[ laughter ]
[ screaming ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good cat?
[ laughter ]
[ chuckles ]
[ laughter ]
Today we're joined by our dear friend and actor
Justin long. Yeah.
And we are about to compete head-to-head,
Pitching new inventions to a focus group.
The catch is, we have no idea
What the product is until the moment
That we reveal it. At the end,
We'll ask them to vote for whose product is best.
If the majority of the room
Doesn't vote for your product, you lose.
I lose? You're the new guy.
-Ooh! -Oh!
♪♪
What we're doing here today, it's a focus testing.
We're gonna show you some products
That we're working on and backing
Either financially or idea-wise.
So this first product that we're gonna ask you to comment on...
Okay.
Murr: So justin has chosen this for q.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present flagg...
With two g's.
Flagg. [ laughs ]
Talk is cheap. With flagg, it doesn't have to be.
Simply install flagg in any space you converse in,
Begin talking, and watch.
Flagg automatically lowers itself to half-mast
If your conversation becomes heavy or uncomfortable.
Justin is gonna be able to control flagg
From under the table.
Examples of words and phrases
That may trigger flagg include...
"lantern fly"...
[ sal and murr laugh ]
"legionnaires' disease"...
Like, legionnaires. There we go.
Uh, "in a better place,"
Unless you're talking about death.
Then it's down there.
[ sal and murr laugh ]
Mental load, custody battle, climate change.
Born on a factory farm. Oh, yeah.
There it goes. [ laughter ]
These are all social cues that it picks up on?
Watch. Try saying something.
Uh, my dog was sick.
And now she's doing better,
But unfortunately, I put her down.
That's crazy.
Can I be debbie downer here?
I guess so. [ laughter ]
If you're conversing with people,
You know, all you have to do is look at a person's face
And you know how they're feeling. [ flagg whirring ]
Yeah, it doesn't like you right now.
I'll tell you that much. [ laughter ]
Is it just like -- like you speaking in
A positive tone that makes it go?
Well, let me ask you something.
What was the last movie you saw that you liked?
"big daddy." I love "big daddy."
"big daddy" is a hilarious movie.
Now, ma'am.
One of my favorite movies? Yeah.
[ laughter ]
"bad boys: Right or die."
Wow. "bad boys: Ride or die."
I would not have guessed that. [ laughs ]
One of her favorite movies is the latest "bad boys?"
You know who look like? That was last one I think.
You look like the guy from "accepted."
Yeah. Is that the college one?
Man: Yes. I saw that. I like it.
He likes it. He likes it. Oh, there we go.
Yeah. That's cool.
Now I like this thing. Yes.
[ laughter ]
I have one more question.
Is this -- this is electric or...?
Yeah. This sucker's electrical.
And I don't know how, but, you know,
If it's going down, maybe red flag, if it's going up,
Green flag instead of the american.
The flag is. Interchangeable.
[ laughter ]
Why doesn't it like anything I say?
Marcia, this would guide you, right, in conversation
So you're not as depressing, you know,
As we've come to know you to be.
[ laughter ]
Why don't you give you an opportunity
To -- to present your product?
Alright, justin. Here we go, buddy.
Meet doggy door, the world's first
Smart entryway for your best friend.
Using advanced ai sensing, doggy instantly recognizes
When your dog wants in or out and opens just for them.
It keeps stray animals and unwanted guests outside
While giving your dog vip access 24/7,
Because your pet deserves technology as loyal as they are.
Is it motion sensor? It works based on your
Animal's a chip in the collar.
Okay. Let's say a bear eats your dog.
Now does he have access straight into the house?
He would have access until he defecated it out.
Like, what if someone knew that you had this...
Yeah. ...Say, a serial killer and killed your dog?
Serial killers love dogs.
I'm just gonna show them nola.
-Oh! -Oh!
Woman: She looks like my dog.
Oh, she's so cute.
So, you know, you know, the dangers of
[blows raspberry] just a flap.
So now, let's see how it works.
Here we go. This is up.
[ air hisses ] this is...
Oh, my gosh!
[ laughter ]
Oh, no. Oh, no.
It's a no for me.
Man: You took his hat off.
You -- you would avoid this scenario
With proper training.
Like, nola looks to be a little bit over...
She's five pounds.
"yeah, she'd be obliterated."
She'd -- she'd be obliterated, I imagine.
But -- but...
[ laughter ]
The bottom of the guillotine.
Guillotine. She called it a guillotine.
We don't call it a guillotine. It's a doggy door.
I want you to notice how fast. [ air hissing ]
So this will be... That's 200 psi's right there.
[ laughter ]
You asked about a serial killer?
I sure did.
You got 600 american horsepower coming down saying
You're not coming in tonight.
Yeah. [ laughter ]
Can we come, like, with an automatic stop?
Murr: "no, we cannot." you know how some elevators --
No, no. No.
They'll sense. No, no.
[ laughter ]
You know, your arms in the way and it stops.
No, marcia. [ laughter ]
Marcia: You should have...
Sorry. Sorry.
Marcia's really throwing you off.
Well, it's just a lot of negativity.
[ laughter ]
Murr: Alright, let's, uh, let's take the vote, guys.
Q: We're going to take a vote.
Just by show of hands,
Who thinks that the doggie door is better?
Murr: One, two.
Two. Two. Justin wins.
Despite marcia riding my balls.
[ ding! ]
[ laughter ]
What we have -- we have, uh, two exciting products
To show you right now. Woman: Let's do it.
Here we go, bud.
Oh. Sterry.
A lot of men are at a point in their lives
Where they no longer want to have children.
It's a cute name for sterilization.
[ laughter ]
The option up until now was to go under the knife
And get a vasectomy. Vasectomy.
But there's a better way.
Introducing sterry.
This is a low-level radiation device
That's the size of a business card.=
It has a range of up to 12 feet
And can still be effective next to your nightstand or backpack.
In combination with mountain dew...
[ laughter ]
Sterry will deplete your active sperm count
In eight months or less.
Go sterile with sterry fast,
And avoid getting your penis tubes cut.
[ laughter ]
So, the card goes in your wallet.
Okay? And then you're walking around.
Now I'm the guy. I've had a few kids.
I'm ready to get my life back.
And -- is that an active prototype?
Because my wife and I are trying to conceive.
Is that an active prototype? It is an active prototype.
Could you step back?
Well, it's been on the table this whole time,
To be honest. Could you please move 14 feet away?
My wife and I are trying to conceive right now.
I didn't realize you brought an active prototype.
This takes eight months for a full depletion.
So the radius is double the covid recommendations.
12 feet? 12 feet? You're irradiating men's sperm.
Can you -- what if you take the subway sperm?
If you go to church on Sunday.
You're irradiating the whole congregation.
Sal: I could speak to all of these things, please.
If you are around sterry for an hour,
You are losing nothing.
If you hang out with me all the time, like,
You're my friend, we're inseparable,
You're only gonna lose like half your sperm.
[ laughter ] this is crazy.
Murr, you're tingling. You feel a tingling.
I feel like a tingling.
That's sterry working.
Then you get further away!
Look --
Come on.
I told you, don't bring that near me, man.
I already told you. Relax.
It's gonna take eight months for your whole bag to be depleted.
[ laughter ]
So you can show me that on the app?
I can show you on the app the day my last sperm dies.
[ laughter ]
Shall we? Shall we move on? Alright, alright.
Reset out there. Reset out there.
Okay. Can you guys see this?
You can see that? Yeah? Is that good?
Okay.
Justin: That's insane.
Can you guys see this? You can see that?
Yeah? Is it good? Okay, here we go.
So, sal asked me to help him out with this a little bit.
He gave you the controls? So I'm gonna man the controls
When the time is right. Yes.
So this is the self-driving stroller.
Walk alongside your child instead of pushing behind
Where you can't see them.
Justin: That's insane. With peace of mind,
Knowing that your little one is in the infallible hands
Of an all-knowing computer.
[ laughter ]
You know, the problem with a stroller is that you're behind
And you cannot see your child.
Are they crying? Are they happy, sad, hungry, upset?
You don't know.
And you have parents that are okay with this?
[ laughter ]
Yeah, it has sensors on all sides making sure your child is
Safe and protected.
Now, what is it? Here?
Oh. See? So...
Q: Look at sal's face.
The sensors will -- will protect it seamlessly
From banging into anything.
Watch. So --
Oh, well.
Well, hold on, let me -- let me reset it.
Let me reset. Let me reset it.
Oh.
[ laughter ]
Maybe strap the baby in.
Oh, hold on, hold on one second.
Strap the baby in. Okay let me, let me just --
[ motor revs ]
[ laughter ]
You are vicious.
So, what we want to show you
Is that it does have sensors on all sides.
This carriage will not crash into anything.
[ laughter ]
As a parent, could you benefit
From something like this?
I could see a parent that would very much appreciate it.
Right? It's just --
[ laughter ]
See, it did come back to me. I-I did command it.
My friends would love it.
The actual cradle...
[ laughter ]
I mean, you gotta have it, right?
[ laughter ]
By show of hands, how many of you think
That edward's product is closer to coming to market than mine?
One.
Two. Two.
Well, you just sold your futures.
Well done. Yeah.
Narrator: This just in, murr and q lost.
So they'll be taking the long walk to the loser board.
Today we're posing as customers at cafe aroma,
And, uh-oh, a crime is about to occur.
After this heinous crime.
Witnesses will be asked to fill out an incident report.
The catch is, our incident report
Has been written by the other guys.
At the end, the manager will give the other witness
A gift card for their time.
He'll also ask them if we deserve a gift card,
Despite our report being so wildly inaccurate.
If you don't get a gift card, you lose.
Dude, your -- your dad stole my tip.
I didn't see anything?
Alright, q, you are about to witness a crime, my friend.
The thief is one of our producers, christian esten.
Christian: I'm stealing these tips!
And there's nothing this, fat old man can do about it.
Suck it, fat stuff!
Sal: Oh my, god.
Well, he stole your tips, but he called me fat twice.
[ laughter ]
I mean, I've been losing weight.
[ laughter ]
Sal: Alright, szeluga. Hey, what happened?
Some guy just stole, uh...
...All your tips and then ran out.
John: Would you mind filling out an incident report?
How do you do an incident report?
I'll do it for you.
She's in, she's in. Okay. Here we go.
All right.
His whole report is filled out already.
We'll see how these incident reports
Stack up against each other.
Fat twice and old once.
You're not that old and fat.
[ laughter ]
I want to make sure I can read everything.
I want to make sure there's no discrepancies.
Is that okay if I... Yeah, sure.
...Go over these with you? Sure.
Uh, stranger came in and threatened to harm,
And he ran out with the whole tip jar.
John: You said you made direct eye contact
And dared him to do something.
The bitch backed down and went for the tip jar?
Yeah.
[ laughter ]
You said as soon as he exited,
He lifted off into the air on a jetpack or pogo stick?
[ laughter ]
But I didn't see where it went.
I just -- he ran out the door, and then he was gone.
[ laughter ]
You had just put $50 in the tip jar.
Yeah. Because that's how you roll.
[ laughter ]
You're asking if you can get that back.
Walk away, let her talk. Yeah, yeah.
I think he took the jetpack up there.
[ laughs ]
The guy called him a name when he took the tip jar or...?
She said fat [bleep].
She should he called you a fat [bleep].
[ laughs ]
I'd like to give you a gift card
Or something for your troubles.
You think I should give him a gift card as well?
She said you shouldn't have to give him anything.
That's a loss, buddy.
You lost, you fat [bleep].
[ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
Sal: Whoa, boy!
This is mine.
Whoa!
Suck it, lady!
[ laughter ]
♪♪
He manhandled you.
Yeah, I'm okay, and I'm not a lady.
[ laughter ]
Why would he think that? I don't get it.
[ laughter ]
I can't get over...
Send in szeluga. Send in szeluga
It was so unnecessary.
What happened? He put -- this guy came in,
He misread me as a lady.
And then -- [ laughter ]
And then took the tip jar and ran.
He's only upset about being called the lady.
Sex? Male.
[ laughter ]
Can I just go over this with you two,
Make sure we're on the same page?
You said pretty sure the thief was carrying a bazooka?
[ laughter ]
He -- he -- you saw that, right?
I didn't see it. You didn't see it?
He had it, like, under his... I know he had a hat and glasses.
He had the hat, what I imagined
To be a bazooka of some kind.
I didn't notice, but it's possible.
You wrote, "my underwear sucked itself inside me
At the worst time and prevented me from intervening."
[ laughter ]
It was an involuntary reaction,
But it seemed as if my underwear did suck up into my own cavity
From fear in that moment.
[ laughter ]
And you just wrote under comments,
You said the kid stole your toupee.
[ laughter ]
I entered the store with his hair
And he grabbed the tip jar, shoved me, misgendered me,
Took my toupee and ran out.
You saw it, right?
Oh, I didn't see the hair.
I had a fantastic toupee,
Which probably explains why he thought I was a lady.
Okay. [ laughter ]
Okay. Yeah, let me...
Um, thank you.
I'd like to give you a gift card for helping us out today.
If you were me, would you give him a gift card also?
Ah! Ah!
Murr, he said yes.
I ain't no lady.
[ ding! ]
Alright, boys. Murr: Alright, sal v.
Sal, you know, we got a buddy on set today, right?
Yes. You brought teddy swims to set,
And now we're going to set them loose on you.
What do you think about that?
He looks the part. [ laughter ]
Murr: Alright, here we go, sal.
Uh-oh.
Teddy's about to steal that tip jar.
Uh-oh.
I'm taking this with me.
[bleep] you gonna do about it?
Murr: Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Q: Uh-oh. Murr: Teddy's about to steal that tip jar.
I'm taking this with me.
[bleep] you gonna do about it?
Q: Oh, this guy's invested.
You smell like a bitch.
What is that? Coco chanel? No, it's --
Come her, sugar.
[ laughter ]
Murr: This guy in the orange shirt has witnessed the whole scene.
Let's send out the manager.
Would you mind filling out an incident report real quick?
Alright, this guy's in.
Thank you.
I just want to make sure there's no discrepancies.
Uh, you said a guy walked in and took the tip jar and some chips,
Which is basically what you said also, right?
Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.
You said suspect moved hurkle-durkle to the register
And ran roughshod all over the tip jar.
Murr: Hurkle-durkle? [ laughter ]
John: I'm sorry. I never heard that saying.
Hurkle-durkle? Yeah.
Uh, you wrote, "I was boned up and ready to deliver justice,
But the other witness seemed puss."
Me? [ laughter ]
I didn't think you were gonna read it out loud.
[ laughter ]
Yeah, he said other witness seemed puss.
He definitely crapped his thumb."
That's an expression I've heard.
[ laughter ]
Additional comments you wrote, "I was in here last week
And this didn't happen.
My father is a wealthy jamaican business-mon, if that matters."
[ laughter ]
Murr: My dad's a mon. Business-mon.
Yeah, he's a business-mon.
He trades stocks and things.
[ laughter ]
I'd like to give you a gift card.
Should I give him a gift card also?
Okay. Murr: Ah!
Q: Sal, he says give it to you. You won!
What a nice guy. Yeah. What a nice guy.
That's my dude right there.
[ ding! ] [ laughter ]
Narrator: The reports are in, and it looks like
Q is tonight's big loser.
Q has lost, so today we are at
Union square park for his punishment.
Q, you're not much of an app guy we find,
And so we feel you have been missing out on a lot
Of interesting apps. Okay, yeah.
So we decided to take the initiative
And sign you up for some really great interactive apps
That are going to be interacting with you a lot.
The punishment doesn't end
Until you get someone to sign up for one of these
Awful, I mean, interactive...
Interactive, interactive. Wait, what?
...Apps, yes.
Okay, buddy, we are ready. So...
You know what?
A part of me is kind of really excited
To see what apps you guys came up with,
But another part of me realizes it's me
That's got to endure them.
This app is my favorite one, buddy.
You'll know it when it happens to you.
Excuse me, do you know where washington square park is?
Yeah. Okay, let's cue the app.
And you think that that -- oh, god. No.
Tackle!
[ laughter ]
Oh, he got me. You got me. You get tackled.
Man: Five stars, right? Five stars.
Okay. Alright.
I got another guy in 14 tackle.
[ laughter ]
Tackled!
I got you. Got five stars. Five stars!
So I'm on that app tackle. Oh, really?
Yeah. You heard of it?
You put it on, and at any minute,
Somebody could come over and tackle you.
Alright. You want to try it?
Dude, look, look.
I get a $5 gift certificate if you go off my --
Murr: Dude. [indistinct]
Think about the joy. Like, anybody at any time.
You don't want to get tackled at any given moment?
Murr: Send in the app. Here it comes.
On the park...
Oh. Uh, alright.
Get down.
[ laughter ]
This is good.
Sal: He's getting hog-tied.
[ laughter ]
Give me five stars.
Q: You're gonna get five stars, I promise.
[ laughter ]
Murr: "it's a hot new app called lassoed."
Oh, my god.
I didn't know they were gonna leave me the rope.
I thought they just lassoed you and, like, did it, man.
Have you been on lassoed yet?
You haven't been lassoed? You set your location on.
You select a slot, and at some point during the day,
They come out and they lasso you just for fun.
Download it.
[ laughter ]
I'm a little confused.
You don't want to be hogtied by a woman
Dressed like a cowgirl?
[ laughter ]
I don't know if you saw what happened.
Did you see what happened over here, bud?
That's an app called lassoed.
Is this really happening?
Are we going to download lassoed together and do it?
No?
Murr: [ laughs ]
Q, just look left and right and say,
Are my best friends.
[ laughter ]
You guys are my best friends.
[ laughter ]
You say it.
[ laughter ]
Sal: I love that they walk in the opposite directions.
You are untenable.
Are you desperate brian? Yeah.
I would love to do a session now, if you're okay.
Yeah, I can do a session.
Thank you so much. Yeah. What do you got?
Q, this is a wellness app that matches men for intimate,
One-on-one consensual, sensual, groaning sessions.
[ laughs ]
[ groans ]
Are you gonna...?
[ groans ]
Sal: Q, this is a wellness app that matches men for intimate,
One-on-one consensual, sensual, groaning sessions. [ laughs ]
[ groans ]
Are you gonna...?
I'm good, I'm good. I'm getting into it.
Sorry, sorry. [ groaning ]
Do you consent to holding hands?
Yeah, I consent to holding hands.
Sal: Sustained eye contact, please.
[ both groaning ]
[ groaning intensifies ]
You sound like you're slobbering.
Oh, I like it sloppy. Is this helping?
Is this working for you? It's very helpful.
[ groaning ]
[ both groaning ]
[ groaning intensifies ]
[ laughter ]
I can't help but feed them, too.
I'm the -- I'm the same way.
Alright, here comes our friend,
Comedian rachel feinstein.
Hi. I'm sorry to bother you.
Are you not in any way a man 69?
I -- I am, yes.
Okay. I'm actually here from the app.
It's flawed. Yeah. Oh, okay.
Flawed. Yeah. If you don't, I would...
[ laughter ]
I guess we'll start with your smell.
Okay.
Your mom called it a threat to the atmosphere
And asked, "aren't you too wealthy to smell this bad?"
[ laughter ]
This is the app flaws. Have you heard about this thing?
No.
Your friends put in your -- your flaws,
And then rachel comes and tells you all the complaints
That your friends had about you.
Really? Yeah. It's called flaws.
Yeah.
Let's get into some more.
This one was anonymous.
It just says you look like silent bob
If he moved to vermont.
Okay, alright. It's not that helpful.
Shea says you pretend to go to the gym,
But she doesn't believe you.
"you wear smock tops to cover your shapeless body,
But no one's buying it."
I mean...
Mega manduke said you were going to reschedule your staff's
Pool party and then never did.
[ laughter ]
Jeez. Oh, your dad? Sorry. Your dad.
My dad's here. Yes.
He said, " he's disappointed with
The man you've become.
He...
[ laughter ]
He put the word man in quotes.
I've got a lot to work on, apparently.
Oh, your aunt said you're a bit of a pussy, if that helps.
I'm a pussy. My aunt said that.
Okay, so there's all your -- your flaws.
Thank you. Thank you, rachel.
Again, five stars. Five stars, five stars.
Good job, rachel.
Well, if you want to take a picture
Of the qr code so you have it.
Sal: Oh. Whoa whoa, whoa. He's taking a picture.
I mean, yeah, you just do that.
And then -- and then there you go.
Alright.
This is going to change your life.
Wow. After all that?
You got it. Good job, buddy.
Ah, yeah.
You know, it would have been good.
I could use I could use a sapporo now type thing.
You know what I mean? That'd be great.
Oh, shit. Here we go.
Tackled!
[ laughter ]
Murr: Tackled.