♪ quirky dramatic music playing ♪
Did they fuck?
[grunts]
Disappointing.
What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I doing?
What the fuck am I doing, what the fuck am I doing,
what the fuck am I doing?
What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I doing...
I'm assuming the question's rhetorical, but if not,
you're pacing and muttering insanely.
What the fuck am I doing today?
Today, you will give a voice to the voiceless.
One should never listen to one's subjects. Who knows what they'll say?
I'm interested in what they have to say.
You're not. It's a trick you've played upon yourself
after that American with his rat coat and his rat cock
and his rat cunning whispered "We the people" in your pussy.
These are my fucking beliefs, and I will bring the people with me,
and to do that, I must listen to them, hear them, respect them--
Catherine. Lie to them, to yourself, but not to me.
The only time a leader should listen to his subjects
is when they're screaming whilst being tortured,
chanting your name in adulation,
or whispering your name gratefully as you eat their pussy.
- You're very helpful. - Hmm. As always.
- Sarcasm. - I didn't read it so.
Abandon the conference.
I have peasants, merchants, nobles,
representing every region of Russia gathered together.
I cannot abandon...
just because it might be a miserable failure that destroys me.
You're the empress.
You say, "I changed my mind.
Instead, we're all going beaver hunting."
You're the worst leader imaginable.
Spoken like someone who's never seen the joy and camaraderie
engendered by beaver hunting.
[Catherine scoffs] Hmm?
It will be fine.
Oh, I'm glad I didn't kill you.
- A sentiment I share. - God, I'm actually fucking excited.
It's the greatest day of my reign.
You're mad.
Which we have now established is good.
The Nakaz: Ideas and Thoughts for the Conference
of a New Legal Code and Approach
to the Administration of a New Russia.
- Well, that's a catchy title. - I think so too.
- Sarcasm. - Oh. I didn't read it so.
What is it?
A list of some things I wished to do during my reign.
You can add them to your goals.
Ah!
"A monkey for every village."
"Rename raspberries Peterberries."
"All animals should be carpaccio'd
and the best tasting made the national dish."
Visionary.
Why are you two never making a baby when I walk in unannounced?
It's really grinding my nerves.
- Ready for our greatest day? - Oh!
- Gosh. - Are you all right?
Back in Peter the Great's old apartments.
- It is, uh... - Yes, our new home.
We're to have drinks tonight to celebrate.
Oh, I get this rush of memory.
Being taken against that wall.
Oh, on all fours on this rug.
Oh fuck. ELIZABETH: Oh!
Oh, you replaced the bed.
Good idea after what we did to the old one.
- We really don't need to do-- - Oh, and right here.
Being held aloft on his face,
as he drove his tongue...
[sighing]
- Are you... - Cumming?
[gasping] Hyper...
ventilating!
Ohh!
♪ stately theme song playing ♪
Looks better.
Maggots. A wonderful fusion of nature as science.
Also tasty on toast when paired with foie gras.
My right arm is paralyzed
since I started drinking this solution you gave me.
Oh, shit.
[bottles rattle]
I've got to start labeling these.
It's the wrong one, sorry.
- It'll pass. - When?
Well, the human body is a mystery, so I can't give you a when.
Yet you can give me something to paralyze me.
Well, medicine is art, not science.
Yet you keep calling it science.
What the fuck is she playing at?
There's peasants here. Fuckin' peasants.
You don't think it exciting?
Gathering representatives from all classes, all regions.
Something giddying about it.
No, I don't. I think it's fucking madness.
Because change is never good for the nobles.
Never.
[indistinct chatter]
Jesus Christ.
Fucking Simitz!
He's in the courtyard!
What...?
[groans]
[departing footsteps]
Uh...
The equality of the citizen consists in that they should all be subject
to the same laws.
Hmm. Peasants!
Ah, welcome to the future.
I hope you have enjoyed the readings from the Nakaz.
I am so excited to have you here,
gathered from all over to bring the peasants' experience
to make this new Russia.
So, let your voice be heard for the first time
and give full throttle to it!
A great day beckons.
See you in there.
- Who was that? - Don't know.
They're going to kill us, aren't they?
Not if we do as we're told.
They might do it just for fun.
At least we got to see the palace.
A big day, Empress.
Indeed, Archie.
Shall I speak to the peasants, tell them God's on your side?
I have done it, and counseled them to give free and full voice
to their thoughts and desires.
I wish to hear them pure.
Interesting strategy.
Might I suggest, speaking of strategy,
today the "when" is more important than the "what"?
- Understood. - Something easy.
When this is done in a few months, they will return to their regions
feeling that they have a stake in this new Russia,
that they have had a hand in it.
And then change.
[branches thwack] [groaning]
Hey, you have three nipples.
Royal blood, thins at the top.
I have six toes.
Fantastic!
[clears throat]
Your wife's making history today.
Hmm. Mad.
Fucking mad. I'm so glad you can see that.
Of course, listening to the people? Madness.
- It is. - It's what you did, right?
- [thwacks] - Yep.
My legacy, fuck me...
is "the man who lost Sweden."
Yours is "the man who lost Russia to the woman who lost Russia."
It's just an opinion, don't flare your eyes like you're going to stab me.
What else did you do? Our reign was short.
No beards. But she turned that around.
[thwacks]
And I was building a giant church bell, the biggest in Europe.
But we... we didn't...
finish it, and, uh...
[steaming water pours]
Maybe we did so little, we won't even be the tragic footnote we look like.
Hugo, shut up about that, I don't care. I have other interests.
[thwacks] My wife, my child.
Why these horses won't fuck.
Grigor, where the fuck have you been? I had branches and sent a message.
- I was-- - Hugo stepped into the breach.
- To the reliability of kings. - Hmm.
- They fucked yet? - They have not.
And it's very dispiriting.
I'm to create a European superhorse, my own breed.
It's weird being back in Peter the Great's apartments.
It seemed the best space,
and it's customary for the emperor to live in.
I just didn't want to when I was emperor,
but Catherine and I need our own space.
Hard not to feel him here,
booming voice shaking everyone with laughter and fear.
Us cowering in the corner.
Grigor, step back.
Take it from me, we kings don't like to talk of our fathers.
It hurts our stomachs and makes our eyes itch.
So true.
Look at this fucking horse, he's not even fucking hard.
We have soft music and candlelight.
I thought they'd like the privacy of indoors,
but no luck.
♪ violin playing softly ♪
One of you should get him hard.
How would we do that?
A firm hand and a friendly eye.
I would love to, but I have small hands that cramp up with motion, so...
Oh, well, Grigor, you're the man for the job.
Fluff the horse?
Grigor, Grigor, Grigor, Grigor!
BOTH: Grigor, Grigor, Grigor, Grigor, Grigor, Grigor, Grigor, Grigor...
Fucking Simitz is here.
- What? - At court?
Thinks you're dead.
Out in the regions, some people think you're dead.
I'm not.
Who's Simitz?
Long story, only known by his lifelong friends.
[French accent] Here is the day, the promise delivered.
I bow before you.
[sniffs] Oh, you smell magnificent.
Like you have rolled around in some freshly cut grass and...
[sniffs] ...douched with half a peach.
Thank you, Voltaire. I have not done any of those things.
A shame.
Orlo would be proud.
Thank you. I have thought of him much this day.
He would have loved it.
He believed in you for quite a long time until he stopped.
I came to say good luck.
Thank you. It is...
A massive, pointless, self-aggrandizing, fucking book club.
You're in your element.
I guess you stopped trying to make up, then?
Indeed, Empress.
I have, on account of me being right about all of it
and you being a bitch about all of it.
I think they're almost ready.
[sighs]
CATHERINE: What a joy it is to see this.
Nobles, merchants, and peasants all gathered together.
Welcome to the Nakaz.
We are here to do the historic, and also fun, job
of remaking Russia.
Open your hearts, clear your throats, let us have at it.
Can the peasants not look us in the eye?
Smolny, sit!
Where to begin on this incredible day?
Let's go boldly.
- [softly] Oh, dear. - Indeed.
Who here has had someone they love murdered?
Felt that pain?
Or have killed, and felt that pain?
And known in their marrow the damage they wrought to the soul
in the taking of another human life?
Today, we will outlaw murder.
- What the... - Fuck?
- [scattered applause] - Huzzah!
I am right beside you, as always.
I will take that fucker's eyes and then spend the next week
winking at them on my desk.
- GRIGOR: Huzzah! - Fantastic. I'm here for you.
Some context would be great, though.
[thuds]
He was going to the conference.
Right.
[exhales gruffly]
- What are you doing? - Fuck!
I cannot step on Catherine's thing.
It will only interrupt them for a minute.
True, but maybe not.
Probably not a good idea
to fill the air with blood spray when she's hoping for enlightened words.
Later. Fucking later!
GRIGOR: You're a good husband.
I try.
- You're going to kill him, though? - Of course I am, Arkady.
Fuckin' weird question.
♪
Empress, with the deepest respect, what the fuck are you talking about?
The merchants echo Smolny
with a strong, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
[slurring] Show some fucking respect, shopkeeper!
Velementov.
MERCHANT: The threat of murder underpins all contracts.
The law will.
Sanctions, torture, imprisonment.
And then they... fucking walk away?
Bottom line: any cunt can walk away from a deal.
This is fucking bullshit on a plate.
A power grab by the Empress, dressed up as, as...
[Startsev coughs]
Of course, interesting and worth discussing, respectfully.
- ARCHIE: Hmm. - Indeed.
MERCHANT: The cost is our point.
We will not know what it costs us until we are freed from it.
I have a question.
Hypothetically speaking, say I stab someone five times in the back
but he doesn't die.
We're all good with that, right?
Once Igor put seven mole rats in a bag,
took them out of the field where they were playing blissfully,
but suddenly at close quarters, a trapped distrust grew between them,
and in the morning, six were dead and one looked bewildered
and sad at what he'd done.
This is us.
Well, that's a weird fucking story.
Killing has become an easy answer
to questions we cannot be bothered to answer in any other way.
This will force us to search
and will elevate our souls and spirits when we find those answers.
Don't be fucking animals anymore, is the point. Simple.
[polite applause]
That fucking peasant looked at me again!
Smolny, sit the fuck down
or I'll put a hole in you!
Over a fucking peasant?
Really, Velementov. Take a good hard look at yourself.
Is anyone else getting the irony?
Peasants, I would love to hear from you.
The peasants, clearly they have everything to fucking gain.
This is an attack on the nobles' rights, as we have the right to kill anyone.
We know what they're going to say.
Raskolvy, sit down.
Um, I'm sorry, I thought we were here to be heard.
I'm a bit confused.
Peasants, please, speak.
We...
- We... - You may speak.
Weigh your words well.
I just said they could speak.
PEASANT: Thank you.
We like murder.
Good peasant. Bravo.
Yes. We believe the current situation is adequate.
When nobles can kill you with impunity?
Yes, as the God almighty wills it.
- He also says "Thou shalt not kill." - You don't believe in God.
Doesn't mean he's always wrong.
Can you kill us?
Me? [crowd murmuring]
- I'm not-- - The state?
Of course, we fucking can. It's not on the table.
Kill everyone in the room if we feel like it.
[audience griping, muttering]
But we won't!
Quiet the fuck down!
[women scream]
[silence falls]
Well, will the state kill?
Yes, the state must reserve the right to...
- [angry muttering] - What the? This is ludicrous!
We should live free of the state deciding our lives.
Freedom from tyranny!
I'm not fucking tyranny!
Figure of speech, Empress!
I'm completely with you on this, I just got a bit swept up.
Will we get a vote?
Vote! Vote! Vote!
[crowd chanting "Vote!"]
We must be behind our Empress, we must back her,
as she is heaven sent to...
change you fucking animals into biped...
[groaning]
Oh, God...
[shrieks]
[moaning]
[crowd murmuring]
Clearly time for an adjournment.
Call Vinodel to help her.
Bravo! Bravo!
This is so much better than I'd hoped for!
[gargling]
Ahhh! [inhales deeply]
[groans]
Whenever I get the need to kill and it is stymied,
I get this fucking headache
that only ice-cold water will stave off.
Your blood won't still until his does spill.
Ooh, fucking good, Arkady.
I need to eat something bloody.
Tell the chef to grill me a pheasant, raw, as if it had just been shot.
Love to hear the story on this guy.
You should be concentrating on getting our fucking horse hard, Hugo!
Hey, hey. Yelling? Come on, hug Hugo.
- I don't want to hug. - He's not hugging you.
I don't want to... [groans]
HUGO: Come on. [slaps Peter's back]
You will spill his blood soon and will be at peace
in your big old heart and your fizzing veins.
Exactly! You're right, Hugo.
'Tis a good day. He is back and I get to kill him.
- Cup half full. - Of his blood.
Fantastic! [laughing]
[imitating gunfire]
[making cartoonish noises]
Why are they doing that?
- Ah-choo! - Ugh!
[laughing]
- HUGO: Great! - Right, okay, great.
Let's get this horse hard!
Someone get me a glove!
[cheering, laughing]
Grigor, Grigor!
[making silly noises]
Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!
Yeah! [imitating horse whinny]
[exhales]
Well, that was close to going horribly wrong.
Toes on the precipice, for certain.
Saved by Georgina of all people.
No murder? You did come out strong.
Attacked our greatest and most loved pastime.
I had to go bold.
You are you.
Exactly. But I have to win the first one.
Can we claw it back?
Or should I say, "Hey, let's all go beaver hunting"?
- Would let us reset. - A retreat would look like a loss.
God, I can't believe the peasants are against it. Fuck!
And almost everyone else.
The peasants have never crossed the nobles
without ending up at their own funeral.
They'll follow their lead unless unpicked from their fear.
Perhaps I can help with that.
I want them to speak freely, Archie, that's why they're here.
And we also want to win.
Yes. And that. And that's why I now have you two.
Go forth and be persuasive.
[sighs]
[coughing]
What were you doing in there?
Drunk.
- Sorry. - You're always drunk.
No, it's something else.
I...
I cough a small amount up each day.
Who knows how much is left inside?
Probably a lot.
Fucking hell of an autopsy that'll be.
You should go.
But don't wear white.
Did you see Vinodel?
I know what it is...
and I know what it means.
No. No...
- I won't allow it. - Oh.
Well...
take a vote on it.
Actually, I've made a few enemies...
so maybe don't.
You should take time away from your duties.
- Rest. - No, no, bad idea.
All I have is my duties.
Please.
I'd beg on my knees, but I'd never get up.
Okay, but...
Vanilla.
- You smell of... - Don't make it weird.
And your breasts
are like firm translucent apples.
[chuckles]
Fucker.
Just... less booze, perhaps.
I'll pull it together, I promise.
And see Vinodel.
Catherine.
Between you and me.
♪ balalaika playing ♪
[footsteps approach]
Darling?
I found this in the hall.
[sighs]
Fuckers!
As well as various pages used to wipe various arses.
"No murder" may not have been the most savvy move for day one.
No murder? That was your--
I wanted something bold,
that spoke of my ambition, of our capacity to rewrite ourselves.
You would not be you if you did not.
[sighs] Thank you for saying it like it is a compliment.
It is.
You always have my list to fall back on.
Kind.
I will persevere.
I must turn my airy ideas into steel...
and will.
I will win.
I am me, I will pull this off.
Small thing. I have to kill someone tonight.
- What? - Yeah, I vowed to kill him years ago.
He disappeared, the coward, and now he has come back.
I am trying to outlaw murder.
I apologize for the timing, but the cunt is dead,
so if you aim to come in now with argument in your heart and mouth
rather than love and support for your husband's needs, do not.
Have you not been listening?!
I am out there, risking my rule on an idea.
- A stupid idea. - A beautiful idea!
You will not kill him.
I will.
No murder? How are we to settle grievances?
I have a range of options:
imprisonment, torture, garnishing of land and wages!
Many ways.
They seem dull.
Also, if you were a curious wife,
interested in the emotional life of one's husband,
you might ask, "Why, dear one?"
I don't care why. There is no why!
He used to trip me.
- What? - In front of my father, he would trip me.
They were close friends, and in this room,
when Grigor and I would come to see Father,
as we walked towards him, he would find a way to trip one of us...
- Trip you? - ...and then...
Are you fucking kidding?
Well, fuck, behead him immediately.
There is a woman in the salon
whose breath was bad and blew it my way, I shall kill her too!
She could just take some peppermint lozenges,
but you should set your boundaries as you wish.
My head is going to explode.
- And then after he would trip us-- - Oh!
Is this tragic story still going? Let me pull up a chair.
Father would laugh, and Simitz would say, "I might fuck them."
And he would jump on us, pin us, and pretend to fuck us
as he banged our heads into the floor and hard humped.
We... we struggled and Father roared with laughter and...
What? [clears throat]
And sometimes he would cum.
Jesus.
Ooh!
[groans]
I could not go against him, because Father...
well, he preferred him and...
I was 12.
Peter.
When my father died, my first thought was...
Well, my first thought was, "Daddy's gone, I don't know how to live, how to be."
But my second was, "Get Simitz,
cut his cock and hands off, scoop out his eyes, barbecue them,
kick his face to a pulp, flay his torso and salt his raw flesh."
The order of that may be wrong.
My darling.
I have to kill him, Catherine.
Because you think it will take your pain away?
Mm. It will.
When I killed you, or thought I had, it did not take my pain away.
But you loved me more than you hated me.
I will not let you do this.
You're worried I'll embarrass you at your conference?
A good leader doesn't give a fuck about the thoughts of his subjects, foreigners,
or anyone other than what is in his own heart.
- [knock at door] - Your guests have arrived.
Of course, Lev, just a moment.
[Peter clears throat]
Remember, there is only now, and now is us,
fizzing drinks and fucking horses.
PETER: Mm.
I will join you presently.
I have the sorest hand, and to no avail.
Very stubborn, very flaccid horse.
Hi. You will not believe--
- Stop! - What?
Whatever you were going to say.
We are going to pretend that nothing exists but us.
We're going to the lake,
we're going to swim naked in the moonlight,
make love in the moonlight, and feast in the moonlight.
Doesn't have to be in that order.
If you're hungry, we can work backwards.
Fucking Hugo.
That guy is a poison in the system, and I know it, and he knows I know it,
and I have known Peter and loved Peter--
Oh, fuck Peter!
Fuck her. What about us?
Are our lives lived at their whim?
Is that a rhetorical question?
Is there any possibility we can leave them behind tonight?
I have to go to be there for Peter.
No, you don't! She doesn't!
Actually, no one does.
GRIGOR: I do.
I could listen to this all night.
What do you want?
My husband and I are required at Catherine and Peter's party.
No one buys your "I love Catherine" show, Georgina.
I mean, her pussy must taste like bitter fruit, Grigor.
Fair warning, I am going to punch you in the face.
Marial! George, shut up!
Grigor? Are we going?
I...
It's sort of tense,
but we all know who he's choosing, and it's not either of us.
Just go.
- I love you. - I hate you.
I'll come as soon as I crush Hugo in front of Peter.
And depending on how Peter's feeling about the Simitz thing.
And depending if there's crème brûlée for dessert or George needs fingering.
I do need fingering, actually.
I love you.
Bye.
Grigor.
Simitz.
Kill the cunt.
We will.
Hello. They got you. Great.
Empress!
I have wronged your husband,
but my three years lost in the desert have led to my enlightenment.
I deserve to die, but hearing you speak today,
I know that a new Russia is born.
I, and the eight nobles I bring from Vladivostok region,
are in lockstep with you.
My husband wants to kill you.
You mustn't let him.
How would that look?!
Yes, obviously pretty fucking bad.
Still, I have much sympathy for his position.
We must find a way to satisfy his rage.
I am at your whim.
Glad you understand that.
All right. Come. Let's go.
You're not taking me to him?
I am.
Uh...
I think that is a very bad idea.
And I do not, so return to the "I am at your whim" statement.
[Simitz groans]
[horse hooves clopping]
[courtiers chatting, laughing]
You want a drink?
You look like you need a drink.
Too agitated.
Until I kill this fucking guy.
Peter! Son of Peter the Great!
I beseech your forgiveness.
Bring me a fucking blunt butter knife. I want this to be slow.
[Simitz groans] [courtiers gasping]
A fucking knife!
I hurt you. I know I did.
I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?
- No! - Kill me if you must.
I will and I must.
I'll get my own fucking knife!
Terrible service!
- SIMITZ: Empress! - [softly] Peter.
Catherine, step aside.
Let it go. It will not take the pain away.
Why don't I kill him and then I will tell you if it does? Hmm?
If it doesn't, you were right, and if it does, I was right.
A real experiment in the emotional life of humans.
- Science. - Nobles of the court!
In a moment, this man's blood will gush
and my husband will have blackened his soul and ours with it.
- Huzzah! - Shut the fuck up.
And you will all be reassured that we are all alone
and living at the whim of each other's pain and madness,
that any moment could be your last,
that there is no rhyme or reason to our lives.
This is the Russia I try to leave behind.
For all of us.
The floor is yours, husband!
Hmm. Well, you've really taken the fun out of this moment.
SIMITZ: I'm really sorry.
It just made your father laugh, and I was always so fucking terrif--
Shut up!
[whispering] I'm begging you.
For us.
To Catherine the Great!
Huzzah! [applause]
[courtiers shouting "Huzzah!"]
And to Peter the Third!
Huzzah!
[scattered "Huzzahs!"] [applause and jeering]
Keep the fuck away from me.
[Simitz groans]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You best fuck off, sir, and quickly.
I need a drink. Grigor?
Where are you? A drink.
Champagne cocktail, vodka shooter,
followed by a spritzy little crème de menthe thing I've been toying with.
I mean, where the fuck is Grigor?
Fucking servants. Never there when you need them.
Fuck!
[Peter groans]
- Oh, the spritzy one is cheering. - Isn't it?
You piqued my interest.
So silent and still, and yet...
something.
- I like to listen. - As do I.
You're a very rich, very busy man,
and you elected to come to the Nakaz for two months.
I'm a patriot.
Oh! So strange how one gets a shiver up the spine when people say that.
I serve Russia.
Well, she is Russia.
Hmm.
She wants to hear our voice, apparently.
Indeed. She wants to hear your voice hearing her and yelling "Huzzah!"
Well, she's opened the door to something else.
We will have a say in Russia. Finally.
No murder. Hmm?
Insane.
[soft laugh]
Is your arm numb?
It is a little, actually.
I poisoned your tea.
Which explains the arm and possibly the lightheadedness.
The chest pain?
[panting]
[chuckles] It's a kind of yellow flower essence.
You smell it, you faint.
You drink it, well, your kidneys die, and you shortly after.
[Startsev groans]
No murder.
How are you feeling about it?
- I am but one man-- - Who holds the merchants in his hand.
[groans]
One bite and in half an hour, you will be fine.
A snake?
Nature.
All the questions and all the answers in a delightfully chaotic form.
There'll be some throwing up shortly.
Try to answer before you black out.
Let me know when you've made your decision.
Yes. Yes. Fine. You have my word.
It is known merchants are not always true to their word.
Oh, I would hate for this to happen again.
Me too.
My snake will only bite you once.
You know Peter the Great's family. We don't give second chances.
Yes, very well understood.
A great relief.
[grunts] Now... let's cure you.
Thigh or armpit?
[retches]
Do you want us to undress?
Undress?
To be killed. So we don't ruin the shirts.
The Empress does not wish to kill you. You are spared.
PEASANT 1: [softly] Oh? PEASANT 2: Whew!
Relief floods your faces.
And yet you seemed opposed to the Empress' anti-murder bill.
Why?
We think she is a witch.
Her nose is small and her skin too white.
She has a mole on her neck, a hole where the devil gets in.
Sent to test us against our masters to lead us into temptation.
It's a trick.
Say we hate murder, and then the nobles murder us.
She is changing Russia.
She was not picked by God.
Oh, so you do remember Him, then?
God?
Because the way you've been acting,
you'd think it was the nobles who you pray to.
She's not freeing us, is she?
They'll still own us, even if they can't kill us.
At least when you can get murdered, you know it might end.
An optimistic spin on things.
Allow me to just unpick this present fear
that you have stitched yourselves to.
Eternal damnation.
You familiar with it?
I'll just do a quick recap for you while we're all here.
If you go against my wishes on this,
if you go against the Empress, whom God has kept in power
since she rose to the occasion,
you will be cast down to the depths of Hell.
White-hot waves of searing hellfire
will crash over your body
and pour into your lungs
so that you boil alive from the inside out.
Locusts will crawl up and into every orifice
and wriggle through your mind,
scratching behind your eyes.
There will be no end.
There will be no beginning.
There will only be suffering,
as a knife slices at your Achilles' heel
and a red-hot poker is rammed
up your arsehole on the hour,
every hour, until...
Oh, wait, there is no "until,"
because it will never end.
There is no time in Hell.
I might be wrong.
Some of you might not get the poker thing,
but best to be prepared for everything.
Or, you can do as He wishes
and side with the Empress,
as she does God's work for the good of Russia.
Your choice.
Either way,
He will know,
because He
knows
everything.
You look handsome.
- Don't. - And me?
- A real vision. - Thought so.
You can still screw me, you know?
You should still screw me. We are married.
I'm with Marial. I love her.
I still screwed you when I screwed Peter.
Often in front of me.
Exactly, as I wanted you to feel we were in it together.
[Simitz making "humping" sounds]
[sighing] Ohhh!
♪ stately music playing ♪ COURTIER: Whee!
- Husband. - Witch.
Thank you.
Sometimes it is hard to be married, and then when we dance...
It is easy.
Indeed.
Honestly, don't you feel better
for not having blood on your hands and soul tonight?
Hmm. I do have a kind of peace about it, to be honest.
Because for now...?
I'm happy.
Exactly.
Empress, I just wanted to say,
I saw you in trouble and I just felt like a way out was needed.
But I was giddy anyway from your boldness.
You faked the fit.
I thought I was very convincing.
You are a good liar, it seems.
Thank you.
I don't need you to trust me or be friends with me.
In time, you'll see I'm there for you, for Russia.
And in my heart, I'll know I made a difference,
and that is all I want.
Right.
- Kings! - Kings!
BOTH: Hooch!
Oh, for fuck's sake.
- What? - Look, I need a fucking favor.
Of course.
We have put each other's lemon tops in.
Could you get me some medicine from Vinodel?
It's not for me.
Who for?
It might be fun for you to meet, actually.
♪ balalaika playing ♪
I still don't understand. You didn't kill him.
- You weren't here. - You really weren't.
You were very not here.
It is a lot to get one's head around... Simitz.
Yes, I know, but I decided it was good husbanding to not kill him.
Happy wife, happy life. Huzzah!
Why are you in this conversation, you crownless blond eunuch fuckhead?
PETER: Brrr! [laughs]
It's the warmth with which I've been embraced that I love here.
Simple answer, because kings get kings, over-rouged peasant woman.
Peter, we will still kill him?
I don't know.
Maybe she's right and it doesn't matter,
blood spilt now doesn't make the past disappear.
The fuck it doesn't.
Agreed! Revenge must be taken!
Can we just focus on the horse? Okay?
I need you to help me get the horse hard to fuck the other horse
to create a new superhorse that I will gift my son,
and no one is doing it!
I could stare at it, that usually works.
I'll fix it, Peter. Trust me.
I need all our aphrodisiac. For the horse.
And how will you get hard?
Agnes, it hangs in the fucking balance. Have we got a plan or not?
Yes.
And once again, how will you get hard for me?
I can do it, I promise, when I'm relaxed!
Winning Peter will get me hard, trust me.
[sighs]
Thought I smelled something nice.
It's you.
That looks bad.
Ah. Bit infected, it'll be fine.
Pugachev will outlive the cockroaches.
I'm Marial.
She'll steal some medicine for your back,
and then I can go on top some nights.
Oh, that would be nice, for intimacy.
She stabbed you.
I wondered what had happened to you.
You must be the only one. Drink?
Do you want to come to a conference up there with me tomorrow?
No, thanks. They'll probably finish me off if they see me.
The fuckers.
Fuckers they are.
He's a fucking monster, and she's as bad.
You want that drink?
I have no plans.
You need to watch Hugo.
I am.
What's with your "I love Catherine" game?
No game, I truly believe in what she's trying to do here.
As a woman, she will change everything for us.
Fuck.
That's good.
I almost can't tell if you're lying,
until I remember it's you, and then I know you are.
- Peter has to kill Simitz. - I know.
He won't be able to live with it.
I know.
We have to help him.
Agreed.
We should fuck, don't you think?
No. I don't.
So cruel.
Makes you even more attractive.
♪ quirky music playing ♪
Can't sleep?
Can't sleep.
Me neither.
Maybe it's a sign that we should fuck.
Not that we need a sign-- we're so good at it that people should pay us to watch.
[chuckles] That's funny, and true, but alas, no fucking.
Oh, go on. Why not?
She's always there now, in my bones. In my blood.
Would feel strange. Would not fit.
You can be two things at once, you know.
You can fuck me and love her, and I can fuck you and be loyal to her.
It's not hard.
Being at war with yourself is hard.
Even now, I look at you in that dress and I remember the time
I fucked you so hard in it, one of your earrings fell out and...
[inhales sharply]
There's a slight pain in my chest.
So give into it and get inside of me.
No one needs to know.
I just don't want to. Not at all.
Fuck me.
Everything I used to own now belongs to someone else.
Me too.
You're still the girl I climbed a tree for.
You're still the boy I kicked a dog for.
[sighs]
I mean, he's got a skinful of the finest Swedish slongful.
- Slongful? - Just wait. Just wait.
Come on!
Grigor! Ha! I think Hugo has readied them.
I have indeed.
Have you got anything, Grigor, you want to offer up pointlessly?
Fuck off?
A sad way of saying, "No, I don't have anything."
Saw Simitz last night.
He was smirking when he walked past.
- He what? - Smirking.
And he made a fucking sound.
He fucking what? [horse snorting]
He's... he's doing it!
GRIGOR: We need to do this.
We have a plan in play already.
Fuck me, look at that.
I can't keep dunking my head in water, can I?
Peter... Peter, Peter, th-they're fucking!
You definitely cannot.
Oh-h-h-h-h!
And...
done!
[horse whinnies]
Amazing. Well done, Hugo.
Grigor, let's go.
Uh, where are we going?
It's a Russian thing.
Thanks. Fuck off now, Hugo.
I hate it here!
Fuck!
Hello. What do we think?
[softly] See for yourself.
Morning. Enjoy the day.
So now they're scared of you instead of the nobles?
More God's wrath.
Being clubbed to death by nobles is a light day
compared to eternal damnation.
So they will not be speaking freely, as you fucking terrified them.
The merchants are yours.
- What did you do? - Oh, details, details.
Suffice to say, a new idea is in their blood.
Right. I'll leave that alone.
But I fear no one believes anything.
But they are certainly against murder.
- That I saw in his eyes. - We just played them.
Are you saying, "Well done and thank you very much"?
- How I heard it. - Funny.
Okay.
[sighs] The nobles are the unknown.
They make up two-thirds. What do you think?
I don't think.
I prefer to know, and I know we don't know.
So it is a risk to call the vote to a head.
Beaver hunting?
Also, what if I win and we walk out of here
and find my husband beheading Simitz?
Is that a win or a mockery?
You think he will?
I don't.
But it is all a risk.
So?
I love it when you're inscrutable, makes things very dramatic.
♪ soft, suspenseful music playing ♪
What a rousing discussion we had yesterday.
Huzzah!
But it's time to move on to the first issue I wish to proclaim on.
"No murder," wasn't it?
[scattered booing]
Much to say on that.
We will now move on.
That was a mere warm-up discussion.
We will discuss it properly later as I analyze the thoughts raised. Huzzah!
[scattered applause]
Now, the first proclamation of the Nakaz to be voted on,
an exciting moment for all of us.
I move that every village in Russia,
no matter how big or small, rich or poor,
will have their own monkey!
PEASANT: [softly] Oh...
[cheering and applause]
Adorable!
Let us vote!
- Well, that should do. - You thinking throat or heart?
I'd always imagined eye whenever I thought about it.
Eye. Nice. You see the startle close up.
Exactly.
But...
what if I didn't kill him?
It would make no sense.
What if we just tied him to a tree, tortured him,
let the animals fuck and ravage him, and then come back each afternoon
for a month and just hurt him, then left?
- Seems time consuming. - I suppose.
She'll never know. We'll see to that.
All marriages have secrets.
- Yours? - No.
Actually, no.
Wish we did sometimes.
[man and woman laughing]
Hello.
I disappear, your wife will know you did it.
Now you don't have to lie.
You are a friend.
But...
[sighs]
[straining, thwacking head]
You weren't the only ones he fucked with back then.
It's nice, the quiet after, isn't it?
Oh... it's the best part.
Sense of fucking peace is...
Sublime.
- Congratulations. - Marial, can you just not?
Monkeys eat rats like bananas.
So it is the step forward we dreamed of
when we risked our lives and planned the coup against your husband.
Please go.
I have something to say.
Oh, sorry, would you rather I not tell the truth the moment I have it to hand?
Or are we not free to speak our minds in your court?
Speak it if you are confident it is a mind worth revealing.
Simitz wasn't there today.
You notice that?
You should go home.
It's been a big day.
No doubt your devoted husband is running you a bath.
BOTH: Bloodbath.
It would be wittier if I wasn't always ahead of you.
What a day.
Yes. You won.
I suppose.
Well, every town has a monkey, that is a win.
You killed him?
Grigor shot him.
And you?
You need to sleep.
♪ I'm feeling it, I'm feeling it ♪
♪ I'm feeling it ♪
♪ But it's not my time ♪
♪ You're hearing it You're hearing it ♪
♪ You're hearing it ♪
♪ But it's not our sound ♪
♪ Don't say you mean it ♪
♪ It's not what you wanted ♪
♪ I can't give you more ♪
♪ It's not what you wanted ♪
♪ I'm feeling it, I'm feeling it ♪
♪ I'm feeling it ♪
♪ But it's not my time ♪
♪ You're hearing it You're hearing it
♪ You're hearing it ♪
♪ But it's not our sound ♪
♪ Don't say you mean it ♪
♪ It's not what you wanted ♪
♪ I can't give you more ♪
♪ It's not what you wanted ♪
♪
♪ I stand ♪
♪ Where you stand ♪
♪ Watching my dreams fade ♪
♪ Oh, I don't miss ♪
♪ Don't miss this feeling ♪
♪ Watching my dreams fade ♪
♪ Calling me out Calling me out ♪
♪ I'm not your answer to this ♪
♪ Watching my dreams fade ♪
♪ I'm feeling it, I'm feeling it ♪
♪ I'm feeling it ♪
♪ But it's not my time ♪
♪ You're hearing it You're hearing it ♪
♪ You're hearing it ♪
♪ But it's not our sound ♪
♪ Don't say you mean it ♪
♪ It's not what you wanted ♪
♪ I can't give you more... ♪
CATHERINE: I am not the child bride who took this place.
I must be a different leader, for Russia.
No more murder!
This is the Russia I tried to leave behind.
Well you've really taken the fun out of this moment.
ELIZABETH: Peter has many talents.
Keep him busy so you can work.
I'm to create a European super-horse.
- Have they fucked yet? - No.
One of you should get him hard. [horse whinnies]
- Fluff the horse? - I would love to
but I have small hands that cramp up with motion, so.
♪
CATHERINE: You do not share my desire to transform this country.
PETER: Because it's bad.
You do nothing but eat and hunt all day!
Set yourself free in the forest, and I will hunt and eat you all day.
[scoffs]
AMBASSADOR: Trying to lead a people... [screeching]
out of a swamp of hundreds of years, it's hard.
CATHERINE: An uprising is building.
This man is pretending to be Peter.
And the people rise in violence for me?
Yes. [soft exhale]
- Are you actually moved by that? - They love me.
Oh, Jesus Christ, that's not the point!
I am hated at court.
- You couldn't control her. - Because I love her!
You should never have brought me someone I would love.
Total mismanagement.
ELIZABETH: A royal marriage is a job.
Do the work or broken hearts,
shattered lives, and blood all over the floor.
[all screaming]
ELIZABETH: We're in a very dangerous place.
[screaming]
No escape for any of us.
They came to destroy us. [gasps]
♪
CATHERINE: Nothing would be the same.
Huzzah?
Huzzah!
♪