Uh, could you pass me the salt, please, Anais?
But of course.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
May I have the gravy please, Darwin?
Gladly.
Now, now,
maybe a little dessert will sweeten you.
Aah!
I will not tolerate
this kind of behavior in my house.
I barely got to lick the icing.
Wait a minute.
You licked the cake?
Well, duh, how else can you tell they're ripe
when you buy them at the store?
Anyway, what's with all the tension?
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
Right, I think it's time we laid it all out on the table.
She made us believe we only had 24 hours to live
because of a disease called Gullibilitis.
And that our butts were gonna fall off
and everything inside us was gonna spill out from the bottom
like an undercooked flan.
I only wrote that in my diary
to teach you a lesson about privacy.
I was so distressed,
I spent the whole afternoon by the lake
listening to soft rock while cross-fading.
You... what?
Like this.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have bedazzled the toilet seat.
My butt looks like a Fabergé egg!
No amount of butt-azzling
can make up for the day we had because of you!
Oh, you little --
Stop fighting!
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
First of all,
that is how you crashed the car earlier.
Secondly, what I meant by "lay it all out on the table"
was the game!
For Saturday night is family time,
and since it's my turn to choose,
we're raiding Dungeons and fighting Dragons.
Sorry, Gumball.
You rolled a 2 in stealth. Get back here.
How is this gonna help?
You are all travelers from distant lands
seeking refuge from a great storm.
Testosteronah, the barbarian... Hmm.
...Norovirus, the Wizard... Hmm.
...Frumpet, the elf bard... Hmm.
...then, finally, Mario Kebab the dwarf warrior
because I ran out of name ideas.
You stumble across a tavern called the Merle Inn
and find yourself in the midst of a brawl.
Not against each other.
All right, against each other, I guess.
But you're interrupted by a mysterious voice.
Do you want to be rich?
How rich are we talking?
Enough to buy my kids new battle armor? More.
Enough to get health care against loss of limbs
and dental for my tooth? Even more.
Enough for us to pay to get into a good pillaging college?
The riches I speak of
are to be found in the black crystal dungeon,
and they will give you a lifetime of joy.
But the road to the dungeon and the treasure
is treacherous,
but not as treacherous as --
Uh...
The treasure will be mine!
Not if I get there first, wizard.
Had you stayed and listened to the witch,
you'd have known the road was far less treacherous
than the path you took to the forest of
Who comes up with these names, man?
Sorry that was a cheese curl stuck in my throat.
It's actually called the Forest of Groth,
and there's an owlbear blocking your path.
Everybody, roll for initiative.
Guess it's me first.
What are you gonna do?
I throw Norovirus into the mouth of the owlbear.
Oh, come on.
Darwin, you're next. What do you do?
I play a merry tune, and I dance.
Ugh, Nicole, what do you do?
Testosteronah sits this one out.
She already crashed her station horse wagon
because of these fools.
All right, whatever.
He swallows you.
Norovirus, what do you do?
Anais" I perform a suggestion charm.
17 plus 2 intelligence bonus -- 19.
Finally, someone's getting into the game
and playing it properly.
Mario Kebab, Frumpet,
head-butt yourselves in the butt
as you walk towards the owlbear.
All right, you're now all inside
the stomach of the beast.
What do you do before your last breath?
I pop Norovirus in the face.
Your attack roll is 1.
You miss and hit Testosteronah.
Then I enter a rage, and I swing my sword.
Okay, you're fighting again,
but somehow your literal internal struggle
frees you from the beast.
However, you are hurt,
and in the remains of the beast,
you find its fire gland.
What do you do?
I pick it up. Of course.
With your knowledge of potions,
you could use it to heal everyone.
No, I throw it at Mario Kebab's face.
I throw it at Testosteronah.
And I throw it at Frumpet.
Despite your constant bickering,
you continue your journey towards the dungeon.
A sphinx gives you this riddle --
What comes up from the deepest, darkest mine,
rots mens' souls, and lingers in their senses?
The dungeonmaster's toots?
Aah!
Ugh, the answer was "gold."
Aah!
Huh?
Give me that. Let go of it.
Hiya!
Hm.
Aah!
- Aw, where we even going? - I think it's this way.
No, I think it's over here. - No, listen.
We already went that way.
In the name of Galgax's beard, stop fighting.
Otherwise, we'll be here all night.
Before you plummet into the depths of the nether-floor,
an astral portal appears
and conveniently teleports you across the kingdom
to the entrance of the Black Crystal Dungeon.
Hmm. Kind of sounds like a nightclub.
Ugh, you enter the dungeon.
Finally, after all your travels and battles,
mostly with each other,
the object of your quest lies before you --
The treasure.
Suddenly, out of the darkness,
a familiar face appears.
It is the witch from the tavern.
Come closer, my valorous warriors.
- It's trap. - It's not a trap.
It's totally a trap. No, it ain't.
This is more trap than an Auto-Tuned rapper.
Yeah, okay, it's a trap.
The beast swallows the treasure.
Beast? LOL.
It looks more like a police drawing
of the imaginary friend of some crayon-eating kid.
LOL all you want.
I lured you here for food,
and a band of warriors
is always easier to swallow
when they've been chewing each other up all day.
You face certain doom.
What are you gonna do?
Right.
We're gonna have to use our greatest weapon...
Blame.
The tarrasque successfully attacks.
You all lose 30 HP.
Okay, time out.
We decided to change tactics and use our greatest weapon...
Blame.
But this time, we blame the game master
for making us spend time together.
So now it's us against you.
Finally.
I heard the beast say
Testosteronah's neck was so thick
she'd have to wear drapes as a necktie.
And I heard it ask if she's wearing hairy boots
or if she just forgot to shave her legs.
And I heard it say her hair looks great. Oh.
Said it makes you look 50 again.
I fly into an epic barbarian rage
and take my anger out on the beast.
Your attack works.
The beast is weakened. Who's next?
Me.
I play a seduction ballad to woo the monster.
But you can't. It's an animal.
Yeah, but it's half-witch.
Ahh!
Okay, what do you do now?
The creature's in love with you.
I break up with her
by text message.
Okay, I'll use rule of cool for that one.
♪ This house don't feel like home anymore ♪
♪ You say
The beast is down, but not defeated.
Mario, it lunges at you, its fangs bared.
What do you do?
I panic and scream!
Aah!
I cast a portal spell between Mario Kebab and the tarrasque.
Its head disappears into the portal
just before it bites Mario.
Where is the other portal opening?
Its butt.
Good one.
The beast loses more HP through shame.
Suddenly, the monster rears up, ready to strike.
What do you say to that?
Snack break?
The beast has eaten so much,
it is exhausted and on the verge of defeat.
But you, too, have overeaten,
and are now on the edge of a food coma.
What do you do?
I sing a song
to inspire strength in my fellow warriors
so we can deliver the final blow.
As the light fades, you see the chest.
The treasure.
You open it
and inside find only a small piece of parchment.
"The greatest treasure on Earth
is the time you spend together."
Lame.
Boom.
Mega-happy ending.
Game master out.