1 00:00:03,069 --> 00:00:04,969 - Congratulations, graduates. 2 00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:06,935 Now go out and change the world. 3 00:00:06,973 --> 00:00:09,743 [birds whistling, graduation music playing] 4 00:00:09,776 --> 00:00:11,976 [electronic whine] 5 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,482 - Let's keep this game going. 6 00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:18,453 [alarm rings] 7 00:00:18,485 --> 00:00:22,615 - [yawns] 8 00:00:22,655 --> 00:00:27,685 - All right. 9 00:00:27,727 --> 00:00:29,287 Let's get stoned. 10 00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:35,170 - [coughs] 11 00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:37,501 - Awesome. Monster hit. 12 00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:42,877 Time to start that screenplay. 13 00:00:42,909 --> 00:00:44,839 Ha-ha. Old school. 14 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:48,408 [cell phone rings] 15 00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:52,248 Bummer. 16 00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:55,685 Serious munchies. 17 00:00:55,722 --> 00:01:00,962 - [screams] - oh, dude, put some clothes on. 18 00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:03,134 - Yeah, it's your house, not hers. 19 00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:07,733 Ha-ha-ha. 20 00:01:07,767 --> 00:01:11,967 Yeah, toast is too much work. 21 00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:15,065 - [screams] - ah, dude, put some clothes on. 22 00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:16,678 - What's her problem? 23 00:01:22,315 --> 00:01:24,715 Good call. You've had a full day. 24 00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:29,491 - [snores] 25 00:01:29,522 --> 00:01:32,892 [electronic music] 26 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:40,896 ♪ 27 00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:46,767 - So I'm at one of those parties in, like, seventh grade, 28 00:01:46,806 --> 00:01:48,966 One of those first, like, boy-girl parties, 29 00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:50,208 And there are no parents there, 30 00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:51,713 And you're like, "cool ranch doritos? 31 00:01:51,744 --> 00:01:54,314 Cookie krisp?" I mean, we're having fun. 32 00:01:54,347 --> 00:01:55,477 We're going after it. 33 00:01:55,515 --> 00:01:57,315 I'm like 4'9". 34 00:01:57,350 --> 00:01:59,350 I'm like a straight-up little boy, 35 00:01:59,385 --> 00:02:01,085 I go to talk to my friend lizzie, 36 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,751 Who is this girl that I had a crush on. 37 00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,619 Like, I was gonna be like, "hey, did you read that article 38 00:02:04,657 --> 00:02:06,227 In highlights magazine?" 39 00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:07,859 And lizzie is sitting there, looking at me, 40 00:02:07,894 --> 00:02:09,134 Like, ugh, this guy's the worst. 41 00:02:09,162 --> 00:02:11,832 And this girl jenny, whose house it was, 42 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:13,165 Comes up from behind 43 00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:16,469 And pantses me because there was that year, 44 00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:20,013 Like, seventh grade, where pantsing was an epidemic. 45 00:02:20,039 --> 00:02:22,909 So jenny pulls down my little gap kids khakis, 46 00:02:22,942 --> 00:02:24,982 But here is the real problem, was that I was also wearing 47 00:02:25,011 --> 00:02:26,581 Silk boxer shorts. 48 00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:28,513 I don't know if I thought I was like a tiny hugh hefner. 49 00:02:28,548 --> 00:02:30,218 [jazz music] 50 00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:31,550 The smoothness of the silk 51 00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:34,394 Against the smoothness of my little boy penis, 52 00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:37,090 Everything comes down, and I'm just now buck naked. 53 00:02:37,123 --> 00:02:40,633 My lifetime childhood crush lizzie is staring straight 54 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,500 At me and my tiny, little cashew. 55 00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:46,270 The girl who pantsed me, she's traumatized, 56 00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:48,899 Lizzie is traumatized, 57 00:02:48,935 --> 00:02:51,435 I am now a comedian. 58 00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:54,211 It [bleep] us all up. 59 00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,636 I love good food. 60 00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:59,547 And I'll go anywhere to find it. 61 00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:02,449 Today, our destination is the sportsmen's lodge, 62 00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:04,952 Located in studio city, california. 63 00:03:04,984 --> 00:03:07,124 This is where the celebrities come to play. 64 00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:09,563 But the real star is the food. 65 00:03:09,589 --> 00:03:10,919 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you. 66 00:03:10,957 --> 00:03:12,817 - Thanks for coming in. - Oh, thanks for having me. 67 00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,159 - Yeah. - Bro, what do I get 68 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,534 At the sportsmen's lodge? 69 00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:17,102 - People love the tortilla soup. 70 00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:18,500 - The tortilla soup. - Yeah. 71 00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:20,071 - Serve me up a big, old bowl, bro. 72 00:03:20,099 --> 00:03:21,729 - Be happy too. - Great. 73 00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:24,138 - I actually have one right here for you. 74 00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:25,400 - So you're not gonna make it? 75 00:03:25,438 --> 00:03:27,438 - No, it's just soup. - I love this dude. 76 00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:28,843 A sprig of parsley, lemon, 77 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,905 And the piece de la resistance, 78 00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:33,045 Tortilla strips. 79 00:03:33,079 --> 00:03:34,409 Now do you make your tortilla strips? 80 00:03:34,447 --> 00:03:35,507 - We do. - In house? 81 00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:37,018 - In-house. - Awesome. 82 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:40,220 - Yeah. 83 00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:41,523 - Mm. 84 00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:43,424 This is really good tortilla soup. 85 00:03:43,456 --> 00:03:45,486 - Thank you. - So how much does this run for? 86 00:03:45,525 --> 00:03:47,885 - 15 bucks. - 15 bucks. 87 00:03:47,927 --> 00:03:50,727 Let's get the [bleep] out of here. 88 00:03:52,632 --> 00:03:56,802 - A man eats tortilla soup at a hotel restaurant. 89 00:03:56,836 --> 00:03:58,696 Normally, a diner would pay 90 00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:02,238 For his food, but this punk launches a glass of liquid, 91 00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:04,305 Hurls some seasoning packets, 92 00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:08,114 And physically assaults an unsuspecting patron. 93 00:04:08,147 --> 00:04:13,047 Another daring example of dine & dash. 94 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,350 - Hi, I'm roman. 95 00:04:15,388 --> 00:04:17,388 My father dr. Armond 96 00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:18,563 Is the most successful animal plastic surgeon 97 00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:19,731 In los angeles. 98 00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:20,829 - What we're gonna do 99 00:04:20,860 --> 00:04:22,330 Is take in the stomach. 100 00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:23,632 - His friends liz and liz helped him 101 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:24,833 Get his own reality show, and that reality show 102 00:04:24,864 --> 00:04:27,674 Destroyed his marriage. - I want a divorce. 103 00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:29,130 - ♪ say what 104 00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:31,668 - My dad moved out, and now it's just me and my mom. 105 00:04:31,704 --> 00:04:33,214 So I'm the man of the house, 106 00:04:33,239 --> 00:04:35,239 And now I'm having the time of my life. 107 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,252 - ♪ say what 108 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,351 - Uh-oh, c-czar, roman. 109 00:04:43,383 --> 00:04:45,853 Taking, taking over this joint. 110 00:04:45,885 --> 00:04:47,345 - C-czar. - Mm. 111 00:04:47,387 --> 00:04:49,857 - Yeah, c-czar's, like, my best friend. 112 00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:51,959 He's, like, cooler than all the cool kids 113 00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:53,461 At school. 114 00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:55,293 You know, he smokes weed, he drinks 40s, 115 00:04:55,328 --> 00:04:57,198 He got a lip ring, and he steals stuff. 116 00:04:57,230 --> 00:05:00,030 - Let's get lifted. Let's get lifted. 117 00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:02,026 - Yeah, but let's do it outside, though. 118 00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:03,538 We can't smoke in here, though. 119 00:05:03,569 --> 00:05:05,899 Remember? - [bleep] already lit, b. 120 00:05:05,938 --> 00:05:07,868 It's gonna smell up either way. 121 00:05:07,907 --> 00:05:09,307 Your mom comes home, you be like, 122 00:05:09,342 --> 00:05:11,582 "bitch, I'm the man of the house now. 123 00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:13,851 Cook me a steak, medium-rare." 124 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,950 - Yeah, yeah, you right. Yeah, you right. 125 00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,782 You ain't never lie. - Roman! 126 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:21,687 Roman, are you smoking in this house? 127 00:05:21,721 --> 00:05:23,891 - We're just--we ain't messing anything up. 128 00:05:23,923 --> 00:05:25,963 - And there's no skateboarding in this house. 129 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,332 You know that. - Nothing's gonna happen. 130 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,930 - No chicken nuggets for you tonight. 131 00:05:28,961 --> 00:05:31,401 - Why don't you-- - [gasps] 132 00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:32,901 - Oh, snap. 133 00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:34,102 - Oh. 134 00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:35,133 - Now who's gonna clean that up? 135 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:38,738 - Um... Yeah, um... 136 00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:41,641 I mean... 137 00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:43,444 - Bitch, I'm the man of the house now. 138 00:05:43,476 --> 00:05:45,736 Cook me a steak, medium-rare. 139 00:05:45,778 --> 00:05:48,308 - Mom, why don't you clean it up? 140 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,078 - Excuse me? - Cook me a steak, bitch. 141 00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:55,317 - Oh, no, roman, you didn't just disrespect your mom like that. 142 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,455 - Why, you little-- get over here. 143 00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:58,790 - No, mom. - Right now. 144 00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:00,825 - No! Ow! - Spanking time. 145 00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:02,930 That's right. Spanking time. 146 00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:04,002 - Ah! 147 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,430 Yeah, I'm scared of you, mom. 148 00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:07,665 I could probably get you killed if I wanted to. 149 00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:09,700 [sobs] 150 00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:14,168 - You look good. - Who the hell are you? 151 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,137 - I'm c-czar. 152 00:06:16,175 --> 00:06:18,275 I don't have a mom. 153 00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:20,811 Straight up, I been, have been with older women before, 154 00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:23,347 And you look good to me. - That's--that's very rude. 155 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,453 That's... 156 00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:26,124 - You have a very beautiful home. 157 00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,218 - Uh. Both: Oh, yeah. 158 00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:32,686 - Oh, you like that? - Oh, yeah. 159 00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:34,825 [moaning] - aw, yuck! 160 00:06:34,861 --> 00:06:37,061 - Sign my report card. Sign my report card. 161 00:06:37,096 --> 00:06:38,826 - Yo, you salty, dawg. 162 00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:40,395 - Sorry, c-czar. 163 00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:42,633 Yo, you my son, son. 164 00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:43,868 - Whatever, dad. 165 00:06:45,538 --> 00:06:46,938 - Coming up on roman's empire... 166 00:06:46,973 --> 00:06:49,473 - I'd love to figure out some way to cheer up roman. 167 00:06:49,509 --> 00:06:51,539 - I think that's a great idea. 168 00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:52,907 - Yeah, maybe dave & buster's. 169 00:06:52,945 --> 00:06:55,175 - Oh, I love dave & buster's. 170 00:06:55,214 --> 00:06:56,484 - Mm-hmm. - Then... 171 00:06:56,516 --> 00:06:57,816 - I know if I love dave & buster's, 172 00:06:57,850 --> 00:06:59,550 Roman would love dave & buster's. 173 00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:00,845 - Right. That would be a great idea, shannon. 174 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,455 - In colorado springs, the latest technology 175 00:07:07,493 --> 00:07:09,463 Is used to shape the current generation 176 00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:11,025 Of boxers, but, south of the border, 177 00:07:11,063 --> 00:07:12,833 Champion trainer papi steenbergen 178 00:07:12,865 --> 00:07:17,065 Uses more old-fashioned methods to prepare oscar ballasteros 179 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:19,703 For his u.S. Debut. 180 00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:25,241 - Okay. Queso, dice queso. 181 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:28,078 Can you say, "chee"? 182 00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:31,784 - Queso. - Aye. 183 00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:33,888 Como raton! 184 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,790 - I always say you should treat a boxer 185 00:07:36,823 --> 00:07:39,063 Like a son, 186 00:07:39,091 --> 00:07:41,591 And your son like a piece of [bleep]. 187 00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:44,257 [speaking spanish] 188 00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:11,355 All my son cares about is, uh... 189 00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:16,330 Folding piece of paper like a little japanese girl. 190 00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:19,432 [speaking spanish] 191 00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:43,816 Boxer must fight for something important. 192 00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:47,486 El money, los prizes-- that's not enough. 193 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,727 [speaking spanish] 194 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,000 - A week before the match, 195 00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:58,395 Papi withdraws his affection from the young fighter. 196 00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:05,182 And uses his own son as bait. 197 00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:21,033 - A fighter must be hungry for affection. 198 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:23,130 [speaking spanish] 199 00:09:34,106 --> 00:09:36,106 [cheers and applause] [bell dings] 200 00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:55,428 - Ever since I caught c-czar having sex with my mom, 201 00:09:55,461 --> 00:09:58,831 I moved into a hotel with my dad. 202 00:09:58,864 --> 00:10:00,504 - So, roman, we're very pleased 203 00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:01,873 That you're sharing dinner with us tonight. 204 00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:03,741 - Yeah, I'm glad to have-- to finally meet you. 205 00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:05,799 - Mm-hmm. - Can I eat? 206 00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:07,308 - Roman was obviously having a tough time, 207 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,470 And shannon knew exactly what to do. 208 00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:10,938 - I'll take care of this. 209 00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:12,377 - I trust you implicitly with him. 210 00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:15,251 - Oh, thank you. He's like my own son too. 211 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,581 Hi, roman. - What? 212 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,218 - So what are your favorite subjects at school? 213 00:10:21,253 --> 00:10:23,223 - I like, uh, recess. 214 00:10:23,255 --> 00:10:24,385 [both nervously chuckle] 215 00:10:24,423 --> 00:10:26,893 - Oh, that was my favorite, too, in school. 216 00:10:26,926 --> 00:10:28,956 And creative writing. - Mm-hmm. 217 00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:33,055 - And advanced biology. - Mm-hmm. 218 00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:35,369 Roman does like to read. - Do you? 219 00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:36,601 - I don't like to read. 220 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:37,936 - What about those magazines 221 00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:39,500 That you have in the house with the black girls 222 00:10:39,538 --> 00:10:42,168 With the big butts? 223 00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:43,638 - It's a dance book. 224 00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:45,036 - I love dancing. - Mm-hmm. 225 00:10:45,077 --> 00:10:46,337 - I bet you do. 226 00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:47,509 - Shannon? She's hot. 227 00:10:47,546 --> 00:10:50,076 Kinda like my mom, but kinda not. 228 00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:52,216 - ♪ happy birthday - yea! 229 00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:54,551 Both: ♪ go, roman, it's your birthday ♪ 230 00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:55,717 ♪ go, roman, it's your birthday ♪ 231 00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:57,255 - It's not my birthday. 232 00:10:57,289 --> 00:10:59,819 Both: ♪ go, roman, it's your birthday ♪ 233 00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:02,859 - No, it's not! - Whoo-hoo! 234 00:11:02,895 --> 00:11:05,525 - This was all shannon's idea. 235 00:11:05,564 --> 00:11:09,704 - Thank you, sweetie. - Thank you. 236 00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:12,265 What did you wish for? 237 00:11:12,304 --> 00:11:15,644 - I wished for tomorrow to be your best day ever. 238 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,275 You wake up, you look in the mirror, 239 00:11:17,309 --> 00:11:20,109 And you're really happy with your looks. 240 00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:22,276 You're not balding anymore. 241 00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:24,084 And then you drop dead of a heart attack. 242 00:11:24,116 --> 00:11:26,716 And then if you don't die of the heart attack, 243 00:11:26,752 --> 00:11:28,492 You find out that you have a fatal disease 244 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,061 And you only have three days to live. 245 00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:35,290 - Well, guess what. I'm granting you a second wish. 246 00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:36,557 - Fine. 247 00:11:36,595 --> 00:11:38,325 I wish for you to know that mom is having sex 248 00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:40,634 With my best friend c-czar, and you know what? 249 00:11:40,666 --> 00:11:43,066 I'm not even joking about that. It actually happened. 250 00:11:43,102 --> 00:11:44,772 - Ooh, I gotta take a field trip. 251 00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:46,574 Will you sign my permission slip for me? 252 00:11:46,605 --> 00:11:51,575 Let them eat cake! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! 253 00:11:51,610 --> 00:11:54,050 - Wow. 254 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,210 I'm feeling a bit nauseous right now. 255 00:11:56,248 --> 00:11:59,018 So I'm gonna go to the w.C. 256 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:00,521 - Honey, are you okay? 257 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,023 - Maybe my wish came true. 258 00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:03,324 Maybe you do have a fatal disease. 259 00:12:03,355 --> 00:12:05,955 - You are just awful! 260 00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:12,296 [c-czar and shannon moaning] 261 00:12:12,331 --> 00:12:16,671 - Sign my report card. Sign my report card! 262 00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:18,872 Yo, you're my son, son! 263 00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:20,774 - Oh, my god! Oh, my god! 264 00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:21,936 - Get over here, girl. 265 00:12:21,974 --> 00:12:23,744 - [screams] oh, roman, come on! 266 00:12:23,776 --> 00:12:26,006 Oh! Oh, yeah! 267 00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:27,475 - Of course it was upsetting to find out 268 00:12:27,513 --> 00:12:29,053 That my new wife had a roving eye. 269 00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:32,581 But at least roman was getting some much-needed exercise. 270 00:12:32,618 --> 00:12:33,688 - ♪ say what 271 00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:40,133 [upbeat jazz music] 272 00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:44,459 ♪ 273 00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:46,967 - So, gig, should we stretch first? 274 00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:50,069 - No, let's just, you know, stay tight and get injured. 275 00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:53,172 - Check it out. Lew alcindor. 276 00:12:53,205 --> 00:12:54,935 Okay. All right. 277 00:12:54,974 --> 00:12:56,414 - What's going on? - That just-- 278 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,112 Something just tweaked-- a little something--real bad. 279 00:12:58,144 --> 00:13:00,814 - I like to rotate until the pain spreads 280 00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:03,476 And it's more of a numb-- numb everywhere kind of thing. 281 00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:04,916 - There it is! 282 00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,520 You know, it's nice to see how sort of 283 00:13:06,552 --> 00:13:07,922 Loopy and weird your arms are. 284 00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,923 - I've got real noodle arms these days. 285 00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:11,055 - [chuckling] - that's right! 286 00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:12,360 I was like "yo, boo! 287 00:13:12,391 --> 00:13:13,761 What's up with that ass, know what I'm saying?" 288 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,163 Let's get it up, get it up! 289 00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,634 - You guys are really black. Freakin' commodores. 290 00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:20,703 - Ahh! That's my ball! 291 00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,073 It's a little flat, but-- - get that ball outta here, yo. 292 00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:24,402 Let's choose it up. We got two and four. 293 00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:25,566 We got six. - I'll serve. 294 00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:27,514 If you guys just wanna hang out. 295 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,710 - What you talking about, yo? - I don't know. 296 00:13:29,742 --> 00:13:32,182 - Let's choose teams up, baby. Let's choose teams up. 297 00:13:32,211 --> 00:13:34,281 - I got my man right here. - Mike-mike be ballin'! 298 00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:36,483 Mike-mike! Let me see who I want. 299 00:13:36,515 --> 00:13:38,345 Jj! Whoopty-whoo! 300 00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:39,784 Boo! You know how to do it, jj. 301 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,749 - We come as a pair. 302 00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:43,817 - I'll get this bob barker, 303 00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:46,016 Ron paul lookin' dude right here. 304 00:13:46,058 --> 00:13:49,328 - Damn. You be right on the button with these fools, man. 305 00:13:49,361 --> 00:13:51,661 But, sister, gimme judi dench up in here. 306 00:13:51,697 --> 00:13:52,827 You know who judi dench is, right? 307 00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:54,225 [hysterical laughter] 308 00:13:54,266 --> 00:13:56,696 - All right, dame judi dench ready to shoot some hoops. 309 00:13:58,737 --> 00:14:00,267 - Ball up, ball up! 310 00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:04,406 - I'll scratch you up. - All right. 311 00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:06,013 - Oh! - Okay, all right. 312 00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:07,775 - Get over here, y'all. Come on, man. 313 00:14:07,813 --> 00:14:10,353 - First off... 314 00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:13,022 O.J. Did it, all right? 315 00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:14,392 - You know, my analyst says 316 00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:16,390 That if I don't get out and play more, 317 00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:19,092 That, uh, I'm never gonna get back in the game, probably. 318 00:14:19,124 --> 00:14:20,094 - I'm gonna be honest with you, man. 319 00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,355 - Uh-huh. - You terrible. 320 00:14:21,393 --> 00:14:24,533 - Now my boy, gil-- that guy is no good. 321 00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:27,003 I could really lay him out quickly. 322 00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:28,832 With him out of the way, I think we're just gonna be... 323 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:32,638 360 spins and slam dunk pointers. 324 00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:34,111 - Dude. 325 00:14:34,139 --> 00:14:36,269 - Take your hands off me. I'm not one of your students. 326 00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:38,908 - Oh, I put a lot more than my hands inside my students. 327 00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:40,784 - Oh! Get off of me! 328 00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:43,653 [chewing sounds] [bone pops] 329 00:14:43,682 --> 00:14:45,952 Ow! - Oh! Snap! 330 00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:47,715 - You popped my shoulder. 331 00:14:47,753 --> 00:14:51,223 - And ron paul just broke phil spector's shoulder, yo. 332 00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:52,787 - My friend has a popped shoulder. 333 00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:55,485 Please give me a burnt bagel for me. 334 00:14:57,329 --> 00:15:00,159 Kids: Ice cream! 335 00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:01,869 [light music] 336 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,071 - Hey, guys, who's first? 337 00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:05,842 - I want two toasted almonds, two astro puffs, 338 00:15:05,871 --> 00:15:07,141 And a spongebob gum pop. 339 00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:09,712 - All right. [plastic rustling] 340 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,982 Two--all right, there you go. 341 00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:14,311 That'll be $12.50. 342 00:15:14,346 --> 00:15:18,046 [dramatic music] 343 00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:20,083 - Let's get the [honk] out of here. 344 00:15:27,192 --> 00:15:29,332 - You got the stuff? - Here you go. 345 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,063 - All right. 346 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:33,997 Let's get the [honk] out of here. 347 00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:35,133 - Hey! 348 00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:37,397 - A child refuses to pony up 349 00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:39,936 For multiple frozen treats. 350 00:15:39,972 --> 00:15:42,142 - $12.50. - Instead... 351 00:15:42,174 --> 00:15:45,144 He races to his cohort who snatches the contraband 352 00:15:45,177 --> 00:15:48,907 And physically assaults the hapless young man, 353 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,648 Violating their verbal agreement 354 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:53,383 And pocketing the spoils for himself. 355 00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:55,149 [slo-mo whining] 356 00:15:55,187 --> 00:15:58,257 He also stole a truck. 357 00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:03,328 [siren blares, police radio chatter] 358 00:16:03,362 --> 00:16:06,132 [pastoral music] 359 00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:07,125 [music stops] 360 00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:08,196 - Hah hah hah! 361 00:16:08,233 --> 00:16:10,503 What up? It's your boy, c-czar. 362 00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,196 I'm the bad influence best friend 363 00:16:12,237 --> 00:16:13,807 From roman's empire. 364 00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:15,169 Gettin' blazed! 365 00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:17,937 Roman got shipped off to military school 366 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,637 And mrs. Armond, she avoiding 367 00:16:19,678 --> 00:16:21,978 Pending statutory rape charges. 368 00:16:22,014 --> 00:16:24,054 Oh, I'm want to finish on your back, mom. 369 00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:26,353 That leaves me alone in that big-ass, dumb-ass house. 370 00:16:26,385 --> 00:16:30,515 And I'm straight-up having the time of my life. 371 00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:34,656 Welcome to c-czar's palace. 372 00:16:36,195 --> 00:16:37,425 Let them eat cake. 373 00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:39,763 'cause that's what caesar said. 374 00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:42,568 [hip-hop music] 375 00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:44,441 Shake it, shake it. 376 00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:46,740 Oh, snap. Y'all are lazy. 377 00:16:46,772 --> 00:16:50,742 Exercise your body. Exercise your miiiind. 378 00:16:50,776 --> 00:16:53,136 This house is driving me insane! 379 00:16:53,178 --> 00:16:55,678 Let them eat cake! That's my catchphrase. 380 00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:58,224 She look like a straight-up villain now. 381 00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,920 But I'm the only villain here. Click-click-click-click! 382 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,693 All these are my catchphrases. 383 00:17:02,721 --> 00:17:05,921 'cause last time I checked, it was called c-czar's palace, 384 00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:07,758 Not some dumb bitch's palace. 385 00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:10,863 It's so hard runnin' this palace! 386 00:17:10,896 --> 00:17:12,396 It's like when this show started, 387 00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:14,771 Like I was like no rules, no parents, 388 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,200 No condoms. 389 00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:18,195 But now it's like I meet you, 390 00:17:18,237 --> 00:17:20,067 And then we had that threesome with that other bitch 391 00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:21,835 In the hot tub. 392 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,884 I'm having the time of my life. 393 00:17:23,909 --> 00:17:26,079 It's real tough for me to get close to women, 394 00:17:26,111 --> 00:17:29,051 'cause like my mom smokes meth and I'm a toilet baby. 395 00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:31,781 But like being with you, it's like... 396 00:17:31,817 --> 00:17:33,617 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, 397 00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:35,252 But it's also like... 398 00:17:35,287 --> 00:17:38,457 [softer] blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 399 00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:40,490 Can I kiss you? 400 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:43,090 Aah! [bleep]! 401 00:17:43,128 --> 00:17:45,858 You [bleep] up my lip! Get outta here, bitch! 402 00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,598 Everything is upside down! 403 00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:50,133 What has this house done to me? 404 00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:52,539 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 405 00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:54,271 That [bleep] is infected. 406 00:17:58,143 --> 00:18:01,113 [mellow music] 407 00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:08,046 ♪ 408 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,757 - ♪ oh oh oh 409 00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:13,789 - Mmm! - Yeah. 410 00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:15,556 ♪ 411 00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:18,804 [man moaning, woman giggling] 412 00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:20,601 - Ah...Ah! 413 00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:22,932 - Let's get the [bleep] outta here. 414 00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:26,598 - A man samples his girlfriend's cherry pie 415 00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:30,068 Before deciding to take his piece to go. 416 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,179 [slo-mo] 417 00:18:32,211 --> 00:18:34,781 [dramatic music] 418 00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:36,713 [jazz music] 419 00:18:36,748 --> 00:18:39,218 - St. Giglin, I'm gonna take 1/4 page ad out 420 00:18:39,251 --> 00:18:40,591 In the village voice and let everyone know 421 00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:42,289 That you're a lech and not a best friend. 422 00:18:42,321 --> 00:18:43,551 - And I'll take 1/2 page ad out 423 00:18:43,589 --> 00:18:45,519 That says, "free nude massage." 424 00:18:45,557 --> 00:18:47,187 - Hello. 425 00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:51,226 Both, slowly: Oh...Hello. 426 00:18:51,263 --> 00:18:53,503 - Hi. I'm dr. Nussbaum, 427 00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:56,302 And you are mr. Faison? - Uh, no. 428 00:18:56,335 --> 00:18:59,035 Mr. Faison is my ex-wife's husband's name. 429 00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:01,511 You can call me gil. - Or don't call him at all. 430 00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:04,680 Call me. George st. Giglin. 431 00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:07,710 - Get bent, st. Giglin. - Get stuffed, faison. 432 00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:10,246 - Okay, um, so you are 433 00:19:10,282 --> 00:19:11,582 Wearing a tote bag as a sling, 434 00:19:11,617 --> 00:19:13,047 So something's wrong with your shoulder? 435 00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:15,715 - Yeah. Also I might have some other medical issues 436 00:19:15,754 --> 00:19:17,124 That I'm in here to talk about-- 437 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,186 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 438 00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:21,964 He, uh...He pees ten times a night. 439 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:24,934 And has to keep getting up, and it's why I'm so tired. 440 00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:26,433 I mean, why he's so tired. 441 00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:28,265 I'm using him for medical advice. 442 00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:29,570 - I'm sorry, who are you? 443 00:19:29,601 --> 00:19:31,271 - Well, if you have an orthodontist in here, 444 00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:34,173 I've been using a couple chiclets as teeth in the back. 445 00:19:34,206 --> 00:19:36,666 - Also, I have caffeinis. 446 00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:38,008 Caffeine-penis. 447 00:19:38,043 --> 00:19:40,043 When I drink too many cappucinis, 448 00:19:40,078 --> 00:19:42,778 My penis becomes useless. 449 00:19:42,814 --> 00:19:44,124 - I can't really address that right now. 450 00:19:44,149 --> 00:19:46,179 I have a 16-year-old pregnant girl in the other room 451 00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:47,588 That I really need to get to. 452 00:19:47,619 --> 00:19:50,349 - And I have bagel-induced cholesterol. 453 00:19:50,389 --> 00:19:52,759 - Right. So you're having some pain in your shoulder? 454 00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:54,061 - Yeah. - Okay, can I, um... 455 00:19:54,092 --> 00:19:55,162 - Okay. 456 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,464 - Yeah, it's-- - [whimpers] 457 00:19:56,495 --> 00:19:57,725 - I barely touched it. - Oh, boy! 458 00:19:57,763 --> 00:19:59,933 - Okay, so it's very tender. - Eeeh-aaah. 459 00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:02,925 - Okay. I'm getting a very strong ammonia smell over here. 460 00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:05,598 - Oh, that's 'cause I let my cat piss on me for health. 461 00:20:05,637 --> 00:20:07,907 - He has a little tabby named judd hirsch. 462 00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:09,410 - So how did you hurt your shoulder? It seems... 463 00:20:09,441 --> 00:20:11,441 - Oh! - You may have dislocated it. 464 00:20:11,476 --> 00:20:14,406 - This guy decked me 'cause the blacks liked me more. 465 00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:15,746 - Yeah, we were playing basketball 466 00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:17,881 With these awful black guys, and he displeased me, 467 00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:20,216 So I took him out. - Yeah. 468 00:20:20,252 --> 00:20:22,492 - You know, I am actually legally bound 469 00:20:22,521 --> 00:20:23,851 To report any instances of domestic violence 470 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,859 Between partners. - What? 471 00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,231 - You think we're "herm-sexual" partners? 472 00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:29,029 - You think we're hermisexuals? 473 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,161 - What would give you that-- 474 00:20:31,196 --> 00:20:33,126 I mean, look, I guess we are best friends. 475 00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:34,495 - Sure. Who isn't? 476 00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:35,833 - And if we do live together... 477 00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:37,637 - It's easier when you share a hot pot. 478 00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:39,439 - And I guess we do sleep in a murphy bed together. 479 00:20:39,471 --> 00:20:41,611 You know, but we're not sexual. 480 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,840 Though I guess a lot of couples are actually not sexual. 481 00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:45,535 So I guess in a way, I mean, 482 00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:47,607 We are sort of a gay domestic partnership, 483 00:20:47,646 --> 00:20:49,446 And I am abusive. Both: Huh! 484 00:20:49,481 --> 00:20:50,921 - Never thought about it that way. 485 00:20:50,949 --> 00:20:53,079 - Never thought about it that way either. 486 00:20:53,118 --> 00:20:54,518 - I'm either going to great this shoulder... 487 00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:56,923 - Uh-huh. - Or I need you guys to go. 488 00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,690 - Jerk him off. 489 00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,864 - Ha ha. Good at bizness. 490 00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:08,196 - [speaking spanish] okay? 491 00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:10,033 - Okay. [whistles] 492 00:21:10,068 --> 00:21:13,468 [speaking spanish, whistles] 493 00:21:13,505 --> 00:21:14,765 [tap tap] 494 00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:16,666 [speaking spanish] 495 00:21:16,708 --> 00:21:18,778 - It's okay, mama. It's okay. 496 00:21:18,810 --> 00:21:20,950 [laughter]