1 00:00:01,333 --> 00:00:03,677 Oh, you look pretty sharp tonight, Earl. 2 00:00:03,797 --> 00:00:04,922 Going somewhere special? 3 00:00:05,042 --> 00:00:06,987 Max, I am free, black, and 75. 4 00:00:07,107 --> 00:00:09,067 Who knows what the night will bring? 5 00:00:10,737 --> 00:00:12,100 Well, here's a twenty. 6 00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:14,106 Can you break this the way you just broke my heart? 7 00:00:14,643 --> 00:00:16,342 Pop-pop. 8 00:00:18,173 --> 00:00:19,374 Look at all this. 9 00:00:19,494 --> 00:00:21,015 People really tipped us well tonight. 10 00:00:21,135 --> 00:00:22,406 Yeah, well, don't get used to it. 11 00:00:22,526 --> 00:00:24,755 Thanksgiving is almost here, and as soon as people realize 12 00:00:24,875 --> 00:00:25,795 how much money they have to spend 13 00:00:25,797 --> 00:00:28,081 on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter 14 00:00:28,083 --> 00:00:32,469 than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared. 15 00:00:32,471 --> 00:00:34,420 I've always loved this time of year... 16 00:00:34,422 --> 00:00:38,191 spiced pumpkin lattes, bringing my winter furs out, 17 00:00:38,193 --> 00:00:39,526 then bringing my winter furs 18 00:00:39,528 --> 00:00:41,945 to the dry cleaner's to get the red peta paint out. 19 00:00:41,947 --> 00:00:45,598 For me, it was jumping into a pile of leaves 20 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:49,536 and finding a used condom. 21 00:00:50,772 --> 00:00:53,156 What's up, children of the corn? 22 00:00:53,158 --> 00:00:56,543 I will stay tonight and decorate diner 23 00:00:56,545 --> 00:00:58,995 for American holiday of Thanksgiving. 24 00:00:58,997 --> 00:01:02,082 Wow. I'm surprised you got the right holiday decorations. 25 00:01:02,084 --> 00:01:04,951 Last month, you put out Easter bunnies for Yom Kippur. 26 00:01:04,953 --> 00:01:08,838 So many Jewish holidays, I cannot Wikipedia them all. 27 00:01:08,840 --> 00:01:12,309 What, like I don't got a life? 28 00:01:12,311 --> 00:01:14,761 ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ 29 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,237 My father and I had a very special 30 00:01:24,239 --> 00:01:25,488 Thanksgiving tradition every year. 31 00:01:25,490 --> 00:01:26,823 Oh, let me guess. 32 00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:29,409 You'd fly someplace like the Bahamas, lay by the pool, 33 00:01:29,411 --> 00:01:32,112 and he'd light other people's stolen money on fire? 34 00:01:32,114 --> 00:01:34,781 No. We'd rent out the Waldorf Astoria ballrooms 35 00:01:34,783 --> 00:01:36,082 and feed the homeless. 36 00:01:36,084 --> 00:01:38,985 Don't look at me right now. 37 00:01:38,987 --> 00:01:41,171 And after, we'd fly down to our home in St. Barts 38 00:01:41,173 --> 00:01:42,155 for two weeks. 39 00:01:42,157 --> 00:01:43,790 Okay, you can look at me again. 40 00:01:43,792 --> 00:01:47,127 I stayed at the Waldorf Astoria once... 41 00:01:47,129 --> 00:01:48,595 beautiful hotel. 42 00:01:48,597 --> 00:01:50,463 $50 for a hamburger? 43 00:01:50,465 --> 00:01:53,216 For that money, it should eat me first. 44 00:01:53,218 --> 00:01:57,637 Okay, ready to go? 45 00:01:57,639 --> 00:01:59,556 Han, if you'd really like to do something in the diner 46 00:01:59,558 --> 00:02:01,274 to honor the spirit of Thanksgiving, 47 00:02:01,276 --> 00:02:02,859 you can open your doors and feed the homeless. 48 00:02:02,861 --> 00:02:05,312 Yeah, put your money where your cornstalk is. 49 00:02:06,097 --> 00:02:07,847 Caroline and I will work for free. 50 00:02:07,849 --> 00:02:10,233 Isn't it enough that when I see them on the street, 51 00:02:10,235 --> 00:02:13,019 I smile and pretend to fumble for change? 52 00:02:13,021 --> 00:02:15,322 No, it isn't. 53 00:02:15,324 --> 00:02:17,690 You can afford to open the diner for one night. 54 00:02:17,692 --> 00:02:20,243 You can't put a price tag on those kind of emotional rewards. 55 00:02:20,245 --> 00:02:23,363 Yes, I can. $18 for 16-pound turkey, 56 00:02:23,365 --> 00:02:25,215 and I will need many of them. 57 00:02:25,217 --> 00:02:27,050 There...price tag. 58 00:02:27,052 --> 00:02:30,420 Here, I will pay for turkeys. 59 00:02:30,422 --> 00:02:31,871 Jeez, dude, where'd you get that? 60 00:02:31,873 --> 00:02:33,706 I sell cigarettes from New Hampshire 61 00:02:33,708 --> 00:02:35,842 to schoolkids in New York. 62 00:02:35,844 --> 00:02:38,228 It is a good profit and beautiful drive. 63 00:02:38,230 --> 00:02:40,397 I love the leaves. 64 00:02:40,399 --> 00:02:42,182 All right. 65 00:02:42,184 --> 00:02:45,769 I'm feeling y'all. I'll bring the pie. 66 00:02:45,771 --> 00:02:48,021 My mother used to make the best chocolate pie. 67 00:02:48,023 --> 00:02:49,322 I remember one time she got so mad 68 00:02:49,324 --> 00:02:50,690 at this white woman she worked for, 69 00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,942 she took this chocolate pie into the bathroom... 70 00:02:52,944 --> 00:02:55,678 No, hold up. That was from the help. 71 00:02:59,367 --> 00:03:02,452 I know it's not Burberry like we're used to, 72 00:03:02,454 --> 00:03:04,788 but I'm telling you, used moving blankets 73 00:03:04,790 --> 00:03:06,256 are gonna be in this year. 74 00:03:06,258 --> 00:03:08,541 Who's a trendsetter? 75 00:03:08,543 --> 00:03:11,661 We're really lucky November is so warm. 76 00:03:11,663 --> 00:03:14,097 Another thing I'm giving thanks for this Thanksgiving... 77 00:03:14,099 --> 00:03:15,598 global warming. 78 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:19,803 I think the three remaining polar bears would disagree. 79 00:03:19,805 --> 00:03:22,272 Max, it's time to teach me how to bake. 80 00:03:22,274 --> 00:03:23,523 Okay, well, if we're doing that, 81 00:03:23,525 --> 00:03:25,141 first I have to go get baked. 82 00:03:25,143 --> 00:03:27,093 I'm serious. 83 00:03:27,095 --> 00:03:28,761 It's the beginning of the holiday season, 84 00:03:28,763 --> 00:03:30,780 and with all the potential Christmas cupcakes 85 00:03:30,782 --> 00:03:32,148 and festive gift baskets, 86 00:03:32,150 --> 00:03:33,983 you're gonna need as much help as you can get. 87 00:03:33,985 --> 00:03:36,602 Festive holiday gift baskets? 88 00:03:36,604 --> 00:03:37,570 No way. 89 00:03:37,572 --> 00:03:38,822 I'm not into all that crap. 90 00:03:38,824 --> 00:03:40,440 Oh, no. Are you gonna be one of those, 91 00:03:40,442 --> 00:03:42,492 "I am too cool to believe in the wonders of Christmas" 92 00:03:42,494 --> 00:03:44,127 type of bitches? 93 00:03:44,129 --> 00:03:47,613 I am so many types of bitches, 94 00:03:47,615 --> 00:03:48,882 I've lost count. 95 00:03:48,884 --> 00:03:53,002 And the only wonder of Christmas I'm aware of is... 96 00:03:53,004 --> 00:03:55,138 I wonder how you're gonna keep up that attitude 97 00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:56,473 through Christmas this year. 98 00:03:56,475 --> 00:03:59,142 Why, because this is my first holiday without any money? 99 00:03:59,144 --> 00:04:01,511 Uh, yeah. 100 00:04:01,513 --> 00:04:02,679 Money isn't what makes 101 00:04:02,681 --> 00:04:05,081 the holidays special, Max. 102 00:04:05,083 --> 00:04:06,816 Uh, yeah. 103 00:04:06,818 --> 00:04:09,135 The holidays are totally about money. 104 00:04:09,137 --> 00:04:10,803 It's about spending money to buy things 105 00:04:10,805 --> 00:04:13,273 to stuff into the giant black sucking hole 106 00:04:13,275 --> 00:04:14,941 in the center of each of us that reminds us 107 00:04:14,943 --> 00:04:18,111 life is hard and then we die. 108 00:04:18,113 --> 00:04:20,697 And that's my Christmas card. 109 00:04:20,699 --> 00:04:23,950 Max, I'm aware this holiday season will be challenging, 110 00:04:23,952 --> 00:04:25,651 will I miss my 20-foot Christmas tree 111 00:04:25,653 --> 00:04:28,154 decorated by ten gay men? Yes. 112 00:04:28,156 --> 00:04:29,923 Will I miss those ten gay men 113 00:04:29,925 --> 00:04:33,826 outing my cousin Steven before he was ready? No. 114 00:04:33,828 --> 00:04:35,712 My holiday spirit is bigger than my money. 115 00:04:35,714 --> 00:04:37,096 So come on, teach me how to bake. 116 00:04:37,098 --> 00:04:38,264 We only have a couple weeks. 117 00:04:38,266 --> 00:04:41,100 Fine. Pour a cup of milk into the mixer. 118 00:04:41,102 --> 00:04:42,452 This will be fun. 119 00:04:42,454 --> 00:04:44,888 When I was little, I used to make my father cakes 120 00:04:44,890 --> 00:04:46,756 in my easy-bake oven. 121 00:04:46,758 --> 00:04:49,859 My easy-bake oven was repossessed. 122 00:04:49,861 --> 00:04:54,197 So, um, speaking of your father, are you doing okay? 123 00:04:54,199 --> 00:04:55,448 I mean, this is a hard time of year 124 00:04:55,450 --> 00:04:57,484 for people who have feelings, and just... 125 00:04:57,486 --> 00:05:00,119 With your father in prison, how are you doing? 126 00:05:00,121 --> 00:05:01,538 I'm doing great. 127 00:05:01,540 --> 00:05:03,623 I actually just found out that since it's Thanksgiving, 128 00:05:03,625 --> 00:05:05,792 they're allowing me to come see him for the first time. 129 00:05:05,794 --> 00:05:07,844 Well, that excitement will probably taper off 130 00:05:07,846 --> 00:05:10,246 after the full-body cavity search. 131 00:05:10,248 --> 00:05:11,915 I don't know. I might like it. 132 00:05:11,917 --> 00:05:15,218 It's been a while since I've had any cavities searched. 133 00:05:15,220 --> 00:05:18,704 All right. Pour the milk, slut. 134 00:05:21,058 --> 00:05:23,092 One cup milk. 135 00:05:23,094 --> 00:05:24,143 There, how's that? 136 00:05:24,145 --> 00:05:25,094 Good. 137 00:05:25,096 --> 00:05:29,382 Now into the mixer. 138 00:05:29,384 --> 00:05:30,716 There, how was that? 139 00:05:30,718 --> 00:05:32,519 Uh-uh. We're not playing 140 00:05:32,521 --> 00:05:35,822 "Rich girl gets a trophy every time she does something normal" 141 00:05:35,824 --> 00:05:37,440 Just cover the bowl with the towel 142 00:05:37,442 --> 00:05:39,325 so it doesn't splash out, and turn it on. 143 00:05:41,028 --> 00:05:42,161 Oh, it's not plugged in. 144 00:05:42,163 --> 00:05:44,948 Oh. Right. 145 00:05:44,950 --> 00:05:47,884 No, not without the towel! 146 00:05:50,738 --> 00:05:54,424 Christmas comes but once a year, 147 00:05:54,426 --> 00:05:57,377 and I think it just did. 148 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,502 Wow. These high-end mixers are a lot of money. 149 00:06:05,504 --> 00:06:07,254 I thought if we came to a big department store, 150 00:06:07,256 --> 00:06:09,172 there'd be a lot of them, and the prices would be better. 151 00:06:09,174 --> 00:06:10,207 We can't afford these. 152 00:06:10,209 --> 00:06:12,042 How much did you think they'd be? 153 00:06:12,044 --> 00:06:13,426 I don't know. 154 00:06:13,428 --> 00:06:15,428 I guess I'm not used to looking at prices. 155 00:06:15,430 --> 00:06:18,815 I usually just point, pout, and it's purchased. 156 00:06:18,817 --> 00:06:21,268 Yeah, I had a version of that, only it was more like, 157 00:06:21,270 --> 00:06:22,936 point, and when they look the other way, 158 00:06:22,938 --> 00:06:25,438 stuff steaks down your pants and run. 159 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,057 Come on, there has to be a mixer here we can afford. 160 00:06:28,059 --> 00:06:30,860 There is. 161 00:06:30,862 --> 00:06:32,562 Here. 162 00:06:32,564 --> 00:06:35,582 A $5 spoon? That's what we can afford? 163 00:06:35,584 --> 00:06:38,952 Yeah, if we put it on layaway, work hard for a few years. 164 00:06:38,954 --> 00:06:40,837 I'm used to being poor around your stuff, 165 00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:43,173 but not around stuff that I want. 166 00:06:43,175 --> 00:06:45,375 What happened to all your "money's not important" 167 00:06:45,377 --> 00:06:46,543 holiday spirit now? 168 00:06:46,545 --> 00:06:48,211 Max, it feels like you want me 169 00:06:48,213 --> 00:06:49,912 to be depressed about the holidays. 170 00:06:49,914 --> 00:06:52,098 No, no. I'm just saying that it's okay for you 171 00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:53,516 not to be all up and everything around me 172 00:06:53,518 --> 00:06:54,684 if you're not feeling it. 173 00:06:54,686 --> 00:06:56,469 It's all right to let your dark side out. 174 00:06:56,471 --> 00:06:58,855 Come to the dark side. 175 00:06:58,857 --> 00:07:00,607 Oh, my God. 176 00:07:00,609 --> 00:07:02,425 Look, they're hiring elves. 177 00:07:02,427 --> 00:07:03,760 Why would I go to the dark side 178 00:07:03,762 --> 00:07:05,895 when I could go to Santaworld? 179 00:07:05,897 --> 00:07:08,448 Let's go get in line. I've always loved Santaworld. 180 00:07:08,450 --> 00:07:10,600 Me too, as a David Sedaris story, 181 00:07:10,602 --> 00:07:12,068 not as an actual real-life option. 182 00:07:12,070 --> 00:07:13,320 Come on. 183 00:07:13,322 --> 00:07:15,438 If we get hired, we could use our employee discount 184 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,958 to get one of the really good cake mixers. 185 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,076 And then it'd be like it came from Santa! 186 00:07:20,078 --> 00:07:22,945 Come on, Max, we'd be great elves. 187 00:07:22,947 --> 00:07:25,465 I have the holiday spirit. You're great with kids. 188 00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:27,417 And we're both so desperate for money, 189 00:07:27,419 --> 00:07:29,952 we'll wear other people's tights. 190 00:07:29,954 --> 00:07:32,138 Max, I've been coming to this store at Christmastime 191 00:07:32,140 --> 00:07:33,923 with my father since I was little. 192 00:07:33,925 --> 00:07:36,593 I'd get all dressed up in my fanciest winter coat and hat 193 00:07:36,595 --> 00:07:38,728 and then stand in line to see Santa 194 00:07:38,730 --> 00:07:41,097 with my hands in my muff. 195 00:07:46,103 --> 00:07:50,106 And they didn't throw you out? 196 00:07:50,108 --> 00:07:53,243 There is nothing Christmas-y about this hallway. 197 00:07:53,245 --> 00:07:55,445 It looks like the place Santa sends promiscuous elves 198 00:07:55,447 --> 00:07:58,365 to get the results of their S.T.D. test. 199 00:07:58,367 --> 00:08:00,500 Okay, that's the kind of comment 200 00:08:00,502 --> 00:08:02,452 that almost got us knocked out of the first round. 201 00:08:02,454 --> 00:08:04,371 You're lucky I edited your application. 202 00:08:04,373 --> 00:08:05,789 Why, what was so bad? 203 00:08:05,791 --> 00:08:09,492 You requested to work in Santa's sex toy shop. 204 00:08:09,494 --> 00:08:10,877 Max, that's not even a thing. 205 00:08:10,879 --> 00:08:14,097 Tell that to my candy-cane-shaped vibrator. 206 00:08:14,099 --> 00:08:16,883 Max! 207 00:08:16,885 --> 00:08:21,003 I call it "Santa's big helper." 208 00:08:21,005 --> 00:08:23,606 Please try and get into the holiday spirit. 209 00:08:23,608 --> 00:08:24,974 I know. If we get hired, 210 00:08:24,976 --> 00:08:27,694 we'll go right home and watch Miracle on 34th Street. 211 00:08:27,696 --> 00:08:29,813 It'll be a miracle on 34th Street 212 00:08:29,815 --> 00:08:32,014 if we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship 213 00:08:32,016 --> 00:08:34,234 without elf scurvy. 214 00:08:34,236 --> 00:08:35,902 Hi. 215 00:08:35,904 --> 00:08:39,289 I couldn't help but overhear you mention Miracle on 34th Street. 216 00:08:39,291 --> 00:08:41,458 That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie. 217 00:08:41,460 --> 00:08:42,709 Mine too! 218 00:08:42,711 --> 00:08:44,911 My second favorite is It's A Wonderful Life. 219 00:08:44,913 --> 00:08:46,162 Mine too! 220 00:08:46,164 --> 00:08:49,198 I've got Schindler's List on Blu-Ray. 221 00:08:52,086 --> 00:08:55,004 - Hi. I'm Mary. - I'm Caroline. 222 00:08:55,006 --> 00:08:56,389 Hi. I'm Mary. 223 00:08:56,391 --> 00:08:58,641 It's cool. We don't need to talk. 224 00:08:58,643 --> 00:09:00,977 That's Max. She's kind of a Grinch about Christmas. 225 00:09:00,979 --> 00:09:02,929 Oh, like my brother Patrick... 226 00:09:02,931 --> 00:09:05,432 He's always teasing me about loving Christmas. 227 00:09:05,434 --> 00:09:08,568 He calls me "Mary Christmas." 228 00:09:08,570 --> 00:09:10,520 Get it? 229 00:09:10,522 --> 00:09:13,156 It's 'cause my name is Mary. 230 00:09:13,158 --> 00:09:14,891 I can't help it. 231 00:09:14,893 --> 00:09:16,860 It's my favorite time of year. 232 00:09:16,862 --> 00:09:18,778 - Mine too. - Yo. 233 00:09:18,780 --> 00:09:21,414 Disconnect before it's too late. 234 00:09:21,416 --> 00:09:23,783 Don't be so cynical. 235 00:09:23,785 --> 00:09:25,085 Especially Christmas Eve. 236 00:09:25,087 --> 00:09:27,403 It's an O'Brien family tradition. 237 00:09:27,405 --> 00:09:29,005 All seven of my sisters and brothers... 238 00:09:29,007 --> 00:09:32,008 we line up on the staircase in our brand-new Christmas PJ's 239 00:09:32,010 --> 00:09:33,176 and have our picture taken. 240 00:09:33,178 --> 00:09:36,513 Bitch is 30. 241 00:09:39,851 --> 00:09:41,918 It's my father. 242 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:44,420 Hi, Daddy. You'll never guess where I am right now... 243 00:09:44,422 --> 00:09:47,307 applying for a job at Santaworld. 244 00:09:47,309 --> 00:09:49,309 No, it's not depressing at all. 245 00:09:49,311 --> 00:09:53,363 The man's in prison, and he thinks this is depressing. 246 00:09:53,365 --> 00:09:56,282 Oh. Are you sure? 247 00:09:56,284 --> 00:09:59,786 It's really not that far. 248 00:09:59,788 --> 00:10:02,956 Okay. If that's what you want. 249 00:10:02,958 --> 00:10:06,609 Call me on Thanksgiving. Love you. 250 00:10:06,611 --> 00:10:08,545 He thought about it and doesn't want me to come. 251 00:10:08,547 --> 00:10:10,797 He said he can't face having me see him in there. 252 00:10:10,799 --> 00:10:13,883 - You okay? - Fine. 253 00:10:13,885 --> 00:10:16,285 Quiet, please, people. I have an announcement. 254 00:10:16,287 --> 00:10:19,839 Everyone in this corridor has been chosen to be an elf. 255 00:10:19,841 --> 00:10:21,174 Mazel. 256 00:10:21,176 --> 00:10:23,292 Yay, we're elves. 257 00:10:23,294 --> 00:10:26,062 Report to work at 3:00 A.M. the morning of Black Friday. 258 00:10:28,232 --> 00:10:29,315 Ooh! 259 00:10:29,317 --> 00:10:31,100 This is so exciting! 260 00:10:31,102 --> 00:10:33,570 ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪ 261 00:10:33,572 --> 00:10:34,904 Okay, well... 262 00:10:34,906 --> 00:10:37,023 - I'll see you both then. - Okay, Mary. 263 00:10:37,025 --> 00:10:39,492 Great, 3:00 A.M... 264 00:10:39,494 --> 00:10:43,580 you, me, and definitely-a-Virgin-Mary. 265 00:10:50,219 --> 00:10:52,353 Good night. Get home safely. 266 00:10:52,355 --> 00:10:56,107 Ooh. Maybe I should not have said that to homeless. 267 00:10:56,109 --> 00:10:57,358 That is it. 268 00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,477 2:00 A.M... Freebie Thanksgiving dinner 269 00:10:59,479 --> 00:11:00,945 is now officially over. 270 00:11:00,947 --> 00:11:02,446 According to my calculations, 271 00:11:02,448 --> 00:11:04,749 we served over 300 turkey dinners 272 00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,651 and only had two knife fights. 273 00:11:06,653 --> 00:11:08,736 Thank you, Caroline. 274 00:11:08,738 --> 00:11:11,122 This experience taught me that rich or poor, 275 00:11:11,124 --> 00:11:14,659 home or homeless, we are all the same. 276 00:11:14,661 --> 00:11:16,544 Wait. Where's my wallet? 277 00:11:16,546 --> 00:11:19,330 They took my wallet, those dirty sons of... 278 00:11:19,332 --> 00:11:21,799 Oh, here it is. 279 00:11:21,801 --> 00:11:24,802 Yes, we are all the same. 280 00:11:24,804 --> 00:11:27,972 Well, I have two things to say. 281 00:11:27,974 --> 00:11:30,391 First of all, I'm incredibly proud of us 282 00:11:30,393 --> 00:11:32,143 for spreading the spirit of Thanksgiving together. 283 00:11:32,145 --> 00:11:35,629 And secondly, someone left an adult diaper in this booth, 284 00:11:35,631 --> 00:11:38,816 and I am not dealing with that. 285 00:11:40,519 --> 00:11:42,136 What's with the sad face? 286 00:11:42,138 --> 00:11:43,637 You saw the bathroom? 287 00:11:43,639 --> 00:11:46,140 It's just... even though we fed the homeless, 288 00:11:46,142 --> 00:11:47,975 it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving without my father. 289 00:11:47,977 --> 00:11:50,161 But you made a lot of people happy here tonight, 290 00:11:50,163 --> 00:11:51,696 and you should feel pretty good about that. 291 00:11:51,698 --> 00:11:54,448 - Yes, I do. - Come on, elf. 292 00:11:54,450 --> 00:11:55,616 We better clear these tables. 293 00:11:55,618 --> 00:11:57,168 We have to be at Santaland in an hour. 294 00:11:57,170 --> 00:11:59,670 Why you have to be there in the middle of the night? 295 00:11:59,672 --> 00:12:02,006 Because it's Black Friday, and the doors open at 5:00 A.M. 296 00:12:02,008 --> 00:12:03,791 Yeah, we want to be there right on time 297 00:12:03,793 --> 00:12:06,427 to see the first person trampled to death by UGGs. 298 00:12:06,429 --> 00:12:07,845 We have to work 299 00:12:07,847 --> 00:12:09,764 all night and then all day tomorrow. 300 00:12:09,766 --> 00:12:12,934 - How are we gonna do this? - I got the answer right here. 301 00:12:12,936 --> 00:12:15,002 Max, I'm not doing cocaine. 302 00:12:15,004 --> 00:12:18,973 If we could afford cocaine, we could afford a mixer. 303 00:12:18,975 --> 00:12:23,010 Nine-hour energy shots, aka elf juice. 304 00:12:23,012 --> 00:12:24,695 I've never done these. Do they work? 305 00:12:24,697 --> 00:12:26,447 Millions of wired-off-their-asses 306 00:12:26,449 --> 00:12:28,199 college students can't be wrong. 307 00:12:28,201 --> 00:12:31,369 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 308 00:12:31,371 --> 00:12:33,354 Did you just drink that whole thing? 309 00:12:33,356 --> 00:12:34,455 Yeah, why? 310 00:12:34,457 --> 00:12:36,457 Nothing. 311 00:12:36,459 --> 00:12:37,691 I'm sure it's not too much. 312 00:12:37,693 --> 00:12:40,294 They suggest sipping it, but... 313 00:12:40,296 --> 00:12:41,379 Who are they? 314 00:12:41,381 --> 00:12:42,880 All right, we'd better go. 315 00:12:42,882 --> 00:12:45,967 We got to go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 316 00:12:45,969 --> 00:12:49,203 Oh, you should've sipped it. 317 00:12:49,205 --> 00:12:50,554 How do I look? 318 00:12:50,556 --> 00:12:53,958 Because I kind of feel like I look like a North Pole dancer. 319 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,726 You actually look cute. You look good in red... 320 00:12:55,728 --> 00:12:57,044 And green... red and green together. 321 00:12:57,046 --> 00:12:58,879 You can pull off anything. You're so beautiful. 322 00:12:58,881 --> 00:13:01,399 - I don't tell you that enough. - Whoa! 323 00:13:01,401 --> 00:13:03,484 Whoa, slow down, speed racer. 324 00:13:03,486 --> 00:13:04,885 I know. I can't stop talking. 325 00:13:04,887 --> 00:13:06,237 What was in that stuff you gave me? 326 00:13:06,239 --> 00:13:09,323 I don't know. The ingredients are in Spanish. 327 00:13:09,325 --> 00:13:13,227 Well, my corazon is beating muy rapido. 328 00:13:13,229 --> 00:13:15,562 Okay, and why aren't you in your elf costume yet? 329 00:13:15,564 --> 00:13:17,281 Because I was talking to those people over there, 330 00:13:17,283 --> 00:13:19,166 and there's a chance... a slight chance, but a chance... 331 00:13:19,168 --> 00:13:20,918 I could get moved to the strolling Christmas carolers. 332 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,837 I overheard their ethnic mix is short a token blond. 333 00:13:22,839 --> 00:13:25,456 And I'm blond, baby! 334 00:13:25,458 --> 00:13:30,077 Forget it. You got me into the underbelly of the elf beast, 335 00:13:30,079 --> 00:13:31,262 and you are not bailing on me. 336 00:13:31,264 --> 00:13:33,547 But those period costumes are so much prettier. 337 00:13:33,549 --> 00:13:34,632 I will knock you from here 338 00:13:34,634 --> 00:13:36,550 to Rudolph's house if you abandon me. 339 00:13:36,552 --> 00:13:38,252 We are in this together. Now go get your bells on. 340 00:13:38,254 --> 00:13:39,720 Okay, I didn't want to tell you this 341 00:13:39,722 --> 00:13:41,806 because it's, well, gross, but the last elf 342 00:13:41,808 --> 00:13:43,691 who had the tights they gave me, well, let's just say 343 00:13:43,693 --> 00:13:47,228 her little lady elf friend visited unexpectedly. 344 00:13:47,230 --> 00:13:50,865 Ew. Talk about a period costume. 345 00:13:50,867 --> 00:13:53,901 You're right. It's disgusting. 346 00:13:53,903 --> 00:13:55,236 I can't do this anymore. 347 00:13:55,238 --> 00:13:57,321 I'm leaving. I don't want to do this anymore. 348 00:13:57,323 --> 00:14:00,041 I feel tired and wired at the same time. 349 00:14:00,043 --> 00:14:03,377 This was an awful, awful, awful, awful, awful idea! 350 00:14:03,379 --> 00:14:04,545 All right, calm down! 351 00:14:04,547 --> 00:14:07,882 Jeez, you're like a Christmas crack monkey. 352 00:14:07,884 --> 00:14:10,051 Look, we are not going anywhere, okay? 353 00:14:10,053 --> 00:14:12,586 You got me all elfed up, and now we need these jobs. 354 00:14:12,588 --> 00:14:13,888 So just go talk to someone 355 00:14:13,890 --> 00:14:15,639 and tell them why you need a new pair of tights. 356 00:14:15,641 --> 00:14:17,641 I can't. It's embarrassing. 357 00:14:17,643 --> 00:14:20,895 Look, either you ask her, or you rip out the crotch 358 00:14:20,897 --> 00:14:24,065 and risk showing six-year-olds your winter wonderland. 359 00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:26,767 Now I'm sad. 360 00:14:26,769 --> 00:14:28,302 You, the one with the dark hair, 361 00:14:28,304 --> 00:14:29,820 - I need you to come with me. - Where? 362 00:14:29,822 --> 00:14:32,023 And is there a drug test involved? 363 00:14:32,025 --> 00:14:35,142 Change of plans. I need for you to be Mrs. Claus. 364 00:14:35,144 --> 00:14:37,945 The other one had to leave... blamed menopause. 365 00:14:37,947 --> 00:14:39,663 Menopause, please. 366 00:14:39,665 --> 00:14:42,533 I had my uterus yanked out on my lunch hour, 367 00:14:42,535 --> 00:14:45,753 and I was back at my desk by 2:00. 368 00:14:46,872 --> 00:14:48,155 Follow me... 369 00:14:48,157 --> 00:14:51,092 Unless, uh, you don't want that extra $2 an hour. 370 00:14:51,094 --> 00:14:53,544 Oh, no. You are not leaving me here alone 371 00:14:53,546 --> 00:14:55,179 when I'm crashing on elf juice. 372 00:14:55,181 --> 00:14:56,797 If I can't be an old-timey singer, 373 00:14:56,799 --> 00:14:58,049 you can't be Mrs. Claus. 374 00:14:58,051 --> 00:14:59,934 Well, I'm sorry, but I'm throwing you 375 00:14:59,936 --> 00:15:02,002 under the sled, sister. 376 00:15:02,004 --> 00:15:04,004 That extra $2 an hour will bring us closer 377 00:15:04,006 --> 00:15:05,356 to the really good mixer. 378 00:15:05,358 --> 00:15:07,691 And the way my life is going, this might be my only chance 379 00:15:07,693 --> 00:15:10,010 to be married to a rich guy. 380 00:15:11,813 --> 00:15:16,117 I'd double-check those tights if I were you. 381 00:15:24,039 --> 00:15:25,907 Ugh. 382 00:15:25,909 --> 00:15:28,910 These tights suck. 383 00:15:28,912 --> 00:15:31,546 Hi. Hi, Elf. 384 00:15:31,548 --> 00:15:33,548 I just got assigned to the front of the line with you. 385 00:15:33,550 --> 00:15:35,783 Oh, crap. 386 00:15:35,785 --> 00:15:37,468 It's me, Mary. 387 00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:40,889 "Mary Christmas." You know, like... 388 00:15:40,891 --> 00:15:43,207 - My brother Patrick always says. - Yeah, you said that. 389 00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:46,094 Look at how cute we look...Jingles! 390 00:15:46,096 --> 00:15:48,847 I just named you Jingles. 391 00:15:48,849 --> 00:15:50,815 Get it? 'Cause of all your bells. 392 00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,267 Oh, listen... 393 00:15:52,269 --> 00:15:56,187 Ah, this is my number-one favorite Christmas song. 394 00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:57,939 Ooh! What's your favorite Christmas song? 395 00:15:57,941 --> 00:16:02,059 Silent Night. Get it? 'Cause I want you to be silent. 396 00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:04,395 What's the matter with you? 397 00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:08,065 You're acting like an elfhole. 398 00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:11,235 Oh, hello, children! 399 00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:13,338 Who's next to see my husband, Santa? 400 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,290 I am so mad at you right now. 401 00:16:15,292 --> 00:16:17,091 Oh-ho-ho! 402 00:16:17,093 --> 00:16:18,960 Uh, hold on, children. 403 00:16:18,962 --> 00:16:21,078 Mrs. Claus is just having an issue 404 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,714 with one of her elf employees. 405 00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:24,465 What are you doing? What's wrong with you? 406 00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:25,884 You abandon me on Christmas 407 00:16:25,886 --> 00:16:28,770 the day after my father abandons me on Thanksgiving? 408 00:16:28,772 --> 00:16:29,854 You have balls. 409 00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:32,106 Christmas balls... 410 00:16:32,108 --> 00:16:34,225 Like on Santa's tree... 411 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,477 Or a Hanukkah bush. 412 00:16:36,479 --> 00:16:38,730 Look, I've got my own problems, okay? 413 00:16:38,732 --> 00:16:40,932 Santa is kind of hands-y. 414 00:16:40,934 --> 00:16:43,484 And you leave me here with this one 415 00:16:43,486 --> 00:16:44,986 when I'm coming down the bad side 416 00:16:44,988 --> 00:16:46,604 of nine-hour energy mountain? 417 00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,206 I don't know what's at the bottom, but so far, 418 00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:50,408 not the miracle on 34th Street I was hoping for. 419 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,627 - Well, elf... - Her name is Jingles. 420 00:16:52,629 --> 00:16:56,381 One more word, Mary, seriously. 421 00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:59,601 Listen, Bi-polar Express, 422 00:16:59,603 --> 00:17:01,552 you need to jingle all the way up that mountain, 423 00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:04,722 because all these kids are looking at us. 424 00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:07,141 Hello! 425 00:17:07,143 --> 00:17:09,928 - You got your list for Santa? - Yep. Got it right here. 426 00:17:09,930 --> 00:17:11,913 Well, he's waiting for you, so go right ahead in. 427 00:17:11,915 --> 00:17:14,816 - Yay, let's go! - Hi. 428 00:17:14,818 --> 00:17:17,235 Oh, you look so pretty in your hat and your coat. 429 00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:18,636 Thank you very much. 430 00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:20,905 I used to have a coat like that. 431 00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:25,360 But she gave it to a reindeer because he was very cold. 432 00:17:25,362 --> 00:17:27,745 Oh, you have your list for Santa? 433 00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:28,830 Let's see what you want. 434 00:17:28,832 --> 00:17:31,749 - Ooh, a pretty doll... - Had it. 435 00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:34,485 - An easy-bake oven... - Had it. 436 00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,454 - A Barbie dream house. - Oh, had that, too. 437 00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:39,490 Had all those things, and now I have nothing... 438 00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:42,159 - nothing to stick in my big hole. - Okay. 439 00:17:42,161 --> 00:17:45,546 - Jingles, what are you doing? - Tell them, Max. 440 00:17:45,548 --> 00:17:48,933 No, no. I'm not Max. I'm Mrs. Claus... 441 00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:52,587 Mrs. Beyonce Claus... 442 00:17:52,589 --> 00:17:54,472 and I'm married to Santa. 443 00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,891 No, tell them what you told me... 444 00:17:56,893 --> 00:18:00,111 that it's all just stuff we buy to stick in our big holes. 445 00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:02,447 I've been married for 50 years. 446 00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,515 I don't even think about holes anymore. 447 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:07,685 Why is she talking to children about holes? 448 00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,520 - I'll get her. - Okay. 449 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:12,023 - Caroline... - No, Max, you were right. 450 00:18:12,025 --> 00:18:13,324 They should know the truth. 451 00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:16,244 Mrs. Claus, have a little, uh, elf control. 452 00:18:16,246 --> 00:18:18,663 Jingles, come into my little house. 453 00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:21,449 No, Max. They should know. 454 00:18:21,451 --> 00:18:23,701 There is no miracle on 34th Street, 455 00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,503 and it's not such a wonderful life. 456 00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:27,088 If it were, I wouldn't be standing here 457 00:18:27,090 --> 00:18:29,557 in crotchless tights in the middle of Santaland, 458 00:18:29,559 --> 00:18:32,176 with a father in prison, too broke to buy a mixer. 459 00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:33,761 Stop it, you're gonna ruin Christmas. 460 00:18:33,763 --> 00:18:35,963 Christmas is all about money. 461 00:18:35,965 --> 00:18:38,016 If you want stuff from Santa, you got to buy it, 462 00:18:38,018 --> 00:18:41,719 because there is no... 463 00:18:45,908 --> 00:18:48,776 Merry Christmas! 464 00:18:50,245 --> 00:18:52,747 Get her out of here now. 465 00:18:52,749 --> 00:18:55,867 And you, put your knees together! 466 00:18:59,621 --> 00:19:01,072 I hope I didn't ruin Christmas 467 00:19:01,074 --> 00:19:03,658 - for all those sweet children. - No, you didn't. 468 00:19:03,660 --> 00:19:06,511 All they saw was a crotchless elf freaking out. 469 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:10,431 But "Mary Christmas" will never recover. 470 00:19:11,583 --> 00:19:13,634 They'll find her in her studio apartment in two weeks 471 00:19:13,636 --> 00:19:16,137 hung from the chimney with care. 472 00:19:16,139 --> 00:19:18,356 Well, this is all kind of your fault. 473 00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,108 You told me to come to the dark side. 474 00:19:20,110 --> 00:19:22,143 I just told you to get in touch with your feelings. 475 00:19:22,145 --> 00:19:24,729 I didn't think you'd turn into Darth Caroline. 476 00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:26,614 Once I went there, I couldn't get back. 477 00:19:26,616 --> 00:19:29,233 Yeah, and chugging that elf juice didn't help. 478 00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:30,434 It wasn't just the drink. 479 00:19:30,436 --> 00:19:32,570 Before those presents came crashing down on me, 480 00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:33,571 reality did. 481 00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:35,957 I have no money and a father in prison 482 00:19:35,959 --> 00:19:37,992 who didn't even want to see me on Thanksgiving. 483 00:19:37,994 --> 00:19:41,129 Yeah, well, there are a lot of people way worse off than you. 484 00:19:41,131 --> 00:19:42,446 Yes, your father's in prison, 485 00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:45,433 but at least you have one and you know where he is. 486 00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,785 And you have a home and a job. 487 00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:51,372 And you have a freaking horse. 488 00:19:52,474 --> 00:19:54,392 So... 489 00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:57,795 Happy holidays. It is a wonderful life. 490 00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:00,815 You're right. I am so lucky. 491 00:20:00,817 --> 00:20:04,352 Well, since right now is the closest to the Christmas spirit 492 00:20:04,354 --> 00:20:05,770 we're probably gonna get, 493 00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:08,439 Santa wanted me to give you your Christmas present now. 494 00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:11,242 It's our new mixer. 495 00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:13,995 We're gonna old-school it. 496 00:20:13,997 --> 00:20:17,365 Aw, you spooned me. 497 00:20:17,367 --> 00:20:19,617 I feel bad. I didn't get you anything. 498 00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:22,587 Max, you got me everything. 499 00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:25,489 Before you, I was living on a subway, and now look... 500 00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:27,708 I'm living near a subway. 501 00:20:27,710 --> 00:20:29,260 So did you buy this? 502 00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:31,379 No, it's from Santa. 503 00:20:31,381 --> 00:20:34,882 Jingles, did you steal this? 504 00:20:34,884 --> 00:20:36,751 Yeah. 505 00:20:36,753 --> 00:20:39,020 I grabbed it when they were throwing us out. 506 00:20:39,022 --> 00:20:40,521 Wow, Caroline Channing. 507 00:20:40,523 --> 00:20:42,673 You keep this up, and you won't have to ask permission 508 00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:44,892 to visit your father in prison. 509 00:20:44,894 --> 00:20:47,228 But I did give $2 of our cupcake-fund money 510 00:20:47,230 --> 00:20:49,013 to the Salvation Army Santa. 511 00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:52,366 So God bless us, everyone! It's a wonderful life! 512 00:20:52,368 --> 00:20:55,653 It's times like this I really miss Darth Caroline.