1 00:00:02,578 --> 00:00:04,279 Here's your check. 2 00:00:04,281 --> 00:00:07,082 Sorry about the entire experience. 3 00:00:07,084 --> 00:00:08,483 Ugh. 4 00:00:08,485 --> 00:00:10,352 You're gonna have to take it the rest of the way. 5 00:00:10,354 --> 00:00:12,854 I slept funny last year. 6 00:00:12,856 --> 00:00:14,890 You know, I happen to be a massage therapist, 7 00:00:14,892 --> 00:00:18,060 and I happen to be broke, so what do you say 8 00:00:18,062 --> 00:00:20,328 I get that crick out of your neck as your tip? 9 00:00:20,330 --> 00:00:23,632 I miss being able to just say no. 10 00:00:23,634 --> 00:00:25,233 Hold on, I have to run this by a person 11 00:00:25,235 --> 00:00:27,102 who's been poor longer. 12 00:00:27,104 --> 00:00:31,273 Sadly, that guy over there is offering me a massage as a tip. 13 00:00:31,275 --> 00:00:33,475 Sadly-er, I'm considering it. 14 00:00:33,477 --> 00:00:36,678 Sadly-est, you were here when that old woman punched me 15 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:40,482 in the breast and then asked for change, right? 16 00:00:40,484 --> 00:00:42,184 We're not doing great. 17 00:00:42,186 --> 00:00:45,053 There's got to be somebody doing worse than you two. 18 00:00:45,055 --> 00:00:49,291 Like that guy who got left on Mars last year. 19 00:00:49,293 --> 00:00:50,492 Question, girls. 20 00:00:50,494 --> 00:00:52,360 I'm making a healthier menu. 21 00:00:52,362 --> 00:00:55,730 Should I advertise no trans fat, or does that sound like 22 00:00:55,732 --> 00:01:00,669 I'm trying to keep out Chaz Bono? 23 00:01:00,671 --> 00:01:03,839 Not now, Han, I have a massage scheduled. 24 00:01:03,841 --> 00:01:06,208 All the stress of acting like you're working 25 00:01:06,210 --> 00:01:07,843 starting to get to you? 26 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:12,280 Oh. 27 00:01:12,282 --> 00:01:14,282 OLEG: Oh. 28 00:01:14,284 --> 00:01:15,851 Oh, yeah. 29 00:01:15,853 --> 00:01:18,086 Oh, yeah. 30 00:01:18,088 --> 00:01:20,055 Oh, yeah! 31 00:01:20,057 --> 00:01:23,091 Oh yeah. 32 00:01:23,093 --> 00:01:24,626 Yes! OLEG: Yeah. 33 00:01:24,628 --> 00:01:27,762 Oh, yes! OLEG: (moaning) 34 00:01:27,764 --> 00:01:29,064 Yes! 35 00:01:29,066 --> 00:01:30,465 Oh...yes! 36 00:01:30,467 --> 00:01:31,700 Yes! Yes! 37 00:01:31,702 --> 00:01:33,969 (bell ringing) CAROLINE: Yes, yes, yes! 38 00:01:33,971 --> 00:01:35,871 (squealing) 39 00:01:35,873 --> 00:01:38,874 (bell ringing) 40 00:01:42,345 --> 00:01:45,013 I just had what she's having. 41 00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:49,518 (Peter Bjorn and John) ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 42 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:50,719 (cash register bell dings) 43 00:01:50,721 --> 00:01:55,490 ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 44 00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:01,530 Max, are you busy right now? 45 00:02:01,532 --> 00:02:04,266 - No, I'm at work. - Cool. 46 00:02:04,268 --> 00:02:06,067 I'm gonna call a staff meeting. 47 00:02:06,069 --> 00:02:09,271 I used to call my driver to pick up sushi during Gilmore Girls, 48 00:02:09,273 --> 00:02:12,140 but now I call staff meetings at a diner. 49 00:02:12,142 --> 00:02:13,742 Hey! 50 00:02:13,744 --> 00:02:17,445 Only I can call staff meetings at the diner. 51 00:02:17,447 --> 00:02:19,514 It's one of the perks of the job. 52 00:02:19,516 --> 00:02:22,250 Well, it's the perk of the job. 53 00:02:22,252 --> 00:02:24,686 Well, it's okay. 54 00:02:24,688 --> 00:02:26,655 The staff meeting is about the dessert bar 55 00:02:26,657 --> 00:02:28,523 Max and I are opening in our cupcake window. 56 00:02:28,525 --> 00:02:30,559 If you want, Han, you can call the meeting, 57 00:02:30,561 --> 00:02:32,260 but I can't imagine you'd be petty enough 58 00:02:32,262 --> 00:02:33,895 to take the thrill away from Caroline. 59 00:02:33,897 --> 00:02:36,298 Staff meeting! 60 00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:37,632 See, this is what happens 61 00:02:37,634 --> 00:02:42,070 when the mother cat refuses to lick the runt. 62 00:02:42,072 --> 00:02:45,140 Okay, so I'm checking on the dessert bar assignments 63 00:02:45,142 --> 00:02:46,441 I gave everyone. 64 00:02:46,443 --> 00:02:47,943 Earl, did you call your cousin 65 00:02:47,945 --> 00:02:50,045 at that liquor distributor about getting us a discount? 66 00:02:50,047 --> 00:02:51,513 Now, why would I call him? 67 00:02:51,515 --> 00:02:56,051 I owe him $10,000 and a kidney. 68 00:02:56,053 --> 00:02:58,019 So that's a "not yet." 69 00:02:58,021 --> 00:02:59,721 I haven't done my thing, either. 70 00:02:59,723 --> 00:03:02,490 (laughs) 71 00:03:02,492 --> 00:03:04,859 Caroline, with all your money from Hollywood, 72 00:03:04,861 --> 00:03:07,295 you could pay other people to do this stuff... 73 00:03:07,297 --> 00:03:11,032 and also replace the transmission on a 2012 Yaris. 74 00:03:11,034 --> 00:03:14,836 We have to save all our movie money for the dessert bar. 75 00:03:14,838 --> 00:03:18,506 Believe it or not, my boobs can't get us zoning permits. 76 00:03:18,508 --> 00:03:21,977 But they did get us kicked out of an architect's office. 77 00:03:21,979 --> 00:03:24,379 Oleg, did you talk to your connection at City Hall 78 00:03:24,381 --> 00:03:25,847 about expediting our liquor license? 79 00:03:25,849 --> 00:03:29,050 Yes, she told me, "Don't ever sneak into my home 80 00:03:29,052 --> 00:03:31,920 through the bathroom window again." 81 00:03:31,922 --> 00:03:33,655 Oh, this is rich. 82 00:03:33,657 --> 00:03:36,024 Now you two see some of the hell I go through 83 00:03:36,026 --> 00:03:37,459 as a small business owner. 84 00:03:37,461 --> 00:03:39,527 No, you go through hell 'cause nobody wants to 85 00:03:39,529 --> 00:03:43,965 see your small business. 86 00:03:43,967 --> 00:03:45,967 Staff meeting over! 87 00:03:45,969 --> 00:03:48,270 Small staff meeting. 88 00:03:48,272 --> 00:03:49,671 Max, your boyfriend is a lawyer. 89 00:03:49,673 --> 00:03:51,106 When you're at his hotel tonight, 90 00:03:51,108 --> 00:03:52,907 can you ask him to look at our liquor license? 91 00:03:52,909 --> 00:03:55,176 Also, could you fill an ice bucket with mini shampoos 92 00:03:55,178 --> 00:03:56,378 and bring it home? 93 00:03:56,380 --> 00:03:57,879 No on both counts. 94 00:03:57,881 --> 00:03:59,948 You're not using Randy for legal advice. 95 00:03:59,950 --> 00:04:02,250 And as for the shampoo, they switched to a pump 96 00:04:02,252 --> 00:04:06,054 bolted to the wall, 'cause I was getting greedy. 97 00:04:06,056 --> 00:04:07,722 Hey, Randy. 98 00:04:07,724 --> 00:04:08,757 Hey, Earl. 99 00:04:08,759 --> 00:04:10,759 Saw your rant on Twitter last night. 100 00:04:10,761 --> 00:04:13,295 And I agree; what self-respecting Sizzler 101 00:04:13,297 --> 00:04:15,030 runs out of Sprite? 102 00:04:15,032 --> 00:04:16,765 I put that on Twitter? 103 00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:19,968 I thought I was writing an email to my brother. 104 00:04:21,437 --> 00:04:23,538 Hey there, beautiful. 105 00:04:23,540 --> 00:04:25,540 Mm. 106 00:04:27,510 --> 00:04:30,712 So I thought we'd try something different tonight. 107 00:04:30,714 --> 00:04:32,781 You on top? 108 00:04:32,783 --> 00:04:34,849 No, I'm not talking about changing 109 00:04:34,851 --> 00:04:37,385 our whole power dynamic. 110 00:04:37,387 --> 00:04:39,754 I'm talking about staying at your apartment. 111 00:04:39,756 --> 00:04:42,557 So, you on bottom? 112 00:04:42,559 --> 00:04:44,693 'Cause that's where I live. 113 00:04:44,695 --> 00:04:46,027 No, really. 114 00:04:46,029 --> 00:04:48,463 We're living in a fantasy world, that hotel room. 115 00:04:48,465 --> 00:04:50,432 I mean, a really sexy fantasy world, 116 00:04:50,434 --> 00:04:52,400 with people cleaning up after us 117 00:04:52,402 --> 00:04:54,569 and a maid who knew you from high school. 118 00:04:54,571 --> 00:04:59,407 Boy, was she surprised to see me naked and alive. 119 00:04:59,409 --> 00:05:01,810 I know I always am. 120 00:05:01,812 --> 00:05:03,978 And Max, I've been to your apartment. 121 00:05:03,980 --> 00:05:05,313 It wasn't that bad. 122 00:05:05,315 --> 00:05:08,216 Uh, okay, fine. We can stay at my place. 123 00:05:08,218 --> 00:05:09,751 But it's BYOC. 124 00:05:09,753 --> 00:05:12,887 Bring your own carbon monoxide detector. 125 00:05:17,059 --> 00:05:18,460 Well, here we are. 126 00:05:18,462 --> 00:05:20,962 Slum, sweet slum. 127 00:05:20,964 --> 00:05:23,164 She says that every time she walks in here. 128 00:05:23,166 --> 00:05:25,934 It's usually to scare the crack addict out of our kitchen. 129 00:05:27,069 --> 00:05:29,304 Allen, are you here? 130 00:05:29,306 --> 00:05:31,239 All right, well, this is it. 131 00:05:31,241 --> 00:05:32,640 What do you want to do now? 132 00:05:32,642 --> 00:05:35,777 We usually go to sleep so death comes sooner. 133 00:05:35,779 --> 00:05:38,513 RANDY: You guys, I can handle an apartment. 134 00:05:38,515 --> 00:05:40,215 Don't let my broad shoulders, stubble, 135 00:05:40,217 --> 00:05:43,618 and Adam's apple confuse you; I am, in fact, a man. 136 00:05:43,620 --> 00:05:46,254 Coming up straight ahead is the kitchen. 137 00:05:46,256 --> 00:05:47,589 But I don't have to tell you that. 138 00:05:47,591 --> 00:05:49,724 You can smell the gas. 139 00:05:49,726 --> 00:05:53,595 Fun fact: those paper towels you see aren't actually paper, 140 00:05:53,597 --> 00:05:55,930 but they do cause cancer. 141 00:05:55,932 --> 00:05:57,132 (knocking) 142 00:05:57,134 --> 00:05:58,833 Ooh, let me guess: the Grim Reaper? 143 00:05:58,835 --> 00:06:02,370 No, the Grim Reaper comes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. 144 00:06:04,373 --> 00:06:06,408 Hey, girls. 145 00:06:10,045 --> 00:06:13,748 And Randy. Oh. 146 00:06:13,750 --> 00:06:17,318 Someone's been taking his handsome pills. 147 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,554 Well, they make them in chewable now. 148 00:06:19,556 --> 00:06:22,123 Makes it a lot easier. 149 00:06:22,125 --> 00:06:23,324 Oh, Randy's here? 150 00:06:23,326 --> 00:06:25,560 Hey, hey, hey, bro. 151 00:06:25,562 --> 00:06:27,028 We should hang upstairs later. 152 00:06:27,030 --> 00:06:29,898 We can eat pizza and watch dirty movies. 153 00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:33,968 It's not delivery; it's DiPorno. 154 00:06:33,970 --> 00:06:36,671 That's a hard no. 155 00:06:36,673 --> 00:06:40,875 Girls, we need to store some stuff in your place. 156 00:06:40,877 --> 00:06:43,978 Oleg and I are baby-proofing our apartment. 157 00:06:43,980 --> 00:06:46,381 My mom baby-proofed our house for me. 158 00:06:46,383 --> 00:06:49,184 She put a club on the steering wheel. 159 00:06:49,186 --> 00:06:51,219 So in this duffle bag, I have-- 160 00:06:51,221 --> 00:06:52,420 He's opening it! 161 00:06:52,422 --> 00:06:53,922 Randy, close your eyes! 162 00:06:53,924 --> 00:06:55,290 Relax. 163 00:06:55,292 --> 00:06:56,925 It's just swords 164 00:06:56,927 --> 00:06:58,693 and sex toys. 165 00:06:58,695 --> 00:07:00,929 Oh, I think one of them's both. 166 00:07:00,931 --> 00:07:05,066 Are you referring to sex-calibur? 167 00:07:05,068 --> 00:07:07,735 Oh, I love this one. 168 00:07:07,737 --> 00:07:09,337 This is the sword we used 169 00:07:09,339 --> 00:07:13,374 when we were playing Bonan the Barbarian. 170 00:07:13,376 --> 00:07:14,809 SOPHIE: And you know what? 171 00:07:14,811 --> 00:07:18,313 It's good to give to the less sexually fortunate. 172 00:07:18,315 --> 00:07:19,647 Yeah. 173 00:07:19,649 --> 00:07:22,750 The sex toys are for you, Caroline. 174 00:07:22,752 --> 00:07:25,653 I'm good, I had a massage. 175 00:07:30,926 --> 00:07:32,927 Hiya! 176 00:07:32,929 --> 00:07:34,996 What are you doing? 177 00:07:34,998 --> 00:07:37,765 This is how all the great ninjas eat their bagels. 178 00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:39,100 CAROLINE: Where's Randy? 179 00:07:39,102 --> 00:07:42,270 Did he go back to the land of not-expired milk, 180 00:07:42,272 --> 00:07:43,872 and not-expired honey? 181 00:07:43,874 --> 00:07:45,840 No, he's stronger than I thought. 182 00:07:45,842 --> 00:07:49,210 Much like that little person I arm wrestled at Chelsea Piers. 183 00:07:50,613 --> 00:07:52,714 I love it here. 184 00:07:52,716 --> 00:07:54,983 I just took the grayest shower of my life. 185 00:07:54,985 --> 00:07:57,919 Did you just say "grayest" or "greatest"? 186 00:07:57,921 --> 00:07:59,120 No, I said gray. 187 00:07:59,122 --> 00:08:00,522 I was being kind. 188 00:08:00,524 --> 00:08:02,257 It was brown. 189 00:08:02,259 --> 00:08:05,727 All right, well, come on, your sword bagel is ready. 190 00:08:05,729 --> 00:08:08,796 God, I do miss having sex. 191 00:08:09,899 --> 00:08:11,599 Also, what is the deal with-- 192 00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:13,601 Oh! God! Oh! 193 00:08:13,603 --> 00:08:15,370 Ugh, I just stepped on something painful. 194 00:08:15,372 --> 00:08:17,305 Really painful! 195 00:08:17,307 --> 00:08:19,440 Is there a nail sticking up through the floor? 196 00:08:19,442 --> 00:08:20,775 [gasps] 197 00:08:20,777 --> 00:08:22,877 Oh no, he stepped on Nail Patrick Harris! 198 00:08:22,879 --> 00:08:26,147 Oh, I forgot to warn you about that stupid nail. 199 00:08:26,149 --> 00:08:28,716 It's been there forever. I just know to avoid it by now. 200 00:08:28,718 --> 00:08:30,285 Everyone does; that's why we named it 201 00:08:30,287 --> 00:08:32,120 "Nail Patrick Harris." 202 00:08:32,122 --> 00:08:33,354 Are you okay? 203 00:08:33,356 --> 00:08:34,722 You look like you're in a lot of pain. 204 00:08:34,724 --> 00:08:35,924 Do you want to roll the dice 205 00:08:35,926 --> 00:08:37,425 with one of the pills in the couch? 206 00:08:37,427 --> 00:08:38,726 I'm fine. It's not that bad. 207 00:08:38,728 --> 00:08:40,929 Okay, well lift up your foot. Let me see. 208 00:08:40,931 --> 00:08:43,932 (grunting) 209 00:08:48,971 --> 00:08:50,004 (screaming) 210 00:08:50,006 --> 00:08:52,273 Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! 211 00:08:53,842 --> 00:08:55,043 Randy? 212 00:08:55,045 --> 00:08:57,478 This is bad. 213 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,782 I think we have to take you to Hapitalito. 214 00:09:00,784 --> 00:09:02,784 Well, I must be losing consciousness. 215 00:09:02,786 --> 00:09:04,085 That sounded like gibberish. 216 00:09:04,087 --> 00:09:05,820 No, you heard me right, I said Hapitalito. 217 00:09:05,822 --> 00:09:07,322 That's our healthcare provider. 218 00:09:07,324 --> 00:09:09,624 It's a guy with a shopping cart filled with Band-Aids, 219 00:09:09,626 --> 00:09:10,825 and most of them aren't used. 220 00:09:10,827 --> 00:09:12,961 Max, I have insurance. 221 00:09:12,963 --> 00:09:14,963 Well, I don't think he takes insurance, 222 00:09:14,965 --> 00:09:17,465 but if you have old TCBY cards, 223 00:09:17,467 --> 00:09:20,134 five is good for "uno surgeria." 224 00:09:20,136 --> 00:09:22,670 Well, maybe it stopped. 225 00:09:22,672 --> 00:09:25,873 (screaming) 226 00:09:28,611 --> 00:09:31,813 I'm Carrie! I'm Carrie at the prom! 227 00:09:33,048 --> 00:09:35,183 Caroline, come on, we have to go. 228 00:09:35,185 --> 00:09:38,319 I'm already covered in blood. Just leave me to die. 229 00:09:38,321 --> 00:09:39,821 MAX: Oh, calm down! 230 00:09:39,823 --> 00:09:42,156 If this had happened with any of my regular type of guys, 231 00:09:42,158 --> 00:09:44,792 you'd be halfway to Hep C right now. 232 00:09:47,329 --> 00:09:48,796 Help! Help! 233 00:09:48,798 --> 00:09:50,698 My apartment tried to kill my boyfriend! 234 00:09:50,700 --> 00:09:51,899 He's gonna die! 235 00:09:51,901 --> 00:09:54,035 I'm not gonna die, Max. 236 00:09:54,037 --> 00:09:56,037 Although, this CVS bag you tied around my foot 237 00:09:56,039 --> 00:09:57,772 has completely cut off the circulation. 238 00:09:57,774 --> 00:10:01,209 And the ten-foot receipt's caught in the wound. 239 00:10:02,578 --> 00:10:04,646 My boyfriend needs medical attention. 240 00:10:04,648 --> 00:10:06,180 Oh, really? 241 00:10:06,182 --> 00:10:08,516 I thought he was here for a sensible pantsuit 242 00:10:08,518 --> 00:10:11,352 at a reasonable price. 243 00:10:11,354 --> 00:10:14,022 Oh, I recognize you 244 00:10:14,024 --> 00:10:15,890 from the last time we were in here. 245 00:10:15,892 --> 00:10:17,525 I wasn't attracted to you then, 246 00:10:17,527 --> 00:10:20,495 but I see you've added balding and a beard to the mix. 247 00:10:20,497 --> 00:10:22,764 Ha, ha, I remember you too. 248 00:10:22,766 --> 00:10:25,466 The devil wears Target. 249 00:10:25,468 --> 00:10:27,568 We need a good doctor, 250 00:10:27,570 --> 00:10:30,838 so he better not be from America. 251 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,473 'Cause he has insurance. 252 00:10:32,475 --> 00:10:34,075 Show him the card, Randy. 253 00:10:34,077 --> 00:10:35,276 (gasps) 254 00:10:35,278 --> 00:10:37,011 Could I touch it? 255 00:10:39,615 --> 00:10:42,116 Oh, good for you, a PPO. 256 00:10:42,118 --> 00:10:45,586 You know, I cleaned up some PPO right there. 257 00:10:45,588 --> 00:10:47,522 Come on, this is serious! 258 00:10:47,524 --> 00:10:49,757 He might have "Tetris"! 259 00:10:49,759 --> 00:10:53,795 He's got the beloved Russian puzzle game? 260 00:10:53,797 --> 00:10:55,797 Are you sure he doesn't have a case of the 261 00:10:55,799 --> 00:10:58,299 Super Mario Brothers? 262 00:10:58,301 --> 00:11:00,902 Well, there's a lot of people ahead of you, 263 00:11:00,904 --> 00:11:03,137 so why don't you take your boyfriend's boo boo 264 00:11:03,139 --> 00:11:04,672 and sit down? 265 00:11:04,674 --> 00:11:06,140 Fine. 266 00:11:06,142 --> 00:11:08,509 But he better not die, 'cause if he does, 267 00:11:08,511 --> 00:11:12,246 I'm gonna take those buttons and pin them to your sack. 268 00:11:12,248 --> 00:11:14,782 Promise? 269 00:11:16,585 --> 00:11:17,785 Damn it! 270 00:11:17,787 --> 00:11:19,387 I guess we're gonna be here forever. 271 00:11:19,389 --> 00:11:23,057 The exact amount of time Caroline's shower took. 272 00:11:23,059 --> 00:11:24,992 Oh, so it's my fault your boyfriend 273 00:11:24,994 --> 00:11:27,795 Freddy Krueger-ed all over me? 274 00:11:27,797 --> 00:11:29,731 Caroline, I am so sorry. 275 00:11:29,733 --> 00:11:30,998 That's okay, Randy. 276 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,400 You can make it up to me. 277 00:11:32,402 --> 00:11:33,935 Right now! 278 00:11:33,937 --> 00:11:36,104 I just so happen to have our liquor license application, 279 00:11:36,106 --> 00:11:37,939 if you want to take a look-see. 280 00:11:37,941 --> 00:11:41,142 Do you also want to be pinned to that albino's sack, Caroline? 281 00:11:44,546 --> 00:11:46,280 Okay, coming through. 282 00:11:46,282 --> 00:11:47,915 Okay, let me clear a path. 283 00:11:50,819 --> 00:11:54,655 Now I know how my grandma Dorothy felt. 284 00:11:54,657 --> 00:11:55,857 Oh, good, you're back. 285 00:11:55,859 --> 00:11:57,291 Randy, are you okay? 286 00:11:57,293 --> 00:11:58,426 Oh, I'm fine. 287 00:11:58,428 --> 00:12:00,495 Did some shopping after you left the ER. 288 00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:03,331 Like my new bag? 289 00:12:03,333 --> 00:12:04,565 Ooh. 290 00:12:04,567 --> 00:12:05,833 If you need a clutch to match, 291 00:12:05,835 --> 00:12:09,103 I have something similar in Ziploc. 292 00:12:09,105 --> 00:12:11,973 Because the nail was rusted and the open wound 293 00:12:11,975 --> 00:12:15,109 touched our floor, they gave Randy an IV of antibiotics. 294 00:12:15,111 --> 00:12:18,613 And not even a whisper of Vicodin for old Maxie. 295 00:12:18,615 --> 00:12:20,848 Well, Max, one of us has to go to work 296 00:12:20,850 --> 00:12:22,817 and pretend both of us are there. 297 00:12:22,819 --> 00:12:24,018 Well, it's gonna have to be you. 298 00:12:24,020 --> 00:12:25,653 I can't leave Randy here. 299 00:12:25,655 --> 00:12:29,690 It's like a haunted house, but the dangers are real. 300 00:12:29,692 --> 00:12:31,959 Max, you're going to work. 301 00:12:31,961 --> 00:12:33,628 I'll be fine here. 302 00:12:33,630 --> 00:12:36,531 I had a time-share with Sean Penn. 303 00:12:38,567 --> 00:12:40,468 I'm not going anywhere. 304 00:12:40,470 --> 00:12:42,670 It's my fault you got nailed in my apartment, 305 00:12:42,672 --> 00:12:45,339 and I'm staying here to protect you. 306 00:12:45,341 --> 00:12:47,441 You're going to work. 307 00:12:47,443 --> 00:12:49,076 I'll be okay. 308 00:12:49,078 --> 00:12:51,045 But you're very cute when you're worried. 309 00:12:51,047 --> 00:12:53,548 Like when you thought the hotel didn't get Cartoon Network. 310 00:12:54,783 --> 00:12:56,150 All right, fine. 311 00:12:56,152 --> 00:12:58,186 But call me if you need me to come back. 312 00:12:58,188 --> 00:13:01,088 I'll tell Han I'm working the rest of my shift from home. 313 00:13:04,159 --> 00:13:05,193 Oh, my God! 314 00:13:05,195 --> 00:13:06,761 I just remembered I didn't tell Randy 315 00:13:06,763 --> 00:13:08,262 about the pothole in my bedroom. 316 00:13:08,264 --> 00:13:09,997 Max, relax. 317 00:13:09,999 --> 00:13:11,299 I haven't seen you this anxious 318 00:13:11,301 --> 00:13:13,301 since the Dominos pizza tracker went down. 319 00:13:13,303 --> 00:13:14,635 Look, woman! 320 00:13:14,637 --> 00:13:17,104 Randy came to New York to see if our relationship could work, 321 00:13:17,106 --> 00:13:18,639 but we never should have left that hotel. 322 00:13:18,641 --> 00:13:20,908 It's like when you go to Vegas and wander off the strip 323 00:13:20,910 --> 00:13:22,777 and wind up in a residential neighborhood. 324 00:13:22,779 --> 00:13:24,412 You can't come back from that. 325 00:13:24,414 --> 00:13:27,982 It's how I wound up living two years in someone's shed. 326 00:13:27,984 --> 00:13:30,251 I suppose the motivational newsletter 327 00:13:30,253 --> 00:13:32,386 I sent out this morning didn't do any good. 328 00:13:32,388 --> 00:13:36,824 I don't even know why I bother publishing What's Going Han? 329 00:13:36,826 --> 00:13:40,394 I like the comic strip about the fat squirrel. 330 00:13:40,396 --> 00:13:42,930 That picture was me! 331 00:13:42,932 --> 00:13:46,000 It can't be you; he had nuts. 332 00:13:46,002 --> 00:13:48,669 And that lady at table four ordered 333 00:13:48,671 --> 00:13:52,073 before she started knitting that sweater she's now wearing. 334 00:13:54,009 --> 00:13:55,877 (cell phone rings) 335 00:13:55,879 --> 00:13:57,078 Oh, good, it's Randy. 336 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,679 Hey, I forgot to tell you, 337 00:13:58,681 --> 00:14:00,114 you can't drink the tap water 338 00:14:00,116 --> 00:14:02,750 within five minutes after flushing the toilet. 339 00:14:02,752 --> 00:14:05,286 Well, can you make yourself throw up? 340 00:14:05,288 --> 00:14:06,287 (bell dings) 341 00:14:06,289 --> 00:14:09,090 Pickup: breakfast burrito. 342 00:14:09,092 --> 00:14:11,325 Randy called our landlord 343 00:14:11,327 --> 00:14:13,427 to complain about Nail Patrick Harris! 344 00:14:13,429 --> 00:14:16,864 I'd rather see him host something than Ricky Gervais. 345 00:14:16,866 --> 00:14:19,867 We get it: you're mean, you fat bastard. 346 00:14:19,869 --> 00:14:22,069 Randy called the landlord? 347 00:14:22,071 --> 00:14:23,771 But we're illegal subletters! 348 00:14:23,773 --> 00:14:25,573 We're squatters there! 349 00:14:25,575 --> 00:14:27,375 And over most toilets. 350 00:14:27,377 --> 00:14:29,543 Come on, Caroline, we have to get to the apartment 351 00:14:29,545 --> 00:14:31,679 before the landlord does. 352 00:14:31,681 --> 00:14:32,947 You're leaving? 353 00:14:32,949 --> 00:14:35,116 The tollbooth operator who won Powerball 354 00:14:35,118 --> 00:14:37,318 stayed at their job longer. 355 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:41,923 Randy, we got to go! 356 00:14:41,925 --> 00:14:44,191 I'll start packing! You saddle up Chestnut. 357 00:14:44,193 --> 00:14:45,893 Yeah, I know the drill: one pair of shoes, 358 00:14:45,895 --> 00:14:47,261 something you can carry on your back, 359 00:14:47,263 --> 00:14:48,663 and a sun hat for Guatemala-- 360 00:14:48,665 --> 00:14:50,665 I mean, wherever we're headed. 361 00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:54,435 Randy, you better drink up the rest of the that IV fluid, 362 00:14:54,437 --> 00:14:56,570 'cause carrying that around is just gonna slow us down. 363 00:14:56,572 --> 00:14:58,005 Max, what in the hell is going on? 364 00:14:58,007 --> 00:14:59,307 Why are you freaking out? 365 00:14:59,309 --> 00:15:01,175 I called the landlord about a nail, 366 00:15:01,177 --> 00:15:03,711 not the FBI about your passport... 367 00:15:03,713 --> 00:15:06,147 Frank Delaport. 368 00:15:06,149 --> 00:15:08,683 Randy, we're not on the lease to this apartment. 369 00:15:08,685 --> 00:15:10,318 Oh... 370 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,153 Okay, I'm ready. 371 00:15:12,155 --> 00:15:14,088 I just need ten minutes to saddle up Chestnut. 372 00:15:14,090 --> 00:15:16,657 It'll give me time to practice my accent. 373 00:15:16,659 --> 00:15:18,059 We're totally screwed now. 374 00:15:18,061 --> 00:15:19,427 Thanks a lot. 375 00:15:19,429 --> 00:15:21,629 This is why we should have stayed in the hotel. 376 00:15:21,631 --> 00:15:25,166 You could have screwed me there and I would have loved it. 377 00:15:25,168 --> 00:15:26,600 Max, I just didn't want you 378 00:15:26,602 --> 00:15:28,903 to live with a nail sticking out of your floor, 379 00:15:28,905 --> 00:15:30,371 and I knew you wouldn't fix it yourself. 380 00:15:30,373 --> 00:15:32,206 What is that supposed to mean? 381 00:15:32,208 --> 00:15:33,407 It's like you don't realize 382 00:15:33,409 --> 00:15:35,042 you don't have to live like this. 383 00:15:35,044 --> 00:15:36,410 Oh, great. 384 00:15:36,412 --> 00:15:37,945 It's like I'm in a relationship 385 00:15:37,947 --> 00:15:40,414 with my high school guidance counselor. 386 00:15:42,517 --> 00:15:45,052 Again. 387 00:15:46,455 --> 00:15:48,789 You know, your life can be a whole lot better 388 00:15:48,791 --> 00:15:50,091 than you think it can be. 389 00:15:50,093 --> 00:15:52,059 Why don't you just hammer the nail in? 390 00:15:52,061 --> 00:15:54,495 Because we are used to it. 391 00:15:54,497 --> 00:15:58,299 We just ignore it, like the rain in my bedroom. 392 00:15:58,301 --> 00:16:00,701 I knew my apartment would be too real for you, 393 00:16:00,703 --> 00:16:03,170 and now it's not even gonna be my apartment. 394 00:16:04,439 --> 00:16:07,408 All right, Max. 395 00:16:07,410 --> 00:16:09,243 I put the double saddle on Chestnut, 396 00:16:09,245 --> 00:16:10,811 filled the satchel with trail mix. 397 00:16:10,813 --> 00:16:13,948 That should get us to the George Washington Bridge. 398 00:16:13,950 --> 00:16:15,883 (knocking) 399 00:16:15,885 --> 00:16:18,152 Nobody has to go anywhere. 400 00:16:18,154 --> 00:16:20,755 Not even your friend, the giant piñata. 401 00:16:22,090 --> 00:16:24,225 - Let me deal with this. MAX: But... 402 00:16:24,227 --> 00:16:25,292 we've never met this guy! 403 00:16:25,294 --> 00:16:26,694 All we know about him 404 00:16:26,696 --> 00:16:29,130 is that even the guy in 2A is afraid of him, 405 00:16:29,132 --> 00:16:32,133 and he was married to Kirstie Alley. 406 00:16:32,135 --> 00:16:33,734 I can handle myself. 407 00:16:33,736 --> 00:16:36,003 Hand me my fluids. 408 00:16:36,005 --> 00:16:39,040 That sounded not manly. 409 00:16:41,009 --> 00:16:42,777 RANDY: Hey, sport, thanks for coming. 410 00:16:44,446 --> 00:16:45,880 He can't talk his way out of this. 411 00:16:45,882 --> 00:16:47,248 He's wasting his time. 412 00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:48,949 He might as well be trying to teach shapes 413 00:16:48,951 --> 00:16:50,851 to Kendall Jenner. 414 00:16:50,853 --> 00:16:53,054 RANDY: No, no, you listen! 415 00:16:54,122 --> 00:16:56,757 Well, Randy's dead. 416 00:16:56,759 --> 00:17:00,461 No matter how many boyfriends I bury, it's never easy. 417 00:17:00,463 --> 00:17:03,064 I can't believe we're getting kicked out like this. 418 00:17:03,066 --> 00:17:04,899 In my fantasy, I bought the building 419 00:17:04,901 --> 00:17:06,801 and opened a sadness museum. 420 00:17:09,604 --> 00:17:11,705 Okay, that's it. 421 00:17:11,707 --> 00:17:12,907 Took care of the landlord. 422 00:17:12,909 --> 00:17:15,743 You killed him? 423 00:17:15,745 --> 00:17:17,745 I'll call Oleg; we'll get his friend's truck 424 00:17:17,747 --> 00:17:19,346 and take it from here. 425 00:17:19,348 --> 00:17:22,016 Okay, first, I believe that you have 426 00:17:22,018 --> 00:17:25,119 and would cover up a murder. 427 00:17:25,121 --> 00:17:26,320 But nobody's dead. 428 00:17:26,322 --> 00:17:27,955 I just explained to him the situation, 429 00:17:27,957 --> 00:17:29,356 and you're not getting kicked out. 430 00:17:29,358 --> 00:17:31,092 All right, which one of us has to marry him? 431 00:17:31,094 --> 00:17:34,462 I'll go get my wedding sweatpants. 432 00:17:34,464 --> 00:17:36,997 I just explained to him that I'm a lawyer 433 00:17:36,999 --> 00:17:38,799 who sustained an injury on his property. 434 00:17:38,801 --> 00:17:41,235 Then I mentioned the faulty wiring, the gas leak, 435 00:17:41,237 --> 00:17:42,803 the various wildlife living here, 436 00:17:42,805 --> 00:17:45,539 and, oh-- that I'm a lawyer. 437 00:17:45,541 --> 00:17:48,876 The word "lawyer" makes people crap their pants. 438 00:17:48,878 --> 00:17:52,246 It's like the juice cleanse of professions. 439 00:17:52,248 --> 00:17:55,316 And that is why you get the next two months rent-free, 440 00:17:55,318 --> 00:17:56,984 and you are now officially on the lease. 441 00:17:56,986 --> 00:17:58,919 - (gasps) - We're on the lease? 442 00:17:58,921 --> 00:18:00,121 We're legit? 443 00:18:00,123 --> 00:18:01,922 I have never been legit. 444 00:18:01,924 --> 00:18:03,324 According to my birth certificate, 445 00:18:03,326 --> 00:18:06,127 I'm actually a Cabbage Patch doll. 446 00:18:06,129 --> 00:18:07,528 Thank you so much, Randy. 447 00:18:07,530 --> 00:18:09,363 I'm gonna go tell Chestnut the good news. 448 00:18:09,365 --> 00:18:10,764 CAROLINE: Chestnut! 449 00:18:10,766 --> 00:18:12,166 How about that? 450 00:18:12,168 --> 00:18:15,669 Your new name doesn't have to be Pablo. 451 00:18:15,671 --> 00:18:17,104 Thank you. 452 00:18:17,106 --> 00:18:18,572 I don't know what she would have done. 453 00:18:18,574 --> 00:18:21,108 She is not made for the streets. 454 00:18:21,110 --> 00:18:23,878 She's not even made for polyester. 455 00:18:24,946 --> 00:18:26,413 This is awkward. 456 00:18:26,415 --> 00:18:29,950 Just trying to get a horse out of a tiny doorway. 457 00:18:29,952 --> 00:18:31,619 All right, up. 458 00:18:31,621 --> 00:18:33,621 I have to get back to the hotel. 459 00:18:33,623 --> 00:18:35,556 Have you seen my protective bootie? 460 00:18:35,558 --> 00:18:38,893 Wait, why are you taking your booties back to the hotel? 461 00:18:38,895 --> 00:18:41,962 Well, you're obviously not comfortable with me being here. 462 00:18:41,964 --> 00:18:43,898 No one's comfortable being here. 463 00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:45,432 It's here. 464 00:18:47,102 --> 00:18:48,636 Look, Max. 465 00:18:48,638 --> 00:18:50,804 I wanted to stay here because I wanted to see how you live. 466 00:18:50,806 --> 00:18:54,608 Now I know you live on an Indian food burial ground. 467 00:18:56,545 --> 00:18:58,012 You know what? You're right. 468 00:18:58,014 --> 00:19:00,381 My life can be better. 469 00:19:00,383 --> 00:19:03,984 We don't have hammer money yet, so... 470 00:19:03,986 --> 00:19:07,721 (pounding) 471 00:19:07,723 --> 00:19:09,323 You know what time it is? 472 00:19:09,325 --> 00:19:11,492 It's hammer time! 473 00:19:11,494 --> 00:19:14,028 Well, that's the end of Nail Patrick Harris. 474 00:19:14,030 --> 00:19:15,462 Are you kidding? 475 00:19:15,464 --> 00:19:18,799 With charisma like that, he's not going anywhere. 476 00:19:18,801 --> 00:19:21,735 I think we just got through our first fight. 477 00:19:21,737 --> 00:19:23,537 And only one of us had to go to the hospital, 478 00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:25,239 so I think that's pretty good. 479 00:19:25,241 --> 00:19:27,441 I think that is pretty good. 480 00:19:27,443 --> 00:19:29,977 You know what else I think? 481 00:19:29,979 --> 00:19:32,379 I love you. 482 00:19:32,381 --> 00:19:34,915 I love you too. 483 00:19:36,351 --> 00:19:37,918 CAROLINE: Aw! 484 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,453 That is so sweet. 485 00:19:39,455 --> 00:19:40,854 I'll give you two some privacy. 486 00:19:40,856 --> 00:19:42,256 I'll be in my room. 487 00:19:44,859 --> 00:19:46,627 Caroline... 488 00:19:46,629 --> 00:19:49,997 Even as a mime, you're still hot. 489 00:19:49,999 --> 00:19:52,299 While you were at work, I filled out your application 490 00:19:52,301 --> 00:19:54,268 for the liquor license. 491 00:19:54,270 --> 00:19:57,538 Randy, I love you too. 492 00:19:57,540 --> 00:20:00,808 Sorry, the walls are thin, and I was listening. 493 00:20:00,810 --> 00:20:03,077 (knocking) 494 00:20:03,079 --> 00:20:04,745 Hey, girls. 495 00:20:04,747 --> 00:20:08,515 And Randy. Oh... 496 00:20:08,517 --> 00:20:11,051 I'm gonna need my duffle bag back. 497 00:20:11,053 --> 00:20:13,087 I hate to be an Uzbeki-giver, 498 00:20:13,089 --> 00:20:17,291 but I really miss my vibrating pearl. 499 00:20:18,660 --> 00:20:21,695 Are these supposed to be doing other things? 500 00:20:21,697 --> 00:20:24,365 Oh, no, does this mean you want your swords back? 501 00:20:24,367 --> 00:20:27,134 'Cause I was gonna butter some toast later. 502 00:20:27,136 --> 00:20:29,236 I'm sorry, Caroline. 503 00:20:29,238 --> 00:20:31,639 We really missed our sex toys. 504 00:20:31,641 --> 00:20:35,009 It's not as exciting when I just put double-A batteries in Oleg. 505 00:20:37,712 --> 00:20:40,714 (sputtering) 506 00:20:42,050 --> 00:20:43,784 MAX: That's weird. 507 00:20:43,786 --> 00:20:46,387 Sophie's the one with sex toys, I'm the one with the boyfriend, 508 00:20:46,389 --> 00:20:48,722 and Caroline's the one who's wet. 509 00:20:52,227 --> 00:20:54,428 (cash register bell dings)