[ laughter ]
[ screaming ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good cat?
[ laughter ]
[ chuckles ]
[ laughter ]
Today we're at the american dream mall,
And we just found out they're giving away $100 cash
To couples that take a quick survey.
The only problem is we are alone.
So we'll have to convince a stranger to pose as our "wife"
While answering questions about our fake relationship.
And of course, all the answers
Will be made up by the other guys.
And if you refuse, you lose.
I'm gonna win. Why?
Because melyssa's been answering questions
About our fake marriage for years now.
Sal: Alright, babe, so you're going to try
To find a woman to pose as your wife.
Okay.
Q: We got phoebe out there helping us today.
You're going to be giving away gift cards to married couples.
Who can pass up a $100 gift card?
Excuse me. Do you want to --
Do you want to take that survey with me?
They're giving out $100 cash.
Here we go, here we go. It says married couples only.
Just pretend we're married.
Don't worry about it. What could go wrong?
They're not going to check anything in the details.
What's your name? Kristen.
James. Nice to meet you.
Let's go. I'll give you 50. You take 50.
Here we go. Murr's in. Look at the happy couple.
Hi. Phoebe: Hi!
Hi. We're here for the survey.
Oh, great. It's just a quick survey,
So I just need your honest answers, okay?
Okay. Okay.
How long have you guys been a couple?
He's never going to get this right.
Yeah. Well, married four years,
But together five.
-[ laughs ] -oh, she's playing ball.
Um, what's your favorite vacation that you took together?
I think hawaii was. Hawaii was amazing.
Murr, you think it's when you went skinny dipping
With her sisters at jones beach.
Also, there was that time that we all went skinny dipping,
You know, with your sister at jones beach.
That was great.
Yeah. [ q laughing ]
What was the worst fight you've ever had about?
"see, I think it was the time..."
See, for me, I think it was the time...
Q: "...I loaded the dishwasher wrong."
Murr: ...That I loaded the dishwasher wrong.
"and she punched me in the throat."
And she -- she --
Kristen punched me in the throat.
I did not do that.
It wasn't hard. It was just a --
To-may-to, to-mah-to. He's kidding. He's kidding.
It was just a throat punch.
I did not. But the dishwasher is annoying when he loads it wrong.
I apologize, love.
Q: She, like everybody else,
Already regrets being in murray's orbit.
Uh, what does date night look like for you two?
Okay. "oh, we sin.
We sin hard."
We -- I tell you what. We sin hard.
Hard sinning, right? Okay. Alright. Let's just --
Like burn in hell kind of sin.
I'm sorry.
[ both laugh ]
Just give me one second, okay? Okay.
I'll be right back.
This is the weirdest [bleep] survey.
Couples never agree on anything.
Yeah, I know.
[ both laugh ]
Phoebe: Thanks, guys.
Uh, what is one thing your partner does
That drives you crazy? Ah, okay.
"oh, she drank through our pregnancy."
I mean, she drank through the pregnancy.
That drove me crazy.
We've got two kids. Drank through both of them.
[ both laugh ]
Do you see yourself being with each other
For the rest of your lives?
Yeah, of course.
"ah, it's tough to say. New models roll off the lot
Every year."
Yes, we will.
We'll be together for the rest of our lives.
Ah, you got him!
[ both laugh ]
Okay, great. Thank you so much.
Phoebe: It was so nice to meet you.
Murr, you made it all the way to the end and then flopped.
Jesus christ -- what?
[ both laugh ]
I just made you $50. I thought I did pretty good.
Well, look at this. We're having our first fight.
[ buzzer ]
Guys? Q: Yeah?
Just like in real life, I think it's gonna be hard
For me to find a wife today.
That's not true. Look at you.
Excuse me.
Did you see what they're doing over there?
They're giving away $100 cash
To take a five-minute survey as a couple.
Do you want to make-believe we're a couple
And just get $50?
Oh! Oh, whoa! Alright.
Murr: Here we go! Hi.
Phoebe: Hi! Um, we just saw
The married couple survey.
You guys down to answer a couple questions?
Yeah, right, hon? Want to get this shmoney, right?
Yes.
How long have you two been a couple?
Almost -- almost eight years. Almost eight years.
Oh, she's in. Yeah, she's spinning lies.
Alright. What was the most difficult moment
Of your relationship?
"oh, I mean, o.J.'s death hit us pretty hard."
I don't know.
I mean...
O.J.'s death hit us pretty hard.
Right? That was tough, right?
Because, look, you don't want to see anybody die.
"especially not an innocent man."
Yeah, like -- [ laughter ]
You don't want to see anybody die, right?
No. Especially not an innocent man.
Yes.
Have you ever purchased clothes for your partner?
And if so, what did you buy them?
"yeah, actually, I bought her all the bullshit
She's wearing right now."
You? Have I ever purchased clothes
For you? Yeah, actually, I bought her all the bullshit
She's wearing right now.
[ speaks indistinctly ] liar.
And what is one thing your partner does
That drives you crazy?
"once a month, she sheds her uterus lining
Like some sort of arachnid."
[ both laugh ]
She goes to the salon once a month.
It can be a little pricy.
Oh! Nice going.
[ buzzer ]
Dude!
Sal: Alright, q. You're out there looking for a wife
To cash in for this 100 bucks.
The last thing I want is a wife.
[ laughs ]
Dude, they're giving away 100 bucks.
Alright, buddy. You want to do this?
Yeah, who cares? We'll just tell them we're married.
50 bucks cash. You want to do it?
What's your name? What's your name?
Murr: Here we go! Here we go! Dylan.
Hey! Hi, guys. Come on over!
Hi. Are you guys married?
Yeah, we're together. We're together.
Awesome. Yeah. This is me and dylan,
Me and dylan.
Murr: Good job, q. We just get 100 cash?
I have a few questions.
It'll take about five minutes.
We could use that. Right, honey?
[ laughter ]
He wants that 50, baby. He wants that 50.
He wants that shmoney.
Do you have pet names for each other?
"I call him screwbacca."
He likes --
[ murr laughs ]
Do you have pet names for each other?
Sal: "I call him screwbacca."
[ murr laughs ]
Maybe for him. Not me particularly, though.
I call him screwbacca.
Brr!
Screwbacca.
It's a play on chewbacca.
Um, have you ever purchased clothes for your partner?
And if so, what did you buy them?
"oh, I bought him a dog collar once."
"didn't go over well."
Yeah. Oh, I bought him a dog collar once.
That didn't go over well.
Remember that, when I tried to introduce that?
That's for a dog. You got that right.
[ both laugh ]
You dog, you know what I'm saying?
I was trying to spice things up a little bit, yeah, yeah.
Murr: "we like to keep it ruff, ruff."
Yeah, we like to keep it ruff, ruff.
[ laughter ]
How do you say I love you to your partner?
Murr: "we do this thing..."
We do this thing... "...Where we lock mouths..."
...Where we lock mouths...
"...And circular breathe into each other's throats..."
...And circular breathe into each other's throats...
"...Until one of us coughs."
...Until one of us coughs. Sal: What?
She said how do you say it, not act it.
[ laughter ]
I usually go by the term ditto.
Ditto. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he'll be in the shower, and I'll come up behind him
And be like, "I love you," and he'll be like...
Ditto.
[ both laugh ]
Can I just say, you're one of the realest gay couples
I've ever seen. Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Oh, I'm headed -- I gotta go meet my wife.
Take it easy, brother.
I just wanted to do it with you, babe.
[ ding! ]
Narrator: Murr and sal weren't marriage material,
So they're first up on the loser board.
Today, we're posing as lifestyle reporters
At the upscale food court at jackson co in long island city.
And while interviewing new yorkers
For this article that we're writing,
We'll have to do and say what the other guys tell us.
And if you refuse, you know what's gonna happen.
[ sal laughs ]
Q: This wooden bow tie,
Did you blow the dust off that thing, bud?
I'm a reporter for raptor magazine, fellas.
I mean, you look like a paleontologist.
Why are you dressed like that?
This is not what a beat reporter --
You're not a beat reporter in 1918.
What do you do to stave off disease?
Are flappers ruining society?
[ laughter ]
Hi. How are you? Good, how are you?
Your jacket is amazing. Thank you.
My name is james. I work with raptor magazine.
Do you mind if I ask you a few questions for the magazine
About style and fashion in new york?
Is that alright? Sure, sure. Sure.
Q: Alright. He's in, he's in.
What do you think the style of new york city is?
I think it's getting kind of like hipster vibes now.
Are the hipsters still, like, running wild in brooklyn,
Do you know? Yeah. Williamsburg.
Totally. Q: "ugh."
Ugh. God.
"I wish I could pick them off with a rifle."
I tell you, I wish I could just...
...Pick them all off with a rifle, you know?
"or a musket, in my case."
In the staten island case, a musket, you know?
Oh, yeah. That's the staten island way. Yeah, yeah.
[ both laugh ]
Uh-oh, murr. Murr, you're running out of paper, bud.
You got to start taking notes on your arm.
I've run out of room in the thing, so let me just improvise.
Okay. So who do you consider
Your pop culture icons, fashion wise?
Shawn mendes.
How would you describe shawn mendes' style,
And how it differs from harry styles?
Q: Here he goes, here he goes.
Definitely not as colorful.
Not as colorful. Q: He's not even writing words.
[ sal laughs ]
Interesting. Okay.
Probably wouldn't do some of the magazine covers
That harry's done.
Yeah, okay. I'm sorry. I ran out on the pad.
You're good.
He's just unhinged.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
It's your ex-girlfriend, bro.
Oh [bleep] you see the girl behind the pole over there?
Uh-huh. That is my crazy ex-girlfriend.
She cannot spot you, murr.
See if you can finish the interview under the desk.
I only have like three or four more questions.
Do you mind, uh, just -- okay, okay.
Q: Go ahead, murr. Get him under the table.
Murr: Good -- okay, just -- good, good, good.
Get lower. Here we go.
I can't.
[ q and sal laughing ]
So you went to three dollar bill, the restaurant, right?
The -- the club? Uh, yeah, the club.
That's unreal. It's unreal.
Q: Oh, murr, she found you!
Murr: Take me through what happened --
Hi! How you doing?!
Do you have a rifle?
[ ding! ]
Nice one, dude. He's working that wooden tie, man.
Wait, wait a -- I just noticed it! What are you doing?
You can't pull it off. You can't pull it off.
No one can pull it off.
I feel an evil has washed over me.
[ both laugh ] you son of a bitch!
Um, alright, guys.
I got a choice of four people here.
Sal, go up to that woman.
Just go, "oh, look at this [bleep] posse.
Who's the leo?"
You gonna make me say no out of the gate?
Oh, we're not making you say anything.
I'm just afraid if I -- if I lead with that, that'll --
I won't be credible for the rest of it.
Okay. It's up to you, bud. That's a no.
That's a no? But we'll let him go anyway.
So that's a loss.
So anything he does from this point on is --
Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, 'cause it's a loss.
Excuse me, sir. Hey.
Hey. Hi. My name is marcel.
I'm with raptor magazine.
It's a local new york city lifestyle magazine.
Can I talk to you for five minutes?
Awesome. Here we go.
Do you live in the area?
Okay. Do you work in the area?
Oh, excellent. Okay.
"where exactly do you get off?"
Oh, wow. Congrats.
Where exactly do you get off?
Uh, to go home?
Like, where do you get off?
Oh, sorry. I either get off at this station here,
Get on the r train, or I get off at --
[ both laughing ]
[ speaking indistinctly ] so, subway.
Subway, yeah. Gotcha.
Sal, keep saying, "and then?"
Never-ending question, buddy.
Jetblue's here. Okay. And then...?
Oh, alright, cool. And then?
[ both laugh ]
14? Yeah.
And then?
Yeah, you're here.
[ both laugh ]
There's no question.
Q: Throw in a "but..."
Back home, middle of February, you're hitting 65, 70 degrees.
Right, but... But here, you got snow.
You got rain.
Murr: "because...?" it's been cool
Because I'm not used to that. Because...?
Back home, you have hot.
Give me a however.
My closest friend I have, I met her at a joint outreach event.
However...
Just friends now. We're just friends.
Alright.
[ both laugh ]
Alright, we got everything we need here.
Hey, nice meeting you. I appreciate you.
Hey, sal, good job. Great job. Great job.
You did everything we said except the very first thing
We told you to say, "go up to the woman --"
Don't do that. Don't do that.
Which makes it a thumbs down,
Which makes everything you did...
For nothing! ...Useless, baby!
I will burn this right now.
Burn it. I got 100 more.
[ buzzer ] sorry, buddy.
Excuse me. Hi. My name is tony.
I'm working for, uh, raptor magazine.
Do you have like couple of minutes
To answer some questions? Okay.
I will not take up much of your lunch.
I know everybody's, like, busy. What is your name?
Chad.
Just start writing your to-do list.
You got to get cat litter.
How many days a week do work in the area?
Like six. Okay.
Uh, and then, I had to get...
Cat litter.
Uh, and then, where do you live?
Where is it you live?
Okay. I think she needed ham.
Alright. Murr: Q, do me a favor.
Pop a piece of gum in your mouth.
So, talking about fashion, like any brand loyalty?
Do you want a piece of gum?
When you feel ready, choke on that gum.
Um, and how would you describe overall new york city fashion?
A lot of streetwear. Streetwear?
[ q coughs ] murr: Oh, no.
[ wheezing indistinctly ]
No, no. Sorry. Gum. [ coughing ]
Murr: Uh-oh. Uh-oh!
[ sal laughing, q coughing ]
Murr: When you feel ready, choke on that gum.
[ q coughs ] murr: Oh, no.
[ wheezing indistinctly ]
No, no. Sorry. Gum. [ coughing ]
Uh-oh. Uh-oh! If only there was a good samaritan!
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Come on, get up, get up.
[ q coughing ]
Oh. I got it.
Alright. Thank you, thank you.
Q, immediately pop another piece of gum in your mouth.
Yeah, no, I'm okay. I'm okay.
Need water? No, I can -- you know what?
I'm worried. Let me just get another piece of gum, though.
Maybe not another piece right now.
[ laughter ]
It's okay. Two more questions. Two more questions.
"why do you think you're right for this position?"
And why do you think you're right for this position?
What? This was a survey of, uh --
Oh, my god. You're so right. I --
I lost a little oxygen when the --
Sorry. Okay.
Oh, q, you're choking on the spearmint again.
Yeah, so, like, a silly [bleep] is gonna wear, like, a wood --
[ coughing ]
Sure you're good?
Spear-- it's the spearmint. It always gets me.
Uh-oh! Dan, run in. Run in, buddy.
I got you, buddy, I got you.
Alright.
[ q spits ]
[ both laugh ]
Does he always choke on gum like this?
I'm leaving. I'm not going to be able to save you.
No, no, no, no, that's -- that can't happen a third time.
[ both laugh ]
Really? Really?
Oh, q, immediately pop another piece of gum in your mouth.
So you've been to staten island?
Mm-hmm. Okay.
What would be your fashion advice
To a new person to new york city?
Dress for the cold. Yep.
Oh, q, he's leaving. Choke again.
Thank you so much, man.
No, no. It's fine. It's fine. It's, uh --
Have a good one.
[ coughing ]
Murr: Dan, go, go, go! Go, go, get him!
[ q coughing ]
Where is he? Where is he? Oh.
Did he eat more gum?
Did you give him more gum?
I think he's had some gum.
He keeps eating gum!
[ ding! ]
Narrator: The reports are in. Sal is tonight's big loser.
Alright, so sal lost.
We brought you to kangas indoor play center,
Where you're gonna have to go up to parents
And apologize for "accidentally cursing"
In front of their children.
No, I can't. I can't. I can't curse in front of kids.
You're not saying anything to kids.
You're going to tell the parents
In explicit detail what you said.
[bleep] piss [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]
Q: That clipboard, sal, contains
Everything that you must tell parents
That you said in front of their kids.
This is. This is brutal, bro. This is --
Your punishment ends when you finish reading
Everything on that clipboard.
Ah [bleep] me.
There's some hard stuff to say in there.
Uh-huh.
This ball pit is probably infested with germs.
1,000%.
There's e. Coli in there,
Hepatitis, everything. You got to be careful.
Got to be careful, 'cause there's all sorts
Of, uh, germs in there. You know what I'm saying?
No. Do not create another you.
Leave that little girl alone.
Host of germs here. E. Coli.
The e. Coli. Watch out for the e. Coli.
Alright, buddy, let's get this started.
This one's bad.
Go up to that woman there.
Hi.
I was over there. I was speaking to my coworker,
And we were talking about my pet, and I got --
My dog. I just got my dog neutered.
Okay. And the way I was explaining it
To him was a little graphic.
Q: [ laughs ] here we go.
I was telling him that I got my dog fixed, and then he said,
"what does fixed mean?" and I said, well...
[ both laugh ]
Murr: "your kid's been saying it."
And then I thought I --
I heard at least one or two of them say [bleep] berries
And then other one's like [bleep] tank, [bleep] tank.
So I just don't --
[ both laugh ]
I just wanted to let you know.
Okay.
Oh, he says the word stupid? It's close, so, yeah.
[ both laugh ]
Oh, okay. Murr: Uh-oh.
Q: Uh-oh. Yeah, I --
Repeat it, buddy.
[bleep] berries left in the [bleep] tank.
Don't say it again. Okay.
[ both laugh ] q: Wow.
I've never heard those things.
Alright, sal, there's a parent right there.
Go talk to them.
Hi. So, I was by the crane machine earlier.
Yeah? "I turned and twisted my nuts."
And I had turned, and I, uh -- I twisted one of my nu--
[ laughter ]
I-I was by the machine before, and I turned.
And I-I twisted my nuts, and I hurt myself.
[ both laugh ]
I just cursed, and I don't know if the child heard me.
So my nuts were fine. Q: "back to my nuts."
And then -- back --
[ laughter ]
I got hurt, and then I went "ow" and I went [bleep]
[ laughter ]
I just cursed, and I don't know if the child heard me.
I got hurt, and then I went "ow" and I went...
Q: [ laughing ] ohh.
All I'm saying is if you hear her say...
Any of those things, I had said that.
It happened after the nut twist that I mentioned earlier.
Go "ow" when you turn away.
I understand. Thank you. Thank you.
Ohh!
[bleep]
"I twisted my nuts."
What position with a hip that would happen?
Sal, your only injury from now on is --
Is twisting your nuts.
It's -- it's not good, man.
[ laughs ] I'm talking about my nuts.
Alright, buddy, move on to the next one on our list.
Excuse me.
I was standing over there earlier,
And I had turned.
Okay. And, uh, I --
I had turned and twisted one of my nuts.
Uh-huh.
I had a nut make a "k" turn,
And I said, "aah..."
And, like, I don't know if --
Santa's frozen [bleep] sack.
And I -- and then I heard a kid say...
Santa's frozen [bleep] sack,
So I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Okay. "if you want me to explain
To the children what santa's frozen [bleep] sack is,
I'm happy to do it."
If you need me to explain to the children
What that is so they don't say it out of context --
Okay. Thank you very much.
Also, a little while after that --
He's trying to get through the whole list with one woman.
I was standing over there,
And I was talking to my coworker.
Now, my nut was fine again, but I was, uh --
I'm dating somebody new.
And he said to me, "oh, how far have you gotten so far?"
You know, like coworkers talking.
And they said -- hi! -- And they said --
Murr: Oh, you got kid-blocked.
Yeah, so they asked me --
He was asking me about my relationship.
Look at that over there.
I told him we were just doing titty [bleep]
[ both laugh ]
She might have overheard me say...Titty [bleep]
Thank you so much.
[ murr and q laughing ]
She does not want to be dealing with sal whatsoever.
So there's one more left, guys.
Alright. There's the one left
That should not be said.
We know you've been avoiding this one the entire time.
We saved the best for last, buddy.
If you can say that last line,
One way or another, you're done.
[ exhales deeply ] here we go.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Just a few moments ago,
I was in the corner over there by the machines, and, um,
I had turned and twisted my nuts, and I got hurt.
[ murr and q laughing ]
And so I said out loud, because I was hurt,
I said, "aah," um...
And the child was nearby.
I think I heard her repeat it.
Murr: Oh! [ q groans ]
Oh, but those are not my kids. Oh.
Um, I have two -- two sons, two boys.
Oh, then [bleep] it.
[ both laughing ]
You know what, buddy? Punishment's over,
As soon as you let all the parents know
The place is [bleep] closing in a half hour.
Excuse me, miss, just so you know,
We're closing in about 20 [bleep] minutes.
Woman: Oh, okay.
Just so you know, we close in about 20 [bleep] minutes.
Yes, yes. Okay. Thank you so much.
Hey, guys, just so you know,
We close in about 20 [bleep] minutes.
Murr: Alright, that's it, buddy. Q: Alright, bud. Yeah.
That's it. Good job, you [bleep] head.
Free cotton candy between 5:00 and 5:30.
Twisted one of my nuts.