Oh.
Oh, good morning. Hi. Hi. Hi.
I'm Chef Goldblum.
And right now
I'll bet you're probably just getting comfortable
in your own Schlaaang Super Seat.
But maybe you're asking yourself,
"What the heck is this Schlaaang Super Seat exactly?"
Here's how the Schlaaang Super Seat works!
First, several needles
are connected to a vein in your arm.
Chemicals are then introduced to synchronize your emotions
with the movie.
Next, air tubes are inserted into the nasal cavity
to guide you into a natural breathing pattern.
Exotic odors are released
to match the excitement of the movie.
Finally, your legs are moved out of your line of sight
and into our patented Schlaaang stirrups,
to give you a viewing experience you'll never forget.
Oh! Oh! Oh! I gotta tell you.
My favorite thing about this whole Schlaaang Super Seat
is the automatic popcorn machine in the armrest.
Of course, be careful. I... you know, I actually did this.
That hot butter is gonna come spurting out.
Don't get it on your hand. It's gonna burn.
And remember,
if you're not sitting in a Schlaaang Super Seat...
you're just not sitting down.
The Schlaaang Super Seat.
The ultimate film-watching seating experience!
Close your left eye.
Now rapidly open and close your left eye like this.
Wow! This is easy.
Now close your right eye.
Now rapidly open and close your right eye like this.
Thank you.
It is advised to remove your dentures or false teeth
before the movie begins.
I've been walking down these streets for years.
Bonjour, Diamond Jim.
Bonjour.
Diamond Jim, good to see you.
Bonjour.
They all know my name.
But I can't say that I know theirs.
Bonjour.
What can I say? Sweet Paris.
Bonjour.
The smell of baguettes, flowers,
fresh meat in the air.
Bonjour.
This is a town full of beautiful people
all around you.
Bonjour.
Oui, oui. Magnifique.
I'm Diamond Jim. This is my home.
My People.
But there's only one that has my attention.
What can I get you, Diamond Jim?
What do I have to do to get you to finally go out with me?
Well...
a girl cannot say no to diamonds.
Well, why didn't you say so?
Oh, my God, it is so beautiful.
Now kiss me.
What the fuck was that?
- That's it. - That's our movie.
- Should we? - Let's go make a speech.
Okay.
- One more second.
This is the story of Tim and Eric.
They were given $1 billion
to make their first feature film
Tommy Schlaaang.
I paid a billion dollars for that piece of shit?
But Tim and Eric did not spend their money wisely.
Despite the record-setting budget,
they were only able to edit together
three minutes of useable footage.
They had expensive personal make-overs.
These two guys don't get into premiere parties.
These guys get in the front of the line at premiere parties.
And they accidentally cast a Johnny Depp impersonator
instead of the genuine Johnny Depp.
- You said it was Johnny Depp. - It smelled like Johnny Depp.
Everyone said this is Johnny Depp on the set. It was a big day.
No, it wasn't Johnny Depp. I know my Johnny Depp.
Other expenses included helicopter rides to work,
10-course lunches,
and real diamonds for the Diamond Jim suit.
The diamonds are forever, though, and we can't return them, so...
Those diamonds aren't going back.
They hired a personal shopper
and spiritual guru named Jim Joe Kelly,
who they paid an astonishing $500,000 a week.
I'm not even walking on a set without Jim Joe.
If you think I'm gonna get involved in something
without him being a part of this, then you're out of your mind.
They also employed a team of personal assistants,
including this small man named Jason.
Not now.
Tim and I are making a speech about our movie, and you fucking blew it.
Come on, Jason, we need the hot corn before the movie, not after the movie.
- You mind if I do it? - Go ahead.
Come on!
Now sit down. Sorry about that, gang.
But perhaps most foolishly of all,
they signed a legally binding contract
with the Schlaaang Corporation which held them
personally responsible for the $1 billion.
I want my money back!
We're going to sue you for every dime.
You motherfuckers are going to jail
for what you did!
After several threatening letters
from the Schlaaang Corporation,
Tim and Eric realized they needed a plan
to pay back Schlaaang's billion dollars.
- Shred it. - Okay.
We've really got to think of a way to get that money back.
There's got to be an easy way to do it here.
Are you guys hungry?
We could get some beef chili and hot dog buns
like you like to put your mouth around like you like to do.
Ma! When we're hungry, I'll ring the bell.
Then you'll know to put some chili on.
After days of workshopping failed ideas,
Tim and Eric faced the very real threat
of spending the rest of their lives in jail.
But first they had to terminate their relationship
with their trusted friend and spiritual guru,
Jim Joe Kelly.
You're not going to believe what I bought for you.
We've got to tell him.
Oh, mercy.
I'm sensing some... real depression here.
What's going on?
Tell him.
Jim Joe, we have to let you go.
Wha...
- I'm sorry. - What? What?
- It's all over, Jim Joe. - What?
- It's okay. - What?
- It's okay, Jim Joe. - Breathe.
I can't...
- Breathe. - Oh!
- Jim Joe? - Oh, God.
Ohh!
No! No!
Pull him up.
One, two, three!
That's not how you do CPR. You go like this.
See? Do it. Shit. He's drying out.
- He's drying out! Put him back in! - Change our plan!
I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
No. No, no, no, no.
Just steep it.
Why can't I just work at a reduced rate?
The money's gone. We lost a billion dollars. We're screwed.
- Easy, Jim Joe.
Easy.
After all that I've done for you!
Oh, Jim Joe.
This is so much harder for us than it is for you.
All right. We're sorry. We're just broke.
Great singing voice.
He's wonderful.
He's remarkable.
I guess this is goodbye.
Time to move on.
Please out.
Is it "please out' or "peace out"?
- It's up to you. - Enjoy it.
Please out.
So, with nowhere left to go,
Tim and Eric headed to their favorite nightclub,
Circus Disco, to drown their sorrows.
I don't know what we're going to do, man.
I think we're finished.
We screwed up. No one's ever gonna let us
direct another movie after that shit.
You know, I used to have this crazy fantasy of the two of us
walking hand in hand down that red carpet
on our way to the Academy Awards.
That's nice.
I don't think it's gonna happen.
I just want to get fucking drunk.
Forget about all this billion-dollar bullshit.
I'm glad you said it because I'm feeling the same way.
I want to get so fucking high.
- I want a hashish. - I'm gonna get skit on my nose.
Yo, I want to go dumb.
I want to cut my fucking arm off.
I'd love to fucking get blackout-drunk with you,
get a bunch of dudes,
put a bunch of shit up our holes.
Yeah, let's go fucking nuts.
Let's dance!
Aah!
- Aah!
Aah!
Cw!
Oh, wow.
Ohh...
Yeah.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Do you want to make a billion dollars?
It's easy. Come and run my mall. You'll be rich.
Hey, Eric, come check this out.
You all love malls, so take my mall.
What's the matter?
You don't want to make a billion dollars?
Anyone can run a stupid fucking mall,
even you.
Are you a man, or possibly two men,
who need to make a billion dollars?
Come and run my mall. We're having hard times.
We need your ideas. Everybody needs a billion.
Come and take over the S'wallow Valley Mall and pizza court.
It's easy. Not hard.
I said it's easy, not hard.
There's never been an easier way to make a billion dollars.
It's easy. And here's it's easy.
What's the matter? You don't want to make a billion dollars?
My day wasn't going good until I put on these...
Billion dollars.
Man, I love this...
Billion dollars.
I'm giving away a billion... billion dollars!
But you gotta run my mall.
Please save our mall. We need your help.
Ah.
I work at one of the kiosks, and it would mean the world
- if someone would come in here... - She's so beautiful.
...and help us make this mall great again.
Come to the S'wallow Valley Mall,
right off the 182 freeway in S'wallow Valley.
Sounds crazy, Eric, I know, but I think we can do this.
Yo, I like it.
- This mall could be easy money, man. - That's right.
You know what? And I'm really good at numbers, accounting, all that stuff.
Well, you know me. I'm a big P.R., strategy, marketing kind of guy.
But you know, more importantly, man,
I just want to say this could be a fresh start for us.
We could forget all about this Hollywood bullshit
and really reinvent ourselves.
Yeah. You know, I've been meaning to tell you this all night,
but I love you, man. And I love our friendship.
Well, thank you. I honor you,
and I honor our friendship, and I honor our love.
It would mean a lotto me if we could run this mall
and I could make love to this hot woman
and we could start a business partnership together.
I love it, but I've got a big problem.
I hate to do this to you here.
I need to have an emergency business meeting right now.
Because guess what? We don't have a name for our company yet.
- Shit.
All right. What are we good at?
Well, we're men who do business.
We want to be business members.
We're boys who do business.
- Yeah. - But...
Eric. Look.
It's a sign.
"Doing business."
"Dobis."
I love it. It's got a ring to it, doesn't it?
- Yeah. - Dobis.
"That's who we are." We're Dobis P.R.
Dobis.
- Look at that. - Look at all the elements of business.
- Look it. They're all there, Eric. - Market research.
- There's strategic P.R. - Profit and loss.
I'll have the report to you by Monday.
I'll look forward to it.
Guys,
I told you, you should never have fired me.
Jim Joe, what do you want?
I've got some poetry about regret I'd like to share with you.
Come on, Jim Joe.
Friendship is warm, friendship is touch.
Jim Joe, please stop.
We have to do this for ourselves. We're sorry.
- We've got to leave you behind. - I'm sick, and I'm lost,
and I'm tired of floating around.
We love you, Jim Joe. We wish you the best.
Let's go.
Hi, this is Tim and Eric.
Sorry we're not here right now.
We've left town to become business members.
We are now Dobis.
Please leave a message for Dobis.
- Be blessed.
Shit.
Son of a bitch.
They just skipped town on us, Tommy.
- You find them. - Mmmmm.
Find them if it's the last thing you do.
I want to drink their blood.
- I want to take a knife and gut them! - Yes.
Oh, God, let me watch their insides fall out.
Yes. Yes. Yes. What else, Tommy?
- I want to strap them up... - Yes.
And let a bamboo tree grow right up into their ass, huh?
Yes.
Until the tree grows straight through their brains!
Yes. And I will deliver them unto you.
I want to eat their fucking hearts!
Yeah!
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Okay. Tell me what you think.
Uh, "Dear Mr. Weebs,
We are very, very, very, very excited to meet you.
We are Dobis."
That's all I've got so far. What do you think?
Oh, I'm sorry, dude. I wasn't listening to you.
I'm just so focused on this ridiculous look.
It's not working any more.
Let me take a look.
It's just not right.
You know what, Eric, if we're going to be businessmen,
I think maybe we should look like businessmen, too.
- I agree. - Hold on a second.
Now hold still.
Goodbye.
Qh!
Good night, Katie. I miss you, my sweets.
Boy, you're really getting attached to that photo, bud.
Tim, it's not just a picture, man.
That could be the girl of my dreams.
All right. Let's just try to stay focused
on what's important here.
Ever since I saw you in that commercial, Katie,
I felt this electricity in my heart.
I can't wait to meet you and make love to you
and go deep inside you and show you my mushroom tip.
All right, well, I'm hitting the sack.
Oh.
What the hell?
Okay.
- Katie. - Okay.
All right.
You want to finish that in the bathroom?
Almost done. Almost done.
Okay. Well, I'm gonna say good night, then.
We've come a long way, Tim.
We could turn around right now if you want.
No.
I'm ready.
All right. Let's go.
Hello?
Mr. Weebs?
Hello?
- What? What the... - Mr. Weebs?
Go to heck!
- Whoa! - Who is that, Taquito?
No, sir. It's Dobis.
- It's Tim and Eric. - Tim and Eric.
Oh.
- Oh. Come in. - Thank you.
Yeah. Come in.
- Tim and Eric. Hello. - Hi. Sorry to spook you.
- Good to meet you. - Hi. Come in.
Hi. Hi.
I did not expect you guys.
I don't usually have visitors at this time of the day.
So thank you.
Please, sit down. Have a s...
God! Come on!
God damn it! There's an order here.
Sorry.
Oh! All this was organized.
Now, I don't know.
Because a couple of dicks walked in and wrecked it.
- Can I help you? - No!
Have you ever visited an office before?
- You want us to come back another time? - No.
I almost had a heart attack.
Can we have a fresh start?
- That'd be great. - Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.
And I'm Tim Heidecker. And we are from Dobis P.R.
We saw your commercial,
and we're here to run the mall
and make that billion.
Do you want to watch "Top Gun"?
- Right now? - I love that movie.
- You have a copy? - I have it here somewhere.
There it is. It was right here...
- Right on top. - ...the whole time.
Okay. "Top Gun."
- Just put it in here? - Just put it right in there.
Great.
Does it start from the top?
Mm-hmm.
"Top Gun" from the top.
- Sit back and enjoy the ride.
- Tom Cruise, I guess. - Mmmmm.
- Ah. - Great.
- I like that movie. - It's a good movie.
- Terrific. - Wonderful. Artistic.
Do you want to watch it again?
We just saw one pass of it, so...
We'd love to focus in on the business.
It literally means the world to me.
Come on.
I guess we can watch it one more time.
Yeah.
- Rewind here? - Rewind.
So while we're rewinding,
let's talk business about the mall.
And hit play.
- Okay. Play again? - Round two.
- Play again. - "Top Gun" from the top again.
- Sit back and enjoy the ride.
I love that movie. It's a great film.
Great flying.
Yeah.
I love that music.
Yeah.
Yeah, the music is great.
Not just the songs, either, the score is good.
- The motorcycles and stuff. - Uh-huh.
Is that Val Kilmer? Is that Val Kilmer?
Jesus.
Fuck.
All right.
Taquito!
Get up here right now!
I've got some business for you!
I'll need to introduce you to Taquito.
He lives here in the mall.
He's a sick boy.
Hmm, sorry to hear that.
Come here.
He's your problem now.
Okay.
Also, you're going to have to look out for the wolf.
Is that a metaphorical wolf?
- Huh? - Like an animal wolf?
- Yeah. - You're talking about a wolf?
Oh, yeah. He's a real wolf.
He'll bite you.
Noted. Okay.
Well, if I could just move on?
One more thing. I hate to do this to you, but in the commercial,
you said we were gonna make a billion dollars.
Oh. The money's coming.
Did you wink there?
- Hmm? - You just winked.
Look. Don't worry about the money.
You're gonna make a billion running this place.
Making the money.
Yeah, it happened again.
I'm sorry. We're still seeing it.
Really?
I find that hard to believe.
I saw a wink. That was a wink.
I don't think I winked.
Yeah. Well, we both saw it. You winked.
I don't know if it's some kind of reflexive thing.
No.
Would you just mind saying "Tim and Eric,
you'll make the billion dollars, run the mall," and there's no wink?
I hate doing this, but could you just... you know, even with your hands...
- I'm happy to. - ...just keep them open.
Then just say "Tim and Eric will make a billion dollars."
No wink.
Just say the line and keep the eyes wide open.
You're gonna do just fine running this place.
You're gonna make a billion.
Even with them spread, I... we see the wink.
I don't even know how it's possible, but you're...
- you're winking through it. - Hmm.
I think we should just trust him on this.
- I don't know, man. - We don't have any other options.
Wink or no wink, we have to go with this. We're here.
Okay. All right, well, Mr. Weebs,
we'd love to accept the offer.
- Oh, that's wonderful news. - We'll run your mall.
- Great news.
Yes, Uncle Damian? What is it?
Taquito!
These are Tim and Eric.
Oh, how nice.
They will be running the mall from now on.
- You take orders from them. - Yes, Uncle Damian.
Want to see where I live?
Want to know where to get food?
Taquito!
You do the song like we practiced.
Yes, Uncle Damian.
Sorry, I'm real sick.
- You okay? - I'll be all right.
It's just the shivers.
My body's hot, but I feel cold.
- Mr. Weebs?
Tonight's movie features several important lessons.
The following segments are meant to reinforce these themes.
You wanted to see me?
Yes. You're fired.
Oh, no!
Why? Why?
That's it. Let it all out.
Oh, no.
This is the best business scenario for us.
It had to be done.
Yes, you are right.
I understand that now.
Thank you. Good-bye.
Psst. Wait.
Come back.
This is your severance package.
Sweet old Mrs. Wareheim. Mrs. Heidecker.
Yes.
You must be so proud of your boys.
Making a big Hollywood movie.
Aren't you?
The sets, the movie stars.
Geez Louise, it's something, isn't it?
Well, you see, the problem is
that they screwed up big-time.
They screwed up, mommies.
Oh, no.
Are you scared?
- Hmm? - Scared?
Where's your son?
I don't know.
Where are your sons?
I wish I could help you, but I can't. Sorry.
Where are your sons? Where are your sons?
Where is he?
Earle. Let me try.
You've got Zaffer's Music over there on the right.
Ahem. And that's Dan's Tiny Baby Outlet.
He's only open two days a week.
And this here is Drimble's Yogurt.
Some folks say it's haunted
by the yogurt man.
I don't know.
I wouldn't change too much around here.
The yogurt man might get real upset.
That's a bobo.
How are you?
Hi.
And this is Simon's.
They sell things for mommies and daddies.
Oh, hey, Eric, check it out. Swords.
Cool, I love swords.
Mr. Bishopman?
I have a couple of fellas who wanted to meet you.
What's this? What do you want? We're closing.
I'm Tim Heidecker.
I'm Eric Wareheim, and we're from Dobis P.R.,
and we're here to take over your mall.
That's right, Mr. Bishopman.
We are here to reimagine what this mall can be,
and, in fact, we got some pretty big and exciting changes in mind.
Mm-hmm.
So just hand over your cost report,
and we'll get started on some business plans for you.
You listen to me.
I'm Allen fucking Bishopman,
and I've run E Z Swords for 15 years.
And you want me to change?
Fuck you!
Sir, Dobis is here to help, okay?
I like things this way.
I don't want things to change!
Okay.
I sell two swords a year, I'm good.
I sell no swords a year, and I'm even better.
You see, S'wallow Valley wants to keep swords off the streets,
and they pay me a monthly fee to not sell any swords!
Okay. I didn't know that.
- Well, now you do, you shit!
Okay. Well, we didn't know that. So...
Well, now you do, you shit!
Well, we weren't aware. I'm sorry.
Well, now you do, you piece of shit.
I got a lot of stuff going around in my head.
I've got to sort it out,
and it will help to not have you
right in my fucking face the whole time!
Well, we look forward to doing business with you, sir.
Yes. All the best.
Good night.
Anyways, there's a lot of other fun stuff
I'll show you tomorrow.
Well, here we are. Here's my humble abode
and your temporary home away from home.
Okay. Careful.
This is my secret tunnel.
Well, here's the living room.
Shut the fuck up, you little cunt!
That's Roy.
- Don't look him in the eye.
Hello.
- Get the fuck out of here! - Ah!
Here we are.
This is my little palace.
This is where I sleep.
If you have to do your business.
There's no curtain. You just close your eyes.
If you have to do any work
or any kind of calculations,
you can...
you can use this machine I built.
It's called the...
it's called the taqutor.
Eric's our numbers man here.
I'm more of a managerial type for Dobis.
Really looking forward to crunching some numbers
on that taqutor, Taquito.
Oh, yeah. You must be hungry.
- We're fine. - Here. Have a taquito.
Ooh. No, thanks.
You've got to keep those refrigerated, Taquito.
I know. That's why I only eat the middle.
Taquito, don't put that in your mouth, please.
Taquito, is everything all right?
It's only blood. It's just natural.
I'm not meant to live long.
Poor boy.
All right. Well, on that note,
we should probably hit the hay.
Okay.
- So... - We can sleep right back there?
Yep.
- Good night. - Sweet dreams.
- Good night, Taquito.
Good night.
Yeah, awfully nice to have some company.
Thanks, Taquito.
Thank you.
Hello, people of S'wallow Mall.
Let's give a real big warm welcome
to our presidents of Dobis P.R....
Tim and Eric!
- Hey. - Hey, everybody.
Awesome.
What is up, party people?
- Thank you.
I'm Tim Heidecker. This is Eric Wareheim.
We are Dobis P.R.,
and we're here to tell you about our plan
to revitalize the S'wallow Valley Mall.
Boo!
And here's how we're gonna do it, guys.
We're gonna use the three keys to success.
The first key to success.
We gotta get rid of that wolf...
That wolf.
Okay, our second key to success
is we've got to clean this mall up.
All right? We've got to put a fresh coat of paint on things.
We've gotta get rid of all you squatters.
The third key to success
is to prepare for the grand re-opening
of the new S'wallow Valley Mall.
We've got to get rid of the stores that don't work
and bring in stores that do work,
that make profits.
That's gonna do it for us, guys.
And we're gonna be making our billion.
You got that right.
I do want to add a small caveat here.
We have absolutely no experience doing this kind of stuff.
Absolutely not, guys. We are Hollywood actors.
Okay? That's our specialty.
Re-opening a shit-hole mall? It's not what we do.
Yeah. We just want to go on record here
so nobody can come back and this can't bite us in the ass
that we didn't know what we were doing here, okay?
When I look in your face, sir, I say to myself,
I wish I stayed in Hollywood
and just stayed a superstar actor.
What the fuck am I doing down here
doing business in this shit-hole mall?
- But that's Dobis. - That's the pride of Dobis.
Get used to it 'cause this place is gonna change.
Qh, yeah!
Come on, everybody! Say Dobis!
- Dobis! - Dobis!
Dobis in the house.
- Dobis! - Dobis!
Dobis!
Got you just where I want you.
- There you are.
Oh, you guys are going down.
Excuse me. I was wondering about this sword.
Hang on. Can't you see I'm on the fucking phone?
Operator.
Yes. Hello, operator.
I need the number for the Schlaaang Corporation.
I have some information they're gonna want to hear.
Let me give you their customer service...
No, I don't want customer service, you stupid bitch.
I want you to put me through to headquarters, goddamn it.
- H-hello?
Oh, she hung up. Great. She hung up.
What the hell do you want?
Oh, you're just holding a knife out like I know...
Oh, I know what to do with that.
I just want to see how much this sword was.
Get the hell out of my store.
Official Dobis reps here,
stopping in for a meet-and-greet.
Hi, welcome to Reggie's. What can I get for you?
We've got a sale on slightly soiled.
No, no, no. We're not customers.
I don't know if you saw our presentation we did the other day,
but we're running things here at the mall now.
What exactly do you sell here, Reggie?
Oh, used toilet paper, of course.
There's a lot of demand for that here, then, Reg?
It's more of a gourmet operation.
Okay. Write down gourm...
I got it. G-l...
No, G-O-R-M-A-Y.
G-O-R...
- M-A-Y. - M-A-Y.
Yep. Uh, every night, we go out to the usual spots...
you know, abandoned port-a-potties, sewage mains,
those kind of places... and we do our collecting.
And then we take the messy slop back here,
and we spool it all onto new rolls.
What's that? Shit?
It's a shit smell. Is that you?
It smells like po-po.
My father taught me this profession years ago.
And now I'm teaching it to my son.
- Good. - Speak of the devil.
Come on.
This is Jeffrey.
- Say hello. - Hi.
Hello.
Where have you been hiding this boy?
- That's not a bad boy. - Come here.
Let me feast my eyes on that boy.
Come here. Yeah.
Take a look at you.
HEY
Look at the size of him.
Look at this.
Hmm.
Let me see your mouth.
Nice. Nice teeth.
You want to sit on Uncle Tim's lap?
Get on my knee.
I like your son a lot.
All right, all right, Tim.
Listen, Reggie, after a few calculations here,
it looks like your store isn't quite fit for the new Dobis brand.
Sorry, Reg. We're gonna have to shut this boy down.
It's been in the family for years.
The new S'wallow Valley Mall is about fresh, clean, safe...
You know what, Tim?
There's an opening for head of janitorial,
and I don't know Reggie's qualifications,
but I feel like we could give him a shot.
What do you think?
Uh, well...
You do the dust. You do the shine.
We make a mess, you clean it up.
- That's the job. - Okay.
Great. Well, Reg,
it sounds like you're gonna be pretty busy over the next few weeks.
Jeffrey, how about you tag along with us?
And I can teach you a little bit about
what it's like to be a businessman around here,
what it's like to be a real man.
What it's like to be a real successful businessman.
Huh? Sound good?
- Yes, sir. - Don't call me sir.
Why don't you call me Daddy? Say "Yes, Daddy."
Yes, Daddy.
Does that sound good to you, Uncle Reg?
Yeah. Okay.
Are you gonna be my son? That's what I thought.
Attention, squatters.
This is your final warning.
Please vacate the mall immediately.
This is a direct order from Dobis P.R.
Get out of here.
Swing, swing, swing. Swing, swing.
Oh, shit.
You got, like, a foot back here
if you swing it hard enough.
I got it. I got it.
Back it up.
Get out and push. Get out and push.
Hey! I'm trying to work in here.
All right. Shrim Alternative Healing Center.
It looks like they have a video here, guys.
You want to watch a movie, son?
Good day.
I'm Dr. Doone Strutts.
And I want to thank you for choosing
the Shrim Alternative Healing Center.
Shrim.
Shrim can help you achieve
premium body health.
Shrim.
Ooh.
You must locate your inner shrim.
- Shrim begin.
I will help you find your shrim,
along with my sons.
- Shrim! - Shrim!
Shrim.
- Shrim!
Shrim!
I'd really like to get my shrim tested,
meet Dr. Doone.
Shrim. Sounds like shrimp.
Shrimp sounds like Shemp.
Shrim. We should get some shrimp for dinner.
What?
Shrim! Shrim! Shrim!
Shrim!
All right, Katie's Celebrity Balloons is our last stop.
Looks like no one's home. We can turn around.
- No. - Let's go back.
Just play it cool. Play it just like yourself.
Just be natural. Don't forget we're here for business.
Let's do it.
Jeffrey, stick with me. Play with the balloons.
Hello. Hi. Tim and Eric here.
- Oh, hi there. - Hi, I'm Tim Heideck...
Hey, I'm Eric Wareheim.
Businessmen here. I'm so nervous.
So, um, love you.
- No. - No?
Just be yourself.
Hi. Eric Wareheim. I love you.
- Mm. Start again. Pardon us. - One, two, three.
Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim. Very in love with you...
- Okay. - This is business.
I'm trying to just say the business thing.
We won't be able to use any of that.
- Cut the love? - Yeah.
Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim. We're here from Dobis.
We're evaluating your balloon stand.
And I love you so much.
All right. Why don't you take two?
- Tsst. Tsst.
Take five. I'll get this. Hi. We're Dobis.
We're just walking around, trying to get a lay of the land,
figuring out what you guys need, how we can make this mall better.
Oh. I was in the audience.
I saw your presentation. You were wonderful.
Thank you for coming all this way to help us.
These are super cool. How do you even make them?
Oh, thank you.
Eric. Eric.
Uh, so, Katie, I would love to schedule an official Dobis dinner
to discuss your business model
for your balloon store here.
With both of you? That would be great.
Um, or just me.
Um, Tim will probably be busy with his son,
so you and I can just kind of go over all the details.
Friday's no good. Jeff's got a lot of homework.
We're gonna concentrate on that.
Oh. Okay, fine.
Oh, yeah.
- Hey, Eric.
Jeffrey!
Jeff?
I miss you, son.
What are you working on over there, bud?
I'm just crunching some numbers with the taqutor here,
and we got a problem.
What are you talking about?
Come take a look at this.
Taqutor,
load up the Dobis presentation, please.
See what I'm saying? It doesn't add up.
Eric, it's probably just a bug in the mainframe.
I'll have Jeffrey run a diagnostic.
We'll get it sorted out. It's nothing to worry about.
No. There's nothing wrong with the taqutor, man.
The numbers are right here. There's no way we're making that bil.
What are you saying? That Weebs lied to us?
You know how stupid that sounds?
You know what your problem is?
Your head's in the clouds thinking about Katie all the time.
Let me ask you something.
How many times did you masturbate to her today?
Like five or six.
Five or six times,
when you should have been focused on the prize.
You should be focused on this:
opening up the S'wallow Valley Mall,
making the "mooney," okay? Not some dumb slut.
Hey!
Say what you want about my calculations in the taqutor,
but leave Katie out of this.
May I have a bite of your apple?
I wish I had a bigger bite.
That bite was all mine because I worked hard for it.
Yep. I didn't deserve that bite.
I should have worked harder.
Oh, ladies, ladies, ladies.
I'm a successful businessman, ladies.
I built the Schlaaang empire from the ground up.
And if you think two idiots can make a fool of me,
then you've got a lot to learn about business
and the Schlaaang way.
Yes.
I've had you here for days,
and you've given me nothing.
Cornell, could you untie Mrs. Wareheim, please?
Yes.
You see this?
It's a letter opener.
It was my grandpop's.
Beautiful.
He must have used it to open up thousands of letters over the years,
but it also settled more than a few arguments.
Do you want to lose a finger, too?
Where are your sons?
I wish I could tell you what you need to know
if it would get your billion dollars back to you.
But I just don't think I know where they did get to.
Motherfucking Tim and Eric, where did you go?
- Ahem. Excuse me. - What?
Sorry to interrupt, but do you want to get back to Dobis?
Or do you want to continue singing?
Yeah. It's fine. Just got lost in my music.
Well, we've got Drimble's Yogurt here.
Uh, looks like the power's been off for years,
so we got a lot of spoiled yogurt we gotta deal with.
And, as you recall, Taquito gave us a little intel
about a so-called yogurt man that's haunting the premises.
So Dobo better investigo.
Well, if there is a yogurt man in there, Eric,
then today he's getting his eviction notice.
Oh, God.
The smell.
Yogurt man, are you in here?
Hello?
Yogurt man? Ohh!
Yogurt man, stand down!
The mall's haunted!
Wait.
Taquito?
- Taquito. - I'm sorry, guys.
I just don't want anything to change.
Taquito, change is important.
But that doesn't mean we're gonna forget about our old friends.
- I don't know. - Hold on a second, Taquito.
Taquito, we just had a Dobis meeting,
and we've decided to let you run the mall fountain.
Really?
Not only do you have to get it working, but you have to maintain it
and keep track of all the loose change.
So I think Taquito's gonna be with us for quite some time.
Thanks, guys.
I'll do the best I can.
I hope I don't kick the bucket before I finish.
Shut the fuck up, you fucking cunt motherfuckers!
I'll kill you, you goddamn...
- Tim, how do I look? - Take a peek.
Well, well, well.
- Sharp as a tack. - I'm feeling pretty good.
Big date tonight, huh?
Yeah. I'm taking Katie to Inbreadables.
That'll be nice.
- I'm trying to impress her. - Oh. Almost forgot.
I got you a little something here.
- It's called a Spanish fly. - What is it?
Let's just say it'll enhance
your lovemaking experience tonight.
I put this right in my ass?
Mm, no. You put it orally. Yeah, right in your mouth.
Did you swallow it?
- Come on, swallow it.
- Perfect. - Didn't go in.
Come on. Swallow it.
Mmm.
Well, you better hit the road, then.
Okay. Wish me luck, bud.
I guess I'll just stay here and work on Dobis.
Keep my eye on the prize.
Good luck with the pills. Good luck.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
This is James Quall here to talk about bread,
and one thing I'd have to say
is that I'd rather be saying all these bread lines
than standing in one.
Ah, yes. One thing that might be a hazard
about talking about bread
is they might accuse one of being a loafer.
Now I've just come from Hollywood,
where they have all these famous personalities
like Bread Pitt and Robert Breadford.
And now...
I'll be "baguette"
in 20 minutes.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I love this place.
I know what you mean.
- You want some of this bread slop? - I'd love some.
- Mmm.
This is so good.
This is a funky place.
So you were telling me about your mom.
Oh. Well, my mother calls every Saturday night, right?
It's like she's just calling to see if I have a date.
- So she doesn't just call... - Ohh!
Are you okay, honey?
Is it getting hot in here?
I don't think so.
I'm just feeling really weird.
Are you okay, honey?
There's so much fucking bread here.
Fuck. Fuck. Ohh!
Isn't it hot in here, Katie?
Little something called Spanish fly.
Eric, are you okay?
I have way too many teeth in my mouth!
You might need some help.
- Hi, how are you? - No!
- What?
Sorry, Eric, there's nothing I can do for you now.
- What the fuck is that?
I'm gonna take you to the Shrim Healing Center.
Come on. You'll feel much better.
Excuse me. I'm so sorry, everyone.
Shrim!
Come on in, my son.
Dr. Doone has you now,
and he's going to make you feel all better.
- Where am I? - Shh.
Quiet, my boy.
You need the healing powers of shrim.
I can sense that.
Okay.
You're in a very bad place.
Now drop those pants.
Shrim!
How was your date?
Not so good.
Eric got sick.
Aw. That's too bad.
It must be really unsatisfying.
Yeah. It was.
It's a little awkward, isn't it?
- Yeah. I suppose. - I'm so nervous.
Listen.
Want to go inside?
Okay.
Are you sure?
No.
Okay. Let's go. Come on.
Step into the tub, my son.
That's it. That's it.
Everything's going to be okay, Eric, my boy.
Dr. Doone has got you,
and he's going to give you a nice warm shrim bath.
- What? - All my boys have been
hiding the shrim inside them for days now,
and they're excited to finally let it out all over you.
- What boys? - Come, my sons.
- It's time.
Oh, look at them. They can barely hold it in.
Shrim.
Shrim. Shrim.
- Yeah.
Shrim.
- Shrim.
Shrim.
- Ohh! - Shrim.
Shrim.
My boys only eat the finest, softest meat
so that they can achieve a level of shrim
that's unmatched.
Shrim. Shrim.
Qh!
Let the brown,
foamy mess wash all over you.
Oh, that's a beautiful thing.
Shrim, shrim.
This is the power of shrim!
Jeffrey?
Is that you, boy?
What are you doing, Jeffrey?
Where's Papa Tim?
Is he inside?
Where are you going?
Hello?
What the fuck.
- Shit. - What's going on?
Eric, don't do anything stupid here, buddy.
I should go.
Katie. How could you do this to me?
- Eric, I'm so sorry. - Hey, stop.
You listen to me. I saved you from her.
She was nothing but dead weight, Eric. She was making you soft.
- She was not making me soft. - She was making you soft.
She wasn't making me soft.
She was making you soft!
She was making me hard.
Rock hard.
Sometimes, when you're writing,
you just look for opportunities to create moments
that take you out of the scene
and just add... add a joke.
The jag was that we were doing "soft, soft, soft"
and sort of out of nowhere we go "hard."
Boom! Laugh.
We fought for a laugh track,
and they said, "No, this is a feature film for the theaters.
A laugh track wouldn't make any sense."
Think about it.
Eric, she was making you soft.
She's taken your eyes off the game, Eric, okay? We're here for Dobis.
What did you give me? That wasn't Spanish fly.
I played the oldest trick in the book.
But I had to play it 'cause I needed to save my friend.
You poisoned me.
- What else could I do? - You son of a bitch.
- Motherfucker!
How could you do that?
NO! No!
Guys!
- Jim Joe? - Why are you fighting? Stop fighting.
Don't you remember my poem about peace?
If you don't remember, I'll recite it for you.
- Jim Joe! - P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-peace.
P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-peace.
Come on. Yeah, yeah.
Aah!
Like that?
Ohh!
You want some of this?
Qh!
Aah!
Why are you fighting?
Motherfucker!
No! No! Aah! Ohh!
333! you're Sorry!
- I'm sorry! ' Sal! You're sorry!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry I poisoned you.
- Okay. It's okay. - I'm sorry for everything!
I'm sorry I poisoned you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no. Listen, I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry. You were looking out for me.
You were looking out for us and the whole Dobis thing.
I know that now.
I'm glad you finally see it that way
'cause I'm just trying to help.
Yeah. I just have to ask you one question.
Why'd you have to sleep with Katie? You know I love her.
Well, to be honest with you, the plan made me horny.
I had to empty my ball sack into something.
That moist hole must have felt so good.
Boy, you really do love her, don't you?
I really do.
It's not gonna bother you when you're making love to her
that my wick got inside that hole?
Not at all, man.
There's something special about it,
you being deep inside like that.
Well, then, it will be an honor to be your best man.
Come on down to the grand re-opening
of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
I'll be there. My best friend Tim Heidecker will be there.
I think you're gonna like what you see.
Ooh, you're gonna like the fake trees.
Ooh, you're gonna like all our new stores.
Ooh, you're gonna like meeting my new son Jeffrey.
My best friend Tim and I redid this whole mall for you.
You got to come down.
It isn't gonna kill you. Come on down.
- It's for Dobis' sake! - I'm gonna murder myself
if you don't come down to my new fucking mall.
Come on down to the grand re-opening of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
My dad told me this is the coolest mall ever.
You think you know more than my dad? Don't fucking come, then.
It's the grand re-opening of the S'wallow Valley Mall.
It's just off Route 35 right here in historic S'wallow Valley.
Where did you get that?
This guy named Bishopman. He sends this to me.
He's been filling up my voice-mail box for weeks
with crazy rants about these guys.
But look at this.
We got them, Tommy. We got them.
Earle, gather the men.
We found your boys. We're gonna go get them.
All right.
Listen, guys, on behalf of Dobis,
I want to say thank you for all your hard work
in getting this mall back in shape.
And I gotta say something personally.
We're all very proud of you.
Guys, tomorrow is our big day,
and Dobis couldn't be more jazzed about it.
But right now I want to have a little fun,
with the permission of my best friend Tim.
Muyo permissiono granted.
Taquito, would you do the honors?
Here goes nothing.
On three, everybody.
One, two, three!
Taquito.
It's wonderful.
It's gorgeous, Taquito.
I worked really hard on it.
- We should make a wish. - I love it.
Oh, Dobis, I wish for this grand re-opening
to be the greatest grand re-opening of all time.
I wish that Tim Heidecker remains my best friend
- and I get to marry Katie soon. - Hmm.
I forgot about that wolf.
I know what to do.
I will need some duct tape and some pizza.
Eric, I don't feel good about this.
Taquito, be careful.
Mama Wolf!
Taquito.
I have some nice pizza for you.
Remember when we had pizza?
Hi, Mama Wolf. Remember your baby boy?
I have to ask you a little favor.
It's time to go back to the...
- Taquito!
He's gone.
Must have snapped that neck on the way down.
- He saved the mall. - Tell you what, Taquito.
We're going to change the name of the pizza court
to the Taquito court, do you hear me?
Goodbye, boy.
I miss the shit out of him already.
- Taquito! - Mr. Weebs?
What are you doing here?
I could sense my boy Taquito was in trouble.
It's too late. He's already dead.
He sacrificed his body for the mall.
He's gone.
Taquito.
He's alive.
Uh, am I in heaven?
Taquito, you killed the wolf, and you saved the mall.
You did just what you said you'd do.
Uh, I did it.
I killed the wolf.
You did, my little boy.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm not gonna last long.
I'm in a lot of pain.
Oh, Taquito.
Would you like Uncle Damian to put some lead in you, son?
It's so cold down here.
Put me to sleep forever.
Oh, Taquito.
I can't watch him die twice. I can't do it. Sorry.
- Taquito!
I'm still here.
- Better try again.
Okay.
Taquito!
Now I can't feel my legs.
It won't be long now.
I can't take this. Finish him off.
Damn it, Weebs, shoot him in the face.
No.
I want my Taquito to have an open casket funeral.
Ow. Ohh!
Come on, Taquito.
Just die, Taquito. Come on.
Any minute now.
Maybe I won't be sick in heaven.
He's dead. Is he dead?
- Yeah. - Good.
- Bye-bye. - Bye, Taquito. Thank you.
That's it, then.
A little to the left.
Back a little bit. That looks pretty good.
- It's great. - Yeah.
You know what, Eric? There's something I need to tell you.
I think you may have been right.
I did some numbers crunching of my own,
and there's no way we're going to make
a billion dollars running this mall.
I know. But you know what? That doesn't matter any more.
It's not about the money. It's about you and me.
It's about your new son. It's about Katie.
It's about the mall. I mean, we've really made a difference here.
You know what? They probably forgot about that billion dollars anyway.
It's just a billion dollars. Heel
I love this fucking mall! Come on.
- To Dobis. - Hey, big news.
You have just been made Dobis' employee of the month.
I want to live in this fucking mall forever.
Yeah.
Forever?
Do you forgive me for sleeping with Tim?
I do.
- There he is.
Ohh!
I hope you never leave.
I guess we're gonna be here forever.
Look, Dad, our first customers.
I don't think those are customers, son.
Let me take a look.
Shit. Schlaaang.
They found us.
All right, everybody inside. Come on.
What's going on?
Listen up, Tim and Eric!
We have you surrounded!
And if you don't come out in 10 seconds,
I'm gonna come in there and blow you to fucking hell!
Finally. Good luck, assholes.
Ha ha ha! Hey, guys, it's me... Allen.
I was the one who sent you the tape telling you where to find Tim and Eric.
- Shit!
- Eric, look out! - Oh, God!
Okay, okay, listen, maybe... maybe I overreacted.
You think there's some common ground here...
I like you-you like me kind of thing?
Tim, we need a Dobis-sized idea stat!
Okay, hold on now. Hold on. Let me think.
- Come on! Think! - Come on, Tim.
- What's going on? - Ah, I got it.
Reggie, hey, come on in.
Come here, come here, come here.
- How's everything? - Good.
Family good?
- Yes. - Okay.
So, listen, we got a little thing out here.
It's not really a big deal. But if you'd go out there and talk to them,
maybe knock some sense into them, Reg.
- Nice. - You're a reasonable man.
They're reasonable men. You could go out there
and tell them to put their guns down.
Would you do that for us, Reg?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, do it, do it.
Dobis needs you, Reg. Please.
You'd be hitting it out of the park for us
if you did it, Reg.
- I can do that. - Will you do it? Oh, good. Thanks, Reg.
Why don't you go ahead and do that now, then?
- Dobis thanks you, Reg.
Hi.
My name is Reggie.
I think we should all take a moment here
and reassess the situation
because there are a lot of good people in there
and I would hate to see any of them hurt.
Fire!
No.
How do you like that, Tim and Eric?
Huh? Ha! Ha!
Aah!
That didn't work. Sorry.
We're doomed.
What is that smell?
I pooped my pants.
Oh, Allen, that's disgusting.
Look, I'm sorry that I tattled on you two.
I shouldn't have called.
I just thought they were going to give you a slap on the wrist.
Smell's getting in my eyes.
Wait a second. I have an idea.
Allen, you go back to your store
and bring as many swords as you can carry.
- Okay.
You're all gonna die in there!
Here you go, guys. As many as I could muster.
Thanks so much, Allen. These are great.
Oh, you're welcome. You're welcome.
Anything for you. I am a team player.
- Oh. This one's nice. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's one of my favorite ones.
I personally sharpened that one... aah!
That's for betraying us, Allen!
- Nice. - Thanks, man.
You know this is it.
I know.
I gotta say it's been one hell of a ride.
- To Dobis. - To Dobis.
Katie, I have something to say to you now.
You know you're the love of my life, right?
Yeah.
Ever since I met you, I wanted to consummate that love.
I wanted to go deep inside you without a condom
and explode in your canal. Psssh.
Grow a little baby up in there.
Start a family.
So I have to ask you this one important question.
Will you marry me?
Hey, Eric, where'd you get that big diamond?
I got it on the "Diamond Jim" set. I got tons of them.
Oh, yeah, I got a ton of them diamonds, too.
I got, like, a billion dollars' worth of them.
Will you make me the happiest man on earth?
- Yes, I do.
- Katie! - No.
Nice shooting, Tommy.
Really, really good.
My love.
No.
Schlaaang!
Eric.
We doing this?
Hells, yeah.
Ah, shit, come on.
Take them out!
Okay, listen, I need you to do something for me.
It's not going to be easy, but I know you can do it
'cause you're my little boy.
You're the best son I ever had.
Hey, Schlaaang!
Shoot the kid!
We did it.
We did it, buddy.
We really did it.
Well, what did you think?
As Steven Spielberg, I approve of this movie.
And let me say this is the greatest film of all time.
- Yeah. - Let's celebrate.
Yay!
Shrim!
We did it. You understand me? We fucking did it!
Tim and Eric have taken my part away from me
like Garry Marshall did to me
back with "Laverne and Shirley" and "Happy Days"
when they chose Robin Williams over me.
Hi. We're Tim and Eric. I'm Tim Heidecker.
Hi. I'm Eric Wareheimer, and this movie...
- Eric Wareheim. - Hi. My name is Eric Wareheim.
This is our billion dollar movie.
Thanks so much for watching.
I'm proud of the film. I'm so proud of you, buddy.
He's my best friend, and I love him so much.
I'm also proud of it as well as you...
of you.
And...
roll the credits.
Okay.
Roll credits.
You guys good?
Great. Thanks. Good for me.
Oh, hi.
I'm Michael Gross.
If you would like me to narrate your life story,
please contact me at...
...and someone from my staff will get back to you.
You have a good day.