[ laughter ]
[ screams ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good guy?
[ cymbals crash ]
Narrator: With special guest paul scheer.
It's very hairy.
[ laughter ]
Today we're at west orange tennis club
Giving pickleball lessons to seniors.
While out on the court, we're gonna have to do
And say whatever the other guys tell us to.
And if you refuse, you lose.
Aaahh!
♪♪
When you were standing back here with me earlier,
Those shorts were not that high.
Yeah, they were. No, they were not.
Hi.
Hello. I'm barbara.
Let's get to know each other a little bit.
"here's the deal. I used to coach kids.
I'd get attached, they'd leave for college."
I used to -- I used to teach pickleball to kids all the time.
But I'd get too attached to the kids. Okay.
They'd leave for college. They'd grow up.
"but I foresee no problems working with seniors."
Yeah, but [laughs]
But, you know, for me, like,
I foresee no problems with seniors.
Oh.
[ laughter ]
Me and you can play pickleball forever.
"we could totally be pickle pals."
We could be pickle pals. Okay.
Sounds good.
[ laughter ]
You want to serve to me?
Barbara: I'll serve.
Unh!
[ laughter ]
Q, every ball, hit back off the building.
Unh!
[ ball thuds ]
You hear that ding?
[ laughter ]
You're better than that, barb.
We're looking for a volley here.
[ laughter ]
Aaah!
Barb, why aren't you going for them?
Murr: She's over it. She's over it.
Aaaahhh!
[ ball thuds, laughter ]
Get it, barb.
[ laughter ]
"barbara, full disclosure."
Barbara, full disclosure.
"I tend to get into intimate relationship with my students."
I don't know if you feel the electricity.
Murr: Wait, q, don't do it!
Oh, no. Oh, my god. No, don't you dare do it.
Okay. They called it. They called it. Not me.
It's still a winner. Still a thumbs-up.
I chickened out on my own idea.
Aaahh!
[ ding! ]
That's a win.
You look like you're walking out into a prison yard.
So here's the thing.
Pickleball has a very specific set of rules.
I did not absorb any of it.
And so I'm gonna be calling this european pickleball,
And I'm gonna tell them to throw everything they know
About pickleball away
So I could work within my own parameters.
And I'm just letting you know that right now.
I'm taking it upon myself.
What do you think this show has become --
You tell yourself what to do and say, and you do it?
Just let me have this, all right?
Murr: Here you go, buddy.
Hello. How are you?
Oh, what is your name?
Toby. Toby.
I am, yeah. Oh.
I'm newer. I'm coming from overseas.
I was in the military.
Sal, you're a drill sergeant.
Okay, so throw everything you know
About pickleball out the window.
Okay. I'm gonna teach you european pickleball.
I'm gonna teach you psychological pickleball.
Okay. "tell me. I do have to ask."
I do have to ask you. "you're not blind, right?"
[ laughter ]
Just the blue blockers, you know?
You have all your vision? Yes?
Yeah. Right now, you see me?
Yes.
[ laughter ]
Cole, fall in line.
We'll also be playing my partner, cole, here today.
"now, toby, I want you to smack-talk cole."
But as soon as you serve to him right now, just throw --
Just throw a little something -- you know,
"this is coming right at you [bleep]"
"take this, you piece of shit,"
Or, "try to return this, you [bleep]"
Just shout out something, like, to that nature.
Q: Look at cole. He's ready.
Cole's never been more ready.
Just...
Yeah, you can say it out loud or in your head. Yeah.
Cole, just be like, "we playing today?"
We playing today? Or what's going on?
Hold up, hold up. Hold up, hold up. Hold up.
So you could say, "look out, you [bleep]
You dirty dirtbag. You son of a bitch." [bleep] that's not me.
Surprise serve it to her now. "suck it!"
Get ready -- suck it!
[ laughter ]
You scared?
Murr: I can't believe he said it!
Too hard?
No, the words. The yelling.
"I didn't know you would say it, cole."
You got to get him back.
I'm like...
[ laughter ]
Q: Look at sal covering his face.
You have a...
You're a massage therapist,
So you have -- actually, you have a gentle touch.
Just say "good luck." "good luck with this."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good luck with this.
Go "massage this, bitch!"
Massage this, bitch!
[ laughter ]
He has no right calling you that.
That's how you taught me to play.
No, I know, but he's trying to get into your head.
All right, toby.
"return this, you blind blonde [bleep]"
Give him hell.
Blind blond [bleep]
[ laughter ]
I can't play like that.
You're not playing me right now.
"sorry, lieutenant." sorry, lieutenant.
Please fall in line, sir. Sorry.
[ laughter ]
Okay.
Go over-the-top wrong.
God doesn't love you, you [bleep] bag.
You fat, stupid [bleep]
You losing piece of [bleep]
Cole, call him a stinky nutsack.
Stinky nutsack.
Oh, my god.
[ laughter ]
[ ding! ] murr: He did it.
Q: There you go.
Hi. What's your name? Lisa.
Hi, lisa. Pleasure to meet you. Nice to meet you.
I'm gonna hit a couple opposite you, okay? One second.
"the safe word for today is 'mommy.'"
Oh, and, lisa, remember --
The safe word for today is "mommy."
Okay.
[ laughter ]
Murr, you are not gonna believe
How similar you guys are.
Start asking her questions.
You married?
I am. Sal: "ah, me too."
Me too. How many years?
About seven. "me too."
Me too.
You're slowly assuming her identity.
You're becoming her.
With every volley, you become 5% more lisa.
What -- what do you do for a living, lisa?
I'm actually in between jobs.
I'm actually moving. Me too.
Oh, where are you moving to?
Oh, no, no. I'm in between...
Oh, you're in between jobs. Yeah. Yeah.
Where are you moving to? We're moving to naples.
Oh, my god. That's where I would move, too.
[ laughter ]
You have kids?
I do. I have two teenagers.
Me too.
Sal: "natural or c-section?"
We-- [ laughs ]
[ laughter ]
That's okay. It was meant for you not to say it.
[ laughter ]
Q: He can't get it out. Look at him.
Here we go.
Murr, we'll let you keep going. Turn's not over yet!
Cole, just walk over and say, "james, I'm so sorry,
But your wife has been in a car accident."
James, I'm so sorry. Your wife has been in a car accident.
Oh, no. Sal: Murr, you do not care.
Pickleball is all that matters.
But she knows I'm in a pickleball lesson. Right?
I don't know.
Go.
Cole, just find somebody else.
It's probably a fender bender. She's fine.
I'm in the middle of a lesson.
Okay, lisa. Here we go. Chop-chop.
[ laughter ]
They're admitting her to the hospital.
"did you tell her I was in the middle of a lesson?"
Did you tell her about the lesson I'm in, though?
Yeah, but she's going to the hospital.
No, lisa. Come on. No, I can't do that.
No, it's okay. No, no, no, no, no!
Murr, you're gonna lose if she leaves.
Lisa, come back. We're in the middle...
Lisa, it's a good game we got on.
James, I'm so sorry. Lisa, come back. We're in the middle...
Your wife has been in a car accident.
No, lisa. Come on. No, I can't do that.
No, it's okay. No, no, no, no, no!
Q: Murr, you're gonna lose if she leaves.
Lisa, come back. We're in the middle...
My wife's gonna be fine, lisa!
[ laughter ]
She's a bad driver. It's on her.
Murr, you done messed up. Hit the music!
[ horn honking ] oh [bleep] come on!
-Move it. -Oh, it's murray's stepdad.
Sal: Back from last season!
My wife's in the hospital. I got to go, stepdad.
[ laughter ] come on, bring it in.
Good. How are you doing?
Yeah! [ laughs ]
Aah! Aah!
[ laughing ] yeah.
You here playing pickleball?
Let me see. Let me see what you got.
A couple of swings, all right?
[ laughter ]
30 miles per hour. All right, come on.
All right, the ball's coming at you. All right? Come on!
You got to know how to swing. It's a 45 angle.
Hey! Why is this my life?
Whoo! Pickleball!
[ laughter ]
I'll see you. Stay out of trouble.
[bleep] my ass hurts.
[ buzzer ]
-Dunh-dunh! -Yes.
Narrator: Murr got himself into a pickle,
Making him first up on the loser board.
Today we're at nook coffee, and, dang it,
We just missed out on winning a gift card
For being the 100th customer. Aw!
So now we're gonna have to guilt the customer
Into giving us the gift card they just won
Without directly asking for it.
Aw! The catch is, the reason
For the guilt trip will be
Given to us by the other guys.
And if you can't get that gift card back, you lose.
Aw! -Aw!
Sal: Oh, yeah. And we're in.
Q: Oh, my god. Look at this.
What is happening? What is this outfit?
What? What is this outfit?
We're in brooklyn.
Oh, my god, dude. Oh.
This season, I'm trying out every look possible
Until I find my signature look.
You can check one look off your list
Because this ain't it for you.
All right, all right. Here we go.
Do you know what you want? I don't know what I want yet.
You can go -- you can go ahead. Go ahead.
As fate would have it, this guy is about to win a gift card.
Oh, wow. Congrats. You're the 100th customer.
Wait. So you just won a $20 gift card.
[ laughter ]
Q: Did you see that?
Murr, don't say anything. Just stare at him.
You got a $20 gift card?
[ laughter ]
You were the 100th to order,
But not the... 100th in line,
'cause do you remember, like, a minute or two ago?
[ laughter ]
Do you remember, like -- do you remember that?
Like, do you remember that, like...
Do you remember that, like, that we had...
Remember, like, how we had...
Remember how we, like...
-♪ ba-ba-bum, ba-ba-bum -look at the guy's face.
Do you remember? Do you remember, like,
I didn't know what I wanted, but then I switched...
You remember that? Like, I switched.
Yeah. Remember that?
Mm-hmm. Yes. You remember that?
Do you want me to get you something?
No, you know what it is?
"on this exact day"...
On this exact day...
"...Five years ago..." ...Five years ago...
"...I was a second late..."
...I was a second late...
"...In saying goodbye to my nana."
...In saying goodbye to my nana.
Oh [bleep]
[ laughter ]
And today I'm a second late on getting that gift card.
Yeah.
[ laughter ]
Yellow was her favorite color.
I do like that shirt.
You like the shirt? Yeah.
Today's the five-year anniversary of nana's death.
"my ill nana."
My ill [laughs]
My ill nana died.
Died five years ago. And so you think that me giving you this
Would fix that? Murr, misunderstand.
Think he just told you he's gonna give it to you.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
That's so nice. Thank you. 'cause...
Yeah, you think that would help?
Thank you so much. Yes. That's so kind of you.
Okay. Yeah. Thank you so much.
-He did it! -Oh, my god!
My ill nana is happy in heaven right now.
[ ding!, laughter ]
Oh, it all looks so good.
Murr: Here we go. Q.
You know what you want, sir?
Oh, I'm sorry. You can go ahead. No, no, no.
I'm taking forever to decide.
All right, cole. Go big.
Whoa!
You're the 100th customer.
Hey, I like that.
You just won a $20 gift card.
Appreciate that, bro.
Murr: Ok, q, try to get him to give you the card.
[ laughs ]
What was that I just heard?
He's the 100th customer.
Ohh.
"it's a bad day for me," q.
Today, of all days, that happened to me.
"I just found out that my ex-wife's new husband
Is taye diggs."
[ laughter ]
[ laughing ] you know...
I just found out today that my ex-wife is marrying
Taye diggs. What?
Taye diggs.
But here I am, just a loser on all fronts.
You know, I found my first gray hair today.
You know what that's like.
Your whole face and head is gray.
I just found it today, so...
Oh, that's very nice of you to offer me that half measure,
But you're gonna be sipping that coffee
While my wife is sipping taye diggs.
[ laughter ] ooh!
[ sobs ]
-Ooh. -"gimme. Gimme it. Gimme it."
Just gimme it. Taye diggs.
If only one thing would go right for me today.
If only one thing.
"I woke up with a cockroach in my mouth."
I woke up with a cockroach in my mouth this morning, and --
What's this?!
Yeah! He gave it to me.
Ah!
There's still good people here in new york.
[ ding! ] murr: He gave him the card.
Okay. Here we go, sal.
Actually, I'm still deciding. You can go ahead.
All right.
Q: Uh-oh, cole. Good news.
That's 100th customer of the day.
Oh. You're the 100th customer of the day.
You just won a $20 gift card.
Oh, my god. Oh, no. He's the 100th customer.
Oh, I thought you were talking to...
To me because I was...
Sorry.
Oh.
"I mean, I thought it was for me because today's my birthday."
Today's my birthday.
[ q laughs ]
I mean, plead your case.
Do something. You're gonna lose him.
I thought I was having birthday luck.
[ q laughs ]
"sir, could I hold it for a second?"
Q: "sir?"
"oh, sir." sir?
Would it be cool if I held it for a second
And took a picture with it so I could text my friends
And tell them I won on my birthday?
Just, please...
Stop talking.
[ q laughs ]
About the gift card, stop talking,
Or just in general?
Q: This is the toughest nut to crack I've ever seen.
Murr: You're done.
D. You're done. Q: This is the toughest nut to crack I've ever seen.
Oh, you're talking about the gift card or no?
[ laughter ]
Okay. No, I didn't. Did you order? Did you order?
I was gonna order. That was my question.
And then that gift card was given out.
You probably don't know what I was talking about.
I was about to order.
And then when -- I was waiting, and then he got lucky.
He went, and they gave away a gift card...
Got it. Okay. Okay. ...For the 100th customer.
So I missed it.
Okay. Yeah.
[ laughter ]
Q: Hey, cole, guess what.
This customer is winning a gift card, too.
Oh, wow! 102nd customer.
You got a $20 gift card, as well. Oh, come on, dude.
-Oh, really? -Sal, if you can get a gift card
From either one of them, buddy, I'll give it to you.
It's my birthday, so...
He's gone. That's one down.
She's your last hope.
[ laughter ]
That's a thumbs-down.
What the [bleep]
[ buzzer, laughter ]
Narrator: Sal couldn't get a coffee break.
So he and murr are tonight's big losers.
Okay, so murr and sal have no idea what's going on.
But I brought in my actor friend paul scheer
To host a game show that I created.
It's like the craziest japanese game show you ever saw.
I've been thinking about this one forever.
I cannot wait for you to see it. Let's go.
All right, guys, you got to keep your voices down, okay?
You guys lost. And for your punishment,
All you have to do... I don't like this at all.
...Is just walk through those curtains.
That's it? That's the intro?
Go start your punishment.
You go first. [ laughs ] you go first.
Is something gonna hit me?
Nothing's gonna hit you.
You got it.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
All right. So the guys just walked into a game show
Of my own design called "tails!,"
And we got paul scheer to host it.
Oh, guys, I have been waiting for this one
For a long, long time.
I think you're gonna love it. Welcome to "tails!"
[ applause ]
Hey, everybody! Ha ha ha!
Well, welcome to "tails!"
The only game show where our contestants guess the animal
By putting the tail...
Together: In their mouth.
Oh, man.
[ q laughs ]
Welcome to "tails!"
Paul: Let's meet our competitors.
First up, we have james, a dog owner from new jersey.
Our next contestant, salvatore, loves cats so much
That one time he actually covered himself in them.
[ laughs ]
Look at their faces.
Guys, you get what you have to do here, right?
The rules are very, very simple.
Okay? You're gonna be blindfolded.
You're gonna put that animal tail in your mouth
To guess, "whose tail is in my mouth?"
Clearly, this is just an excuse
To put tails in my friends' mouths.
But that's what happens when you lose.
Are you ready, contestants?
Yes. Sure.
Donkey pound, are you ready?!
Together: Yeah!
All right, then.
Together: Let's play "tails!"
[ laughs ]
James, please put on your blindfold.
Okay. Send in the tail.
Let's bring out the first tail.
Please welcome vanna black cat.
There it is.
[ audience "oohs" ]
[ laughs ]
Now, I do want to remind everybody
That the tails obtained in the show "tails!"
Are predominantly roadkill.
[ q laughs ]
Now, james, vanna is going
To put the tail in your mouth.
Open wide. Open wide.
Get that tail in his mouth.
I need that tail in his mouth.
Open. Open. All right.
[ q laughs, audience "ohhs" ]
You guys are playing "tails!" now, baby.
[in your mouth.Ience "ohhs" ]
Q: All right. Let's see if murray can identify that tail.
[ laughs ]
I think salvatore is a little jealous
He didn't get this tail.
[ gagging ] oh, yeah.
He's tasting it.
Oh, and now really tongue it.
[ q laughs ]
James, here's your clue.
You'll go hog-wild for this tail.
[ muffled ] uh, is it a pig?
[ ding! ] that's right.
Great job, james.
James, was it exciting to taste a pig tail in your mouth?
What is this game show?
It's "tails!"
The only game show where you guess the animal
By putting the tail in your mouth.
The rules are pretty simple.
Oh [bleep]
[ q laughing ]
Q: Look at the audience.
But do we -- am I getting points or...
Yeah, you get points. Oh, okay.
And right now, you have a chance to tie up the game, salvatore.
Let's get ready to taste that tail.
Vanna!
Q: Here we go, sal.
Ooh. That's right.
Vanna is presenting the tail. And this is a juicy one.
Not literally. It's very hairy.
Salvatore, open your mouth really wide. Here we go.
Salvatore, open up that mouth really wide.
-Open! -Open!
Q: Open it! It's a punishment!
It's a punishment. You have to put that tail in your mouth.
Open that mouth.
[ gags ]
Lick it. Mouth it.
I'm gonna let you taste it for a second more
Before I give you a clue.
[ gags ]
There's no masking what this little bandit is.
What tail is that?
[ q laughs ]
[ laughs ]
[ muffled ] a raccoon?
A raccoon.
[ ding! ] that's correct.
[ q laughs ]
[ gags ]
This is going better than I thought, bud.
[ squawk ] oh.
That squawk means it's time for the next round.
Oh, boy. It is time to play "hot, hot, hot tails!"
Q: Oh, boys, this next round's my favorite.
This is gonna be great. You guys are gonna love this.
James, put on on your blindfold.
Please welcome vanna black cat.
[ applause ]
Whew!
This tail is smothered in hot sauce.
That's right.
That is -- that is distinct.
[ q laughs ]
Now, vanna, please put that hot tail in james' mouth.
It's gross, bro.
Oh!
[ q laughs ]
Q: You guys are playing "tails!" now, baby.
Okay. Now, the hint is, "hey, there, pilgrim.
Gobble this tail."
Okay. The animal is a turkey,
And the sauce was a hot salsa.
[ ding! ]
Yeah!
What the [bleep] wow.
Yeah, murray! Yeah, baby.
You got a taste for a hot sauce and a taste for tails,
This game was made for you.
Salvatore, put that blindfold on.
Vanna, let's see our next tail.
[ q laughs ]
Oh, my god.
Oh, great. [bleep] ooh.
This is another hard tail, salvatore --
Not in difficulty to guess, but in texture.
Here we go.
[ chanting ] taste it. Taste it. Taste it. Taste it.
You have two distinct flavors in there.
You get both right, you will tie the game.
Okay. Your clue.
You just had a "shell" of a time
Tasting that southern mammal.
[ q laughs ]
Southern mammal. You had a "shell" of a time.
Lobster?
Lobsters are a southern mammal.
[ buzzer, audience groans ]
Yeah.
James, you want to guess?
Was that an armadillo?
That was an armadillo. Wow. Wow. Wow.
Another point for james. He saw it! He saw it!
He saw it!
Right from the donkey pound, they're screaming, "you suck."
Let's all yell at him.
You suck!
Yeah.
All right, paul. Time to announce the winner.
Let's bring it home, baby.
Our winner today of "tails!" is james.
[ cheers and applause ]
[ ting! ]
Q: Oh, you're not done yet, buddy.
Salvatore. You are not going home empty-handed.
So we actually want to give you something.
It is a luxurious fur coat. Come over here.
I know it's hot, but you got to put this on.
Okay? And there you go. Now, look at salvatore.
How do you feel in this beautiful fur coat?
Weird, hot. Weird and hot.
Now, james, you've won the game. Let's see what you won.
Send in the briefcase. Welcome, alex.
So now this is an opportunity to put one of the rarest tails
In the world in your mouth.
Please reveal the tail.
Ooh. It is a dodo bird tail.
Paul, you're gonna put this one in his mouth yourself, okay?
Here we go.
Now, put it -- oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. There it is. Just take it in. Oh, yeah.
[ laughs ]
Oh, amazing!
You got to taste a dodo tail.
That's it for all of us at "tails!"
Thank you for joining us.
All right, send in the protestor.
Send in the protestor.
Fur is murder!
[ audience gasps ]
[ q laughs ]
Paul: Again, no animals were harmed in the making of "tails!"
Thanks for joining us.
Tune in next time for...
"whose tail's in my mouth?" all right.
Yay! We did it, guys. We did it.
"tails!"