1 00:00:02,235 --> 00:00:03,702 - We have a meeting with, like, a super-rich client. 2 00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:07,272 He's so busy that 6:00 a.M. Is the only time he could meet. 3 00:00:07,274 --> 00:00:08,073 Liz! - Yeah? 4 00:00:08,075 --> 00:00:10,576 - Honestly, you need to wake up. - Mm-hmm. 5 00:00:10,578 --> 00:00:11,176 I'm sleepy. 6 00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:13,779 - This client could be the one who changes the game for us, 7 00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:17,082 Because, honestly, our company is out of money. 8 00:00:17,084 --> 00:00:18,917 The company is in trouble, and I'm gonna save it, 9 00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:22,955 Even if it means that we have to work with the devil himself. 10 00:00:22,957 --> 00:00:24,723 [dramatic music] 11 00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:29,495 - All right, let's get this consultation "schnarted," right? 12 00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,997 [laughs] 13 00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:32,998 - I'm liz. 14 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,133 I bankrupted the company, 15 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:36,168 And now it's time for me to grow up, 16 00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:37,903 'cause I'm looking for love. 17 00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,538 - And I'm liz. 18 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,140 I got bangs! 19 00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:44,877 - Our p.R. Firm is called publizity. 20 00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:47,713 - It's based off our names. 21 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,815 - I love your show. I'm a huge fan of your show. 22 00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:50,916 - Oh, my god. - Oh, my god. 23 00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:52,184 - Honestly, I'm modest. - You go. 24 00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:53,952 - I'm, like, bashful. I'm, like, modest. 25 00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:57,156 - You're so shy and small, and you're so loud and huge. 26 00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:57,956 - Oh, my god, thank you. 27 00:00:57,958 --> 00:01:00,659 - I need to do a full conversion to judaism, 28 00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:01,727 And I need it done now. 29 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:02,661 - Oh, wow. - That's cool. 30 00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:06,298 - Ever since I flat-lined, like, I just love jews, you know? 31 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,966 Like, they're so funny. 32 00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,302 So I need to become a man, or whatever, 33 00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:11,703 So that's bar mitzvah. 34 00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:13,272 - You're gonna have a bar mitzvah. 35 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,339 - So I'll learn yiddish 36 00:01:14,341 --> 00:01:16,809 And then get carried around on a chair by men. 37 00:01:16,811 --> 00:01:19,645 - Oh, my god, welcome to the tribe. 38 00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:21,146 What I'm hearing is that you want to have 39 00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:23,916 Something, like, fun that's, like, jew... 40 00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:25,384 - You know, "jewmanji." 41 00:01:25,386 --> 00:01:26,385 - "jewmanji." 42 00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:29,021 - Like, respectful to the religion of judaism, 43 00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:30,689 But, like, also just disgusting. 44 00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:32,524 - Jumanji is one of my favorite 45 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,126 Bonnie hunt movies that there is. 46 00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:35,360 - I have tons of money. - Mm. 47 00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:37,996 I need to be with a socially appropriate man, 48 00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:40,365 Someone who's upstanding, like wendy. 49 00:01:40,367 --> 00:01:42,568 You are literally such a stud. 50 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:45,104 It's like, what the hunk? - Thank you. 51 00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:45,704 - Oh, yeah. 52 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,773 - There's got to be a christmas tree at some point, 53 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,408 Because otherwise my parents won't pay for it. 54 00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:51,910 - I think it's really cool that you're gonna have christmas 55 00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:54,313 At your own bar mitzvah, because, like, honestly, 56 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:56,482 I'm just trying to say, like, whatever I can 57 00:01:56,484 --> 00:01:57,216 To close this deal. 58 00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:58,684 For me, it's a very personal mission, 59 00:01:58,686 --> 00:02:00,953 Because, like, I want to right the wrongs 60 00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:01,987 Of my own bat mitzvah, 61 00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:06,792 Which was, like, a very traumatic experience for me. 62 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:09,261 Oh, my god, it's happening. Oh, my god. 63 00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:11,430 - And then I need to get, like, bris'd out. 64 00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:13,198 I need to cut my dick apart. 65 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,099 It's, like, no big deal, 66 00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:15,734 Because it's already a little disease-y there. 67 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:18,203 Over the years, my penis has because kind of "infarcted," 68 00:02:18,205 --> 00:02:21,006 So, like, it's gonna be good to just cut it off. 69 00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:23,008 - He's rich. He's impotent. 70 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:23,842 I'm interested. 71 00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:26,411 - [snorts] oh, my god, I just had an amazing idea. 72 00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:30,249 Wendy shawn, you're gonna have a bris mitzvah. 73 00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:31,116 - What? - Oh, my god. 74 00:02:31,118 --> 00:02:32,985 - You just come up with that? - Mm-hmm. 75 00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:36,455 We'll get the doctor or rabbi to perform the bris hisself. 76 00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:37,356 - Right. - Oh, no. 77 00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,458 My girlfriend's gonna perform the bris-- 78 00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:40,559 A gorgeous jewess. 79 00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:42,761 I can't believe I'm getting chubbed up by a jew. 80 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,429 - I think he's having a real "barkthrough." 81 00:02:44,431 --> 00:02:46,565 - Would you honor me by letting me take you out 82 00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,133 To l.A. Deli to get a nosh? 83 00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:49,368 - Oh, my god, "congraturitos." 84 00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:51,003 - You're girlfriend's gonna do it. 85 00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:52,004 - The whole thing is about her. 86 00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:54,473 I'm kind of proposing to her after I convert. 87 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:55,674 - Oh, my god, that's so beautiful. 88 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:56,909 So, like, you haven't locked it down yet. 89 00:02:56,911 --> 00:02:58,911 Like, you haven't asked that specific jewish woman. 90 00:02:58,913 --> 00:03:00,245 Like, you could ask another jewish woman. 91 00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:03,348 Like, there are, like, different jewish women, like, around. 92 00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:04,950 - This is gonna be so "farn." 93 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,818 - Wha-- - did you say it was "farn"? 94 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:08,053 - W-wait? 95 00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:08,987 - "farn." 96 00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:09,955 - Oh, my god. 97 00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:13,125 [dubstep music] 98 00:03:13,127 --> 00:03:21,366 ♪ ♪ 99 00:03:23,436 --> 00:03:24,870 Are you circumcised? 100 00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:26,371 - I am not circumcised. 101 00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:27,606 Uncircumcised guy here. 102 00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:31,410 My penis is a little, tiny white shrimp, 103 00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:34,479 And it's got a turtleneck on. 104 00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:35,647 [laughter] 105 00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:38,784 - Has a girl ever been surprised by it? 106 00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:39,551 - No. 107 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,687 They're not, like, full of joy or any-- 108 00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:43,288 Well, they don't-- 109 00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:46,425 [dramatic music] 110 00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:49,661 ♪ ♪ 111 00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:50,362 - What do you see? 112 00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:51,763 - I see a dead girl in the trash. 113 00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:54,199 - People are gonna think you're the one 114 00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:55,300 Killing these dead girls. 115 00:03:55,302 --> 00:03:57,869 - Sometimes I wish it was. 116 00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:00,939 Crazy couple years, 117 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:03,709 With all the women in my life getting murdered. 118 00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:05,043 [gunshot] 119 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:06,878 That girl's dead. 120 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:07,746 This girl's dead. 121 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,248 That girl's dead. That girl's dead. 122 00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,415 - We already know they're dead. 123 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,551 - I'm telling you, these are all connected. 124 00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:14,253 - Aw, give me a flippin' break. 125 00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:15,520 - Why don't you come over to my place 126 00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:19,291 For a nice home-cooked meal with me and my family, hmm? 127 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,826 - He'll be there. 128 00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:22,461 That's an order. 129 00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:24,162 [laughter] 130 00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:26,865 - So, logan, I hope my daughter here 131 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,166 Isn't giving you too much trouble. 132 00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:30,102 - Yeah, as long as she's not the one 133 00:04:30,104 --> 00:04:31,536 Murdering all those girls. 134 00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:33,105 - Ugh. I forgot to tell you. 135 00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:35,307 All the girls in his family are dead. 136 00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:36,341 - Times two. 137 00:04:36,343 --> 00:04:37,476 - Aren't you gonna eat something? 138 00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:41,113 - Yeah, I think I'm gonna have a liquid dinner tonight. 139 00:04:41,115 --> 00:04:42,547 [chuffs, snorts] 140 00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:43,515 Shh. 141 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:44,750 P'tt. 142 00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:47,486 [cell phone ringing] - got another amber alert? 143 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:48,320 - No, an autopsy rep-- 144 00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:51,123 Oh, yeah, and another amber alert. 145 00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:52,524 - No phones at the table. 146 00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,726 - Hey, not so fast. - Oh, my god. 147 00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:57,829 - "oh, my god," is right. There's been another murder. 148 00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,832 We got to get out of here now. 149 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:04,269 [inhales deeply] 150 00:05:04,904 --> 00:05:06,171 - Let's go. 151 00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:08,073 - You know who you remind me of? 152 00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:09,474 - Who? 153 00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:12,411 - My two dead daughters. 154 00:05:14,781 --> 00:05:17,115 - ♪ big money, big dough ♪ 155 00:05:19,185 --> 00:05:20,419 - This is your bachelor party? 156 00:05:20,421 --> 00:05:25,157 - This is just a ceremonial cleansing that we have 157 00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:26,325 For the jewish culture. 158 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:27,259 - It's called a mikveh. 159 00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:28,393 - Yeah, I know what a mikveh is, 160 00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:30,729 But I didn't think they were supposed to have it 161 00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,197 In [bleep] party suites. 162 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:33,832 - So everything's in place. 163 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,667 - You're gonna slice your "pernis"? 164 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:41,039 - I just need one last thing. 165 00:05:42,542 --> 00:05:46,211 All I need is your blessing. 166 00:05:46,979 --> 00:05:49,181 - No. - Come on! 167 00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:50,082 I just--everyone's here. 168 00:05:50,084 --> 00:05:51,783 Like, I'm really stressing the blessing. 169 00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:53,318 - Wendy, you've been giving me [bleep] 170 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:54,453 For being half-jewish my whole life. 171 00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:57,222 - Well, I'm half-sorry, okay? - So what do you want from me? 172 00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,190 - I want to be in the tribe. 173 00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:02,027 You must give me your "blarsing." 174 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:04,496 - No. - Give it to me. 175 00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,531 - No, wendell! 176 00:06:10,636 --> 00:06:13,004 - [gagging] 177 00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:16,508 - Yeah, your family owns glass. 178 00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:19,711 Well, now you're gonna eat glass, wendell. 179 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:20,312 Ow! 180 00:06:20,314 --> 00:06:23,315 Cheap-shotting little [bleep] jew. 181 00:06:23,317 --> 00:06:24,683 Ah! 182 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:31,390 - [screaming] 183 00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:33,558 [bones crack] 184 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,994 [both groaning] 185 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:40,065 Give... [bones crack] 186 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,166 Me... 187 00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,134 - Ah! 188 00:06:42,136 --> 00:06:43,168 - Your... 189 00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,136 - Ah! 190 00:06:44,138 --> 00:06:45,137 - Blessing! 191 00:06:45,139 --> 00:06:46,571 - Not my "parnky." 192 00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:47,706 [bones crack] 193 00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:50,175 [groaning] 194 00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:51,877 Fine. 195 00:06:51,879 --> 00:06:54,946 You "tartally" have... 196 00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,448 My "blarsing." 197 00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,016 Ugh. 198 00:07:02,021 --> 00:07:04,456 - Toda raba, baby. 199 00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:06,057 [groaning] 200 00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:08,760 Weird, I don't actually feel that much different. 201 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:09,528 [chuckles] 202 00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:13,698 Sorry I had to get all ufc on you. 203 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:15,667 - ♪ I'll treat you right ♪ 204 00:07:17,737 --> 00:07:18,703 - Liz is late, and it means 205 00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:20,205 I have to get everything ready out here 206 00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:23,341 For the judeo-christian-themed jungle after-party. 207 00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:24,543 - Okay, I understand. 208 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:25,577 - You understand, cassandra? 209 00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:27,112 Do you really understand, honestly? 210 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,146 'cause, like, you're pretending 211 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,748 Like you're saying words that you understand-- 212 00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:30,549 Okay, the menorah's here. 213 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:32,250 So I don't know what you need to figure out, 214 00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:34,219 But you just need to, like, figure it out. 215 00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:35,320 We bought two tropical parrots. 216 00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:38,056 We have to take care of them for the rest of their life. 217 00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:39,157 We're going all out! 218 00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,293 We bought these birds for one day of work, 219 00:07:41,295 --> 00:07:43,295 And then we're gonna have to take care of them 220 00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:44,696 For, like, 100 years. 221 00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:47,265 That's how committed we are at publizity 222 00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,234 To make an amazing event. 223 00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:50,802 - Well, "go big or go home." 224 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,237 That's what I always say. 225 00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:53,538 - What you always say? 226 00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,340 What did she just always say? 227 00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:57,676 - It's just an expression. - Oh, my god, liz. 228 00:07:57,678 --> 00:07:59,778 Like, why is my boss friend in tears right now? 229 00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:02,047 Like, what did you do? - I got to go. 230 00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:03,515 - Okay, great to see you, cassandra. 231 00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:06,384 - Thanks so much, cassandra. Great work. 232 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:07,152 - Like, where were you? 233 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,587 - Honestly, liz, like, this is really hard, 234 00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,021 For me to see, like, a newly minted, 235 00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:13,258 Like, jewish hunk like wendy become part of our faith 236 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:15,760 And then, like, propose to someone who's, like, not me. 237 00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:17,262 Like, that's, like, very "buttersweet." 238 00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:19,931 - Obviously, our company would be much better served 239 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,666 If I went inside to run the whole event. 240 00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:25,170 But I can't go in there because of all the painful memories 241 00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:26,638 I have of my own bat mitzvah. 242 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,541 I had to, like, change my theme at the last minute. 243 00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,209 It was, like, really... 244 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,512 And then one of the boys finally danced with me 245 00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:35,847 And said I should have had a bar mitzvah 246 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:39,184 'cause I was, like, so tall and masculine. 247 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,186 [squealing, crying] 248 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:44,089 My voice cracked, and the rabbi laughed at me, 249 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:46,892 And so, like, it was all very complicated... 250 00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,060 [slurring indistinctly] 251 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,962 Oh, cool. The christmas tree's here. 252 00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:51,696 - Oh, cool. 253 00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:54,299 - I have so many unresolved issues. 254 00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:56,401 But, like, it did get me interested 255 00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:59,404 In, like, event planning. 256 00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:03,475 [dramatic music] 257 00:09:03,477 --> 00:09:05,210 [bell tolls] 258 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,112 - ♪ he's wendy shawn ♪ 259 00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:08,980 ♪ he's going jewish ♪ 260 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,749 ♪ he's wendy shawn ♪ 261 00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:12,817 ♪ he's in the tribe now ♪ 262 00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:14,019 - [speaks hebrew] 263 00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:14,986 Hey. 264 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,021 Hello. 265 00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:18,256 My family. 266 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:22,193 Welcome to my bris mitzvah. 267 00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:25,764 Today I become a manischewitz. 268 00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:26,831 [laughter] 269 00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:30,368 This isn't just about this barack obamulke 270 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:32,003 And this tallit kweli. 271 00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,905 [laughter] 272 00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:36,241 So fun. Wow. 273 00:09:37,343 --> 00:09:38,176 There's one more thing 274 00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:42,747 That will make me a hundo percento judaico, 275 00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:43,515 And that is... 276 00:09:43,517 --> 00:09:44,950 Cutting my dick off, for some reason. 277 00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:49,487 Take a pikachu at what we're doing, all right? 278 00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:53,191 Because this is my penis. 279 00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:56,194 [claps hands] "jewmanji." 280 00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:59,097 Thanks. "jewmanji," "jewmanji." 281 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,065 Thanks, weirdos. 282 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,866 - Thank you. - All right. 283 00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:05,103 Partnering with a woman of judaic ancestry 284 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:08,206 Has suddenly become insanely important to me 285 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,175 Now that I want to join the tribe. 286 00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:12,010 And I'm so, so happy 287 00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:14,946 That my personal doctor/mohel 288 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,782 Also happens to be my best "gohel." 289 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:22,621 There will be a big surprise involving her 290 00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:24,756 At the end of this bris mitzvah. 291 00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,224 I'm gonna ask her to marry me. 292 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:29,761 That's the surprise at the end that I just ruined. 293 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:32,731 - And cue the doctor. 294 00:10:34,233 --> 00:10:36,368 - Ladies and gentlemen... 295 00:10:36,370 --> 00:10:38,036 Mimi. 296 00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:41,339 She's gonna cut my dick with a razor blade. 297 00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:44,843 [dramatic music] 298 00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,077 "hellar"? 299 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,212 [claps hands] 300 00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:49,347 [crowd murmuring] - where is she? 301 00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,249 - Is there a mohel in the house? Come on! 302 00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:52,851 Rabbi shmuley? No? 303 00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:55,520 Someone's got to cut my dick off! 304 00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,288 - It's a runaway bris. 305 00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:58,757 It's a runaway bris. 306 00:10:58,759 --> 00:10:59,724 [crowd murmuring] 307 00:10:59,726 --> 00:11:01,660 - Runaway bris? - It's a runaway bris. 308 00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,995 - Oh, my god, that's so rude. 309 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:08,466 - I got the call. Where's the patient? 310 00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:12,270 Both: Ohh... 311 00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:14,439 Hello. 312 00:11:14,441 --> 00:11:17,609 [ominous music] 313 00:11:17,611 --> 00:11:22,113 ♪ ♪ 314 00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:26,251 - Dr. Neuringer, you've been pranked. 315 00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,053 - I thought something really bad had happened. 316 00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:29,688 I was in the middle of a bris. 317 00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:30,455 Both: A bris? 318 00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:34,459 - Well, technically, it was a christmas bris mitzvah miracle. 319 00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:35,860 - Oh. Sure. - Mm, sure. 320 00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,896 - Yeah, for my boyfriend, wendy. 321 00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:39,931 - It seems like you might have 322 00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:42,667 Some conflicting emotions about this. 323 00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:45,603 - At my age, I don't know if love is really 324 00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:47,505 The most important part of the picture. 325 00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:50,308 - At her age, she doesn't have a lot of options. 326 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,943 Let me tell you something, doctor. 327 00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:55,346 I got divorced when I was 46 years old. 328 00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:56,548 46 and single. 329 00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:57,515 What was I gonna do? 330 00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:59,918 But then I saw a little ad in the newspaper, 331 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,252 Just about that big, 332 00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:02,887 And it said, "nude massage." 333 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,056 For 75 bucks, a hawaiian woman 334 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,858 Came over and gave me a rubdown. 335 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:09,894 And her adult son would wait in the car. 336 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:12,097 Do you see what I'm getting at? 337 00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:14,032 - Love isn't perfect. 338 00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,401 - Love is possible. 339 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,470 - But there is... 340 00:12:18,472 --> 00:12:19,671 - Friendship. 341 00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:20,438 - Friendship. 342 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,908 - Friends are the family that we choose. 343 00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:24,743 - We choose you. 344 00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:27,312 - That is so sweet of you guys. 345 00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:30,715 - And now we want you to have something else. 346 00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:31,416 - Too much tuna. 347 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,785 - Now, bring it in, now, now, now. 348 00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:35,286 - [chuckling] 349 00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:36,121 - It's so big. 350 00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:38,456 - I mean, look how stupid that bread looks 351 00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:41,059 On top of that big mountain of tuna fish. 352 00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:42,026 - Why did you order it? 353 00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:45,430 - I didn't order it. You guys pranked me again. 354 00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:46,865 - You're dumb as a dog. 355 00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:51,770 [upbeat orchestral music] 356 00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:53,571 - Do you know anyone who's had an adult circumcision? 357 00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:56,574 - I do. I knew someone who was dating someone 358 00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:58,443 And wanted him to be circumcised, 359 00:12:58,445 --> 00:12:59,043 And he did it. 360 00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:02,347 - And are they still together? - [laughing] no. 361 00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:03,581 - [laughs] 362 00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:06,618 - They broke up a little bit after. 363 00:13:07,586 --> 00:13:09,487 - You're jewish, right? - Of course. 364 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:12,323 - Why don't you just cut my ding-dong? 365 00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:12,924 - Me? 366 00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:15,026 - I've got to propose to someone today. 367 00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:17,662 [sweeping orchestral music] 368 00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:20,765 - Hang tight, everyone. 369 00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:21,599 - Ahh. 370 00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,368 - I feel like I'm looking at a basket 371 00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:24,235 Of different-shaped bread. 372 00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:25,970 - Some penises look like pizza dough, okay? 373 00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,772 - You know what? I can't do this. I'm sorry. 374 00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:29,674 - What? - I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 375 00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:31,276 - What do you mean you can't? 376 00:13:31,278 --> 00:13:33,311 - I guess it's time for dr. Armond 377 00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,579 To make an appearance. 378 00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:35,847 - Oh, my god! 379 00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:37,282 Dr. Armond! 380 00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:39,150 [upbeat jazzy music] 381 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,119 - I was accused of murdering my wife. 382 00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,787 - Freeze! - She has no pulse. 383 00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:45,023 I lost my reputation, my money, 384 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:46,858 And I damn near lost my mind. 385 00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:47,826 And the icing on the cake 386 00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:51,396 Was that my beautiful wife, shannon, was still alive. 387 00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:54,265 The only problem-- I wasn't. 388 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:55,500 Some people think I'm a ghost, 389 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:58,937 But really, I'm just an angel playing cupid, 390 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:01,639 And I'm having the time of my afterlife, 391 00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:04,609 Because armond is everywhere. 392 00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:07,478 - ♪ bring your lovin' back to me ♪ 393 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,713 - How are you, kiddo? 394 00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,682 - Well, it's not fun for me, 395 00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:12,317 Like, not knowing how to cut off, 396 00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:14,219 Like, the very "t" of this guy's "d." 397 00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:14,953 You know what I mean? 398 00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,889 - Doing a circumcision is easy. It's just like neutering a dog. 399 00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:18,489 - Oh. 400 00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:20,859 - Excuse me, it's nothing like neutering a dog. 401 00:14:20,861 --> 00:14:21,426 - No? 402 00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:22,460 - You'll have to excuse me, liz. 403 00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:24,963 In the afterlife, my brain gets a little bit cloudy, 404 00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:25,997 'cause that's where I live. 405 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:28,066 - I did not know he was dead. 406 00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:29,000 [dramatic music] 407 00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:32,003 - Don't you know that anytime you care about a girl, 408 00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:34,272 Another girl dies? 409 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,611 - We're closed. You can't be here. 410 00:14:39,613 --> 00:14:41,179 - My whole family's dead girls, 411 00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:43,948 So I go wherever the heck I want. 412 00:14:43,950 --> 00:14:44,649 Admit it. 413 00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:47,452 You're the one killing all those dead girls. 414 00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,754 - What girls? 415 00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:51,823 - Those girls. 416 00:14:53,759 --> 00:14:54,525 - What? 417 00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:55,927 Nothing's as it seems. 418 00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:57,929 Am I right, hall? 419 00:14:59,865 --> 00:15:01,366 Guess I really cared about her. 420 00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:05,036 I hope you don't have a daughter and I never meet her... 421 00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:05,670 Whew... 422 00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:07,906 'cause she'll be dead in a week. 423 00:15:08,941 --> 00:15:11,509 Boy, this day just got really crummy. 424 00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:13,878 - ♪ the best is yet to come ♪ 425 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,313 - Have you watched all of dead girl town yet? 426 00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:19,651 - Uh, I'm two episodes away from the end of dead girl town. 427 00:15:19,653 --> 00:15:20,985 - And what do you think so far? 428 00:15:20,987 --> 00:15:22,053 What do you think's gonna happen? 429 00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:25,256 - I think the girls are gonna end up being alive. 430 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:25,790 - Really? 431 00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:28,126 Is there anything on the web about it yet or no? 432 00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:29,294 - I will read recaps, 433 00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:31,262 'cause I miss stuff in the episode, 434 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,131 But I stay away from spoilers. 435 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,633 - Do you read recaps for real in real life or no? 436 00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:36,334 - Yeah. - You do? 437 00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:38,036 - I actually take great pleasure from it. 438 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:39,771 - I am not a detail guy. - Mm-mm. 439 00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:41,639 - I am not interested in details. 440 00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:44,142 - Yeah, me neither. Enjoy our show. 441 00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:45,476 - Yeah. [laughs] 442 00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:48,613 [dance music] 443 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:49,681 ♪ ♪ 444 00:15:49,683 --> 00:15:51,783 - I love my baby so much. 445 00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,017 Okay, we got this, ducca. 446 00:15:53,019 --> 00:15:54,085 - Yes, we do, all right. 447 00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:54,886 I've got your back. 448 00:15:54,888 --> 00:15:56,454 - Okay, I got your back, ducca. 449 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,188 Okay, what's up? 450 00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:59,390 - Oh, my god, c-czar, what are you doing here? 451 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,793 - This spot's crazy as hell, man. 452 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,528 - Right now I'm obviously at work, 453 00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,196 About to, like, chomp off 454 00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:08,466 A little flap of skin off of this guy's boinker. 455 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,234 - This dude? - Hey, what's up, man? 456 00:16:10,236 --> 00:16:12,503 - This dude's straight up the devil, y'all! 457 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:13,638 - You rock. You're hilarious. 458 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,239 I introduced him to coke last year. 459 00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:16,140 - Honestly, c-czar, like, 460 00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:17,842 You're, like, being very jealous. 461 00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,243 - No, I can confirm. 462 00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:20,211 He is the devil. 463 00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:21,546 - May I share with you some facts 464 00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:23,047 About male genital mutilation? 465 00:16:23,049 --> 00:16:24,983 Circumcision is an elective surgery, 466 00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:28,286 And it has not been proven to be more sanitary. 467 00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:29,487 - It is more sanitary. 468 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,588 - It is not more sanitary. 469 00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:32,190 - I bet you can't even feel [bleep] pain. 470 00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:33,791 - You want to talk about [bleep] pain? 471 00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:34,993 I know nothing but [bleep] pain. 472 00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:36,961 I was 90% foreskin when I was born. 473 00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:37,695 - You're an anti-semite. 474 00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,397 - A boy should look like his father. 475 00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:41,499 - This is bob ducca, everybody! 476 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:42,533 - Hi. 477 00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:43,768 - Don't debase yourself. 478 00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:45,303 This guy's got no soul. 479 00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:46,337 - Now you come in here, right? 480 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:48,473 And it's just like, what am I going to do? 481 00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:49,607 Like, am I gonna pick 482 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:52,276 This, like, very rich, scary person 483 00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:53,544 Who, like, doesn't know my name 484 00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:56,147 And, like, would probably let me die on a hike? 485 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,382 - Definitely let you die. 486 00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:58,316 - This year's been crazy. 487 00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:00,051 I mean, we straight up had a baby. 488 00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,787 And the baby's name isn't skylord. 489 00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:03,488 - What? 490 00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,323 - And it's not pinnochlio. 491 00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:05,823 - Oh. 492 00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:09,727 - Maybe it's time we called him pinnochliord. 493 00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:11,162 - [squealing] oh, my god! 494 00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:14,198 - 'cause it's a combination of the two names that we love. 495 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,701 - Honestly, you keep it exciting. 496 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:17,835 [spitting] 497 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:18,770 And, like, for me, 498 00:17:18,772 --> 00:17:20,271 You got me, like, where it hurts. 499 00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:22,673 You know what I mean? Like, right in the heart. 500 00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:23,908 - I'm c-czar. 501 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,144 - Oh. Nice to meet you. I'm liz. 502 00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:28,346 - Nice to meet you. - Oh, all right. 503 00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:29,614 [both laugh] 504 00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:30,448 - I like how you look. 505 00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:33,117 With ron funches-- shout-out to ron funches. 506 00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:34,452 - Hey, ron. 507 00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:36,421 - You straight up blap-blap-blap here. 508 00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:38,222 - Do you eat a lot out of vending machines? 509 00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:40,792 - I love candy for dinner. What about you? 510 00:17:40,794 --> 00:17:43,661 And, like, you're always, always... 511 00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:44,429 I love you. 512 00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:45,830 You're blap-blap-blap right here. 513 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:49,767 I'll always provide for pinnochliord and for you, 514 00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:51,235 But I also promise, like, 515 00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:52,703 I'll straight up eat your [bleep] 516 00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:55,506 And, like, clean that flower whenever I can. 517 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:56,808 I'll eat your [bleep]. - Oh, my god. 518 00:17:56,810 --> 00:17:59,010 - I'll do everything. You know what I'm saying? 519 00:17:59,012 --> 00:17:59,544 - I do. 520 00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:03,281 - Like, me, you and pinnochliord, we a family. 521 00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,085 Bob ducca's in the family, straight up. 522 00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:10,054 - You're cute. It'll work. - Let y'all eat cake. 523 00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,255 That's my catchphrase. 524 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,990 Never forget your roots! 525 00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:14,258 Blap-blap-blap! 526 00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:15,960 - Have fun at "jewmanji," everyone! 527 00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:17,095 - Okay, that was "menorable," 528 00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:19,664 But we got some bris-ness to attend to. 529 00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:21,032 Who's gonna clip the tip? 530 00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:22,433 All right, bris kringle. 531 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:23,968 Are you volunteering or...? 532 00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:25,803 Why don't you just wait one sec? 533 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,305 Oh, my god! 534 00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:29,107 [crowd cheering] 535 00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:30,641 Ah! 536 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:34,312 [rough slicing sound] I'm jewish! 537 00:18:37,316 --> 00:18:39,050 - ♪ I'll treat you right ♪ 538 00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:41,786 - Jumanji's suing us for using their font. 539 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:45,590 So, at the end of the day, publizity got stiffed. 540 00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:48,092 - This company is done-zo. 541 00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:51,496 - I can't believe we're, like, packing up publizity. 542 00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:54,165 Packing up publizity is really hard, 543 00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:56,634 Because, like... 544 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,169 I hate packing. 545 00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:00,171 - It's time for me... 546 00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:03,307 To take a word of advice from your bangs... 547 00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:04,142 And grow. 548 00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:08,045 - From liz getting pregnant to me... 549 00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:09,213 [voice breaking] getting bangs, 550 00:19:09,215 --> 00:19:12,517 Like, we've grown so much. 551 00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,519 - Who can never know, like, what will be told? 552 00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:17,255 And that is the story that, like, I will discover 553 00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,789 When my path unfolds on it. 554 00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,958 - ♪ extraordinary ♪ 555 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:24,262 ♪ gi-I-I-rl ♪ 556 00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:26,664 - I'm going back to phila-elphia now, 557 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:29,367 Because, like, that's where my family is. 558 00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:31,502 And I'm gonna, like, go to the poconos, 559 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:33,371 And, like, for once in my life, 560 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:38,009 I'm gonna work hard... At having fun. 561 00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:40,077 - Oh, my god, liz, like, 562 00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:41,245 I love to have fun. 563 00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:45,183 And the fact that you're gonna work hard at having fun... 564 00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:46,851 That's what means the world to me. 565 00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:48,386 - Oh, god, liz. - What? 566 00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:49,120 - I'm, like, crying. 567 00:19:49,122 --> 00:19:51,088 - Don't you moose out on me now, liz. 568 00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:53,558 - One thing that I learned from you is... 569 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,560 [squealing indistinctly] 570 00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:57,495 - [garbling nonsensically] 571 00:19:57,497 --> 00:20:00,164 - [continues squealing indistinctly] 572 00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,966 - Mm. 573 00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:05,736 This has been such an amazing experience. 574 00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:09,173 - Our business has been amazing. 575 00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:12,743 - We're always gonna be together in that our names are the same. 576 00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:13,878 Never forget that. 577 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,313 - I love you, liz. 578 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,782 - I love you, liz. 579 00:20:23,188 --> 00:20:26,123 - I got one of your feathers in my mouth. 580 00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,124 Good-bye. 581 00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:29,160 - Bye, publizity. 582 00:20:29,162 --> 00:20:30,294 - Go. 583 00:20:30,296 --> 00:20:31,262 You look amazing. 584 00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:32,964 - Thank you. You look amazing. 585 00:20:32,966 --> 00:20:36,300 [upbeat caribbean music] 586 00:20:36,302 --> 00:20:44,542 ♪ ♪ 587 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,282 - Meh, meh, meh, meh. 588 00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:54,285 - Wha-eet, wha-eet, wha-eet. 589 00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:55,586 - Meh, meh. - Wha-eet. 590 00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:58,055 - ♪ you'll always be... ♪ 591 00:20:58,057 --> 00:20:58,956 - Ha ha 592 00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:00,524 Good at bizness. 593 00:21:00,526 --> 00:21:05,630 - A boy should look like his father. 594 00:21:05,632 --> 00:21:06,697 - And it said, "nude massage." 595 00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:08,733 And this woman, for 75-- [laughter] 596 00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:12,803 For $75, this hawaiian woman came into my-- 597 00:21:12,805 --> 00:21:13,838 [laughter] 598 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,072 And gave me a big rubdown... 599 00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:15,105 [laughing] and her adult son waited in the car.