♪
(woman) ♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪
♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪
♪ THIS FUNNY THING ♪
♪ CALLED LOVE ♪
♪ JUST WHO CAN SOLVE ♪
♪ ITS MYSTERY? ♪
♪ WHY SHOULD IT MAKE ♪
♪ A FOOL OF ME? ♪
♪ I SAW YOU THERE ♪
♪ THAT WONDERFUL DAY ♪
♪ YOU TOOK MY LOVE ♪
♪ AND THREW IT AWAY ♪
♪ AND SO I ASK THE LORD ♪
♪ IN HEAVEN ABOVE ♪
♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪
♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪
♪ CALLED LOVE ♪
(Michael grunts) NOW TURN AROUND.
(Jocelyn) THIS WAY?
(grunts) THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.
YEAH, NOW RIDE ME. YEAH, RIDE ME.
(grunting and panting)
(moans)
(grunts and pants) OH, YEAH. YEAH, SQUEEZE ME.
WHAT?
OH, MY COCK. SQUEEZE IT.
(pants) NO, NO, JOCE. NOT WITH YOUR HANDS.
SQUEEZE FROM INSIDE.
(grunts)
(groans) YEAH. OH, MY GOD.
DON'T STOP. OH. YEAH.
OH, MAKE A FIST WITH IT. YEAH, HONEY. COME ON.
NO. SQUEEZE THAT CUNT. (panting)
(mutters and pants) DID YOU SAY CUNT?
NO. WHAT? (pants)
BABE, HEY, HEY, HEY. HEY. HEY.
(sighs)
HEY, WHERE'D YOU GO?
I DON'T CARE FOR THAT WORD.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
IT'S JUST A WORD. IT'S NOT AN ELDERLY RELATIVE.
COME ON.
(taps countertop) COME BACK HERE.
(sighs) I GOTTA GO.
I HAVE A 7:00 A.M. MEETING I HAVEN'T PREPARED FOR YET.
YOU'RE LEAVING? (sighs)
YOU'RE KIDDING.
OHH.
YOU'RE UPSET.
I DON'T LIKE MY FLOWER BEING REFERRED TO THAT WAY.
FLOWER?
YES, "FLOWER,"
NOT "CUNT."
IT'S JUST A WORD.
DID I ACTUALLY OFFEND YOU?
IT WAS A LITTLE... INDELICATE.
(chuckles)
YOU MEAN DIRTY.
OKAY, DIRTY.
YOU LIKE DIRTY.
YES, BUT NOT FILTHY.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE?
NO. YOU KNOW, SOMEONE ONCE ASKED WOODY ALLEN
IF SEX WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DIRTY,
AND HE SAID, "ONLY WHEN IT'S DONE PROPERLY."
YEAH, YOU TOLD ME THAT WHEN YOU TRIED TO DO
THAT OTHER THING THAT I DIDN'T LIKE LAST SUNDAY.
WE GOT OFF.
IS THAT ALL YOU CARE ABOUT?
NO.
NO, I CARE ABOUT THE POLAR BEARS
AND THE DEATH OF THE DVD
AND I CARE ABOUT LOTS OF OTHER... STUFF. WHAT?
MICHAEL, WHERE ARE ALL OF THESE NEW IDEAS COMING FROM,
THESE STRANGE WAYS TO HAVE SEX?
I'M A MODERN MAN. I GET PEDICURES.
SOMETHING'S CHANGED.
YOU'VE CHANGED. THE SEX IS DIFFERENT.
IF IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME, WHAT'S THE POINT?
MICHAEL, ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR?
(moans)
(groans)
(both pant)
HOW COULD YOU EVEN ASK THAT?
(sighs)
IF YOU ARE, JUST TELL ME, OKAY?
I DON'T WANT TO BE THE LAST TO KNOW.
♪
"AN UNEXPECTED EVENT WILL SOON BRING YOU FORTUNE."
FATE IS ALL BULLSHIT.
THINGS JUST HAPPEN.
THERE'S NO DESIGN UNLESS YOU'RE RICH OR DELUDED,
AND I HIGHLY RECOMMEND BOTH.
I'VE HAD FOUR GREAT LOVERS IN MY LIFE.
FIVE IF I COUNT MYSELF.
H-HERE'S THE THING-- TWO WERE ORIENTAL.
I KNOW THEY'RE CALLED ASIANS NOW,
BUT ORIENTAL IS MORE MYSTERIOUS THAN ASIAN, DON'T YOU THINK?
IT HAS A KIND OF SILK RESTRAINTS-OPIUM DEN VIBE.
BELIEVE ME, THESE TWO LOVERS WERE WORLD-CLASS MYSTERIOUS.
I NEVER KNEW THEIR NAMES. I NEVER KNEW WHAT TO EXPECT.
EACH OF THEM CAME UP WITH VARIATIONS,
YOU KNOW, MOVES, DEVICES, FALSE IDENTITIES...
ROPE.
JESUS, THEY WERE EXCITING.
NO SURPRISE THERE.
THESE PEOPLE INVENTED GUNPOWDER FOR FUCK SAKE.
GOD, I LOVE ROPE.
♪
(screams) (Luther laughs)
AH! WHOO! (groans)
(squeals) HOLD ON! (grunts)
DO YOUR LITTLE BITCH!
(grunts) OH!
(grunts and laughs) (squeals)
COMING THROUGH! AAH!
(laughs) OH.
(squeals and moans)
MM. MM. (grunting)
(squealing)
OH, GOD. (pants) MM.
MM. MM. (laughs)
WHAT'S THE WORLD RECORD FOR MULTIPLE ORGASMS?
WANT ME TO GOOGLE IT? (laughs)
(laughs) NO. I WANT YOU TO GOOGLE ME.
WHERE'D YOU LEARN HOW TO EAT PUSSY LIKE THAT?
ONLINE. YODEL UNIVERSITY.
OH, YOU'RE AMAZING.
COMPLETELY.
OKAY, ENOUGH TALKING. I WANT THAT COCK IN MY ASS.
IF YOU INSIST.
PUT THE BALL BACK IN MY MOUTH.
(muffled voice) OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH!
OH! OH, MY GOD!
(doorbell rings)
MM.
YOUR HUSBAND?
(speaks indistinctly)
OH. NO, HE'S AT ROTATOR CUFF SURGERY THIS MORNING.
PEM.
PEMMIE, ARE YOU IN THERE?
COME ON, PEMMIE.
SHIT! IT'S JOCELYN!
FUCK. (panting) OKAY, OKAY.
OKAY. (whimpers)
(sighs)
PEM, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
(speaks indistinctly)
(mouths word) FUCK!
YEAH, COMING.
(exhales slowly)
(Jocelyn sighs)
DID I INTERRUPT SOMETHING?
(pants) LIKE WHAT?
YOU LOOK A LITTLE FLUSHED.
WHAT CAN I TELL YOU? I LOVE LIFE.
WHAT'S UP?
I THINK MICHAEL'S HAVING AN AFFAIR.
(keys clatter)
OH. WELL, YOU SHOULD BE TALKING TO A PRIVATE EYE, NOT ME.
NO. YOU'RE MY SEXUAL YODA.
OOH, A SEXUAL PROBLEM?
THE THRILL IS GONE, HUH?
NO. (laughs) NO. HE'S INSATIABLE.
OH, REALLY?
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND, A SISTER ACT?
I WAS JOKING, JOCE.
WELL...
DOES HE SMELL DIFFERENT?
YOU CAN ALWAYS SMELL A WOMAN ON A MAN.
LATELY, HE'S BEEN...
DOING WEIRD THINGS DURING SEX.
LIKE WHAT?
LAST NIGHT, HE CALLED MY... FLOWER
THE "C" WORD.
YOUR FLOWER?
ARE YOU A BOTANIST?
(sighs) HE'S NOT HIMSELF, PEMMIE.
I-I THINK HE'S GETTING ALL OF THIS STUFF FROM ANOTHER WOMAN.
(sighs) WHAT IF IT'S TRUE?
THEN YOU EITHER HAVE TO KILL HER
OR BUY HER A LITTLE GIFT.
JOCE...
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, GO WITH THE FLOW.
(chuckles)
YEAH. JUST GO WITH THE FLOW.
(sighs deeply)
THANKS, PEMMIE.
OH, I GOTTA GO.
YEAH. OF COURSE. YES, GO, GO, GO. DO YOUR THING.
MEETINGS.
DO YOUR--YEP. (keys jangle)
OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.
IT'S NOT A FLOWER.
IT'S A MAN-EATING TIGER.
(laughs)
BYE.
(exhales)
(singsong voice) LUTHER.
YOU WERE SERIOUS ABOUT THE SISTER ACT.
WELL... NOTHING'S OFF THE TABLE.
(laughs)
WELL, FAMILY REALLY IS THE BACKBONE OF SOCIETY.
(growls)
YOU MUST BE MICHAEL.
AND WHO ARE YOU?
I AM ISHA.
COME IN.
WHERE'S LIZ?
SHE'LL BE HERE.
I'M ESHA.
HI. WHOA. UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SHH. WE'RE PREPARING YOU.
DON'T WORRY. WE'LL GUIDE YOU.
ISHA, ESHA?
UH-HUH. MM-HMM.
WELCOME.
WHAT'S THE OCCASION?
TWO MONTHS OF NOT HITTING ANYBODY.
I THOUGHT I WAS COMING OVER FOR SOME COFFEE.
WHAT'S NEXT?
WHAT ISN'T?
MM.
OKAY.
OH.
♪
MM. MM.
♪
(moans)
(pants)
YOU-- YOU WERE RIGHT THERE, AND...
I KNOW.
WELL, IT MUST HAVE BEEN ISHA AND ESHA.
Y-YOU WERE OVERSTIMULATED.
YEAH.
(Luther) SO...
TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT THE RICKSHAW TWINS.
THEY'RE ALL OILED UP,
SHIMMERING IN THE CANDLED GLOW,
MOVING EVER CLOSER TO YOUR THROBBING--
LUTHER, FOR GOD SAKE.
I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY PROBLEM.
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
MEA CULPA. MEA CULPA.
JUST... GIVE ME A MOMENT TO COMPLETE THE THOUGHT.
MM.
MM. MM.
(laughs and inhales deeply)
(clicks tongue and exhales)
(clicks tongue) ALL DONE.
NOW WHERE WERE WE?
I COULDN'T GET IT UP WITH LIZ.
IT'S AN ABERRATION. YEAH, BUT WHAT IF IT'S NOT?
WELL, THEN YOU'RE FUCKED.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET SERIOUS.
IS THERE ANYTHING BOTHERING YOU?
JOCELYN.
I THINK SHE MAY BE ON TO ME ABOUT LIZ.
MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
QUESTION--HOW ARE YOU DOING WITH JOCELYN?
OH, FINE.
MM-HMM.
SO THE PLOT THICKENS IN ONE PART OF YOUR LIFE
BUT NOT THE OTHER.
HMM.
MM-HMM.
LUTHER, WOULD YOU STOP?
WHAT DO I DO?
ONE WORD--THE NUBIAN.
THE NUBIAN?
DESPERATE TIMES...
DESPERATE MEASURES.
(sighs)
(beeps)
(Preston) WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND. WAIT, WAIT.
YOU'RE TELLING ME THESE TWO CHICKS
ARE SLIDING UP AND DOWN HIS PERSON
AND NOTHING?
FLAT TIRE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, MEN ARE VERY SENSITIVE CREATURES.
WE'RE ENIGMAS. (laughs)
IF SOMETHING UPSETS US, IT GOES RIGHT TO OUR HOME PAGE.
SEE, YOU WOMEN THINK
THAT YOU HAVE THE MARKET CORNERED ON FEELINGS.
YOU DO NOT. WE ARE EQUALLY AS VULNERABLE.
ANDREA BOCELLI GIVES ME CHILLS.
PUPPIES MAKE ME MISTY.
COME ON. GIVE ME SOME HELP HERE, PRESTON.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE OFF YOUR GAME?
(chuckles) I'M NEVER OFF MY GA--
ALL RIGHT, TWO WORDS-- VISUAL STIMULATION.
(computer chirps)
(chirp)
(blurps)
HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Just wanted to say hi.
I was, um, going to make something to eat. You hungry?
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
Let's see what's there.
Ooh.
What's here?
(whispers indistinctly)
Ohh.
Ooh.
Oh.
Oh. Mmm.
(moans)
Mm.
HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
HOW'S THE RESOLUTION ON YOUR SCREEN?
It's hi-def.
OH, YEAH? WATCH THIS.
(gasps)
(moans)
(gasps)
(pants) (grunts)
(pants and moans)
AH.
(moans)
YES. (grunts)
(moaning)
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.
Oh.
(grunts and groans) (grunts)
Ohh! Ohh! NO.
(grunts) (gasps)
OH, GOD!
(pants)
I gotta go.
YOU GOTTA GO? (sighs)
Bye.
(button clicks)
(grunts)
SUMMER...
2001.
I'M WATCHING "FRIENDS."
IN WALKS JENNIFER ANISTON,
NIPPLES POKING THE CASHMERE.
THAT'S ALL IT TOOK.
I BROKE UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND, NEVER LOOKED BACK.
HEY. YOU COME YOUR WAY.
I COME MINE.
(doorbell rings)
(African accent) HELLO.
OH, LUTHER SENT ME.
HI. I'M--
NO NAMES.
WHAT THE MODERN WORLD CALLS US HAS NO PLACE HERE TONIGHT.
OKAY. WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?
VODKA.
OH, I PREFER YOU NOT TO DRINK.
WE NEED YOUR SENSES ALIVE
AND RECEPTIVE.
MAY I COME IN? UH, Y-YES.
THANK YOU.
SO HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
WELL, I JUST CAN'T
SEEM TO...
SAY NO MORE. HAVE A SEAT, PLEASE.
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
IS THAT I LOVE THE PENISES.
I LOVE THE WAY THEY LOOK
AND HOW THEY FEEL.
AND NOW YOU MUST LET ME SEE.
(inhales sharply)
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S EVEN MORE EXTRAORDINARY THAN WHAT I THOUGHT.
OH, I BET YOU LOVE YOUR COCK.
WELL, WE GO WAY BACK.
IT IS SO THICK.
MIGHT BE THE LIGHT. I'VE GOT HALOGENS.
NO. I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR COCK,
AND IT LOVES YOU.
SAY IT FOR ME, PLEASE.
MY... COCK LOVES ME.
GOOD. GOOD.
IT LIKES TO HEAR YOU TALK TO IT.
CAN YOU FEEL THE ENERGY? WELL, YEAH.
CAN YOU FEEL THAT? MM-HMM.
OH, YES. (inhales sharply)
OH... (speaks foreign language)
OHH!
AH! OH, YES!
(rattling)
OH! OH... (speaks foreign language)
AH.
OH!
OH, YES!
OH!
OH, YES!
(panting)
OH, YEAH. COME ON, BABY.
(speaks indistinctly)
COME ON. RAISE UP FOR ME. (groans)
YES. COME ON. RAISE FOR ME.
(whimpers) ALL RIGHT. COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.
MY COCK LOVES ME. MY COCK LOVES ME. COME ON. YES.
MY COCK LOVES ME. MY COCK LOVES ME. OH, YES. (pants)
BREATHE, BREATHE. BREATHE. OH, YES.
COME ON. COME ON. COME ON. COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.
OH, YES! COME ON, BABY.
(object rattling)
(mutters)
DAMN!
OH, GOD.
OH! OH, THIS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
(pants)
THESE--THESE THINGS HAPPEN.
NOT TO ME.
(sighs)
HEY.
WILL YOU BE OKAY?
I JUST NEED TO BE ALONE.
(cell phone rings)
HEY.
THE NUBIAN JUST CALLED. I AM BEYOND UPSET.
OH. I'LL BE OKAY, LUTHER.
I'LL GET OVER THIS.
IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. SHE'S DEVASTATED.
SHE'S QUITTING THE BUSINESS.
BECAUSE OF ME? COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST FAKED IT?
Michael, minus the Nubian,
I AM OUT HERE WITHOUT A SAFETY NET.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
(sighs)
(cell phone clatters)
(doorbell rings)
(groans)
WE NEED TO TALK.
WE DO?
(door closes)
YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DO.
WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
YOU...
THE AFFAIR YOU'RE HAVING...
THE WAY YOU'RE FUCKING ME, BIG-TIME.
JOCE...
(glass clatters)
I-I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
WHOEVER COULD BRING THAT OUT IN YOU
MUST BE ONE FUCKING...
AMAZING WOMAN.
AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHO SHE IS.
YOU DO?
ME.
YOU?
(laughs)
YOU ARE FUCKING ADORABLE.
(laughs)
(chuckles)
(giggles)
(laughs)
IS THAT...
(laughs) IS THAT A COCK CANDLE?
YES. YES, IT IS.
DON'T TELL ME.
LUTHER.
YES.
COME HERE AND GIVE ME THE REAL THING.
OH.
I AM GONNA FUCK YOU LIKE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING ME.
OH.
(moans)
OH.
SO OUT OF THE BLUE, IT'S BACK.
KUDOS. SO WHAT ELSE IS COOKING?
THAT'S ALL THAT'S BEEN COOKING. IT'S BEEN A NIGHTMARE.
SOFT WITH LIZ. SUDDENLY, I'M HARD WITH JOCELYN.
I DIDN'T EVEN MENTION THIS ERECTION EXPERT
LUTHER SENT ME--
THIS 7-FOOT BLACK CHICK.
THE NUBIAN. SHE CAN RAISE THE DEAD.
YOU KNOW HER?
SHE GOT ME THROUGH TWO REALLY BAD DIVORCES.
LITTLE VIC WAS IN A SLUMP.
WELL, IT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME.
YEAH? OH, SHE'S GONNA TAKE THAT BAD.
COME ON. LET'S GET A BEER.
(sighs)
HEY, POP. YOU'VE HAD AFFAIRS, RIGHT?
HUH? WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
DID IT EVER MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY,
TO THE POINT WHERE IT KILLED YOUR SEX LIFE?
(laughs) NOTHING KILLS MY SEX LIFE.
YOU COULD SHOOT ME DEAD,
MY COCK WOULD JUST GROW A NEW BODY AND KEEP ON GOING.
IT WAS A SERIOUS QUESTION.
YOU PROBABLY JUST GOT SOME EMOTIONAL THING
BLOCKING YOUR COCK.
YOU KNOW, LIKE GIRLS GET.
THANK YOU, POP. I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW.
CAME BY TO GET SOME INSIGHT FROM MY FATHER.
HE TELLS ME I'M A GIRL. I'M GONNA GO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NO, STAY, STAY, STAY.
WHAT'S THAT, UM...
WHAT DO THEY CALL IT IN THE MILITARY?
UH... (snaps fingers)
AN EXIT STRATEGY.
YOU GOT AN EXIT STRATEGY FROM THIS AFFAIR WITH THE COP?
NO. YEAH. THERE YOU HAVE IT.
HAVE WHAT? THE REASON YOUR TELESCOPE WORKS WITH JOCE
AND DOESN'T WORK WITH THE COP.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
THIS IS THE KIND OF TOUCHY-FEELY STUFF
THAT MENTAL MEN LIKE YOU ADORE. OKAY.
WITH YOU AND LIZ...
SOMETHING IMPORTANT IS HAPPENING.
YOU'RE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
IT'S SOMETHING REAL.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY,
THEN IT'S NOT AN AFFAIR,
AND IF IT'S NOT AN AFFAIR, YOUR COCK IS IN OVER ITS HEAD.
SO IT'S RUNNING FOR COVER.
LIKE A SCOLDED DOG.
YOU GOTTA REMEMBER, SON,
YOUR COCK IS EINSTEIN.
YOU'RE JUST THE CHALKBOARD.
(chuckles)
AH.
OH.
HEY. HEY.
(laughs) HI, COUNSELOR.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
ABIGAIL TOLD ME YOU WERE HERE.
OH.
THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
YEAH?
IT'S BEEN BOTHERING ME THAT I COULDN'T...
PERFORM WITH YOU.
(laughs)
IT'S LIKE, IF I DIDN'T BOWL 300 EVERY TIME,
YOU'D FIND ANOTHER ALLEY, OR SOMETHING.
MICHAEL... (laughs) IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.
(laughs)
WHAT IS IT LIKE?
I DON'T KNOW. WE'RE JUST...
JUST YOU AND ME.
THAT'S ALL.
OUR BODIES ARE JUST SOMETHING TO SLIP IN TO
WHEN WE WANT TO TAKE THE TOP DOWN AND DRIVE FAST.
SO YOU'RE NOT DISAPPOINTED?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
THE WAY WE'VE BEEN GOING,
I'M SURPRISED IT DIDN'T BREAK OFF.
MAYBE JUST BOUGHT US A LITTLE TIME.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU SO SCARED OF?
THE SAME THING YOU ARE.
US.
THEN LET'S TELL US TO GO AWAY,
AND WE'LL JUST SPEND TIME WITH YOU AND ME.
MM.
OOH. (laughs)
WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
(laughs)
(moans)
AH. I LOVE THE WAY YOU KISS.
MM. I SCORED BIG IN THE MOUTH-TO-MOUTH
AT THE ACADEMY.
(laughs)
DID YOU EVER THINK THIS WAS MORE THAN JUST AN AFFAIR?
(chuckles) I ALWAYS DID.
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY--
OH, GOD. (laughs)
DO THEY HAVE ERECTIONS THERE?
OH, BIG ONES.
YEAH.
AS LONG AS WE'RE BEING HONEST...
YEAH.
DON'T EVER USE
A BOWLING ALLEY METAPHOR AGAIN.
IT JUST CHEAPENS EVERYONE.
(chuckles) OKAY?
UH-HUH.
MM-HMM.
(gasps and laughs)
OH.
(both moaning)