1 00:00:01,250 --> 00:00:04,054 You don't just disappear in your final term. 2 00:00:04,236 --> 00:00:06,111 What are you doing? 3 00:00:06,806 --> 00:00:08,604 I'm searching for clues. I think 4 00:00:08,606 --> 00:00:11,655 it's got to the point where we need to call someone about Howard. 5 00:00:11,657 --> 00:00:14,911 It's two days into term. And where is he? What if he's dead? 6 00:00:14,913 --> 00:00:17,109 He's probably just been held up at the border. 7 00:00:17,110 --> 00:00:19,229 Not allowed back in since they went independent? 8 00:00:19,230 --> 00:00:22,149 - Scotland didn't go independent, JP. - Yeah, I'm pretty sure they did. 9 00:00:22,150 --> 00:00:23,829 He's probably up in Aberdeen, 10 00:00:23,830 --> 00:00:27,069 sat on a Trident, bathing in the Queen's oil. 11 00:00:27,070 --> 00:00:29,029 Do you ever even watch the news? 12 00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:31,749 Kingsley, only maniac bore-holes watch the news 13 00:00:31,750 --> 00:00:34,549 when it's not the Olympics or a big war. 14 00:00:34,550 --> 00:00:35,749 HE SCOFFS 15 00:00:35,750 --> 00:00:39,750 With your pretentious imported cereals and your big, boring book. 16 00:00:40,070 --> 00:00:42,829 Infinite Jest's Notes And Errata are a greater contribution to 17 00:00:42,830 --> 00:00:45,869 literature than the entire oeuvre of your Joanne Kimberley Rowling. 18 00:00:45,870 --> 00:00:47,149 Fascinating. 19 00:00:47,150 --> 00:00:49,429 I mean, I, I think I... er, dropped off a little bit 20 00:00:49,430 --> 00:00:51,949 during the sentence, but otherwise, very interesting. 21 00:00:51,950 --> 00:00:53,789 OK, that's enough of the bullying now! 22 00:00:53,790 --> 00:00:56,829 Josie, you don't have to suck up to him any more. You're free. 23 00:00:56,830 --> 00:00:59,109 No more boring Italian films! 24 00:00:59,110 --> 00:01:02,429 I liked Italian film night. 25 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:06,430 Fellini is a modern master who... 26 00:01:06,550 --> 00:01:10,550 ...er, something, something, something, something. Right? 27 00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:15,669 Yeah. Look, JP. Right, at a certain point in your life, 28 00:01:15,670 --> 00:01:18,989 basically when you grow up, your differences stop being weaknesses. 29 00:01:18,990 --> 00:01:21,949 They become eccentricities. Foibles. 30 00:01:21,950 --> 00:01:25,869 "Oh, hello, is that Mr Foibleman? Yes, Michael Foibleman? 31 00:01:25,870 --> 00:01:28,829 "A man who eats American cornflakes because he thinks it makes him 32 00:01:28,830 --> 00:01:30,949 "more interesting." 33 00:01:30,950 --> 00:01:34,950 DOORBELL 34 00:01:35,070 --> 00:01:37,989 What kind of time is this for a doorbell? 35 00:01:37,990 --> 00:01:41,990 That is insane. 36 00:01:45,350 --> 00:01:49,350 Tomothy? Great to see you, bro, but, erm, no heads-up? 37 00:01:50,710 --> 00:01:52,989 Oh, sorry, man, yeah. 38 00:01:52,990 --> 00:01:55,749 You got a lecture you need to be at or some shit? 39 00:01:55,750 --> 00:01:59,109 - Er, no, actually I don't... - Oh, really - that's interesting. 40 00:01:59,110 --> 00:02:01,149 Because I checked the geology schedule online 41 00:02:01,150 --> 00:02:04,349 and you've got a crystallography lecture in about, er, no minutes. 42 00:02:04,350 --> 00:02:07,069 - Er, no, because... - Because? 43 00:02:07,070 --> 00:02:09,669 - Because it's can celled today. - Why? 44 00:02:09,670 --> 00:02:12,349 - Because of illness. - Whose? - The man. 45 00:02:12,350 --> 00:02:14,909 - The man. Professor Paterson? - Yes. - Who I just made up? 46 00:02:14,910 --> 00:02:16,749 No. Yes. I don't know. 47 00:02:16,750 --> 00:02:20,069 - You don't know? - No, I do. I don't. 48 00:02:20,070 --> 00:02:22,309 I'm lying, I can't keep up. 49 00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:24,909 Well, it's third year, buddy, finals! 50 00:02:24,910 --> 00:02:27,509 You need to sort yourself the fuck out, JP. 51 00:02:27,510 --> 00:02:31,510 And that's what I'm here, in this arctic climate, to do. 52 00:02:58,830 --> 00:03:01,309 - Oh, my God, Tomothy is here! - Tomothy is here? 53 00:03:01,310 --> 00:03:03,909 Tomothy is here. My bro. 54 00:03:03,910 --> 00:03:05,949 Mummy wanted Tom. Daddy wanted Timothy. 55 00:03:05,950 --> 00:03:08,789 - Tomothy. - Tomothy has a razor brain and an acid tongue. 56 00:03:08,790 --> 00:03:11,749 He is very fucking "wow". Just act normal. 57 00:03:11,750 --> 00:03:15,669 No, wait, act clever. Talk! About the euro and... Fuck! 58 00:03:15,670 --> 00:03:19,670 - JP, relax. - He's very organised. But he's also incredibly chilled. 59 00:03:20,070 --> 00:03:22,589 - He hates ditherers. He'll like you. - I don't give a fuck. 60 00:03:22,590 --> 00:03:24,709 That is just the kind of attitude Tomothy loves. 61 00:03:24,710 --> 00:03:28,710 - Yeah, well, I don't give a fuck. - But he hates fakes. 62 00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:31,269 Hey, Tomothy. 63 00:03:31,270 --> 00:03:33,629 Yo. Would you like a cup of tea or coffee? 64 00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,629 Hmm, yeah. What are you having? 65 00:03:35,630 --> 00:03:39,549 Er. What am I having? Tea. No, coffee. 66 00:03:39,550 --> 00:03:41,509 - No, tea. - Shit or get off the pot, dude! 67 00:03:41,510 --> 00:03:43,789 Tea. Teas all round! 68 00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:46,269 OK. Howard hasn't even touched his cheese. 69 00:03:46,270 --> 00:03:49,549 - Oh, I'll have it, I'm skint. - That's it, I'm calling round all the hospitals. 70 00:03:49,550 --> 00:03:52,429 He's not going to be dead because of a lack of cheese consumption. 71 00:03:52,430 --> 00:03:55,869 I mean, if anything, he's probably thriving on his incredibly low cholesterol. 72 00:03:55,870 --> 00:03:57,869 So, everything shipshape on HMS Hartnell? 73 00:03:57,870 --> 00:03:59,749 Everyone up-to-date with their rent? 74 00:03:59,750 --> 00:04:02,309 Uh, basically, yeah. I mean, it's hard to remember. 75 00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:04,789 It's not like I keep a big book all about the rent. 76 00:04:04,790 --> 00:04:06,429 You don't have a rent book? 77 00:04:06,430 --> 00:04:10,430 No, I do. I just... call it something different. 78 00:04:10,630 --> 00:04:13,669 It's a good job I'm looking over the incoming direct debits. 79 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,869 You can't be friends to your tenants, bro. 80 00:04:15,870 --> 00:04:18,389 You're a land-LORD not a land-MATE. 81 00:04:18,390 --> 00:04:20,709 You need to pull an Uncle Royston, get busy with 82 00:04:20,710 --> 00:04:23,389 the 12 bore, start randomly shooting up the grain stores. 83 00:04:23,390 --> 00:04:24,989 Spread a little fear. 84 00:04:24,990 --> 00:04:27,549 Because whoever Violet Nordstrom is, she is taking 85 00:04:27,550 --> 00:04:31,029 the piss like this is Nando's and she has unlimited piss refills. 86 00:04:31,030 --> 00:04:33,669 Er, I better go! Laterz, haterz. 87 00:04:33,670 --> 00:04:37,670 Bro, don't be horrible to Vod, be horrible to Kingsley. 88 00:04:37,750 --> 00:04:41,750 And who the fuck is Eskimo Joe? 89 00:04:43,630 --> 00:04:45,709 Oh, so when you eat it in tiny pieces, 90 00:04:45,710 --> 00:04:48,189 it's the oh-so-fashionable sushi? 91 00:04:48,190 --> 00:04:51,149 But a whole raw fish, that's unacceptable for some reason. 92 00:04:51,150 --> 00:04:53,909 Howard!? What the fuck? Where have you been? 93 00:04:53,910 --> 00:04:55,029 We've been worried. 94 00:04:55,030 --> 00:04:57,269 I've been right here, since the Christmas period. 95 00:04:57,270 --> 00:04:59,909 Thought I'd lessen the distractions from revision. I've been 96 00:04:59,910 --> 00:05:03,589 getting up at midnight and going to bed at 8am, in the cellar. 97 00:05:03,590 --> 00:05:06,789 And I am, copyright of the McDonald's Corporation, 98 00:05:06,790 --> 00:05:09,869 "lovin' it". 99 00:05:09,870 --> 00:05:11,189 We have a cellar? 100 00:05:11,190 --> 00:05:12,749 Now you tell me. 101 00:05:12,750 --> 00:05:16,629 And all this time I've been storing my wine in a rack like some... 102 00:05:16,630 --> 00:05:20,630 accountant! 103 00:05:30,590 --> 00:05:34,589 Oh, God, you've gone full serial killer. 104 00:05:34,590 --> 00:05:37,709 And there it is. My dream... 105 00:05:37,710 --> 00:05:39,589 my nightmare... 106 00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,309 my Killer. The Dominatrix. 107 00:05:42,310 --> 00:05:44,829 Is it...? 108 00:05:44,830 --> 00:05:47,309 Oh, it's just a revision timetable. 109 00:05:47,310 --> 00:05:49,229 HOWARD LAUGHS 110 00:05:49,230 --> 00:05:50,869 Yes, my simian friend, 111 00:05:50,870 --> 00:05:54,870 in the same way that Napoleon Bonaparte was a mere "soldier". 112 00:05:55,110 --> 00:05:57,989 Like the Ark of the Covenant is simply a box. Yes, this is 113 00:05:57,990 --> 00:06:00,309 "just a revision timetable". 114 00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:04,310 Hmm. This structure defines my every movement in 30 minute intervals 115 00:06:04,710 --> 00:06:07,069 between now and my final examination. 116 00:06:07,070 --> 00:06:10,189 All I must do is submit to its every demand, 117 00:06:10,190 --> 00:06:12,989 however unreasonable, 118 00:06:12,990 --> 00:06:16,029 and then a first class degree will be mine. 119 00:06:16,030 --> 00:06:20,030 And my dream job as data architect at Ordnance Survey. 120 00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:23,549 JP, tell you what, you need to get on it, like Moleman here. 121 00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,629 - No offence. - Some taken. - Ten more weeks. 122 00:06:25,630 --> 00:06:28,229 Easter, then lectures pack up, that's basically it. 123 00:06:28,230 --> 00:06:32,230 - The party's over. - No! It's... 124 00:06:34,150 --> 00:06:38,069 11 weeks and some days. 125 00:06:38,070 --> 00:06:41,149 Fuck! The fun's running out! 126 00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:43,629 Howard. Why, today, are you venturing upstairs? 127 00:06:43,630 --> 00:06:45,349 Well. Er, Vitamin D, 128 00:06:45,350 --> 00:06:49,350 fish oil, and today is the day that Candice returns from her 129 00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,989 - Erasmus term in France! - OK? 130 00:06:51,990 --> 00:06:54,509 And I will be decorating my room with the remains of flowers 131 00:06:54,510 --> 00:06:56,909 gathered from behind the local florist's! 132 00:06:56,910 --> 00:07:00,109 Nothing says love, according to the Western romantic canon, 133 00:07:00,110 --> 00:07:04,110 like decaying plant matter. 134 00:07:09,990 --> 00:07:11,829 Hi, Rosa! Sorry I'm late. 135 00:07:11,830 --> 00:07:15,830 - What is this? - Final year forum. 136 00:07:17,310 --> 00:07:19,189 Wow. A lot have come. 137 00:07:19,190 --> 00:07:21,309 Yes. There is a lot of anger. 138 00:07:21,310 --> 00:07:23,429 And they need to vent it on someone. 139 00:07:23,430 --> 00:07:25,069 Yeah, no, I get it. 140 00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:28,789 It's just... do they have to vent it on me? 141 00:07:28,790 --> 00:07:31,029 No, I mean, they probably do. 142 00:07:31,030 --> 00:07:35,030 OK. Showtime! 143 00:07:35,710 --> 00:07:39,710 GENERAL MURMURING 144 00:07:39,910 --> 00:07:43,909 So! Third years. January. Hello. 145 00:07:43,910 --> 00:07:47,910 Er, for many of you, these are your final months of education. 146 00:07:47,990 --> 00:07:51,990 You are at a crossroads. You are confused. Anxious. 147 00:07:53,030 --> 00:07:57,030 Now is the time to look to me, your president, to help you cope. 148 00:07:58,590 --> 00:08:02,590 For, like my fellow President Mandela - God bless you, Madiba - 149 00:08:03,230 --> 00:08:07,230 - I have written a book! 150 00:08:08,710 --> 00:08:10,149 Think of it as your Bible. 151 00:08:10,150 --> 00:08:12,669 But it's better than the Bible because it's got an index of 152 00:08:12,670 --> 00:08:16,629 sexual health clinics and registered media recruitment agencies. 153 00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:20,630 GENERAL MURMURING 154 00:08:22,910 --> 00:08:25,389 Ogs! Can we have a word? 155 00:08:25,390 --> 00:08:26,869 I'm going to take a word with her. 156 00:08:26,870 --> 00:08:29,749 Can you push the whole day back five, please? 157 00:08:29,750 --> 00:08:33,750 Yeah, so, look, er, thing is... I'm getting heat on the rent. 158 00:08:33,830 --> 00:08:36,509 And finals coming up. Bank's closed my account, 159 00:08:36,510 --> 00:08:40,510 so I'm going to need cash for Red Bull, protein shakes 160 00:08:40,750 --> 00:08:42,909 and guys in Korea to knock out my course work. 161 00:08:42,910 --> 00:08:45,709 I get it. You've come crawling back to me for help? 162 00:08:45,710 --> 00:08:47,509 Well, not exactly crawling, but... 163 00:08:47,510 --> 00:08:50,509 Vod, I'm the President, of course I can sort it out for you. 164 00:08:50,510 --> 00:08:53,429 Even if there isn't a job, I'll just make one up. Rosa? 165 00:08:53,430 --> 00:08:57,109 Has a president ever had a sort of - not really like a jester - 166 00:08:57,110 --> 00:08:59,229 but a sort of artist in residence? 167 00:08:59,230 --> 00:09:01,469 Like that area? Yeah? 168 00:09:01,470 --> 00:09:05,470 We can certainly look at it. 169 00:09:10,430 --> 00:09:13,829 Really? Well, that's one way of looking at it. 170 00:09:13,830 --> 00:09:17,029 I suppose the other way... 171 00:09:17,030 --> 00:09:20,709 Miss Shawcross. Miss Nordstrom. 172 00:09:20,710 --> 00:09:23,069 So pleased you could join us to share your, no doubt, 173 00:09:23,070 --> 00:09:25,109 ground-breaking thoughts on The Waste Land. 174 00:09:25,110 --> 00:09:29,110 Jeremy was just saying he thought it was a bit "short". 175 00:09:29,550 --> 00:09:32,669 Yeah, OK. Sorry to interrupt, erm, but I just wondered 176 00:09:32,670 --> 00:09:34,229 if I could just jump in? 177 00:09:34,230 --> 00:09:36,469 Because I've actually got a meeting with the Mayor, 178 00:09:36,470 --> 00:09:39,589 for a mayoral tree planting at 11, with the Mayor. 179 00:09:39,590 --> 00:09:41,549 Will the Mayor be there? 180 00:09:41,550 --> 00:09:43,309 Yeah, he will, actually. 181 00:09:43,310 --> 00:09:47,310 Er, then lunch with the MP for Didsbury before we open the new lab. 182 00:09:47,710 --> 00:09:50,709 So, if you don't mind, I'm just going to dive in with a brain dump, 183 00:09:50,710 --> 00:09:54,109 and then just leave you guys to stay and chat. 184 00:09:54,110 --> 00:09:56,069 Is that OK? 185 00:09:56,070 --> 00:10:00,070 OK. Anti-semitism! 186 00:10:01,670 --> 00:10:04,549 So, dude. How's the five-year plan? 187 00:10:04,550 --> 00:10:08,550 Here we are, full English with game sausage and chips! 188 00:10:08,670 --> 00:10:10,229 The Nanny Pru special! 189 00:10:10,230 --> 00:10:14,230 Yeah, good. And I'm on course for a rock star bonus. 190 00:10:14,910 --> 00:10:18,589 Fail. Nanny Pru would never let the eggs touch the beans, dude. 191 00:10:18,590 --> 00:10:19,789 HE SIGHS 192 00:10:19,790 --> 00:10:23,790 - So, what you got for me? - Well, I've had some ideas. 193 00:10:23,950 --> 00:10:27,909 I've been Googling. And not just since you arrived. 194 00:10:27,910 --> 00:10:31,910 I think I'd like to work with lions. Maybe in a safari park. 195 00:10:32,350 --> 00:10:35,389 - Are you fucking kidding me? - Well, I mean, 196 00:10:35,390 --> 00:10:39,390 maybe just in an admin capacity, but I like lions. That's solid. 197 00:10:39,470 --> 00:10:43,470 No-one works with lions, don't be a wanker. 198 00:10:43,830 --> 00:10:47,830 Right, but I mean, some people do, obviously. 199 00:10:48,350 --> 00:10:51,429 No, you're right. What about my art? 200 00:10:51,430 --> 00:10:55,149 Do you think there's maybe something I could... You know? 201 00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:59,150 You can't make a living drawing dicks. This isn't France. 202 00:10:59,590 --> 00:11:03,590 - It's time for the suit. - The suit? - Hmmm, yeah. 203 00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:07,630 - This is what you'll wear to go and see Jonty Harrington. - Jonty Bonty? - Yeah. 204 00:11:08,030 --> 00:11:12,030 Jonty Bonty Harrington. Mind your Ps and Qs and he'll slide you into a job at my firm. 205 00:11:12,910 --> 00:11:16,629 - So that's what I'm doing, is it? - Sure. Daddy did it for me, 206 00:11:16,630 --> 00:11:20,469 and now I'm doing it for you since... Daddy's not around. 207 00:11:20,470 --> 00:11:24,389 - Yeah, there's no need to cry. - I'm not crying, mate. Daddy's no biggie for me. - Yeah, likewise. 208 00:11:24,390 --> 00:11:27,749 - I'm cool talking Dad. It's easy peasy not to get cheesy. - Well, good, mate, 209 00:11:27,750 --> 00:11:31,309 don't blub about it. - I'm not going to blub, are you going to blub? - Fuck off. 210 00:11:31,310 --> 00:11:34,389 Hey, Vod, check out my suit. 211 00:11:34,390 --> 00:11:37,469 I was worried about my future, but it turns out it's going to be fine. 212 00:11:37,470 --> 00:11:41,470 Oh, brilliant. I was really worried about you. 213 00:11:42,590 --> 00:11:45,269 How's that, er, pharmacology course going for you, mate? 214 00:11:45,270 --> 00:11:48,829 Do you realise that tonight is the last chance we'll have to watch the 215 00:11:48,830 --> 00:11:52,830 first in a new series of New Tricks all together, as a house, ever? 216 00:11:54,550 --> 00:11:57,709 Yeah, er, out of interest, can you make Mandy or acid yet? 217 00:11:57,710 --> 00:12:00,429 Did we miss the last Pancake Day? 218 00:12:00,430 --> 00:12:02,709 Look, the thing is, I am going to need some money. 219 00:12:02,710 --> 00:12:06,710 It moves. Yeah, Pancake Day, you slippery fucker. 220 00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:09,789 So now I'm thinking, "Vod, play to your strengths. 221 00:12:09,790 --> 00:12:12,669 "You know drugs, you've got some great contacts. 222 00:12:12,670 --> 00:12:13,989 "All you need now is a source." 223 00:12:13,990 --> 00:12:17,269 - I am not going to be your drugs mule. - Not a mule! 224 00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:21,270 You would be a lovely, rosy-cheeked, nutty little drugs milk maid. 225 00:12:22,150 --> 00:12:26,150 No. And also, what's with the rosy fucking cheeks?! 226 00:12:28,990 --> 00:12:32,990 Hey, Howie, last first New Tricks tonight? Feel free to bring Candice. 227 00:12:33,510 --> 00:12:37,189 OK. Oh, no, she texted saying not to meet her off the coach after all. 228 00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:39,469 Oh. Er, everything all right? 229 00:12:39,470 --> 00:12:41,909 Yeah, just one of her texts. 230 00:12:41,910 --> 00:12:43,429 One of her texts? 231 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:47,430 We text in a text window, once a fortnight, rain or shine. 232 00:12:48,030 --> 00:12:50,149 Got to put the hours in a relationship, Jose. 233 00:12:50,150 --> 00:12:54,150 Right? 234 00:12:54,910 --> 00:12:58,789 "I think we need to take a break, I need to get my head together." 235 00:12:58,790 --> 00:13:00,829 Yeah. She sent that before Christmas. 236 00:13:00,830 --> 00:13:03,549 And it was actually perfect because I needed to get my head 237 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:06,429 together, too, so the timing was good. 238 00:13:06,430 --> 00:13:10,430 And, er, now... head together. 239 00:13:13,510 --> 00:13:17,309 Oh, God. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 240 00:13:17,310 --> 00:13:21,310 Maybe. Are you thinking about Nanny Pru's three-legged Labrador? 241 00:13:28,630 --> 00:13:31,909 Check it out, guys! I'm wearing my future, 242 00:13:31,910 --> 00:13:34,709 and it feels amazing! 243 00:13:34,710 --> 00:13:38,709 The future starts now. Revision starts now. 244 00:13:38,710 --> 00:13:42,549 I'm going to get a 2:1 and I'm going to slide into my amazing job 245 00:13:42,550 --> 00:13:45,869 that my amazing bro has swung for me. 246 00:13:45,870 --> 00:13:48,189 I need to knuckle down. We all do. 247 00:13:48,190 --> 00:13:50,109 That is true. Nose to the grindstone. 248 00:13:50,110 --> 00:13:51,669 Do some serious fucking study. 249 00:13:51,670 --> 00:13:54,309 I'm already four months in. 250 00:13:54,310 --> 00:13:58,310 We need to seriously, seriously start knuckling down. 251 00:13:59,590 --> 00:14:02,269 - Tomorrow. - Tomorrow, yes, I like it. 252 00:14:02,270 --> 00:14:05,349 Yes. Good. Up at 6.30? 253 00:14:05,350 --> 00:14:07,109 Yeah. That's the spirit, mate. 254 00:14:07,110 --> 00:14:08,949 Tomothy, pleased to meet you. 255 00:14:08,950 --> 00:14:12,950 Oh, er, we already, erm... I'm... I was the one with the American cereal. 256 00:14:13,030 --> 00:14:17,030 Here's my thinking, though. Before we focus like laser beams, 257 00:14:17,430 --> 00:14:21,229 surely we should have one really, really big one? 258 00:14:21,230 --> 00:14:23,749 A huge one. Massive. 259 00:14:23,750 --> 00:14:25,989 - There is a certain logic. - So pathetic. 260 00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,989 We had that quite long argument about the euro? 261 00:14:27,990 --> 00:14:31,990 We take all the temptations, all the distractions, all the booze 262 00:14:32,590 --> 00:14:35,829 and the drugs, everything from down the back of the sofa. 263 00:14:35,830 --> 00:14:39,830 All the intoxicants, the gluten and the coffee and the weed 264 00:14:39,910 --> 00:14:43,069 and the speed and the Drambuie and the voddy and the Nurofen 265 00:14:43,070 --> 00:14:44,509 and the garam masala... 266 00:14:44,510 --> 00:14:46,429 You get distracted by garam masala? 267 00:14:46,430 --> 00:14:48,389 Shut up, Howard! Sometimes I do. 268 00:14:48,390 --> 00:14:51,029 And then we turn it all into a terrible milkshake. 269 00:14:51,030 --> 00:14:52,669 Or pancake. Nice! 270 00:14:52,670 --> 00:14:54,029 We consume it all tonight. 271 00:14:54,030 --> 00:14:58,030 And then we go out and we go absolutely fucking mental. 272 00:14:58,510 --> 00:15:01,749 Then tomorrow, we knuckle down, camomile tea it through until finals. 273 00:15:01,750 --> 00:15:04,829 Pancakes or punch? Shall we go for pancakes or the punch? 274 00:15:04,830 --> 00:15:07,869 You need to decide. Shit or get off the pot, new guy! 275 00:15:07,870 --> 00:15:10,069 Punch! Fine, it's the punch! 276 00:15:10,070 --> 00:15:12,949 I should be able to sort the naughties. So, tell your mates. 277 00:15:12,950 --> 00:15:15,069 Yes, classic Hartnell night out! 278 00:15:15,070 --> 00:15:18,469 We give the bloody internal organs some trouble that they won't forget! 279 00:15:18,470 --> 00:15:19,949 Fuck you, liver! 280 00:15:19,950 --> 00:15:23,429 Now's the time for you all to get seriously laid. Third year. 281 00:15:23,430 --> 00:15:25,749 The social circle gets tighter and tighter and then, 282 00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:29,629 when you leave uni, someone turns the sex tap off for good. 283 00:15:29,630 --> 00:15:31,589 You've got six months to live. 284 00:15:31,590 --> 00:15:34,749 This is Adolf's bunker the night before the Allies arrive. 285 00:15:34,750 --> 00:15:37,429 12 weeks, you're out of here. 286 00:15:37,430 --> 00:15:39,389 Tonight's the night. 287 00:15:39,390 --> 00:15:41,989 Everything I've wanted to do in Manchester, 288 00:15:41,990 --> 00:15:45,389 I've just got to fucking do it. 289 00:15:45,390 --> 00:15:48,389 I want to release a chicken in a tutorial. 290 00:15:48,390 --> 00:15:51,829 I want to eat the hottest curry in Rusholme. I want to do 291 00:15:51,830 --> 00:15:55,830 a conga at a bunga bunga, hire a limo and fill it with foam! 292 00:15:56,510 --> 00:15:59,189 I want to get a blow job in a toilet. 293 00:15:59,190 --> 00:16:02,069 I want to go to Stockport and Wythenshawe! 294 00:16:02,070 --> 00:16:06,070 I want to go to the Gay Village and get fucked by a bunch of really great guys! 295 00:16:11,030 --> 00:16:13,109 What? 296 00:16:13,110 --> 00:16:14,989 It's just that... 297 00:16:14,990 --> 00:16:17,795 It's what the Lonely Planet said you should do. 298 00:16:25,690 --> 00:16:26,809 So, how's life, bro? 299 00:16:26,810 --> 00:16:28,649 Great, mate. It's fucking great. 300 00:16:28,650 --> 00:16:30,409 The little guy's not sleeping too well, 301 00:16:30,410 --> 00:16:33,769 so, er, it's good to get away, you know? 302 00:16:33,770 --> 00:16:37,770 Right, and this is definitely the hottest one you have? 303 00:16:39,090 --> 00:16:41,049 Ah, God! 304 00:16:41,050 --> 00:16:42,969 That is ridiculous. 305 00:16:42,970 --> 00:16:45,369 I can't eat that, it's too fucking hot. 306 00:16:45,370 --> 00:16:47,609 Oh, my God. I mean, that is an unrealistic curry. 307 00:16:47,610 --> 00:16:50,089 I mean, you've at least got to give me something I can eat. 308 00:16:50,090 --> 00:16:51,609 This is meant to be my dinner! 309 00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:54,369 Yeah, I'm pulling some big ones so, it's usually only weekends 310 00:16:54,370 --> 00:16:56,009 when I see the little guy. 311 00:16:56,010 --> 00:16:58,169 You know, out at five, back at nine. 312 00:16:58,170 --> 00:16:59,809 You mean, nine to five? 313 00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:02,169 No, man. Five to nine. 314 00:17:02,170 --> 00:17:04,889 Right. Well, I mean, how does that work? 315 00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:07,969 When do you, you know, have a nice time? 316 00:17:07,970 --> 00:17:11,329 Er, I get a coffee on the way in. 317 00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:13,729 Big lunches? 318 00:17:13,730 --> 00:17:16,969 OK, look, I'm sorry, mate, are you taking the piss? 319 00:17:16,970 --> 00:17:19,369 Is everyone having a big laugh at whitey, back there? 320 00:17:19,370 --> 00:17:21,969 I mean, that's basically a fucking korma. 321 00:17:21,970 --> 00:17:23,969 It's lovely. I'm not an eight-year-old girl! 322 00:17:23,970 --> 00:17:26,369 Come on, give me something with some balls on. 323 00:17:26,370 --> 00:17:28,249 Lunch in the saddle, mate. Desk jockey. 324 00:17:28,250 --> 00:17:30,569 Right. And then what? Cuddle up at night? 325 00:17:30,570 --> 00:17:33,649 No, Jen's usually wiped out. So I, er, microwave something. 326 00:17:33,650 --> 00:17:35,489 Fall asleep in front of Newsnight. 327 00:17:35,490 --> 00:17:37,649 Wank in the shower, if I can manage it. 328 00:17:37,650 --> 00:17:40,369 You know, do the e-mails every 30 minutes, that's the secret. 329 00:17:40,370 --> 00:17:43,049 Ping them back, keep pushing them back or they'll bury you. 330 00:17:43,050 --> 00:17:46,009 It's just "yes, no, OK." "Thank you, thank you, schedule it, Kelly." 331 00:17:46,010 --> 00:17:48,089 Just keep moving. 332 00:17:48,090 --> 00:17:50,449 Oh, fuck. 333 00:17:50,450 --> 00:17:52,049 But it's interesting, right? 334 00:17:52,050 --> 00:17:53,489 Well, what I do is boring. 335 00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:55,689 But if I do anything wrong, I might get fired. 336 00:17:55,690 --> 00:17:59,690 So, that kind of keeps it interesting, you know? 337 00:17:59,730 --> 00:18:03,730 Wow. 338 00:18:04,530 --> 00:18:08,530 Now, you see, this, this, my friend, is perfect. 339 00:18:09,010 --> 00:18:12,129 It's painful, incredibly unpleasant to eat. 340 00:18:12,130 --> 00:18:14,489 I'm certainly going to know about it in the morning. 341 00:18:14,490 --> 00:18:18,490 But I can just about get it down. 342 00:18:18,650 --> 00:18:22,650 Eugh, vile. 343 00:18:32,490 --> 00:18:34,369 I have the product. 344 00:18:34,370 --> 00:18:38,169 Yes. 345 00:18:38,170 --> 00:18:41,729 Well, come on, hand over the goods! 346 00:18:41,730 --> 00:18:44,569 OK. Are the rest like that? 347 00:18:44,570 --> 00:18:46,169 That IS the pill. 348 00:18:46,170 --> 00:18:49,329 How do you mean, that is THE pill? 349 00:18:49,330 --> 00:18:52,249 You wanted your apples tonight, I only had time to make one apple. 350 00:18:52,250 --> 00:18:56,250 This is a very new area of cider production... 351 00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:58,889 (..for me.) 352 00:18:58,890 --> 00:19:02,890 150 quid for one pill?! 353 00:19:03,050 --> 00:19:04,249 What, what does it do, 354 00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:07,769 grow a magic beanstalk back to the fucking Hacienda 1990? 355 00:19:07,770 --> 00:19:09,289 There will be more, Vod. 356 00:19:09,290 --> 00:19:12,729 I'm hardly even a drug pusher with one. 357 00:19:12,730 --> 00:19:14,209 You can't push just once? 358 00:19:14,210 --> 00:19:16,009 That's a not a push, it's a poke. 359 00:19:16,010 --> 00:19:20,010 I'm a drug poker. 360 00:19:20,130 --> 00:19:21,449 Pills? 361 00:19:21,450 --> 00:19:25,450 Oi, psst, hey, hey, pills? Pills? 362 00:19:27,330 --> 00:19:29,609 We could have gone to that bar that I told you about 363 00:19:29,610 --> 00:19:30,889 that Aguero goes to, 364 00:19:30,890 --> 00:19:33,009 with the ice sculptures and the frozen mojitos. 365 00:19:33,010 --> 00:19:34,609 I went. It's shit. 366 00:19:34,610 --> 00:19:37,249 James Milner was there, having a diet Coke. 367 00:19:37,250 --> 00:19:41,250 Whereas, here, pissed student totty! 368 00:19:41,650 --> 00:19:45,650 To look at! 369 00:19:49,810 --> 00:19:51,409 Oh, very mature! 370 00:19:51,410 --> 00:19:55,410 Oh, hottest curry in Manchester, tick. Champagne spray, tick. 371 00:19:56,530 --> 00:19:58,969 Right, now all I need is a blow-job in the toilet. 372 00:19:58,970 --> 00:20:00,529 Any interest? 373 00:20:00,530 --> 00:20:02,009 Anyone? 374 00:20:02,010 --> 00:20:05,769 Kingsley has soft pillowy lips? 375 00:20:05,770 --> 00:20:07,369 Pills? 376 00:20:07,370 --> 00:20:11,370 Pills? 377 00:20:11,690 --> 00:20:12,929 Come on, Kingsley! 378 00:20:12,930 --> 00:20:14,249 ♪ A bunga, bunga, bunga! 379 00:20:14,250 --> 00:20:16,489 ♪ A bunga, bunga, bunga... ♪ 380 00:20:16,490 --> 00:20:19,089 What an asshole. 381 00:20:19,090 --> 00:20:21,329 Yeah, he's actually one of my closest friends, so, 382 00:20:21,330 --> 00:20:23,649 I can confirm you are totally correct. 383 00:20:23,650 --> 00:20:27,650 "Bunga, bunga." For me, these words are politically very loaded. 384 00:20:28,530 --> 00:20:30,249 Fucking students. 385 00:20:30,250 --> 00:20:32,969 Yeah, fucking students. 386 00:20:32,970 --> 00:20:34,249 And you're here because...? 387 00:20:34,250 --> 00:20:36,289 I work upstairs. 388 00:20:36,290 --> 00:20:38,449 I like watching the wheels go round. 389 00:20:38,450 --> 00:20:42,450 I like watching the holding pen at the slaughterhouse. 390 00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:46,049 So I'm trying to fit in everything I haven't done in Manchester, 391 00:20:46,050 --> 00:20:47,569 before 6.30 tomorrow. 392 00:20:47,570 --> 00:20:48,849 So much to do. 393 00:20:48,850 --> 00:20:52,609 I mean, I've never even listened to a Smiths song! 394 00:20:52,610 --> 00:20:55,889 MUSIC: Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now by The Smiths. 395 00:20:55,890 --> 00:20:58,729 Oh? Is this The Smiths? 396 00:20:58,730 --> 00:21:02,730 In that case, I have listened to a Smiths song. 397 00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:07,569 Er, we didn't meet. I'm, er, JP's brother. 398 00:21:07,570 --> 00:21:09,049 Tomothy. 399 00:21:09,050 --> 00:21:11,289 Oh? Oregon. 400 00:21:11,290 --> 00:21:12,689 President of the union. 401 00:21:12,690 --> 00:21:14,049 - Right? - For my sins. 402 00:21:14,050 --> 00:21:16,729 Union president. Wow. 403 00:21:16,730 --> 00:21:18,689 You, er, you pushing through a lot of shit? 404 00:21:18,690 --> 00:21:21,009 Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It gets pretty pushy. 405 00:21:21,010 --> 00:21:23,249 What's your biggest achievement, would you say? 406 00:21:23,250 --> 00:21:26,929 Well, you know, I mean, implementation is, is complex. 407 00:21:26,930 --> 00:21:30,569 But in terms of structural reorganisation fund reallocation? 408 00:21:30,570 --> 00:21:32,929 Uh-huh. Sure. 409 00:21:32,930 --> 00:21:34,129 Well. 410 00:21:34,130 --> 00:21:38,130 You know, it's difficult to change things... because... of reasons. 411 00:21:39,930 --> 00:21:42,209 For example, I tried to do a free day at the gym, 412 00:21:42,210 --> 00:21:43,969 to encourage first years to... 413 00:21:43,970 --> 00:21:47,129 you know? But Rosa said that that's... 414 00:21:47,130 --> 00:21:50,209 So, so in the end, we just sort of put the prices up a bit. 415 00:21:50,210 --> 00:21:53,049 Which is similar, yeah. 416 00:21:53,050 --> 00:21:55,649 OK. I get it. You do a lot of this? 417 00:21:55,650 --> 00:21:58,969 - Yeah, I mean, I open the odd faculty. - Yeah. - Sure. 418 00:21:58,970 --> 00:22:02,609 They roll you out, roll you back in again. You sound plausible. 419 00:22:02,610 --> 00:22:03,929 Look good. 420 00:22:03,930 --> 00:22:05,129 You're an "RC". 421 00:22:05,130 --> 00:22:06,209 A ribbon cutter. 422 00:22:06,210 --> 00:22:07,529 A fruit fly. 423 00:22:07,530 --> 00:22:09,129 A Teflon wombat. 424 00:22:09,130 --> 00:22:11,729 A flak-catching shit sieve. 425 00:22:11,730 --> 00:22:15,089 Well, no, because that's a lot of horrible words, hold on, 426 00:22:15,090 --> 00:22:17,729 because, actually, I've just launched a study guide 427 00:22:17,730 --> 00:22:20,529 for final year students which... 428 00:22:20,530 --> 00:22:24,369 Um, Rosa? 429 00:22:24,370 --> 00:22:27,329 Why isn't the Short Walk To Freedom in the display bins 430 00:22:27,330 --> 00:22:28,489 as per my directive? 431 00:22:28,490 --> 00:22:30,689 People need my book, my little red book. 432 00:22:30,690 --> 00:22:32,089 Yeah, about that name... 433 00:22:32,090 --> 00:22:34,609 Oh, yes, update on that. 434 00:22:34,610 --> 00:22:37,849 The finance committee couldn't agree on a full print run in the end. 435 00:22:37,850 --> 00:22:39,249 I'm sorry. 436 00:22:39,250 --> 00:22:42,569 I can explain to you with your big calculator on Monday. 437 00:22:42,570 --> 00:22:44,369 Well, how many copies did they print? 438 00:22:44,370 --> 00:22:45,409 Ten. 439 00:22:45,410 --> 00:22:47,489 Just 10,000? 440 00:22:47,490 --> 00:22:51,490 No, just ten. 441 00:23:09,130 --> 00:23:11,649 Pill? 442 00:23:11,650 --> 00:23:13,569 Candice. She texted. 443 00:23:13,570 --> 00:23:15,809 - Oh, good. Brilliant. - Yeah. She wants a "big talk". 444 00:23:15,810 --> 00:23:16,889 Uh-huh? 445 00:23:16,890 --> 00:23:20,049 It'll be good cos she thinks I deserve someone better. 446 00:23:20,050 --> 00:23:21,129 Right? 447 00:23:21,130 --> 00:23:23,969 She'll be relieved when I'm like, "Nah, you're fine." 448 00:23:23,970 --> 00:23:27,970 Howard. Erm, "It's not you, it's me." 449 00:23:28,730 --> 00:23:30,209 Erm, well, that's no biggie. 450 00:23:30,210 --> 00:23:32,329 I assured her that I was fine with her. 451 00:23:32,330 --> 00:23:36,330 And as it's not me, as she states, but her, then no problem! 452 00:23:37,570 --> 00:23:41,409 OK, Howard, erm, I'm so sorry. 453 00:23:41,410 --> 00:23:42,809 But I have to tell you, 454 00:23:42,810 --> 00:23:46,810 as a human being from Planet Earth, that your relationship is over. 455 00:23:50,010 --> 00:23:53,729 Oh, yes, patronise me, Little Miss Relationships! 456 00:23:53,730 --> 00:23:55,489 Well, I can settle this... 457 00:23:55,490 --> 00:23:58,329 Oh, no, Howard, don't, don't... 458 00:23:58,330 --> 00:23:59,769 Candice! 459 00:23:59,770 --> 00:24:01,649 Oh, yes, er, it's great to get you! 460 00:24:01,650 --> 00:24:04,089 Erm. I'm just triple-checking. 461 00:24:04,090 --> 00:24:08,090 You are still my girlfriend, aren't you? 462 00:24:08,730 --> 00:24:12,730 Well, I don't see how it can be that complicated... 463 00:24:13,610 --> 00:24:16,409 I'm a ribbon cutter. She's thwarting me. 464 00:24:16,410 --> 00:24:19,809 I was going to roll those fatties onto the treadmill for free. 465 00:24:19,810 --> 00:24:21,529 Look, you're president. 466 00:24:21,530 --> 00:24:23,529 Would Putin let someone do this to him? 467 00:24:23,530 --> 00:24:25,969 Or would he poison them and then shoot them? 468 00:24:25,970 --> 00:24:28,009 And then take his shirt off and piss on them? 469 00:24:28,010 --> 00:24:30,769 - I can't believe he left you for your best friend? - Oh, yeah, 470 00:24:30,770 --> 00:24:33,449 he used to wash his face with the garden hose before 471 00:24:33,450 --> 00:24:36,129 he came home every night, so I couldn't smell her perfume. 472 00:24:36,130 --> 00:24:38,769 Oh, that's horrible. 473 00:24:38,770 --> 00:24:42,609 Oh, it's just so complicated And so grown up. 474 00:24:42,610 --> 00:24:46,409 Listen, if you want to get away from these bloody students, 475 00:24:46,410 --> 00:24:48,209 we could go back to my house? 476 00:24:48,210 --> 00:24:49,849 Your student house? 477 00:24:49,850 --> 00:24:51,489 Yeah, but my room is a haven. 478 00:24:51,490 --> 00:24:53,689 I have a shelf of books I don't even need to read 479 00:24:53,690 --> 00:24:55,009 but I do anyway, just for fun. 480 00:24:55,010 --> 00:24:57,609 - Hello, Rosa. It's the ribbon cutter here. - Hello? 481 00:24:57,610 --> 00:25:00,329 I've worked out what's going on and I'm giving you your notice. 482 00:25:00,330 --> 00:25:01,529 I'm sorry? 483 00:25:01,530 --> 00:25:05,530 Think of your job as a ribbon. I'm cutting it. You're fired. 484 00:25:06,330 --> 00:25:10,330 You just made a big mistake. You can't do that! 485 00:25:11,890 --> 00:25:13,089 Great. 486 00:25:13,090 --> 00:25:15,849 The first grown-up, complicated, fascinating woman who's 487 00:25:15,850 --> 00:25:18,489 agreed to come back to my room all year and you give her the sack. 488 00:25:18,490 --> 00:25:22,490 I'm sure Alan Sugar and my mother would be very pleased. 489 00:25:33,610 --> 00:25:37,249 Pill. 490 00:25:37,250 --> 00:25:40,049 I'm sorry. 491 00:25:40,050 --> 00:25:42,489 Hey, mate! Top night in here. 492 00:25:42,490 --> 00:25:44,569 Do you fancy an Irish cocoa? 493 00:25:44,570 --> 00:25:46,449 Nanny Pru stylee? 494 00:25:46,450 --> 00:25:49,729 - Oh? - Oh, come on, man, let's have a mental early one. 495 00:25:49,730 --> 00:25:52,009 Hit the duvet hard like Eminem and Dre do, 496 00:25:52,010 --> 00:25:54,289 probably, when they haven't seen each other for ages 497 00:25:54,290 --> 00:25:55,569 and want to have a catch-up. 498 00:25:55,570 --> 00:25:58,089 Yeah, fuck that. I'm having a very good time! 499 00:25:58,090 --> 00:26:01,009 But you don't want to do anything that you might regret? 500 00:26:01,010 --> 00:26:04,209 Listen, mate, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! 501 00:26:04,210 --> 00:26:07,689 Sorry, I don't understand. What happened in Vegas? 502 00:26:07,690 --> 00:26:09,929 I slept with a prostitute. 503 00:26:09,930 --> 00:26:11,729 All right, one percenters? 504 00:26:11,730 --> 00:26:14,769 Who wants to cough up for a party pill? 505 00:26:14,770 --> 00:26:16,209 How much? 506 00:26:16,210 --> 00:26:17,449 Er... 507 00:26:17,450 --> 00:26:19,169 200? 508 00:26:19,170 --> 00:26:20,529 That must be a very good pill. 509 00:26:20,530 --> 00:26:23,209 It is like Disneyland, Christmas morning, 510 00:26:23,210 --> 00:26:27,210 your 18th and your hardest cum all got remixed by David Guetta. 511 00:26:29,410 --> 00:26:33,410 Oh, plus, it's got a windmill on it. 512 00:26:36,530 --> 00:26:40,530 That's one half of one of your four months of back rent dealt with. 513 00:26:41,450 --> 00:26:43,809 - You are NOT allowed to have sex with Tomothy. - Why not? 514 00:26:43,810 --> 00:26:46,609 Because of a little something called the institution of marriage 515 00:26:46,610 --> 00:26:50,569 and a little organisation called the Church of fucking England. 516 00:26:50,570 --> 00:26:53,809 Look, I'll do whatever I want and Tomothy should do whatever he wants. 517 00:26:53,810 --> 00:26:57,729 That is a horrible philosophy. 518 00:26:57,730 --> 00:27:01,730 Oi! Quick quiz. What fucks like a tiger and winks? 519 00:27:05,610 --> 00:27:07,329 Vod, I need to speak with you. 520 00:27:07,330 --> 00:27:10,009 All right, Walter White. 521 00:27:10,010 --> 00:27:13,929 I've got a very little, tiny worry about some of the quantities I used. 522 00:27:13,930 --> 00:27:16,809 - The pill. It's probably fine. - Probably? 523 00:27:16,810 --> 00:27:20,449 Has it been ingested? 524 00:27:20,450 --> 00:27:21,489 Oh, God... 525 00:27:21,490 --> 00:27:25,129 Then you need to keep a very close eye on the subject. 526 00:27:25,130 --> 00:27:27,929 Oh, my God, fucking hell, Sabine. Should we just...? 527 00:27:27,930 --> 00:27:29,689 I don't think you need to worry. 528 00:27:29,690 --> 00:27:32,889 Just monitor his temperature and vital signs very closely 529 00:27:32,890 --> 00:27:35,774 and you can relax, have a great night out! 530 00:27:44,450 --> 00:27:47,349 You are a fucking talented administrator. 531 00:27:47,350 --> 00:27:49,629 You know, I can see that just by looking at you. 532 00:27:49,630 --> 00:27:51,749 Yeah. I think I am, actually. 533 00:27:51,750 --> 00:27:54,069 I have tiny Post-it notes... 534 00:27:54,070 --> 00:27:57,109 Cones are legendary. 535 00:27:57,110 --> 00:27:59,989 I mean, students and cones. 536 00:27:59,990 --> 00:28:03,069 But what do I actually do with the cone? 537 00:28:03,070 --> 00:28:07,070 I mean, it's funny, right? 538 00:28:07,150 --> 00:28:08,909 But surely there's more to it? 539 00:28:08,910 --> 00:28:12,189 OK, motherfuckers. Death pancakes! 540 00:28:12,190 --> 00:28:13,829 General announcement. 541 00:28:13,830 --> 00:28:16,549 My relationship, as prophesied by the doom-monger Josie, 542 00:28:16,550 --> 00:28:18,109 is indeed over. 543 00:28:18,110 --> 00:28:21,829 I will not be accepting any consolation or human sympathy, 544 00:28:21,830 --> 00:28:23,909 many thanks for your interest. 545 00:28:23,910 --> 00:28:25,709 Howard! 546 00:28:25,710 --> 00:28:28,629 Are you OK? 547 00:28:28,630 --> 00:28:30,909 I've been such a fool. 548 00:28:30,910 --> 00:28:34,549 Yeah, it's confusing because you're normally so pessimistic 549 00:28:34,550 --> 00:28:35,949 and doubting and... 550 00:28:35,950 --> 00:28:37,949 - Negative and sceptical? - Exactly. 551 00:28:37,950 --> 00:28:41,189 So, how did you miss the subtext? 552 00:28:41,190 --> 00:28:45,190 Well, I guess, because... 553 00:28:45,270 --> 00:28:46,949 HE MUMBLES 554 00:28:46,950 --> 00:28:48,989 What? 555 00:28:48,990 --> 00:28:51,349 She said she loved me. 556 00:28:51,350 --> 00:28:53,109 Oh! 557 00:28:53,110 --> 00:28:55,629 She said she'd always love me. 558 00:28:55,630 --> 00:28:57,829 And I didn't know, I had not been informed 559 00:28:57,830 --> 00:29:01,749 that when somebody says that, they don't necessarily mean it. 560 00:29:01,750 --> 00:29:05,750 Oh, Howie. 561 00:29:10,350 --> 00:29:13,629 It's kind of hard to relax with all of this heartbreak and cone-play 562 00:29:13,630 --> 00:29:17,469 and my archenemy, who I just fired, hanging out in my kitchen. 563 00:29:17,470 --> 00:29:21,470 Seven years. I've been in this job seven years 564 00:29:22,270 --> 00:29:24,709 and then that bitch tries to get rid of me like that. 565 00:29:24,710 --> 00:29:25,749 SHE SNAPS HER FINGERS 566 00:29:25,750 --> 00:29:27,309 My contract is crystal clear. 567 00:29:27,310 --> 00:29:30,949 If she wants a fight, my ex is an employment lawyer. 568 00:29:30,950 --> 00:29:33,589 Oh, my God. What a mess. 569 00:29:33,590 --> 00:29:35,229 I am going to fuck her. 570 00:29:35,230 --> 00:29:38,669 And when I fuck, I fuck hard. 571 00:29:38,670 --> 00:29:40,309 Promises, promises! 572 00:29:40,310 --> 00:29:42,109 How's it going for you, mate? 573 00:29:42,110 --> 00:29:44,589 Crunchy, or have you got the butterflies? 574 00:29:44,590 --> 00:29:46,469 Temperature feeling nice? Yeah? 575 00:29:46,470 --> 00:29:50,470 Fucking heartbeat regular as Big Ben, yeah? 576 00:29:50,630 --> 00:29:52,189 Yeah, I tell you what, 577 00:29:52,190 --> 00:29:56,069 for a drug dealer, your aftercare is off the scale. 578 00:29:56,070 --> 00:29:58,029 Oh, nice! 579 00:29:58,030 --> 00:30:01,629 I tell you what can be wild about now, is a nice glass of tepid 580 00:30:01,630 --> 00:30:05,429 water and a lie down where we can all see you. 581 00:30:05,430 --> 00:30:09,430 OK, let's crank up this party with dodgy tequila. 582 00:30:12,270 --> 00:30:13,469 So, er... 583 00:30:13,470 --> 00:30:15,589 is this going to be your first lay since...? 584 00:30:15,590 --> 00:30:18,709 She's on the rebound harder than a squash ball, 585 00:30:18,710 --> 00:30:21,189 and she's looking for love in all the wrong places! 586 00:30:21,190 --> 00:30:24,509 I don't know if it's a sex thing or a power thing or what 587 00:30:24,510 --> 00:30:26,549 kind of thing I'm into. 588 00:30:26,550 --> 00:30:27,949 It's so fucked up! 589 00:30:27,950 --> 00:30:31,950 I've left a message with Katrina in human resources. 590 00:30:32,350 --> 00:30:36,350 She's a good friend. An old friend. 591 00:30:37,910 --> 00:30:41,509 I think I might head to bed. Get some room. 592 00:30:41,510 --> 00:30:45,510 Night, everyone. 593 00:30:47,750 --> 00:30:50,709 Psst! 594 00:30:50,710 --> 00:30:54,149 About Tomothy. Maybe keep it vanilla? 595 00:30:54,150 --> 00:30:57,589 I mean, I know you're not exactly a mega-ho in the sack but... 596 00:30:57,590 --> 00:31:00,429 Erm, I'm sorry, Vod, what? 597 00:31:00,430 --> 00:31:04,430 I am extremely, hugely, raunchy and why are you even...? 598 00:31:05,990 --> 00:31:08,069 He's older, yeah? 599 00:31:08,070 --> 00:31:12,070 So, you know, keep his pulse low, temperature low, heart rate low. 600 00:31:13,910 --> 00:31:16,949 Listen, I just want to let my hair down and shag someone who 601 00:31:16,950 --> 00:31:19,109 I won't awkwardly bump into in the arts faculty. 602 00:31:19,110 --> 00:31:21,949 So just leave me alone and let me make one of those really fun 603 00:31:21,950 --> 00:31:25,950 mistakes that I rarely have the time or energy to manage. 604 00:31:29,430 --> 00:31:32,229 LOUD VACUUMING 605 00:31:32,230 --> 00:31:34,509 Howard? You're killing the vibe! 606 00:31:34,510 --> 00:31:38,429 Maybe you could hoover up your dreams in the morning? 607 00:31:38,430 --> 00:31:41,389 Or put your dick in the vacuum and I'll squirt tequila in your mouth? 608 00:31:41,390 --> 00:31:42,829 No thanks, Josie. 609 00:31:42,830 --> 00:31:44,949 I'm trying to have a party! 610 00:31:44,950 --> 00:31:48,950 HE YAWNS: Yeah, about time I hit the hay myself. 611 00:31:49,510 --> 00:31:51,229 You can sleep in my room. 612 00:31:51,230 --> 00:31:53,949 Er, yeah, I think I might just sling a sleepy into the sparey. 613 00:31:53,950 --> 00:31:56,549 I'd prefer it if you slept with me. 614 00:31:56,550 --> 00:31:58,789 I get very lonely at night. 615 00:31:58,790 --> 00:32:00,869 - And scared. - What? 616 00:32:00,870 --> 00:32:02,389 It's Howard. 617 00:32:02,390 --> 00:32:04,229 We all lock ourselves in, every night. 618 00:32:04,230 --> 00:32:05,589 It's just sensible. 619 00:32:05,590 --> 00:32:09,590 I mean, he's not done anything... yet. 620 00:32:09,790 --> 00:32:11,589 Once he did. 621 00:32:11,590 --> 00:32:14,869 - Yeah, do you really lock yourselves in? - No. 622 00:32:14,870 --> 00:32:17,629 Well, she doesn't, she's Welsh. She's up for a rumble, 24/7. 623 00:32:17,630 --> 00:32:20,749 Fuck you, Made In Chelsea. 624 00:32:20,750 --> 00:32:22,469 Listen... 625 00:32:22,470 --> 00:32:25,909 bro, how does sleeping with Oregon fit into your five-year plan, mate? 626 00:32:25,910 --> 00:32:27,669 I'm just having some fun, mate. 627 00:32:27,670 --> 00:32:29,309 And it's none of your business. 628 00:32:29,310 --> 00:32:31,949 Well, as a matter of fact, mate, yes, it is. 629 00:32:31,950 --> 00:32:35,349 Because you've got a wife at home. And Jen is lovely. 630 00:32:35,350 --> 00:32:37,429 She bought me that book, Coast, for Christmas. 631 00:32:37,430 --> 00:32:38,869 The one about the coast. 632 00:32:38,870 --> 00:32:40,989 And I like it so much that I won't even let anyone do 633 00:32:40,990 --> 00:32:43,669 a line off it, even though quite a lot of the time it is the only 634 00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:44,789 book that I have around. 635 00:32:44,790 --> 00:32:47,429 So, please don't break her heart. 636 00:32:47,430 --> 00:32:50,029 JP, I'm chained to a fucking desk 80 hours a week. 637 00:32:50,030 --> 00:32:51,669 I'm chained to my wife the other 80. 638 00:32:51,670 --> 00:32:53,989 So, let's just keep this on the down-low, yeah? 639 00:32:53,990 --> 00:32:55,909 I'm not going to do anything anyway. 640 00:32:55,910 --> 00:32:59,910 It's just a bit of flirty-shirty. 641 00:33:00,350 --> 00:33:04,350 Worst... party... ever. 642 00:33:12,110 --> 00:33:13,709 Wow! 643 00:33:13,710 --> 00:33:16,549 You are under a fucking mountain of debt. 644 00:33:16,550 --> 00:33:20,550 This is three credit cards on top of your tuition and loans. 645 00:33:20,710 --> 00:33:23,069 Why are the RAF after you? 646 00:33:23,070 --> 00:33:25,669 That's bad, they have drones. 647 00:33:25,670 --> 00:33:27,909 Oh! 648 00:33:27,910 --> 00:33:29,229 Where'd you get those? 649 00:33:29,230 --> 00:33:31,629 These? These were making a lump under your mattress. 650 00:33:31,630 --> 00:33:34,709 This is like 70 grand... 651 00:33:34,710 --> 00:33:37,469 Shut up. Anyway, I got a plan. 652 00:33:37,470 --> 00:33:39,429 Yeah? What's the plan? 653 00:33:39,430 --> 00:33:41,709 Die before I hit 27. 654 00:33:41,710 --> 00:33:44,349 What's the latest? 655 00:33:44,350 --> 00:33:47,109 Not much. Paolo Nutini and chat. 656 00:33:47,110 --> 00:33:48,629 OK, good. 657 00:33:48,630 --> 00:33:50,469 Why are you even bothered? 658 00:33:50,470 --> 00:33:51,509 I'm not. 659 00:33:51,510 --> 00:33:53,189 I just... 660 00:33:53,190 --> 00:33:56,349 believe that true love waits. 661 00:33:56,350 --> 00:33:57,749 Or something. 662 00:33:57,750 --> 00:33:59,349 Waits about half an hour. 663 00:33:59,350 --> 00:34:01,349 Why's he's being such a...? 664 00:34:01,350 --> 00:34:03,109 I'm going to tell him to fuck off. 665 00:34:03,110 --> 00:34:06,229 Lion taming and art. Those are my passions. 666 00:34:06,230 --> 00:34:08,549 I mean, I'm not unrealistic, I know that I might have to 667 00:34:08,550 --> 00:34:12,550 start off taming something a little more manageable, like a puma. 668 00:34:13,150 --> 00:34:16,309 Uh-oh, it's gone quiet. They've stopped chatting. 669 00:34:16,310 --> 00:34:19,709 GROANING 670 00:34:19,710 --> 00:34:22,549 Is he having a heart attack? 671 00:34:22,550 --> 00:34:26,550 Probably just... sex? 672 00:34:27,790 --> 00:34:29,469 All right! 673 00:34:29,470 --> 00:34:31,509 Just doing a round of waters! Who's in? 674 00:34:31,510 --> 00:34:33,669 That's not flirty-shirty, that's dirty-bertie! 675 00:34:33,670 --> 00:34:35,709 Hello? Do we not knock any more? 676 00:34:35,710 --> 00:34:37,589 Sorry, Ogs. I just need to check... 677 00:34:37,590 --> 00:34:38,989 Er, bit of a weird one. 678 00:34:38,990 --> 00:34:42,309 Can you open up? I just need to pop this, it's for a project. 679 00:34:42,310 --> 00:34:43,949 What, like an English project? 680 00:34:43,950 --> 00:34:45,909 Come on, or it's going in the back door. 681 00:34:45,910 --> 00:34:48,749 He's got a wife at home. She's lovely. She makes soup. 682 00:34:48,750 --> 00:34:50,509 Can't I have a single night off? 683 00:34:50,510 --> 00:34:53,229 Bill Clinton had his saxophone, he's my saxophone. 684 00:34:53,230 --> 00:34:54,749 Get out! 685 00:34:54,750 --> 00:34:58,750 Look, OK, the truth is, I sold your saxophone a dodgy pill 686 00:34:59,270 --> 00:35:01,389 and I'm worried he's going to die. - What?! - What? 687 00:35:01,390 --> 00:35:02,429 It's probably fine. 688 00:35:02,430 --> 00:35:06,430 But, erm, the "lab" where they came from just had a few... doubts. 689 00:35:06,590 --> 00:35:08,029 Well, what the hell's in it? 690 00:35:08,030 --> 00:35:10,269 I don't know. This and that. Sabine knocked it up... 691 00:35:10,270 --> 00:35:11,429 Sabine? 692 00:35:11,430 --> 00:35:13,189 You gave my brother a pill made by Sabine? 693 00:35:13,190 --> 00:35:14,549 She's a pharmacologist! 694 00:35:14,550 --> 00:35:17,389 She's a biscuit-licking European oddball that hates us! 695 00:35:17,390 --> 00:35:19,509 Oh, God, and it had to happen in the North! 696 00:35:19,510 --> 00:35:22,389 Oh, my God, what have you done? If you have hurt this. 697 00:35:22,390 --> 00:35:24,189 You could knock a percentile off the GDP. 698 00:35:24,190 --> 00:35:26,349 Just call Bupa. I might need to be 'coptered south. 699 00:35:26,350 --> 00:35:28,829 Calm down, we don't want your blood pressure to spike. 700 00:35:28,830 --> 00:35:30,509 This brain is gold! 701 00:35:30,510 --> 00:35:33,149 - If you've damaged even a single cell of it... - I will sue. 702 00:35:33,150 --> 00:35:35,709 - Look, should we get medical help? - Shall we get Josie in here? 703 00:35:35,710 --> 00:35:38,309 Oh, yeah! Josie, the struck-off trainee dentist? 704 00:35:38,310 --> 00:35:39,509 DOORBELL RINGS 705 00:35:39,510 --> 00:35:42,589 Well, who the hell is that? 706 00:35:42,590 --> 00:35:43,669 Well, I'll get it, shall I? 707 00:35:43,670 --> 00:35:46,149 Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to A & E, on the way 708 00:35:46,150 --> 00:35:48,629 I'll call the police, tell them I got spiked by a drug dealer. 709 00:35:48,630 --> 00:35:50,189 You're going to prison. You know why? 710 00:35:50,190 --> 00:35:52,389 Because you have fucked with the wrong pineapple! 711 00:35:52,390 --> 00:35:55,069 - What the fuck? - Come on, mate. It was just an accident. 712 00:35:55,070 --> 00:35:58,469 - She thought the pill was safe. - Bullshit. - It did have a windmill. 713 00:35:58,470 --> 00:36:00,909 She's an a-hole. All your housemates are a-holes. 714 00:36:00,910 --> 00:36:02,989 The pusher, the no-mark, the Welsh alcoholic, 715 00:36:02,990 --> 00:36:04,829 fucking Stig of the Dump... 716 00:36:04,830 --> 00:36:08,830 I don't live in a dump. I revise in a cellar. 717 00:36:11,710 --> 00:36:14,549 It would be more accurate to call me "The Fritzl Of Revision." 718 00:36:14,550 --> 00:36:17,229 The truth is, Tomothy, you shouldn't have taken the pill. 719 00:36:17,230 --> 00:36:18,989 And you shouldn't be in Oregon's bed! 720 00:36:18,990 --> 00:36:22,069 I'm calling an ambulance and the police. 721 00:36:22,070 --> 00:36:24,549 Put the phone down or I will clonk you on the dome. 722 00:36:24,550 --> 00:36:26,029 Ow! Fuck! 723 00:36:26,030 --> 00:36:27,829 I said I would clonk you. 724 00:36:27,830 --> 00:36:30,789 Now, put the phone down to avoid more clonks. 725 00:36:30,790 --> 00:36:34,389 Guys, could you, erm, keep the noise down? 726 00:36:34,390 --> 00:36:36,149 Rosa and I are trying to relax. 727 00:36:36,150 --> 00:36:37,269 Piss off, Kingsley! 728 00:36:37,270 --> 00:36:39,389 Ah, now you remember my name. 729 00:36:39,390 --> 00:36:42,749 The guy who pulled a hot, fully-grown Italian? 730 00:36:42,750 --> 00:36:45,429 We can all relax, it's fine. 731 00:36:45,430 --> 00:36:47,349 It's safe. I triple-checked. 732 00:36:47,350 --> 00:36:49,909 I was really concentrating this time. 733 00:36:49,910 --> 00:36:52,549 I even turned off the radio. 734 00:36:52,550 --> 00:36:53,909 The pill's safe. 735 00:36:53,910 --> 00:36:55,829 How do you know for sure? 736 00:36:55,830 --> 00:36:59,469 I just took one a few hours ago. I feel great. 737 00:36:59,470 --> 00:37:01,829 Here's the batch. 738 00:37:01,830 --> 00:37:04,229 I'm going to try to touch a duck in the park. 739 00:37:04,230 --> 00:37:06,789 They look so soft. Hey. 740 00:37:06,790 --> 00:37:10,069 Goodnight. 741 00:37:10,070 --> 00:37:13,749 Finally, I'm out. 742 00:37:13,750 --> 00:37:15,349 I'm out the game. 743 00:37:15,350 --> 00:37:18,109 There is too much health and safety in drug dealing these days. 744 00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:20,749 You're turning in. 9am at the tailor. 745 00:37:20,750 --> 00:37:22,509 Ooh, about that. 746 00:37:22,510 --> 00:37:25,269 I'm not sure I actually need the suit. 747 00:37:25,270 --> 00:37:26,549 What? 748 00:37:26,550 --> 00:37:30,109 Well, I think I might prefer to do a more interesting job. 749 00:37:30,110 --> 00:37:32,829 Not lions necessarily. 750 00:37:32,830 --> 00:37:34,149 Or cocks. 751 00:37:34,150 --> 00:37:36,989 Maybe something in media or books 752 00:37:36,990 --> 00:37:39,389 or the music industry. 753 00:37:39,390 --> 00:37:41,909 - Yeah. - But I'm not sure I want to be a fuck-off banker. 754 00:37:41,910 --> 00:37:43,909 Well, don't worry, mate. You won't be. 755 00:37:43,910 --> 00:37:46,709 Cambridge, Imperial, Harvard, they're full of physicists, 756 00:37:46,710 --> 00:37:49,149 geniuses who fuck off the cancer-curing 757 00:37:49,150 --> 00:37:50,549 to work in derivatives. 758 00:37:50,550 --> 00:37:52,549 You wouldn't get a look-in. 759 00:37:52,550 --> 00:37:53,869 Oh. 760 00:37:53,870 --> 00:37:54,989 I see. 761 00:37:54,990 --> 00:37:57,549 Look, real world, JP, you're a fucking good guy, 762 00:37:57,550 --> 00:37:59,189 you're a clinical moron. 763 00:37:59,190 --> 00:38:00,229 Stick with me, 764 00:38:00,230 --> 00:38:04,029 big bro will keep an eye on you, make sure you don't shit the bed. 765 00:38:04,030 --> 00:38:05,389 What? 766 00:38:05,390 --> 00:38:07,469 Look, I'm being nice. 767 00:38:07,470 --> 00:38:09,029 I'm helping you out, bro. 768 00:38:09,030 --> 00:38:11,989 Right. 769 00:38:11,990 --> 00:38:13,149 Thank you. 770 00:38:13,150 --> 00:38:17,150 Yeah. 771 00:38:18,270 --> 00:38:20,789 NEW TRICKS THEME TUNE PLAYS 772 00:38:20,790 --> 00:38:23,589 ♪ Doesn't really matter if you're old and grey 773 00:38:23,590 --> 00:38:26,069 ♪ It's all right I say, it's OK 774 00:38:26,070 --> 00:38:29,069 ♪ Listen to what I say 775 00:38:29,070 --> 00:38:33,070 ♪ It's all right Doing fine... ♪ 776 00:38:33,470 --> 00:38:35,949 I recorded New Tricks. 777 00:38:35,950 --> 00:38:39,950 It's a goody. 778 00:38:50,230 --> 00:38:54,230 VOLUME INCREASES 779 00:38:58,710 --> 00:38:59,989 ALARM BEEPS 780 00:38:59,990 --> 00:39:01,429 Welcome to the breakfast show. 781 00:39:01,430 --> 00:39:04,829 Coming up, we've got Daisy Day Fawcett, but, first... 782 00:39:04,830 --> 00:39:08,830 MUSIC: We've Only Just Begun by The Carpenters 783 00:39:16,310 --> 00:39:20,229 ♪ We've only just begun 784 00:39:20,230 --> 00:39:24,230 ♪ To live 785 00:39:24,430 --> 00:39:28,430 ♪ White lace and promises 786 00:39:29,710 --> 00:39:33,710 ♪ A kiss for luck and we're on our way 787 00:39:35,430 --> 00:39:38,349 ♪ We've only begun 788 00:39:38,350 --> 00:39:42,350 ♪ Before the rising sun 789 00:39:42,630 --> 00:39:46,630 ♪ We fly 790 00:39:46,710 --> 00:39:50,309 ♪ So much of life ahead... ♪ 791 00:39:50,310 --> 00:39:52,109 ALARM BEEPS 792 00:39:52,110 --> 00:39:56,110 ♪ We'll find a place where there's room to grow 793 00:39:57,830 --> 00:40:01,830 ♪ And, yes, we've just begun. ♪ 794 00:40:17,710 --> 00:40:21,710 MUSIC: U-Mass by Pixies