♪
(woman) ♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪
♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪
♪ THIS FUNNY THING ♪
♪ CALLED LOVE ♪
♪ JUST WHO CAN SOLVE ♪
♪ ITS MYSTERY? ♪
♪ WHY SHOULD IT MAKE ♪
♪ A FOOL OF ME? ♪
♪ I SAW YOU THERE ♪
♪ THAT WONDERFUL DAY ♪
♪ YOU TOOK MY LOVE ♪
♪ AND THREW IT AWAY ♪
♪ AND SO I ASK THE LORD ♪
♪ IN HEAVEN ABOVE ♪
♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪
♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪
♪ CALLED LOVE ♪
OHH! OH, GOD, WHERE ON EARTH
DID YOU GET THIS MAGNIFICENT THING?
VACATIONING IN HANOI...
OH, GOD! IN AN ANTIQUE SHOP
OWNED BY A MADAME WONG, OF ALL THINGS.
(grunts) (screams and laughs)
SHE WAS A GERMAN EROTICA BUFF AND A HUNCHBACK, ACTUALLY.
(grunts) AAH!
(laughs)
SHE BROUGHT OUT THIS JOY FUCK TUB,
AND WE'D CUT A DEAL OVER A PIPE OR A-- DON'T TALK!
I CAN FEEL MY SOUL MELTING. SPIN ME FASTER!
AAH! GO DEEPER! (grunting)
AAH! (grunting)
ONE MORE! ONE MORE!
AAH!
(grunts and laughs)
(laughing)
OHH.
OOH! OHH!
(grunts)
(both moaning)
LUTHER, I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR SPIN FUCK CHAIR.
PEMMIE, YOU ARE AN EPICURE OF RIVALED ROTATION.
OOH, YOU TALK THE WAY
A COCK WOULD HAVE HAD A DEGREE IN... (whispers) ENGLISH LIT.
YOU HAVE A LOT OF FIZZ IN YOUR DRINK, DON'T YOU?
I LOVE HAVING SEX WITH YOU.
IT'S LIKE ICE CREAM AND ZEBRAS.
YOU KNOW WHO WOULD LOVE THIS THING?
MICHAEL AND HIS SQUEEZE.
OH, YOU MEAN JOCELYN? SHE JUST MIGHT.
NO! NOT MY SISTER. YOU KNOW, HIS SQUEEZE.
HIS SQUEEZE! (grunts)
(coughs) YOU WOULDN'T TELL JOCELYN ANYTHING.
I MEAN, SHE'S ENGAGED TO MICHAEL. (laughs)
OH, LUTHER, I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH YOU, AND I'M MARRIED.
OH, MY GOD. YOU ARE?
(both laughing)
OH! DON'T YOU THINK IF I SAID SOMETHING,
IT WOULD GET US IN HOT WATER, MR. BIG BAD LUTHER?
OH, YES, IT WOULD. (chuckles)
ALL RIGHT, WELL, SHIT. I'M READY TO GO FOR ANOTHER SPIN.
OHH! OHH!
LET'S GO! LUTHER! SPIN IT!
(grunts and laughs) (screams)
YOU'RE MAKING WAY TOO MUCH OF THIS.
CAN WE JUST DROP IT?
FINE. DROPPED. OKAY.
NOT THAT FAST.
(chuckles) JOCE, IF YOU WANNA COME, YOU SHOULD.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
I'M JUST SAYING YOU'RE DRIVING TO SANTA BARBARA.
SPEND THE DAMN NIGHT.
OH, YOU SAID "DAMN." THAT MEANS YOU WANNA COME.
EMOTIONAL EMPHASIS. DEAD GIVEAWAY.
I CAN'T GO. I HAVE AN 8:00 A.M. BREAKFAST MEETING TOMORROW.
PROBLEM SOLVED.
OHH, SUCH A NICE VIEW FROM UP HERE.
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD ALMOST SEE YOUR FUTURE
IF YOU HAD A BIG ENOUGH TELESCOPE.
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
(chuckles) WELL, THINK ABOUT IT.
DO I HAVE TO? OH, FUCK.
OH! OH...
FUCK! OKAY, OKAY.
LET ME HELP.
MM.
I'M JUST NERVOUS.
I WANT THIS MEETING TO GO WELL IN SANTA BARBARA.
IT'LL GO PERFECTLY. YOU'LL BE THERE.
I HAVE TO... TALK TO YOUR DAD IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM.
OKAY, I'LL WALK YOU TO CLASS.
(chuckles)
HOLA, HOMBRES. I'D HAVE GOT HERE SOONER,
BUT I HAD TO PLAY HIDE-AND-SEEK
WITH HIGHWAY PATROL ALL THE WAY TO LAGUNA.
JOCE, WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS FACE?
(chuckles) MWAH.
WHAT'S IN THE BOX, POP?
MAGIC FROM THE WIZARD.
A BOMBER JACKET? WE EXPECTING AIR RAIDS?
FUCKIN' COMEDIAN. IT'S GOT THE NEW COMPANY LOGO ON IT.
PUT IT ON. GO ON.
PEOPLE LOVE THAT EVIL SHIT ALL OVER THEIR CLOTHES,
AND THE LUCIFER THING IS HOTTER THAN EVER.
I JUST READ IN "FORBES" THAT LUCKY DEVIL
IS THE NUMBER ONE OIL ADDITIVE
IN THE WESTERN STATES. (cell phone alert chimes)
LIFE--IT'S ALL ABOUT LUBRICATION.
(sighs)
SON? WE'RE HAVING A CONVERSATION HERE.
AH, IT'S CALLED WORK, POP.
HIGHLY OVERRATED.
MY CREDO--INVENT SHIT, LIVE OFF IT, HAVE FUN.
YOU LEFT OUT VODKA AS A FOOD GROUP.
I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.
I GOTTA GO MEET MR. DELACOURT IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM.
OH, WELL, I'LL DROP IN, SAY HELLO.
(sighs)
WELL, WHAT A SURPRISE.
(chuckles) VICTOR, HELLO.
HOW ARE THEY HANGIN', ARTIE?
WELL, PERHAPS TO EVERYONE'S RELIEF,
THEY KEEP THAT TO THEMSELVES. (chuckles)
READY FOR LUNCH, SWEETHEART?
ARTIE?
YOU'RE TALKING TO ME, RIGHT?
JUST BUSTIN' YOUR SILENT BALLS. (laughs)
UH, DAD, LOOK AT VIC'S NEW LOGO.
AH, MEPHISTOPHELES.
METAPHA-SOMETHING. IT'S SATAN. EXQUISITE.
YEAH. HEY, MICHAEL.
GIVE ME YOUR JACKET, HUH? I'LL GET YOU ANOTHER ONE.
OH, NO, NO. UH, LOOK, VICTOR, UH...
AH, YOU GOTTA TRY THIS ON. COME ON.
COME ON NOW.
YEAH.
YOU LOOK LIKE BAD PEOPLE, ARTIE.
WELL, I DO FEEL A BIT ROWDY. (chuckles)
(chuckles)
UH, LISTEN, UM, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US,
I HAVE TO HAVE A MOMENT ALONE WITH MICHAEL.
LIFE'S A BARBERSHOP. NEXT?
CALL ME.
NOW REMEMBER...
TONI POPE IS FORMIDABLE.
SHE DID NOT MARRY INTO HER BILLIONS.
SHE EARNED THEM THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.
SHE CRUSHED PEOPLE.
I'LL CALL IF IT GETS STICKY.
OH, IT'LL START STICKY, AND IT'LL DEVOLVE FROM THERE.
I'VE REPRESENTED THE WHITLOCKS FOREVER.
PROTECT 'EM.
THANKS FOR HUMORING MY DAD.
YEAH. I'LL MAKE SOME EXCUSE--
GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY FUCKING JACKET.
(chuckles)
MICHAEL STRATHMORE.
I'M MENTALLY UNDRESSING YOU.
Who is this?
DR. FEELGOOD.
WHERE ARE YOU? Home.
I GOT SUSPENDED. AGAIN? FOR WHAT?
BEING MYSELF.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT.
(sighs) BUSY?
ON MY WAY TO SANTA BARBARA FOR A BUSINESS MEETING.
MUST BE NICE TO HAVE PLANS,
PLACES TO GO, THINGS TO DO.
It is. You should try it.
YOU EVER BEEN TO SANTA BARBARA?
IS THIS A SURVEY OR AN INVITATION?
AN INVITATION.
LET ME THINK ABOUT IT. OKAY.
I'LL BE THERE IN 15 MINUTES. ARE WE SPENDING THE NIGHT?
YEAH. YOU MAN ENOUGH? (gruffly) YEAH. (chuckles)
BRING A NICE DRESS. HANDCUFFS?
ABSOLUTELY.
LUCKY DEVIL APP--
YOU HOLD IT UP TO YOUR CAR ENGINE,
AND IT TELLS YOU WHETHER OR NOT YOU NEED OIL.
IT'S ANOTHER $10 MILLION.
KEEP THIS TUB AFLOAT FOR ABOUT ANOTHER MONTH.
YOU KNOW THE GREAT THING ABOUT LIVING ON A BOAT?
YOU'RE ALWAYS IN THE SAME PLACE EVEN WHEN YOU'RE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
MY FIRST WIFE USED TO LIKE TO TAKE VACATIONS TOGETHER.
THAT'S A BAD FUCKING IDEA.
YOU GO SOMEWHERE TOGETHER,
IT MAKES IT LOOK LIKE YOU'RE UNAVAILABLE.
KNOCKS THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR OPPORTUNITIES.
ANYWAY, WOMEN ALWAYS WANNA TAKE TOO MUCH STUFF.
I SAY TRAVEL LIGHT--
MEGA CONDOMS AND A BONG.
LOVE THE GLOVES.
THEY'RE DRIVING GLOVES--
UNBORN CALF SKIN FROM DUSSELDORF.
DOES IT COME WITH AN EYE PATCH AND A WHIP?
HA HA.
THANKS FOR THE JAILBREAK, CLINT.
I THOUGHT ABOUT US GOING AWAY TOGETHER,
YOU KNOW, AT SOME POINT.
OH, YEAH? WHAT STOPPED YOU?
VORACIOUS GUILT?
NO. NO, NOT VORACIOUS.
JUST... CONSTANT.
SO TAKE ME BACK.
♪
ALL I KNOW IS SOME NEW GUY SWUNG BY
AND TOOK HER TO SANTA BARBARA,
AND SHE TOOK A DRESS.
WHAT KIND? SUMMERY.
HAVE THEY EVER BEEN TOGETHER FOR MORE THAN JUST ENOUGH TIME
TO HAVE AN ORGASM AND A BICKER?
OR IS IT BICKER AND HAVE AN ORGASM?
NO AND NO.
THIS HAS THE MAKINGS OF A REAL BLOODBATH.
PROXIMITY KILLS.
YOU NEVER KNOW. MAYBE THIS ONE WILL GO THE DISTANCE
LIKE THAT WEEKEND I HID OUT WITH SINATRA.
WITH LIZ, THINGS NEVER GO THE DISTANCE.
SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND-- THAT GUY HIGHWAY.
THAT'S A DISTANCE.
SHE DATED HIM FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF,
AND EVEN THAT WAS TENSE. THEY ALL END WITH HER.
THEY HAVE TO. WHY?
BECAUSE... SORRY. I CAN'T TELL YOU. I SWORE.
IT'S A SECRET.
INTERESTING.
I'M GONNA GET A SODA. YOU WANT SOMETHING? OH, YEAH. UH...
GRAB ME ONE OF THOSE
DOUBLE ESPRESSO STROKE IN A CAN THINGS.
I GOTTA TAKE A LEAK. OKAY.
WOMEN'S IS LOCKED. I-I COULDN'T WAIT.
WOMEN'S ROOM WAS OPEN. I SAW.
I LIED.
CHECK YOU FOR CONTRABANDS.
MMM.
HOMELAND SECURITY. (panting)
(gasps)
MMM.
(both moaning)
AHH. MMM.
AAH!
(moaning)
(unzips pants)
(gasps)
MMM.
(both moaning)
AAH!
(gasps)
(grunting)
(both moaning)
AAH! (exhales)
(grunting)
(dryer whirring)
(continues grunting)
AAH! AAH!
(grunting)
OH, GOD! (exhales)
(panting)
I ALWAYS WANTED TO STAY HERE.
YEAH, WELL, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR VORACIOUS GUILT?
IT'LL BE WAITING FOR ME BACK IN L.A.
YOU WANNA USE THE ROOM TO FRESHEN UP?
AND WASH YOU OFF ME?
I LOVE THE WAY I SMELL AFTER WE FUCK.
(chuckles) I'LL LEAVE A KEY FOR YOU AT THE DESK.
WE SHOULD BE DONE AROUND 5:00, 5:30.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WALK AROUND. SEE IF OPRAH IS IN TOWN.
STRATHMORE.
MR. WHITLOCK, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
ARTHUR SENDS HIS APOLOGIES.
NOT A PROBLEM.
SO... TONI POPE. WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT?
110 POUNDS OF PURE, UNMITIGATED TESTICLE CHOPPING.
ARTHUR TELLS ME SHE FLEW IN
IN HER G5 TWO YEARS AGO FROM KETCHUM
AND STARTED WRITING CHECKS.
FIRST ONE WAS FOR $40 MILLION FOR THE CHAMBER RANCH,
AND SHE HASN'T PUT DOWN HER PEN DOWN SINCE.
WHY DOES SHE WANT YOUR NEWSPAPER SO BAD?
BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T HAVE IT,
AND WE HAVEN'T BEEN PARTICULARLY KIND.
ACTUALLY, YOU'VE BEEN COCK SUCKERS.
(sighs) DON'T HOLD BACK, TONI. SAY HELLO TO MICHAEL STRATHMORE.
WHY?
BECAUSE I'M REPRESENTING HIM.
WHERE'S ARTHUR DELACOURT?
HE'S HIDING. YOU SCARED HIM.
HE SENDS HIS REGRETS. HE TOLD ME TO HANDLE THIS.
THIS? OR ME?
HE WASN'T SPECIFIC.
SHOULD WE GO UP TO MY SUITE?
FOR WHAT? I'D RATHER NOT BE SPECIFIC.
THINK IT'S EASY BEING VENERABLE?
(scoffs)
PEOPLE EXPECT YOU TO BE... SOPHISTICATED AND, UH...
DIPLOMATIC...
SAGE.
I HATE THAT SHIT.
I USED TO BE A GREAT WHITE. PEOPLE DREADED ME.
(pouring drink) THEY, UH...
(sets glass down) RAN FOR THE BEACH SCREAMING.
(chuckles) (clink, thud)
BACK THEN, SOMEONE ASKED ME... (ice cubes rattle)
"HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?"
SO I DIVORCED HER.
(chuckles)
THOSE WERE GREAT TIMES.
NOW I'VE GOT ALL THE ACCOUTREMENTS.
I'VE GOT THE DISTINGUISHED HAIR.
I'VE GOT THE BESPOKE SUITS,
AND, UH...
ALCOHOLISM.
(ice cubes rattle)
IT'S A FUCKING AMERICAN DREAM.
MR. WHITLOCK'S NEVER GONNA LET YOU CHANGE THE NAME
OF HIS NEWSPAPER.
IT'S BEEN IN THE WHITLOCK FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS.
WELL, IT BORES MY ASS OFF.
AND WHAT DOES HE CARE ABOUT TRADITION?
HE DOESN'T EVEN WEAR SOCKS. I THINK YOU'RE MISJUDGING HIM.
I DON'T MISJUDGE MEN.
I KNOW EXACTLY WHO DONNIE IS.
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, TOO, MICHAEL STRATHMORE.
WHO AM I?
SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S GOT GOING FOR HIM,
WHO'S CONFUSED, WHO'S TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HIS NEXT MOVE.
(chuckles) HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU FOR THE SESSION?
TAKE IT OUT OF YOUR FIRST WEEK'S PAY.
COME WORK FOR ME.
I'M HAPPY WHERE I AM.
(scoffs) SAY THAT AGAIN,
BUT THIS TIME, BE CONVINCING.
(sighs)
WHAT'S IT GONNA BE, TONI?
THE NAME CHANGE-- IT'S NEVER GONNA FLY.
IT'S A SENTIMENTAL ISSUE WITH THE WHITLOCKS.
SENTIMENTAL?
THE WHITLOCKS HAVE BATTERY ACID IN THEIR VEINS.
ADD ANOTHER MILLION.
THAT OFFER IS GOOD FOR ONE MORE HOUR.
I WILL CONVEY THAT TO MY CLIENT.
AND ONE MORE THING. (sniffs)
THAT WAS WAY OUT OF LINE.
YEAH, I KNOW.
WHO DOES YOUR BOX?
I DO.
I PAY A JAMAICAN MAN 300 BUCKS,
BUT I LIKE YOURS BETTER.
I HEAR THAT A LOT.
ANYWAY...
I'M DOING BUSINESS WITH THIS GUY THAT I JUST REALLY WANNA FUCK.
SO FUCK HIM.
DID YOU SEE THAT MOVIE "BLACK SWAN"?
WHAT'D YOU THINK ABOUT THE GIRL/GIRL STUFF?
(chuckles) THEY... IT COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER.
REALLY? HOW?
ARE YOU HERE ALONE? I'M HERE WITH SOMEONE.
THAT IS A SHAME,
'CAUSE I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TASTE THAT PUSSY.
(laughs) RAIN CHECK.
NO OFFENSE. OH, NONE TAKEN.
I'M HERE NEGOTIATING THIS DEAL, AND...
IT ALWAYS MAKES ME HORNY.
WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT MAKES YOU HORNY?
EVERYTHING.
ONE MORE GLASS, PLEASE.
HOPE YOU DON'T MIND. I HAVE A FRIEND JOINING US.
(clears throat)
TONI POPE.
ON BEHALF OF THE WHITLOCK FAMILY,
MAY I SAY THIS DEAL HAS BEEN UGLY AND DEGRADING?
BUT YOUR GENEROUS NEW OFFER HAS MADE IT ALL BETTER.
HMM. (chuckles)
(clink)
USE THE MONEY TO IMPROVE YOURSELF, DONNIE.
BUY SOME SOCKS.
DON WHITLOCK, TONI POPE, THIS IS LIZ.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
SAME HERE.
SO WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO, LIZ? ARE YOU A MODEL? ACTOR?
COP.
INTERESTING. DANGEROUS JOB.
I HAD SOME... CLOSE SHAVES.
OH, THIS WORKED OUT GREAT. MY BOSS IS GONNA BE THRILLED.
I HAVE A FEELING SHE LOOKS GREAT NAKED.
REALLY? YEAH.
I'VE GOT INSTINCTS ABOUT PEOPLE.
SHE'S A STREET FIGHTER.
I THINK SHE'D BE FUN TO HANG OUT WITH.
(chuckles) TONI POPE DOES NOT HAVE FUN.
TONI POPE WINS AND THEN EXECUTES HER PRISONERS.
(scoffs) SUCH A SMART GUY. YOU KNOW SHIT ABOUT PEOPLE.
OKAY. WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
(scoffs) NOTHING.
WOW, THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN YOU
AFRAID TO SPEAK YOUR MIND.
OH, I'M NEVER AFRAID TO SPEAK MY MIND.
I'M JUST AFRAID THAT YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT.
TRY ME.
(chuckles) FORGET IT.
I JUST GOT SUSPENDED FOR FOLLOWING MY INSTINCTS
AND SPEAKING MY MIND.
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE PLAYING GAMES WITH ME.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT'S ON MY MIND?
YEAH.
COME HERE. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S ON MY MIND.
MM-HMM.
YOU'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT WHAT A BARRACUDA
THIS TONI POPE IS, WHAT A TOUGH CUSTOMER.
YOU KNOW WHO GIVES ME THE CREEPS?
YOUR GUY WHITLOCK. THAT'S A BULLSHIT ARTIST.
NO, YOU'RE WRONG. I KNOW THIS GUY.
YOU JUST THINK YOU DO.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR THIS PRIMER
ON THE ART OF HUMAN RELATIONS.
NOW IF I DON'T SEEM ENTIRELY GRATEFUL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME. LET ME TELL YOU HOW I THINK.
I THINK THAT YOU'VE BEEN ON THE STREETS A LITTLE TOO LONG.
NOT EVERYONE'S A PERP.
COME ON. WE GOT AN HOUR AND A HALF DRIVE AHEAD OF US.
YOU THINK THEY'LL GET MAD IF I TAKE THIS ROBE?
WHAT ABOUT THE SHAVING MIRROR IN THE BATHROOM?
I COULD UNSCREW IT FROM THE WALL.
OH, THAT WILL LOOK GREAT IN MY BEDROOM.
COME HELP ME LIFT IT.
(zips bag)
(cell phone rings)
(ring)
YEAH. LUTHER.
DEAL'S DONE.
AH, WHITLOCK'S WALKING AWAY WITH AN EXTRA MILLION.
WHAT?
YEAH, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
(beep)
WHITLOCK FUCKED US.
TONI WAS JUST HIS STALKING HORSE.
HE USED HER TO JUICE UP HER OFFER,
THEN HE SOLD IT HALF AN HOUR LATER
TO SOMEBODY HE ALREADY HAD LINED UP.
DELACOURT JUST FIRED HIS ASS AS A CLIENT.
MOTHERFUCKER! (bag thuds)
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW? I'LL GO OVER AND BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF HIM.
YOU WANT MY GUN?
(scoffs)
(chuckles)
HEY... THANKS.
FOR WHAT?
FOR NOT SAYING...
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT THINGS.
♪