[ Laughter ]
[ Screams ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good cat?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cymbals clash ]
[ Laughter ]
Today, we're posing as trainees
at Playa Bowls in Bayonne.
While learning the job, we'll have to do
and say whatever the other guys tell us to.
At the end of the training session,
we'll ask the trainer to rank us on a scale from 1 to 10.
Whoever gets the lowest ranking loses.
Sal: Come on out, Murr.
[ Laughter ]
Q: Come on.
This is not the accounting department, buddy.
You're actually just in the trenches.
He thought he was being hired by corporate.
How are you? Hi. I'm Claudia James.
Claudia James. Yes. Nice to meet you.
I'm slightly embarrassed.
I thought I had gotten hired to,
like, work in a corporate office for Playa Bowls.
I feel a little embarrassed. Everybody has T-shirts on.
Is that okay?
Put it on right over it.
I'll just put it right over. It's fine.
Yeah, it's totally fine. It doesn't matter.
This suit jacket is under. The jacket is great.
So how does how does Playa Bowls work?
So our founders used to go surfing in like
Nicaragua and like all those...
They surfed in Nicaragua?
Yeah. Wow.
There's something about his face, body, personality.
Like you could tell him to say anything,
and it makes me laugh.
It's just I haven't worked
a counter job since I was a child.
As a child in Nicaragua.
You've been to Nicaragua?
I have. Have you been? No.
Oh, my gosh, you have to go.
I try to get back to "Ragua" anytime.
You know, I try to get back to Ragua any chance I can get.
You have to go.
It's what they call it for short?
Yeah. Ragua, Gua.
Ragua. Gua.
You can cut the word in many ways.
[ Laughter ]
I thought you were in charge.
It's not my shop, so...
Yeah, but she comes barging in in the middle of our training.
She runs this place?
Excuse me. We're training. Excuse me. We're training.
We're training.
It's okay.
Sal: I just want to be excellent.
You know what it is? I yearn to be excellent.
[ Phone ringing ]
Q: Can somebody get that phone?
Can somebody get the phone?
[ Laughter ]
Well, just because you're the boss doesn't mean
you can't be told to go scratch every once in a while.
You know, just because you're the boss,
though, doesn't mean you can't be told
to go scratch every once in a while, you know?
Mm, but maybe not with those words.
Maybe. But maybe. Maybe you use those words.
No, don't say that. Maybe we do that, though.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe we do that.
[ Laughter ]
When you're from the Gua, you call it straight.
I swallowed a pineapple whole.
[ Laughter ]
You seem insane.
Murr, just ask her how you're doing so far.
On a scale of 1 to 10,
how do you think I'm doing so far as an employee?
6.5. 6.5? Okay.
That is so much better than he deserves.
Yeah.
They should hire us for a national ad campaign.
Yeah, it should be me.
It wouldn't be you.
I'm the healthiest looking one.
You could Frankenstein a perfect
spokesperson from us.
It'd be Sal's hair.
Your body, my dick. We're ready to go.
[ Laughter ]
Okay. All right. All right, Q-bert.
And your name is Morgan? Morgan.
I want to thank you for not making it weird.
No. Of course.
It's just crazy that they have you training
your replacement.
It's just crazy that they have you training
your replacement, it's odd.
Oh. Oh, forget I said anything.
Forget it. I must have misunderstood something.
[ Laughter ]
So you can get your gloves on.
Okay. I got this.
Is your hand still wet?
It doesn't feel like it.
What do you mean?
So if I touch my own clothes, I got to wash my hands?
You can't touch your face, you can't touch your hair, nothing.
Okay. Hold on, hold on.
Alright, touch your beard and say, "Okay, now let's do this."
All right. Okay. So what are we doing?
You just touched your face.
What do you mean? No. I saw it.
I didn't touch my face. What are you talking about?
Murr: Go wash your hands again.
Oh, my God.
Then come back and put your hands through your hair.
Okay.
Let's do it. Let's...All right.
Okay. Here we go. Okay. All right, here we go.
Um...
I hate to tell you this.
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh. Have you had the mango globo?
Have you had the
mango globo by any chance?
I personally don't like mango.
You don't like mango?
I think the mango global [bleep]
Morgan: Now that you work here, you can have it.
You don't think the mango global [bleep]
It [bleep] so good.
[ Laughter ]
Murr: You ever wish you were a fruit?
You ever wish you were a fruit?
No. No.
Sometimes I wish I was a mango.
Why a mango?
'Cause it [bleep]
[ Laughter ]
Dude, you want to get a score from her?
Like, how would you say I'm doing on a scale
of 1 to 10 so far?
I'll give you... I'll give you a six.
What?! Oh [bleep]
Come on! Deal.
No. Oh.
Elbow. Yeah!
Sorry. Was it Malachi? Malachi.
Nice to meet you. Okay.
Sal, just so you know, like you are getting married tonight.
Do you know what time we would wrap up this shift?
Because I'm getting married tonight.
You're getting married tonight?
Yeah, I just wanted to squeeze in
the Playa Bowls training pre-wedding.
Usually training's like five, four hours.
I might miss the cocktail hour.
Oh. So I might miss the cocktail...
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
This is the cocoa craze, right?
Okay. So this is the cocoa craze.
Yeah, this is the coconut.
This is so hard.
[ Laughter ]
Q: That's your go to every time you get overwhelmed.
Oh, you're weighing it? Wait.
There's granola in there, and you're weighing it.
And it still says zero?
Yeah, 'cause you turn it off first.
Okay.
This is confusing.
Put a period between the words.
If you're off a little, you take some back out.
Yeah, take some out.
Catchphrase, yeah.
Invite him to the wedding, Sal.
And then also, like,
obviously, I want you to come to my wedding.
I obviously want you to come to my wedding
if we're going to spend this whole shift.
I mean, I appreciate the offer, but...
If you don't have plans, I could use a...
Groomsman?
Best man.
[ Sighs ] Well...
[ Laughter ]
Sal: If you don't have plans, I could use a...
Groomsman?
Murr: Best man.
A groomsman, a best man.
You don't have a groomsman?
Well, if we're gonna spend the whole shift together,
I'm just saying.
Okay, so let's do this.
[ Laughter ]
Is it okay to touch the customers?
Under what circumstances can we touch customers?
Not at all. Not at all?
So there's not a circumstance where I can touch them?
I mean...
I'll tell you right now, Malachi.
I'm gonna touch 'em.
I just feel like
I'll tell you right now...
What?
...I'm gonna touch 'em.
[ Laughter ]
I'm gonna touch 'em, the customers.
I'm gonna touch 'em.
I mean...
[ Laughter ]
Sorry. I'm just nervous. I'm getting married tonight.
Yeah, I understand.
No, I saved myself for marriage.
And tonight's the night.
I save myself. Huh?
I saved myself for marriage.
Oh. So tonight is it.
Oh, this is it? Yeah.
Well...
You know, 'cause tonight...
[ Laughter ]
Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
If you had to rate me, like, 1 to 10,
how I performed?
Like 3.
A 3?!
Oh! Suck me [bleep]
I'll miss the cocktail hour,
but I should be [bleep] my wife by about 11:30.
[ Ding! ]
Narrator: Looks like Sal just picked up another shift
on the loser board.
Today we're at Olly Olly,
giving out cards for our weird businesses,
which of course have been created by the other guys.
After handing them our business card,
we'll have to convince them why they'd benefit
from whatever service it is that we offer.
If you can't get someone
to keep your business card, you lose!
Murr: All right, Q, go for this guy in the green hat. Okay?
They tell you you're enjoying drinks,
but they ain't open yet.
I came in for a beer. They're not even open yet.
Yeah, I know. I'm Tony, by the way.
Nice to meet you guys.
But yeah, here's actually my card.
Uh...
Professional rascal, my friends.
[ Laughter ]
Well, let me ask you.
Do you have a need for a rascal in your life?
Oh. You don't? No? No need at all?
Really? Because sometimes, like, guys go to, like, Atlantic City,
they're like, "Ah, we're all a little boring.
Let's get a professional rascal in here to mix things up."
I'm the straw that stirs the drink.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah. And I do it professionally.
[ Laughter ]
You know, the Obamas almost at a show on me.
Yeah.
A little too controversial?
I did take the rascling a little too far
in a government situation,
and the Secret Service didn't like it so much.
But I said, "Hey, you hire rascal, get a rascal,
you know what I'm saying?"
So the Obama deal fell through.
[ Laughter ]
You two look like you need my services.
You guys are so laid back.
You guys look like you need a rascal.
Really?
I think this guy is sewed into the couch.
Bro, are you sewed into the couch?
You got to get up. You got a rascal...
There we go.
No, no, no, no.
I work very hard, and I have a cold.
Oh. What do you guys do?
Horticulture.
Oh, my God, that's so amazing.
I'm a whore for culture, too.
But I always say I'm a whore for culture, too.
So I get it.
That's the sort of rascally stuff
that you're going to get from me all night, see?
[ Laughter ]
You want to take the card just in case?
He will.
Oh!
Hey! All right.
Murr: Good job, Q.
I can tell we're gonna have some fun.
Good luck.
Good luck for the horticulture, guys.
Talk to you guys later.
[ Laughter ]
[ Ding! ]
Excuse me, sir. I saw you from across the bar.
I'm a businessman. I own a business.
I'm a businessman, I do business, I own a business.
And I thought it might be helpful to you.
I pay cash for mole.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, some people pay cash for houses or for cars.
I pay cash for mole.
Do you have any you think would be useful?
What is mole?
A mole, a mole, a mole.
You know, like a mole.
Like a mole. It's like a mole.
Say it three times fast. He'll get it.
Like a mole, mole, mole. Like you say it three times fast.
You'll get it. Like a mole, mole.
Like a mole. Like a mole, you know a mole. Like a mole.
It's a mole. I pay cash for mole.
You got a mole, I pay cash.
Sure.
I'll pay you cash right now if you got the mole.
Why do you get cash for moles?
Well, that's my business, not yours.
Okay. No. Sure. Yeah, that's my business.
And I'm very successful.
I'm very successful.
Really?
Actually, something I've been meaning to, um...
I work for the city, so I just got new, like, insurance.
You've been meaning to get cash for mole?
Hold on.
You've been meaning to get cash for mole?
Not get cash for it.
Is this not serendipity?
It is. We're meant -- you'll take it.
All right. Great. Great. Great, great.
Wow!
Could I see, get a glimpse of the merchandise,
as they say?
Q: Oh, ka-ching.
Ka ching, ka ching, ka ching.
You are gonna make us both rich.
[ Ding! ]
All right, ready, boys?
Murr: Oh, yeah.
Q: I couldn't be more ready. Here we go.
This gentlemen.
If you don't mind, I don't mean to interrupt you mid-bite.
Uh, I have a business that I thought
that maybe you might be interested in.
I'm a...
[ Laughter ]
I have a business you might be interested in.
I'm a...I'm a Michael Jordan impersonator and lookalike.
[ Laughter ]
I do, like, bachelor parties,
children's parties, athletic events.
Like I do like the, you know, like the...
I don't look like him now.
I don't look like him now, but I have a process that I do.
It's not offensive.
[ Laughter ]
And it involves his uniform.
And then it also involves sneakers.
Um, a basketball.
Man: And I dunk like a mother [bleep]
A change in mind set. I dunk like a mother [bleep]
And then, also...
I do have a bald cap.
I have a bald cap.
You're skirting around the big issue, buddy.
And then there's like one more secret,
like, thing that I do last.
Yeah, he keeps skirting around.
If you, um... if you have any need ever.
He's the greatest of all time.
He's the GOAT, his airness, you know.
And I swear,
if I did everything, including that last step...
And I walked in here, I would be swarmed.
The last step is proprietary information.
The last step is... the last step is proprietary, what I do.
It's like a secret recipe.
Just imagine... 23 herbs and spices...
Just imagine... ...I mix together.
Just imagine... Shut the [bleep] up, Murray.
[ Laughter ]
Just imagine the uniform, the sneakers, the ball,
the attitude, the tongue, and then number 23.
And then that last proprietary step.
[ Laughter ]
It's like the colonel's secret recipe.
I can't tell you what it is,
but I did mention -- I mentioned the bald cap.
The bald cap.
If you need anybody of this nature,
I'm like one of the only people that do it.
Okay. Thank you.
Have a wonderful day. You too.
It's a pleasure to meet you. Pleasure to meet you.
He took the card!
[ Laughter ]
Murr: That last tricky step.
Just keep mentioning this vague last step that will never...
Thinks he knows the last step.
[ Ding! ] That was great.
Narrator: All the cards are on the table,
and Sal is tonight's big loser.
All right, Sal has lost.
We are here at Acting and Voice Studios in Brooklyn,
where Mr. Bong is going to be recording a new series
of self-defense training videos.
Who's Mr. Bong? Me?
You are.
[ Laughter ]
Bong!
That's it, that's it.
All right, Mr. Bong. Start your self-defense class.
We wrote your intro, bud.
Hello? I'm Eddie Bongiorno.
But those who know me well call me Mr. Bong.
I'm a former Navy Seal with over six years in the Teams.
These videos will teach you not only how to defend yourself.
Can I make a suggestion?
Oh, what is that?
Pretend you're talking to me or somebody else.
You're getting notes.
Sure. To establish.
Yeah. Think of you.
So it feels a little more familiar.
You can look at me.
Sure, sure, sure, sure.
To assist me first, I will bring in Marilyn.
I don't start fights. I finish them to death.
I don't start fights. I finish fights...to death.
Now notice something. Marilyn is holding a wine glass.
Q: That's a weapon. That's a weapon right there.
Sal, you want to pick up the corkscrew?
But I need my own weapon.
I've already assessed this room and know
that the bartender had just opened a bottle of Chardonnay,
which means that there is a corkscrew right here.
So she's going to hit me here.
I slap this down, and I'm going bong in the eyes.
I go bong in the neck, bong nose, bong ears, bong...
All the orifices.
And all the privates. All the orifices.
I want to stick this corkscrew into every orifice that...
You think she's going to take a swing back.
You think she's going to take a...
[ Laughter ]
I'm going to want to drive this corkscrew into,
at this point, if I'm being attacked with glass,
every orifice Marilyn has.
So, do you think...
So let me just think.
I want to say what... Okay.
Do you think she's taking another punch
with a corkscrew in her anus?
Okay.
[ Laughter ]
Do you think Marilyn will be able to take another swing at me
once this corkscrew is up her anus?
No. She has bigger problems.
That's all your defenseless orifices.
Marilyn, it's all about her anus.
[ Laughs ]
His only approach is putting things in people's anus.
That's all he can do.
That's your only defense.
It always ends up there.
It always ends with something up someone's anus.
[ Laughter ]
That's the Bong method.
Alright, hold on. [bleep]
My glasses.
Before I light Marilyn on fire,
keep in mind what I want to do here.
Because there's three things I could do.
I know the end. I know the end.
[ Laughter ]
Let's just say now we're in a high pressure situation, okay?
It's just hand to hand combat.
I'm going to try to slip back out of the way.
Now, he has a lot of areas exposed,
but he's expecting me to hit him from here.
Sal, drop to the ground.
What I'm going to do is spin.
I'm going to drop. I'm going to go right here.
I'm going to go boom, boom, bong, bong, bong,
bong, bong, bong, bong...
Now he's on his way down to Floor Town.
Now he's on his way down to Floor Town. Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna keep hitting his Honey Bunches of Oats.
And now while he's here, I'll just turn over and be like,
bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong.
All right, Sal, let's move on to the hospital.
We're going to be doing a surprise attack
in a medical situation.
Sal, put the guy into the hospital bed.
Garrick, let's have you in the hospital bed.
And Carol's attacking. You're visiting your husband.
Woman: I think maybe you're visiting your husband.
Visiting my husband? Okay, great.
[ Laughter ]
Q: He stepped on a landmine.
He stepped on a landmine.
Oh, okay. So...
Okay, um...
Am I gonna say anything?
Right now, I think you're just going to be...
Just "I love you."
[ Laughter ]
And action.
What's the first thing you remember before it happened?
Do you remember who I am?
Q: Do you remember our first date?
You don't.
So you don't remember our first...date?
Our first kiss.
Do you remember that we live together.
We just found a beautiful place
On Long Beach Island.
It's a co-op.
We got a favorable mortgage rate.
Long Beach Island, it was a co-op.
We got a favorable mortgage rate.
We signed a 15-year variable at 4.25,
which in today's market is insane.
Do you remember me kissing the nape of your neck
on our first date?
You don't remember our first evening together even?
No. Okay.
Murr: I had Merlot.
Tell me what you remember.
I nuzzled in the nape of your neck.
About anything.
When the [bleep] is this assassin coming in?
Murr: Carol is still sitting there as an assassin.
Okay, you don't remember that thing I do that drives you wild?
Q: Send in the assassin. Murr: Cue Carol.
Bong!
Q: Send in the assassin.
Murr: Cue Carol.
Bong!
Shhhhhhh.
So now she's discombobulated.
The last thing I want to do
is probably a full body attack, right?
Nose, nipples, nuts. That's the rhombus of death.
So I'm gonna go bong, bong, bong, bong, bong.
Rhombus of death. Rhombus of death, right?
You got nose, nips, nuts.
[ Laughter ]
So what happened here? Carol didn't have a weapon.
Okay? Carol, can you pick a weapon that you like over there?
Action!
Okay. Now I'm being... I feel a presence behind me.
Okay, so now I'm being now pulled back.
She's got piano wire.
The piano wire is around my neck fairly tight.
Remember Mr. Bong's rhombus of death
is nose nips nuts or... or similar.
Right? So what I can reach for is similar.
Goes right for Carol's nuts.
So I'm not getting nose. I'm not getting nips.
I'm going to go right down to similar,
and I'm going to like start just...
[ Laughter ]
All right, Sal, let's move on to the kitchenette scene,
and let's bring everyone in.
And now for the greatest fear of every American --
gangs, a ruthless, ruthless gang.
Every one of them has a weapon.
Q: Let's get this started.
I'm stepping. I'm side stepping.
I'm hitting the gun this way.
Taking them from behind.
I take this, and then bong, bong, bong.
[ Laughter ]
He has -- I swipe back, Bong. I blow his [bleep] brains out.
Boxing.
Bong! [bleep] Bong!
Bong! Bong! Bong!
[bleep]
Bong!
Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!
Aah!
Snap his neck.
Aaaah! Bong!
[ Laughter ]
When push comes to push,
even the elderly can be a threat.
Snap their neck. Bong!
Ladies, listen up. Never leave the house
without a pocket full of sand.
Bong! Bong!
If you're like me, you're cool and calm.
But also on edge 24/7!
Bong! Bong!
You heard about registering your hands and deadly weapons?
Well, I looked into it. It's actually a lot of red tape.
I could do it, but seriously, it's a lot of paperwork
that you have to do online,
and I'm in between computers at the moment.