CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello.
Hello, everyone. Thank you.
CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH
Thank you for coming. Thank you for joining us at home.
Good evening, everyone. Welcome to The Jonathan Ross Show.
And we have got a great programme lined up for you tonight.
Let's have a look at who's in my green room.
First up, a two-time World Heavyweight champion boxer,
who's won a whopping 28 out of his 31 bouts.
I'm delighted to have him here as my guest this evening.
It is, of course, the fabulous Anthony Joshua.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's a good-looking man right there.
Alongside him, a genuine superstar, who's conquered the world of film,
television, and has been in the pop charts for six decades.
It's the absolute icon that is Lulu.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you to Lulu.
Also on the show tonight, we have a true national treasure.
He's filmed on every continent on the planet,
it is, of course, Sir Michael Palin.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!
Thank you!
And that's not all. We've got more.
Joining them, we have a fabulous comedian.
He's a writer and a presenter as well.
He makes everything he stars in a joy to watch.
You know him, you love him.
It's Tom Allen. Very kind, very kind.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I hope that was flattering enough, Tom.
Plus... And I'm very excited about my next guest,
and I think you're gonna love her.
She's a comedian who, after only seven months working as a stand-up,
won a prestigious major comedy award.
She's now touring with her smash-hit debut show.
It's the very, very funny Laura Smyth, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Great to have you here.
Thank you for joining us.
And as if that weren't enough, we've got some great music tonight
from the band that recently won Best British Group at the Brits.
It's Jungle. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Jungle.
OK, so, before I get those fabulous guests out here,
one of my favourite stories of the week... And I don't know
if you saw this, but this is a very heart-warming, lovely story.
A good Samaritan was out walking
and found a hedgehog on the side of the road in Cheshire.
LAUGHTER Some of you've heard it.
It's a lovely story. She took it home,
she put it in a little warm box, gave it some cat food.
A little baby hedgehog, she's trying to look after it.
She put a bit of milk in there, spent the night nursing it.
Couldn't work out why the poor thing wasn't eating, wasn't moving,
was panicking about it. So, here it is.
Here's the picture of the hedgehog in the box, OK.
She took it to her local wildlife hospital
to see what they could do, and it turned out
what they could do was tell her that it was actually
a bobble from a hat... LAUGHTER
..and not a hedgehog after all.
But I mean, to be fair, you can see why she thought that.
I mean, she was probably
embarrassed, but just imagine the poor person walking around
with a baby hedgehog on their head, thinking that...
Shall we get on with the show? AUDIENCE:Yes!
OK. Let's get my first guests out here.
It's the fabulous Anthony Joshua and the equally fabulous Tom Allen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Bring it in.
I'm on tiptoe!
Do I get a hug?
Much easier. Easier to get my arms around. Come and sit down.
Come on. Do you want me to sit down?
Sit down, sit down, Anthony.
I just wanted to know what it was like to be tall.
Oh, what it's like to be tall?
Tom, I love the fact that you were basking in that, but let's face it,
90% of that was for Anthony. I know.
Well, look, congratulations, first of all, to Anthony.
Congratulations on winning your last fight against Francis Ngannou.
Yes. Thank you so much, thank you.
And it seemed like it was over quite quickly.
Yeah. Was it the second round?
Yeah. Did you expect it to be over that quickly?
You know, I was preparing for a ten-round, tough fight,
because the guy's a big, strong guy from a different field,
cos he's an MMA fighter, really. If anyone doesn't know what that is,
they use their elbows, knees and submissions.
And they're in a cage, aren't they? They're in a cage,
but it's a similar discipline. But he's a tough guy,
so I thought it would go the ten rounds,
but I thought I would still be victorious.
And it happened a lot sooner than I expected.
Cos you knocked him down in the first round.
Yeah. And he got back up, obviously.
And then, the second round, the punch you delivered,
that was a big blow.
Yes, it was. Thank God. Yeah, I love it.
When we talk about it, you're smiling.
Yeah, you love the thought you beat that man into the ground.
There's no extra time in boxing.
And believe me, he would do exactly the same thing to me.
He would if he could, but he couldn't.
That's right. Let's have a look.
Would you like to see this again? Go on, then.
LAUGHTER
Tom, would you like...? Did you see the fight?
I'd quite like to be taken out by Anthony Joshua.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
APPLAUSE
This is Anthony, doing what he does best,
in his last fight. Look at this.
It's so long, isn't it, from Ngannou, and heavy?
Yeah, that's why that right hand...
Oh, he's caught him again! And Ngannou walked right into it,
and you can't do that against Anthony Joshua.
Let's see if Anthony Joshua can...
Oh! Oh! And we have a champion!
And it's lights out. Whoa!
Anthony Joshua!
This right-hander's the biggest shot I have seen live.
What a right-hand that was!
Incredible! And you can see the leg completely buckled.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Anthony Joshua in action.
So, I guess, when you see someone go like that, you must think,
"OK, this is kind of over.
"Even if he gets back up, this is kind of over."
You can definitely gauge. The instinct...
Over the years, I've built that instinct to know
when someone is hurt but can come back,
and when they're completely finished.
Sometimes there is, what I believe is called
in boxing circles, trash talk.
Yes. Oh, I wouldn't like that.
You'll be a good trash talker. Do you think?
I think you'll be a very good... Sassy talk.
You look awful! Oh, what have you done to your hair?!
LAUGHTER
But does it get to you when you hear...?
Cos I know you know it's part of the game,
it's part of the showbiz element of the sport.Mm.
But does it ever get under your skin?
100%. When I go back to that gym, if I see someone
talking about my haircut and all that...
You've got lovely hair. You like my hair?
I couldn't talk, could I? Shout out to my barber.
Shout out to mine!
But, yeah, you take it personal and you meditate on it,
and you wanna punish them for what they said about you.
So, when Tyson Fury called you a silly sausage...
LAUGHTER
What do you think I felt? I wanted...
But I'm sure you've been called worse.
We've all been called worse than a silly sausage.
Of course, but this is one of my rivals.
Yeah. This is someone
I wanna compete with one day, so everything he says is, like,
I've got it all stored in the back of my memory,
and when the fight happens, I'm gonna use it as a little fuel.
Take that, you silly... Who's a silly sausage now?
Who's a silly sausage? Call me a bloody sausage, will you?
More like a banger! LAUGHTER
Oh, that's good!
Bangers and mash. Yeah!
Here's what will surprise you, I think...Yes?
And it may surprise you, it might not.
..is that we don't just have one boxer on the couch right now,
we have two. Where?
Well, there's only two people on the couch!
Oh! LAUGHTER
Trash talking, I see.
I can do that, don't worry. It's started!
Because, Tom, you have been doing boxing training for how long now?
I've been training for five years, actually.
Serious? And... Don't...
LAUGHTER
Oh, round of applause Anthony Joshua got for that.
LAUGHTER Yeah. I mean, it's a good start.
Yes, my friend Luke. And I say I do boxing training.
I basically pay a man to punch his hands.
OK. But it's very good exercise
and I really like it, so I've been enjoying it. Good.
And apparently, I've got quite a strong left hook.
Yeah?
But I'm not very good with an uppercut.
OK, but we can improve that. We can improve that. Easy.
It's ever so good because it's an all-over body exercise, isn't it?
Yes. Mind as well.
Mind. You've got to be good in your mind.
Everything is mental. Everything.
Everything is mental.
But I mean, it's amazing, actually, how all-encompassing it is.
I love the fact that you're telling Anthony how good boxing is,
like he doesn't know. What I think you'll like about it
is... "You should stick with it,
"because it's worked for me." That's right. Well, look at me.
Five foot, seven and a half.
Let me ask you about something which may surprise people
about Anthony, is that you're kind of interested in,
and it seems to be like you're open to investigating
alternative kind of culture, alternative medicinal practices.
Tell me about the retreat you went to.
I think it was in Canada, was it? This was in, um...
Oh, it was in Oregon. Oregon, that's right. Oregon, yeah.
I had five days off and I knew it was coming up,
and I was tired already.
And I wanted to go away, and it was a darkness retreat.
But anyone can say, "Oh, you could just turn off the lights
"in your bedroom and have a darkness retreat."
But is not quite the same, yeah? So, I went out to Oregon.
So, a darkness retreat... You go into...
They put you in a dark room?
Bedroom, but it has its own bathroom in it,
and then, it has a door where they can put food in,
but it doesn't let... Hold on. Were you in jail in Oregon?
LAUGHTER
I went and served five days in Oregon Jail.
Five days for a parking fine.
But it was completely pitch-black.
No sound, no communication with anyone.
So, basically, all your senses get shut down.
And so, you're there with your own thoughts?
Yeah. How many people do you think could do that in here? Not me!
No? No.
Well, we're gonna find out,
cos all of you are going straight from the studio...
LAUGHTER ..to Oregon for a month of darkness.
No, you know what? Many people couldn't, many people couldn't.
And I'm sure you learnt quite a lot about yourself in that time?
Yeah, definitely, definitely. It was phenomenal.
Good experience, and it was much needed. Would I do it again?
Cos I've experienced it once... It's harder than I thought,
but I'm stronger than I thought. Could you do that, do you think?
Could you spend five days in your own company like that?
No way! I think things like meditation...
I mean, I don't really know what it is, apart from breathing
and thinking about your legs. But do you know what?
I did download one of those mindfulness apps,
cos I wanted to zone out a bit and calm down.
I downloaded one of those mindfulness apps to teach me
how to meditate, and then, I forgot to cancel the free trial.
Absolutely furious! Never been more angry.
You've gotta pay the money every month.
So, now, I've got to pay for the bastard thing every month.
You're more stressed as a result of the meditation.
It's made me more stressed.
Tom is back with a brand-new tour, ladies and gentlemen.
That is reason to celebrate, isn't it?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's nice of you to say.
I think, last time you were on the show,
I think you were still living with your parents.
Oh, yes, Jonathan. Well, that's what this show is about.
And now you have moved out.
I've moved out at the tender age of 38 and a half.
Wow! I'm still at home with my parents.
Are you, AJ? Yeah, I'm still at home with my mum.
Wow! See? Don't take the piss out of him, do you?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Don't worry, don't worry. See?
OK, so, you moved out from your parents.
Where did you move to? Somewhere glamorous?
Just down the road, in Bromley. Oh.
AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS Way!
Where did you grow up?
Bromley. Oh.
So, very boring. But I like it cos it's boring, suburban.
Nice, though. But I like that. Leafy suburbia.
That must be near where you went to school as well.Yes.
Actually, I live on the same road that my old school was on.
Wow! So, I used to walk past this place
on the way to the bus stop, which I thought was nice.
Yeah.
And, you know, it's a nice connection to the past.
But then, I remembered what my old school was actually like. Yeah.
It was a comprehensive school in Bromley.
And I'll be there, taking the bins out, and I'll say to the kids,
"Would you mind not throwing your Monster Munch packets
"into my front garden?" And they'll say, "Oh, piss off, Judge Rinder!"
LAUGHTER
AJ, I wanna ask you, what do you think of this trend
at the moment of YouTubers entering the world of boxing?
Because Jake Paul is about to fight Mike Tyson.
Yes. What do you think about this trend?
Well, I personally think it's really good.
I think that the boxing hardcores, the boxing fanatics,
they don't like it because it's, like,
"Why are they disrespecting our sport?"
There's an Olympic system that you have to go through,
and once you've qualified there, you to go through
to the professional ranks. Whereas someone with a profile can
just come out of nowhere and fight one of the best guys.
But I think... Let's say we divided this crowd in half,
and you've got half of the people that are hardcore boxing fans
and half of the people that love a certain person that's into YouTube.
Like a YouTuber, yeah.
But that person brings all of these people into boxing,
which benefits everyone else that's involved in the industry.
Cos some of them might stay, not just for that match.
Yeah. They might get into the sport.
And it's a tough game, so everyone viewing helps, so I think
it's really good for people that need, like, some exposure.
And of that match between Mr Paul and Mr Tyson,
which one do you think is gonna win?
The only thing I'm worried about is Father Time.
That's one thing that's never been beat. And Tyson is older now.
But I pray that he comes out healthy, but I think...
I think Jake Paul, cos of the youth.
That's the only thing, cos of the youth.
When is your next fight? Has that date been set yet?
Around September is when I've been told. I was hoping June.
Yeah, you wanted an early one, didn't you?
I wanted an early one, but it's all right. I've got some time
to go on dates now and mingle for a bit.
WHOOPING
So, September. So, I'm training at the minute,
so I've got two months before I get into the place
where I go into a training camp
and you distance yourself from society for...
And do you know who it's against yet?
No. I think what they're saying is, be patient, because you've got
Tyson Fury versus Oleksandr Usyk,
all the belts, and then, once that's done, hopefully,
I can kick down the door and get my opportunity to fight one of them.
So, whoever gets all the belts, if you fight them and you win,
which, let's face it, you will...
And I know Tyson's been on the show...
He said... When I watched you and Tyson last time,
you said the same thing as well. I watched you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But I was watching you then, and I see you weren't in the right place.
Now, you are, so I'm now changing my mind...
OK, let's go. ..based on what I've seen tonight.
Yes. So, don't go away
because up next, we'll be joined by Lulu.
We'll see you after the break. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out.
I am beyond excited she's here,
because she is, quite simply, a musical legend.
She's met everyone, she's worked with everyone,
she's succeeded in everything she's done.
It is the phenomenal Lulu.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
Come on down, Lulu.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Lulu, as you're about to find out, but many of you know already,
has had the most extraordinary career,
and is just a phenomenal talent.
But one thing you kind of do have in common with Anthony here is...
Anthony, who do you consider to be the greatest boxer of all time?
For me, Muhammad Ali.
And guess which one of us has not only met Muhammad Ali,
but been to Muhammad Ali's house. You?
No! LAUGHTER
I wish!
That's amazing. No, Lulu. You spent some time
with Ali, back in the day. Yeah, there was a show that I did...
Wow! Wow! He told me...
He said I looked like I would have a good right hook.
There you go. But you can see I don't hit very...
What is it he told me to start with? Like that.
Guard up. Boof! Boof! Boof!
Yeah, there we go. Steady now. Don't bring that my way.
Showing off, sorry.
When you get really good, you don't say "boof" any more, you just do it.
Hey, here's exciting news. You can, if you're quick,
get the chance to see Lulu on tour.
It's called Champagne For Lulu,
and it's going on now until April 17th. Wouldn't that be amazing?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. As it says on the poster,
it's celebrating 60 years at the top of your game.
And this will be the last tour you do?
Well, I've decided... I mean, people have said to me,
"Oh, you're retiring?" And I went, "Christ, no! I'm not retiring."
Actually, I used a worse word than that. But I don't...
I don't wanna give up, but I don't wanna do it that way any more.
You know, I don't wanna tour, do my own tours.
Because 60 years in this business...
I was 75 in November, and everyone was saying...
CHEERING
That's amazing. No-one would think that.
Everyone was sort of saying,
"Well, are you gonna have a party? Are you gonna...?"
I mean, I have parties, believe me.
I have partied!
You know, in the '60s, '70s, '80s, '90s.
I don't really need to party any more. This is how I party.
So, Champagne For Lulu, I thought
was a great title. It is a great title.
And presumably, with a career of 60 years to pick from,
there'll be hits from every decade.
Do you mind singing the old songs again,
when people want the really early ones? Like, for example,
your first big hit when you were just 15, was 'Shout'.
Yeah. And then, you won the Eurovision...
CHEERING Lulu won Eurovision Song Contest
with 'Boom Bang-a-bang'. I hope we're gonna win this year.
Yeah, that would be great, if you think we've got a chance.Oh, yeah.
But will you play those? Yes, of course.
I think... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I think it's important to do the songs that people know.
I'm gonna have a few surprises, a few surprise guests.
Ah. But I haven't said who yet.
But if you just think of a couple of people that I've worked with
or that I know in this business... COUGHS: Gary Barlow.
SHE COUGHS
Will Gary be turning up?
You know, I think the thing is to say, no comment.
Robbie Williams?
No comment. I'm just sticking with my "no comment",
because I think it's more exciting and it's fun, and I've never done...
If anyone's seen me work before onstage,
we pulled out all the stops. This is gonna be different, but...
I don't think anyone thinks, when they're starting out
in whatever line they're in, that they'll still be successful
and able to do it in 60 years' time.
Obviously, in your line of work, you can't do boxing for that long.
No. But, AJ, how long do you reckon
you want to carry on boxing? Cos obviously, there is
a cut-off point in every professional sportsperson's life.
Yeah. I always said, like, 35.
I'm 35 in October, so I'm thinking about another two years or so,
if my body holds up. Cos obviously, the job, ground and pound, is tough.
But if I hold up... What's it called?
LAUGHTER
That was a club we went to, wasn't it, Tom?
A place I went to in Berlin.
Ground and pound. LAUGHTER
There are very few people... Yeah.
..who've been famous in show business or in the world of sport
and associated worlds in the last sort of six decades
who you haven't met, who you don't know.
I mean, tell us about working with David Bowie.
Cos Bowie wanted to work with you, didn't he? He sought you out.
He liked your voice, he respected your talent,
and he wanted to give you the chance to sort of do the most you could.
One of the very first beginnings of that was
when I was just a teenager, and I would be negotiating with, you know,
men in suits running record labels,
and they would want me to sing little pop songs.
And I thought I was Mama Thorton.
RASPILY:Yeah, get on, you know.
I didn't wanna sing those little pop songs.
And so, I would have a lot of tears and a lot of struggles.
When I met David, David said, "The labels..."
Meaning the record labels. "..they don't get you.
"They don't get your voice, either.
"I'm gonna make a fucking hit record with you."
Wow. I thought, "Well, we'll see."
But also, when he said that to me,
I kind of felt like I'd been heard and like I'd been seen.
Yeah. Because it's hard, you know,
to negotiate with people who've been in the business a long time,
and you felt instinctively... Shout was, like...
RASPILY:# You know You make me wanna... #
And I didn't wanna sing little songs that sort of went...
# La-da-di-da-da... # And they wanted me to sing...
Because you have that grittier voice, that raspy, that R&B,
that kind of, like, bluesy voice. Would you mind if I showed
everyone here a clip of you performing Shout
when it first came out? I think you were either 15 or 16 in this clip.
Oh, please. Can we, please, yeah? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This is amazing. This is Lulu when she was 15,
with her first big hit. Look at this.
# We-e-e-e-e-e-ll
# You know you make me wanna shout Shout!
# Look, my hand's jumping Shout!
# Look, my heart's thumping Shout!
# Throw my head back Shout!
# Come on now Shout!
# Don't forget to say you will Shout!
# Yeah, don't forget to shout Shout!
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Shout!
# Say you will Throw your head back, baby
# Say you will Oh, come on, oh, come on
# Say you will Throw your head back, woo... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Unbelievable! Amazing!
So, um...
But in a way, that was helped to become a hit, I believe...
Obviously, it's a great song and a great performance,
but the Beatles helped that
to become a hit, didn't they? I think...
I now realise that I had to thank John Lennon and Paul McCartney,
because you remember Ready Steady Go?
You won't have done. You wouldn't be born then.
But Ready Steady Go, there was nobody on the streets, nobody.
Everybody was at home. It was a huge event.
TV, back then, there were really only two channels people watched.
That's right! So, when there was a pop show on,
everyone watched it. That's right.
And Ready Steady Go was the pop show of its day.
I mean, everybody was at home watching, and John and Paul were on,
talking to Cathy McGowan, and she just said to them,
"So, do you have a favourite release this week?"
And they both said, "Oh, yeah, Lulu's 'Shout'."
Wow! Yeah. Wow!
You don't know what that meant. When everyone was at home watching.
That meant that they gave me the red light, you know.
"This kid is good," or whatever they said.
But you know, the funny thing was,
I was getting fish and chips at the time.
What was you doing out your house?
I was the only one on the street, you know.
LAUGHTER My brother was hanging out
the window, "Marie, Marie, hurry up! You're on the telly!"
LAUGHTER
It was an amazing thing
for John and Paul... Unbelievable.
So, I think, when they gave me the thumbs-up...
Yeah. ..I think that kick-started
my whole career, really. So, it was a huge hit immediately.
If we go back to some of the people you worked with.
Cos Bowie, obviously, gave you a future,
and you were in a relationship with him
for a while as well, weren't you? No comment.
LAUGHTER
Hold on, you spoke about this in your book.
Oh, that book was a load of drivel. Well, you wrote it!
The next one will be... will be the one.
But that was then.
But now, I feel that I can say things,
be a bit more insightful about who I am, what happened, who I was.
And the real story, be more vulnerable.
Things they say to me... Because of my...
"Have you got a man? Are you married?
"Are you dating?" They say. At my age.
But would you want to be with someone?
No, not really, I'm very happy.
I have found that I'm really happy on my own.
But, to be honest with you,
now, after having two marriages,
and I picked two good guys,
Maurice Gibb and John Frieda, two really great guys.
But, you know, I needed to get to know myself a bit more.
But you know, you've had highs and lows,
and there must be highs and lows in your world as well.
Presumably, the defeats will be the lows.Yeah.
But on a personal level, there must be times
when you feel that way as well.
Yeah, definitely, and that's where...
We spoke backstage, and I was, like, I've learnt to control my mental.
And I was saying it earlier,
but I've never let success get to my head...
Oh, it's so important. ..and I never let
the failures get to my heart. So, I just learned to keep balanced.
And in the morning, I have an intention.
So, I say, "I'm gonna have a great day, regardless.
"Bad sleep, bad mood, I'm gonna have a great day."
That's all you've got is that moment.
So important. That's all I've got.
APPLAUSE
It's a great philosophy. We're gonna have
another break now, but please don't go anywhere, because up next,
we'll be joined by Sir Michael Palin.
See you after the break. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show.
All of these fabulous people are still here,
but let's get my next guest out. He is a British comedy icon.
The always brilliant Sir Michael Palin.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
Whoa! I had that last week.
So lovely to see you again.
Come and sit down. Well, hello!
Hello. How are you? Nice to meet you.
Very nice to meet you.
This is your seat, sir.
Oh, how nice!
Mwah! Mwah!
Oh!
So lovely to have you back on the show.
Thank you for being here.
You two go way back. We do.
You appeared briefly in Monty Python, didn't you?
I did, with Ringo, I think.
Can you remember that? Was it Ringo?
Yeah. Well, I used to have this character called the It's Man,
who used to come out of the sea or somewhere really uncomfortable
at the beginning of the show, in tattered clothes
and a terrible beard, staring eyes.
And he'd crawl towards the camera, and he'd say, "It's..."
And John Cleese would then say, "Monty Python's Flying Circus,"
from the comfort of a desk in a nice suit.
And so, one day, we decided to give the It's Man his own show,
and we said, "What celebrities can we get on?"
But Python wasn't well-known at the time.
And thankfully, Lulu was one of them, and Ringo Starr.
Remember him? He was the other. Wow!
So, I staggered on, with the beard and the torn clothes,
and asked a few stupid questions. Well, you know what it's like.
I do. Well... LAUGHTER
You say you're 75, which is hard to believe, and everyone cheered.
But you've just turned 80, haven't you?
I've just turned 80. Woo, woo, woo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, that's wonderful!
That's unbelievable. ANTHONY:Unbelievable, yeah.
And still working and still travelling.
I don't get that at the medical centre.
LAUGHTER
You're 80? Get out!
Um... Yeah, I'm still travelling.
Before we talk about your new travel experience,
let me just ask you about boxing. Cos you strike me
as being more of a lover than a fighter. But are you a boxing fan?
Have you ever boxed yourself?
Um... Yeah, I have boxed,
and it happened at school, when I was at boarding school.
And they come round and sort of force you to do various sports.
Mm, yeah. And boxing was on, and they said,
"Palin, have you boxed before?" "Er, no, never."
"Right, you're in the school championship."
That's how it goes. So, that was how it goes.
So, I was written in.
And the first round, I really took it out of somebody,
and I realised I quite enjoyed it, which is worrying.
But anyway, knocked him flat, and they said,
"Very, very good. You're in the final now."
What's going on? There's no-one else in your weight.
So, you won?
No, the school boxer, I met in the final.
OK. Very nice man called Peter Bennett.
Yeah. He said, "Look, what we'll do..."
And he was a very good boxer.
He said, "We'll do the first round, just like this,
"and at the end, I'll give you a punch, quite a light punch,
"and you fall over and it'll be fine. That'll be the end of it."
But once I was actually fighting, I thought...
Hang on a minute. .."I quite enjoy this.
"You've got to do something."
So, when he hit me, I hit him back,
and so, I got into the second round of this fight
and he... Well, he hit me very hard
very early on and I staggered about.
And I've not returned to the ring since then.
Here's the thing, Michael has been travelling the world for our benefit
for 35 years now. Wow.
And mine. And yours.
First show was back in 1989, wasn't it?
Around The World In 80 Days. Yeah.
And interestingly, when you think about it now,
you can't imagine a better host, can you, for that kind of show,
than being in Michael's company?
But I discovered you weren't the BBC's first choice.
I wasn't the second choice, either. Or the third choice.
Or the third choice or... Or the fourth choice.
I was the fifth choice. He was the fifth choice.
Yeah. AUDIENCE:Aw.
Noel Edmonds... It's OK, he's over it now.
LAUGHTER
So, you've just come back on the new show,
which you can watch on Channel 5,
it's a three-part series of Michael Palin In Nigeria.
Wow! Which I believe...
I thought it was... Wow!
Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And I didn't realise
how dense a population... I thought it was 200 million,
but you were telling me earlier it's 220 million.
It's 220 million in Nigeria.
You know, you look on the map, and it's tucked away in Africa,
it's quite a small country,
but its population is 100 million more than Russia.
That's extraordinary. So, there are a lot of people.
And a very young population as well, isn't there?
Very young. Average age is 18. Wow!
But I thought, "Well, a country this big is gonna be
"so important for the future..." Yeah, yeah.
"..not just to Africa, but the world.
"You've gotta go and see it, see what it's like."
And when I got there, Lagos airport...
How was that? Shambolic.
It's unbelievable, isn't it? Utterly shambolic.
It's unbelievable. He's talking to Anthony here,
cos you know that Anthony has family from Nigeria.
Yes, yes. Your ancestry is...
My heritage, yeah. Wow.
It's great, yeah.
We went by car into Lagos for the first time
and, whenever you stop in the traffic,
the people come up and knock on the window and sell you something.
Yeah, yeah. And I was amazed cos, at one point,
there's toothbrushes and matches and cigarettes and things like that,
and one bloke comes up and he's got a pile of boxes of Scrabble
that he's selling. And he must've thought,
"Hello, white guy. White guy in car.
"He'll buy this. Get the Scrabble out."
He looks like a Wordle fan, yeah.
Did you buy it? No.
Why didn't you buy it? I couldn't get the window open.
LAUGHTER
Anthony, I imagine you must be something of a hero
in Nigeria, aren't you? It's fun when I go back.
If you said the airport is a shambles,
for me, when I get back and they see me, it's love.
It's good energy.
Mm.
But, yeah. See, that's me with the people, yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah, fantastic.
Yeah.
Really good energy. Yeah.
They've named a street or a road after you, I believe?
Yeah. So, in my dad's community, they've named a street after me,
and it's the only street in Nigeria that has a congestion charge.
LAUGHTER
I'm joking, I'm joking.
Let's go back to the show. As I said,
it is Michael Palin In Nigeria.
It's on Channel 5 on Tuesday from 16th April at 9pm.
And as you would expect from Michael, it's just a joy,
as well as being...
It's quite moving at times... Yeah.
..and also, very educational. Have a look at this.Yeah.
'Nigeria, an extraordinary country
'and a complex puzzle.'
This is exciting.
My first time in Nigeria.
'Known as the Giant of Africa,
'it's a place full of wonder and contradictions.
'I'm embarking on a 1,300-mile journey...
'..from the people in vibrant, hectic Lagos...'
This is the hotspot.
'..to the heat and rituals of the Islamic north.'
In this chaos, there's also harmonies.
'I'll discover the astonishing natural wonders...'
I didn't know what to expect, really, but I didn't expect this.
'..and experience what faith and devotion really means here.'
Whoa!
This is the kind of moment when you forget which country you're in.
'The extraordinary people of Nigeria are full of surprises.'
There's a kind of raucous celebration to the place.
This is Nigeria.
Wow. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It does look, um...
It looks very enticing.
It looks like a very exciting place to be.
Well, it is exciting,
and I just wasn't expecting that.
Lulu, you've travelled the world, you've toured all over.
Most interesting, most memorable places you've been?
Oh, I know that when I was very, very young,
I went to Poland. And I went with The Hollies,
and we were the first Westerners, you know...
So, was the Soviet Union still in place?
Influenced, definitely, because when we got there,
when we did the gig, there were guards everywhere.
Guards at the dressing room, guards around the stage,
and guards down the aisle.
And the crazy thing was that the guys would say every...
before we went on, "Do not excite the audience."
I mean, you've come to do a rock-and-roll show, you know.
It must be difficult with a song called 'Shout'.
Exactly. What did you change it to?
Murmur? LAUGHTER
But, Tom, you've been travelling quite a lot, I guess,
and you've been all over the world. Do you enjoy foreign travel?
Yeah, I love going abroad.
And I travel around this country a lot, which is nice,
and I get to go to places that we might not naturally travel to.
Barrow-in-Furness, for example.
Lovely place, actually. One of my favourite shows.
LAUGHTER
And I do really enjoy travelling abroad.
I had a lovely time in Japan a few years ago. Loved going to Japan.
I remember being in Kyoto, which is such a beautiful old city
and everything is so pretty, and I was walking round,
trying to find a traditional Japanese theatre,
and couldn't find it. Eventually, I stumbled upon this building
and it was all lit up, and I thought, "This must be it."
So, I slipped back the screen to go in, I was walking around.
Couldn't see anybody, though, and, eventually, this woman came out
in this beautiful, immaculate, traditional Japanese clothing
and make-up, and she looked very formal.
And she looked me up and down and she went, "This is my house!"
LAUGHTER Listen, I hope you'll stick around
cos I've got one more part to go,
and it's been so much fun spending time in your company.
Don't you go anywhere, cos up next,
we'll be joined by comedian Laura Smyth, and Jungle performing
at the end of the show. See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the show. Let's get my next guest out.
She has just embarked on her first headline tour.
I'm telling you, you're gonna love her.
She's a brilliant comedian. The hilarious Laura Smyth.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Stop! Stop!
Thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Come on, girl!
I feel like Nan on a cruise! Hi!
AJ. Oh, AJ!
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. Come and sit down, Laura.
Hello. Thank you.
Fabulous to have you here. How are we doing?
You look amazing. I love the glam!
I love a bit of glam. OK. We met before, because I did
a thing for ITV called the Comedy Club,
and I was lucky enough to have Laura on it.
And you did some material... You were working
as a teacher, then, weren't you? I was.
You still had your day job. Yeah.
And you got in trouble, didn't you? Shush, I did.
Yeah. It was lockdown, wasn't it? So, it was weird.
Thank you for my first telly experience.
My pleasure. Oh, I'm out of breath,
cos I was scared about walking in my heels.
LAUGHTER So, yeah.
What happened was... Cos we were all teaching from home.
But I went back and I got in a bit of a disciplinary over it,
because I did a bit of material, and I got pulled
into the headmaster's office, which is not as sexy as it sounds,
let me tell you,
especially when you're the only one that's taken their knickers off.
LAUGHTER
I read the situation wrong and I thought there was a vibe.
There weren't. It's all right.
No, no... LAUGHTER
What happened was, he played me the material.
This is true. I felt like a year 10 kid that had got caught
calling someone a slag on Snapchat, do you know I mean?
Anyway, so, he played me the material, and then, he paused it,
looked at me and he says, "Would you agree
"that this constitutes bringing the school into disrepute?"
AUDIENCE:Ooh!
I said, "No."
And then, he goes, "Well, what if I told you 52 parents had complained?"
I said, "Did they?" He said, "No."
I thought, "What the fuck are we doing here then?"
LAUGHTER
I weren't cocky. I was crying and snivelling.
And pulling my knickers up, if I'm honest.
No, but I did. Cos the joke that I had...
And it was a cute joke, cos it was about working from home.
The joke was, working from home is tough because you miss
all the fun and fulfilling things about work, like...
LAUGHTER
And then, I said, "Oh, I know.
"Slagging colleagues off to other colleagues.
"If you ain't got anything nice to say, meet you at lunchtime, babes."
It was a nice, neat joke.
A very neat joke and it IS a joke. Yes, I know.
With some truth at the heart of it, perhaps.
Of course, of course.
Michael, did you have real-world jobs
before you went comedy full-time?
No, I... When I was at Oxford, I got a job in the long vacation
selling encyclopaedias
to American troops in Germany. Wow!
We were told this is an absolute guaranteed way to make
a fortune during the summer, cos you go there
and there were these big American bases. This was the 1960s.
And they were all worried about the education of their children
as opposed to the Russian children, so you knock on the door,
and you say, "Hello, I'm Michael Palin from Oxford University.
"I'm doing..." You didn't say, "I'm selling encyclopaedias."
"I'm doing an educational research job."
And then, you would sell the encyclopaedias,
and I was just completely hopeless at it.
How many did you sell?
Er, three. LAUGHTER
But that was over a period of about eight weeks.
One of them, a man called Epivanko...
I remember his name to this day.
He defected to the Soviet Union... Wow!
..halfway through his payment.
He'd do anything to get out of that payment!
So, I didn't get the commission on that.
Laura, you're a parent of three children.
I am. You've got three kids.
One's 21, and eight and five. Yes.
The 21-year-old, sure,
but the younger ones, are they allowed to see you work?
Can they see your act? Aw! They have.
I always play Latitude Festival because they like it,
and I spend the whole fee on the helter-skelter for them.
But when they first saw me...
So, my Bonnie, my little one... middle one was
about six years old, and she saw me,
and she came running backstage afterwards and she went, "Seven."
I thought she was giving me, like, a Len Goodman score.
I went, "Seven?" She went, "You did the F-word seven times."
AJ, what about your little boy? Do you think sport is for him?
I think football, probably. He's how old now? Seven or eight?
He's eight now. Eight.
Yeah, crazy how fast time goes, honestly, honestly.
Yeah, so, he's massively into football.
LULU:Aw! That's a good picture.
Yeah, I'm still a big kid myself. I buy them for myself.
And he's been at some of your fights, hasn't he?
Yeah, definitely. I feel like the experience is...
I'm not doing it forever, so come down, have a good time
and experience it. Even the bad times, he's been there.
And what do you say to him when he's seen you box?
How do you explain to him what Daddy does?
I don't. You know what I do? I keep boxing...
It stops at the front door for me,
so I don't bring it into my house amongst my family and stuff.
Obviously, I do it, but I don't make them feel like that's what I do.
I'm just Dad, or I'm son
or brother, you know. That's what Tom's like with comedy.
When he goes home, he never makes anyone laugh.
Leave the house? I like how you leave it at the front door.
Your driveway must be a nightmare!
LAUGHTER
Bit of slapstick.
I'm excited that Laura's on tour.
This is your first big tour, isn't it?
First tour. You've supported people,
but your first big tour. LULU:Woo, woo, woo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Until October 27th. There's the poster for it.
Yeah. Get yourself some tickets.
It'll be a great night out. What can we expect on tour?
What kind of material are you doing at the moment?
Oh, this is it. I've had a real life.
I'm a mum, I used to be a teacher. You know, I'm from a big family.
It just all... It all happens, do you know what I mean? Life happens.
So, it's just, you know, everything. People feel seen by my comedy.
That it. That's what I like. You've got a very distinctive voice,
a very authentic voice. I am authentic, Jonathan, thank you.
Have you had any disasters on stage, though?
It's obviously going great now, but when you started off,
most comedians have either a few gigs or a few audiences
that it doesn't pan out the way they'd like it to.
No. LAUGHTER
No, of course. Shut up.
LULU:I love that!
But, no, no. I think I had a head start
cos I talk for so long, and that's learning about tough crowds.
I did... I was unwell. I had breast cancer, right?
No, I don't wanna talk about it. But, um...
LAUGHTER
But through chemo, I did a lot of CBD, and it made me a bit slow.
It's so good. I was on the good stuff.
This is the cannabis oil? Yeah, so it's all legal,
but I had quite a high potency.
And I thought that I was sort of slowing down.
People talk about chemo affecting them.
So, I thought, "Oh, I'm slowing down."
But my mum tried the CBD and went,
"The chemo is not slowing you down. It's that CBD."
So, I stopped that and I was all right again.
So, I thought it sort of affected my superpowers on stage,
but I just had to slow down the old CBD.
And so, the tour's gonna go now until October,
and then, do you have any TV shows lined up?
Cos I'd love to see you having your own show.
Yeah, that's what I would like, Jonathan.
LAUGHTER Thank you. Tell 'em. Tell 'em.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You've just got to make the most of every opportunity, ain't you?
But, yeah, I've just filmed QI. I've filmed 8 Out Of Cat...
8 Out Of 10 Cat... 8... No...
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown. How much CBD are you on there?
I know, I know. LAUGHTER
It's Anthony Joshua being on the same sofa.
I can't cope. I know.
And he's flirted with me before we started.
I wasn't gonna say nothing... LAUGHTER
I was gonna hold it down, cos my husband's in the audience,
but, you know...
You know what? You'll get a pass. LAUGHTER
Before we wrap up the show... And we've got some great music to come,
an amazing band, and this is gonna be an amazing end to the show.
But we mentioned, earlier on, Tom is hoping
to break out into professional boxing.Yes.
He has, apparently, a very solid left hook,
needs to work on the right uppercut.
Both uppercuts, actually, if you can.
Both? And Anthony's said... Maybe you'd give him a few tips.
OK. So, I got some boxing gear in.
If you'd like to go to what I'm calling the arena.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's go, champ.
What's this? A children's party?
OK, you start as a trainer. You need some gloves.
Yes. Can I suggest, though...?
Yeah, you gotta put these on. Oh, my... Don't be ridiculous!
You've gotta put them on. You've gotta put them on.
This is a very expensive suit, actually.
LAUGHTER
He should have this on more than I should.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no. This is how it is.
No, no, no, no.
But, Anthony, what if he fights dirty?
No, let me see, let me see... That's my arm part.
LAUGHTER
OK, here. You want your gloves? Do you want red or black?
Um, red, I think, will go better with my outfit.
Lulu, you wanna get involved in this boxing action?
No way, Jose!
All right, OK. So, give him a few tips.
What stance are you? Um, fourpaw?
Fourpaw? What's it called?
Southpaw.
Yes!
So, southpaw. Southpaw is like a bear, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
Orthodox means that you're that way. Orthodox is that way.
Yeah, southpaw is the other way. No, I'm orthodox.
You're orthodox? Orthodox.
OK, lovely. Don't do that!
Sorry! LAUGHTER
I haven't even hit him yet.
What do you mean hit? Anyway.
So, you wanna work on your uppercut, right?
Yeah. So, first, let's give me a jab.
Ooh, that was nice. CHEERING
Now, let's put a combination together.
So, you've got jab, right, left hook,
and then, the uppercut, yeah?
So, put them together, all right? Put it together.
Yeah, you're doing pretty well.
He's doing pretty well. Last one. Last one.
Let's put it together. Last one? Hang on a second!
I normally get 45 minutes! LAUGHTER
I need your best, yeah? OK.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Jab. Right. Left hook. Uppercut.
Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK. Well done, well done.
What's my best hook? I tell you what...
You know what? I want you to do something for me.
Give him one of the pads. Would you give Tom one of the pads?
I'll give you a left hook, yeah?
So, this is just to give you an idea of what you'd be up against
if you ever did go in the ring.
I've been in the ring a lot of times.
LAUGHTER So, get ready.
There you go, champ. Remember what I taught you.
LAUGHTER
Tom, hold them quite a long way from your face, I would advise.
I know what to do.
Just tell us how this feels.
That's the jab. OK, I know what...
That's the right.
LAUGHTER So, if you put them together,
it's like bang, bang.
Jab, right, left, uppercut.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come and sit down. Wasn't that amazing, ladies and gentlemen?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK.
But will you join me in saying
thank you to my fabulous guests this evening?
Thank you, Tom, Anthony, Lulu and Michael,
and, of course, Laura. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Join me next week, when we've got Frank Skinner, Johannes Radebe,
Little Mix star Perrie Edwards, and we've got music from Kasabian.
But now, with 'Back On 74', it's Jungle.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# You keep me walking On the same line
# When we get high on my break time
# And we're just watching From the same town
# But that don't change When it break down
# See, we were talking 'Bout the same crime
# No, it don't hurt When it rains now
# I learnt my lesson At the same time
# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Where did it go?
# Back on 74 When I noticed you
# Call this place my home Ooh, ooh
# Never gonna cry any more
# Where did it all
# Ooh Ba, ba, ba
# You keep me walking On the same line
# When we get high on my break time
# And we're just watching From the same town
# But that don't change When it break down
# See, we were talking 'Bout the same crime
# No, it don't hurt When it rains now
# I learnt my lesson At the same time
# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Where did it go?
# Back on 74 When I noticed you
# Call this place my home Ooh, ooh
# Never gonna cry any more
# Where did it all
# Yeah, let it go Ooh
# Let it go Ooh
# Ooh, let it go Ooh
# Let it go Ooh
# Where did it all go?
# Back on 74
# Call this place my home
# Never gonna cry any more
# Where did it all go?
# Let it go Ooh
# Let it go, ooh Ooh
# Let it go, let it go Ooh
# Let it go Ooh
# Where did it all go?
# Back on 74 When I noticed you
# Call this place my home Ooh, ooh
# Never gonna cry any more
# Where did it all go?
# Back on 74 When I noticed you
# Call this place my home Ooh, ooh
# Never gonna cry any more
# Where did it all go?
# Back on 74
# Call this place my home
# Never gonna cry any more
# Where did it all? #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com