1
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,880
>> HELLO, FRIENDS.
>> HEY!

2
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:23,490
>> ALL RIGHT.
THERE YOU GO.

3
00:00:23,490 --> 00:00:24,720
>> HAPPY THANKSGIVING, BOYS.
>> YEAH, HAPPY THANKSGIVING,

4
00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:25,592
BUD.
>> OUT OF ALL THE TIME WE SPEND

5
00:00:25,592 --> 00:00:26,792
TOGETHER, WE’VE NEVER SPENT
THANKSGIVING TOGETHER, SO I

6
00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:27,628
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
APPROPRIATE.

7
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,696
YOU GUYS LOOK NICE.
EVERYBODY GOT DRESSED UP.

8
00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:32,196
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK THE ODDS
ARE THAT I’M PAIRING PANTS

9
00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:34,229
UNDER THIS TABLE?
ZERO.

10
00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:37,070
>> DIVERSITY, I DON’T EVEN
THINK I BRUSHED MY HAIR.

11
00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:39,706
>> YOU DIDN’T.
>> SEASON ONE, I DIDN’T COMB MY

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00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:44,206
HAIR A SINGLE TIME.
WHEN WE WATCHED IT BACK, I

13
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:47,711
THOUGHT I NEED TO LOOK LIKE I’M
NOT SEVERELY DEPRESSED.

14
00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:50,684
>> WELL, YOU GUYS ARE LIKE
FAMILY TO ME.

15
00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:52,519
YOU’RE LIKE BROTHERS.
YOU GUYS ALSO KNOW MY FAMILY.

16
00:00:52,519 --> 00:00:55,355
SO I THOUGHT IT WOULD ONLY BE
APPROPRIATE THAT MY FAMILY GOT

17
00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:59,225
TO SAY HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
MY SISTER GINA’S FAMILY, OF

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00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,856
COURSE.
>> HI, GUYS.

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00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:04,698
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> AND MY STAR CARLA AND HER

20
00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:06,728
FAMILY WANTED TO SAY HAPPY
THANKSGIVING.

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00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:10,470
>> HI!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

22
00:01:10,470 --> 00:01:15,709
>> AND THEN MY PARENTS.
[LAUGHTER]

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00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:17,177
>> NO!
NO!

24
00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:18,907
NO!
>> HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM MOM

25
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:23,951
AND DAD.
>> JOE!

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00:01:23,951 --> 00:01:25,419
[LAUGHTER]
>> OH, MY GOD.

27
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:29,189
>> I’LL TELL WHY YOU THIS HAS
GRADUATED TO A NEW LEVEL OF

28
00:01:29,189 --> 00:01:32,789
INSANITY.
YOU NOW HAVE YOUR EXTENDED

29
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:36,363
FAMILY IN ON THE JOKE, SISTERS,
HUSBANDS, NEPHEWS AND NIECES.

30
00:01:36,363 --> 00:01:38,932
THAT’S A FAMILY THAT CAN TAKE A
JOKE, WOW.

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00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:42,736
>> DON’T FORGET, SAL, ALSO THE
FULL‐ON PUPPET ARE YOU AT THIS

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00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:46,966
POINT
>> WHO’S DOING THE PUPPET ARE

33
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:49,476
YOU?
>> IT’S LIKE "WEEKEND AT

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00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:51,945
BERNIE’S" OVER THERE.
>> YOU MADE THANKSGIVING DINNER

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00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,675
FOR THE CORPSES.
THEY HAD PLATES IN FRONT OF

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00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:55,949
THEM.
>> DID I NOTICE THAT YOUR

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00:01:55,949 --> 00:02:00,419
FAMILY WAS FAKING THE TABLE.
>> THEY ALSO DON’T KNOW WHAT

38
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:02,420
THE JOKE WAS.
I JUST TOLD THEM TO SEND IN

39
00:02:02,422 --> 00:02:04,891
THOSE CLIPS.
THEY’RE JUST SEEING IT RIGHT

40
00:02:04,891 --> 00:02:06,460
NOW.
>> OH, MY GOD.

41
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:11,230
>> I EXPECT A TEXT TO COME
ROLLING IN IMMEDIATELY.

42
00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:14,401
[LAUGHTER]

43
00:02:14,501 --> 00:02:26,611
♪

44
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:28,815
>> HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> YOUR FOLKS LOOK GOOD.

45
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:34,115
>> YEAH, WELL, THEY’RE HAVING
RIBS FOR DINNER.

46
00:02:34,121 --> 00:02:35,521
[LAUGHTER]
>> NO, JOE!

47
00:02:35,522 --> 00:02:37,722
COME ON!
>> THEY HAD THEIR BONES ABOUT

48
00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:40,560
DOING DINNER, BUT THEY DID IT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, SOCIAL

49
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,496
DISTANCING HASN’T BEEN A
PROBLEM, BECAUSE MY PARENTS

50
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:46,696
HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SIX FEET AWAY
FROM ME, SIX FEET UNDER.

51
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:50,400
>> OH, NO.
NO!

52
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:51,604
JOE!
>> I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME

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00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:54,908
YOU STARTED DOING THAT TO ME, I
WAS SO, SO FLABBERGASTED.

54
00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:56,708
>> AND YOU STILL ARE EVERY TIME
I DO IT.

55
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,578
>> ACTUALLY, IT DOESN’T REALLY
GO AWAY.

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00:02:58,578 --> 00:03:01,878
>> THAT’S ON YOU, SAL.
BECAUSE, LIKE, AT A CERTAIN

57
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:05,719
POINT, BECAUSE I GOT IT.
I WAS FLABBERGASTED AS WELL.

58
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:07,419
I WAS LIKE, OH, MAN, I DON’T
WANT TO LAUGH.

59
00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:11,158
BUT AT A CERTAIN POINT, IT’S ON
HIM, NOT YOU.

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00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:14,588
>> NOT AT A CERTAIN POINT.
FROM THE VERY FIRST TIME HE DID

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00:03:14,594 --> 00:03:17,731
IT IT’S ON HIM.
>> I JUST MEAN IN TERMS OF

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00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:20,031
ALLOWING YOURSELF TO LAUGH AT
IT.

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00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,636
COME ON, IT’S BEEN DECADES AT
THIS POIFPBLET

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00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:26,436
>> I ONLY HOPE THAT I CAN ONE
DAY BE THAT FREE AND ‐‐ I DON’T

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00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,775
KNOW.
WHAT WOULD YOU CALL IT?

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00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:30,375
[LAUGHTER]
>> CALLOUS MIGHT BE THE WORD

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00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:32,707
PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR AT HOME.
[LAUGHTER]

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00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,716
>> NOT CALLOUS.
IT’S ACCEPTING OF MY FATE AND

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00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:36,916
MAKING THE BEST OF THE
SITUATION.

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00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:39,617
>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
SPEAKING OF MAKING THE BEST OF

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00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:42,119
A SITUATION, ‐‐
>> YEAH, I WANT TO SEE

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00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:44,522
THANKSGIVING DINNERS.
LET’S SEE, BOYS.

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00:03:44,524 --> 00:03:46,460
>> I HAVE MINE HERE.
CAN YOU SEE THAT?

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00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:48,190
>> YEAH.
>> OH, WOW.

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00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:52,866
>> THIS HERE IS SCREAMED
POTATOES, SHALLOTS AND PEAS.

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00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:55,736
>> DID YOU MAKE THIS?
>> AND THEN I ALSO HAVE, THIS

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00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:59,606
IS TURKEY COOKED WITH A ‐‐
>> A WHAT?

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00:03:59,606 --> 00:04:02,036
>> A SUVY.
>> WHAT IS THAT?

79
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:06,112
>> IT’S A LITTLE BIT OF A
HIGHER SKILL LEVEL IF YOU’RE A

80
00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:08,513
COOK.
>> WHO’S SUVY?

81
00:04:08,515 --> 00:04:10,617
YOU HIRED A COOK FOR YOU NOW?
[LAUGHTER]

82
00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:14,987
>> YOU PUT THE SUVY AND IT
HEATS THE WATER UP, AND THEN

83
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:20,026
YOU COOK THE MEAT IN A BAG IN
THAT WATER SO IT COOKS THE MEAT

84
00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:21,156
PERFECT.
EACH TIME.

85
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:24,331
AND THE REASON I KNOW THIS IS
BECAUSE A CHEF TOLD WHEN HE IT,

86
00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:29,336
AND HE SENT ME THE SUVY.
>> YOU’VE SAID IT ABOUT 10

87
00:04:29,336 --> 00:04:32,706
TIMES, AND I STILL DON’T KNOW
WHAT IT MEANS, WHAT IT DOES, SO

88
00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:35,375
THANKS FOR THAT.
>> WHAT I’M TELLING YOU IS I

89
00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:37,475
DIDN’T MAKE THIS.
>> WHAT I FROOK YOUR

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00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:39,377
DESCRIPTION IS IT’S A BAG FULL
OF WATER.

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00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:43,416
THAT’S ALL I GOT.
>> SAL COOKED HIS MEAT IN A

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00:04:43,416 --> 00:04:45,216
WATER BAG.
THAT’S ALL I KNOW.

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00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:47,348
MURR, WHAT DO YOU GOT?
YOU HAVE A LOT OF LANDSCAPE.

94
00:04:47,354 --> 00:04:49,990
>> HERE’S THE THING.
IT’S HARD TO COOK A TURKEY

95
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:54,460
DINNER FOR ONE.
SO I TRIED, BUT IT’S, YOU KNOW,

96
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:58,331
I MADE A TURKEY, AND I’VE GOT
THE WHOLE STUFF, BUT I PUT IT

97
00:04:58,331 --> 00:05:00,731
ON A GIANT PLATTER LIKE YOU
HAVE AT THANKSGIVING.

98
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:05,004
IT’S VERY HARD TO DO FOR ONE
PERSON.

99
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:08,809
>> I DID A STUFFED ARTICHOKE.
I GOT SWEET POTATO MASH WITH

100
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:11,978
CORN, STUFFED MUSHROOMS AND A
LITTLE FAKE MEATLOAF.

101
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,808
>> NOTHING BEATS A GOOD STUFFED
ARTICHOKE, BUDDY.

102
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:19,686
>> YEAH, HARD TO BEAT.
>> WELL, YOU WANT TO DO A WHOLE

103
00:05:19,686 --> 00:05:24,186
TURKEY, SO SHE GOT SLICED, LIKE
TURKEY CUT LETS, GOT CRANBERRY,

104
00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:25,991
GOT STRING BEANS.
SHE MADE STUFFS.

105
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:29,396
SHE BURNED THE STUFFING.
>> BUT YOU JUST SAID SHE DIDN’T

106
00:05:29,396 --> 00:05:33,296
WANT TO BUY A FULL TIRK, SO YOU
MAKE HER BUY THE GROCERIES TOO?

107
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:37,037
>> NO, I DO HER GROCERY
SHOPPING FOR HER, AS A MATTER

108
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:38,767
OF FACT.
BUT NO, NO, SHE JUST DIDN’T TO

109
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:41,772
WANT COOK A WHOLE TURKEY, I
GUESS.

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00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:45,545
>> HER REQUEST, GOT IT.
I THOUGHT YOU SENT HER OUT WITH

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00:05:45,545 --> 00:05:47,475
A LIST.
>> IF I COULD, I WOULD.

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00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:50,217
>> Q, OF COURSE THERE’S DOOR
DASH.

113
00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:54,187
YOU HAVE DOOR CALABASH.
>> HEY, THAT’S PRETTY GOOD.

114
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:57,887
I’LL TELL HER THAT.
SHE’LL BE LIKE, WHAT’S DOOR

115
00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,726
DASH?
>> WHAT ARE YOUR FAMILY

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00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:01,756
THANKSGIVING TRADITIONS?
>> WE’RE PRETTY STANDARD IN MY

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00:06:01,761 --> 00:06:03,330
HOUSE.
IT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU EXPECT ON

118
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:06,967
A THANKSGIVING DINNER.
I DON’T DO LIKE ‐‐ IS THAT

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00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:09,936
CHRISTMAS?
MY ITALIAN SIDE ‐‐

120
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:12,906
>> SEVEN FISHES.
>> WE DO THE SEVEN FISHES.

121
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:16,176
>> WE DON’T EVEN DO THAT.
>> THE WORST SEVEN FISHES

122
00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:19,246
CHRISTMAS EVE DINNER I HAD, I
WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

123
00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:22,616
I WAS DATING A GIRL NAMED
MEGAN, WITH WHO YOU GUYS KNOW,

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00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:25,276
AND SHE HAD JUST BOUGHT ME A
BRAND‐NEW CHRISTMAS SWEATER.

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00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:28,188
IT WAS REALLY NICE.
SO I WAS GOING TO, AFTER DINNER

126
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:30,757
WITH MY FAMILY ON CHRISTMAS
EVE, I WAS GOING TO MIDNIGHT

127
00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:34,927
MASS WITH HER, HER MOTHER, HER
GRANDMOTHER, AND HER

128
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:35,928
GREAT‐GRANDMOTHER, FOUR
GENERATIONS.

129
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:38,865
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> I GOT ALL DRESSED UP.

130
00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:43,765
BUT FUNNY LITTLE SIDE NOTE, I’M
SOMETIMES HIGHLY ALLERGIC TO

131
00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,870
SHELLFISH.
SO I EAT THIS WHOLE DINNER WITH

132
00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:50,342
MY FAMILY.
AND I WENT TO MIDNIGHT MASS AT

133
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:52,812
OUR LADY STAR OF THE SEA
CHURCH.

134
00:06:52,812 --> 00:06:55,248
>> THAT’S WHERE I PLAYED SOUTH
KOREA AS A KID.

135
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,517
>> IS THAT RIGHT?
>> YEAH, IT WAS MY SOCCER TEAM.

136
00:06:57,517 --> 00:07:00,887
>> THREE‐QUARTERS THROUGH THE
MASS, I STARTED NOT TO FEEL

137
00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:03,757
WELL, AND WE’RE KNEELING,
GETTING READY TO RECEIVE

138
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,317
COMMUNION.
RIGHT BEFORE COMMUNION, THERE’S

139
00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:07,260
ONLY ONE AISLE IN AND OUT OF
THE CHURCH, THE MAIN AISLE.

140
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,460
AND I STOOD UP, I WAS LIKE, I
CAN’T STAY.

141
00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:10,630
WE WERE AT THE FRONT OF THE
CHURCH.

142
00:07:10,630 --> 00:07:13,330
I RAN TO THE MAIN AISLE, AND I
STARTED RUNNING DOWN THE AISLE

143
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:15,368
TO GET OUT OF THE CHURCH, AND I
DIDN’T MAKE IT.

144
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:19,168
I THREW UP IN THE ENTIRE MAIN
AISLE OF THE CHURCH AND RAN OUT

145
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:22,242
THE LOBBY AND CONTINUED TO
THROW UP ALL THE OVER MY NEW

146
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:23,542
SWEATER AND IN THE BUSHES OF
THE CHURCH.

147
00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:26,112
AND I MEAN, ONE MINUTE BEFORE
PEOPLE HAD TO WALK DOWN THE

148
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:27,847
MAIN AISLE TO RECEIVE
COMMUNION.

149
00:07:27,847 --> 00:07:30,347
>> DO YOU THINK IT WAS A
SHELLFISH OR DO YOU THINK THAT

150
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:33,019
THE LORD COULDN’T STAND YOUR
PRESENCE IN HIS BUILDING AND

151
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:38,658
WAS TRYING TO DRIVE YOU OUT?
>> THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS

152
00:07:38,658 --> 00:07:41,088
YOU!
>> IT WAS THE WILDST THING, I

153
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:44,631
ATE SHELLZPISH MY SKIN STARTED
TO SCOMBUBBLE BOIL AND MY HEAD

154
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,666
STARTED TO SPIN AND I WAS
THROWING UP.

155
00:07:46,666 --> 00:08:02,846
[L
>> I’M WORRIED ABOUT THE FIRST

156
00:08:02,849 --> 00:08:04,349
TIME MY KIDS GET STUNG BY A
BEE.

157
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:05,885
>> THEY HAVEN’T YET?
>> NO.

158
00:08:05,885 --> 00:08:09,215
I KEEP TRYING TO SIC BEES ON
THEM SO I CAN GET IT OUT OF THE

159
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:10,490
WAY.
[LAUGHTER]

160
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:14,527
>> I WOULD LIVE IN SUCH FEAR.
I WANT TO TAKE C. P. R. AND LEARN

161
00:08:14,527 --> 00:08:18,357
HOW TO ‐‐ WHAT DO YOU CALL IT,
HEIMLICH?

162
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:21,634
Q KNOWS ALL THAT STUFF?
>> DID YOU KNOW I SAVED A

163
00:08:21,634 --> 00:08:24,738
PARK‐GOER’S LIFE?
WHEN WE SHOT IN FLORIDA AT THE

164
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:27,238
AMUSEMENT PARK DOWN THERE,
THERE WAS A KID EATING WITH HIS

165
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,640
FAMILY, AND HE JUST STARTED
FULL‐ON CHOKING, AND I GOT OVER

166
00:08:30,643 --> 00:08:34,681
THERE, GAVE THE KID THE
HEIMLICH MANEUVER, GOT HIM

167
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:37,881
BREATHING AGAIN, AIR CAME
RUSHING IN, HIS MOTHER STARTED

168
00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:40,086
CRYING, ALL THAT STUFF.
AND THEN I JUST RAN BACK TO

169
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:42,286
SECURITY AND KEPT WALKING TO
SET, AND THEN JUST SHOT.

170
00:08:42,288 --> 00:08:45,758
>> WOW!
>> THE HIKE LICK ALWAYS WORKS?

171
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:48,995
>> NO, I KILLED A MAN ONCE.
[LAUGHTER]

172
00:08:48,995 --> 00:08:54,125
>> I TRIED THE HEIMLICH AND I
WAS DOING AS MUCH AS I COULD,

173
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,970
AND THE GUY WOULDN’T COOPERATE
AND DIED IN MY ARMS.

174
00:08:56,970 --> 00:09:00,470
>> WHEN I WAS IN GRAMMAR
SCHOOL, MY MOM TOOK ME TO THE

175
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,375
PEDIATRICIAN, AND WE WERE IN
THE WAITING ROOM.

176
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:05,405
THE WOMAN HAD A BOFLE HARD
CANDIES, AND SHE HAD BUTTER

177
00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:08,948
SCOTCH, AND SHE GAVE ME ONE.
I PUT IT IN MY MOUTH, AND I

178
00:09:08,948 --> 00:09:12,118
REMEMBER I JUST ‐‐ AND IT GOT
SUCKED IN, AND I WAS LIKE ‐‐

179
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:15,218
AND MY MOM GOES, OH, MY GOD,
HE’S CHOKING.

180
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,921
AND THE NURSES JUST FROZE.
>> THE NURSES FROZE?

181
00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:21,261
>> THE NURSES JUST FROZE.
THEY JUST WERE LIKE ‐‐ AND A

182
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,730
WOMAN GOT UP THAT WAS SITTING
THERE, AND THIS IS HOW SHE

183
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:28,830
SAVED MY LIFE.
SHE OPTED TO NOT DO THE

184
00:09:28,835 --> 00:09:32,105
HEIMLICH, SHE GRABBED, IN ONE
FELL MOTION, SHE GRABBED MY TWO

185
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:35,408
EAGES LIKE THIS AND LIFTED ME
IN THE AIR, FLIPPED ME

186
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:39,208
UPSIDE‐DOWN AND SHOOK ME LIKE A
CARTOON BY MY ANKLES, JUST

187
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:41,448
SHOOK ME.
>> TRYING TO CHANGE OUT OF A

188
00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:42,108
PURSE?
>> YES.

189
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:44,684
AND IT JUST FELL OUT OF ME.
AND SHE PUT ME DOWN ON THE

190
00:09:44,684 --> 00:09:49,055
FLOOR, AND SHE’S LIKE, WHO
GIVES A CHILD HARD CANDY!

191
00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:54,425
>> THE ONLY TIME I TRIED TO
APPLY THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER,

192
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:57,327
WHEN I TRIED SAVE OUR TOUR
MANAGER JEFF JOHNSON WHEN HE

193
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:58,530
PASSED OUT.
A

194
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:01,831
>> I REMEMBER.
I WAS SO SCARED.

195
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:05,138
>> OUR TOUR MANAGER, IT WAS
LATE AT NIGHT, WE JUST FINISHED

196
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:08,238
A SHOW.
WE GOT BACK TO THE HOTEL

197
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:10,410
TOGETHER, AND HE WAS GOING
WRITE THE CHECK OUT, AND HE HAD

198
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:13,947
A COUGHING ‐‐ WHAT WE DIDN’T
REALIZE IS JEFF HAS SOME TYPE

199
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:18,377
OF, LIKE, CHRONIC BRONCHITIS,
WHERE HE CAN GET INTO A

200
00:10:18,384 --> 00:10:21,788
COUGHING FIT, AND IT HAPPENS
OFTEN APPARENTLY, AND HE FAILS

201
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:24,457
TO TELL US THIS, AND HE’S ABOUT
TO SIGN A CHECK.

202
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,787
>> THE PEN WAS ON THE SIGNATURE
LINE.

203
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:33,099
’ HE GOES TO SIGN, AND HE GOES
LIKE THIS ‐‐ [GASPING]

204
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:35,768
IT WAS LIKE A CARTOON, AND HE
JUST DROPPED DOWN.

205
00:10:35,768 --> 00:10:41,068
SANDITS, HA, HA, HA, JEFF.
HE HAD A COUPLE OF BIG COUGHS

206
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:47,313
FIRST.
HE WAS LIKE ‐‐

207
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:50,016
[COUGHING AND GASPS]
AND HE SLUMPED OVER, TURNED

208
00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:55,016
PURPLE, ALL RIGHT, JEFF.
AND THEN I STAYED LOUN, AND

209
00:10:55,021 --> 00:10:56,256
JEFF?
JOE JUMPS UP AND STARTS DOING

210
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:57,916
IT ‐‐
>> I SPRUNG INTO ACTION.

211
00:10:57,924 --> 00:11:00,693
>> DOING HIS OWN VERSION.
>> IN A PANIC, I COMBINED TWO

212
00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:03,329
DIFFERENT MOVES.
I GAINED, LET ME HELP HIM UP

213
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:08,199
AND LET ME GIVE HIM THE
HEIMLICH, AND DID I A SEAT

214
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:10,737
STRAFMENT I WENT OVER THE
SHOULDER, AND I STARTED JUST

215
00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:13,437
THRUSTING HIM, PUNCHING HIM
BASICALLY IN THE HEART,

216
00:11:13,439 --> 00:11:16,109
BASICALLY WHAT I WAS DYING.
>> AND HE’S HOLDING BY THE

217
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:19,009
NECK, UNDER THE ARM, AND HE’S
JUST SHAKING HIM VIOLENTLY.

218
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:22,882
AND I GO, JOE, JOE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?

219
00:11:22,882 --> 00:11:24,851
AND I DON’T THINK YOU’RE
HELPING.

220
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:29,055
>> AND I SAID I’M SAVING HIM.
THAT WAS MY ANSWER.

221
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:34,485
>> AND THEN HE GOES ‐‐ I GO, I
GO, I’M GOING TO GO CALL 911.

222
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:35,995
IT WAS A ROTARY PHONE ON THE
WALL.

223
00:11:35,995 --> 00:11:38,455
I WAS GOING RUN TO THE PHONE
AND DIAL 911.

224
00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:42,068
WE WERE DOWNSTAIRS, AND I RAN
ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE EMPTY

225
00:11:42,068 --> 00:11:45,938
BALL ROOM I PUSHED THE DOOR
OPEN, AND I JELLED INTO THE

226
00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:50,439
PHONE, SOMEBODY DIAL 911.
>> THE PHONE ONLY RANG TO THE

227
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:53,046
FRONT DESK T. DIDN’T RING TO
911.

228
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,506
>> MURRAY, YOU JUST GLOSSED
OVER THE FACT THAT WHAT YOU

229
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:59,719
WERE DOING, MURR WAS HOLDING
HIS SHOULDER AND GOING, JEFF,

230
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,088
JEFF?
>> I STARTED GIVING HIM A DEEP

231
00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:03,688
SHOULDER MASSAGE.
[LAUGHTER]

232
00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:07,327
>> Q WAS THE ONLY ONE TRAINED
IN C. P. R. AND HE’S ASLEEP.

233
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:10,527
>> I’VE GONE TO BED, YEAH.
>> HE WAKES UP AND CONTINUING

234
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:15,030
SIGNING AS NOTHING HAPPENED.
>> HE GOES ‐‐

235
00:12:15,034 --> 00:12:16,903
[LAUGHTER]
>> HE SAID, JEFF.

236
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:19,305
HE SAID, YEAH?
WE GO, UP TO THE SAY SOMETHING?

237
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:23,705
HE GOES, OH, MAN, DID I DO IT
AGAIN?

238
00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:28,910
>> THE ENTIRE TIME, IF HE, GOD
FORBID, PASS AD WAY DO, WE KEEP

239
00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:31,618
SIGNING HIS NAME ON THAT CHECK?
>> YOU BETTER.

240
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:36,456
>> WE ALMOST GRABBED HIS LIMP
HAND TO JUST GET THE LAST

241
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,816
LETTER.
>> IT WAS POETIC YOU’RE NOT

242
00:12:38,825 --> 00:12:41,127
THERE BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONLY
ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO DO

243
00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:43,157
ANYTHING.
>> YOU WOULD HAVE RUINED THE

244
00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:44,862
WHOLE STOMPLETE
>> OH, MY GOD, AS A MATTER OF

245
00:12:44,864 --> 00:12:47,000
FACT, I WAS ON THE FLOOR.
>> THE THREE OF US CAME OUT OF

246
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,068
THE ELEVATOR AND COLLAPSED ON
THE GROUND LAUGHING.

247
00:12:49,068 --> 00:12:51,237
>> THAT’S TRUE.
>> WELL, THANKSGIVING IS A TIME

248
00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:54,337
WHEN YOU WORK OUT GRIEVANCES.
WE ALL COME TO THE TABLE AND

249
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,776
WORK OUT GRIEVANCES.
>> WE GOT A GRIEVANCE.

250
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,076
>> I THINK THERE’S SOMETHING
THAT NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED.

251
00:12:59,078 --> 00:13:02,078
I’VE INVITED A GUEST TO TALK TO
US ABOUT IT.

252
00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:04,350
>> A MEDIATOR TO DEAL WITH THIS
SURPRISE EVERY WEEK.

253
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:07,050
>> I’M EXCITED FOR THIS.
>> THERE WE GO.

254
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,488
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ED
HARRIS.

255
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:12,588
>> OH, NO!
OH, NO!

256
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:15,328
>> MY MIND IS BLOWN!
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!

257
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:19,428
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> I DON’T EVEN KNOW, LIKE, I

258
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:22,935
‐‐ I ‐‐ I ‐‐
>> ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE’LL BE

259
00:13:22,935 --> 00:13:26,165
BACK AFTER THIS BREAK WHEN THE
GUYS CAN TALK AGAIN.

260
00:13:34,847 --> 00:13:38,377
[LAUGHTER]
>> OH, MY GOD.

261
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:40,820
>> I AM SPEECHLESS.
>> YOU GUYS ARE HAVING DINNER

262
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,156
OR WHAT?
>> THANK YOU FOR JOINING US,

263
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,686
MR. HARRIS.
I APPRECIATE YOU COMING TO

264
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:48,161
THANKSGIVING DINNER.
>> OH, MY GOD.

265
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,330
>> WHAT’S UP WITH THIS
THANKSGIVING BUSINESS?

266
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:54,330
>> EVERY WEEK WE HAVE DINNER,
ED, AND THIS WEEK WAS THE THEME

267
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,302
OF THANKSGIVING.
I KNOW YOU HAD SEEN THE CLIP

268
00:13:56,302 --> 00:14:01,372
WHEN WE HAD JEFF DANIELS ON AND
HOW THAT WHOLE, HOW THAT WHOLE

269
00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:04,310
CONVERSATION UNFOLDED.
>> AND I WAS WALKING PALS THE

270
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,779
THEATER ONE NIGHT, AND I SAW ED
HARRIS, AND I DIDN’T MEAN TO,

271
00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:10,579
BUT I LOOKED AT ED HARRIS LIKE
YOU SON OF A BITCH.

272
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:12,952
BECAUSE HE HAD TAKEN OVER YOUR
ROLE.

273
00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:16,155
TELL US WHAT WENT DOWN BETWEEN
AND YOU ED HARRIS.

274
00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:19,255
[LAUGHTER]
IF YOU WANT TO SAY [BEEP] ED

275
00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:22,795
HARRIS, JUST SAY IT.
>> SO THE FIVE OF US HATE ED

276
00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:23,395
HARRIS.
[LAUGHTER]

277
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:28,866
>> YOU HEAR THAT, ED HARRIS?
>> I PUT IT IN QUOTES.

278
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:32,068
[LAUGHTER]
>> OH, MY GOD.

279
00:14:32,071 --> 00:14:35,007
>> SO I JUST WANTED TO INVITE
YOU TO DINNER AND EXTEND A

280
00:14:35,007 --> 00:14:37,377
BRANCH SO YOU CAN SAY HELLO TO
MY FRIENDS.

281
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:41,947
>> MR. HARRIS, LET ME BE THE
FIRST TO SAY IT, I KNOW YOU ARE

282
00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:44,016
ONE OF THE BEST ACTORS ON THE
PLANET.

283
00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:46,085
[LAUGHTER]
>> NOW, DID I WRITE THIS A

284
00:14:46,085 --> 00:14:48,585
COUPLE OF WEEKS SNAG I DID.
I DID WRITE THAT.

285
00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:53,658
BUT IF YOU SEE, IT’S JEFF
DANIELS WHO SAID IT.

286
00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:59,399
MR. HARRIS, CAN I SAY I’VE BEEN
A LONG‐TIME FAN, AND I

287
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,399
APOLOGIZE FOR THAT NIGHT
OUTSIDE THE THEATER.

288
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:04,871
I DON’T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER
IT, HOPEFULLY YOU DON’T.

289
00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:06,539
PROBABLY DON’T.
WOW.

290
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:09,739
I AM FEELING THE HEAT RIGHT
NOW.

291
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:10,510
[LAUGHTER]
>> Q.

292
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,745
>> I AM NOT GOOD.
>> YOU’RE IN THE HOT SEAT,

293
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,845
BUDDY.
YOU GAVE THE STINK EYE TO ED

294
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:17,717
HARRIS, AND HERE HE IS SO CALL
YOU OUT ON YOUR BULL [BEEP].

295
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:20,017
>> ME?
ALL OF YOU WERE SAYING [BEEP]

296
00:15:20,019 --> 00:15:23,589
ED HARRIS, ALL OF YOU.
>> I’M TRYING TO REMEMBER BACK

297
00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:25,789
TO THAT NIGHT.
>> PLEASE DON’T.

298
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,692
[LAUGHTER]
>> YOU HAD THE BEARD BACK THEN,

299
00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:30,096
DIDN’T HE?
>> I HAD THE BEARD, YEAH, YEAH,

300
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,496
YEAH.
>> WERE YOU WEARING THAT SAME

301
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:33,328
HAT?
NO.

302
00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:36,436
>> I MIGHT ‐‐ ACTUAL, PROBABLY
WAS, YEAH.

303
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,996
>> YOU’RE THAT [BEEP] GUY?
JESUS.

304
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:42,508
[LAUGHTER]
>> WE HAD GONE ‐‐ WE TOUR, AND

305
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:46,378
WE SHARE A TOUR BUS.
AND ONE NIGHT WE WATCHED "THE

306
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,609
ROCK," WHICH YOU’RE IN, WHICH
WAS GREAT.

307
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:51,517
AND PHENOMENAL.
>> YOU REMEMBER THAT, ED?

308
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:54,387
YOU WERE IN "THE ROCK."
SO WE’VE ALWAYS HAD AN

309
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:56,487
AFFINITYY FOR YOU.
WHEN YOU CAME UP IN THE

310
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:57,619
CONVERSATION, IT WAS JUST
REALLY, REALLY FUN.

311
00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:00,593
>> YEAH, IT WAS FUN.
>> CAN I ALSO SAY, AND THIS IS

312
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:06,165
JUST APROPOS OF NOTHING, BUT
YOU ARE SO [BEEP] HANDSOME.

313
00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:07,465
[LAUGHTER]
YOU’RE JUST GOD BLESSED.

314
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,536
>> TELL MY WIFE, YEAH.
I’LL LET HER KNOW.

315
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:15,106
>> ED, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OR
SEEN "IMPRACTICAL JOKERS"

316
00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:16,737
BEFORE?
>> I’VE GOT TO BE HONEST

317
00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:20,246
WUFMENT I WAS NOT AWARE OF YOU
FOUR GUYS DOING THIS.

318
00:16:20,246 --> 00:16:23,616
>> SO YOUR INTRODUCTION WAS US
SAYING F ED HARRIS.

319
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:26,486
>> WELL, YEAH, I DID YOU NOT
REALLY GET THAT FROM THE SHOW.

320
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,186
I DIDN’T FEEL INSULTED OR
ANYTHING.

321
00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:31,817
AS MUCH AS YOU WERE TRYING, IT
JUST DIDN’T COME ACROSS THAT

322
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,125
WAY.
[LAUGHTER]

323
00:16:33,125 --> 00:16:36,195
>> I DIDN’T HAVE THE STONES TO
PULL IT OFF, I GUESS.

324
00:16:36,195 --> 00:16:40,065
>> ED, CAN YOU SPEAK A LITTLE
BIT TOWARD WHAT THE BEEF

325
00:16:40,066 --> 00:16:42,126
ACTUALLY IS BETWEEN AND YOU
JEFF DANIELS?

326
00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:45,771
>> YEAH.
I WOULD IF I COULD, BUT THERE’S

327
00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:47,807
NO BEEF AT ALL.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I DIDN’T GET

328
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:51,177
A CHANCE TO SEE JEFF DO THE
SHOW EARLIER, AND THEN WHEN

329
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:54,777
THEY ASKED ME TO DO IT, I
DIDN’T WANT TO SEE IT, BECAUSE

330
00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:55,910
I JUST DIDN’T WANT TO BE
INFLUENCED.

331
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:58,918
BUT HE WAS REALLY COOL, BECAUSE
DURING REHEARSAL, HE LET ME USE

332
00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:00,987
HIS DRESSING ROOM AND STUFF
DURING THE DAY WHEN THEY HAD

333
00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:04,056
NIGHT SHOWS AND WE WERE
REHEARSING ON STAGE, THE LAST

334
00:17:04,056 --> 00:17:07,956
COUPLE 10 DAYS.
>> WHAT WAS THE EXPERIENCE LIKE

335
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,096
FOR YOU BEING ON BROADWAY?
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, THE BIGGEST

336
00:17:10,096 --> 00:17:12,965
TRIP WAS, YOU GUYS PROBABLY
READ ABOUT IT, WE DID THE SHOW

337
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:14,995
FOR 18,000 KIDS IN MADISON
SQUARE GARDEN.

338
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:16,269
>> WHOA!
>> WOW!

339
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:20,569
>> THAT BLEW MY MIND, BECAUSE
THEY WERE INTO IT.

340
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:21,607
THEY WERE ATTENTIVE, DIGGING
IT.

341
00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:22,975
IT WAS REALLY COOL.
IT WAS REALLY EXCITING.

342
00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:24,705
>> I THINK I HEAR YOU’RE
SAYING.

343
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,579
YOU’RE SAYING [BEEP] JEFF
DANIELS.

344
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:29,615
>> I HEAR YOU’RE SAYING.
YOU’RE SAYING [BEEP] JEFF

345
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:31,615
DANIELS.
>> YEAH, WE’RE ALL SAYING

346
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:34,887
[BEEP] JEFF DANIELS, YEAH.
>> RIGHT, I HEAR YOU, YOU’RE

347
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,587
RIGHT.
>> JEFF DANIELS, IF YOU’RE

348
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:39,689
WATCHING, [BEEP] YOURSELF,
BECAUSE ED HARRIS IS REALLY THE

349
00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:42,228
MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND.
>> JEFF, DON’T LISTEN TO THESE

350
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:43,858
GUYS.
LOVE YOU, MAN.

351
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:47,867
>> YOU’RE SO KIND TO COME ON
OUR LITTLE RINKY‐DINK SHOW.

352
00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:50,497
>> PLEASURE, GUYS.
>> I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

353
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:53,172
>> HOPEFULLY I CAN COME BACK
SOMEDAY.

354
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:55,272
>> YEAH, WE WOULD LOVE IT.
YOU’RE FANTASTIC.

355
00:17:55,274 --> 00:17:56,709
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING
THE TIME, ED.

356
00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:59,039
WE LOVE YOU, MAN.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH, MR.

357
00:17:59,045 --> 00:17:59,845
HARRIS.
WOW.

358
00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:01,205
JUST WOW.
>> BYE‐BYE.

359
00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:05,283
>> OH, MY GOD.
HOW DID YOU DO THAT TO ME, JOE?

360
00:18:05,284 --> 00:18:07,019
[LAUGHTER]
>> MY MIND IS BLOWN.

361
00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:09,789
>> I CAN’T BELIEVE IT.
>> I TELL YOU, HOW MANY TIMES

362
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:12,959
IN MY LIFE HAVE I ACTUALLY BEEN
STAR TRUCK?

363
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,989
PROBABLY LESS THAN I CAN COUNT
ON ONE HAND.

364
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:17,463
THIS CAN’T BE GOOD TELEVISION,
BECAUSE I HAD NOTHING TO SAY TO

365
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:18,397
THE MAN.
I FAILED YOU.

366
00:18:18,397 --> 00:18:20,427
I FAILED THE THREE OF YOU.
I FAILED THE VIEWER.

367
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,135
I FAILED THE SHOW.
BECAUSE I ADDED NOTHING TO

368
00:18:23,135 --> 00:18:25,265
THAT.
I ONLY MADE IT WORSE.

369
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:30,209
>> WELL, VERY STOIM YOUR WORK
ON "JOKERS," SAL.

370
00:18:30,209 --> 00:18:33,509
>> FINDING MYSELF IN THIS ED
HARRIS, JEFF DANIELS THING IS

371
00:18:33,512 --> 00:18:37,817
ACTUALLY THE SECOND TIME THAT
I’VE HAD SOME SORT OF TROUBLE

372
00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:40,617
WITH A HOLLYWOOD LEGEND,
BECAUSE YOU REMEMBER THAT J. K.

373
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:49,060
SIMMONS WAS LOOKING FOR ME FOR
YEARS, AND J. K. PLAYED J. JONAH

374
00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:51,297
JAMESON IN THE "SPIDER‐MAN"
MOVIE.

375
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,827
HIS FAMILY IS FANS OF
"IMPRACTICAL JOKERS."

376
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:56,502
HIS WIFE BROUGHT THEIR OLDEST
KID TO THE LIVE SCOMMOW SAT IN

377
00:18:56,502 --> 00:18:57,870
THE FRONT ROW, AND SHE’S
BEAUTIFUL.

378
00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:00,870
SHE’S QUITE STRIKING.
AND I POINTED OUT HOW BEAUTIFUL

379
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:03,109
SHE WAS.
AND THEN SHE GOES, OH, I’M HERE

380
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,978
MY SON, AND EVERYBODY LAUGHED
BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE I WAS

381
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,378
HITTING ON HER IN FRONT OF HER
SON.

382
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:11,350
AND THEN WE FOUND OUT THAT THAT
WAS J. K.’S WIFE, AND THEN AT

383
00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:16,155
THE "SPIDER‐MAN" PREMIERE, HE
COMES UP TO ME AND GOES, YOU,

384
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,815
I’VE BEEN LOOKING TO TALK TO
YOU FOR YEARS NOW.

385
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:23,763
AT THE PREMIERE, HE WALKED UP
TO ME AND WENT, WHERE IS HE?

386
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:26,432
I SOLD YOU OUT SO FAST.
HE WAS LIKE, HE’S RIGHT OVER

387
00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:27,932
THERE, J. K.
[LAUGHTER]

388
00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:31,237
>> HE WAS INTIMIDATING.
>> WHAT A GREAT DUDE HE IS,

389
00:19:31,237 --> 00:19:32,037
TOO.
HE’S GREAT.

390
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:35,068
>> A FEW YEARS AGO, WE WERE
FLYING L. A. FOR SOMETHING.

391
00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:40,846
AND SITTING NEXT TO ME WAS ZOE
SALDANA.

392
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:43,215
IT&IT HAD BECOME MY BIRTHDAY
OVERNIGHT ON THE FLIGHT.

393
00:19:43,215 --> 00:19:47,445
AS HER AND I WERE WALKING OFF
THE PLANE, I TURNED TO HER AND

394
00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:50,523
SAID, MS. SALDANA, IT’S MY
BIRTHDAY.

395
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:54,193
SHE SAID, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
AND SHE TOOK OFF.

396
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,362
[LAUGHTER]
>> I THINK THAT WAS RON HOWARD,

397
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:57,562
REMEMBER?
WE SAW RON HOWARD.

398
00:19:57,563 --> 00:20:00,833
AND I GOT SO SURPRISED BY, IT I
JUST LOOKED AT HIM AND WENT, I

399
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:04,336
HEARD YOU’RE DIRECTING THE NEW
"SOLO" MOVIE NOW.

400
00:20:04,336 --> 00:20:07,206
HE GOT RIGHT IN THE CAR AND
DROVE OFF.

401
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:13,776
>> THE FLIP SIDE IS NOW THAT
WE’RE CELEBRITIES, I MEAN, Z

402
00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:15,909
LEVEL.
>> ONE OF THE LITERAL COOLEST

403
00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:19,785
THINGS HAD A THAT EVER HAPPENED
TO ME, I WAS OUT IN A MALL, AND

404
00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,215
I WAS IN LINE TO PURCHASE SOME
SHOES.

405
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:24,690
I WAS AT A SNEAKER STORE.
AND THERE WAS A GUY DOING THE

406
00:20:24,690 --> 00:20:25,990
LARRY BIT.
>> OH, REALLY?

407
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:27,760
>> NOT KNOWING I WAS IN THE
STORE.

408
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:31,230
>> OH, MY GOVEPLED
>> JUST DOING IT TO MAKE HIS

409
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,065
FRIEND LAUGH.
>> AND I WALKED UP, I HAD

410
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:35,525
GOTTEN MYSELF, AND I WALKED
OUT, I TAPPED HIM ON THE

411
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:38,104
SHOULDER AND I SAID I LOOKED
ALL OVER AND CAN’T FIND HIM,

412
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:41,173
AND I WALKED WAY.
AND YOU WATCH THE KID’S MIND

413
00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:43,743
GET BLOWN.
IT WAS ONE OF THE COOLEST

414
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:46,412
THINGS EVER JUST TO SEE THAT.
BECAUSE HE WAS JUST DOING

415
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:47,980
SOMETHING WE DID TO MAKE HIS
FRIENDS LAUGH.

416
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:51,280
>> IT WAS REALLY, REALLY FUNNY.
>> THAT’S FUNNY, BECAUSE I’LL

417
00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:53,619
POP OUT OF A SCOMBUSH SAVE A
KID’S LIFE AND YOU’LL POP OUT

418
00:20:53,619 --> 00:20:56,789
OF AN AISLE AND SAY LARRY.
>> LARRY, YEAH.

419
00:20:56,789 --> 00:21:00,826
AND WE’RE BOTH HEROES.
I GOT TO GO ON THE SET OF "LAW

420
00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:03,556
& ORDER" A FEW YEARS AGO.
A FRIEND OF MINE IS A WRITER ON

421
00:21:03,562 --> 00:21:06,365
THE SHOW.
>> WHY?

422
00:21:06,365 --> 00:21:08,165
WHY DIDN’T BRING NOTICE THAT?
WHEN WAS?

423
00:21:08,167 --> 00:21:12,037
>> YOU WERE TOO BUSY POPPING
OUT OF BUSHES TO SAVE PEOPLE’S

424
00:21:12,037 --> 00:21:12,967
LIVES.
>> I DON’T THINK I’VE EVER SEEN

425
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:18,942
A "LAW & ORDER" IN MY LIFE.
>> HOW DO I GET ON "S. V. U.,"

426
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:21,280
THAT’S THE QUESTION.
>> WE DON’T AUDITION WELL.

427
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:25,280
I AUDITIONED FOR THE SOAP OPERA
"PASSIONS," AND I WATCHED SOME

428
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:27,853
OF IT.
IT IS MORT FEWINGLY

429
00:21:27,853 --> 00:21:31,223
EMBARRASSING.
WE DON’T AUDITION WELL AT ALL.

430
00:21:31,223 --> 00:21:33,292
>> WHAT IS THIS STPWHE YOU JUST
TOLD YOUR STORY.

431
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,027
>> YOU GOT A MOUSE IN YOUR
POCKET?

432
00:21:35,027 --> 00:21:37,527
>> YEAH, I WANT TO BE THE GUY
THAT, LIKE, GETS INTERVIEWED BY

433
00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:39,260
THE COPS, BUT HAS NO TIME FOR
THE COPS.

434
00:21:39,265 --> 00:21:42,568
IT’S LIKE IF THE COPS SHOWED UP
AT YOUR HOUSE, YOU’D PROBABLY

435
00:21:42,568 --> 00:21:46,538
BE LIKE, HOW CAN I HELP?
"S. V. U., I DON’T KNOW, SHE WAS

436
00:21:46,539 --> 00:21:49,139
HERE LAST WEEK, ORDER UP, SHE
WAS HERE LAST WEEK.

437
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:51,477
SHE CAME IN HERE, SHE HAD A
SANDWICH, I DON’T KNOW.

438
00:21:51,477 --> 00:21:54,077
SHE’S A NICE KID.
I DON’T KNOW WHERE!

439
00:21:54,079 --> 00:21:57,316
LOOK, I GOT TO GO!
AND THEN THE SCENE ENDS.

440
00:21:57,316 --> 00:22:00,416
EVERY INTERVIEW GOES LIKE THAT,
IT’S SO FUNNY.

441
00:22:00,419 --> 00:22:02,388
>> LATER THEY SAY THAT GUY
AGAIN.

442
00:22:02,388 --> 00:22:04,718
YOU AGAIN?
IT’S THE BEST WITH S. V. U. GOES

443
00:22:04,723 --> 00:22:07,893
TO STATIN ISLAND.
IT’S ALMOST BORDERLINE

444
00:22:07,893 --> 00:22:10,396
OFFENSIVE.
LIKE, IT’S ALWAYS LIKE A WOMAN

445
00:22:10,396 --> 00:22:13,566
WITH A SCRUNCHIE AND A PONY
TAIL COMING OUT, LIKE AN

446
00:22:13,566 --> 00:22:15,196
OVERSIZED SWEATSHIRT GOING, I
DON’T KNOW.

447
00:22:15,201 --> 00:22:17,169
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
OH!

448
00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:20,269
>> IT DOES SEEM LIKE YOU’RE
AUDITIONING QUIETLY RIGHT NOW,

449
00:22:20,272 --> 00:22:22,741
Q, FOR THE SHOW.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

450
00:22:22,741 --> 00:22:25,578
I AIN’T GOT NO TIME FOR THIS.
OH, WHAT ARE WE DOING?

451
00:22:25,578 --> 00:22:28,178
>> ARE WE GOING TO COMMERCIAL
OR WITH NOT?

452
00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:36,620
WHAT ARE WE DOING OVER HERE?
>> ALL RIGHT, BOYS, WELL, THERE

453
00:22:36,622 --> 00:22:37,656
YOU GO.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

454
00:22:37,656 --> 00:22:40,786
>> HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> HAPPY THARKE FELLAS.

455
00:22:40,793 --> 00:22:43,762
>> NOW THE TRYPTOPHAN IS
KICKING IN.

456
00:22:43,762 --> 00:22:46,398
THIS IS ACTUAL AN HOUR‐LONG
EPISODE.

457
00:22:46,398 --> 00:22:49,098
WE’RE GOING TO SPEND THE NEXT
HALF‐HOUR TAKING A NAP.

458
00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:50,970
>> THE DESSERT TRAY COMES OUT
NOW.

459
00:22:50,970 --> 00:22:54,670
>> I GOT PECAN PIE AND APPLE
PIE, BECAUSE I LIVE A LIFE OF

460
00:22:54,673 --> 00:22:57,309
ANDS, NOT ORS.
>> WHO’S UP NEXT WEEK?

461
00:22:57,309 --> 00:23:00,546
>> I’M UP NEXT, FELLAS.
WHAT IS MY FAVORITE FOOD ON THE

462
00:23:00,546 --> 00:23:02,276
PLANET?
I LIKE ALL VARIETIES.

463
00:23:02,281 --> 00:23:03,616
>> SOUP.
>> SUSME

464
00:23:03,616 --> 00:23:05,876
>> SUSME
>> ANY KIND YOU WANT TO MAKE,

465
00:23:05,885 --> 00:23:10,789
MAKE YOUR OWN DARN SOUP.
>> DOES ANYBODY KNOW A GAZPACO?

466
00:23:10,789 --> 00:23:13,626
>> SHE KNOWS HOW TO RATTLE SOME
PANS AND GET SOME SOUP GOING

467
00:23:13,626 --> 00:23:18,356
OVER THERE, I’M POSITIVE OF IT.
I’M EXCITED TO SEE WHAT

468
00:23:18,364 --> 00:23:21,100
CALABASH TASTE I GET NEXT WEEK.
>> YOU’RE LEAVING IT OPEN,

469
00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:22,130
RIGHT?
SOUP, OPEN?

470
00:23:22,134 --> 00:23:24,403
>> OPEN.
SOUP OF YOUR CHOICE.

471
00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:26,203
I DON’T DISCRIMINATE.
IT’S ALL GOOD.

472
00:23:26,205 --> 00:23:28,274
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I’D LOVE TO
DO?

473
00:23:28,274 --> 00:23:30,542
SINCE WE HAVE THE THANKSGIVING
KIND OF THING GOING, I’D LIKE

474
00:23:30,542 --> 00:23:32,142
TO SAY SOMETHING I’M THANKFUL
FOR.

475
00:23:32,144 --> 00:23:37,716
I’M VERY THANKFUL TO MY NEW
FRIEND, ED HARRIS.

476
00:23:37,716 --> 00:23:41,286
[BEEP] JEFF DANIELS, AS WE
KNOW.

477
00:23:41,287 --> 00:23:44,617
>> WHO THE [BEEP] DOES JEFF
DANIELS THINK HE IS?

478
00:23:44,623 --> 00:23:47,993
>> I’M THANKFUL FOR MY NEW BEST
FRIEND, ED, COMING ON THE SHOW.

479
00:23:47,993 --> 00:23:51,263
THANK YOU.
>> I’D LOVE TO CONTINUE THAT

480
00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:54,066
CONVERSATION WHEN I’M NOT A
STAMMERING IDIOT.

481
00:23:54,066 --> 00:23:56,196
TRY TO BOND WITH YOU IN SOME
WAY.

482
00:23:56,201 --> 00:23:57,501
>> SAL, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN
AGAIN.

483
00:23:57,503 --> 00:24:00,439
YOU SHOT YOUR SHOT AND YOU LOST
IT, PAL.

484
00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:02,039
[LAUGHTER]
>> COULD YOU IMAGINE BEING,

485
00:24:02,041 --> 00:24:04,310
LIKE, EVEN A YOUNG ACTOR AND
YOU GET A BREAK, AND SOMEHOW

486
00:24:04,310 --> 00:24:05,978
YOU END UP BEING IN A SCENE
WITH THIS MAN?

487
00:24:05,978 --> 00:24:09,148
I SHOULD HAVE ASKED HIM THIS.
>> SAL COMES UP WITH GOOD

488
00:24:09,148 --> 00:24:10,178
QUESTIONS NOW.
[LAUGHTER]

489
00:24:10,182 --> 00:24:13,652
>> NO, I JUST WONDER WHAT IT’S
LIKE.

490
00:24:13,652 --> 00:24:16,588
ACTING OPPOSITE HIM F. YOU’RE
LIKE SOMEONE WHO’S COME UP AND

491
00:24:16,588 --> 00:24:17,918
SEEN ‐‐
>> THAT’S NOT A GOOD QUESTION

492
00:24:17,923 --> 00:24:20,693
FOR ED HARRIS.
YOU’RE ASKING ED WHAT IT’S LIKE

493
00:24:20,693 --> 00:24:23,662
FOR SOMEBODY ELSE TO ACT WITH
HIM.

494
00:24:23,662 --> 00:24:25,698
YOU STILL HAVE TERRIBLE
QUESTIONS FOR ED HARRIS, AND

495
00:24:25,698 --> 00:24:30,298
NOW WE’RE OUT OF TIME.
>> ED, IF I HAD TO ASK ED

496
00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:34,840
HARRIS ANYTHING AT ALL, IT
WOULD BE, YOU KNOW ‐‐

497
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:38,010
[LAUGHTER]
>> I’LL NEVER HAVE A