1 00:00:02,011 --> 00:00:04,680 [heart beating] 2 00:00:04,763 --> 00:00:07,308 [cheering and applause] 3 00:00:36,587 --> 00:00:37,713 [man] We're rolling. 4 00:00:39,882 --> 00:00:41,341 Rolling what? What are we-- 5 00:00:42,551 --> 00:00:43,719 We're shooting this? 6 00:00:44,762 --> 00:00:46,096 Dude, we just shot that? 7 00:00:46,764 --> 00:00:48,223 Why wouldn't you say "action"? 8 00:00:48,891 --> 00:00:51,185 Leslie, Tim, one of y'all gotta say "action." 9 00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:52,895 I'm sitting here, looking stupid. 10 00:00:52,978 --> 00:00:54,730 That's not the look I'm going for. 11 00:00:54,813 --> 00:00:56,982 Come on, this is the start of my movie. 12 00:00:57,066 --> 00:01:00,778 I'm trying to give off pain and laughter... Laugh at my pain. 13 00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:05,532 [beeping] 14 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:11,330 Laughter and pain, that's what I'm going for. 15 00:01:11,413 --> 00:01:12,706 That's why we're doing this shot. 16 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:14,666 Just start the movie! 17 00:01:14,750 --> 00:01:18,295 -[heart beating] -[cheering and applause] 18 00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:20,672 [Kevin Hart] This tour has been unbelievable. 19 00:01:20,756 --> 00:01:22,299 We're 90-cities deep right now 20 00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:24,593 and each show has been a success. 21 00:01:24,843 --> 00:01:27,179 We're now in our last city of Los Angeles. 22 00:01:27,262 --> 00:01:28,847 Let's end it with a bang. 23 00:01:28,931 --> 00:01:30,474 We're looking at 15,000 people tonight. 24 00:01:30,557 --> 00:01:32,434 Put smiles on those people's faces, 25 00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:35,145 give everybody the strength and ability to do what they do best, 26 00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:36,146 and that's make people laugh. 27 00:01:36,230 --> 00:01:37,481 Everybody want to be famous! 28 00:01:37,564 --> 00:01:38,649 [all] Nobody want to put the work in. 29 00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:39,900 Everybody want to be famous! 30 00:01:39,983 --> 00:01:41,318 [all] Nobody want to put the work in. 31 00:01:41,401 --> 00:01:42,444 Everybody want to be famous! 32 00:01:42,528 --> 00:01:43,695 [all] Nobody want to put the work in. 33 00:01:43,779 --> 00:01:45,656 I'll say it one more time. Everybody want to be famous! 34 00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:46,990 But nobody want to put the work in. 35 00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:49,785 -Let's go, y'all. -Gonna put the work in. 36 00:01:50,828 --> 00:01:53,372 [Kevin] I've been on stages all over the world, 37 00:01:53,705 --> 00:01:56,208 but a different stage prepared me for this moment. 38 00:01:56,875 --> 00:01:58,293 Philadelphia. 39 00:02:00,212 --> 00:02:01,588 Come home with me. 40 00:02:03,382 --> 00:02:04,883 [hip-hop music playing] 41 00:02:04,967 --> 00:02:06,093 ♪ Uh-huh ♪ 42 00:02:06,802 --> 00:02:08,178 ♪ Phi-Phi-Philadelphia ♪ 43 00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:10,556 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 44 00:02:13,684 --> 00:02:15,269 ♪ Philadelphia Around and down ♪ 45 00:02:15,352 --> 00:02:17,813 ♪ That's my sound I've been around Town clown ♪ 46 00:02:22,484 --> 00:02:24,736 -♪ Clown or what? ♪ -♪ Uh, Philly funk ♪ 47 00:02:26,238 --> 00:02:28,574 ♪ It's the big city Mother-- ♪ 48 00:02:29,199 --> 00:02:30,993 ♪ Phi-Philadelphia ♪ 49 00:02:31,660 --> 00:02:33,120 ♪ Big city, uh ♪ 50 00:02:35,539 --> 00:02:36,498 ♪ Come on ♪ 51 00:02:36,582 --> 00:02:38,250 ♪ Philadelphia, come on ♪ 52 00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,797 Walk with me, see what I saw 53 00:02:43,881 --> 00:02:45,591 and live what I've already lived. 54 00:02:45,674 --> 00:02:47,968 My life, baby. We're in the streets. Philadelphia. 55 00:02:48,051 --> 00:02:49,720 I told y'all it's real, okay? 56 00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:51,972 Y'all don't think it's real. I'ma show you how real it was. 57 00:02:52,222 --> 00:02:54,600 Harry, duh, you didn't believe I was a thug. 58 00:02:54,683 --> 00:02:56,226 I'm about to show you, okay? 59 00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,769 Watch how much shit-- Watch this. 60 00:02:57,853 --> 00:02:59,605 Look over there. Watch, these kids know me right now. 61 00:02:59,688 --> 00:03:01,481 What up, yo? What up, kids? 62 00:03:01,565 --> 00:03:03,358 [laughing] All right. 63 00:03:03,442 --> 00:03:05,277 Everybody know me. Just turn the camera back. 64 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,946 What up, baby? I'm home. 65 00:03:08,947 --> 00:03:10,949 Dude, I know everybody. Follow me. 66 00:03:11,033 --> 00:03:12,784 Oh, that's my man. Charlie! 67 00:03:12,868 --> 00:03:14,912 Oh-- [laughs] 68 00:03:15,704 --> 00:03:18,373 So see this area here? See where it says "Ontario Street"? 69 00:03:18,874 --> 00:03:20,209 This was like a big street for me. 70 00:03:20,459 --> 00:03:22,211 When I was a kid, our school bus 71 00:03:22,294 --> 00:03:25,505 used to drop us off right here on this corner. 72 00:03:25,589 --> 00:03:28,300 What up, boy? I'm home, man. 73 00:03:28,383 --> 00:03:30,510 Hey, Jerry! [laughs] 74 00:03:30,594 --> 00:03:31,428 That's Jeremy. 75 00:03:31,595 --> 00:03:32,763 -Who? -Jeremy. 76 00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:33,847 -You said Jerry. -No. 77 00:03:33,931 --> 00:03:36,517 -I thought you said Jerry. -No, I didn't. 78 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,560 I definitely said Jeremy. I said Jeremy. 79 00:03:38,644 --> 00:03:40,437 He repping the block. That's what he doing. 80 00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:41,355 He's on a cell phone. 81 00:03:41,438 --> 00:03:43,857 No, he's repping-- A matter of fact, I'm about to rep this corner. 82 00:03:43,941 --> 00:03:46,151 Move, because y'all gonna mess up my rep right now. 83 00:03:46,401 --> 00:03:48,820 This is how you rep a corner hard in Philly. 84 00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:54,743 I was like 15. 85 00:03:54,826 --> 00:03:57,663 I was watching Eddie Murphy come out on the stage. 86 00:03:57,746 --> 00:04:01,083 And I remember the leather, the response 87 00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:03,835 to him being on stage and the crowd... 88 00:04:03,919 --> 00:04:06,547 I remember seeing so many people laugh at this one person. 89 00:04:06,630 --> 00:04:07,839 I said, "I want that response. 90 00:04:07,923 --> 00:04:09,550 I want that attention. I want that love. 91 00:04:09,633 --> 00:04:12,594 I wanna make people laugh the way that this man made people laugh." 92 00:04:12,678 --> 00:04:15,138 ♪ You-you-you-you ain't You ain't seen nothing Like that... ♪ 93 00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:17,391 My best friend, right here... 94 00:04:18,141 --> 00:04:19,977 Adam. This is Robbie. 95 00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:22,563 When I say my days were spent with these guys 96 00:04:22,646 --> 00:04:23,939 on the basketball court... 97 00:04:24,022 --> 00:04:26,525 Now y'all don't believe all the shit that I say about basketball, 98 00:04:26,608 --> 00:04:30,028 that I used to be good... These are two men that can confirm it. 99 00:04:30,112 --> 00:04:31,446 Adam, was I good or not? 100 00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:32,906 No. 101 00:04:32,990 --> 00:04:36,076 Robbie, was I good in basketball? 102 00:04:36,159 --> 00:04:38,704 You was okay, but you wasn't better than me. 103 00:04:38,787 --> 00:04:40,581 -No, you used to swim good though. -[Robbie] Yeah. 104 00:04:40,664 --> 00:04:42,082 They don't never talk about you could swim. 105 00:04:42,165 --> 00:04:43,208 No, no, no, no. Guys, 106 00:04:43,292 --> 00:04:44,501 I don't wanna talk about that right now. 107 00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:45,586 You used to swim at Marcus Foster's. 108 00:04:45,669 --> 00:04:46,753 [Kevin] I get that. I don't wanna-- 109 00:04:46,837 --> 00:04:47,671 You was fast. 110 00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:49,548 I'm not trying to-- I don't want people to know that side. 111 00:04:49,631 --> 00:04:51,717 I'm talking about me playing basketball right now. 112 00:04:53,802 --> 00:04:55,470 [Kevin] You know, my swim team was so huge, 113 00:04:55,554 --> 00:04:56,930 they actually made a movie about it. 114 00:04:57,014 --> 00:04:59,391 The movie Pride was based off of PDR, 115 00:04:59,808 --> 00:05:02,102 which is called the Philadelphia Department of Recreation. 116 00:05:02,352 --> 00:05:03,687 My swim team, you know. 117 00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:06,398 Young African-American kids all from the inner city, 118 00:05:06,481 --> 00:05:08,233 we got together and formed 119 00:05:08,317 --> 00:05:09,735 what I like to call something special. 120 00:05:09,818 --> 00:05:12,571 [all chant] 121 00:05:12,779 --> 00:05:14,281 [Kevin] We made history back then. 122 00:05:14,740 --> 00:05:16,033 Terrence Howard's character 123 00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:18,577 was actually based off of my swim coach Jim Ellis. 124 00:05:18,660 --> 00:05:19,786 [Ellis] Uh, it's a team, 125 00:05:19,995 --> 00:05:24,291 and so everybody gives up their individual goals, 126 00:05:24,374 --> 00:05:27,002 commits to one goal, 127 00:05:27,085 --> 00:05:28,587 and that's how we achieve. 128 00:05:28,670 --> 00:05:32,090 If you had to say the type of swimmer that I was, 129 00:05:32,174 --> 00:05:33,967 what would you say as a coach? 130 00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:35,927 What effort did I put forth in swimming? 131 00:05:36,011 --> 00:05:38,722 You put 100% effort out. You put 100% effort out. 132 00:05:38,805 --> 00:05:40,515 -Get the fuck out of here. -No! 133 00:05:40,599 --> 00:05:42,559 [all laughing] 134 00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:44,394 I used to work Thursday nights at the Laff House, 135 00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:47,105 which was pretty much-- It was a standard show, 136 00:05:47,189 --> 00:05:49,816 but I always allowed for open opportunities for new comics. 137 00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:52,611 So later that night, this little short guy walks up to me. 138 00:05:52,694 --> 00:05:54,446 He's like, "Yeah, I'm Kevin. Buck sent me." 139 00:05:54,529 --> 00:05:56,365 And I'm like, "All right. You know, what you want me to say?" 140 00:05:56,448 --> 00:05:58,658 "Just introduce me as Little Kev The Bastard." 141 00:05:58,742 --> 00:06:00,660 And I said, "That's what you want me to say?" 142 00:06:00,744 --> 00:06:02,037 Like, "That's the name you want me to use?" 143 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:02,954 He's like, "Yeah, yeah." 144 00:06:03,038 --> 00:06:04,623 His open-mike night was basically amateur night, 145 00:06:04,706 --> 00:06:06,291 where they held competitions. 146 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,460 He won it like six weeks straight, 147 00:06:08,543 --> 00:06:11,797 just with his energy, with his ambition, with his aggression. 148 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,174 And just coming in there week to week 149 00:06:14,257 --> 00:06:16,927 for a young comic with new material like Kev did, 150 00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:18,762 it was something to see. 151 00:06:18,929 --> 00:06:20,889 ♪ Let's rock Where we headed? ♪ 152 00:06:22,307 --> 00:06:23,683 [Kevin] This is where I started doing comedy, 153 00:06:23,767 --> 00:06:26,269 at the world-famous Laff House Comedy Club 154 00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:27,604 in Philadelphia, P.A. 155 00:06:28,563 --> 00:06:32,859 That's me at the age... That's 2002. 156 00:06:32,943 --> 00:06:35,404 Uh, I feel like there should be a bigger wall here 157 00:06:35,487 --> 00:06:36,863 with my face on it now. 158 00:06:36,947 --> 00:06:41,326 So if I can have a wall built possibly here 159 00:06:41,410 --> 00:06:44,413 that people kind of have to walk around, maybe. 160 00:06:44,496 --> 00:06:46,540 Back at the Laff House in Philadelphia, 161 00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:48,792 I once went past there from New York or whatever 162 00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:51,586 to see who was young, on the scene, who was coming through. 163 00:06:52,003 --> 00:06:53,422 And I seen Little Kev. 164 00:06:53,505 --> 00:06:55,298 And I'm like, "Wow, this kid is pretty talented." 165 00:06:55,382 --> 00:06:57,592 So I said, "Yeah, you're pretty good, man. You're pretty good. 166 00:06:57,676 --> 00:06:59,761 You can come hang out with me, young fella. 167 00:06:59,845 --> 00:07:01,263 I'm gonna take you to New York, 168 00:07:01,346 --> 00:07:04,724 you know, to understand how things work." 169 00:07:04,808 --> 00:07:06,268 We had a lot of adventures 170 00:07:06,351 --> 00:07:08,395 driving from Philly to New York, 171 00:07:08,478 --> 00:07:09,396 night after night. 172 00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:12,816 Seven days out of the week, nonstop. 173 00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:14,401 Back and forth, back and forth. 174 00:07:14,484 --> 00:07:16,361 Put a lot of miles on my sweet Ford Focus. 175 00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:19,197 We left Philly at about five o'clock in the afternoon. 176 00:07:19,281 --> 00:07:20,866 And sometimes we'd leave New York 177 00:07:20,949 --> 00:07:22,617 like at about 4:00 in the morning, 5:00 in the morning, 178 00:07:22,701 --> 00:07:24,202 drive back there to Philly. 179 00:07:24,286 --> 00:07:26,705 Keith Robinson was the guy that basically said, 180 00:07:26,788 --> 00:07:28,206 "Hey, you're funny, 181 00:07:28,290 --> 00:07:29,750 but you're not talking about nothin'." 182 00:07:30,167 --> 00:07:32,335 He said, "You know, you're on stage and you're just-- 183 00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:34,254 You're doing what you think people want to see. 184 00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:36,548 You know? But you don't have any substance." 185 00:07:36,631 --> 00:07:37,716 He said, "Who are you?" 186 00:07:37,924 --> 00:07:39,551 I'll never forget that when he asked me that. 187 00:07:39,634 --> 00:07:40,719 He said, "Who are you? 188 00:07:40,802 --> 00:07:43,972 When people leave, do they know you?" 189 00:07:44,306 --> 00:07:46,224 Start with what it is that you know about yourself, 190 00:07:46,308 --> 00:07:47,225 that's your strength. 191 00:07:47,309 --> 00:07:49,102 You can't be afraid of the truth. 192 00:07:49,561 --> 00:07:51,354 You know, if it happened, talk about it. 193 00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:55,358 That is when he started to really piece together a great set, 194 00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:57,694 because he started bringing in his personal life 195 00:07:57,778 --> 00:07:59,863 and not being afraid to use it onstage. 196 00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:03,200 [Kevin] People, this is where I used to live, right here. 197 00:08:03,575 --> 00:08:05,911 West Erie Avenue. In here it was just, uh... 198 00:08:05,994 --> 00:08:07,287 It was me, my brother and my mom. 199 00:08:07,370 --> 00:08:09,956 So my mom kind of made that space work for her, 200 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,083 put us in this environment and did what she could. 201 00:08:12,167 --> 00:08:14,127 You know, she made the best of our living situation. 202 00:08:14,211 --> 00:08:15,712 She wanted me to stay away from the streets. 203 00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:17,088 She didn't want me in the streets. 204 00:08:17,172 --> 00:08:19,132 So, you know, I was kind of the guy with the mom... 205 00:08:19,216 --> 00:08:20,300 I was a mama's boy coming up. 206 00:08:20,383 --> 00:08:21,551 My dad didn't live here with me. 207 00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:22,636 My dad was kicked out. 208 00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:25,931 My mom kicked my dad out when I was like four, four and a half. 209 00:08:26,181 --> 00:08:27,808 My dad was not allowed 210 00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:29,851 to go past that step right there. 211 00:08:29,935 --> 00:08:32,187 Coming up in Philly, he had to be thick-skinned, 212 00:08:32,270 --> 00:08:33,396 'cause he's short. 213 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,690 And when you're short and, you know, a target, 214 00:08:35,774 --> 00:08:37,442 he had to have quick response. 215 00:08:37,526 --> 00:08:39,444 So a lot of his initial comedy 216 00:08:39,528 --> 00:08:42,239 was snaps and retorts and coming back at people. 217 00:08:42,405 --> 00:08:45,367 Right now we're walking. We're walking my block, you know? 218 00:08:45,450 --> 00:08:47,869 This is the block that I used to walk through 219 00:08:47,953 --> 00:08:49,037 day in, day out. 220 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,413 I'm here to connect with the people. 221 00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:52,082 What up with you, pimp? How you? 222 00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:53,458 -Hey, thank you, man. -Good work, man. 223 00:08:53,542 --> 00:08:55,001 I appreciate you. What's up, baby? 224 00:08:55,085 --> 00:08:57,337 Oh, bye, sweetie. Take it easy. 225 00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:02,300 We're at my high school. 226 00:09:02,384 --> 00:09:05,011 That's right. This is where my education came from. 227 00:09:05,095 --> 00:09:05,971 This is where the brains... 228 00:09:06,054 --> 00:09:08,682 This is where books and stuff was beat into my head. 229 00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:11,142 This is why I'm the genius that I am today. 230 00:09:11,226 --> 00:09:12,602 High school is when you become a man. 231 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:15,063 It's where I became a man. I'm talking first kiss. 232 00:09:15,146 --> 00:09:17,607 I'm talking, uh, SATs. 233 00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:19,442 I'm talking basketball. 234 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:22,195 I'm talking, uh, football tryouts. 235 00:09:22,946 --> 00:09:23,905 You guys look at me and say, 236 00:09:23,989 --> 00:09:25,740 "Oh, Kevin probably didn't play any sports." 237 00:09:25,824 --> 00:09:28,702 Well, you're wrong. All I gotta do is find my name. 238 00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:31,079 Give me a second. Give me a second, 239 00:09:31,162 --> 00:09:32,706 'cause this is the showcase of champions. 240 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,333 Okay, I found it. Okay. 241 00:09:35,750 --> 00:09:37,377 In the middle of those two. 242 00:09:37,919 --> 00:09:39,212 That's obviously where I was. 243 00:09:39,588 --> 00:09:40,964 Because you can tell it fell. 244 00:09:41,506 --> 00:09:43,842 Somebody must've hit the glass so it came down. 245 00:09:43,925 --> 00:09:45,051 'Cause I remember when they put it up. 246 00:09:45,260 --> 00:09:47,470 Kev played four years of varsity basketball 247 00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:48,471 here at George Washington High. 248 00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:50,640 Did you hear what he said? Four years. 249 00:09:50,932 --> 00:09:52,809 He didn't say two. He didn't say one. 250 00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,436 That means ninth through twelfth. 251 00:09:54,519 --> 00:09:57,272 And keep in mind, I grew. Right now I'm 5'5". 252 00:09:57,355 --> 00:09:59,482 At the time I was like 5'3". [laughs] 253 00:09:59,941 --> 00:10:01,943 I'll knock out five jump shots right now. 254 00:10:02,027 --> 00:10:03,403 You'll get 'em. I mean, well, we'll see. 255 00:10:03,486 --> 00:10:04,946 -I'll hit five in a row right now. -We'll see. 256 00:10:05,155 --> 00:10:06,865 Hit me, Joe! Ha! 257 00:10:07,449 --> 00:10:09,367 See that form right there, people? Foul. 258 00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,536 Foul. That definitely was a foul. 259 00:10:11,620 --> 00:10:14,998 [Kevin] Dave Attell, great comedian, sees me perform one day. 260 00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:16,875 He said, "I'm gonna have my guy call you." 261 00:10:17,042 --> 00:10:19,336 Only person I knew to talk to about this was Keith Robinson. 262 00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:22,255 I said, "Keith, Dave Attell gave me his manager, 263 00:10:22,339 --> 00:10:24,049 and he was like-- He said to call him." 264 00:10:24,132 --> 00:10:25,926 So Keith's like, "Who is he?" I'm like, "Dave Becky." 265 00:10:26,009 --> 00:10:27,594 He said, "Oh, that's the real deal." 266 00:10:27,677 --> 00:10:30,597 My job really was to get him to Dave Becky, 267 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,474 to polish him up a little bit. 268 00:10:32,557 --> 00:10:34,851 He sent me a tape. And we get tons of tapes. 269 00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:38,188 And I think actually he's the only client I've ever signed off of a tape ever. 270 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:39,272 Years go by... 271 00:10:39,356 --> 00:10:40,357 Like a year and a half goes by. 272 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:41,566 He's my manager. I'm getting better. 273 00:10:42,150 --> 00:10:43,985 Dave says, "Kevin, we got action. 274 00:10:44,069 --> 00:10:45,946 You're getting offers to get a deal." 275 00:10:46,029 --> 00:10:47,489 I'm like, "Well, what kind of offers?" 276 00:10:47,656 --> 00:10:49,407 And he said, "Okay, just don't-- 277 00:10:49,824 --> 00:10:51,952 Don't think that this is bad. It'll get better." 278 00:10:53,078 --> 00:10:56,039 He says, "The first offer came in from CBS for $125,000." 279 00:10:56,539 --> 00:10:57,499 "What? 280 00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,210 What!" 281 00:11:00,502 --> 00:11:02,629 I'm 20. "What? Whoa! 282 00:11:02,837 --> 00:11:04,130 What-- Take it!" 283 00:11:04,839 --> 00:11:07,300 "No, no, no, you don't take that. That offer is shit." 284 00:11:07,384 --> 00:11:09,094 "What you mean that offer is shit? 285 00:11:09,594 --> 00:11:11,388 I call you back!" I call Keith. 286 00:11:11,554 --> 00:11:13,515 "Hey, man, I'm about to fire this guy. 287 00:11:13,682 --> 00:11:16,101 He's about to turn down $125,000. 288 00:11:16,393 --> 00:11:18,269 I don't have no fuckin' money, man. 289 00:11:18,353 --> 00:11:20,939 I need that. I need that check tomorrow." 290 00:11:21,523 --> 00:11:24,484 So Keith is like, "Stupid, let the man do his job." 291 00:11:24,859 --> 00:11:26,194 Kevin has faith and he listens. 292 00:11:26,277 --> 00:11:29,239 And you know, it's part of what I do is try to protect him 293 00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:30,365 and get what he's worth. 294 00:11:30,448 --> 00:11:32,909 [rap music playing] 295 00:11:33,201 --> 00:11:34,035 Here in Philadelphia, 296 00:11:34,119 --> 00:11:36,037 there's only one place you can go to get cheesesteaks. 297 00:11:36,121 --> 00:11:39,249 Max's cheesesteaks on Broad and Erie. 298 00:11:39,541 --> 00:11:40,834 Nothing compares. 299 00:11:43,086 --> 00:11:44,838 [inaudible] 300 00:11:47,048 --> 00:11:48,508 See, this is the love. 301 00:11:48,591 --> 00:11:51,136 Just take a look around. You gotta pan around. 302 00:11:51,219 --> 00:11:53,513 When you stay real, you stay genuine, 303 00:11:53,596 --> 00:11:55,140 you get a genuine reception back. 304 00:11:55,223 --> 00:11:58,518 From there to out here to all in the glass. 305 00:11:58,601 --> 00:12:01,062 It's all genuine love, man. That's why I love my city. 306 00:12:01,146 --> 00:12:03,064 There is no place like Philadelphia. 307 00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:04,190 All right, everybody. 308 00:12:04,274 --> 00:12:05,775 Who ordered cheesesteaks that's in here already? 309 00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:06,818 [woman] We did right here. 310 00:12:06,901 --> 00:12:08,611 All right, if y'all in here right now, 311 00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:10,029 y'all's cheesesteaks is on me. 312 00:12:10,113 --> 00:12:12,741 I'm gonna leave enough to cover everybody, and y'all tip, okay? 313 00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,159 [man] Thank you very much. 314 00:12:14,242 --> 00:12:16,619 Dude, this is me in my city, 315 00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:19,497 doing what I do, givin', lovin', 316 00:12:19,581 --> 00:12:22,250 receivin', bein' who I am. 317 00:12:22,333 --> 00:12:23,168 Shimmy. 318 00:12:23,251 --> 00:12:25,003 [upbeat music playing] 319 00:12:26,463 --> 00:12:29,841 Y'all, I'm out. I love you all. 320 00:12:30,091 --> 00:12:31,926 Take it easy. Oh, thank you. 321 00:12:32,010 --> 00:12:34,220 Y'all take it easy. See y'all later. 322 00:12:34,929 --> 00:12:36,681 I love Philadelphia! 323 00:12:36,765 --> 00:12:38,600 [all cheering] 324 00:12:40,685 --> 00:12:44,439 [Harry Ratchford] As a hard worker, he can go as far as he wants. 325 00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,149 We're gonna make history. 326 00:12:46,274 --> 00:12:49,194 I really admire the cat's, like, work ethic. 327 00:12:49,611 --> 00:12:52,030 'Cause Kev is really, really working hard. 328 00:12:52,322 --> 00:12:54,324 Hard work. He works very hard. 329 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:55,283 His work ethic. 330 00:12:55,366 --> 00:12:56,201 His work ethic. 331 00:12:56,284 --> 00:12:57,952 That work ethic, it means everything. 332 00:12:58,036 --> 00:12:59,579 And I really believe he has that. 333 00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:01,790 It's hard to even put into words 334 00:13:01,873 --> 00:13:03,833 how surreal and how proud I am of him. 335 00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,835 [soft music playing] 336 00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:13,551 This here... This here is my mom's sister. 337 00:13:13,635 --> 00:13:16,554 Uh, as you all know, my mom passed away five years ago. 338 00:13:16,638 --> 00:13:19,015 This is one of the important aunts right here. 339 00:13:19,098 --> 00:13:20,809 Willie Mae is what I call her. 340 00:13:22,018 --> 00:13:23,770 [Kevin] For me coming back right now, 341 00:13:23,853 --> 00:13:26,439 honestly, it's to say thank you 342 00:13:27,357 --> 00:13:28,399 for the upbringing. 343 00:13:28,483 --> 00:13:31,194 Like, that's why I come back and I say, "Hey, 344 00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:32,362 get everybody together for dinner. 345 00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,113 Get everybody together to be around." 346 00:13:34,197 --> 00:13:36,950 It's to literally say, "I owe y'all." 347 00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:39,702 Like, I'm the man that I am today 348 00:13:40,912 --> 00:13:41,955 because of y'all. 349 00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:43,623 It's not even emotional, 350 00:13:44,082 --> 00:13:46,209 and I don't want to get too sentimental, 351 00:13:46,334 --> 00:13:49,212 but without Mom being here, this is it. 352 00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:50,129 Like, this-- 353 00:13:50,213 --> 00:13:52,590 This is Mom 2, Mom 3, 354 00:13:52,924 --> 00:13:54,342 Mom 4, cousin. 355 00:13:54,425 --> 00:13:56,261 And I don't see y'all. Y'all don't understand. 356 00:13:56,344 --> 00:13:57,220 [woman] Let it out. 357 00:13:57,595 --> 00:14:00,849 I am where I am because of y'all. 358 00:14:00,932 --> 00:14:02,725 And that's me being honest. 359 00:14:03,351 --> 00:14:06,229 Tenfold, hands over fists. 360 00:14:06,312 --> 00:14:07,146 [woman] We love you. 361 00:14:07,230 --> 00:14:08,064 And I mean it. 362 00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:10,066 [all] Aww! 363 00:14:11,693 --> 00:14:13,278 [Kevin] Aw, it's a good moment. 364 00:14:13,361 --> 00:14:14,696 [laughter] 365 00:14:14,779 --> 00:14:15,613 All right. 366 00:14:15,697 --> 00:14:17,407 That's a lifetime moment right there. 367 00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:19,075 [Kevin] When you hear the title, "Laugh At My Pain," 368 00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:21,744 it's real. It's not a joke. You know, it's serious. 369 00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:24,706 And the jokes that you're about to hear come from a real place. 370 00:14:24,789 --> 00:14:27,917 And in that real place, it was a hurt place, you know? 371 00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,420 Uh, I'm just now at a point where 372 00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:32,297 I'm ready for people to see that side. 373 00:14:32,755 --> 00:14:35,341 And I think they're going to enjoy that side when they see it. 374 00:14:38,595 --> 00:14:41,556 -[applause] -[heart beating] 375 00:14:50,607 --> 00:14:52,317 ♪ Everybody stand up... ♪ 376 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,234 [hip-hop music playing] 377 00:14:53,318 --> 00:14:54,569 ♪ I've been on the top For a minute ♪ 378 00:14:54,652 --> 00:14:56,070 ♪ So no wonder Why it's cool ♪ 379 00:14:56,154 --> 00:14:58,948 ♪ I'm the dude That they hatin' on ♪ 380 00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:02,118 ♪ But, homie, you can't And haters just won't ♪ 381 00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:03,620 ♪ Let me continue Doin' me ♪ 382 00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:06,331 ♪ I'm so sick, I'm so ill Go ahead and call yo' mama ♪ 383 00:15:06,414 --> 00:15:09,667 ♪ I flow like H20 From Mexico, Tijuana ♪ 384 00:15:09,751 --> 00:15:12,712 ♪ My styles break ground Smoke y'all like marijuana ♪ 385 00:15:12,795 --> 00:15:15,715 ♪ Been carvin' out The Amazon Starvin' like piranhas ♪ 386 00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:18,635 ♪ People asking questions But I ain't the Dalai Lama ♪ 387 00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:21,721 ♪ Although my rhymes Do make your mind feel Like nirvana ♪ 388 00:15:21,804 --> 00:15:24,599 ♪ People love to hate me They call me a prima donna ♪ 389 00:15:24,682 --> 00:15:26,184 ♪ I can make love And hate mate ♪ 390 00:15:26,267 --> 00:15:27,644 ♪ And make a saint Out of Madonna ♪ 391 00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:30,438 ♪ I'm just doin' me, Yeah, neo Da Vinci... ♪ 392 00:15:31,522 --> 00:15:32,732 I know y'all can do better than that. 393 00:15:32,815 --> 00:15:34,525 Make some fucking noise, L.A. 394 00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:41,908 Yeah, cut it out. Cut it out. 395 00:15:43,117 --> 00:15:44,494 Whoa! 396 00:15:44,619 --> 00:15:46,079 [loud cheering] 397 00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:48,581 God damn, y'all look good in here. I can't even front. 398 00:15:48,665 --> 00:15:49,624 Y'all look good. 399 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:51,876 Give y'all selves another round of applause, man. 400 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,211 Y'all look fucking good. 401 00:15:53,294 --> 00:15:54,879 [applause] 402 00:15:56,130 --> 00:16:00,426 Now before we get started, I feel like I gotta be honest. 403 00:16:00,510 --> 00:16:03,012 You know, I don't like to lie while I'm up here on stage, 404 00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:05,348 coming out to the big applause, y'all standing up. 405 00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:07,600 A piece of me likes it. A small piece of me likes it. 406 00:16:07,684 --> 00:16:10,603 Another piece of me doesn't. I'm gonna tell you why, okay? 407 00:16:10,812 --> 00:16:11,646 Here's the thing. 408 00:16:11,729 --> 00:16:13,815 I feel like that's the type of shit that makes people go crazy. 409 00:16:13,898 --> 00:16:15,692 That's how you lose your mind. You come out, 410 00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:16,818 people are standing up, 411 00:16:16,901 --> 00:16:19,404 girls calling your name. "Oh, my God, no! 412 00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:23,950 Kevin, oh, my goodness, no!" 413 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,495 I don't like that shit. I'm afraid to go crazy, man. 414 00:16:27,578 --> 00:16:30,498 That's why I humble myself. I stay in my lane, people. 415 00:16:30,707 --> 00:16:32,417 I stay in my financial lane. 416 00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,627 Now let me explain what I mean when I say this, okay? 417 00:16:34,711 --> 00:16:36,129 Here's what I mean when I say "financial lane." 418 00:16:36,212 --> 00:16:38,381 Here's what happens. You start to make money. 419 00:16:38,464 --> 00:16:40,883 When you make money, you meet other people that make money. 420 00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:42,260 When you meet other people that make money, 421 00:16:42,343 --> 00:16:43,511 you want to hang out with these people. 422 00:16:43,594 --> 00:16:45,930 But naturally, you want to spend money the way that they spend money, 423 00:16:46,014 --> 00:16:47,223 but then you realize that you don't make 424 00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:49,892 the same type of money that these fucking people make. 425 00:16:50,685 --> 00:16:52,395 It's very true. That's why you've gotta stay in your lane. 426 00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:54,439 All right? Certain people I don't hang out with. 427 00:16:54,522 --> 00:16:56,316 Athletes? I don't hang out with athletes. 428 00:16:56,399 --> 00:16:59,277 I used to. I stopped. Let me tell you why I stopped. 429 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,363 Athletes don't respect money. How do I know this? 430 00:17:02,447 --> 00:17:05,616 From experiences. This is not a joke. This is a true story. 431 00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:07,827 I'm in Vegas with an athlete friend of mine. 432 00:17:07,910 --> 00:17:10,538 Keep in mind he's doing a lot better than me in life, okay? 433 00:17:11,581 --> 00:17:13,291 Naturally I want to keep up with him. 434 00:17:13,374 --> 00:17:14,417 So before we go out, he said, 435 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:17,253 "Kev, don't worry about nothing. I got you. Everything is on me." 436 00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:20,548 I said, "Hey, bitch, I'm a man. I'll pay for my fucking self." 437 00:17:20,631 --> 00:17:23,259 Okay? So we go out, 438 00:17:23,343 --> 00:17:25,428 he get a table. I got a table. 439 00:17:25,762 --> 00:17:27,889 He got bottles, I got bottles. 440 00:17:27,972 --> 00:17:29,974 He had bitches come to the table. 441 00:17:30,058 --> 00:17:31,809 I didn't have no bitches. I had my aunt. 442 00:17:31,893 --> 00:17:34,270 My aunt was with me. I'm not gonna call my aunt no bitch. 443 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:35,730 I love her too much. 444 00:17:36,773 --> 00:17:39,192 But regardless, we're having a good time, okay? 445 00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:40,777 I'm not gonna lie. I got the bill, 446 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:41,778 I didn't like it. 447 00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:44,655 Uh, you ever get a bill so high, 448 00:17:44,739 --> 00:17:46,991 you're trying to put it in the light like it's gonna change? 449 00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:50,411 "Hold on, wait a minute. Hold on. Okay." 450 00:17:51,329 --> 00:17:52,914 But I can't bitch about the bill. 451 00:17:52,997 --> 00:17:54,332 Reason why I can't bitch about the bill, 452 00:17:54,415 --> 00:17:55,666 'cause he didn't bitch about the bill. 453 00:17:55,750 --> 00:17:57,251 So there's just no way. I start talking to myself. 454 00:17:57,335 --> 00:18:00,004 I say, "Kev, just pay the bill. Pay it!" 455 00:18:00,088 --> 00:18:01,297 So that's what I did. I paid the bill. 456 00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:02,590 I go to my room. I go to sleep. 457 00:18:02,673 --> 00:18:04,175 Here's why I don't mess with athletes. 458 00:18:04,258 --> 00:18:07,220 The next morning, I wake up. My boy that I was with, he called me. 459 00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:09,555 He said, "Kev, yo, last night was crazy, wasn't it?" 460 00:18:09,639 --> 00:18:12,183 I said, "Man, I had a ball." He said, "well, guess what? 461 00:18:12,266 --> 00:18:14,936 We gonna do the same shit again tonight." 462 00:18:16,354 --> 00:18:19,649 I said, "I'm not gonna do it. I can't do it two nights in a row. 463 00:18:20,108 --> 00:18:22,527 Because the way that my bank account is set up..." 464 00:18:22,610 --> 00:18:27,323 You ever start explaining your financial situation 465 00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:28,783 for no reason at all? 466 00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:31,577 I said, "I would, but the way my bank account is set up, 467 00:18:31,661 --> 00:18:33,538 the thing is, I got a checking and a savings. 468 00:18:33,621 --> 00:18:34,872 But all the money is in my savings, 469 00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,749 so I gotta switch it to my checking, 470 00:18:36,833 --> 00:18:38,709 but it's gonna take three business days. 471 00:18:39,293 --> 00:18:40,795 I don't think it's gonna go through. 472 00:18:41,963 --> 00:18:43,631 I don't think it's gonna go through." 473 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:45,842 Athletes will mess your life up, man. 474 00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:49,303 They will. I'm telling you, I know this from experience. 475 00:18:49,387 --> 00:18:51,055 Dwyane Wade, that's a good friend of mine. 476 00:18:51,139 --> 00:18:53,266 I love Dwyane to death. Here's the thing. 477 00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:55,643 I can't hang out with Dwyane no more. I'll tell you why. 478 00:18:55,726 --> 00:18:57,645 Dwyane tried to fuck my life up. 479 00:18:58,646 --> 00:19:01,399 He did! Dwyane tried to make me buy a boat. 480 00:19:01,566 --> 00:19:02,900 I don't even have a fucking house. 481 00:19:02,984 --> 00:19:04,110 I said, "Hey, man, 482 00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,446 I don't think this is a good investment." 483 00:19:06,529 --> 00:19:08,990 He said, "Stop being a bitch. You got it. Ball out." 484 00:19:09,073 --> 00:19:11,492 I said, "No, no, no, I would, but here's the thing. 485 00:19:11,576 --> 00:19:13,703 The way my bank account is set up, the thing is... 486 00:19:14,078 --> 00:19:16,122 I got a checking and a savings, 487 00:19:16,205 --> 00:19:18,499 but all the money is in my savings. So I gotta switch it. 488 00:19:18,583 --> 00:19:21,544 It's gonna take too long. The boat might not be there when I get back." 489 00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:25,965 You can't hang out with everybody. 490 00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:27,800 I'll be honest, another problem of mine, 491 00:19:27,884 --> 00:19:29,969 I got too many financial fears. 492 00:19:30,052 --> 00:19:31,220 I get scared fast. 493 00:19:31,679 --> 00:19:34,432 Say my biggest fear when it comes to finances, my biggest fear 494 00:19:34,515 --> 00:19:37,602 is my credit card getting declined in front of people. 495 00:19:37,894 --> 00:19:39,979 I'm gonna tell you why. Here's the thing. 496 00:19:40,062 --> 00:19:42,064 It's not that I'm scared of my card getting declined. 497 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:44,108 I just don't like it when you announce it. 498 00:19:44,192 --> 00:19:46,861 Like, "Bitch, tell me. It's my card." 499 00:19:46,944 --> 00:19:49,780 Don't put on a show. Don't come out like, 500 00:19:49,864 --> 00:19:52,158 "Mr. Hart, uh-uh, didn't go through. 501 00:19:52,241 --> 00:19:54,744 I tried it three times. I even wiped it on my pants." 502 00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:57,663 "Bitch, gimme the card. Don't say all that. 503 00:19:57,747 --> 00:19:59,957 They don't need to know what you tried to do to make it happen. 504 00:20:00,041 --> 00:20:02,835 Gimme the goddamn card before I punch you in the fucking throat, lady." 505 00:20:02,919 --> 00:20:05,254 I'm not gonna do this. It's too much. 506 00:20:06,380 --> 00:20:07,423 Too much. 507 00:20:07,757 --> 00:20:09,091 I remember one time I got scared 508 00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:10,801 because I thought my card wasn't going to go through 509 00:20:10,885 --> 00:20:13,095 so I cut the waitress off before she even said anything. 510 00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:14,472 -"Mr. Hart--" -"Ah! 511 00:20:14,555 --> 00:20:15,848 Come here. Let me talk to you. 512 00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:18,643 No, come on this side. Let me tell you something. 513 00:20:18,726 --> 00:20:21,312 Listen, the way my bank account is set up, the thing is 514 00:20:21,979 --> 00:20:23,481 I got a checking and a savings, 515 00:20:23,564 --> 00:20:24,982 but all the money is in my savings. 516 00:20:25,066 --> 00:20:27,610 So I don't think it's gonna go through. Just give me a second." 517 00:20:30,112 --> 00:20:31,697 You can't hang with everybody, man. 518 00:20:31,989 --> 00:20:33,824 Like right now, we star-studded tonight. 519 00:20:33,908 --> 00:20:34,867 Celebrities all over the place. 520 00:20:34,951 --> 00:20:36,786 I don't fuck with y'all no more. I used to. 521 00:20:36,994 --> 00:20:38,621 I stopped. I don't hang with celebrities no more. 522 00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:39,539 I'll be honest with you. 523 00:20:39,622 --> 00:20:40,831 Celebrities will mess up your life too. 524 00:20:40,915 --> 00:20:43,084 Celebrities give you reality checks. 525 00:20:43,251 --> 00:20:45,628 How do I know this? From experience, people. 526 00:20:45,711 --> 00:20:47,463 Mekhi Phifer, another good friend of mine. 527 00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:49,215 I love Mekhi to death, okay? 528 00:20:49,298 --> 00:20:51,300 This is when I knew I wasn't making real money. 529 00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:53,761 Mekhi calls me. He says "Yo, Kev. 530 00:20:53,844 --> 00:20:56,472 Hey, my son's birthday party is Saturday. 531 00:20:56,556 --> 00:20:59,433 Your daughter the same age. I want you to come to the party." 532 00:20:59,517 --> 00:21:01,018 I said, "Okay. Where's the party at?" 533 00:21:01,102 --> 00:21:03,604 He said, "Disneyland." I said, "Done deal. I'm there." 534 00:21:03,688 --> 00:21:07,275 I get to Disneyland. Him and his son are out front. They're holding hands. 535 00:21:07,358 --> 00:21:09,110 I don't see nobody else at the park. 536 00:21:12,321 --> 00:21:14,323 I said, "Hey, uh... 537 00:21:15,658 --> 00:21:18,202 I thought you said that it was, you know, it was a birthday party? 538 00:21:18,286 --> 00:21:20,997 I don't see nobody else at the park. What's going on?" 539 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,124 He said, "No, no, dude. Here's the thing. It's just us. 540 00:21:23,207 --> 00:21:26,335 I bought the park out for like eight hours. We got it to ourselves." 541 00:21:32,383 --> 00:21:33,467 I said, "Wait a minute. 542 00:21:33,551 --> 00:21:36,554 What the fuck do you mean you bought the park out for eight hours?" 543 00:21:36,637 --> 00:21:39,098 He said, "It's just us. We can do what we want." 544 00:21:39,307 --> 00:21:42,476 I said, "Okay, real quick before I go in. 545 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:45,021 Did you pay for this already or are you looking for help? 546 00:21:45,104 --> 00:21:47,773 Because I'm not in a position where I can help you. 547 00:21:47,857 --> 00:21:50,318 Because the way that my bank account is set up, the thing is, 548 00:21:50,693 --> 00:21:51,861 I got a checking and a savings, 549 00:21:51,944 --> 00:21:53,446 but all my money is in the savings. 550 00:21:53,529 --> 00:21:54,864 I don't think my card is going to go through, 551 00:21:54,947 --> 00:21:57,033 unless you got jeans on because you gotta wipe it off." 552 00:22:00,328 --> 00:22:03,205 You can't hang with everybody, man. Stay in your lane. 553 00:22:03,289 --> 00:22:05,458 Stay in your financial lane. 554 00:22:06,167 --> 00:22:07,501 I'm not gonna lie, we went in the park. 555 00:22:07,585 --> 00:22:09,754 I ain't gonna lie to you. Me and my daughter, we had a great time. 556 00:22:09,837 --> 00:22:11,672 We got on rides five or six times in a row. 557 00:22:11,756 --> 00:22:14,091 Now, there was a point in time when we was in the park 558 00:22:14,175 --> 00:22:15,176 where I lost my daughter. 559 00:22:15,259 --> 00:22:16,385 I didn't know where she was. 560 00:22:16,469 --> 00:22:18,929 But I didn't panic when I lost her. The reason why 561 00:22:19,013 --> 00:22:20,556 is because we were the only ones in the park. 562 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,309 I knew eventually I would run into her again. 563 00:22:23,392 --> 00:22:26,395 So, I took that time to get on rides that she couldn't get on. 564 00:22:26,479 --> 00:22:28,689 'Cause she's only five, so she can't do everything. 565 00:22:28,773 --> 00:22:29,899 When I saw her, she was crying. 566 00:22:29,982 --> 00:22:32,651 I was like, "Come on, don't be a bitch. Like, don't act like that." 567 00:22:33,319 --> 00:22:34,820 That's what I said! I said that. 568 00:22:34,904 --> 00:22:36,947 "It's not your birthday. Today is not about you. 569 00:22:37,823 --> 00:22:38,657 Stop bitching. 570 00:22:38,741 --> 00:22:40,534 Let's get on some more rides. Let's go." 571 00:22:41,494 --> 00:22:43,788 We got on some more rides. We had a good time. We left. 572 00:22:43,871 --> 00:22:44,914 I said, "Baby, did you have a good time?" 573 00:22:44,997 --> 00:22:46,665 She said, "Dad, I had so much fun." 574 00:22:46,749 --> 00:22:48,626 I said, "Good. I had fun too." 575 00:22:48,709 --> 00:22:50,753 Now here's when reality hit. 576 00:22:50,961 --> 00:22:52,671 Let's fast-forward three months later. 577 00:22:52,755 --> 00:22:55,132 Three months later, it's my daughter's birthday. 578 00:22:55,216 --> 00:22:57,551 I throw my daughter a party at the house 579 00:22:57,635 --> 00:23:00,638 in the backyard like a normal fucking parent, okay? 580 00:23:01,806 --> 00:23:03,974 But don't get me wrong. I tried to go above and beyond. 581 00:23:04,058 --> 00:23:05,893 I really did. I had SpongeBob there, 582 00:23:05,976 --> 00:23:07,061 which is a big deal. 583 00:23:07,144 --> 00:23:08,854 Um, I had a pony. 584 00:23:08,938 --> 00:23:10,147 Kids could get on the pony, 585 00:23:10,231 --> 00:23:12,817 walk around the yard one time and get off. 586 00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:16,445 Uh, I had a bouncer. Kids get in the bouncer, jump around. 587 00:23:16,529 --> 00:23:17,947 Shit was nice. It was going good. 588 00:23:18,030 --> 00:23:21,242 Here's where it got bad. Me and SpongeBob got into it. 589 00:23:21,659 --> 00:23:24,537 I got mad at SpongeBob because he kept taking his helmet off 590 00:23:24,620 --> 00:23:27,456 and he was smoking cigarettes in front of the kids. 591 00:23:27,623 --> 00:23:28,833 I was like, "SpongeBob, 592 00:23:28,916 --> 00:23:31,210 don't take the helmet off, don't smoke no cigarettes 593 00:23:31,293 --> 00:23:32,962 in front of the fucking kids, okay? 594 00:23:33,045 --> 00:23:34,964 My kids think that you're really SpongeBob. 595 00:23:35,047 --> 00:23:37,550 SpongeBob on TV don't take his face off 596 00:23:37,633 --> 00:23:39,468 and show a black-ass face underneath it 597 00:23:39,552 --> 00:23:41,178 and start smoking fucking cigarettes. 598 00:23:41,262 --> 00:23:42,805 What the hell makes you think that you can?" 599 00:23:42,888 --> 00:23:45,391 Now when I get mad, I get physical. I get hyped. 600 00:23:45,474 --> 00:23:47,351 So I said, "Put the motherfucking helmet on, 601 00:23:47,435 --> 00:23:49,395 and put the goddamn cigarettes up, man. 602 00:23:49,478 --> 00:23:50,980 You don't be smoking those cigarettes out here 603 00:23:51,063 --> 00:23:52,523 in front of the fucking kids. 604 00:23:52,648 --> 00:23:55,192 Put the goddamn helmet on and put the fucking cigarettes up 605 00:23:55,276 --> 00:23:56,735 before shit get real out here." 606 00:23:56,819 --> 00:23:58,612 I was going off. Shit was real. 607 00:23:59,738 --> 00:24:00,948 Here's the thing that made it bad. 608 00:24:01,031 --> 00:24:04,201 Nobody told me that SpongeBob was fresh out. 609 00:24:04,493 --> 00:24:05,995 This nigga was fresh out of jail. 610 00:24:07,079 --> 00:24:08,706 Here's how I found out. He snapped on me. 611 00:24:08,789 --> 00:24:10,332 He said, "Hey, man, shut the fuck up. 612 00:24:10,416 --> 00:24:13,002 Fuck you and these ugly-ass kids." 613 00:24:13,085 --> 00:24:14,378 I said, "Well, goddamn." 614 00:24:14,462 --> 00:24:17,298 He said, "I just got out of jail for aggravated assault. 615 00:24:17,381 --> 00:24:19,925 I'm here to get a check. Once I get my check, I'm out. 616 00:24:20,009 --> 00:24:21,635 I don't give a fuck about these kids." 617 00:24:21,719 --> 00:24:24,638 I'm such a bitch, when I heard "jail," 618 00:24:25,139 --> 00:24:27,016 my whole attitude changed. 619 00:24:27,683 --> 00:24:29,643 As soon as I heard "jail," this is what I said, I said, 620 00:24:29,768 --> 00:24:32,480 "No, you're not listening. No, I don't-- 621 00:24:32,730 --> 00:24:35,107 I'm not saying that you can't smoke. You can smoke. 622 00:24:35,191 --> 00:24:37,776 I'm saying just don't blow it in their face. 623 00:24:38,611 --> 00:24:40,237 That's all I'm saying. Blow it up. 624 00:24:40,321 --> 00:24:43,324 Give 'em a chance to not have cancer is what I'm saying. 625 00:24:43,991 --> 00:24:45,951 I get it. You're stressed out. You want to smoke. 626 00:24:46,035 --> 00:24:47,495 Shit, gimme one. I'll smoke it with you. 627 00:24:47,578 --> 00:24:49,079 I don't give a fuck about these kids." 628 00:24:49,330 --> 00:24:50,956 I was so scared of SpongeBob. 629 00:24:52,666 --> 00:24:53,792 You know why? It was like... 630 00:24:53,876 --> 00:24:57,046 I didn't like the way SpongeBob was playing with the kids. 631 00:24:57,296 --> 00:24:58,547 Understand something, people. 632 00:24:58,631 --> 00:25:00,049 If you get a character 633 00:25:00,132 --> 00:25:01,550 to be at a kid's birthday party, 634 00:25:01,634 --> 00:25:03,010 you want to see that character 635 00:25:03,093 --> 00:25:05,012 be that character, okay? 636 00:25:05,095 --> 00:25:06,805 If I get Barney to be at my kid's party, 637 00:25:06,889 --> 00:25:08,724 I want to see Barney do some Barney shit. 638 00:25:08,807 --> 00:25:11,810 Slide around, you know? Hug the kids, sing a song, 639 00:25:11,894 --> 00:25:15,105 do the faces, make it look real. 640 00:25:15,481 --> 00:25:17,441 If I get Spider-Man, do some Spider-Man shit. 641 00:25:17,525 --> 00:25:20,361 Jump down the steps, do this shit in my son's face. 642 00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:25,449 Don't nothing gotta come out. Just scare the shit outta him. 643 00:25:25,533 --> 00:25:26,909 Make him think it's real. 644 00:25:27,618 --> 00:25:29,537 SpongeBob didn't do shit. 645 00:25:29,703 --> 00:25:32,039 Let me show you all how SpongeBob was playing with the kids. 646 00:25:32,248 --> 00:25:33,207 I look out the backyard window. 647 00:25:33,290 --> 00:25:34,500 I just want to check on the kids, right? 648 00:25:34,583 --> 00:25:35,793 I'm making sure everything's okay. 649 00:25:35,876 --> 00:25:37,795 I swear to you, I cannot make this up. 650 00:25:37,878 --> 00:25:40,839 This is how SpongeBob was running after the kids. This was all I saw. 651 00:25:40,923 --> 00:25:42,841 [weak growl] 652 00:25:42,925 --> 00:25:44,969 [laughing] 653 00:25:45,052 --> 00:25:47,763 "Go, little bitch. Go, little bitch, go. Ha ha! 654 00:25:47,846 --> 00:25:49,932 Go. Hey, bitch, you'd better bitch-run." 655 00:25:50,099 --> 00:25:51,392 He was calling the kids "bitches." 656 00:25:51,475 --> 00:25:52,851 Come on, SpongeBob. 657 00:25:53,852 --> 00:25:55,187 He wasn't playing none of the games right. 658 00:25:55,271 --> 00:25:57,565 He was playing "duck-duck nigga" with the kids. 659 00:25:59,358 --> 00:26:02,486 He never said "goose." He never said the word "goose." 660 00:26:02,778 --> 00:26:04,363 "Duck. Duck. 661 00:26:05,030 --> 00:26:06,031 Duck. 662 00:26:06,115 --> 00:26:07,449 Nigga! Go!" 663 00:26:08,367 --> 00:26:09,368 This little white boy was like, 664 00:26:09,451 --> 00:26:10,995 "No, no, I'm not gonna do it. 665 00:26:11,078 --> 00:26:13,247 I'm not gonna run. Nope, nope. 666 00:26:13,330 --> 00:26:14,164 'Cause if I run, 667 00:26:14,248 --> 00:26:15,583 everybody's gonna look at me like I said it 668 00:26:15,666 --> 00:26:17,001 and I didn't say it. I don't-- 669 00:26:17,084 --> 00:26:19,837 I'm not gonna take responsibility. No, I didn't say it." 670 00:26:21,213 --> 00:26:22,590 That party was bad. 671 00:26:23,299 --> 00:26:25,009 I'm gonna tell you what else was bad at the party. 672 00:26:25,092 --> 00:26:26,176 The bouncer. 673 00:26:26,260 --> 00:26:27,928 I don't recommend anybody to ever get a bouncer 674 00:26:28,012 --> 00:26:30,180 at a kid's birthday party. I'm gonna tell you why. 675 00:26:30,264 --> 00:26:32,558 Me, personally, I don't think it's safe. I really don't. 676 00:26:32,641 --> 00:26:34,768 The reason why, here's why I don't think it's safe. 677 00:26:34,852 --> 00:26:38,480 If a kid falls in the bouncer, no other kid gives a shit. 678 00:26:38,564 --> 00:26:41,567 Like nothing stops. Kids don't care. 679 00:26:41,650 --> 00:26:43,652 Like, literally, this little girl fell in the bouncer, 680 00:26:43,736 --> 00:26:44,570 I swear to y'all 681 00:26:44,653 --> 00:26:46,822 I saw every boy in there step on this girl's face. 682 00:26:46,905 --> 00:26:48,991 'Cause you know, when kids be hyper on that cake, 683 00:26:49,074 --> 00:26:50,576 there's an, "Ahh-ahh-ahh." 684 00:26:50,659 --> 00:26:52,411 This little boy was like, "Ahh-ahh-ahh." 685 00:26:53,245 --> 00:26:54,496 The little girl started crying. 686 00:26:54,580 --> 00:26:56,206 She was like, "No!" [mimics crying] 687 00:26:56,290 --> 00:26:57,458 But she was looking right at me. 688 00:26:57,541 --> 00:27:00,085 I said, "You better roll out. Roll out. 689 00:27:00,961 --> 00:27:02,713 I'm the same size as you. I'm not getting in there. 690 00:27:02,796 --> 00:27:03,922 I'm gonna get exactly what you got. 691 00:27:05,090 --> 00:27:07,259 I got little legs. I can't walk in that shit." 692 00:27:07,551 --> 00:27:09,094 You ever try to walk in a bouncer? 693 00:27:09,178 --> 00:27:10,721 "Hey! Hey! 694 00:27:11,513 --> 00:27:13,599 Hey! Y'all better sto-- 695 00:27:13,682 --> 00:27:15,976 Hey, let a motherfucker jump again, I swear to God. 696 00:27:16,310 --> 00:27:18,187 If I fall, I'm gonna punch the kid in the face." 697 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,357 You look like Bambi walking in that shit. 698 00:27:24,485 --> 00:27:26,695 The party was bad, man. I felt bad. 699 00:27:26,862 --> 00:27:28,864 I said I messed up my daughter's day. 700 00:27:29,031 --> 00:27:31,700 She just turned five and that's a big birthday for kids. 701 00:27:31,784 --> 00:27:33,535 Now why did I feel bad? 702 00:27:33,619 --> 00:27:35,954 I got in an argument with SpongeBob in front of her friends. 703 00:27:36,038 --> 00:27:37,665 Little girl got carried out in an ambulance, 704 00:27:37,748 --> 00:27:39,333 footprints and shit were on her face. 705 00:27:39,875 --> 00:27:41,835 I said, "You know what? I gotta do something nice. I gotta make it up to her. 706 00:27:41,919 --> 00:27:42,920 You know what I'm gonna do? 707 00:27:43,003 --> 00:27:44,296 I'm gonna get my baby a puppy." 708 00:27:44,380 --> 00:27:46,298 My baby was asking me for a puppy for the longest time, 709 00:27:46,382 --> 00:27:48,133 I never got her one. The reason why? 710 00:27:48,217 --> 00:27:49,885 I'm afraid of dogs. I don't like dogs. 711 00:27:49,968 --> 00:27:50,928 I'm not gonna lie to y'all. 712 00:27:51,011 --> 00:27:53,555 But I said I can't deprive my daughter of a childhood experience 713 00:27:53,639 --> 00:27:54,807 because of my fears. 714 00:27:54,890 --> 00:27:56,141 So I called my friend. 715 00:27:56,225 --> 00:27:57,643 My friend breeds Pit bulls. 716 00:27:57,726 --> 00:27:59,603 Now keep in mind, before you say anything, 717 00:27:59,687 --> 00:28:02,648 at the time I did not know what these dogs were capable of. 718 00:28:02,731 --> 00:28:05,025 So I said, "Hey, man, my daughter wants a puppy. 719 00:28:05,109 --> 00:28:06,318 Let her come over and pick out a puppy." 720 00:28:06,402 --> 00:28:07,236 He said, "Cool." 721 00:28:07,319 --> 00:28:09,822 My daughter gets there, and he comes downstairs with a little puppy Pit, 722 00:28:09,905 --> 00:28:11,156 a little dog in his hand. 723 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:13,617 My daughter sees it, she goes off because she's emotional. 724 00:28:13,701 --> 00:28:14,952 Everything is always over the top. 725 00:28:15,035 --> 00:28:17,079 She saw the dog, she was like, "Argh! 726 00:28:17,162 --> 00:28:19,832 Dad, I just want to love it with all my heart." 727 00:28:19,915 --> 00:28:22,543 I said, "Okay, come here. Sit down. 728 00:28:22,626 --> 00:28:24,420 In here, talking like you in Gone With the Wind. 729 00:28:24,503 --> 00:28:25,671 Sit the fuck down." 730 00:28:26,255 --> 00:28:27,339 I said, "Baby, you want the puppy, 731 00:28:27,423 --> 00:28:28,507 Daddy gonna get you the puppy." 732 00:28:28,590 --> 00:28:30,551 The reason why? 'Cause I held the puppy. 733 00:28:30,676 --> 00:28:31,927 Let me tell you how stupid I am. 734 00:28:32,010 --> 00:28:32,970 The reason why I bought the dog 735 00:28:33,053 --> 00:28:35,556 was because the dog smelled my palm and he licked it. 736 00:28:35,639 --> 00:28:38,475 So, in my mind, he familiarized himself with me. 737 00:28:38,559 --> 00:28:40,310 He knew me. He was my friend. 738 00:28:40,394 --> 00:28:42,604 He's never gonna attack me 'cause he smelled my palm. 739 00:28:42,688 --> 00:28:44,898 He knows how I smell. I'm safe forever. 740 00:28:44,982 --> 00:28:45,816 That's how I think. 741 00:28:45,899 --> 00:28:47,901 Now I bought the dog when he was this big. 742 00:28:47,985 --> 00:28:49,528 I left for three months. I came back to the house. 743 00:28:49,611 --> 00:28:51,447 I swear to God, the dog was the same size as me. 744 00:28:51,530 --> 00:28:53,198 I've never seen a dog grow this fast. 745 00:28:53,532 --> 00:28:56,618 Do you know how scary it is to live with a dog that you're afraid of? 746 00:28:56,952 --> 00:29:00,205 I gotta announce myself in every room I go in in my house. 747 00:29:00,789 --> 00:29:02,624 "Hey! 748 00:29:03,834 --> 00:29:05,085 Is he in here? 749 00:29:06,170 --> 00:29:08,338 Smell my palm, remember? You remember that day? 750 00:29:08,422 --> 00:29:09,465 When you were a baby? 751 00:29:09,715 --> 00:29:11,050 'I just want to love you with all my heart,' 752 00:29:11,133 --> 00:29:12,342 remember when I said that?" 753 00:29:12,718 --> 00:29:14,053 I can't even give the dog orders. 754 00:29:14,136 --> 00:29:15,596 Like I've been trying to tell the dog what to do. 755 00:29:15,679 --> 00:29:17,598 I start bitching out. I give him options. 756 00:29:17,681 --> 00:29:19,016 Everything starts off tough though. 757 00:29:19,099 --> 00:29:20,225 Everything starts off tough. 758 00:29:20,392 --> 00:29:22,269 "Hey! Get the fuck off the couch." 759 00:29:22,352 --> 00:29:23,228 Grrr! 760 00:29:23,312 --> 00:29:25,189 "Or come here. Let me show you something else. 761 00:29:25,397 --> 00:29:27,524 Come here. You wanna sit right there? 762 00:29:27,608 --> 00:29:28,984 Smell my palm, remember? 763 00:29:29,068 --> 00:29:30,611 I just want to love you with all my heart." 764 00:29:32,321 --> 00:29:33,781 I'm gonna tell you something about me though. 765 00:29:33,864 --> 00:29:36,408 Here's why I put myself in these situations, okay? 766 00:29:36,533 --> 00:29:38,202 I try to go above and beyond for my kids. 767 00:29:38,285 --> 00:29:39,119 The reason why, 768 00:29:39,203 --> 00:29:41,538 I don't want to make the same mistakes that my dad made. 769 00:29:41,622 --> 00:29:43,207 My dad did a lot of dumb shit when I was a kid. 770 00:29:43,290 --> 00:29:45,375 The reason why, my dad was on drugs. 771 00:29:45,459 --> 00:29:46,710 I have no problem with being honest. 772 00:29:46,794 --> 00:29:48,921 It's the truth. Now, when I say "drugs," people, 773 00:29:49,004 --> 00:29:50,839 I'm not talking about the soft stuff. 774 00:29:50,923 --> 00:29:52,758 I'm talking about cocaine. That's right. 775 00:29:52,841 --> 00:29:55,969 Smack, booger sugar, white girl. 776 00:29:56,053 --> 00:29:57,429 They got tons of names for it. 777 00:29:57,513 --> 00:29:59,348 Now when you first hear it, you're like, "What? 778 00:29:59,431 --> 00:30:01,517 Your dad was on drugs? That's crazy." 779 00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:03,102 It's not that bad. I'ma tell you why. 780 00:30:03,519 --> 00:30:06,605 There's pros and cons to growing up with a cokehead. 781 00:30:06,730 --> 00:30:08,107 One of the pros is, 782 00:30:08,190 --> 00:30:11,777 there's no such thing as a bad idea to a cokehead. 783 00:30:12,069 --> 00:30:12,945 Everything is the shit. 784 00:30:13,028 --> 00:30:14,738 That's why cokeheads always dance. You ever notice that? 785 00:30:15,239 --> 00:30:16,907 No matter what you say to a cokehead... 786 00:30:18,784 --> 00:30:21,120 All cokeheads hula hoop. I don't know why. 787 00:30:23,622 --> 00:30:26,375 Now one of the cons... One of the cons is... 788 00:30:26,583 --> 00:30:28,502 When you get high, you do dumb shit. 789 00:30:28,585 --> 00:30:30,546 I'ma tell you why I'm afraid of dogs. All right? 790 00:30:30,629 --> 00:30:31,880 My dad... When I was a kid, 791 00:30:31,964 --> 00:30:33,423 just like my daughter, I wanted a puppy. 792 00:30:33,507 --> 00:30:34,967 My dad never got me a puppy. 793 00:30:35,050 --> 00:30:36,260 One day my dad got high as shit. 794 00:30:36,343 --> 00:30:37,761 He came home, he said, "Look, boy, 795 00:30:37,845 --> 00:30:39,471 you've been asking me about this damn puppy. 796 00:30:39,555 --> 00:30:40,806 I went out, I bought you a puppy." 797 00:30:40,889 --> 00:30:42,558 I'm a kid, so I'm excited. 798 00:30:42,641 --> 00:30:43,517 I was like, "Where's it at?" 799 00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:45,727 He said it was on the porch. I go run out on the porch. 800 00:30:45,811 --> 00:30:49,231 It was a full-grown German Shepherd walking back and forth. 801 00:30:49,314 --> 00:30:51,817 This nigga stole a police dog, okay? 802 00:30:52,317 --> 00:30:53,277 I know it was a police dog 803 00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:55,654 because he had "K9" on his vest. I saw it. 804 00:30:57,197 --> 00:30:58,740 "At least take the vest off the dog, Dad." 805 00:30:58,824 --> 00:31:00,117 The dog is still on goddamn duty. 806 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:01,869 He didn't even let the dog finish the job. 807 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:04,955 Drugs make you do dumb shit, man. 808 00:31:05,455 --> 00:31:07,416 The stupidest thing my dad ever did when he was on drugs, right? 809 00:31:07,499 --> 00:31:08,417 When I was a kid, 810 00:31:08,500 --> 00:31:10,586 I remember my dad came to parent-teacher conference. 811 00:31:10,669 --> 00:31:12,671 That's when you go to your kid's school, talk to their teachers, 812 00:31:12,754 --> 00:31:13,881 see how they're doing in school. 813 00:31:13,964 --> 00:31:17,926 My dad shows up with sweatpants on with no drawers. 814 00:31:18,969 --> 00:31:21,305 His nigga dick was all over the place, okay? 815 00:31:21,388 --> 00:31:23,098 Listen, I cannot make this up. 816 00:31:23,182 --> 00:31:24,892 Let me show y'all how my dad walked into my school. 817 00:31:24,975 --> 00:31:25,809 This is all I saw. 818 00:31:25,893 --> 00:31:27,561 "Hey, Kevin!" 819 00:31:31,190 --> 00:31:32,357 [muttering] 820 00:31:38,739 --> 00:31:41,491 Every time he stopped, his dick kept moving. "Excuse me!" 821 00:31:45,579 --> 00:31:48,457 I could hear little girls like, "Ew! 822 00:31:49,291 --> 00:31:51,084 Ew." 823 00:31:51,460 --> 00:31:53,754 My dad got mad. "What the fuck is you illin' about? 824 00:31:54,213 --> 00:31:56,340 You ain't never seen nobody with a long dick?" 825 00:31:56,423 --> 00:31:59,218 "Hey, Dad, don't say that." 826 00:31:59,718 --> 00:32:01,178 "You gonna learn today. 827 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:03,972 You gonna learn what a long dick look like today." 828 00:32:04,056 --> 00:32:07,059 "No, Dad, she don't need to learn that. Please." 829 00:32:09,895 --> 00:32:13,440 Yo, my dad was crazy. My dad was really crazy, man. 830 00:32:13,982 --> 00:32:16,401 See, my dad was mad at me because I wasn't an athlete. 831 00:32:16,485 --> 00:32:17,861 I didn't play sports. 832 00:32:17,986 --> 00:32:20,697 I was into weird shit like spelling bees and debates. 833 00:32:21,073 --> 00:32:23,242 Now here's the thing. My dad would show up to my events 834 00:32:23,408 --> 00:32:25,869 and treat them as if they were athletic events. 835 00:32:26,078 --> 00:32:28,413 First of all, you can't cheer for no kid at a spelling bee. 836 00:32:28,497 --> 00:32:31,083 It's a spelling bee. It's quiet. I'm focused. 837 00:32:31,333 --> 00:32:33,043 I'm in the middle of spelling a very difficult word. 838 00:32:33,126 --> 00:32:35,671 My dad shows up late, busts through the back door, 839 00:32:35,754 --> 00:32:38,131 high as hell, making cokehead noises, all right? 840 00:32:38,507 --> 00:32:40,050 Once again, I cannot make this up. 841 00:32:40,133 --> 00:32:41,510 This is all I heard. 842 00:32:41,593 --> 00:32:42,928 I'm in the middle of spelling some shit. 843 00:32:43,011 --> 00:32:44,721 Out of nowhere, all I heard was, 844 00:32:44,805 --> 00:32:47,641 "All right, all right, all right! 845 00:32:48,725 --> 00:32:50,602 Yeah! 846 00:32:51,061 --> 00:32:54,314 My son's spelling the shit out of these motherfucking words. 847 00:32:54,940 --> 00:32:57,401 In your face, bitch! In your face! 848 00:32:57,818 --> 00:33:00,904 All right, all right, all right!" 849 00:33:02,656 --> 00:33:03,865 Shit that made me laugh the most... 850 00:33:03,949 --> 00:33:05,409 You see how y'all sitting next to people. 851 00:33:05,492 --> 00:33:07,786 I told you my dad never wore drawers ever. 852 00:33:08,829 --> 00:33:11,290 This is my dad getting to his seat. This is all I saw. 853 00:33:11,373 --> 00:33:12,582 "Excuse me." 854 00:33:20,132 --> 00:33:22,968 I could hear people like, "Oh, God, Jesus, oh." 855 00:33:23,844 --> 00:33:26,221 "What is it?" "I don't know. I don't know what it is. 856 00:33:26,305 --> 00:33:28,557 Whatever it is, it's loose. It's all over the place. 857 00:33:29,224 --> 00:33:31,560 It's gotta be a penis. I don't know what else it could be." 858 00:33:32,144 --> 00:33:34,688 My dad got mad. "That ain't no penis. That's a long dick!" 859 00:33:34,771 --> 00:33:37,232 "Hey, Dad, don't say that." 860 00:33:37,316 --> 00:33:40,319 "All right, all right, all right! 861 00:33:40,694 --> 00:33:41,903 You gonna learn today. 862 00:33:42,237 --> 00:33:44,865 You gonna learn what a long dick look like today. 863 00:33:45,198 --> 00:33:47,868 Hey, son, let me hear you spell 'long dick.'" 864 00:33:47,951 --> 00:33:50,704 "No, Dad, I can't. It's against the rules." 865 00:33:50,787 --> 00:33:52,497 "L-o-dick!" 866 00:33:52,581 --> 00:33:53,874 "No, Dad." 867 00:33:53,957 --> 00:33:56,585 "All right, all right, all right!" 868 00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:58,420 This nigga had his dog with him. 869 00:33:58,503 --> 00:33:59,421 [mimics barking] 870 00:33:59,504 --> 00:34:01,882 "No, Dad." The dog is on drugs too. 871 00:34:01,965 --> 00:34:03,258 "Dad, please." 872 00:34:04,801 --> 00:34:06,136 My goal is at the end of the show 873 00:34:06,219 --> 00:34:08,680 is to have all y'all saying that shit for no reason at all. 874 00:34:09,681 --> 00:34:11,058 For no reason at all. 875 00:34:11,433 --> 00:34:13,310 Next time your lady say something to you, just cut her off. 876 00:34:13,393 --> 00:34:14,311 It don't matter what she says. 877 00:34:14,394 --> 00:34:15,562 "Hey, babe--" "Shut up, bitch! 878 00:34:15,645 --> 00:34:18,273 All right, all right, all right! 879 00:34:19,149 --> 00:34:21,568 I'll make you suck on this long dick. 880 00:34:22,277 --> 00:34:25,655 You gonna learn today. You gonna learn today. 881 00:34:26,365 --> 00:34:29,701 All right, all right, all right." 882 00:34:31,411 --> 00:34:33,163 You gotta do the walk when you do it. Do the walk away. 883 00:34:33,246 --> 00:34:35,582 "All right, all right, all right!" 884 00:34:39,044 --> 00:34:41,463 You gotta do the bobble head. "All right, all right, all right!" 885 00:34:41,546 --> 00:34:42,589 "Shut up, bitch! 886 00:34:43,423 --> 00:34:44,883 You gonna learn today." 887 00:34:47,636 --> 00:34:49,721 My dad did a lot of stupid shit, man. 888 00:34:50,639 --> 00:34:54,267 See, here's the thing. I'm so happy that I was young when my dad was on drugs. 889 00:34:54,768 --> 00:34:56,937 The reason why I say that is because when you're young, you're naive. 890 00:34:57,020 --> 00:34:58,105 I didn't want to believe it. 891 00:34:58,188 --> 00:35:00,065 Everybody else knew my dad was on drugs, except me. 892 00:35:00,148 --> 00:35:01,483 I didn't never want to fucking believe it. 893 00:35:01,566 --> 00:35:03,485 People would tease me, I would just get emotional. 894 00:35:03,568 --> 00:35:04,861 I would get mad fast. 895 00:35:04,945 --> 00:35:07,531 The person who teased me the most was my own brother. 896 00:35:07,614 --> 00:35:11,201 He would always talk shit. "Kev, Dad ain't never coming home 897 00:35:11,284 --> 00:35:13,578 because Dad is on that shit, man." 898 00:35:14,454 --> 00:35:15,288 "You better shut up. 899 00:35:15,372 --> 00:35:16,498 You don't know what you're talking about. 900 00:35:16,581 --> 00:35:18,667 Dad went back to college. You don't even know. 901 00:35:19,126 --> 00:35:21,294 You don't even know where he is. He's in college." 902 00:35:23,380 --> 00:35:26,425 My message to y'all is don't ignore the signs, okay? 903 00:35:26,633 --> 00:35:28,593 If you think somebody in your family is on drugs, 904 00:35:28,677 --> 00:35:30,345 do not ignore the signs. 905 00:35:30,429 --> 00:35:31,888 Don't make the same mistake I did. 906 00:35:32,013 --> 00:35:33,974 I'll never forget this shit. It was my birthday. 907 00:35:34,057 --> 00:35:36,643 My grandma gave me a birthday card, I opened it up, 908 00:35:36,726 --> 00:35:39,771 $20 fell out. When the $20 fell out, my dad stepped on it. 909 00:35:39,855 --> 00:35:41,189 [grunts] 910 00:35:47,988 --> 00:35:49,781 I'm waiting for the joke to be over. 911 00:35:50,365 --> 00:35:51,408 This nigga's trying to slide out. 912 00:35:51,491 --> 00:35:52,492 "All right, all right--" 913 00:35:52,576 --> 00:35:55,370 "Hey, give me the goddamn $20, Dad. 914 00:35:55,454 --> 00:35:56,997 I saw you step on the shit." 915 00:35:59,833 --> 00:36:01,084 That's my dad though. 916 00:36:01,877 --> 00:36:04,337 The person who had no patience for this was my mom. 917 00:36:04,588 --> 00:36:06,298 My mom had no patience at all. 918 00:36:06,465 --> 00:36:08,049 My mom found out my dad was on drugs, 919 00:36:08,133 --> 00:36:10,469 she got mad, snapped on him, went off. 920 00:36:10,552 --> 00:36:11,636 My dad came home, 921 00:36:11,720 --> 00:36:13,346 she kicked my dad outta the house. 922 00:36:13,430 --> 00:36:14,639 Said, "You know what? That's it! 923 00:36:14,848 --> 00:36:16,141 I'm sick of this shit. 924 00:36:16,224 --> 00:36:18,185 You're not gonna live in my house and be on no damn drugs. 925 00:36:18,268 --> 00:36:19,436 You hear me? That's it. 926 00:36:19,519 --> 00:36:20,353 You're not welcome here. 927 00:36:20,437 --> 00:36:21,980 Don't come back to this house. 928 00:36:22,063 --> 00:36:24,232 You can come by, you can say hi to the kids, 929 00:36:24,316 --> 00:36:25,609 but don't bring your ass 930 00:36:25,692 --> 00:36:27,903 past the second step on the stoop, do you hear me? 931 00:36:27,986 --> 00:36:30,864 Don't come past the second goddamn step on the stoop." 932 00:36:31,156 --> 00:36:34,826 My mom turned my dad into the definition of a true stepdad. 933 00:36:34,910 --> 00:36:38,788 Like when I say my dad cannot come past the second step, 934 00:36:38,872 --> 00:36:39,748 I'm not bullshitting. 935 00:36:39,831 --> 00:36:42,709 But what made me laugh is he would still be tough about it. 936 00:36:42,792 --> 00:36:44,544 He'll come get us, but he'll talk shit. 937 00:36:44,628 --> 00:36:47,297 He was like, "Hey, Nance, tell the boys I'm here. 938 00:36:47,380 --> 00:36:49,758 Tell them to come outside." My mom got mad. 939 00:36:49,841 --> 00:36:52,135 She was like, "Don't you bring your ass past the second step!" 940 00:36:52,219 --> 00:36:55,138 "Bitch, I don't want to come past the second step!" 941 00:36:57,349 --> 00:36:59,768 Shit that made me laugh, no matter how mad he got, 942 00:36:59,976 --> 00:37:01,770 his legs never moved. 943 00:37:01,853 --> 00:37:02,854 "Bitch, I don't want to come 944 00:37:02,938 --> 00:37:05,106 past the goddamn second step, bitch!" 945 00:37:08,193 --> 00:37:10,237 This nigga did the hula hoop for no reason. 946 00:37:11,821 --> 00:37:13,782 "Dad, why you hula hooping? 947 00:37:14,199 --> 00:37:16,159 It's too much, Dad. That's too much." 948 00:37:18,578 --> 00:37:19,704 That's my dad though. 949 00:37:20,830 --> 00:37:22,791 My dad almost killed me one time. 950 00:37:22,874 --> 00:37:25,043 When I was younger, I couldn't swim. 951 00:37:25,418 --> 00:37:27,420 I didn't know how. My dad didn't believe me. 952 00:37:27,504 --> 00:37:28,922 This nigga argued me down. 953 00:37:29,172 --> 00:37:31,091 We had a pool. I'm sitting on the side of the pool. 954 00:37:31,174 --> 00:37:33,468 I got my feet in the water. [humming] 955 00:37:34,135 --> 00:37:36,179 I'm playing. I'm having a good time. 956 00:37:36,346 --> 00:37:37,931 My dad said, "Boy, you'd better stop playing. 957 00:37:38,014 --> 00:37:39,266 Get in that water and swim." 958 00:37:39,349 --> 00:37:40,892 I said, "Dad, I can't. I don't know how to swim." 959 00:37:40,976 --> 00:37:42,227 He said, "You know how to fucking swim. 960 00:37:42,310 --> 00:37:43,853 Get in that goddamn water and swim." 961 00:37:43,937 --> 00:37:44,896 "No, Dad, I'm serious. 962 00:37:44,980 --> 00:37:45,855 Nobody ever taught me how to swim." 963 00:37:45,939 --> 00:37:48,817 My dad picked me up, grabbed me and threw me in seven feet. 964 00:37:48,900 --> 00:37:51,736 As soon as I hit the water, I started to die immediately. 965 00:37:52,028 --> 00:37:54,155 [shrieking] 966 00:37:56,783 --> 00:37:57,993 This is why my dad's an asshole. 967 00:37:58,076 --> 00:37:58,994 This is what my dad said, 968 00:37:59,077 --> 00:38:01,162 "Hey, you better not fucking drown!" 969 00:38:01,246 --> 00:38:02,414 I said, "What? 970 00:38:03,873 --> 00:38:05,500 I don't know how to stop it." 971 00:38:06,918 --> 00:38:07,919 When I tell you that was the most 972 00:38:08,003 --> 00:38:09,045 uncomfortable ride home 973 00:38:09,129 --> 00:38:10,672 I've ever had with my dad in my life, 974 00:38:10,755 --> 00:38:12,591 keep in mind I almost died. 975 00:38:12,674 --> 00:38:14,092 Whenever you come close to death, 976 00:38:14,175 --> 00:38:15,302 you become traumatized. 977 00:38:15,385 --> 00:38:16,761 Hard to get that shit out of your head. 978 00:38:16,845 --> 00:38:19,306 I kept having flashbacks. We're in the car. 979 00:38:19,389 --> 00:38:20,348 We're driving home. 980 00:38:20,432 --> 00:38:22,017 I'm looking out the passenger window. 981 00:38:22,100 --> 00:38:24,144 I kept replaying that shit over and over again. 982 00:38:24,227 --> 00:38:27,022 I was like, "No. No! 983 00:38:27,355 --> 00:38:29,983 No, don't let me go, Dad. Don't let me go!" 984 00:38:30,066 --> 00:38:31,568 Every once in a while I would look at him. 985 00:38:31,651 --> 00:38:32,861 [whimpers] "Why don't you believe me? 986 00:38:32,944 --> 00:38:34,779 I told you I couldn't-- I don't know why." 987 00:38:35,363 --> 00:38:36,615 Don't make me laugh right now. 988 00:38:36,698 --> 00:38:37,991 This is exactly what my dad said to me. 989 00:38:38,074 --> 00:38:39,743 This is how my dad tried to make me feel better. 990 00:38:39,826 --> 00:38:41,202 This is exactly what he said. Look. 991 00:38:41,286 --> 00:38:42,954 Don't make me laugh. This is exactly what he did. 992 00:38:43,038 --> 00:38:44,873 He was driving, right? He's like-- 993 00:39:01,389 --> 00:39:03,141 "I almost lost you today, didn't I?" 994 00:39:03,224 --> 00:39:04,309 What? 995 00:39:05,226 --> 00:39:07,354 What the fuck does that mean, man? 996 00:39:10,607 --> 00:39:11,691 He's my dad though. 997 00:39:12,609 --> 00:39:14,152 I know you guys hear all the stuff that you hear 998 00:39:14,235 --> 00:39:15,862 and you guys are like, "wow, Kevin, that's messed up. 999 00:39:15,945 --> 00:39:17,197 It probably doesn't get any worse than that." 1000 00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:18,615 Well, you're wrong. It does. 1001 00:39:18,698 --> 00:39:21,368 Uh, let me tell you the worst person in my family. 1002 00:39:21,451 --> 00:39:23,536 The worst person in my family is my Cousin Al 1003 00:39:23,662 --> 00:39:24,496 and I'll tell you why. 1004 00:39:24,579 --> 00:39:27,999 My Cousin Al was on drugs too, but unlike my dad 1005 00:39:28,083 --> 00:39:29,584 Al found Jesus. 1006 00:39:29,668 --> 00:39:31,753 See, but Al's one of those people that found Jesus 1007 00:39:31,836 --> 00:39:35,131 and now that he found Jesus, he tries to throw Jesus on everybody. 1008 00:39:35,215 --> 00:39:36,299 You ever meet somebody like that? 1009 00:39:36,383 --> 00:39:37,842 For no reason at all they throw religion at you. 1010 00:39:37,926 --> 00:39:39,719 You did nothing to deserve this conversation. 1011 00:39:39,969 --> 00:39:41,971 No matter what you say, they bring up religion. 1012 00:39:42,055 --> 00:39:43,181 "Hey, good morning, Al." 1013 00:39:43,264 --> 00:39:45,600 "It is a good morning because Jesus woke us up. 1014 00:39:45,684 --> 00:39:48,520 Hello, boom. I love him. Do you?" 1015 00:39:48,603 --> 00:39:49,521 "What? 1016 00:39:50,063 --> 00:39:52,732 What the fuck does that have to do with anything, man? 1017 00:39:52,816 --> 00:39:54,109 I'm trying to play basketball. 1018 00:39:54,192 --> 00:39:55,777 This ain't got shit to do with nothing." 1019 00:39:56,903 --> 00:40:00,115 Al got mad at me because I live in L.A. 1020 00:40:00,490 --> 00:40:02,575 He said, "Kevin, you out here in Hollywood 1021 00:40:02,659 --> 00:40:04,369 doing God knows what. 1022 00:40:04,577 --> 00:40:07,122 Sex? Drugs? 1023 00:40:07,288 --> 00:40:09,749 Money? Lord knows what you're into. 1024 00:40:09,833 --> 00:40:11,084 You need to get a relationship with God." 1025 00:40:11,167 --> 00:40:13,211 I said, "Don't talk to me about God. I'm fine, okay? 1026 00:40:13,294 --> 00:40:14,337 You the one who's on drugs. 1027 00:40:14,421 --> 00:40:15,839 You get a relationship with God." 1028 00:40:15,922 --> 00:40:17,924 He got mad. Now anytime he get mad, 1029 00:40:18,007 --> 00:40:20,176 he always gotta bring up some dark shit from his past 1030 00:40:20,260 --> 00:40:21,344 that nobody needs to know. 1031 00:40:21,428 --> 00:40:22,387 Outta nowhere he says, 1032 00:40:22,470 --> 00:40:24,514 "Kevin, let me tell you something. I know I was on drugs, 1033 00:40:24,597 --> 00:40:26,307 but I found Jesus. 1034 00:40:26,391 --> 00:40:27,642 Granted I didn't know him 1035 00:40:27,726 --> 00:40:29,561 when I was out there sucking dick for money, 1036 00:40:29,644 --> 00:40:30,770 but I'll tell you something..." 1037 00:40:30,854 --> 00:40:34,274 I said, "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 1038 00:40:35,191 --> 00:40:36,484 Who-- Wait-- First of all, 1039 00:40:36,568 --> 00:40:37,736 you're not gonna speed past that 1040 00:40:37,819 --> 00:40:39,612 like you didn't just say what you just said." 1041 00:40:40,155 --> 00:40:42,490 I said, "What was this? What year was this? 1042 00:40:42,615 --> 00:40:45,618 He said, "It was in the '80s. Everybody was doing it." 1043 00:40:45,910 --> 00:40:47,787 This is the shit that pissed me off. He said, 1044 00:40:47,871 --> 00:40:49,164 "Your dad was back there with me." 1045 00:40:49,247 --> 00:40:50,623 I said, "What?" 1046 00:40:51,624 --> 00:40:55,378 My dad was like, "All right, all right, all right. 1047 00:40:55,754 --> 00:40:57,630 Hey, you gonna learn today." 1048 00:40:57,714 --> 00:40:59,549 "Uh, no the fuck I'm not. 1049 00:41:00,049 --> 00:41:02,010 You gonna keep that lesson to yourself." 1050 00:41:03,553 --> 00:41:05,221 I told my dad to go get one cup 1051 00:41:05,305 --> 00:41:07,557 and put your name on it. "That is your cup. 1052 00:41:08,057 --> 00:41:10,185 Ain't gonna drink out of another goddamn glass in this house. 1053 00:41:10,268 --> 00:41:11,269 That's it for you." 1054 00:41:11,895 --> 00:41:13,062 [chuckles] 1055 00:41:15,565 --> 00:41:16,649 Al... 1056 00:41:16,983 --> 00:41:18,818 Al was a different ballgame, man. 1057 00:41:19,152 --> 00:41:22,322 Al single-handedly destroyed my mom's funeral. 1058 00:41:22,614 --> 00:41:24,282 Al... Here's the thing. 1059 00:41:24,365 --> 00:41:26,576 First of all, I'm gonna be honest with y'all. 1060 00:41:26,659 --> 00:41:28,536 My mom passed away five years ago, okay? 1061 00:41:28,661 --> 00:41:30,622 Now, my mom died from cancer. 1062 00:41:30,705 --> 00:41:32,707 At the time, was it difficult? Yes. 1063 00:41:32,791 --> 00:41:34,167 But me and my brother, we got through it. 1064 00:41:34,250 --> 00:41:36,336 We knew it was coming, so we prepped ourselves. 1065 00:41:36,419 --> 00:41:38,171 We're at the funeral, funeral's almost over. 1066 00:41:38,630 --> 00:41:39,839 Pastor gets up, he says, 1067 00:41:39,923 --> 00:41:41,716 "Would anybody like to say any words 1068 00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:43,176 on Nancy's behalf?" 1069 00:41:43,259 --> 00:41:45,178 It's quiet. Nobody says nothing. 1070 00:41:45,261 --> 00:41:46,930 All of a sudden, my Cousin Al gets up. 1071 00:41:47,013 --> 00:41:49,224 He said, "I got something I need to say." 1072 00:41:49,390 --> 00:41:51,518 You can hear everybody in my family suck their teeth. 1073 00:41:51,601 --> 00:41:54,145 "Shit. God damn it. Shit!" 1074 00:41:54,896 --> 00:41:56,105 I cannot make this up. 1075 00:41:56,189 --> 00:41:58,441 This is the speech that my cousin gave 1076 00:41:58,525 --> 00:42:00,527 at my mom's funeral, word for word. 1077 00:42:00,610 --> 00:42:04,656 He comes to the podium, he said, "Uh... 1078 00:42:07,867 --> 00:42:09,118 Uh... 1079 00:42:10,578 --> 00:42:12,622 Before I say anything, 1080 00:42:13,081 --> 00:42:15,500 I just wanna start off by saying 1081 00:42:16,584 --> 00:42:18,962 God is good all the time." 1082 00:42:19,963 --> 00:42:21,256 Now when people say that, 1083 00:42:21,339 --> 00:42:23,174 in return, you're supposed to say, 1084 00:42:23,258 --> 00:42:25,593 "And all the time, God is good." 1085 00:42:25,969 --> 00:42:27,804 Nobody said nothing. Listen. 1086 00:42:28,388 --> 00:42:30,598 Look. When I say it again, just be quiet. 1087 00:42:30,682 --> 00:42:31,724 Don't nobody say shit. 1088 00:42:31,808 --> 00:42:33,059 I wanna show y'all how mad he got. 1089 00:42:33,142 --> 00:42:35,854 Don't make me laugh. Just be quiet, okay? 1090 00:42:36,104 --> 00:42:37,397 I wanna show you how fucking mad he got. 1091 00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:39,148 All right, don't make me laugh. Stop. 1092 00:42:39,357 --> 00:42:42,277 Exactly what he said. He said, "Uh... 1093 00:42:44,654 --> 00:42:46,030 Uh... 1094 00:42:47,740 --> 00:42:49,784 Before I say anything, 1095 00:42:50,660 --> 00:42:52,996 I just wanna start off by saying 1096 00:42:53,830 --> 00:42:56,624 God is good all the time. 1097 00:43:07,051 --> 00:43:08,177 Oh, don't nobody know what the fuck 1098 00:43:08,261 --> 00:43:09,679 they supposed to say back to Jesus? 1099 00:43:10,805 --> 00:43:11,931 Say shit back to Jesus!" 1100 00:43:12,015 --> 00:43:13,641 Look, my grandma got scared. 1101 00:43:13,725 --> 00:43:15,727 She was like, "God is good all the time." 1102 00:43:15,810 --> 00:43:18,146 She started messing it up. "God is good all the time. 1103 00:43:18,229 --> 00:43:20,398 Sometimes He's not. I don't say nothing about it. 1104 00:43:20,481 --> 00:43:21,649 I just... 1105 00:43:22,525 --> 00:43:24,777 Take me, Jesus." [moans] 1106 00:43:25,153 --> 00:43:27,906 Look, my grandmom is the king of fake pass-outs. 1107 00:43:27,989 --> 00:43:29,657 She'll pass out for three seconds, wait, 1108 00:43:29,741 --> 00:43:31,576 and then peek to see if anybody looking. 1109 00:43:32,076 --> 00:43:33,912 "Take me, Jesus." [moans] 1110 00:43:37,332 --> 00:43:39,626 "Grandma, I saw you. Come on, get up. 1111 00:43:39,876 --> 00:43:41,085 Get your ass up. 1112 00:43:41,419 --> 00:43:43,713 Get your old faking ass up, Grandma. 1113 00:43:44,339 --> 00:43:45,798 You didn't pass out." 1114 00:43:48,301 --> 00:43:49,594 Here's the rest of the speech. 1115 00:43:50,136 --> 00:43:51,471 Word for word, it's the rest of the speech. 1116 00:43:51,554 --> 00:43:53,973 He goes, "Uh... 1117 00:43:55,350 --> 00:43:57,435 Before Nancy died, 1118 00:43:59,270 --> 00:44:01,522 she owed me $53 and some change. 1119 00:44:03,066 --> 00:44:05,568 Now, Kevin, real quick, how does that work? 1120 00:44:05,652 --> 00:44:08,029 Does that roll over to you? Do I get it from you? 1121 00:44:08,112 --> 00:44:09,989 Whatever. We'll figure it out. We'll talk about it. 1122 00:44:10,156 --> 00:44:11,115 Uh... 1123 00:44:11,783 --> 00:44:13,242 Life is funny, ain't it? 1124 00:44:13,660 --> 00:44:15,787 Sometimes when people die, you gotta laugh. 1125 00:44:15,870 --> 00:44:17,997 Ha-ha-ha, hey! 1126 00:44:19,207 --> 00:44:20,667 Love you, Nance. Peace!" 1127 00:44:20,750 --> 00:44:22,627 This nigga walked off like it was a concert. 1128 00:44:23,252 --> 00:44:25,630 We was like, "What the fuck? Wait a minute!" 1129 00:44:26,089 --> 00:44:28,383 Now before y'all judge my family, 1130 00:44:28,466 --> 00:44:30,426 lemme tell you how crazy this funeral got, okay? 1131 00:44:30,510 --> 00:44:31,928 First of all, all our families are crazy. 1132 00:44:32,011 --> 00:44:33,972 We just come in different races, shapes and sizes. 1133 00:44:34,055 --> 00:44:36,683 Now at any funeral you go to, 1134 00:44:36,808 --> 00:44:38,142 there's always one person at the funeral 1135 00:44:38,226 --> 00:44:41,980 that's there to avenge the death of whoever died. 1136 00:44:42,063 --> 00:44:43,231 They want payback. 1137 00:44:43,481 --> 00:44:46,317 That person was my Uncle Richard Jr., okay? 1138 00:44:46,401 --> 00:44:48,111 Now, all my real Kevin Hart fans 1139 00:44:48,194 --> 00:44:49,654 know who my Uncle Richard Jr. is. 1140 00:44:49,737 --> 00:44:52,031 For those who don't know, "Say it with your chest." 1141 00:44:52,115 --> 00:44:53,991 That's my Uncle Richard Jr., all right? 1142 00:44:54,075 --> 00:44:56,119 Now, like I said, 1143 00:44:56,202 --> 00:44:58,204 my mom died from cancer. 1144 00:44:58,287 --> 00:45:01,499 Everybody knows this except my Uncle Richard Jr. 1145 00:45:01,958 --> 00:45:03,000 Funeral's over. 1146 00:45:03,084 --> 00:45:04,836 Everybody's outside. They're consoling one another. 1147 00:45:04,919 --> 00:45:07,714 It's a real emotional time. I'm talking, 1148 00:45:07,839 --> 00:45:09,632 my uncle comes up, taps me on the back. 1149 00:45:09,716 --> 00:45:12,218 He said, "Kevin, I just wanna let you know 1150 00:45:12,301 --> 00:45:14,971 whoever did this is gonna die tonight." 1151 00:45:19,726 --> 00:45:22,019 "Excuse me? What do you mean? What are you saying?" 1152 00:45:22,103 --> 00:45:23,813 "I'm just trying to tell you I'm about to peel 1153 00:45:23,896 --> 00:45:27,316 this motherfucker's muffin cap back blue tonight, nigga!" 1154 00:45:29,777 --> 00:45:32,113 I said, "Unc, cancer did it. It was cancer." 1155 00:45:32,196 --> 00:45:34,115 He said, "Well, you tell cancer I'm looking for him. 1156 00:45:34,198 --> 00:45:36,075 And when I find him, I'ma shoot him in the face. 1157 00:45:36,367 --> 00:45:38,786 Twice! Me! By myself! 1158 00:45:38,911 --> 00:45:40,705 One gun, one bullet, 1159 00:45:40,788 --> 00:45:42,790 all day, every day. 1160 00:45:42,874 --> 00:45:45,001 Wake up, go back to sleep, 1161 00:45:45,084 --> 00:45:45,960 take a nap. 1162 00:45:46,043 --> 00:45:47,712 You ready to go night-night, nigga? 1163 00:45:48,254 --> 00:45:49,964 You about to go night-night, nigga! 1164 00:45:50,423 --> 00:45:52,133 Everybody go night-night, nigga!" 1165 00:45:52,216 --> 00:45:54,427 I said, "Okay." I said, "I can't. 1166 00:45:54,886 --> 00:45:56,763 I can't do this. I can't." 1167 00:45:58,014 --> 00:45:59,432 I said, "Unc, you go tell him by yourself. 1168 00:45:59,515 --> 00:46:00,558 I can't." 1169 00:46:02,351 --> 00:46:03,394 The reason why I couldn't, 1170 00:46:03,478 --> 00:46:05,813 it was time for me to be a pallbearer, okay? 1171 00:46:05,897 --> 00:46:07,982 Now here's the thing. 1172 00:46:08,065 --> 00:46:09,317 It was time for me to go be a pallbearer. 1173 00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:10,526 I had to go pick up the casket, 1174 00:46:10,610 --> 00:46:11,903 we had to carry the casket down the aisle, 1175 00:46:11,986 --> 00:46:13,112 put the casket in the hearse. 1176 00:46:13,196 --> 00:46:15,448 Now I've never been a pallbearer before. 1177 00:46:15,531 --> 00:46:17,158 I've been offered several pallbearer positions 1178 00:46:17,241 --> 00:46:18,159 but I turned 'em all down. 1179 00:46:18,242 --> 00:46:19,494 The reason why I turned them down, 1180 00:46:19,577 --> 00:46:21,162 I'm small. I've got little arms. 1181 00:46:21,245 --> 00:46:22,830 My biggest fear is that you're gonna put me 1182 00:46:22,914 --> 00:46:25,041 next to somebody that's tall with long arms. 1183 00:46:25,124 --> 00:46:26,459 I gotta make up for the space. 1184 00:46:26,542 --> 00:46:28,377 I gotta hold the casket up here. 1185 00:46:28,461 --> 00:46:31,672 I fuck around, get tired, my arm starts shaking, I drop it. 1186 00:46:31,756 --> 00:46:33,549 Everybody look at me like, "Why you drop it?" 1187 00:46:33,633 --> 00:46:36,469 I'm like, "I never had it." "Yes, you did." 1188 00:46:36,552 --> 00:46:39,430 "No, I didn't. I thought we was gonna pick it up on three. 1189 00:46:39,514 --> 00:46:41,599 Nobody counted. Y'all just assumed I had it. 1190 00:46:41,682 --> 00:46:43,267 I didn't have it. My hand hurt. 1191 00:46:43,351 --> 00:46:45,436 I thought it was gonna bleed. Whatever." 1192 00:46:45,937 --> 00:46:47,772 I don't wanna be in that situation. 1193 00:46:48,397 --> 00:46:50,650 But for this time, I don't have a choice. 1194 00:46:51,108 --> 00:46:53,778 It's my mom. It's my mom's funeral, so I have to do it. 1195 00:46:53,945 --> 00:46:56,739 So I'm on the right side, I've got the casket over here. 1196 00:46:56,823 --> 00:46:59,075 My brother's on the left side, he's got the casket over there. 1197 00:46:59,158 --> 00:47:01,327 Keep in mind it's my mother and it's her funeral, 1198 00:47:01,410 --> 00:47:04,038 so I'm emotional. I'm crying. I'm a mess. 1199 00:47:04,497 --> 00:47:06,457 "No!" [crying] 1200 00:47:06,541 --> 00:47:10,795 "No! She-- She wasn't ready! 1201 00:47:11,295 --> 00:47:13,506 She wasn't ready!" 1202 00:47:13,589 --> 00:47:15,550 So this is why my dad's an asshole. 1203 00:47:15,633 --> 00:47:18,052 My dad seen me crying. My dad stood up, 1204 00:47:18,135 --> 00:47:20,012 punched me in the back of the head. 1205 00:47:20,388 --> 00:47:22,974 "Stop being a bitch! Man up! She gone." 1206 00:47:23,057 --> 00:47:25,685 I said, "Nigga, that's it, man! Fuck this shit, man!" 1207 00:47:25,768 --> 00:47:27,478 I forgot. I forgot where I was. 1208 00:47:27,562 --> 00:47:28,646 I threw the casket. 1209 00:47:29,647 --> 00:47:31,107 When I threw it, my Cousin Al stood up. 1210 00:47:31,190 --> 00:47:32,608 He was like, "It should've been me, Lord! 1211 00:47:32,692 --> 00:47:34,735 I was the one sucking dick for money!" 1212 00:47:36,279 --> 00:47:40,283 My dad was like, "All right, all right, all right. 1213 00:47:41,117 --> 00:47:42,451 Hey, you gonna learn today." 1214 00:47:42,535 --> 00:47:44,161 "Shut the fuck up, Dad." 1215 00:47:44,745 --> 00:47:47,957 My grandmom passed out. "Sucking dick?" [moans] 1216 00:47:51,669 --> 00:47:54,547 "Grandma, get-- You're peeking. Grandma. 1217 00:47:54,630 --> 00:47:56,799 Somebody get Grandma's ass out of the church. 1218 00:47:57,049 --> 00:47:58,426 Lying in front of God." 1219 00:48:03,514 --> 00:48:05,600 Now I talk about my dad a lot, 1220 00:48:05,683 --> 00:48:07,935 but understand something, people, I love my dad to death. 1221 00:48:08,019 --> 00:48:10,271 I wouldn't be the man I am today if it wasn't for my dad. 1222 00:48:10,354 --> 00:48:12,440 To be honest with y'all, I'm just like my dad, 1223 00:48:12,523 --> 00:48:14,734 I just don't do drugs. I got my dad's temper. 1224 00:48:14,817 --> 00:48:17,445 I know I do. That's why I'm going through a divorce now. 1225 00:48:17,528 --> 00:48:19,322 When I get mad, I don't argue no more. I fucking leave. 1226 00:48:19,405 --> 00:48:23,284 That's how I handle shit. Now I'm not spiteful like my dad. 1227 00:48:23,367 --> 00:48:26,579 My dad is very spiteful. When my dad gets mad... 1228 00:48:26,662 --> 00:48:28,664 I remember him and my mom would argue, right? 1229 00:48:28,748 --> 00:48:30,458 No matter what he bought in the house, 1230 00:48:30,541 --> 00:48:32,835 he would take with him when he left. 1231 00:48:32,919 --> 00:48:33,878 I don't give a fuck what it was. 1232 00:48:33,961 --> 00:48:36,672 If you were cooking a steak in the pan 1233 00:48:36,756 --> 00:48:38,174 and my dad bought it, when he left, 1234 00:48:38,257 --> 00:48:40,551 "Bitch, get the goddamn steak out of the pan." 1235 00:48:41,260 --> 00:48:43,220 "What we gonna eat?" "Bitch, put the steak in my hand. 1236 00:48:43,304 --> 00:48:44,388 I'm ready to go." 1237 00:48:44,472 --> 00:48:46,474 She would put a hot steak in his hand. 1238 00:48:46,557 --> 00:48:47,808 "Fuck! Bitch, put it in a bag." 1239 00:48:49,852 --> 00:48:51,145 He was fucking crazy. 1240 00:48:51,646 --> 00:48:53,356 I remember my dad took all the Christmas lights 1241 00:48:53,439 --> 00:48:55,358 off the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. 1242 00:48:56,734 --> 00:48:58,194 Do you know how-- Listen. 1243 00:48:58,277 --> 00:48:59,820 Do you know how mad you gotta be to take 1244 00:48:59,904 --> 00:49:01,989 the Christmas lights off the goddamn Christmas tree? 1245 00:49:02,406 --> 00:49:03,783 Do you know how long it take 1246 00:49:03,866 --> 00:49:05,993 to take the Christmas lights off the fucking Christmas tree? 1247 00:49:06,077 --> 00:49:08,037 And to keep an attitude that whole time? 1248 00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:11,666 "Yup, y'all done fucked up today. Too late. 1249 00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:14,001 Too late. 1250 00:49:15,836 --> 00:49:17,546 It's gonna be a dark Christmas in this bitch, 1251 00:49:17,630 --> 00:49:18,673 I'll bet you that. 1252 00:49:19,465 --> 00:49:21,509 Ain't nobody gonna see shit in this house. 1253 00:49:22,885 --> 00:49:25,596 How many sets of lights I put on this goddamn Christmas tree?" 1254 00:49:28,391 --> 00:49:29,976 [laughs] My dad was fucking crazy. 1255 00:49:30,851 --> 00:49:32,645 Now I'm not gonna lie to y'all. 1256 00:49:32,853 --> 00:49:34,939 When I left, I did take some stuff. 1257 00:49:35,356 --> 00:49:36,816 See, but I took stuff that she didn't realize 1258 00:49:36,899 --> 00:49:38,776 was important until it was gone. 1259 00:49:38,943 --> 00:49:42,530 Like when I left, I took all the backs to her earrings. 1260 00:49:42,697 --> 00:49:43,531 Uh... 1261 00:49:44,448 --> 00:49:47,535 Yeah, yeah, I don't want the earrings. I just want the backs. 1262 00:49:47,618 --> 00:49:49,912 You can put 'em on, but you're gonna fucking lose 'em, 1263 00:49:49,996 --> 00:49:51,247 'cause I got the backs. 1264 00:49:51,330 --> 00:49:52,707 I suggest you go buy a pack of pencils 1265 00:49:52,790 --> 00:49:54,500 and get popping with those erasers, bitch. 1266 00:49:55,251 --> 00:49:57,211 I got the goddamn backs, okay? 1267 00:49:58,129 --> 00:49:59,588 That's the thing, fellas, you gotta hit 'em low. 1268 00:50:00,047 --> 00:50:01,966 Gotta take stuff they don't realize is important. 1269 00:50:02,091 --> 00:50:03,384 I'll tell you what else I took. 1270 00:50:03,634 --> 00:50:05,511 I took the headboard to the bed. 1271 00:50:05,970 --> 00:50:07,972 Now I know when I say that, a lot of y'all are like, 1272 00:50:08,055 --> 00:50:10,057 "Kevin, why would you take the headboard to the bed?" 1273 00:50:10,141 --> 00:50:12,393 I'll tell you why. The headboard to the bed 1274 00:50:12,476 --> 00:50:13,728 is very important to a man. 1275 00:50:13,811 --> 00:50:15,604 That's what motivates us during sex. 1276 00:50:15,688 --> 00:50:18,899 Ladies, it's not you, it's not the noises that you make. 1277 00:50:18,983 --> 00:50:21,694 It's the fucking headboard, this sound right here. 1278 00:50:21,902 --> 00:50:23,946 [thudding] 1279 00:50:34,498 --> 00:50:35,833 That's motivation. 1280 00:50:36,959 --> 00:50:39,128 That's the motivation. If you don't believe me, 1281 00:50:39,211 --> 00:50:40,463 next time you're having sex with your man 1282 00:50:40,546 --> 00:50:42,256 and you hear the headboard, look at your man's face. 1283 00:50:42,339 --> 00:50:43,424 I'll bet you any amount of money 1284 00:50:43,507 --> 00:50:45,885 his face matches the sound of the fucking headboard. 1285 00:50:46,594 --> 00:50:47,595 Bet money. 1286 00:50:47,678 --> 00:50:48,971 [thudding] 1287 00:50:58,564 --> 00:50:59,982 It all goes together. 1288 00:51:00,691 --> 00:51:01,984 That's what we do. 1289 00:51:03,402 --> 00:51:04,904 I'm just telling you what I know. 1290 00:51:06,530 --> 00:51:08,407 Now I'm not a hypocrite, people. 1291 00:51:08,491 --> 00:51:09,533 I'm not gonna make it seem like 1292 00:51:09,617 --> 00:51:10,576 my relationship didn't work out 1293 00:51:10,659 --> 00:51:12,578 and it's all her fault. I'll take responsibility. 1294 00:51:12,661 --> 00:51:14,413 I'm not the same man that I used to be. 1295 00:51:14,622 --> 00:51:16,707 I fell off in some areas. I can admit that. 1296 00:51:16,791 --> 00:51:19,043 Sexually, I fell off. I don't know what happened. 1297 00:51:19,126 --> 00:51:20,377 One day I woke up, shit was different. 1298 00:51:20,461 --> 00:51:22,463 My moves was gone. I was just bad. 1299 00:51:23,089 --> 00:51:25,591 I'm being honest. I don't care. My dirty talk changed too. 1300 00:51:25,674 --> 00:51:27,510 Here's the thing with talking dirty... 1301 00:51:27,676 --> 00:51:31,138 I can say dirty shit. I just don't like it when you say stuff back. 1302 00:51:31,764 --> 00:51:33,682 'Cause when you say stuff back, then I gotta say something back 1303 00:51:33,766 --> 00:51:35,476 to what you just said. It's too much. Shut up. 1304 00:51:35,559 --> 00:51:36,769 Just lemme say what I gotta say. 1305 00:51:37,228 --> 00:51:39,855 It's too fucking much. That's the worst. 1306 00:51:39,939 --> 00:51:41,565 Fellas, you ever say some real good shit to a girl 1307 00:51:41,649 --> 00:51:43,109 and she say something back too quick, 1308 00:51:43,234 --> 00:51:44,568 you don't got no response for it? 1309 00:51:44,652 --> 00:51:46,195 I ain't the only man here that's been stumped. 1310 00:51:46,278 --> 00:51:47,780 Every man here has been stumped. 1311 00:51:47,905 --> 00:51:49,240 We say some good shit... 1312 00:51:49,323 --> 00:51:51,575 "Yeah, you like this dick, don't you?" 1313 00:51:51,659 --> 00:51:53,911 "Oh! What I like about it?" 1314 00:52:02,169 --> 00:52:04,505 "I don't know. I didn't expect you to say what you said 1315 00:52:04,588 --> 00:52:05,965 when you said it. I thought-- 1316 00:52:06,215 --> 00:52:07,550 I thought you were gonna let me keep going, 1317 00:52:07,633 --> 00:52:09,051 'cause I had some other stuff I wanted to say, 1318 00:52:09,135 --> 00:52:10,261 so let's just stop. 1319 00:52:10,344 --> 00:52:12,012 I wanna write some stuff down so I can-- 1320 00:52:12,555 --> 00:52:14,140 It's no big deal. Whatever." 1321 00:52:15,975 --> 00:52:17,768 I'm weird when it comes to sex, man. 1322 00:52:18,477 --> 00:52:20,896 I get uncomfortable very fast. I really do. 1323 00:52:21,313 --> 00:52:22,773 I'm not lying to y'all. But here's the thing. 1324 00:52:22,857 --> 00:52:24,191 I don't bite my tongue. 1325 00:52:24,275 --> 00:52:26,152 When I'm uncomfortable, I'm gonna tell you. 1326 00:52:26,235 --> 00:52:27,778 I am. I've done it several times. 1327 00:52:27,862 --> 00:52:29,113 That's why I use safety words. 1328 00:52:29,196 --> 00:52:31,031 For those who do not know what safety words are, 1329 00:52:31,115 --> 00:52:33,701 safety words are the words that you use to let a woman know 1330 00:52:33,784 --> 00:52:35,286 that you're not comfortable with what's going on. 1331 00:52:35,369 --> 00:52:37,788 My safety word is pineapples. That's my word. 1332 00:52:37,872 --> 00:52:39,832 Pineapples. The reason why I use pineapples 1333 00:52:39,915 --> 00:52:41,876 is I don't like saying shit like, "Stop. Get the fuck off me. 1334 00:52:41,959 --> 00:52:44,461 Let me go. I don't like it." It makes me look like a bitch. 1335 00:52:44,545 --> 00:52:46,422 Pineapples, different. I told you what it is. 1336 00:52:46,505 --> 00:52:48,424 We both understand the meaning of the word. 1337 00:52:48,507 --> 00:52:50,384 Now here's an example of how you use it. 1338 00:52:50,467 --> 00:52:51,677 This is when I don't feel comfortable. 1339 00:52:51,760 --> 00:52:53,929 I don't like it if a woman's riding me, 1340 00:52:54,013 --> 00:52:55,681 but she makes my whole body move. 1341 00:52:55,764 --> 00:52:57,391 I don't think no man 1342 00:52:57,766 --> 00:52:59,810 should ever do this shit right here. 1343 00:53:05,274 --> 00:53:07,234 Shaq's big ass probably got some shit like that. 1344 00:53:07,318 --> 00:53:08,485 [moans] 1345 00:53:10,279 --> 00:53:11,488 "Oh, shit." 1346 00:53:11,572 --> 00:53:13,908 "I don't like it. Pineapples. It hurts. I don't wanna do it." 1347 00:53:15,284 --> 00:53:16,243 It fucking hurts. 1348 00:53:16,410 --> 00:53:17,912 You know why I don't like that shit? 1349 00:53:17,995 --> 00:53:19,038 I'm gonna tell you my biggest fear. 1350 00:53:19,121 --> 00:53:21,916 My biggest fear is a girl making a headboard rock on me. 1351 00:53:22,416 --> 00:53:24,376 As a man, what do you do when you hear that shit? 1352 00:53:24,460 --> 00:53:25,753 You hear that... 1353 00:53:27,046 --> 00:53:28,631 And you look up, she all aggressive. 1354 00:53:30,132 --> 00:53:32,801 "Pineapples, bitch. That's it, get up. No. 1355 00:53:32,885 --> 00:53:35,095 Not today. Not about to fuck the shit out of me 1356 00:53:35,179 --> 00:53:37,097 like I'm a little-ass boy. That's it. 1357 00:53:37,765 --> 00:53:39,308 So you can see me on the street and talk shit." 1358 00:53:39,391 --> 00:53:41,644 "I fucked the shit out of that little ass nigga last night. 1359 00:53:41,852 --> 00:53:43,604 Him! You, bitch. 1360 00:53:43,687 --> 00:53:45,856 I fucked the shit out of you last night, what?" 1361 00:53:46,482 --> 00:53:48,442 I said pineapples six times. 1362 00:53:48,525 --> 00:53:50,194 This bitch ignored me every time. 1363 00:53:50,945 --> 00:53:53,489 [laughs] There's a lot of stuff I don't like. 1364 00:53:53,739 --> 00:53:54,823 Ladies, I don't like it 1365 00:53:54,907 --> 00:53:57,576 when you get nasty too fast. Here's the thing. 1366 00:53:57,785 --> 00:54:00,162 If you nasty, ladies, and you know you nasty, 1367 00:54:00,246 --> 00:54:03,999 baby-step me into your nasty world. 1368 00:54:04,083 --> 00:54:07,670 Don't just assume that because I'm a man I'm nasty too. 1369 00:54:07,753 --> 00:54:09,421 It's our first time having sex. 1370 00:54:09,505 --> 00:54:11,340 First time we're having sex, you come out of the bathroom, 1371 00:54:11,423 --> 00:54:14,176 "Ooh! I'm ready! Ah! Mmm!" 1372 00:54:15,886 --> 00:54:17,304 "Pineapples. I don't-- 1373 00:54:17,388 --> 00:54:18,389 I don't wanna do it. 1374 00:54:19,056 --> 00:54:20,557 Pineapples!" 1375 00:54:20,724 --> 00:54:22,434 [crying] "I wanna go home. 1376 00:54:22,518 --> 00:54:23,936 I don't wanna-- 1377 00:54:24,019 --> 00:54:25,729 [screams] I wanna go home! 1378 00:54:26,605 --> 00:54:27,564 What are you-- 1379 00:54:27,648 --> 00:54:28,691 What did you put in your mouth? 1380 00:54:28,774 --> 00:54:30,776 What was that? You didn't chew anything. 1381 00:54:31,193 --> 00:54:34,446 I don't-- You just started-- I don't like it. Pineapples. 1382 00:54:36,365 --> 00:54:37,658 I don't like it." 1383 00:54:39,702 --> 00:54:40,828 I'll tell you what else I don't like. 1384 00:54:40,911 --> 00:54:43,372 Ladies, I don't like it when you take my underwear off. 1385 00:54:43,455 --> 00:54:45,499 I'm grown. I can do it myself. 1386 00:54:46,166 --> 00:54:48,085 Don't treat me like no fucking boy 'cause I'm small. 1387 00:54:48,168 --> 00:54:49,420 I can't stand that shit. 1388 00:54:49,920 --> 00:54:51,338 You ever have a girl roll your drawers down 1389 00:54:51,422 --> 00:54:52,548 when you didn't expect it? 1390 00:54:52,631 --> 00:54:55,134 "Hey, baby. Hey! Wait a minute! Hey!" 1391 00:54:55,884 --> 00:54:58,762 Look on the ground, your drawers be in that panty ball? 1392 00:54:58,846 --> 00:54:59,722 They're fucking-- 1393 00:54:59,888 --> 00:55:01,098 "Bitch, that's a pair of boxers. 1394 00:55:01,181 --> 00:55:03,851 You'd better extend it before I punch you in the fucking throat. 1395 00:55:04,059 --> 00:55:06,562 Got my shit looking like a balled-up thong on the fucking floor. 1396 00:55:06,645 --> 00:55:08,689 I'll chop you in your goddamn neck." 1397 00:55:10,357 --> 00:55:11,483 I'm just being honest. 1398 00:55:11,859 --> 00:55:13,152 Now, ladies, I know what you're thinking. 1399 00:55:13,235 --> 00:55:15,362 "Kevin, you don't like all this stuff about us. 1400 00:55:15,446 --> 00:55:17,740 I'm quite sure there's some stuff that we don't like about you." 1401 00:55:17,823 --> 00:55:18,991 You're absolutely right. 1402 00:55:19,074 --> 00:55:20,451 I'll tell you what you don't like about me. 1403 00:55:20,534 --> 00:55:22,286 I don't have sex for very long. 1404 00:55:22,828 --> 00:55:23,954 I'm not playing. 1405 00:55:24,038 --> 00:55:26,415 You've got about a good 20 to 23 seconds with me, ladies. 1406 00:55:26,498 --> 00:55:27,750 And I'm very serious. 1407 00:55:28,500 --> 00:55:29,877 I'm serious. Here's the thing. 1408 00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:31,879 I don't care. I come quick. Whatever. 1409 00:55:31,962 --> 00:55:35,299 It is what it is. Fellas, if you come fast, embrace it. 1410 00:55:35,382 --> 00:55:36,884 Be good in that amount of time. 1411 00:55:37,134 --> 00:55:38,677 All you gotta do is disguise it. 1412 00:55:38,761 --> 00:55:40,596 Put a girl in a lot of positions. That's what I do. 1413 00:55:40,679 --> 00:55:42,639 I put you in nine position in 23 seconds. 1414 00:55:42,723 --> 00:55:43,640 I'm not playing. 1415 00:55:44,892 --> 00:55:46,769 You don't believe me? Okay, all right. Watch this. 1416 00:55:46,852 --> 00:55:49,438 I'ma fuck the shit out of this stool for 23 seconds. 1417 00:55:49,688 --> 00:55:50,856 You brought this on yourself. 1418 00:55:50,939 --> 00:55:52,733 Don't make me laugh. This is serious shit. 1419 00:55:53,150 --> 00:55:55,235 Shut the fuck up. You're about to get it. Go! 1420 00:55:58,405 --> 00:55:59,823 [cheering] 1421 00:56:01,950 --> 00:56:03,660 [crowd clapping] 1422 00:56:11,293 --> 00:56:13,587 [groans] 1423 00:56:15,881 --> 00:56:16,965 "Whoo! 1424 00:56:19,802 --> 00:56:21,095 Whoo! 1425 00:56:22,096 --> 00:56:23,138 You all right? 1426 00:56:24,473 --> 00:56:25,766 You want some juice?" 1427 00:56:26,809 --> 00:56:28,060 That's how you know-- 1428 00:56:28,143 --> 00:56:30,104 When you ain't do shit, but, "You want some juice?" 1429 00:56:30,187 --> 00:56:31,480 When a man ask you if you want some juice, 1430 00:56:31,563 --> 00:56:32,564 you know his dick wasn't shit. 1431 00:56:32,648 --> 00:56:33,607 "You want some juice? 1432 00:56:34,525 --> 00:56:36,068 I'm going to the kitchen and get some juice. 1433 00:56:36,151 --> 00:56:37,319 You want some juice? 1434 00:56:38,237 --> 00:56:39,488 Want me to make you some juice? 1435 00:56:39,571 --> 00:56:41,281 I can make you some juice from scratch." 1436 00:56:43,784 --> 00:56:45,411 Fellas, y'all get that hump in your back? 1437 00:56:45,494 --> 00:56:47,663 You know what that is? You ever get that turtle shell? 1438 00:56:47,913 --> 00:56:49,915 You come too hard. [groans] 1439 00:56:49,998 --> 00:56:51,708 That shit right there. [groans] 1440 00:56:52,334 --> 00:56:54,336 That turtle shell with your head going in and out of the shell? 1441 00:56:54,420 --> 00:56:56,255 [groans] 1442 00:56:57,589 --> 00:57:01,301 Shit! Just caught a Charley horse in my back! 1443 00:57:07,307 --> 00:57:08,642 This is true stuff. 1444 00:57:09,309 --> 00:57:10,978 Ladies, I'll tell you what else I don't like. 1445 00:57:11,061 --> 00:57:14,398 I don't like it when you guys get drunk as shit while your man is sober. 1446 00:57:14,773 --> 00:57:16,650 I don't. You know why? 1447 00:57:16,734 --> 00:57:17,609 'Cause when y'all get drunk, 1448 00:57:17,693 --> 00:57:19,111 that's when you wanna be nasty. 1449 00:57:19,903 --> 00:57:22,698 But the nasty stuff that you wanna do doesn't make any sense. 1450 00:57:23,323 --> 00:57:25,868 It's stupid! Y'all do the same type of shit, 1451 00:57:25,951 --> 00:57:28,412 stand in that same dumb-ass drunk stance. 1452 00:57:31,915 --> 00:57:33,876 "Hey, babe. 1453 00:57:34,668 --> 00:57:35,794 Come here. 1454 00:57:37,129 --> 00:57:38,172 Come here. 1455 00:57:38,714 --> 00:57:41,425 Hey, put your-- Put your dick on the counter. 1456 00:57:41,508 --> 00:57:43,093 Let me suck your dick on the counter." 1457 00:57:43,927 --> 00:57:45,053 "Excuse me?" 1458 00:57:45,137 --> 00:57:46,680 "Put your dick on the counter. 1459 00:57:46,764 --> 00:57:48,390 Let me suck your dick on the counter." 1460 00:57:49,183 --> 00:57:51,143 "Bitch, we in 7-Eleven. I'm not about to put 1461 00:57:51,226 --> 00:57:53,937 my dick on the goddamn counter at 7-Eleven." 1462 00:57:54,271 --> 00:57:56,523 "Get a bag of Doritos, put Doritos on your dick. 1463 00:57:56,607 --> 00:57:58,192 Let me suck Doritos off your dick." 1464 00:57:58,400 --> 00:58:00,319 "What?" "Let me suck the Dorito-- 1465 00:58:00,402 --> 00:58:02,362 You scared to let me suck that cheesy dick?" 1466 00:58:02,446 --> 00:58:05,073 "Pineapples. Get in the car. I'm not gonna deal with this. 1467 00:58:05,616 --> 00:58:07,367 Pineapples. Suck a cheesy dick? 1468 00:58:07,451 --> 00:58:08,869 What the hell are you talking about? 1469 00:58:10,204 --> 00:58:11,663 What the hell is wrong with you?" 1470 00:58:13,707 --> 00:58:15,209 Women always want you to suck on their titty 1471 00:58:15,292 --> 00:58:16,668 when they're drunk. You ever notice that? 1472 00:58:16,919 --> 00:58:19,797 All the time. "Hey. Babe. 1473 00:58:20,839 --> 00:58:21,882 Hey." 1474 00:58:22,674 --> 00:58:24,176 They do that drunk-ass hiccup. 1475 00:58:24,259 --> 00:58:25,511 [hiccups] "Hey. 1476 00:58:26,845 --> 00:58:29,223 Come here. Come here. 1477 00:58:29,973 --> 00:58:31,433 Suck my titty real quick." 1478 00:58:32,309 --> 00:58:33,185 "What?" 1479 00:58:33,268 --> 00:58:35,229 "Suck on my titty real quick." 1480 00:58:36,313 --> 00:58:37,606 "Bitch, I'm pumping gas. 1481 00:58:37,689 --> 00:58:40,859 I can't suck your titty while I'm pumping gas." 1482 00:58:41,443 --> 00:58:44,196 "Put some gas on my titty and suck the gas off my titty." 1483 00:58:44,279 --> 00:58:46,782 "All right, pineapples. You're just fucking stupid. 1484 00:58:47,032 --> 00:58:48,617 So I can forget I did it, light a cigarette, 1485 00:58:48,700 --> 00:58:50,702 blow my goddamn mouth off? Is that what you want? 1486 00:58:52,287 --> 00:58:53,413 Stupid ass." 1487 00:58:57,543 --> 00:58:59,878 Every man in this room has had an experience with a drunk girl. 1488 00:59:00,254 --> 00:59:02,840 Every man has. My experience was bad. 1489 00:59:03,090 --> 00:59:05,008 It was horrible. This girl was drunk as shit. 1490 00:59:05,092 --> 00:59:08,303 I knew she was drunk 'cause she didn't have any balance in her neck. 1491 00:59:08,679 --> 00:59:10,055 She was all over the place. 1492 00:59:11,014 --> 00:59:13,851 We in the car, I'm driving, she in the passenger seat, right? 1493 00:59:14,184 --> 00:59:16,019 Out of nowhere she sat up, she said, "Kevin, 1494 00:59:16,103 --> 00:59:19,106 I'm about to hit you with some new nasty shit." 1495 00:59:19,189 --> 00:59:21,233 I said, "Whatever. Do you. I don't care." 1496 00:59:21,316 --> 00:59:23,110 Out of nowhere, she leans over. 1497 00:59:23,193 --> 00:59:24,653 I'm thinking she about to give me head. 1498 00:59:24,736 --> 00:59:26,655 She put her throat on my balls. 1499 00:59:26,738 --> 00:59:28,615 Out of nowhere she said... [growls] 1500 00:59:28,699 --> 00:59:30,033 I said, "Oh!" 1501 00:59:30,909 --> 00:59:32,536 [groaning] 1502 00:59:35,831 --> 00:59:38,166 She said, "I'm humming on your balls." 1503 00:59:38,584 --> 00:59:41,336 I was hitting the gas and the brake at the same time. 1504 00:59:41,420 --> 00:59:42,504 "No. Ah!" 1505 00:59:42,588 --> 00:59:44,381 [mimics tires screeching] "Oh, shit." 1506 00:59:46,717 --> 00:59:48,093 I'm just being honest with you. 1507 00:59:49,428 --> 00:59:50,512 You know what else I don't like? 1508 00:59:50,596 --> 00:59:52,806 Ladies, I don't like the back-it-up girls. 1509 00:59:53,307 --> 00:59:55,392 The back-it-up girls, for those who don't know who they are, 1510 00:59:55,475 --> 00:59:57,227 they're the girls that do too much when you're having sex. 1511 00:59:57,311 --> 00:59:59,771 These girls-- "Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah." 1512 00:59:59,855 --> 01:00:01,273 I don't like that. Pineapples. 1513 01:00:01,356 --> 01:00:02,608 I've got a little pelvis. It hurts. 1514 01:00:03,317 --> 01:00:05,402 You're gonna pop my belly button. I don't wanna do it. 1515 01:00:05,485 --> 01:00:06,486 I don't fucking like it. 1516 01:00:07,529 --> 01:00:08,697 That's the worst shit ever, fellas, 1517 01:00:08,780 --> 01:00:10,991 when you let a girl that back you down all over the bedroom. 1518 01:00:11,241 --> 01:00:13,869 Do you know how stupid you look when you let a girl back you down? 1519 01:00:14,453 --> 01:00:15,495 I'm serious. All you gotta do is 1520 01:00:15,579 --> 01:00:16,955 catch one reflection of yourself in the mirror. 1521 01:00:17,039 --> 01:00:18,415 I bet you'll never let it happen again. 1522 01:00:18,916 --> 01:00:20,334 Look, this is how dumb you look. 1523 01:00:20,417 --> 01:00:21,585 This is what it look like. Look. 1524 01:00:36,683 --> 01:00:39,061 You supposed to be having sex, she got you doing P90X. 1525 01:00:39,144 --> 01:00:41,188 Go sit your stupid ass down, man. 1526 01:00:41,521 --> 01:00:44,274 What the fuck your calves burning for while you're having sex? 1527 01:00:45,400 --> 01:00:47,194 Now, ladies, the reason why I know all this stuff... 1528 01:00:47,277 --> 01:00:49,029 Like I said, I've been single for a while now, 1529 01:00:49,112 --> 01:00:50,822 so I've been out, I've been in the clubs. 1530 01:00:50,906 --> 01:00:52,991 I've been on the scene. I see what's going on. 1531 01:00:53,200 --> 01:00:54,618 Do I like the clubs? No. 1532 01:00:54,701 --> 01:00:56,411 Do I like the single life? Not really. 1533 01:00:56,495 --> 01:00:57,454 But I'm in it. 1534 01:00:57,537 --> 01:00:58,622 The reason why I go to clubs 1535 01:00:58,705 --> 01:01:01,208 is 'cause my friends make me 'cause they can't get in without me. 1536 01:01:01,291 --> 01:01:02,334 So I have to go. 1537 01:01:03,919 --> 01:01:05,003 Here's the thing. I'm gonna tell you 1538 01:01:05,087 --> 01:01:06,338 what shocked me the most about the clubs. 1539 01:01:06,421 --> 01:01:07,839 I didn't know that dancing shit-- 1540 01:01:07,923 --> 01:01:09,299 That whole dance-battle shit-- 1541 01:01:09,383 --> 01:01:10,926 I didn't know that that was real. 1542 01:01:11,009 --> 01:01:12,260 I thought it was just on TV 1543 01:01:12,386 --> 01:01:14,262 with dance crews. That shit is real, 1544 01:01:14,346 --> 01:01:17,891 like grown-ass men be battling face to face. 1545 01:01:27,192 --> 01:01:29,027 Grown-ass fucking men. 1546 01:01:29,820 --> 01:01:31,154 The shit that make me laugh the most 1547 01:01:31,238 --> 01:01:32,948 when you watch people battle 1548 01:01:33,031 --> 01:01:34,950 is the dude that be calling the dances out. 1549 01:01:35,033 --> 01:01:36,576 He says shit, you have no clue. 1550 01:01:36,660 --> 01:01:38,328 You never knew this was going on. 1551 01:01:38,412 --> 01:01:41,039 "Oh, shit! That nigga in your house! 1552 01:01:44,418 --> 01:01:46,086 He walking your dog!" 1553 01:01:47,295 --> 01:01:49,756 "Where the fuck he get the dog? When he get the dog?" 1554 01:01:50,257 --> 01:01:53,176 [laughs] I got involved in one dance battle. 1555 01:01:53,719 --> 01:01:56,013 One dance battle. I go to a club, right? 1556 01:01:56,096 --> 01:01:57,431 I'm with my boy Spank. Now here's the thing. 1557 01:01:57,514 --> 01:02:00,183 Spank can dance. Spank can dance his ass off. 1558 01:02:00,267 --> 01:02:02,019 Personally, I think Spank is a little too tall 1559 01:02:02,102 --> 01:02:03,145 to do some of the dances he does. 1560 01:02:03,228 --> 01:02:04,229 Spank is like 6'5". 1561 01:02:04,312 --> 01:02:05,647 Shouldn't do some of them, but whatever. 1562 01:02:05,731 --> 01:02:07,774 It's his business. We go into a club, 1563 01:02:07,858 --> 01:02:10,193 Spank walking in front of me, I'm behind him. 1564 01:02:10,277 --> 01:02:11,945 When we get there, he hear a song. 1565 01:02:12,029 --> 01:02:14,406 He's like, "Oh, shit. This my song." 1566 01:02:14,489 --> 01:02:17,409 He dropped his ass down twice. Bop. Bop. 1567 01:02:17,492 --> 01:02:19,327 Now here's the thing. I'm right behind him. 1568 01:02:19,411 --> 01:02:22,247 I'm small. His ass hit my lip a little bit. 1569 01:02:22,330 --> 01:02:24,583 Not a lot, but it definitely-- 1570 01:02:24,666 --> 01:02:26,293 I said, "No, no, no. No." 1571 01:02:26,376 --> 01:02:28,795 The D.J. was like, "Oh, shit! Them niggas' dirty wining." 1572 01:02:28,879 --> 01:02:31,131 "No, we're not. Don't do that. 1573 01:02:31,214 --> 01:02:33,800 Don't say that. Don't put that message out there." 1574 01:02:35,010 --> 01:02:37,387 I said, "Hey, man, don't fucking do that shit in front of me. 1575 01:02:37,471 --> 01:02:39,306 Go out there and dance if you wanna dance." 1576 01:02:39,389 --> 01:02:40,474 He said, "All right. Cool, cool." 1577 01:02:40,557 --> 01:02:41,975 He go out there on the dance floor. 1578 01:02:42,059 --> 01:02:43,685 He see this girl, he start dancing. 1579 01:02:43,769 --> 01:02:45,771 He ain't doing nothing crazy. He's just two-stepping. 1580 01:02:45,854 --> 01:02:47,898 Mmm! Mmm! Him and the girl dancing. 1581 01:02:47,981 --> 01:02:49,900 Out of nowhere, this guy walks up. 1582 01:02:49,983 --> 01:02:51,818 He got five guys with him, right? 1583 01:02:51,902 --> 01:02:53,695 He grabbed the girl. He looked at Spank 1584 01:02:53,779 --> 01:02:55,739 and he said, "Hey, man, you don't want this fucking problem." 1585 01:02:55,822 --> 01:02:58,492 Now in my mind I said, "Oh, shit, we about to fight." 1586 01:02:58,575 --> 01:03:00,494 So I did what I do. I took a beer bottle. 1587 01:03:00,577 --> 01:03:03,497 I broke it, 'cause I was about to stab this bitch in the face. 1588 01:03:04,581 --> 01:03:06,124 I'm lying. I tried to break it 1589 01:03:06,208 --> 01:03:07,876 it didn't break, so I sat down. 1590 01:03:07,959 --> 01:03:08,960 Listen, whatever. 1591 01:03:09,044 --> 01:03:10,629 It has nothing to do with the story. 1592 01:03:10,712 --> 01:03:13,757 It's neither here nor there. Okay, so I sit down. 1593 01:03:13,840 --> 01:03:15,801 I'm looking. This is the shit that was wild. 1594 01:03:15,884 --> 01:03:17,302 When the guy moved the girl, he said, 1595 01:03:17,385 --> 01:03:18,762 "Yeah, you don't want this fucking problem." 1596 01:03:18,845 --> 01:03:20,555 Out of nowhere he was like, "Yeah. 1597 01:03:20,639 --> 01:03:22,974 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." 1598 01:03:23,058 --> 01:03:24,309 Now this is the shit that made me laugh. 1599 01:03:24,392 --> 01:03:25,644 When he was doing this, 1600 01:03:25,727 --> 01:03:28,688 his friends behind him was like... [vocalizing tune] 1601 01:03:30,190 --> 01:03:32,275 I was like, "What the fuck is-- What is going on? 1602 01:03:32,359 --> 01:03:33,777 What the hell is this?" 1603 01:03:33,860 --> 01:03:35,695 So he grabs Spank's chest. 1604 01:03:35,779 --> 01:03:38,615 When he grabbed his chest, he was like, "Yeah, what I got? 1605 01:03:38,698 --> 01:03:40,492 What I got? What I got?" 1606 01:03:40,575 --> 01:03:42,035 Now the bitch in me came out. I was like, 1607 01:03:42,119 --> 01:03:45,288 "What is it? What's in his hand? What does he have?" 1608 01:03:45,372 --> 01:03:46,706 He said, "I got your heart, nigga. 1609 01:03:46,790 --> 01:03:48,375 I got your fucking heart. I'm about to eat it. 1610 01:03:48,458 --> 01:03:50,043 Ah... Ah... Ah..." 1611 01:03:50,961 --> 01:03:53,088 He said, "Yeah, I ate it, bitch. Ooh, it's nasty." 1612 01:03:53,922 --> 01:03:55,507 Threw it back up. He said, "Take it back." 1613 01:03:55,590 --> 01:03:56,424 Mmm. 1614 01:03:56,508 --> 01:03:58,635 Hit Spank on the head, Spank came back to life. 1615 01:03:58,718 --> 01:04:01,138 'Cause technically, Spank was dead for 32 seconds, 1616 01:04:01,221 --> 01:04:03,223 because the guy had his heart. 1617 01:04:03,306 --> 01:04:04,683 So when he gave it back, I was like, 1618 01:04:04,766 --> 01:04:05,892 "Yo, Spank, we should leave 1619 01:04:05,976 --> 01:04:07,686 'cause next time he might not be that nice. 1620 01:04:07,769 --> 01:04:08,854 He might not give it back." 1621 01:04:08,937 --> 01:04:10,605 So Spank was like, "Yo, man, fuck that. 1622 01:04:10,689 --> 01:04:12,232 He wanna battle, let's battle." 1623 01:04:12,315 --> 01:04:13,859 I said, "Spank, there's five of them. 1624 01:04:13,942 --> 01:04:16,361 You're not gonna do it by yourself. Tag me in." 1625 01:04:16,444 --> 01:04:18,280 He said, "What?" I said, "Tag me in. 1626 01:04:18,363 --> 01:04:19,906 Hit my hand, I'm gonna go here, 1627 01:04:19,990 --> 01:04:21,116 I'm gonna bring it right back here. 1628 01:04:21,199 --> 01:04:23,201 Okay? Just hit my hand, I'm gonna go here with it, 1629 01:04:23,285 --> 01:04:24,411 I'm gonna bring it right back here." 1630 01:04:24,494 --> 01:04:25,996 He said, "No, Kev, fuck that. I got him. 1631 01:04:26,079 --> 01:04:27,664 I'm about to get in a car on this bitch." 1632 01:04:27,747 --> 01:04:28,582 I said, "What?" 1633 01:04:28,665 --> 01:04:30,167 He said, "I'm about to get in a car on his ass." 1634 01:04:30,250 --> 01:04:31,626 I said, "Whatever. Fine, do you." 1635 01:04:31,710 --> 01:04:33,170 He said, "When I get to the other side of the room, 1636 01:04:33,253 --> 01:04:34,337 throw me the car keys." 1637 01:04:34,421 --> 01:04:35,797 I said, "My real car keys?" 1638 01:04:35,881 --> 01:04:36,965 He said, "Bitch, throw me the keys." 1639 01:04:37,048 --> 01:04:38,592 I said, "Okay, I'm not gonna argue with you. 1640 01:04:38,675 --> 01:04:39,968 Whatever, fine. Okay." 1641 01:04:40,051 --> 01:04:41,344 So Spank starts dancing. 1642 01:04:41,428 --> 01:04:42,512 He gets to the other side of the room. 1643 01:04:42,596 --> 01:04:43,513 He going off, right? 1644 01:04:43,597 --> 01:04:46,016 He said, "Kev, I'm at the car. Throw me the keys." 1645 01:04:46,099 --> 01:04:48,393 I take out my car keys, I throw 'em hard as shit. 1646 01:04:48,476 --> 01:04:49,311 [grunts] 1647 01:04:49,394 --> 01:04:51,605 When I throw 'em, this bitch ducks. Mmm. 1648 01:04:51,813 --> 01:04:54,316 When he ducks, it hit the glass behind the bar. 1649 01:04:54,399 --> 01:04:56,735 All the glass break, alcohol fall down. 1650 01:04:56,818 --> 01:04:57,944 The bartender looked at me. 1651 01:04:58,028 --> 01:04:59,654 He said, "You gonna have to pay for this shit." 1652 01:04:59,946 --> 01:05:00,780 I said, "I would, 1653 01:05:00,864 --> 01:05:02,324 but the way that my bank account is set up, 1654 01:05:02,407 --> 01:05:04,201 I got a checking and savings..." 1655 01:05:04,284 --> 01:05:06,036 Y'all been great, L.A. I'm Kevin Hart. 1656 01:05:06,119 --> 01:05:08,330 I gotta get the fuck outta here. Thank you. 1657 01:05:08,747 --> 01:05:10,373 ♪ Everybody stand up... ♪ 1658 01:05:10,457 --> 01:05:11,499 [hip-hop music playing] 1659 01:05:11,583 --> 01:05:12,709 ♪ I've been on the top For a minute ♪ 1660 01:05:12,792 --> 01:05:14,127 ♪ So no wonder Why it's cool ♪ 1661 01:05:14,211 --> 01:05:17,005 ♪ I'm the dude That they hatin' on ♪ 1662 01:05:17,088 --> 01:05:19,883 ♪ But, homie, you can't And haters just won't ♪ 1663 01:05:20,217 --> 01:05:21,676 ♪ Let me continue Doin' me ♪ 1664 01:05:21,760 --> 01:05:24,679 ♪ I'm so sick, I'm so ill Go ahead and call yo' mama ♪ 1665 01:05:24,763 --> 01:05:27,515 ♪ I flow like H20 From Mexico, Tijuana ♪ 1666 01:05:27,599 --> 01:05:30,644 ♪ My styles break ground Smoke y'all like marijuana ♪ 1667 01:05:30,727 --> 01:05:31,728 That was it. 1668 01:05:32,646 --> 01:05:33,730 That's how it be. 1669 01:05:34,397 --> 01:05:35,774 Makin' it do what it do, baby. 1670 01:05:35,857 --> 01:05:38,860 Okay? I came, I saw, I rocked. 1671 01:05:38,944 --> 01:05:40,654 You saw it. I don't gotta say it, 1672 01:05:40,737 --> 01:05:41,780 'cause you saw what just happened. 1673 01:05:41,863 --> 01:05:43,657 Let me tell you something. Slide right over, bitches. 1674 01:05:43,740 --> 01:05:45,325 I suggest you sit back down in your seats 1675 01:05:45,408 --> 01:05:46,701 'cause I got something to show you. 1676 01:05:50,580 --> 01:05:53,416 [upbeat music playing] 1677 01:06:00,882 --> 01:06:02,300 All right, listen up. 1678 01:06:07,222 --> 01:06:08,848 I'm about to give you your names. 1679 01:06:08,974 --> 01:06:11,685 You're Mr. Brown. You're Mr. Blonde, 1680 01:06:11,768 --> 01:06:14,771 Mr. White, Mr. Blue, Mr. Pink. 1681 01:06:15,981 --> 01:06:18,024 Wait a minute. Why am I Mr. Pink? 1682 01:06:18,942 --> 01:06:19,818 Because I said so. 1683 01:06:20,068 --> 01:06:21,778 Well, why can't we just choose our own colors? 1684 01:06:22,028 --> 01:06:23,655 I'll tell you why you can't choose your own color. 1685 01:06:23,738 --> 01:06:24,990 'Cause I'm the one that sat up all night 1686 01:06:25,073 --> 01:06:26,616 trying to figure out who was going to be who 1687 01:06:26,700 --> 01:06:28,159 according to the way it was going to go down. 1688 01:06:28,243 --> 01:06:30,495 Now that I know how it's going down, I know who's who. 1689 01:06:30,578 --> 01:06:33,581 -And you're Mr. Pink. -It's just a fake name, man. 1690 01:06:34,124 --> 01:06:36,084 Man, that's easy for you to say. You're Mr. White. 1691 01:06:36,167 --> 01:06:38,670 Your name is cool. Why don't we just trade? 1692 01:06:38,962 --> 01:06:41,715 Shit! You think I'm gonna let a grown man call me Mr. Pink? 1693 01:06:41,965 --> 01:06:43,091 That's a man law. 1694 01:06:43,341 --> 01:06:45,385 See what I'm saying? It sounds gay. 1695 01:06:45,719 --> 01:06:47,178 Mr. Brown sounds like "Mr. Shit." 1696 01:06:47,637 --> 01:06:50,765 You know what? If it's all right with you, I'll just be Mr. Fuchsia. 1697 01:06:50,849 --> 01:06:52,892 -Mr. Fuchsia is gayer. -Definitely. 1698 01:06:52,976 --> 01:06:54,060 Hey, hey! 1699 01:06:54,602 --> 01:06:56,021 You're gonna be Mr. Pink, okay? 1700 01:06:56,104 --> 01:06:58,356 You're Mr. Brown. I don't care if the name sounds like shit 1701 01:06:58,440 --> 01:07:00,358 or smells like shit. You're Mr. Brown. 1702 01:07:00,442 --> 01:07:02,068 You're Mr. Pink and you're Mr. Brown! 1703 01:07:02,152 --> 01:07:04,446 I'm not gonna keep telling-- You're Mr. Pink, man. 1704 01:07:05,113 --> 01:07:06,489 I sat up all night. 1705 01:07:06,573 --> 01:07:08,033 You hear me? You're Mr. Pink. 1706 01:07:08,116 --> 01:07:09,326 That's the way I figured it out. 1707 01:07:10,201 --> 01:07:11,703 Now what is your name? What-- Tell me? 1708 01:07:12,370 --> 01:07:15,206 Mr. Pink, man. But you know, I prefer Mr. Fuchsia. 1709 01:07:15,290 --> 01:07:17,876 Come on, man, just call yourself Mr. Pink. 1710 01:07:18,460 --> 01:07:20,420 Now can we get on with this shit? 1711 01:07:23,715 --> 01:07:25,925 What the fuck is on your goddamn face? 1712 01:07:26,009 --> 01:07:27,302 Why you here dressed like a mime? 1713 01:07:28,178 --> 01:07:29,387 Nigga, you told me to come 1714 01:07:29,471 --> 01:07:31,222 as your favorite character from a bank-robbery movie. 1715 01:07:31,348 --> 01:07:32,599 I chose Dead Presidents. 1716 01:07:34,559 --> 01:07:36,644 Did we not all say Reservoir Dogs was our favorite movie? 1717 01:07:36,728 --> 01:07:38,313 -[all agreeing] -I said Reservoir Dogs. 1718 01:07:38,396 --> 01:07:40,023 I sent the email. Didn't you get the email? 1719 01:07:40,106 --> 01:07:40,982 And I tweeted it. 1720 01:07:41,107 --> 01:07:42,484 I got the tweet. I definitely got the tweet. 1721 01:07:42,567 --> 01:07:43,526 I'm not following you. 1722 01:07:43,610 --> 01:07:44,986 Ain't that about a bitch? 1723 01:07:45,236 --> 01:07:47,781 Remember when you said that shit about the dark-skinned girls? 1724 01:07:47,864 --> 01:07:49,366 I stopped-- That's when I stopped following you. 1725 01:07:49,449 --> 01:07:50,492 You following me though, right? 1726 01:07:50,575 --> 01:07:52,243 -Hell yeah, I'm still following you. -Oh, cool. 1727 01:07:52,327 --> 01:07:55,372 Okay, you know what? Hey, listen, listen. 1728 01:07:55,538 --> 01:07:57,123 We're about to rob a bank, okay? 1729 01:07:57,207 --> 01:07:58,375 We gotta be together. 1730 01:07:58,625 --> 01:08:00,835 We don't have room for error. Focus. 1731 01:08:00,919 --> 01:08:03,463 Now we need to be on the same page, 'cause right now we're not. 1732 01:08:03,546 --> 01:08:06,216 We not on page two. We on page one. 1733 01:08:06,341 --> 01:08:08,176 We need to flip back to page number one 1734 01:08:08,259 --> 01:08:09,469 and read the third paragraph. 1735 01:08:09,552 --> 01:08:12,430 We can't turn to page two 'cause we're on page one. 1736 01:08:14,140 --> 01:08:15,475 [door thuds open] 1737 01:08:15,934 --> 01:08:16,768 Boy? 1738 01:08:17,310 --> 01:08:19,145 Y'all ready to set it off in this motherfucker? 1739 01:08:22,148 --> 01:08:23,274 Dance, bitch. 1740 01:08:24,734 --> 01:08:27,278 Oh, sh-- God damn! 1741 01:08:27,821 --> 01:08:28,905 [man] That's what I'm talkin' about. 1742 01:08:29,447 --> 01:08:32,659 Jail. That's where we're going, jail. 1743 01:08:33,076 --> 01:08:35,495 -♪ 'Cause I'm a hustler ♪ -♪ Fuckin' hustler, man ♪ 1744 01:08:35,578 --> 01:08:37,372 ♪ 'Cause I'm a hustler, bitch ♪ 1745 01:08:37,455 --> 01:08:39,124 ♪ 'Cause I'm a hustler, bitch ♪ 1746 01:08:43,586 --> 01:08:46,840 ♪ Livin' in the streets A hustler ♪ 1747 01:08:48,466 --> 01:08:50,552 ♪ Stone-cold cash ♪ 1748 01:08:50,635 --> 01:08:53,513 ♪ From the cradle To the grave ♪ 1749 01:08:53,763 --> 01:08:55,473 ♪ Diamonds, furs ♪ 1750 01:08:56,015 --> 01:08:57,892 ♪ And pinafores ♪ 1751 01:08:58,893 --> 01:09:02,689 ♪ Gangster never change ♪ 1752 01:09:03,356 --> 01:09:05,024 ♪ They call me suicide king ♪ 1753 01:09:05,108 --> 01:09:06,651 ♪ When I cop that Click clack ♪ 1754 01:09:06,734 --> 01:09:08,236 ♪ Pullin' all their triggers On the dime ♪ 1755 01:09:08,319 --> 01:09:10,155 ♪ When I flow back Bitches cry ♪ 1756 01:09:10,238 --> 01:09:11,739 ♪ When plush-black Comes, Jack ♪ 1757 01:09:11,823 --> 01:09:14,325 ♪ Been around the block Like a rat pack compact ♪ 1758 01:09:14,409 --> 01:09:16,786 ♪ Fuck that, I could tell you What you wanna know ♪ 1759 01:09:16,870 --> 01:09:18,997 ♪ Slick-combed cats In the pocket in the club ♪ 1760 01:09:23,501 --> 01:09:26,713 ♪ Gonna get ya Gonna get ya ♪ 1761 01:09:29,507 --> 01:09:33,636 ♪ Livin' in the streets A hustler ♪ 1762 01:09:34,387 --> 01:09:39,434 ♪ Stone-cold cash From the cradle to the grave ♪ 1763 01:09:40,477 --> 01:09:42,395 [man over radio] Rise and shine, Los Angeles, 1764 01:09:42,479 --> 01:09:43,605 it's ten o'clock in the a.m. 1765 01:09:43,688 --> 01:09:46,524 All right, guys, let's synchronize our watches. 1766 01:09:47,192 --> 01:09:48,693 The time right now is 1:00... 1767 01:09:48,776 --> 01:09:49,944 Uh... 1768 01:09:50,028 --> 01:09:51,237 I don't have a watch. 1769 01:09:51,696 --> 01:09:53,156 What you mean you don't have no watch? 1770 01:09:53,615 --> 01:09:55,492 You didn't say, "Bring a watch." 1771 01:09:55,575 --> 01:09:56,451 Should I have to? 1772 01:09:57,035 --> 01:09:57,994 If you want me to bring it. 1773 01:09:59,120 --> 01:10:00,038 What are we doing today? 1774 01:10:00,622 --> 01:10:01,664 Robbing a bank. 1775 01:10:01,748 --> 01:10:02,832 Okay, so you don't think you need a damn watch 1776 01:10:02,916 --> 01:10:04,542 to know what time you need to get out of the goddamn bank? 1777 01:10:04,626 --> 01:10:05,752 For what? We all together. 1778 01:10:05,835 --> 01:10:07,086 You know what? Forget it. 1779 01:10:07,170 --> 01:10:09,172 You don't need no watch. Just count in your head. 1780 01:10:09,255 --> 01:10:10,924 That's what you do. That's how you keep track. 1781 01:10:11,007 --> 01:10:12,342 -All right, dude? -What? 1782 01:10:12,425 --> 01:10:13,426 My sugar's low. 1783 01:10:13,510 --> 01:10:14,928 I gotta stop and get something to eat. 1784 01:10:15,011 --> 01:10:17,096 You don't need shit else to eat, fat boy. 1785 01:10:17,180 --> 01:10:18,598 We haven't got time for that shit anyway. 1786 01:10:18,681 --> 01:10:19,933 How you know what we got time for? 1787 01:10:20,016 --> 01:10:21,476 'Cause you don't got no goddamn watch. 1788 01:10:21,559 --> 01:10:23,436 -Dumbass. -That's it. Done. 1789 01:10:23,520 --> 01:10:25,396 Okay? We comin' up on the bank, guys. 1790 01:10:25,647 --> 01:10:27,649 Game faces on right now. Let's go. 1791 01:10:33,780 --> 01:10:36,324 [ticking] 1792 01:10:54,467 --> 01:10:55,468 Whoa! 1793 01:10:56,553 --> 01:10:57,512 You all right? 1794 01:10:57,595 --> 01:10:58,721 -[both muttering] -Y'all are good? 1795 01:10:58,805 --> 01:11:00,056 What're you doing, man? 1796 01:11:00,139 --> 01:11:02,767 Hey, hey! What the hell is going on? 1797 01:11:02,850 --> 01:11:03,977 Man, I think he nervous, man. 1798 01:11:04,477 --> 01:11:06,229 I told you to tie your goddamn shoe in the car. 1799 01:11:06,521 --> 01:11:08,022 You better get it together. 1800 01:11:08,106 --> 01:11:09,566 Man, let's focus now. 1801 01:11:23,413 --> 01:11:24,622 [teller] Next in line. 1802 01:11:27,584 --> 01:11:29,586 Hey, how you doin'? I got a question. 1803 01:11:29,669 --> 01:11:32,046 Hypothetically, if this bank was to get robbed, 1804 01:11:32,130 --> 01:11:33,131 is my money okay? 1805 01:11:33,381 --> 01:11:34,507 [whistling] 1806 01:11:44,892 --> 01:11:46,644 -I got it! -Shh. 1807 01:11:47,812 --> 01:11:49,355 [Joey] I mean don't worry about what I just said. 1808 01:11:49,439 --> 01:11:50,732 Let me just withdraw my money. 1809 01:11:50,815 --> 01:11:52,692 I need all my money, yeah. It's just about $95. 1810 01:11:57,322 --> 01:11:58,156 [grunting] 1811 01:12:00,366 --> 01:12:01,701 Oh! 1812 01:12:02,452 --> 01:12:04,370 [shrieking] 1813 01:12:07,665 --> 01:12:09,083 I'm part of it. I'm sorry. 1814 01:12:09,167 --> 01:12:11,002 Put my money in the motherfuckin' bag! 1815 01:12:11,586 --> 01:12:12,920 [growling] 1816 01:12:14,672 --> 01:12:16,799 -Put the money in the bag! -[taser crackling] 1817 01:12:18,259 --> 01:12:19,135 Dang it. 1818 01:12:19,636 --> 01:12:20,970 Get your-- get your-- 1819 01:12:21,512 --> 01:12:22,889 Get the fuck down! Down! 1820 01:12:24,974 --> 01:12:26,976 Everybody get the fuck down! 1821 01:12:27,226 --> 01:12:30,813 Get the fuck down! Everybody get the fuck down! 1822 01:12:30,897 --> 01:12:31,856 Get the-- Everybody! 1823 01:12:31,939 --> 01:12:33,566 You, bitch, you better get down. 1824 01:12:34,275 --> 01:12:36,736 Get your ass down. Everybody down! 1825 01:12:37,153 --> 01:12:38,237 Sixty seconds. 1826 01:12:38,404 --> 01:12:39,405 Right. 1827 01:12:47,038 --> 01:12:49,540 -Forty-five. -I'm gonna shoot somebody. 1828 01:12:51,000 --> 01:12:52,919 -Twenty-five. -I know! 1829 01:12:55,713 --> 01:12:57,757 -Fifteen. -I got it. 1830 01:12:58,716 --> 01:13:00,510 Hey, get your ass up. 1831 01:13:01,177 --> 01:13:02,512 Give me the goddamn gun. 1832 01:13:03,179 --> 01:13:05,515 Give me my gun. You think-- Get down! 1833 01:13:07,308 --> 01:13:10,561 -Five seconds. -Wait, you gotta start over. 1834 01:13:10,978 --> 01:13:13,773 I just got up here. We can't be at five that fast. 1835 01:13:13,856 --> 01:13:15,733 You gotta start it over. Robert De Niro didn't start his speech 1836 01:13:15,817 --> 01:13:16,651 until he was up here. 1837 01:13:17,402 --> 01:13:19,445 Sixty seconds. 60 seconds. 1838 01:13:19,737 --> 01:13:23,116 Everybody listen up. We're holding this bank up! 1839 01:13:23,199 --> 01:13:24,033 Understand something. 1840 01:13:24,117 --> 01:13:25,743 We do not want your money, okay? 1841 01:13:25,827 --> 01:13:27,120 We want the bank's money. 1842 01:13:27,203 --> 01:13:28,996 Your money is insured by the federal government. 1843 01:13:29,288 --> 01:13:32,291 Now do exactly as I say and you will not be hurt. 1844 01:13:32,375 --> 01:13:34,794 If you have kids and family that you love, you will listen. 1845 01:13:35,128 --> 01:13:37,422 If you gotta pee or shit, you will hold it 1846 01:13:37,547 --> 01:13:39,257 and possibly piss or shit on yourself. 1847 01:13:39,340 --> 01:13:41,843 If you gotta throw up, you will throw up in your hand 1848 01:13:41,926 --> 01:13:43,803 and put it in your pocket and wait until you get-- 1849 01:13:43,886 --> 01:13:45,388 -[man] Black! -Mr. Black? 1850 01:13:46,264 --> 01:13:49,892 Right, right. Hey, you, get your ass-- 1851 01:13:51,352 --> 01:13:52,228 Oh. 1852 01:13:54,230 --> 01:13:55,148 Oh, God damn. 1853 01:13:55,565 --> 01:13:56,816 Wait a minute. 1854 01:13:57,400 --> 01:13:59,152 Hey. Hey, beautiful. 1855 01:14:01,362 --> 01:14:02,238 How you doin'? 1856 01:14:02,655 --> 01:14:03,614 I've been better. 1857 01:14:03,698 --> 01:14:05,616 Right, considering what's going on right now. 1858 01:14:05,700 --> 01:14:07,994 -Yeah. So this your job? -Yeah. 1859 01:14:08,077 --> 01:14:09,328 How they treat you? They treat you good? 1860 01:14:09,412 --> 01:14:11,164 I mean it's okay. I got benefits. 1861 01:14:11,247 --> 01:14:12,498 -Yeah. -Question? 1862 01:14:12,582 --> 01:14:14,208 -Yeah. -How long you gonna be? 1863 01:14:14,292 --> 01:14:16,002 'Cause I gotta be somewhere at four o'clock. 1864 01:14:16,085 --> 01:14:17,754 -So can you... -No, no, no, we won't be long. 1865 01:14:17,837 --> 01:14:20,047 -[man] Watch out! -[woman] Oh, shit. 1866 01:14:20,339 --> 01:14:21,466 You gotta be kidding me. 1867 01:14:22,133 --> 01:14:24,135 Oh, you gotta be goddamn kidding me. 1868 01:14:24,510 --> 01:14:26,596 You got to be kidding me. Hold on. 1869 01:14:26,679 --> 01:14:27,889 -You need help? -No. 1870 01:14:28,222 --> 01:14:30,224 -You sure? -My feet at the ground yet? 1871 01:14:30,308 --> 01:14:32,185 -[woman] I doubt it. -[Kevin] Guys, am I close? 1872 01:14:32,268 --> 01:14:33,936 -Just drop. You good. -Oh! 1873 01:14:34,020 --> 01:14:36,522 -Okay. Give it to me. -I can't get it out. 1874 01:14:36,606 --> 01:14:38,566 -Give me the goddamn gun. -Ow! 1875 01:14:38,649 --> 01:14:40,777 Give me the goddamn-- Sit your ass down. 1876 01:14:40,860 --> 01:14:42,653 -Sit your old ass down. -Okay, okay. 1877 01:14:42,737 --> 01:14:43,988 Put your head against the wall and go to sleep. 1878 01:14:44,071 --> 01:14:45,531 -Yes, sir. -Night-night, nigga. 1879 01:14:45,615 --> 01:14:46,616 Nighty night. 1880 01:14:47,366 --> 01:14:48,326 Really, dude? 1881 01:14:49,243 --> 01:14:50,661 He caught us by surprise, man. 1882 01:14:51,037 --> 01:14:53,414 His old 195-year-old ass caught you by surprise? 1883 01:14:53,956 --> 01:14:54,832 My bad, Kev. 1884 01:14:55,500 --> 01:14:56,375 [woman laughs] 1885 01:14:56,459 --> 01:14:58,628 -Oh, my God, man. -What? 1886 01:14:58,711 --> 01:15:00,880 You called him Kevin, dickwad. 1887 01:15:00,963 --> 01:15:02,548 I called you Kev. She called you Kevin. 1888 01:15:02,632 --> 01:15:03,925 Oh, you a snitch too. 1889 01:15:04,091 --> 01:15:05,885 Don't matter. What're you supposed to call me? 1890 01:15:05,968 --> 01:15:07,178 -Mr. Black. -Okay. 1891 01:15:07,261 --> 01:15:08,221 Why don't you call me Mr. Black? 1892 01:15:08,304 --> 01:15:09,847 That's what we worked on all day. I'm Mr. Black. 1893 01:15:09,931 --> 01:15:10,848 You know I'm Mr. Black. 1894 01:15:10,932 --> 01:15:13,184 -So call me Mr. Black, man. -Call him Mr. Black! 1895 01:15:13,434 --> 01:15:18,022 Think about black pepper. Think about Kunta Kinte black. 1896 01:15:18,105 --> 01:15:18,940 -Right. -You know? 1897 01:15:19,023 --> 01:15:21,025 Think about them black bumps on Morgan Freeman. 1898 01:15:21,108 --> 01:15:23,611 You know how Morgan Freeman got those black moles all over his face? 1899 01:15:23,694 --> 01:15:25,404 Black like that. Black like his little black ass. 1900 01:15:25,488 --> 01:15:26,823 -Okay, we get it. -Just black. 1901 01:15:26,906 --> 01:15:28,574 -Thank you. -Twizzler black. 1902 01:15:28,658 --> 01:15:30,034 [Taraji] Yeah, there you go. 1903 01:15:30,117 --> 01:15:31,536 Hey, that nigga black as train smoke. 1904 01:15:31,619 --> 01:15:33,204 Blacker than Adebisi from Oz. 1905 01:15:33,287 --> 01:15:34,664 Blacker than limo tint. 1906 01:15:34,747 --> 01:15:38,084 Black like the back of Forest Whitaker's black neck. 1907 01:15:38,167 --> 01:15:40,461 -Thank you, Taraji. -You're welcome, Kevin. 1908 01:15:40,545 --> 01:15:41,838 -Okay. -With your little cute self. 1909 01:15:41,921 --> 01:15:43,840 Taraji, I am filming a goddamn action scene. 1910 01:15:43,923 --> 01:15:46,592 Don't call me cute right now. You just made it real. 1911 01:15:46,676 --> 01:15:49,095 You get down! You better get your ass down. 1912 01:15:49,178 --> 01:15:50,555 I'm not getting on the ground, little man. 1913 01:15:50,638 --> 01:15:51,722 You gonna get your ass on that-- 1914 01:15:51,806 --> 01:15:53,724 I'm not getting on the ground. 1915 01:15:54,100 --> 01:15:55,351 What is the problem? 1916 01:15:55,434 --> 01:15:56,644 Because I just bought this suit. 1917 01:15:56,727 --> 01:15:58,312 I'm not getting on the ground because it's filthy. 1918 01:15:58,396 --> 01:15:59,730 They don't wash these carpets. 1919 01:15:59,814 --> 01:16:01,023 Fine. I'll get you a suit. 1920 01:16:01,107 --> 01:16:01,941 Okay. 1921 01:16:02,900 --> 01:16:04,694 Would I be robbing a bank if I had the goddamn money? 1922 01:16:04,777 --> 01:16:05,903 I can't help you with that. 1923 01:16:05,987 --> 01:16:07,655 But I'm not getting on this damn ground. 1924 01:16:07,822 --> 01:16:08,656 Get it out of the register. 1925 01:16:08,739 --> 01:16:10,408 Oh, it's not coming out of my drawer, boo boo. 1926 01:16:10,491 --> 01:16:11,617 I could get fired for that. 1927 01:16:11,993 --> 01:16:13,828 Jackie Robinson, get your old ass up. 1928 01:16:14,287 --> 01:16:15,580 Get the money out the register. 1929 01:16:15,663 --> 01:16:16,956 -[drawer clicks] -How much was the suit? 1930 01:16:17,039 --> 01:16:20,376 -Oh, $400 for the suit. -Give me $400. 1931 01:16:20,459 --> 01:16:23,629 But I'm gonna need $300 for my shoes that are gonna get scuffed on the way down. 1932 01:16:23,713 --> 01:16:25,631 Give me the fuckin' $400 plus the $300. 1933 01:16:25,715 --> 01:16:27,216 Oh, wait, and $200 for my hair 1934 01:16:27,300 --> 01:16:28,634 'cause this carpet's filthy. 1935 01:16:28,718 --> 01:16:31,262 I can't, you know, my hair. So that's two, four, three. 1936 01:16:31,345 --> 01:16:33,014 -That's nine, round it up. -Like $1,000. 1937 01:16:33,097 --> 01:16:34,265 Yeah, a G. I'll take a G. 1938 01:16:34,640 --> 01:16:36,475 Get the motherfuckin' G out of there. 1939 01:16:36,559 --> 01:16:37,810 "Get the G outta the register." 1940 01:16:37,894 --> 01:16:39,228 -Count it out. -I want big bills. 1941 01:16:39,312 --> 01:16:40,521 The fuckin' bills, bitch. 1942 01:16:40,605 --> 01:16:41,814 "Get the big bills, bitch!" 1943 01:16:43,149 --> 01:16:44,442 Get the big bills, bitch. 1944 01:16:44,734 --> 01:16:46,068 Ha! This is fun. 1945 01:16:46,402 --> 01:16:47,904 Get your goddamn money. 1946 01:16:47,987 --> 01:16:49,238 "Get my money, bitch." 1947 01:16:49,488 --> 01:16:50,531 "Throw me my money!" 1948 01:16:50,615 --> 01:16:51,449 Get your goddamn ass-- 1949 01:16:51,532 --> 01:16:52,533 "Get your ass down!" 1950 01:16:53,284 --> 01:16:54,493 You down! 1951 01:16:54,702 --> 01:16:56,370 I'm gonna count my money first. 1952 01:16:56,829 --> 01:16:59,123 One, two, three, four... 1953 01:16:59,498 --> 01:17:00,666 How long we been in this bank? 1954 01:17:00,750 --> 01:17:04,337 We've been here 11 and a half minutes already. 1955 01:17:04,545 --> 01:17:05,922 You need to get your ass down. 1956 01:17:06,005 --> 01:17:07,006 Can you ask a little nicer? 1957 01:17:07,089 --> 01:17:08,591 Can you please get down, Taraji? 1958 01:17:08,674 --> 01:17:10,593 Okay, Kevin. [squeals] You're so cute. 1959 01:17:10,676 --> 01:17:12,887 So cute! Ooh-ooh! 1960 01:17:12,970 --> 01:17:15,181 You know what? You done called me cute the last time. 1961 01:17:16,766 --> 01:17:17,934 What the fuck was that? 1962 01:17:18,100 --> 01:17:18,935 What? 1963 01:17:19,268 --> 01:17:20,811 This motherfucker's signaling people. 1964 01:17:21,228 --> 01:17:22,313 I scratched my ass. 1965 01:17:22,396 --> 01:17:23,731 Oh, you a dirty motherfucker. 1966 01:17:23,814 --> 01:17:25,316 You don't wash your ass, bitch? 1967 01:17:25,399 --> 01:17:26,442 What, you don't know about hygiene? 1968 01:17:26,525 --> 01:17:27,777 -You don't take no shower? -No. 1969 01:17:27,860 --> 01:17:30,571 -Get your ass down. -I didn't like you anyway. 1970 01:17:30,821 --> 01:17:32,448 Yo, we gonna have company. 1971 01:17:33,157 --> 01:17:34,784 What's in the vault? I'm hittin' the vault! 1972 01:17:51,258 --> 01:17:52,385 Hey! 1973 01:17:54,261 --> 01:17:55,388 [man] Come on! 1974 01:17:55,972 --> 01:17:56,973 Let's go! 1975 01:17:58,933 --> 01:18:00,017 I'm coming, I'm coming. 1976 01:18:00,726 --> 01:18:02,311 Go, leave me. 1977 01:18:04,438 --> 01:18:06,023 Yeah. Hey? 1978 01:18:06,399 --> 01:18:09,610 I think I got the heavy one. Yup, I got the heavy one. 1979 01:18:09,694 --> 01:18:10,653 -Come on, man. -I'm coming. 1980 01:18:10,820 --> 01:18:12,613 -Let's go. -Go, go, go. 1981 01:18:13,614 --> 01:18:14,615 I'm good! 1982 01:18:15,157 --> 01:18:17,868 You better sit the fuck-- Nobody move. 1983 01:18:18,703 --> 01:18:20,204 You just got robbed, bitch. 1984 01:18:22,748 --> 01:18:23,874 What's going on over here? 1985 01:18:23,958 --> 01:18:25,376 I'm trying to figure this shit out, man. 1986 01:18:25,459 --> 01:18:27,586 -Figure what out? -Can't get the seats up. 1987 01:18:27,795 --> 01:18:28,963 Why the hell did you put them down? 1988 01:18:29,046 --> 01:18:30,381 I was trying to make room for more money. 1989 01:18:30,464 --> 01:18:32,174 There's seven of us. Where the hell are we supposed to sit? 1990 01:18:32,299 --> 01:18:33,718 I just thought about that shit, man. 1991 01:18:33,801 --> 01:18:34,885 What's going on over here? 1992 01:18:34,969 --> 01:18:37,263 Jackass put the seats down and can't get 'em back up. 1993 01:18:37,346 --> 01:18:38,764 Why would you put the seats down? 1994 01:18:38,848 --> 01:18:40,016 Trying to make room for more money. 1995 01:18:40,099 --> 01:18:41,183 But you know there's seven of us. 1996 01:18:41,267 --> 01:18:42,476 Well, I just thought about that shit. 1997 01:18:42,560 --> 01:18:43,477 [sighs in exasperation] 1998 01:18:43,561 --> 01:18:45,521 What-- What the hell is going on? 1999 01:18:45,604 --> 01:18:46,856 Jackass put the seats down. 2000 01:18:46,981 --> 01:18:48,107 Why the fuck would you do that? 2001 01:18:48,190 --> 01:18:49,650 Trying to make room for more money. 2002 01:18:49,734 --> 01:18:50,860 Fuck. There's seven of us. 2003 01:18:50,943 --> 01:18:52,153 Man, I just thought about that. 2004 01:18:52,236 --> 01:18:53,404 Man, what y'all doing? 2005 01:18:53,487 --> 01:18:55,322 Jackass here put the seats down and can't get 'em back up. 2006 01:18:55,406 --> 01:18:57,033 What the fuck you do that for? 2007 01:18:57,116 --> 01:18:59,618 -I was trying to make room for more money. -There's seven of us. 2008 01:18:59,702 --> 01:19:01,078 I just thought about that shit, man. 2009 01:19:01,162 --> 01:19:03,748 What are you-- What the fuck's going on? 2010 01:19:03,831 --> 01:19:05,875 -Jackass put the seats down. -Why'd you do that? 2011 01:19:05,958 --> 01:19:07,626 I was trying to make room for more money. 2012 01:19:07,710 --> 01:19:09,045 There's seven of us, Mr. Brown. 2013 01:19:09,128 --> 01:19:10,254 What the fuck are you doing? 2014 01:19:10,337 --> 01:19:11,380 I just thought about that shit. 2015 01:19:11,464 --> 01:19:12,631 You're gonna get somebody killed. 2016 01:19:12,715 --> 01:19:14,341 Get your ass in the car, man. 2017 01:19:14,425 --> 01:19:16,135 -Dumb motherfucker, man. -Come on, y'all, let's go. 2018 01:19:16,218 --> 01:19:17,136 We gotta go. 2019 01:19:18,012 --> 01:19:19,138 -Come on. -Let's go. 2020 01:19:20,181 --> 01:19:23,225 Uh, Mr. Black? Where's Mr. Black? 2021 01:19:23,809 --> 01:19:25,519 [panting] 2022 01:19:26,645 --> 01:19:28,147 There he go. Go get him. 2023 01:19:29,231 --> 01:19:31,358 Shit. Okay, I got it. Y'all don't worry about it. 2024 01:19:31,442 --> 01:19:32,818 I got it, I got it. 2025 01:19:33,319 --> 01:19:34,862 -[muttering] -Yeah. 2026 01:19:36,113 --> 01:19:37,948 Y'all gave me the one with all the $100s. 2027 01:19:38,032 --> 01:19:39,867 That's why it's so heavy. Just go. 2028 01:19:39,950 --> 01:19:41,911 -Okay? -Go. See ya. 2029 01:19:42,787 --> 01:19:43,996 Come on, let's go. Come on! 2030 01:19:45,456 --> 01:19:46,707 -He said "go." -You sure? 2031 01:19:46,791 --> 01:19:49,001 -He said "go!" -You sure he said "go"? 2032 01:19:49,085 --> 01:19:51,420 -Yeah, he said "go." -Just give me a second. 2033 01:19:52,171 --> 01:19:53,130 I'll be all right. 2034 01:19:53,422 --> 01:19:54,715 I don't think that means go. 2035 01:19:54,799 --> 01:19:56,467 -No. -Oh, shit! 2036 01:19:56,550 --> 01:19:57,384 That's definitely "go." 2037 01:19:57,468 --> 01:19:58,844 He's doing that Queen Latifah move, yo! 2038 01:19:58,928 --> 01:20:00,137 He's sacrificing for the team. 2039 01:20:00,221 --> 01:20:01,055 [sirens wailing] 2040 01:20:01,138 --> 01:20:02,473 I just need a second. I'll be right there. 2041 01:20:02,556 --> 01:20:03,641 That's love, y'all! 2042 01:20:03,724 --> 01:20:05,726 That motherfucker's dumb. Fuck it. Let's go. 2043 01:20:05,810 --> 01:20:07,186 -Close the door! -He said, "Let's go." 2044 01:20:07,269 --> 01:20:08,646 -Close the door. -He's saying "Let's go." 2045 01:20:09,105 --> 01:20:11,482 No, no, don't leave. No, no. 2046 01:20:12,942 --> 01:20:14,235 No, no. 2047 01:20:16,612 --> 01:20:18,239 No, no! 2048 01:20:19,115 --> 01:20:19,949 No! 2049 01:20:20,032 --> 01:20:21,575 [siren wailing] 2050 01:20:21,659 --> 01:20:23,160 No! No! 2051 01:20:27,081 --> 01:20:28,374 Yo! 2052 01:20:29,291 --> 01:20:31,544 Y'all don't leave me! What you leavin' for? 2053 01:20:32,128 --> 01:20:33,504 Mr. Brown! 2054 01:20:55,025 --> 01:20:56,443 What the fuck am I thinkin' about? 2055 01:20:58,320 --> 01:20:59,530 [grunts] 2056 01:21:02,825 --> 01:21:05,202 [Larry King] On tonight's show, we have Henry Witherspoon. 2057 01:21:05,286 --> 01:21:08,330 He's the father of the world-renowned comedian Kevin Hart. 2058 01:21:09,206 --> 01:21:12,543 Kevin's wildly successful standup comedy film, 2059 01:21:12,626 --> 01:21:14,253 Laugh At My Pain, 2060 01:21:14,712 --> 01:21:16,672 attributes some horrific actions 2061 01:21:16,755 --> 01:21:18,340 to Mr. Witherspoon... 2062 01:21:18,424 --> 01:21:20,259 I'll take a glass of milk, please. 2063 01:21:21,177 --> 01:21:23,304 [Larry] First and foremost, what do you work at? 2064 01:21:23,762 --> 01:21:26,182 I'm an engineer. I'm an oil-burner technician. 2065 01:21:26,265 --> 01:21:27,391 [Larry] What does that mean? 2066 01:21:27,975 --> 01:21:29,143 That's my goddamn dad. 2067 01:21:29,226 --> 01:21:31,437 That mean I fix oil burners. I take care of burners. 2068 01:21:31,520 --> 01:21:32,605 [Larry laughs] Okay... 2069 01:21:32,688 --> 01:21:33,814 My damn dad. 2070 01:21:35,316 --> 01:21:36,775 What's he doing on Larry King? 2071 01:21:37,359 --> 01:21:39,486 You have thrown your son in a pool 2072 01:21:39,570 --> 01:21:40,988 in which he almost dies. 2073 01:21:41,071 --> 01:21:42,740 You steal a police dog. 2074 01:21:42,823 --> 01:21:45,326 You ruin your son's spelling-bee competition. 2075 01:21:45,409 --> 01:21:46,452 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 2076 01:21:46,535 --> 01:21:47,453 All those true? 2077 01:21:47,536 --> 01:21:49,455 Yeah, every one of them. Yeah. 2078 01:21:49,538 --> 01:21:51,081 Were you stoned at the time? 2079 01:21:51,165 --> 01:21:54,251 Um, let's see. When I threw him in the pool, 2080 01:21:54,335 --> 01:21:56,086 I was higher than the Georgia pine. 2081 01:21:57,087 --> 01:21:59,590 Uh, when I stole the police car... 2082 01:21:59,673 --> 01:22:01,050 'Cause it was a car, not a dog. 2083 01:22:01,133 --> 01:22:03,177 When I stole the car, yeah, I was high. 2084 01:22:03,552 --> 01:22:05,930 Do you see that shit? Do you see this shit? 2085 01:22:06,013 --> 01:22:08,933 Is Kevin Hart your biological son or did you adopt him? 2086 01:22:09,016 --> 01:22:10,935 He better be my biological son. 2087 01:22:11,018 --> 01:22:12,728 I supported the nigga. I paid for him. 2088 01:22:12,811 --> 01:22:13,646 [Larry laughs] 2089 01:22:13,729 --> 01:22:17,316 Now why does Kevin have several stepbrothers and stepsisters 2090 01:22:17,399 --> 01:22:18,734 that are the same age as him? 2091 01:22:19,235 --> 01:22:21,237 Papa was a rolling stone. 2092 01:22:21,320 --> 01:22:22,988 -It is what it is. -[Larry laughs] 2093 01:22:23,239 --> 01:22:25,824 Is it true you took your son to the wrong day-care center? 2094 01:22:25,908 --> 01:22:29,954 Yeah. I got Kevin there and he took me-- 2095 01:22:30,037 --> 01:22:32,039 One was on one side, one was on the other. 2096 01:22:32,373 --> 01:22:35,209 He took me to one and told me, "Go ahead, Dad. 2097 01:22:35,292 --> 01:22:37,211 I got it. I'm good." 2098 01:22:37,836 --> 01:22:41,966 So I left. Later on that day, 2099 01:22:42,258 --> 01:22:44,927 a priest showed up where I was working with my son. 2100 01:22:46,053 --> 01:22:48,138 You know what? I don't need the milk. 2101 01:22:49,139 --> 01:22:52,476 I'm going. I'm gonna find out where the goddamn studio is. 2102 01:22:52,559 --> 01:22:53,602 I'm on my way, bitch. 2103 01:22:54,436 --> 01:22:56,855 Kevin says that you tried to force sex on him 2104 01:22:56,939 --> 01:22:59,733 at the age of 13 with a female friend's young daughter. 2105 01:22:59,817 --> 01:23:00,651 Is that true? 2106 01:23:00,734 --> 01:23:02,236 Yeah, I tried to get him-- 2107 01:23:02,319 --> 01:23:05,322 Um, that's like this. 2108 01:23:05,406 --> 01:23:08,867 Black fathers want to be sure 2109 01:23:10,286 --> 01:23:12,871 that their young boys turn into young men. 2110 01:23:13,622 --> 01:23:16,000 And the best way to do that is get 'em wet. 2111 01:23:16,792 --> 01:23:17,876 -Wet? -Yeah. 2112 01:23:17,960 --> 01:23:19,086 -Good term. -Yeah. 2113 01:23:20,004 --> 01:23:22,339 [theme music playing] 2114 01:24:20,731 --> 01:24:22,649 We're back with Spoon. Henry Witherspoon. 2115 01:24:22,775 --> 01:24:25,277 We are now joined by his famous son Kevin Hart. 2116 01:24:25,361 --> 01:24:26,779 What's your relationship now? 2117 01:24:27,071 --> 01:24:29,406 Uh, my relationship with my dad now, Larry, is excellent. 2118 01:24:29,490 --> 01:24:32,326 You know, I gotta honestly say it's better than it has been before. 2119 01:24:32,534 --> 01:24:33,869 Not that it was ever bad, 2120 01:24:33,952 --> 01:24:36,288 but you know, the older you get, the more you mature. 2121 01:24:36,372 --> 01:24:39,833 I can say right now I'm at the highest level of maturity 2122 01:24:39,917 --> 01:24:40,751 I've ever been in my life. 2123 01:24:40,834 --> 01:24:42,419 And I gotta say it's because of this man right here. 2124 01:24:42,503 --> 01:24:43,837 Are you best friends now? 2125 01:24:43,921 --> 01:24:45,297 -Of course, of course. -Yeah, yeah. 2126 01:24:45,381 --> 01:24:47,466 Uh, this is my man. My man pots and pans. 2127 01:24:47,549 --> 01:24:49,676 You know? I think we're probably friends 'cause he understands 2128 01:24:49,760 --> 01:24:52,012 at the current time, I'll whip his ass, Larry. 2129 01:24:52,096 --> 01:24:53,263 You know, it's not what it used to be. 2130 01:24:53,347 --> 01:24:54,264 -Aha. -Yeah. 2131 01:24:54,348 --> 01:24:55,557 I beat the hell out of this boy. 2132 01:24:56,725 --> 01:24:57,684 It's not what it used to be. 2133 01:24:57,768 --> 01:24:58,644 I'll put my hands on him now. 2134 01:24:58,727 --> 01:25:01,522 He right, but he got to remember I'll cut him. 2135 01:25:01,897 --> 01:25:05,025 Do you think with what you went through growing up, 2136 01:25:05,526 --> 01:25:07,361 that comedy is therapy for you? 2137 01:25:07,486 --> 01:25:09,321 Oh, yes, yes, you know? 2138 01:25:09,405 --> 01:25:11,365 Because I didn't have other outlets. 2139 01:25:11,448 --> 01:25:12,408 You know? I mean, 2140 01:25:12,491 --> 01:25:14,034 it wasn't like there was people I was talking to 2141 01:25:14,118 --> 01:25:15,369 about what I was going through. 2142 01:25:15,577 --> 01:25:19,623 Uh, standup comedy gave me the ability to share my stories 2143 01:25:19,915 --> 01:25:20,999 and get results. 2144 01:25:21,083 --> 01:25:22,418 You know? Get immediate results. 2145 01:25:22,501 --> 01:25:24,503 -Even using your dad. -Even using my dad. 2146 01:25:24,586 --> 01:25:25,546 You know, you're taking your pain 2147 01:25:25,629 --> 01:25:26,880 and getting people to laugh at it. 2148 01:25:26,964 --> 01:25:28,590 You know, guys, Larry Gelbart, 2149 01:25:28,674 --> 01:25:30,509 the great late comedy writer, 2150 01:25:30,592 --> 01:25:33,303 told me once he was carrying his little granddaughter. 2151 01:25:33,762 --> 01:25:34,888 And he said, "Do you know why 2152 01:25:34,972 --> 01:25:37,641 grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?" 2153 01:25:37,724 --> 01:25:39,643 'Cause you can send them home when you're tired of them. 2154 01:25:39,726 --> 01:25:41,562 "'Cause they have a common enemy." 2155 01:25:41,645 --> 01:25:42,479 [laughing] 2156 01:25:42,563 --> 01:25:45,065 That's pretty funny. That's very funny. 2157 01:25:45,149 --> 01:25:47,985 Thank you, guys. Hey, tomorrow night, what a show we've got. 2158 01:25:48,318 --> 01:25:49,987 Todd Bridges is gonna be with us 2159 01:25:50,070 --> 01:25:51,363 with his best friend. 2160 01:25:51,822 --> 01:25:54,491 His best friend, he says, stole his image. 2161 01:25:54,741 --> 01:25:56,660 That's tomorrow night. It's gonna be hot. 2162 01:25:56,743 --> 01:25:58,036 You will not want to miss it. 2163 01:25:58,245 --> 01:25:59,079 Yeah. 2164 01:25:59,329 --> 01:26:00,497 [laughing] 2165 01:26:00,581 --> 01:26:02,374 All right, all right, all right! 2166 01:26:02,458 --> 01:26:04,293 I was an honor-roll student when I went here. 2167 01:26:04,376 --> 01:26:06,336 You can look it up. Do you have your files? 2168 01:26:06,420 --> 01:26:08,714 If you want me to come talk to some kids, I'm available. 2169 01:26:08,797 --> 01:26:10,716 You know? I'm a great motivational speaker. 2170 01:26:11,091 --> 01:26:14,094 Uh, I can definitely tell kids, "Don't do drugs. 2171 01:26:14,261 --> 01:26:16,054 And if you do do it, just do it once 2172 01:26:16,138 --> 01:26:17,723 because that's kind of when 2173 01:26:17,806 --> 01:26:18,974 you get the effect that you need 2174 01:26:19,057 --> 01:26:19,933 and you can let it go." 2175 01:26:20,017 --> 01:26:21,101 [laughing] 2176 01:26:21,518 --> 01:26:23,562 Here's something basically... 2177 01:26:23,770 --> 01:26:24,980 At the top, what do you see? 2178 01:26:25,063 --> 01:26:27,357 You see "Graduated to Greatness." 2179 01:26:27,733 --> 01:26:30,777 Okay? I mean, I'm in a great spot right now. 2180 01:26:31,069 --> 01:26:32,070 I'm definitely-- 2181 01:26:32,654 --> 01:26:34,406 I'm definitely probably on here. 2182 01:26:35,657 --> 01:26:37,326 See, that's weird. 2183 01:26:38,035 --> 01:26:40,370 I wonder who made this. They probably just didn't... 2184 01:26:41,205 --> 01:26:43,373 Let's just put this down, because I don't think it's... 2185 01:26:43,457 --> 01:26:45,125 I don't think it's something that's relevant. 2186 01:26:45,667 --> 01:26:47,920 Whatever. It's not even a big deal. I'm not upset about it. 2187 01:26:48,003 --> 01:26:49,171 I'm definitely not mad. 2188 01:26:49,755 --> 01:26:52,424 I broke my finger. Somebody opened the door. 2189 01:26:52,508 --> 01:26:55,719 While they opened the door, I had my finger like this. 2190 01:26:55,802 --> 01:26:58,013 I didn't cry. Why didn't I cry? 2191 01:26:58,096 --> 01:26:59,973 I'm a fuckin' man. I took it. 2192 01:27:00,140 --> 01:27:02,768 No tears. I passed out. 2193 01:27:03,644 --> 01:27:05,062 That's probably why I didn't cry. 2194 01:27:05,145 --> 01:27:07,397 We about to jump in the shit right now. It's gonna get crazy. 2195 01:27:07,481 --> 01:27:09,816 Okay? Now I got some white people on this camera crew. 2196 01:27:09,900 --> 01:27:11,944 I need y'all to look alive, stay alert. 2197 01:27:12,027 --> 01:27:13,862 If I say run, run, okay? 2198 01:27:13,946 --> 01:27:15,822 When I say, "Get the fuck out of here," y'all go. 2199 01:27:15,906 --> 01:27:17,491 It used to be he was my brother. 2200 01:27:17,574 --> 01:27:19,451 You know, it done turned full circle now. 2201 01:27:19,535 --> 01:27:21,370 I don't even have a name. 2202 01:27:21,453 --> 01:27:22,496 I'm his brother now. 2203 01:27:22,579 --> 01:27:23,956 People don't even call me by my name anymore. 2204 01:27:24,039 --> 01:27:24,998 Nothing's changed. 2205 01:27:25,082 --> 01:27:27,584 He's got the attention span of a teen girl. 2206 01:27:27,668 --> 01:27:30,170 There's nothing that's changed about him. He's still the same cat, 2207 01:27:30,254 --> 01:27:32,422 except he's got more money. He's still-- 2208 01:27:32,506 --> 01:27:35,175 You know, "Hey, hey!" Trying to fast-talk me. 2209 01:27:35,259 --> 01:27:36,134 "Hey, hey." 2210 01:27:36,218 --> 01:27:37,511 Like he's playing three-card monte. 2211 01:27:37,594 --> 01:27:39,179 Everybody want to be famous, don't nobody want to do the work. 2212 01:27:39,263 --> 01:27:40,264 Spank, give me two, baby. Let's go. 2213 01:27:40,347 --> 01:27:41,348 Let's go, baby. 2214 01:27:41,431 --> 01:27:43,141 [both breathing hard] 2215 01:27:46,895 --> 01:27:48,313 Come on now. Now you. 2216 01:27:49,815 --> 01:27:51,149 Come on, give me that. 2217 01:27:51,483 --> 01:27:53,527 Hold 'em up. There you go. Come on, Harry. 2218 01:27:54,069 --> 01:27:55,862 Come on, boy. Come on. 2219 01:27:55,946 --> 01:27:57,906 -Easy greasy. -Come on now, Clyde. Give me some. 2220 01:27:58,782 --> 01:28:00,284 -That's a strike. -That's what I'm talkin' about. 2221 01:28:00,367 --> 01:28:02,995 Wayne, give me two. Give me the belly. Give me the belly. 2222 01:28:03,078 --> 01:28:06,206 All right? How you doin'? Always-always. 2223 01:28:06,290 --> 01:28:08,417 Nate, give me some. That's the baby. 2224 01:28:08,500 --> 01:28:09,543 All right. 2225 01:28:09,626 --> 01:28:10,711 [laughter] 2226 01:28:11,295 --> 01:28:12,296 Hey! 2227 01:28:12,379 --> 01:28:13,714 [babbling] 2228 01:28:14,089 --> 01:28:15,632 Look at me though. Look at me, look at me. 2229 01:28:15,716 --> 01:28:18,635 Spoony G! Come give me some, Spoony G. 2230 01:28:18,719 --> 01:28:19,803 Come give me some. 2231 01:28:21,346 --> 01:28:23,640 All right, man. Was it good shit? 2232 01:28:23,974 --> 01:28:24,975 Hah! 2233 01:28:25,058 --> 01:28:27,728 What's in your mouth? What's that in your mouth? 2234 01:28:27,811 --> 01:28:28,812 [child giggles]