[ laughter ]
[ screaming ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good cat?
[ laughter ]
[ chuckles ]
[ laughter ]
Today we're playing waiters at the colonial diner.
And we'll be offering customers
The special of the day.
The catch is, those strange specials
Have been written by the other guys.
And if you can't get someone to order one of them, you lose.
I'll have what he's having.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!!
[ laughs ] too real.
And, now, do I button this button?
Is this too deep of a "v" for a waiter?
No, we need ratings.
I wish there was one more button you could put down. Yeah.
Can you cut open another button?
Yeah. That's it. Wait.
We have live ratings happening right now.
They're going up.
[ both laugh ]
Hello, guys. How are you today?
You know, we're doing some dessert specials.
Yeah. Let me read you what we have.
Uh, we do have a sorbet,
But the sorbet is wild-caught.
So that's a wild-caught sorbet
And it's in a vegan-free glob.
[ laughs ]
Lemon cake? Let me see.
We have a buffalo ice cream suck-down.
[ murr and q laugh ]
Um, oriental muffin honks are great.
[ murr and q laugh ]
And then you got the bumbaclot pudding.
[ murr and q laugh ]
We got decommissioned christ wafers.
[ murr and q laugh ]
They're decommissioned. Okay? So they weren't blessed.
Now, if you want something sweet,
The ice-cold banana nightmare.
[ murr and q laugh ]
And then, of course, is -- now, this is --
This is a cool take on a dessert.
It's dessert shrimp fingered beyond recognition.
[ laughs ]
[ murr and q laugh ]
Sal: Hello, ladies. How are you today?
We have a couple specials today, if you want to know those.
Yeah, sure. Here we go.
Okay, so we have an unaccompanied dove
And that's with sea sauce.
Dove?!
Yeah. It's unaccompanied.
We do have a smart chicken.
Do you know they do the smart chickens now?
We have smart chicken. It'll be boiled --
Um, boiled in its own electrolytes.
[ murr and q laugh ]
It's like an au jus. Like, um -- like a confit.
And then the admiral's nest.
If you're looking for chicken,
We have the admiral's nest special.
That'll be three beaks served over warm bread.
[ murr and q laugh ]
This one, I --
No one's ordered it today and I haven't tasted it,
So I don't know, but it seems interesting.
Gallstone pie with green cream.
[ murr and q laugh ]
What -- what is green cream?
Which one would you recommend?
I would tell you -- when they used to have
The dove accompanied, I loved it.
Now that it's unaccompanied,
I feel like it's just left to shine.
Sounds that way.
Dessert -- just so you know later --
We do have a blue...
What kind of dessert do you have?
We have a blue raspberry lobster squeezy.
[ murr and q laugh ]
[ laughing ] lobster squeezy.
Okay. Okay.
Oh-ho! Q: Come on, man.
It's got everything you love --
Lobster, squeezing, blue, and raspberry.
Listen, no one's gonna turn down lobster.
[ ding! ]
Sal: All righty. Hey, fellas. Hey.
Did anybody come over and get you guys anything yet?
Okay, you guys know what you want to drink?
Murr: All right, buddy. Here we go.
Give me a diet whatever. Diet whatever.
You got it.
[ laughing ] diet whatever.
That was on our menu. [ laughs ]
And did anybody give you the specials today?
Uh, no. Oh, we got some good ones today.
We have the hammer- slammed hen shards,
Uh, for lunch.
That's till 3:00. So we got time for that.
Uh, that is where they take a hen and smash it with a hammer.
And then the pieces that come off,
They fry up, and then they serve.
So they just -- they just hammer it.
[ laughs ]
They have the btk,
Where they re-create every detail
Of the btk killer's final meal.
Murr: [ laughs ]
"fellas, it's pot roast."
It's just pot roast.
[ sal and murr laugh ]
Uh, we got, um...
Oh, the crab raccoon.
[ sal and murr laugh ]
Murr: [ laughing ] crab raccoon.
Yeah. Okay.
So it's like crab rangoon,
But there's a little raccoon mixed in that.
So that's -- that's only this week.
Murr: This guy's loving it.
Yeah. Crab raccoon.
Am I sensing a little interest in the crab raccoon?
[ sal and murr laugh ]
Crab raccoon? Man: That'd be good.
Well, there's more.
Okay. Ocean loaf.
[ murr laughs ]
What is ocean loaf?
Yeah, that's a great question.
It is the meat loaf of the sea.
And that is basically everything --
Everything we have left over from the fish dishes,
We mold them together. It's an of--
Crush it into a rectangular...
You got it.
You're lucky if there's any left, actually.
That whole table over there ordered nothing but ocean loaf.
[ laughs ]
And then, finally, we got the...
Slow-slaughtered turkey moms.
Now, that's exactly as described.
We take mother hens -- mother turkeys,
And we kill them slowly.
"they're killed slowly but flash-fried."
They're killed slowly,
But flash-fried, so it locks in the death pheromones.
And that juxtaposition,
It makes for just the most tasty lunch
You guys are gonna have.
Yeah. In fact, I would go with that over the ocean loaf.
"'cause when I got here, she was still dying."
Yeah. [ laughing ] when I got here --
When I got here, the turkey mom was still being put to death.
Ah.
[ sal and murr laugh ]
I could get you out a free sample
Of the crab raccoon if you want.
You wanna try it?
Yeah? You're gonna try some crab raccoon?
A-ha! Ah! Ohhhh!
Somebody knows the delicious part.
[ ding! ]
Murr: Nicely done, buddy.
Uh, my name's james, by the way.
Uh, before I take your order,
Can I interest you in some of our specials?
Do you mind if I run through them real quick?
Okay. Might as well confuse us.
Yeah. [ laughs ]
Oh, you don't even know the half of it, lady.
[ both laugh ]
The first special we have is, um,
Captivity-caught salmon, served bareback.
[ sal and q laugh ]
That's not confusing. Right?
It's captivity-caught salmon, served bareback.
Okay. Okay.
So there's salmon on a farm.
It's in captivity. Yeah.
And it's served bareback.
So there's no protection on that salmon whatsoever. Got you.
"you're gonna be raw-dogging that salmon."
It's a -- it's just raw-dog salmon
Right there on your plate. Woman: Yeah, but I'm...
I'm not going there, so...
Yeah, you're not going there? Okay. You don't want that.
Yeah. You're not in a salmon mood? No. Okay.
Okay. We also have, uh -- we have a fish moron on toast.
[ sal and q laugh ]
Have you had fish moron? No.
Yeah, I mean, there's one on every menu.
[ sal and q laugh ]
Who figures out these menus?
[ sal and q laugh ]
Okay. And then we also have italian-irish chicken sloppies.
[ sal and q laugh ]
Italian-irish chicken sloppies.
I just want to stick with what we thought we would get.
Oh, my god, ladies! Yeah.
You have to try a chicken sloppy.
This isn't looking good for you, buddy.
Okay, well, let me go through the desserts, as well.
We have some gaylord perry's famous wet cheeseness.
Wet cheeseness?
Yeah, wet cheeseness.
You know what wet cheeseness is?
No. Cheese-ness?
No. And you know gaylord perry.
No. God. Right down on u.S. 1.
He's got that shop.
He's got that shop -- gaylord perry's. Woman #2: Oh, no. That's okay.
We don't usually eat dessert anyway. Yeah.
Okay, so we also have one other entrée special today.
You have to get this one!
[ sal and q laugh ]
Okay, so we also have one other entrée special today.
You have to get this one!
[ sal and q laugh ]
Q: Murray, you're wearing them down.
Promise me that you're gonna try donnie's dirty chicken,
Which is charred, choked, and creamed
In a chunky blumpkin gravy, served with a hot fork.
"served with a hot fork."
I'm gonna try the beef reuben.
It's got -- you want a reuben?
You have to try it. It's served with a hot fork.
It's charred, choked, and creamed
In a chunky blumpkin gravy, served with a hot fork.
It's donnie's dirty chicken.
"you've never had blumpkin gravy with a hot fork?"
Wait a second.
Do you mean to tell me neither of you
Have ever had blumpkin gravy served with a hot fork?
You never even heard of it. You've never heard...
Sal: "there's also grilled cheese."
Oh, wait. Oh, we also have grilled cheese.
[ sal and q laugh ]
Oh, well, that's what judy's having. What kind of grilled cheese do you have?
Oh, you're interested in grilled cheese?
Yeah. [ sal and q laugh ]
I'm offering you blumpkin gravy with a hot fork,
And you're only interested in grilled cheese?
[ buzzer ]
Q: You're done, dude.
Narrator: Murr couldn't dish out any specials,
Making him first up on the loser board.
Today we're biking through hoboken, new jersey.
But, oh, lord jesus, we fell off our bikes, jesus!
And we need a good samaritan to help us out.
However, when that someone comes to check on you,
The other guys are gonna force us to be so rude and off-putting
That the good samaritan will not want to help you out.
If somebody does not help you up because of something
The other guys told you to say, you lose.
Ain't nobody got time for that.
Lord help me, jesus. Wh--
♪♪
Sal likes bike riding. Does he?
He does. I wouldn't think so.
You wouldn't think so? No.
He doesn't seem like he would balance well.
Just rode it down the steps.
[ q and murr laugh ]
Aah! Oh, boy.
Shit! Dude, help me out. Dude.
Dude, help me out?
[ q and murr laugh ]
He gets farther and farther away from you.
Oh, no! Ah!
Here comes a superhero... Yeah.
...With guns out coming to help you, sal.
I think I did something with a meniscus.
"oh, I bet you think you're so great helping." oh.
All right, I'll give you this one.
I bet you think you're so great helping me. [ laughs ]
"who dressed you? A 9-year-old with a vendetta?"
Who dressed you? A 9-year-old with a vendetta?
"just so you know,
I'm not into whatever religious crap you're gonna try
And peddle after this."
Just so you know, I'm not into whatever religious crap
You're gonna try and peddle me after this.
[ q and murr laugh ]
"yikes. Who did your bangs?"
Oh, my god. Yikes. Who did those bangs?
[ q and murr laugh ]
"of course he goes for the bike."
Of course he goes for the bike and not help me.
Aah!
[ q and murr laugh ]
"hey, what's your name, man?"
Hey, what's your name, buddy?
"ick. Terrible name." sam? Ick.
Terrible name. Okay. Yeah.
Aaaah!
[ q and murr laugh ]
I know your kind.
Oh, I know your [laughing] kind.
"watch it, dork."
Come on. Watch it, dork.
Come on.
Ah! We threw everything at him. Ah, god. Ah, man.
You helped me despite how many times I've insulted you.
[ laughs ]
Take the fall.
Oh! Aah!
Aah! Damn it!
"I don't want your help!"
You all right, though? Yeah.
I don't want your help!
Oh. Please. No, no.
[ q and murr laugh ]
No! Don't touch my bike! Ah, don't touch my bike.
Don't touch my bike! Aah! Help, help! Ah!
Help me. Help me, please. Help me.
Okay. I don't know what you want right now.
I want you to help me I want you to help me.
Murr: "I don't like you!"
I don't like you!
Aah! Aah!
[ q and murr laugh ]
Okay. Okay. All right.
"where you gotta go?!"
-All right. One... -[ laughs ]
Where you gotta go?! One, two...
Aah! Aah! I need help!
You just said you didn't like me, so...
I know!
One, two...
I think you got it. Ah, there you go, buddy.
Thank you so much. Thank you. You're a gentleman.
I can't believe it, man.
We can't get a loss here.
You're too likable, buddy.
Q: All right.
[ ding! ]
Sal: All right, q.
I don't know if this is gonna work.
Oh, the brake.
Oh. Oh! So hot. Oh!
So hot.
Murr: That was so bad.
Oh!
Oh, yeah.
Having a hell of a day.
♪♪
[ hisses ]
[ hissing ]
[ laughing ] he backed away. He backed away.
[ sal and murr laugh ]
Come on, come on.
You hissed and he backed away.
Yeah, well, I don't blame him.
[ sal and murr laugh ]
Oh. Uh!
Ooh-ohh!
"before you help me, lose the toupee."
Before you help me, you gotta lose that toupee.
"I don't want it slipping off and..." you gotta lose the toupee.
I don't want it slipping off, coming in my mouth.
You gotta...
[ sal and murr laugh ]
Sal: "what's a little thing like you gonna do"
What's a little thing like you gonna do?
"I don't think you're ready for this jelly."
I don't think you're ready for this jelly!
Go. Me and you.
Murr: "next." next.
"you can't handle this, salad hands."
You can't handle this, salad hands.
All right. Okay. All right, all right. Wait, wait, wait.
"what's your full name in case you injure me further?"
What's your full name in case you injure me further?
My name is lee. Lee?
"how about "lee-ve" me alone?" oh, yeah.
"lee-ve" me alone, lee.
[ sal and murr laugh ]
Oh, my god! He still helped. Say something.
I tried. Hurl an insult.
I did! I threw a few out.
You have no problem insulting everyone all the time.
Now you're just quiet?
That's what we call, my friends, a victory.
[ ding! ]
Q: All right, murr. Murr-man.
Uh! Oh!
[ grunting ] they're not gonna help you
Because that looked faker than the moon landing.
Ah. You know...
"can you towel off before you help me, sweaty eddie?"
Can you -- whoa, whoa, whoa!
Can you towel off before you help me, sweaty eddie?
If that's...
[ sal and q laugh ]
Some-- oh. Oh!
Aw! The fricking clip!
"hey, dingus. How about a little help?"
Hey -- hey, dingus.
How about a little help here? Okay?
Dingus, if you don't mind. Thank you.
Put your stuff down, dingus. Let's go.
"oh, great. Someone with a hero complex."
Oh, great. Here we go. Someone with a hero complex.
Please, save me. Right?
"all right. Careful, princess. You'll break a nail."
Okay. All right. Careful, princess.
I don't want you to break a nail.
I mean, if you could help me, though.
I'd really appreciate the help.
[ sal and q laugh ]
You couldn't possibly insult a person more.
Uh! Uh!
[ grunting ]
Son of a bitch.
Do you want to give me a hand here, buddy?
One second. The fricking thing.
It just -- it gets locked on the...
"all right, don't touch the bike, freak."
Ooh! Don't [laughs]
Don't -- don't -- don't touch the bike, freak.
"it costs more than you make in a month."
It costs more than you make in a month.
Can you give me a hand over here real quick?
[ stammering ]
There's no way to win the game.
The game's stacked against us.
[ sal and q laugh ]
Murr: [ laughs ]
Fellas, do you see what's happening right now?
Look at the view from over here.
[ laughter ]
Murr: Fellas, do you see what's happening right now?
Just taking a brotherly stroll.
[ laughs ]
There's our boys adeev and ezra on the tandem bike.
-Look at you two. -Hey, look at this.
Look at the view from over here.
You look so graceful.
Murr, if you want them to take a turn,
They can do that, but they're gonna take your turn,
So you're gonna live and die...
Deal. ...By some potash.
I believe in them.
Here he goes. [ laughs ]
The bike is harder than the challenge.
[ laughter]
Oh, crap.
Oh, no. We're all tangled.
Sir, would you mind -- sir, would you mind helping?
No? Okay.
[ sal and q laugh ]
Oh, shoot!
Oh! Oh, god. Murr: They're really good at that fall.
Oh, my god.
Wait. Can we get your help? I'm serious.
Sal: "what's your name?" what's your name?
Zoe. Zoe.
"terrible name."
-That's a horrible name. -I'm sorry.
Just, anything with a "z" doesn't have that, like,
-Je ne sais quoi. -Here.
"lose the glasses, first terminator."
Were those glasses from the first "terminator" movie?
Did you -- were they from ebay?
Your roots are showing. I'm sorry.
Oh! All right, all right. That's -- you guys lose.
Where you going? Come back!
Sal: She's already 20 feet away.
There was no need for the last insult.
No, that one was personal. That one was personal.
[ laughter ]
Oh, shit. I just lost. Murray, that's a loss, dude.
I just lost 'cause of you guys.
[ buzzer ]
Narrator: Murr couldn't pedal his way to a win,
Making him tonight's big loser.
Well, murr lost, and for his punishment,
We're here at federal hall national memorial,
Where george washington gave the very first inaugural address.
Wow. [ whistles ] cool, right? Yes.
And in a few moments, a walking tour group is starting here.
They're taking a tour that's ending nearby at fraunces tavern
To witness a historical re-enactment.
Okay. And you, my friend,
Have the distinct honor of playing the man himself,
George washington.
Big shoes to fill. That's right, that's right.
I know it sounds fun and dandy,
But this punishment's gonna suck!
It's gonna suck!
So this historical tour just ended here at fraunces tavern.
And murray is now dressed as george washington,
But he doesn't know what he's about to do. Q: There he is.
He doesn't understand what this re-enactment is about right now.
General, please have a seat.
Also, today, we have casey narrating this re-enactment,
As well as -- all of our staff
Is in this in one way or another.
It's mid-December 1799.
Murr, this is gonna be the last few hours
Of george washington's life.
The general surveyed his farm again
And upon his return complained of a cough...
[ coughing ]
...And a hoarse voice.
[ hoarsely ] my fellow americans.
I immediately sent for the washington family physician
To tend to the ill general.
[ piano music playing ]
Doctor, please, it's urgent.
General, I came as soon as I could.
Yes, I've come ill.
You're gonna want hirudotherapy, murray.
I would like hirudotherapy.
I don't feel quite comfortable...
Be kind of an arrogant dick about it. You want it.
Sal: Insist on it.
That seems a bit extreme in this case.
Extreme? We beat the british.
Was that not extreme? All right.
We fought in order to be free men,
To make our own choice-- what, choice...
Let us begin the hirudotherapy, then.
What -- just to clarify...
[ q and sal laugh ]
...What do you interpret hirudotherapy to be?
Sir, hirudotherapy is all about releasing blood
From the body, which should help.
What? Those...
Those are...
Are those -- those are -- those are leeches?
Of course, leeches. Of course.
Those are leeches.
[ q and sal laugh ] those...
"huzzah for hirudo!"
Huzzah for hirudo!
[ laughs ]
This is how george washington actually died.
And we're hoping history repeats itself tonight.
You've done this before?
Casey: Sure. Once.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Okay.
Sal: George washington shaved his chest?
Shorn, hairless george washington.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Q: It looks like a historical-themed porn
Is about to start.
[ laugh ]
Oh.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Let's see this arm.
O-kay. Okay. Okay.
So we're just gonna -- okay.
Oh, my god, here we go.
Murr: Those are leeches? Man: Of course, leeches.
Oh.
Q: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Let's see this arm. Oh, my god. Here we go.
Okay. Okay.
Is this -- this, uh...
So we're just gonna...
Okay. Okay.
So just... Let me know once you feel it pinch you.
It doesn't seem to like me.
Sal: The leech is being repelled by murray's blood?
A bloodsucking leech gets put on murray and is like, "pass."
"no, thanks."
[ both laugh ]
Another fun leech fact --
They can suck from both sides.
Like murray.
Oh! That was something.
[ q and sal laugh ]
That's a feeling that I have not had before.
It's the feeling of healing.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Q: Oh, some woman's leaving. She's out.
Yes? Maybe, george, why don't you
Lean back a little bit? And we'll try to do a few tubes.
You're just sticking it on? Geez!
That's just -- oh, god!
Oh! Oh!
[ laughs ]
[ laughing ] look at this woman.
Oh, yes! That one's attached now, too.
Man: Okay. We have two attached.
-Ohh! -Best of luck to you, sir.
Thank you. I think -- it feels like it's going to work.
Ha ha! Oh!
And then soon, another doctor arrived to help the general.
Hello, doctor.
Man: General washington... Ooh!
...It's truly an honor to grace your presence.
Please tell me the problem.
One moment. That is...
Eww! They're alternating now.
[ stammering ]
Ooh! For a moment, they were in synchronicity.
And then now they've gone out of sync.
So it's just a perpetual crunch and crunch,
And crunch, and crunch.
"more leeches!"
More leeches is what I need!
I'd really prefer to just give you maybe a tonic.
Sal: "give me more leeches now."
I don't see how more leeches can be the...
Give me more leeches now!
Sal: Slapped, too.
Do you understand?! I'm the pres--
[ coughing ]
More leeches!
The majority of people watching are not amused.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Oh, geez. Oh, no, no. Oh, god.
Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god.
Yes, yes. Do it.
[ groans ]
An -- an -- an interesting sensation
Is having another leech put on me
When the first two are biting.
Now, a leech's saliva is --
Enough of the facts!
Yeah, sometimes they crawl around first
Until they find the exact spot that pleases them most.
Yes. Another person's leaving.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Ooh-hoo-hoo! Ooh!
Thank you so much, nurse!
Thank you for healing me. Oh-ho!
I was hoping you'd regale me, perhaps,
With the speech you gave to your troops
At the river delaware.
-"of course." -the one on horseback.
Of course. Let me just...
Ooh-hoo-hoo. Ooh.
Go ahead, murr. Give the speech you gave.
Q: [ laughs ]
Look. This woman can't look up.
Murr, go back and -- look at the shot.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Give the speech. Don't just...
Murr, give a speech.
Americans, we will not surrender.
We will not fail.
Today we celebrate our independence day.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Nice, buddy. Nice.
That speech zapped his energy,
And washington then collapsed back into bed.
♪♪
Washington called out for his beloved wife, martha,
To join him for one last dance.
Aka murray's wife, melyssa.
[ weakly ] martha, you came when I called.
My love.
[ laughing ] yes.
I'm gonna stay right here.
[ q and sal laugh ]
She wants nothing to do with him.
You've been the best part of my life.
Please stop doing things like this.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Casey: They danced late into the night,
Hitting all of general washington's
Favorite dances --
The charleston.
Q: Oh, murr. Yeah. Dance the charleston.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Casey: Walk like an egyptian.
[ q and sal laugh ]
And, of course, the new macarena.
Q: A leech fell off!
-Ah! -Oh, the --
Casey: That is sending some of the leeches off.
Q: Someone else left. [ laughs ]
Oh, there's blood on his chest.
Casey: Using the last of his strength, in order to win a bet,
George washington signaled for his beloved hula-hoop.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Go ahead, murr. You got 60 minutes.
[ q and sal laugh ]
A hula-hoop should be at the end of every punishment now.
Everything, everything. Every one of his.
[ laughing ] okay.
Oh!
Casey: All right. Let's see if you can break your old record
Of 1 minute and 20 seconds.
His bet was that he could do it for an hour straight.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
There was a lot of talk from general washington about this.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Understand -- I did it in college.
[ q and sal laugh ] I did it in college.