1
00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:07,359
♪ O mio babbino caro

2
00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:11,360
♪ Mi piace, e bello, bello

3
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:18,880
♪ Vo'andare in Porta Rossa

4
00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:27,080
♪ A comperar I'anello! ♪

5
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:40,759
Are you ready?

6
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:43,599
Can you believe 50% of our
mark is about to be decided?

7
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:46,559
Something terrible has happened.

8
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:47,959
What?

9
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:51,519
Well, when I was writing this,
I had this amazing feeling

10
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,879
like it was the most original...

11
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:56,119
thought-provoking
dissertation ever written.

12
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:57,399
In the English language.

13
00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:01,400
But now, looking back over it...

14
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:03,199
...well, it's more like the...

15
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,839
tedious meandering waffle of
a madwoman.

16
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,279
What's going on?

17
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,239
You're probably just too close to
it to be objective. Want me to...?

18
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:11,639
Fuck off.

19
00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,159
What if it's shit?

20
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,879
What if it's genius?

21
00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,759
What if it's shit?

22
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,279
What if it's genius?

23
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,839
What if it's shit?

24
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:27,840
What if it's genius?

25
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:43,000
What I'm thinking... is what they're
gonna want is a playlist of the self.

26
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,599
Five songs that distil my
essence.

27
00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:49,719
Who is Kingsley Owen?

28
00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:53,720
They will ask you about your work
ethic, or if you are a team player.

29
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:54,959
No, no, no, no, no.

30
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,199
They're gonna be like...

31
00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:58,759
"Do you dig Miles?"

32
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:02,760
You just don't want to be
pretentious or, you know...

33
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:04,319
boring.

34
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,319
I have to get back to the
office.

35
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:10,079
Um, cool. I'll call you later, yeah?
Let you know how it goes?

36
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,959
Cool.

37
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:19,479
I may come with you on the
Megabus.

38
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:22,519
I'm applying for a job at Ordnance
Survey, but they're based in London.

39
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,999
I need to do a recce of the
surrounding environment,

40
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,799
make sure we're compatible.

41
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:30,479
I don't want to work for Ordnance
Survey if it requires, for example,

42
00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:33,359
being kettled by Metropolitan
Police on a daily basis,

43
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,639
as happened on my last visit
to London.

44
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:38,039
I'm pretty sure you're not going to
get randomly kettled

45
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:39,479
on the way to work, Howard.

46
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,639
Oh, Kingsley doesn't "think" I'll
get kettled. How reassuring

47
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:46,640
And yet experience tells me that
on 100% of my visits to London,

48
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,759
I have been kettled.

49
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:52,760
Therefore, it is only sensible to
make sure. So, can I come?

50
00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:55,399
I guess, but you have to be ready
early, OK?

51
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,279
Oh, don't you worry.

52
00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:01,280
I'll be ready.

53
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:04,799
Hi, Tony.

54
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,279
Thanks for calling. Um...

55
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:10,159
I've got two minutes, so let me download
the facts and then you can respond, OK?

56
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,839
Basically, Jeanette Winterson has agreed
to be our judge for the Shawcross...

57
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:14,999
Uh-huh.

58
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,679
Uh-huh, yes, it's fabulous.

59
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:20,279
But the thing is, she only has time
to judge the two best poems.

60
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:23,239
Now, what I need is someone to read
through the bulk of the poems

61
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:24,959
and choose Jeanette's two.

62
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,399
A stableboy, if you will.

63
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,479
Someone to shovel through
the shit and find the gold.

64
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,279
And I thought of you.

65
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:33,839
Now, I know that lecturers don't make
the big money any more,

66
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:37,840
so, er, I can offer you
Ј100 plus expenses.

67
00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:42,160
Because I'm offering you the chance
to work with Jeanette Winterson!

68
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,439
Oh, thank you.

69
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,399
That's great. OK, you won't
regret this.

70
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,599
I promise.

71
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:58,360
Rosa, why are there six angry men in
wheelchairs in my office, shouting at me?

72
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,879
They are protesting your decision
to take away their minibus.

73
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:05,199
I didn't take away their minibus.
It's the murderball team.

74
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,679
That's the murderball team.

75
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:08,159
Yes, that's the murderball team.

76
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,879
No, that's the murderball team.

77
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,279
OK, why do we keep saying it?

78
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:14,279
Those men in wheelchairs
are the murderball team.

79
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:18,280
"Murderball" is another word
for wheelchair rugby.

80
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:22,359
Yes, you took away their
special minibus.

81
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,039
The one that takes them
from the outreach programme

82
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,359
to the disadvantaged youth
centre.

83
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,359
And you used the money to
fund poems

84
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:34,360
for a prize named after
yourself.

85
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,959
Obviously, you knew that.

86
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,319
Because you wouldn't slash
funding for something

87
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,999
without understanding what it
was for, would you?

88
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,039
Oh, no.

89
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,519
Where's our bus? Where's our bus?

90
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,799
Ohh.

91
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:54,800
Oregon, are you about for a chat?

92
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:03,879
Vod, can we have a talk about...?

93
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,959
Yes, hello, Nightline?

94
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,919
I need to talk to someone.

95
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,879
About something I've done.

96
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:15,959
Something terrible.

97
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:18,999
I've had sex with JP before.
Quite a few times.

98
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:23,000
But this is the first time
we've ever done it...

99
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:24,559
...sober.

100
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,239
I fucking hate myself.

101
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,559
Yeah, well, I would talk to my
friends about it,

102
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,039
except they're all third years
and they're too busy,

103
00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,599
so I'm in this on my own.

104
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:39,000
Maybe I need to detach
myself from these people.

105
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,839
Try and be more...

106
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:44,199
...self-sufficient.

107
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:45,999
More independent.

108
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:51,080
Yeah, I'm the guy who, yeah, will
listen to I'm Ready by Royal Trux

109
00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:55,119
when he gets fucked on Jack.

110
00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:59,039
But sees no contradiction in rolling
out of bed the next day

111
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,919
and slowly grooving to Sweet
Caroline by Neil Diamond

112
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:05,679
while he sips his morning latte.

113
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:06,959
No, wait...

114
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:10,960
Well... the family baton
has been foisted upon me.

115
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,119
So, here I am.

116
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,359
About to don my father's suit

117
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:21,360
and go for a job in the City
with a starting salary of 100K.

118
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,479
I tried so hard to escape my
destiny.

119
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:25,919
But alas,

120
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:29,159
she has come to claim me.

121
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,799
Have you tried that hard, though?

122
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,279
I mean, really?

123
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,639
Of course I have.

124
00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,519
You wouldn't understand.

125
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:39,519
You don't have a destiny.

126
00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,359
But people like me...

127
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,439
we always have a destiny.

128
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:45,999
And we must always fulfil that
destiny.

129
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:50,000
Because if we didn't, the whole
fabric of society would unravel.

130
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,999
I mean, what would happen if...

131
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:57,000
people like me stopped quietly
accepting their privilege

132
00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:01,320
and started shirking the responsibility
of being in charge of everything?

133
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:05,520
We are overwhelmed with gratitude.

134
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,319
Eurgh. Another shit one.

135
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,039
Add that to the shit pile.

136
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,599
Where's the good pile?

137
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,319
There is no good pile.
They're all shit.

138
00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,479
Hi, Nas, have they gone yet?

139
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,079
Well, they're gonna have to
eat and sleep at some point,

140
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:25,080
so can you just let me know
when they've given up?

141
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:29,559
Ooh, To The President. This sounds
hopeful. It might be political.

142
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,519
"You took away my rugby
You took away my bus

143
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,239
"You took away all hopes and
dreams from us."

144
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,439
OK, well, that doesn't even
scan properly.

145
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:40,119
"I hope you die of something
Like tetanus or Aids

146
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,599
"If I wasn't in a wheelchair
I'd dance upon your grave."

147
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,719
Shit. Oh!

148
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:54,760
No, not a-shitting-nother one.

149
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:59,640
Oh, sweaty fucking Christ.

150
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,199
Right, you dozy fuckers.

151
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,639
Let's do a bong.

152
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,399
What did you just say?

153
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,999
I said, load up the billy,
I wanna smoke a bowl.

154
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:18,639
- Why are you talking like that?
- Like what?

155
00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:21,079
Also, um, I need a new
nickname.

156
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:25,080
- The Idiot?
- Something, um, cool and catchy

157
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:30,000
and something people will chant,
like, er... you know, Josie is...

158
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,319
- Cosy.
- No! Something cool.

159
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,279
People already think I'm too
nice.

160
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,199
I've got it.

161
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,399
- Ohh! Leave me alone.
- OK, what about...?

162
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,639
Listen. What about...

163
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,679
- Jobbo?
- No.

164
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:44,319
- Jobbo, yeah?
- It sounds like a cross

165
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,399
between a blow job and a poo.

166
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,119
- No, it doesn't.
- I don't like Jobbo.

167
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:50,319
Guess what?

168
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,119
Jobbo doesn't care if you
don't like her.

169
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,839
That's what makes her so
fucking likeable.

170
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,999
I need a lift right now.

171
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,319
- Oregon?
- Where?

172
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,159
- Er, West Wittering.
- Yeah, great.

173
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,519
Where's that? Is it far?

174
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,039
- Quite far.
- Great.

175
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,159
- Where are you going?
- Just a little getaway.

176
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,879
Not like driving away fast from the
scene of a crime or anything.

177
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:15,399
Just like a mini-break.

178
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,719
- Is it?
- Sort of, yeah.

179
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:21,720
Er, I need to see an old friend,
Paz, down at a free space commune.

180
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,239
Is that my lipstick?

181
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,439
No. Can I come?

182
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:27,799
Sorry, Jose,
it's not really a group thing.

183
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,719
Oregon's just gonna drop me
down there.

184
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,039
A commune's not really a
group thing?

185
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:36,040
Right, so you're going, Oregon's going,
and the three boys are going to London.

186
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:40,399
So, if I don't go, I'll just be
here on my own like Robinson Crusoe

187
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,559
and I'll end up talking to a beachball
and eating my own legs, or something.

188
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,359
No. I'll just get fresh knickers.

189
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:48,319
- No...
- Why are you going to West Wittering?

190
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,919
Need to see an old friend.

191
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:52,199
Get some advice.

192
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,599
I'll explain more later, yeah?

193
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:57,600
Shall we?

194
00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,399
Wait for Jobbo.

195
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,599
So, we introduce me
as Jobbo, yeah?

196
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,639
Cos that's my new name now.

197
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,439
What the fuck is
that?

198
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,159
What, this?

199
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:15,919
This is Jobbo's marijuana
cap.

200
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,919
Who the fuck is Jobbo?

201
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,839
I'm Jobbo. It's my new nickname.

202
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,439
Anyway, according to their
website,

203
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:27,440
your anarchist commune do shamanic
eraldaketa sessions.

204
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,359
They do what?

205
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:33,839
Completely changes your personality
for a significant amount of time.

206
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:35,239
Jobbo's gonna take some.

207
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,839
- No, she is not.
- Yes, she fucking is.

208
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,479
Shamanic eraldaketa?
That's pure fucking Jobbo.

209
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,799
There it is.

210
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:46,039
- That's free space?
- Yeah.

211
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,759
- I thought it'd be more...
- Ye-e-eah.

212
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,759
Why are we here again?

213
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,959
Er, see Paz, my friend from
my band.

214
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,999
You'll like her, Oregon.
She's a sand-poet.

215
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,959
She's a what?

216
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,439
Oh, there she is.

217
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,199
Oi, Paz.

218
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,479
Nas? What?

219
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:05,919
But it's been 24 hours.
How can they still be there?

220
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,519
Jesus Christ, what more do they want
from me?

221
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,319
- Everything OK?
- Yeah. Everything's brilliant.

222
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:15,320
- Oh, Vod! Welcome.
- Ahh!

223
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:20,759
I'm the guy with Dropout Boogie by
Beefheart going in one earphone,

224
00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:24,760
and September by Earth
Wind & Fire in the other.

225
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,279
Hurry up, I've got just enough
time to get to my interview.

226
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,959
- What's the quickest way to Temple?
- Haven't you checked?

227
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,679
Well, no, I thought they'd
send a car.

228
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:35,759
Oh, here, I've got a map.

229
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:39,199
Howard's day bag has useful
items for every eventuality.

230
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,999
Mind the gap.

231
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,799
- Oh, hold on, that's my application.
- Get on with it!

232
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,199
Get on! I'm gonna be late.

233
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,450
- Howard, get on the train.
- Come on!

234
00:12:56,247 --> 00:12:57,255
Driver!

235
00:12:58,180 --> 00:13:00,379
What's the protocol now?

236
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:03,179
- Do we get off at the next station
and go back?
- What if Howard's got on

237
00:13:03,180 --> 00:13:05,939
the next train, then he gets off
at the next station and goes back,

238
00:13:05,940 --> 00:13:07,899
but we're already on the next train
forwards?

239
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:11,299
- I don't have time for this shit.
- We'll just call him when we get
above ground.

240
00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:15,300
Howard's from Glasgow, isn't he?
He can look after himself.

241
00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:17,819
And then I printed out my essay

242
00:13:17,820 --> 00:13:20,539
and that was just loads of
meaningless bits of paper

243
00:13:20,540 --> 00:13:22,699
all put together.

244
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:24,019
And now I'm thinking...

245
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:27,019
...I don't know what
to do.

246
00:13:27,020 --> 00:13:30,539
That is an obscene amount of money
to spend on shuttlecocks.

247
00:13:30,540 --> 00:13:34,540
I say we cut Bad Soc funding in half
and send that back to murderball.

248
00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:37,019
Yeah, uh-huh. Mm, uh-huh.

249
00:13:37,020 --> 00:13:39,499
Mm-hm. OK, OK. Now read me the
budget for hockey.

250
00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:42,859
Why not get yourself a meaningless bit
of paper, if that's what you want?

251
00:13:42,860 --> 00:13:44,819
I don't know if it is what I want.

252
00:13:44,820 --> 00:13:48,339
You know, and I owe all this money
and, ugh,

253
00:13:48,340 --> 00:13:52,340
no idea how I'm gonna pay it back,
and what if it was like the band?

254
00:13:52,580 --> 00:13:54,659
- Cor!
- You know?

255
00:13:54,660 --> 00:13:57,779
Cos at the beginning, we were all
like, we're gonna be famous,

256
00:13:57,780 --> 00:14:00,539
our lyrics are gonna change
the world,

257
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,459
and we actually believed it.
- Yeah!

258
00:14:02,460 --> 00:14:05,619
Then we were, like, sleeping in the
back of a van for three years.

259
00:14:05,620 --> 00:14:08,619
Tssh.

260
00:14:08,620 --> 00:14:10,179
Ohh.

261
00:14:10,180 --> 00:14:14,180
What if this whole university thing's
just another pointless dream?

262
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:17,139
Oh, come on.

263
00:14:17,140 --> 00:14:21,140
Come on.

264
00:14:43,660 --> 00:14:46,499
All I'm saying is, there's no
boundaries any more.

265
00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:50,459
We're in a post-genre landscape.
It's fucking anarchy.

266
00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:52,299
And I'm just watching it all
play out

267
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:56,300
with Forever Changes by
Love on heavy rotation.

268
00:14:56,740 --> 00:15:00,019
OK, then, peeps. Let's kick things
off with the first question.

269
00:15:00,020 --> 00:15:04,020
Er, Kingsley, how would you describe
your work ethic?

270
00:15:24,020 --> 00:15:26,659
So, what's with this Jobbo
thing, then?

271
00:15:26,660 --> 00:15:30,619
You just imagined a new
personality out of thin air?

272
00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:33,659
- Yeah, why not?
- Where'd you get your, er, inspiration?

273
00:15:33,660 --> 00:15:35,179
Oh, where'd you get your lipstick?

274
00:15:35,180 --> 00:15:39,180
- I got it from a really crazy little
shop you've never even heard of.
- Oh.

275
00:15:40,220 --> 00:15:43,419
What can I say?
When God made Jobbo,

276
00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:46,939
- he broke the mould.
- Hi, guys.

277
00:15:46,940 --> 00:15:50,739
Right, some more info.

278
00:15:50,740 --> 00:15:54,740
All right, there we are.

279
00:16:03,820 --> 00:16:07,019
First of all, let me say how
impressed we are with your CV.

280
00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:09,939
And from what your brother's told
me, I think you're exactly the kind

281
00:16:09,940 --> 00:16:12,299
of chap we're looking for here at
Frome & Harrington.

282
00:16:12,300 --> 00:16:14,859
I'm just gonna run you through a
couple of simple questions.

283
00:16:14,860 --> 00:16:18,860
I'm sure it's nothing you can't
handle.

284
00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:22,939
What do you feel you'd bring to the
role of wealth manager's assistant?

285
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:26,299
Mm.

286
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:29,379
I'd probably bring...

287
00:16:29,380 --> 00:16:31,499
...cheese sandwiches.

288
00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:33,419
- I'm sorry?
- And a little flask of tea.

289
00:16:33,420 --> 00:16:37,299
You know, one of those ones with the
little... detachable cup on top.

290
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:40,619
I meant qualities you'd bring that
make you suitable for the role.

291
00:16:40,620 --> 00:16:44,620
OK. First up...

292
00:16:44,860 --> 00:16:47,299
...I've got a great sense of humour.

293
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:48,939
No? Um... Sure.

294
00:16:48,940 --> 00:16:51,259
I can see you're looking at me,
thinking,

295
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:54,939
"Jonathan, wouldn't it, for example,
be better to mention something like

296
00:16:54,940 --> 00:16:57,139
maths at this point?"

297
00:16:57,140 --> 00:17:00,259
But, actually, I'd be up for any
kind of evil shit

298
00:17:00,260 --> 00:17:02,099
you want me to undertake.

299
00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:03,819
Er, gambling with people's pensions,

300
00:17:03,820 --> 00:17:05,699
lying about investments,

301
00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:07,179
hiding Nazi gold.

302
00:17:07,180 --> 00:17:08,819
Sign me up.

303
00:17:08,820 --> 00:17:10,539
I just wanna get my Christmas bonus.

304
00:17:10,540 --> 00:17:14,540
And I will do literally anything
to get it.

305
00:17:15,820 --> 00:17:18,619
So, yeah, I guess you could
put that down as a quality.

306
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:20,099
I dunno what you'd call that.

307
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:21,739
Grasping?

308
00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:23,659
Greedy?

309
00:17:23,660 --> 00:17:26,339
Ruthless?

310
00:17:26,340 --> 00:17:28,699
- Amoral.
- Yes, Jonathan,
that's not quite what I meant.

311
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:30,539
- Look...
- Oh!

312
00:17:30,540 --> 00:17:33,859
I don't care about the old
people or the poor people,

313
00:17:33,860 --> 00:17:37,819
any kind of people, except our
people.

314
00:17:37,820 --> 00:17:39,219
Hm?

315
00:17:39,220 --> 00:17:43,220
Now, that is what makes me right
for this job.

316
00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:51,859
Shall I take your plate?

317
00:17:51,860 --> 00:17:54,579
Time for washing-up duty.

318
00:17:54,580 --> 00:17:57,539
OK, that's it. I can't take any
more.

319
00:17:57,540 --> 00:18:00,139
Tell me what's going on here,
please, Vod.

320
00:18:00,140 --> 00:18:03,539
- What d'you mean?
- I mean...

321
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:06,739
you have to have a trick
up your sleeve, right?

322
00:18:06,740 --> 00:18:09,579
Like, um... Like we're gonna steal
all the drugs.

323
00:18:09,580 --> 00:18:12,699
Or a really hot guy's gonna turn up
who we all wanna have sex with,

324
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:15,939
who maybe we will all have sex with,
cos it's just that kind of vibe.

325
00:18:15,940 --> 00:18:17,739
I'm not sure I follow.

326
00:18:17,740 --> 00:18:19,579
I'm talking about this place

327
00:18:19,580 --> 00:18:22,859
and how you've gotta have some sort
of ulterior motive for being here.

328
00:18:22,860 --> 00:18:25,539
Because it can't be over a
desire to do washing-up duty

329
00:18:25,540 --> 00:18:27,539
or read a big book of rules,
can it, Vod?

330
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:30,019
- Shh.
- This isn't you.

331
00:18:30,020 --> 00:18:33,339
Yeah, well, maybe you don't know me
as well as you thought.

332
00:18:33,340 --> 00:18:36,139
Sorry, no smoking in the main hall.

333
00:18:36,140 --> 00:18:39,659
Yeah, not so much anarchist commune
as, er, nanny state, eh, Paz?

334
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,339
Listen, Jobbo.

335
00:18:42,340 --> 00:18:44,979
I've gotta live with these
people, OK?

336
00:18:44,980 --> 00:18:46,819
So, try not to piss 'em off.

337
00:18:46,820 --> 00:18:50,139
What d'you mean, live with them?

338
00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:52,579
You are coming back to
Manchester, aren't you, Vod?

339
00:18:52,580 --> 00:18:55,219
OK, fine, look, I didn't wanna make
a big fuss about it,

340
00:18:55,220 --> 00:18:57,979
but I might be moving here.

341
00:18:57,980 --> 00:18:59,739
- When?
- Now.

342
00:18:59,740 --> 00:19:03,099
You can't just drop out right before
your exams. That's madness.

343
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:07,100
Why d'you care, Jobbo?

344
00:19:09,020 --> 00:19:12,219
OK, guys, if I call your name,
you're through to the next round.

345
00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:14,419
If I don't call your name,
thanks so much for coming,

346
00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:18,139
you haven't made it this time, but there
is feedback available over by Simeon.

347
00:19:18,140 --> 00:19:21,099
OK? So...

348
00:19:21,100 --> 00:19:23,979
- Juniper.
- Yes!

349
00:19:23,980 --> 00:19:27,139
Frankie.

350
00:19:27,140 --> 00:19:30,219
Hannah.

351
00:19:30,220 --> 00:19:32,019
And Asif.

352
00:19:32,020 --> 00:19:36,020
Yeah! Thank you.

353
00:19:37,460 --> 00:19:41,460
Everyone else, thanks for your time
and all the best for the future.

354
00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:43,699
OK, let's crack on with round two.

355
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:47,700
Oh, and don't forget your feedback.

356
00:19:49,060 --> 00:19:50,899
Feedback.

357
00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:52,539
Some feedback. Oh!

358
00:19:52,540 --> 00:19:54,419
Feedback, yeah.

359
00:19:54,420 --> 00:19:55,979
Thanks.

360
00:19:55,980 --> 00:19:58,779
Because what I need in the wake of
this all-crushing

361
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:01,939
and, frankly, heartbreaking failure is
a big list of what's wrong with me.

362
00:20:01,940 --> 00:20:04,459
Yes, please, BBC 6 Music.
While you're at it,

363
00:20:04,460 --> 00:20:08,379
why don't you cut my throat and ask
if I mind if you stamp on my head?

364
00:20:08,380 --> 00:20:10,419
Your moustache is horrid,
by the way.

365
00:20:10,420 --> 00:20:11,899
There's my "feedback" for you.

366
00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:13,819
How do you like it?

367
00:20:13,820 --> 00:20:15,593
Feedback's optional.

368
00:20:15,595 --> 00:20:17,351
Thanks. Thank you.

369
00:20:20,350 --> 00:20:23,109
- To freedom.
- Yeah.

370
00:20:23,110 --> 00:20:26,389
Except I don't wanna be free. I
wanna be an intern at BBC 6 Music.

371
00:20:26,390 --> 00:20:28,709
And instead, I get fucking feedback.

372
00:20:28,710 --> 00:20:32,149
Knutsford, I think you're taking
this all too much to heart.

373
00:20:32,150 --> 00:20:33,549
What did the feedback say?

374
00:20:33,550 --> 00:20:36,909
- I don't know, I didn't take it.
- You didn't take it?

375
00:20:36,910 --> 00:20:39,869
When someone rejects you, the last
thing you want is a list of reasons.

376
00:20:39,870 --> 00:20:42,789
I just thought it might be
useful for next time.

377
00:20:42,790 --> 00:20:44,869
If you get another interview.

378
00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:48,870
- Where the fuck is Howard?
- I textedhim and
told him to meet us here.

379
00:20:49,230 --> 00:20:52,109
- I'll text him again.
- I should've taken the feedback.

380
00:20:52,110 --> 00:20:54,669
- I should've read
what they had to say...

381
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,109
...so I could be better next time.

382
00:20:56,110 --> 00:20:58,269
Oh, shit!

383
00:20:58,270 --> 00:21:02,270
Oh, shit. Howard's phone.

384
00:21:02,710 --> 00:21:05,069
Thanks to the invention
of the hand-held device,

385
00:21:05,070 --> 00:21:08,749
I don't have one useful telephone
number memorised.

386
00:21:08,750 --> 00:21:10,829
And all I can think to do
is call the operator

387
00:21:10,830 --> 00:21:13,789
and speak to John at Ordnance
Survey, ask for his help, but...

388
00:21:13,790 --> 00:21:17,229
how can I admit to the man at
Ordnance Survey that I'm lost?

389
00:21:17,230 --> 00:21:18,829
I mean, look at me.

390
00:21:18,830 --> 00:21:22,830
First morning in the capital
and I'm already destitute.

391
00:21:24,390 --> 00:21:28,389
Rita, this may sound strange, but...

392
00:21:28,390 --> 00:21:32,029
can you spare me some change?

393
00:21:32,030 --> 00:21:34,749
You came all the way to London just
to commit interview suicide?

394
00:21:34,750 --> 00:21:35,989
Fuck Tomothy.

395
00:21:35,990 --> 00:21:38,069
I went and did his stupid little
interview

396
00:21:38,070 --> 00:21:40,429
and now he needs to let go of
my balls.

397
00:21:40,430 --> 00:21:44,069
And if he doesn't let go of my balls,
I'm gonna tell him to suck on my balls.

398
00:21:44,070 --> 00:21:46,549
I did his stupid interview.

399
00:21:46,550 --> 00:21:49,349
He didn't say how well I had
to do it.

400
00:21:49,350 --> 00:21:53,069
I'm my own man. I will not be
dictated to by my brother.

401
00:21:53,070 --> 00:21:55,429
- I shall do as I wish.
- Like what?

402
00:21:55,430 --> 00:21:58,389
- Dunno. Something amazing.
- For example?

403
00:21:58,390 --> 00:22:01,549
For example, think of something
amazing to do and then do it...

404
00:22:01,550 --> 00:22:02,949
amazingly.

405
00:22:02,950 --> 00:22:05,109
You're not worried? At all?

406
00:22:05,110 --> 00:22:08,349
I'm not worried.
Why would I be worried?

407
00:22:08,350 --> 00:22:11,309
And even if I was worried, I wouldn't
allow myself to feel worried,

408
00:22:11,310 --> 00:22:14,909
because feelings of weakness only
make other people uncomfortable.

409
00:22:14,910 --> 00:22:17,149
If one boy cries, we all want to
cry.

410
00:22:17,150 --> 00:22:19,789
And since we all want to cry,
but we also don't want to cry,

411
00:22:19,790 --> 00:22:23,589
we need to beat the boy who's crying
to stop him from crying.

412
00:22:23,590 --> 00:22:25,829
- You see?
- Oh.

413
00:22:25,830 --> 00:22:29,830
Oh, shit. Tomothy.

414
00:22:29,870 --> 00:22:32,069
Shit.

415
00:22:32,070 --> 00:22:34,109
Jonathan, it's your brother.

416
00:22:34,110 --> 00:22:37,989
I've just had a phone call from Magda. She
told me what you did, you little shit.

417
00:22:37,990 --> 00:22:40,269
D'you really think you're gonna get
away with this?

418
00:22:40,270 --> 00:22:42,909
Isn't this when you get out there
and tell him to suck your...?

419
00:22:42,910 --> 00:22:44,189
Shh.

420
00:22:44,190 --> 00:22:45,909
Daddy's turning in his grave, JP.

421
00:22:45,910 --> 00:22:48,469
Squirming in his fucking grave.

422
00:22:48,470 --> 00:22:52,469
If he wasn't already dead,
he'd probably die of shame.

423
00:22:52,470 --> 00:22:56,470
Just call me back straightaway,
or I'm calling Mummy.

424
00:22:59,190 --> 00:23:01,909
Paz tells me you're joining us.

425
00:23:01,910 --> 00:23:03,069
Yeah.

426
00:23:03,070 --> 00:23:06,029
Need to get away for a while,
go off-grid for a bit.

427
00:23:06,030 --> 00:23:07,629
Yeah.

428
00:23:07,630 --> 00:23:09,429
I know what you mean.

429
00:23:09,430 --> 00:23:12,829
Best decision I ever made,
escaping all that shit.

430
00:23:12,830 --> 00:23:16,149
- Job? Mortgage?
- You just don't need it.

431
00:23:16,150 --> 00:23:17,989
Wife? Two kids?

432
00:23:17,990 --> 00:23:20,509
Had the lot.

433
00:23:20,510 --> 00:23:22,669
It weighs on you.

434
00:23:22,670 --> 00:23:25,269
You know, that kind of baggage.

435
00:23:25,270 --> 00:23:26,629
Out here,

436
00:23:26,630 --> 00:23:29,469
no way they can track me down.

437
00:23:29,470 --> 00:23:33,470
Haven't even got a phone.
It's brilliant.

438
00:23:47,270 --> 00:23:49,709
Hello, Ordnance Survey, John
speaking. How can I help?

439
00:23:49,710 --> 00:23:52,429
Hi, John, it's Howard here.

440
00:23:52,430 --> 00:23:54,509
- I'm sorry?
- Howard McGregor.

441
00:23:54,510 --> 00:23:57,309
We've been exchanging e-mails about
my potential application

442
00:23:57,310 --> 00:23:58,789
for a job at your company.

443
00:23:58,790 --> 00:24:00,309
Howard, of course. How can I help?

444
00:24:00,310 --> 00:24:04,310
I'm in London with no phone,
no money, no access to GPS,

445
00:24:05,550 --> 00:24:09,550
and my only piece of navigational
equipment is the old-fashioned compass.

446
00:24:10,390 --> 00:24:13,869
I was wondering if you might be able
to help me.

447
00:24:13,870 --> 00:24:17,870
Go on.

448
00:24:31,350 --> 00:24:33,389
Oh...

449
00:24:33,390 --> 00:24:36,509
Sorry, I changed my mind.
I want my feedback.

450
00:24:36,510 --> 00:24:39,389
At the time, I didn't wanna
know my faults, but now I do.

451
00:24:39,390 --> 00:24:42,949
I mean, I already know one of my faults
was not wanting to know my faults.

452
00:24:42,950 --> 00:24:46,549
- But... I'm ready now.
- You were at the workshop?

453
00:24:46,550 --> 00:24:48,109
- That's right.
- Yeah, I'm sorry,

454
00:24:48,110 --> 00:24:50,309
I think we put all the
unwanted feedback in the bin.

455
00:24:50,310 --> 00:24:52,069
- Oh.
- What was your name again?

456
00:24:52,070 --> 00:24:54,269
Er, Kingsley Owen.
Could you just maybe...

457
00:24:54,270 --> 00:24:55,949
maybe just tell me what it was

458
00:24:55,950 --> 00:24:59,869
so I can be better next time?
- Right, Kingsley.

459
00:24:59,870 --> 00:25:01,989
Yeah, what did we say about you?

460
00:25:01,990 --> 00:25:03,709
Er...

461
00:25:03,710 --> 00:25:05,749
Ooh, was it, maybe, um...

462
00:25:05,750 --> 00:25:07,549
Some of my opinions were half-baked?

463
00:25:07,550 --> 00:25:09,309
- Er...
- Did you find me pretentious?

464
00:25:09,310 --> 00:25:11,509
Or annoying? My personality can be
grating?

465
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:14,029
- Well...
- I'm inauthentic, maybe?

466
00:25:14,030 --> 00:25:18,030
I'm boring? Um... Oh, no, wait.
Um, I'm a people-pleaser.

467
00:25:20,830 --> 00:25:22,029
I'm indecisive?

468
00:25:22,030 --> 00:25:25,309
- Sorry, were you in today or yesterday?
- Um...

469
00:25:25,310 --> 00:25:27,589
Well, today.
It was... It was... It was today.

470
00:25:27,590 --> 00:25:30,989
Right, it's just we've been running these
workshops all week, I'm ever so sorry.

471
00:25:30,990 --> 00:25:34,269
Um...

472
00:25:34,270 --> 00:25:37,589
I'm the guy who listens to I'm Ready by
Royal Trux when he gets fucked up on Jack,

473
00:25:37,590 --> 00:25:39,349
but then...
- Right, yes!

474
00:25:39,350 --> 00:25:41,069
Now I remember, yeah.

475
00:25:41,070 --> 00:25:45,029
Yeah, I asked what music you liked and...
you were talking for about half an hour

476
00:25:45,030 --> 00:25:47,629
and I couldn't really work out
what your answer was.

477
00:25:47,630 --> 00:25:50,109
It was all, like, "Oh, I don't
really believe in genres."

478
00:25:50,110 --> 00:25:52,629
But, you know, all I wanted to
know was...

479
00:25:52,630 --> 00:25:56,630
D'you like U2 or do you not?

480
00:25:58,550 --> 00:26:02,550
I'm sorry, I don't really understand
the question.

481
00:26:04,790 --> 00:26:08,790
Cut golf, cut fencing, cut fucking
Juggle Soc, OK, Nas, I don't care.

482
00:26:08,910 --> 00:26:12,910
Just do it.

483
00:26:13,110 --> 00:26:16,269
You know the radio waves from that thing
are being absorbed by your brain?

484
00:26:16,270 --> 00:26:18,589
It's OK, I don't mind.

485
00:26:18,590 --> 00:26:20,109
Is that...?

486
00:26:20,110 --> 00:26:22,029
- Are you doing your poetry?
- Yeah.

487
00:26:22,030 --> 00:26:25,509
You can write better poems in the sand
than in any of your fucking books.

488
00:26:25,510 --> 00:26:28,749
I've written over 1,000 poems
in the sand.

489
00:26:28,750 --> 00:26:31,749
I've written a whole
screenplay in the sand.

490
00:26:31,750 --> 00:26:35,750
- Awesome.
- And once they're finished...

491
00:26:36,950 --> 00:26:38,669
...no-one will ever read them.

492
00:26:38,670 --> 00:26:41,869
- Right, and that's good, is it?
- Right, so, are we ready to begin?

493
00:26:41,870 --> 00:26:42,949
Yes.

494
00:26:42,950 --> 00:26:44,869
In the words of Shirley
Bassey, Pink

495
00:26:44,870 --> 00:26:47,629
and Welsh hero Rhydian
Roberts from The X Factor,

496
00:26:47,630 --> 00:26:50,269
- let's get this party started.
- Wait.

497
00:26:50,270 --> 00:26:54,270
Before you drink,
you must cleanse the space.

498
00:26:54,430 --> 00:26:56,189
Speak your truth.

499
00:26:56,190 --> 00:26:59,909
If you don't, you can have a very,
very bad trip.

500
00:26:59,910 --> 00:27:03,910
I once hallucinated 1,000 Jabba the
Hutts crawling out of my eye sockets

501
00:27:04,790 --> 00:27:07,509
and ejaculating onto my breasts.

502
00:27:07,510 --> 00:27:09,069
Yeah?

503
00:27:09,070 --> 00:27:13,070
So, unless you want that, get any
little grudges, any secrets,

504
00:27:13,430 --> 00:27:15,269
out in the open.

505
00:27:15,270 --> 00:27:19,270
Cos once you drink this stuff, it is
all coming out, one way or another.

506
00:27:20,350 --> 00:27:21,869
Ring this bell when you're ready.

507
00:27:21,870 --> 00:27:25,870
I'll come and pour the eraldaketa.

508
00:27:28,030 --> 00:27:29,589
Yeah.

509
00:27:29,590 --> 00:27:31,949
Mm-hm.

510
00:27:31,950 --> 00:27:35,189
Mm-hm. Yes, thank you.

511
00:27:35,190 --> 00:27:36,549
Howard...

512
00:27:36,550 --> 00:27:38,829
Anyone who can find their
way to HQ

513
00:27:38,830 --> 00:27:41,149
using nothing more
than latitudinal coordinates

514
00:27:41,150 --> 00:27:42,989
and an old-fashioned compass

515
00:27:42,990 --> 00:27:46,990
might be just the kind of candidate we're
looking for here at Ordnance Survey.

516
00:27:47,150 --> 00:27:50,749
And especially one with such great
taste in knitwear.

517
00:27:50,750 --> 00:27:54,750
Well, now you've got me, are there
any questions you'd like to ask me?

518
00:27:55,750 --> 00:27:57,269
Well...

519
00:27:57,270 --> 00:27:58,709
actually,

520
00:27:58,710 --> 00:28:02,710
I wanted to ask if you could see
your way to lend me?29 in cash?

521
00:28:04,670 --> 00:28:05,909
You what?

522
00:28:05,910 --> 00:28:09,269
That is the peak-time fare
from London to Manchester,

523
00:28:09,270 --> 00:28:12,429
without which, unless I manage to
meet up with my friends,

524
00:28:12,430 --> 00:28:14,109
I won't be able to make it home.

525
00:28:14,110 --> 00:28:18,110
I would, of course, repay you.

526
00:28:18,950 --> 00:28:21,429
Perhaps...

527
00:28:21,430 --> 00:28:25,430
...at my interview.

528
00:28:25,830 --> 00:28:29,029
And, yes, I should have checked
what murderball was,

529
00:28:29,030 --> 00:28:31,149
but I've been really busy

530
00:28:31,150 --> 00:28:35,150
with Fulbright and my dissertation
and the Shawcross.

531
00:28:35,510 --> 00:28:37,749
And what have I learned?

532
00:28:37,750 --> 00:28:39,589
That I can't trust my staff.

533
00:28:39,590 --> 00:28:43,590
And I guess I'm also feeling really bad
because I haven't read any good poems

534
00:28:45,190 --> 00:28:49,190
and I need to find one to send
to Jeanette Winterson.

535
00:28:49,390 --> 00:28:53,390
But I'll get round to it
after we've finished this.

536
00:28:53,550 --> 00:28:57,069
Er, OK, I think I'm done.

537
00:28:57,070 --> 00:28:59,029
Jobbo?

538
00:28:59,030 --> 00:29:00,749
You got something?

539
00:29:00,750 --> 00:29:04,149
OK, so, um...

540
00:29:04,150 --> 00:29:06,909
I was hoping to find a better
time to talk about this,

541
00:29:06,910 --> 00:29:10,909
but I think I need to say it now because
I'm quite afraid of having a bad trip.

542
00:29:10,910 --> 00:29:14,910
Yeah, no big deal, but I...
woke up yesterday morning

543
00:29:16,150 --> 00:29:20,150
and it turns out
that I had had sex with JP.

544
00:29:21,590 --> 00:29:24,909
Again.

545
00:29:24,910 --> 00:29:27,149
You...

546
00:29:27,150 --> 00:29:29,149
We've actually, um...

547
00:29:29,150 --> 00:29:32,909
done it quite a few times
recently, regularly.

548
00:29:32,910 --> 00:29:36,910
So... yeah.

549
00:29:39,110 --> 00:29:40,549
OK.

550
00:29:40,550 --> 00:29:44,269
There's no need to look at me like that,
all right, Mrs Judge and Mrs Judgey.

551
00:29:44,270 --> 00:29:47,669
OK? I'm not going out with
him. It's just sex.

552
00:29:47,670 --> 00:29:50,349
Jobbo is very much like Vod
in that respect.

553
00:29:50,350 --> 00:29:53,429
I just use men and I dump 'em
when I'm through with 'em.

554
00:29:53,430 --> 00:29:54,909
How's that like me?

555
00:29:54,910 --> 00:29:56,429
You know what I mean.

556
00:29:56,430 --> 00:29:58,989
I don't give a shit
about anyone else's feelings.

557
00:29:58,990 --> 00:30:02,990
I just chuck people away whenever
I decide to move on.

558
00:30:03,270 --> 00:30:05,309
OK.

559
00:30:05,310 --> 00:30:08,429
Er... Oh, I've got one.

560
00:30:08,430 --> 00:30:10,389
- I fucked JP.
- What?!

561
00:30:10,390 --> 00:30:12,789
- Really?
- Yeah.

562
00:30:12,790 --> 00:30:14,469
No.

563
00:30:14,470 --> 00:30:15,949
Or was it the other one?

564
00:30:15,950 --> 00:30:17,589
Maybe it was another house.

565
00:30:17,590 --> 00:30:20,389
When we all went to Liverpool
on that night.

566
00:30:20,390 --> 00:30:22,629
- We've never been to Liverpool.
- Oh, yeah.

567
00:30:22,630 --> 00:30:25,149
No, I didn't wanna fuck JP.

568
00:30:25,150 --> 00:30:26,469
So, I didn't.

569
00:30:26,470 --> 00:30:28,629
Right, take this seriously.

570
00:30:28,630 --> 00:30:30,469
We're meant to be speaking
our truth.

571
00:30:30,470 --> 00:30:32,669
All right. Here's one.

572
00:30:32,670 --> 00:30:34,909
I don't like Jobbo.

573
00:30:34,910 --> 00:30:37,709
- I think Jobbo's a wanker.
- What?!

574
00:30:37,710 --> 00:30:41,429
How can you not like Jobbo when
she's so clearly based on you?

575
00:30:41,430 --> 00:30:43,789
I knew it.

576
00:30:43,790 --> 00:30:46,949
- How is Jobbo like me?
- I'm just cruising through life,

577
00:30:46,950 --> 00:30:50,029
never facing up to any of the
consequences of my actions.

578
00:30:50,030 --> 00:30:51,629
I'm so fucking cool, it hurts.

579
00:30:51,630 --> 00:30:53,789
Well, no, you're not.
And neither am I.

580
00:30:53,790 --> 00:30:56,349
- Yes, you are.
- Am I like that, Oregon?

581
00:30:56,350 --> 00:30:59,469
- No.
- Vod, you've nearly finished uni

582
00:30:59,470 --> 00:31:01,709
and you're about to fuck off
and live on some commune.

583
00:31:01,710 --> 00:31:04,549
- You're doing what?
- Yeah, she's planning to move here.

584
00:31:04,550 --> 00:31:06,309
At least I'm not shagging JP.

585
00:31:06,310 --> 00:31:08,349
I can't believe
you're planning to move here.

586
00:31:08,350 --> 00:31:09,829
I knew you were judging me.

587
00:31:09,830 --> 00:31:12,269
How dare you,
after everything you've done?

588
00:31:12,270 --> 00:31:13,789
OK, yes,

589
00:31:13,790 --> 00:31:15,709
it's disgusting.

590
00:31:15,710 --> 00:31:18,309
Yes, it's not very fair on
Kingsley.

591
00:31:18,310 --> 00:31:20,829
Yes, it's sneaky to do it
behind my friends' backs.

592
00:31:20,830 --> 00:31:24,830
But maybe, if my friends weren't being
such fucking self-important twats,

593
00:31:25,230 --> 00:31:27,709
then maybe I wouldn't have
done it in the first place.

594
00:31:27,710 --> 00:31:30,549
"Oh, oh, we're third years,
we're so important."

595
00:31:30,550 --> 00:31:34,269
"Oh, no, I can't come for a pint
with you, Josie. I'm union president."

596
00:31:34,270 --> 00:31:37,709
"Oh, no, I can't. I've gotta write
my dissertation."

597
00:31:37,710 --> 00:31:41,589
"We don't care about Josie and her
stupid, second year, immature

598
00:31:41,590 --> 00:31:45,189
"wanting to hang out
and do fun stuff bullshit."

599
00:31:45,190 --> 00:31:49,190
So, now she's lonely
and she's accidentally

600
00:31:49,230 --> 00:31:51,829
had quite a lot of sex with JP.

601
00:31:51,830 --> 00:31:53,749
But that could happen to anyone.

602
00:31:53,750 --> 00:31:55,789
One time you asked me
to go for a pint with you

603
00:31:55,790 --> 00:31:57,589
because you said everybody
else was busy.

604
00:31:57,590 --> 00:31:59,149
Which proves my point.

605
00:31:59,150 --> 00:32:01,069
Do you think I've had a pint
with Oregon?

606
00:32:01,070 --> 00:32:03,669
If I wanna see Oregon, I have to
make a fucking appointment.

607
00:32:03,670 --> 00:32:05,429
You don't have to make
an appointment.

608
00:32:05,430 --> 00:32:07,629
OK, so you've got time
to go for a pint with Oregon...

609
00:32:07,630 --> 00:32:09,309
Oregon is my best mate, Josie.

610
00:32:09,310 --> 00:32:10,589
And I hardly see her any more.

611
00:32:10,590 --> 00:32:12,389
Oh, my God. This is so unfair.

612
00:32:12,390 --> 00:32:15,909
I'm applying to be a Fulbright
scholar. I'm union president.

613
00:32:15,910 --> 00:32:17,989
"I'm union president."

614
00:32:17,990 --> 00:32:19,709
Oh, fuck you.

615
00:32:19,710 --> 00:32:21,029
You're both selfish,

616
00:32:21,030 --> 00:32:22,589
you're both self-centred,

617
00:32:22,590 --> 00:32:26,469
and I'm shagging JP
and you're both responsible.

618
00:32:26,470 --> 00:32:29,309
You are really fucking me off
now, Josie.

619
00:32:29,310 --> 00:32:33,109
Yeah, well, if you cared about any of us,
Vod, then you'd come back to Manchester,

620
00:32:33,110 --> 00:32:35,589
like a proper friend,
and you'd finish uni.

621
00:32:35,590 --> 00:32:38,349
But, no, you don't give a shit,
so you're just dropping out.

622
00:32:38,350 --> 00:32:41,189
You wanna shut your fucking mouth
right now before I lose my temper.

623
00:32:41,190 --> 00:32:43,509
D'you think Jobbo's scared of
you? Because she's not.

624
00:32:43,510 --> 00:32:46,589
- Maybe she should be.
- Maybe she's not.

625
00:32:46,590 --> 00:32:50,229
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to. I'm really...

626
00:32:50,230 --> 00:32:52,829
- Stop it!
- I'm gonna kill you!

627
00:32:52,830 --> 00:32:55,749
Josie, stop it. Ah!

628
00:32:55,750 --> 00:32:57,909
Ow!

629
00:32:57,910 --> 00:33:01,910
Rrrgh!

630
00:33:04,070 --> 00:33:07,149
You know, I worked really hard to
get to Manchester, Josie.

631
00:33:07,150 --> 00:33:10,989
I worked my factory job in the day
and did an access course at night,

632
00:33:10,990 --> 00:33:14,990
and lived on fucking beans so I
could afford our rent near college.

633
00:33:15,190 --> 00:33:16,709
And now I'm about...

634
00:33:16,710 --> 00:33:18,469
£5 billion in debt.

635
00:33:18,470 --> 00:33:19,949
And guess what?

636
00:33:19,950 --> 00:33:22,709
I don't have Mummy and Daddy to come
and bail me out. I'm on my own.

637
00:33:22,710 --> 00:33:25,989
So, I might have fucked about
a bit these past three years,

638
00:33:25,990 --> 00:33:29,990
but if you think that means I don't
give a shit then you don't know me.

639
00:33:30,790 --> 00:33:34,790
Here's your fucking truth.

640
00:33:36,430 --> 00:33:37,709
What are we gonna do?

641
00:33:37,710 --> 00:33:40,949
We can't just hang around London on
the off-chance that we bump into him.

642
00:33:40,950 --> 00:33:44,189
I knew we should have put a tag on him.
"Please look after this Howard."

643
00:33:44,190 --> 00:33:47,349
- We've gotta get on the coach.
- Yeah.

644
00:33:47,350 --> 00:33:51,350
Just hope he finds his way back,
like a big, bearded homing pigeon.

645
00:33:52,910 --> 00:33:54,869
Wait.

646
00:33:54,870 --> 00:33:58,269
Look.

647
00:33:58,270 --> 00:34:02,270
Howard!

648
00:34:02,830 --> 00:34:04,309
We've found you.

649
00:34:04,310 --> 00:34:06,229
The next time we go on a trip

650
00:34:06,230 --> 00:34:09,989
and I propose arranging a safe meeting
point in case of nuclear attack,

651
00:34:09,990 --> 00:34:13,990
- I suggest you take me seriously.
- Oh, fuck it.

652
00:34:15,110 --> 00:34:19,110
Thank God you're safe.

653
00:34:21,270 --> 00:34:23,909
It's not that bad, you know.

654
00:34:23,910 --> 00:34:26,589
A solid 2:2. Borderline 2:1.

655
00:34:26,590 --> 00:34:28,029
A 2:1?

656
00:34:28,030 --> 00:34:29,909
It's not actually that hard to
get a 2:1.

657
00:34:29,910 --> 00:34:32,189
You basically just have to
hand stuff in.

658
00:34:32,190 --> 00:34:35,309
I don't want a 2:1. I want a first.

659
00:34:35,310 --> 00:34:36,829
Do you?

660
00:34:36,830 --> 00:34:38,549
Yeah.

661
00:34:38,550 --> 00:34:40,949
I've always wanted a first.

662
00:34:40,950 --> 00:34:44,950
Just something about a first just
appeals to me more than a 2:1.

663
00:34:46,390 --> 00:34:48,229
Know what I mean?

664
00:34:48,230 --> 00:34:50,389
Kind of.

665
00:34:50,390 --> 00:34:51,549
Let me get this straight.

666
00:34:51,550 --> 00:34:55,550
You either want a first
or you want to leave civilisation?

667
00:34:56,270 --> 00:35:00,270
Yeah.

668
00:35:00,510 --> 00:35:04,510
If we leave now, we can still make it
back in time for you to hand this in.

669
00:35:07,030 --> 00:35:11,030
Yeah, OK.

670
00:35:12,310 --> 00:35:16,310
I'm killing Jobbo!

671
00:35:27,870 --> 00:35:29,709
Just to check...

672
00:35:29,710 --> 00:35:32,589
Begging a future employer for
bus fare...

673
00:35:32,590 --> 00:35:36,590
Impressively nonchalant or
incredibly bad first impression?

674
00:35:42,430 --> 00:35:43,709
Mummy?

675
00:35:43,710 --> 00:35:45,269
'Have you spoken to Tomothy?'

676
00:35:45,270 --> 00:35:47,229
Tomothy? No, he hasn't called me.

677
00:35:47,230 --> 00:35:48,509
Why?

678
00:35:48,510 --> 00:35:50,509
'What the bloody hell
have you done?'

679
00:35:50,510 --> 00:35:52,749
Well, I don't know what he's talking
about, Mummy.

680
00:35:52,750 --> 00:35:56,029
"And so I said, 'Could I be dead

681
00:35:56,030 --> 00:35:58,269
"Or should I be in Maidenhead?"

682
00:35:58,270 --> 00:36:02,270
Shit.

683
00:36:03,150 --> 00:36:05,429
"Let me be alone till now

684
00:36:05,430 --> 00:36:07,469
- "I..."
- Shit.

685
00:36:07,470 --> 00:36:09,869
"Whose woods these are,
I think I know

686
00:36:09,870 --> 00:36:12,349
"His house is in the village,
though."

687
00:36:12,350 --> 00:36:14,549
Shit.

688
00:36:14,550 --> 00:36:16,829
- Shit.
- Shit.

689
00:36:16,830 --> 00:36:18,709
Shit.

690
00:36:18,710 --> 00:36:20,269
Shit!

691
00:36:20,270 --> 00:36:24,270
♪ ...No, I don't listen
to their wasted lines

692
00:36:24,550 --> 00:36:26,829
♪ Got my eyes wide open

693
00:36:26,830 --> 00:36:28,989
♪ And I see the signs

694
00:36:28,990 --> 00:36:32,990
♪ But they don't know about us

695
00:36:33,550 --> 00:36:37,550
♪ And they've never heard of love

696
00:36:37,990 --> 00:36:41,990
- ♪ Doo doo-doo-doo
- ♪ Why should it matter to us

697
00:36:42,070 --> 00:36:46,070
♪ If they don't approve?

698
00:36:46,350 --> 00:36:48,189
♪ Doo doo-doo-doo

699
00:36:48,190 --> 00:36:50,709
♪ We should just take our
chances

700
00:36:50,710 --> 00:36:52,990
♪ While we've got nothing to
lose... ♪