[ laughter ]
♪♪
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good dog?! [ laughter ]
♪♪
[ cymbals crashing ]
♪♪
[ laughter ]
Today we're at the colonial diner
Dropping checks to patrons.
However, there will be an additional
And unusual charge on the bill.
The catch is the weird fee has been written by the other guys
And if the customer refuses to pay it, you lose.
"stupid moron jerk fee with no penis"?
Pay it!
[ laughing ]
Paid.
♪♪
Murr: All right, sally v.
We're here again at the colonial diner.
You are working as a waiter.
When the time comes to give somebody the bill,
We're gonna add a little surcharge onto it.
I like this. I have fun playing this one.
Working behind the counter is our writer joe imburgio.
He's on our side.
Hey, seinfeld, the check's ready.
[ laughs ]
Murr: All right, sal. The table there's ready for their check.
Go drop it off. Hi, guys.
Were you guys waiting for the check?
Yes. Oh. They let me know.
Wanted to make sure I got the right table.
Turkey burger, cobb salad, iced tea?
Okay. And then, uh,
They did hit you for five on the rigamarole charge.
They gave you the old rigamarole there.
[ laughter ]
The what? They-- they gave you the rigamarole.
What the hell's that mean? They gave you the rigamarole.
Rigamarole? I didn't order that.
[ laughter ]
But did you give them the rigamarole?
I don't know what the hell a rigamarole is!
What's rigamarole?
It's the charge they give. Like a...
Is this a tip? No, no. The tip is the tip.
This is, I guess -- how to explain it?
They're giving you the rigamarole.
It's a charge. Q: Uh-oh!
It's the usual rigamarole charge.
I'm 77 years old. I never heard of that in my life.
I never heard of that shit.
[ laughing ]
You never heard of it
Because they're giving you the rigamarole charge.
Well, I'm gonna go talk to them, because that's bullshit.
[ laughter ]
You can just speak to the gentleman right at the counter.
If there's anything I can do for you, just let me know.
I won't give you the rigamarole.
[ laughter ]
You got an uphill battle. There's no way, sal.
You know what? Take a picture of this.
'cause I got to show this to steve.
Murr: Oh, he's calling in steve!
Hey, imburg, there's a dude
Who has no time for rigamarole coming your way, bud.
How. How was everything, sir? How are we doing today?
What the hell is this bullshit? The rigamarole.
Dude, I think if she had gone up, you would have had a shot.
I know.
Oh, they bang you with the rigamarole charge?
Yeah. What is that?
Well, they gave you the rigamarole.
Yeah. Well, you know what? I'm giving you the rigamarole.
I'm paying $33.
[ laughter ]
We had no idea the rigamarole
Would spiral into further rigamarole.
What is the rig-- rigamarole?
What is that [bleep]
I'm confused. Are you giving me rigamarole
Or am I giving you rigamarole?
No. You've given it to me, and giving it back to you.
Come on. [ laughter ]
Sir, what does steve think? [ laughter ]
♪♪
So, guys, this table of women have asked for separate bills.
So there's two bills in here.
Q: You got it? Yeah.
The intention being to set the customers against each other
And then ultimately against murray.
Hi, guys. How was the food today? Good?
Very good, thank you.
You asked for separate bills, right?
Woman: Yes. Okay.
My apologies. You had the mediterranean salad with salmon?
That's you. Okay. For your bill,
They tacked you with the server-felt-rushed fee.
What? It's a $5 --
[ laughter ]
You had maria. Maria's one of our best, but --
Did you hurry the server, maybe?
Women: No!
Do you know how she felt about it?
But how did she feel about it?
Did she feel rushed, do you think -- maria?
We didn't say anything.
We're sitting here like this. Do we look rushed?
It is on your check,
So I assume that you're the one that rushed the waitress.
What did I do?
Did you say "hurry up with the check"?
Did you snap at her at any point?
Did you snap at her at any point, perhaps?
[ laughter ]
No. I asked her a question about the omelet.
Well, that's it then. That might have been it.
[ laughter ]
Wait. Asking a question is rushed?
If you did it in a rushed tone or, you know...
Oh, come on.
She's pretty upset. [ laughs ]
She's pretty upset. She's in the back.
What? I know, I know.
Well, upset about one of you -- the rusher.
She's not upset with both of you.
She's, you know... Me?
Yeah. She's upset with this...
Woman: What did I do?
I have never been rude to a worker in my life.
I'm starting to feel a little threatened.
Woman: Let's go. That's ridiculous.
I got to be honest. I'm feeling a little...
So I'm gonna step away too, but...
[ laughter ]
They'll speak to up front if you like, okay?
That's [bleep] ridiculous.
[ laughter ]
You want to hear something rude? I'll be rude.
I don't know, bud. She's pretty upset.
♪♪
Oh, she's in her own head now.
[ indistinct conversations ]
[ laughter ]
Do we leave this girl a tip? What do we do?
No. I'm not paying this at the front desk.
Oh! That don't bode well!
Where is she? I want to talk to her.
[ laughter ]
Even she's laughing now.
Hey. How was everything?
Oh, the server-felt-rushed fee.
I don't know what she's talking about.
The one on the right didn't rush.
You didn't rush is my understanding, correct?
'cause your bill doesn't have the fee.
But I don't know what she rushed.
But she's sitting with me. Like, we're chatting.
I absolutely can take this off if you don't want to pay.
Yeah. I don't want to pay it.
Aah! Is it really that big a surprise?
Okay. One second. Let's get maria out here
And figure this out because no one needs to go home unhappy.
Woman: I'll get her. You want her?
Here's maria. There's maria right here.
Woman: Okay. Oh.
[ laughter ]
♪♪
Sal: All right, q. This table by the window is asking for the bill.
Go drop it off and explain it.
Okay. I got it. You pay up front?
If that's all right. I want to make sure I have the right place
'cause I wasn't your waiter.
Uh, pancakes, home fries, bacon, egg and cheese.
Yep. Great. Okay.
And...Yeah.
They hit you with the $5 women's rights charge.
What does that mean?
Uh, well, what h--
W-women's rights.
No. I understand if it's a charity.
Shouldn't it be up to me to decide?
What happened is they put me in charge of hiring recently.
And I just hired -- we've been going here 30 years.
So you probably noticed how many dudes have been working here.
I got to tell you -- I got to be honest.
This is so outrageous that it's insulting.
[ laughing ]
No. Women's rights are really important. Yeah.
Women's rights are really important. We agree.
Are they $5 important?
No. It's not the monetary value.
So you're saying you have the right not to pay that?
So I guess you're saying you have a right not to pay that.
Women's rights.
[ laughter ]
The problem is I only hire dudes,
And they're getting pissed. And that's your issue.
Then it should come out of your pocket.
So I'm gonna take $5 from everybody and gonna give it --
You're gonna have a big issue.
[ laughter ]
Murr: So you're saying you have a right not to pay that?
So I guess you're saying you have a right not to pay that.
Women's rights.
[ laughter ]
The problem is I only hire dudes,
And they're getting pissed. And that's your issue.
Then it should come out of your pocket.
So I'm gonna take $5 from everybody and gonna give it --
You're gonna have a big issue.
There's no way!
What's so ironic is that she's like,
"I have the right not to pay this."
How was everything? It was good, thanks.
New to the check, considering we've been going here
For 25 year-- women's rights?
I see they hit you with the women's rights.
Well, people pay that to give you the right not to pay it.
It's sort of an option that you have. Yeah.
Okay.
She said women's rights were worth a lot more than $5.
She's so baffled.
Is this crazy? I want to give to women's rights.
I love women's rights. Oh, great. I'll leave the charge on there.
And I'll even give more, and I'll even give a bigger tip.
Oh! She said she'd give more!
But I just want to know where this is coming from.
It seems so crazy.
Let me just explain this for a second. So...
[ laughter ]
It goes to the women so that they have rights.
I'm glad. I am all for women's rights. Me too.
I will give even a big tip 'cause she was a great waitress.
I was just shocked.
So...So you're willing to give to women's rights?
Yes. Of course. That's wonderful.
Aah!
The tip will be going to men.
[ laughs ]
I'm a feminist!
Narrator: Sal and murr couldn't get their diners to fork it over,
So they're first up on the loser board.
Today we're in morton williams walking up to shoppers,
Giving them unsolicited etiquette advice.
The thing is, our helpful little tips will be given to us
By the other guys.
And if you refuse to correct someone's manners, you lose.
Get ready for a lot of blurs.
Yeah. We hate this bit. Why are we doing this?
I don't know!
Murr: All right, sal. We're in the supermarket today,
And you're gonna correct people on their rude behavior.
All right. Nice.
They may not even know they're being rude or...Unmannered-like.
Luckily they have sal there to tell them.
This one's tough.
You don't think people like
When you correct them about their behavior?
No, they don't.
Oh, excuse me, miss.
Uh...
Mind your business.
I was just gonna say mind your business.
That's all I'm gonna say.
Just because, you know... It's my business.
That's all.
[ laughter ]
Murr: Oh, my god!
It's so hard to watch.
It's hard to watch?
[ laughing ]
Sal, do you have hand sanitizer on you?
I mean, of course, right?
Yes.
I don't like this.
Look at that guy. Get that hand sanitizer out.
Excuse me, sir. Here you go, sir.
Excuse me, sir. Here you go.
I saw you scratch your penis.
Man: What is this? I saw you touch your penis.
I caught you touching the penis.
It's yours. Use it. It's for you.
No, no.
Not nuts. Penis.
Not n-- no. Not your -- [ chuckles ]
Not your nuts. Not your nuts. Your penis.
The penis, not the nuts.
Oh. I thought you said "my nuts."
We all do it. It's okay.
I touched mine earlier.
[ laughter ]
I meant no disrespect. Smells like apple.
Okay. Thank you, sir.
He said [bleep] off! He said [bleep] off?
[ laughing ]
Go up to this woman here coming up behind you.
Excuse me. Take out the sanitizer.
I saw you touch your penis.
I saw you t-- [ sighs ]
[ laughter ]
Uh...Nah. Thank you.
I mean, that's the easiest loss on the planet!
Q: That's a thumbs-down, dude.
♪♪
I don't like this bit.
The thing about this bit is, like, it's not fun at any point.
I know. I know. It just sucks.
Sal: It's like a punishment within a challenge.
Yeah. You got to see sal's face.
It looks like he just came back from the war.
[ laughter ]
The guy in the hat.
Excuse me, um, sir. I smell what you did.
I...
Sir, I, um...
I smell what you did.
Q: Apologize. Just...Apologize.
What'd I do? [ laughter ]
You gonna speak or you're not?
I-I do.
Q: The fartskis. [ laughs ] the -- the fartskis.
The -- you know, the...
Sal: The ass blast. You ripped -- you ripped ass.
That was -- that was you.
We all smelled it.
You're walking around dealing.
It's a fartski. Sal: Crop dusting.
You're crop dusting, if you will.
There are no crops here to be dusted, sir.
The fartski. The stanko.
[ laughter ]
I smell what you did last summer.
Sir, I smell what you did last summer.
[ laughter ]
Unlike sal, you seem to, like, get into a gleeful space.
I'm no pushover.
Sal: He's staring at you, dude. He's giving you dirty looks.
I'm doing a drive-by.
Toot, toot!
[ laughter ]
Murr, you can stop. You can stop!
Sal: Murr, go over to her.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
This is new york.
Yes.
Walk at a new york pace. Walk at a new york pace, right?
Excuse me? Walk at a new york pace.
I'll walk at whatever pace I want.
Well, it is new york.
We're not in canton, ohio, you know?
I've lived here for 45 years.
I'll walk at any [bleep] pace I want.
You mind your own business.
[ laughter ] oh, my god.
She dropped an f bomb.
♪♪
All right. Here we go. Here we go.
Murr: All right, q.
Excuse me.
Um...
I... [ stammering ]
Uh...Uh...
[ groaning, mumbling ]
[ laughter ]
What are you guys, f--
You fall [bleep] asleep back there?
It was so quick, and I looked at him,
And I was like, "what would go good with him?"
And it was just -- I couldn't register.
So instead I stood there and went, "fff-fahh"?
[ mumbling ]
Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, buddy.
That's on us. That's on me.
Murr: There we go.
Excuse me.
Hats off, man.
Hey. Y-you're indoors. Maybe take the hat off?
What's that? Maybe take the hat off.
You're indoors. Are you serious?
We live in a society. Yeah. It is a society. I forgot.
Yeah. So maybe take the hat off. You're indoors.
All right. Go ahead.
Murr: But you haven't taken the hat off, sir.
I can't help but notice the hat's still on, sir.
♪♪
Q: You got it. There he goes!
Welcome to society, my friend.
[ laughter ]
Murr: Q, go up to the guy with the blue jacket.
Q: Excuse me.
Time for a haircut, no?
Um...
[ laughter ]
♪♪
Um, time for a haircut, no?
♪♪
Time for a haircut, no?
No. No.
[ laughter ]
Time for a haircut? No.
A little -- a little of both. That's what I thought.
Murr: [ laughing ] oh, no.
Yeah. Touché.
Why? 'cause of my brutal honesty?
I don't think that's honesty.
Saying it's time for a haircut's not honest?
What is it? No.
Annoying.
Obnoxious.
[ laughter ] presumptuous.
Yeah. Rude.
Yeah.
That's honesty.
All right. Stop being difficult.
[ laughter ]
Yeah. I guess. Well, stop being difficult.
Yeah. Very good. That's a good idea.
All right!
Take care, buddy.
Later, pal.
Oh, you were talking to him?
Oh.
Can I get the [bleep] out of here?
[ laughter ]
Narrator: Sal should have minded his own business,
So he's tonight's big loser.
All right. Sal lost.
But I got to tell you, buddy, you look great.
You do. Yeah! Look at him!
Major gains.
So great, in fact, that we want you to show off
Your brand-new workout routine in front of a room
Full of health and lifestyle enthusiasts.
And the routine?
Oh, you'll know what the routine is. I'll know when I get in there?
Second you walk in and see your equipment,
You're gonna know exactly what you have to do.
All right.
Murr: All right, sal. Enter your fitness studio.
[ laughter ]
There it is! That's how you lost the weight.
Oh, boy. All right. Well, I don't know if --
Q: I wouldn't worry about that so much, bud.
Your clients, they probably wouldn't be able
To do much either on that pole.
[ laughter ]
That's the look we wanted.
All right, sal. Step out.
We're gonna bring in the audience for one more surprise.
Let's see who these people are.
You can re-enter the room.
Hey.
[ laughter ]
You're about to teach pole dancing
To the greatest generation, buddy.
All right.
How's the day been going so far?
Murr: They're all eating sandwiches. Why?
Yeah. I notice that you guys are all just right
In the middle of lunch right now.
That's excellent. Okay.
I go by sal.
But here today, I'm called major gains.
What we do here is we learn low-impact...
They're just chowing down on ham sandwiches.
...Because there is a low-impact workout
To fit everyone's needs and lifestyle.
All right, sal. Let's start with a slide show.
I'm gonna take you through a little bit of who I am
And what I do.
So the vulcano system is the thing that I use --
My name is sal vulcano.
I specialize in core strength training
Through movement and dance.
Uh...I used to weigh 1,000 pounds.
[ laughter ]
That is me.
[ laughter continues ]
Yeah. Thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah.
Man: Very impressive.
Murr: He's got the god bless shirt on!
That's my merch. Okay. Great.
My obesity caused many issues in my life,
And nothing really happened for me
Until I committed to a healthy lifestyle.
So here you go. This is me.
Murr: He's now lost 300 pounds,
So that means he still weighs 700 pounds.
This is me just about last year,
And you can see the journey I've made.
It's all thanks to... P.O.L.
The pol system.
You're a pole dancer?
[ laughter ]
All right, buddy, let's work the pole a little bit.
This is gonna be [bleep] rough, bro.
Here. Let's try this. [ mid-tempo music plays ]
♪ I never said this to another man ♪
♪ but I want to turn your body out ♪
How about this? First I'm going around.
I'm walking around, right?
[ laughter ]
[ music continues ]
Q: Yeah. Get in there. There you go.
Now I'm using the pole for guidance.
The pole's gonna steady me and support my back as I go down.
Murr: Sexier, sal. Sexier.
[ laughter ]
Now, what about just using the pole for support?
[ music continues ]
Sal, we wrote this song. You might recognize it.
♪ I'm a sensitive guy ♪
[ laughter ]
Show them what they could aspire to be.
Yeah. There we go!
That's it.
[ pole squeaking ]
[ music continues ]
[ laughing ] oh, my god!
What? What is this exercise?
What the [bleep] what are you doing?
It doesn't even look good.
No. This isn't really sexy. You're losing 'em.
Give me a big meow. Give me a big meow.
Meow! [ giggles ]
[ laughter ]
Cats rub their face on things. They rub their -- there you go.
Oh, no!
Oh, yeah! Ew!
[ laughing ] oh, no!
Okay. Now, am I working out? I am working out.
There we go!
Uh-oh! Here he comes!
Uh-oh. Somebody came in late to the class!
[ laughter ]
Murr: There we go! Here he comes!
Somebody came in late to the class!
[ laughter ]
That's sal's father!
A-are you late? Are you late?
Seems like I'm right on time.
Oh, y-- [ laughter ]
Dance for your father, sal!
Murr: Get on that pole, sal.
Show 'em what you're made of, bud.
[ mid-tempo music plays ]
[ laughing ] that's it! Yeah!
This is mortifying!
Your father sent you to college. Raised you.
I didn't think I would sweat this much today!
You barely did anything!
[ laughter ]
Didn't we put you in booty shorts?
Yeah. Buddy -- buddy, take off your pants!
Yeah. Where are the booty shorts?
Let's turn up the sexy! How did we forget about it?
Oh, god, no.
[ laughter ]
Q: Go dance for your dad.
[ mid-tempo music plays ] [ laughing ] that's it.
That's it, baby. Work the room.
♪ but I want to turn your body out ♪
[ laughter ]
I don't know what to do with myself right now.
I'm gonna jump out that window. I'm gonna jump out the window.
Murr: Get on the pole!
♪♪
I better see your butt cheeks clap!
Q: [ laughs ]
Really make those butt cheeks clap.
[ laughter ]
Clap those suckers.
[ laughing ] q is throwing up!
Cut out of the shot.
Q just threw up in a plant.
Does anybody want another sandwich?
I think I lost my appetite. You lost your appetite?
[ laughter ]
So nobody wants any more sandwiches?
Murr: Hate to interrupt,
But where are we at with the butt cheeks?
Sal's father: I don't want to interrupt,
But where are we at with the butt cheeks?
Let's go, major gains.
[ laughter ]
[ music continues ]
Murr: Oh, my god! Q: Yeah! Work it!
Yeah!
All right, buddy. If you're done with the workout,
We'll just hit one more video, okay?
It's a customer testimonial.
Sal: I know what you're thinking.
You don't believe in the system. Maybe you want proof.
Maybe you want testimony.
One of my favorite clients
Was nice enough to record testimonies.
Let's check it out.
My highest weight was 298 pounds.
I tried everything.
But no matter how much I tried, nothing worked.
I felt like I was trapped.
Then I discovered the vulcano system, and it changed my life.
The workouts are fun and easy,
And I lost over 100 pounds in one year.
And the best part is the pole doesn't ever need to be cleaned.
Like, never,
No matter how many times I use it or people after me use it.
Murr: Is that the same pole you've had your face against?
Your face was right on that pole, buddy.
[ laughter ]
Sal: I didn't see that video.
I didn't see the portion of that video
Where they filmed the workout with him.
What's disappointing to me, obviously,
Is I had rubbed my face up and down this pole
About 15 times, uh, before.
Your face was basically on his balls.
[ laughter ]
All right, sal. Big "flash dance" finish and you're done.
Sal's father: Oh, god.
[ mid-tempo music plays ]
[ laughter ]
Oh, that's it! Yeah!
♪ I'm a sensitive guy ♪
Oh! [ laughing ] that's it!
He's out. He's out.
Oh, my g-- all right. All right! All right. Stop.
Sal: Guys...
Oh, nice work, sal. Major gains!
Good job, buddy. Major gains.
Give me a hug, buddy.
[ laughs ] I can't believe you're here.