1
00:00:02,578 --> 00:00:04,279
Here's your check.
2
00:00:04,281 --> 00:00:07,082
Sorry about the
entire experience.
3
00:00:07,084 --> 00:00:08,483
Ugh.
4
00:00:08,485 --> 00:00:10,352
You're gonna have to take it
the rest of the way.
5
00:00:10,354 --> 00:00:12,854
I slept funny
last year.
6
00:00:12,856 --> 00:00:14,890
You know, I happen to be
a massage therapist,
7
00:00:14,892 --> 00:00:18,060
and I happen to be broke,
so what do you say
8
00:00:18,062 --> 00:00:20,328
I get that crick
out of your neck as your tip?
9
00:00:20,330 --> 00:00:23,632
I miss being able
to just say no.
10
00:00:23,634 --> 00:00:25,233
Hold on, I have to run this
by a person
11
00:00:25,235 --> 00:00:27,102
who's been poor longer.
12
00:00:27,104 --> 00:00:31,273
Sadly, that guy over there is
offering me a massage as a tip.
13
00:00:31,275 --> 00:00:33,475
Sadly-er, I'm considering it.
14
00:00:33,477 --> 00:00:36,678
Sadly-est, you were here
when that old woman punched me
15
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:40,482
in the breast and then
asked for change, right?
16
00:00:40,484 --> 00:00:42,184
We're not doing great.
17
00:00:42,186 --> 00:00:45,053
There's got to be somebody
doing worse than you two.
18
00:00:45,055 --> 00:00:49,291
Like that guy who got left
on Mars last year.
19
00:00:49,293 --> 00:00:50,492
Question, girls.
20
00:00:50,494 --> 00:00:52,360
I'm making a healthier menu.
21
00:00:52,362 --> 00:00:55,730
Should I advertise no trans fat,
or does that sound like
22
00:00:55,732 --> 00:01:00,669
I'm trying to keep out
Chaz Bono?
23
00:01:00,671 --> 00:01:03,839
Not now, Han,
I have a massage scheduled.
24
00:01:03,841 --> 00:01:06,208
All the stress of acting
like you're working
25
00:01:06,210 --> 00:01:07,843
starting to get to you?
26
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:12,280
Oh.
27
00:01:12,282 --> 00:01:14,282
OLEG: Oh.
28
00:01:14,284 --> 00:01:15,851
Oh, yeah.
29
00:01:15,853 --> 00:01:18,086
Oh, yeah.
30
00:01:18,088 --> 00:01:20,055
Oh, yeah!
31
00:01:20,057 --> 00:01:23,091
Oh yeah.
32
00:01:23,093 --> 00:01:24,626
Yes!
OLEG: Yeah.
33
00:01:24,628 --> 00:01:27,762
Oh, yes!
OLEG: (moaning)
34
00:01:27,764 --> 00:01:29,064
Yes!
35
00:01:29,066 --> 00:01:30,465
Oh...yes!
36
00:01:30,467 --> 00:01:31,700
Yes! Yes!
37
00:01:31,702 --> 00:01:33,969
(bell ringing)
CAROLINE: Yes, yes, yes!
38
00:01:33,971 --> 00:01:35,871
(squealing)
39
00:01:35,873 --> 00:01:38,874
(bell ringing)
40
00:01:42,345 --> 00:01:45,013
I just had
what she's having.
41
00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:49,518
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
42
00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:50,719
(cash register bell dings)
43
00:01:50,721 --> 00:01:55,490
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
44
00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:01,530
Max, are you busy right now?
45
00:02:01,532 --> 00:02:04,266
- No, I'm at work.
- Cool.
46
00:02:04,268 --> 00:02:06,067
I'm gonna call
a staff meeting.
47
00:02:06,069 --> 00:02:09,271
I used to call my driver to pick
up sushi during Gilmore Girls,
48
00:02:09,273 --> 00:02:12,140
but now I call
staff meetings at a diner.
49
00:02:12,142 --> 00:02:13,742
Hey!
50
00:02:13,744 --> 00:02:17,445
Only I can call staff meetings
at the diner.
51
00:02:17,447 --> 00:02:19,514
It's one of the perks
of the job.
52
00:02:19,516 --> 00:02:22,250
Well, it's the perk
of the job.
53
00:02:22,252 --> 00:02:24,686
Well, it's okay.
54
00:02:24,688 --> 00:02:26,655
The staff meeting
is about the dessert bar
55
00:02:26,657 --> 00:02:28,523
Max and I are opening
in our cupcake window.
56
00:02:28,525 --> 00:02:30,559
If you want, Han,
you can call the meeting,
57
00:02:30,561 --> 00:02:32,260
but I can't imagine
you'd be petty enough
58
00:02:32,262 --> 00:02:33,895
to take the thrill
away from Caroline.
59
00:02:33,897 --> 00:02:36,298
Staff meeting!
60
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:37,632
See, this is what happens
61
00:02:37,634 --> 00:02:42,070
when the mother cat
refuses to lick the runt.
62
00:02:42,072 --> 00:02:45,140
Okay, so I'm checking
on the dessert bar assignments
63
00:02:45,142 --> 00:02:46,441
I gave everyone.
64
00:02:46,443 --> 00:02:47,943
Earl, did you call your cousin
65
00:02:47,945 --> 00:02:50,045
at that liquor distributor
about getting us a discount?
66
00:02:50,047 --> 00:02:51,513
Now, why would I call him?
67
00:02:51,515 --> 00:02:56,051
I owe him $10,000
and a kidney.
68
00:02:56,053 --> 00:02:58,019
So that's a "not yet."
69
00:02:58,021 --> 00:02:59,721
I haven't done
my thing, either.
70
00:02:59,723 --> 00:03:02,490
(laughs)
71
00:03:02,492 --> 00:03:04,859
Caroline, with all your money
from Hollywood,
72
00:03:04,861 --> 00:03:07,295
you could pay other people
to do this stuff...
73
00:03:07,297 --> 00:03:11,032
and also replace the
transmission on a 2012 Yaris.
74
00:03:11,034 --> 00:03:14,836
We have to save all our movie
money for the dessert bar.
75
00:03:14,838 --> 00:03:18,506
Believe it or not, my boobs
can't get us zoning permits.
76
00:03:18,508 --> 00:03:21,977
But they did get us kicked out
of an architect's office.
77
00:03:21,979 --> 00:03:24,379
Oleg, did you talk to your
connection at City Hall
78
00:03:24,381 --> 00:03:25,847
about expediting
our liquor license?
79
00:03:25,849 --> 00:03:29,050
Yes, she told me,
"Don't ever sneak into my home
80
00:03:29,052 --> 00:03:31,920
through the bathroom
window again."
81
00:03:31,922 --> 00:03:33,655
Oh, this is rich.
82
00:03:33,657 --> 00:03:36,024
Now you two see
some of the hell I go through
83
00:03:36,026 --> 00:03:37,459
as a small business owner.
84
00:03:37,461 --> 00:03:39,527
No, you go through hell
'cause nobody wants to
85
00:03:39,529 --> 00:03:43,965
see your small business.
86
00:03:43,967 --> 00:03:45,967
Staff meeting over!
87
00:03:45,969 --> 00:03:48,270
Small staff meeting.
88
00:03:48,272 --> 00:03:49,671
Max, your boyfriend
is a lawyer.
89
00:03:49,673 --> 00:03:51,106
When you're at his
hotel tonight,
90
00:03:51,108 --> 00:03:52,907
can you ask him to look
at our liquor license?
91
00:03:52,909 --> 00:03:55,176
Also, could you fill an
ice bucket with mini shampoos
92
00:03:55,178 --> 00:03:56,378
and bring it home?
93
00:03:56,380 --> 00:03:57,879
No on both counts.
94
00:03:57,881 --> 00:03:59,948
You're not using Randy
for legal advice.
95
00:03:59,950 --> 00:04:02,250
And as for the shampoo,
they switched to a pump
96
00:04:02,252 --> 00:04:06,054
bolted to the wall,
'cause I was getting greedy.
97
00:04:06,056 --> 00:04:07,722
Hey, Randy.
98
00:04:07,724 --> 00:04:08,757
Hey, Earl.
99
00:04:08,759 --> 00:04:10,759
Saw your rant on Twitter
last night.
100
00:04:10,761 --> 00:04:13,295
And I agree;
what self-respecting Sizzler
101
00:04:13,297 --> 00:04:15,030
runs out of Sprite?
102
00:04:15,032 --> 00:04:16,765
I put that on Twitter?
103
00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:19,968
I thought I was writing
an email to my brother.
104
00:04:21,437 --> 00:04:23,538
Hey there, beautiful.
105
00:04:23,540 --> 00:04:25,540
Mm.
106
00:04:27,510 --> 00:04:30,712
So I thought we'd try
something different tonight.
107
00:04:30,714 --> 00:04:32,781
You on top?
108
00:04:32,783 --> 00:04:34,849
No, I'm not talking
about changing
109
00:04:34,851 --> 00:04:37,385
our whole power dynamic.
110
00:04:37,387 --> 00:04:39,754
I'm talking about staying
at your apartment.
111
00:04:39,756 --> 00:04:42,557
So, you on bottom?
112
00:04:42,559 --> 00:04:44,693
'Cause that's where I live.
113
00:04:44,695 --> 00:04:46,027
No, really.
114
00:04:46,029 --> 00:04:48,463
We're living in a fantasy world,
that hotel room.
115
00:04:48,465 --> 00:04:50,432
I mean, a really
sexy fantasy world,
116
00:04:50,434 --> 00:04:52,400
with people cleaning up after us
117
00:04:52,402 --> 00:04:54,569
and a maid who knew you
from high school.
118
00:04:54,571 --> 00:04:59,407
Boy, was she surprised
to see me naked and alive.
119
00:04:59,409 --> 00:05:01,810
I know I always am.
120
00:05:01,812 --> 00:05:03,978
And Max, I've been
to your apartment.
121
00:05:03,980 --> 00:05:05,313
It wasn't that bad.
122
00:05:05,315 --> 00:05:08,216
Uh, okay, fine.
We can stay at my place.
123
00:05:08,218 --> 00:05:09,751
But it's BYOC.
124
00:05:09,753 --> 00:05:12,887
Bring your own
carbon monoxide detector.
125
00:05:17,059 --> 00:05:18,460
Well, here we are.
126
00:05:18,462 --> 00:05:20,962
Slum, sweet slum.
127
00:05:20,964 --> 00:05:23,164
She says that every time
she walks in here.
128
00:05:23,166 --> 00:05:25,934
It's usually to scare the crack
addict out of our kitchen.
129
00:05:27,069 --> 00:05:29,304
Allen, are you here?
130
00:05:29,306 --> 00:05:31,239
All right,
well, this is it.
131
00:05:31,241 --> 00:05:32,640
What do you want to do now?
132
00:05:32,642 --> 00:05:35,777
We usually go to sleep
so death comes sooner.
133
00:05:35,779 --> 00:05:38,513
RANDY: You guys,
I can handle an apartment.
134
00:05:38,515 --> 00:05:40,215
Don't let my
broad shoulders, stubble,
135
00:05:40,217 --> 00:05:43,618
and Adam's apple confuse you;
I am, in fact, a man.
136
00:05:43,620 --> 00:05:46,254
Coming up straight ahead
is the kitchen.
137
00:05:46,256 --> 00:05:47,589
But I don't have to
tell you that.
138
00:05:47,591 --> 00:05:49,724
You can smell the gas.
139
00:05:49,726 --> 00:05:53,595
Fun fact: those paper towels
you see aren't actually paper,
140
00:05:53,597 --> 00:05:55,930
but they do cause cancer.
141
00:05:55,932 --> 00:05:57,132
(knocking)
142
00:05:57,134 --> 00:05:58,833
Ooh, let me guess:
the Grim Reaper?
143
00:05:58,835 --> 00:06:02,370
No, the Grim Reaper comes on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
144
00:06:04,373 --> 00:06:06,408
Hey, girls.
145
00:06:10,045 --> 00:06:13,748
And Randy.
Oh.
146
00:06:13,750 --> 00:06:17,318
Someone's been taking
his handsome pills.
147
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,554
Well, they make them
in chewable now.
148
00:06:19,556 --> 00:06:22,123
Makes it a lot easier.
149
00:06:22,125 --> 00:06:23,324
Oh, Randy's here?
150
00:06:23,326 --> 00:06:25,560
Hey, hey, hey, bro.
151
00:06:25,562 --> 00:06:27,028
We should hang
upstairs later.
152
00:06:27,030 --> 00:06:29,898
We can eat pizza
and watch dirty movies.
153
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:33,968
It's not delivery;
it's DiPorno.
154
00:06:33,970 --> 00:06:36,671
That's a hard no.
155
00:06:36,673 --> 00:06:40,875
Girls, we need to store
some stuff in your place.
156
00:06:40,877 --> 00:06:43,978
Oleg and I are baby-proofing
our apartment.
157
00:06:43,980 --> 00:06:46,381
My mom baby-proofed
our house for me.
158
00:06:46,383 --> 00:06:49,184
She put a club
on the steering wheel.
159
00:06:49,186 --> 00:06:51,219
So in this duffle bag,
I have--
160
00:06:51,221 --> 00:06:52,420
He's opening it!
161
00:06:52,422 --> 00:06:53,922
Randy, close your eyes!
162
00:06:53,924 --> 00:06:55,290
Relax.
163
00:06:55,292 --> 00:06:56,925
It's just swords
164
00:06:56,927 --> 00:06:58,693
and sex toys.
165
00:06:58,695 --> 00:07:00,929
Oh, I think
one of them's both.
166
00:07:00,931 --> 00:07:05,066
Are you referring
to sex-calibur?
167
00:07:05,068 --> 00:07:07,735
Oh, I love this one.
168
00:07:07,737 --> 00:07:09,337
This is the sword we used
169
00:07:09,339 --> 00:07:13,374
when we were playing
Bonan the Barbarian.
170
00:07:13,376 --> 00:07:14,809
SOPHIE: And you know what?
171
00:07:14,811 --> 00:07:18,313
It's good to give to
the less sexually fortunate.
172
00:07:18,315 --> 00:07:19,647
Yeah.
173
00:07:19,649 --> 00:07:22,750
The sex toys are for you,
Caroline.
174
00:07:22,752 --> 00:07:25,653
I'm good,
I had a massage.
175
00:07:30,926 --> 00:07:32,927
Hiya!
176
00:07:32,929 --> 00:07:34,996
What are you doing?
177
00:07:34,998 --> 00:07:37,765
This is how all the great ninjas
eat their bagels.
178
00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:39,100
CAROLINE: Where's Randy?
179
00:07:39,102 --> 00:07:42,270
Did he go back to the
land of not-expired milk,
180
00:07:42,272 --> 00:07:43,872
and not-expired honey?
181
00:07:43,874 --> 00:07:45,840
No, he's stronger
than I thought.
182
00:07:45,842 --> 00:07:49,210
Much like that little person
I arm wrestled at Chelsea Piers.
183
00:07:50,613 --> 00:07:52,714
I love it here.
184
00:07:52,716 --> 00:07:54,983
I just took the grayest shower
of my life.
185
00:07:54,985 --> 00:07:57,919
Did you just say "grayest"
or "greatest"?
186
00:07:57,921 --> 00:07:59,120
No, I said gray.
187
00:07:59,122 --> 00:08:00,522
I was being kind.
188
00:08:00,524 --> 00:08:02,257
It was brown.
189
00:08:02,259 --> 00:08:05,727
All right, well, come on,
your sword bagel is ready.
190
00:08:05,729 --> 00:08:08,796
God, I do miss having sex.
191
00:08:09,899 --> 00:08:11,599
Also, what is the deal with--
192
00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:13,601
Oh!
God! Oh!
193
00:08:13,603 --> 00:08:15,370
Ugh, I just stepped on
something painful.
194
00:08:15,372 --> 00:08:17,305
Really painful!
195
00:08:17,307 --> 00:08:19,440
Is there a nail sticking up
through the floor?
196
00:08:19,442 --> 00:08:20,775
[gasps]
197
00:08:20,777 --> 00:08:22,877
Oh no, he stepped on
Nail Patrick Harris!
198
00:08:22,879 --> 00:08:26,147
Oh, I forgot to warn you
about that stupid nail.
199
00:08:26,149 --> 00:08:28,716
It's been there forever.
I just know to avoid it by now.
200
00:08:28,718 --> 00:08:30,285
Everyone does;
that's why we named it
201
00:08:30,287 --> 00:08:32,120
"Nail Patrick Harris."
202
00:08:32,122 --> 00:08:33,354
Are you okay?
203
00:08:33,356 --> 00:08:34,722
You look like you're
in a lot of pain.
204
00:08:34,724 --> 00:08:35,924
Do you want to roll the dice
205
00:08:35,926 --> 00:08:37,425
with one of the pills
in the couch?
206
00:08:37,427 --> 00:08:38,726
I'm fine.
It's not that bad.
207
00:08:38,728 --> 00:08:40,929
Okay, well lift up your foot.
Let me see.
208
00:08:40,931 --> 00:08:43,932
(grunting)
209
00:08:48,971 --> 00:08:50,004
(screaming)
210
00:08:50,006 --> 00:08:52,273
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
211
00:08:53,842 --> 00:08:55,043
Randy?
212
00:08:55,045 --> 00:08:57,478
This is bad.
213
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,782
I think we have to
take you to Hapitalito.
214
00:09:00,784 --> 00:09:02,784
Well, I must be losing
consciousness.
215
00:09:02,786 --> 00:09:04,085
That sounded like gibberish.
216
00:09:04,087 --> 00:09:05,820
No, you heard me right,
I said Hapitalito.
217
00:09:05,822 --> 00:09:07,322
That's our
healthcare provider.
218
00:09:07,324 --> 00:09:09,624
It's a guy with a shopping cart
filled with Band-Aids,
219
00:09:09,626 --> 00:09:10,825
and most of them
aren't used.
220
00:09:10,827 --> 00:09:12,961
Max, I have insurance.
221
00:09:12,963 --> 00:09:14,963
Well, I don't think
he takes insurance,
222
00:09:14,965 --> 00:09:17,465
but if you have
old TCBY cards,
223
00:09:17,467 --> 00:09:20,134
five is good for
"uno surgeria."
224
00:09:20,136 --> 00:09:22,670
Well, maybe it stopped.
225
00:09:22,672 --> 00:09:25,873
(screaming)
226
00:09:28,611 --> 00:09:31,813
I'm Carrie!
I'm Carrie at the prom!
227
00:09:33,048 --> 00:09:35,183
Caroline, come on,
we have to go.
228
00:09:35,185 --> 00:09:38,319
I'm already covered in blood.
Just leave me to die.
229
00:09:38,321 --> 00:09:39,821
MAX: Oh, calm down!
230
00:09:39,823 --> 00:09:42,156
If this had happened with
any of my regular type of guys,
231
00:09:42,158 --> 00:09:44,792
you'd be halfway to
Hep C right now.
232
00:09:47,329 --> 00:09:48,796
Help! Help!
233
00:09:48,798 --> 00:09:50,698
My apartment tried
to kill my boyfriend!
234
00:09:50,700 --> 00:09:51,899
He's gonna die!
235
00:09:51,901 --> 00:09:54,035
I'm not gonna die,
Max.
236
00:09:54,037 --> 00:09:56,037
Although, this CVS bag
you tied around my foot
237
00:09:56,039 --> 00:09:57,772
has completely cut off
the circulation.
238
00:09:57,774 --> 00:10:01,209
And the ten-foot receipt's
caught in the wound.
239
00:10:02,578 --> 00:10:04,646
My boyfriend needs
medical attention.
240
00:10:04,648 --> 00:10:06,180
Oh, really?
241
00:10:06,182 --> 00:10:08,516
I thought he was here
for a sensible pantsuit
242
00:10:08,518 --> 00:10:11,352
at a reasonable price.
243
00:10:11,354 --> 00:10:14,022
Oh, I recognize you
244
00:10:14,024 --> 00:10:15,890
from the last time
we were in here.
245
00:10:15,892 --> 00:10:17,525
I wasn't attracted to you then,
246
00:10:17,527 --> 00:10:20,495
but I see you've added balding
and a beard to the mix.
247
00:10:20,497 --> 00:10:22,764
Ha, ha,
I remember you too.
248
00:10:22,766 --> 00:10:25,466
The devil wears Target.
249
00:10:25,468 --> 00:10:27,568
We need a good doctor,
250
00:10:27,570 --> 00:10:30,838
so he better not
be from America.
251
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,473
'Cause he has insurance.
252
00:10:32,475 --> 00:10:34,075
Show him the card, Randy.
253
00:10:34,077 --> 00:10:35,276
(gasps)
254
00:10:35,278 --> 00:10:37,011
Could I touch it?
255
00:10:39,615 --> 00:10:42,116
Oh, good for you, a PPO.
256
00:10:42,118 --> 00:10:45,586
You know, I cleaned up
some PPO right there.
257
00:10:45,588 --> 00:10:47,522
Come on, this is serious!
258
00:10:47,524 --> 00:10:49,757
He might have "Tetris"!
259
00:10:49,759 --> 00:10:53,795
He's got the beloved
Russian puzzle game?
260
00:10:53,797 --> 00:10:55,797
Are you sure he doesn't
have a case of the
261
00:10:55,799 --> 00:10:58,299
Super Mario Brothers?
262
00:10:58,301 --> 00:11:00,902
Well, there's a lot
of people ahead of you,
263
00:11:00,904 --> 00:11:03,137
so why don't you take
your boyfriend's boo boo
264
00:11:03,139 --> 00:11:04,672
and sit down?
265
00:11:04,674 --> 00:11:06,140
Fine.
266
00:11:06,142 --> 00:11:08,509
But he better not die,
'cause if he does,
267
00:11:08,511 --> 00:11:12,246
I'm gonna take those buttons
and pin them to your sack.
268
00:11:12,248 --> 00:11:14,782
Promise?
269
00:11:16,585 --> 00:11:17,785
Damn it!
270
00:11:17,787 --> 00:11:19,387
I guess we're gonna
be here forever.
271
00:11:19,389 --> 00:11:23,057
The exact amount of time
Caroline's shower took.
272
00:11:23,059 --> 00:11:24,992
Oh, so it's my fault
your boyfriend
273
00:11:24,994 --> 00:11:27,795
Freddy Krueger-ed
all over me?
274
00:11:27,797 --> 00:11:29,731
Caroline, I am so sorry.
275
00:11:29,733 --> 00:11:30,998
That's okay, Randy.
276
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,400
You can make it up to me.
277
00:11:32,402 --> 00:11:33,935
Right now!
278
00:11:33,937 --> 00:11:36,104
I just so happen to have our
liquor license application,
279
00:11:36,106 --> 00:11:37,939
if you want to
take a look-see.
280
00:11:37,941 --> 00:11:41,142
Do you also want to be pinned to
that albino's sack, Caroline?
281
00:11:44,546 --> 00:11:46,280
Okay, coming through.
282
00:11:46,282 --> 00:11:47,915
Okay, let me clear a path.
283
00:11:50,819 --> 00:11:54,655
Now I know how
my grandma Dorothy felt.
284
00:11:54,657 --> 00:11:55,857
Oh, good, you're back.
285
00:11:55,859 --> 00:11:57,291
Randy,
are you okay?
286
00:11:57,293 --> 00:11:58,426
Oh, I'm fine.
287
00:11:58,428 --> 00:12:00,495
Did some shopping
after you left the ER.
288
00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:03,331
Like my new bag?
289
00:12:03,333 --> 00:12:04,565
Ooh.
290
00:12:04,567 --> 00:12:05,833
If you need
a clutch to match,
291
00:12:05,835 --> 00:12:09,103
I have something
similar in Ziploc.
292
00:12:09,105 --> 00:12:11,973
Because the nail was rusted
and the open wound
293
00:12:11,975 --> 00:12:15,109
touched our floor, they gave
Randy an IV of antibiotics.
294
00:12:15,111 --> 00:12:18,613
And not even a whisper
of Vicodin for old Maxie.
295
00:12:18,615 --> 00:12:20,848
Well, Max, one of us
has to go to work
296
00:12:20,850 --> 00:12:22,817
and pretend
both of us are there.
297
00:12:22,819 --> 00:12:24,018
Well, it's gonna
have to be you.
298
00:12:24,020 --> 00:12:25,653
I can't leave Randy here.
299
00:12:25,655 --> 00:12:29,690
It's like a haunted house,
but the dangers are real.
300
00:12:29,692 --> 00:12:31,959
Max, you're
going to work.
301
00:12:31,961 --> 00:12:33,628
I'll be fine here.
302
00:12:33,630 --> 00:12:36,531
I had a time-share
with Sean Penn.
303
00:12:38,567 --> 00:12:40,468
I'm not going anywhere.
304
00:12:40,470 --> 00:12:42,670
It's my fault you got
nailed in my apartment,
305
00:12:42,672 --> 00:12:45,339
and I'm staying here
to protect you.
306
00:12:45,341 --> 00:12:47,441
You're going to work.
307
00:12:47,443 --> 00:12:49,076
I'll be okay.
308
00:12:49,078 --> 00:12:51,045
But you're very cute
when you're worried.
309
00:12:51,047 --> 00:12:53,548
Like when you thought the hotel
didn't get Cartoon Network.
310
00:12:54,783 --> 00:12:56,150
All right, fine.
311
00:12:56,152 --> 00:12:58,186
But call me if you
need me to come back.
312
00:12:58,188 --> 00:13:01,088
I'll tell Han I'm working
the rest of my shift from home.
313
00:13:04,159 --> 00:13:05,193
Oh, my God!
314
00:13:05,195 --> 00:13:06,761
I just remembered
I didn't tell Randy
315
00:13:06,763 --> 00:13:08,262
about the pothole
in my bedroom.
316
00:13:08,264 --> 00:13:09,997
Max, relax.
317
00:13:09,999 --> 00:13:11,299
I haven't seen you
this anxious
318
00:13:11,301 --> 00:13:13,301
since the Dominos
pizza tracker went down.
319
00:13:13,303 --> 00:13:14,635
Look, woman!
320
00:13:14,637 --> 00:13:17,104
Randy came to New York to see if
our relationship could work,
321
00:13:17,106 --> 00:13:18,639
but we never should have
left that hotel.
322
00:13:18,641 --> 00:13:20,908
It's like when you go to Vegas
and wander off the strip
323
00:13:20,910 --> 00:13:22,777
and wind up in a
residential neighborhood.
324
00:13:22,779 --> 00:13:24,412
You can't come back
from that.
325
00:13:24,414 --> 00:13:27,982
It's how I wound up living
two years in someone's shed.
326
00:13:27,984 --> 00:13:30,251
I suppose the motivational
newsletter
327
00:13:30,253 --> 00:13:32,386
I sent out this morning
didn't do any good.
328
00:13:32,388 --> 00:13:36,824
I don't even know why I bother
publishing What's Going Han?
329
00:13:36,826 --> 00:13:40,394
I like the comic strip
about the fat squirrel.
330
00:13:40,396 --> 00:13:42,930
That picture was me!
331
00:13:42,932 --> 00:13:46,000
It can't be you;
he had nuts.
332
00:13:46,002 --> 00:13:48,669
And that lady
at table four ordered
333
00:13:48,671 --> 00:13:52,073
before she started knitting
that sweater she's now wearing.
334
00:13:54,009 --> 00:13:55,877
(cell phone rings)
335
00:13:55,879 --> 00:13:57,078
Oh, good, it's Randy.
336
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,679
Hey, I forgot to tell you,
337
00:13:58,681 --> 00:14:00,114
you can't drink the tap water
338
00:14:00,116 --> 00:14:02,750
within five minutes after
flushing the toilet.
339
00:14:02,752 --> 00:14:05,286
Well, can you
make yourself throw up?
340
00:14:05,288 --> 00:14:06,287
(bell dings)
341
00:14:06,289 --> 00:14:09,090
Pickup:
breakfast burrito.
342
00:14:09,092 --> 00:14:11,325
Randy called our landlord
343
00:14:11,327 --> 00:14:13,427
to complain about
Nail Patrick Harris!
344
00:14:13,429 --> 00:14:16,864
I'd rather see him host
something than Ricky Gervais.
345
00:14:16,866 --> 00:14:19,867
We get it: you're mean,
you fat bastard.
346
00:14:19,869 --> 00:14:22,069
Randy called the landlord?
347
00:14:22,071 --> 00:14:23,771
But we're illegal subletters!
348
00:14:23,773 --> 00:14:25,573
We're squatters there!
349
00:14:25,575 --> 00:14:27,375
And over most toilets.
350
00:14:27,377 --> 00:14:29,543
Come on, Caroline,
we have to get to the apartment
351
00:14:29,545 --> 00:14:31,679
before the landlord does.
352
00:14:31,681 --> 00:14:32,947
You're leaving?
353
00:14:32,949 --> 00:14:35,116
The tollbooth operator
who won Powerball
354
00:14:35,118 --> 00:14:37,318
stayed at their job longer.
355
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:41,923
Randy, we got to go!
356
00:14:41,925 --> 00:14:44,191
I'll start packing!
You saddle up Chestnut.
357
00:14:44,193 --> 00:14:45,893
Yeah, I know the drill:
one pair of shoes,
358
00:14:45,895 --> 00:14:47,261
something you can carry
on your back,
359
00:14:47,263 --> 00:14:48,663
and a sun hat for Guatemala--
360
00:14:48,665 --> 00:14:50,665
I mean, wherever we're headed.
361
00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:54,435
Randy, you better drink up
the rest of the that IV fluid,
362
00:14:54,437 --> 00:14:56,570
'cause carrying that around
is just gonna slow us down.
363
00:14:56,572 --> 00:14:58,005
Max, what in the hell
is going on?
364
00:14:58,007 --> 00:14:59,307
Why are you freaking out?
365
00:14:59,309 --> 00:15:01,175
I called the landlord
about a nail,
366
00:15:01,177 --> 00:15:03,711
not the FBI about
your passport...
367
00:15:03,713 --> 00:15:06,147
Frank Delaport.
368
00:15:06,149 --> 00:15:08,683
Randy, we're not on the lease
to this apartment.
369
00:15:08,685 --> 00:15:10,318
Oh...
370
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,153
Okay, I'm ready.
371
00:15:12,155 --> 00:15:14,088
I just need ten minutes
to saddle up Chestnut.
372
00:15:14,090 --> 00:15:16,657
It'll give me time
to practice my accent.
373
00:15:16,659 --> 00:15:18,059
We're totally screwed now.
374
00:15:18,061 --> 00:15:19,427
Thanks a lot.
375
00:15:19,429 --> 00:15:21,629
This is why we should have
stayed in the hotel.
376
00:15:21,631 --> 00:15:25,166
You could have screwed me there
and I would have loved it.
377
00:15:25,168 --> 00:15:26,600
Max, I just didn't want you
378
00:15:26,602 --> 00:15:28,903
to live with a nail
sticking out of your floor,
379
00:15:28,905 --> 00:15:30,371
and I knew you wouldn't
fix it yourself.
380
00:15:30,373 --> 00:15:32,206
What is that
supposed to mean?
381
00:15:32,208 --> 00:15:33,407
It's like you don't realize
382
00:15:33,409 --> 00:15:35,042
you don't have to
live like this.
383
00:15:35,044 --> 00:15:36,410
Oh, great.
384
00:15:36,412 --> 00:15:37,945
It's like I'm
in a relationship
385
00:15:37,947 --> 00:15:40,414
with my high school
guidance counselor.
386
00:15:42,517 --> 00:15:45,052
Again.
387
00:15:46,455 --> 00:15:48,789
You know, your life
can be a whole lot better
388
00:15:48,791 --> 00:15:50,091
than you think it can be.
389
00:15:50,093 --> 00:15:52,059
Why don't you just
hammer the nail in?
390
00:15:52,061 --> 00:15:54,495
Because we are used to it.
391
00:15:54,497 --> 00:15:58,299
We just ignore it,
like the rain in my bedroom.
392
00:15:58,301 --> 00:16:00,701
I knew my apartment
would be too real for you,
393
00:16:00,703 --> 00:16:03,170
and now it's not even
gonna be my apartment.
394
00:16:04,439 --> 00:16:07,408
All right, Max.
395
00:16:07,410 --> 00:16:09,243
I put the double saddle
on Chestnut,
396
00:16:09,245 --> 00:16:10,811
filled the satchel
with trail mix.
397
00:16:10,813 --> 00:16:13,948
That should get us to the
George Washington Bridge.
398
00:16:13,950 --> 00:16:15,883
(knocking)
399
00:16:15,885 --> 00:16:18,152
Nobody has to go anywhere.
400
00:16:18,154 --> 00:16:20,755
Not even your friend,
the giant piñata.
401
00:16:22,090 --> 00:16:24,225
- Let me deal with this.
MAX: But...
402
00:16:24,227 --> 00:16:25,292
we've never met this guy!
403
00:16:25,294 --> 00:16:26,694
All we know about him
404
00:16:26,696 --> 00:16:29,130
is that even the guy in 2A
is afraid of him,
405
00:16:29,132 --> 00:16:32,133
and he was married to
Kirstie Alley.
406
00:16:32,135 --> 00:16:33,734
I can handle myself.
407
00:16:33,736 --> 00:16:36,003
Hand me my fluids.
408
00:16:36,005 --> 00:16:39,040
That sounded not manly.
409
00:16:41,009 --> 00:16:42,777
RANDY: Hey, sport,
thanks for coming.
410
00:16:44,446 --> 00:16:45,880
He can't talk his way
out of this.
411
00:16:45,882 --> 00:16:47,248
He's wasting his time.
412
00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:48,949
He might as well be
trying to teach shapes
413
00:16:48,951 --> 00:16:50,851
to Kendall Jenner.
414
00:16:50,853 --> 00:16:53,054
RANDY:
No, no, you listen!
415
00:16:54,122 --> 00:16:56,757
Well, Randy's dead.
416
00:16:56,759 --> 00:17:00,461
No matter how many boyfriends
I bury, it's never easy.
417
00:17:00,463 --> 00:17:03,064
I can't believe we're
getting kicked out like this.
418
00:17:03,066 --> 00:17:04,899
In my fantasy,
I bought the building
419
00:17:04,901 --> 00:17:06,801
and opened a sadness museum.
420
00:17:09,604 --> 00:17:11,705
Okay, that's it.
421
00:17:11,707 --> 00:17:12,907
Took care of the landlord.
422
00:17:12,909 --> 00:17:15,743
You killed him?
423
00:17:15,745 --> 00:17:17,745
I'll call Oleg;
we'll get his friend's truck
424
00:17:17,747 --> 00:17:19,346
and take it from here.
425
00:17:19,348 --> 00:17:22,016
Okay, first,
I believe that you have
426
00:17:22,018 --> 00:17:25,119
and would cover up a murder.
427
00:17:25,121 --> 00:17:26,320
But nobody's dead.
428
00:17:26,322 --> 00:17:27,955
I just explained to him
the situation,
429
00:17:27,957 --> 00:17:29,356
and you're not
getting kicked out.
430
00:17:29,358 --> 00:17:31,092
All right, which one of us
has to marry him?
431
00:17:31,094 --> 00:17:34,462
I'll go get my
wedding sweatpants.
432
00:17:34,464 --> 00:17:36,997
I just explained to him
that I'm a lawyer
433
00:17:36,999 --> 00:17:38,799
who sustained an injury
on his property.
434
00:17:38,801 --> 00:17:41,235
Then I mentioned the faulty
wiring, the gas leak,
435
00:17:41,237 --> 00:17:42,803
the various wildlife
living here,
436
00:17:42,805 --> 00:17:45,539
and, oh--
that I'm a lawyer.
437
00:17:45,541 --> 00:17:48,876
The word "lawyer" makes
people crap their pants.
438
00:17:48,878 --> 00:17:52,246
It's like the juice cleanse
of professions.
439
00:17:52,248 --> 00:17:55,316
And that is why you get
the next two months rent-free,
440
00:17:55,318 --> 00:17:56,984
and you are now officially
on the lease.
441
00:17:56,986 --> 00:17:58,919
- (gasps)
- We're on the lease?
442
00:17:58,921 --> 00:18:00,121
We're legit?
443
00:18:00,123 --> 00:18:01,922
I have never been legit.
444
00:18:01,924 --> 00:18:03,324
According to my birth
certificate,
445
00:18:03,326 --> 00:18:06,127
I'm actually
a Cabbage Patch doll.
446
00:18:06,129 --> 00:18:07,528
Thank you so much, Randy.
447
00:18:07,530 --> 00:18:09,363
I'm gonna go tell Chestnut
the good news.
448
00:18:09,365 --> 00:18:10,764
CAROLINE: Chestnut!
449
00:18:10,766 --> 00:18:12,166
How about that?
450
00:18:12,168 --> 00:18:15,669
Your new name
doesn't have to be Pablo.
451
00:18:15,671 --> 00:18:17,104
Thank you.
452
00:18:17,106 --> 00:18:18,572
I don't know what
she would have done.
453
00:18:18,574 --> 00:18:21,108
She is not made
for the streets.
454
00:18:21,110 --> 00:18:23,878
She's not even made
for polyester.
455
00:18:24,946 --> 00:18:26,413
This is awkward.
456
00:18:26,415 --> 00:18:29,950
Just trying to get a horse
out of a tiny doorway.
457
00:18:29,952 --> 00:18:31,619
All right, up.
458
00:18:31,621 --> 00:18:33,621
I have to get back
to the hotel.
459
00:18:33,623 --> 00:18:35,556
Have you seen
my protective bootie?
460
00:18:35,558 --> 00:18:38,893
Wait, why are you taking your
booties back to the hotel?
461
00:18:38,895 --> 00:18:41,962
Well, you're obviously not
comfortable with me being here.
462
00:18:41,964 --> 00:18:43,898
No one's comfortable
being here.
463
00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:45,432
It's here.
464
00:18:47,102 --> 00:18:48,636
Look, Max.
465
00:18:48,638 --> 00:18:50,804
I wanted to stay here because
I wanted to see how you live.
466
00:18:50,806 --> 00:18:54,608
Now I know you live on an
Indian food burial ground.
467
00:18:56,545 --> 00:18:58,012
You know what?
You're right.
468
00:18:58,014 --> 00:19:00,381
My life can be better.
469
00:19:00,383 --> 00:19:03,984
We don't have hammer money
yet, so...
470
00:19:03,986 --> 00:19:07,721
(pounding)
471
00:19:07,723 --> 00:19:09,323
You know what time it is?
472
00:19:09,325 --> 00:19:11,492
It's hammer time!
473
00:19:11,494 --> 00:19:14,028
Well, that's the end of
Nail Patrick Harris.
474
00:19:14,030 --> 00:19:15,462
Are you kidding?
475
00:19:15,464 --> 00:19:18,799
With charisma like that,
he's not going anywhere.
476
00:19:18,801 --> 00:19:21,735
I think we just got through
our first fight.
477
00:19:21,737 --> 00:19:23,537
And only one of us
had to go to the hospital,
478
00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:25,239
so I think that's
pretty good.
479
00:19:25,241 --> 00:19:27,441
I think that is pretty good.
480
00:19:27,443 --> 00:19:29,977
You know what else I think?
481
00:19:29,979 --> 00:19:32,379
I love you.
482
00:19:32,381 --> 00:19:34,915
I love you too.
483
00:19:36,351 --> 00:19:37,918
CAROLINE: Aw!
484
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,453
That is so sweet.
485
00:19:39,455 --> 00:19:40,854
I'll give you two
some privacy.
486
00:19:40,856 --> 00:19:42,256
I'll be in my room.
487
00:19:44,859 --> 00:19:46,627
Caroline...
488
00:19:46,629 --> 00:19:49,997
Even as a mime,
you're still hot.
489
00:19:49,999 --> 00:19:52,299
While you were at work,
I filled out your application
490
00:19:52,301 --> 00:19:54,268
for the liquor license.
491
00:19:54,270 --> 00:19:57,538
Randy, I love you too.
492
00:19:57,540 --> 00:20:00,808
Sorry, the walls are thin,
and I was listening.
493
00:20:00,810 --> 00:20:03,077
(knocking)
494
00:20:03,079 --> 00:20:04,745
Hey, girls.
495
00:20:04,747 --> 00:20:08,515
And Randy.
Oh...
496
00:20:08,517 --> 00:20:11,051
I'm gonna need
my duffle bag back.
497
00:20:11,053 --> 00:20:13,087
I hate to be an Uzbeki-giver,
498
00:20:13,089 --> 00:20:17,291
but I really miss
my vibrating pearl.
499
00:20:18,660 --> 00:20:21,695
Are these supposed to be
doing other things?
500
00:20:21,697 --> 00:20:24,365
Oh, no, does this mean
you want your swords back?
501
00:20:24,367 --> 00:20:27,134
'Cause I was gonna
butter some toast later.
502
00:20:27,136 --> 00:20:29,236
I'm sorry, Caroline.
503
00:20:29,238 --> 00:20:31,639
We really missed our sex toys.
504
00:20:31,641 --> 00:20:35,009
It's not as exciting when I just
put double-A batteries in Oleg.
505
00:20:37,712 --> 00:20:40,714
(sputtering)
506
00:20:42,050 --> 00:20:43,784
MAX: That's weird.
507
00:20:43,786 --> 00:20:46,387
Sophie's the one with sex toys,
I'm the one with the boyfriend,
508
00:20:46,389 --> 00:20:48,722
and Caroline's the one
who's wet.
509
00:20:52,227 --> 00:20:54,428
(cash register bell dings)