1
00:00:02,545 --> 00:00:04,506
Evening, hot shot.
2
00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,856
Max, we got big trouble from Little China.
3
00:00:08,463 --> 00:00:09,549
Hi, Max.
4
00:00:10,613 --> 00:00:11,524
Big trouble?
5
00:00:11,644 --> 00:00:15,014
There's nothing big about him. He looks
like a *** in a bear claw machine.
6
00:00:16,018 --> 00:00:19,718
Max, what is the worst sentence you
ever want to come out of Han's mouth?
7
00:00:20,057 --> 00:00:21,353
I got you pregnant?
8
00:00:24,085 --> 00:00:26,023
Come on, bad, bad.
9
00:00:26,143 --> 00:00:27,762
I got you pregnant again?
10
00:00:29,653 --> 00:00:31,582
I'm putting in karaoke.
11
00:00:31,702 --> 00:00:33,403
No! No!
12
00:00:35,189 --> 00:00:36,146
Han...
13
00:00:36,590 --> 00:00:40,757
Those guys better be up there because we're
officially putting ass crack on the menu.
14
00:00:42,245 --> 00:00:45,198
I am adding a TV to bring
in more customers.
15
00:00:45,318 --> 00:00:48,105
We can have theme nights,
Ultimate Fighter nights,
16
00:00:48,225 --> 00:00:50,843
Real Housewives of Bravo City nights,
17
00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:53,861
and best of all, karaoke night.
18
00:00:54,933 --> 00:00:56,859
You can't get hispters on microphone.
19
00:00:56,979 --> 00:00:59,912
That's like throwing fire
on a pretentious fire.
20
00:01:01,282 --> 00:01:03,511
Hipsters like karaoke.
21
00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:05,524
Replace the word "like"
22
00:01:05,644 --> 00:01:06,668
with the word "Hitler"
23
00:01:06,788 --> 00:01:08,666
and you got the three
worst things in history.
24
00:01:09,536 --> 00:01:11,929
Max, I hear what you say, but
25
00:01:12,049 --> 00:01:14,736
everybody else say "he-ey!"
26
00:01:14,856 --> 00:01:16,450
All my single ladies!
27
00:01:18,190 --> 00:01:27,285
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
28
00:01:29,485 --> 00:01:31,481
Okay. Next person
is going to sing
29
00:01:31,601 --> 00:01:33,453
Teenage Dream by Katy Perry,
30
00:01:33,573 --> 00:01:36,290
who is pretty now but used to
have very horrible acne.
31
00:01:36,292 --> 00:01:40,407
This is the third
Teenage Dream in 45 minutes.
32
00:01:40,527 --> 00:01:42,963
Why don't I just close my nuts
in the cashier's drawer?
33
00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:48,376
Come on up now,
girl named "Stacey."
34
00:01:48,378 --> 00:01:50,345
I got this.
35
00:01:50,347 --> 00:01:52,814
Look, I don't know you,
but I like you.
36
00:01:52,816 --> 00:01:54,432
And I respect both hair choices.
37
00:01:54,434 --> 00:01:57,185
I hate karaoke.
38
00:01:57,187 --> 00:01:59,904
I can't afford to have
any more hate in my head.
39
00:01:59,906 --> 00:02:02,324
My hate is at capacity.
40
00:02:02,326 --> 00:02:07,979
Sit this one out,
I'll comp your cobbler.
41
00:02:07,981 --> 00:02:09,781
What did you do?
42
00:02:09,783 --> 00:02:13,401
I saved Earl's nuts.
43
00:02:13,403 --> 00:02:16,204
[Bell rings]
Pick up! Hot food. Pick up.
44
00:02:16,206 --> 00:02:17,238
Calm your bells down, Oleg.
45
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:18,740
Not my stations.
46
00:02:18,742 --> 00:02:19,741
Where's Caroline?
47
00:02:19,743 --> 00:02:20,908
Would it make you jealous
48
00:02:20,910 --> 00:02:23,795
if I said she was
back here with me?
49
00:02:23,797 --> 00:02:25,547
Jealous?
No.
50
00:02:25,549 --> 00:02:26,931
Pissed?
Probably, because we're busy
51
00:02:26,933 --> 00:02:28,433
and it would take me
all that time
52
00:02:28,435 --> 00:02:31,686
to get the duct tape
off her mouth and hands.
53
00:02:31,688 --> 00:02:34,255
What are you doin' in here,
snow white?
54
00:02:34,257 --> 00:02:35,423
If you're lookin'
for one of your dwarves,
55
00:02:35,425 --> 00:02:37,442
he's out there,
holding the mic.
56
00:02:37,444 --> 00:02:39,027
Look, my bite is off.
57
00:02:39,029 --> 00:02:40,312
See, I did the bite test.
58
00:02:40,314 --> 00:02:42,280
The number seven incisor is
crossing over number nine.
59
00:02:42,282 --> 00:02:44,816
Hold up. You know
the names of your teeth?
60
00:02:44,818 --> 00:02:46,384
Don't you?
61
00:02:46,386 --> 00:02:48,403
I don't even know
the name of my father.
62
00:02:48,405 --> 00:02:50,271
Ow, I just bit my tongue.
63
00:02:50,273 --> 00:02:53,158
Ah! Number 12 just joined
the party.
64
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,543
I'd stop doing that right now.
65
00:03:03,336 --> 00:03:07,288
You just made it
into Oleg's spank bank.
66
00:03:07,290 --> 00:03:09,924
Congratulations.
67
00:03:12,645 --> 00:03:14,763
What am I gonna do
without my bite guard?
68
00:03:14,765 --> 00:03:16,581
My teeth don't know where to go.
69
00:03:16,583 --> 00:03:18,767
Well, maybe the should just
backpack for a couple of years,
70
00:03:18,769 --> 00:03:20,134
so they figure it out.
71
00:03:20,136 --> 00:03:22,904
Listen, perfect teeth,
72
00:03:22,906 --> 00:03:24,272
this is a nightmare for me.
73
00:03:24,274 --> 00:03:26,908
The technical term for this is
"advanced bruxism."
74
00:03:26,910 --> 00:03:29,694
And the technical term for you
is "overly dramatic."
75
00:03:29,696 --> 00:03:32,497
Yesterday you freaked out 'cause
we were out of toilet paper.
76
00:03:32,499 --> 00:03:35,784
Just hold it till you get
to work like everybody else.
77
00:03:37,503 --> 00:03:40,004
Now, maybe I sing
while others wait.
78
00:03:40,006 --> 00:03:42,257
Uh-oh.
We got real problems now.
79
00:03:42,259 --> 00:03:44,509
I choose Susan Boyle
popular song
80
00:03:44,511 --> 00:03:45,794
from all clips on Internet.
81
00:03:45,796 --> 00:03:50,331
It's called I Dream--
[Mic cuts out]
82
00:03:50,333 --> 00:03:53,618
Keep dreaming.
83
00:03:59,692 --> 00:04:00,775
Oh, you're back.
84
00:04:00,777 --> 00:04:02,444
We thought you ran away.
85
00:04:02,446 --> 00:04:04,178
Chestnut and I were
just about to pick out
86
00:04:04,180 --> 00:04:07,031
another human from the shelter.
87
00:04:07,033 --> 00:04:08,983
I had quite a day.
88
00:04:08,985 --> 00:04:10,835
8:00 to 10:00...
Grind, grind, pain.
89
00:04:10,837 --> 00:04:12,987
10:00 to 11:00...
Pain, pain, grind.
90
00:04:12,989 --> 00:04:14,021
So I went to the drug store
91
00:04:14,023 --> 00:04:15,290
and bought an $8 bite guard,
92
00:04:15,292 --> 00:04:18,042
which didn't fit
my freaky Tim Burton mouth.
93
00:04:18,044 --> 00:04:19,878
And when I tried to return it,
94
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:20,962
the cashier, Rhonda,
95
00:04:20,964 --> 00:04:22,547
whose nametag said
she was happy to help,
96
00:04:22,549 --> 00:04:25,032
but who was neither happy
nor helpful,
97
00:04:25,034 --> 00:04:26,701
said that I couldn't return it
98
00:04:26,703 --> 00:04:29,304
because it had already
touched my "teef."
99
00:04:29,306 --> 00:04:31,756
For someone whose jaw
is about to unhinge,
100
00:04:31,758 --> 00:04:33,758
you're sure flapping it a lot.
101
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:37,378
Why is this rag
with my father on it here?
102
00:04:37,380 --> 00:04:40,148
Don't look at me.
Chestnut bought it.
103
00:04:40,150 --> 00:04:44,051
He likes it when I read him
his daily horse-oscope.
104
00:04:44,053 --> 00:04:46,488
Why is everybody so obsessed
with the fact that
105
00:04:46,490 --> 00:04:47,689
he hasn't said anything?
106
00:04:47,691 --> 00:04:49,724
Haven't you ever been
at a loss for words?
107
00:04:49,726 --> 00:04:52,827
Tampons, yes.
Words, nah.
108
00:04:52,829 --> 00:04:55,113
Well, this will
make me feel better.
109
00:04:55,115 --> 00:04:57,398
Whenever I'm in pain,
I need a treat.
110
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,918
You know, whenever you're
in pain, that is my treat.
111
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:04,739
Sushi!
I hope you like crab roll.
112
00:05:04,741 --> 00:05:06,240
I never had sushi.
113
00:05:06,242 --> 00:05:09,711
That doesn't even make sense.
114
00:05:09,713 --> 00:05:13,515
No sushi, no dentist...
Who are you?
115
00:05:13,517 --> 00:05:16,584
A poor person.
116
00:05:16,586 --> 00:05:18,853
Sushi's lazy.
117
00:05:18,855 --> 00:05:20,054
If I come to your restaurant,
118
00:05:20,056 --> 00:05:23,308
get up off your ass
and cook the damn fish.
119
00:05:23,310 --> 00:05:26,060
I wish we could afford to go
to this little sushi place
120
00:05:26,062 --> 00:05:28,746
in Tribeca where
my father always took me.
121
00:05:28,748 --> 00:05:30,031
We had this little joke.
122
00:05:30,033 --> 00:05:31,983
Every time we'd walk in,
I'd always say...
123
00:05:31,985 --> 00:05:35,653
[Speaking Japanese]
124
00:05:35,655 --> 00:05:38,573
[Laughs]
And we would just laugh!
125
00:05:38,575 --> 00:05:42,794
So you're not funny
in Japanese either.
126
00:05:42,796 --> 00:05:45,547
I got this at a corner deli.
127
00:05:45,549 --> 00:05:46,548
The cashier was Japanese.
128
00:05:46,550 --> 00:05:47,782
She said it was good.
129
00:05:47,784 --> 00:05:49,417
[Sarcastically] Oh,
I'm sure it's great.
130
00:05:49,419 --> 00:05:51,052
'Cause
the disenfranchised immigrant
131
00:05:51,054 --> 00:05:52,453
serving the spoiled white girl
132
00:05:52,455 --> 00:05:54,756
would have no reason to lie.
133
00:05:54,758 --> 00:05:57,425
Get ready
for something heavenly!
134
00:06:01,897 --> 00:06:03,014
[With her mouth full]
That's not heaven.
135
00:06:03,016 --> 00:06:04,131
- Spit it out.
- Ugh!
136
00:06:04,133 --> 00:06:06,351
Ugh!
137
00:06:06,353 --> 00:06:07,468
What a disappointment.
138
00:06:07,470 --> 00:06:08,987
Your first time.
139
00:06:08,989 --> 00:06:13,157
Well, that's kinda the way
it goes with me and first times.
140
00:06:13,159 --> 00:06:15,410
Here, clean yourself off.
141
00:06:15,412 --> 00:06:17,477
[Laughs]
That's exactly the way it goes!
142
00:06:27,877 --> 00:06:29,394
It's not that bad.
143
00:06:29,396 --> 00:06:31,356
It's not that bad.
It's not that bad.
144
00:06:31,476 --> 00:06:32,360
No.
145
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:34,076
For a dentist office
in the subway,
146
00:06:34,208 --> 00:06:35,664
it's pretty good.
147
00:06:36,621 --> 00:06:39,328
Seriously, how are you
not running out of here?
148
00:06:39,330 --> 00:06:40,963
I have no choice.
149
00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:42,881
Now that I have no money
or health insurance,
150
00:06:42,883 --> 00:06:45,884
I have to get used to
this third-world situation.
151
00:06:45,886 --> 00:06:47,869
Third-world situation?
152
00:06:47,871 --> 00:06:51,139
This is an underworld situation.
153
00:06:51,141 --> 00:06:52,391
Okay,
there's bulletproof glass.
154
00:06:52,393 --> 00:06:55,360
With a bullet in it.
155
00:06:55,362 --> 00:06:58,146
All right, so the glass works.
156
00:06:59,933 --> 00:07:02,651
It says to sign in.
157
00:07:05,388 --> 00:07:06,388
Look, why don't you just
158
00:07:06,390 --> 00:07:08,156
take some of our
cupcake business savings
159
00:07:08,158 --> 00:07:10,075
and go to a good dentist office?
160
00:07:10,077 --> 00:07:11,743
You know, one where you
won't get a staph infection
161
00:07:11,745 --> 00:07:13,561
just from looking at the floor.
162
00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:15,197
No, we can't do that.
163
00:07:15,199 --> 00:07:16,198
That's our future.
164
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:17,199
Once we start doing that,
165
00:07:17,201 --> 00:07:20,786
it's a slippery slope.
166
00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:23,571
"Nicole Richie"?
167
00:07:26,575 --> 00:07:30,429
I don't want anyone to know
I was here.
168
00:07:30,431 --> 00:07:32,881
I know this situation
is less than ideal,
169
00:07:32,883 --> 00:07:35,267
but I am having
a dental emergency.
170
00:07:35,269 --> 00:07:37,853
[Moans]
171
00:07:37,855 --> 00:07:42,941
No, he's having
a dental emergency.
172
00:07:45,144 --> 00:07:47,646
Come on, let's go over here
and see if this man can help me.
173
00:08:03,463 --> 00:08:07,249
Hi.
174
00:08:07,251 --> 00:08:10,085
Welcome to Subway Smiles.
175
00:08:10,087 --> 00:08:11,803
[Moans]
176
00:08:11,805 --> 00:08:17,809
I told ya, we'll get to ya.
177
00:08:17,811 --> 00:08:19,344
I'm sorry, girls.
178
00:08:19,346 --> 00:08:21,396
I'm a little shaky.
179
00:08:21,398 --> 00:08:23,315
I was just shot at.
180
00:08:23,317 --> 00:08:26,968
I have a problem
with my teeth migrating.
181
00:08:26,970 --> 00:08:28,353
I have advanced bruxism.
182
00:08:28,355 --> 00:08:33,158
Ah.
I have hep C.
183
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:37,496
Everybody's got
their something.
184
00:08:37,498 --> 00:08:38,530
What do you need?
185
00:08:38,532 --> 00:08:39,915
We need to be leaving.
186
00:08:39,917 --> 00:08:41,700
I just need a bite guard.
187
00:08:41,702 --> 00:08:44,202
Oh!
I can do that.
188
00:08:44,204 --> 00:08:46,922
That's where I squirt foam
into your mouth
189
00:08:46,924 --> 00:08:48,707
and make a mold.
190
00:08:48,709 --> 00:08:49,824
Come in the back.
191
00:08:49,826 --> 00:08:52,010
If you go back there with him,
192
00:08:52,012 --> 00:08:55,297
you'll need a bite guard
and a rape guard.
193
00:08:55,299 --> 00:08:56,681
You want the gas?
194
00:08:56,683 --> 00:08:58,216
Is that necessary?
195
00:08:58,218 --> 00:09:02,054
You're gonna want the gas,
sweetheart.
196
00:09:02,056 --> 00:09:05,340
- [Moans]
- Let's get outta here.
197
00:09:09,812 --> 00:09:11,530
One more song before we close.
198
00:09:11,532 --> 00:09:13,065
I sing Spice Girls'
199
00:09:13,067 --> 00:09:14,516
Aww, tell me what you want,
200
00:09:14,518 --> 00:09:17,736
what you really, really want.
201
00:09:17,738 --> 00:09:19,871
That boy's more stiff
202
00:09:19,873 --> 00:09:23,691
than Michele Bachmann's husband
at a Chippendales.
203
00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:27,579
I will give you the money
for trip to fancy dentist.
204
00:09:27,581 --> 00:09:29,915
Really?
Oleg, you would do that?
205
00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:31,583
It's favor I do for you.
206
00:09:31,585 --> 00:09:33,752
And at some point,
when I come to you for favor,
207
00:09:33,754 --> 00:09:36,338
you will say yes,
like I say yes now.
208
00:09:36,340 --> 00:09:39,641
Well, I'd need to know
what that favor might be.
209
00:09:39,643 --> 00:09:41,510
I can't say for sure.
210
00:09:41,512 --> 00:09:43,562
Will it be in a week
or a month?
211
00:09:43,564 --> 00:09:45,580
I can't say for sure.
212
00:09:45,582 --> 00:09:46,714
Will it be sexual?
213
00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:50,102
Yes, it will be.
214
00:09:50,104 --> 00:09:52,070
This I can say for sure.
215
00:09:52,072 --> 00:09:56,608
Thank you, but no.
216
00:09:56,610 --> 00:09:59,161
I am such an idiot.
217
00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:01,896
I like it.
Keep going.
218
00:10:01,898 --> 00:10:03,782
My bite guard is
just sitting in the bathroom
219
00:10:03,784 --> 00:10:04,732
of my townhouse.
220
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:06,168
If I could only
get up on the roof,
221
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:07,669
then I could break in
through the skylight
222
00:10:07,671 --> 00:10:09,704
like I used to when I snuck out
in high school.
223
00:10:09,706 --> 00:10:13,041
Hello, I'm Max.
Have we met?
224
00:10:13,043 --> 00:10:15,544
When I was 15, I paid
the security system guys extra
225
00:10:15,546 --> 00:10:17,045
to not wire the skylight,
226
00:10:17,047 --> 00:10:19,714
and then I snuck out and went
to Ilana Shapiro's Sweet 16...
227
00:10:19,716 --> 00:10:21,716
- Cute.
- In Greece.
228
00:10:21,718 --> 00:10:24,252
Hardcore.
229
00:10:24,254 --> 00:10:25,854
I used to sneak
out of the house
230
00:10:25,856 --> 00:10:29,024
and huff spray paint
with an ex-marine.
231
00:10:29,026 --> 00:10:31,276
And sometimes,
I'd just sneak out,
232
00:10:31,278 --> 00:10:34,429
look up at the stars,
and dream.
233
00:10:34,431 --> 00:10:36,013
And then you said that.
234
00:10:41,110 --> 00:10:43,456
See, I told you I can get this *** open.
235
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:44,682
Turn on a light!
236
00:10:44,802 --> 00:10:47,915
Wait till I close
the closet door.
237
00:10:47,917 --> 00:10:50,067
Why are the floors so bouncy?
238
00:10:50,069 --> 00:10:52,586
It's called "carpet."
239
00:10:54,423 --> 00:10:56,173
What?
240
00:10:56,175 --> 00:10:59,343
No way.
No way.
241
00:10:59,345 --> 00:11:02,596
Is this Narnia?
242
00:11:02,598 --> 00:11:05,266
I'm about to say something
I swore I'd never say.
243
00:11:05,268 --> 00:11:08,569
O.M.G.
244
00:11:08,571 --> 00:11:10,104
Again...O.M.G.
245
00:11:10,106 --> 00:11:12,156
It's lame, but nothing else
really nails it.
246
00:11:12,158 --> 00:11:15,943
This is the room that O.M.G.
was born for.
247
00:11:15,945 --> 00:11:17,828
Max, it's just my closet.
248
00:11:17,830 --> 00:11:19,730
Your clothes have a house!
249
00:11:19,732 --> 00:11:22,083
Look, look!
[Gasps]
250
00:11:22,085 --> 00:11:23,667
You are rich!
251
00:11:23,669 --> 00:11:25,319
Like, I know you've said
you were rich,
252
00:11:25,321 --> 00:11:28,122
but you are rich.
253
00:11:28,124 --> 00:11:29,874
You're embarrassing me.
254
00:11:29,876 --> 00:11:30,841
Are you crazy?
255
00:11:30,843 --> 00:11:32,960
This is nothing
to be embarrassed about.
256
00:11:32,962 --> 00:11:37,164
What's this do?
[Beep]
257
00:11:37,166 --> 00:11:39,300
Oh, my God.
258
00:11:39,302 --> 00:11:41,552
You have a shoe rotisserie.
259
00:11:41,554 --> 00:11:42,970
I designed it.
260
00:11:42,972 --> 00:11:45,856
I call it my
"Ferris Heels."
261
00:11:45,858 --> 00:11:48,642
I'd judge you
if that wasn't exactly what
262
00:11:48,644 --> 00:11:50,861
I'd call it if I had one.
263
00:11:50,863 --> 00:11:51,979
Okay, we should really go now.
264
00:11:51,981 --> 00:11:53,697
Lemme just grab my bite guard.
265
00:11:53,699 --> 00:11:56,200
[Sighs]
266
00:11:56,202 --> 00:11:59,987
What?
267
00:11:59,989 --> 00:12:03,124
You have a museum
in your closet?
268
00:12:03,126 --> 00:12:05,192
Come on, it's just a bathroom.
269
00:12:05,194 --> 00:12:06,911
Just a bathroom?
270
00:12:06,913 --> 00:12:10,464
It's the Louvre of pooping.
271
00:12:10,466 --> 00:12:14,218
Here it is.
272
00:12:17,005 --> 00:12:21,475
Ow. Ow. Ow.
[Sighs]
273
00:12:21,477 --> 00:12:23,978
Oh, yeah.
[Sighs]
274
00:12:23,980 --> 00:12:27,314
Do you two need
to be left alone?
275
00:12:27,316 --> 00:12:28,365
[With a lisp] We have to go.
276
00:12:28,367 --> 00:12:30,317
Can't risk staying much longer.
277
00:12:30,319 --> 00:12:32,436
Wow.
Just when I thought your voice
278
00:12:32,438 --> 00:12:33,887
couldn't get any more grating.
279
00:12:33,889 --> 00:12:36,273
It'll loosen up.
280
00:12:36,275 --> 00:12:38,559
Oh.
281
00:12:41,396 --> 00:12:43,998
Seriously, we should go.
282
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,918
Oh, um, I just have to do
one more thing before we go.
283
00:12:54,709 --> 00:12:57,344
I think me and your tub
are going steady.
284
00:12:57,346 --> 00:13:00,297
Oh, you found
the jacuzzi button.
285
00:13:00,299 --> 00:13:01,765
I don't know who found who,
286
00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:04,718
but we're together now.
287
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:08,272
I'm totally stealing some
of these ridonculous bath soaps.
288
00:13:08,274 --> 00:13:10,107
This one's shaped like a vagina.
289
00:13:10,109 --> 00:13:11,892
Seashell.
290
00:13:11,894 --> 00:13:15,262
Sister, this is
a mint green vagina.
291
00:13:17,983 --> 00:13:20,284
Did you go to the prom
with your dad?
292
00:13:20,286 --> 00:13:22,269
That's my debutante dance,
293
00:13:22,271 --> 00:13:23,487
when I came out.
294
00:13:23,489 --> 00:13:24,771
Out?
295
00:13:24,773 --> 00:13:27,291
Like you came out
that you were dating your dad?
296
00:13:27,293 --> 00:13:28,909
Gross.
297
00:13:28,911 --> 00:13:33,731
I think I can still fit
a goose feather pillow in.
298
00:13:33,733 --> 00:13:37,784
Hey, what's this one of you
and Chestnut and your dad?
299
00:13:37,786 --> 00:13:39,136
Oh, that's when my dad
300
00:13:39,138 --> 00:13:40,638
bought Chestnut for me.
301
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:43,474
It was my first-period present.
302
00:13:43,476 --> 00:13:46,793
Your dad got you a horse
for getting your period?
303
00:13:46,795 --> 00:13:49,930
O.M.G.
304
00:13:49,932 --> 00:13:52,132
Know how I celebrated
getting my period?
305
00:13:52,134 --> 00:13:53,851
Stole a painkiller
and half a beer
306
00:13:53,853 --> 00:13:55,986
from my mom's boyfriend.
307
00:13:55,988 --> 00:13:59,440
Wasn't a horse,
but it was pretty awesome.
308
00:14:00,442 --> 00:14:02,743
How come there are no pictures
of your mom?
309
00:14:02,745 --> 00:14:04,578
'Cause there aren't any.
310
00:14:04,580 --> 00:14:06,614
She cheated on my dad
when I was five,
311
00:14:06,616 --> 00:14:09,033
and my grandmother
got rid of her.
312
00:14:09,035 --> 00:14:10,417
Not in, like, a mob way.
313
00:14:10,419 --> 00:14:12,953
In a society way,
which is worse.
314
00:14:12,955 --> 00:14:14,588
So who raised you?
315
00:14:14,590 --> 00:14:19,159
Well, Estella from 1989 to '96.
316
00:14:19,161 --> 00:14:24,215
Then, Dominica from '97 until
she went back to Guatemala.
317
00:14:24,217 --> 00:14:27,000
Then no one.
318
00:14:27,002 --> 00:14:28,769
Funny.
319
00:14:28,771 --> 00:14:31,188
You didn't have a father, and I
didn't have a mother. So we're--
320
00:14:31,190 --> 00:14:33,140
Oh, we're alike?
321
00:14:33,142 --> 00:14:37,728
Look around.
We have nothing in common.
322
00:14:37,730 --> 00:14:39,196
Hey, what's this button for?
323
00:14:39,198 --> 00:14:40,814
Music.
324
00:14:40,816 --> 00:14:42,900
Oh, lemme guess.
Show tunes? Boy bands?
325
00:14:42,902 --> 00:14:45,119
[Pop music playing]
326
00:14:45,121 --> 00:14:48,455
Both: I love this song!
327
00:14:48,457 --> 00:14:49,740
♪ ♪
328
00:14:49,742 --> 00:14:52,076
♪ You are the girl ♪
329
00:14:52,078 --> 00:14:54,245
♪ that I've been dreamin' of ♪
330
00:14:54,247 --> 00:14:57,414
♪ ever since
I was a little girl ♪
331
00:14:57,416 --> 00:14:59,800
♪ you are the girl ♪
332
00:14:59,802 --> 00:15:01,986
♪ that I've been dreamin' of ♪
333
00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:05,289
♪ ever since
I was a little girl ♪
334
00:15:05,291 --> 00:15:08,025
♪ One!
I'm bitin' my tongue ♪
335
00:15:08,027 --> 00:15:09,643
♪ Two!
He's kissin' on you ♪
336
00:15:09,645 --> 00:15:11,378
♪ Three!
Oh, why can't you see? ♪
337
00:15:11,380 --> 00:15:12,963
♪ do do do do do do do ♪
338
00:15:12,965 --> 00:15:15,532
♪ do do do do do do do ♪
339
00:15:15,534 --> 00:15:17,334
♪ do do do do do do do ♪
340
00:15:17,336 --> 00:15:19,186
♪ Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! ♪
341
00:15:19,188 --> 00:15:22,539
♪ Dance! Dance! Dance!
Dance! Dance! ♪
342
00:15:22,541 --> 00:15:27,194
[Laughter]
343
00:15:27,196 --> 00:15:28,696
See?
[Chuckles]
344
00:15:28,698 --> 00:15:31,582
I knew what we had
in common wouldn't last.
345
00:15:31,584 --> 00:15:33,033
Were you crumping for a second?
346
00:15:33,035 --> 00:15:36,787
Maybe. Were you
tootsie-rolling for a second?
347
00:15:36,789 --> 00:15:40,557
[Scoffs]
Yes.
348
00:15:40,559 --> 00:15:42,026
Okay, get dressed.
349
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:44,328
We really should go now.
350
00:15:44,330 --> 00:15:45,679
I have all the essentials.
351
00:15:45,681 --> 00:15:48,682
Tampons, toilet paper,
comforter, body shimmer.
352
00:15:48,684 --> 00:15:50,434
Wait, what about the clothes?
353
00:15:50,436 --> 00:15:51,535
Oh, what am I gonna do?
354
00:15:51,537 --> 00:15:53,804
Walk around Williamsburg
in a $3000 gown?
355
00:15:53,806 --> 00:15:56,557
[Chuckles]
Oh, my God.
356
00:15:56,559 --> 00:15:57,558
Wait a minute.
357
00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,360
Grab everything
with a price tag on it
358
00:15:59,362 --> 00:16:00,728
that we can resell.
359
00:16:00,730 --> 00:16:04,481
Or that you think
I'd look amazing in.
360
00:16:04,483 --> 00:16:05,432
[Alarm goes off]
361
00:16:05,434 --> 00:16:07,318
Not the furs!
They're wired!
362
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,069
Why would you wire the furs?
363
00:16:09,071 --> 00:16:12,740
Everybody wires the furs,
bitch!
364
00:16:12,742 --> 00:16:14,274
Security's gonna be here
in ten minutes.
365
00:16:14,276 --> 00:16:17,211
Just grab everything you can.
366
00:16:17,213 --> 00:16:21,281
Wait! How are we going to
carry it all back to Brooklyn?
367
00:16:30,124 --> 00:16:32,976
Jealous?
368
00:16:32,978 --> 00:16:35,896
Look, two seats.
369
00:16:45,657 --> 00:16:47,608
I think you got more stuff
than me.
370
00:16:47,610 --> 00:16:50,994
Well, you spent five minutes
saying good-bye to the tub.
371
00:16:52,781 --> 00:16:56,483
This was my fa purse
to take dancing.
372
00:16:56,485 --> 00:16:57,951
How'd you keep it
on your shoulder
373
00:16:57,953 --> 00:17:00,637
when you went all mad crump?
374
00:17:00,639 --> 00:17:03,791
Look.
$200!
375
00:17:03,793 --> 00:17:06,427
It's not enough we're sitting
on the subway in furs...
376
00:17:06,429 --> 00:17:08,262
You gotta make it rain?
377
00:17:08,264 --> 00:17:09,363
This is so exciting.
378
00:17:09,365 --> 00:17:11,832
It's going right
into our cupcake fund.
379
00:17:11,834 --> 00:17:14,685
- Or--
- Or what?
380
00:17:14,687 --> 00:17:17,388
Where was that place you
always went with your dad?
381
00:17:17,390 --> 00:17:20,524
Toro with black truffle.
382
00:17:20,526 --> 00:17:23,227
You are about to have
a sushi toro-gasm.
383
00:17:23,229 --> 00:17:25,479
Will you calm down?
It's just--
384
00:17:25,481 --> 00:17:30,117
Oh, sweet bejesus,
that's delicious!
385
00:17:30,119 --> 00:17:32,018
If this is sushi,
386
00:17:32,020 --> 00:17:33,353
what was that other stuff
we ate?
387
00:17:33,355 --> 00:17:35,906
Wrong.
On every level.
388
00:17:35,908 --> 00:17:37,574
We need more of this.
389
00:17:37,576 --> 00:17:38,575
Like, all of it.
390
00:17:38,577 --> 00:17:39,860
Can we have some more toro?
391
00:17:39,862 --> 00:17:40,861
Thank you so much.
392
00:17:40,863 --> 00:17:42,379
And, uh...
393
00:17:42,381 --> 00:17:45,532
[Speaking Japanese]
394
00:17:45,534 --> 00:17:48,635
[Laughter]
395
00:17:48,637 --> 00:17:52,589
[Speaking Japanese]
396
00:17:52,591 --> 00:17:55,208
I get it now 'cause I'm rich.
397
00:17:56,978 --> 00:18:00,180
I don't know how
you're pulling it off.
398
00:18:00,182 --> 00:18:01,181
What do you mean?
399
00:18:01,183 --> 00:18:04,101
Giving up everything
that you had.
400
00:18:04,103 --> 00:18:07,488
The maids, the closet,
the dentist, the sushi, the tub.
401
00:18:07,490 --> 00:18:11,108
All of it.
The tub.
402
00:18:11,110 --> 00:18:12,192
I almost can't give it up,
403
00:18:12,194 --> 00:18:14,745
but I only had it for an hour.
404
00:18:14,747 --> 00:18:17,030
You're kind of a badass.
405
00:18:17,032 --> 00:18:19,700
Max, you just called me
a badass.
406
00:18:19,702 --> 00:18:24,121
[Mouth full]
I'm drunk on black truffle.
407
00:18:24,123 --> 00:18:26,924
[Cell phone tune]
408
00:18:26,926 --> 00:18:28,091
It's my dad!
409
00:18:28,093 --> 00:18:30,260
Wait, he actually exists?
410
00:18:30,262 --> 00:18:31,929
Like the townhouse and the tub?
411
00:18:31,931 --> 00:18:33,714
[Whines]
The tub.
412
00:18:33,716 --> 00:18:36,049
Hi, daddy.
How are you?
413
00:18:36,051 --> 00:18:38,519
I miss you so much.
414
00:18:38,521 --> 00:18:40,220
I'm good.
No, really.
415
00:18:40,222 --> 00:18:43,140
I'm still staying in Brooklyn
with my friend, Max.
416
00:18:43,142 --> 00:18:45,142
She's great.
417
00:18:45,144 --> 00:18:48,028
Oh!
418
00:18:48,030 --> 00:18:49,780
Oh, okay.
Hold on.
419
00:18:49,782 --> 00:18:51,097
Love you, daddy.
420
00:18:51,099 --> 00:18:52,282
He wants to talk to you.
421
00:18:52,284 --> 00:18:54,151
Me? Why?
422
00:18:54,153 --> 00:18:55,702
I wouldn't know what to say.
423
00:18:55,704 --> 00:19:00,324
Take it!
He's only allowed five minutes.
424
00:19:00,326 --> 00:19:06,046
[Clears throat]
Yo, what's up, Martin Channing?
425
00:19:06,048 --> 00:19:07,948
Oh.
426
00:19:07,950 --> 00:19:10,834
You're welcome, but I di--
427
00:19:10,836 --> 00:19:13,670
Well, thank you.
428
00:19:13,672 --> 00:19:15,172
Yeah, she's great.
429
00:19:15,174 --> 00:19:17,391
Real trooper.
430
00:19:17,393 --> 00:19:21,178
Well, bye.
What?
431
00:19:21,180 --> 00:19:24,348
Okay, I'll tell her.
432
00:19:24,350 --> 00:19:26,800
Daddy?
433
00:19:26,802 --> 00:19:28,802
He's gone.
434
00:19:28,804 --> 00:19:31,271
So that's what a father
sounds like.
435
00:19:31,273 --> 00:19:32,639
What did he say?
436
00:19:32,641 --> 00:19:36,777
He wanted me to remind you
to wear your bite guard.
437
00:19:36,779 --> 00:19:41,081
See, he can't be
as bad as everyone says.
438
00:19:41,083 --> 00:19:42,983
He just can't be.
439
00:19:42,985 --> 00:19:47,754
[Speaking Japanese]
440
00:19:47,756 --> 00:19:49,206
Oh, my God.
441
00:19:49,208 --> 00:19:51,508
The 200 didn't cover it.
442
00:19:51,510 --> 00:19:54,327
Start checking the purses!
443
00:19:54,329 --> 00:19:57,598
Oh, hey.
Do you take hats?
444
00:19:59,667 --> 00:20:03,136
Any cougars in the house?
445
00:20:03,138 --> 00:20:05,222
And in case you don't know,
446
00:20:05,224 --> 00:20:09,276
"cougar" means older lady
with a large sexual appetite.
447
00:20:09,278 --> 00:20:11,177
Lady past prime
with tight clothes
448
00:20:11,179 --> 00:20:14,180
who wants sex from young men.
449
00:20:14,182 --> 00:20:17,017
Max, what is the one thing
worse than karaoke?
450
00:20:17,019 --> 00:20:18,235
Oh, no.
451
00:20:18,237 --> 00:20:20,487
That's right.
Open mic night.
452
00:20:20,489 --> 00:20:22,406
Cougar also have face lift.
453
00:20:22,408 --> 00:20:24,124
From behind, look 22.
454
00:20:24,126 --> 00:20:25,876
She turn around, 72.
455
00:20:25,878 --> 00:20:27,411
[Laughter]
456
00:20:27,413 --> 00:20:28,862
[Laughs]
It's true!
457
00:20:28,864 --> 00:20:32,165
It's funny 'cause it's true.
458
00:20:32,167 --> 00:20:33,417
Bad news.
459
00:20:33,419 --> 00:20:35,669
They heightened security
because we tripped the alarm.
460
00:20:35,671 --> 00:20:37,704
The entire townhouse
is locked down.
461
00:20:37,706 --> 00:20:38,705
We can never go back!
462
00:20:38,707 --> 00:20:40,090
My tub!
463
00:20:40,092 --> 00:20:44,011
Why does anything that gives me
pleasure wind up behind bars?
464
00:20:44,013 --> 00:20:45,211
Forget about the tub.
465
00:20:45,213 --> 00:20:46,730
Everything was inventoried.
466
00:20:46,732 --> 00:20:47,898
We can't sell the furs.
467
00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:48,899
I should've thought of that!
468
00:20:48,901 --> 00:20:49,929
Yeah, you should've.
469
00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:52,903
'Cause you know they always
inventory the furs, bitch!
470
00:20:52,905 --> 00:20:55,322
[Laughter]
471
00:20:57,141 --> 00:20:59,226
[Cashier sound]