[ laughter ]
Aah!
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good guy?!
[ laughter ]
[ cymbals crash ]
[ laughter ]
Narrator: With special guest harvey guillén.
You paid your goddamn dues.
[ laughter ]
Today, we're gonna be posing as lawyers,
And we're gonna be with our actual lawyer
And friend, danny passman.
And we're gonna be going over contracts for focus groups.
But check the fine print,
Because each contract is full of weird terms and conditions
That have been written by the other guys.
The goal is to get the participant
To sign off on each ridiculous clause.
Whoever gets the fewest clauses approved loses.
Love seeing danny passman on my television set.
I love hearing your voice in my ears.
Q: So danny is here to give us credibility
And for for moral support,
But it's all up to us to sell this contract.
This is so exciting.
Devin james. Nice to meet you.
Danny. Q: Alright, here we go.
Pleasure to meet you. Have a seat.
We have to take you through, if you don't mind, the contract.
A couple key points,
And you just have to initial next to them.
Okay. Just read number 11, murr.
"participant will not, under any circumstances,
Dial 911 for emergency assistance."
Okay. [ laughter ]
You just write your name in there, if you don't mind.
-Wow, man. -Okay.
"I acknowledge that gerard butler will be appearing
As a participant in today's focus group,
And at mr. Butler's request,
I will not look at, touch, smell, or speak to mr. Butler
And that mr. Butler reserves the right
To look at, touch, smell, or speak to me."
[ laughter ]
You know gerard butler, the movie "300"?
Now he does focus groups. [ laughter ]
Yeah, yeah.
In between his blockbuster hits,
He does a lot of focus groups. [ laughter ]
So I cannot look at, speak to, smell,
Or touch mr. Gerard butler?
[ laughter ]
But what is he allowed to do to you?
Look at, touch, smell, or speak to me.
Are you sure you're okay to sign that?
Yeah.
Okay. [ laughter ]
"in the event of accidental death,
Premium focus groups inc. Llc is under no legal obligation
To contact participants' next of kin."
[ eerie music plays ] [ laughter ]
Let's say it's an accidental death
In the focus group of some kind.
It would be up to your family to find you and claim you.
[ laughter ]
Okay. So if you're fine with that one, then just sign there.
Okay, great. You signed there. Excellent.
[ laughter ]
Okay. Let's jump to 26.
So "the participant acknowledges that they may be required
To physically defend themselves
Against 10 to 15 ill-tempered and agitated preadolescents
During the taste-testing portion of this study."
[ laughter ]
These are not adolescents.
They're preadolescents -- the p.A.'s, okay?
[ laughter ]
You're a fairly strong guy.
You could face off against a preadolescent with no problem.
Yeah. [ laughter ]
This guy's signing everything.
Sal: Wow. Very, very good score. Oh.
Danny passman wears that suit like he's doing it a favor.
[ laughter ]
He looks so good. I agree.
Sal, you wear that suit like it owes you money.
[ laughter ]
You're like, "dog bit you? Bite back.
Call sal vulcano."
[ laughter ]
Hello, sir. How are you today?
How are you doing? Excellent.
Alright. You guys ready?
We take you through a little bit of the legalese,
Just to sign off on before you go into the focus group.
I understand.
Okay there. "participant acknowledges that a hawk --"
I'm sorry. That's crossed out.
[ laughter ]
"participant acknowledges that a bird may enter the room
At premium focus groups inc.
And it is not liable for the hawk --"
Crossed out "-- bird's actions." [ laughter ]
So that's just saying a bird may enter
And we don't control the bird, the bird does.
Oh, it's a real bird? Yeah.
[ laughter ]
Remember what happened with the hawk?
[ laughter ]
Because we had a hawk in the past,
And it was something we don't want to revisit.
[ laughter ]
You got to roll the dice on the bird.
Alright.
[ laughter ]
Murr: He's signing it!
[ laughter ]
"pfg may use your name and likeness,
In perpetuity," of course,
"throughout the known universe,
Including the nine realms of midgard, vanaheim,
Jotunheim, niflheim,
Muspelheim, alfheim,
Svartálfaheim, helheim, and corey haim."
[ laughter ]
Look at that look on his face.
So, in perpetuity -- like, yeah.
In perpetuity? Well, I mean...
Never will you have a problem with corey haim, right?
[ laughter ]
Fine with it. No problem, no problem.
Alan, we got a couple more here.
"in the event of a birthday of an employee
Of premium focus group,
The participant should provide one vanilla sheet cake
With no less than two layers."
Two layers? Yeah, yeah.
[ laughter ]
Today's doreen's birthday,
So if you do go in there
And we do acknowledge doreen's birthday,
We're gonna need you to go on over to tj's
And pick up one vanilla sheet cake.
And it's got to have the two layers, now.
That's what we're signing off on.
We'll straight sue you on the one layer.
Why not? [ laughter ]
Yeah.
I think this next one
Is gonna be where you lose alan, boys.
[ laughing ]
This one might be an issue, you signing it.
[ laughter ]
Q: I think this next one
Is gonna be where you lose alan, boys.
[ laughing ]
This one might be an issue, you signing it.
[ laughter ]
"I understand that part of my payment..."
[ laughter ]
"...May be used to fund a paramilitary unit
Serving the interests
Of premium focus groups in nicaragua."
[ laughter ]
You know about nicaragua?
There's all sorts of stuff going on over there,
Paramilitary and otherwise. Right.
Right there.
[ laughter ]
Murr: A perfect score!
A perfect -- a perfect score.
Alan, you are a straight shooter.
[ laughter ] oh, my god.
Okay. Happy day, q.
So, recently, my cat, benjamin cat, passed away,
And I had his dna preserved for possible cloning.
Sal: Danny's face.
Legally, they can't make knock-off versions
Of benjamin cat,
And then, like, people are just paying for it.
Hello. Hi. Hi.
Here we go. And we're in.
We're just having a little conversation.
I recently decided to clone a beloved pet cat.
So we found some language in the contract
Where they can make many clones of this cat if they want to,
And I didn't want that.
So that's what's going on.
This is a good way to seem legitimate. [ chuckles ]
Anyway, you know, I know they want you in there,
So why don't we just get you in there?
You're doing focus group today.
-Okay. -Q, do number 4.
So, "I do solemnly swear
I have no vengeance or vendettas to settle here today."
You can swear that?
No vendettas?
Okay, great. Then right there, please. Yep.
[ laughter ] alright, great.
You know what? That is something she can agree to.
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.
We wanted it to be suspicious, but...
And then, "the beneficiary --"
That is the focus groups "-- has full allowance
To blur, distort, or fun-house my appearance."
So... [ laughter ]
Just because if they want to use any of it,
But they don't want to, you know, say who you are,
Stuff like that.
So you're okay with being fun-housed if necessary?
[ laughter ] mm-hmm.
Right there.
Very good.
So far, they're getting initials.
Okay. "I acknowledge
That when I consented to this focus-group study,
I also consented to receive an experimental substance
Through dermal absorption
Upon shaking hands earlier today with pfg employee cole webber."
That was the handsome guy that you already met out there.
[ laughter ]
"oh, you did." oh, you did.
[ laughter ]
Just right there.
Oh, he's more distributing something than taking it.
[ laughter ]
Just right there. And then...
She signed that one.
What does it serve her to agree to that?
Okay, great. And then, uh...
Good luck. [ groans ]
[ laughing ]
What you got, q?
Blood transfusion okay?
[ laughter ] so no blood.
So if there's a situation
Where a blood transfusion could save you,
You don't want us to initiate that?
[ laughter ]
Hardball on the blood transfuzh. Wow!
Okay. So just to be clear on this one,
And then we'll let you go in there
And taste a potato chip or two, uh...
[ laughter ]
...Blood transfusion not okay?
Yeah. No. Okay.
Alright, well, I think that's it.
I think that's all we need for today.
Is that cole?
Cole, immediately shake her hand.
Yeah.
Well, you did sign.
All: Oh!
So you want to cross that out?
I can't stop you from crossing it out.
[ laughter ] [ buzzer ]
Wow. She went back in and took one away. Yep.
Thank you so much, and nice meeting you.
Have fun in there.
Yes. Thank you so much. [ laughter ]
[ buzzer ]
Narrator: After reading the fine print,
It looks like q is first up on the loserboard.
Today we're walking up to people
And saying, "no disrespect, but..."
Followed by the no-doubt disrespectful thing
That the other guys tell you to say.
After you say what you told,
You have to ask the person, "so, we good?
Are we good, dawg?"
Whoever gets the least amount of "we goods" loses.
And just to mix this up, we're gonna be shooting this bit
In a bunch of different places.
Q: Murr. We're back.
Back in lot-less, playing a classic game of no disrespect.
Anytime anybody's ever said to me "no disrespect, but...",
I know that I'm about to get disrespected. Yes.
Alright. Here we go.
Are these on sale, guys?
Do you know?
They're just 10 bucks. 10 bucks?
You got this one? Alright. Yeah, I got this. I got a good one.
10 bucks. You can't go wrong with that.
Yeah. It's really nice.
Yeah. No -- no disrespect.
No disrespect.
But you got a mouth.
But... [ laughter ]
I want to hear this. You want to hear it?
Let me hear this. [ laughter ]
No disrespect... Of course.
...But you...
Got a mouth on you, right?
Like, no disrespect. [ laughter ]
Q: We good, we good? What are you saying?!
We're good, right? We good? ...So respectful?
We're good. Alright, we're good. Phew!
[ laughter ]
Go to her friend.
Honestly, no disrespect whatsoever.
You smell like a strip club.
[ laughter ]
I got a purse!
[ laughter ]
No way.
Is this your daughter?
Woman: Yeah. Oh, wow. Nice to meet you guys.
Yeah, no disrespect. No disrespect.
Q: You have enough kids. [ laughter ]
No disrespect, but...
Do you like this bag?
[ laughter ]
Sal: How many times is he gonna refuse?
Murr: This is lsc,
Library science center after dark.
Adults only.
Sal: A lot of people out there, q.
A lot of people out there to "no disrespect."
Oof.
Q, strike up a conversation with the folks online.
Ma'am, this is busier than I thought it would be.
Isn't this crazy? Yeah. I to got love it.
Yeah, I know, right? I love the animals.
Sal: No disrespect...
Well, listen. Hey, no disrespect...
But your crevices alarm me.
[ laughing ]
But your crevice is alarming.
What do you mean?
You said it!
Sal said to say it, and it just came out.
We good?
We're good? Yeah.
I'm gonna get the [bleep] out of here.
[ laughter ]
Murr: Q, these women to your left.
I've never seen a snake move before in a zoo.
Murr: No disrespect...
Oh, man. Hey, no disrespect.
...But you're the one that farted, right?
But -- [ laughing ]
[ laughter ]
[ electricity crackles ]
Murr: No disrespect...
Oh, man. Hey, no disrespect.
...But you're the one that farted, right?
But -- [ laughing ]
Oh... [ laughter ]
Sal: So you said the words "no disrespect," then just laughed?
Oh, no way, dudes.
No way.
Murr: Sorry, buddy.
Alright, sal's turn to play no disrespect.
And we're here at the food court in the mall.
Right. I'm gonna go for this guy here in the yellow shirt.
Which guy? Yosemite sam.
Here we go.
You got a first one? I got one.
Excuse me, sir.
No disrespect.
There's corn...
But there's corn... ...And then there's creamed corn.
...And there's creamed corn. You're neither.
[ laughter ]
We're good?
Alright. Thank you. [ laughter ]
Appreciate it. Enjoy your meal.
So what is he, then? [ laughs ]
Is there free wi-fi?
I guess so, by the looks of it.
Oh, yeah? Do you mind if I just grab that?
Yeah, go ahead. Q: No disrespect.
You could use one up on the top and two on the side.
[ laughs ] what?
No disrespect, but you could use one on the top
And two on the side.
[ laughter ]
One on the top, two on the side --
You could use it.
No disrespect. Yeah.
Murr: And three down below. [ laughter ]
Maybe even -- maybe even three down below.
Okay. Yeah.
We're good, though, right? You're good.
Alright. Right on, bro. Appreciate you.
Q: He got him. Murr: He was baffled.
Excuse me, ma'am. No disrespect.
Murr: But disrespectfully... But disrespectfully...
...You need to stop.
I would agree. I would agree.
We're good? Yes, we're good. Thank you.
[ laughter ]
Murr: You were distinctly not good with her.
[ laughter ]
Narrator: Murr and q got no respect, making q tonight's big loser.
Okay, so, q lost.
And tonight, our guest is actor harvey guillén,
Who is on his way.
Now, the reason he is not here just yet
Is because you need to get into full prosthetics.
And unfortunately for you, that takes several hours.
And we're not hanging around for that, buddy,
So you get to work. No.
We're gonna get a bite.
We'll catch you later and fill you in.
Absolutely. What am I gonna look like?
Okay. [ laughs ]
Alright. What are we doing first, bud?
Q: Oh, boy.
♪♪
Ugh. This already sucks.
We're here in q's makeup trailer
For his punishment.
And we have our friend, funnyman
And actor extraordinaire harvey guillén here.
Thanks so much for having me, you guys.
I cannot wait to see my protégé.
Neither can we.
We haven't seen q in four hours
Because he's been going through the painstaking process
Of changing his appearance with prosthetics.
I can't wait to see this. Come on out, q!
♪♪
Oh! Oh, my god!
Oh, my -- oh, my god.
God.
Wow! It doesn't even look like you.
You look different than the last time I saw you.
You guys look disgusted.
No. It's not disgusted. And I'm kind of ashamed.
I mean, I'm an actor, so I can pretend.
Yeah. And I can't pretend.
[ laughter ]
Alright. Q, now that you look the part,
Harvey's gonna take you out to the bar
And teach you how to act the part.
That's right, and I'm gonna guide you through the process
Of what it takes to really create a character.
You're gonna teach me how to create a character?
Yeah. That's right.
You're enjoying this a little too much already.
I don't think so. This is my life.
[ laughter ]
Sal: [ laughing ] here he is. Oh!
Is that you, q?
People are looking at me
Like I am a disgusting creature out of place.
Alright, here comes q's first lesson.
Okay, I got one for you, okay?
You're gonna play a character
Who's paid their goddamn dues, alright?
You don't wait for nothing for no one.
Okay. So you go to the bar,
And you just get in front of anyone who's waiting in line.
And you order your drink. Because why?
I paid my dues.
You paid your goddamn dues.
[ laughing ] that's right.
I paid my dues. You paid your dues.
I'm not waiting on line. You're not waiting in line.
So, q, go up to the bar and cut people in line.
♪♪
Yeah, push them, push them.
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Sal: Q, go, go, go, go, go!
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
I paid my dues.
Oh, my god.
Can I get an --
[ laughter ]
Can I get an ipa?
Oh, my god. This guy's amazing. Thank you.
[ laughing ]
I don't want to be around anymore.
[ laughter ]
Harvey, why don't you give him the next character, buddy?
When I'm looking at you, what I see
That you could play easily -- like, typecast --
A judgmental, catholic father
Who's worried about his daughter's promiscuity.
Okay, okay.
Ohh!
Right? So I'm just gonna be at a bar,
Complaining to strangers about my promiscuous daughter. Yeah, yeah.
Murr: Not quite.
Tell her she's not gonna meet a nice boy dressed like that.
Yeah. I mean, you're dressed like the part.
[ laughter ]
Excuse me. Can I see that menu one sec?
Do you mind?
Oh, boy. You're angry, buddy.
Woman: [ speaks indistinctly ]
Thank you so much. [bleep]
What a day, what a day. I need a little beer.
Well, you're not gonna meet a nice boy dressed like that.
[ laughter ]
Well, you're not gonna meet a nice boy dressed like that.
[ laughter ]
Eh, my daughter -- she's out every night dressed...
Murr: Like you. Like -- like you.
Like you, you know? Out like...
She's a good girl.
How old is she?
Eh, like a puttan.
Puttan.
It's italian for, um...
Whore. A whore.
How do you say "whore" in german?
Oh!
[ laughter ]
That's how my daughter dresses.
I didn't call you a whore. I'm sorry.
I never meant to call anybody a whore.
Well, it's like I went to go see a play,
And there was an actor dressed like a horse.
I don't think they're a horse.
[ laughter ]
This is -- q, try to backtrack.
That's why I said puttan.
[ laughter ]
Alright. Thank you. You're welcome.
Sal: Q, I think it's time to go back to harvey
And get the next lesson. [ laughs ]
Oh, my god. Hi. You were committed.
And you -- you do this kind of stuff?
This is what you do to get ready for a part?
No, absolutely not.
[ laughter ]
No, this is not how actors prepare.
Okay, so your next character, I think here's one for you.
Your oldest and best friend -- he slept with your wife.
Mm!
My god.
So you're gonna go up to a middle-aged man,
Kiss him on the forehead, and say, "I know what you did."
[ laughing ] oh!
Sal: Oh, man.
Here I go, kissing a guy's head.
This guy's gonna kill me.
[ laughing ] yeah.
♪♪
[ laughter ]
I know what you did.
You slept with my wife.
Why would you do it?
She was hot. [ laughs ]
[ laughter ]
Enjoy my wife.
[ laughter ]
He found the nicest guy in the bar.
You lucked out, you son of a gun.
And you know what that is? "yes, and..."
But why didn't those girls "yes, and" when I told them --
No. They're supposed to not "yes, and" you.
That's for sure. Yeah.
That's -- they hate you.
[ laughter ]
So, harvey, what do you got?
What's q's next character?
For the next role, this is a tough one.
I want you to go to a young lady,
Take her drink... [ laughs ]
And say you're embarrassing yourself
Because you're a recovering alcoholic.
[ laughing ]
Okay?
Alright. You do that.
Murr: Alright, harvey, let's go. Your actor's going in.
Here. Have some water.
Oh! You're embarrassing yourself.
Don't go down this road.
Sal: Ooh!
You drink the beer,
You're gonna be embarrassing yourself further.
All I'm saying is you don't want to further embarrass yourself.
Yeah.
Ohh! Oh, yes, yes!
Oh! Wow, q, wow.
Harvey: [ laughing ]
What are we doing? [ laughing ]
We flew harvey out. What are you laughing at?
[ laughter ]
You're progressing, right? You're doing really well.
So for the next challenge -- this is a big one.
We live in a new age, right? Yeah.
And you have to be able to play different characters. Okay.
So we're gonna have you go up to somebody,
And you're gonna say,
"these gays -- they're trying to murder me."
[ laughter ]
Oh, no.
Sal: Oh, my god!
Okay?
I'm begging you -- no.
I'm begging you not to make me do this. You're gonna say -- yes.
You're gonna do it. This is getting really hard, bro.
Yeah. That's acting. It's hard.
Q, go over to those two guys at the bar, okay?
♪♪
Can I get a shot?
You got it, brother.
♪♪
Is that cauliflower? I'm sorry.
Is that cauliflower?
Never had it before. I'll tell you what.
♪♪
These gays -- they're trying to kill me.
Sal: [ laughing ] oh, my god. Oh!
♪♪
[ laughter ]
These gays...
[ laughter ]
They're trying to kill me.
Back in my day, we had wings.
He's blaming the cauliflower up on the gays.
And then now I have cauliflower.
[ laughs ]
"are you guys the gays?"
Are you guys the gays?
You are?
The wings turn you gay? I eat a lot of wings in my life.
I never ate a gay.
[ laughs ]
[ laughter ]
Oh, q, "here's what I'm getting at.
I think I'm gay."
[ laughter ]
Yeah. Yes. [ laughs ]
Here's what I'm getting at. I think I'm gay.
[ laughter ]
Seamus o'gunk, new gay.
[ laughter ]
Two shots of whiskey -- your gayest whiskey.
And one for har-- come over here, my friend.
[ laughter ]
Hey. Alright.
To new gays. To new gays.
To new gays! To new gays!
[ laughter ]
Seamus o'gunk. Here we go, baby.
[ laughter ]
I'll be gentle.
[ laughter ]