This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Good morning, housemates! 26 hours till finals! Ah, sh...it! Hot!
MUSIC: The Number One Song in Heaven by Sparks
Er, Kingsley, I...
got your tea.
Fuck off!
Vod, I made you a...
Ohh...
Get out.
Ooh... Ooh... Ooh...
Oh, my God!
Don't look at me!
Howard?
Yes, I'm masturbating, and, no, I do not have time to stop!
OK.
Guys, I know it's exam time and everyone's revising
and you're all under a lot of stress,
but can you please stop wanking and shouting?!
Oh, you're not wanking!
No.
I'm tired of wanking.
You know, it is said that when a man is tired of wanking,
he is tired of life.
Yeah, I don't think that is said.
How's the revision going?
I've gone slightly insane.
I wrote the word "igneous" thousands of times on tiny little cards.
OK.
Oh!
New commission?
No.
I drew that for fun.
Well, if there's anything I can do to help...
Anything...within certain limits.
Housemates! At the beep, the time until finals will be...
22 hours.
Beep!
What if you wake up on the morning
of your finals and your hands have gone all floppy? Shut up, Josie.
You've got these floppy hands and they won't hold a pen
and you turn up and you're like,
"Hi, I'm Edward Floppyhands, I don't think I can do my exam"?
Shut up, Josie. It probably won't, but it could happen.
What if it has happened? I might google it. Don't you google it.
Howard, I've made you a salmon and kelp smoothie.
It's got eight Pro Plus in it.
Slaty cleavage, gneiss, gastroliths, escarpments...
I'll just pop it down. Not...
on the table.
Josie, this is an external partition of my mind.
Would you put an uncoastered drink onto my mind?
Hey, Vod, I need another book of tickets for Vod's World Of Carnage.
Vod and Kingsley's World Of Cheese And Carnage, thank you.
It's the Lake Of Fire. You say those three little words
and everyone's, like, "Oh, Josie, please take my money!
"Anything for the Lake Of Fire!"
Well, it is an amazing concept, to be totally fair to myself.
I didn't sign off on a Lake Of Fire. Kingo,
I have told you - head of logistics, head of vision.
You know, I come up with the concepts,
you come up with the...plastic cups.
I'm sorting the plastic cups?!
That is...
beyond the fucking pale.
Well, I've only gone and done it.
I've fucked it off and hired a barge.
I need to just get away from it all -
no internet, no...
..distractions.
How have you afforded that? You're broke.
Oh, I cracked into my 5K buffer.
So...
Howard...
what do you say to me, you and your lovely, lovely brain table
taking a serene study cruise down the historic Barton Aqueduct?
Oh, let me guess, all aboard the banter barge?
Nope. No bants.
Tough on bants.
Tough on the causes of bants. Total bants clamp-down.
Just pure, hard-core study.
JP, suffice it to say,
I will not be joining you on your ship of fools.
Seven.
I'm seven days clean.
Seven days since I shagged JP.
I'm proud of you, mate.
A week sober.
Yeah.
It's like... I'm not sure I'll ever be in a place
where I can say I'll never shag JP again, but...
by God, I'm gonna try!
Here's something to take your mind off JP's knob.
More tickets.
SHE EXHALES
VOD SNIFFS DEEPLY
You've had a man in here!
No! No?
Hmm.
So...what is this?!
The world's straightest pube?
I'm seeing...
a private tutor. I...
am having private tuition before my finals.
Oh.
So...who's paying for that, then? Merkel?
Please don't call my dad that. It's all right for some, innit?
Look, I'm behind. What with my failed presidency,
and my scholarship,
I have a lot of catching up to do
and they can be very insistent, Geoff and Lynda,
which is incredibly helpful, because it reminds me what's at stake,
but also sometimes a teeny bit fucking much,
if you know what I mean.
Anyway, er, post come, this from...
..TV Licence and...
this.
Got a US postmark, so I thought...
My Fulbright application.
What if they found out about the impeachment and they're rejecting me
and then I have a meltdown
and I shave off all my eyebrows and I can't revise?
You don't wanna go under exam conditions without eyebrows.
Believe. You take it.
I'll open it...afterwards.
JOSIE: Oh, come on, open it!
Hi, Oregon.
I just wanted to know if you got it!
I definitely said "mamma mia", cos I say it all the time.
"Mamma mia, I've got a lot of revision to do."
"Mamma mia, it's my finals tomorrow
"and my girlfriend won't fucking kiss me."
Look, I think we both know it's gone a bit weird lately.
Are you breaking up with me?
No. Cos if you are, I'd rather you just did it, because I cannot
have the sword of rejection hanging over me for my whole finals.
Let's just be adults, Rosa.
If it's over, then just say it's over.
Kingsley, it's over.
What the fuck?!
You're breaking up with me the day before my finals?!
Look at this! With the colours, look!
Blue, accretion.
Red, lithology.
Yellow, turbidity.
Do you see any colours on here that signify emotional turmoil?!
No. No, because I don't have time for it!
Great, now I've got a migraine.
I'm sorry, Kingsley... Well, you've ruined my life.
So thanks for that.
So, go on.
Fuck off.
Don't you want to talk about it?
I don't ever want to talk to you ever again, you evil fucking woman!
I love you. Please stay with me until after my finals.
Good luck with your exams.
Ciao.
Don't say ciao, you fucking Swiss phoney!
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
HE SIGHS
DISTANT ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
WHIRRING STOPS
All right?
ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
JP!
With regret, it has become necessary for me
to beg safe passage aboard the revision barge.
Very well, I will add you to the manifest right now.
All aboard the anti-banty boat!
GENTLE PASTORAL MUSIC
18 hours left. No pressure, guys!
Right, so that's 300 vigorous squat thrusts in the bank.
Parcel came for you.
Oh, great! That's just what I need, a fucking parcel to open!
Ooh, where are we on Lake Of Fire?
Oh, Vod, do I look like I've got time to organise a Lake Of Fire
when I'm sat around opening packages all day?
Oh, looks like Kingsley's found ten minutes to open a parcel.
Meanwhile, Violet Nordstrom is chatterboxing away
like she doesn't have finals in the morning.
Oh, look at this shit. Oh, biscuits, energy drinks, Mini Eggs...
Like, as if I've got time to sit around eating fucking Mini Eggs!
Aww, your mum sent you a care package!
That is so cute! These Mini Eggs are saying,
"Hurry up and finish your exams so you can move back home with me."
They are tainted and they are aggressive.
Kingsley, do you know what my mum sends me?
Summonses.
She gives them my address.
Affray, council tax,
driving while eating a bagel, all that shit.
At least you're not being sent sub-textual,
passive-aggressive fucking chocolates!
Are you OK, Kingsley?
Yeah... Rosa broke up with me. Oh.
What for? Oh, that's not the point.
I thought you didn't like her very much anyway?
That's also not the point.
She was my way out, she was my...
..safe haven for next year, my...my Swiss mountain retreat.
Is this about your libido? Hmm?
Nothing. What did you say?
What?
I said...
is it about your libido? Because you've got such a...
high libido.
Why would she break up with me because I've got a high libido?
Because...
it's...
..exhausting
and quite unhealthy, actually, to be shagged so well and so often.
Josie, have I got a low libido?
No.
Relatively low.
Great, so I've got no girlfriend and a relatively low libido.
Right, I'm gonna go and see
if I can find a way to set fire to Worthington fucking Lake!
Which reminds me...
Your ticket money. Thanking you.
And there's plenty more where that came from. I have got mug punters
from here to Chorley, lining up to have a date
with some really hot fucking water.
I'm not happy with this mooring,
because I don't like its vibe. There's too many geese.
They are sketching me out, we must leave.
The mooring is fine!
The mooring is not fine! The mooring is untenable!
The mooring is perfectly tenable! I'm not happy with the mooring,
so we are leaving and finding a new mooring
because I cannot revise at this mooring!
Oh, brilliant, so we're gonna get trapped in the lock cycle again.
Yeah, let's just write off another 45 minutes
in the endless, "Gate closing, gate opening,"
oh, a friendly wave to the guy with the fucking Scottie dog!
Howard, need I remind you that I am captain of the Bluebell?!
We are finding a new mooring,
so hoist the mizzen and splice the fucking mainbrace!
There is no mizzen, there is no mainbrace, there are no sails.
This is a fucking barge!
DOOR RATTLES
EXAGGERATED SCOTTISH ACCENT: Having trouble with the door?
Aaaargh!
OK, so I've just spoken to some guy in fucking Utah about setting
a lake on fire, cos that's the sort of thing you do the day before
your finals, and he says we can get a giant submersible butane manifold.
Mm! Obviously we'll need to clear the lake first.
Ducks, geese, mallards.
Hmm. No-one wants a goose inferno.
The best way to scare ducks, apparently,
cos I really have time to research this now during my revision,
is to hire some hawks from a local falconry centre.
So apparently for a lake the size of Worthington
we need about six with handlers and a kestrel.
How much is that then?
It's 12 grand for the burner, 1,500 for a 60-litre
industrial butane canister, plus 600 quid each
for a couple of qualified frogmen who plumb it all in.
Er, so with the hawks, the manifold, the diffuser
and petrol for the frogmen, it's?18,000.
That gives us four minutes of solid, safe, controlled flame.
Right.
18 grand...
Unless...
I mean, obviously you can't put a price on safety.
But, you also sort of can.
I mean, on one hand there is the wellbeing of the punters,
and then on the other hand, well, there's profit.
And can you see how there's a little bit of a balancing act there?
Is it a balancing act that's on a tightrope that's on fire?
Kingo, we've got to look after our futures.
We don't want to be moving back in with Mum.
Bringing a nice girl home. You know, getting all horny on the sofa
and then boom, massive bra on the radiator.
OK, if I'm going to have any sort of future in radio
I need this event on my CV.
What I don't need is a burned, dead student on my conscience.
All right.
Do it properly.
Yeah? OK, thank you. Right.
Ah!
Yes, this is a fine mooring.
Everything will be fine at this mooring.
Um, I thought we could...er,
maybe play a game.
Suppose you were throwing a dinner party and you're only allowed
to invite four aspects of drilling gas wells that a geologist must
consider once an exploratory well has uncovered a shale formation.
What four aspects would you invite?
You know, it's just fun to think about, isn't it?
Mm. You mean like trying to extract information from my brain?
You cannot frack me, JP.
I am unfrackable.
Fine.
Suit yourself.
DRILL
You?
Yes, Howard. I Bosched you.
DRILL Bosch.
And I will Bosch you again until you give me the knowledge.
You absolute copper-bottomed fucker!
Study now, bitch.
DRILL
Howard,
what are the four aspects of drilling a gas well that
a geologist must consider when he or she has uncovered a shale formation?
Tell me, Howard!
Give me the knowledge, Howard!
I want your knowledge!
I can't be fracked. I will not be fracked...
I'm warning you, I'll scuttle the fleet!
I'll drill a hole in the floor and sink us all!
Don't make me scuttle The Bluebell, Howard!
I'll do it! I will not be fracked!
You cannot frack me, JP. I cannot be fracked!
I will not be fracked!
Batten down the crockery! Untenable mooring.
SHE WHISTLES
Hey. It's Oregon. She's been rejected.
Hmm? The Fulbright.
You opened it?!
Look, maybe it's a good thing, you know, take the pressure off.
OK, my friend, he found out his dad had cancer
on the morning of his driving test. Boom, passed first time!
No! No way.
No, no, no. We can't tell her until after the exams.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're right.
But I really want to be there when we tell her, yeah?
You know, for support, and...shit.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Easy, Mole. How's things?
Right, I'm getting crewed up for the event. All right.
I just thought I'd drop round
and make sure you're not going to flake out on me.
Mole. Fuck's sake. Do I look like I'm going to flake out?
Hmm, hang on a minute.
Do I look like I'm going to flake out?
It's just with the cost up front.
And you know, I don't know you from a tin of beans.
OK. Listen.
You're not dealing with some dewy-eyed virgin
who's just rolled off the Megabus from Cat-Piss-on-Tweed. OK?
I am making so much honk I'm running out of places to hide it.
We're talking 60, 70 grand.
Right, so if I were you, I would get in touch with your wholesaler.
You know, whoever your like, Costco of cocaine is.
You know, I would order eight saucepans
of his finest Chuck Norris.
All right.
Good to know, that.
Laters, new potatoes. Ta-ra.
Well, I've only gone and done it.
I have fucked it off and rented a cottage.
You see, I figured what we needed was somewhere that had the ambience
and low ceilings of a barge, but on land.
A sort of land barge, or house, if you will.
The problem is not the barge, JP.
The problem is your mind.
But it's got a scullery, Howard.
Think of all the facts we'll learn in a scullery.
Howie...
..can I talk to you about something?
It's just that...there's this thing that's confusing me
and I don't know who to turn to.
JP,
are you confiding in me?
I mean, I'm going to end up doing a job I don't want,
but meanwhile there IS something that I DO want.
But what if the thing that I want doesn't want me?
It's a confusing thing. The thing is confusing.
Not to stop you in your stride JP, but if you continue like this
I may have to go outside and hold my breath
until my body turns limp and then just let it slide into the water.
OK. Forget it. Thank you. That's the preferred option.
You've got it licked, haven't you, mate?
An amazing job all lined up.
No pressure, no expectations.
The unbridled joy of the blank page
stretching out eternally in front of you.
No structure, no timetable.
I'm not a blank page.
A lined page maybe.
God I envy your freedom, Howard.
Come on, mate.
Abandon barge.
Hey, Jose. Do you think we could have a quick chat?
I've just ejaculated. That's three times today. Yeah, three.
I've looked that up and apparently it's relatively high.
Um, Kingsley,
do you think that you should focus on studying, as opposed to,
say, looking up wanking statistics and eating Mini Eggs?
Hmm, I don't have time for that sort of mumbo jumbo,
what I need to know is if either of you two would like
to be my girlfriend until after my exams?
Josie? Mmm?
Er, I don't think so.
Vod? Sorry, Kingo.
Fine. Don't blame you. You're just having a freak out.
Oh! Palms are tingling. That's a new one.
Back for another vigorous session. Onwards and downwards.
DOORBELL Mm, someone's at the door.
BANGING ON DOOR
Ah, it might be for me. I ordered some ADHD meds.
Apparently they make all your leg hairs fall out
but you can revise for hours.
Two large shaven-headed males.
Maybe they work for the paramilitary wing of the Jehovah's Witnesses.
Open the door! HEAVY BANGING
Drop everything, get in the cellar.
BANGING CONTINUES
Move!
BANGING CONTINUES
Fuck! Fuck!
It's the fucking TV licence people! Shit!
I thought we paid?!
We haven't paid! Fuck, we're going to fucking prison!
Can I just say, for the record, I hardly watch it.
Oh, so you don't watch the Great British Sewing Bee? Twice!
Twice I watched it and it was fucking shit!
Guys. I'm trying to study.
What the fuck are you doing down here? Revising.
I think the real question is, what the fuck are you doing down here?
Can we just keep our voices down? Vod? Are you in there, mate?
How do they know your name?!
They know everything. Quickly, delete iPlayer from your phones.
Oh, Jesus. I'm going to prison for watching New Tricks.
Guys, I don't think the TV licence people kick your front door in.
Don't you see? They've gone rogue.
For the record, that isn't a television in my bedroom.
It's a TV monitor for playing video games.
What is going on? I don't know.
Maybe it's the guy come to pick up the big Next catalogue.
They already came and picked up the Next catalogue!
OK, we're not going anywhere until we get our 60 grand.
We'll start looking, eh?
THUD Oh, my God!
You'd better fucking tell us where it is
before we rip this place apart!
Um, guys. I think I might know what this is.
Promise not to shout?
Um, well, might of,
by accident, told the drug dealer who's doing security and drugs
for my event, that I've got 60 grand cash in the house.
What the fuck, Vod? So that's Mole? That's fucking Mole up there?!
That fucking bald psycho with the deceptively adorable nickname?
Yes. You got involved with the Manchester drug lords?
The lords of the drug lords?
Drug dealers? Vod, have you seen The Wire?
Because I haven't, but I can fucking imagine.
I'm starting to feel a mite jittery,
so I'm just going to lie flat on the cold, hard ground.
Yeah.
Look, it's just one of those things that happens, isn't it?
No, Vod. It isn't.
Washing your jeans with a tissue in the pocket,
or accidentally ordering a large jar of olives from the Ocado shop.
But getting raided by dealers the night before your fucking finals?
I'm calling the rozzers,
getting them to wazz round here and rozz up all the crimos.
Er, actually I'd prefer it if you didn't, mate.
He is a dealer and I am kind of up to my nips in this, so...
Am I up to my nips as well?
Am I nipple-deep by association?
There's no signal.
OK, Vod. You are going up there and you are giving them the money.
Actually, I can't. It is 60 grand.
Look, I know it's a wrench.
I remember when I had to take out 75K from my trusties
as an endowment on this place.
I nearly had a fucking nosebleed in Bradford and Bingley.
What about the grad ball, huh?
No cash means no Lake of Fire.
All those disappointed punters. I mean... Where the fuck is it?
We give them a bit of it.
Yeah, I'm going to be honest with you, Jose. I don't think Mole's
the kind of gentleman that'll come here,
help himself to a grand and leave without the other 59.
We can't stay here! We've got our finals in the morning!
It'll only be a couple of hours.
In my experience,
nine times out of ten these things just blow over.
THUD Vod, listen, girl! I'm not fucking around!
Right, that's from the Office of National Statistics, is it?
Mole, mate! Are you a fan of Expressionism?
Because in my dresser, second drawer down, you will find a sketch
by a certain Lucian Freud.
Mole? Tell you what, if we make it out of this alive...
If?!
I said when.
Hundred quid each?
Oh, great. That'll make up for the loss of earnings
when we all fail our finals.
I can use it to buy a big velvet dunce cap. Vod, give them the money.
Yeah, Vod, stop fucking around.
Will everyone just shut the fuck up about it for a minute, OK?
I am not giving them my money.
You know, he's probably up there stealing all our stuff.
He's probably going to take my fucking 12-string.
Right, we're not leaving till we've found it!
He's watching TV.
What's he watching?
Something mellow?
What time's Mr Selfridge on?
Maybe we could encourage him to watch that.
Vod, if you don't give him his money soon, I am going to fail my finals.
Well, I've eaten a whole bag of dried cranberries
and I'm going to need to...
shit them out pretty soon.
Come on. It's exciting.
It's like that film with Ben Stiller and the dinosaur.
No, Vod, It's nothing like Night at the fucking Museum.
It's like Night at the Museum.
Ah, remember this?
Hello, old friend!
God, that really puts the last three years into perspective.
Back then, he was just a light entertainer
and now, he's a genuinely heavyweight polemicist.
Like, relative to what?
My libido.
SHE SIGHS Seriously, Kingsley.
I'm just asking.
Relative to what?
A chimp scraping his dick against a mango tree?
I don't know. Relative to...
normal. So, it's subnormal?
Can I claim benefits? Can I get a special badge for my car?
My libido's disabled.
Your libido is not disabled.
Can you just be my girlfriend for the next nine and a half hours?
"Pity the poor eunuch."
Kingsley, I'm not going to be your inflatable ripcord girlfriend.
"In case of emergency, insert penis here."
Mole, mate, me again!
If you give me your sort code, account number
and a copy of your passport,
I will gladly transfer over to you
a sizeable portion of my premium bonds.
Right, Vod, give them the money, I need a poo.
Howard, have you got a bucket?
Of course I've got a bucket.
I can't vouch for its provenance though.
I'm not shitting in a bucket!
"Advanced Physics?!"
Oh, yeah. It's funny you mention that, actually,
because I am dropping out of my geology degree
and applying to study physics, commencing September!
Howard, are you doing it again?
Absolutely not, that's a ludicrous slur!
I'm just saying that, every three years,
you do tend to go a bit Coco Pops the night before your finals.
Thank you for your psychoanalysis, Miss Carl Jung!
Do you have the fear?
The fear of what?
Moving to London and having your pants pulled down in Regent's Park.
That's ridiculous!
Howard, you can't drop out now.
You're being a dick. Right, you lot?
Right.
I don't know.
Do you know, I'm just saying that...
three more years at Medlock
does have a ring to it.
God, you're just trying to clip his wings
cos you're scared of getting left on your own.
Oh, that is low, Kingsley.
That is relatively low.
Oh, fuck off, Josie.
Hey, mate.
Easy on Jose, OK?
What's it matter to you?
Nothing.
Oh, my god, you're fucking.
Look, Kingo, don't freak out.
Don't freak out?!
Oh, yeah. OK, fine -
because whenever anyone says that, it's ALWAYS good news(!)
We were just shagging, that's all.
"That's all?!" Well, that is all!
That is all there is!
I wouldn't even call it shagging.
It was more like...
bonking. Yeah, bonking!
You can't go mad about bonking.
It's fun, it's smutty,
it's Sid James and Babs Windsor!
So THAT'S why you were entering his bedroom at 3.20 every morning. Ah!
Howard. Amazing! Even Howard knew!
I mean, he doesn't understand it but he's got the raw fucking data!
Did everyone know?
Sorry, mate.
Jose told us right before she cold-cocked me in the truth tent.
Also, I feel like I knew before I knew, if you know what I mean?
Like, I kind of tend to assume that she's either riding you
or you at any given moment.
Does anyone else want to emotionally violate me the day before my finals?
I mean, really!
Does anyone else want to take a shit in my mouth?
Now, why can't I see my hands?
My palms are swirly. I can't...
I can't see my hands.
I'm fucking blind.
Just don't be a drama queen.
That, Kingsley, is an ocular migraine brought on by stress.
I had one when they switched off Teletext.
Well...
So, I'm blind!
Thank you, Josie. Thank you for making me go blind!
What about JP? He gets half the blame! He gets one eye!
Aw, ow! Tummy cramps!
Ah, great, so that's my stool cycle interrupted before my exams.
Cheers, Vod! Kingsley, It was nothing.
It was a one-off.
Well, a series of one-offs.
That have come to an end.
Very recently.
Very finally.
I mean...
seven days clean.
You know, it's funny,
I don't remember you moaning that much when we were doing it.
Oh, sorry, my mistake - yes, I do.
HE MOANS
Shut up, JP. Yeah, shut up!
Because that's just the way you like me, isn't it, Jose?
Silent, compliant JP!
The big, disgusting dildo.
Well, how's that?
MUFFLED: Is that better for you? Huh?
Now if he's making this about him, it's not about him.
It's not about you, JP!
You know what? I like you.
There, I like you, deal with that...
No, you fucking don't.
..but it doesn't matter...
because Tomothy has got me a job in London
and I'm going to move there,
so you're never going to have to see me again.
You're going to work for Tomothy?
Yes, he's offered me a badly-paid position
doing something that I will hate
and I have accepted. I knew it.
I knew you were going to end up like one of them.
I mean, you held out for, like, 20 minutes but I knew it.
They're going to ride me, Josie.
Do you understand?
They're going to ride me round and round that office
like one of those novelty mini motorbikes.
Then why are you doing it?!
Because...
What other choice do I have?
Oh, my god!
You want to play the pity game?
Yeah? Where's my hand?
I'm blind, I don't have a girlfriend,
I don't have any books,
I've got my finals tomorrow,
I've got a RELATIVELY low libido.
In fact, while I'm at it,
some more squat thrusts, I think!
Which, of course, only exacerbate my migraine.
God, I love my life(!)
Oh, stop fucking whining, Kingsley.
You're such a little bitch.
I have cause to moan, Josie.
You can either sit around feeling sorry for yourself
or you can get up and do some revision.
How?!
I don't have any books and I'm blind!
Do you think that stopped Stevie Wonder, Kingsley?
He did not go blind the night before his geology finals!
Right, I'm going to get you through this...
because I consider myself to be...
..a kind of mother hen to you all.
Don't, because you will make me cry.
Oh, shut up, Josie.
Sorry, but this isn't about you.
You're always sticking your beak in like a big Welsh heron.
Just... SHE SQUAWKS
Well, that's nice, isn't it?
God!
Don't you have your own life to sort out?
I was just trying to help, actually,
because I'm going to be stuck here, next year, on my own
and I was just trying to be a good friend
because I wanted to help you all out, cos I'm such a good friend.
I'm such a good friend that I have to tell you, actually, Oregon,
that you're NOT getting your Fulbright.
Because I'm a really good friend, and you just have to face up
to reality because I'm a really, really, really good friend.
You opened it?
I think I might open a window.
I might just hide behind this box.
I'm a really, really good friend.
Basically, I'm a really, really good friend.
SHE SOBS
TV BLARES
He's watching Ross Kemp,
so that's going to get him all riled.
Give them the money, Vod.
Yeah, Vod. Give them the money.
He's getting tired up there, I can sense it.
All that ransacking, it does you in.
I'm back to one eye.
I'm basically going into my finals as a cyclops.
God, I'm going to end up moving back home, aren't I?
Me, living with my mum,
washing her massive, beige bras.
Howard, I was being stupid.
You can't start again
and you can't stay at university forever.
Ultimately, that remains to be seen.
Do you know what, Howard?
You're not even that weird.
Not any more.
I mean, you are still a little bit weird.
I did see you eating that moth about three months ago.
Yeah, I mean, when I first met you,
I used to dread spending three seconds with you -
but now I could go, I don't know,
up to 50 minutes in your company
before I need just a little break.
But what if I flounder?
What if I forget to swipe my Oyster card
and Transport For London chooses to make an example of me?
What if I get mugged every day by the same guy
who can't stop mugging me
because I'm insanely muggable?
Howard...
you're ready.
THUMPING
Right, Vod. Time's up, girl.
Give us the money or we're smashing the guitar.
What guitar?
Which guitar?
Come on, Mole.
Don't be such a prick.
Don't agitate him,
he's all hopped-up on Ross Kemp!
Is it the Tanglewood or the Yamaha? MUFFLED YELLING
Could you just look at the headstock and read it out to me?
Enough's enough, Vod. Just give them the money.
I cannot stress highly enough how much I need a poo.
It is 60 grand!
'Vod, listen, girl, I'm not fucking about!'
You're not going to do this?
Look me in the eye - this eye -
and tell me you're going to do this?
Vod, just forget about the fucking grad ball. Who cares?
Look, this isn't about the ball, all right?
I need this money cos...
..it's my finals tomorrow
and I'm about to fuck them up.
No, you're not.
No, I need a fall-back option.
I don't have a miracle, not me.
I've got no-one. You've got us.
No, this is real money.
I could do something with this.
'I'm cutting the guitar strings, Vod.'
STRING SNAPS
No, that's it, gone again.
I mean, when am I ever going to get 60 grand again in my life?
Vod, please don't screw up our finals for us.
STRING SNAPS Ah.
'Right, last chance, Vod, or I'm smashing the shit out of it!'
'Three...' STRING SNAPS
Ahh. '..two...' Do something, Vod.
He's about to have a fucking stroke!
'Vod, I'm not fucking messing, love!
'Where the fuck is it?!
'Vod?!' All right, I'm coming!
Just take it, you dirty monster.
'Nice one. Sorry for bothering you.'
TV BLARES
Thanks, Vod.
No worries.
You would've done the same for me.
OK, so, I've got a geology exam I should probably cram for.
OK, I think I'm going to just... Yeah.
I'm sure you're aware but...
everyone got quite nutty down in the cellar.
You don't REALLY like me, do you?
No, I definitely don't like you.
Good...
because I DEFINITELY don't like you.
Well, that's...
..worked out pretty tooting perfectly.
Did he take my guitar?
Where's my guitar?
SMASH
Ah, fuck!
Oh!
I've stepped on my fucking guitar!
MUSIC: Insieme A Te Non Ci Sto Piu by Caterina Caselli
Subtitles by Ericsson