1
00:00:03,313 --> 00:00:06,081
Max and Caroline are
at a big Hollywood premiere.
2
00:00:06,083 --> 00:00:08,984
They say Harrison Ford
is there.
3
00:00:08,986 --> 00:00:12,888
Tell Han Solo,
"Hello from Han."
4
00:00:12,890 --> 00:00:15,991
Who always does it solo.
5
00:00:15,993 --> 00:00:18,160
(Max)
Yeah, this place is
crawling with celebs.
6
00:00:18,162 --> 00:00:20,028
Everyone's here.
7
00:00:20,030 --> 00:00:24,433
Matt Damon, Cate Blanchett,
Amy Schumer's sister.
8
00:00:24,435 --> 00:00:28,837
If you see Burt Reynolds,
tell him I have his belt.
9
00:00:28,839 --> 00:00:30,405
Snap some boob pics.
10
00:00:30,407 --> 00:00:34,376
Some A-list D's
or some B-list C's.
11
00:00:34,378 --> 00:00:36,178
I can't.
My phone's dead.
12
00:00:36,180 --> 00:00:39,281
(Han)
But you're on your phone.
13
00:00:39,283 --> 00:00:40,882
Big ruckus here.
14
00:00:40,884 --> 00:00:44,920
Matt Damon just threw
a puff pastry at Don Cheadle.
15
00:00:44,922 --> 00:00:47,889
How bout we FaceTime?
16
00:00:47,891 --> 00:00:49,925
Can't.
No reception.
17
00:00:49,927 --> 00:00:52,861
(Han)
But we're talking to you
right now.
18
00:00:52,863 --> 00:00:54,229
Well, I gotta go.
19
00:00:54,231 --> 00:00:58,100
Julia Roberts wants to
split an UberX.
20
00:00:58,102 --> 00:00:59,868
I feel bad lying to Han.
21
00:00:59,870 --> 00:01:03,271
I mean, he's already been
catfished three times this year.
22
00:01:03,273 --> 00:01:06,875
To be fair,
two of those times were me.
23
00:01:06,877 --> 00:01:08,243
And we're not really lying.
24
00:01:08,245 --> 00:01:09,544
We could have gone to that
Hollywood party
25
00:01:09,546 --> 00:01:10,946
if we wanted to.
26
00:01:10,948 --> 00:01:13,081
- And had been invited.
- Hmm.
27
00:01:13,083 --> 00:01:16,318
And hadn't been kicked out
by security.
28
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:18,487
(Oleg)
We're still on the line.
29
00:01:20,389 --> 00:01:24,226
We can never go back there.
30
00:01:24,228 --> 00:01:26,328
(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
31
00:01:26,330 --> 00:01:28,063
[cash register bell dings]
32
00:01:28,065 --> 00:01:33,201
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
33
00:01:43,846 --> 00:01:45,847
So nice of your new man
34
00:01:45,849 --> 00:01:47,949
to send us
a pressed juice basket.
35
00:01:47,951 --> 00:01:50,685
So LA.
36
00:01:50,687 --> 00:01:52,687
[gagging]
So gross!
37
00:01:52,689 --> 00:01:53,922
[smacking lips]
38
00:01:53,924 --> 00:01:57,425
I love them.
They're disgusting.
39
00:01:57,427 --> 00:02:00,529
This one's like licking
a beet's undercarriage.
40
00:02:00,531 --> 00:02:03,532
Still, it was really
thoughtful of Randy.
41
00:02:03,534 --> 00:02:05,333
He must really like you,
42
00:02:05,335 --> 00:02:07,936
and really want you
to stay regular.
43
00:02:07,938 --> 00:02:10,205
Yeah, someone really
buried the lead
44
00:02:10,207 --> 00:02:12,207
on this whole
being treated well thing,
45
00:02:12,209 --> 00:02:13,808
and I miss him.
46
00:02:13,810 --> 00:02:16,845
You saw him
30 minutes ago.
47
00:02:16,847 --> 00:02:19,781
Feels like 35.
48
00:02:19,783 --> 00:02:24,619
What is that about?
Do I have shingles?
49
00:02:24,621 --> 00:02:26,855
Oh, my God.
I just got an e-mail.
50
00:02:26,857 --> 00:02:30,358
The world's most in-demand
actress is on her way over
51
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:33,295
to talk about playing me
in the movie of my life.
52
00:02:33,297 --> 00:02:35,263
Betty White's coming here?
53
00:02:36,699 --> 00:02:39,000
It's Jennifer Lawrence!
54
00:02:39,002 --> 00:02:41,970
Amy Schumer's sister's
best friend.
55
00:02:41,972 --> 00:02:43,905
The studio just set it up.
56
00:02:43,907 --> 00:02:46,508
She wants to meet me
to see if she digs my vibe.
57
00:02:46,510 --> 00:02:49,978
Oh, wish I had my vibe.
58
00:02:49,980 --> 00:02:52,581
They wouldn't let me
bring it on the plane.
59
00:02:52,583 --> 00:02:53,915
What was I gonna do?
60
00:02:53,917 --> 00:02:58,520
Terrorize everyone
with pleasure?
61
00:02:58,522 --> 00:03:00,589
Oh, I better go
brush my teeth.
62
00:03:00,591 --> 00:03:01,856
I don't want
Jennifer Lawrence to think
63
00:03:01,858 --> 00:03:04,593
I licked
a cantaloupe's armpit.
64
00:03:04,595 --> 00:03:07,329
The star of "The Hunger Games"
is coming here?
65
00:03:07,331 --> 00:03:08,663
We will have
lots in common.
66
00:03:08,665 --> 00:03:10,532
I mean, I've killed kids
for food.
67
00:03:10,534 --> 00:03:12,534
[laughs]
68
00:03:12,536 --> 00:03:14,736
Hey, everybody.
69
00:03:16,606 --> 00:03:20,909
Does anyone know how to shut off
the fire alarm in the elevator?
70
00:03:20,911 --> 00:03:24,713
'Cause this sage
is really popping off.
71
00:03:24,715 --> 00:03:27,015
Hey, puff puff pass.
72
00:03:27,017 --> 00:03:29,017
Ah, you don't smoke it.
73
00:03:29,019 --> 00:03:33,288
No, it cleans your aura
or some crap like that.
74
00:03:33,290 --> 00:03:35,690
Well, that sounds spiritual.
75
00:03:35,692 --> 00:03:37,926
Oh, you know, my healer says
76
00:03:37,928 --> 00:03:40,428
the reason that I haven't been
able to get pregnant
77
00:03:40,430 --> 00:03:42,964
is that my aura is filthier
78
00:03:42,966 --> 00:03:45,934
than my gynecologist's
Instagram.
79
00:03:45,936 --> 00:03:48,637
Yeah.
80
00:03:48,639 --> 00:03:51,906
But I did get
a lot of likes.
81
00:03:51,908 --> 00:03:53,441
[coughs]
Ugh, Sophie,
82
00:03:53,443 --> 00:03:55,310
I'm getting second hand hippie.
83
00:03:55,312 --> 00:03:56,711
Hey.
84
00:03:56,713 --> 00:03:58,380
Sophie, I have got to get this
out of here
85
00:03:58,382 --> 00:04:00,749
or Jennifer Lawrence will think
this is my vibe.
86
00:04:00,751 --> 00:04:04,386
I'm going for Grace Kelly
not Woody Harrelson.
87
00:04:04,388 --> 00:04:07,389
Well, that's a mistake.
88
00:04:07,391 --> 00:04:08,823
You know what?
89
00:04:08,825 --> 00:04:10,592
My healer, Audra, gave me
a whole list of things
90
00:04:10,594 --> 00:04:13,495
that I need to do
in order to get pregnant.
91
00:04:13,497 --> 00:04:17,399
Is one of them,
"Have sex the front way"?
92
00:04:17,401 --> 00:04:21,469
Yeah, also,
"Eat apples, meditate,
93
00:04:21,471 --> 00:04:24,773
cut down on cigars."
94
00:04:24,775 --> 00:04:26,975
She also said
that I have to practice
95
00:04:26,977 --> 00:04:30,078
loving kindness
with everyone.
96
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:33,415
Even the people
who trigger my negativity.
97
00:04:33,417 --> 00:04:35,417
Yeah, but you know what?
98
00:04:35,419 --> 00:04:38,019
I'm as sweet as
the sugar substitute
99
00:04:38,021 --> 00:04:41,856
that gave half
my family cancer, yeah.
100
00:04:41,858 --> 00:04:43,358
You're maybe not always
101
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:46,761
sweet as sugar substitute
to everyone.
102
00:04:46,763 --> 00:04:49,597
I'm not?
103
00:04:49,599 --> 00:04:51,566
Well, here comes this idiot.
104
00:04:53,602 --> 00:04:55,503
You know what?
105
00:04:55,505 --> 00:04:59,040
I'm gonna be real nice to you
so that I can have a baby.
106
00:04:59,042 --> 00:05:01,476
So I don't care
what kind of crap comes out
107
00:05:01,478 --> 00:05:03,778
of your stupid pie hole.
108
00:05:03,780 --> 00:05:07,048
Oh, my God, I'm a monster.
109
00:05:07,050 --> 00:05:09,884
[knocks on door]
110
00:05:09,886 --> 00:05:12,620
Oh, my God, do you think
that's Jennifer Lawrence?
111
00:05:12,622 --> 00:05:14,789
That was fast.
What a star.
112
00:05:14,791 --> 00:05:17,959
Prompt and she costs less
than a man.
113
00:05:17,961 --> 00:05:22,897
Or maybe it's Randy.
It's been a whole 38 minutes.
114
00:05:22,899 --> 00:05:25,800
39.
115
00:05:25,802 --> 00:05:29,037
Aww, that's making me horny.
116
00:05:29,039 --> 00:05:32,507
Yeah, and that's
not on my list.
117
00:05:32,509 --> 00:05:34,809
I came over to tell you
I can't stay the night tonight.
118
00:05:34,811 --> 00:05:36,711
I gotta go to Miami.
119
00:05:36,713 --> 00:05:39,180
My client's causing trouble
on the new Johnny Depp movie.
120
00:05:39,182 --> 00:05:41,549
My client's Johnny Depp.
121
00:05:41,551 --> 00:05:43,651
Is it another
"Pirates" movie?
122
00:05:43,653 --> 00:05:46,488
'Cause I'm only four hours
into the last one.
123
00:05:46,490 --> 00:05:48,890
[cell phone rings]
124
00:05:48,892 --> 00:05:50,158
Caroline Channing's office.
125
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,994
This is her assistant Tiesha.
Please hold.
126
00:05:52,996 --> 00:05:56,431
I gave myself an assistant
'cause I deserve one.
127
00:05:56,433 --> 00:05:58,600
Oh, yeah, there it is.
128
00:05:58,602 --> 00:06:01,836
Oh, my God,
I'm getting triggered.
129
00:06:01,838 --> 00:06:03,838
[cell phone chimes]
130
00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:05,740
Oh, man.
131
00:06:05,742 --> 00:06:07,876
My dog sitter just quit.
132
00:06:07,878 --> 00:06:11,179
She married Eddie Murphy.
133
00:06:11,181 --> 00:06:12,847
Now I don't have anybody
to watch Bruno.
134
00:06:12,849 --> 00:06:14,516
Oh, I can watch Bruno.
135
00:06:14,518 --> 00:06:17,552
Would you want to
stay with him at my place?
136
00:06:17,554 --> 00:06:19,921
At your beautiful house
in the hills
137
00:06:19,923 --> 00:06:21,689
with an amazing view
of the Hollywood sign?
138
00:06:21,691 --> 00:06:24,025
Ugh, fine, but only 'cause
I really want to.
139
00:06:24,027 --> 00:06:25,560
[chuckles]
140
00:06:25,562 --> 00:06:28,129
Okay, so unfortch J Law
got swarmed by the paps
141
00:06:28,131 --> 00:06:29,697
so she has to reschedj.
142
00:06:29,699 --> 00:06:31,699
Oh, boy.
143
00:06:31,701 --> 00:06:35,603
I picked the wrong week
to quit smoking cigars.
144
00:06:41,944 --> 00:06:44,546
Randy, that view is so amazing.
145
00:06:44,548 --> 00:06:47,715
We're so close I can see
the "ho" of the Hollywood sign.
146
00:06:47,717 --> 00:06:52,487
And I bet it's saying, "I can
see the ho of Williamsburg."
147
00:06:52,489 --> 00:06:54,889
Wow, this place is gorgeous.
148
00:06:54,891 --> 00:06:57,258
The last guy Max dated had
a mattress on the floor
149
00:06:57,260 --> 00:07:00,762
and a lady named Sheila
living in the crawl space.
150
00:07:00,764 --> 00:07:04,132
Caroline, are you trying
to make me jealous?
151
00:07:04,134 --> 00:07:05,900
Oh, you have nothing
to worry about.
152
00:07:05,902 --> 00:07:08,970
There's no way
that guy's still alive.
153
00:07:08,972 --> 00:07:10,572
Look, the next 24 hours,
154
00:07:10,574 --> 00:07:12,240
just treat this place
like it's yours.
155
00:07:12,242 --> 00:07:15,076
Don't worry, I will take
really good care of Bruno.
156
00:07:15,078 --> 00:07:17,745
I'll let him sleep right
in the hills.
157
00:07:17,747 --> 00:07:19,681
I haven't been this jealous
of my dog
158
00:07:19,683 --> 00:07:23,918
since I saw him
licking his own balls every day.
159
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:25,820
Randy, would you say
it's private up here?
160
00:07:25,822 --> 00:07:28,122
Like private enough to have
a meeting with a celebrity
161
00:07:28,124 --> 00:07:29,290
who I'm not at will to name,
162
00:07:29,292 --> 00:07:31,593
but it's Jennifer Lawrence.
163
00:07:31,595 --> 00:07:33,528
Yeah, it's really
quiet up here.
164
00:07:33,530 --> 00:07:34,996
Just one neighbor
up the hill.
165
00:07:34,998 --> 00:07:36,998
Old guy. Rocks the hell
out of a stained sweat suit.
166
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,266
We get along great.
167
00:07:38,268 --> 00:07:40,101
We've never spoken.
168
00:07:40,103 --> 00:07:42,971
I can't get a signal.
What's your Wi-Fi password?
169
00:07:42,973 --> 00:07:45,006
1, 2, 5, lowercase B,
170
00:07:45,008 --> 00:07:47,308
uppercase D, dash, dash, 6, 3,
171
00:07:47,310 --> 00:07:50,011
lowercase F, uppercase F,
5, 2, 1.
172
00:07:52,615 --> 00:07:54,983
Or you can get
some reception outside.
173
00:07:54,985 --> 00:07:58,219
All right, I gotta go.
174
00:07:58,221 --> 00:07:59,821
Come here, big boy.
175
00:07:59,823 --> 00:08:01,689
Who's Daddy's big boy?
Yes.
176
00:08:01,691 --> 00:08:05,126
That call works
on me too, FYI.
177
00:08:05,128 --> 00:08:08,796
Come here, big boy.
178
00:08:08,798 --> 00:08:10,698
[giggles]
179
00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:12,200
Mmm.
180
00:08:12,202 --> 00:08:14,636
Caroline,
where's the best reception?
181
00:08:14,638 --> 00:08:18,706
Behind the hedge down the hill
near this big cactus and--ow!
182
00:08:18,708 --> 00:08:20,575
Ooh, getting a little heat
on this table.
183
00:08:20,577 --> 00:08:22,644
I'm gonna call the diner.
184
00:08:22,646 --> 00:08:25,079
[cell phone rings]
185
00:08:26,081 --> 00:08:27,248
[chuckles]
186
00:08:27,250 --> 00:08:29,918
Hey, Max, how's my girl?
187
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:33,922
Are you rich, famous,
and driving a Prius yet?
188
00:08:33,924 --> 00:08:36,224
Earl, you would not believe
where we are.
189
00:08:36,226 --> 00:08:38,826
I am looking down on all of LA.
190
00:08:38,828 --> 00:08:42,163
Oh, I'm doing that from here.
191
00:08:42,165 --> 00:08:44,766
Ask Max if she
talked to Sophie.
192
00:08:44,768 --> 00:08:47,769
I didn't get an up the skirt
selfie this morning
193
00:08:47,771 --> 00:08:50,104
and I'm worried.
194
00:08:50,106 --> 00:08:52,840
I got it by accident.
195
00:08:52,842 --> 00:08:54,008
[laughs]
196
00:08:54,010 --> 00:08:56,344
And I'm hoping
talking about it
197
00:08:56,346 --> 00:08:59,113
will somehow free me from it.
198
00:08:59,115 --> 00:09:01,382
Can you forward it to me?
199
00:09:01,384 --> 00:09:03,351
You know what?
Just take my phone.
200
00:09:03,353 --> 00:09:05,987
I'll buy a new one.
201
00:09:08,791 --> 00:09:09,791
[leaf blower blowing]
202
00:09:09,793 --> 00:09:10,992
Ow.
203
00:09:12,194 --> 00:09:14,028
Whoa!
Stop...
204
00:09:14,030 --> 00:09:17,098
blowing.
Stop blowing.
205
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:18,900
Blowing...
206
00:09:18,902 --> 00:09:21,703
Thank you!
207
00:09:21,705 --> 00:09:23,404
So how would you rate
the LA blow job
208
00:09:23,406 --> 00:09:26,140
compared to the ones
in New York?
209
00:09:26,142 --> 00:09:27,775
This one was less work.
210
00:09:34,416 --> 00:09:36,884
When Jennifer Lawrence
gets here to interview me,
211
00:09:36,886 --> 00:09:39,287
just know, I'm also kind of
interviewing her.
212
00:09:39,289 --> 00:09:41,155
I mean, I know
she has my looks,
213
00:09:41,157 --> 00:09:44,092
but does she have my naiveté?
214
00:09:44,094 --> 00:09:47,895
Is that French
for "small boobs"?
215
00:09:47,897 --> 00:09:51,065
Max, I know I said this
at the airport Arby's,
216
00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:53,801
but I could totally
see you living here.
217
00:09:53,803 --> 00:09:55,403
Thanks, girl.
218
00:09:55,405 --> 00:09:58,906
I could totally see you
visiting us.
219
00:09:58,908 --> 00:10:02,176
And look at this TV
from the future.
220
00:10:02,178 --> 00:10:05,980
Where are the cords?
221
00:10:05,982 --> 00:10:08,282
And watch this.
Television...
222
00:10:08,284 --> 00:10:10,752
give me Samuel L. Jackson.
223
00:10:10,754 --> 00:10:14,155
(Television)
Finding Samuel L. Jackson.
224
00:10:14,157 --> 00:10:16,824
Wow, he's in every movie.
225
00:10:16,826 --> 00:10:19,761
He's like
the black Kevin Bacon.
226
00:10:19,763 --> 00:10:23,031
Dude, can you
believe my life?
227
00:10:23,033 --> 00:10:24,766
And you saw
that pool out there.
228
00:10:24,768 --> 00:10:26,000
You don't even have
to blow it up.
229
00:10:26,002 --> 00:10:27,702
[laughs]
230
00:10:27,704 --> 00:10:30,038
Let's go look at it again.
231
00:10:32,107 --> 00:10:34,208
Excuse me, Antonio?
Could you water that cactus?
232
00:10:34,210 --> 00:10:36,377
It's looking a little dry.
233
00:10:36,379 --> 00:10:38,312
That didn't sound rude
to the help, did it?
234
00:10:38,314 --> 00:10:39,814
I don't want to be that person.
235
00:10:39,816 --> 00:10:41,382
Meaning you.
236
00:10:41,384 --> 00:10:43,484
Okay, Jennifer Lawrence
will be here any minute,
237
00:10:43,486 --> 00:10:45,053
and, Max, I have to say,
238
00:10:45,055 --> 00:10:47,155
I'm having
the best hair day ever.
239
00:10:47,157 --> 00:10:48,456
[wind blowing]
240
00:10:48,458 --> 00:10:51,726
I was having
the best hair day ever.
241
00:10:51,728 --> 00:10:55,196
Dude, Jennifer Lawrence took
a helicopter here.
242
00:10:55,198 --> 00:10:56,998
That is so baller.
243
00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,134
No, it's probably
the paparazzi following her.
244
00:11:00,136 --> 00:11:03,137
Leave us be!
We're just trying to live!
245
00:11:03,139 --> 00:11:04,739
This is the police!
246
00:11:04,741 --> 00:11:07,475
There is a dangerous criminal
in the area.
247
00:11:07,477 --> 00:11:10,478
We're looking
for Walter Gary Vance.
248
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,180
Everyone, go inside.
249
00:11:12,182 --> 00:11:15,149
This entire area is on lockdown.
250
00:11:15,151 --> 00:11:18,920
No one will be allowed
to pass the roadblock.
251
00:11:18,922 --> 00:11:20,354
What're you doing?
252
00:11:20,356 --> 00:11:22,190
Uh, there's a serial killer
on the loose.
253
00:11:22,192 --> 00:11:23,891
I'm doing what all heroes do.
254
00:11:23,893 --> 00:11:26,094
I'm going on Twitter
to add to the chatter.
255
00:11:26,096 --> 00:11:28,930
Okay, I'm running to my cactus
to call J Law's people
256
00:11:28,932 --> 00:11:30,498
and make sure she doesn't
come out here.
257
00:11:30,500 --> 00:11:31,866
[gasps]
Stop!
258
00:11:31,868 --> 00:11:33,067
Don't go out there.
259
00:11:33,069 --> 00:11:34,435
According to Twitter,
260
00:11:34,437 --> 00:11:36,437
the murder is a cannibal,
261
00:11:36,439 --> 00:11:38,239
and also according
to Twitter,
262
00:11:38,241 --> 00:11:41,008
Khloé Kardashian is
feeling the burn.
263
00:11:41,010 --> 00:11:43,010
Oh, my God, a cannibal?
264
00:11:43,012 --> 00:11:44,345
We have to get inside.
265
00:11:44,347 --> 00:11:47,148
I have this terrible feeling
I'm delicious.
266
00:11:49,885 --> 00:11:51,853
So, here we are.
267
00:11:51,855 --> 00:11:53,121
Safe inside
268
00:11:53,123 --> 00:11:55,556
in a house made of glass
269
00:11:55,558 --> 00:11:57,191
on stilts
270
00:11:57,193 --> 00:12:00,962
in a city long overdue
for an earthquake.
271
00:12:00,964 --> 00:12:02,263
[both scream]
272
00:12:02,265 --> 00:12:04,398
[mouthing]
273
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:05,900
Ah.
274
00:12:05,902 --> 00:12:08,302
We thought you were
a crazy murderer.
275
00:12:08,304 --> 00:12:10,138
I'm not crazy,
but I could just
276
00:12:10,140 --> 00:12:12,874
murder a cheese plate
right now.
277
00:12:12,876 --> 00:12:15,243
Oh, wow.
278
00:12:15,245 --> 00:12:19,280
The hills are so exclusive.
279
00:12:19,282 --> 00:12:21,382
I mean,
it's all blocked off.
280
00:12:21,384 --> 00:12:23,117
I haven't jumped
this many hurdles
281
00:12:23,119 --> 00:12:26,487
since the '84 Olympics.
282
00:12:26,489 --> 00:12:28,389
Sophie, what're you
doing here?
283
00:12:28,391 --> 00:12:30,291
Jennifer Lawrence's people
were trying to reach you,
284
00:12:30,293 --> 00:12:32,093
so they called the hotel,
285
00:12:32,095 --> 00:12:33,995
and to show you
some love and kindness,
286
00:12:33,997 --> 00:12:37,098
I came all the way here
to tell you.
287
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:41,235
Yeah. Do you think
that will get me a baby?
288
00:12:41,237 --> 00:12:45,173
Not sure, but you can get a baby
for 80 bucks on the dark web.
289
00:12:47,075 --> 00:12:49,110
And it comes
with two outfits.
290
00:12:49,112 --> 00:12:51,412
What did
Jennifer's people say?
291
00:12:51,414 --> 00:12:54,382
I don't know.
292
00:12:56,418 --> 00:12:59,921
So, you just came up here
to tell me that they called,
293
00:12:59,923 --> 00:13:02,256
but you didn't,
like, listen to the words?
294
00:13:02,258 --> 00:13:05,226
Oh, it's never enough
for you, is it?
295
00:13:09,631 --> 00:13:12,466
[meditative chanting]
Ohm.
296
00:13:12,468 --> 00:13:14,936
Ohm.
297
00:13:14,938 --> 00:13:20,208
Ohm getting tired of meditating,
298
00:13:20,210 --> 00:13:24,045
but I think it's working.
299
00:13:24,047 --> 00:13:25,947
Ohm...
300
00:13:25,949 --> 00:13:27,982
Jennifer Lawrence is probably
freaking out
301
00:13:27,984 --> 00:13:29,450
that she can't get to me.
302
00:13:29,452 --> 00:13:32,386
The world doesn't revolve
around you, bitch.
303
00:13:33,455 --> 00:13:35,623
Ohm...ohm.
304
00:13:35,625 --> 00:13:37,291
I can't just
stand here anymore.
305
00:13:37,293 --> 00:13:38,993
I'm going outside
to get a signal.
306
00:13:38,995 --> 00:13:40,394
You know what else
you can get outside?
307
00:13:40,396 --> 00:13:42,330
Ya face eaten.
308
00:13:42,332 --> 00:13:44,632
Well, I'm gonna go risk
the life I have
309
00:13:44,634 --> 00:13:46,334
to go get the life I want.
310
00:13:46,336 --> 00:13:50,171
Sounds like a trailer
for a Liam Neeson movie.
311
00:13:50,173 --> 00:13:52,640
(Television)
Finding Liam Neeson.
312
00:13:52,642 --> 00:13:54,642
Good luck.
313
00:13:54,644 --> 00:13:58,079
That guys been taken more times
than my virginities.
314
00:13:59,147 --> 00:14:01,182
All right, I got a signal
315
00:14:01,184 --> 00:14:03,150
and a warning growl
from a coyote,
316
00:14:03,152 --> 00:14:04,986
but I talked
to Jennifer Lawrence's people,
317
00:14:04,988 --> 00:14:07,088
and she and I are gonna
FaceTime in 20 minutes.
318
00:14:07,090 --> 00:14:09,323
If you still have a face.
319
00:14:09,325 --> 00:14:10,925
Where's Bruno?
320
00:14:10,927 --> 00:14:12,493
Maybe he's back there
in the sauna
321
00:14:12,495 --> 00:14:13,995
like a little hotdog.
322
00:14:13,997 --> 00:14:15,229
[chuckles]
323
00:14:15,231 --> 00:14:17,565
Where's my big boy?
324
00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:19,700
Um, seriously,
where's my big boy?
325
00:14:19,702 --> 00:14:22,436
You didn't leave
the door open, did you?
326
00:14:22,438 --> 00:14:24,338
No.
327
00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:26,507
I'm sure he's in here somewhere.
328
00:14:26,509 --> 00:14:28,709
together:
Bruno? Bruno?
329
00:14:28,711 --> 00:14:30,244
Bruno?
330
00:14:30,246 --> 00:14:31,679
Bruno?
331
00:14:31,681 --> 00:14:34,515
(Television)
Finding "Bruno."
332
00:14:37,219 --> 00:14:39,420
Max, I'm really sorry.
333
00:14:39,422 --> 00:14:41,022
Maybe we could replace the dog
334
00:14:41,024 --> 00:14:42,556
with one that
looks exactly the same.
335
00:14:42,558 --> 00:14:45,426
Like men here do with wives.
336
00:14:45,428 --> 00:14:48,262
Or maybe we don't assume
he's dead after six seconds
337
00:14:48,264 --> 00:14:49,530
and we go out there
and find him.
338
00:14:49,532 --> 00:14:51,132
Okay, good luck.
339
00:14:51,134 --> 00:14:53,401
[scoffs]
You are coming with me.
340
00:14:53,403 --> 00:14:55,202
Randy loves Bruno,
341
00:14:55,204 --> 00:14:58,272
and I lo-uh-ike Randy.
342
00:14:58,274 --> 00:15:01,375
Don't think I didn't hear
what you almost said.
343
00:15:01,377 --> 00:15:04,312
- We need to find the dog.
- But it's getting dark
344
00:15:04,314 --> 00:15:06,247
and there's someone out there
who wants to kill us.
345
00:15:06,249 --> 00:15:08,983
Trust me, there's someone
in there who wants to kill you.
346
00:15:08,985 --> 00:15:10,985
Flashlights.
We need flashlights.
347
00:15:10,987 --> 00:15:14,388
You lo-uh-ike him.
348
00:15:14,390 --> 00:15:17,558
Now there are two people in here
who want to kill you.
349
00:15:23,732 --> 00:15:25,599
Come here, big boy.
350
00:15:25,601 --> 00:15:27,935
God, how could he have gotten
this far on such little legs?
351
00:15:27,937 --> 00:15:31,572
I don't know, Danny DeVito
seems to get around a lot.
352
00:15:31,574 --> 00:15:34,475
Even when you tell Randy
this is 100% your fault,
353
00:15:34,477 --> 00:15:36,577
he is still gonna
break up with me.
354
00:15:36,579 --> 00:15:38,579
Max, you've been with him
four days.
355
00:15:38,581 --> 00:15:41,082
I know, it's my
longest relationship.
356
00:15:41,084 --> 00:15:43,818
I'm really sorry, Max.
We'll find him.
357
00:15:43,820 --> 00:15:45,586
[gasps]
Oh, my God!
358
00:15:45,588 --> 00:15:48,589
- What, you see Bruno?
- No, I see bars on my phone.
359
00:15:48,591 --> 00:15:49,757
We have to stay right here.
360
00:15:49,759 --> 00:15:51,092
It's almost time
for my FaceTime.
361
00:15:51,094 --> 00:15:52,793
Give me that stupid thing.
362
00:15:52,795 --> 00:15:54,428
I'll put it down my pants.
363
00:15:54,430 --> 00:15:57,598
And I'll go get it.
364
00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,434
- [gasps and strains]
- You gotta focus
365
00:16:00,436 --> 00:16:01,836
and help me find that dog.
366
00:16:01,838 --> 00:16:03,704
I don't want
to ruin things with Randy
367
00:16:03,706 --> 00:16:04,939
or his house.
368
00:16:04,941 --> 00:16:07,808
Max, this is
so far past boundaries.
369
00:16:07,810 --> 00:16:09,810
Oh, don't talk to me
about boundaries.
370
00:16:09,812 --> 00:16:11,812
Who let the dog out?
Who?
371
00:16:11,814 --> 00:16:14,615
Who-who-who-who?
372
00:16:14,617 --> 00:16:18,152
As I said to Kevin Burlington
my sophomore year of college,
373
00:16:18,154 --> 00:16:20,654
"Just take it."
374
00:16:20,656 --> 00:16:21,989
This is serious.
375
00:16:21,991 --> 00:16:24,458
Randy has given me so much.
376
00:16:24,460 --> 00:16:26,727
Sunglasses, gift baskets,
377
00:16:26,729 --> 00:16:28,796
an orgasm with eye contact.
378
00:16:28,798 --> 00:16:31,032
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
379
00:16:31,034 --> 00:16:34,035
Usually, I have
to push their face away.
380
00:16:34,037 --> 00:16:35,636
No, look.
381
00:16:35,638 --> 00:16:38,172
We're at the foot
of the Hollywood sign.
382
00:16:38,174 --> 00:16:39,573
Quick selfie?
383
00:16:39,575 --> 00:16:42,009
I mean, we have to, right?
384
00:16:42,011 --> 00:16:44,745
On the way back,
once we find the dog.
385
00:16:44,747 --> 00:16:46,080
Which we are definitely
going to do.
386
00:16:46,082 --> 00:16:47,581
[cell phone rings]
387
00:16:47,583 --> 00:16:50,451
[gasps]
Jennifer Lawrence is calling.
388
00:16:52,988 --> 00:16:55,156
Did you just hang up
on J Law?
389
00:16:55,158 --> 00:16:58,492
I'm pretty sure that's
against the J Law.
390
00:16:58,494 --> 00:17:01,862
You're out here
because you lost Randy's dog,
391
00:17:01,864 --> 00:17:03,431
and there's a strange man
standing over there,
392
00:17:03,433 --> 00:17:05,433
and all you can think about
is Jennifer Lawrence.
393
00:17:05,435 --> 00:17:08,436
Did you just say there's a
strange man standing over there?
394
00:17:08,438 --> 00:17:10,671
Oh, my God, I did.
395
00:17:10,673 --> 00:17:12,006
- Look...
- [gasps]
396
00:17:12,008 --> 00:17:13,674
See there, the old guy
in the stained sweat suit.
397
00:17:13,676 --> 00:17:15,943
Oh, he must be Randy's neighbor.
398
00:17:15,945 --> 00:17:18,512
What's he doing out here?
399
00:17:18,514 --> 00:17:21,749
[gasps]
Oh, you found Bruno!
400
00:17:21,751 --> 00:17:23,117
It's so funny, for a second
401
00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:24,518
I thought he was
the cannibal murderer.
402
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:25,653
[laughs]
403
00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:29,857
(Caroline)
Oh, my God, he has a knife.
404
00:17:29,859 --> 00:17:32,059
Maybe he's just
opening packages.
405
00:17:32,061 --> 00:17:33,861
Come here.
Come here, big boy.
406
00:17:33,863 --> 00:17:35,863
- Uh...run, Max!
- Come here, big boy.
407
00:17:35,865 --> 00:17:38,466
- Come on.
- Nothing to eat here.
408
00:17:38,468 --> 00:17:40,034
I'm stringy and chewy.
409
00:17:40,036 --> 00:17:41,202
(Max)
Quick!
410
00:17:41,204 --> 00:17:42,636
Quick, up here!
411
00:17:42,638 --> 00:17:44,205
Maybe the helicopters
will see us.
412
00:17:44,207 --> 00:17:45,806
Yeah, and if not,
413
00:17:45,808 --> 00:17:47,741
we can throw ourselves
off the O.
414
00:17:47,743 --> 00:17:50,077
I refuse to get eaten
by an old man...
415
00:17:50,079 --> 00:17:52,480
without a bank account.
416
00:17:52,482 --> 00:17:54,548
Can cannibals climb?
417
00:17:54,550 --> 00:17:58,085
Well, they're not called
"climbables," so that's good.
418
00:17:58,087 --> 00:17:59,653
Is he still there?
419
00:17:59,655 --> 00:18:00,988
Well, we'll know in a second
420
00:18:00,990 --> 00:18:02,590
'cause you're screaming
within earshot
421
00:18:02,592 --> 00:18:03,991
of a hungry people-eater.
422
00:18:03,993 --> 00:18:07,628
You are surrounded!
Put your hands up!
423
00:18:08,663 --> 00:18:09,997
[both yelp]
424
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:14,802
Max, the police are here.
425
00:18:14,804 --> 00:18:16,570
We're safe.
We're safe.
426
00:18:16,572 --> 00:18:17,972
Speak for yourself.
427
00:18:17,974 --> 00:18:21,675
I'm technically under
house arrest in Connecticut.
428
00:18:27,916 --> 00:18:30,084
I let him eat ice cream.
429
00:18:30,086 --> 00:18:31,585
He deserves it.
430
00:18:31,587 --> 00:18:34,188
Who had a rough day yesterday?
431
00:18:34,190 --> 00:18:36,957
I am really sorry, Randy.
432
00:18:36,959 --> 00:18:40,628
You must think I'm as
irresponsible as I am.
433
00:18:40,630 --> 00:18:42,263
This is where you cry
434
00:18:42,265 --> 00:18:45,166
and tell him it's all you
and I'm perfect.
435
00:18:45,168 --> 00:18:46,800
Sorry, I was just thinking,
436
00:18:46,802 --> 00:18:50,304
that dogs gums and teeth
look healthier than mine.
437
00:18:50,306 --> 00:18:52,006
- I still can't believe
my neighbor
438
00:18:52,008 --> 00:18:54,008
was Walter Gary Vance
the cannibal.
439
00:18:54,010 --> 00:18:58,012
And honestly, it was way worse
living next to Courtney Love.
440
00:18:58,014 --> 00:18:59,180
I mean, it's not that hard.
441
00:18:59,182 --> 00:19:00,948
Blue bins are for recycling,
442
00:19:00,950 --> 00:19:02,283
Tuesdays are street cleaning,
443
00:19:02,285 --> 00:19:05,286
Don't do heroin on my porch.
444
00:19:05,288 --> 00:19:08,622
Yeah, that's
a driveway sport.
445
00:19:09,958 --> 00:19:12,793
Look, Bruno's
gotten out before,
446
00:19:12,795 --> 00:19:15,229
but the fact that you
went out there to look for him
447
00:19:15,231 --> 00:19:16,630
and risked your lives.
448
00:19:16,632 --> 00:19:18,966
I mean, you were fearless.
449
00:19:18,968 --> 00:19:22,269
Pfft, whatever.
Maybe a little.
450
00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:28,075
Ugh, great.
Jennifer Lawrence just passed.
451
00:19:28,077 --> 00:19:31,178
She's dead?
452
00:19:31,180 --> 00:19:33,647
No, she passed on the movie.
453
00:19:33,649 --> 00:19:35,649
It's her loss.
454
00:19:35,651 --> 00:19:37,651
Well, it's your loss,
but I feel like I owe you
455
00:19:37,653 --> 00:19:39,820
for risking your life
to find my boyfriend's dog.
456
00:19:39,822 --> 00:19:43,224
Not that
you're my boyfriend,
457
00:19:43,226 --> 00:19:45,993
'cause gross.
458
00:19:45,995 --> 00:19:49,096
I'd be lucky
to be your boyfriend.
459
00:19:49,098 --> 00:19:51,932
If I was, which yuck,
I'm not.
460
00:19:53,168 --> 00:19:55,336
Hey, everybody.
461
00:19:55,338 --> 00:19:59,940
Look,
I'm spiritually evolved now.
462
00:19:59,942 --> 00:20:03,677
Yeah, you know, the meditating
was screwing up my knees,
463
00:20:03,679 --> 00:20:05,379
so I bought this getup
from an Indian woman
464
00:20:05,381 --> 00:20:06,880
at a bus stop.
465
00:20:06,882 --> 00:20:10,217
Yeah, it's a lot easier.
466
00:20:10,219 --> 00:20:12,386
Sophie, those flowers
are beautiful.
467
00:20:12,388 --> 00:20:14,355
Yeah...
468
00:20:14,357 --> 00:20:17,258
and they're for you.
469
00:20:19,861 --> 00:20:22,196
What're they gonna do to me?
470
00:20:23,898 --> 00:20:27,034
They're an act of love
and kindness.
471
00:20:27,036 --> 00:20:28,769
Sophie, that's literally
472
00:20:28,771 --> 00:20:30,804
the nicest thing
you've ever said to me.
473
00:20:30,806 --> 00:20:32,139
Oh, yeah.
474
00:20:32,141 --> 00:20:34,375
I don't know
if it's my aura's clean,
475
00:20:34,377 --> 00:20:37,211
or it's the 12.95 Bindi dot
I'm wearing,
476
00:20:37,213 --> 00:20:39,280
but I really do mean it.
477
00:20:39,282 --> 00:20:41,215
Oh, Sophie, no.
That's dog ice cream.
478
00:20:41,217 --> 00:20:43,284
Mind your own business, bitch!
479
00:20:46,254 --> 00:20:48,455
And we're back.
480
00:20:51,559 --> 00:20:53,027
[cash register bell dings]