[dubstep music]
♪
- Gentlemen, welcome to gigolo house.
10 bedrooms, 1 1/2 bathrooms,
And seven of the longest dongs in las vegas.
- I gotta couple of dick tricks to show you jerks.
- When we first walked in the house,
I was very much impressed by the caliber
Of those I saw.
Okay, twins, asians, blacks, whites,
Kids, great.
- Two rules.
Work hard and play hard,
And no intercourse in the house.
- Well, brah, that's three rules.
- Work hard and play hard is one rule, brah.
It's right there embroidered on that board.
We did that ourselves.
- Always have things embroidered, bro.
- Lower your voice.
- What do you wanna do when you wanna be
Vulnerable with a girl?
How do you connect with her emotion--
- Whoa. - Come on, dude.
- Third rule of the house:
Don't ever show your true self to anybody.
- Not a problem for me, bro.
Mask of masculinity. - All right.
Freaky Friday date night, usa.
We got six hours to prepare.
So let's do this.
I'm a prostitute now.
[dubstep music]
♪
- The y.
- Manhattan's own exclusive club
That anyone can belong to.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no.
- Get outta here! Get outta here!
- Get outta here.
They gone?
You have everything?
Well, I had no wallet to begin with.
So that's okay.
- You know, I love coming to the "y" with you, george,
'cause you're a great guy.
- Yeah, thanks.
- And there's a few ladies to ogle.
- Roll our eyes at. - Yeah, yeah.
But more than anything, what I love about the y
Is the cultural element.
- Oh, there's always great guest speakers.
- Yeah, the speaker tonight is none other
Than miriam moynihan, who if I remember correctly
Was a student of yours.
- Miriam moynihan. She was a student of mine
When I was a short story professor at suny-yonkers.
Ah, miriam. Wonderful.
I even gave her cough syrup one night
So she would go to sleep and I could fondle her.
I mean, I didn't do that.
I did not do that. - You did not do that.
- Yeah, my lawyer said you gotta say "did not."
- Oh, one of these slick lawyers?
I don't wanna put you on the spot
But let's see what she wrote about you.
- Let's check the acknowledgement.
All right here. Dedication page.
Now, it's just a matter of reading it.
"for women everywhere..."
There's no george st. Geegland here.
- What? - What?
- Huh?
- She left me out of a whole book.
- That's impossible. - I'm not mentioned anywhere.
And I was the reason she became a writer.
- Really? - Of course, look.
"mother, daughter, sister, wife."
This is told from the perspective
Of four different women, just like my novel
Rifkin's dilemma. - What was that about?
- It was about a boyhood of a guy named rifkin.
He jerks off all day long and I describe it.
It's a unwritten novel. - It's the same thing!
- It's the same thing.
You've got a lotta nerve writing a book
And not thanking me and then coming to my "y"
And giving a speech about it in front of my friends
And gil faizon?
Oh, I'm gonna ruin her speech today.
- [laughs]
- We're gonna cap off our day at the "y"
With one of my classic incidents
Where I make a woman cry.
- John, how--how's it going talking like yourself?
- It's going okay.
I'm having trouble shaking "oh, hello" voice.
- Yeah, it's much more comfortable in there, isn't it?
- I feel much more comfortable talking like this.
- Where you from, john? - I'm from chicago, illinois.
- You--what's your racial background?
- My racial background is irish-catholic.
- So why is it that you act like a jew from the '70s?
Why do you seem most comfortable...
- It's my most comfortable mode.
- Yo, what's up, tv? I'm c-czar.
Blap, blap, blap!
I'm about to become a teenage dad.
Do I have what it takes?
Find out on today's dad academy.
[mimics explosion]
[child babbles indistinctly]
- Okay.
- Met a farmer in the tractor.
And he met the-- - straight-up.
I know you got a suit on and you tricked everybody else.
But I know you a baby. - Oh, that's good.
- But I'm excited to be a daddy.
Who's my expert today? Where he at, kid?
- My name's patty.
I'm a mother and a social worker.
And I'm optimistic about working with c-czar today.
Hey, c-czar. I'm patty.
Welcome to dad academy. - It's sure nice.
Another boy, finally. - I'm not a boy.
I'm a woman. - Oh, okay.
I'm a woman, too. Ooh, touch my vagina.
Touch my vagina. - I'm not gonna do that.
This is a standard-issue psychological testing doll.
And this is what c-czar's gonna be working with today.
- What the [bleep] is that? - This--
- Is that anderson cooper?
- Why would you think this was anderson cooper?
- 'cause he's white and he's got flaxen hair.
- He's white? - Yeah, that baby's white.
- A father needs to spend a lot of time with his child.
- No.
- No?
- No!
- Okay, you're gonna be in this room for four hours.
- I don't want that baby! - Do you wanna be a good father?
- No, I don't wanna be a good father.
- Do you wish you had a good father?
- Yeah.
- This is gonna be your baby for the day,
And you're gonna spend some real quality time with it, okay?
For c-czar, I knew that four hours
Was a long time.
- ♪ yeah
- Everything's bolted down in here.
I can't get [bleep] out.
I'm charles manson.
I was, like, mad angry at everything.
Why don't you stop smilin'?
If you a real baby, you'd be cryin',
Fillin' your ass with [bleep].
What is infinity?
'cause that's what this feels like.
- It's been two hours,
And I'm really proud of c-czar.
We're halfway home.
- Oh, [bleep]. Oh, [bleep].
Oh, [bleep].
Chicken head. Bitch ass chicken head.
In hour three, I was just exhausted,
Emotionally drained.
- You're holdin' me back, baby.
You're the only one who understands
What I'm going through, and yet you're the one
Who caused this nightmare, baby.
In hour four, I fell in love with my son.
- C-czar? - Get the [bleep] away from me.
- C-czar, it's me, patty.
Congratulations.
You can give that right back to me now.
- Why would I give you my baby?
- Well, it's not a real baby, of course.
- Oh, you're gonna say that to his face?
- That's not a real-- - what is this, "pinocchilo"?
- I'm not calling the baby "pinocchlio."
I'm saying that why don't you give that baby
A big old hug and give it on back to me, okay?
- Okay. [inhales]
[blows raspberry] ow!
It's stuck to my lip ring! Don't--get away from me!
Get away from me! This baby's--
- C-czar, don't move. - Ahh!
- Ooh, well, he did it,
And I couldn't be prouder of him.
Four entire hours,
And it seems like this challenge
Has been accomplished.
- Good work. - Oh, snap.
Did I pass? - Happy [babbling].
[laughs]
- All right, freaky Friday date night, usa.
Download me. Who, what, where?
- That's right. Return customer, couple.
- Okay. [groans]
You know, I like the feinsteins.
They're pretty fun.
If they wanna pay me to have sex,
Uh, that's a fun night.
- I didn't have a date yet.
I was very much embarrassed about that.
- I notice everybody else is talking
About the date they have tonight,
But you haven't said what you're doing tonight.
- You know, I'm more discretionary.
So, you know--
- You wanna live in this house,
You gotta [bleep] for money.
- Get ready to rock it! [cheering]
All: Let's go [bleep] for money.
Let's go [bleep] for money.
[cheering]
- I needed a date so badly that I called
Someone I had promised I would never call again.
How would you be interested in a date with me?
- Wow, bobby. - No doubt.
- After, like, where we left things...
Wow!
- Obviously, we've had trouble with love.
- Yes. - Okay?
So why don't we take that love
Into a more professional mannerisms?
- Oh, we're talking about pay to stay?
- Yeah, I'm talking about working hard
In addition to as well as playing hard.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's crazy, bobby.
Wow. Yes.
You know, I'm interested.
- I don't want any mistake
About what's about to happen.
- I know exactly what's gonna happen.
I'ma meet up with you, get this money--
- You right. - And then go on about my day.
- Yeah, you gonna get that money,
And then meet up with me.
And then, it's just gonna be on, right?
- Yes, absolutely. - Right?
A day with bobby bottleservice doesn't come free.
Some of us were put on this earth to pound [bleep].
- On the occasion of a rare occasion
When the mail can't get there soon enough,
Stamps presents live letter, bro.
- Sweetie, is that you? - Aw, look at that.
- Yeah, mom, I didn't receive the recipe you sent.
- I sent it days ago. - Aw.
- Party's tonight. - It's two eggs.
Throw in some flour, and... - Oh, cool.
- You beat it with one of these.
- Nice. - Will this work?
- She's got one too. - You bet it will.
- Everyone prefers a personal touch of a letter.
But sometimes, life can't wait, bro.
- Welcome to our humble whorehouse abode.
- Yo, what are you doing in here?
- Oh, hey.
Weren't you supposed to be on a date?
- That's right.
I got a date with a model,
An architectural model.
- Oh, cool.
These guys, I told them they couldn't have sex in the house,
And then it became forbidden fruit, so...
- These models are my forbidden fruit.
I wanna be an architect, man. - That's cool, man.
I'm glad you're passionate about something
Besides jackhammer [bleep] girls.
- I don't tell nobody that [bleep].
I can't take the pranks and the teasing.
- I'll never let anyone know
Your totally respectable secret.
- 'cause you know what's gonna happen if they find out.
- Yeah.
You'll get fired from being a whore
And instead have to pursue a career in architecture?
- It's hard to look at this baked potato
When I got such a sweet potato in front of me.
[both chuckle]
- You're funny still. That's good.
- The date was off to a great start.
- Thanks for taking me out.
- Nah, thank you for taking me out.
[both laugh]
I feel like implicitly, you understand me...
- Uh-huh.
- Because, like, you're on the same level.
- Wait, say that again.
- Other people aren't on the same level.
- Yeah. Can I ask you a question?
- You can ask me anything you want.
- Do you date me tonight for money like we discussed?
- I'm sorry, what?
- Like, not to mess up your dinner
Or, like, the vibe of what's happening right now,
But you definitely did straight-up offer
To pay me for sex.
- No.
- And dinner's included.
- Sweetheart, let me tell you
How it's gonna go down right now, okay?
I'm a gigolo now.
I live in a gigolo house
With a number of other cool dudes, okay?
It's date night, usa tonight.
I decided that I would grant you
With my permission to be the girl
That would pay me very much for sex tonight
Because I, my friend, am a gigolo.
- Then I'm a gigolo too, bobby.
- Pssh.
You're not a gigolo.
Farley, you're a prostitute.
- [laughs]
Ah, ha, ha.
Say that [bleep] again. - You're a prostitute.
- What the [bleep], man? I can't take it.
You don't get it, stupid.
No, I was not satisfied with bobby's so-called services.
Stick to what you do best:
Hanging out with your mom.
- Oh. Ooh.
Mm. [groans]
- What...The...[bleep]?
Peter, I said no [bleep]ing in the house.
- Chill out, eagle wing.
- Hammer, what are you doing there?
And what are you playing with, toys?
- Shh. - You're gonna shush me?
- Good-bye. I'm moving out to pursue my passion.
I hope that one day you all look around
And realize you're having sex in a house that I built.
Look out, world. Here come the hammer.
- Fine, you'll be back!
You'll be back, hammer!
- What are you doing, eagle wing?
We just lost an amazing gigolo.
You know why? 'cause of your teasin'.
I mean, who died and made you the king of gigolo house?
- If you got a problem with who's in charge
Of this house, you can take it up with me.
I am in the bedroom at the top of the stairs.
- Oh, I know where your bedroom is
'cause it smells like clown makeup and spaghetti.
- Not tonight it doesn't, bro,
Because just like my fingers,
It smells like your mom's [bleep].
- [inhales]
- Yeah. - No!
- [laughs]
Gigolo auditions tomorrow.
Spread the word.
- One time when I was in elementary school,
I-I told everyone that I was in judo class
With my brothers.
And my brother matt was in the same school.
And--and-- and I used to pretend
That I know judo... - Uh-huh.
- And like blocks and throws.
And my brother came into class to deliver something.
And everyone was like, "is john in judo?"
And he was like, "no."
And I was like, "nah, ha.
I'm in swimming." [both laugh]
- I'm still so steamed about this.
I can't stand it,
My former student ripping me off.
- This is b.S.E.
This is what gets me so steamed about this book
Like a piece of limp broccoli.
- Absolutely.
- Well, let's enjoy our day at the beach.
Both: Oh, hello.
- You want a piece of pecan?
- Don't swim on a full stomach.
You'll die.
- Oh, sweetheart. [puckers lips]
- Eat the popcorn. - Quack, quack, quack.
- Pecan for you, baby.
- Pecan, little pecan. [both making kissing sounds]
- Ugh, you know what a woman likes to be treated like
Is a duck.
- Is a mallard, exactly.
- You want yogurt pretzels? - Oh, I'd love a yogurt pretzel.
I'm glad we stole them from that big jar.
- You know what, though? Maybe we should wash that down.
- Oh, you brought wine.
- I brought white wine in a bag.
- One of the best movies I ever went to sleep during
Was sideways.
- Hey, guys. - Have some wine--oh, hey.
Oh, hello. - Hey.
How are you? Is that wine in there?
- No. - Okay.
- It's a...
- It's urine. - Okay.
Well, if you do, and you wanna sit here,
Just no snacks if that's okay.
And no wine-- - we don't have snacks and wine.
So I don't know what you mean.
And we certainly don't have cocaine.
- Can you guys just move back, please?
Like, just-- - come on.
- I mean, you guys are also throwing
I think some of this popcorn into the pool, and you're--
- She was trying to lure some of those duckies in there.
- Oh, by the way, I left a lit cigarette
In the wastebasket
In the women's room. - What?
- If you see it, could you bring it to me?
I want to drag menthol. - Okay.
- Oh.
Oh. Ooh.
Look what he left.
Uh, yeah.
Everybody, you know, take off their tops.
- [laughs]
- Gentlemen, today we're holding auditions
For a new member here at gigolo house
To replace hammer, all right?
First candidate. Let's go!
- Bro, straight-up man-to-man question:
Are you an architect?
- Yes. - Next candidate!
- Your wife and you hired peter to [bleep]?
- I mean, yeah, that's a spin on it, sure.
- You can be, like, a weirdo guy in the crew.
- Favorite fast and the furious movie.
- Uh, 2 fast 2 furious.
- Wrong. Fast five. Next!
- I'm getting silhouette. - ♪ whoa, ooh, whoa
- Hi. I'm farley.
- Let me ask you a question, farley.
- What, bobby? What?
- Okay, fine, you wanna start with me
Right now in front of everybody?
- It's not all about you, bobby.
- Stupid, bobby.
- This is about this beautiful specimen
That wants to be a gigolette.
- I wanna be a straight-up gigolo.
That's what I'm talking about.
I wanna be like one of you.
I grew up with many brothers.
And, like, I watched them [bleep] their girlfriends
Through a keyhole.
And I was like, "I know what they like
And I know what men need."
- Before we get any further, do you have a resume for us?
- Um, I think I brought my resume...
- Okay. - And it's right here.
- Where? - So basically,
If you don't see a resume
In front of you right now,
Then you're basically majorly tripping.
- Many women are looking to lock down a husband,
Somebody real, a boyfriend.
Are you looking for nothing but casual sex,
A cycle of nonstop [bleep] in your holes?
- I'm comfortable with that very much so.
There's absolutely nobody in my life
That I ever would have feelings for ever again
'cause I'm [bleep]ing done with feelings.
- Really? - And right now,
From what I've been through,
I'm basically like a machine at this point.
- What are you talking about?
- Ugh, you ruin everything I try to do.
Whenever I try to make something of myself,
It's like you're right there trying to cut me down.
- I just wanna build you up.
- What? - I just wanna build you up.
- Bobby, no one can hear you when you cryin'
90% of the time.
- I don't cry. - He cries a lot.
- Nonstop.
It's like little boy blue or some [bleep].
- Okay, I think we've heard enough.
You embody all of the attributes
That it takes to be a gigolo.
She is beautiful, she is intelligent,
And she is good to go sexually.
Welcome to gigolo house.
- [giggles] [applause]
Thank you. - No, bro, veto, bro.
- So then bobby starts saying
Like what I can and cannot do
Bein' that I am a woman.
How about hullary clinton?
- Bro, if there weren't a gigolo code,
I would straight-up punch you in the--
- Bro, I don't give a [bleep] about the code.
I will end you.
- How about you forget the code
And just hit him in his stupid face?
- I will end you.
- I drove 500 miles for my mother's sweet potato pie.
The first 375 were no problem.
125 miles on highway 79.
My mother and me--
- Ma'am. - Hello.
- Ahem, hem, hem, hem, hem.
- Uh-- - uh, clearing phlegm.
- We're gonna do a q-and-a right afterwards.
- Let's get to brass tacks, sweetie.
- Did you just call me "sweetie"?
- The other word I was gonna use for you
Is a little more harsh, and that's "plagiarist."
- A plagiarist? Of whom?
- George st. Geegland.
- George zuh-glee-lan?
- Suny-yonkers? 1986?
- Yes? - I taught short story writing.
- He's a short story professor.
- We're all familiar with rifkin's dilemma,
The great unwritten novel.
- You had the miata?
- I once pretended that I owned a miata
So that you would come close enough
That I could rub up against you.
And I want you to know I still use that memory.
- Wonderful. I would like to continue reading.
- Miriam, in your next novel,
You don't have to dedicate it to me
And you don't have to name me in the acknowledgements.
All I ask is that you would name the main character
George st. Geegland as a little wink to yours truly.
- [clicks tongue]
This next part of the book
Is written in a text message conversation.
- Come with me, please? - No, it's fine.
We're good with her now.
- You guys are not members here anymore, okay?
I checked.
You haven't paid your dues since 1984.
- Will you accept a $1,000 bill with alf on it?
- Chelsea, we've known each other
For quite some time. - Yes.
- Early open mics. - We used to do open mics.
- So there would be people like chelsea, who are--
- Geniuses. - A genius.
One of the greats, as she was--
- Just an instant natural, always killing.
Then there was those like nick,
Going up-- - I had to work
A little harder at it. - The sweat
And just panic in the eyes.
And people were just standing os,
'cause they were so relieved it was over.
[dubstep music]
- I will end you!
- Hey, you hit him in the mouth.
That's the second most important sex tool.
- Oops. [giggles]
- Look at what she just made you do, bro.
What happened to camaraderie?
What happened to loyalty, bro?
- What's up, gigolos? - Hammer time!
- Apparently you gotta go to school
To be at the top of the architect game, so...
I ain't tryin' to do that.
My passion will always be
In constructing beautiful buildings.
But my heart... Will always be in my balls.
- Dude, that's the most beautiful thing, like,
I've ever heard, bro.
What's up, bro?
You smell good as hell. - Oh, you know.
- Bobby, I owe you an apology.
I should never have hit you like that.
I'm hard on you,
Because I see a lot of myself in you.
- That's all I want for me and for you--
- I love you. - I love you too, bro.
- You're the heir apparent to gigolo house.
- [exhales]
That's a lot of responsibility, bro.
- I think we learned an important lesson here today.
Yes, a female can become a gigolo.
But farley, it is not you.
You came in here and you made me
Turn against my brother.
So as a result, I'm going to have to ask you
To get the [bleep] out of gigolo house.
- Oh, really? [giggles]
[bleep] you, and all of you are stupid and look dumb.
Your pool is full of fecal matter.
- Farley, call me.
- Yes, call me, of course, later.
- Yo, sorry about the pool, guys.
That was me.
- Ha ha.
- If we welcomed you into the house...
- Yeah. - On the one condition
That you have sex with everybody in the house but bobby...
- That's not a problem. I can do that
In, like, two seconds.
- Even gay trey? - Which one's that?
'cause you all, like, no offense, all seem gay to me.
That's one?