♪♪
Hey, watch out! Pregnant girl comin' through.
Man, I'm hungry.
(all chattering)
Sad I had to specify "girl."
Are you okay? Are you comfortable?
All right, nobody touch her!
The doctor said she could explode at any moment!
Give birth, Danny. The doctor said that I could "give birth" at any moment.
But I'm fine, all right? It was just false labor.
Apparently it happens all the time.
Well, having been pregnant now for almost four hours,
I think I'd know for sure if a person
was really about to crawl head first
out of my body.
Oh, she'll know. Trust me.
That chick from Alien will have nothin' on her, just-- (makes explosion noise)
Mom!
Right, right, right.
But good news... the second one
just pops right out.
One minute you're dancin' at a Bon Jovi concert, yeah...
and the next, someone's all like, "Oh my gosh,
who dropped a baby on the floor? Ohh..."
I can't believe they made me buy you a ticket.
Now are you sure that there is absolutely nothing we can get you?
I am feeling very maternal.
Well, I know it's late, but I am a little hungry.
-Maybe pizza? -Ooh, perfect.
But you know what would be even better? Pancakes!
-Ooh! -Oh, no, I'm-- I'm not really in the mood for pancakes.
Yes, yes! And there's that place on Bleecker that's open all night!
-(everyone talking at once) -I love that place!
They'll be back.
-Oh my, okay... -(everybody talking at once)
(theme music playing)
♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change direction ♪
Are you done?
Yeah, I'm done.
-Are you done? -Okay!
Oh, my-- Honey, look.
I know the doctor said
I shouldn't do anything too strenuous,
but do you think I could not do anything
in my own apartment?
Well, what if we're all alone
and I have to go to the bathroom
or get some water?
What then, Riley, what then?
Ah, yes, what then?
You know, well, now that you mention it,
um, I am a little thirsty.
Right. I'm on it.
Uh, hey, Ben. I need to get Riley some water.
You mind watchin' her while I go to the kitchen?
You got it.
We're back!
So cute. How was dance class today?
Eh, you know, it was all right.
Mainly sat in the back with the only other cool mom
and made fun of the awkward and ugly kids, so...
I was actually talking to my daughter.
-Oh. -Yeah.
So, how was dance class today?
Who's my mommy?
Wow. Okay. Your mommy, that's new.
Well, we talked about this, remember?
Her name's Angela and she lives in Los Angeles.
Why?
We just got lucky, I guess.
Ben!
I'm sorry, the books all say to be honest!
What's all this about, anyway?
Well, I'm guessing it has something to do
with the mother/daughter talent show
Emma's class is having.
Mother/daughter talent show?
Okay, this is wrong on so many levels.
How dare they make Emma feel bad for only having a father.
That's my job.
Hey, hey, hey, all this anger and negativity
is stressing Riley out.
Here. I'll hold it while you take a sip.
Ahh! You wanna know what's really stressing me out?
How cold it is in here.
Uh, Danny, do you-- do you think you could go get my blue blanket,
and if you don't see it, just keep looking.
It's definitely real.
Got it!
Oh, hey, Ben!
You've gotta promise if anything happens,
you'll be there for Riley.
You got it. Treat her like the weird kid
who eats paste and has mittens pinned to his jacket.
Oh wait, that was you!
Dude, I'm serious.
Brother to brother.
If I'm not there when the baby comes,
you gotta promise to be there to take care of my wife and my son.
Yeah. Danny, of course, I promise.
You hear that, baby? We're on our own.
Oh, hey, man, anything happening yet?
No, but I don't have time right now--
Oh, my god, I'm so happy for you.
Tucker told me about the false labor and I totally get how stressful
that can be. I went through it for weeks,
but at least it increased the value of my push gift.
I got this sapphire ring.
I'm sorry, your what gift?
Push gift. It's what a husband gets his wife
for pushing a bowling ball through a straw?
You got her one, right?
No...
Oh. Hello, worst husband ever. (laughs)
Way to start off on the wrong foot.
Babe, babe, babe... remember we talked
about not saying everything that comes into your mind?
-Uh-huh. -Yeah. This is one of those moments.
-Oh. -It's gonna be fine, man.
No. No, it's not gonna be fine.
The baby's gonna come, and I'm gonna be standing there
with nothing in my hand besides a used umbilical cord!
That's it. I'm gonna go down
to the jewelry store on the corner.
Dude, what is the matter with you?
Man, you don't wanna pay retail. Dude.
Man, look, I'll hook you up, okay? Trust me, man, I got a guy.
(giggles) Suddenly this necklace you got me doesn't seem so special.
Yes, I knew she'd start asking questions someday,
but that's not what this is about.
It's about me not being enough for her.
Seriously, what does she need a mom for?
-There's nothing I can't handle. -Well, honey, let's circle back
to that when it's time to discuss her period,
or her first bra, or birth control--
Mom, none of those things are ever happening!
Okay, maybe it would be good for both of us if I had someone.
A partner.
A real mom for Emma.
Maybe I should've never stopped looking for Elle.
Yeah, why did you stop?
Uh, maybe 'cause every single time I ever mentioned her,
you ridiculed and mocked me?
(scoffs) Well, if you're gonna let that stop you,
I'm surprised you can get out of bed in the morning.
It's hard! It's really hard!
You know what I'm gonna do?
I am gonna find Elle.
Okay, you do that. I looked for almost nine months.
But I'm goin' down to that dance studio.
There's no way they're stoppin' me
from dancing with my daughter.
Unless I have to wear tights.
I want people to see that I'm a good dad,
but that's all I want them to see.
So where's your guy?
He'll be here, all right?
But remember... this is a negotiation.
A dance, all right? There'll be a little back and forth, but in the end,
you will have a beautiful, almost-diamond bracelet for Riley.
Hey. Who's this?
My associate. Do you have the merchandise?
Yeah. This is gonna cost you 500.
Oh, that sounds really reasonable.
But there is no way that that is happening. (laughs)
To be honest with you, man, we only brought 200 with us.
Oh, no! I grabbed that envelope I keep in my sock drawer
on the way out. It's got like 2,000 in it.
Plus I might have a little more in my wallet.
So, can I assume that-- okay, yeah.
And I'll take the cell phones, too.
Yeah. W-- We don't have cell phones.
Oh... no, I got mine. Here, I'll call yours.
(phone ringing)
And how dare you make my little girl feel different?
-Ooh, hey, Benji-- -But even more important,
make me answer difficult questions
I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with.
-Ben-- -Not now, Mom, this baby daddy's on a roll.
This should be about the children.
Okay? Some of these kids have two moms,
some of 'em have two dads.
And there's that one girl who's got two of each,
which just seems like overkill.
Uh-huh. And if you look at the bottom of the flyer,
you will see that this is an all-inclusive event.
And the girls are free to perform with whomever they choose.
Yeah, that's what I was trying to tell you.
I did not see that.
But it's good to know that you'll be incorporating some of my suggestions.
Hey... your name isn't Elle, is it?
Mom, I think I would know if she was Elle.
-Come on, let's get outta here. -Ooh wait, can we go out the back?
The other cool mom and I are in a fight, and I don't wanna run into her.
Turns out the awkward kid I was makin' fun of was hers.
Is he here? Oh, did I miss him?
Is who here?
I don't know his name. I saw him
almost nine months ago,
and I'd about given up hope, but then I was across the street
and I thought I saw him through the window, but then there was this bus,
and this horse, and-- It's a long story.
But if you could just give me the name and number of the guy
who was just in here, that would be great.
No problem. Because clients love it whenever we give out their personal information.
Right. But at least I know he's a client.
Of course, with my luck, he's probably married.
Oh, he is definitely not married.
Yes! I knew it!
I knew he was single. Please, you have to help me.
There's honestly nothing I can do.
Are you having a stroke?
No! I just thought you might be interested in this.
Oh... yeah, no, I don't have a kid.
But he does! He's coming to the show!
Yes. I'll just come to the show and then I can finally meet him, it's gonna be perfect.
Yeah, I'd lower those expectations a bunch.
Well, I did it! I had it out
with the dance studio, and they definitely see it my way.
-Well, I-- -Just let me have this one thing!
Hey, Emma, so it's not gonna be a problem anymore.
You get to dance with Daddy.
I want my mommy.
Okay. No problem.
That doesn't break Daddy's heart into a million pieces at all.
Welcome to the dark side of parenting.
Ohh! Speaking of parents, I think I'm about to be one.
The baby is coming!
-Oh, god! Okay, all right. You guys-- -Oh! Go, go.
(Ben chattering)
You know what, I think I'm gonna sit this one out. Is that cool?
Hey... I'm so sorry.
My smartphone got lost.
Turns out it's not that smart.
It's fine, just be glad it was another false alarm.
Oh, by the way, I guess we need a car seat
to take the baby home from the hospital.
Yeah, I read that in a pamphlet
when I was just flashing my vagina to 12 med students.
Oh, we're on it. But, do you think I could borrow your credit card?
I think I might've misplaced my wallet as well.
Hey, did you hear that? Now I know exactly what to get Riley
for her push gift.
Dude, I'm tellin' you right now, a car seat
is a horrible idea.
No, I'm gonna get her the car to put it in.
Really? Seems like a pretty big gift
for just sittin' around with her feet up for nine months.
If I don't get her a car, what am I supposed to get her?
And this is where your friend Tucker steps in, man.
While you were off endlessly measuring your wife's cervix,
I was coming up with the greatest push gift idea ever.
What do women like even more than jewelry?
Being right?
(elevator dings)
No... they like puppies.
I've got a guy.
Really? Oh, my god, this is the best idea ever.
A new puppy and a baby all in the same day.
She's gonna feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Don't be upset. You know it's just a phase Emma's going through.
Yeah, whatever, it's so not a big deal. Die, die, die!
Are you sure you're okay? The TV isn't even on.
Look... you know she totally loves you.
Honestly, I'm just glad my mom is doin' it.
Last place I wanna be right now is stuck at some stupid rehearsal
with a bunch of screaming kids in tutus.
No-no.
What is it, Emma?
I wanna dance with you.
Me? You really wanna dance with me?
Well, heck, yeah, I'll dance with you.
See? I knew it was just a phase.
And if we hurry, we can be there in time for rehearsal.
Oh my gosh, this is gonna be so much fun.
And it seems I am being abandoned by a whole new generation.
-And yet, I feel like somehow you had a hand in this. -(scoffs)
I don't care what you say, but there is a good person in there.
A very small person, but she's in there.
-Beep, boop-- -Okay, stop it.
I have my moments.
And I'm going to continue my good deed tour and go find Emily.
-Don't you mean Elle? -Dammit! God...
That's a whole morning's worth of work down the crapper.
God!
(babbling in high-pitched voices)
(gasps) Oh... my god,
that is the cutest puppy ever.
Oh, yes she is.
-Aww... -(Danny and Tucker laugh)
-It's Riley's push gift. -It was my idea, but you know I'm lettin' him take the credit.
(laughs)
(laughing)
Oh, my god, are you serious?
-You want Riley to take care of a baby and a puppy? -(elevator dings)
Oh god! (laughs)
Even I don't hate her that much!
(laughs) You are a dead man!
God! A puppy!
Oh, man, Danny, I worry about you, you're slow, man! (laughs)
-So, a car? -Yeah, a car sounds good.
You ready?
♪ Sweet pea, apple of my eye ♪
♪ Don't know when and I don't know why ♪
♪ You're the only reason I keep on comin' home ♪
♪ Sweet pea, what's all of this about? ♪
♪ Don't get your way, all you do is fuss and pout ♪
♪ You're the only reason I keep on comin' home ♪
♪♪
♪ Sweet pea, keeper of my soul ♪
♪ I know sometimes I'm out of control ♪
♪ You're the only reason I keep on comin' home ♪
I love you, Emma.
Bam! You are never gonna believe what I did!
Well, you know what? I don't really care what you did,
because I have been here alone for almost three hours.
Oh, no, no, no, I did get a break
when I had to help Ben find a costume,
do Emma's hair, and make them lunch.
But I literally have no idea where my husband is,
this thing is just tap dancing on my bladder,
and g-- I can't get the lid off this mayonnaise jar!
Who is that?
Well, it's a little anti-climactic now,
but this... is Elle!
Hi!
-This is Ben's Elle? -Yeah.
-How did you do that? -Well, I just retraced his steps
back to the dry cleaner where he first met her.
So... do you remember Ben?
Well, um, no, not really, but... he sounds amazing!
-So you-- -Yeah, a little bit. (clears throat)
-So is he here? -No, he's getting ready for the talent show.
Okay, let's go. Oh my gosh, Ben is gonna be so surprised!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you guys are not going anywhere without me.
Um, just get the chair from Ben's desk
and start pushin'.
Oh, my god, we don't have the time.
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
Shut the door! God!
Hi, hi, I'm here.
I didn't miss it, did I?
No. Wait... aren't you supposed to be
in a giant bubble somewhere?
I put two pillows under a blanket
so it looks like I'm still there.
That's the one useful thing you taught me.
Bonnie?
Oh. Hey, Liz.
What are you doin' here?
Honestly? Hoping to meet the man of my dreams.
(laughs) At a mother/daughter talent show?
God, you're bad at this.
Ohhh! It's coming!
The baby is really coming this time!
Wait, are-- are you sure?
Could you maybe just cross your legs for a couple minutes until we're done?
No, I can't just cross my legs, because someone is trying
to crawl out of there. Ow, ow, ow, ow,
and it feels like he's trying to dig a brand new tunnel.
Use the existing tunnel!
Oh! Okay! I need you to text my phone. Danny has mine.
Right! Danny, okay.
What's wrong? What's going on?
-Oh god, ow! -This is it, the baby's really coming!
Okay, can't you just cross your legs?
I mean, we're all kind of in the middle of something.
(grunting, gasping)
All right, you know what, I will take her to the hospital,
you go on with Emma, and just meet me there, okay?
I can't, I promised Danny-- Oh, right! Danny!
Okay, and... send.
Okay, Emma? I am so, so happy that you asked me
to do this with you.
But I really need to help your Auntie Riley deliver your new cousin.
I am so sorry, but Grandma will dance with you.
Okay?
Okay, okay. Oh, my god, Ben!
Ben, I almost forgot. I found Elle!
-Really? Where is she? -Second row.
-Here? -Yes!
Oh, my god, stop that.
That's really her! Oh, my god, Mom, I love you!
Ahhhh!
Right. Just give her my information and I'll see her later, okay?
-Okay, all right. -Bye, sweetie. Let's go. Let's go.
Okay. All right. Listen, kiddo.
It's showtime. Okay? Lose the ukulele,
and don't get in my way during my solo.
Five, six, seven, eight...
Dun-nah-dun-dun.
Wah-tah! (grunts) What?
Ooh, g-- Ooh!
I have to say, these babies are so popular,
we're actually chargin' a thousand over sticker.
That sounds fair.
(phone buzzing)
Oh, my god. This is it! Riley's havin' her baby!
We gotta go!
-Hey! What are you doin'? -(engine starts)
Hang on!
-(crashing sound) -Oh!
-(clattering sound) -You know what? Thank you for the test drive.
I think-- I think we're just gonna keep looking.
Ohhh!
Ahhh!
Riley, you have to calm down. It's all gonna be fine!
Really? Because it doesn't feel fine from where I'm sitting.
Ahh! Where's the doctor?
The clinic's a little understaffed, but they paged someone,
and worst case scenario, I've actually done this before.
You stay away from me!
I'm Dr. Ryan. So what's the problem?
Oh, you know just a little bloating... I'm having a baby!
Oh, wow, right.
Yes, you are! And here it comes.
Wait. It's you.
It's really you.
My god, it's you!
I can't believe it!
I was just at a dance studio looking for you
when I got paged.
I know, I saw you! I'm Ben.
-I'm Elle. -I'm dying!
-Right! -Oh, and this isn't mine.
Good to know. Okay, I can do this.
Uh, you can do this? Haven't you done this before?
Well, not on an actual person, but it'll be fine.
So, you're a doctor?
Yeah. Well, almost. Fingers crossed.
Hey, maybe we can go out for a drink sometime?
-Ahhh! -Oh, my god, just give us like two minutes?
I'm here!
The father? Just in time. I need you.
Riley, here, hold my hand.
G-- Ohh, god!
-Ow! -Come on! Big push!
(both screaming)
Okay, give me one more.
(both screaming)
(baby crying)
Is that it? Did I do it?
You did it. And he's perfect!
I can't believe it's really you.
You were amazing.
No, you were amazing.
Hey, can we all agree that I was amazing?
Hey, little buddy. Are you ready to meet your mom?
I love him.
So do I.
And I love you.
Hey, since you're already gonna be watching one baby tonight, can you watch Emma,
so I can go out with Elle?
So, Sweet Pea, you and I have to talk.
I'm startin' to realize that maybe I can't always be your everything,
but I finally found that girl we saw nine months ago.
Now, I don't know what's gonna happen...
but if I do it right... there's a chance that you might finally
have a full-time mom.
What do you think?
I only need you, daddy.
I love you, sweetheart.
Well, little girl, it's good to know
that we have each other.
Because no matter what happens,
it's always just gonna be the two of us.
No, Brad, not every construction worker
that is whistling is looking at you.
Hi, sweetie.
(all talking at once)
Oh my gosh...
Well, I take that back.
I don't think it's ever gonna just be the two of us.
-(everybody talking at once) -Riley: Oh, I can finally have a glass of wine!
(chatter continues)