1
00:00:02,211 --> 00:00:06,015
So it's a tequila shot on
top of Devil's food cake.
2
00:00:06,016 --> 00:00:08,178
We can call it Satan's nipple.
3
00:00:09,113 --> 00:00:12,820
Okay, but I think the menu's
already a little nipple heavy.
4
00:00:13,419 --> 00:00:14,752
As am I.
5
00:00:16,288 --> 00:00:17,957
Girls, two questions...
6
00:00:17,958 --> 00:00:19,758
- No.
- And no.
7
00:00:19,759 --> 00:00:22,928
I was coming to see how baby
Barbara's baptism was coming.
8
00:00:22,929 --> 00:00:26,130
Also, what drink goes best
with a heavy muscle relaxer?
9
00:00:27,700 --> 00:00:31,168
I'd try the nipple-tini
or the piña co-nipple.
10
00:00:33,138 --> 00:00:34,707
Oleg, are you okay?
11
00:00:34,708 --> 00:00:36,775
I haven't seen you this
wound up since California
12
00:00:36,776 --> 00:00:39,244
passed that law to make
porn actors wear condoms.
13
00:00:39,245 --> 00:00:40,778
It ruins the visuals.
14
00:00:42,715 --> 00:00:44,817
You're the godparents,
and my mama is coming
15
00:00:44,818 --> 00:00:46,885
all the way from
the Ukraine for this baptism,
16
00:00:46,886 --> 00:00:49,854
so it's got to be
balls to the walls perfect.
17
00:00:52,057 --> 00:00:54,994
Not that balls on walls
isn't a fun theme,
18
00:00:54,995 --> 00:00:56,629
but I'm thinking of going another way
19
00:00:56,630 --> 00:00:58,163
with the baptism party,
20
00:00:58,164 --> 00:01:01,500
what with there being a child involved.
21
00:01:01,501 --> 00:01:03,382
Now, if you don't mind,
we're not supposed to be
22
00:01:03,383 --> 00:01:05,406
at the diner for 10 minutes,
so we'll see you there
23
00:01:05,407 --> 00:01:06,839
in like an hour.
24
00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,220
What's this? Eh, doesn't matter.
25
00:01:10,142 --> 00:01:13,144
(coughs)
26
00:01:16,348 --> 00:01:18,382
Whatever it is, put that on the menu.
27
00:01:20,452 --> 00:01:22,655
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
28
00:01:22,656 --> 00:01:24,289
(cash register bell dings)
29
00:01:24,290 --> 00:01:29,544
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
30
00:01:31,830 --> 00:01:34,667
Caroline, did you get
my RSVP to the baptism?
31
00:01:34,668 --> 00:01:37,668
Sure did, two seconds
after I sent the e-vite.
32
00:01:39,204 --> 00:01:40,706
Sorry about the lag time.
33
00:01:40,707 --> 00:01:42,540
I thought I was being punked again.
34
00:01:44,176 --> 00:01:46,545
But, I'm happy to help
on an official level.
35
00:01:46,546 --> 00:01:49,281
I've been involved in many
baptisms at my church.
36
00:01:49,282 --> 00:01:51,549
The Church of Latter Day Smurfs?
37
00:01:55,020 --> 00:01:57,489
For your information,
I've achieved a position
38
00:01:57,490 --> 00:01:58,490
of some stature.
39
00:01:58,491 --> 00:01:59,557
Papa Smurf?
40
00:02:01,694 --> 00:02:03,027
It's not a Smurf church!
41
00:02:04,663 --> 00:02:06,065
I want to be the altar boy.
42
00:02:06,066 --> 00:02:09,068
Okay, but no Communion wine for you.
43
00:02:09,069 --> 00:02:10,501
You get slutty when you drink.
44
00:02:13,205 --> 00:02:14,772
Oh, look, Oleg's mom's here.
45
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,514
More clean-shaven than I expected.
46
00:02:25,317 --> 00:02:27,385
Really, girls? Mom jokes?
47
00:02:28,954 --> 00:02:29,954
Oleg.
48
00:02:31,023 --> 00:02:32,089
Mama!
49
00:02:33,492 --> 00:02:37,628
My gorgeous, beautiful, sexy baby boy.
50
00:02:39,064 --> 00:02:40,966
He didn't tell us she was blind.
51
00:02:40,967 --> 00:02:43,301
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
52
00:02:45,003 --> 00:02:48,272
Should we stop this before Oleg
becomes his own step-father?
53
00:02:50,976 --> 00:02:54,079
To think I made this.
54
00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,048
You win some, you lose some.
55
00:02:56,049 --> 00:02:58,851
I look fantastic, eh?
56
00:02:58,852 --> 00:03:01,520
I've been doing Pilatskis.
57
00:03:01,521 --> 00:03:04,523
Like Pilates, only
instead of rubber bands
58
00:03:04,524 --> 00:03:07,760
you do it with big airplane tires.
59
00:03:07,761 --> 00:03:10,295
Oh, mama, you're back to
your shot-putting weight.
60
00:03:10,296 --> 00:03:11,630
Ahh.
61
00:03:11,631 --> 00:03:15,801
Feel my thigh, eh? Squeeze it.
62
00:03:15,802 --> 00:03:16,902
Harder.
63
00:03:16,903 --> 00:03:18,504
Harder!
64
00:03:18,505 --> 00:03:19,505
All right, now punch it.
65
00:03:19,506 --> 00:03:21,639
Like mother/son fight club.
66
00:03:23,075 --> 00:03:25,744
Hi, I'm Caroline Channing.
67
00:03:25,745 --> 00:03:27,484
They're making a movie about me,
68
00:03:27,485 --> 00:03:29,152
but I'm just a regular person.
69
00:03:29,153 --> 00:03:32,255
That they're making a movie about.
70
00:03:32,256 --> 00:03:34,758
I'm Max Black... I'm sure you've
heard about me from Oleg
71
00:03:34,759 --> 00:03:37,727
or Channel 7 Scam Busters.
72
00:03:37,728 --> 00:03:40,263
Oh, and this is Earl.
He runs the register,
73
00:03:40,264 --> 00:03:43,467
and he's the reason we know
our defibrillator works.
74
00:03:43,468 --> 00:03:47,938
Yeah, thanks for bringing me
back from heaven, girls.
75
00:03:47,939 --> 00:03:50,640
If you need a place to crash,
my roommate is out of town
76
00:03:50,641 --> 00:03:51,975
for the weekend.
77
00:03:51,976 --> 00:03:56,771
Mm, well, I do like Black Russians,
78
00:03:56,772 --> 00:03:58,071
so we're halfway there.
79
00:04:00,942 --> 00:04:04,511
Sorry, Earl, she's spoken for.
She's dating my Uncle Oleg.
80
00:04:05,947 --> 00:04:08,516
Well, if you two ever
decide to tie the knot,
81
00:04:08,517 --> 00:04:12,120
I am a Universal Life Minister.
82
00:04:12,121 --> 00:04:13,688
Did I mention my roommate's out
83
00:04:13,689 --> 00:04:16,190
of town for the weekend?
84
00:04:16,191 --> 00:04:19,060
I'm only asking 'cause I forgot.
85
00:04:19,061 --> 00:04:24,499
Mrs. Golishevsky, Han Lee,
your son's boss.
86
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:25,699
He's a great...
87
00:04:29,003 --> 00:04:29,870
A good...
88
00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:34,040
We haven't had to... Welcome!
89
00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:38,913
Max and I are the godparents,
Mrs. Golishevsky.
90
00:04:38,914 --> 00:04:40,214
I know what you're thinking:
91
00:04:40,215 --> 00:04:42,650
I look too young to have a godbaby.
92
00:04:42,651 --> 00:04:45,018
Don't tell me what I'm thinking.
93
00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:50,691
Two godmommies? Really?
94
00:04:50,692 --> 00:04:53,861
All right, no, I get it. I'm very hip.
95
00:04:53,862 --> 00:04:56,596
Who among us has not kissed a woman?
96
00:04:58,366 --> 00:04:59,566
Han.
97
00:05:03,104 --> 00:05:05,840
It was a pleasure to...
98
00:05:05,841 --> 00:05:08,209
You seem...
99
00:05:08,210 --> 00:05:10,745
I'm so happy we...
100
00:05:10,746 --> 00:05:11,778
Catch you later.
101
00:05:15,216 --> 00:05:16,816
Hey, everybody.
102
00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:23,091
I would've gotten here sooner,
but Teresa Giudice
103
00:05:23,092 --> 00:05:27,093
was on Hoda & Kathie Lee,
and Barbara wanted to watch.
104
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:34,668
It's okay... she's strapped in.
105
00:05:36,304 --> 00:05:41,142
This is my beautiful wife and my
beautiful baby mama, mama.
106
00:05:41,143 --> 00:05:44,645
It's a pleasure, I know.
107
00:05:44,646 --> 00:05:49,082
How can you listen to
that accent all day long?
108
00:05:50,118 --> 00:05:51,618
Yikes.
109
00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:55,323
Yikes?
110
00:05:55,324 --> 00:05:59,127
It means... she yikes it.
111
00:05:59,128 --> 00:06:01,796
Oh, there she is.
112
00:06:01,797 --> 00:06:06,100
Little baby Bair-bra.
113
00:06:06,101 --> 00:06:10,004
You know, I would have
named her Bohuslava.
114
00:06:10,005 --> 00:06:13,474
Isn't that a prettier name, Oleg?
115
00:06:13,475 --> 00:06:14,474
(spits)
116
00:06:16,911 --> 00:06:20,947
No, we like Barbara, don't we, Oleg?
117
00:06:22,617 --> 00:06:24,718
Anybody gonna put in
an order around here?
118
00:06:33,806 --> 00:06:36,676
Wow, haven't been to a church in, uh...
119
00:06:36,677 --> 00:06:39,012
Have I ever been to a church?
120
00:06:39,013 --> 00:06:42,181
If I burst into flames,
you can have all my possessions.
121
00:06:42,182 --> 00:06:44,469
Great, I'm really looking
forward to owning
122
00:06:44,470 --> 00:06:47,538
two bongs and a treasure map.
123
00:06:47,539 --> 00:06:51,209
Oh, that's just a place
mat from Bubba Gump's.
124
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:53,144
Learned that the hard way.
125
00:06:53,145 --> 00:06:55,046
Hi, Mrs. Golishevsky.
126
00:06:55,047 --> 00:06:56,547
You look so nice.
127
00:06:56,548 --> 00:07:00,651
I don't look nice. I look fantastic.
128
00:07:00,652 --> 00:07:02,220
This is Father Kozac.
129
00:07:02,221 --> 00:07:04,822
He will be performing the baptism.
130
00:07:04,823 --> 00:07:10,328
Yes, and I also perform
in an R&B group.
131
00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:13,096
You may have heard of us:
Altar Boys to Men?
132
00:07:15,132 --> 00:07:17,835
You two have to wear
this on your heads,
133
00:07:17,836 --> 00:07:19,804
to show respect for God.
134
00:07:19,805 --> 00:07:22,872
And also because most
Ukrainian women are bald.
135
00:07:24,342 --> 00:07:25,542
Hands up! Give me the baby!
136
00:07:27,478 --> 00:07:31,015
All rightsky, should we get started?
137
00:07:31,016 --> 00:07:34,085
Em, here you go, Max.
138
00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:35,453
Oh, hmm.
139
00:07:35,454 --> 00:07:37,454
What, like a hot-potato situation?
140
00:07:40,791 --> 00:07:44,128
Before the baptism, the father
will question you about
141
00:07:44,129 --> 00:07:46,797
guiding the spiritual
life of the child.
142
00:07:46,798 --> 00:07:49,767
You know, taking her to church,
143
00:07:49,768 --> 00:07:51,969
making sure she only wears pants
144
00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:53,604
to drive the tractor.
145
00:07:53,605 --> 00:07:56,641
Yeah, then I will say a prayer,
146
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,643
you hand me the baby...
147
00:07:58,644 --> 00:07:59,809
(thud)
148
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:07,818
And I will baptize her like so.
149
00:08:07,819 --> 00:08:09,687
Eh?
150
00:08:09,688 --> 00:08:13,324
So basically we're just
waterboarding a baby.
151
00:08:13,325 --> 00:08:16,294
Excuse me, do you know
what a baptism is?
152
00:08:16,295 --> 00:08:18,895
No, she knows, she's just shy.
153
00:08:19,997 --> 00:08:21,732
So, Max, do you pray?
154
00:08:21,733 --> 00:08:25,836
Oh, she prays all the time, right, Max?
155
00:08:25,837 --> 00:08:28,072
I'm always hearing her
in her bedroom say,
156
00:08:28,073 --> 00:08:31,007
"Oh God, oh God, oh God!"
157
00:08:32,476 --> 00:08:35,846
One of those times was
because an owl got in there.
158
00:08:35,847 --> 00:08:39,650
So do you have a good
relationship with the Father?
159
00:08:39,651 --> 00:08:42,853
Uh, well, he took off
before I was born, so,
160
00:08:42,854 --> 00:08:45,423
all I know about him is he
makes really great decisions.
161
00:08:45,424 --> 00:08:48,926
No, no, now, that is
not the father I mean.
162
00:08:48,927 --> 00:08:50,695
I mean that one.
163
00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:54,498
Oh, Santa Claus?
164
00:08:54,499 --> 00:08:56,901
I want to, but every
house in one night?
165
00:08:56,902 --> 00:08:58,101
Come on.
166
00:08:59,704 --> 00:09:01,772
She got hit in the head
with a softball recently.
167
00:09:01,773 --> 00:09:05,009
No, not Santa Claus!
168
00:09:05,010 --> 00:09:08,144
What do you think,
this is some kind of joke?
169
00:09:09,780 --> 00:09:13,617
You are not fit to be my
granddaughter's godmommies,
170
00:09:13,618 --> 00:09:16,887
I don't care how much I hate her name.
171
00:09:16,888 --> 00:09:18,956
Kaputzki.
172
00:09:18,957 --> 00:09:20,858
God, oh God, oh God.
173
00:09:20,859 --> 00:09:22,792
What? Did an owl get in here?
174
00:09:24,195 --> 00:09:25,229
God, oh God, oh God.
175
00:09:31,643 --> 00:09:33,778
I can't believe we
got fired as godmothers.
176
00:09:33,779 --> 00:09:35,981
I've never been fired before.
177
00:09:35,982 --> 00:09:38,550
And don't bring up that
Habitat for Humanity thing.
178
00:09:38,551 --> 00:09:40,619
We mutually parted ways.
179
00:09:40,620 --> 00:09:44,489
Yeah, and then you guys
never finished my house.
180
00:09:44,490 --> 00:09:45,623
(knocking)
181
00:09:46,925 --> 00:09:48,126
Hey, girls.
182
00:09:48,127 --> 00:09:50,128
Hey, look at this new machine.
183
00:09:50,129 --> 00:09:53,665
It's like a radio
that monitors the baby.
184
00:09:53,666 --> 00:09:58,303
Live from upstairs, it's W-B-A-B-Y!
185
00:09:58,304 --> 00:10:00,343
It's a great thing if you're not home,
186
00:10:00,344 --> 00:10:02,544
or you just don't trust your baby.
187
00:10:02,545 --> 00:10:05,480
I'm assuming you haven't
talked to Mrs. Golishevsky
188
00:10:05,481 --> 00:10:07,916
since you're not scream-crying at us.
189
00:10:07,917 --> 00:10:10,152
I am now!
190
00:10:10,153 --> 00:10:12,053
What happened at the rehearsal?
191
00:10:12,054 --> 00:10:15,658
Um, everything's fine,
but Mrs. Golishevsky
192
00:10:15,659 --> 00:10:17,826
fired us as godparents.
193
00:10:17,827 --> 00:10:20,862
She really did not like Caroline.
194
00:10:20,863 --> 00:10:23,765
I am not the one she put
a thousand year curse on.
195
00:10:23,766 --> 00:10:25,567
I got it down to 500.
196
00:10:25,568 --> 00:10:30,405
Oh, she can't just come up here
197
00:10:30,406 --> 00:10:34,376
and fire my godparents
and drink my beer
198
00:10:34,377 --> 00:10:37,913
and talk over American Ninja Warrior.
199
00:10:37,914 --> 00:10:41,049
Sophie, she's only here
for another week, and then
200
00:10:41,050 --> 00:10:43,018
everything will go back to normal.
201
00:10:43,019 --> 00:10:45,754
We'll have the bed to ourselves again.
202
00:10:45,755 --> 00:10:49,191
Oleg, if she thinks she
can fire my godparents
203
00:10:49,192 --> 00:10:53,160
and use my kettle bells, then
I'm calling off the baptism.
204
00:10:55,297 --> 00:10:58,400
We need to go upstairs and
set your mother straight.
205
00:10:58,401 --> 00:11:00,802
And if you think that
you are gonna have sex
206
00:11:00,803 --> 00:11:03,305
in the next three hours, oh, well,
207
00:11:03,306 --> 00:11:06,208
you've got another thing coming!
208
00:11:06,209 --> 00:11:09,244
Three hours? What about hand stuff?
209
00:11:09,245 --> 00:11:12,346
Oh, we'll see.
210
00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:18,386
I didn't want to bring this
up when she was upset,
211
00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:20,322
but those are my kettle bells.
212
00:11:20,323 --> 00:11:21,790
(knocking)
213
00:11:21,791 --> 00:11:23,458
I'm upset too.
214
00:11:23,459 --> 00:11:27,062
That was the only party I was
invited to this year.
215
00:11:27,063 --> 00:11:29,631
Girls, I wanted to show you
the two robes I'm considering
216
00:11:29,632 --> 00:11:31,233
for the baptism.
217
00:11:31,234 --> 00:11:34,769
And, FYI, your doorbell
is electrocuting people.
218
00:11:34,770 --> 00:11:36,505
Definitely the white.
The baptism's off.
219
00:11:36,506 --> 00:11:37,538
Bye.
220
00:11:40,108 --> 00:11:42,143
Max, Han just made me
realize something,
221
00:11:42,144 --> 00:11:43,678
and not just that he would look
222
00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:44,746
really cute in a dress.
223
00:11:44,747 --> 00:11:46,848
Between him, the baby,
224
00:11:46,849 --> 00:11:49,150
and Earl being a minister,
we have almost everything
225
00:11:49,151 --> 00:11:50,819
we need for a baptism.
226
00:11:50,820 --> 00:11:53,855
We did do that exorcism here,
which clearly didn't work
227
00:11:53,856 --> 00:11:55,657
because that 1800s lady
was watching me sleep
228
00:11:55,658 --> 00:11:57,425
again last night.
229
00:11:57,426 --> 00:12:01,162
Anyway, where is it written that
a baptism has to be in a church,
230
00:12:01,163 --> 00:12:02,464
other than the Bible?
231
00:12:02,465 --> 00:12:04,199
I mean, all we need is holy water.
232
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:07,269
Ask the 1800s lady.
She's always carrying a bucket.
233
00:12:07,270 --> 00:12:12,107
♪
234
00:12:12,108 --> 00:12:14,109
Why not steal holy water from a church?
235
00:12:14,110 --> 00:12:15,277
God's already mad at me.
236
00:12:15,278 --> 00:12:18,713
I woke up with a zit behind my ear.
237
00:12:18,714 --> 00:12:20,615
Wow, that's all I can look at now.
238
00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:22,850
Leave it! That's my Saturday night.
239
00:12:25,053 --> 00:12:28,723
Okay, I'm more nimble,
so you distract Father Kozac
240
00:12:28,724 --> 00:12:30,959
while I grab the holy water.
241
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,061
Nice jug.
242
00:12:33,062 --> 00:12:36,631
Max, I've been waiting six
years for you to say that.
243
00:12:36,632 --> 00:12:38,867
Now go tell Father Kozac
you need to confess.
244
00:12:38,868 --> 00:12:40,201
(groans) Okay, but then I'll get
245
00:12:40,202 --> 00:12:42,070
kicked out of the crypts.
246
00:12:42,071 --> 00:12:47,576
Max and Caroline, Sophie said
the baptism's canceled,
247
00:12:47,577 --> 00:12:50,979
as is Altar Boys to Men's next gig.
248
00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:53,415
It's been a tough day.
249
00:12:53,416 --> 00:12:55,584
Actually, Max is here to confess.
250
00:12:55,585 --> 00:12:58,553
I'm traditionally more of a victim.
251
00:12:58,554 --> 00:13:00,055
All right, let's do this.
252
00:13:00,056 --> 00:13:02,557
Where's your little shame box thing?
253
00:13:02,558 --> 00:13:05,260
Our confessional is under construction,
254
00:13:05,261 --> 00:13:07,795
although it's taking Sergei forever.
255
00:13:09,264 --> 00:13:11,099
We can do it right here.
256
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:13,335
Oh. (laughs)
257
00:13:13,336 --> 00:13:18,372
Oh, hmm, suddenly I can't
think of much to confess.
258
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,783
Pretty sure someone
Men in Black'd me in 2008.
259
00:13:28,784 --> 00:13:32,020
A-ha, well, start by kneeling.
260
00:13:32,021 --> 00:13:33,622
Okay.
261
00:13:33,623 --> 00:13:35,989
Oh, some stuff's starting
to come back to me.
262
00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:42,530
Just to summarize, uh,
fires, fires, knife fights,
263
00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:44,899
robberies, robberies, knife robberies,
264
00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:47,501
but third grade is where
the real sinning began.
265
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:58,780
Oh, just give me a second.
I'm on a real roll here.
266
00:13:58,781 --> 00:14:02,316
♪ Ahh ♪
267
00:14:04,653 --> 00:14:08,390
For an illegitimate,
blasphemous, back-alley baptism,
268
00:14:08,391 --> 00:14:10,892
I think it looks pretty.
269
00:14:10,893 --> 00:14:13,061
Hey, when are we gonna
get started, girls?
270
00:14:13,062 --> 00:14:16,296
I'm performing a conscious
uncoupling at 2:00.
271
00:14:17,832 --> 00:14:21,236
Ooh, this is cute.
272
00:14:21,237 --> 00:14:24,239
Much nicer than
the church/slaughterhouse
273
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,474
I was baptized in.
274
00:14:26,475 --> 00:14:28,243
Sophie, you look beautiful.
275
00:14:28,244 --> 00:14:30,912
Oleg, I'm glad you didn't
wear your vagina tie.
276
00:14:30,913 --> 00:14:31,979
It's dirty.
277
00:14:33,948 --> 00:14:36,484
Hey, thanks for stealing
the holy water and going to
278
00:14:36,485 --> 00:14:38,520
hell for baby Barbara, girls.
279
00:14:38,521 --> 00:14:41,856
I'm just glad I look good in red.
280
00:14:41,857 --> 00:14:43,958
Max, you're gonna have
so many friends there,
281
00:14:43,959 --> 00:14:45,794
and I'm not gonna know anyone.
282
00:14:45,795 --> 00:14:49,698
Let's get ready to baptize.
283
00:14:49,699 --> 00:14:51,332
I sent my mother to Curves.
284
00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:53,634
It's a bi's and tri's day for her.
285
00:14:56,638 --> 00:14:58,138
Speaking of bi's who try.
286
00:14:59,808 --> 00:15:02,877
I told you, I thought Grindr
was a kitchenware app.
287
00:15:02,878 --> 00:15:06,881
Found out the hard way that
"melon baller" has two meanings.
288
00:15:06,882 --> 00:15:10,118
Hey, before we start, can I
get a hit off of this thing?
289
00:15:10,119 --> 00:15:13,121
It's an incense boat,
Earl, not wacky-tobacky.
290
00:15:13,122 --> 00:15:14,889
We ain't picky.
291
00:15:14,890 --> 00:15:17,358
Puff, puff, pass, sister act.
292
00:15:17,359 --> 00:15:23,298
I'd be insulted if that wasn't
my third favorite movie.
293
00:15:23,299 --> 00:15:28,737
Sophie, oh, Barbara's dress
is beautiful.
294
00:15:28,738 --> 00:15:32,073
Hi. Oh, I love her makeup.
295
00:15:32,074 --> 00:15:34,342
Who did the smokey eye?
296
00:15:34,343 --> 00:15:35,523
All right, let's huddle up.
297
00:15:37,746 --> 00:15:40,014
Ugh, this reminds me of
my time singing Doo-wop
298
00:15:40,015 --> 00:15:41,883
over a trash fire.
299
00:15:41,884 --> 00:15:44,385
Okay, let's begin.
300
00:15:44,386 --> 00:15:46,654
Ashes to ashes, dust to...
301
00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:49,924
oops, wrong page.
302
00:15:49,925 --> 00:15:54,896
Max and Caroline, yeah,
as Barbara's godparents,
303
00:15:54,897 --> 00:15:57,732
do you agree to look out
for her welfare and to be
304
00:15:57,733 --> 00:16:00,368
honest if she puts on a few pounds?
305
00:16:00,369 --> 00:16:04,105
I mean, you know, not now,
but in a couple of months?
306
00:16:04,106 --> 00:16:07,709
Hey, I like baby who
can fill out a diaper.
307
00:16:07,710 --> 00:16:10,345
I think she just filled one out.
308
00:16:10,346 --> 00:16:11,513
Hi, Barbara.
309
00:16:11,514 --> 00:16:12,914
It's my fault you're having
310
00:16:12,915 --> 00:16:14,749
your baptism in a bar
instead of a church,
311
00:16:14,750 --> 00:16:17,051
but that's just how we roll.
312
00:16:17,052 --> 00:16:18,620
You're family now, and I promise,
313
00:16:18,621 --> 00:16:21,054
no matter what happens,
we will always have your back.
314
00:16:23,057 --> 00:16:26,628
Yeah, you can talk to me
about boys, or girls,
315
00:16:26,629 --> 00:16:29,630
or whatever they have
by the time you're a teenager.
316
00:16:30,899 --> 00:16:35,703
You can call me Uncle Han,
the Han-ster.
317
00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:38,807
You know what? Han's fine.
318
00:16:38,808 --> 00:16:43,978
In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Ghost,
319
00:16:43,979 --> 00:16:48,582
I baptize this child
Barbara Kuchenski Golishevsky.
320
00:16:51,586 --> 00:16:52,487
Yay!
321
00:16:52,488 --> 00:16:54,422
We did it, Sophie.
322
00:16:54,423 --> 00:16:58,560
We baptized little Bohus... Barbara.
323
00:16:58,561 --> 00:17:00,795
Aww, she's smiling.
324
00:17:00,796 --> 00:17:04,499
Hey, oh, yeah, you know what?
325
00:17:04,500 --> 00:17:07,868
She can tell that she avoided
an eternal hell fire.
326
00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:12,839
What is going on here?
327
00:17:14,108 --> 00:17:17,178
Mama, you're back so soon.
328
00:17:17,179 --> 00:17:18,346
Damn you, Curves.
329
00:17:18,347 --> 00:17:19,981
I forgot it's an hour workout
330
00:17:19,982 --> 00:17:21,950
packed into 30 minutes.
331
00:17:21,951 --> 00:17:23,751
The gym is garbage.
332
00:17:23,752 --> 00:17:26,321
They don't even have nunchucks.
333
00:17:26,322 --> 00:17:29,356
What, you're not having this
baptism without me, are you?
334
00:17:30,358 --> 00:17:31,759
Go ahead, Oleg.
335
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,761
Tell her the truth,
336
00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:35,495
or you're sleeping
in the middle tonight.
337
00:17:37,031 --> 00:17:40,435
Mama, here's the truth,
338
00:17:40,436 --> 00:17:43,371
whether you like it or not:
339
00:17:43,372 --> 00:17:46,707
My friends and I like to dress
up and put on pretend baptisms.
340
00:17:48,042 --> 00:17:51,479
Come on, I know you have balls.
341
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:55,516
They were hanging out of
my nightgown this morning.
342
00:17:55,517 --> 00:18:00,054
Mama, we just baptized
Barbara without you.
343
00:18:00,055 --> 00:18:01,522
Sophie wants Max and Caroline as
344
00:18:01,523 --> 00:18:05,293
the godparents, and so do I.
345
00:18:05,294 --> 00:18:09,564
So you're siding with these
people against your mama?
346
00:18:09,565 --> 00:18:11,199
Yes, mama.
347
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:15,236
Oh, there's those big, beautiful balls.
348
00:18:15,237 --> 00:18:16,770
Are they out?
349
00:18:18,873 --> 00:18:21,743
I don't know, but I can't
see them again today.
350
00:18:21,744 --> 00:18:25,680
Oleg, you sound just
like your sister, Oleg.
351
00:18:25,681 --> 00:18:29,484
Are you gonna spank me in here,
or can we go in another room?
352
00:18:29,485 --> 00:18:32,919
Because I don't love, love, love
the underwear I'm wearing.
353
00:18:34,989 --> 00:18:37,425
To stand up to me,
354
00:18:37,426 --> 00:18:41,496
you must really love these people.
355
00:18:41,497 --> 00:18:45,767
No, Oleg, I am not going to spank you.
356
00:18:45,768 --> 00:18:49,070
That is your wife's job now.
357
00:18:49,071 --> 00:18:51,372
I will send you my paddle.
358
00:18:51,373 --> 00:18:55,410
Aw, yeah, that would be great,
Mrs. Golishevsky,
359
00:18:55,411 --> 00:18:57,377
'cause I shattered the last one.
360
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,114
Call me mama.
361
00:19:00,115 --> 00:19:03,718
Aww, okay, mama.
362
00:19:03,719 --> 00:19:05,619
No, that doesn't work.
363
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:17,757
So I'm just gonna put
the holy water back
364
00:19:17,758 --> 00:19:20,559
where I got it, and it'll be
like I never stole it at all.
365
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,495
I can't risk the wrath of God.
366
00:19:22,496 --> 00:19:23,719
Or have I already suffered it?
367
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,231
It's so hard to tell.
368
00:19:25,232 --> 00:19:28,300
Would you stop overreacting?
Our walls bled once.
369
00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:30,870
Here comes the priest.
370
00:19:30,871 --> 00:19:34,573
Max, did you come back
to finish confession?
371
00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:36,642
I want to hear what happened
when you were living
372
00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:37,942
with Jack Nicholson.
373
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:43,983
Did I get all the way
up to fifth grade?
374
00:19:43,984 --> 00:19:47,453
So you're just here to
bring back the holy water?
375
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,155
You knew about that?
376
00:19:49,156 --> 00:19:52,658
God sees everything.
377
00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:54,126
Really?
378
00:19:54,127 --> 00:19:57,730
Yes, but so do our security cameras.
379
00:19:57,731 --> 00:20:00,166
And I thought you weren't
really a believer.
380
00:20:00,167 --> 00:20:04,203
Uh, I don't know, I mean,
I never met my dad,
381
00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:05,905
but sometimes I think
maybe he's out there
382
00:20:05,906 --> 00:20:07,540
hoping I'm gonna be okay.
383
00:20:07,541 --> 00:20:09,942
Plus, if there's no God,
how do you explain
384
00:20:09,943 --> 00:20:11,477
America's Funniest Home Videos?
385
00:20:11,478 --> 00:20:14,246
Right? Why would you have a pie
386
00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:16,681
cooling next to a trampoline? (laughs)
387
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:19,985
Hi, father.
388
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:21,420
We were just in the neighborhood
389
00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:23,289
doing good deeds for old people.
390
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:24,690
He knows.
391
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,759
What do the kids say?
392
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:27,759
Busted?
393
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:31,664
So lying to a priest?
394
00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:32,798
What's that gonna get me,
395
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:34,600
five more years in our apartment?
396
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:36,769
Come on, it's not that bad.
397
00:20:36,770 --> 00:20:40,840
You, me, and the wet 1800s
lady make a great team.
398
00:20:40,841 --> 00:20:43,542
She said it herself through
the hole in her throat.
399
00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:46,878
Weird, 'cause she told me that
your snoring drives her crazy.
400
00:20:49,615 --> 00:20:50,815
(cash register bell dings)
401
00:20:51,113 --> 00:20:58,713
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