1 00:00:04,170 --> 00:00:10,175 - He just seems really distant, and he's always on the phone 2 00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:11,744 With someone or making plans. 3 00:00:11,746 --> 00:00:16,348 He changed his email password, which seems really suspicious. 4 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:20,753 I called bobby, and I asked him to help me out. 5 00:00:20,755 --> 00:00:23,722 - I'm robert bruscha, aka bobby bottleservice, 6 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:26,325 Aka bobby bottleservice. 7 00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:28,394 I will make sure that you are protected, 8 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:29,661 Whatever happens here, okay? 9 00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:32,698 I treat women with respect, because, no disrespect, 10 00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:36,035 There's nothing more beautiful than a woman in need. 11 00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:38,137 Because my mother raised me right. 12 00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:42,341 And when my father cheated-- 13 00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:46,478 When my father cheat-- 14 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:49,181 I replayed it in my head over and over. 15 00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,750 [muttering angrily] 16 00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:54,553 - Thank you. - Okay. 17 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:57,056 - Okay. - God, you smell amazing. 18 00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:58,257 - Thanks, bobby. 19 00:00:58,259 --> 00:00:59,925 - Did you eat an orange before this? 20 00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:01,593 - I just to find out what's going on. 21 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:05,330 I mean, I've been getting sick over it because I-- 22 00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:06,899 - Okay, shut up. I just got a text message. 23 00:01:06,901 --> 00:01:09,768 It's from peter paparazzo. The deal's going down. 24 00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:12,638 What's up, business associate? - Yo, bro, check it. 25 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:14,907 Cheater, cheater, cheater, all over the place. 26 00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:17,076 - It's time to bust some skulls, 'kay. 27 00:01:17,078 --> 00:01:17,676 - Let's kill it. 28 00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,546 - Yeah, bro. Okay, what's going on here now? 29 00:01:20,548 --> 00:01:22,648 Are you cheatin'? - No, it's a business colleague. 30 00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:25,184 - Word up, dude. Nice. - Good stuff, bro. 31 00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:27,886 - I'm lost. - You're on the show cheatin'. 32 00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:28,854 - You're cheating. - Yeah. 33 00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:30,456 - Nice job. - So it's a good thing? 34 00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,391 - Yeah, bro. - Everybody does this, man. 35 00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:34,460 Jfk, newt gingrich, shaggy. 36 00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:36,195 - Everybody. - That's smart. 37 00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:38,797 - Maybe we'll do some shots to bring home. 38 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:39,698 Prom pictures. - Yeah. 39 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,366 - All right, how about some pictures? 40 00:01:41,368 --> 00:01:42,868 - Say "lance armstrong." 41 00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:44,736 - Lance armstrong. - Yeah. 42 00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,271 - Say hi to your wife. - Hi, honey. 43 00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:49,007 - Does anyone have an extra jacket or anything? 44 00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:50,976 It's kind of cold out here. 45 00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:54,379 - I got to break it down, bro. How do you do it? 46 00:01:54,381 --> 00:01:55,247 What's the secret? 47 00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:57,950 - I appreciate you asking because most people don't 48 00:01:57,952 --> 00:01:59,785 Respect it quite as much as you do. 49 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:02,521 The leg work is exhausting. - Yeah. 50 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:05,224 - I have two names...Legally. - Really? 51 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:06,725 What do you go by? Steve and tim. 52 00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,827 - Steve and tim. I alternate. - Okay. 53 00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:09,661 Do you buy her nice stuff, 54 00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,663 Or are you just, like, "flip over, weirdo?" 55 00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:14,266 - I've never said, "flip over, weirdo," to anyone. 56 00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:16,301 - Sure. Now, do you have children 57 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:17,836 That would make this more terrible? 58 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,238 - Not that I acknowledge. 59 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:20,205 - Ooh. - Wow. Oh. 60 00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:21,573 - Who is this bitch, huh? 61 00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:23,876 Is this the bitch that you're cheating on me with? 62 00:02:23,878 --> 00:02:26,745 - No, this is my girlfriend who I'm with. 63 00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:27,980 Right, sweetie? - What? 64 00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:29,314 What are you talking about? - No, let me explain. 65 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:30,682 - You don't speak. - Let me explain. 66 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:31,917 - You don't speak. - Let me explain. 67 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,419 - Stop talking. You don't speak either. 68 00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:36,855 You...Speak. 69 00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:40,359 - She's very much identified the weak link here. 70 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:44,096 - I'm gay. 71 00:02:44,098 --> 00:02:47,399 - Let's sit down. Let's talk about this, okay? 72 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,500 - They're together. 73 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,434 - No. - Are you vicky, huh? 74 00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:51,069 - Let me explain what's occurred here. 75 00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:53,672 This guy didn't do anything wrong, okay? 76 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:57,476 I'm dating vicky, very much seriously. 77 00:02:57,478 --> 00:03:00,445 But I also have another lady, okay? 78 00:03:00,447 --> 00:03:05,250 I'm the cheater. Tim here, aka steve-- 79 00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:05,784 - I go by both. 80 00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:09,254 - This guy's a goddamn chivalrous friend of mine 81 00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:13,292 Who stepped up to the plate when I needed him most so that I can 82 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:16,562 Have unprotected sex with this foreign person. 83 00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,163 Let's go outside and do oral, 84 00:03:18,165 --> 00:03:19,965 And I'll feel very much guilty about it. 85 00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:21,667 - Yes, baby, let's go. - Okay. 86 00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:25,771 - Come on. Let's go. 87 00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:27,306 - That explains that. 88 00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:30,709 [dubstep music] 89 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,822 - You live on a boat in san francisco--is that true? 90 00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:46,158 - No, I like to sit on the boat. I-- 91 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:47,593 - Do you go--do you take the boat out, 92 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,094 Or you just, like, sit on it at the dock? 93 00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:50,229 - I used to take it out. - Uh-huh. 94 00:03:50,231 --> 00:03:53,565 - And then my lack of boating knowledge overtook me. 95 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:54,600 - Okay. [laughs] 96 00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:57,202 - [laughs] and I-- - do you ever get lost at sea? 97 00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:57,970 - I didn't get lost, 98 00:03:57,972 --> 00:04:00,005 But I've crashed the boat more than once... 99 00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:02,207 - Really? - And it's discouraging to-- 100 00:04:02,209 --> 00:04:03,342 - How do you crash a boat? 101 00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:06,945 - I'm not a good-- I'm not a captain. 102 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:09,281 I'm not a good captain of a ship. 103 00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:19,791 - In the pit of my tar-black guts. 104 00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:22,494 - Little look into the broken mind of inuit andy again. 105 00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:23,362 Feel like my cat just died. 106 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:24,863 Okay, tunes, you ready to read aloud? 107 00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:28,100 - Tunes, don't freak. You're fantastic at the arts. 108 00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:30,502 - Thanks, mikey. 109 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:32,738 [wheelchair hums] 110 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:37,309 This poem is about our national park, banff, 111 00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:40,445 And fire safety. [clears throat] 112 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:46,218 "banff is on fire. Conditions are dire. 113 00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:50,922 "heavy, black smoke, too much for fire fighters. 114 00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:53,058 "you ever heard of alberta? 115 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:57,796 "well, the fire is mur-dah to the national park, 116 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,598 "and its flora and fauna. 117 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:03,502 "I'm a banff mother hoser, born and raised. 118 00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:07,239 "I'm a banff mother hoser. Stop the blaze. 119 00:05:07,241 --> 00:05:10,409 Fire prevention!" [applause] 120 00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,144 - Whoa, well, all right. 121 00:05:12,146 --> 00:05:15,714 Who knew we had a young drake on our hands. 122 00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:16,615 Okay, that was great, 123 00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,483 With a positive message about our forests. 124 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:22,087 - Mackerel, tunes. That poem was blazing hip hop. 125 00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,655 You could be a real rapper. 126 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:27,025 - Thanks, mikey. Word. 127 00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:30,262 [school bell rings] - [whistling] 128 00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:31,663 - Hey, legs, let's chat. 129 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:34,032 - Yeah, we need you for our grade-13 prank. 130 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:37,202 - A prank? But it's not mean-spirited, is it? 131 00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:38,170 - Nothing too radical. 132 00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:39,271 - We're going to fill up 133 00:05:39,273 --> 00:05:42,407 Coach teacher's office with pasta. 134 00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:42,908 [laughter] 135 00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:43,942 - Pardon, I don't think I follow. 136 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:45,711 - We just need to fill up your auto with pasta, 137 00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:47,679 Then put it in coach teacher's office. 138 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:51,249 - [laughs] hmm, I have to think about it. 139 00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:53,118 - Don't be such a hen, eh, wheels? 140 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,921 - Okay, fair enough. 141 00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,022 [school bell rings] 142 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:59,825 - Hey, tunes, I know you're a first-rate rapper now, 143 00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:00,992 But where are we going? 144 00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,294 - Right there. 145 00:06:02,296 --> 00:06:05,163 - It seems like a bit of a dangerous neighborhood, no? 146 00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:07,232 - I'll be fine. I'm a real rapper now. 147 00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:10,102 - Yeah, I just feel like there's some rotten pears maybe. 148 00:06:10,104 --> 00:06:11,536 - If you're going to be such a hen about it, 149 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,004 You don't have to come in. 150 00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:14,740 - I'm not being hen about it. 151 00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:16,007 I just care about your safety. 152 00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:18,377 - Don't worry about it. I'll be fine. 153 00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:20,879 - Fine, then. Why don't you just get out? 154 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,414 - I need my chair, mikey. 155 00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:25,717 - Oh, sorry. I forgot about your disability. 156 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,453 [door-ajar alert beeper beeping] 157 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:32,457 Please don't rob us. 158 00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:35,293 [school bell rings] - okay, 10:00 poems. 159 00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:37,562 We got victoria. 160 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:38,663 All right. Please say "hither." 161 00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:41,166 We got garrett. Guys, please say "hither" 162 00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:43,535 When I call your name. Tunes? 163 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:46,238 Tunes? 164 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,640 Tunes? 165 00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:51,209 Mikey, any idea where tunes might be. 166 00:06:51,211 --> 00:06:53,145 - She's never missed poems class. 167 00:06:53,147 --> 00:06:54,679 I'm freaking out. 168 00:06:54,681 --> 00:06:56,014 Maybe she's with your baby? 169 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:59,184 - Don't talk about that. Okay, everybody, 170 00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:02,120 Robert frost is a sham. 171 00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:06,324 - Coming up later tonight, the stars of wheels, ontario, 172 00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:08,660 Help choose the winners on the season finale 173 00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:11,596 Of show us your songs, toronto. 174 00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,698 - [singing indistinctly] 175 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:17,169 - You remind me of my dead son. 176 00:07:17,171 --> 00:07:18,069 - Ooh. 177 00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:20,172 - Not much of a gag reflex on her. 178 00:07:20,174 --> 00:07:21,940 - I guess my only note would be for next time 179 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,743 Is for my security detail to hold me down while you, 180 00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:26,111 You know, punch me in the face 181 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:29,080 And maybe shove a roll of loonies into my exit. 182 00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:31,817 - We'll see you at the end of the show, we'll figure it out. 183 00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:34,519 - Ladies and gentlemen, my mother. 184 00:07:34,521 --> 00:07:36,755 - Hi. - Appropriate that you're here 185 00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:38,723 For bobby bottleservice day, 186 00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:40,692 Since he loves his mother so much. 187 00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:42,928 - I like bob--I grew up with a bunch of bobbys. 188 00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:45,163 - Uh-huh. - So it makes me feel like 189 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,466 I'm connecting with a part of my life. 190 00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:49,668 - Did you grow up with bobbys? - Yeah. 191 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,870 - Is dad going to be mad? - No. 192 00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:54,005 - When I talk to dad about the show, dad will go like, 193 00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:57,909 "so is everybody just flipping for dr. Armond?" 194 00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,244 [laughter] 195 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:00,212 - I was charged with murder... 196 00:08:00,214 --> 00:08:03,181 - Where were you when you first discovered your wife's body? 197 00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,416 - But got off on a technicality. 198 00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:07,319 - She wearing evidence? - No. 199 00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:11,490 - I gained my freedom, but I lost everything else, 200 00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:13,492 Except, of course, my family name. 201 00:08:13,494 --> 00:08:16,895 Now, I'm serving the worst sentence of all... 202 00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:17,729 - [screaming] 203 00:08:17,731 --> 00:08:22,801 - Moving back in with my father. 204 00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:26,271 This is house of armond. 205 00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,640 [insane laughter] 206 00:08:32,478 --> 00:08:34,713 - Papa, have you seen my e-reader? 207 00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:38,216 - I have not, my piglet. 208 00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:39,284 - You're so old. 209 00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:42,187 All you do is work with dead animals. 210 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,088 It's creepy. 211 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:47,926 My father's a taxidermist, and I'm an animal plastic surgeon. 212 00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,495 Could we be any more different? 213 00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:53,198 - See, look, look-- look at this guy. 214 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,833 See? 215 00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:56,801 I brought him back to life. 216 00:08:56,803 --> 00:08:59,371 - Are those eyes permanent? [maniacal laughter] 217 00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:01,573 - No, no, I just-- 218 00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:03,909 I just stuck those on there 219 00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:07,012 So I'd have something to refer to. 220 00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:10,115 - Ugh, this is so unfair. 221 00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:13,318 I can't believe I'm back in this house of horrors. 222 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,053 [eerie music] 223 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:19,257 - I love you even if you are a murderer. 224 00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:20,926 - Well, I'm not a murderer, papa! 225 00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:23,762 Why does everyone have to keep bringing up my wife's murder? 226 00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:27,632 Let's just let sleeping dogs lie. 227 00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:29,634 - How's the man of the moment? 228 00:09:29,636 --> 00:09:31,903 - I'm grumpy, papa. I want to be left alone. 229 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,806 - Well, in that case, why don't we have a party? 230 00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:37,776 - Nobody wants to see me. They all think I'm a murderer. 231 00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:40,412 - Invite your good friend kelsey grammer over. 232 00:09:40,414 --> 00:09:41,780 I could make some bagel bites. 233 00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:45,283 - Can you just leave my room, please. 234 00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,619 - Don't be such a baby. 235 00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:51,623 - Detective smart? What are you doing here? 236 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:55,026 - You and me have to talk. 237 00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:59,030 [dramatic music] 238 00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:00,565 - [scream] 239 00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:08,139 [school bell rings] - where is he? 240 00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:11,476 - Hey, garrett, can I bum a clove? 241 00:10:13,245 --> 00:10:14,045 - [laughs] 242 00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,880 - Who's a hen now, cam? 243 00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:18,016 - Wheels, you made it. 244 00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,851 - Yeah, question is, how are we going to get 245 00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:22,253 All this pasta into coach teacher's office? 246 00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:24,155 - [speaks inaudibly] pardon? 247 00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,257 - The prank's on you. [laughs] 248 00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:27,058 - Wait. 249 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,693 - We never intended to prank coach teacher. 250 00:10:28,695 --> 00:10:30,996 Just an excuse to fill up your auto with pasta, 251 00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:33,465 And you're such a flapjack, you did it for us. 252 00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:36,201 - I knew it. This prank was mean-spirited. 253 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:37,302 You three aren't my pals at all. 254 00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,304 - We'll help you remove all the pasta from your auto. 255 00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:42,841 Promise, but first, may I take a photo for the annual? 256 00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:43,875 - Hush up. No. - Hold on. 257 00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:45,577 - No way. - Say pasta. 258 00:10:45,579 --> 00:10:46,378 - Stop it. - Please. 259 00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:48,413 - Put that mobile down. No more photos. 260 00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:51,149 - Hold up. - Fine. One photo. 261 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:54,486 Ah, no way. - Yeah. Got it! 262 00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:57,122 - Tunes, you would never do this to me. 263 00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:59,824 Where in the queen's name are you? 264 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:00,859 - Got it. [laughter] 265 00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:03,828 - Oh, there he goes. [laughter] 266 00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:07,165 [rap music in background] 267 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:10,368 ♪ 268 00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:14,172 - Fantastic, I've messed the street with pasta! 269 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,075 Pardon, I was wondering if you'd seen my friend-- 270 00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:19,110 - What'd you say? - A gun! 271 00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:22,847 I feel like I've crossed the river into detroit's 8 mile. 272 00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,817 - Keep it down, you hosers. 273 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:26,284 - Tunes. 274 00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:29,387 - Yo, tunes, you know this cadbury cream cup? 275 00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:31,256 - I don't know. I think so. 276 00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:34,859 - What have you done with her? Have you been giving her drugs? 277 00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:37,629 - [laughing] 278 00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:42,467 - Tunes, it's me, mikey. Don't you remember? 279 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:48,673 - Oh, okay, yeah, mikey, take a hit. 280 00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:53,311 - ♪ and I was your best friend ♪ 281 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,213 ♪ 282 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:59,984 ♪ and you were mine 283 00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:02,687 - [grunts] 284 00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:06,858 - Pardon, officer... [horse neighs] 285 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:09,494 But my friend tunes had a bad drug trip 286 00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:11,996 And needs to go to the hospital. 287 00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:16,434 [groans] and so do I. 288 00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,870 [horse snorts] 289 00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:29,547 - All physicians, please report to the infirmatory. 290 00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:32,884 - Oh, god, mikey, I got here as fast as I could. 291 00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:35,220 - It's just a gun wound, mom. 292 00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:38,256 - Oh, "just a gun wound." oh, okay. 293 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:41,559 Why don't you take that to the "just for laughs" festival 294 00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:43,962 In montreal. - [laughs] 295 00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,397 - What a gorgeous room. - It's true. And to think, 296 00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:49,367 It didn't even cost us a loonie. [laughs] 297 00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:53,538 - My beautiful boy. [cries] 298 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:56,074 Who did this to you? 299 00:12:56,076 --> 00:12:58,409 Who did this to my boy? 300 00:12:58,411 --> 00:12:59,778 - It was tunes. 301 00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:03,248 - Tunes? From school? 302 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:06,417 Oh, that's it. We're going back to saskatoon. 303 00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:09,888 That school is a gal-dern carburetor. 304 00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:13,124 - I'll be strong for you, mom. [groans] 305 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:16,561 - Don't strain yourself. - Okay. 306 00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:19,197 - [sighs] here. 307 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:20,632 Brought you some lacrosse tapes. 308 00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:23,001 - Ooh, my lacrosse tapes! 309 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:23,902 And some buttered tarts? 310 00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,870 Thank goodness. I'm totally nangered. 311 00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:26,638 I haven't eaten a thing, 312 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,307 Although, I'm sure the food here is de-lee-cious. 313 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,442 - Oh, absolutely. 314 00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:33,978 [school bell rings] 315 00:13:35,214 --> 00:13:38,650 Oh, mikey, I know it's a new school, 316 00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:39,918 But you're a brave guy. 317 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,586 - So you don't think I'm a hen? 318 00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,154 - A hen? Are you joshing me? 319 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:46,424 Mikey, you're the coolest canuck since pam anderson. 320 00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:48,092 - At least my mom thinks I'm cool. 321 00:13:48,094 --> 00:13:51,262 - [laughs] you're better than cool. 322 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:54,132 - Thanks, mom. 323 00:13:56,735 --> 00:13:59,838 Hey. Hey. 324 00:14:05,144 --> 00:14:09,347 - Oh, hey, nice wheels. 325 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:12,517 - Here we go. Whoa! 326 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,486 - ♪ relieve this experience 327 00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:18,623 [funky music] 328 00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,091 ♪ 329 00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:21,693 - You know him as mikey from wheels, ontario. 330 00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:24,662 It's bryan la croix. - Pardon. 331 00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:27,165 - French-canadian contortionist, julie francois. 332 00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:27,765 - Bonjour. 333 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,500 - And from two generations of wheels, ontario, 334 00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:33,104 It's gene creemers. - Show us your songs, toronto. 335 00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:36,307 Well, here we are, and you know the rules to the show. 336 00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:37,575 Everyone wins. 337 00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:41,613 - So I understand america is building a bit of a fence there 338 00:14:41,615 --> 00:14:42,714 Up against mexico. 339 00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:46,117 Strikes me they should also be building a fence against us 340 00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:51,089 As it would equally serve as our fence against them. 341 00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:52,490 [laughter] 342 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:55,727 The canadian national anthem is o canada. 343 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:58,730 The american national anthem is "oh, I forgot, 344 00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:01,266 Because I burnt my brain with drugs." 345 00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:02,133 - Yes, he did! 346 00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:02,901 - Thank you for your time. 347 00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,836 You've been fair. - Really funny. 348 00:15:04,838 --> 00:15:06,537 I really love how edgy your stuff is. 349 00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:08,973 - Whoa, [laughs] what was the one about the-- 350 00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:12,310 What was the one about the... The fence? 351 00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:15,580 Building a fence on the canada border because-- 352 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:16,648 [laughs] 353 00:15:16,650 --> 00:15:17,615 - I do apologize. 354 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:18,750 - You're the best comedian in canada. 355 00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:22,053 I can't wait to see you win this competition, god damn it. 356 00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:22,854 - Thank you. 357 00:15:22,856 --> 00:15:25,490 - My song is the song of our people. 358 00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:27,025 We were once young, 359 00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:30,461 And then hudson's bay company came and took all the furs. 360 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:33,965 And so it's the pain of the canadian people. 361 00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:36,000 One, two, three, four. 362 00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:37,835 [generic electronic beat with simple effects] 363 00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:39,337 Yeah, turn that bad boy up a little bit more. 364 00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:42,907 Louder, faster, yeah. Ooh, that's better. 365 00:15:42,909 --> 00:15:43,741 [beat stops] 366 00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:45,009 Uh-- [triangle dings] 367 00:15:45,011 --> 00:15:47,845 - Pardon, sorry, but was that the song? 368 00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:50,448 - One, two, three, four. [beat resumes] 369 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:54,185 Little fast. This is murray, my sober coach. 370 00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:55,853 - Pardon, but is the song of canada 371 00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:57,689 Just a drum beat on a casio keyboard? 372 00:15:57,691 --> 00:16:00,191 - Okay, well, you're a bitch, just like my ex-wife, 373 00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:01,626 So let's [bleep] do it then. 374 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,194 I hate to [bleep] swear. I'm not going to swear, 375 00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:08,333 But this crap--is that better? Is no [bleep] good. 376 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:10,735 [beat resumes] is that-- 377 00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,270 Is that [bleep] tastier for you? 378 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:15,573 - Thanks so much. You move on to the next round. 379 00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:18,743 - My songs are going to be magic. 380 00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:20,478 - I've loved magic since I was a boy. 381 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,647 - And I will need a volunteer to pick a card. 382 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,248 - Uh-oh, looks like we got one here. 383 00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:25,383 - Yeah. So please-- 384 00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:26,084 This is a deck of cards, 385 00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,386 And you can see that all the cards are different. 386 00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:30,621 Take any card out of the deck. - Any one? 387 00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:31,489 - Any one you'd like. 388 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,358 - Maybe do a little bit of contortion. 389 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,127 - Well, I just need you to pick a card. 390 00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:38,363 [applause] okay... 391 00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:39,731 It's kind of mesh on your-- 392 00:16:39,733 --> 00:16:40,598 - It's difficult because-- 393 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,301 - Yeah, it might be easier to just take with your hands. 394 00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:44,402 Okay, don't show me. 395 00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:46,170 - Okay, I didn't show you what I have. 396 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,439 - Oh. - Can you show us? 397 00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,508 - Okay, you see what the card is? 398 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:51,342 - You got that card, toronto? 399 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:55,179 - Okay, here we go. Tell me when to stop shuffling. 400 00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:58,483 - Stop. - Right here? 401 00:16:58,485 --> 00:16:59,550 What was your card? 402 00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,419 - It was the king of diamonds. 403 00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:03,388 - That's it. Crackers! 404 00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:04,188 Oh, good god. 405 00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:05,656 - No way! - Oh, god. 406 00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:07,892 - How did you do that? You're amazing. 407 00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:10,261 - Thank you. - All right. 408 00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:11,262 - Next time, if I use you again, 409 00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:13,498 You don't have to do that, 'cause that kind of upstages me. 410 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,400 You can take a card with your hands next time. 411 00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:16,467 - Okay. - Thank you. 412 00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,970 - Okay, toronto, we've come to the end of the show. 413 00:17:18,972 --> 00:17:20,271 It's time for you to vote, eh? 414 00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:22,040 For jon lajoie, text one-one. 415 00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:25,610 For the unfinished canadian song of doug gary, text one-one. 416 00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:27,945 For the hilarious comedy of graham the comedian, 417 00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:29,113 You're gonna text one-one. 418 00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:31,582 For the crazy things of amy amnesia, 419 00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:32,483 You text one-one,. 420 00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,752 And then for the magic of "magic" nathan, 421 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:35,486 You gotta text one-one. 422 00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:38,022 - Everybody on show us your songs, toronto, is a winner. 423 00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:39,791 And the votes will prove that shortly. 424 00:17:39,793 --> 00:17:40,992 - Oops, here we go. Here we go. 425 00:17:40,994 --> 00:17:42,093 Okay, all right, here we go. 426 00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:43,428 We got a winner here. 427 00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:45,863 And...Everyone's a winner. 428 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:51,803 - You ever murdered anybody? 429 00:17:51,805 --> 00:17:56,007 - I have not murdered anyone. Sorry. 430 00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:58,042 I guess I should-- you should never apologize 431 00:17:58,044 --> 00:17:59,577 For not killing someone. 432 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:00,378 But do you have a follow-up 433 00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:01,979 On your "have I ever murdered someone" question? 434 00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:05,249 - Would you murder someone, given the right circumstances? 435 00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:07,318 - Yes, definitely given the right circumstances. 436 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,986 - What would be the right circumstances 437 00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:11,756 For something like that? 438 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,858 - I guess if someone, like, came at me with a knife, 439 00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:16,961 And I would probably, like, quickly move out of the way, 440 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,196 Then, like, twist their neck. 441 00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:19,764 And then if they died from that-- 442 00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,766 - You would--your move would be a neck twist? 443 00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:22,934 - Yeah, I mean, that's the-- 444 00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:25,403 That's the only one I've practiced. 445 00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:32,076 - So did you want to talk, detective, 446 00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:35,079 Or are you just gonna rock? 447 00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:37,682 - I came here to make you an offer. 448 00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,317 - I'm all ears. 449 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:40,418 [ears boing] 450 00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:44,122 - Listen, I know you didn't kill shannon, okay? 451 00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:46,691 - How do you know that, detective? 452 00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:47,558 [thunder] - freeze. 453 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:50,161 - Oh, my. She has no pulse. 454 00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:52,430 - Because you got the same look in your eye 455 00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:53,865 That I have in my heart. 456 00:18:53,867 --> 00:18:57,335 I know how you feel about her. I know. 457 00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:59,137 - Is that a piece of shannon's nightgown? 458 00:18:59,139 --> 00:19:01,405 - Stealing evidence? Yeah, yeah, I don't think so. 459 00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:07,512 That would be highly, highly unprofessional. 460 00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:10,715 - Is this her? Wow. 461 00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:13,284 She's beautiful. 462 00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:15,353 - May I? 463 00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:16,754 [sniffs] mm. 464 00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:18,556 - Listen, the second I saw that video... 465 00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:23,394 I just heard that voice of an angel... 466 00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:25,730 I fell in love with her, all right? 467 00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:28,232 - What do you want me to do about it? 468 00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:30,701 - The person who did this is still out there. 469 00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:31,469 We can go find him. 470 00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:34,505 - Why don't you ask one of your cop partners? 471 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,106 [gunshot] 472 00:19:35,108 --> 00:19:36,908 - Because they're all down the station making fun of me. 473 00:19:36,910 --> 00:19:40,144 I did everything right on this case, other than arresting you. 474 00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:42,146 You killed that angel. - No, I didn't. 475 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:43,214 - All right, come on, what do you say? 476 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:46,050 We can go find him. - But what can I do to help? 477 00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:47,852 - My 15 years on the force, 478 00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:49,921 And your 20 years in the animal kingdom. 479 00:19:49,923 --> 00:19:51,756 Me out on the street, bringing in the perps. 480 00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:55,660 You in there shaking the fleas off those varmints. 481 00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:57,795 My fire, your ice, huh? 482 00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:01,432 My mustard, your relish. - I prefer sauerkraut. 483 00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:04,268 - We'll take them by storm, you and me. 484 00:20:04,270 --> 00:20:08,005 A couple of condiments out there on the street solving crime. 485 00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:12,510 What do you say? Come on, what do you say? 486 00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:14,545 - [sniffs] 487 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,148 [rock music] 488 00:20:17,150 --> 00:20:19,417 - ♪ yeah 489 00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:20,985 ♪ ha 490 00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:24,155 ♪ 491 00:20:24,157 --> 00:20:28,793 - Oh, too much love ♪ 492 00:20:28,795 --> 00:20:29,627 ♪ 493 00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:32,363 ♪ too much, too much 494 00:20:32,365 --> 00:20:38,569 ♪ too much, too much love ♪ 495 00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:42,807 [siren chirps] 496 00:20:42,809 --> 00:20:45,076 - What took you so long? 497 00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:46,777 - This is good coffee. 498 00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:49,013 - You know what? Not as great as shannon. 499 00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:52,817 - I miss her so [bleep] much. 500 00:20:52,819 --> 00:20:54,385 What do we do now? 501 00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:56,587 - You want to go get a hooker? 502 00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,923 - She has to look like shannon. 503 00:20:58,925 --> 00:20:59,991 - They all do. 504 00:20:59,993 --> 00:21:03,294 - Ha-ha, good at bizness. 505 00:21:05,297 --> 00:21:06,664 - Oh, sure, come on up here, bub. 506 00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:07,365 - Doug--doug, are you-- 507 00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:08,966 I see a ring on your finger. Are you married? 508 00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:12,036 - I do it to keep away trash-- 509 00:21:12,038 --> 00:21:14,705 Female trash, male trash. 510 00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:16,207 They're always hitting on a guy like me. 511 00:21:16,209 --> 00:21:19,744 No, I--my marriage exploded beautifully.