CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much. Wow!
You're well too kind!
Good evening, everyone, and welcome to The Jonathan Ross Show.
And we have a fabulous show lined up for you tonight.
Let's have a look at who's in my green room.
First up, a BAFTA and Olivier-Award winner
and the star of such classics as The English Patient,
Four Weddings And A Funeral
and the massively popular TV show Slow Horses,
it is Dame Kristin Scott Thomas.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Kristin, lovely to see you. Thank you for being here.
Alongside her, one of the biggest and best comedians
this country has ever produced.
He is brilliant as a stand-up, he is brilliant as an actor,
and he is brilliant as the man who doesn't know very much on QI,
it's Alan Davies. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Alan, lovely to have you back on the show.
Plus...
one of the best things to come out of Canada since Celine Dion,
Ryan Gosling and double denim,
it is the always hilarious Katherine Ryan.
CHEERING
Hello, Katherine. One of my favourite guests.
I'm so excited she's back on the show.
And as if that weren't enough,
an exciting young comedian and writer,
his brilliant sitcom Juice saw him deservedly take home a BAFTA
for Best Male Performance, it is the wonderful Mawaan Rizwan.
CHEERING Mawaan, good to see you again!
Such a handsome young man. Look at that.
We've also got great music tonight from an incredible singer-songwriter
who blew up online last year
with a huge hit, Die On This Hill, it is Sienna Spiro.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, Sienna.
So, just before I get my guests out,
it's Easter tomorrow, everybody! It's Easter!
CHEERING
Easter means different things to different people, of course.
For some, it's a special time of religious importance.
And to everyone else, it's an excuse
to eat as much chocolate as humanly possible.
LAUGHTER
With so much chocolate about,
Easter can be a real test of self-control, of course,
as these twins demonstrate.
Did you have an Oreo cookie? CHILD BABBLES
You had an Oreo cookie for the first time.
Was it good?
And then, Blake...
LAUGHTER
You had an Oreo cookie for the first time?
THEY LAUGH
APPLAUSE Very adorable children.
But now we know who stole those 12 tonnes of KitKats.
Should we get on with the show?
Yes! Wow.
Let's get my first guests out there.
Both fluent French speakers,
so please join me in saying "willkommen"
to Katherine Ryan and Dame Kristin Scott Thomas.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Fabulous! You look amazing as always.
Come sit down. Come and sit down on the couch.
Hello. Lovely to have you both here.
So, congratulations in order to both of you.
You've both created new things. Mm.
Kristin, a movie, which we'll get to in a moment.
Erm, but, Katherine, you have created a new human being
since last I saw you. Yes.
You have a new baby. Oh, yes.
I have babies the way a drunk person eats chicken nuggets -
all at once, with complete disregard for what it's doing to my body.
So, a new baby, little Holland, I believe, is her name. Yeah.
How old now? She's five months.
Wow! Such a lovely thing.
And am I allowed to ask this question?
Is that it for you now, or are you gonna keep on making babies?
That's absolutely it.
I feel like if I could be their dad, I would have way more.
I would be like the white Nick Cannon, you know?
But I find it a lot of work.
I feel like babies are like glasses of white wine.
You don't know you've had enough until you've had that one too many,
and I've maxed myself out.
Kristin, it's lovely to have you back.
You're living back here in the UK, aren't you? I am, yes.
You were in France for how many years?
Forty-two. Wow!
Forty-two years in France. I know. Can you believe it? I can't.
But anyway, there we are. And you moved back a few years ago.
So I'm curious as to, was there one thing that the French did
so much better than us where you thought,
"OK, the UK should change, they should adopt this"?
And vice versa. Is there something that we do over here
which we do so much better than the French?
Probably most things, but is there one thing in particular?
When you live in France, you are able to eat better.
Which is one of my favourite occupations.
But the thing that I really, really, really missed
when I lived there was British humour. Ah!
Oh, yeah. So make me laugh.
LAUGHTER
But why move back? What made you... prompted that decision?
Well, I got sort of stuck here in lockdown, and, erm...
I just found that I was very happy here.
Erm... And then, yeah... And then I stayed.
You weren't a French-Canadian,
but you went to a French school in Canada, didn't you? That's right.
And the Francophone community really hold onto the language.
They're very serious about it.
And my dad is Irish,
my mom is of Irish descent, but born in Canada,
so neither of them speak French.
And like a prank, they just dropped me off
at an all-French school when I was four years old,
with no set-up to what was happening,
just like, "Au revoir!" And I had to learn it.
Um, but it was a scary first day of school.
And they wouldn't budge.
I would say to the teachers, "Could I go to the toilet, please?"
And they would be like, "Oh, en francais, Katherine."
And I was like, "I don't know what's going on here.
"This guy dropped me off. Um...
"Please can I go to the toilet?" "En francais."
They let me piss myself... Wow.
...which was a core memory. Yeah.
Really humiliating.
And then I learnt French.
Yeah. I mean, but that would do it.
Yeah, I thought, "I better get on with this language."
Alors, je parle en francais.
Je comprends beaucoup mieux que je parle.
Et c'est le francais canadien, alors c'est pas beau.
I speak like Celine Dion, Shania Twain French.
Was that French? It was French, yes.
Amazing. But it was.
Kristin, let me ask you about some of the things you've done
cos many movies have been mentioned already.
Would you mind telling everyone who your co-star was
for your big-screen debut?
My co-star and my director.
Prince. Prince.
Ooh! "Ooh!"
They actually do that! LAUGHTER
Well, you just said Prince. They don't do it for every name.
But after Purple Rain, it came out and was a big hit for Prince. Yeah.
And his next film was called Under The Cherry Moon,
so you were just a young actor starting out. Yeah.
How did that come about?
How did you windup co-starring with Prince in your first film?
I... It was extraordinary.
I mean, I couldn't believe it at the time.
I had to keep pinching myself.
I had been doing a play in a field in Burgundy,
a sort of three-people play,
and I got this call from a casting agent,
saying they're looking for local actresses...
They're making a film in France, Prince is making a film in France,
and he wants local actresses to come and play the bit parts.
And I said, "Oh, great",
and trotted off to this audition.
And when I was doing this audition,
there was a sort of kerfuffle behind the camera.
They used to video you.
And they said, "Would you like to audition for the lead?" Wow.
And... You just really can't believe that question when it happens.
To already doing a film with Prince, but the LEAD in a film with Prince.
Anyway, I did it, and I got the job, and it was just incredible.
Wow. And he was directing as well?
He wasn't directing the beginning, but then he took over.
But he was only 24. Yeah.
You know? I was 23. Amazing! Oh, look.
Do you think he wanted a romantic relationship with you?
No, I'm afraid not.
Didn't? No. I met him once.
And he could have had one with me, I'm telling you, he was gorgeous.
But he wrote a song for you or about you, I believe?
Yes, he did. After that.
A few years after that.
I was on stage in New York, and he said could he get tickets?
So I said could he come and see? And so I said, "Yes, of course.
"Of course. This is the number of the box office." Blah, blah, blah.
He rented the whole... He bought the whole row of seats
so that he wasn't bothered by anyone either side. Wow!
Sorry, I'm not sure you understand men.
LAUGHTER This is true!
I think he really, really, really wanted a romantic relationship.
LAUGHTER
He wrote a song about you. He wrote a song about me.
Bought all the tickets.
If I tell you the title of the song, you probably will understand...
Was it I Want A Romantic Relationship With You?
No, no. It was Better With Time. LAUGHTER
Wow, it's so clear!
Do you ever put it on at home and just say, "Jesus, Prince!"?
Sometimes, I've had to sort of think,
"Gosh, did this really happen?" Yeah, yeah.
But it did.
And, Katherine, am I right in thinking
that the Vengaboys wrote a song for you?
LAUGHTER
Has anyone ever written a song for you,
or have you ever written a song about anyone?
It's called We Like To Party. LAUGHTER
I was the inspiration behind the Vengabus.
Anyone could get a ride. Cheap.
If you knew me in those days...
That is the song.
What about Bobby, your husband, the love of your life?
I wrote several songs about...
Listen, I'm the original Taylor Swift.
And we didn't, of course, in my small town in Canada,
in those days, have tablets or social media
or anything to distract us,
so on one of the times Bobby broke up with me...
That's my wonderful husband,
He ended the relationship several times,
and I would react, not by acting out
or stalking his social media like a young person might do now,
I would just write anthems, break-up anthems.
And I was really influenced by Alanis Morissette at that time,
so I wrote one called...
Well, it was called Fuck You.
LAUGHTER
And what were you trying to express in that song?
A mix of, like, light and dark. So it went...
♪ I was naive... ♪ She's singing it.
♪ I was naive enough
♪ To believe all that stuff... ♪ And I played the guitar.
♪ That you told me That you loved me
♪ And that no-one was above me
♪ I guess it wasn't true
♪ And now I want to say to you
♪ Now that we're through
♪ FUCK YOU! Fuck you!
♪ Fuck everything And everyone you do! ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The exciting news is, Kristin has a new movie, ladies and gentlemen.
It's called My Mother's Wedding.
It's out in cinemas from the 29th of May.
I was lucky enough to see it on the big screen.
You should see this on a big screen if you can
because it's a really lovely story.
Tell me about the story
before we get into how this came about,
because you're not only a star in this movie, or co-star in it,
you also direct, and you co-wrote the script.
Yes. Which I think is a first for you.
Yes, I did. Yes, it's absolutely a first.
So, I was getting a little bit bored with the fact
that every time I read a profile piece on me,
there was always a paragraph about my so-called tragic childhood.
And I thought, "Hang on, it's my story,
"I want to tell this story."
So this is how the idea of writing a film
about what happened to me as a child came up.
So what happened to me as a child
is that I lost my father when I was five,
my mother married another person who did exactly the same job,
and he died when I was 11.
And people seem to be kind of morbidly interested in this.
And I wanted to make a film that showed
that you could have a happy existence,
even if you were hit by catastrophe when you were a little person.
Both of them were air pilots? Yeah, they were both in the Navy.
And they were pilots in the Navy in peacetime. Yeah.
And they were both killed on exercise.
And so...
And hold old were you...? Found out when you were five? Five.
And I was the sort of keeper of most of the memories.
Were you the oldest? Yeah.
The three women who play your daughters, tell us the cast.
It's amazing cast. We have got an amazing cast, yes.
My daughters happen to be Scarlett Johansson, Sienna Miller,
and a wonderful actress called Emily Beecham.
They all have very different personalities.
Gonna show everyone the trailer. As I said, it's out on May the 29th.
It's called My Mother's Wedding. Have a look at this.
Mummy, tonight is your last night as a Munson. What?
Not gonna change your name again. Mrs Geoffrey Loveglove.
Stop it. It's a beautiful name.
It's not his fault.
To Mummy Loveglove.
Bloody hell, a third husband?
Caught up with me.
Daddy number three. Two for me.
'What has happened to our mother? Why on earth would she choose him?'
There you go again.
Tell me, Victoria Frost, of your numerous successful marriages.
I have never pretended to be anything but myself.
Says the famous actress. GRUNTING
'This is my wedding. Pull yourselves together!'
I brought you up to be women, not just daughters.
Your fathers gave their lives for their country,
but they were not the perfect men you imagine.
We have never let go of them.
I know you all think Geoff is dull, but he is the man I love.
He makes me happy...
...which when you all eventually grow up,
you will learn is the most important thing.
APPLAUSE
Katherine has a new podcast out, ladies and gentlemen.
It's called What's My Age Again.
And it sounds like a great idea.
I've listened to one with Prue Leith, which was fabulous.
You did Bobby on this as well, didn't he?
Tell us about the idea behind What's My Age Again.
Well, people are really interested in not just longevity,
but they wanna be well in their older years.
And people are exploring biohacking and different things they can do
not just to look young but to feel young as well.
And so we take the blood of willing celebrities
and unwilling celebrities who really need the PR,
and then we send it to a company who test their biological age,
so, how young their cells behave on the inside.
You presumably had this done. What did it come back...?
Yes. Brace yourself.
It was hurtful. I'm 42 years old.
My biological age is 77. Wow.
LAUGHTER It's all those kids.
It's all the kids. Thank you, Dame.
But you're not like a 77-year-old.
I mean, you just had a baby, for... What's wrong with being 77?
Yeah, what's wrong? No.
There's nothing wrong with being it, unless you're 42,
then there's a lot wrong.
There's nothing wrong with being 77 if you've lived 77 years.
Would you like to have your blood sampled
and taken by the vampire sitting next to you?
Certainly not for entertainment. Yes.
LAUGHTER
We're gonna take a break,
but don't go away, because up next, we'll be joined by Mr Alan Davies.
See you in a couple of minutes. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out.
As well as a legendary comedian,
you'll of course know him from Jonathan Creek and QI.
But the exciting news is, he's back on tour.
It's the fantastic Mr Alan Davies! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Alan. Hello. Jonathan!
How are you?
Hello, hello, hello. Hello, lovely.
Mwah. Mwah.
Great to see you again.
I know you've worked with Katherine quite a lot over the years.
We'll talk about that podcasting recently.
You must be like the rest of us, a fan of Kristin's work.
The Dame KST. The Dame.
Got a big YouTube following.
A big what? YouTube.
Oh. YouTube.
It's huge. It's on the inter-web.
LAUGHTER It's on the line.
It's great to have you back on.
Alan released - talk about your tour in a bit -
Alan's released his second memoir last year.
The reason I mention it, it's out in paperback this June,
and it's an absolutely fantastic read. Thank you.
White Male Stand-Up.
Cos you're a great writer, I think, and this one, it combines memories
of your time starting in show business,
getting established comedian, ending up, with, like, you know,
more kind of personal stuff
about the various health battles you've had in recent years as well.
It's a fabulous piece of work, full of stories from those.
And one of the stories I love about it -
cos I'm in it a bit as well, which I didn't realise,
and you didn't ask - but one of the things...
I didn't send it to you to check, either, did I?
I'm reading and thought, "What? Oh, what have I done now?"
But you talk about going to the British Comedy Awards in 1998.
This was a show I hosted for quite a long while on British TV,
and it was a big thing back in the day.
And there was an event.
I'd love you to tell us what happened from your side.
Well, what happened was, I was invited,
I was nominated for something, Jonathan Creek, I think,
and that was very exciting.
And they said it's fancy dress. Yeah.
And I went with my then-partner, and we turned up.
I'd got a matador outfit. You'd gone all out?
Quite a good matador outfit.
Well, we have a photograph. Let's have a look.
This is Alan. That is... Whoa!
By anyone's definition, that is the fanciest fancy dress, right?
You were not holding up.
I was delighted when I saw you turning up in that.
And look at you there, you've got the black curly locks
of a young Spanish man as well going on.
And then what happened?
Well, we got to that point, Cath and I -
that's Cath with the plastic fruit -
and looked around and realised that no-one else was in fancy dress!
No-one at all anywhere, including you,
host, not in fancy dress.
No, to be fair, I said to the guy, producer,
"Should I be in fancy dress?"
"No, you're the host.
"Everyone else will be in fancy dress.
"You're in a position of authority."
And then I thought, "Is this a setup?
"Something... It must be." And then I...
Oh, it was mortifying. All night, it was mortifying.
You did look furious.
I was quite sad on the inside. And then, er...
And then do you remember Dana International?
Yes, yeah.
Dana International judged who was the best, and I thought,
"If they don't give me this prize..."
LAUGHTER
I didn't get either of the comedy awards I was up for,
but I did get Best Dressed.
APPLAUSE
But, oh... Yes, thank you!
APPLAUSE INTENSIFIES
It showed you in such a good light.
I really appreciate that, because that's been 28 years,
and that's the first applause I've had for the matador outfit.
LAUGHTER
Have you ever had any kind of, like, clothing disasters at award shows?
I did once go to an award show wearing... two different shoes.
I noticed as I was going down the red carpet
there was something a bit weird going on.
You had them on your hand? No.
LAUGHTER
What were you doing? Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, there we are.
Were they different colours as well, or you'd made a...?
Completely different. I couldn't choose which ones.
One had a heel about this high, one had a heel about that, you know.
It was a disaster. Wow.
Alan, in your book, what I love about it is,
for someone who's from the same period,
seeing the way you talk about what was in the world of comedy,
it's a really kind of interesting snapshot
in a really exciting period in British comedy.
So many of the names that we now see as household names,
fill stadiums today, were all coming up alongside you.
So many great people you worked with.
You talk in the book about touring with Lee Evans.
Sounded like quite an experience.
Oh, I love Lee Evans. Well, Lee Evans...
I used to compere his show in Birmingham midweek,
every Tuesday and Wednesday, and then usually go back to London.
And sometimes, I was driving, carload of comedians.
On this occasion, Lee Evans was driving, and Lee...
And someone said, "We're hungry." And he goes, "Do you want chips?"
And we said, "Yeah." CHUCKLING
And he sped off, he spun around,
he went through somewhere, it didn't feel right.
And stopped again, pulled up, we piled out, we got chips,
spun around, headed off again,
blue lights flashing, car pulls in front.
The police come out.
They got Lee, they put him in the car,
and we all sat in the car, in his car,
not knowing now what was gonna happen.
And then a copper came out of the police car,
walked all the way back down, looked in, and he goes,
"So, youse are all comedians, are you?"
We were just eating chips, going like this.
And then they let him go! I don't know why they him go.
And he got back in the drivers seat. We said, "What happened, Lee?"
And he goes, "They said I committed seven offences..."
LAUGHTER "..speeding,
"went through a traffic light, wrong right turn,
"U-turn where I shouldn't, stopped where I shouldn't,
"didn't indicate, speeding again," something like that.
And they let him off! So... LAUGHTER
I just would have loved to have been a fly on the wall in the car.
Probably had them in stitches, because Lee was one of those people
who was just funny by accident, almost.
You know, he just was always funny whenever he was talking.
But it's amazing.
Cos I know you did my show.
I had a talk show about them on Channel 4.
You did it very early in your career.
And it was fairly early in my career.
Reading about it in the book,
I hadn't realised you seemed so confident and so together,
and I read about it and realised you weren't.
It was... I was terrified, yeah.
It was live. I had to do two minutes.
And it normally takes me two minutes to say hello and get started.
I did this two minutes, and I said to my agent, I said,
"What, I've got...?
"Am I gonna get interviewed by Jonathan?"
And they said, "They just want you to do the two minutes."
I said, "Oh, I'd quite like to be interviewed by Jonathan."
And I was quite a fan, Jonathan, I was.
And then they rang me about it, said,
"Jonathan's gonna talk to you. Only...
"Won't be a proper interview, but he will come over."
So, I did my two minutes, so nervous, live on telly,
finished it, and then I looked over, and then you were coming towards me,
and I was thinking, "Oh, no!"
LAUGHTER "Oh, no."
Because what I was doing as a comedian, my kind of persona,
was so different from the kind of sullen individual
that I was on stage.
And you were thinking, "What am I gonna ask this kid?
"He's done about five gigs in his life.
"He's got no career."
Also, I didn't know what I was doing back then either.
I do have the clip of that.
Do you?! But I watched this earlier.
I couldn't believe how young you are in it,
cos it only seems like a few years ago.
But this is... this is frankly terrifying. 34 years...
Have a look at this.
'You have never played Edinburgh Festival, right?'
'That's right.
'Well, it's a bit of a rip-off, really.
'It's a bit expensive, accommodation and venues and all the rest of it.
'And I work with comedians all year round.
'Don't really wanna see them getting pissed for three weeks.
'If anyone drinks Perrier, you know, it's a shock.'
'Yeah, they don't get a lot of that down there, do they?'
'So, I go to Canada.
'I've been to Canada the last three summers and done fringe festivals.
'And I'm off to Australia next month to do an Adelaide Fringe Festival...
'I will have to do the Orlando Fringe Festival.'
'So, what if people here in the UK might wanna see you live?
'They get the chance?'
'Yeah, tonight and tomorrow night at the Comedy Store
'and tonight also at the pub next door to the Hackney Empire,
'and then next...'
'See, that sounds...' CROWD CHEERS
That sounds a bit sad, "the pub next door to the Hackney Empire".
LAUGHTER
'And then next weekend, the Birmingham Rep.'
'OK, well, I think you've given us your entire itinerary
'for the next three years there, Alan.
'Alan Davies, ladies and gentlemen.' CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE
INDISTINCT, LAUGHTER
Oh, look, that was, like I entered the kind of boring competition.
"Alan, you've done your two minutes of comedy,
"now two minutes of really boring...
"No humour, no self-awareness, no smiling,
"just drone on in a serious way about your non-existent life."
LAUGHTER
So, you also talk about more personal areas
that I mentioned earlier,
your journey and your struggle with cancer back in...
Was it 2024, you were diagnosed? '24, I have bladder cancer, yeah.
And to get that tumour out, they have to go...
ALAN WHISTLES ...up the...
Yeah. So, er...
My advice is, if you're gonna have a flexible cystoscopy...
Right. Erm...
The doctor said to me,
"It's not very nice, but it's not as bad as you think,"
and that is absolutely accurate.
But you are gonna be watching it on TV.
And I remembered... LAUGHTER
...luckily remembered to put my glasses on,
cos it's quite a big TV.
And suddenly, there you are,
what you're watching is your insides.
And then this thing appears,
and the doctor says, "That can't stay there."
Then it goes very serious.
Anyway, and they got it out, so, phew!
So you're all clear now? I'm all clear now.
I do have to have a... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
...every few months.
You know, the important thing here is, you know,
that's why people need to do regular checks.
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
I know it's not the same thing, but you're writing a book as well,
which is about you and your family.
You're writing it with your daughter, is that correct?
Yes. It's about Alan's bladder cancer.
No, it is called First Born Daughter,
and I kind of discovered on tour that a lot of people who like me
happen to be first-born daughters,
or they just suffer from hyper- independence as a trauma response.
Whoo! Yeah.
So, it's just about womanhood and some of the messiness
passed on from mothers and daughters, daughters and mothers,
and I thought it would be really interesting to include my daughter,
my eldest daughter's 16,
and get some of her perspectives, because we don't hear a lot.
And she is my first-born daughter,
and it is just a lot of me oversharing as usual.
And you are incredibly close
because you raised her, you were a single mum.
You took her to gigs with you when you were first starting out,
you have a bond which is unlike most.
I love all of my children equally after her,
and she's the favourite.
LAUGHTER
Kristin, your book I would love to see.
Are you gonna write your story? Might do.
That sounds like you're thinking about it right now.
I was asked to write my autobiography...
Understandably. ...when I was about 35.
And I just hadn't done anything.
And funnily enough, no-one has asked me since, but... I could.
No-one has asked you since? I could write...
I could write a... Yeah, could do. I can't wait for the book.
It would just be a catalogue of men
who were clearly romantically interested in you...
And wrote songs. Yeah!
Also, the book would be about you,
but also I'm fascinated by the people you've worked with.
I have worked with some amazing people.
Ryan Gosling, you've worked with. I've worked with Ryan.
I've worked with Robert Redford, I've worked with Sydney Pollack.
I've worked with Harrison Ford, I've worked... You know...
Ralph Fiennes, of course. Ralph. Yeah.
I'm gonna do another thing with Ralph soon.
Ralph is amazing. He's amazing.
Who... He did leave you in the cave, though.
He did leave me in the cave. Left you in the cave...
Yeah. I am referring to The English Patient.
I know. Left you in the cave...
Hold on, a bit late, but spoiler warning
if you haven't seen it... LAUGHTER
...he leaves her in a cave. He leaves her in a cave.
And you wait and you wait for him to get her out of the cave,
and if he can't get her out of the cave,
tell someone to get her out of the cave.
And the film goes on and on and on...
That's not how you describe... LAUGHTER
I was very concerned about you. Yes.
And then it ends. It just ends. Never comes out of the cave.
And you're in the cave! You're still in the cave!
I just want to make a short film, you and me,
you're in the cave... LAUGHTER
...maybe I have got a dog or something.
Dog goes in, finds you. Yeah.
I've got a mobile, that won't be right, but it doesn't matter.
Hold on a second. And we get you rescued!
Can you bring out that cave? We're gonna refilm this right now.
I've never forgiven Ralph Fiennes for leaving you in that cave. No.
He should have stayed with you. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Alan is back on tour, I mentioned that earlier on.
Very excited about this.
You are midway through a tour, aren't you?
Because it started a while ago,
and you've taken a break, is that right?
Yeah, I toured last year.
And... Jonathan? It went really well. Good.
So we've put another 20 shows in September, October,
and it's called Think Ahead cos I have to now,
and I spend more time in the pharmacy than the gym,
that's the byline of this show. LAUGHTER
I did a show the other night, actually, in Glasgow,
and I always check,
there was somebody in the audience who was born in 2010,
that was the youngest person. Wow.
A 16-year-old, like your daughter, like my daughter.
And also, there was someone who was born in 1930,
so I have this entire... Wow!
Range of people, and I loved it.
But I feel like... Comedy's...
It's not just a young man's game, you know,
it's kind of a skill that you can mature
and you've got a better view of life,
the life you've lived and other people have lived,
whether it is illness or bereavement or having children
or talking about childhood trauma,
and all the things you can address more easily
as you're older, later in life, and that's what I am trying to do.
And you feel kind of...
How was I not talking about this so many years? You know. Yeah.
OK, we're gonna take another break.
Up next, we will be joined by Mawaan Rizwan,
who is an amazing human being. I'll see you after the break.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out here.
He is the BAFTA-winning star
of one of the most original sitcoms of the last decade.
It is called Juice. If you haven't seen it, make sure you do.
If you have, you'll know what I'm talking about.
It is the hilarious Mawaan Rizwan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come here! So amazing.
Hello. Hello.
Hello, hello, hello.
Mawaan, you look spectacular as always.
Thanks, man. Paid enough for it. Well, congratulations to you.
Nominated again for a BAFTA for Juice,
for the new BAFTAs coming up.
Won your first award for it in 2024, I think. Yeah.
Must have been a great night, I imagine.
Yeah, it was really shocking. It was really surprising.
I was like, I hope I get nominated for second series,
cos now I'm expecting it. LAUGHTER
Now I'm entitled.
I'm like, y'all better be there.
So this is nice. It is nice to be called back.
And did you take your mum to the ceremony?
I did. My mum was sat there.
I think it was the first time she really...
went, OK, do you know what?
Maybe it's all right you didn't go to university.
LAUGHTER You know what I mean?
She had sacrificed stuff to try and get you there, didn't she?
She sounds like a very good mother,
very devoted to you and your brother.
Yeah, yeah. She's a powerhouse of a woman.
She always was like, "Look...
"I made a lot of sacrifices to come to this country.
"You know how hard it is? Immigration in this country, like...
"You better not fuck this up."
So the pressure was unreal. Do you know what I mean?
Like, you know, a BAFTA really isn't enough.
So, how was she when you...?
It's not an Emmy, is it?
I've failed her, do you know what I mean?
I know that's on your radar. Yeah. Yeah.
My tactic with my parents is, yeah...
to get them on board with my career, I get them involved.
I got my mum in my sitcom, you know what I mean?
She has to support it cos she's getting a paycheque.
And... LAUGHTER
...I got my dad for this play I'm doing at the RSC.
You know, I went to this antifascist march on Saturday,
and my dad is there, like... He never leaves the house.
He loved it.
He's there with the Muslim aunties and uncles.
They're vibing along to, like, a trans DJ.
Brian Eno's there with a Choose Love banner.
It was amazing. But, Mawaan, hold on a second.
You said you got your mum involved by giving her part in your sitcom.
Yeah. You got your dad involved by making him go to a march?
Listen... That's not equivalent.
He got to meet Paloma Faith. LAUGHTER
He can't complain. And do you know what he said?
He was so happy, he was so gassed he met her,
and then he turned to me and went,
"She's one of the Spice ladies, yes?"
LAUGHTER
Whatever you need to tell yourself.
She's certainly spicy. Yeah, listen.
What was life like for you before your big break?
Cos you kind of created your own breaks, of course.
I think that would be fair to say.
What were you doing beforehand? What were your plans?
I used to actually work as SpongeBob at Westfield shopping centre.
Yeah! Some people know me from that.
LAUGHTER
I bet you were good SpongeBob.
It was weirdly the best acting I ever did cos no-one could see me.
You know what I mean? What...
You had to be all jolly. Inside, I was like... They can't tell.
LAUGHTER
Where are the eyes in that?
Are they in the middle of the sponge?
No, it was like the mouth. Oh, you're looking out of the mouth.
So it's massive, then, the head's massive?
Yeah, but what's lovely,
you're not even making eye contact with these people.
Do you know what I mean? They're looking above you.
I'm used to that anyway, 5ft8. That must be so weird as well.
Have you ever done any mascot or costume work, Katherine?
I mean...
I worked at Hooters for a long time.
That is like a mascot of the patriarchy, I guess.
I was good at that. No eye contact. It's the same.
LAUGHTER
So, I mentioned your mum a little bit there.
I know I've talked to you about this before, but it's amazing,
because your mum was a huge star, maybe she still is,
in Bollywood, wasn't she?
It was an Indian TV show she was on?
Yeah, so, we're from Pakistan,
but she speaks Punjabi, Hindi, all of it,
and she got spotted on one of my YouTube videos.
And, yeah, they flew her out to India,
and she got a lead role in this StarPlus drama,
which is their biggest channel.
No, don't whoo. LAUGHTER
I was like, me and my brother, we were at a service station once,
and someone was coming up to us, like, wanting to take a photo.
Me and my brother were placing bets on who it was going to be.
They got us to hold the bloody camera to take a photo of my mum.
I ain't getting commission on that, know what I mean?
That must be a nice thing, knowing you can talk to her about that.
I wonder if any of your children are going to follow in your footsteps,
Alan, either as acting or comedy?
My daughter might. She can act.
I sometimes think with acting, you either can or you can't.
And she can do it. She's been in a couple of plays.
She can sing a bit. She likes that.
My middle son doesn't want anyone to look at him.
I remember him saying when he was playing football once, he said,
"I don't wanna play on Saturday."
And I said, "Why not?"
And he said, "Because you shout... from the side."
And I said, "I won't shout.
"What sort of things do I shout that you don't want me to shout?"
And he said, "My name." LAUGHTER
Kristin, you have three children, I think?
I've got three children, yeah. Any of those...?
One who's... who...
fessed up that he wanted to be an actor when he was 28,
and he has become an actor, and he's a director as well
and he writes his own stuff.
It's fantastic.
And it's such a joy to give someone else the keys to the shop.
You know, it's really great. I love it.
And do you give him advice? Does he ask you for advice?
I don't give him advice, because once I did,
and got severely...
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
...reprimanded.
So, no, I don't give him advice.
I suppose there is a difference between giving advice
when someone thinks they are doing it perfectly or as well as they can,
or when they actually need advice.
There is really a difference between asked or not asked for,
and mine was definitely not asked for.
Stay in the cave, mum. Yes.
Stay in the cave, right, yeah. Yeah.
But, Mawaan, I was talking to Katherine earlier on
about her brilliant new podcast,
in which there is a health issue involved.
Have you dabbled in any modern health ideas,
health techniques?
Once, on a date, I got asked if I want salmon semen in my face.
What? Erm... I didn't know that was a beauty thing.
Hold on. Is it salmon semen, yeah?
It is, yeah. What does it do?
When you first told me that,
I thought you are on a date with salmon.
An underwater date. Yeah, yeah.
So a person on a date said,
"Would you like me to put salmon semen on your face?"
Yeah. I think they work in one of the clinics where they...
So they had salmon semen available?
Not there and then. Not in Wagamama.
LAUGHTER
So, you declined that generous offer.
Presuming it's expensive, I would've thought.
Yeah, it's not cheap, is it? No.
Yeah. I don't blame you.
Look, I'm open to anything, you know what I mean? But... Yeah.
Maybe in the future. Well, you know, Katherine...
Katherine is very open about this.
Recently, you've told everyone, and I really admire this.
It became a sort of news story.
You just had some more work done on your face.
"More" work done, Jonathan? You've just had some...
How dare you! You had some work done on your face.
I've had the only ever work done on my face, despite rumours. OK.
I dabbled in Botox and filler.
But then after I delivered my last child,
I decided to get a facelift.
Just to piss off my enemies. Well, you look amazing.
You looked amazing before. I know.
But I was... LAUGHTER
But I was amazed, because you bounced back really quickly.
How long after the procedure were you out and about again?
Well, I brought an eight-week-old baby to the procedure. Wow.
Which they'd never seen before.
They said I'm the only person
who came to a face-lift with a newborn baby.
I said, "I had to bring her. She's my goal weight, look."
LAUGHTER
I went home the next day,
and I did Christmas, I took the kids to Lapland,
I went to Christmas parties, I just carried on with my normal life.
And so you didn't have to...?
You don't have to have like months off to recover? No.
I mean, I was bruised-looking.
I mean, I wore a balaclava to a Christmas party,
which was unsettling for some of the guests.
Mawaan, so Mawaan is gonna be on stage.
And I've seen you do live comedy, and you're amazing.
I've never seen you do straight acting on stage.
Tell us about... This is a new version of...
It's The Resistible Rise Of Arturo Ui.
That used to be taught in school... You were laughing.
I said yes to a job so that I could come on here
and you could say the title. That was...
There's a lot of Rs in it. The Resistible Rise Of Arturo...
It went very well. You don't have to go back.
It's a mouthful for anyone, though. It is, it is.
Great cast with you as well. Why now? Why this play?
Yeah, it's an insane play.
It's a Brecht play, which is basically about the rise of Hitler
and how it could have been prevented.
You look weird on the poster.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
OK, so Mark Gatiss is there, playing
the name that I don't need to say again.
He's there, and you're playing one of his henchmen, aren't you?
Kind of a rough...
Yeah, I'm playing a psychopathic murderous Nazi.
Typecast again.
LAUGHTER
And as the play unfolds, you see a lot
of how the Nazi movement could have been stopped, but it wasn't.
OK, so it opens 11 April,
so it's imminent, it's only about a week away.
How far along are you in the rehearsals?
Are you comfortable with where you are now?
No. No. It's like...
It's beautifully scary, do you know what I mean?
I think every job I like to do,
I like to be just the right level of "shit in my pants" at all times.
LAUGHTER
Katherine, what about you? Have you done any stage acting?
I started in stage acting, in my small town, though,
and we did musical theatre.
But I quit. Because I was an Ugly Stepsister in Cinderella...
I liked those fun parts.
And one of the songs was...
♪ Her cheeks are A pretty shade of pink. ♪
And I was very serious, and I didn't swear, if you can believe that.
And I went on stage, about Cinderella.
And I said... And I was about six years old. Said...
♪ Her cheeks are A shitty paid of pink. ♪
And then I melted into the floor. And I cried, and I cried.
And people were angry, like I'd done it on purpose.
So maybe that... You know, I hate to pathologise it.
Maybe that's why I started doing it on purpose.
Got a big reaction. Yeah.
In a way, Alan and Katherine, you're used to it,
and I guess you are, Mawaan, as well.
When you're doing live comedy, there is interaction built in.
But in theatre, do people actually talk to you
as a character ever on stage?
There was one that was a little alarming.
I had a very long monologue, and I was halfway through it,
and suddenly this man shouted out, "Call a doctor!"
And I didn't know whether it was real or not
because there was always going-ons.
I just carried on.
And eventually I saw this woman in the wings, sort of waving at me,
and I didn't know whether that was to ignore the voice or to stop.
I just really didn't know.
And till I felt, in my waistband, this arm pulling me off stage...
So I was literally dragged off stage. Wow.
And what had happened? He was fine, the person.
Cos otherwise I wouldn't be telling you this story, right?
OK, we're gonna take a break, but afterwards, don't go away,
because we'll be joined out here by Sienna Spiro,
and she will be performing at the end of the show,
and she has an amazing voice.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out.
She's had huge hits both here and in America,
and that's before she's even had an album out.
It's the incredible Sienna Spiro.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Sienna. Lovely to have you...
How are you? Lovely to have you here.
Hello. Hiya!
Come and join us, Sienna. Oh, thank you.
Thank you for coming out here. Oh, thank you. Hello.
OK, so here's the amazing thing. You know, I've heard you sing,
and you have just an incredible voice,
and I know this song at the end of the show is gonna be amazing.
But you're just 20 years old. Yes, I am.
And you write all your own material as well. Yes.
When did you start writing songs?
I started writing when I was ten. Ten?
Yeah? And it was a song called Lady In The Mirror.
And I was a big fan of Michael Jackson, as you can probably tell.
So, Man In The Mirror, you thought Lady In The Mirror.
I thought I should take it.
And what kind of subject material did you find for songs at ten?
Cos not that much has happened to you yet.
No. I was bullied, actually. OK.
Oh, that was so sad! Sorry!
LAUGHTER I'm fine.
But that's... that's really interesting.
So something was happening to you,
and you found a way of kind of processing that via your songs.
Yes, I did. What sort of songs did you write about that?
Did you ever perform any of them as an adult?
Do you still do that in your set?
I performed it in front of them.
OK. Yeah, in assembly.
After they bullied me, I thought I'd sing it in front of them. Wow.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's incredible. I'm not sure...
I don't know why I did it, but I did.
The song you had, Die On This Hill,
that's probably, I guess, been your biggest success so far?
Yes. Would I be right in thinking so?
And that was inspired, I believe, by another song,
by someone else's song. Yeah.
I was watching... Sorry, I've never talked on TV before.
Have you never been on a talk show before? No, I'm nervous!
Is it your first time? Yeah, thank you for having me.
Well, thank you for coming on. Oh, thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well... I'm nervous.
You're doing great. Thank you. Sorry.
I was at home, and I was watching somebody play Bohemian Rhapsody.
And I thought I should learn Bohemian Rhapsody,
but I can't play the piano, really, so I was trying to learn it.
But it didn't really work out,
so then I ended up finding the chords for Die On This Hill,
and then I wrote half the song.
So by trying to play another song,
you then stumbled on a melody that worked. Yeah.
And it's become a huge hit for you. Yeah. That's amazing.
Great. Thank you, Queen. Yeah, Freddie!
And you're from the UK, here, but where are you based now?
Are you in the States now?
I'm not really based anywhere, to be honest.
I still live at home with my parents. Yeah.
Aw! That's very sweet.
Everyone keeps aw-ing me!
LAUGHTER
Don't... That's really patronising, guys. Yeah!
You know what's terrifying is when people say about your parents,
I'm probably old enough to be your parents' parent. No!
Yeah. No, I'm sure.
Although my nan loves you. Does she?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No, I'm not joking!
No, I was being serious. She really wanted to come.
You know what? I'll take it. She loves you.
I'll take it. She's probably ten years younger than me.
She loves you. Her name's Sheila, and she wanted to come.
Well, please give Sheila my love. I will. Hi, Nan.
You have such a lovely-sounding voice.
Even when you're speaking, it has a nice quality. Thank you.
Do you always sound this way,
or is it something you've developed cos of vocal stuff for singing?
I've got vocal nodules, so my voice is kind of fucked.
Sorry, I don't know if I can swear.
Well, you can say it... So you can still perform OK?
Yeah. It helps, actually. I like it.
Yeah. But it does mean I lose...
You sound like you smoke in a jazz bar, and you're cool. Like...
I wanna hang out with you, do you know what I mean?
Like, you're a good... Yeah.
And it's just nodules? Yeah.
Oh, shit. LAUGHTER
I thought I'd follow you off Instagram now.
LAUGHTER
You have to do all that, I guess. I guess you have to be aware of...
getting a big Instagram following.
Do you do stuff on TikTok? Do you...?
Are you, like me, on Facebook, very active?
Oh, I've never had a Facebook account before. I'm sorry.
But her nan has. Yeah!
And she follows you! You could be friends with Sheila.
What's your Nan's first name again? Sheila.
Sheila Spiro, Facebook, I'm looking you up.
LAUGHTER
She's active too. She's...
I don't know whether you should say that... No!
In this context. LAUGHTER
Oh, you mean...
You mean active on Facebook, or...?
OK, good, good. I'm glad we clarified that.
Although, always nice to know what you're letting yourself in for.
LAUGHTER
Sorry!
Let's change the subject, let's change the subject. Yeah.
Let's give your nan the night off. Mm.
You'll perform live for us this evening.
Would you like to say a bit about the song?
Yeah, the song is my new song, it's called The Visitor,
and it's a song about feeling temporary to people
and kind of about feeling in the back of your mind
of knowing you have an expiry date,
and I have a very big fear of impermanence
and things ending and people leaving and...
I don't know, the song is kind of like a...
story of my life, to be honest,
and I really love it, so I hope you guys like it.
I'm sure everyone will.
Sienna, it's been lovely having you on the show. Thank you.
Now's the moment we've been looking forward to. We'll hear you sing.
Yes. If you wouldn't mind going over there and getting ready?
Sienna Spiro, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I hope you'll join me in saying thank you
to all my guests this evening, ladies and gentlemen.
But now, with her brilliant new single, The Visitor,
it's Sienna Spiro.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
♪ We lay on towers
♪ On rented time
♪ I'm yours for hours
♪ You're always mine
♪ All things expire
♪ I know you won't stay
♪ But I seem to inspire
♪ You to say
♪ Say that you love me
♪ Say I'm all you need
♪ In the back of my mind, I
♪ Know I'm temporary
♪ You're holding me for the night
♪ For some pleasure
♪ If that's all we are
♪ Know I'll always be a visitor
♪ Mm
♪ In your arms
♪ Mm, mm-mm
♪ It's in my nature
♪ To be cynical
♪ I want to be remembered
♪ So I get hysterical
♪ I wanna be that one thing
♪ Something special to you
♪ Say you won't forget me
♪ But you always do
♪ Then say that you love me
♪ Say I'm all you need
♪ In the back of my mind, I
♪ I know I'm temporary
♪ You're holding me for the night
♪ For some pleasure
♪ If that's all we are
♪ I know I'll always be a visitor
♪ Mm, in your
♪ Arms
♪ In your
♪ Arms
♪ Oh, oh
VOCALISES
♪ No, no, no, no Nah, nah, no, no, no
♪ In your arms
♪ Say that you love me
♪ Say I'm all you need
♪ In the back of my mind, I
♪ Know I'm temporary
♪ You're holding me for the night
♪ For some pleasure
♪ If that's all we are
♪ Know I'll always be a visitor
♪ No-no, no, no, no
♪ Know I'll always be a visitor
♪ In your arms. ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com