1 00:00:05,270 --> 00:00:08,120 [theme music] 2 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:46,520 Can I help you? 3 00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:50,400 I would like to purchase one of your material objects. 4 00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:52,090 -Books. -Books. 5 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,520 Let us discuss my purchase in a private place, 6 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,800 because I am buying, uh... 7 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:00,720 Pornography? 8 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,680 Pornography. 9 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,080 Gabriel, come into my back room. 10 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:09,760 We humans are extremely easily embarrassed. 11 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:13,160 We must buy our pornography secretively. 12 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,060 Human beings are so simple... 13 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,240 and so easily fooled. 14 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:20,520 [laughs] Yes. 15 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:22,520 Ahem, good job. You-- You fooled them all. 16 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,520 You remember Sandalphon? 17 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,360 Uh... Sodom and Gomorrah. 18 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:28,720 You were doing a lot of smiting 19 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,000 and turning people into salt. 20 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,200 Hard to forget. 21 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:33,360 [sniffing] 22 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:36,520 Something smells...evil. 23 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:42,000 Oh, that'll be the Jeffrey Archer books, I'm afraid. 24 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:43,400 Well, we just wanted to stop by 25 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,210 and check on the status of the Antichrist. 26 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:47,560 Why? What's wrong? 27 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,960 I-- I mean, if there is something wrong, 28 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:51,800 I could put my people onto it. 29 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,800 [Gabriel] Nothing's wrong. Everything's going perfectly. 30 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,080 There's a lot happening. All good. 31 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:58,280 All good? 32 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:01,560 Well, all going according to the Divine Plan. 33 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:03,560 The Hell Hound has been set loose, 34 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,880 and now the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are being summoned. 35 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,600 Death, Pollution, Famine, War. 36 00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:10,840 Right. 37 00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:13,000 Who exactly summons them? 38 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:14,400 Not my department. 39 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,200 I believe we outsource that sort of thing. 40 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,040 About time, that's what I say. 41 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,520 You can't have a war without War. 42 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:25,840 Sandalphon, that is very good. 43 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:29,920 You can't have a war without War. 44 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,920 I might use that. Huh? 45 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,410 Anyway... 46 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:36,360 no problems? How was the Hell Hound? 47 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,480 I-- I didn't stick around to see. 48 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,920 Thank you for my pornography! 49 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,000 [Gabriel laughs] 50 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:43,690 Excellent job. 51 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,560 "You can't have a war without War." 52 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:48,960 Clever. 53 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:50,440 [chuckles] 54 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,280 Welcome back. Now, the government's foreign affairs spokesman 55 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,600 will be here to comment on the recent increase 56 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:08,320 in international tensions. 57 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,760 But first, do you know what's in your fridge? 58 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,360 Morning, Crowley. 59 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,120 [Ligur] Just checking in. 60 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:15,520 Nice chair. 61 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:16,720 Hey, guys. 62 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:18,480 It's about the Antichrist. 63 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,080 Yeah. Great kid. Takes after his dad. 64 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,040 [Hastur] Our operatives in the State Department 65 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,480 have arranged for the child's family 66 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:26,280 to be flown to the Middle East. 67 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:27,720 [Ligur] There, he and the Hell Hound 68 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,640 will be taken to the Valley of Megiddo. 69 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,840 [Hastur] The Four Horsemen will begin their final ride. 70 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,160 -Yay. -Armageddon will begin. 71 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,200 The final combat. 72 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,320 It's what we've been working towards since we rebelled. 73 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,320 We are the fallen. 74 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,960 Never forget that. 75 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:45,520 Well, it's not the sort of thing you forget. 76 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,560 [whispers] I don't trust you, Crowley. 77 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:50,560 Everything's going just fine. 78 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:53,960 I didn't mean to fall. 79 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,240 I just hung around the wrong people. 80 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:00,280 [God] Somebody has to summon 81 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,840 the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. 82 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:07,480 But they outsource that sort of thing these days. 83 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:08,920 Meet the Summoner. 84 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,440 He has four items to deliver in his van. 85 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,280 He works for the International Express Company. 86 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:18,360 And he's about to make his first delivery in a former war zone. 87 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:24,600 Sometimes, despite everything, peace breaks out. 88 00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:27,310 People get tired of fighting, and pain, and death, 89 00:04:27,390 --> 00:04:29,960 and are willing to start all over again. 90 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,760 Excuse me, who are you? 91 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:36,000 Carmine Zingiber. National World Weekly. 92 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:37,080 War correspondent. 93 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:40,000 Well, this is good, my friend. 94 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,160 It is good that a member of the world press is here 95 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,080 to see us sign the peace accord. 96 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,960 [laughs] 97 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:51,760 Right, well, if you'd like to sign this first, Your Highness, 98 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:54,560 and then the Prime Minister, then the Supreme Leader, 99 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:56,320 then we'll get a photograph of all three of you together. 100 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,320 Wait. He signs first? 101 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:01,080 It is just a formality who signs first. 102 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,200 A formality? You make me a laughingstock in my country, 103 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,080 and you call that a formality? 104 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:08,960 [laughs] Somebody has to sign the peace agreement first. 105 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:11,200 They do, and it's me. 106 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,080 [guns cock] 107 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,320 Oh, don't mind me, ladies and gents. 108 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,480 Oh, what a day, eh? 109 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:23,960 Nearly didn't find the place. 110 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,720 Someone doesn't believe in signposts, eh? 111 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,040 Package for you, miss. 112 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,840 You, uh... you have to sign for it. 113 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,320 Well, it's a lovely place you got here. 114 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,480 Yeah, I always wanted to come here on my holidays. 115 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,240 -Finally. -Put it down. 116 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,400 Oh, you sweet thing. 117 00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,240 That's not gonna happen, is it? 118 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:03,050 Sorry, folks. 119 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,240 I'd love to stay and get to know you all better... 120 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:08,240 but duty calls. 121 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,720 [gunshots] 122 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,360 [God] She's the first of four. 123 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,360 And you can't have a war without her. 124 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,720 She's been killing time for so long now. 125 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,640 Time, and sometimes people. 126 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:33,320 And now, 60 centuries of waiting are about to end. 127 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,320 [theme music] 128 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,560 [God] This is also the story of a witch, 129 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,640 a Witchfinder, and a book. 130 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,840 And that story starts about 360 years ago, 131 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,640 with the last witch burning in England. 132 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:15,960 [Maggs] Witchfinder Major Pulsifer, all is prepared. 133 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,280 Where is the hag? 134 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,000 In her cottage. She suspects nothing. 135 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,840 I thought you'd tested her with a pin. 136 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,840 We did. Regulation-issue Witchfinder's pin. 137 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,720 -Pricked her all over. -And what was the result? 138 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,400 She said it cured her arthritis. 139 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:31,520 Hmm. 140 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,480 Of what else is she accused? 141 00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:35,440 Predicting the future, mostly. 142 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:36,880 She told Mistress Bulcock 143 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,200 that Adultery would be coming to town. 144 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,560 Such nonsense. 145 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:42,920 That's you, isn't it? 146 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,420 It's not me. 147 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:47,840 My given name, Witchfinder Private Maggs, 148 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,840 is Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. 149 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,400 But you can call me "Witchfinder Major Pulsifer". 150 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,680 So they don't call you "Adultery Pulsifer"? 151 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,040 They do not. 152 00:09:01,670 --> 00:09:03,720 [Agnes] Good milkman... 153 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,240 bring no more milk, 154 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:06,600 not this day or ever, 155 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,480 for today I am to die in flames. 156 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,600 Yours, Agnes Nutter. 157 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:18,920 P.S. My best wishes to your wife. 158 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,160 [chanting outside] Witch! Witch! 159 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:24,560 They're late. 160 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,480 [Pulsifer] She runs, I have heard tell, 161 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,440 with no one pursuing her. 162 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,720 Aye. She says running each morning 163 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,280 in an unladylike manner around the village 164 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:36,840 doth improve her health. 165 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,480 Monstrous. 166 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,480 Perhaps invisible demons pursue the witch as she runs. 167 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,960 No, she says it's good for you. 168 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,000 She said we should get more fibre in our diet. 169 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:51,360 I told her, I said, it's hard enough picking out the gravel. 170 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,920 Aye, she is obviously mad. 171 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,120 But how can we be certain she is a witch? 172 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,800 She cured me of the howling pox. 173 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,720 And cured my son of the bloody flux. 174 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:03,480 Obviously, a witch. 175 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:05,320 [all] Witch. 176 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,560 Witch. 177 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,440 Witch. 178 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,120 Witch. 179 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:17,920 Adultery Pulsifer... 180 00:10:19,050 --> 00:10:20,120 good people, 181 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,840 thou art tardy. 182 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,040 I should have been aflame 10 minutes since. 183 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:26,320 Right. 184 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,160 Mistress Nutter? 185 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:30,680 -[woman] Hey! -[Pulsifer] Hey! 186 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,040 -[scoffs] -[woman] Oi! 187 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:34,680 [crowd chattering] 188 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,720 [people chattering] 189 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,600 This is most irregular, Mistress Nutter. 190 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,880 Gather thee right close, good people. 191 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:09,200 Come close until the fire near scorch ye, 192 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,480 for I charge ye that all must see 193 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:14,480 how the last true witch in England dies. 194 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:17,720 And let my death be a message to the world. 195 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:19,480 Come. 196 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:22,240 Come. Gather thee close, I say. 197 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:26,160 And mark well the fate of those who meddle 198 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,600 with such as they do not understand. 199 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:37,800 Oh, bugger. 200 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,720 [explosion] 201 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:48,920 [God] Among the folk from the next village, 202 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,080 there was much subsequent debate 203 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:56,160 as to whether this disaster had been sent by God or by Satan. 204 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:59,160 However, a note found in Agnes' cottage 205 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:02,560 suggested that any divine or devilish intervention 206 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:06,360 had been materially helped by Agnes' petticoats, 207 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:09,600 in which she had concealed 50 pounds of gunpowder 208 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,480 and 30 pounds of roofing nails. 209 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:14,960 Oh, bugger. 210 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:18,720 Agnes also left behind a box and a book. 211 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,120 They were to be given to her daughter and her son-in-law, 212 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,120 John and Virtue Device. 213 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:26,960 "Dear Mistress Nutter, 214 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,520 we take great pleasure in enclosing 215 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,680 your author's copy of your book. 216 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,640 We trust it will sell in huge numbers, 217 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:35,680 yea, and be reprinted even unto a second printing. 218 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:39,280 Yours, Bilton and Scaggs, publishers." 219 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:43,000 The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter. 220 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:47,400 "Reminiscent of Nostradamus at his best." 221 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,000 Ursula Shipton. 222 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:51,480 What does this mean, John? 223 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:54,200 It means, Virtue, that even though Agnes is dead, 224 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:56,080 we must study her book. 225 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,920 For your mother knew the future. 226 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,560 "Prophecy 2,214. 227 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,520 In December 1980, 228 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,760 an Apple will arise no man can eat. 229 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:19,640 Invest thy money in Master Jobbes's machine, 230 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,240 and good fortune will tend thy days." 231 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:25,520 Oh, I mean, this is balderdash. 232 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,120 [laughs] 233 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,760 [God] The book Agnes left behind her 234 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,960 was the sole prophetic work in all of human history 235 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:39,840 to consist entirely of completely correct predictions 236 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:43,680 concerning the following 350-odd years. 237 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:46,400 Being a precise and accurate description 238 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:50,440 of the events that would culminate in Armageddon. 239 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:53,530 It was on the money in every single detail. 240 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:58,200 On the night the Antichrist was born, in a house in Malibu, 241 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:01,840 Agnes Nutter's great-great-great -great-great granddaughter 242 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:04,120 was drawing on the title page. 243 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:08,080 And, metaphorically, the book had just begun to tick. 244 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:14,960 Okay, Anathema. Prophecy 2,214. 245 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,640 "In December 1980, 246 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:20,880 an Apple will arise that no man can eat." 247 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,480 That one's stupid, Mom. It doesn't mean anything. 248 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:29,080 My mom bought 5,000 shares in Apple in 1980. 249 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,600 That's worth $40 million today. 250 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:36,640 Okay, 2,213. 251 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:40,560 "Four shall ride, and three shall ride the sky as two, 252 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,840 and one shall ride in flames, 253 00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:45,440 and there shall be no stopping them. 254 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:50,000 Not fish, nor rain, neither devil or angel. 255 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,800 And ye shall be there also, Anathema." 256 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,520 You see? 257 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,120 She's got special plans for you, mi amor. 258 00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,080 Agnes gave us the easy job. 259 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,400 We just had to make sure everything was good for the family. 260 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:06,960 You're the one that's going to have to save the world. 261 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:13,640 [God] Meanwhile, in Dorking, Surrey, 262 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,940 Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Pulsifer's 263 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,760 great-great-great-great-great grandson 264 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:19,880 should have been in bed hours ago. 265 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,200 [thud] 266 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,400 Newton? 267 00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,320 It's after your bedtime, dear. 268 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:25,760 Just a few more minutes, Mum. 269 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:27,400 I'm putting the old computer back together. 270 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,120 You young scientists and your experiments. 271 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,960 It's not really an experiment, Mum. 272 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:33,480 I just changed the plug. 273 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,120 It'll work now. 274 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,480 [electricity zaps and crackles] 275 00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,720 [people chattering angrily] 276 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,660 I do hope the man from the electric isn't going to be upset again. 277 00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:45,000 -It's not fair. -Oh, don't worry, love. 278 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:46,790 It's not as if it's the end of the world. 279 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:51,120 I just wanted to say, well, good luck on the new job. 280 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,080 I hope it works out this time. 281 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,880 -I'm sure it'll be fine, Mum. -You've just been unlucky. 282 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,080 I made you sandwiches. 283 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,120 [phone ringing] 284 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,200 [woman] And you are? 285 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,720 Newton Pulsifer. Wages clerk. 286 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:10,960 I'm new. 287 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,760 Excuse me, I was just wondering, 288 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,920 is there a way that I could do this without putting it in the computer? 289 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,400 Is there a way of accessing the wages database... 290 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,000 without using a computer? 291 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,920 Or maybe someone could print it out for me, 292 00:16:26,940 --> 00:16:29,000 and then I could do the sums on paper. 293 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:30,760 [spoon clanging on cup] 294 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:37,840 Okay, who's excited by the training initiative? 295 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,560 Let's see some hands. Yeah? 296 00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:42,120 Just so that you know, Norman, 297 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,000 I've registered a complaint with HR 298 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,680 about this whole training initiative nonsense. 299 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,040 It's a team-building exercise, Janice. 300 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,840 And, um, just so as you know, 301 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,720 there's no "I" in "team", yeah? 302 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,520 But there's two "I's" in "building", Nigel. 303 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:57,960 And an "I" in "exercise". 304 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,560 [Nigel] Yeah. Alright. 305 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:02,440 So, can I have everybody's attention, please? 306 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,930 Sorry, I've just got to hit return and I'll be with you. 307 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,120 [computers powering down] 308 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,040 -[man] Oh! -[Newton] Uh-oh. 309 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:14,000 Sorry, just not very good with computers. 310 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,520 Need a hand, Dick? 311 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,190 My name's not actually Dick. It's the car's name. 312 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:26,600 You can ask me why, if you like. 313 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:38,840 Hello. 314 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,440 "Athaneema Device"? 315 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,160 Anathema Device. It's an old family name. 316 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:47,520 Purpose of your visit to the United Kingdom? 317 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:50,280 Well, I'm commanded by an ancient family prophecy. 318 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,120 I'm going to use all the wisdom and witchcraft at my disposal 319 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,960 to hunt down the heart of darkness, 320 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,520 and then do all that I can to destroy it 321 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,280 before it brings about the end of the world. 322 00:17:58,360 --> 00:17:59,640 I'm sorry? 323 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,120 Vacation. 324 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:04,280 [Newton] Hello, Mum. 325 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,200 The new job? 326 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,400 Yeah, it's going really well. 327 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,430 They're great. They love me. 328 00:18:11,460 --> 00:18:13,040 [man] Walk past them with your noses in the air. 329 00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:14,520 Bye, Mum. 330 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,040 There's only one thing we have to fear, you sissies, 331 00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:21,040 and it's not global warming, and it's not nuclear Armageddon. 332 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:24,200 Can anyone here tell me what it is? 333 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:25,840 Ha! You don't answer. 334 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,040 You don't answer, because you know it's true. 335 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,000 They are hidden in our midst. 336 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:33,640 I'm the thin red line that stands between humanity and the darkness. 337 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:36,280 -Yea, I'm talking about-- -Witches? 338 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:39,280 Aye, witches. 339 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,040 They lurk behind a facade of righteousness. 340 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,280 And there's naebody can stop them... 341 00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,000 but me. 342 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:50,400 In the old days, Witchfinders were respected. 343 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:52,280 Matthew Hopkins, Witchfinder General... 344 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,920 [laughs] 345 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,040 ...he used to charge each town and village ninepence 346 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,110 for every witch he found. 347 00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,760 And they paid. 348 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:02,840 Are you, um, Witchfinder General? 349 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,440 Oh, I am not. 350 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,880 There is no longer a Witchfinder General. 351 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,920 Nor is there a Witchfinder Colonel, 352 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,520 a Witchfinder Major, not even a Witchfinder Captain. 353 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:15,280 There is, however, a Witchfinder Sergeant. 354 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:16,880 And you're looking at him. 355 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,760 Well, pleased to meet you, Mr Shadwell. 356 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:23,280 Um, cup of tea. Nine sugars. 357 00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:25,480 And a packet of cheese and onion crisps. 358 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:26,880 [food truck proprietor] Coming right up. 359 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,090 Get your wallet out, laddie. 360 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:32,120 Bit of advice: you never want to appear tight-fisted 361 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,480 on first acquaintance. 362 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:38,280 -[man] Thank you. -And it's not "Mr Shadwell". 363 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,680 It's "Sergeant". Witchfinder Sergeant Shadwell. 364 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:43,640 What's your name, lad? 365 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,760 Newton. Newton Pulsifer. 366 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,040 Pulsifer? 367 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,680 That's a familiar name, now you mention it. 368 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,760 You have your own teeth? 369 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:55,440 Yes. 370 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,240 -How many nipples have you got? -What? 371 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,000 Nipples, laddie. How many? 372 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,880 Um, just the usual two. 373 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,480 Okay... 374 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,280 Be here at 11:00 tomorrow. 375 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:09,720 Bring scissors. 376 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,120 Just put it there. Thanks so much. 377 00:20:43,740 --> 00:20:45,810 What a gorgeous village, huh? 378 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:47,840 Thank you. 379 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:49,680 Hmm... 380 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:12,520 Right. 381 00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:14,480 To work. 382 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:18,760 Easy job. 383 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:21,120 Deliver the Antichrist. Keep an eye on him. 384 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,290 Nice, straightforward job, eh? 385 00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:28,300 Not the kind of thing any demon is going to screw up, right? 386 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:32,440 [God] The only things in the flat Crowley devotes any personal attention to 387 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,280 are the houseplants. 388 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,520 He had heard about talking to plants in the early '70s, 389 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:40,200 and thought it an excellent idea. 390 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:44,880 Although "talking" is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley does. 391 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,200 [Crowley] Is that a spot? 392 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:49,920 Is it? 393 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:55,800 Right, you know what I've told you all about leaf spots. 394 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:58,220 I will not stand for them! 395 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,040 You know what you've done. 396 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,000 You've disappointed me. 397 00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:14,120 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. 398 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,080 Everyone! 399 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,080 Say goodbye to your friend. 400 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:20,160 He just couldn't cut it. 401 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:26,480 Now, this is going to hurt you so much more than it will hurt me. 402 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:30,760 And you guys, grow better! 403 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:34,040 [God] What he does is put the fear of God into them. 404 00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,640 More precisely, the fear of Crowley. 405 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:38,400 The plants are the most luxurious, 406 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:41,160 verdant and beautiful in London. 407 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,720 Also, the most terrified. 408 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,480 [garbage disposal whirring] 409 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:07,280 The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter? 410 00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:09,200 I'm so sorry, I can't help you. 411 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,920 [scoffs] Well, of course I know who she was. 412 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,120 Born 1600, exploded 1656. 413 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:18,050 But there are no copies of her book available. 414 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:22,360 No, I can't name my price. I don't have it. 415 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:24,120 Nobody has-- 416 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:29,040 Well, there really is no need for that kind of language. 417 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,400 [hangs up phone] 418 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:37,280 [bell rings] 419 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,120 [bell continues ringing] 420 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,200 Um, hello. 421 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,960 I'm here about the advert in the paper. 422 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:54,280 Well, Madame Tracy draws aside the veil 423 00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:56,560 every afternoon except Thursdays. 424 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:59,120 I think there must be another advert. 425 00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:01,640 Oh, right. 426 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:04,520 Come in, dear. You're lucky. 427 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,160 One of my regulars had to cancel. 428 00:24:07,740 --> 00:24:11,680 Now, I don't do anything kinky except by prior arrangement. 429 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:16,000 And my knees aren't what they were. 430 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:19,000 Also, if it's strict discipline you'll be wanting, 431 00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,440 you'd better tell me now because it can take me half an hour 432 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,320 to squeeze into the leather pinny. 433 00:24:23,930 --> 00:24:25,350 I'm sorry? 434 00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:30,360 Are you not here for intimate personal relaxation 435 00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:33,280 and stress relief for the discerning gentleman? 436 00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:35,960 No. 437 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,960 I'm here to join the Witchfinder Army. 438 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:39,560 Oh! 439 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:42,200 Mr Shadwell said he was expecting a visitor. 440 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:49,160 It's just been him for so long. 441 00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:52,720 Aye. 442 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:56,160 It's your new recruit, Mr Shadwell, look. 443 00:24:56,170 --> 00:24:57,220 Away with you, harlot. 444 00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,760 Scarlet woman. Jezebel. 445 00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:02,720 Oh, Mr Shadwell. 446 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,040 I'll bring you both tea. 447 00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:06,520 Milk and sugar, dear? 448 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,600 [Shadwell] He's in the army now, Jezebel. 449 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:10,640 -He'll make his own tea. -[door closes] 450 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,800 Welcome to the Witchfinder Army, new recruit. 451 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:23,240 You are, as of now, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer. 452 00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:26,120 We used to be powerful. 453 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:27,480 We used to be important. 454 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:29,920 -Oh. -Condensed milk, lad. 455 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,560 -And I take-- -Nine sugars. 456 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:34,440 Exactly. 457 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:36,520 We were the line of fire 458 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:38,960 between the darkness and the poor unsuspecting folk 459 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:40,480 who don't believe in witches. 460 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:43,520 -Hmm! -But, Sergeant Shadwell, 461 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:46,000 don't the churches do that these days? 462 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:47,760 Nay, laddie. 463 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,680 Against the darkness? 464 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,240 It's a war. 465 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,200 And you know what our first weapon is? 466 00:25:55,640 --> 00:26:00,640 Oh! The Thundergun of Witchfinder Colonel "Get 'em before they get you" Dalrymple? 467 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:01,960 Nay, laddie. 468 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:04,280 That'll never be used again. 469 00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:06,160 Not in this degenerate age. 470 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:08,920 Very good. 471 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:10,640 And you know what we do with them? 472 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:16,120 No, lad. 473 00:26:19,140 --> 00:26:20,440 We read. 474 00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:22,910 And we cut. 475 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:25,480 [phone ringing] 476 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,600 [Crowley, over machine] Hey, this is Anthony Crowley. 477 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:31,560 You know what to do. Do it with style. 478 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:32,840 [answering machine beeps] 479 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:34,680 [Aziraphale] No leads yet my end. 480 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:36,480 Anything at your end? 481 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:39,000 Listen, I have sort of an idea. 482 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,000 What? 483 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,040 [Aziraphale] Ah, hello. When you did the baby swap 11 years ago, 484 00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:44,840 could something have gone wrong? 485 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:46,160 What? 486 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,160 -[tyres squealing] -[car horn honks] 487 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:55,560 -You've lost the boy. -"We've" lost him. 488 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:57,480 A child has been lost. 489 00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,560 -But you still know his age-- -"We" know. 490 00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,280 His birthday. He's 11. 491 00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:04,120 -You make it sound easy. -Well, it can't be that hard. 492 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,160 I just hope nothing's happened to him. 493 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:07,640 Happened? Nothing's happened to him. 494 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:09,200 He happens to everything. 495 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:13,280 So, we only have to find his birth records. 496 00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:16,120 Go through the hospital files. 497 00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:18,920 -And then what? -And then we find the child. 498 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:20,840 And then what? 499 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:22,480 -Watch out for that pedestrian. -[car horn honks] 500 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:24,840 She's on the street. She knows the risk she's taking. 501 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:26,930 Just watch the-- Watch the road. 502 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,880 Wh-Where is this hospital, anyway? 503 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,200 A village near Oxford, Tadfield. 504 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:36,420 Crowley, you can't do 90 miles per hour in Central London. 505 00:27:36,470 --> 00:27:38,080 -Why not? -You'll get us killed. 506 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,040 Well, inconveniently discorporated. 507 00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:46,560 Music. Why don't I put on a little... music? 508 00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:48,880 What's a Velvet Underground? 509 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,360 You wouldn't like it. 510 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:52,360 Oh. Bebop. 511 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:54,320 -[car horn honking] -Yah! 512 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:58,620 [doorbell jingles] 513 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:03,280 I still can't believe your dad let you keep him, Adam. 514 00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:05,280 Actually, when I found a cat 515 00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:08,560 we had to put up a notice saying we found a lost cat, 516 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:09,950 and then we had to give her back. 517 00:28:09,980 --> 00:28:13,000 It's my birthday. And he wasn't wearing a collar. 518 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:15,040 And we asked, and nobody's reported a missing dog. 519 00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:18,320 Our dog doesn't like me. It pretends I'm not there. 520 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:22,000 Did you know that my cousin Charlotte says that in America, 521 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:26,600 they have shops that sell 39 different flavours of ice cream. 522 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:29,020 [God] Wensleydale's first name is Jeremy, 523 00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:30,880 but nobody's ever used it, 524 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:34,400 not even his parents, who call him "Youngster". 525 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:36,240 All that stands between Wensleydale 526 00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:39,400 and chartered accountancy is time. 527 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,510 There aren't 39 different flavours of ice cream. 528 00:28:42,590 --> 00:28:46,270 There aren't 39 flavours of ice cream in the whole world. 529 00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:52,440 [God] Pepper's given first names were Pippin Galadriel Moonchild. 530 00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:55,240 She had been given them in a naming ceremony 531 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:58,040 in a muddy valley field that contained several sheep 532 00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:00,840 and a number of leaky polythene tents. 533 00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:03,680 Six months later, sick of the rain, the men, 534 00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:07,640 the sheep who ate first their marijuana crop and then their tents, 535 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:09,560 Pepper's mother returned to Tadfield 536 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:12,360 and enrolled in a Sociology course. 537 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,000 There could be, if you mixed them up. 538 00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:18,840 You know, strawberry and chocolate. 539 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:21,040 [God] Every gang needs a Brian. 540 00:29:21,120 --> 00:29:25,640 Always grimy, always supportive of anything Adam invents or needs. 541 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:26,960 [Brian] Vanilla and chocolate. 542 00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:28,680 Chocolate and vanilla. 543 00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,000 Strawberry and vanilla and chocolate. 544 00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:34,360 Anyway, nobody's going to take Dog away from me. 545 00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:37,000 We're together to the end. Aren't we, boy? 546 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:42,840 [Anathema] Eye of newt and tongue of dog, 547 00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:45,800 north by northwest. 548 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:47,200 There. 549 00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:50,240 And it's southwest. 550 00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:59,040 You must be here somewhere. 551 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:01,840 [Pepper] There's a witch moved in to Jasmine Cottage. 552 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:04,360 -[Brian] That's stupid. -[Pepper] It's not stupid, stupid. 553 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:08,000 Mrs Henderson told my mother that the lady there gets a witches' newspaper. 554 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:11,840 Excuse me. My father says there's no such thing as witches. 555 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:14,320 It makes sense that witches would have their own newspaper. 556 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:15,880 My dad gets the Angler's Times, 557 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:17,520 and I bet there's loads more witches than anglers. 558 00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:20,600 Shut up. I'm trying to tell you things. 559 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:23,560 It's called the Psychic News. 560 00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:25,320 She's a witch. 561 00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:28,760 Actually, there are no more witches, because we invented science 562 00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:31,520 and all the vicars set fire to the witches for their own good. 563 00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:33,640 It was called the Spanish Inquisition. 564 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:35,960 I don't reckon it's allowed, going round setting fire to people. 565 00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:38,360 Otherwise people'd be doing it all the time. 566 00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:41,320 It's alright if you're a vicar and it stops the witches from going to hell. 567 00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:43,920 So I expect they'd be quite grateful if they understood it properly. 568 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:46,440 We could be the new Spanish Inquisition. 569 00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:49,200 Actually, we can't be the Spanish Inquisition, 570 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:51,200 because we're not actually Spanish. 571 00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:54,040 I've been to Barcelona. I can teach you Spanish. 572 00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:56,120 They say "olé" a lot. 573 00:30:56,200 --> 00:30:59,000 We should practice before we start burning witches. 574 00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:01,760 We should start small and work our way up. 575 00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:03,450 Leave it to me. 576 00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:08,960 [Aziraphale] This is the Tadfield area. Does it look familiar yet? 577 00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:12,440 You know, it does. I think there's an air base around here somewhere. 578 00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:14,720 Air base? 579 00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:17,240 Well, you don't think American diplomats' wives 580 00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:19,560 usually give birth in little religious hospitals 581 00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:21,240 in the middle of nowhere, do you? 582 00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:23,840 No, it all had to seem to happen naturally, 583 00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:26,120 so there's an air base at Lower Tadfield. 584 00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:29,640 Things started to happen, base hospital isn't ready. 585 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:32,080 "Oh", our man there said. 586 00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:35,000 "There's a birthing hospital just down the road." 587 00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:36,960 And there we were. 588 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:39,120 Rather good organisation. 589 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:40,640 Flawless. 590 00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:42,360 It should have worked. 591 00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:48,160 Ah, but evil always contains the seeds of its own destruction. 592 00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:52,000 No matter how well-planned, how foolproof an evil plan, 593 00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:56,200 no matter how apparently successful it may seem upon the way, 594 00:31:56,280 --> 00:32:02,160 in the end it will founder on the rocks of iniquity and vanish. 595 00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:06,760 For my money it was just an ordinary cock-up. 596 00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:18,400 [Dog barking] 597 00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:20,760 -Hey, guys. -Hi. 598 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:22,000 Nice hat. 599 00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:23,960 Actually, we made it out of cardboard. 600 00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:25,200 It's for our game. 601 00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:27,640 Stylish. What are you guys playing? 602 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:30,960 -[Wensleydale] The British Inquisition. -Come on, Wensleydale. 603 00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:34,200 Sounds like fun. How does the game work? 604 00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:36,850 I am chief inquisitor. Brian is head torturer. 605 00:32:36,890 --> 00:32:37,960 And we're trying to find a witch. 606 00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:40,560 Oh. Sounds very sensible. 607 00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:44,040 -How do you do that? -[Adam] Watch. 608 00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:45,800 Art thou a witch? 609 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:47,520 Olé? 610 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,080 Yes? 611 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:53,720 You can't say yes. You've got to say no. 612 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:55,000 Then what? 613 00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:56,320 Then we torture you until you say yes. 614 00:32:56,400 --> 00:32:57,920 Wait, you're going to torture him? 615 00:32:58,000 --> 00:32:59,200 We built a torturing machine. 616 00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:07,040 It looks like a swing. 617 00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:10,520 But, obviously, in this situation, I actually am a witch. 618 00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:13,960 I have a big pointy hat, and we have a cat at home, and-- 619 00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:15,720 and I borrowed Mum's broom. 620 00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:17,840 [Pepper] Look, no one's saying you can't be a witch, 621 00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:19,920 but you just have to say you're not a witch. 622 00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:22,120 There's no point taking all this trouble 623 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:25,200 if you're going to go round saying yes the minute we ask you. 624 00:33:25,280 --> 00:33:27,280 -Just say no. -[Wensleydale] But-- 625 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:30,120 Art thou a witch, oh, evil crone? 626 00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:33,560 Excuse me, Adam, why must I do all the work? 627 00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:37,040 I'm being tortured here. Actually, this is very painful. 628 00:33:37,120 --> 00:33:39,440 I am thinking of admitting to being a witch. 629 00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:41,440 I'm going to go home if I can't have a go. 630 00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:43,680 Don't see why evil witches should have all the fun. 631 00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,240 [Wensleydale] You have to keep pushing. 632 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:48,160 -Hey, kid. -[Adam] Yeah? 633 00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:50,000 -Can I ask you something? -Yeah. 634 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:53,280 Are there any great beasts or strange things happening? 635 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:55,800 Well, there's Dog. I mean, he's a beast. 636 00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:56,880 Come on, Dog, say hello. 637 00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:58,520 [Dog whines, barks] 638 00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:00,040 Not what I was looking for. 639 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:02,240 [Adam] Hold on. I have to tell them what to do. 640 00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:05,800 All right, evil witch Wensleydale, don't do it again. 641 00:34:05,880 --> 00:34:08,920 And now you get off the torturing swing and let someone else have a turn. 642 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:10,360 Right, well, you kids are hilarious, 643 00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:12,920 but I'm going to keep looking, so, bye. 644 00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:28,880 [Aziraphale] Um, are you sure this is the right place? 645 00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:31,320 This-- This doesn't look like a hospital. 646 00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:32,760 And... 647 00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:35,600 [chuckles] 648 00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:38,600 ...it feels loved. 649 00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:41,850 No, it's definitely the place. 650 00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:43,920 What do you mean "loved"? 651 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:45,280 Well, I mean the opposite of when you say, 652 00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:48,120 "I don't like this place. It feels spooky". 653 00:34:48,240 --> 00:34:50,880 I don't ever say that. I like spooky. 654 00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:53,280 Big spooky fan, me. Let's go talk to some nuns. 655 00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:57,080 -[gunshot] -Ah! Oh! 656 00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:02,080 -[Crowley groans] -Blue? 657 00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:05,440 -Oh, it's paint. -[Tompkins] Hey! 658 00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:06,640 You've both been hit! 659 00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:08,480 [scoffs] 660 00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:10,840 I don't know what you think you're playing at right-- 661 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:12,800 Aah! 662 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:17,080 -Well, that was fun. -Well, yes, fun for you. 663 00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:19,520 Look at the state of this coat. 664 00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:23,400 I've kept this in tip-top condition for over 180 years now. 665 00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:25,520 I'll never get this stain out. 666 00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:28,520 -You could miracle it away. -Hmm... 667 00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:30,000 Yes, but... 668 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:33,520 well, I would always know the stain was there. 669 00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:37,040 Underneath, I mean. 670 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:46,080 Oh, thank you. 671 00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:49,360 Impressive hardware. 672 00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:54,120 I've looked at this gun. 673 00:35:54,160 --> 00:35:56,320 It's not a proper one at all. 674 00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:58,600 It just shoots paintballs. 675 00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:01,120 Don't your lot disapprove of guns? 676 00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:03,320 Unless they're in the right hands. 677 00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:06,560 Then they give weight to a moral argument. 678 00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:08,160 I think. 679 00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:11,120 A moral argument? Really? 680 00:36:11,160 --> 00:36:12,200 [gun thuds on ground] 681 00:36:12,240 --> 00:36:13,400 Come on. 682 00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:16,720 This is definitely the place. 683 00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:18,840 [God] Management training no longer meant 684 00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:21,760 watching half a dozen unreliable PowerPoint presentations. 685 00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:24,160 Firms these days expected more than that. 686 00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:27,080 They wanted to establish leadership potential, 687 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:29,400 group cooperation and initiative, 688 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:31,440 which allowed their employees to fire paintballs 689 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:34,280 at any colleagues who irritated them. 690 00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:36,560 Wonder where the nuns went. 691 00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:39,240 The brochure for Tadfield Manor Crowley is inspecting 692 00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:42,280 fails to contain any sentences along the lines of, 693 00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:45,330 "Until 11 years ago, the manor was used as a hospital 694 00:36:45,380 --> 00:36:49,080 by an order of Satanic nuns who weren't actually very good at it". 695 00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:56,080 Oh, Millie from Accounts caught me on the elbow. 696 00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:58,480 -Who's winning? -You're all going to lose. 697 00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:01,240 [machine-gun fire] 698 00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:04,440 What-- What the hell did you just do? 699 00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:06,560 Well, they wanted real guns, 700 00:37:06,600 --> 00:37:08,360 so I gave them what they wanted. 701 00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:12,960 [gunfire] 702 00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:15,240 I always said you couldn't trust those people from Purchasing. 703 00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:16,640 The bastards. 704 00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:26,400 There are people out there shooting at each other. 705 00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:30,240 Well, it lends weight to their moral argument. 706 00:37:30,240 --> 00:37:31,310 [glass shatters] 707 00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:32,440 Everyone has free will, 708 00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:33,960 including the right to murder. 709 00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:36,280 Just think of it as a microcosm of the universe. 710 00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:37,520 [machine-gun fire] 711 00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:39,600 I wanted to be a graphics designer, 712 00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:41,640 design LPs for the Rolling Stones, 713 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:43,560 but the careers teacher said he hadn't heard of them. 714 00:37:43,570 --> 00:37:44,580 [gunfire] 715 00:37:44,610 --> 00:37:49,240 So I spent 36 years double-checking form BF-18. 716 00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,440 They couldn't just say, "Oh, Norman, we're giving you early retirement. 717 00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:56,120 Have a watch, bugger off and tend your marigolds". 718 00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:58,120 Well, if they want war... 719 00:37:58,240 --> 00:38:00,040 we're going to give them war. 720 00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:03,600 Okay, guys, let's get the bastards. 721 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:13,640 They're murdering each other. 722 00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:16,880 No, they aren't. No one's killing anyone. 723 00:38:16,940 --> 00:38:19,080 They're all having miraculous escapes. 724 00:38:19,120 --> 00:38:20,720 It wouldn't be any fun otherwise. 725 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:23,600 [distant gunfire] 726 00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:25,120 You know, Crowley, 727 00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:28,400 I've always said that deep down, 728 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:30,520 you really are quite a nice-- 729 00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:31,800 Shut it! 730 00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:33,240 I'm a demon. I'm not nice. 731 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:35,400 I'm never nice. Nice is a four-letter word. 732 00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:37,400 -I will not have-- -[Mary] Excuse me, gentlemen. 733 00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:40,040 Sorry to break up an intimate moment. Can I help you? 734 00:38:44,100 --> 00:38:45,110 -You. 735 00:38:45,110 --> 00:38:47,120 Saints and demons preserve us, it's Master Crowley. 736 00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:49,240 [snaps fingers] 737 00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:51,160 You didn't have to do that. 738 00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:52,840 You could have just asked her. 739 00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:54,640 Oh... 740 00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:56,920 of course, of course. No. Yeah. 741 00:38:57,000 --> 00:38:59,120 "Excuse me, ma'am, we're two supernatural entities 742 00:38:59,240 --> 00:39:01,640 just looking for the notorious Son of Satan. 743 00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:04,440 Wonder if you might help us with our enquiries?" 744 00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:11,840 Um, ahem, look... hello. 745 00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:17,360 You weren't by any chance, a nun here at this convent 11 years ago, were you? 746 00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:18,800 I was. 747 00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:21,360 Luck of the devil. 748 00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:25,320 What happened to the baby I gave you? 749 00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:28,960 I swapped him with the son of the American ambassador. 750 00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:30,320 Such a nice man. 751 00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:32,920 He used to be ambassador to Swindon. 752 00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:38,640 Then Sister Theresa Garrulous came and took the other baby away. 753 00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:41,360 This American ambassador, what was his name? 754 00:39:41,440 --> 00:39:44,360 Where did he come from and what did he do with the baby? 755 00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:45,840 I don't know. 756 00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:47,880 Records. There must have been records. 757 00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:50,160 Yes. There were lots of records. 758 00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:51,760 We were very good at keeping records. 759 00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:54,000 Well, where are they? 760 00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:55,440 Burned in the fire. 761 00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:57,120 [Hastur laughing] 762 00:39:58,120 --> 00:40:00,120 [groans] Hastur! 763 00:40:00,240 --> 00:40:04,120 Well, is there anything you remember about the baby? 764 00:40:05,800 --> 00:40:08,400 He had lovely little toesie-woesies. 765 00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:11,400 Let's go. 766 00:40:11,430 --> 00:40:15,040 You will wake, having had a lovely dream about whatever you like best. 767 00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:16,280 [Crowley] Oi. 768 00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:21,120 [sirens approaching] 769 00:40:21,240 --> 00:40:24,360 You'd think he'd show up, wouldn't you? 770 00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:26,600 You'd think we could detect him in some way. 771 00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:29,320 He won't show up. Not to us. Protective camouflage. 772 00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:31,120 [gunshot] 773 00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:32,880 He won't even know it, but his powers will keep him hidden 774 00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:35,120 from prying occult forces. 775 00:40:35,240 --> 00:40:37,320 Occult forces? 776 00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:38,440 You and me. 777 00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:39,600 [people arguing] 778 00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:41,920 -I'm not occult. -Oh... 779 00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:44,720 Angels aren't occult. We're ethereal. 780 00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:51,240 [♪ "These are the Days of our Lives" by Queen on radio ♪] 781 00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:52,720 Is there some other way of locating him? 782 00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:54,920 How the heaven should I know? 783 00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:56,800 Armageddon only happens once, you know. 784 00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:59,240 You don't get to go round again until you get it right. 785 00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:00,600 -[car horn honking] -[tyres skid] 786 00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:02,600 But I know one thing, if we don't find him, 787 00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:04,600 it won't be the war to end all wars. 788 00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:08,120 It'll be the war to end everything. 789 00:41:08,240 --> 00:41:09,720 [God] Most books on witchcraft 790 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:12,360 will tell you that witches work naked. 791 00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:17,120 This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men. 792 00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:19,800 "Darksome night and shining moon..." 793 00:41:26,280 --> 00:41:27,600 Come on. 794 00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:43,280 [Aziraphale] There's a very peculiar feeling to this whole area. 795 00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:45,360 I'm astonished you can't feel it. 796 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:47,400 I don't feel anything out of the ordinary. 797 00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:50,320 But it's everywhere. All over here. 798 00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:01,240 Love. 799 00:42:01,250 --> 00:42:02,280 Flashes of love. 800 00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:03,600 You're being ridiculous. 801 00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:06,800 Last thing we need right now is-- 802 00:42:06,880 --> 00:42:07,920 [Anathema screams] 803 00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:13,070 You hit someone. 804 00:42:13,560 --> 00:42:14,640 I didn't. 805 00:42:15,560 --> 00:42:16,560 Someone hit me. 806 00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:26,400 Let there be light. 807 00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:35,040 How the hell did you do that? 808 00:42:40,660 --> 00:42:42,480 I think I hit my head. 809 00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:46,400 [Aziraphale] That's it. No bones broken. 810 00:42:48,720 --> 00:42:49,760 [groans softly] 811 00:42:57,240 --> 00:42:58,480 [metal popping into place] 812 00:42:58,560 --> 00:42:59,880 My bike. 813 00:42:59,960 --> 00:43:01,080 Oh. 814 00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:11,480 Amazingly resilient, these old machines. 815 00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:12,840 Where do you need to get to? 816 00:43:12,920 --> 00:43:15,040 No, no, we're not giving her a lift. 817 00:43:15,120 --> 00:43:17,240 Out of the question. There's nowhere to put the bike. 818 00:43:17,320 --> 00:43:19,120 Except for the bike rack. 819 00:43:19,240 --> 00:43:20,880 [metal forming] 820 00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:25,760 Do get in, my dear. 821 00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:31,640 So, where are we taking you? 822 00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:33,800 Back to the village. I'll give you directions. 823 00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:37,640 ["Bicycle Race" by Queen plays] 824 00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:39,080 ♪ Bicycle ♪ 825 00:43:39,120 --> 00:43:40,600 ♪ Bicycle ♪ 826 00:43:40,720 --> 00:43:43,640 -♪ I want to ride my ♪ -♪ Bicycle ♪ 827 00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:46,400 ♪ Bicycle, bicycle ♪ 828 00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:49,240 Listen, my bike, it didn't have gears. 829 00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:52,120 I know my bike didn't have gears. 830 00:43:53,160 --> 00:43:54,240 Make a left. 831 00:43:56,160 --> 00:43:59,600 Oh, Lord, heal this bike. 832 00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:01,120 I got carried away. 833 00:44:01,200 --> 00:44:03,280 Oh, you can drop me off here. 834 00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:20,800 Oh, look, no gears. 835 00:44:20,880 --> 00:44:24,320 -Just a perfectly normal velocipede. -Bicycle. 836 00:44:25,280 --> 00:44:26,920 Can we get on? 837 00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:28,640 Get in, angel. 838 00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:36,760 -♪ I want to ride my ♪ - ♪ Bicycle ♪ 839 00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:39,960 ♪ Bicycle, bicycle... ♪ 840 00:44:41,240 --> 00:44:42,640 [video call ringing] 841 00:44:45,080 --> 00:44:47,640 [Anathema's mother] Hola, mi amor. How is it going? 842 00:44:47,720 --> 00:44:48,880 Lousy. 843 00:44:48,960 --> 00:44:51,000 Any progress in finding the--? 844 00:44:51,080 --> 00:44:52,850 The young beast and the lesser beast? 845 00:44:54,240 --> 00:44:55,880 It must be at the north end of the village. 846 00:44:55,960 --> 00:45:00,480 I'm certain of it. I just can't figure out where. 847 00:45:00,560 --> 00:45:02,450 Have you used your pendulum? 848 00:45:02,510 --> 00:45:04,440 Mom, I'm not a kid. 849 00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:06,240 If I get too close, the signal swamps me. 850 00:45:06,320 --> 00:45:08,040 Further away, I can't get an accurate fix. 851 00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:12,320 Mi amor, the answers are always in the book. 852 00:45:12,400 --> 00:45:15,200 It's just sometimes you don't see them till afterwards. 853 00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:20,230 The book. 854 00:45:20,840 --> 00:45:23,400 Holy shit, Mom. I'm going to have to call you back. 855 00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:45,560 Mm. 856 00:45:45,640 --> 00:45:49,480 You know, we might get another human to find him. 857 00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,880 -What? -Humans are good at finding other humans. 858 00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,760 They've been doing it for thousands of years. 859 00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:58,240 And the child is partly human. 860 00:45:58,320 --> 00:46:01,080 Other humans might be able to sense him. 861 00:46:01,160 --> 00:46:02,780 He's the Antichrist. 862 00:46:02,790 --> 00:46:04,960 He's got an automatic defence thingy. 863 00:46:05,760 --> 00:46:07,720 Suspicion slides off him like... 864 00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:11,760 whatever it is water slides off. 865 00:46:11,840 --> 00:46:13,890 Got any better ideas? 866 00:46:14,720 --> 00:46:17,400 Or one single, better idea? 867 00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:24,960 [Deirdre] I still don't know why you let him keep that dog. 868 00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:28,640 It was his birthday. And, oh, I don't know, 869 00:46:28,720 --> 00:46:31,860 the way that he was looking at the dog and the dog was looking at him. 870 00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:34,840 As if they were made for each other. 871 00:46:34,920 --> 00:46:39,000 Arthur, you are a softy sometimes. 872 00:46:39,080 --> 00:46:40,670 I resent that remark. 873 00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:43,840 -Where's the dog now? -Tied up outside. 874 00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:46,480 Adam asked if he could have him in his room, 875 00:46:46,560 --> 00:46:47,760 but I said absolutely not. 876 00:46:47,840 --> 00:46:50,400 "Absolutely not", I said. 877 00:47:07,760 --> 00:47:09,520 [door closes] 878 00:47:15,920 --> 00:47:17,200 Come on, Dog. 879 00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:25,040 [clears throat] 880 00:47:25,120 --> 00:47:26,400 What was that about? 881 00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:29,580 Oh, just checking on Adam. 882 00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:32,760 He's quite sweet, you know... 883 00:47:32,770 --> 00:47:34,010 when he's asleep. 884 00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:37,560 When he's asleep, yeah. 885 00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:56,280 [voices whispering indistinctly] 886 00:48:08,240 --> 00:48:10,520 Look, there's something I should tell you. 887 00:48:12,040 --> 00:48:15,720 I have a... "network" 888 00:48:15,800 --> 00:48:18,560 of highly trained human agents 889 00:48:18,640 --> 00:48:21,040 spread across the country. 890 00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:24,960 Now, I could set them searching for the boy. 891 00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:28,040 You do? I actually--I actually have something similar. 892 00:48:28,120 --> 00:48:29,630 Human operatives. 893 00:48:30,760 --> 00:48:34,840 Gosh, do you think they ought to work together? 894 00:48:34,920 --> 00:48:36,960 I don't think that's a very good idea. 895 00:48:37,040 --> 00:48:39,880 My lot are not very sophisticated, 896 00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:41,640 politically speaking. 897 00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:44,980 No, no, neither are mine. 898 00:48:45,740 --> 00:48:49,320 So we tell our respective operatives to look for the boy? 899 00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:52,400 Unless you have a better idea? 900 00:48:53,840 --> 00:48:56,480 -Ducks! -What about ducks? 901 00:48:56,560 --> 00:48:58,560 They're what water slides off. 902 00:48:58,640 --> 00:49:01,040 Just drive the car, please. 903 00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:09,960 [brakes squeal] 904 00:49:12,160 --> 00:49:14,960 [Aziraphale groans softly] 905 00:49:15,040 --> 00:49:19,360 You know, if you lined up everyone in the whole world 906 00:49:19,440 --> 00:49:21,520 and asked them to describe the Velvet Underground, 907 00:49:21,600 --> 00:49:24,800 nobody at all would say "bebop". 908 00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:28,600 Oh, there's a book back there. 909 00:49:28,680 --> 00:49:30,720 Well, it's not mine. I don't read books. 910 00:49:30,800 --> 00:49:33,360 It has to belong to the young lady you hit with your car. 911 00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:34,840 I'm in enough trouble as it is. 912 00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:37,320 I'm not going to start returning lost property. 913 00:49:37,400 --> 00:49:39,120 That's what your lot do. 914 00:49:39,200 --> 00:49:41,680 Why don't you just send it to the Tadfield post office, 915 00:49:41,760 --> 00:49:44,480 addressed to "the mad American woman with the bicycle"? 916 00:49:46,120 --> 00:49:50,160 Oh, uh...jolly good, yes. Rather. 917 00:49:50,240 --> 00:49:53,520 Right, so we'll both contact our respective human operatives, then? 918 00:49:53,600 --> 00:49:55,440 All right. 919 00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:57,680 -Are you alright? -Perfectly, yes. 920 00:49:57,760 --> 00:49:59,040 Uh, tip-top. 921 00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:01,960 -Absolutely tickety-boo. -Tickety-boo? 922 00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:03,720 Mind how you go. 923 00:50:06,120 --> 00:50:07,680 Right. 924 00:50:07,760 --> 00:50:09,680 Well, that was a thing. 925 00:50:09,760 --> 00:50:13,760 [God] Aziraphale was particularly proud of his books of prophecy. 926 00:50:13,840 --> 00:50:15,600 First editions, usually. 927 00:50:15,680 --> 00:50:18,200 And every one was signed. 928 00:50:18,280 --> 00:50:21,440 He had Martha the Gypsy and Ignatius Sybilla 929 00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:23,320 and Ottwell Binns. 930 00:50:23,400 --> 00:50:25,120 Nostradamus had signed, 931 00:50:25,200 --> 00:50:29,240 "To myne olde friend Azerafel, with beste wishes". 932 00:50:29,320 --> 00:50:32,720 Mother Shipton had spilled drink on his copy of her book. 933 00:50:32,800 --> 00:50:36,510 He even owned an original scroll in the handwriting of St John the 934 00:50:36,520 --> 00:50:41,280 Divine of Patmos, whose "Revelation" had been the all-time best seller. 935 00:50:41,360 --> 00:50:42,800 But there was one book he didn't have. 936 00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:45,440 One book he had only heard of. 937 00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:54,040 [Aziraphale] The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter. 938 00:51:04,520 --> 00:51:06,400 "3,008: 939 00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:10,120 When that the angel readeth these words of mine, 940 00:51:10,200 --> 00:51:13,280 in his shop of other men's books, 941 00:51:13,360 --> 00:51:17,240 then the final days are certes upon us. 942 00:51:17,320 --> 00:51:19,800 Open thine eyes to understand. 943 00:51:19,880 --> 00:51:23,120 Open thine eyes and read, I do say, 944 00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:24,600 foolish principalitee, 945 00:51:24,680 --> 00:51:28,960 for thy cocoa doth grow... cold". 946 00:51:31,200 --> 00:51:34,240 "Thy cocoa doth grow cold"? 947 00:51:34,320 --> 00:51:36,640 What cocoa-- Oh! 948 00:51:36,720 --> 00:51:38,080 [gasps] 949 00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:43,400 [breathing heavily] 950 00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:12,160 [dialling] 951 00:52:13,600 --> 00:52:16,160 [line ringing] 952 00:52:16,240 --> 00:52:18,240 Any news? Found the missing Antichrist yet? 953 00:52:18,320 --> 00:52:20,600 No. No news. Nothing. Nothing at all. 954 00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:22,320 If I had anything, I would tell you, obviously. 955 00:52:22,400 --> 00:52:24,360 Immediately. We're friends. Why would you even ask? 956 00:52:24,440 --> 00:52:25,560 Oh, there's no news here either. 957 00:52:25,640 --> 00:52:27,840 Call me if you find anything. 958 00:52:27,920 --> 00:52:29,400 Absolutely. Why would you think I wouldn't? 959 00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:42,320 Hang on. 960 00:52:51,520 --> 00:52:56,640 "Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast, 961 00:52:56,720 --> 00:52:58,830 for it is the number of a man. 962 00:52:59,560 --> 00:53:04,720 And his number is six hundred threescore and six." 963 00:53:06,360 --> 00:53:08,840 It can't be that simple, can it? 964 00:53:11,720 --> 00:53:16,360 I'd have to put the Tadfield area code first, of course. 965 00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:33,400 [phone ringing] 966 00:53:36,320 --> 00:53:39,000 Tadfield, 0-4-6-triple-6. Arthur Young here. 967 00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:41,000 Dad, look, I got Dog to walk on his hind legs! 968 00:53:44,280 --> 00:53:46,240 Sorry, right number! 969 00:53:51,480 --> 00:53:52,880 [Dog barking] 970 00:54:00,960 --> 00:54:03,720 [theme music]