[ farts ]
[ both screaming ]
Aah! Aah!
Hey, john.
Oh. Hey, eric. What's up, man?
[ groans, screams ]
[ liquid bubbling ]
[ music continues ] [ muffled ] whoa.
Hi, little fishy. Hey there.
[ smack ] aah! Ow! Aah!
Aah! Stop!
[ music ends ] [ breathing heavily ]
[ up-tempo rock music plays ] [ engine revving ]
What's up, man?
What's up, fool?
[ mid-tempo music plays ] all right!
Hey. So mike pence is in the news.
You hear about this?
Apparently, he's married to a girl.
[ laughter ] yeah.
Uh, maybe he should change his name to dyke pence.
You kiss a girl -- automatic lesbo, dude.
See you at the leather bar, hypocrite.
[ applause ]
[ laughs ] who's mike pence?
[ laughing ] I don't know.
♪♪
I'm having a weekend at bernie's.
[ mid-tempo music plays ]
Dude, what's up? This is my dead boss.
I got to get him back to the dean's office
Before I get expelled, dude.
His company's goin' pubic.
[ clattering ]
You guys want to hang a dominican cd
From your rearview mirror?
Oh, my god! [ farting ]
[ shouting indistinctly ]
This is my homeboy right dude here.
I'm having a weekend at bernie's 2.
[ mid-tempo music plays ]
Oh, no!
We got to get this corpse back to benihana's for happy hour!
Oh! Oh!
[ up-tempo rock music plays ]
[ echoing ] ranch it up!
[ mid-tempo jazz playing ]
[ music ends ]
Ladies and gentlemen, here from the "shahs of sunset,"
La-- uh, mercedes javid. [ up-tempo music plays ]
Did I say it right? Hi!
You sure did.
You look beautiful.
♪♪
As-salamu alaykum.
Wwjd?
You look really good.
[ speaking spanish ] no.
I want -- I want to flip you around like a persian crepe...
[ laughing ] oh, my god.
...Fly you across the atlantic ocean,
All the way to tehran, hit the ayatollah in the face.
He cuts out the eyeholes.
Then he has a Halloween costume
And something to talk about at parties.
How do you know so much about the middle east?
That's my vacation spot.
Who's your favorite middle eastern man?
Dwayne "the rock" johnson. Man: Yeah!
[ applause ] he's not middle eastern.
Oh, really? [ mouse squeaking ]
Oh, my god.
You're sweating your makeup down your face.
You look insane. I don't need the makeup.
You look like rupaul when he slept outside.
Rupaul?
You're comparing me to a man right now.
[ sultry music plays ]
[ audience cheering ]
Felipe: What up, b?
Hey. What's up, felipe?
[ music ends ]
[ cheers and applause ]
Now, you committed felony bank fraud in 1994.
Yes. If you could go back in time,
How would you commit bank fraud differently?
[ coughs, laughs ]
Sometimes I have sex -- [ growls ]
[ coughs ]
No. But what happened?
Did you get arrested?
No, not really. It was the fbi.
Did you go to jail?
Enh.
For how long? Like, seriously, like, barely.
[ rumbling ] oh, shit.
[ clattering, electricity crackling ]
[ farts ]
[ liquid bubbling ]
[ applause, laughter ]
[ thunder crashes ]
If you want tarot cards, everything is 10% off.
[ bell chimes ] how you doing?
We're doing a special. Free psychic readings.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, okay. [ laughter ]
Have you ever gotten a, uh, psychic reading before?
I have never, so this is definitely...
Okay. Okay. Cool. ...An interesting thing.
Well, I'm just a vessel. The tarot will be our guide.
Hmm. [ laughter ]
All right.
Wow. Okay.
[ thud, glass shatters ] wow.
I'm hearing a voice. That's for real. Okay.
Somebody's here. Okay. He's here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a sign.
I accept it. This is -- okay. That's a sign.
He's got advice for you. He's saying, "don't..."
Oh, gosh. I can't hear.
"don't you"... [ dramatic music plays ]
Whoa.
What?
That's never happened to me once.
Are you serious? I swear to god.
That's never happened to me once. Oh, my god. I've --
Aah! I'm the real psychic! [ farting ]
That guy's holding me hostage!
Why y'all playin' with me like this?
Announcer: "why y'all playin' me like this?!?"
Only on cbs.
I ain't got time for this tv-ass shit, bro.
[ up-tempo rock music playing ] [ screaming ]
[ electricity crackling ]
[ sighs, spits ]
And we are back with mercedes javid.
[ light applause ] yeah.
Mercedes, you want some brett kavanaugh ale?
Blannibal: [ growls ] no, thank you.
It's like an abortion in your mouth.
[ laughter ]
[ laughing ] or in the court.
[ chuckles ]
Roe v. Wave. You know what I mean?
You want some roe?
It's like a fish abortion in your mouth.
It's a little insensitive to... [ laughter ]
Ahh. [ groans ]
[ gulps ] god, that tastes good.
It's disgusting.
I wish I was lance reddick. Man: Yeah!
I wish I was lance reddick! [ cheers and applause ]
I wish I was lance mother[bleep] reddick!
Thanks, levar. Thanks, levar.
That's levar burton. For real?
That's him, baby.
And that completes the deal.
Oh, hey. What's going on, man?
That's a$ap ferg. Hi. Whoa. Shit.
All right. All right. Uh-oh.
Get the [bleep] out of here. Okay.
Ow! What the [bleep]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it's the...
A$ap ferg. ...Show!"
[ cheers and applause ]
[ mid-tempo hip-hop plays ]
[ cheers and applause ]
How would you best describe yourself --
A -- a, extended energy, enjoy groups,
Or be conserv-- conservative to your energy,
A more outgoing...
Hold on.
Um, I dare you to rub his -- his belly.
Mnh-mnh. [ laughter, applause ]
[ laughs ]
[ up-tempo rock music plays ]
Yo.
Mm-hmm.
Bro, where did you just come from?
I went to the movies.
[ applause ]
Do you normally have no hair on your body?
You listen to his music?
N-- um, who?
You can tell the truth.
Tell the truth. About... If you know me or not.
I mean, what's your name?
[ cheers and applause ] oh, my god.
Oh, my god. Okay.
I like where this is goin'.
Felipe: Yeah.
You ever been to duane reade? Mercedes: I like you.
I like you a lot. Of course.
That's a real new yorker right there. Hell yeah.
He's like...
[ new york accent ] "oh, de blasio canceled the l train."
Oh! [ cheers and applause ]
...The dice man!
Get a stromboli and go see the spaghetti sauce.
Oh!
[ laughter ]
[ coughs ]
♪♪
[ klezmer music plays ]
It's my last day being hasidic.
I'm eating bacon now. Who cares?
It's my last day as a hasid. I can do whatever I want.
I'm going to a christmas party, and I hope harmony korine
Puts me in one of his outrageous movies.
[ up-tempo dance music plays ]
I've been shooting up the mumps vaccine all day.
What the [bleep]
[ grunts ] it gets you real stoned.
Woman: Come on, man.
It's the mumps vaccine.
[ music continues ]
Ladies and gentlemen, disney child star brenda song.
[ up-tempo rock music plays ]
[ cheers and applause ]
What's going on? Nothing too much.
How are you?
I'm good. Brenda song.
Yes.
I wish they called you splenda long,
Because I'm having a splendid time
Hanging out with you so long.
[ applause ]
I just came up with that.
I like it. I like it.
[ toilet flushing ] what did I miss?
Eric: [ laughs ] [ applause ] hi.
What's up, y'all? I'm here with my girl brenda song.
We're doing our thing. Yeah! [ shutter clicking ]
Brought to you by h2o, baby, the coolest drink on the planet!
Whoo! [bleep] h2o!
What about h2o2, the sequel to water?!
Part 2.
[ exhales sharply ]
If you thought the original was great,
Wait till you get the molecular sequel!
[ exhales deeply, gulps ]
[bleep] you, mountain deux!
[ gunshots, audience cheering ]
[ gun clicks ]
We're drinking h2o2! I'm the king of the world!
God -- god is second to me!
You understand?
Okay. Brenda. Yes.
Now, you tweeted recently, "666. I wish 9/11 happened again."
Why are you trying to be all things to all people?
[ light applause ]
I... You know...
You ever been to seattle? No!
[ rock music plays ] ♪ even flow ♪
♪ float around like fish in seattle ♪
Oh, no! No! No!
The only thing worse than a human murder is a fish murder.
It is! You know what I mean?
I'm st-- I just started -- like, we have a fish tank --
I'm either killing or [bleep] this thing.
You know what I mean? Oh, god.
[ sighs ] god.
[ screams ] careful.
♪♪
You remember me from the last time, right?
[ voice distorted, groaning ]
You're watching "hostage tv" in beverly hills.
I'm being exploited. It's true.
I can't get away from these [bleep] people.
Clam apples. It's the latest invention.
It's half clam and half apple.
Protein with the clam. Okay. Yes.
Vitamin c with the apple.
[ apple crunches, woman laughs ]
Brother. Brother. Sign my sars blanket.
I'm being exploited by these people. Oh, no, no, no. No, you're not.
Bob hope's ghost?!
What are you doing there?! Get off me! Come on! Stop it!
Let me walk away. Please.
Ladies and gentlemen, grimes and punishment.
[ singing in non-english language ]
[ mid-tempo music plays, tempo increases ]
[ electricity crackling ] aah!
♪♪
Aah! Aah! Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Aah!
[ laughs ]
Aah! [ electricity crackling ]
Ow! Ow! [ screams ]
♪♪
Time for cheeseboarding.
[ gunshot, electricity crackles ]
[ music continues, grimes screams ]
Eric: You ever been to duane reade? Man: Oh!