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Previously on "2 Broke Girls"...
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00:00:02,891 --> 00:00:05,387
I am choosing to take
this disaster as a sign,
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and while they're rebuilding this place
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I'm gonna go surprise
Randy and try to rebuild us!
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Fine, use my car,
6
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,862
but I'm going to be driving
it. I'm coming with you.
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I finally got the gas pedal extension
8
00:00:16,932 --> 00:00:17,865
where I like it.
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I'll just call AAA.
10
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Cool. Later, hater.
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Wait, you're really leaving?
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Who leaves someone on
the side of the road
13
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in the middle of nowhere?
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My friend, Sloppy Joe,
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has a one-engine plane.
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He might be able to fly
y'all all the way to LA.
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Well, that's a wrap on
the first day of filming
18
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here in Austin, Texas.
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So Randy's not in Los Angeles?
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He's in Texas?
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Wow, you're a bad stalker, Max.
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There's two things the Slop won't do.
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Alert the proper authorities
of my flight pattern
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or step foot in Texas.
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I'll drop you here.
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When I agreed to
follow you cross-country
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to chase your ex-boyfriend,
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I didn't realize I'd be
thrown out of a plane,
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scavenging for my belongings
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and fighting a snake
for my favorite pants.
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You can have them, sir!
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Ah! Found my toothbrush.
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Max, that's disgusting.
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Oh, you're right. This isn't mine.
35
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Ah, found a purse...
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Under this syringe.
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Anything in there?
38
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Uh...
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nah, pretty tapped out,
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which is too bad
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'cause you could use
a two-day heroin nap.
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I meant my bag.
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Look what else survived!
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Ah-ha!
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My Popchips!
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Only to meet an unfortunate end.
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Oh, no, Max, my wallet.
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Mm, yeah, I know. You've aged a lot
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since that license picture.
50
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No, it's gone.
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All of our cash
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and our credit cards were in there.
53
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What are we gonna do? I'm freaking out.
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Nah, nah, nah, calm down.
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Caroline will get us out of this.
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Oh, wait. You're Caroline.
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I'm calling the diner for help.
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Han...
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Caroline, we don't
have a good connection,
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and not just because
we're dueling Scorpios.
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Peek-a-boo!
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I see you!
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Oleg.
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All right, now do it with Barbara.
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Han, we had all of our belongings
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thrown out of a private plane.
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Caroline, you're cutting out.
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All I heard was "private
plane." Brag much?
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No, we need to get to Texas,
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so can you please put
$500 in my PayPal account?
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What? You have $500?
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Did I call you to gloat
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when I bought this snazzy new vest?
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I'm putting you on speaker.
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Private plane...
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Have... credit card...
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We lost her.
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Or maybe her butler
snatched her phone from her.
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Oh, God.
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He hung up.
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Max, can we just go back to
that terrible place we call home?
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That mountain lion is
wearing my new blouse.
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And here she comes!
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Keep the tags on if you wanna return it.
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Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
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I'm calling the credit card company
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to send us new cards.
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They're used to hearing me cry.
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So is the unfortunate family
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that sat behind us at "Zootopia."
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If animals can all get along, so can we.
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Look, once we get our cards,
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we'll be on our way to Randy in Texas...
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and what was in this for me again?
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5 1/2 near-death experiences?
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Hi, Visa. It's me, Caroline.
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My cards were stolen.
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I've seen backs of vans
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with better candy selections.
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This is a disgrace to
the name Gas and Gobble.
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How do you even wake up in the morning?
102
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My alligator licks my face.
103
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Oh, my God, Max.
104
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Whoever stole our credit
cards maxed them out.
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They spent the $1,500 we had left.
106
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No way.
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Someone just spent $1,500
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on phone cards and cigarettes.
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His name was Caroline Channing.
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What?
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That's my name!
112
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Ah, you got a dude's name.
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Ugh, we were robbed. Police!
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Where!
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Max, I am tired and I'm hungry
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and I can't find a mirror,
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but I am sensing a
disturbance in my hair.
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We have to go home!
119
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But we have to go to Texas.
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Randy needs me.
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He's saying it on his Snapchat story.
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Still on the movie set.
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Pretty lonely, so if
anyone would respond
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to my Words With Friends request,
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I promise to let you win,
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and if you're ever in Texas...
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why?
128
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See? He's begging me to come there.
129
00:05:06,087 --> 00:05:08,989
But we have no money to get to Texas.
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Wrong.
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I've got $11 in this one
132
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and $32 in this one.
133
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Lefty's been holding back as per usual.
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So your 43 boob dollars
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are gonna get us to Texas?
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Don't rule out my roll of butt quarters.
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Sweaty but ready.
138
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All right, can y'all folks lock up?
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I got to make a riverboat
140
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before it takes off to New Orleans.
141
00:05:35,783 --> 00:05:37,550
My cousin Tim put a voodoo curse on me.
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I got to talk to him about removing it.
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Caroline,
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New Orleans is close to Texas.
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The Hamburglar says so
on my McDonald's placemat,
146
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and he would never lie
147
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unless it's about stealing
delicious hamburgers.
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I'm confused. Do you want hamburgers
149
00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:54,530
or do you wanna take that riverboat?
150
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Obviously, the dream scenario is both.
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Ah, thank you very much.
152
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Max, people have tickets.
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You have to pay to get on this...
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what I'm positive will be my
sixth near-death experience.
155
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So bend over and unclench.
156
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We need those butt quarters.
157
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Who are you? My mother
at a church carnival?
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Have your tickets ready, please.
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All we have to do is act like we belong.
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Do I at least get to have
an adorable Southern accent?
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No accent.
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Well, I do declare
163
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that is mighty disappointing.
164
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Just follow my lead. It's
time to touch strangers.
165
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Hey, you got a permit for those guns?
166
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Well, I say,
167
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you got a permit for
168
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that light-up yo-yo?
169
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I have a girlfriend.
170
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Keep walking, buster.
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Max, the riverboat doesn't
get to New Orleans for two days
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and we have nowhere to sleep.
173
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Ooh, but there is
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a "Whittle Your Own
Banjo" workshop at 5:00.
175
00:07:07,308 --> 00:07:09,309
I have whittle-to-no interest in that.
176
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Ooh, it says they have
the loosest slots around.
177
00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:14,581
I guess the Darby sisters
from my hometown are here.
178
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I did see a bunch of lounge chairs
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over by the swamp exhibit.
180
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I guess we could sleep there tonight,
181
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and then the next night,
182
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well, hopefully we'll be dead.
183
00:07:23,090 --> 00:07:24,824
Come on, red!
184
00:07:24,825 --> 00:07:26,448
Max, no! That's all of our money!
185
00:07:26,449 --> 00:07:27,460
No more bets.
186
00:07:27,461 --> 00:07:29,629
Oh, that is so stupid,
187
00:07:29,630 --> 00:07:31,097
and not cute stupid like
188
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when you thought Velcro grew in nature.
189
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And red is the winner.
190
00:07:34,635 --> 00:07:37,470
Well, rootin' tootin'!
191
00:07:37,471 --> 00:07:40,607
I always bet on red because
my last name's Black,
192
00:07:40,608 --> 00:07:41,975
and that's ah-not been a winner.
193
00:07:41,976 --> 00:07:43,977
Okay, now that we've doubled our money,
194
00:07:43,978 --> 00:07:45,521
- maybe we should stop.
- Come on, red!
195
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- No more bets.
- No!
196
00:07:47,948 --> 00:07:50,416
I didn't even get to touch
it before you lost it.
197
00:07:50,417 --> 00:07:51,985
Why do you hate having things?
198
00:07:51,986 --> 00:07:53,620
Red again.
199
00:07:53,621 --> 00:07:56,790
Just call me Al Roker
'cause I'm making it rain.
200
00:07:56,791 --> 00:08:00,293
Max, we're winning at something.
201
00:08:01,661 --> 00:08:03,444
Don't just stand there
looking pretty, toots.
202
00:08:03,445 --> 00:08:04,430
Order daddy some wings.
203
00:08:04,431 --> 00:08:07,834
Oh, my God, I look pretty
204
00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:10,537
and I get to flag down a waitress.
205
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Waitress!
206
00:08:11,639 --> 00:08:13,439
I'll have a sarsaparilla
207
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:14,874
and some wings for big daddy.
208
00:08:16,110 --> 00:08:17,944
Sophie's calling.
209
00:08:17,945 --> 00:08:19,411
Pfft, like I'm gonna get it.
210
00:08:22,148 --> 00:08:24,984
Well, Caroline's not answering.
211
00:08:24,985 --> 00:08:27,187
Executive decision.
212
00:08:27,188 --> 00:08:30,156
Horses can eat a bunch of pudding.
213
00:08:30,157 --> 00:08:32,993
My cousin from Chernobyl
had a dog this size.
214
00:08:32,994 --> 00:08:34,661
He had three legs.
215
00:08:34,662 --> 00:08:37,163
My cousin, not the dog.
216
00:08:37,164 --> 00:08:40,667
Something good did
come out of Chernobyl.
217
00:08:40,668 --> 00:08:42,402
Excuse me?
218
00:08:42,403 --> 00:08:44,204
How much do you charge
for pictures with him?
219
00:08:44,205 --> 00:08:46,039
Oh, it depends.
220
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,675
How nude do you want him?
221
00:08:48,676 --> 00:08:50,376
Ew.
222
00:08:50,377 --> 00:08:51,744
We mean for our kids...
223
00:08:51,745 --> 00:08:53,213
with the horse.
224
00:08:53,214 --> 00:08:56,482
I don't think the "ew" was necessary.
225
00:08:56,483 --> 00:08:59,052
You don't know what you're missing.
226
00:08:59,053 --> 00:09:01,921
I mean, we're just
walking him for our friend.
227
00:09:01,922 --> 00:09:03,224
We'll give you $10 each.
228
00:09:03,225 --> 00:09:05,191
Sold to the woman who...
229
00:09:05,192 --> 00:09:07,392
"Doesn't" wanna see me naked.
230
00:09:19,910 --> 00:09:21,578
Come on, 18!
231
00:09:21,579 --> 00:09:24,648
Which is also the title
of my adult film debut.
232
00:09:24,649 --> 00:09:26,083
Mine would have been called,
233
00:09:26,084 --> 00:09:27,850
"Might As Well, I'm 24."
234
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,587
Excuse me, Mr. Moustache?
235
00:09:30,588 --> 00:09:33,556
Could you stop feeling
my ankle with your toes?
236
00:09:34,825 --> 00:09:37,627
I guess that's a no.
237
00:09:37,628 --> 00:09:39,596
Oh, 18 winner.
238
00:09:39,597 --> 00:09:41,465
We won! I'm rich!
239
00:09:41,466 --> 00:09:43,100
Now you have no shot with me.
240
00:09:43,101 --> 00:09:45,669
Stay close, sweet
cakes. You're good luck.
241
00:09:45,670 --> 00:09:48,305
Here, buddy. Buy
yourself some new sandals,
242
00:09:48,306 --> 00:09:50,340
and a round of mouthwash for the table.
243
00:09:50,341 --> 00:09:52,776
All right, place your bets.
244
00:09:52,777 --> 00:09:55,345
I placed mine on a liberal arts degree.
245
00:09:55,346 --> 00:09:56,513
That's why I'm here.
246
00:09:56,514 --> 00:09:58,648
Let it ride.
247
00:09:58,649 --> 00:10:00,851
Max, maybe we should
quit while we're ahead
248
00:10:00,852 --> 00:10:02,352
since we've never been before.
249
00:10:02,353 --> 00:10:03,854
Aren't you worried that we might...
250
00:10:03,855 --> 00:10:05,122
18 again!
251
00:10:05,123 --> 00:10:08,058
Keep winning and never die!
252
00:10:08,059 --> 00:10:09,459
Let's go with four.
253
00:10:09,460 --> 00:10:11,395
The number of men who have flashed me
254
00:10:11,396 --> 00:10:12,796
since I've been on this riverboat.
255
00:10:12,797 --> 00:10:14,730
Lucky four!
256
00:10:15,799 --> 00:10:17,033
No more bets.
257
00:10:17,034 --> 00:10:19,869
Whoa!
258
00:10:20,971 --> 00:10:22,072
Who's driving this thing?
259
00:10:22,073 --> 00:10:23,173
Gary Busey?
260
00:10:23,174 --> 00:10:25,976
Oh, four. No winners.
261
00:10:25,977 --> 00:10:28,678
Yes, winners. We had four,
262
00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:30,213
but then the boat moved our chips.
263
00:10:30,214 --> 00:10:32,048
Yeah, and it also spilled my soda.
264
00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:35,051
So like I said: No winners.
265
00:10:35,052 --> 00:10:36,520
Sure, we lost all our money,
266
00:10:36,521 --> 00:10:38,354
but at least you got to see some dongs.
267
00:10:42,092 --> 00:10:44,327
Hey, Sophie, it's me Car... ah!
268
00:10:44,328 --> 00:10:45,729
I fall for her...
269
00:10:45,730 --> 00:10:47,330
"Hello, this is Sophie"
270
00:10:47,331 --> 00:10:49,733
outgoing message every time.
271
00:10:49,734 --> 00:10:52,602
We need them to send that money.
272
00:10:52,603 --> 00:10:54,204
Oh, thank God. Hi, Sophie, it's...
273
00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:58,675
What's going on here?
274
00:10:58,676 --> 00:11:01,211
Are you selling pony
rides with Chestnut?
275
00:11:01,212 --> 00:11:04,681
Yes, but you got to wait
in line with the other kids.
276
00:11:04,682 --> 00:11:06,917
No, you don't, buddy.
277
00:11:06,918 --> 00:11:08,117
Up you go, champ.
278
00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:11,288
Get your hands off me!
279
00:11:11,289 --> 00:11:15,292
I don't want my picture taken!
280
00:11:15,293 --> 00:11:16,960
Right now.
281
00:11:16,961 --> 00:11:19,863
The girls asked me to make
sure you're feeding him,
282
00:11:19,864 --> 00:11:21,898
and here you are pimping him out
283
00:11:21,899 --> 00:11:23,233
like...
284
00:11:23,234 --> 00:11:25,035
this isn't my wheelhouse.
285
00:11:25,036 --> 00:11:26,269
Famous pimps, anyone?
286
00:11:26,270 --> 00:11:27,904
What?
287
00:11:27,905 --> 00:11:30,207
How dare they not trust us.
288
00:11:30,208 --> 00:11:32,943
This stops now!
289
00:11:32,944 --> 00:11:35,412
Unless your boy, Han,
290
00:11:35,413 --> 00:11:37,314
gets a little taste of the horse-play.
291
00:11:37,315 --> 00:11:39,315
Here.
292
00:11:40,717 --> 00:11:42,319
What's going on here?
293
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:43,653
Nothing.
294
00:11:43,654 --> 00:11:46,389
I know a shady deal when I see one.
295
00:11:46,390 --> 00:11:50,260
I was one of the loudest voices
against the Louisiana Purchase.
296
00:11:50,261 --> 00:11:52,462
Earl, what are you even doing here?
297
00:11:52,463 --> 00:11:54,130
I thought you lived at the diner.
298
00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:57,067
Well, thank God the girls
asked me to check on Han
299
00:11:57,068 --> 00:11:58,468
checking on you too
300
00:11:58,469 --> 00:11:59,970
'cause now this black male
301
00:11:59,971 --> 00:12:01,638
is about to blackmail you.
302
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,908
Okay, Earl's in too.
303
00:12:04,909 --> 00:12:07,677
At a lesser percentage because odds are
304
00:12:07,678 --> 00:12:09,545
he'll forget about all
of this momentarily.
305
00:12:10,747 --> 00:12:12,749
Excuse me, manager.
306
00:12:12,750 --> 00:12:14,084
We've been wronged,
307
00:12:14,085 --> 00:12:15,852
and not just generally by life.
308
00:12:15,853 --> 00:12:17,621
I don't know who to
complain to about that.
309
00:12:17,622 --> 00:12:20,156
Is there a problem over here?
310
00:12:20,157 --> 00:12:21,458
I'm the pit boss.
311
00:12:21,459 --> 00:12:23,293
I also do the mentalist show
312
00:12:23,294 --> 00:12:24,677
in the John Wilkes Booth Ballroom.
313
00:12:24,678 --> 00:12:26,530
Still lots of tickets available.
314
00:12:26,531 --> 00:12:28,431
Yes, there's a problem here.
315
00:12:28,432 --> 00:12:30,166
We just got cheated out of our winnings,
316
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:32,502
and I was already cheated
out of much of my 20s,
317
00:12:32,503 --> 00:12:35,105
but again, probably not your department.
318
00:12:35,106 --> 00:12:38,308
Why don't I send a
complimentary bottle of champagne
319
00:12:38,309 --> 00:12:39,476
to your room?
320
00:12:39,477 --> 00:12:41,111
And by "champagne" I mean wine,
321
00:12:41,112 --> 00:12:42,546
and by "bottle" I mean box.
322
00:12:42,547 --> 00:12:45,315
Uh, you know what? We'll take it here.
323
00:12:45,316 --> 00:12:47,817
Would there happen to
be a 7 Eleven Merlot?
324
00:12:47,818 --> 00:12:50,954
Max, wine in our room
sounds so much better.
325
00:12:50,955 --> 00:12:52,622
We can relax
326
00:12:52,623 --> 00:12:54,324
and focus on each other for once.
327
00:12:54,325 --> 00:12:56,091
Mm, great. What's the room number?
328
00:12:57,060 --> 00:12:58,828
Oh.
329
00:12:58,829 --> 00:13:02,232
I think she means oh-six.
330
00:13:02,233 --> 00:13:03,667
I don't think so.
331
00:13:03,668 --> 00:13:05,569
That room is still
an active crime scene.
332
00:13:06,904 --> 00:13:08,638
Stowaways, huh?
333
00:13:08,639 --> 00:13:10,502
I'll have the Coast Guard
come and pick you up.
334
00:13:10,503 --> 00:13:12,042
They're already coming for that guy.
335
00:13:12,043 --> 00:13:13,543
I didn't wanna strip my clothes off
336
00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:14,607
and try to drive the boat.
337
00:13:14,608 --> 00:13:15,879
It was that voodoo curse.
338
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,346
Damn you, Tim!
339
00:13:18,848 --> 00:13:21,551
Look, dude, if you're
really a mentalist,
340
00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:24,154
you'll know that I need to get
to Texas to see my boyfriend.
341
00:13:25,690 --> 00:13:27,857
I can tell that you're
telling the truth.
342
00:13:27,858 --> 00:13:30,894
Please, there has got to be a
way we can work something out.
343
00:13:30,895 --> 00:13:32,362
We'll do anything.
344
00:13:32,363 --> 00:13:34,731
Well, she will. I'll
do over the shirt stuff.
345
00:13:34,732 --> 00:13:35,899
Your shirt.
346
00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:38,467
If you take off that hat.
347
00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:46,109
Is there anywhere in the world
348
00:13:46,110 --> 00:13:49,179
where I don't have to be a waitress?
349
00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:50,412
Hooters?
350
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:52,815
Thanks.
351
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:06,512
I'm a cocktail waitress
on the Mississippi River.
352
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,880
This is a worse vacation
353
00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:09,848
than the one with Ed Helms in it.
354
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,185
Sorry, sir.
355
00:14:12,186 --> 00:14:13,486
Looking for some cell service.
356
00:14:13,487 --> 00:14:14,987
Hey, why don't I sit in your lap
357
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,055
and you can drive me
around? Two birds, one stone?
358
00:14:19,926 --> 00:14:23,128
I wasn't that attracted to you anyway.
359
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,399
I'm gonna go try to find some reception.
360
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,267
Seeing Randy miserable is the only thing
361
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:29,569
that'll cheer me up right now.
362
00:14:29,570 --> 00:14:31,203
Maybe he's crying.
363
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:36,743
One vodka for the gentleman
with the neck tattoo,
364
00:14:36,744 --> 00:14:39,112
and two vodkas for the lady
365
00:14:39,113 --> 00:14:40,779
who's into that sort of thing.
366
00:14:41,914 --> 00:14:43,750
Thank you.
367
00:14:43,751 --> 00:14:45,385
Your catfish tower's on its way.
368
00:14:45,386 --> 00:14:47,953
It takes two to carry
the cocktail sauce lagoon.
369
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:52,859
Everything on double-zero.
370
00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:55,261
Which has to be the
Yelp rating of this boat.
371
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:56,562
Excuse me?
372
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,497
Could I get a white wine spritzer?
373
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:03,102
Oh, come on, Vera. We share a locker.
374
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:04,303
Oh, double-zero.
375
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:05,371
Winner.
376
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:07,206
Yes, I'm a winner again!
377
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:09,041
Suck it, river people.
378
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:11,043
What is going on over here?
379
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:13,146
Employees are not allowed to gamble.
380
00:15:13,147 --> 00:15:15,648
Or, as of last week,
sexually harass each other.
381
00:15:15,649 --> 00:15:16,748
Thanks a lot, Craig.
382
00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:19,719
Ugh.
383
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,587
Poindexter in the radio room
384
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,456
wouldn't let me use the satellite phone.
385
00:15:23,457 --> 00:15:25,458
Also, I broke your satellite phone.
386
00:15:25,459 --> 00:15:27,460
That is it. You're fired.
387
00:15:27,461 --> 00:15:29,595
That's the worst news I've heard
388
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,297
since you said "you're hired."
389
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:34,434
There's a tug coming to
swap out the toilet tanks.
390
00:15:34,435 --> 00:15:36,068
I am putting you two on it.
391
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:37,670
As captains?
392
00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:40,038
Or should I say, crap-tains?
393
00:15:43,142 --> 00:15:44,609
Hey, everybody!
394
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:49,147
I got spinning wheels
for Barbara's carriage.
395
00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:52,285
Now's it's not just her attitude
396
00:15:52,286 --> 00:15:53,385
that's gangster.
397
00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:58,958
Uh... can y'all keep it down, please?
398
00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:01,861
I'm trying to set up my
new wireless headphones.
399
00:16:01,862 --> 00:16:04,931
Gonna make my WalkMan sound amazing.
400
00:16:04,932 --> 00:16:06,866
This is ridiculous.
401
00:16:06,867 --> 00:16:08,835
I'm trying to keep
things on the down-low,
402
00:16:08,836 --> 00:16:11,504
and you three went on
the biggest shopping spree
403
00:16:11,505 --> 00:16:14,040
since Ellen at a Men's Wearhouse sale.
404
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:16,309
Oh, wait a minute.
405
00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:18,044
Wait a minute.
406
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:22,381
Han, why are you
taller than the counter?
407
00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:26,185
Just been eating right
and getting enough sleep.
408
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:29,188
Yeah, something's weird.
409
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:32,057
You're almost the height
of an adult penguin.
410
00:16:33,292 --> 00:16:35,962
Fine! I treated myself to lifts.
411
00:16:35,963 --> 00:16:40,299
I was sick of being nose to
butt with everyone on the subway.
412
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,702
Check out Caroline's Instagram.
413
00:16:42,703 --> 00:16:44,470
Looks like they're in
more trouble than I was
414
00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:46,338
the last time I tried
to put on overalls.
415
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:50,810
Ooh, they're on a tugboat
filled with toilets,
416
00:16:50,811 --> 00:16:52,912
and she writes, "Help.
417
00:16:52,913 --> 00:16:55,715
Please send money."
418
00:16:55,716 --> 00:16:57,216
So...
419
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,651
quick unfollow?
420
00:16:58,652 --> 00:17:02,255
Or sleep on it and
pow-wow in the morning?
421
00:17:02,256 --> 00:17:04,590
No. We have to help them.
422
00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:07,192
I lost the cord to
these headphones anyway.
423
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,065
Oh, still got toilet boat legs.
424
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:17,469
Ugh, this place reeks of bait.
425
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:20,872
Oh, no, wait. That was
me. My mouth was open.
426
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,075
More importantly,
427
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:24,619
I finally have enough bars on my phone
428
00:17:24,620 --> 00:17:26,178
to stalk Randy on Snapchat.
429
00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:29,215
Oh, great! All of our
problems are solved,
430
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:31,617
except for food, money,
and a place to sleep.
431
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:33,719
So negative.
432
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,055
Have you not seen the sneeze-guard-less
433
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:38,558
bait shop salad bar?
434
00:17:38,559 --> 00:17:40,459
Speaking of pathetic,
435
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:43,496
let me just check in on poor Randy.
436
00:17:43,497 --> 00:17:45,932
Just another lonely
night here in Texas...
437
00:17:45,933 --> 00:17:47,700
with all my new best friends!
438
00:17:47,701 --> 00:17:49,134
- Hey!
- Ha-ha!
439
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:52,905
Hey! I was up next for Twister!
440
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:54,040
Classic Jake.
441
00:17:54,041 --> 00:17:55,575
- Hey!
- Hey!
442
00:17:55,576 --> 00:17:59,612
Ha. I'm sure he's just
putting on a happy face.
443
00:17:59,613 --> 00:18:01,914
That's obviously the
only way to handle Jake.
444
00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:04,984
Deep down, I can tell
he's genuinely upset.
445
00:18:04,985 --> 00:18:07,318
I'm just genuinely happy right now.
446
00:18:10,489 --> 00:18:14,260
Ugh, this salad bar stinks.
447
00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:16,429
No, wait. That's me again.
448
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:19,565
Oh, my God, Max!
449
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:22,134
The diner people put money
in our PayPal account!
450
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,003
They say it's from Chestnut,
451
00:18:24,004 --> 00:18:27,340
but he's not allowed on the
Internet when we're not home.
452
00:18:27,341 --> 00:18:28,841
I can't believe it.
453
00:18:28,842 --> 00:18:30,242
Me neither.
454
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:32,578
The diner people are all
we have in this world.
455
00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:35,448
And I used to have a
closet just for scarves.
456
00:18:35,449 --> 00:18:38,084
No! That Randy's happy without me.
457
00:18:38,085 --> 00:18:39,418
What am I doing?
458
00:18:39,419 --> 00:18:41,087
I'm dragging you all over the country
459
00:18:41,088 --> 00:18:43,789
after some guy who isn't
even interested in me anymore.
460
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:47,259
This is my worst idea since I
told DeNiro to stick to comedy.
461
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,928
So, what are you saying?
462
00:18:48,929 --> 00:18:50,830
I'm saying this is a mistake.
463
00:18:50,831 --> 00:18:52,525
Let's just go home like you said
464
00:18:52,526 --> 00:18:54,258
after that hyena
knocked you to the ground
465
00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:55,792
and tried to hump you.
466
00:18:57,861 --> 00:19:00,597
Can I get $12 on number four?
467
00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:04,467
And on which aisle can
I find tucking tape?
468
00:19:08,706 --> 00:19:11,875
Okay, I will just have
these Slim Jims and a Ho-Ho.
469
00:19:11,876 --> 00:19:14,343
It's not like I have to
fit into couture today.
470
00:19:20,184 --> 00:19:21,885
- Stop hitting me.
- Stop hitting me!
471
00:19:21,886 --> 00:19:24,688
Girls, stop fighting.
472
00:19:24,689 --> 00:19:27,324
I hate to see women fighting each other.
473
00:19:27,325 --> 00:19:28,659
Well, unless, of course,
474
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:30,227
it's Hoda and Kathie Lee
475
00:19:30,228 --> 00:19:32,228
over the last glass of chardonnay.
476
00:19:33,831 --> 00:19:35,699
That's RuPaul!
477
00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:37,667
From RuPaul's Drag Race!
478
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:41,071
We love your show. We used to watch it
479
00:19:41,072 --> 00:19:42,495
through our neighbor Jeff's window.
480
00:19:42,496 --> 00:19:43,540
But then he met Dean,
481
00:19:43,541 --> 00:19:45,309
and now all they do is cook naked.
482
00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:47,378
So we just watch that now.
483
00:19:47,379 --> 00:19:49,213
Oh, you poor babies.
484
00:19:49,214 --> 00:19:51,515
So, why the cat fight?
485
00:19:51,516 --> 00:19:53,851
Did she steal your size 12 stilettos?
486
00:19:53,852 --> 00:19:56,653
'Cause I would cut a bitch for that.
487
00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:58,389
We were actually on our way to Texas
488
00:19:58,390 --> 00:20:00,591
to see if she and her
ex could patch things us.
489
00:20:00,592 --> 00:20:02,226
No, we're not going to Texas.
490
00:20:02,227 --> 00:20:03,427
We're going back home.
491
00:20:03,428 --> 00:20:05,162
Sometimes you got to admit defeat...
492
00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:08,599
and that there is a very live
junebug in this macaroni salad.
493
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:13,370
Oh, no, honey. I do not
like the sound of defeat.
494
00:20:13,371 --> 00:20:16,407
You want to know where I'd be
if I'd given up on my dreams?
495
00:20:16,408 --> 00:20:18,409
Living right down the road
496
00:20:18,410 --> 00:20:20,911
managing a Dress Barn,
497
00:20:20,912 --> 00:20:24,715
driving 400 miles in a
ball gown to sing karaoke.
498
00:20:24,716 --> 00:20:28,252
I would not be the
supermodel of the world
499
00:20:28,253 --> 00:20:29,920
that I am today,
500
00:20:29,921 --> 00:20:31,388
okay?
501
00:20:31,389 --> 00:20:33,223
Hello.
502
00:20:33,224 --> 00:20:37,227
Hey, listen. I'm driving to
Texas if y'all want a ride.
503
00:20:37,228 --> 00:20:41,465
Well, shall we sashay away?
504
00:20:41,466 --> 00:20:43,734
You know that's copyrighted.
505
00:20:43,735 --> 00:20:46,736
Say it again, and you owe me $12,000.
506
00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:50,707
- Aah!
- Ah! Shotgun!
507
00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:51,875
I'm sitting next to RuPaul!
508
00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:53,243
No. I'm sitting next to RuPaul.
509
00:20:58,622 --> 00:21:06,381
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.