[ laughter ]
[ screaming ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good cat?
[ laughter ]
[ chuckles ]
[ laughter ]
Mangia! Today we're playing restaurant owners
At john's pizzeria in times square.
But here's where things get goomah.
While chatting up customers, we'll have to do
And say whatever those other paisanos tell us.
And if you refuse, it's arrivederci!
[ italian accent ] a calamari!
Mafia. [ chuckles ]
Q: All right, murr-man. What are you guys thinking?
We're getting glasses for you.
Remember -- you're the owner.
You're not a waiter. You're the owner.
I'm the owner, so if you guys need anything,
Just let me know, okay? I'll get that taken care of, too.
It's me, john.
[ laughs ] all right, murray.
Put your hand on the father's back while you talk to them.
And do not take your hand off his back.
What, um...
What, uh -- how'd you guys get the tickets for the show?
His lower back.
...Richard rodgers theatre...
Oh, my god. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
[ q and sal laugh ] yeah, yeah.
That's great. That's great.
Slide that hand down.
Q: His hand's through the chair.
That's great, that's great. And, um...
And what, uh...
[ laughing ] look at his face.
Did you get a discount? Were they discounted tickets or...
Okay, great. If you need
Any other recommendations for restaurants,
Anything like that, just let me know.
I'll take care of it. All right, murr. Get it off him.
Let me get that yuengling, sir.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Can you do the back of his neck while you talk?
Okay! Here we go! Your yuengling.
There we go. Oh!
There we go. Anything else you guys need?
You're good? You guys need anything else,
Okay, my name's john mamio. Oh!
Okay. Great. One second. Let me just...
Look. Hey, look. The dad's creeped out.
Dude.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Welcome to john's pizzeria. I am john.
"also, fellas, in honor of pride month..."
[ laughs ]
So I [laughs]
So, fellas, I do. I gotta tell you --
In honor of pride month...
"we're running a discount."
...We are running a discount.
"but..."
But...
"you gotta prove it."
[ laughs ]
...You gotta prove it.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Okay?
"and you want those at the full price?"
And you want those...
And you want those at the full price or...
You want it at the straight price.
[ q and sal laugh ]
"we don't have to do it out here.
I have an office."
[ both laugh ]
You don't got to do it here.
I have an office.
[ laughs ]
[ q and sal laugh ]
Kate's coming down the stairs right now to give you something.
Just -- just take that from her.
Okay. What is this?
Don't worry about it. They're little capsules.
Just hold on to them for the moment. Okay. Okay.
All right, murr, so you see the table right near the bottom
Of the stairs there? Yeah.
Well, I want you to drop something, anything. Okay.
On the way up, hit your head.
And those capsules are blood capsules.
So I want you to come up wounded and woozy. Here we go.
And let's see where it goes from there, john.
You guys good? You need anything?
Oh, jesus! I'm so sorry. Give me one second.
Let me -- I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.
I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. I got it.
[ thud ] ow, ow! Ooh, ooh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Do you guys, uh -- do you need anything?
Are you okay?
My nose is bleeding?
Oh, oh! Oh, my god.
Guys, my name is john.
My father and I own the place.
[ q and sal laugh ]
I don't -- I think I'm okay.
Dad? Are you...
[ q and sal laugh ]
Forgive me. Something happened. I just...
What happened?
"again?!"
I hit it my head again?
"I want a -- I want a hawaiian slice, please."
I'll have one hawaiian slice, please.
I'll have one hawaiian slice. Do you have a yuengling?
"I'm gonna give myself 15% off."
I'm gonna give myself 15% off. Sir, you sit down.
[ q and sal laugh ]
I don't know what's really -- no, just through your noise. There.
Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay. Okay? Hold that. Hold that.
Is that for me? Hold that.
-I have some ice for you. -"kate, you're fired."
Kate, you're fired. I'll have one large pie, please.
I'll have pineapple.
Fire the guy. You're fired.
You're fired. You have to go. You're fired.
Ask him if he's the owner now.
Are you the owner now?
Say, "I'm fired?"
I'm fired?! I'm fired?!
Okay. I'll leave.
[ both laughing ]
I'm john?
I'm john. "papa john?"
Papa john? Welcome to papa johns.
May I take your order?
[ both laugh ]
You're fired, kate. Get out of here.
"kate, you're the owner."
Kate, you're the owner of the restaurant now.
Kate, you're john. "I need off tomorrow."
I need off, kate. I need off tomorrow.
Kate, I'm putting in my two weeks notice.
[ ding! ]
[ q and sal laugh ]
Q: Sal, you know the italian signal for,
Like, "get out of here,
You're garbage"?
Oh. This gesture?
There you go. Murr: Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I want you to use it a lot and make it a positive.
You don't understand --
You don't understand what it's for.
Ooh! Ooh-hoo!
Can I get you another round of drinks or anything?
We're off to the theater tonight, so...
What are you going to see?
"the lion king."
Oh, my god, that's a great show!
Is it? [ both laugh ]
Yeah, you're gonna have the best time in the world.
Well, you have a lovely family. God bless.
Yeah. Thank you.
[ murr laughs ]
If you have an airpod, buddy, put one in your ear
And I want you to have two dual conversations --
One with the table and one an angry conversation with,
You know, your delivery guy.
Okay?
[ both laugh ]
Hey, guys. How are you?
Just coming over to make sure everything's okay.
I see you just got seated. Did anyone take your order yet?
Yes. Okay. Have you been here before?
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Get the [bleep] out of here. Mm-hmm.
No, no. I'm sorry. I'm talking to my produce guy. Okay.
[ murr and q laugh ]
You have any questions about the, uh -- the menu,
Just let me know. Great. Thank you.
Thank you. Murr: Approach that table.
You're having two conversations.
Hi, all. How are you tonight? Good. Thanks.
Just, I'm john, the owner. Oh, hi.
Do you need any recommendations or anything?
Yeah? No.
That's [bleep] gross.
[ murr and q laugh ] um, no.
No, I don't want half-eaten.
No, I don't care if it's a discount. I'm sorry.
I'm talking to my produce guy.
"I will break your fingers."
Some pastas here.
If you've never tried the pastas... Woman: Okay.
I will break your [bleep] fingers
If you do not get this here on time.
Sorry, sorry. My produce guy. That's all right.
Uh, yeah. So that's...
Okay. All right. Thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah.
Okay.
Murr: "let's just join in a little prayer."
And then, you know, just before, we always start --
I always just start with, "our heavenly father,
Thank you for the bounty that we're receiving tonight."
"I'm trying to pray here!"
I'm trying to [bleep] pray right now.
Can you give me a second, please?
Uh, thank you for the pizzas, pastas, light apps,
Desserts, and snacks. Thank you.
-Thank you. -Thank you so much.
[ murr and q laugh ]
I have to go hide right now because...
[ both laugh ]
You see the two women there?
Can you sneak up in the booth behind them
And pop up and say, "you guys need anything?" good luck.
You got it. You can't see him. They have not spotted you.
You're in.
Is there anything that I can get you guys?
[ murr and q laugh ]
Okay. I'm john, the owner, so...
"if you need me, just whisper my name.
I'm always listening."
If you need me, just whisper my name.
I'm always listening.
Okay. Bye.
[ murr and q laugh ]
Pop back up. Be like, "wait, what?
Did you ask for john?"
You said "john" right now? You said "john"?
Okay.
[ murr and q laugh ]
Yeah, sal, grab a handful of loose ice cubes.
[ murr and q laugh ]
And then I want you to go around, like -- you know,
Top off people's drinks.
Just to refresh those drinks
For you guys. Thank you.
-Thank you. -Appreciate it.
[ murr and q laugh ]
Hurry, shuffle over to them, and be like,
"did you say john? Did you say john?"
Did you say john?
Yes? Yes, yes, sure. Yeah. Thank you.
Carry the cups over with your hands on the inside of the cups.
[ laughing ] yeah.
Yeah, do a little pirouette
And skip away.
[ murr and q laugh ]
Here he comes, here he comes.
There you go!
Thank you.
[ laughs ] thank you.
[ murr and q laugh ]
[ ding! ]
Murr: Okay. All right, buddy.
Q, grab a plate of cannolis.
Okay?
I got some beautiful cannolis.
Sal: So go up to a table
And say that you guys have a really fun game you play here.
If they can guess your age correctly,
You'll suck the cream out of the cannoli.
Hey, guys. How's everything going today?
You have -- you got your order in?
You already ate?
Oh, great. Uh, I'm john.
This is my place.
We play a game where, if, um,
You can correctly guess my age,
I will, without using my hands,
Suck the cannoli cream out of this thing.
It's a fun little game we play.
Anybody want to take a guess?
"correct."
40. Correct. Yeah.
Okay, buddy. Go ahead.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
Q: It's a fun little game we play.
Anybody want to take a guess?
"correct."
40. Correct. Yeah.
Murr: [ laughs ]
Without using your hands.
[ laughs ]
Here we go.
[ muffled ] oh. All right. That's okay.
Sal: Did that go through? Did he get it?
Okay. "now, can you guess what month I was born in?
'cause I have the second cannoli."
We don't let anything go to waste here.
Can you guess the month that I was born in?
"correct."
September. That's correct.
40 years ago, in September, I was born.
Oh, oh.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
♪♪
[ laughs ]
♪♪
[ murr and sal laugh ]
I mean, this is a fun thing we do here.
"and can you guess the day of the week I was born on?"
Just for fun, what day of the week was I born on?
"correct."
Correct. [ sighs ]
Oh, oh.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
♪♪
Mm-hmm.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
Well, I'm glad you guys enjoyed the pizza.
I'm john, if you guys need anything at all.
Thank you very much. Man: Thank you.
Oh, my god, my sugar's spiking.
That was a lot of cannoli cream.
You guys got everything you need?
Everybody came over and got your drinks and everything?
You're not -- you're good? Yeah.
Dan cast, head in.
Recognize q as your old friend.
And, q, european kiss him on both cheeks
And don't stop.
Hey, paisan!
How are you?
[ laughs ]
How you doing? That's it, buddy. That's it.
Have a whole conversation.
How you doing, buddy? Mwah. Dan: Good, buddy.
How you been? Yeah. Out on the street?
It's been too long...Since you've been in here... Yeah, yeah.
...Having...Some del-- you lost all that weight.
You don't come for no...Pizza mnh-mnh. No more.
I got...Some great cannoli. Mm-hmm.
And I said to myself, "where's danny?"
And now here you are. You're now here.
On one of the...Busiest days of the year...
You show up.
Say "hi" to your mother for me.
I will.
Don't be a stranger, danny boy.
Get out of here. Get out of here.
Get out of here!
[ ding! ]
Narrator: Murr, q, and sal served up wins,
So they're safe from the loser board.
Today we're working the register
At tompkins square bagels.
But what we're really doing is searching for the customer
That left us that awful one-star review.
Of course, we'll never find them,
Because that scathing review has been written by the other guys.
At the end, we'll ask the customer if they'd be willing
To help us by leaving a positive review.
If they refuse, you lose.
Everything in the shelves, right?
The two shelves here are pastries.
You got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
Maybe...30 cookies
And chocolate cakes and lemon whatever.
I see it all.
Could you eat all this in one day
If someone was gonna pay you 10 million bucks?
All of it in one day without throwing up?
Yes, without a doubt. Without a doubt.
You don't know how to play this game. In a whole day?
You don't know how to play it,
And you'll never know how to play it.
I do know. Do you know how much sugar there is in this?
You don't offer $10 million to eat pastry.
People are gonna take that. And they're gonna do it.
And they're gonna change their lives forever.
All right. I recognize you.
You've been here before, right, buddy?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, uh, do you mind if I ask you a question?
Somebody left a pretty scathing review about me specifically.
They said, "I ordered an iced coffee,
But the man behind the counter gave me hot coffee.
I told him and he said, 'it is iced.'
And then to prove it, he put his hand in my cup
And just held it there.
It must have been boiling hot.
His face turned red and I could see he was crying
And I didn't have time for all that,
So I just waved at a different person
And she got me my coffee."
[ both laugh ]
Did you write that, liam? No.
If I had pulled my hand out of the scalding-hot coffee,
They would have seen that I had made a mistake
And it wasn't iced coffee.
They would have been the strong one.
I was the weak one.
And I can't have that power disparity.
Yeah, I know.
"anyway, a half a dozen skin grafts later,
I'm still the strong one."
Anyways, a half a dozen skin grafts later,
I'm still the strong one.
You see?
You didn't write this shit?
You didn't write it?
It was some captain american- looking mother[bleep]
Who did this.
Good luck asking for a good review now.
I think this guy's on board, man.
Will you please write me a good review tonight?
Liam! Liam!
Write me a good review, liam?
Li-- it was you! This was you?
You're the weak one, liam. I win.
[ buzzer ]
Murr: All right, buddy.
-Yeah. -What's your name?
Just so I know. Howard.
Howard? You come in here a few times, right?
Yeah, yeah, we've seen you here. Welcome back. Thank you.
So my name's brian.
I've been working here, and somebody wrote, like,
A real mean review about me online. Really?
This guy wrote... Murr: Here we go.
"...The bro who looks like a retired fred flintstone
[bleep] a margaritaville...
[ murr and sal laugh ]
...Slipped a dime bag of his homegrown weed into my bag.
Dude rules.
Never seen anyone so carefree at 8:00 a.M.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
Mind you, three days later,
The same dude, who also looks like george clooney's corpse,
Whose prized possession is a 'rocketeer' pinball machine --"
That's a great one. [ chuckles ]
"was fashioning a new set of napkins,
But I could tell by the washed-over look in his eyes,
He wished the napkins were made
Of high-tensile-strength 66-gauge nylon.
I wish him the best."
[ murr and sal laugh ]
So it was quite a personal review of me.
[ both laugh ]
He didn't say anything about
How you served him or what your demeanor was.
No, I gave him the weed. Yeah.
What you're saying is, no good deed goes unpunished.
You're right. Right. I'm like puff, puff, pass.
"yabba dabba doo!"
[ both laugh ]
Would you be willing to do me a favor? What's that?
Would you be willing to jump on one of our socials
And write, like, a pleasant review about me?
-Sure. -Aw!
All right. Thank you, thank you.
Murr: Good job.
Is this -- this is how you see me?
I look like fred flintstone [bleep] a margaritaville?
[ ding! ] sal: You got it, you got it.
All right, buddy. This guy right here.
Have you been in tompkins square bagels before?
Yeah, I've been in the one in, um...
It's the one on ninth avenue.
Yeah. My god. Someone left a -- like,
A scathing review directed at me personally.
They left this literally on the page --
"the man behind the counter told me he creams his own cheese."
[ murr and q laugh ]
Sal: Someone left a -- like, a scathing review.
"the man behind the counter told me he creams his own cheese.
[ murr and q laugh ]
Then he licked his lips and asked me
If I knew what that meant, and I said, 'I think so.'
And he said, 'tell me what it means.'
[ murr and q laugh ]
And I said, 'you make your own cream cheese.'
And he said, 'sure.' then he said, 'by the way,
We're closed,' and turned off the lights.
Then he just stood there in the dark, not moving.
I turned around and bolted out of the store.
I ran all the way home,
Constantly checking over my shoulder
To make sure I wasn't being followed
By the cream cheese guy.
My iced coffee was good, but hot."
[ both laugh ]
Did you write that, peter?
"I am known in some quarters as the cream cheese man."
'cause I am known as the cream cheese guy
In some quarters.
You know? I'm not refuting what happened,
But he said, "the man behind the counter
Told me he makes his own cream cheese," which I do.
[ murr and q laugh ]
Lick your lips. Lick your lips. Yeah, lick your lips.
[ laughs ]
Sal, just stand there and don't move and lick your lips at him.
Peter: Sorry. I don't -- that's... All right.
[ murr and q laugh ]
Any chance that you'd be willing to go on to our socials
And leave a positive review?
Q: Oh, wow. Thank you so much.
Yeah. My name is sal. They know me. Sal?
They call me the cream cheese guy. Okay.
Big lick, slow lick.
You know what I mean, right?
Thank you.
[ murr and q laugh ]
Hey, can we hit the lights?
[ ding! ]
Good job.
Narrator: Murr's the one yelping now
Because he's tonight's big loser.
All right, james s. Murray lost.
And we are here at pier 17 at the seaport,
Where people have gathered for an outdoor film screening.
Yeah, murr, you're gonna be playing a janitor cleaning up
Before the event,
And you'll be doing it with this high-powered cordless vacuum,
Where you, my friend, will be sucking up people's belongings.
Got it. There it is. No, that's not it.
We also have these custom-made bingo cards
That we're handing out to our crew,
And our cards have a list of random items on them.
And every time you suck up one of the random items,
Our crew gets one step closer to bingo.
Which means, of course...
I gotta keep sucking until someone gets bingo?
Both: Bingo.
Sal: So these folks here at pier 17 are gathering
To watch an outdoor nighttime movie,
"forrest gump," tonight. Our crew here,
They're all set up at a table with their bingo cards.
Here comes murray onto the field here.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Do I blend in?
The mustache changes everything about you.
Guys, I just saw my reflection in the mirror.
I look like a laguardia air-traffic controller.
You do.
"delta flight 239 is delayed at a half-hour."
[ q and sal laugh ]
All right, I'm going in, I'm going in, I'm going in.
Oh, my god.
Are you going for something? Yeah, yeah. The shoe.
We'll go with these guys. Black-and-white shoe.
Try to get in it so you can scoop the shoe.
Yeah. Yep.
I don't need to tell you how to suck.
[ laughing ] this is the stupidest thing ever.
What are we doing?
Sal and I aren't doing anything.
I don't know what you're doing. We are relaxing.
Yeah. All right, I'm going.
I'm going in, I'm going in. I'm going in.
[ vacuum whirring ]
♪♪
[ q and sal laugh ]
♪♪
He's coming. He's coming after you.
He's running after you in his white socks.
Bro, that's my shoe.
What? What's that?
It's my girlfriend's shoe. No, it's trash. It's trash.
It's not.
Wait. I'm sorry. Was that your shoe?
Yeah, that's my girlfriend's shoe.
Oh, my god. Dude, I thought that was the trash.
That's why -- you wouldn't believe at the end of the night
How many loose shoes we get left here,
So I'm just trained. I see a shoe.
I immediately suck it up and take it to the trash, you know?
[ q and sal laugh ]
Anyways, the mustache is fake.
Get back there to your girl, okay?
[ q and sal laugh ]
[ murr laughs ]
Who had "shoe"? Who had "shoe"?
[ group cheering ] man: All right!
Murr, I can't believe your instincts were right there.
[ laughs ]
I see a book I can grab. How about a book?
I don't know if it's on the bingo card,
But I can get a book.
We're not gonna tell you shit, bro.
Just -- you just go get it.
Okay. I'm going for this woman's book.
[ vacuum whirring ]
♪♪
[ q and sal laugh ]
Is that -- is that tra-- is this trash?
Huh? Is this trash?
Or were you reading it? Excuse me.
Oh. It's not trash. You're sure. Okay, good.
What are you listening to?
Music.
Murr, just say, "life is like a box
Of chocolates," then walk away.
Life is like a box of chocolates, right?
Huh?
[ q and sal laugh ]
Who's got "book"?
-Whoo! -Whoo!
Wow. All right. Not as many. Not as many.
I'll get a burrito.
Burrito?
It's a burrito bowl, my friend.
Sal: Oh, my -- if you actually suck the food out of...
They just opened that.
Oh, my god. This is crazy.
Woman: Yeah.
Q: There he goes. He's going in for the...
[ vacuum whirring ]
Oh!
Q: It's a burrito bowl, my friend.
Sal: They just opened that.
Oh, my god. This is crazy.
Woman: Yeah.
Q: There he goes. He's going in for the...
[ vacuum whirring ]
Oh! Oh, my god, did that just...
I'm sorry. I was spinning around.
It just got -- I'm so sorry.
No. Oh, oh, oh! Oh, my god. Oh.
I'm so sorry.
"I suck."
I suck.
[ both laugh ]
Don't worry about it.
Okay, okay. Well, enjoy "forrest gump."
I'm so sorry again. My apologies.
Sal: Oh! Q: Wow, murr!
Lunch. Who had "lunch"?
Who had "lunch"
Ooh, boy. Lunch.
You guys done with that?
You're done with that?
What? Oh. Oh.
[ q and sal laugh ]
♪♪
[ q and sal laugh ]
[ laughing ] oh, drink.
Who had "drink"?
He's going for socks.
You wanna help me out?
Do you want to lift 'em up for me? No?
That guy is not amused.
♪♪
[ q and sal laugh ]
♪♪
[ q and sal laugh ]
Snacks?
Murr, a lot of people have one box left, my friend.
Great job, buddy,
But "bicycle helmet" is not on the bingo card.
Shit.
Oh, my god, what a cute puppy that is.
That puppy's great.
I got a dumpling.
You got a dumpling?
You're not gonna eat that dumpling.
Oh, my god!
♪♪
Child: Ohh!
[ q and sal laugh ]
Murr: Kid?
"children" are not on the card.
How about the phone? The phone?
Is that trash? I got the phone.
Is this trash or no?
Trash? You need any trash gone? You need that gone?
Come on, get it! Get it! No? You good? No?
Suck that cone! Suck that cone!
[ laughter ]
You actually got it.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Oh, god.
I've done, like, 12 things. No one has bingo yet?
No one? No one has bingo yet. No.
Uh, the woman in red to my right
Has a vape on top of her phone.
There has to be a vape on the list.
I cannot tell you. Stop asking.
Well, I'm gonna go for it, so...
Yeah, maybe you're going for it,
And maybe you're going for it in vain.
[ vacuum whirring ]
Oh! He got the vape, man!
I hear it banging around. I hear it banging around.
Look, look, look, look, look! [ laughs ]
Oh, my god.
I hear it banging around.
Oh, you guys... I think you just sucked up my vape.
I sucked up your vape? Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no. What are you talking about? No, it is.
I don't vape. I'm sorry.
What happened? No, I do. Maybe not anymore.
[ q and sal laugh ]
"I'm unable to get in this small opening."
You know what it is? I'm unable
To get into this small op--
[ q and sal laugh ] me, personally,
I'm unable to climb inside the small openings,
So I can't possibly get your vape. Yeah, no. No, no, no.
That makes total sense. So...
Murr, reach in your pocket. There's business cards in there.
We put them in.
Um...
You've got the parks department lost and found.
It is the number. Yeah?
Uh, you should give it 72 hours and then call.
And if they find your vape, you can pick it up.
[ q and sal laugh ]
Murr, then drop that you're not a smart man,
But you know what love is.
I'll be honest, ma'am -- I'm not a smart man,
But I know what love is.
[ q and sal laugh ]
That was "forrest gump."
You get it, right? No. Yeah, I get it.
The movie. Yeah, you get it, you get it.
[ q and sal laugh ]
♪♪
Q: Murr, hold on. Wait a second, murr.
What?
Both: Bingo!
Vape pen. Who would have thought it?
"vape pen" did it.
Well, fellas, I'm done. I'm taking this mustache off.
[ q and sal laugh ]
All right, mustache is gone. Mustache is gone.
Get me out of here.
Let's watch "forrest gump." come on.