1 00:00:02,402 --> 00:00:03,535 - Hi, I'm ron funches. 2 00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:06,405 You might know me as a famous lawyer. 3 00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:08,507 But I found the courtroom world 4 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:11,276 To be too adversarial and rigid. 5 00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:13,579 Now I'm studying my true passion, 6 00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,814 To be a therapist. 7 00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,449 But you need 3,000 hours 8 00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:21,086 To become a professional licensed therapist. 9 00:00:21,088 --> 00:00:22,955 That's too long! 10 00:00:22,957 --> 00:00:25,524 I'd have to work 24 hours a day 11 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:28,861 For 125 days to do that. 12 00:00:28,863 --> 00:00:32,231 3,000 hours. 13 00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:36,201 That's where you can come in. 14 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,269 I need new clients. 15 00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:40,806 Sure, I don't know exactly what I'm doing yet, 16 00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:44,143 But if you're in pain, I'll listen. 17 00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:45,944 - Believe me, we don't agree on much, 18 00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:50,149 But, like, we will give you, like, a thousand hours 19 00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:52,818 For your beautiful poetry. 20 00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:56,588 - 3,000 hours with clients. That could be you. 21 00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:57,956 Please call today. 22 00:00:57,958 --> 00:01:01,660 I'll be here in my office getting these hours. 23 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:05,230 [dubstep music] 24 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:13,472 ♪ ♪ 25 00:01:16,509 --> 00:01:18,043 - Have you been to France? - Yes. 26 00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:20,946 - What happened in France? - I got constipated. 27 00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:22,314 [both laugh] 28 00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:23,982 - Stuffing baguettes. - I was, like, 29 00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:26,151 Stuffing, like, croissants. - So you didn't poop 30 00:01:26,153 --> 00:01:27,853 Your whole time in France? - No. 31 00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:28,787 - How many days were you there? 32 00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:30,589 - Oh, my god, I was there for two weeks. 33 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,091 I thought I was gonna die. 34 00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:34,059 - Oh, my god! - Like, I didn't even fart. 35 00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:37,029 Like, I-I made, like, one fart when we were about to go home, 36 00:01:37,031 --> 00:01:38,697 And it was, like, "aah!" 37 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,866 And it was, like, the whole plane, like, reeked. 38 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:44,069 - I came to europe to pursue my wife's murderer. 39 00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:46,071 I did not murder my wife. 40 00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:46,738 [laughter] 41 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:50,375 Now, I'm the one being pursued. - Armond, freeze! 42 00:01:50,377 --> 00:01:53,779 - This is armond the world. 43 00:01:58,151 --> 00:02:01,253 I'm searching for a blond european man 44 00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:02,754 Who murdered my wife. 45 00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:03,689 - [wolf whistle] [applause] 46 00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:06,925 - I suspect now that my wife was murdered by her vocal coach, 47 00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:10,262 A blond european man with an indeterminate accent. 48 00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:13,031 Come out, come out wherever I am. 49 00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:16,902 There sure are an awful lot of european blond men here. 50 00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:18,837 That's not him. 51 00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:21,306 - Armond! Hey! 52 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:22,741 - That cop I mentioned earlier, 53 00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,910 He is hot on my tail. 54 00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:26,578 - I'm detective smart. 55 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:29,548 Hey! Hey. - I gotta roll. 56 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:32,351 My hat's off to you. 57 00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:33,085 - Hey! 58 00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:36,188 Move, move, move, move, move, move! 59 00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:39,491 Move! Get out, get out. 60 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,828 Armond! 61 00:02:45,064 --> 00:02:46,965 [horn honks] 62 00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:51,370 [suspenseful music] 63 00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:54,239 [digital dialing] [rock music ringtone] 64 00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:56,308 - Who dis? - Oh, roman. 65 00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:58,577 How could you not recognize my voice? 66 00:02:58,579 --> 00:03:00,245 It's your father, dr. Armond. 67 00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:02,481 My heart is soaring hearing you speak to me. 68 00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:03,649 - You know I can't see 69 00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,050 Your bull[bleep] sign language, right? 70 00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:06,852 - It doesn't matter if you can see me, 71 00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:09,221 'cause I know that you can hear me just fine. 72 00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:12,391 - I can't believe you haven't killed yourself yet. 73 00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:15,260 - What's up, kiddo? How are things? 74 00:03:15,262 --> 00:03:15,961 - [sighs] 75 00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:18,263 I'm getting all the kids hooked on oven cleaner. 76 00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:20,532 - Roman, I want you to know that I love you very much. 77 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,568 I haven't abandoned you. I'll never leave you. 78 00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:24,236 Je t'aime, kiddo. Gotta go. 79 00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:26,271 - I hope you get locked up in international prison 80 00:03:26,273 --> 00:03:30,075 And get shanked with a french toothbrush. 81 00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:35,781 [solemn music] 82 00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:37,482 - Hey! Armond! 83 00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:40,719 [suspenseful music] 84 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:46,158 ♪ ♪ 85 00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:50,662 - I prefer london. 86 00:04:01,307 --> 00:04:03,275 [laughter] - folks, okay. 87 00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:06,411 Welcome to the show us your songs commonwealth finale. 88 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:09,381 If you couldn't tell by my bosom-shaped cop helmet, 89 00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,282 We're in England. 90 00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:13,051 - We've been all over this blessed empire 91 00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,920 From canada to south africa. 92 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,623 - And we got a new guest judge over here. 93 00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:19,424 She's part of the new royal family 94 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,194 That's allowed to be sexy, the duchess tina. 95 00:04:22,196 --> 00:04:23,228 - Yeah. Well, yes. - Wow. 96 00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:24,997 You must go to some quite expensive parties then. 97 00:04:24,999 --> 00:04:28,200 - A few, a few, but we don't take ourselves so seriously. 98 00:04:28,202 --> 00:04:30,168 We're just--we're like you. 99 00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:32,170 - Heavy is the head... 100 00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,072 - Heavy is the head that wears the crown. 101 00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,207 - That wears the crown. 102 00:04:35,209 --> 00:04:36,675 - I don't find it that hard. 103 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:39,711 - [laughs] - well, you wear it well. 104 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:44,483 - ♪ I thought the royal wedding was really overrated ♪ 105 00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:49,388 ♪ don't care that prince william and some anchor lady dated ♪ 106 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,990 ♪ prince charles is a knobhead ♪ 107 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:52,991 - Ha ha ha! 108 00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:54,426 - ♪ prince harry is a ginge ♪ 109 00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:58,864 ♪ and I bet princess diana's hiding up queen lizzie's minge ♪ 110 00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,866 ♪ we've been royally screwed ♪ 111 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:03,368 ♪ we've been royally screwed ♪ 112 00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:05,837 ♪ I don't like the royal family ♪ 113 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,205 ♪ and neither should you ♪ 114 00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:10,142 ♪ let's put something else on our stamps ♪ 115 00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:11,109 ♪ like ♪ 116 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:13,278 ♪ like a cobblestone ♪ 117 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:16,715 ♪ or like--or like two-- like two cobblestones ♪ 118 00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:19,017 - You're a wanker, sir! - Yeah? 119 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,620 - My family could buy whatever shack that you live in 120 00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:24,356 And I could go in at one time and piss in it 121 00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:25,857 And then burn it to the ground! 122 00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:27,359 - Piss all over my [bleep] bed, love. 123 00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:30,962 [bleep] [bleep] stick my [bleep] face in the pillow, though. 124 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,397 - I feel sorry for you, I really do. 125 00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:35,267 - Look, the princess' and queen's vaginas, okay, 126 00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:38,704 Are chalices of purity that we have to protect, all right? 127 00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:41,073 And scum like you coming out here 128 00:05:41,075 --> 00:05:43,742 And making a song out of it like so many sex pistols 129 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:46,345 Isn't gonna help the world, and it's not gonna help you. 130 00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:49,481 - I thought it was an extra-special performance, diz. 131 00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:50,515 - That's what it was, yeah. 132 00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,518 - My only note would be to get a keyboard stand. 133 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,820 - Yeah. - I have no idea 134 00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:57,589 Why you'd want to do this, but if you do wanna vote for diz, 135 00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,658 You're gonna press hash d-I-zed. 136 00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:01,026 - And just to be clear, gene, 137 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,627 You can vote for anybody you want. 138 00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:04,996 Everybody wins on show us your songs commonwealth. 139 00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:05,530 - Yeah. 140 00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:08,667 - Well, don't trip over your dick on the way to hell. 141 00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:14,005 - What's up? I'm c-czar, 142 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,040 Disenfranchised father. - Okay. 143 00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,808 - Hey, are you looking for a job by any chance? 144 00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:18,677 - Yeah, I used to get the blow job over at chikk club. 145 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,412 - His name is skylord. - His name is pinnocchlio. 146 00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,781 - I am going to recommend couple's counseling 147 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,916 For the two of you with my good friend ron funches. 148 00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:26,485 - Ron, you seem like a safe place, 149 00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:28,019 Like you a beacon of light for me right now 150 00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:29,521 In a world that's filled with darkness. 151 00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:32,357 - Maybe they'll give me an extra hour for that one. 152 00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:36,695 [upbeat rock music] 153 00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,397 - I love my baby so much. 154 00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:39,598 [toilet flushes] 155 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:40,866 - $64.20? 156 00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:43,402 That's all I'm making for all that work? 157 00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:44,369 Two weeks in plugs? 158 00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,938 - You poor bitch. Mm. 159 00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:48,240 - Yeah, well, for some of us, 160 00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:49,408 This money don't come so easy. 161 00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:53,578 We don't all have a rich-ass accused murderer for a dad. 162 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:54,913 - My dad is a legend. 163 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,915 You broke as [bleep]! 164 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,518 - We gotta think of an invention so that you can make money 165 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,586 To show that you're a good father. 166 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,955 - Boo. You boring me now, old man. 167 00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:05,657 - Yeah, I know. I'm a jerk. Sorry. 168 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,893 Goo-goo glasses, oh, it's perfect. 169 00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:10,262 - I wrote it down! - It's like 170 00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,963 Little computerized glasses for babies when they have 171 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,865 Nothing to look at. - Okay, great. 172 00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:15,767 - Hello, we'd love to meet with somebody 173 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:18,670 To discuss our new invention, goo-goo glasses. 174 00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,405 - I'm sorry, I don't see any mention 175 00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:22,741 Of an appointment for you. - Get us inside. 176 00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:23,909 You know me. I'm c-czar. Get liz. 177 00:07:23,911 --> 00:07:26,978 - Um, okay. Well, let me see if she's available. 178 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,780 - Heard there's a bit of a situation with you. 179 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,416 - Mm. - Can you tell me what happened? 180 00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:33,785 - I'm coming to you with a business pop-a-prosal. 181 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,787 - Proposal. - Thank you, ron. 182 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,756 With my business partner, bob ducca. 183 00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,191 Shout-out to bob ducca. - Yeah. 184 00:07:39,193 --> 00:07:40,926 I'm well aware of bob ducca. 185 00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,027 - She, like, blows me off. 186 00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:44,329 You know, not like that blow off, that, like, 187 00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:46,164 You know what I mean, she does so good. 188 00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,266 Like, straight up, like, take it all, like, crazy. 189 00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:50,368 - Less of a good blow off and more of, like, 190 00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:51,269 You--you don't feel supported. 191 00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:54,272 - No, they're not gonna blow us off. This is too good an idea. 192 00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:55,540 - Liz! - C-czar, please. 193 00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:57,342 - Blap, blap, blap, blap! Come on, liz! 194 00:07:57,344 --> 00:08:00,979 - When I, like, blow him off, I, like, go to work. 195 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,180 And, like, in the same way, 196 00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:05,817 He was, like, coming to my place of work, all right? 197 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:07,385 - Liz. - What? 198 00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:08,520 - C-czar is here. - Oh, my god, no. 199 00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:10,655 Like, I cannot handle this right now, cassandra. 200 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,458 - Blap, blap! Come on, liz! - He is, honestly, like, 201 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:16,161 Throwing those guns around that are fingers. 202 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,362 And it's, like, disrespectful. 203 00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:19,664 - It's, like, so disrespectful. It's, like, rude. 204 00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:22,334 - He said he wants help promoting his goo-goo glasses 205 00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:23,702 For babies. - Oh, my god. 206 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:25,937 That's, like, so cute. Like-- - [growls] 207 00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:28,640 - Actually, just, like, tell him that, like, he should, like, 208 00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:29,841 Make an appointment. 209 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,676 - So liz is super slammed right now. 210 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:34,045 Is there any way that I can make an appointment for you? 211 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,580 - [babbling] [spits] 212 00:08:35,582 --> 00:08:37,649 I'm trying to get that money for pinnocchlio. 213 00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:40,118 - Trying to provide for your child. 214 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,186 It's, like, maybe pinnocchlio 215 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,654 Get them goo-goo glasses on his face. 216 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,623 That way he not carrying a cell phone around, 217 00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,391 Breaking up his brain. 218 00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:49,461 - I'm sorry, but, like, I'm not gonna give skylord glasses, 219 00:08:49,463 --> 00:08:52,764 Goo-goo or ga-ga or whatever, because those are for dorks. 220 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:55,100 - From my perspective, here's what happened. 221 00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:56,501 - Please, bob. - C-czar and I 222 00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:58,036 Were doing a classic business ambush-- 223 00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,105 - Blap, blap, blap. - We're here to discuss 224 00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:01,072 Our product, goo-goo glasses. 225 00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:03,775 - Hey, bob. How are you? - I'm very well. How are you? 226 00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:04,643 - Oh, I'm great. I'm amazing. 227 00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:07,112 - Yo! Me and my boy, bob ducca, working hard on this. 228 00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:10,415 Bob ducca's, like, wildly ill. - Mm-hmm. I should be dead. 229 00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:13,618 - You're looking much better. - Thanks. I feel terrible. 230 00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:15,754 - You don't wanna see my powerpoint presentation. 231 00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:16,955 There you go, then. How about that? 232 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,790 - [screams] - set your coffee there. 233 00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:19,558 [overlapping chatter] 234 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,726 - I don't want to--[cries] - how about that, then? 235 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:24,396 I can't take this mistreatment anymore, liz! 236 00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:25,931 - You're breaking my heart, c-czar. 237 00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:27,999 You're throwing me all your pieces. 238 00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,534 Like, I obviously don't--aah! - C-czar! 239 00:09:29,536 --> 00:09:31,803 - Can I say something? - [scoffs] 240 00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:34,739 - Of course. - They came at us the wrong way. 241 00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,474 I think, you know, I can-- 242 00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:37,876 - You have no idea what it's like 243 00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:41,379 When anyone comes at you, cassandra, you wish. 244 00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:43,815 [overlapping shouting] 245 00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:44,883 - C-czar--aah! 246 00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:45,450 - [growls] 247 00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:48,253 - What is going on? - Blap, blap, blap, blap, blap! 248 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,921 - Man, I don't normally see this many patients, 249 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,090 But the idea of stacking four hours at once, 250 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,058 I couldn't turn it down. 251 00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:55,994 - Let's get it up. Get it up. Come on, let's get it up. 252 00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:58,863 - God, you're really making me mad. 253 00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:00,098 - I know. Let's go in the cry room. 254 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,534 - Cassandra, get out and go file the garbage. 255 00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:04,536 - Get out of the crying room! - Get out! Get out! 256 00:10:04,538 --> 00:10:07,639 Both: Get out of the crying room! 257 00:10:12,011 --> 00:10:15,013 - It's my favorite part of the session. 258 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,314 [upbeat music] 259 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,550 - Let's check in with the contestants. 260 00:10:18,552 --> 00:10:20,952 They're living in a loft above the theater. 261 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,588 Show us yourselves behind the scenes. 262 00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:26,057 - Your tattoos look like you're three sessions out of ten 263 00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,193 Into tattoo removal. - I did 'em myself, man. 264 00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:30,762 I gotta get rid of the tattoos 'cause I have a baby, man. 265 00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,197 - Ooh. - I have a baby coming. 266 00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:34,666 - I'm going to eat your baby. 267 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:38,870 That is what the line is from that wonderful movie, isn't it? 268 00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:42,374 The visionaire michael myers. 269 00:10:42,376 --> 00:10:44,242 - Fat bastard. - Fat bastard, yeah. 270 00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:46,378 - Yes, I'm going to eat your baby. 271 00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:47,912 Anyway, angie, the producer said 272 00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:50,248 I should take you downstairs for your performance. 273 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:51,750 - All right. - And if you do well, 274 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:53,885 You will get to eat strawberries. 275 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:57,155 - Okay. Well, I'll see you guys. - Bye. 276 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,791 - All right, here we go. Straight from canada 277 00:10:59,793 --> 00:11:02,093 With her act pleep ploop, it's angie ng. 278 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,962 - All right, show us what you got! 279 00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:04,996 - Show us your songs. 280 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,399 - Pleep ploop, please. 281 00:11:07,401 --> 00:11:09,901 [drumroll] 282 00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,136 ♪ pleep ploop, pleep ploop ♪ 283 00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,971 ♪ pleep, pleep ploop ♪ 284 00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:14,673 ♪ pleep ploop, pleep ploop ♪ 285 00:11:14,675 --> 00:11:16,608 ♪ pleep pleep ploop, pleep ploop ♪ 286 00:11:16,610 --> 00:11:20,278 ♪ pleep pleep ploop pleep pleep ploop pleep ♪ 287 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,446 ♪ ah ♪ 288 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,948 ♪ pleep pleep ploop, pleep pleep ploop ♪ 289 00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:24,883 ♪ pleep pleep ploop ♪ 290 00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,918 ♪ pleep pleep ploop, pleep pleep ploop ♪ 291 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,687 ♪ pleep pleep ploop, pleep pleep ploop ♪ 292 00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:31,222 ♪ pleep pleep ploop, pleep pleep ploop ♪ 293 00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:33,692 ♪ pleep it's a pleep ploop ♪ 294 00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:35,093 ♪ baby ♪ 295 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,729 - ♪ oh, pleep, uh ♪ 296 00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:38,663 Both: Wow! 297 00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:41,766 - That's a sexy show! Okay! 298 00:11:41,768 --> 00:11:43,835 It you wanna make it in this world, 299 00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,770 You gotta add a little sex! 300 00:11:45,772 --> 00:11:48,373 Some tits and ass! That's what we like! 301 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,374 Right? Go on. - [laughs] 302 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,743 - And if you guys wanna vote for angie at home, 303 00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:55,080 You gotta press hash 4-7. - And vote away, 304 00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:57,549 But know at the end of the day that everybody here wins 305 00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,485 On show us your songs commonwealth. 306 00:12:03,355 --> 00:12:04,556 - Are you looking for a new hobby? 307 00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:07,058 This is the european's guide to being a cannibal. 308 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:10,195 [techno music] 309 00:12:10,197 --> 00:12:12,997 Now, it is time to gather the supplies you need 310 00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:14,699 One thing you must need is lye. 311 00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:17,068 It will help break down the body quick and faster, 312 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:20,739 So that you can make it to a dj rave in budapest. 313 00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:21,873 [dance music] 314 00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:25,076 Looking for a cool victim? Well, check out these victims. 315 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,945 I high-speed rail train conductor, 316 00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,913 A cool for school skateboarding youth, 317 00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:30,348 A former classmate from university 318 00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:33,685 Who you've had an obsession with for one half, two half decades, 319 00:12:33,687 --> 00:12:36,020 A friendly french milkman with fat buttocks 320 00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:39,424 That will be wonderful for frying in olive oil. 321 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,458 [dance music] 322 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:41,960 Maybe you will save the skin 323 00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:44,929 So that you can walk amongst everybody as someone else. 324 00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:47,132 And while you must wash the physical evidence 325 00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:50,235 Of your murders using a 1/2 liter of bleach, 326 00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:52,270 The memories will live forever. 327 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:53,872 And your brain will be stronger 328 00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:55,673 Because you have consumed a brain of others, 329 00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:57,909 And their memories will become your own, 330 00:12:57,911 --> 00:13:00,945 And you will become a god amongst men. 331 00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:01,946 What's your relationship like 332 00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:03,448 With your real-- with your real dad? 333 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:06,818 - He's a crazy cretan greek villager. 334 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:07,886 He-- - when you say "cretin," 335 00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:10,088 You don't mean, like, a cretin. Like, you just mean, like, 336 00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:12,357 Actually someone from crete. - Well, he's from crete, 337 00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:14,826 And he's a cretin. Sometimes he eats pizza 338 00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:17,162 And puts grape jelly on the pizza crust. 339 00:13:17,164 --> 00:13:19,063 - I mean, that's straight up roman armond [bleep] 340 00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:21,833 Right there. - ♪ oh, armond ♪ 341 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,301 ♪ meow, m-meow ♪ 342 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:27,238 - Welcome back to show us your songs behind the scenes. 343 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,840 - Oh, way to go, girl. - [laughs] 344 00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:31,776 - That's gonna make my act of putting on sunglasses 345 00:13:31,778 --> 00:13:33,478 Seem almost tame in comparison. 346 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,712 - Oh, I couldn't disagree more. 347 00:13:34,714 --> 00:13:36,815 I thought your act of putting on sunglasses 348 00:13:36,817 --> 00:13:38,850 Was cool as a cucumber. 349 00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:40,485 Although, I'm in a bit of a pickle. 350 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:41,653 - What's wrong? - While you were down there, 351 00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:44,689 Did you see a blond european man of indeterminate accent? 352 00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:47,458 - [mocking] a blond european man of indeterminate accent. 353 00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:49,027 [laughter] - hey, that's-- 354 00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,496 Really sounds like him, man. That's cool. 355 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:54,098 - That impression was right on the money. 356 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:55,333 But it doesn't change the fact 357 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:58,269 That the search for my wife's killer has gone cold. 358 00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,637 And I'm desperate to find him. 359 00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,472 - Sure. - Nobody move! 360 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:04,175 - Peace out. - Nobody move. 361 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:07,512 [laughter] - eh? Eh? Nobody move! Huh? 362 00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:10,448 - Pretty good, man. Pretty good. - It's pretty good. 363 00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,017 [suspenseful music] 364 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,386 - Armond. Come on, man, it's over. 365 00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,654 - No it's not. 366 00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:18,423 - Armond, you're not athletic. I'm gonna catch you. 367 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,625 - Are you joking me? - Look, I'm barely running. 368 00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,260 - People don't realize how athletic I am. 369 00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:23,995 - Come on, man! I don't got time for this! 370 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:25,530 - I don't have time for this either, 371 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,398 But I'm not even wearing a watch. 372 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,568 - Armond. 373 00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,003 Freeze! 374 00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:34,405 - Just shoot me, david spade. 375 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,941 - Armond, don't make me-- [gunshot] 376 00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:38,276 [gunshot] - oh, boy. 377 00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:39,777 - Shit. 378 00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:40,778 God damn it. 379 00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:43,615 - Do you like indian food, detective smart? 380 00:14:43,617 --> 00:14:45,250 - Yeah, sure. 381 00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:48,253 [glass shatters] - 'cause I'm about to scurry. 382 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:49,254 - Armond. 383 00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:53,591 [suspenseful music] 384 00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,193 It's over. 385 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:58,363 [dramatic music] 386 00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:00,365 It's it. Just come to me. 387 00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,400 - I didn't kill my wife. - I know. 388 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:06,404 - Detective smart, you've proven yourself to be just that. 389 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:07,305 But I have to tell you, 390 00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:10,408 I was california's premier animal plastic surgeon. 391 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,343 I had a beautiful son and a gorgeous wife, 392 00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:15,847 Possibly one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. 393 00:15:15,849 --> 00:15:18,483 At which point, she divorced me. - I want a divorce. 394 00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:21,052 - Leaving me to move out and become a bachelor. 395 00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,821 I moved into the sportsman's lodge and I was having-- 396 00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:26,157 - Armond, this--this is all in your wikipedia page. 397 00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,493 - And I was having the time of my life. 398 00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:29,794 At that point, I met shannon, 399 00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:33,064 Possibly the most beautiful woman I'd ever met 400 00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,632 In my entire life. 401 00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:35,500 Wow, she's hot. 402 00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:37,435 My good friend, kelsey grammer, told me not to. 403 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,569 - You've got the fever, old boy. 404 00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:41,439 - But I couldn't pass up love, and we got married. 405 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,974 I love you very much. Then after that, 406 00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:45,310 We had issues. I went to reconcile with her. 407 00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:47,879 It was when I walked in the room 408 00:15:47,881 --> 00:15:48,780 And found her dead. 409 00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,581 - Yeah, I know. I was at the trial. 410 00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:51,683 - You killed that lady. 411 00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:54,252 - I've reached the end, my friend, I can't do this anymore. 412 00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:55,987 - Wait, what does that mean? - It's hopeless. 413 00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:58,723 - You just can't--armond, no. Armond, don't do it! 414 00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,758 Come on. I'm not gonna put you in jail. 415 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,895 - Well, detective smart, answer me this question. 416 00:16:03,897 --> 00:16:05,430 Will you tell roman I love him? 417 00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:08,866 - Don't do it, armond! Oh, my god. 418 00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:14,672 [suspenseful music] 419 00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:15,740 - Oh, my. 420 00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,176 Looks like we've reached the end of the train 421 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:19,978 For old armond. - I'm sorry, doc, 422 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:21,512 But this is official police business now. 423 00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:24,615 - Detective smart, what a great friend and adversary. 424 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,818 - I can't believe you haven't killed yourself yet. 425 00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:29,954 - Oh, my beautiful son roman... I love you, shannon. 426 00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:32,957 - That is why I adore you. 427 00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,859 - Shannon, you'll be in my arms soon, 428 00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,260 Because I'll be dead shortly. 429 00:16:36,262 --> 00:16:39,097 You truly were the most beautiful-- 430 00:16:43,902 --> 00:16:45,303 Hmm. A trampoline. 431 00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:49,140 Armond, what have you gotten yourself into? 432 00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:54,846 It's, uh-- - whoa. 433 00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:57,448 Bravo, there, dr. Armond. 434 00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,217 [laughter] 435 00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:01,486 - What a wild ride you've been on, armond! 436 00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:03,688 - How you feeling? - Am I on the set of 437 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:06,290 The show us your songs commonwealth finale? 438 00:17:06,292 --> 00:17:08,593 [dramatic music] 439 00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:09,927 What's going on? 440 00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:13,064 So you're an integral part 441 00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:15,800 Of the dr. Armond saga. 442 00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,068 Can you explain what happened? 443 00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:19,170 - Maybe a little bit, but it was just weird. 444 00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,671 I just remember being in the kitchen... 445 00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:22,473 - Yeah. - And your son laughing at me. 446 00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:23,541 - Shout-out to andy milonakis. 447 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,309 - And I was trying to get my head around the scene. 448 00:17:25,311 --> 00:17:28,780 Then I'm with ron howard's dad in an attic one time. 449 00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:30,048 - Rance howard. - And the next thing you know, 450 00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,449 I'm on a roof and somebody jumped off. 451 00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,985 For all I know, this is still part of the sketch. 452 00:17:33,987 --> 00:17:37,321 - Yeah. 453 00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:38,322 - What's going on? 454 00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:41,092 - Well, uh, let me just tee up this video 455 00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:44,128 By saying that the last two years of your life 456 00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:45,997 Has been an illusion. - A psychodrama! 457 00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:48,633 - It's all a lie, okay? Everyone you've met 458 00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:50,701 Has been faking it, and every experience you had 459 00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:52,437 Has been manufactured. 460 00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:54,705 So let's just let your son roman describe it to you. 461 00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:57,275 [movie reel clicking] 462 00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,944 - All right. 463 00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:04,382 [upbeat music] 464 00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:07,285 - ♪ congratulations ♪ 465 00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:08,086 - Oh, my. 466 00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:10,054 - Hi, dad. It's your son, roman. 467 00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,889 I have something important to tell you. 468 00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:14,859 Everything that happened to you in the last two years 469 00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:19,163 Has all been an elaborate adventure planned by me, 470 00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:20,431 Funded by you. 471 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,600 The marriage, the trial, the killer, 472 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:23,701 They were all fake. 473 00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,336 - Hey, dr. Armond... - That's detective smart. 474 00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:28,739 - I just wanted to say thank you so much for this opportunity. 475 00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,308 It was such a pleasure to work with you. 476 00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:32,677 - What an honor it has been to play cat and mouse with you. 477 00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,512 - There he is. - Planning to slaughter 478 00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,280 And consume people. 479 00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:37,782 But in fact, just be a hired hand 480 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,350 In a much larger game. 481 00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:42,954 - Hello there, armond, it's your old friend kelsey grammer. 482 00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:45,323 Joke's on you, pal. 483 00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:47,425 - Personally, I wondered why you never figured it out 484 00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:49,727 Why I was laughing through your whole trial. 485 00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:52,096 - You're a boring, predictable bitch, 486 00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:53,064 And that's why I did this. 487 00:18:53,066 --> 00:18:55,433 - You know, I never--I never thought to dream this big... 488 00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:56,934 - Oh, don't cry, detective smart. 489 00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:58,503 - ...You guys again, if we ever, you know, 490 00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:00,438 Mess with somebody else for another two years. 491 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,706 So thank you. - And, dad, 492 00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:04,342 I have one last big surprise for you. 493 00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,077 - Wow, there she is. 494 00:19:06,079 --> 00:19:10,181 Oh, shannon, how I long to see you again. 495 00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,517 [footsteps] 496 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:15,653 And there she is. 497 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:19,023 Is it just me, or is it getting warm in here? 498 00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:21,626 - [laughs] 499 00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:22,660 - She's gorgeous. 500 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,129 Hello, shannon. - Well, hello, armond. 501 00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:27,064 - You look more beautiful than ever. 502 00:19:27,066 --> 00:19:27,798 - Thank you. 503 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,635 - I've been searching for your killer the whole time. 504 00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,470 - I know. - Even better than the killer, 505 00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:35,072 I found you. - Oh, armond! 506 00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:38,176 Those were the nicest words that you've ever said to me. 507 00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:40,845 - [laughs] that's a-- that's really sweet. 508 00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:44,515 - I got in on the hoax because I thought you would-- 509 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,484 You could live your life and grown... 510 00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,920 - Yeah, uh-huh. - And then if you'd come back 511 00:19:48,922 --> 00:19:49,820 To me... - Sure, mm-hmm. 512 00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:53,090 - Then we would have such the best relationship ever. 513 00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:55,293 - What an adventure. I feel like gulliver, 514 00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:57,128 From gulliver's travels, the book. 515 00:19:57,130 --> 00:19:59,630 - Oh, nice. I love gulliver. 516 00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:02,867 - Well, thinking about all the coordinating roman did 517 00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:05,136 And all the money of mine that he spent, 518 00:20:05,138 --> 00:20:07,438 Thinking about all of you helping to do it, 519 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,874 My heart is bursting with love. 520 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,142 - Don't thank us there, pal. 521 00:20:11,144 --> 00:20:14,212 Thank yourself, 'cause you gave us quite a show. 522 00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:17,048 - I meant it as a metaphor, but my heart is bursting, 523 00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:20,551 Literally, through my chest. 524 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,720 There it is. There's blood. 525 00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,889 Oh, no. 526 00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,857 But his heart is actually bursting. 527 00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:29,894 If I had any last words, it would be that my life 528 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:33,331 Was a-okay. [bell dings] 529 00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:37,134 - Medic. 530 00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:38,603 - Tell roman I loved him. 531 00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:43,441 Well, well, well, that was an extra-large unexpected twist. 532 00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,243 - Uh, here's another twist. 533 00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:46,510 Everyone wins. 534 00:20:46,512 --> 00:20:48,613 - Well, how about that? 535 00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:51,749 - Safe passage, dr. Armond. 536 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:52,883 He doesn't win. 537 00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:56,020 He just gets the quiet peace of the next life. 538 00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:59,323 - ♪ you did it ♪ 539 00:21:00,025 --> 00:21:03,327 - Ha ha. Good at bizness. 540 00:21:03,329 --> 00:21:07,932 - Ow. 541 00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,233 - Congratulations, dr. Armond. 542 00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,235 You know what I mean? 'cause you got played. 543 00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:13,137 We've been a part of this adventure 544 00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:14,405 From the very beginning. 545 00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:16,173 - Talking about the ride that I've been on, 546 00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:17,808 How about the ride that you've been on? 547 00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:20,411 - You went on the adventure of a lifetime. 548 00:21:20,413 --> 00:21:20,444 I love you.