All: Hey! We're on vacation.
Aah! Oh, my God!
[ Laughter ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Laughter ]
I'm gonna die of heat stroke.
The most important thing is to not panic
and to have fun!
Get out there, baby. No, not you. You don't dance.
-Dancing's for winners, baby. -You don't dance.
Murr: What time is high tide?
[ Laughter ]
♪♪ Murr: What time is high tide?
Joe: Why do you have your phone out?
I just have a -- Someone was calling.
[ Laughter ]
Why is that funny? Why is that funny?
Someone was calling, and now it says "unknown."
[ Cellphone rings ]
Oh, this might be the -- Hold on.
[ Laughs ]
Hello?
What? Hold on one second, please.
[ Cellphone rings ]
What's the matter? You getting a phone call?
Why is your phone blowing up, bud?
[ Cellphone ringing ]
What the [bleep] is that?
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Chuckles ]
Oh!
Sorry about that.
We put your real phone number on a plane.
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Oh! Don't ever call me here.
Don't -- Oh, my God.
Oh, you [Bleep]
[ Laughter ]
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh. [ Cellphone ringing ]
Oh, my God.
Hello?
[ Laughter ]
Come on, man.
Time to change your phone number.
Oh, my God.
I don't think you have to change your number at all.
Why don't you make some friends?
Why don't you embrace this opportunity?
I have a feeling like you want three new friends right now.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cellphone rings ] This is some messed-up [Bleep]
Honestly -- All right, hold on one second.
Hello?
[ Laughter ]
Actually, for you, I might be lonely.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Murr, you're having some sort of belt malfunction.
You're gonna be mooning your passengers.
Start showing more and more of your ass
every time you stand up. Each time.
Murray's ass, A.K.A. "the big easy."
[ Laughter ]
Okay. Um...
We're on the very famous Decatur Street.
If you take notice to your right,
you can see that some of the architecture
is very, very old.
Not enough ass, bro. Barely any ass.
[ Laughter ]
They built this gazebo right over here, if you look,
in the year 1815.
It burned down, believe it or not.
"They had to rebuild it because there was
a huge crack in the foundation."
They had to rebuild that because there was
a huge crack in the foundation."
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
"You haven't lived until you've seen
moonlight on the bayou."
You have not lived until you've seen
moonlight on the bayou.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God!
"Tonight's a half-moon."
Tonight is actually a half-moon.
[ Laughter ]
You have to take the city in as a whole -- "A-hole."
[ Laughter ]
You really have to take in the city as a whole.
One thing about New Orleans is, it's all it's cracked up to be.
♪♪
Sal: So, Joe packed a pair of shorts
that were too tight for him.
So, what we decided was that Joe was gonna put those pants on
and try to split them in front of somebody out there.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Murr: Here he goes.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
They're looking at you like you're nuts.
[ Laughter ]
Look at this!
[ Laughter ]
[Bleep] this. I'm getting it.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, clumsy.
[ Laughter ]
He looks like he's trying to take a [bleep] on the deck!
Do it!
This is the funniest thing --
one of them's crying and laughing.
The other one looks like she wants to kill you.
[Bleep]
[ Laughter ]
The integrity of these shorts cannot be compromised.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
What's your name?
My name is David. David.
For no reason, just take your pants off.
[ Laughing ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's kinda hot out here.
"I might need you to back up so I can fit it all in."
[ Laughter ]
[Bleep] brutal.
Uh, okay, I might need you to back up to fit you all in.
[ Laughter ]
A little more.
That's good.
[ Laughter ]
See if you can get him to drop his pants, too.
[ Laughs ]
W-What underwear are you wearing?
Boxers? You want to pull them down,
cool off a little bit?
♪♪
Get 'em down, sit.
Go ahead. Wow.
Oh! [ Laughs ]
Just two dudes sitting here with our pants down.
[ Laughter ]
All right, bud, here we go.
[ Laughter ]
Slam-dunking some [bleep]
Eh, all right.
It's -- There it is. There's you.
[ Laughter ]
See, I made the choice
to have you slam-dunking some poop into a toilet.
Yeah, that's a 2-pointer, if you know what I mean.
[ Laughs ] You can take that.
And these are completely free...
Okay. ...of course.
But if you wanted to tip, we do work for tips today.
You know what? I left my wallet in my other pants.
You left your wallet in your other pants.
Yeah! Boom!
♪♪
Joe: You have to invade people's space.
Murr: That's not gonna help.
That's gonna hurt you.
Whew! So much cooler in the shade.
[ Laughter ]
You got the right idea, popped up in the shade.
It gets too hot out there.
Q: "This [Bleep] middle-aged creep
with his belly talking to me?"
Joe: Okay, guys, this feels so wrong.
I'm just gonna walk away
with my tail between my legs right now.
[ Laughter ]
Oof!
So much warmer out here in the sun.
Sal: [ Laughs ]
Joe: I was in the shade, it got cold.
[ Ice rattles ]
[ Laughs ]
Did you, uh, get in the shade or no?
No, it's on its way over. Be careful.
[ Laughter ]
Doesn't matter. This still doesn't feel right.
[ Laughter ]
How we doing? All right?
Chilling out, baby? Scooch.
Murr: Oh, my God!
I'm not sweating. I was in the shade.
It's so much cooler in the shade.
[ Laughter ]
Great. What was your name? Uh, Gary.
Joe. Joe?
♪♪
Is he going?
♪ I'm a comfortable guy ♪
Ahh, it's cold in the shade, huh?
No, this one's mine, Murr. Nice try.
[ Both laugh ]
I was here first. Much warmer in the sun.
I got cold. I was in the shade.
I got cold.
[ Both laugh ]
Joe: All right, the bar is down.
The game begins. Here we go, buddy.
"One more ride, and it's night-night forever."
[ Laughs ]
One more ride,
and it's night-night forever for me, you know?
[ Laughter ]
Murr: One down.
Here we go.
Now you want to clap coming through the door.
You want to clap coming through the door.
Look at him!
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God.
Q, say, "Sure,
dinosaur bites someone, everyone cheers.
I do it and get slapped with restraining orders."
Q: Look at that.
A dinosaur bites someone, everybody cheers.
I bite one, and the cops get involved.
[ Laughter ]
Murr: All right, Q, to the girl to your right,
I want you to say,
"You shouldn't show so much skin in public."
[ Laughter ]
Q: I can't say that.
Joe: Oh, and that does it!
No! No! Q!
And you sunk the boat!
♪♪
Joe, you see this guy in the blue bathing suit?
Stand right over him until he wakes up and notices.
♪♪
Oh, this is tough.
You're gonna get punched, man.
-In the balls. -In the balls. Bam.
[ Laughter ]
You doing all right? Everything's okay here?
-You doing okay? -Yeah, I'm good.
I've got the rip tide and everything. You did all right?
-Yeah, I'm all right. -Okay. Good.
Just checking in with everybody,
making sure everybody's doing okay on the beach.
Thanks, bud.
Yeah, he's okay.
[ Laughter ]
Murr: That was so weird.
♪♪
See those two women right there?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go behind them.
Okay. All right?
♪♪
Oh, my God.
Joe: [ Laughing ] What?
You look like a creepy knight!
They're already looking, Murray.
They're already looking at you.
[ Robotically ] I...am...Drunkboto.
Murray, this is your chance!
I...am...Drunkboto. You are so drunk.
What's that? Look at me.
Aah! Aah!
Hey! [ Laughing ] What? What?
You were drinking my drink! What's that?
She caught him! She caught him! She caught him!
[ Both laugh ]
Do you know what type -- what type plant this is?
I've never seen any flora like this before.
[ Growls ]
[ Laughs ]
You must be vegetarian.
Hey, you want to try some of this?
Joe: Get in there, Murr! This is it!
This is amazing stuff!
Ohhhhhhh!
Oh! He got it!
[ Growling ]
Oh, my God. Three sips off one guy?
I've never seen a plant be more distracting in my life.
Here. Let's have some more.
[ Growling ]
[ Laughs ]
What's the name of this plant? Let's name it.
What would you name it?
Joe: He took his phone. [ Laughs ]
Oh, like, uh -- like, uh -- like Chantreau?
[ Laughing ] Chantreau?
Joe: All right, enough, enough!
All right, we get it, we get it.
He don't give a [Bleep]
He's in the eye of the hurricane!
[ Laughs ]
Okay, Q's turn to sip.
Murr, why do you have so many hurricanes?
Hey, guys. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Ready? Watch this. Ready?
All right?
Q, you got to get in there! [ Laughs ]
What is this guy doing?
Keep looking, keep looking. Look. Ready?
Wait. Here. Keep -- Wait.
Q got a sip! Q got a sip!
There. Right? Okay?
There. Another one.
It's cold as [bleep].
Oh, it's working!
Cheers!
Nice!
He still didn't see it!
Check.
[ Both laugh ]
♪♪
Sal, throw a chicken finger right behind this guy.
Murr: [ Laughing ] Oh, my God.
♪♪
Oh, my... [ Laughter ]
Here he comes. He's coming in.
Stand up! Stand up or you lose.
Murr: He's coming in, looking.
"Were you the one who ordered the chicken fingers?"
[ Laughter ]
Oh, [bleep] me.
Were you the one that ordered the chicken fingers?
I didn't order anything.
I was walking down the boardwalk,
and chicken came flying across like this
and hit me in the head. Are you telling me
that a chicken finger came flying by and hit you?
Smacked off the building here and hit me in the head.
"Yeah, I know. I threw it."
[ Laughter ]
Who threw the chicken at me?
I want the guy right now.
[ Laughter ]
I'll be on the lookout.
♪♪
Joe: While James climbs the trees,
I will just demonstrate some more Hawaiian things.
You know, there's some -- some war cries.
Same as the bird. [ Laughs ]
You know, it's like, "Hoo-ah!"
"Hoo-ah! Hoo-ah!
Koo! Hoo-ah!"
That was a war cry.
Don't confuse it with the bird mating call.
Bird mating call -- "Hoo-ah!"
War cry -- "Hoo-ah!"
[ Laughter ]
Oh, grab that palm frond.
Where is the, uh --
Do you guys know what a palm frond is?
This is a palm frond.
Give it to the littlest kid there.
So, I'm gonna need a volunteer.
Yeah, come on up. Every afternoon, we have --
a chief comes in and he blesses a palm frond,
and this is for you to take home.
"It's sacred. Please don't disrespect it."
It's sacred. Please don't disrespect it.
Don't let it touch the ground.
Murr: The palm frond is sacred!
[ Laughter ]
The palm frond is sacred!
What did he say?
[ Laughter ] Right. Very good.
Joe, can you throw Murr a ukulele up there?
You know what? Let me get you the ukulele.
I mean, if you're gonna be stuck up there,
the least you can do is the ukulele presentation.
Ow. You [bleep].
[ Laughs ]
Yep.
You know, music is a big part of the culture here in Hawaii.
So he's gonna do -- He's on uke, I'm on drums.
"Now, 'ukulele' is Hawaiian..."
Now, "ukulele" is Hawaiian...
"...for gay guitar." [ Laughs ]
Say it, say it!
...for "gay guitar."
[ Both laugh ]
A happy guitar -- a little happy one.
Yes, you have a question?
You have a ukulele? Oh, you play the gay guitar.
[ Both laugh ]
Q: All right, Joe, pick up that drum and join him.
Jam out, you two, Hawaiian-style.
Murr: [ Singing mock Hawaiian ]
♪♪
Dak-dah!
[ Laughter ]
Dak-dah!
[ Both laugh ]
You look insane! You look insane!
Dak-dah!
[ Continues singing ]
Hak-dah! Hak-dah!
[ Laughter ]
Joe, throw a pineapple at Murray, up in the tree.
Just throw a pineapple up at Murray.
Oh, [bleep].
Aah!
You [bleep].
[ Laughter ] Ow!
He almost knocked me out of the tree!
-Ow! -You all right, Little Coconut?
-I'm good, Big Kahuna.
♪♪
Let's bring out the first animal, shall we?
"The first animal is my personal favorite.
It's an adorable ferret."
Crowd: Aww. Q: Aww.
It's an adorable ferret.
Hey, ferret. Hey, buddy.
Many people have ferrets as pets.
It has sharp talons and claws.
[ Laughs ] "Careful -- they spray."
Heart's going a mile and minute, and apparently they spray.
[ Laughter ]
Joe: They love when you put them on your shoulder.
And they love when you put them on your shoulder.
[ Laughs ] Joe: "Like so."
-like...so. -Oh, yeah, he peed.
-He peed? -He peed.
Joe: [ Laughs ]
All right, all right, come here, I got him.
Oh, there.
Let's hear it for the ferret, everybody.
[ Applause ] Mwah.
You're a cute animal.
All right, let's bring out the next animal.
[ Audience murmurs ]
[ Laughter ]
Murr: "This is an Argentinian tegu lizard."
Oh, my goodness, it's an Argentinean tegu lizard.
[ Laughter ]
You got to get him there. I don't have to do anything.
[ Laughter ]
It's from Argentina.
Murr: "Like the ferret, they also love shoulders."
Like a ferret, they also like to go
[Sighs] and hang out on my shoulders.
[ Chuckling ] Let's see you put him on your shoulder, bud.
So...
That tongue hits your ear, huh?
[ Laughter ] Joe: Look at Sal!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Okay, guy! Okay, guy!
Okay!
You know what it is? Aah! You know what it is?
I haven't seen him in a month. I've been in Africa on safari.
[ Laughter ]
Let's bring out my next animal.
This is gonna be the best moment of my life.
[ Audience murmurs ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-It's a red-tailed hawk. -Red-tailed hawk!
[ Laughter ]
Look at the size of it!
[ Laughs ] Look at the size of it.
No, you know what it is? I've been away for a month.
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckling ] "In the safari."
This is --
This is a red-tailed hawk.
[ Laughs nervously ]
We also have a peregrine falcon coming out
to meet you guys today.
Joe: Look how scared he is!
Murr: Why don't you copy him, Q?
[ Laughter ]
Is this bird -- Is this bird facing my face?
Joe: Yeah, it's staring at your face.
Sal: Can you not do that?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my God! [Bleep]
Buddy, sweet -- Help me! Help me!
Help me, guy! The guy!
Help me with the guy!
Is the guy here?
Please, guy!
I've been in Africa!
[ Laughter ]
Joe: [ Laughing ] "Thanks for coming.
Enjoy your day at the zoo."
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
Joe: Here we go.
Q: All right, Gatto.
Joe: Uh, there's a spot right here.
What's up, guys?
I'm gonna conk out real quick.
[ Sighs ]
I'm just gonna conk out real quick.
[ Grunts ]
[ Laughter ]
Look, he just took over their towel.
What do you do with a guy like this?
Sal: [ Laughs ]
It's better the other way, actually.
She's not saying a [Bleep]damn word.
Not saying a word.
You know what? The other way is better.
[ Laughter ]
Now he's rubbing it in our face.
This guy is planking. [ Chuckles ]
His face is directly in the sand like an ostrich.
Planking, bro?
[ Laughter ]
Planks a lot, man, for letting me chill here.
[ Laughter ]
Tom Planks in "Cast Away" over here.
[ Laughter ]
"Young Plank-enstein." [ Laughter ]
Wait, so, not only has he succeeded
and he got the towel,
now he's just roasting people.
-Thanks, guys. -That's it. That's Joe Gatto.
I don't want to forget my towels.
-He's taking the towel! -He's taking the towel!
[ Laughs ]
Oh, oh, oh!
[ Laughs ]
Oh, that's yours. Oh, okay, here you go.
Got it. There you go. [ Laughter ]
♪♪
-The Bog Monster has come home. -That's it, buddy.
Don't know if you can see him through the camouflage,
but he's right there.
I'm gonna die of heat stroke.
So, you're a big attraction
on the tour that's about to come through.
A tour is gonna come through here?
Yes, and they're going to see
the rare Bog Monster of Louisiana.
And we're just gonna walk you through.
Whatever we say, the Bog Monster does.
These guys are --
I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it!
Ohh!
[ Laughs ]
Oh, God.
Why are you -- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
[ Laughs ]
Oh, my God!
All right, all right, let's bring on them tourists!
Here they come. Sal, hide back there, bud.
Oh, I hate bugs. I hate [Bleep] bugs.
There's all sorts of [Bleep] weird fish and organisms!
Ladies and gentlemen,
you are in for the treat of treats.
Oh, God.
The rarest of all creatures lives in this swamp,
and we like to call it the Bog Monster of Louisiana.
Some say he came from Italy.
[ Insect buzzing ]
Some say he came from Spain.
Most people think it's Mexico -- the Mexican Bog Monster.
It's the Bog Monster making an appearance!
Wow! What a treat!
Look at him in his natural habitat.
[ Groans ]
[ Laughter ]
I mean, ask yourself, "What does a Bog Monster eat?"
His absolute favorite is fish.
Oh, raw fish.
I'm gonna throw it at him,
and let's watch as he consumes it.
Go get it!
Go get it, Bog Monster! Get it! Get it!
Go get it, Bog Monster! Get it!
Aaaaaaah! [ Growls ]
Get it, Bog Monster!
[ Shrieking ]
Uh-oh.
Oh, my [Bleep] God! Oh, my [Bleep] God!
Oh, my God! What's that?! Oh, my God!
Alligator.
[ Laughter ]
[ Whimpers ]
Get back! Get back!
Oww! [Bleep]
It's not a helmet? No!
He's getting tired.
You can tell that the Bog Monster's tired.
Most people want to know how he sleeps.
It's very weird how he rests.
He actually puts his whole body underwater,
up to his chin, all the way
to expose just -- just his head.
Q: Right there. Just his head.
See? He's going in for a rest.
There he goes. Oh, taking a nap.
Ignoring the leeches, the -- the fish, the parasites.
All the way down. There he goes.
Aww, look at the Bog Monster.
Oh, but, see, now, the warm water --
it affects the Bog Monster, and, actually,
it's some form of arousal sometimes,
where he'll stand up and start doing his mating dance,
which is quite effeminate.
It's an effeminate mating dance.
I'm gonna kill you three.
[ Laughter ]
[ Burlesque music plays ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Music continues ]
Yeah! There he goes.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
It's attracted a mate!
Murr: It attracted another Bog Monster
with the mating dance!
A second Bog Monster! We've never seen this before!
[ Applause ]
Sal: This is the worst day of my life.
[ Laughter ]
Bye, guys!
There he goes. Ohh.
Go bog yourself.
Ohh!
♪♪
All: Geronimo!
[ Screaming ]
Oh, my God!
[ Screaming ]
That was scary just watching it.
Just watching Murray jump.
Oh, my God. Terrified.
Murr: [ Screaming ]
Oh, oh. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Did the parachute go up?
Don't drop me, man. -I'm not gonna drop you.
Don't drop me. I'm not gonna fall?
-You're not falling, man. -Holy [bleep]
I need three new best friends.
Aah!
[ Whimpering ]
♪♪
Q: Hey, buddy!
You're all getting a punch.
What do you mean, I'm getting a punch?
You're getting it, so accept it and move on.
You got punished. What are you talking about?
Step out and accept it. [ Laughs ] Look.
[ Laughter ]
Murr: Not getting out of this.
Come here. Come here. Q: No! No! No!