1
00:00:03,858 --> 00:00:05,726
My new sheets
from the "Under A Dollar" store
2
00:00:05,727 --> 00:00:07,694
feel so luxurious,
3
00:00:07,695 --> 00:00:09,663
like they could maybe cost
over a dollar,
4
00:00:09,664 --> 00:00:11,999
maybe even 2 or 3.
5
00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:16,703
Yup. It was a good day
over at the "Under A Dollar."
6
00:00:16,704 --> 00:00:20,941
Steak, bed stuff,
and my new steak eatin' chair.
7
00:00:20,992 --> 00:00:23,560
Doesn't it worry you that
you got that meat and furniture
8
00:00:23,561 --> 00:00:26,263
for the price
of an Angry Birds update?
9
00:00:26,264 --> 00:00:29,399
Yeah, it worries me
that it'll never happen again.
10
00:00:29,900 --> 00:00:33,737
Sheets and steak?
Never dared to dream it.
11
00:00:33,738 --> 00:00:35,572
These sheets
smell amazing too,
12
00:00:35,573 --> 00:00:37,841
thanks to that
one little fabric softener ball,
13
00:00:37,842 --> 00:00:39,276
also under a dollar.
14
00:00:39,277 --> 00:00:42,679
I dated a guy
with one ball once.
15
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,681
He was all self-conscious,
but I told him,
16
00:00:44,682 --> 00:00:47,984
"No big deal.
It's just as ugly as two."
17
00:00:47,985 --> 00:00:50,320
I am going to get
such a good night's--
18
00:00:50,321 --> 00:00:51,825
Oh, sheet!
19
00:00:55,026 --> 00:00:58,128
"Thread count: Yes.
20
00:00:58,129 --> 00:01:01,298
Washing instructions:
Do not wash."
21
00:01:01,599 --> 00:01:03,300
Are you sure
you want to sit in that?
22
00:01:03,301 --> 00:01:05,869
Woman, don't talk to me
while I'm eatin' my steak!
23
00:01:10,474 --> 00:01:14,844
"Instructions:
Do not sit."
24
00:01:15,846 --> 00:01:17,814
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
25
00:01:17,815 --> 00:01:19,382
[Cash register bell dings]
26
00:01:19,383 --> 00:01:24,454
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
27
00:01:24,455 --> 00:01:28,454
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
28
00:01:33,340 --> 00:01:35,708
Ow. [Gasps]
Yay, Root Beer Barrel!
29
00:01:37,678 --> 00:01:38,912
Ow!
30
00:01:38,913 --> 00:01:42,148
What?
A candy trail.
31
00:01:42,399 --> 00:01:45,401
God, are you just
getting to me now?
32
00:01:45,402 --> 00:01:47,737
You do work
in mysterious ways.
33
00:01:47,988 --> 00:01:49,689
I'm not God,
but I believe
34
00:01:49,690 --> 00:01:51,490
I did answer your roommate's
prayers last night.
35
00:01:51,491 --> 00:01:52,491
[Laughs]
36
00:01:52,492 --> 00:01:53,759
Andy!
37
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,462
So how'd this happen?
38
00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:59,265
Where'd you guys find
each other again? Rematch.com?
39
00:01:59,266 --> 00:02:02,168
Empty-vajay date?
40
00:02:02,919 --> 00:02:04,103
No, last night,
I thought,
41
00:02:04,104 --> 00:02:05,638
"Well, these sheets
are already ruined,
42
00:02:05,639 --> 00:02:07,974
so I might as well
really ruin them with sex,"
43
00:02:07,975 --> 00:02:09,809
so I called Andy.
44
00:02:09,810 --> 00:02:13,179
And I was obviously flattered,
so I came over.
45
00:02:13,380 --> 00:02:16,649
Well, I hope you guys spent
more than $1 for condoms.
46
00:02:16,650 --> 00:02:18,751
- Hey, there are two things
I never skimp on:
47
00:02:18,752 --> 00:02:20,920
Condoms and candy.
And Max, did you see
48
00:02:20,921 --> 00:02:22,755
what I left over there
on the kitchen counter for you?
49
00:02:22,756 --> 00:02:25,725
Condoms? Candy?
Condoms full of candy?
50
00:02:25,726 --> 00:02:27,694
Well, now, you're
going to be disappointed,
51
00:02:27,695 --> 00:02:31,364
because
it's just candy.
52
00:02:31,365 --> 00:02:33,232
Ooh,
all my favorites!
53
00:02:33,233 --> 00:02:36,102
I wonder if I can get diabetes
before breakfast.
54
00:02:36,103 --> 00:02:38,604
Thanks, Andy.
55
00:02:38,605 --> 00:02:40,740
Ha ha! That candy
was just a decoy,
56
00:02:40,741 --> 00:02:43,609
so you didn't see my push pop
when I got out of bed.
57
00:02:45,079 --> 00:02:48,448
So... Are you and Andy
back together?
58
00:02:48,449 --> 00:02:51,617
No. It was just
a one-time thing.
59
00:02:51,618 --> 00:02:53,186
Look at you.
60
00:02:53,187 --> 00:02:55,688
You're like the Greek goddess
of booty calls.
61
00:02:55,689 --> 00:02:57,890
Aphro-whitey.
62
00:02:57,891 --> 00:03:01,260
Kind of proud of myself.
My very first booty call.
63
00:03:01,261 --> 00:03:02,962
Well, actually,
it was a booty tweet.
64
00:03:02,963 --> 00:03:05,231
Booty's up
with the times.
65
00:03:05,232 --> 00:03:07,133
Technically,
booty call's been around
66
00:03:07,134 --> 00:03:09,769
since the old-timey times.
Alexander Graham Bell's
67
00:03:09,770 --> 00:03:13,339
very first phone call
was "Hey, you up?"
68
00:03:15,242 --> 00:03:18,911
Hey, so, um, I gotta go.
Is that cool?
69
00:03:18,912 --> 00:03:21,147
Oh, super cool, sure.
70
00:03:21,148 --> 00:03:23,583
What do we do, kiss?
High-five?
71
00:03:23,584 --> 00:03:25,551
Max, what do you do
in this situation?
72
00:03:25,552 --> 00:03:27,787
I usually wave at him
with my arm clenched,
73
00:03:27,788 --> 00:03:30,323
'cause I'm hiding his wallet
in it.
74
00:03:31,658 --> 00:03:34,527
Well,
nice seeing you.
75
00:03:38,265 --> 00:03:39,465
I don't usually
do the salute,
76
00:03:39,466 --> 00:03:42,135
but okay,
that can be your thing.
77
00:03:44,972 --> 00:03:46,606
Earl,
here's my last check.
78
00:03:46,607 --> 00:03:50,109
Can you tip me out?
I have a possible booty call.
79
00:03:50,110 --> 00:03:51,844
Well, Caroline,
you've reached
80
00:03:51,845 --> 00:03:55,348
a new place of familiarity
with me.
81
00:03:55,349 --> 00:03:59,352
Unfortunately, I've not reached
that same place with you.
82
00:04:01,321 --> 00:04:03,422
Can you cover my tables?
83
00:04:03,423 --> 00:04:05,158
I've been doing that
since you started working here,
84
00:04:05,159 --> 00:04:06,592
so yes.
85
00:04:06,593 --> 00:04:07,994
Good, 'cause I'm gonna
text Andy
86
00:04:07,995 --> 00:04:09,629
for another booty call,
and maybe this time
87
00:04:09,630 --> 00:04:11,697
we can go out
and have a booty breakfast.
88
00:04:11,698 --> 00:04:16,936
As the President of the casual
sex society, local chapter,
89
00:04:16,937 --> 00:04:18,638
I call bull on your booty.
90
00:04:18,639 --> 00:04:20,439
What?
It's a booty call.
91
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:21,641
Not with you it isn't.
92
00:04:21,642 --> 00:04:23,209
You think
that booty breakfast
93
00:04:23,210 --> 00:04:24,710
will maybe lead
to a booty dinner
94
00:04:24,711 --> 00:04:26,612
then maybe booty engaged
and booty married
95
00:04:26,613 --> 00:04:28,681
and have a couple booty kids
and a booty retirement home
96
00:04:28,682 --> 00:04:30,349
and then
booty die together.
97
00:04:30,660 --> 00:04:32,819
That's not true.
He'll die before me,
98
00:04:32,820 --> 00:04:35,888
then I'll take
a dance class.
99
00:04:38,325 --> 00:04:41,194
What are you doing?
Do you have to pee?
100
00:04:41,195 --> 00:04:44,864
No, I feel something...
[Whispering] down there.
101
00:04:44,865 --> 00:04:48,568
Yeah, you woke it up.
Now it's hungry.
102
00:04:53,807 --> 00:04:58,578
But you don't take it back
to the same restaurant.
103
00:04:58,579 --> 00:05:01,514
What is that and why is it
wearing a bow tie?
104
00:05:01,515 --> 00:05:05,151
Maybe because an actual tie
would drag on the ground.
105
00:05:06,854 --> 00:05:09,088
Speaking
of "dragging on the ground,"
106
00:05:09,089 --> 00:05:11,257
maybe you could drag an antelope
back to your cave
107
00:05:11,258 --> 00:05:13,726
and have sex with it.
108
00:05:13,727 --> 00:05:16,662
See, I have
a sense of humor too.
109
00:05:16,663 --> 00:05:19,832
That's one of the attributes
on my online dating profile.
110
00:05:19,833 --> 00:05:22,235
Han, are you all dressed up
because you're expecting a date?
111
00:05:22,236 --> 00:05:24,170
Oh, I'm expecting
a lot more than a date.
112
00:05:24,171 --> 00:05:26,339
Our profiles
matched us perfectly.
113
00:05:26,340 --> 00:05:27,907
This might be the one.
114
00:05:27,908 --> 00:05:29,609
Which one? The first one?
The only one?
115
00:05:29,610 --> 00:05:32,278
The one that accidentally
steps on you?
116
00:05:32,279 --> 00:05:35,047
She was supposed to be here
a half hour ago.
117
00:05:35,048 --> 00:05:37,283
Well, you know,
subways run late,
118
00:05:37,284 --> 00:05:40,786
especially if you don't get on them
because you don't really exist
119
00:05:40,787 --> 00:05:43,689
and are a money-scamming man
in Nairobi.
120
00:05:44,690 --> 00:05:47,193
Hi, I'm looking for Han Lee,
the owner.
121
00:05:47,194 --> 00:05:50,096
There she is.
Pretty, blonde, and clearly not a man.
122
00:05:50,097 --> 00:05:52,365
Who's laughing now?
123
00:05:52,366 --> 00:05:54,367
You shouldn't
jump to conclusions.
124
00:05:54,368 --> 00:05:56,435
I once had a date
with a blonde woman.
125
00:05:56,436 --> 00:06:00,106
Turns out, the curtains
matched the penis on that one.
126
00:06:03,043 --> 00:06:05,978
Hello. Are you Ashley?
I'm Han Lee.
127
00:06:05,979 --> 00:06:08,714
Hi. Nice to meet you.
128
00:06:08,715 --> 00:06:11,617
I left something in my car
I'll be right back.
129
00:06:13,587 --> 00:06:15,254
Is she coming back?
130
00:06:15,255 --> 00:06:18,293
Han, Jesus is coming back
before she is.
131
00:06:22,729 --> 00:06:24,664
Han,
you're too good for her.
132
00:06:24,665 --> 00:06:26,065
I don't understand.
133
00:06:26,066 --> 00:06:29,068
We were 97% compatible
on the website.
134
00:06:29,069 --> 00:06:30,970
Let me see your profile.
135
00:06:30,971 --> 00:06:33,472
- Who's that?
- That's me.
136
00:06:33,473 --> 00:06:38,811
No, that's the hot Asian star
from Hawaii Five-0.
137
00:06:38,812 --> 00:06:40,813
What?
We kinda look alike.
138
00:06:41,814 --> 00:06:43,582
The only thing
you have in common
139
00:06:43,583 --> 00:06:48,688
with this guy from Hawaii Five-0
is that you are 5'0".
140
00:06:51,691 --> 00:06:53,759
And Han, "Athletic"?
141
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,461
In school, I ran track.
142
00:06:55,462 --> 00:06:59,966
Running under the hurdles
doesn't count as track.
143
00:06:59,967 --> 00:07:01,701
Han,
this is totally lame.
144
00:07:01,702 --> 00:07:03,602
Let me help you
find the right girl.
145
00:07:03,603 --> 00:07:06,105
You give me so much joy
at your expense,
146
00:07:06,106 --> 00:07:08,007
I feel like
I need to give back.
147
00:07:08,008 --> 00:07:11,877
Thank you, Max, I'm insulted
and honored at the same time.
148
00:07:13,380 --> 00:07:15,514
Seeing Han and Ashley together
for that one second
149
00:07:15,515 --> 00:07:17,683
made me realize I want to be
back in a relationship.
150
00:07:17,684 --> 00:07:19,285
I'm going to text Andy.
151
00:07:19,286 --> 00:07:22,388
I knew it. I called that.
I booty called that.
152
00:07:22,889 --> 00:07:25,224
Your casual sex card
is being revoked.
153
00:07:25,225 --> 00:07:29,128
Unfortunately, Andy is still
an active member, very active.
154
00:07:29,129 --> 00:07:30,629
What are you talking about?
155
00:07:30,630 --> 00:07:33,799
I'm saying
he has an active member.
156
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,501
He told me
he's seeing someone.
157
00:07:35,502 --> 00:07:37,003
He's seeing someone?
158
00:07:37,004 --> 00:07:39,372
Actually,
he's seeing a few someones.
159
00:07:39,373 --> 00:07:41,474
How many someones?
160
00:07:41,475 --> 00:07:43,809
Oh, it's back.
161
00:07:43,810 --> 00:07:45,511
Do you think this itch
has anything to do
162
00:07:45,512 --> 00:07:47,313
with those many someones?
163
00:07:47,314 --> 00:07:49,348
Do you think
he gave me something?
164
00:07:49,349 --> 00:07:52,985
Well, if he did,
you just gave it to the counter.
165
00:08:05,268 --> 00:08:07,836
What did poor people do
before WebMD?
166
00:08:07,837 --> 00:08:11,039
They died.
167
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,841
Ooh! What is that?
168
00:08:12,842 --> 00:08:16,178
It's all red and chunky.
I hope that's not what you have.
169
00:08:16,179 --> 00:08:18,013
Max, that's salsa.
170
00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:26,087
- But look.
- Oh! What the hell is that?
171
00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:29,691
What the hell does Jen
from New Rochelle have?
172
00:08:29,692 --> 00:08:31,059
It's a rash.
Jen says
173
00:08:31,060 --> 00:08:33,228
"It was bad for awhile,
then disappeared."
174
00:08:33,229 --> 00:08:36,765
So Jen came down
with a case of "My father"?
175
00:08:37,766 --> 00:08:39,268
A rash.
That doesn't sound so bad.
176
00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:40,702
I could live with a rash.
177
00:08:40,703 --> 00:08:43,639
Except Dr. Web thinks
it might be herpes.
178
00:08:44,140 --> 00:08:48,443
Trust me, I don't have it.
Jen's obviously a whore.
179
00:08:48,444 --> 00:08:50,412
Well,
does it look like this?
180
00:08:50,413 --> 00:08:52,881
I don't know, I can't quite
bend over far enough to see it.
181
00:08:52,882 --> 00:08:55,083
Fine.
I'll look at it.
182
00:08:55,084 --> 00:08:57,252
What? No!
183
00:08:57,503 --> 00:09:00,972
What?
Jen showed me hers.
184
00:09:00,973 --> 00:09:03,308
I'm sure
mine is just a rash.
185
00:09:03,309 --> 00:09:07,045
Cathy from Colorado says,
"I thought it was just a rash,
186
00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:11,583
but guess what?
Rashes are always herpes."
187
00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:14,186
I can't have herpes.
188
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:17,589
Sex is the only fun thing
poor people can afford.
189
00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:21,393
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.
190
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,595
Just let me see it.
191
00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:26,231
Max, I could not continue
to live here if you ever saw it.
192
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,400
Well, then definitely
let me see it.
193
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:33,405
It's okay, I have one too,
except mine has a "Welcome" mat.
194
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,609
I know, I'll just
take a picture of it.
195
00:09:38,110 --> 00:09:41,279
And that's how Kim Kardashian
became famous.
196
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,682
It's bad enough I'm taking
a picture of my vagina,
197
00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:46,418
I'm doing it
with an iPhone 3.
198
00:09:50,022 --> 00:09:52,290
Too dark.
Needs a flash.
199
00:09:52,291 --> 00:09:54,793
All right,
but watch out for red-eye.
200
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:05,270
Ohh... There she is.
201
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,239
Yeah, that's definitely
something.
202
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:11,109
- Let me see it.
- Wait, it needs a filter.
203
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:13,879
Lo-Fi, no.
Valencia, no.
204
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:15,747
Oh, maybe just a border.
205
00:10:15,748 --> 00:10:17,482
Just give it to me.
206
00:10:17,483 --> 00:10:20,652
Oh ho,
that's not good.
207
00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:21,953
I just want to go
on the record.
208
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:23,154
It doesn't always
look like that.
209
00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:25,390
It's actually quite pretty.
210
00:10:25,391 --> 00:10:28,293
Well, now it has
a good personality.
211
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,061
[Knocking at the door]
212
00:10:30,062 --> 00:10:32,330
Oh, that's probably
the Center for Disease Control
213
00:10:32,331 --> 00:10:34,399
coming to get me
with their van.
214
00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:37,269
I'll get it.
The walking helps.
215
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,670
Oh, my God.
216
00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:41,172
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.
217
00:10:41,173 --> 00:10:46,144
Hi, girls! I got Chinese food.
You want to hang out?
218
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:48,246
Sophie,
this isn't a good time.
219
00:10:50,082 --> 00:10:53,585
Uhohh, someone's got
the herp walk.
220
00:10:56,188 --> 00:10:59,090
Sophie, we don't know what
it is. It could just be a rash.
221
00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:01,660
Yeah, it could,
but it probably isn't.
222
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,094
- Yeah, let me see.
- Stop it.
223
00:11:03,095 --> 00:11:07,165
What? It's okay,
I was a nurse back in Poland.
224
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,868
You've heard
of "Doctors Without Borders"?
225
00:11:09,869 --> 00:11:14,105
Well, we were
"nurses without credentials."
226
00:11:14,106 --> 00:11:18,343
Yeah. Our motto was:
"What? We want to help."
227
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:19,811
Quit! Stop it!
228
00:11:19,812 --> 00:11:22,280
Max,
don't show Sophie--
229
00:11:22,281 --> 00:11:25,383
Oh, my God!
230
00:11:25,384 --> 00:11:31,856
Oh, I mean, come on,
slap a filter on this thing.
231
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:35,493
Okay. I'm done. I'm done
with nurses without credentials
232
00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:37,329
or doctors without faces.
233
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:39,130
Tomorrow,
I'm going to a free clinic.
234
00:11:39,131 --> 00:11:43,034
Well, is real bad.
You better run, don't herp walk.
235
00:11:44,971 --> 00:11:49,040
Whoa, this thing says one
out of six people have herpes!
236
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:53,745
Uh-ohh.
237
00:11:53,746 --> 00:11:56,648
Max, anyone in here
could be the "one in six."
238
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:59,084
Are you sure you don't want
to get tested while we're here?
239
00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:00,652
Nah, I'm bad at tests.
240
00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:02,487
Besides,
if you can't afford a doctor,
241
00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:04,823
it's better to just spend
whatever money you got on weed
242
00:12:04,824 --> 00:12:07,325
to help you forget
whatever you got.
243
00:12:07,326 --> 00:12:08,860
Caroline Channing.
244
00:12:08,861 --> 00:12:10,228
That's so embarrassing.
245
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:12,163
Could she say my name
any louder?
246
00:12:12,164 --> 00:12:14,165
[Shouting]
Caroline Channing!
247
00:12:14,866 --> 00:12:16,901
- I guess she could.
- Miss Channing,
248
00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:18,937
now, you wrote here
the reason for your visit
249
00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:22,874
is an "Uncomfortable sensation
in your nether regions."
250
00:12:22,875 --> 00:12:24,909
Could you be
more specific?
251
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:26,411
Is there
a more private area
252
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:28,747
we could discuss
my private area?
253
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,615
Oh, I'm sorry!
254
00:12:30,616 --> 00:12:32,851
Let me bring out
my hot air balloon
255
00:12:32,852 --> 00:12:37,555
and we'll take
a tour of the city...
256
00:12:37,556 --> 00:12:41,693
While we discuss your
uncomfortable lady sensation.
257
00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:44,029
Shirley,
the only lady sensation
258
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:46,197
I'm seeing in this office
is you.
259
00:12:46,198 --> 00:12:48,199
Oh, well,
I appreciate that, girl.
260
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,535
I try to lighten the load
with a little humor.
261
00:12:50,536 --> 00:12:52,704
Well, I don't need the jokes.
Thank you.
262
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:55,807
Oh, they not for you.
They for us. [Chuckles]
263
00:12:56,308 --> 00:13:00,078
I need to be tested for...
[Whispering] herpes.
264
00:13:00,079 --> 00:13:03,948
Girl, you sound like you're
doing a perfume ad for herpes.
265
00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:06,284
Just give her the phone.
266
00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,487
Mm.
267
00:13:09,488 --> 00:13:10,955
Well,
this is either herpes
268
00:13:10,956 --> 00:13:13,058
or something
I ain't never seen before.
269
00:13:13,059 --> 00:13:16,161
Now, the HSV-2
is not a standard pap.
270
00:13:16,162 --> 00:13:20,398
It is a specific blood test,
and it is $250.
271
00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:22,734
Well, the only way I know
how to get money for that test
272
00:13:22,735 --> 00:13:26,104
in the next hour
will probably give me an STD.
273
00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:28,406
Can we maybe work out
a cheaper price?
274
00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:30,575
We're waitresses nearby
at the Williamsburg diner.
275
00:13:30,576 --> 00:13:33,178
I can give you free food
for as long as I work there.
276
00:13:33,179 --> 00:13:36,514
And now that I may have this,
I mean, where else am I going?
277
00:13:36,515 --> 00:13:39,451
Blood test or denial?
278
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,319
Blood test.
279
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,354
I'll just ask Andy
for a loan.
280
00:13:43,355 --> 00:13:44,622
But it's actually
more of a buy,
281
00:13:44,623 --> 00:13:46,758
since he already
ruined the property.
282
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:49,327
Classic
"You break it, you buy it."
283
00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:51,429
Hey, Max.
284
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:54,766
Good to see you.
285
00:13:59,271 --> 00:14:01,506
I hooked up with that guy
once.
286
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:04,275
Um, do you know
what he was here for
287
00:14:04,276 --> 00:14:06,711
and how long he's had it?
288
00:14:06,712 --> 00:14:09,315
You know what, give me one
of those sexual history forms.
289
00:14:10,816 --> 00:14:13,451
This sexual history list
is hard.
290
00:14:13,452 --> 00:14:15,386
Can't it just be
a top ten?
291
00:14:15,387 --> 00:14:17,522
Well,
Andy's not here yet.
292
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:18,957
He's probably busy
getting busy
293
00:14:18,958 --> 00:14:21,826
with his ragtag team
of gutter skanks.
294
00:14:21,827 --> 00:14:23,695
"Gutter skanks"?
Didn't I see them open
295
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:24,829
for Cannibal Corpse?
296
00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:27,298
Look,
you need to relax.
297
00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:29,834
Why don't we just get a drink,
or nine?
298
00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:32,237
Two double Jack and Gingers.
Oh, yeah, Jack.
299
00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:34,873
Number 38.
300
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,909
Oh, and that Ginger.
Number 39.
301
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,677
Max, look,
Jen from New Rochelle
302
00:14:39,678 --> 00:14:41,312
put up a new update
on WebMD.
303
00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:44,082
She says her life has gotten
so much better
304
00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:47,986
after joining a site
called "His-and-Herpes."
305
00:14:47,987 --> 00:14:50,588
Hi, Andy.
Have a seat.
306
00:14:50,589 --> 00:14:53,324
Remember, you don't know
that he gave it to you,
307
00:14:53,325 --> 00:14:55,160
and you don't know
that you have it, so be cool.
308
00:14:55,161 --> 00:14:57,028
Don't worry, Max,
I got this.
309
00:14:57,029 --> 00:14:59,597
And Andy, I got that!
310
00:14:59,598 --> 00:15:02,500
Oh!
I thought it was annoying
311
00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:05,036
when people took pictures
of their food.
312
00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:07,105
When were you gonna
tell me, Andy?
313
00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:08,873
When my vagina
burst into flames
314
00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:11,376
and became
an actual burning bush?
315
00:15:12,377 --> 00:15:13,945
Wait, that's yours?
316
00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:16,181
Worst selfie ever,
right?
317
00:15:17,182 --> 00:15:20,084
Wow,
I didn't recognize it.
318
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:22,587
Was it out in the sun?
319
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:26,357
You owe me $250
for the blood test, Andy.
320
00:15:26,358 --> 00:15:28,193
And $9 for that drink.
321
00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:31,129
Look,
everybody just calm down.
322
00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:34,032
Andy, you may or may not
have given her herpes.
323
00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:36,100
She may or may not be
overreacting.
324
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:38,703
I may or may not have
slept with that bartender.
325
00:15:38,704 --> 00:15:42,373
He is my type, and yet,
he has a job, so he's not,
326
00:15:42,374 --> 00:15:45,977
and he goes
in the "Maybes."
327
00:15:45,978 --> 00:15:47,879
Look, Caroline,
I'm really sorry,
328
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,380
but I am totally clean.
329
00:15:49,381 --> 00:15:51,749
Since we broke up,
I have only had safe sex
330
00:15:51,750 --> 00:15:54,219
with a special ed teacher
and a dental hygienist.
331
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:57,155
I mean, that job has "hygiene"
right in the title.
332
00:15:57,956 --> 00:15:59,924
Wait, oh,
there were a couple of times
333
00:15:59,925 --> 00:16:02,927
where I did have unsafe sex
with myself.
334
00:16:02,928 --> 00:16:06,397
But only when I couldn't sleep.
And a lot of other times.
335
00:16:06,398 --> 00:16:09,400
I will go get tested tomorrow,
but please, in the meantime,
336
00:16:09,401 --> 00:16:11,169
try not to go
to the worst-case scenario.
337
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:12,937
I'm not going
to the worst-case scenario,
338
00:16:12,938 --> 00:16:14,939
but if we both have it,
no one else is going to want us,
339
00:16:14,940 --> 00:16:16,941
so we should just
get married.
340
00:16:16,942 --> 00:16:18,910
"You gave me herpes,
now you have to marry me."
341
00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:21,412
You want to save that gold
for our wedding vows?
342
00:16:21,413 --> 00:16:24,315
Well, if you don't use it,
I will.
343
00:16:33,686 --> 00:16:35,553
I can't wait till tomorrow
for my test results.
344
00:16:35,604 --> 00:16:37,004
I'm going to call
the clinic.
345
00:16:37,005 --> 00:16:38,739
You've left, like,
ten messages.
346
00:16:38,740 --> 00:16:41,876
You're acting like the clinic's
crazy ex-girlfriend.
347
00:16:41,877 --> 00:16:43,577
Well, I'm leaving
another message.
348
00:16:43,578 --> 00:16:44,912
Hand me my phone.
349
00:16:49,184 --> 00:16:52,253
What? I have to stay healthy
in case you have it.
350
00:16:52,254 --> 00:16:55,723
Someone's got to pick up
your welfare checks.
351
00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:59,860
Well, this is my life now.
Working at a diner with herpes.
352
00:16:59,861 --> 00:17:01,429
The very best
I can ever hope to be
353
00:17:01,430 --> 00:17:04,498
is a mentor
for a younger girl with herpes.
354
00:17:06,301 --> 00:17:08,869
Hi.
Maybe you can help me.
355
00:17:08,870 --> 00:17:12,573
Well, with that smile and
my bad heart, I'll die trying.
356
00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:14,241
[Laughs]
357
00:17:14,242 --> 00:17:16,143
I'm looking
for the overly-emotional girl
358
00:17:16,144 --> 00:17:17,812
that works here
as a waitress.
359
00:17:18,563 --> 00:17:21,048
Oh, my God!
What are you doing here?
360
00:17:21,049 --> 00:17:24,085
Am I dying?
Are you the angel of death?
361
00:17:24,086 --> 00:17:26,654
I think I found her.
362
00:17:26,655 --> 00:17:28,556
Can we have a seat
for a minute?
363
00:17:28,557 --> 00:17:30,624
Max, Max,
she wants to sit down.
364
00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:32,426
Come here
and hold my hand.
365
00:17:32,427 --> 00:17:37,264
Oh, I'll hold your hand
after I find out what you have.
366
00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:38,966
No need to be
all dramatic.
367
00:17:38,967 --> 00:17:41,802
I just came to tell you
that your blood test came back,
368
00:17:41,803 --> 00:17:46,741
but I am not allowed to give you
the results without a doctor.
369
00:17:46,742 --> 00:17:47,975
You're not?
370
00:17:47,976 --> 00:17:49,410
No, I am not.
371
00:17:49,411 --> 00:17:53,414
That's a neg-a-tive,
a neg-a-tive.
372
00:17:53,415 --> 00:17:55,950
Wait. Are you saying
it's negative?
373
00:17:55,951 --> 00:17:59,019
I could not tell you that.
374
00:17:59,020 --> 00:18:01,922
I also could not tell you
that it was probably
375
00:18:01,923 --> 00:18:04,992
an allergic reaction to soap
or laundry detergent.
376
00:18:04,993 --> 00:18:08,129
Oh, my God! Max, it was
that fabric softener ball
377
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,531
from the "Under A Dollar" store.
Oh!
378
00:18:10,532 --> 00:18:14,935
I'm not a cheap whore.
I'm just poor.
379
00:18:14,936 --> 00:18:18,105
Shirley, it was really cool
of you to come all the way in,
380
00:18:18,106 --> 00:18:20,274
because we were really
very upset,
381
00:18:20,275 --> 00:18:23,344
so upset that a caring
medical professional like you
382
00:18:23,345 --> 00:18:25,012
would probably
help us out
383
00:18:25,013 --> 00:18:28,816
with something
for our anxiety or parties.
384
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:31,185
Nice try.
385
00:18:31,186 --> 00:18:33,954
But I'm not here just
out of the goodness of my heart.
386
00:18:33,955 --> 00:18:37,324
I'm here for my free fries.
I'm starving.
387
00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:38,893
I haven't been able to eat
since you showed me
388
00:18:38,894 --> 00:18:40,898
that phone picture
of your bits and pieces.
389
00:18:43,899 --> 00:18:46,867
- Fries coming right up.
- And thank you so much.
390
00:18:46,868 --> 00:18:49,136
Oh, it's nice
to give out good news.
391
00:18:49,137 --> 00:18:52,039
What about you? When can I
give you some good news?
392
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:53,574
I'll be in tomorrow,
I'm just waiting
393
00:18:53,575 --> 00:18:56,644
for a call back
from John Mayer.
394
00:18:58,547 --> 00:19:01,315
Hi,
I'm looking for Han Lee.
395
00:19:01,316 --> 00:19:03,384
Oh, that's the girl
I set up Han with.
396
00:19:03,385 --> 00:19:07,721
No visible Adam's apple.
Go for it.
397
00:19:07,722 --> 00:19:11,058
Oh, Max, she's very pretty.
Are you sure she'll go for me?
398
00:19:11,059 --> 00:19:13,260
I think she might.
Let's go say hi.
399
00:19:13,761 --> 00:19:16,197
Hi, you must be Jen.
Jen, this is Han.
400
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:18,899
Han, this is Jen
from New Rochelle.
401
00:19:18,900 --> 00:19:20,501
- Hi.
- Hello.
402
00:19:20,502 --> 00:19:23,204
Jen from New Rochelle?
Max, no!
403
00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:24,572
What?
It could just be
404
00:19:24,573 --> 00:19:28,442
a reaction
to her laundry detergent.
405
00:19:31,446 --> 00:19:35,616
I'm clean!
Totally clean!
406
00:19:37,852 --> 00:19:40,688
Shirley was as surprised
as I am.
407
00:19:40,689 --> 00:19:43,057
Oh, Max,
I'm so happy for you.
408
00:19:43,058 --> 00:19:45,593
Yep, I dodged a bullet,
but from now on,
409
00:19:45,594 --> 00:19:47,094
I'm going to be
a little more discerning.
410
00:19:47,095 --> 00:19:49,263
I'm not 13 anymore.
411
00:19:49,764 --> 00:19:52,533
So I just texted Andy and
told him it was a false alarm.
412
00:19:52,534 --> 00:19:54,301
- I didn't have it.
- What did he say?
413
00:19:54,302 --> 00:19:56,704
He said,
"Hey, you up?"
414
00:19:56,705 --> 00:19:58,906
But I'm definitely not
gonna go.
415
00:19:58,907 --> 00:20:00,441
Am I?
416
00:20:00,442 --> 00:20:01,876
All right,
here's the thing.
417
00:20:01,877 --> 00:20:04,044
This is about something bigger
than Andy.
418
00:20:04,045 --> 00:20:05,579
Actually,
Andy's quite--
419
00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,481
Oh, I know.
420
00:20:07,482 --> 00:20:09,149
Came out to get
a drink of water.
421
00:20:09,150 --> 00:20:11,552
Saw it, loved it.
422
00:20:12,353 --> 00:20:14,455
Look, I'm going to
keep this simple.
423
00:20:14,456 --> 00:20:18,492
You are using Andy
to fill a hole.
424
00:20:20,295 --> 00:20:24,064
Yes, Max,
that's how sex works.
425
00:20:24,065 --> 00:20:26,233
Ever since
the business closed,
426
00:20:26,234 --> 00:20:27,835
you've got
all this free time,
427
00:20:27,836 --> 00:20:29,670
and you don't know
what to do with yourself.
428
00:20:29,671 --> 00:20:33,741
I hear you. You're right,
ever since the business closed,
429
00:20:33,742 --> 00:20:35,442
I do have a huge hole.
430
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:37,745
I know. Came out
to get a drink of water.
431
00:20:37,746 --> 00:20:40,147
Saw it, loved it.
432
00:20:40,148 --> 00:20:42,016
Max, I know we said
we were gonna
433
00:20:42,017 --> 00:20:44,852
do the cupcake business again,
but now we have to make it real.
434
00:20:44,853 --> 00:20:46,520
I mean,
I'm a businesswoman.
435
00:20:46,521 --> 00:20:48,155
I need to have a business,
or apparently, I'm gonna
436
00:20:48,156 --> 00:20:50,324
put someone else's business
into my business.
437
00:20:50,325 --> 00:20:51,525
[Knocking at the door]
438
00:20:51,526 --> 00:20:53,027
So Max, tomorrow,
we start again,
439
00:20:53,028 --> 00:20:55,029
and this time,
we have to give it our all.
440
00:20:55,030 --> 00:20:59,199
Clear vaginas, full hearts,
can't lose.
441
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,936
Hey, girls.
442
00:21:01,937 --> 00:21:03,370
I came down
with a solution
443
00:21:03,371 --> 00:21:06,106
to your herpes problem,
Caroline.
444
00:21:06,107 --> 00:21:08,809
Just don't tell anyone!
445
00:21:08,810 --> 00:21:10,711
Sophie,
I don't have it.
446
00:21:10,712 --> 00:21:12,980
That's it!
That's the way to do it!
447
00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:16,083
Problem solved.
All right, bye-bye.
448
00:21:18,291 --> 00:21:22,591
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com