Here's your check.
Sorry about the entire experience.
Ugh.
You're gonna have to take it the rest of the way.
I slept funny last year.
You know, I happen to be a massage therapist,
and I happen to be broke, so what do you say
I get that crick out of your neck as your tip?
I miss being able to just say no.
Hold on, I have to run this by a person
who's been poor longer.
Sadly, that guy over there is offering me a massage as a tip.
Sadly-er, I'm considering it.
Sadly-est, you were here when that old woman punched me
in the breast and then asked for change, right?
We're not doing great.
There's got to be somebody doing worse than you two.
Like that guy who got left on Mars last year.
Question, girls.
I'm making a healthier menu.
Should I advertise no trans fat, or does that sound like
I'm trying to keep out Chaz Bono?
Not now, Han, I have a massage scheduled.
All the stress of acting like you're working
starting to get to you?
Oh.
OLEG: Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah!
Oh yeah.
Yes! OLEG: Yeah.
Oh, yes! OLEG: (moaning)
Yes!
Oh...yes!
Yes! Yes!
(bell ringing) CAROLINE: Yes, yes, yes!
(squealing)
(bell ringing)
I just had what she's having.
(Peter Bjorn and John) ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Max, are you busy right now?
- No, I'm at work. - Cool.
I'm gonna call a staff meeting.
I used to call my driver to pick up sushi during Gilmore Girls,
but now I call staff meetings at a diner.
Hey!
Only I can call staff meetings at the diner.
It's one of the perks of the job.
Well, it's the perk of the job.
Well, it's okay.
The staff meeting is about the dessert bar
Max and I are opening in our cupcake window.
If you want, Han, you can call the meeting,
but I can't imagine you'd be petty enough
to take the thrill away from Caroline.
Staff meeting!
See, this is what happens
when the mother cat refuses to lick the runt.
Okay, so I'm checking on the dessert bar assignments
I gave everyone.
Earl, did you call your cousin
at that liquor distributor about getting us a discount?
Now, why would I call him?
I owe him $10,000 and a kidney.
So that's a "not yet."
I haven't done my thing, either.
(laughs)
Caroline, with all your money from Hollywood,
you could pay other people to do this stuff...
and also replace the transmission on a 2012 Yaris.
We have to save all our movie money for the dessert bar.
Believe it or not, my boobs can't get us zoning permits.
But they did get us kicked out of an architect's office.
Oleg, did you talk to your connection at City Hall
about expediting our liquor license?
Yes, she told me, "Don't ever sneak into my home
through the bathroom window again."
Oh, this is rich.
Now you two see some of the hell I go through
as a small business owner.
No, you go through hell 'cause nobody wants to
see your small business.
Staff meeting over!
Small staff meeting.
Max, your boyfriend is a lawyer.
When you're at his hotel tonight,
can you ask him to look at our liquor license?
Also, could you fill an ice bucket with mini shampoos
and bring it home?
No on both counts.
You're not using Randy for legal advice.
And as for the shampoo, they switched to a pump
bolted to the wall, 'cause I was getting greedy.
Hey, Randy.
Hey, Earl.
Saw your rant on Twitter last night.
And I agree; what self-respecting Sizzler
runs out of Sprite?
I put that on Twitter?
I thought I was writing an email to my brother.
Hey there, beautiful.
Mm.
So I thought we'd try something different tonight.
You on top?
No, I'm not talking about changing
our whole power dynamic.
I'm talking about staying at your apartment.
So, you on bottom?
'Cause that's where I live.
No, really.
We're living in a fantasy world, that hotel room.
I mean, a really sexy fantasy world,
with people cleaning up after us
and a maid who knew you from high school.
Boy, was she surprised to see me naked and alive.
I know I always am.
And Max, I've been to your apartment.
It wasn't that bad.
Uh, okay, fine. We can stay at my place.
But it's BYOC.
Bring your own carbon monoxide detector.
Well, here we are.
Slum, sweet slum.
She says that every time she walks in here.
It's usually to scare the crack addict out of our kitchen.
Allen, are you here?
All right, well, this is it.
What do you want to do now?
We usually go to sleep so death comes sooner.
RANDY: You guys, I can handle an apartment.
Don't let my broad shoulders, stubble,
and Adam's apple confuse you; I am, in fact, a man.
Coming up straight ahead is the kitchen.
But I don't have to tell you that.
You can smell the gas.
Fun fact: those paper towels you see aren't actually paper,
but they do cause cancer.
(knocking)
Ooh, let me guess: the Grim Reaper?
No, the Grim Reaper comes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Hey, girls.
And Randy. Oh.
Someone's been taking his handsome pills.
Well, they make them in chewable now.
Makes it a lot easier.
Oh, Randy's here?
Hey, hey, hey, bro.
We should hang upstairs later.
We can eat pizza and watch dirty movies.
It's not delivery; it's DiPorno.
That's a hard no.
Girls, we need to store some stuff in your place.
Oleg and I are baby-proofing our apartment.
My mom baby-proofed our house for me.
She put a club on the steering wheel.
So in this duffle bag, I have--
He's opening it!
Randy, close your eyes!
Relax.
It's just swords
and sex toys.
Oh, I think one of them's both.
Are you referring to sex-calibur?
Oh, I love this one.
This is the sword we used
when we were playing Bonan the Barbarian.
SOPHIE: And you know what?
It's good to give to the less sexually fortunate.
Yeah.
The sex toys are for you, Caroline.
I'm good, I had a massage.
Hiya!
What are you doing?
This is how all the great ninjas eat their bagels.
CAROLINE: Where's Randy?
Did he go back to the land of not-expired milk,
and not-expired honey?
No, he's stronger than I thought.
Much like that little person I arm wrestled at Chelsea Piers.
I love it here.
I just took the grayest shower of my life.
Did you just say "grayest" or "greatest"?
No, I said gray.
I was being kind.
It was brown.
All right, well, come on, your sword bagel is ready.
God, I do miss having sex.
Also, what is the deal with--
Oh! God! Oh!
Ugh, I just stepped on something painful.
Really painful!
Is there a nail sticking up through the floor?
[gasps]
Oh no, he stepped on Nail Patrick Harris!
Oh, I forgot to warn you about that stupid nail.
It's been there forever. I just know to avoid it by now.
Everyone does; that's why we named it
"Nail Patrick Harris."
Are you okay?
You look like you're in a lot of pain.
Do you want to roll the dice
with one of the pills in the couch?
I'm fine. It's not that bad.
Okay, well lift up your foot. Let me see.
(grunting)
(screaming)
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
Randy?
This is bad.
I think we have to take you to Hapitalito.
Well, I must be losing consciousness.
That sounded like gibberish.
No, you heard me right, I said Hapitalito.
That's our healthcare provider.
It's a guy with a shopping cart filled with Band-Aids,
and most of them aren't used.
Max, I have insurance.
Well, I don't think he takes insurance,
but if you have old TCBY cards,
five is good for "uno surgeria."
Well, maybe it stopped.
(screaming)
I'm Carrie! I'm Carrie at the prom!
Caroline, come on, we have to go.
I'm already covered in blood. Just leave me to die.
MAX: Oh, calm down!
If this had happened with any of my regular type of guys,
you'd be halfway to Hep C right now.
Help! Help!
My apartment tried to kill my boyfriend!
He's gonna die!
I'm not gonna die, Max.
Although, this CVS bag you tied around my foot
has completely cut off the circulation.
And the ten-foot receipt's caught in the wound.
My boyfriend needs medical attention.
Oh, really?
I thought he was here for a sensible pantsuit
at a reasonable price.
Oh, I recognize you
from the last time we were in here.
I wasn't attracted to you then,
but I see you've added balding and a beard to the mix.
Ha, ha, I remember you too.
The devil wears Target.
We need a good doctor,
so he better not be from America.
'Cause he has insurance.
Show him the card, Randy.
(gasps)
Could I touch it?
Oh, good for you, a PPO.
You know, I cleaned up some PPO right there.
Come on, this is serious!
He might have "Tetris"!
He's got the beloved Russian puzzle game?
Are you sure he doesn't have a case of the
Super Mario Brothers?
Well, there's a lot of people ahead of you,
so why don't you take your boyfriend's boo boo
and sit down?
Fine.
But he better not die, 'cause if he does,
I'm gonna take those buttons and pin them to your sack.
Promise?
Damn it!
I guess we're gonna be here forever.
The exact amount of time Caroline's shower took.
Oh, so it's my fault your boyfriend
Freddy Krueger-ed all over me?
Caroline, I am so sorry.
That's okay, Randy.
You can make it up to me.
Right now!
I just so happen to have our liquor license application,
if you want to take a look-see.
Do you also want to be pinned to that albino's sack, Caroline?
Okay, coming through.
Okay, let me clear a path.
Now I know how my grandma Dorothy felt.
Oh, good, you're back.
Randy, are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine.
Did some shopping after you left the ER.
Like my new bag?
Ooh.
If you need a clutch to match,
I have something similar in Ziploc.
Because the nail was rusted and the open wound
touched our floor, they gave Randy an IV of antibiotics.
And not even a whisper of Vicodin for old Maxie.
Well, Max, one of us has to go to work
and pretend both of us are there.
Well, it's gonna have to be you.
I can't leave Randy here.
It's like a haunted house, but the dangers are real.
Max, you're going to work.
I'll be fine here.
I had a time-share with Sean Penn.
I'm not going anywhere.
It's my fault you got nailed in my apartment,
and I'm staying here to protect you.
You're going to work.
I'll be okay.
But you're very cute when you're worried.
Like when you thought the hotel didn't get Cartoon Network.
All right, fine.
But call me if you need me to come back.
I'll tell Han I'm working the rest of my shift from home.
Oh, my God!
I just remembered I didn't tell Randy
about the pothole in my bedroom.
Max, relax.
I haven't seen you this anxious
since the Dominos pizza tracker went down.
Look, woman!
Randy came to New York to see if our relationship could work,
but we never should have left that hotel.
It's like when you go to Vegas and wander off the strip
and wind up in a residential neighborhood.
You can't come back from that.
It's how I wound up living two years in someone's shed.
I suppose the motivational newsletter
I sent out this morning didn't do any good.
I don't even know why I bother publishing What's Going Han?
I like the comic strip about the fat squirrel.
That picture was me!
It can't be you; he had nuts.
And that lady at table four ordered
before she started knitting that sweater she's now wearing.
(cell phone rings)
Oh, good, it's Randy.
Hey, I forgot to tell you,
you can't drink the tap water
within five minutes after flushing the toilet.
Well, can you make yourself throw up?
(bell dings)
Pickup: breakfast burrito.
Randy called our landlord
to complain about Nail Patrick Harris!
I'd rather see him host something than Ricky Gervais.
We get it: you're mean, you fat bastard.
Randy called the landlord?
But we're illegal subletters!
We're squatters there!
And over most toilets.
Come on, Caroline, we have to get to the apartment
before the landlord does.
You're leaving?
The tollbooth operator who won Powerball
stayed at their job longer.
Randy, we got to go!
I'll start packing! You saddle up Chestnut.
Yeah, I know the drill: one pair of shoes,
something you can carry on your back,
and a sun hat for Guatemala--
I mean, wherever we're headed.
Randy, you better drink up the rest of the that IV fluid,
'cause carrying that around is just gonna slow us down.
Max, what in the hell is going on?
Why are you freaking out?
I called the landlord about a nail,
not the FBI about your passport...
Frank Delaport.
Randy, we're not on the lease to this apartment.
Oh...
Okay, I'm ready.
I just need ten minutes to saddle up Chestnut.
It'll give me time to practice my accent.
We're totally screwed now.
Thanks a lot.
This is why we should have stayed in the hotel.
You could have screwed me there and I would have loved it.
Max, I just didn't want you
to live with a nail sticking out of your floor,
and I knew you wouldn't fix it yourself.
What is that supposed to mean?
It's like you don't realize
you don't have to live like this.
Oh, great.
It's like I'm in a relationship
with my high school guidance counselor.
Again.
You know, your life can be a whole lot better
than you think it can be.
Why don't you just hammer the nail in?
Because we are used to it.
We just ignore it, like the rain in my bedroom.
I knew my apartment would be too real for you,
and now it's not even gonna be my apartment.
All right, Max.
I put the double saddle on Chestnut,
filled the satchel with trail mix.
That should get us to the George Washington Bridge.
(knocking)
Nobody has to go anywhere.
Not even your friend, the giant piñata.
- Let me deal with this. MAX: But...
we've never met this guy!
All we know about him
is that even the guy in 2A is afraid of him,
and he was married to Kirstie Alley.
I can handle myself.
Hand me my fluids.
That sounded not manly.
RANDY: Hey, sport, thanks for coming.
He can't talk his way out of this.
He's wasting his time.
He might as well be trying to teach shapes
to Kendall Jenner.
RANDY: No, no, you listen!
Well, Randy's dead.
No matter how many boyfriends I bury, it's never easy.
I can't believe we're getting kicked out like this.
In my fantasy, I bought the building
and opened a sadness museum.
Okay, that's it.
Took care of the landlord.
You killed him?
I'll call Oleg; we'll get his friend's truck
and take it from here.
Okay, first, I believe that you have
and would cover up a murder.
But nobody's dead.
I just explained to him the situation,
and you're not getting kicked out.
All right, which one of us has to marry him?
I'll go get my wedding sweatpants.
I just explained to him that I'm a lawyer
who sustained an injury on his property.
Then I mentioned the faulty wiring, the gas leak,
the various wildlife living here,
and, oh-- that I'm a lawyer.
The word "lawyer" makes people crap their pants.
It's like the juice cleanse of professions.
And that is why you get the next two months rent-free,
and you are now officially on the lease.
- (gasps) - We're on the lease?
We're legit?
I have never been legit.
According to my birth certificate,
I'm actually a Cabbage Patch doll.
Thank you so much, Randy.
I'm gonna go tell Chestnut the good news.
CAROLINE: Chestnut!
How about that?
Your new name doesn't have to be Pablo.
Thank you.
I don't know what she would have done.
She is not made for the streets.
She's not even made for polyester.
This is awkward.
Just trying to get a horse out of a tiny doorway.
All right, up.
I have to get back to the hotel.
Have you seen my protective bootie?
Wait, why are you taking your booties back to the hotel?
Well, you're obviously not comfortable with me being here.
No one's comfortable being here.
It's here.
Look, Max.
I wanted to stay here because I wanted to see how you live.
Now I know you live on an Indian food burial ground.
You know what? You're right.
My life can be better.
We don't have hammer money yet, so...
(pounding)
You know what time it is?
It's hammer time!
Well, that's the end of Nail Patrick Harris.
Are you kidding?
With charisma like that, he's not going anywhere.
I think we just got through our first fight.
And only one of us had to go to the hospital,
so I think that's pretty good.
I think that is pretty good.
You know what else I think?
I love you.
I love you too.
CAROLINE: Aw!
That is so sweet.
I'll give you two some privacy.
I'll be in my room.
Caroline...
Even as a mime, you're still hot.
While you were at work, I filled out your application
for the liquor license.
Randy, I love you too.
Sorry, the walls are thin, and I was listening.
(knocking)
Hey, girls.
And Randy. Oh...
I'm gonna need my duffle bag back.
I hate to be an Uzbeki-giver,
but I really miss my vibrating pearl.
Are these supposed to be doing other things?
Oh, no, does this mean you want your swords back?
'Cause I was gonna butter some toast later.
I'm sorry, Caroline.
We really missed our sex toys.
It's not as exciting when I just put double-A batteries in Oleg.
(sputtering)
MAX: That's weird.
Sophie's the one with sex toys, I'm the one with the boyfriend,
and Caroline's the one who's wet.
(cash register bell dings)