1 00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:04,702 - Do you have your charger? - Yeah. 2 00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:07,565 Oh, I hate saying good-bye. 3 00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:08,735 - Well, let's not say good-bye. 4 00:00:08,743 --> 00:00:10,713 Let's just say "I'll see you soon." 5 00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:12,511 - I love you, baby. 6 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:15,153 - And...You don't have to listen to it, 7 00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:17,549 But I made you a mixtape. - Oh, my god. 8 00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:21,791 - Nicholas james kroll, you are the sweetest. 9 00:00:23,423 --> 00:00:24,763 - Call me when you get there. 10 00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:26,489 - I'm gonna call you in two seconds. 11 00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:29,094 - College won't split us apart. 12 00:00:29,096 --> 00:00:32,356 [soft, wistful music] 13 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:37,836 ♪ 14 00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:39,908 [mashed up beeps and whirring] 15 00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:41,707 - Strap in your [bleep] seatbelt 16 00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:44,939 For the nick kroll mixtape. [air horn blows] 17 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:46,705 - Nick kroll mixtape! [gunfire] 18 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,514 Don't put on too much weight! 19 00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:49,516 Freshman 15! 20 00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:51,347 - Dj--dj-- dj nick kroll. 21 00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:54,722 - Get yourself a van gogh poster for your wall at college, 22 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:57,192 But also don't get anorexic and crazy. 23 00:00:57,191 --> 00:00:59,221 [air horn blows] san diego diet-- 24 00:00:59,859 --> 00:01:03,099 - I love you so much. 25 00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:06,267 [dubstep music] 26 00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:14,567 ♪ 27 00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:19,981 - I feel like men won. 28 00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:21,550 Like, we kind of won. 29 00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:23,949 Like, if you look at footwear, for example, 30 00:01:23,951 --> 00:01:25,481 Like, men got together and they're, like, 31 00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:27,246 "what do you guys think? Should we just wear sneakers? 32 00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:29,724 "walk around like we're on marshmallows all the time? 33 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:31,093 "is that good? What else? 34 00:01:31,092 --> 00:01:33,292 "bury our emotions in football statistics? 35 00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:36,304 Uh-huh, and gay jokes? Great, gay jokes?" 36 00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:37,697 And women were, like, "you guys, 37 00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:41,198 "for shoes, how 'bout we just, like, jam our feet 38 00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:45,102 "into tiny little canoes with chopsticks on the end? 39 00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:45,936 "and we're gonna say 40 00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:47,770 "that they're, like, super comfortable 41 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:48,805 "and say that they're for us. 42 00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:52,379 "and then we'll just, like, find, like, cobblestone streets 43 00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:53,179 To walk down." 44 00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,880 Look, I'm just trying to tell it like it is. 45 00:01:54,882 --> 00:02:00,222 Unless women do not like it, in which case I will stop, 46 00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:01,951 'cause I love the ladies. 47 00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:02,916 - I'm liz. 48 00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:06,023 I'm an amazing person with an amazing life. 49 00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:07,586 - And I'm liz. 50 00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:09,795 I'm a college graduate and I expect the best. 51 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:12,727 I'm the driven one. - And I'm trying to have a life. 52 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:17,573 Our pr firm is called publizity. 53 00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:20,541 - It's based off our names. 54 00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:21,811 It's really amazing. 55 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:25,039 Well, it's, like, funny because, like, we're very different. 56 00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:25,635 - Right. 57 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,306 - It's, like, I live to work. - Exactly. 58 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:30,045 And I just want to have an amazing life. 59 00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:31,550 Like, that's just me. I'm myself. 60 00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:33,592 - Okay, that's great. Well, you know, it's-- 61 00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:36,487 My point is it's not just people that get cancer, 62 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,260 Dogs get it too-- - oh, my god. 63 00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:40,159 I love dogs. - I love dogs. 64 00:02:40,161 --> 00:02:41,431 - And I want to raise awareness for that. 65 00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:44,258 That's what my charity is for. I hear you two are the best. 66 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,295 - Thank you. - Thank you. 67 00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:48,699 So, like, what we're gonna do is, like, a big party. 68 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:50,242 Like, a big splash. 69 00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:52,437 Oh, my god! I have an amazing idea. 70 00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:53,239 - All right. 71 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,940 - Pirate girl rum presents a rocking beach bash 72 00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:58,713 To benefit cupcakes for canine cancer. 73 00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,352 - That's cute. - It's super cute. 74 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,447 I'm gonna work hard on locking down 75 00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:04,179 Some custom cupcakes. - [gasps] 76 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:08,185 And my new rescue dog brad can totally walk the red carpet. 77 00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:10,619 I found him in the trash. - He's gross. 78 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,524 - Yes, he is. He's disgusting. 79 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,556 - I just want it to be tasteful. 80 00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:16,633 - Oh, my god, that's so cool. 81 00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,460 - That's sweet. - That's really cute. 82 00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:19,725 - That's sweet. - That's sweet. 83 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,803 Coming up next on publizity... 84 00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:22,472 I like to work hard. 85 00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:23,799 - Obviously, I know how to do my life. 86 00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:25,904 Like, I'm 20-blah years old and I know what to do, 87 00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,536 So thank you, you know what I mean? 88 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:28,571 It's, like, just go to bed. 89 00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:31,636 - Where the [bleep] is liz? 90 00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:34,375 [whining] 91 00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:37,678 - Do it. Let's do it. 92 00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:39,175 Are we ten, or are we eight? 93 00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:41,286 What are we, nine? Is it nine? 94 00:03:41,288 --> 00:03:42,488 - I think we're nine people. - Eight. 95 00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:44,659 - I think it's eight. - It's between eight and ten. 96 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,258 - You guys are cool with separate checks? 97 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:47,460 - We are--already we're out of line. 98 00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,901 - Just keep in mind, this isn't the amount of space we need. 99 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:52,097 - I don't want to sit-- I'm not gonna sit-- 100 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:53,599 - Excuse me, my chair is, like... 101 00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:54,871 - Yeah. - What's the... 102 00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:57,038 - Guys, let's get some 'chos. 103 00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,237 Let's get some 'chos, right? 104 00:03:58,239 --> 00:04:02,739 Both: ♪ sex in the city for dudes ♪ 105 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,054 - Yo, dude, rescue. You got to get a rescue. 106 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:10,377 - No, I want to buy a dog. - What? 107 00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:11,584 - Rescue. - It's a living thing. 108 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:12,775 - Yeah, firemen don't go "hey, 109 00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:14,416 I bought a kid out of a fire." 110 00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,351 - Right. - Do they? 111 00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:17,116 Is it just me? - Never, unless they're crazy. 112 00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:19,264 - No, if I'm wrong, tell me. 113 00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:23,430 All: ♪ sex in the city for dudes ♪ 114 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,560 - Jay-z. - Jay-z, yeah, exactly. 115 00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:25,595 - He's amazing-- - with kanye 116 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:26,499 As the vice president. - Yeah. 117 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,570 - He's amazing. - Yeah, kanye's vice president. 118 00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:30,299 Secretary of state? 119 00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:31,104 Drake. - Yup. 120 00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:34,005 - ♪ sex [r&b music playing] 121 00:04:34,008 --> 00:04:35,838 - Owen, are you listening to music right now? 122 00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:38,413 - Owen's got a thing where christina doesn't trust him, 123 00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:40,882 So she has to be on the phone for everything he does. 124 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,351 - I haven't had more than three beers. 125 00:04:42,349 --> 00:04:44,379 All: ♪ [slurred singing] 126 00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:45,845 - Let's do that again. We can do that better. 127 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,423 [r&b music playing] 128 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,661 - Do you think that "my wife" thing, like, saying that, 129 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:50,987 Do you think that's played out? - No, no. 130 00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,921 Not at all, dude. That's funny. 131 00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:54,226 - My wife! - [laughing] 132 00:04:54,228 --> 00:04:55,528 All: Sex in the city for dudes 133 00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:59,299 Was filmed in front of a live studio audience. 134 00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:00,430 - $20 on this one-- - whoa, whoa, whoa. 135 00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,504 Wait, wait, we're doing separate checks, right? 136 00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:03,543 - I can send you cash tomorrow. 137 00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:04,797 - I have an olive garden credit card. 138 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:09,165 - ♪ splitting up the check with eight credit cards ♪ 139 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,136 - [scatting] 140 00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:13,254 - ♪ sex in the city for dudes ♪ 141 00:05:13,247 --> 00:05:14,707 - One, two, three, four... 142 00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:17,645 - Welcome back. You know, from time to time, 143 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:19,281 We wire guys on the court just to hear 144 00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:21,716 What's going on behind the scenes. 145 00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:22,992 So check it out. 146 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,820 - Are we doing introductions? - All right. 147 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,656 - Jeff. Nice to see you. 148 00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,131 Jeff. All right? 149 00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:34,032 I like that. Here we go. 150 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:34,874 Get back on defense. 151 00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,638 [blowing whistle] that's a charge. 152 00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,697 You seen big momma's house? 153 00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:40,336 I thought that movie was funny. 154 00:05:40,341 --> 00:05:42,811 What are you guys getting up to after the game tonight? 155 00:05:42,810 --> 00:05:44,140 You know, you going to red robin? 156 00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:44,944 What are you guys gonna do? 157 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,575 Is there a list, or is this, uh, anybody can walk up? 158 00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,481 Is it one of those list-- list things? 159 00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:50,823 I'm behind you, I'm behind you, 160 00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:51,878 I'm behind you, I'm behind you. 161 00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,515 One, two, three, drinks on the coach. 162 00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:55,551 [laughing] 163 00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:57,816 You guys got plans tonight? I'm, uh... 164 00:05:57,825 --> 00:06:00,185 Probably hanging out with the players. 165 00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:02,394 It's a list-only thing club so you... 166 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:05,726 You pieces of [bleep] can't come. Let's go! 167 00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,333 44. 168 00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:09,104 That's a foul on 44. 169 00:06:09,103 --> 00:06:10,443 Look, if you guys want to hang out later, 170 00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:11,867 We can't argue like this, all right? 171 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,212 I haven't locked in plans yet, all right? 172 00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:15,368 - These guys are not your friends. 173 00:06:15,376 --> 00:06:18,776 We're not going out for drinks. 174 00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,879 - Forget about you. 175 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,851 You got plans tonight? 176 00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:23,980 - Yeah. - Yeah? 177 00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,884 No, yeah, those guys want to take me out, 178 00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,386 But I haven't locked anything in yet, so... 179 00:06:28,389 --> 00:06:30,089 Let me know. 180 00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:30,960 All right. 181 00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:31,858 I didn't have a dad. 182 00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:34,989 That's what I got in common with you black kids. 183 00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:38,095 What are you guys up to tonight? You got any plans? 184 00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:39,298 - [grunting] 185 00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:42,199 - [blowing whistle] that's a foul. 186 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:42,872 Little help. 187 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:44,970 I want one of the players to do it. 188 00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:48,512 [groaning] 189 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:49,239 [sobs] 190 00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:50,783 Stop crying, you little bitch. 191 00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:54,508 That's why dad walked out. That's why everybody leaves. 192 00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:55,175 [clearing throat] 193 00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:57,052 - You know, sometimes what you hear on the court 194 00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:58,550 Will make you straight-up sad. 195 00:06:58,552 --> 00:06:59,952 We'll be back. 196 00:07:05,525 --> 00:07:06,525 - ♪ I'll treat you right 197 00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:09,327 - So we have this, like, super-demanding client. 198 00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:11,929 He wants the best, and he wants it now. 199 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,732 And liz disappears with her dog. 200 00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:18,095 - Like, we're here for you. You have the red carpet event. 201 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,065 Like, you need to focus on what you want. 202 00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:21,773 This is about you. Like, what do you want? 203 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,605 - I mean, what are you looking for exactly? 204 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,540 - Like, I just feel like he looks 205 00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:27,976 Like his face is very frowny. - Mm-hmm. 206 00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:29,251 Yeah, we'll-- we'll take care of that. 207 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:30,919 He'll be very happy when we're done with him. 208 00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:34,318 - Dr. Armond is an amazing plastic surgeon for dogs. 209 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:36,661 - Now what we're gonna do is we're gonna make the face 210 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,487 A lot more symmetrical. - 'cause I hate 211 00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:39,962 How he looks now. - Mm-hmm. 212 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,090 - You speak to him and he listens to you, 213 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,125 And then he does the operation. 214 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,731 - We'll snip out the... 215 00:07:48,868 --> 00:07:51,698 - Oh, yeah. 216 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,405 It's like I don't want something in my home 217 00:07:53,407 --> 00:07:55,107 That's, like, ugly because-- 218 00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:57,278 - You wouldn't buy an ugly sofa. - No. 219 00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,737 And, like, you wouldn't talk to an ugly person. 220 00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:01,046 - No, I don't. I-I only hire 221 00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:03,108 Very attractive people, and my third wife 222 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:05,476 Is one of the most beautiful women that I know. 223 00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:08,386 - Congratulations. - Thank you. 224 00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,918 - No, just do it. - Hey, liz. 225 00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:12,924 - I'll call you back, just do it. What? 226 00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:14,486 - There's a problem with the cupcakes. 227 00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:17,295 - Cassie, the cupcakes are crucial. 228 00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:19,927 - I know, believe me-- - then act like you know. 229 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:20,733 Okay? - Yes. 230 00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,034 - Where is liz? I can't put on 231 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:24,565 This pirate girl rum presents a rocking beach bash 232 00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:29,441 To benefit cupcakes for canine cancer all on my own. 233 00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:31,739 - I invented this magic marker. 234 00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,005 - Good for you. - Yeah. 235 00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:35,653 It's the only one that you can use to write on dogs. 236 00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:38,519 - That's amazing. - I call it the shar-pei. 237 00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:39,779 - Does it come off? 238 00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:42,516 - I cut it off, and then I bleach it. 239 00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:43,293 - Amazing. 240 00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:45,990 - I have so much pressure right now. 241 00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:48,033 It's, like, a very competitive industry. 242 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:51,128 Inside, I'm freaking out about the cupcakes. 243 00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:52,561 - The cupcakes don't even look that good. 244 00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:54,926 - What did you just say? - I'm s... 245 00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:57,435 - What did you just say? 246 00:08:57,437 --> 00:09:01,737 Forget it, just forget it. 247 00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:05,537 - I'm so sorry. 248 00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:07,406 - Thank you. 249 00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:09,154 I'm on the san diego diet, 250 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:14,319 So I'm, like, super emotional right now. 251 00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:21,756 - Would you believe that when I was a kid, 252 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,232 I suffered from: 253 00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:31,297 - It was ridiculous. Everything had cheese on it 254 00:09:31,305 --> 00:09:32,065 Or it was fried. 255 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:35,612 - I used to eat french fries, hush puppies, 256 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:36,639 Fried catfish. 257 00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:37,543 I couldn't even wake up. 258 00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:40,784 - You don't want to shave, you don't want to bathe, 259 00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,081 You don't want to do nothing. 260 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,082 - I tried everything. 261 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,783 Diet pills, scented lotions, 262 00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:47,285 Knee braces, and even smaller shirts. 263 00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,147 But when I looked around, 264 00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:51,955 I realized that the answer was in san diego. 265 00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:52,789 [cheers and applause] 266 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:56,293 Today I'm introducing the san diego diet. 267 00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:59,456 [cheers and applause] 268 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:03,066 - ♪ san diego diet, why don't you try it? ♪ 269 00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:08,170 ♪ san diego diet, why don't you try it? ♪ 270 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:10,614 - Anyone who wants to go and eat churros 271 00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,041 For the rest of their lives, 272 00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:14,745 The exit is back there. 273 00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:17,348 For those of you who stayed, here's a little secret: 274 00:10:17,351 --> 00:10:19,351 You can eat churros in moderation! 275 00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:22,093 [cheers and applause] 276 00:10:22,922 --> 00:10:25,722 You guys ready to see some before and after shots? 277 00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:26,356 All: Yes! 278 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:27,890 Well, then, go to jenny craig! 279 00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:30,364 That's not what we're about here! 280 00:10:30,596 --> 00:10:35,326 - There is no--no--no pain, no--no restrictions. 281 00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:37,965 - My body feels like it's rocking. 282 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,741 - You're on earth. Live! 283 00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:40,840 - I feel awesome. 284 00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:43,741 - You feel like butter, and you just want to melt. 285 00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:46,414 - Do you want to know the secret to this body? 286 00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:47,753 It's the san diego diet. 287 00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:50,278 - I've never even been to san diego, 288 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:52,623 But I'll take you to san diego... 289 00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:54,249 In here! 290 00:10:56,822 --> 00:11:00,032 [triumphant music] 291 00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:02,057 ♪ 292 00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:07,902 Choose to eat life, and see what miracles unfold. 293 00:11:11,270 --> 00:11:13,300 - Get a hot pocket! Make ramen noodles! 294 00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:17,376 - Nick kroll made this tape special for you, girl. 295 00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:20,177 - If you cheat on me, I'll straight-up kill myself. 296 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:23,820 - Dj nick kroll in the mother[bleep] house. 297 00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:25,417 - We'll skype all the time. [train horn blows] 298 00:11:25,419 --> 00:11:27,389 Show me your tits over skype. 299 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:30,287 - Oh, oh, I didn't tell you guys. 300 00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:33,060 I found the best parking spot the other day. 301 00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:35,530 It was right in front of the bakery. 302 00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:36,559 Uh, it wasn't a meter. 303 00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:40,203 It was, uh, Tuesday, so it wasn't a two-hour limit. 304 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,770 So I--so I-I, like, 305 00:11:41,768 --> 00:11:42,898 I could've been in and out of there, 306 00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:45,303 But I, like, hung out there for, like, 40 minutes 307 00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:48,235 Just walking around 'cause I could've. 308 00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:52,341 [low] ♪ sex in the city for dudes ♪ 309 00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:53,605 What was the text that you sent? 310 00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:56,013 [r&b music playing] 311 00:11:58,017 --> 00:12:01,717 - Ah, don't be scared, mikey, it's just a new school. 312 00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:04,892 Just that grade 9 is different from grade 8. 313 00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:05,721 Tuck in your blouse, eh? 314 00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,386 - We're not in saskatoon anymore, mum. 315 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:08,994 People in toronto don't tuck in their blouses. 316 00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:11,955 They want to dress well here, and I want to fit in, you know? 317 00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:12,995 - Well, don't try too hard. 318 00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:16,029 I got pregnant with you when I was in grade 13. 319 00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:17,196 Peer pressure, eh? - Mum... 320 00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:19,544 Our national health plan pays for abortions, 321 00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:21,739 But first I got to get a girlfriend anyway, you know? 322 00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:24,512 - Here, take this loonie, buy yourself a bag of milk. 323 00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:27,081 - All right, love you, mum. Got to bounce. 324 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,410 - Love you, mikey. 325 00:12:35,721 --> 00:12:36,891 - Here we go. 326 00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:40,060 [uplifting music] 327 00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:46,360 ♪ 328 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:48,600 [school bell ringing] 329 00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:51,102 - Remember, kids, today is victoria day, 330 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:54,344 So be sure to drop a loonie in the queen's jar 331 00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:55,471 For good luck. 332 00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,505 - [laughing] - [speaking french] 333 00:12:57,511 --> 00:12:58,381 - Hey, what the... 334 00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:00,948 - Hey, legs, thanks for the loonie. 335 00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,947 - Pardon, I think you took my milk money. 336 00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,079 And my name is mikey. I'm new in school, 337 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,075 And I-- - shush up. 338 00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:09,846 If I call you legs, your name is legs, legs. 339 00:13:09,856 --> 00:13:11,556 - [speaking french] 340 00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:12,458 [both laughing] 341 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,159 - Pardon me, but you're being very rude. 342 00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:17,561 Ouch! My calf muscle, you bashed it! 343 00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:18,534 I hate ontario. 344 00:13:18,532 --> 00:13:20,372 I wish I was back in saskatoon. 345 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:23,167 - Pardon, do you need a pull? 346 00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:24,940 - Thanks. 347 00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:25,868 - Those guys are hosers. 348 00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:28,212 Not everyone in ontario's a big, dumb jerk. 349 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,068 - [chuckling] - my name's francesca, 350 00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:32,906 But, uh, everyone calls me tunes. 351 00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:34,753 - Oh, cool, 'cause of your boom box? 352 00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:36,678 - Ay. - My name's mikey. 353 00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:38,423 - Oh. - Yeah, you like music? 354 00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:39,578 - Mm-hmm. - Oh, cool. 355 00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:40,816 - Yeah. [both chuckling] 356 00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,791 I learned that you can't let the bullies get to you, 357 00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:44,719 You got to beat them at their own game. 358 00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:46,464 - Oh. 359 00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:48,289 Whurling, okay. 360 00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:50,195 Cool. 361 00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:51,427 Whurling. [school bell ringing] 362 00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:55,101 - Crap, I'm late for marriage equality class. 363 00:13:55,101 --> 00:13:59,141 Peace out. - Peace out, tunes. 364 00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:00,969 Whurling, eh? 365 00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:03,444 Hmm, sounds cool. 366 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,643 - And that concludes our lesson on the founder 367 00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:07,775 Of canadian electricity, sir brian. 368 00:14:07,781 --> 00:14:11,121 Oh! Oh! Look who decided to come in tardy. 369 00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:12,617 You know, don't think it's okay 370 00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,619 To just roll in here at 100 kilometers per hour 371 00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,891 Like you're joel otto of the calgary flames, okay? 372 00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:18,120 [all chuckling] 373 00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:19,194 Now I'm sure you're all obsessing 374 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,232 About who you're gonna take to the poutine dance, 375 00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:21,988 But I want your focus 376 00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,155 And I want your concentration up here now, 377 00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:26,534 'cause we have a special guest, okay? 378 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:27,733 His name is inuit andy. 379 00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:29,934 He goes to a school just like this, 380 00:14:29,936 --> 00:14:31,966 Except it's in a snow igloo. 381 00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:35,972 He's had a very hard life, so please give him your focus. 382 00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:37,336 - My name is inuit andy. 383 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:39,614 I come from the harsh lands of yellowknife, 384 00:14:39,613 --> 00:14:42,713 Where my people still live in ancient ways-- 385 00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:43,406 - Connor, connor! 386 00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:46,416 Who do you think you are, prime minister stephen harper? 387 00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:47,789 You're a fisherman? 388 00:14:47,787 --> 00:14:48,717 - Yes. - Talk--talk about that. 389 00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:52,392 - We still fish using spears and harpoons. 390 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:55,562 We take giant sticks that we find in the forest 391 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,632 To bash seals for food. 392 00:14:57,631 --> 00:14:58,831 - I think you're bumming everyone out. 393 00:14:58,832 --> 00:15:01,202 [school bell ringing] - whoa. 394 00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:03,431 Sweet whurling broom, eh? 395 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,436 - Nice legs. - Hey. 396 00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,738 Who are you? - I'm baguiati. 397 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:11,981 - Oh, I'm mikey, nice to meet-- 398 00:15:11,978 --> 00:15:15,078 [somber music] 399 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,781 ♪ 400 00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:20,084 - Raise your hand if you're on the paleo diet. 401 00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:21,446 Doing the caveman thing? Yeah, cool. 402 00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:23,024 - I'm gonna be honest with you guys, 403 00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:23,763 This san diego diet thing 404 00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:25,717 Is doing [bleep] great, my friends. 405 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:26,855 - You look great. - Thanks, guys. 406 00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:28,190 - Check this out, check this out. 407 00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:30,264 My wife! [all laughing] 408 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:33,263 - ♪ the best is yet to come ♪ 409 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,296 - ♪ I'll treat you right 410 00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:39,402 - Liz is not cut out for this business. 411 00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:40,836 I am, like, being chill, 412 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,640 And liz is being, like, not cool. 413 00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:44,683 - Hey, tootsies. 414 00:15:44,678 --> 00:15:46,238 Oh, my goo-goo. 415 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:48,406 My dog is gonna look amazing for the event. 416 00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:50,415 - Well, I am not feeling amazing right now. 417 00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,747 - Like, talk to me. Like, I left you here, 418 00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:55,722 And now you're, like, spinning out of control. 419 00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:56,792 - I'm not spinning out of control. 420 00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:59,090 You're freaking me out because you're not responsible. 421 00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:01,132 - Liz, get out of my face. Like, I want this to be fun. 422 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:02,327 Like, I want to have a good time. 423 00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,199 Like, you're riding me so hard right now. 424 00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:05,227 - P.S., by the way, 425 00:16:05,231 --> 00:16:06,731 It's, like, ridiculous that you'd ever want to 426 00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:07,973 Say something like that to me right now. 427 00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,638 - Don't call me ridiculous. You know that's my pet peeve. 428 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,467 Like, my dad always called me ridiculous, 429 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:13,842 And I always-- - you look ridiculous right now. 430 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,980 - Stop it, liz. You know that I, like... 431 00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:18,007 [high-pitched wailing] 432 00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:20,411 - Why are you even doing this? Because, like, I-- 433 00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:22,353 - [high-pitched wailing] and it's not fair. 434 00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:24,979 - It's just, like--it's, like, I don't even know 435 00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:27,185 If we're gonna make it out of this. 436 00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:32,558 Later on publizity... 437 00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,559 [gasping] 438 00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:44,738 - Whoa, what was that about? 439 00:16:44,738 --> 00:16:47,538 - I like to kiss before my cannabis cigarette. 440 00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:48,540 - But I'm only age 15. 441 00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,611 I don't have my smoker's permit yet. 442 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:51,940 I got to go. 443 00:16:51,945 --> 00:16:54,605 Pardon. 444 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:55,414 Pardon. 445 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:58,245 It was a pleasure to meet you. - [scoffs] 446 00:16:58,251 --> 00:16:59,581 [school bell ringing] 447 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:02,746 - All right, ding-dongs, welcome to whurling tryouts. 448 00:17:02,756 --> 00:17:04,916 Last year, we won all-province. 449 00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:08,594 Oh! Oh! Look who decided to show up tardy 450 00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:09,355 Twice in one day. 451 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,902 - I'm here to try out. - [laughing] 452 00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:13,798 - Where's your wheels? - Yeah. 453 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,570 Where are your wheels, legs? 454 00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,698 - Oh, I'm a sweeper. 455 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:18,904 - Oh, you're a big sweeper, eh? 456 00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:20,765 Oh, where's your broom? 457 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,371 [both snickering] 458 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,076 - Pardon. Mikey... 459 00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:28,448 You left this in the supply closet. 460 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:30,448 - Thanks, tunes, you're a good friend. 461 00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:32,220 - Yeah, friends. 462 00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:35,148 - All right, looks like we're ready to go. 463 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:37,055 - Coach teacher, you can't be serious. 464 00:17:37,057 --> 00:17:39,857 You're going to let some able play on our team? 465 00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:41,159 - Hey! There's nothing in the rulebook 466 00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:43,031 That says we can't let ables try out. 467 00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:44,999 - You're a sweeper, eh? 468 00:17:44,998 --> 00:17:46,458 I'm going to sweep your legs 469 00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:49,126 Like I did in the hallway. 470 00:17:49,135 --> 00:17:51,935 - Go for it. - Let's go! 471 00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:53,768 Come on, connor! 472 00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:55,813 You brush, connor, come on! 473 00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:57,279 Sweep it up! 474 00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,407 Let's move, let's go! 475 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,412 Let's go! 476 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,553 Shuffle! 477 00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:03,108 All right, shuffle! 478 00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:05,116 - Just a little further. 479 00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:07,518 If I just do it right here perfectly... 480 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,090 Yeah! 481 00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:09,048 [cheers and applause] yeah! 482 00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:11,255 - All right, connor. Good, good for three. 483 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,257 Good for three. Let's go! 484 00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:15,388 Good job, mikey. - Thanks, coach. 485 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,355 - Come on, come on, mikey. 486 00:18:17,363 --> 00:18:20,063 Get that sweep going, mikey. Good job. 487 00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:23,396 What, are you making slush? Come on! 488 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:24,373 [blowing whistle] 489 00:18:24,370 --> 00:18:26,240 - Ugh! - Yeah! 490 00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:27,609 - That's good for green! 491 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:28,907 Hey, tunes, looking good. 492 00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:31,278 We still on for pasta after tryouts? 493 00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:33,177 - Oh, yeah, okay. - Okay, good. 494 00:18:33,179 --> 00:18:34,809 Great, keep sweeping. 495 00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:36,054 Great work, connor. 496 00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:38,449 Good for green. - All right! 497 00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,381 Out of sight! Yeah! 498 00:18:40,386 --> 00:18:42,916 - That's what I'm talking about! 499 00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,922 All right, gentlemen, this is 2012 spring whurling. 500 00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,325 Say hello to your captain, mikey. 501 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:50,157 If you're not on this list, come see me in the cafetorium, 502 00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:52,533 We'll talk about it. 503 00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:53,932 - This is outrageous! 504 00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:58,103 - Well, well, well, I guess I showed them. 505 00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,474 [chuckling] 506 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,372 What? 507 00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:01,013 "dodo bird"? 508 00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:04,437 I guess things could be worse, you know? 509 00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:05,544 - Yeah. 510 00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:07,805 I'm pregnant. 511 00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:08,954 - [exhaling] 512 00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:10,408 - Well, at least our national health system 513 00:19:10,416 --> 00:19:14,216 Covers abortion, unlike the states, you know? 514 00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:19,920 - ♪ I'll treat you right 515 00:19:19,926 --> 00:19:22,526 - So tonight is our huge charity event. 516 00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:24,829 We still have a bunch of balls up in the air, 517 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,531 And I am freaking out. 518 00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:29,233 Stop taking pictures. There's still work to be done. 519 00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:31,565 - I'm trying to have fun. - It's not fun 520 00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:32,771 When you're being a bitch. 521 00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:35,712 - That's what you think. Like--hi, how are you? 522 00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,678 - Hi, nice to meet you. - Thank you. 523 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:38,977 - Sorry my hands are so cold. 524 00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:42,148 So far, the party's been, like, a really big success. 525 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:45,118 But underneath, I'm freaking out about the cupcakes. 526 00:19:45,118 --> 00:19:46,548 - Oh, how are you? - God! 527 00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:49,323 It's our prince charming. - Our prince. 528 00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:51,322 - Like, this client knows what he wants, he wants it now, 529 00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:52,924 He wants it when he wants it, and we have to give it to him, 530 00:19:52,926 --> 00:19:55,756 Otherwise nobody will want anything from us ever again. 531 00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:58,062 - Liz? Both: What? 532 00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:01,074 - The cupcakes are here. 533 00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:03,197 - Bring them out. - Oh, the cupcakes. 534 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,073 - [gasping] 535 00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:09,811 The cupcakes look amazing. 536 00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:12,139 Those cupcakes look amazing. 537 00:20:12,145 --> 00:20:13,705 - They're wearing little bikinis. 538 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,013 - They're ready for the pool. 539 00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:17,775 - This is not what I envisioned. 540 00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:18,654 - I'm all about work, 541 00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:20,421 And the work we put into these cupcakes 542 00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:22,520 Are really paying off in an amazing way. 543 00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,492 - These cupcakes are having a party. 544 00:20:24,490 --> 00:20:25,190 [barking] brad! 545 00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:29,261 Brad is so confident. He's like a completely new dog. 546 00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:31,202 Like, no one would ever know. 547 00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:32,127 - When push comes to shove, 548 00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:34,231 I wouldn't trust my dog's plastic surgery 549 00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:35,974 With anybody but dr. Armond. 550 00:20:35,969 --> 00:20:39,739 - Brad, you look absolutely gorgeous. 551 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,739 - The event cost $20,000, 552 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,681 And it brought in $4,000, 553 00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:45,637 And I feel foolish. 554 00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:48,505 - To see those cupcakes and brad come together 555 00:20:48,514 --> 00:20:50,414 In such an amazing way makes me realize 556 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:53,146 How important your friendship is to me, 557 00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:54,822 And I love you so much. 558 00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:56,191 - I love you too, liz. 559 00:20:56,189 --> 00:20:58,719 - I would say we are bff. 560 00:20:58,725 --> 00:21:02,385 - ♪ I'll treat you [explosion] 561 00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:05,055 - Ha ha. Good at bizness. 562 00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:09,132 - But you don't have much spare time, do you? 563 00:21:09,135 --> 00:21:09,825 - No. 564 00:21:09,836 --> 00:21:11,736 - 'cause you're trying to survive. 565 00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:13,768 You don't have much spare time. 566 00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:14,343 - No. 567 00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:17,140 We don't have a lot of spare time 568 00:21:17,143 --> 00:21:19,283 Because we need to survive. 569 00:21:19,279 --> 00:21:22,109 - Do you have a spear? Talk about your spear.