- Delta, alpha, bravo. Requesting drone support.
I repeat. Delta, alpha, bravo.
Requesting air strike.
[intense music]
♪ ♪
[modem tone]
- Let's rock and roll.
- Welcome, new drone pilots.
Your lives as you know them
Are about to change.
- Whoa, buddy. Come on, man.
- This will take a toll on your bodies and your minds.
Your families will not understand.
- See? Daddy is a real pilot.
- I still don't get it.
- Some of you will not last the duration of this operation,
But such is the cost of modern warfare.
- Hey, did you hear that rivera left?
- No. - Yeah.
Means that chair has opened up, that comfy chair of his.
I wonder who's gonna get it.
- Those are my donuts.
- I've eaten three donuts by the time you wake up.
- That's nothing to be proud of.
- So you're the new occupational therapist?
- Scarlet, nice to meet you.
- Yeah, I've got a problem with my carpal tunnel, I think.
- You're fine.
- [sniffs]
[coughs] cool.
- Repeat! Repeat! [explosions]
I'm getting hit from everywhere, guys!
- Mayday, mayday. Doug, come in.
- I'm coming, I'm coming. I'm almost there.
- What's your 20, doug?
- Stay with me, I'm almost there.
Okay, I'm there. What do you want?
- Coffee. Black.
Two creams and a sugar.
Hurry up, doug.
These drones aren't gonna fly themselves.
- You think you can't handle it, you can stand up,
And you can walk out right now.
Y--okay.
[dubstep music]
♪ ♪
- I got I.E.D.S, everything, guys!
[over intercom] everywhere! They're coming in--
- Did you go see the new-- the new elvis cirque du soleil?
- Oh, I heard that's long.
- Oh. - Yeah.
[dubstep music]
♪ ♪
- When I get a haircut, I'm just like,
"oh, you know, like, a little off the sides.
Uh, keep the top a little longer."
What I want to say is, like,
"can you make my face more attractive?
Make me look like jason priestley from 90210."
I mean, I-I want you to think I'm funny,
But kind of at the end of the day,
I would still rather be handsome.
This my red-carpet face.
[camera snaps]
- Look, women will sell each other out
For a chicken sandwich.
That's the truth!
Oh, hello. My name is fabrice fabrice,
The name so nice you have to say it...
Again. [laughs]
Let me ask you a question.
You have any friends that you cannot trust?
This is a little thing that we call...
Let me settle a quick dispute.
We--okay, my boy angel,
He was supposed to bring matthew--
They were supposed to meet me at sizzler,
And they did not show up.
- Sizzler, yum.
- Angel and matthew don't show up.
I go out into the parking lot at sizzler,
And I slice everybody's tires up, okay?
- Huh? - Am in the wrong?
- Excuse me?
Don't judge me.
Can I finish? Am I at fault?
- Yeah. - Oh, come on.
I will bury your dog in water like michael vick,
And then I will throw for three touchdowns.
You being rude now.
- [sighs]
- [grunts]
[exhales]
- They have families and jobs.
They are husbands, sons, and uncles.
They live different lives, but there's one thing
They all have in common.
[soft guitar music]
♪ ♪
- It's nice to be your own boss,
But I-I do get a little stir crazy sometimes.
I mean, this is everything.
This is work, this is home, this is,
You know, my break room.
I try to stay pretty disciplined
About keeping it a work environment.
You know, I wish that I did have some coworkers
To josh around with and, you know...
[inhales deeply, exhales]
Work should be a little bit fun too.
♪ ♪
- See, I grew up in the '60s, which was--
It's an exciting time,
And I lost my virginity at the library at berkeley,
Which was exciting, and it was disgusting.
The ponytail lets people know that although, you know,
I'm a defense attorney, I-I'm not so serious, you know?
I--[laughs] I've been known
To be a practical joker.
I'll have a grande mocha latte, hold the onion, hold the mayo.
- Excuse me?
- I am a martial artist.
Uh, I'm also a reptile enthusiast,
But I am, uh, I'm not cold-blooded.
You know, if you attack me, or if you try to sneak up on me,
You're gonna fall prey.
My favorite movies would be a tie of, uh,
Any bruce lee movie.
I am, uh, single. Um...
One of the first teachings in buddhism is, uh, you know,
Visualize what you want, and then it's gonna happen.
That's what I did with these bad boys.
I saw the infomercial, and I said,
"gosh, I'd love to have these,"
And five years later, they were mine.
- Oh, gross. Is this hair?
Guys, this is a scoop. You use it to scoop, okay?
Things are extra difficult because I'm going through
An estrogen storm right now.
An estrogen storm is a flood of traditionally female hormones
That...[sniffles] overtakes the male body,
But these are little challenges
That we have to face in our lives.
I sound off-tune.
[plucking, tuning guitar]
- [playing bass guitar]
[phone rings]
Yes, I was playing bass.
- Please, just let me talk. - No!
- What about my tempo? - Honey, w--
- What about my tempo for my life?
- No, it calmed me!
- Mark, I want a divorce.
- I can't--I don't understand what you're saying.
- Seriously, mark-- - I was in a good place!
[knock at door]
- Hi, mrs. Sanghvi.
- You are three months behind on your rent.
- Yeah, no, I'm well aware of that.
- You are using a dangerous amount of energy in this unit.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Uh, if I don't get my rent
By the end of this week, I have to evict you.
- Okay, mrs. Sanghvi. A pleasure to see you again.
- Thank you, mr. Barry. - Okay.
[exhales]
- Welcome back to can I finish?
Things got pretty out of control on that last round.
That cannot happen again.
Today, we're talking about the proliferation
Of talking heads on the news.
Is all this squawk adding up to squat?
Let's take it to the people in the tiny boxes.
[shouting] luke bennett, any thoughts on that?
- It's simply a game of mathematics.
If you look at the simple fact...
- Excuse me. - Of who is control...
- Excuse me! Excuse me! - Of the media,
The corporate--excuse me. - May I--can I talk?
- Let me finish. - Let's take this one
Out to sea. Captain jack!
- When a boat sinks, everyone blames the captain,
Like on the titanic.
- Excuse me! - It's not always your fault!
- May I finish please? - Yes.
You can finish, mark!
- It's give and take. - And stuck at sea
For five months. - I've heard what you--
- Let me finish! - Right, right.
But what is john q. Public supposed to think about this?
Go ahead, meek woman. - Thanks, jim.
Uh, what I was trying to say before, uh, was--
- Who cares what this dog woman has to say?
- Excuse me! May I finish? Please?
- All right, look, mark can't take yes for an answer.
[screaming] meek woman, I want to hear
What you have to say! - Thanks, jim.
What I was trying to say before is that--
- Time's up. Flip the boxes.
- Dog-- - thank you, jim. Finally!
The mets are the working-class man's team.
- Penalty box. The mets are off-limits.
Cut his mic.
We got a tweet here from @akabobbyb.
He says, "no disrespect, because I respect you,
But can I finish?"
Well, what about that?
Shoutman, what do you think? And please don't shout.
- [shouting] I will not stop shouting!
- Yep. - Excuse me, can I finish?
- Dr. Armond, why are you here?
- Just like dogs have a right to get plastic surgery,
I have a right to sp--
- Okay, time for the circle round.
Meek woman, speak!
- Excuse me, can I finish? Both: Can I finish?
- Jinx! One of you owes the other one a coke!
- [scoffs] - okay, mets fan,
You are out of the box.
- Ever. You know, buckner.
That wasn't his fault. - [stutters] just spit it out!
That was mets positivity. - Just spit it out!
- Guys, guys. We need to see those boxes
Turned into diamonds.
- Excuse me, why is this guy talking about baseball?
- Can I finish, luke?
- We are out of time. Everybody finish.
Just do a quick finish. - I am shouting at you!
- Ah! He's in my box! - Folks.
Twitter me at-- [overlapping shouting]
Hey, I'm trying to tell them the twitter address!
Everybody keeps telling me it's important
That they tweet me-- [overlapping yelling]
The twitter-- - may I finish?
- You know what? I'm gonna get every--
[overlapping yelling]
Forget it! There's no point in it!
Somebody's job's gotta be to figure out who talks when!
I can't do it 'cause I don't know how!
- I am shouting loudly!
- Blink 182 or 311?
- 311.
- 311's a good band. - Yeah.
- Here we are at the scene of the crime.
This is where I waited for angel and matthew.
They never showed up,
And so I sliced up those tires.
Slash. Retribution.
My boy angel does sound for me.
He does a bad job
'cause he's too busy smoking meth all day.
I said, "angel, get off that tina.
Get your act together."
He said, "no, I'm gonna do what I do."
I said, "you leave me alone.
"I'm not gonna take this tonight.
"'cause if we go in the area tonight,
"we gonna have fun.
"and I don't want to think about work
When I'm not at work."
And angel's like, "no, no, no.
I work for you. I don't work for anybody."
I said, "you don't work for me.
Not anymore."
You know? Isn't that--
Isn't that the truth when you work with friends?
- What this is?
- I want a divorce.
- I've lost my wife. I've lost my house.
And I'm having the time of my life.
[glasses clink]
- ♪ today there's a change in my life ♪
♪ and I'm feeling alive ♪
- One for the divorcee suite.
- ♪ today there's a change in my life ♪
♪ that's life ♪
[phone rings]
Go for dr. Armond,
California's premier pet plastic surgeon.
- What's up, doc? - Oh.
Kelsey, how are you?
- What time are we going to hit the titty bars?
- Not tonight, my friend.
Tonight I've got a date.
I was recently introduced to one of the most beautiful women
I've ever met.
I'm entranced by her
And hope to take her to a hotel restaurant.
I'm not sure if the sexual chemistry's there,
But I feel like I've finally found a real partner.
- Play the field, my friend! Play the field.
[chuckles] how's your hair?
- It's holding up, kels, but my backhand is outta sight.
Well, it looks like armond is at it again.
I've made a reservation for us at the hotel restaurant.
I'm looking forward to seeing if there are any sparks.
Oh, there she is.
Wow...
She looks amazing.
Here she comes.
The chemistry was palpable.
Mmm.
This is very good tortilla soup.
- Yeah, it's delicious.
- Have you had tortilla soup before?
- Mm-hmm. I have. - Mm-hmm.
- And so, shannon...
- Yes, doctor... - Do you--?
- Ar--armond? - Armond.
Yeah, I think that's more romantic.
I think if I called you "doctor,"
It would be too much of a professional relationship.
- Sure.
So shannon, tell me--
- Yes, armond?
- Do you have hopes and dreams? - Mm-hmm.
- Ever since I split with my ex,
I'm trying to turn over a new leaf.
I've got a new car.
It's a mustang. It's green.
- My beetle's beige.
[dog barking]
- If you'll excuse me, I have received a text message.
I was falling head-over-heels in love with shannon,
Despite kelsey's best efforts,
And yet, there was one big obstacle still to overcome.
Hey, ro?
- Yeah?
- You ready to be my best man, roman?
- Fine, but I'm gonna need $10,000
For your bachelor party.
- Deal. - And you're not coming.
- You're quite the negotiator, roman.
- Maybe you could order me a bunch of food
And then take, like, a two-hour walk.
- Roman, I love you very much.
- Shut up.
- Next week, on the two-hour series finale
Of armond about town...
Let's just throw caution to the wall
And really go for this.
[wedding music]
I feel like cinderella.
- Yo, I can't do this whole wedding thing.
I'm sorry, I gotta go. Peace, man.
[dramatic music]
- Kelsey, I need you to be my best man.
[dubstep music]
- Once in a while, you find a girl who's cool,
And she kinda just watches movie with you,
And you watch romantic comedies with her...
- Mm-hmm. - And that's your sacrifice
To the relationship.
And then their sacrifice to the relationship
Is they just shut they mouths.
[laughter]
Um, good to know. - [squawks]
- ♪ oh
- I mean, talk about a fellow that's at peace.
Look at bruce leezard. He doesn't even flinch.
Oh, there he goes.
[soft guitar music]
I mean, that's what it's like to be a brown belt.
His habitat is not cheap to maintain.
There's a lot of costs.
Lo--lot of costs involved.
Uh, there's the heat lamps. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[electric droning] that is the sweetest sound,
Uh, to bruce, if he had ears.
I just hear, uh, I just hear my bank account draining out.
It adds up, but, uh,
You can't put a price tag on a best friend.
It's worth it.
- Things at the, uh, co-op have been difficult lately.
- Renick! - Wh--I--just a second.
Oh, my--
- The nut press is ruined.
- Oh. [groans] well, uh, how do you know--?
Uh--that's probably 'cause they weren't using the scoops.
I've been telling people to use the scoops.
- No, renick, this is your hair.
- I don't-- [sighs]
In order to pay for the nut press,
I'm taking on more graphic design work
Than I'm comfortable with right now.
No. [pounding keys]
No, the--"g"s don't look good in the papyrus font.
It's huge problem.
[sighs] I could try. I mean, it's not--
It's not standard to put a different--
You know, to change fonts in the same word.
[sighs]
♪ ♪
[somber music]
♪ ♪
- I have never liked your ponytail, mark.
- What are you talking about?
What--when we make-- when we make love,
You always pulled on my p-tail.
- You didn't notice I was crying when I did it?
- Just stop it! Stop fighting!
- Sweetie. Sweetie, shh. - I mean it dad, okay?
You too, mom.
I swear, I'll go back to hustling again.
- Get a haircut. Both of you.
- Come here, sweetheart.
Come here. Shh.
She's irrational.
- You should really apol--
- You see what I'm talking about?
Am I b-- is it me?
Am I wro-- just let me talk.
- I'm here to-- - may I talk, please?
- I--please-- - I have something to say.
May I say it? - Yes, mark.
- Okay? Would you just let me finish?
- Perhaps you could-- - am I wrong?
[dubstep music]
['80s dance music]
[cheers and applause]
['80s dance music]
[cheering]
♪
[cheering]
♪
[cheering]
♪
[cheering]
[thunder clapping]
[electronic buzzing]
- [robot voice] electricity.
[techno music] [applause]
♪
- ♪ whoa whoa-o
♪ whoa wa whoa-o whoa whoa-o
♪
[cheering]
♪ whoa whoa-o
♪ whoa wa whoa-o whoa whoa-o
[cheering]
♪
[drumbeats] [clapping in rhythm]
[electronic buzzing] [bell dings]
♪
- [robot voice] electricity. [cheering]
♪
[cheering]
['80s dance music]
♪
[dubstep music]
- You--are you flying over there?
- I'm still trying to log in here.
- Rookie maneuver.
- [sighs]
Come on, I'm having a tough time here.
- What's your password?
- Favorite words, and numbers, and letters, and things, and--
Uh, s-- I had the password
Written down somewhere, and I lost it.
[intense music]
[mellow music]
- ♪ oh
[knocking at the door]
- Just a minute.
[sighs] hey, sergio. Thank you for coming on such short notice.
- Yeah, you betcha. Sure.
So the main shower again?
- Yeah, it's the weirdest thing.
It's all clogged up.
- Yeah, that's what I thought. [grunts]
Just a lot of hair.
- Yeah, well, sergio, it's been a tough week.
[whimpers]
[sobs]
- It--it-- it might not be yours.
- [sobs]
Of course it's mine, sergio. I'm not an idiot.
[sobs] - we all have things
That we're going through. - [sobs]
- I just think that you need to, uh--
- [sobs] - I don't know,
Maybe just take a break, and... - [sniffs]
- Catch your breath, and-- - [sighs]
You're a good friend. [sniffs]
[sighs] [clears throat]
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Hey!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll just get my toolbox then.
- [sighs, whimpers]
[motown music]
- ♪ I'll keep loving you ♪
- Who's that? Who is that?
I'm back in the dating scene, and I'm really excited.
I've even taken some steps to amp up my game.
I feel good about the future.
Twice as good.
[soft guitar music]
♪
- You will find a better place.
- Okay. There's that positivity that I always loved,
Mrs. Sanghvi.
Uh, bruce leezard, you know, will be joining me.
[clears throat] we had a bit of a kerfuffle.
Uh, the apartment plummeted to a frigid 81 degrees.
He lashed out in a manner that befitted him as a brown belt.
Uh, he was able to, uh, spot my weak point.
Ow! Jesus, bruce leezard!
I said, "I'm gonna learn from my mistakes.
I'm gonna take care of this permanently,"
And that meant to, uh, you know, get the iguana tail permanent.
It comes right around the neck,
And I call it a "tat tail."
This little bugger's never gonna, you know, get me again.
Bruce...
You know, I know he's a lizard,
People say, "he's not gonna talk to you,"
But I--I think one of the-- one of these days
He's gonna open up those choppers
And really let me have it.
- Oh, what's up, angel? What's up, matthew?
I got new friends.
They in indie music, which means they are passionate.
They grew up upper-middle class,
And they do not make money currently.
[laughs]
- I actually have a job that I like.
- What do you do for a living?
- I have a jewelry line.
Oh, yeah, look. That's a wish bracelet. I made it.
It's a--he made a wish on it... - It's just--
- And when it falls off, his wish come true.
- Was the wish to get an actual piece of jewelry?
Ha ha. Good at bizness.
- You're one of the most beautiful women I've ever met.
- You're one of the most handsome men I've ever met.
I love your eyebrows.
I love the way it moves.
- Thank you. I love your-- your hair.
- Thank you.
It's chemically processed.